Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-11-23

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Bill rambles about puking, the election, and electric cars. Zip Recruiter: Go to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR to try it for free

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. Monday Monday, ya ya. December 11th, 2023. What's going on? How are ya? Monday, Monday's. Um, so something to me every other day. Remember that fucking song? I mean, so it's like 50 fucking years ago. And just talking about how bummed out you are that it's Monday. And you got to get up and you have to go work for somebody else and maybe you're not going after your dream and all of that. This is what really gets me about these fucking corporate cons at the top of every fucking

ladder in every fucking business in this country is you know if I was running a company right and somebody was fucking singing Monday Monday and they fucking hated the job. I would feel bad. Being like, okay, what do we need to do here? Am I paying you guys enough money? Do we need a pinball machine? I don't want you guys coming to work fucking hating you. I mean, if you're just fucking lazy, I mean, you know,

I'm not getting you, you know, I'm not getting you shit. But I mean, if you're really just like not fulfilled, like the amount of fucking people just not fulfilled. Like the amount of fucking people just not fulfilled behind the eight ball just getting fucked and these people just don't give a shit and just continue to take more and more. It's just beyond me. What's fucking driving down the street, right? Like we're literally to the point where people are just spray painting self-help on sidewalks and on fucking walls. So as you're driving you can think of something positive. These are the things, you know, next year when this whole pony and dog show of another fucking presidential election and People will get all excited or all sad

By whichever candidate wins or loses like what are that none of them are gonna talk about this shit None of them are gonna talk about how few people own so much and if they do they'll immediately be called a fringe candidate Okay, you know, it called a fringe candidate. Okay? You know what's a company, it's how you know a politician is corporate owned, is all he's gonna do is blame the other party. That's all they're gonna do. And I don't know, I don't want to bring up any names or any of this type of shit. People.

Okay? Blue tide and red tide. We got to get on the same page here. We got to look out for each other. All right. You got to stop watching CNN and fucking Fox News. Their job, how they make money is to infuriate you and make it seem like the, like there's people that live in this country that want to destroy it. There are the people that own those networks. But it's not your neighbor. It's not your coworker.

I don't give a fuck when industry you're looking at, you should be rooting for the workers at this point because everybody is getting fucked. should be rooting for the workers at this point because everybody is getting fucked. And I don't know, I don't know, I wish I'm telling you, I was thinking that shit the other day, like the amount of power that we would have if we were all fucking aligned, but how can you possibly do that? I mean, 24 hour news networks, oh, I'm going in deep fast. Like not deep, like smart, but just big subjects here. Social media, I mean, they literally have fucking robots.

Someone was trying to tell me that like 40% of the commenting on Instagram is just bots and they're deliberately saying Contrarian shit just to get people going because then somebody says something else and then somebody else that agreed with the robot and then it's just often it's like robot trolls I don't know and all of this AI technology is to phase all of us out. This is for the fucking people at the top because they're still not happy with all of the

money that they have. They still want to make more money, and they want to be the modern day slave owners, and the slaves are not going to be human beings anymore. It's going to be robots. The ultimate slave, because they're just going to design them, I guess, not to rebel. But you know what it is? They're going to miss fucking human beings, literally and figuratively. So they're going to try to make these things as human as possible.

And that's what's going to do them in. And wouldn't it be wild if it was just like that? If the, if the, all of the human race ended like a B horror movie from the 19 fucking 30s, it's just Frankenstein all over again. Um, anyway, I hope you guys had a good weekend. Hope you got along with people. I hope you let people in. Somebody driving like a fucking asshole. Maybe they have a bad day. Who gives a fuck? Let him go in. Don't be bad. I'm

making him even more mad. He's probably got Alamo de Yadda's fucking ass, you know. Just who gives a shit? I had a fucking... Whoa, I'll tell you, I had a weekend. I, you know, my lovely daughter. We just decorated a Christmas tree. I got a little Christmas tree for her room. You know, it was awesome. It was in the middle of it. I was like, you know, someday when I'm older

and she's moving out or getting married, I'm gonna think about, you know, when she was six years old and we were just sitting there decorating the Christmas tree and how excited she was. And I made sure I was in the moment. Something I don't do a lot of and something I then, you know, just because I did that, now does that mean I go on social media and then give you guys an unasked for lecture about how you need to live in the moment and then I become an influencer, is that how

it works? Anyway, so she was sick and then my wife got it and I thought I was in the clear. It had gone away for a few days. Everybody was fine and then, oh, dude, Friday night. Oh my God. Friday night, I was sitting on the couch about seven o'clock at night, and I had an apple or something. Maybe it was like six or something. And all of a sudden, I started feeling a little queasy. I'm like, what the fuck?

I go, maybe I don't know. Maybe I didn't eat too much today, and maybe I'm a little nauseous. So I go down to sit down for dinner. And the walk over to the table. I got way more nauseous and then I look and it was like this fish In like a fucking broth or something Which who's kidding who I mean that's enough to make you puke even if you're feeling fine So I was like all right, I pushed that away

I ate a couple pieces of gallic break there and then I was like, all right, I pushed that away. I ate a couple pieces of gallic bread there. And then I was like, oh no. And I just said, Nia, I need to go upstairs and lay down. She goes, oh no. And I said, oh yeah. So I went upstairs and you know, rather than just giving to a fucking German Irish, I sat there trying to fight it for like 90 minutes. And then finally, I couldn't anymore and I just said to myself like, all right, this is going to suck

because this took my kid out for three days, it took my wife out for two days. There's nothing you can do. Just fucking ride this out, right? Just give into it. So right around seven, I went into the bathroom for the first time. And I'm gonna tell you something right now. From seven PM to two AM, you could have fucking rebooted that movie, Poltergeist.

This stuff was coming out of me. Both fucking ends. I can't even, I didn't even know I had that much like in me. Like I was puking up gum that I fucking swallowed in the fifth grade, like 50 fucking years ago. It just fucking, like, when it got to the end, I was wretching so bad. I was actually laughing at how stupid I sounded because I knew my wife could hear it. I've never laughed while puking, but it was towards the end. But it was like puking and before I could even flush the toilet, I'd have to spin around

and sit down. I was just like, and I just was going like, I tried to like remove myself from it and just being like, this is fascinating how the body works. When there's something in it, it's just like, you know, get it out either fucking way. And it was, every time I was just like, that is the last.

Like if I puke again, like I'm like, an organ's gonna come out. Like I don't have anything fucking, and then I would just go and, dude, I was doing puke again, like, I'm like, an organ's gonna come out, like, I don't have anything fucking, and then I would just go and, dude, I was doing like those fucking, like these fucking, and you know, like, when you wanna relax, you just hang it under the fucking bowl,

but your whole fucking core is just squeezing, like I'm just like a fucking python around you. Oh my God. And then just a fucking fire hose coming out your ass. I mean, I'm sorry to be so graphic, but dude, what is that? Seven to 12 is five plus two, seven hours of that. I do that right, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, one, two, yeah.

Seven hours. Seven fucking hours of that. And then finally, at 2am, you know, I was getting the chills, just fucking everything was fucking horrible, right? So at 2am, I could kind of feel like there was something a little different On the last fucking, you know, puke fire hose moment that I was just done. There was just nothing left. And I was so fucking dehydrated.

I was like, I'm drinking a glass of water and I don't give a shit if it makes me puke. So I drank a glass of water and then like, fuck it, five minutes later. I puked it up so quick it was still cold. Hahaha. Hahaha. And then that was it.

And then I went to bed. I finally fell asleep and I woke up at about eight in the morning. And my lovely wife was getting our kids ready for school. I mean, I usually get up, I make the prayer. Oh no, I did, I went downstairs and I made a breakfast. She goes, what the fuck are you doing out of bed? And I'm like, I don't know, I feel great. Cause I woke up and I had a glass of water.

It was just gone. Like my body did its fucking job. And that was just it. I didn't have it for two days, I didn't have it for three days, I just had it for like seven hours. And my body so aggressively got it, the fuck out of me. But then I, what I didn't realize was, you know, I needed to eat like some Greek yogurt or something like that.

I think I just puked everything of a shit, everything fucking out of me. I don't know. Or something. I think I just puked everything, it was shit, everything, fucking out of me. I don't, or something. I don't know. I know it's just a scut. I was wretching so bad, like two days later, the side of my neck near my throat was killing me. And I was thinking like, was I screaming in traffic that I fucked my voice up and I was like,

no, that was who fuck it, puked. Oh my God, dude. There was a point in the bathroom. If I started levitating and floating upside down above the toilet, Trent Resner and that 9-inch nails, fucking video, it wouldn't have surprised me. Like that's like, that's what, like I had no control, you know, over the body and I just fucking wrote it out. But then the next day I was like fine. And you know, you know, the next day after you go, tell you, after you go through one of those, you know, you got to be real careful when you pick.

So my wife was going, you want some like that, what are they, some electrolytes and blot? I was like, I don't want to drink that shit. That sugary fucking horrible shit. I don't, I don't want that. She goes, what do you want? I go, I want a can of look. I don't want the one that's pre-sliced. I want you to buy one, okay? From that bullshit health food fucking store down the street. And she's like, we don't have one in the fridge. I go, no, we don't. I feel like I was pregnant.

I was like, specifically, I want that. So she ended up getting me the thing. And I just slowly worked my way back. I figured it took me like two days to get back to being just able to eat. But I got to tell you this, this is how fucked up this business is that I'm in, is at one point when I was puking and just like in the middle of that. I actually had the thought of my stomachs going to look great tomorrow. My stomachs gonna look flat. It did, I lost, I didn't really get to lose weight.

It's fun, some dudes shall say, I choose just waterway, you know, you're gonna put right there and go, we drink glass water. Fuck off, can I just look good for half a morning? So that was my weekend, and then I just kinda like, laid around all day Saturday Saturday like the whole fucking day something I know. Oh no! No I didn't!

Wait a minute, no I didn't. I had to fucking finish all of that shit because some friends of mine were in town. Oh God, I almost, how do I tell this fucking story? This is another maker wish, Bill Burr fucking story. How do I tell this one? So, long story short, you guys know I'm a big fan of Skidbro. Right? I'm always talking about how much I love that second album,

that I love the first one. And I went and I was going to see Arasmith, you know, Boston guy, I grew up on fucking Arasmith, right? So I'd already seen Arasmith on the permanent vacation tour. Who opened for him on that? When I saw him, it's Reynolds Coliseum in Raleigh, North Carolina with Tesla opened up and then the next album, that was a big comeback album. And then I saw Erasmith on the pump tour in 1989, December 31st, 1989, the end of the 80s. I had been arrested for drinking and driving.

I did not have a license. I had yet to be arraigned. Unbeknownst to me, the two weeks that I waited to actually go in front of a judge and all of that fucking shit would not be those 14 days would not be applied to the 45 days I got suspended license. This is the 80s. You didn't get that many days, right? So, anyway, I went there without a license and Skid Row was opening up and this is when that album, 18 in life, Youth Gone Wild and this amazing new frontman, Sebastian Bach came out and, you know, new fucking guitar hero and Dave Snakes, you know, Sabo, you know, Jersey

guys and all of this stuff, right? I think Sebastian was from Canada or whatever. So they went out and they fucking killed it. And this is when I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do. And I knew I loved playing drums. I was thinking, like, am I a musician? I actually thought that at some point in my life.

Am I a musician? Am I going to join a band? Like, that's all I did was I listened to comedy and I watched all these metal bands. That's all I fucking did. And I watched fucking Rambo in Schwarzenegger movies. That was really, and I got shitfaced and drove drunk. That's what I did.

You know, there wasn't a lot. And I fucked up in school. And I worked in a warehouse. This is what that was my fucking life. And you know what, it was awesome. It was fucking awesome. I fucking loved the 80s. I had a fucking great time.

I had such a fucking great time. I had such a fucking great time. And one of the greatest things about it was the fucking music, right? So over the years, I was talking about how, you know, I missed the boat when Grunge first came in. I was just too fucking old for it. Really kind of came in. I was 23 and 23 is really old to catch on to a new style of fuck it or just is You supposed to be coming out of college. I wasn't I was working my way I had to pay Made pay my way through college. So I was working my way through I missed the boat their second album came out fucking monkey business

Slave to the grind all that I fucking loved it was even heavier than their first one And I'm like, yeah, these fucking guys, these guys got stand power. I saw these guys, this is fucking cool. They're gonna have a big head-lined in tour. I saw them when they opened it all that shit, blah, blah, blah. And then, you know, all of those fucking Seattle bands came and then it was just like, what the fuck happened?

And also like, around that time, I started doing stand-up comedy and then I just stopped going to shows on Friday and Saturday night because I was doing shows. Well, fast forward, all these years later, you know. I don't know, I don't know where the fuck I was. I was hanging out and I get a text message

from this dude, Billy Rowe who plays with Fuck Cherry and also has these great guitars. He makes rock and roll relics just a badass. A guy that I did, I do the Dean Del Rey, Bond Scott, thing with him. He texts me a few months back, said, hey, you know, it's Snake snakes birthday. He loves your comedy. You know we're out here grinding up You know you want to face time and say happy birthday to him right? So I say you know I'm a holy shit. I can't fucking believe I'll talk to this guy. So I face time him You know totally fucking cool guy. I can tell by his vibe that he's legit into my comedy because I wasn't you know Sometimes people say that and then you just meet him and they're like,

who the fuck are you? And the other person just said, yeah, for just this weird thing and it wasn't. He was totally fucking cool. You know, Jersey guy or whatever, right? East Coast guy, right? So we hit it off and I said, yeah, man, I gotta see you guys, man.

I haven't seen you guys in forever since I started doing comedy, so whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, they're playing the fond of theater and Billy texts me again, and said, hey, you wanna come down and sit in and play drums during their sound check. And I was just like, are you shit me? Fuck yeah, like, I didn't even look at my calendar.

It's like, whatever's on my calendar is getting moved, canceled, or blown off, right? So I go down there and I got to meet Scotty Hill, the two two last original guys, Scotty Hill, and Snake and they were fucking cool as shit. And then all his other bandmates that were there, there's another guy named Rob that plays drums.

He was cool, fucking great drummer too, really smooth. Anyway, I get to sit in and we did highway to hell. It was funny, people asked me, like, did you play Youth Gone Wild? Did you play as like, dude, you realize they've been playing that song for 36 fucking years, like they don't want to fucking, they got to give that song, they're all once a fucking night, and they ain't gonna do it with some fucking shit Joe comedian.

So we just did a high way to health thing. I played on these Pearl drums and the tension on the, I played on these Pearl drums and the tension on the the the pedals which were also Pearl was like perfect. It took a second to get adjusted to it because it wasn't like my kit. But unfortunately I just you know taken a lesson with Davey Litch and he was fixed some stuff that was going on with me that I didn't like. And we sat down we ran through it and I can't even tell you how many times I just, the whole time we were playing the song,

you know, I'm listening to everything. It sounds great and everything. But like I kept drifting off, thinking about me back in 89, being in the crowd without a driver's license. And if you told me back then that, all right, years later, you're going to get to jam and play highway to hell. Your favorite band of all time, ACDC, right?

With two of the guys, both guitar players, some fucking skid row, they're going to be cool as shit, and you're going to be a stand up comedian. I probably would have fainted. So it was an unbelievably cool moment. Everybody in the band, fuck cherry, too. They were like the coolest fucking guys. And as fun as jamming with them was talking to them was just as big a fucking thrill. And you know, they made me feel right at home home they made me feel like I did a good job or whatever man it was just fucking it was fucking awesome so that all happened in like

like fucking what is that like maybe 16 hours I got sick at six o'clock on Friday and at noon on Saturday after poltergeist coming out of both ends of me Around probably like it's one o'clock the next day. I played fucking highway to hell I think it was really what brought me out of it. I was so fucking giddy Still can't believe that happened anyway, let's talk some NFL football. I didn't see too much today because My daughter had a birthday party. It seemed like there were a lot of upsets and I might have gone over for this week Like I don't know what I just watched the first half of the fucking Eagles and Owen for this week, I don't know what, I just watched the first half of the fucking Eagles and the Cowboys man, I mean, as a football fan,

it's exciting if the Cowboys win, because then they're tied with the Eagles, but Jesus Christ, you know, what a way, if the Eagles lose this fucking game too, what you guys already know what happens, right? Just put the fucking game on, now I hate when I do that, I get too distracted on the podcast. Sports fans like it, if you're in the football, whatever.

But I just feel like they can't lose this fucking game, man. I mean, it's just obviously Bill, it's a stupid statement. This is why I would never fucking get into sports analogy, whatever the fucking is. I mean, you just say, obvious shit. Now what I'm trying to say is that like a couple of fucking weeks ago, if you were gonna say the fucking Eagles were giving in this situation,

it's not only that they lose back-to-back fucking games, it's who they lose them to. What you're basically, who they lost to, which is basically to the top fucking teams. I mean, the cowboys, I don't know what the fuck they are, but they're coming on, The Eagles seem like they're starting and nose dive a little bit, and then they got fucking raped by the goddamn 49ers.

Like, I did a standup show a few weeks ago. There was an Eagles fan in the crowd, and he was just convinced, like, dude, we are going to the fucking Super Bowl, and I wasn't arguing with him. I'm like, man, you got the quarterback, you got the offensive line, you got the weapons, you defense, you're great,

you fucking coaches killing it, you got the weapons, you defense, you're fucking coach is killing it. And the guy's hilarious. The fucking Nikki. Did he yell at anybody this week? I mean, I'm not going to get mad at a guy that goes around. It has unnecessary arguments with people. I mean, that's been 30% of my fucking adult life. I mean, how's been 30% of my fucking adult life. I mean, how fucking hilarious

was that? Watching them go out of the chief stadium and just yelling at the fans that he gives, he like gives a fuck like a fan. Oh, by the way, underrated Italians in the NFL. Tommy cutlets, this guy, we need more taught fucking Tommy's and Nicky's and bring those fucking guys back. Last great Italian I'm thinking in the NFL was Franco Harris. Remember Franco's Italian army they used to have, right? Anyway, we shall see. We shall see what happens as the weeks go on. But how about my fucking patriots? I didn't even know they were playing Thursday night. I've been so goddamn busy fucking pitching another idea out here, right?

And we fucking beat the Steelers again in Pittsburgh with the weakest fucking team we've had in forever. I will say this, death taxes and the Patriots beating the Steelers and death taxes and the Patriots losing to the Giants. We lose to the Giants not only in the Super Bowl, preseason, regular season, if they're fucking, you know, we're both fucking two and ten, you know, we still fucking lose to them. I don't know what it is. Tom Cofflin there, Tom Cofflin not fucking there. I don't know what it is. It's weird. Giants have our number the way the fucking, we have the stealers number. Everybody's got that one fucking team, you know, the dolphins, dolphins honorable mention

during the Tom Brady years, always good for one one fucking win a year, always good for one year win a year. Now they got that thing, whether you know, the way they built the stadium, you know, they use global warming, they knew it was coming. So they built the stadium where they have fucking where their team would be in the shade, the whole game, and the other team would just be baking in the fucking sun. It's the little things. It's the little things.

Now here's the thing. If the dolphins had actually won a fucking Super Bowl, remember that undefeated season they have? Yeah, nobody does. If you do, you're about dead. I mean, that was like fucking, forget about how many years ago that was. It was 51 years ago, I believe.

Let's, how many presents ago was that? Sleepy Joe, Dom Donald, fucking Obi-Wan Drone. The boss's son, the guy who used to, somebody's pussy as a uh... the aviator before him the actor the humanitarian uh... the fucking uh... all american fullback and then sweaty lips right that's ten fucking presidents ten presidents

a goal that doesn't make any sense. Oh, that's because he got impeached. Ford was only in there two years. Carter did one term, Bush did one term, and Trump did one term, term. And then what's his forgetful Freddy here is probably going to be a one and done, right, tell me this shit isn't fixed. I don't get how Biden beats Trump four years ago and then somehow more Trump people are gonna come out. Like someone who voted for Joe Biden is not gonna vote for Trump,

that doesn't fucking happen. Nobody does, everybody's so fucking on their one side, that's it, right? I don't know. I'm calling Vegas on this one side, that's it, right? I don't know. I'm calling Vegas on this one. I have no idea, but I definitely think, I don't know, they should have left them alone. They should have left them alone. Let's sleeping, Narcissists lie.

Didn't they fucking learn anything the first time? If they didn't make fun of him, I believe when he was at that roast and they stuck him in the middle of that fucking room and they humiliated him, they had no fucking idea. That was one of the worst moments in U.S. history because he didn't even want to be president until they fucking did that to him and then he was like, oh yeah, watch this and then he fucking did that to him and then he was like oh yeah watch this and then he fucking did it right and then he didn't know what the fuck he was doing and then his crowding achievement is he led fucking 200 the dumbest fucking people I've ever seen in my life to attack the wrong building in DC but then he felt good. The narcissist felt good.

People died. People went to jail all in the name of him and all of that shit. And then he just went it gone off into the fucking, he pouted when he lost, you know, he put it in the studio and he just went away like if some fucking two-year-old. And that would have been it. But instead, they decided for whatever fucking stupid reason to prosecute this guy for something that all rich people do all the fucking time. It's like, yeah, it's like the sign stealing shit.

All right, we don't got anything on it. I get them for sign stealing. And now he's back, right? That's like when they do a sequel to a movie that like, you almost forgot. It's like they're remaking that like who the fuck needs to see that Howard the Duck Part 2 you know you guys old enough to remember that Leonard Part 6 which was the first one I actually watched that because I was such a fan of Cosby and I sat there when I first

got cable and I watched that whole movie expecting at some point for it to get funny. And I wanna say the movie ends with Bill Cosby riding in ostrich down the street, like often to the sunset or something like that. Like I have no fucking idea. How you fuck a movie up that bad, I will say that. Like it was like what was on the fucking page versus what the fuck you shot And then what the fuck you ended up with look at me. Oh, I direct a couple things. I was like yeah, yeah, you know what no no

It shouldn't make he rides a fucking ostrich over the thing and you yeah, let's make this But it was the 80s. I mean, there was a lot of coke being done But it was the 80s. I mean, there was a lot of Coke being done. Somebody probably questioned it. Like, why would you do that? Because it's never been done. Anyway, I am still getting over a little bit of this cold. It's funny. I'm like living a straight, like a beyond straight edge life right now. Like, I don't know what happened to me with coffee. Like the idea of drinking coffee now, just like absolutely, that disgusts me.

Because I didn't drink it for two weeks and then I had a cup and it was like, okay. And then I had one the next day at like one of the places I always go to and it was like gross. Like I didn't like, I just think I fucking OD on it, like I do with every fucking thing in my life. Can't just have one bill, right? You gotta eat the whole fucking sleeve of cookies, right?

Can't just have one fucking drink. You gotta drink the whole fucking 12 pack, you know? You can't sit in a bar like a fucking normal person, you have to drink them out in the woods. Round a fucking pond fire, right? That's what you got to do Sorry, I'm gonna blow my fucking nose I don't know so

I'm kind of done with cigars I'm gonna try to do like this thing where I'm for the nine millionth time, but I just don't think I can do it. Be that guy that has like discipline. You know, I've been able to do it with like desserts. I just said this shit. I don't fucking eat desserts. You know, it's not my birthday. Yeah, I don't need a fucking slice of cake. I don't need pie, I don't need donuts, I don't need candy candy. What am I fucking? Six years old. This is stupid. I Fucking hate go under the gym. I hate when I take my shirt off and I look like I like I

You pulled me out of a fucking lake. I'm sick of looking waterlogged How many fucking M&Ms you gonna, Bill? You fucking fat-freckled cunt. This is how I talk to myself. I look in the mirror and I'm like my wife's laying in bed. She just hears me in there like yelling at myself. Hey, you go stupid. Look at that big white fucking belly, right? Just hammer myself here. Oh my fucking talking too loud. I think I'm going up to the green here No, I mean up to the yellow almost into the red here If you get out of turn that shit down. I'll figure it out that next week next week. I'll do that So anyway

Up that next week next week. I'll do that So anyway I just decided because my tour does not start back up again until February and I am gonna lose This last little bit and I've been doing great. I've been going to holiday. I'm until fucking amazing Amazing fucking holiday party the other night last night The Pacific I don't want to say who the fucks it was or anything like that. I don't want to get it all. I don't like naming names. Okay? It's not my style. I fucking... I went there. The dude that hosted it. I mean, the guy had like a

fucking hundred-piece orchestra. I swear to God. I mean, what was now? I was like, I don't know how many people was. I mean, to me, that was the party. Just watching that human beings can still do that. Like how unbelievable these musicians were and how they could all play together. And it didn't even sound real. It sounded like a recording. They were that good. And they were just playing all this unbelievable

Chris of music. It was like there was a big band surrounded by an entire stringed section, French horns, fucking cattle drum, somebody on a harp. I mean, it was basically, they went into a music store, they bought all the instruments and then had a fucking the Wayne Gretzky of whatever on each one of them. They were unfuckin' believable.

So we hung out there for a couple of hours, great food, fucking awesome people, man. It was just an all great time. And then I had a spot up the comedy store and I went up there and you know, tried out some new shit that I'm working on. And, for whatever reason, I was trying to work like cleaner, you know, because I thought for a second

I was gonna be doing this TV show, you know. So I was like, well, why don't I, I'm working on this new material and it just seems like it's a quick, it's gonna have a quick shelf life. So I'm like, all right, why don't you just write it clean like you did 30 years ago and just see how that goes, right? And I started doing that. I'm going to try doing that like the next like 10 minutes I have.

I'm just going to write it clean just so I have that. So if I get this gig, I don't have to fucking worry about, you know, because for me, always taking out the curse words, everybody acts like it's harder. What it is, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it,

it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, funny. When you take out the curse word, it fucks with the rhythm. So all you have to do is, you know, just look at it like music. You can't lop off an eighth note. Then it becomes like odd time and odd time, it's not going to be funny. You know what I mean? You know what you're shitting for4 for comedy. So what you have to do is just replace the curse word with the same amount of syllable like word. Like if it's like asshole, you need a two syllable clean, we're built, we get it. All right, or there's also a way you just pause

or hit harder on a different word, which creates a pause and the line is still delivered in the same amount of time. You know what I mean? Almost like simplifying a filth, but it's still over four beats, if that makes sense. So yeah, that sounds like a fucking math problem, right? I don't wanna have to deal with that shit.

So, and I also kind of liked it. I kind of liked, you know, it was just like a different thing. I do like just going up there and just saying whatever I'm thinking, but that was the first time now I was like, I haven't done this in a while, like trying to craft this in a way that it's different from the way I just usually do shit, which is good to go up and talk.

Because sometimes I watch people's process. Like, that is fascinating to me, how different people put their shit together. And I don't have, my process is no process. My process is just to go, I'm talking about that and then go up and talk about it and then see how it goes. And then not learn anything from it and then do it again the next night. That's almost how I handle all my relationships. I'm just babbling. I'm just goping.

Um all right let me let me what am I doing here? I gotta read I gotta okay, here we go. We gotta do some advertising. Oh look who it is everybody. It's old zip back Talk about that one person on your holiday list who's really hard to find the perfect gift for one person on your holiday list who's really hard to find the perfect gift for. Examples, my best friend, because they already have so many things. My husband, my wife, because we've been together for so long. My dad, because he's really picky. No, it would be probably my wife, because I've bought her a lot of shit. We have been together for a long time.

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You see about clasp.com slash burr. Spell out burr. B-U-R-R. Zippercruder. This is the smartest way to hire. I was in my head on that one. I tried too hard. Oh, ozampic.

Oh, somebody's gonna write, write it. Oh, oh, oh, ozampic. Oh, somebody's gonna write, write it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You know that that's supposed to be for diabetics I believe and people are using it to lose weight I'll tell you right now if you want an all natural way you want an all natural way to fucking lose the way get the stomach full all right No one in your family has it. Well fucking go out and go get it Hey Bill, I'm just waiting for the class action against Ozempic. My wife was on it for three, four months before she had ever gallbladder removed. Never had a problem with her gallbladder in the past.

Oh my God, that's terrifying. Yep. I can tell you something right now. There's gonna be nobody in this election next year. Blua Red Tye that is gonna call out the pharmaceutical industry and the shit that they've done to people, the shit that they continue to do, how they've infiltrated the FDA

to fucking pass all this shit through. Not even we're gonna talk about it there. It's a thousand points of light, trickle-bound, fucking, you know, text text the rich, fucking, fuck the poor. Get the foreigners out of here. Build a fucking wall. The education. We need to pay people. They can dance all around them. They're not going to bring any of that shit up. Okay. But the candidate that they say is a fringe candidate. Yeah. Personal do it. Um, It's unreal. It's

something they just they don't fucking go to jail. They literally kill people. They they affect people's fucking lives and just nothing fucking happens to them. If I've learned anything, you know, from my world travel, you're you're on your own. And it's stupid. I think once we became just so many fucking people that was, maybe that was inevitable. I don't know. You think back when there was just little tribes, people with, there was still probably, you know, the Steve Jobs caveman. Anyway, come on out with a new club every year.

Oh, sorry. All right. Jimmy Kimmel. Oh, yeah, I had a great, I love that guy. I had such a great time on a show the other night. Dear Bill, great job on Kimmel. Yes, we have a great time busting each other's chops. I see you get a lot of shit for a lot of stuff you say, but if you dig beneath the ginger laden rage, you've made some great calls. Look at me. Every once in a while. I don't think I made some great calls this Sunday on these football games.

As you have said on Kimmel, they should have shut the hell up and let that guy go away. Yeah, they should have neutral energy people. Listen, this is a great time of year to learn how to deal with a narcissist, okay? You're going to go home for Christmas, you know, maybe I don't know. Hopefully you don't have one in your family. If you do, if you do, there's only one solution, man. You just, you got to, you got to cut them out of your life. It's fucking unreal. It's hard, but you know, I'll tell you what the weirdest thing is,

it's actually getting a narcissist out of your life is really easy, because what you do is you just call them and return their text, you know, or initiate texting at the same level that they do, which is not. Okay, narcissists, the phone works one way unless they want something. All right, but generally speaking, as far as like, hey man, just call them to say, what's up?

They never do that. You have to come to them. So the bottom line is if you fucking just start doing that to them, like, I'm gonna wait for them to call me. Your relationship with them will be over within a two to three month period. And I don't care how long you've known them. And they will feel slighted and they will feel like victims and all that, but who gives a fuck? They're out of your life. But anyways, person says, if we have to endure another four years, another four years, he might be back for another eight years.

If we have to endure another four years, it won't be your fault. But somehow you'll probably get a little blame. I love you and love the podcast. Oh yeah, I was because the first time when everyone was like freaking out, I was on Conan going like, it's not gonna affect your life. I was talking to going like, it's not going to affect your life.

I was talking to like, the average white guy out there, it's not going to affect your life. And it didn't. It didn't, I mean, you know, and the guy fucking burned himself out and fucked the whole thing up and he was done. And then they just had to go knock on his fucking door again I don't know why they did that

Especially when the guy this sticking in the ring. I don't even know if he's gonna make it to next fucking November How would these are only two fucking choices? Jesus fucking Christ and then the other guys, they're just fucking weirdos. It's just getting weirder and we're you know what it is? I really think it is because now like there's just so many fucking assholes too on the internet that are just, did you see that one where they're making front of that guy from Florida where the guy's doing the voiceover of the dudes inner thoughts going, my name is so-and-so.

I am a human person. I have on a big boy suits with my man shoes or something like that. And it's just doing that. You could basically do this to fucking anybody, but like no one has your standing out there. Like this is like footage that wasn't even on TV and they just fucking had it. And then somebody makes that video and they've everyone's just, you're just sitting on a fucking dunking stool. I just think anybody with a brain is like, I don't want that fucking job. I don't want that job. I also do love the people that dumb enough to think that a guy that makes 400 grand a year is somehow

I've got to turn around this fucking country. It just fucking blows my mind. You know what I mean? You can make more money a year showing you a clam on Instagram than you can run in this country. You get paid more I should say. I'm not talking about kickbacks. All right. That's where the president beats out the average whore on Instagram. And that's how you get the house out the average whore on Instagram and that's how you get the house on fucking Epstein Island. All right, dear Billum the bashful. This year's Thanksgiving food was terrible. That's the worst. I've had one of those. I'm sorry, they ever tell you the time like me and Nia did it. We fucking have we decided to have a vegetarian Thanksgiving. I know, I know, I know. Listen, we all have stuff that were ashamed of in our past.

That was the dumbest fucking idea. Like, oh my God, we beat ourselves up about that. I can't even remember what the fuck we had, but it all sucked. Now, in defense of vegetarians, we didn't know how to cook it properly. But like, if you don't know how to fucking cook it properly, the first time you do it, you don't fucking do it on Thanksgiving.

And that's what the fuck we did. And it sucked so fucking bad that I went down to the lab factory to feed homeless people, not because I cared about them. It was because they used to have this deli green blasts next door and you could buy Thanksgiving dinner and I went there and I ate one. And I was felt so guilty. I had turkey and gravy and mashed potatoes

and a piece of pie and I came home and I just had to confess to my wife that I did that and she went, she like laughed, acted like she was all betrayed. And then the next night I took her out for something like that. It was the worst fucking, that was my worst year of Thanksgiving. And then one year I had a great, I had a great fucking Thanksgiving with no great food. I was fucking this chicken dumped me and I was single and I didn't give a fuck. And I remember just thinking like, you know what? I'm staying single. Fuck this shit.

Just fuck this shit. Like, what am I doing? I just got from one relationship to another. I'm not fucking doing this. I'm just going to be fucking single. And there was another buddy of mine. He was a comedian. And he's, Tim and his check had just broken up. And we just decided that we were going to sit my apartment and drink fucking beers and watch football and get fucked up.

And we were not gonna have any Thanksgiving and we weren't gonna eat any differently. We were just, we were going to embrace the fact that we had no one in our lives except for us and we had the best fucking time. And we were just laughing, talking about like, I guess we're supposed to be missing people right now and we didn't, we didn't miss anybody.

And it was fucking amazing. So I've had two thanksgivings with the food, one where it sucked and then the other one where we didn't even have any and I didn't give a fuck. So anyway, so here's this person's story. I'm a 29 year old single guy with three older sisters who are all married with kids. So I have one thanksgiving to go to. This year my sister decided our mother is too old to cook. Oh, and they all wanted to take care of the food. Huge mistake. All in capital letters. No cranberry sauce. I mean, you can just buy that. No green bean casserole. Alright, this is a white dude. Alright, I'm feeling, I'm feeling seen here.

No fucking pumpkin pie, another white staple. And to top it all off, no turkey! Bill, they bought barbecued turkey legs. Like at a goddamn Renaissance festival. Oh, they didn't, they just fucking, they post-mated it. Yeah, that's your modern woman. They can't fucking cook. They feel like they're above it.

And if elected, I tell all these bros to get back in the kitchen. I'm not saying that you should fucking like, have to cook all the time, but you should know how to, as an adult, you should know how to fucking cook. That's a big one, man or woman, you gotta, like, you gotta man the fucking grill,

you gotta not throw down to an acceptable level. You gotta have a couple of go-tos that you just know this is a family recipe. I can do this and I will not embarrass myself. I will not be a cancer in this fucking locker room. So anyway, they bought, like they were Renaissance Festival. What the fuck was that shit? Also they tried to make this crunchy mac and cheese, but it was all bread crumbs where if

I ate it, it would hurt the roof of my mouth. Yeah, they don't know how to cook. How the fuck did these women get married? Are they making money? Are they hot? Are you sister's hot? Something's going on here. All right, on top of all that, before I, before hand, I asked if I could bring any food and they just told me to bring wine and beer. So they were just like, don't worry, we got this. One of my brother-in-law's only drinks soures, so I was told to make sure I brought that.

A $20 for pack for fuck's sake. If I invested all of this, the least they could do is make semi-normal Thanksgiving food. Now, I know there's a lot of women going, well, why didn't you fucking cook? You know why? Because they said they were gonna. All right, so shut your face.

This guy is every right to bitch. He said, should I bring food? They said, no, we got it. You just bring the booze, what she did. He held up his side of the fucking barn. All right, despite our mother's declining health, she was insistent on making food for Christmas and next year's Thanksgiving.

Bill, how do I tell them to just keep it simple? Why do we have all these alternatives? Were they trying too hard to show they can cook? No. No, I don't know, the first of all, don't ever try to think why a woman did something. Okay, that doesn't make any sense. Okay, you'd be lucky if you can guess what the average guy is thinking. It's another human being. And then when you're talking about a woman, as a man, it's a different fucking species. All right, you have no fucking idea what they're

thinking. All they did was show you that they cannot cook on any fucking level and they are years away from getting good at it, years away from being the captain of the ship on a Thanksgiving. All right, so what you need to do is I just wouldn't go. Or what I would do next year is like I would have a backup Thanksgiving. I would have a Thanksgiving that I go to before their Thanksgiving. And what I would do is show up, you know, to their Thanksgiving and just drink beer and when they ask why you're not eating, just say you're getting a colonoscopy the next day. And they're going to be like, aren't you not supposed to be drinking booze

and now now it's just food? Or you just be like, well, I mean, I gotta do something on Thanksgiving, right? I'm only having a couple. I would just do that. Or you could just do the easiest thing. Just tell the truth, just be like, listen, that was some of the worst food I've ever had in my life.

I love you guys, you know, my sisters, but, you know, if you cook for me every night, like, I wouldn't love you anymore. All right, happy holidays. This really isn't a hard one, dude. I get it, you wanna see your mother or whatever. But she said that she's cooking next Thanksgiving. What a thing to do, your mother. She must be thinking like, where did I go wrong

that I didn't teach these broadside a fucking cook? You know, you gotta be a little, I know your mom's sick, but you know, you know, it starts at the top, right? The head coach is the first one that gets fired, no? Anyway, car ownership, billy the wise ass oh dear billy the wise parenthesis ass a small group of people

uh... bash electric vehicles and the stupid videos they make work because they annoy easy targets like you uh... alright sales are up and charging stations are popping up everywhere. They're not going away. A couple people trash the internet when it came around. Were you one of them?

LOL? Well, yeah, but part of me is also to tell jokes and fucking laugh at shit. All right, I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to be like, I mean, you think I don't know that electric cars are coming and that they're here to stay? I think when Porsche has thrown their fucking hat in the ring, I really don't think you're giving me any new information.

All right, you smart me, cunt. Okay, the real problem isn't the cars. You know what, this person here is fucking more annoying, probably than the food that those women made. All right. The real problem isn't the cars. It's laws enforcing people to switch to them. Which states are now planning for all new car sales? This bothers people because it makes us versus them.

The wave of effects it's going to have in California on the lowest income is going to be catastrophic. As opposed to what? As opposed to what? Everything is gonna be catastrophic to the lowest income. Everything is catastrophic to the middle class at this point. Everything is. So like, I don't know what, like, this is the thing that's going to take out poor people. They're already

fucked. I could argue the other side. Remember, flat screens first came out. They were like fucking $13,000. Now you can get one for a couple hundred bucks. New technology is always way overpriced because the fucking, you know, I got to have it first guys. That's why I saw that fucking, what is that stupid fucking car? The, what is it called? The fucking Lucid. It's a four-door sedan. They want 250 grand for it. It's fucking ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous. It's as ridiculous as a $13,000 flat screen TV. Are they gonna come down?

Just like rollerblades did. Rollerblades were 100 something bucks and then everybody fucking had one and all of a sudden they were $30. Anyway, and completely tightened their ability to work and travel. No considerations have or likely will be made for this. All right, so just out of curiosity, what do the gas companies do to fucking help these people? Oil companies have given a shit about low income people. There's just gonna be rich people and poor people.

That's where it's gonna go. And you can't just blame electric cars. I think it's gonna be rich people and poor people. That's where it's going to go. And you can't just blame electric cars. I think it's going to be a whole bunch of things. And it all goes in the same fucking direction. No? Also, there's lots of videos of unelected officials saying private car ownership is going to be obsolete in 15 years. You can watch their videos where they brag about it.

And these are the people who put money behind politicians so you know they can pull it off. Not saying they will, but the state clear, but they state clearly that they're trying so don't call me crazy. Happy holidays to you and your family back east. Dude, I'm not saying you're crazy. You're fucking talking about what I'm talking about. And then saying it to me like it's the new experience. You just started off bad, dude. You just started off bad. Like you don't watch anything and get triggered online. All right. Anyway, I had a meltdown today.

It's just like at what point are they going to feel like they're in control of us and what are they planning? I think it all goes to the AI shit. I think all of this AI stuff, they know what they're working towards and they know that once we realize what it is they're actually up to, they want to have our ability, you know, they're going to like, like, I don't know what they're just attacking every fucking freedom that is out there. And then you have these mouth-breathing morons that are into politics and all they do is blame the other party. And, you know, and these newspapers that go after stand-up comedians and actors or whatever the latest person fucking said, and they're just completely ignorant. Like, why isn't the fact that that insider trading shit that senators and Congress people

do? Why isn't that like something that has just talked about every day like they did with fucking COVID? Why aren't they doing that? How come these people are allowed to do that? And be worth $20 million, just doing something that, why they decided that what is illegal for us is not illegal for them.

It's one of the most corrupt, overtly corrupt things that it's just so to know, and people are like, yeah, I know, it's crazy. It's crazy. But then like, you know, like if there's some sort of celebrity scandal with like an athlete or whatever, like that's like, you know,

or like, are these baseball players doing steroids? Did Lance Armstrong cheat in a bicycle race? Like the fucking government is like, we're gonna get down to the fucking brass tax on this. I just get my question. I just don't understand why are they just so, why, why are they so upset with people being able to kind of drive around and kind of do what they want to do? Why are they like, like these people are sick unless they they know

something that we don't? Hey you know speaking of Thanksgiving I mean maybe we're the fucking turkeys about to get slaughtered. I have no fucking idea. I didn't want to end the podcast like that but I can tell you right now, that shit is gonna fucking happen if we continue to just look at each other, is you're either a liberal or you're a fucking conservative. I feel like we're playing right into their hands, and we're gonna lose, I don't know, but I don't have any solutions.

How do you get fucking 6.9 billion people all on this same page? How the fuck do you do that? Who knows? I just take solace and the fact that you know this fucking AI robots eventually are gonna fucking kill them. Oh the weather outside is frightful. All right, that was a fucking dark way to people listen, there's enough darkness in the world. Please don't send me shit like this, because I just bummed you out

and now I have to go to fucking bed with this shit on my fucking mic. You know, I don't know. This is like the type of thing where it's just like, oh yeah, I get why people buy guns. When you start going down that thing is I get it. I get it. I mean, you're not gonna win,

but at least you could take a few out with you. But who are you gonna kill? You're not gonna kill the right guys. You're just gonna kill the fucking guys that are sent out by the guys you wanna kill to come up and get you. That's what kills me. It's a bunch of suits that fucking pussy's. Anyway, all right, that's it kills me. It's a bunch of suits. They're fucking pussy's.

Anyway, alright, that's it. Okay, I don't know how to end this. Listen, try to live in the moment. I'm sorry. I have no idea what this is like when I can't find a laugh to get off stage. It's like, alright, that's my time. Good night everybody. Have a great couple of days and I'll check in on you in a couple of days. Go fuck yourself. See ya.