Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-11

Episode Date: December 13, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Christmas, Eli Manning, your liver, and coconut dream bars.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea Roasted bacon boiled

It's like a sauna. I'm fucking sick. You like my voice? DROID Cough I got fucking sick this week. Too much fucking traveling around. Too much flying.

All over the place. Doing all this fucking bullshit. I don't know what I did. I fucking woke up. Shook too many hands. Scratch my nose. And here I sit. Hang on one second everybody.

Yeah. Alright. That's fucking gross. You know. Having a beard is awesome. Until you have a cold. I'm gonna leave it at that. Jesus fucking Christ.

And you know what's funny? I'm like achy. That sort of achy sick. You know. It's just fucking. And I haven't even started my goddamn Christmas shopping. Which is something I don't even know why I have to fucking do it.

You know. Christmas is the most fucked up holiday. On the face of the earth. I don't get what is it. You know. Can we make up our minds? Is it Jesus' birthday?

Or is it the fucking the fat guy coming down the chimney? You know. It's both. You know something? I gotta go with Jesus on Christmas. That's who I gotta go with. I like Jesus on Christmas.

I like Jesus. I like him at Christmas time. I like Jesus. I like Jesus. Cause he's got the water and wine. I like Jesus. You know why? Cause I don't have to buy any fucking gifts for that

SOB. And he is an SOB. Right? Oh wait. He knew who his father was. His father who art in heaven. It's his father who is in heaven. He is in heaven. You know. Not trying to nitpick.

Our father who is in heaven. Big up to he. He fucking kidding me. You know how fucking weird it is to be this sick living in a desert. I want to thank everybody who came out to the Braille Improv this weekend.

I had an awesome time out there. I apologize if I was a little bit grumpy. You know. I just said fucking traffic always gets me going out there. It always gets me. You know. It just kills me. You know.

I love living in Los Angeles until I get on those goddamn highways and then I feel unbelievably claustrophobic. Cause I just feel like there is no fucking way out. Some shit went down. Where do I go? There's no way. There's no where to go. You know. I'll tell you where the apocalypse comes.

I'm just going to get my jam jams. I'm going to put on a robe. You know. Whatever fucking angry person is going to come down from heaven. Cause he's mad at me. Cause I rubbed one out to the merry chick down the block. You know.

You think you're going to fucking scare me? All right. You will. But you think I'm going to fucking dress like I'm scared? You think I'm going to get on those fucking highways and do some feudal drive to where? Vegas?

Where the fuck am I going to go? I'm going to sit there on my fucking jam jams. I just like saying that. I'm going to drink some tea. Like I'm doing right now. Oh hello demon from another world. Do I not have enough fucking saintly frequent

flyer miles to get upgraded into heaven? You know. I don't know what you're so fucking excited about. You're going down the hell with me. You cunt. You know. Why don't we join forces and tack those up in first class. What do you say?

All right. So anyways. You know something. What's so fucked up about the population problem in this world is we could just fucking deal with it right now in an easy way. Rather than go in the hard route.

You know. Just right now. Let everybody have one kid. So you got that thing that half looks like you half looks like your wife and you'd be like I've continued the bloodline. All right. Then you want more kids. Just go out and adopt.

There's plenty of fucking kids around the world sitting in a fucking mud hole. Trying to dig out a goddamn diamond. So you can fucking pay nine zillion dollars for it and give it to your fucking broad on Christmas. You know. Why don't you adopt one of those diamond digging sons of bitches

teaching the language. Little fucker. Go on the backyard. I'll make you a fortune. You know. Just digging it up. Little adopted kid. Dig it up. You know. Why don't we do that? And then you just let some old people die

and you let people fall off fucking ladders and all that type of shit and the population would gradually go down. No. Everyone's just going to keep fucking. You know. Having brand new kids.

That's what they want. They want brand new kids. Nobody wants a fucking used one. No one wants to take a chance on a barn find. You know. Some little kid. You know. With the original motor. Living up in the loft of a barn for the last 20 years. You know.

Matching numbers. You know what that. Then you teach him how to be a good kid. Little body off restoration. Little rotisserie. Right. Does anybody else watch the speed channel? Don't you love that fucking channel? I fucking love that channel. I love watching them taking cars that I like

and they redo them. I don't like the custom shit. You know. I don't like when the outside looks like an old car and then the inside. You know. Looks like a fucking rapper's foyer.

You know. Everything's all. I don't like it like that. I like it like that. Everything's reminded me of a song today. I like when they just. I'm big on the fucking interior. Which is why I never bought the Dodge Challenger. You know.

The outside of that car is fucking. It's beautiful. I love it. You know. I see it. My heart starts racing. One of my hands goes into one of my pockets. I get arrested for lewd behavior with an inanimate object. In the fucking thing.

And I might as well be sitting in a Christ of 300. I don't see what the fucking deal is. What's the deal? With going half ass on the interior? It looked like shit. Hang on. You know. It's the worst.

When I get sick. When I bite into a York peppermint patty. When I get sick everybody. I will just throw that over there. When I get sick. What I do. Is I just act like I'm not sick.

And I just continue to do the shit that I normally do. You know. I don't run around. But you know. Yesterday I'm fucking sick and Nia starts telling me that I gotta you know. You need to stay in bed the whole day and drink liquids. It's like. Yeah. Okay.

I'm not doing that. I have a cold. I don't have cancer. Alright. I'm fucking. You know what I mean? I can drink liquid. Lay it on the couch. Watching football. She got so fucking mad at me.

Cause all my buddies call me on football Sunday. You know. Cause we gamble. We throw the money around. Just with each other. You know. So there's a lot of texting. There's a lot of shit talking and that type of stuff.

And I gotta get on the phone after a while to defend myself if one of my pics isn't coming through Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What the fuck happened to those assholes yesterday? Huh? I thought that was a win. 14-nothing. I was all set. I didn't even watch the game. Went in the kitchen. I'm making an English muffin and I come back.

It's like fucking 70 to 14. So anyways. Anyways. Yeah. My friends just kept calling me and I kept picking up the phone and I was talking shit. And she just kept glaring at me. You know. It really made me mad.

You know. It's like what the fuck. Let me be sick how I want to be sick. You mad at me cause I'm sick? No. I'm mad at you. Because you're an idiot. You're not doing the things you need to do to get better. I am doing the fuck. I'm fucking sitting on them laying on the fucking couch.

You know. What is the difference between laying on the fucking couch watching television as opposed to laying in the fucking bedroom with nothing staring at the goddamn wall. You know. I'm going to start moaning when I'm in there. That's why fucking people moan when they're

you know. When you don't have a fucking TV you start moaning. Oh. Alright. You're miserable. You get that fucking TV going. You forget. You have a cold. Especially with all these shit ass fucking calls this year. I swear to God. I don't even recognize

the NFL anymore. You know. Why is it illegal to cover a fucking wide receiver? Why are five guys going to break Dan Marino's yardage for the year record? You know. It's such fucking bullshit.

I had the Giants yesterday getting four and a half. Right? Eli Manning is the fucking man. Alright. You know what he's like? He's like Serena and fucking Peyton Manning is like Venus.

Venus came out early. Right? And everybody's like oh. Oh shit. Look at Venus. Venus. You're gonna win everything. Right? Then what happened? All of a sudden Serena came out of fucking nowhere. Bam.

She starts fucking winning. Eli Manning has way more come from behind wins than Peyton Manning does. I'm telling you. He does. And I would rather have the ball in his hands than Peyton's hands. You know? Go ahead and argue. Go ahead and roll

your eyes there stat boy. Come at me with all your fantasy football stats from games one through sixteen. Both of them had the ball in their hands. With only a minute left in the Super Bowl. One drove down

to victory. To glory. To legendary status. The other threw a pick six to lose the fucking Super Bowl. How many times this year how many fucking times does Eli Manning have to win a game on the last drive

to get some goddamn respect in this fucking league. That guy is a beast. He's a fucking beast. Yeah. He doesn't throw as many fucking yards. Sure. He's not as funny in the commercials. But if you want wins.

That's your man. That is your fucking man. I am totally sold on that motherfucker. Right. As opposed to Tony Romo. That's why you know that's why I picked the giant chest today. It's like you know what NFC East. It's going to be a close fucking

game. It's going to come down to the wire. The ball's going to be in Eli's hand and Tony Romo's hand. You know. But because of where they cover fucking receivers. They had the goddamn game one and they give up 50 yards on two fucking plays. I'm sick of it. That's stupid fucking prevent defense. The fact that you can't

touch the fucking receivers. They're making every quarterback out there look like they're John Elway. Look like they're fucking Joe Montana and these fucking guys. There's a lot of padded stats going on out there. That's all I'm saying. I'm sick of these fucking wide

receivers getting treated like these goddamn diva whores on VH1. All right. And I don't think that we should go back to the Jack Tatum era where he would just sucker punch guys and wouldn't even play the fucking ball. You ever watch that guy's highlights? It's

fucking ridiculous. Quarterbacks. I mean the fucking wide receivers got his head turned around looking at the ball and he would just clock them in the head when they weren't looking. Kind of like that douche who punched that big white boy there on the college basketball court.

Total fucking sucker punch. But whose fault was that? I say it's the big white boys. The first thing you got to understand is when you're involved in one of those west side story

beat it video deals in real life when fucking 10 psychos meet with 10 other psychos the punch is never coming from whoever you're looking at. In the fucking history of mobs

I bet if you went back to the revolutionary war that poor black dude the first one to get shot do you think he was looking at the person who shot him? Of course he wasn't. There's probably some British guy on the other side. Hey over here mate you with the

tan over here somebody else shot him in the fucking gut that's how it works. You know? So in the words of what's his face from the old Tampa Bay warren sap in the words of warren sap

keep your head on the swivel you remember that time when he knocked that dude out he knocked that fucking guy out total fucking cheap shot he just kept going keep your head on the swivel keep your head on the swivel he was right

not saying what he did wasn't a piece of shit move but you know wasn't illegal what the fuck am I talking about I don't know I can't even laid out I'm so fucking congested that's another thing too when everybody comes up to you and starts giving you pills

when you're sick you know you're walking around like Jim Morrison in 1968 people handing you acid and saying hey man try this this is gonna work right fucking Albus Seltzer cold medicine I don't know

I just know it's all kicking the shit out of my liver you ever look at the color of dayquil how in God's name is that medicine like how the fuck is that good for you I forget what your liver does but it's basically it's basically responsible your liver is like that tent city

in Scarface you know just underneath the overpass all these fucking scumbags you know when you take those fucking pills that's where it goes that's who has to process it you know I want my fucking chewing rights

you know that's your liver little picture of Jimmy Carter right over your shoulder I just try to tough it up that's what I do I go old school I get Kleenex I drink a little bit of tea and I try to stay away from all that fucking horseshit unless I have shows

if I have shows I drug myself up like Albus like Albus in 1976 I need a man come on I ain't shit in three days give me some more do you know when they did the autopsy on him a giant capsule came out of his ass do you realize that

still intact it's unreal I don't even know what I'm talking about this week everybody this week actually coming up coming up this week people the redheaded fuckface tour just continues

I am going to Tempe, Arizona you know and I'm playing at the Improv out there Friday and Saturday and I'm hanging around because Arizona who I lost money on is what the fuck who they playing

they're playing the Browns they play the Browns why is everything a song to me this week that was I get around from the Beach Boys you like that little song parodies I'm going super hack with you guys hang on a second while I drink some organic

throat coat tea how gay does that drink sound I always hate that that's one of the few things in my rider it's water and organic throat coat tea this stuff is the shit but there's just certain things that are just you should just have a gay guy step in

right as you go to order it you know like in the most flamboyantly stereotypical gay guy ever you'd be like yes Bill can we get anything for the show yeah I just need some water and some and then some guy steps in gay guy organic throat coat tea

right that's like what I used to live in New York and I used to get that fucking tasty treat down the street coconut dream bar is what it was called and I just couldn't get myself to say it I'd be like let me get one of those coconut things and the person would always be like

you mean the coconut dream bar yes I do that's exactly what I mean would you like us to heat it up and shove it in your ass no I'll take it at room temperature thank you alright here we go

let's uh oh let's get going here alright we're bringing this one back douchebag of the week this guy says I've been a long time listener the last few stand up shows in Seattle alright so right there once again establishing credibility

okay he's a fan both at work and I support you you know when you come out so all right off the bat he's setting this thing up like I have something that I can take away from you you know

I can take my eight dollars off the table they have freckle face anyways he says can you do us all a favor us now we speaking for the group and cancel the dilemmas segment these are both not funny and really stupid

my dilemma for you would you rather listen to bill burr's dilemma dilemmas or realize you have lost your comedic talent cause you allowed idiots to take over your show that's kind of a weird question would you rather listen to bill burr's dilemma or realize you've lost your comedic talent

Jesus Christ dude first of all this is why you're douchebag of the week not cause you don't like dilemmas it's because you did that classic thing that people do when they write a complaint letter as you act as though you're sitting in a room with 800 other

fucking people and they're all going hey douchebag write it for us cause we don't know how to this is the only complaint I got about dilemmas alright so I don't know who the fuck you're speaking for are you trapped in a sand shaft with fucking wireless internet is that what you're doing

go fuck yourself buddy in an honor of you it's time for dilemmas dilemmas alright I haven't even read these fuckers yet but you know that's what makes this segment so annoying to this guy so I'm going to try to be extra unfunny during these

hang on a second let me blow my nose well maybe I should blow my nose during the middle of it to make it even more annoying cause god what would I do without this douchebag hey fuck head do you realize how many podcasts are out there why don't you go listen to those ones if you're so fucking unhappy with this one alright and I don't need you coming to my

shows alright you cunt you and your 800 invisible friends can go fuck yourself what do you think about that huh hang on a second and another thing alright we're up to three clean x's by the way

okay alright dilemmas for the week go to the bathroom like a cat number one and number two in a dresser drawer sized cat box and have a butler empty it everyday or go to the bathroom like a dog outside in the bushes

and have a butler follow you around to pick it up and tell you that you're a good boy oh that's no fight that's second one I do it outside squat right down in the fucking bushes I'm not shitting inside my house that's why I hate cats

aside from the fact that they act like stuck up cunts at a club you know who's never done accomplish anything other than looking good in life you know and they only come around when they fucking need something you know the other reason why I don't like cats is they

shit in the fucking house then I gotta pick it up I don't like that they're not happy when I come home there's just no there's no give and take you know what it is when you have a cat you're basically Robert De Niro's character in Casino hahahaha

that's what you are you know and your cat is Sharon Stone she's fucking she's just there for the amenities you fucking cunt go OD in a goddamn red roof in alright so yeah

I would definitely be outside who doesn't like being told they're a good boy I get praise what was last time anybody out there got that praise after they took a dump wouldn't that be awesome you know I don't know alright let's plow ahead was that unfunny sir did you not like that one

was that not up to your comedy standards did you feel the rest of this podcast was funnier than that when I blew my nose before I went off on Jesus oh alright let's just plow ahead here number two

would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one ugh I'd rather marry one I'd rather marry one you know if my daughter becomes one that's just complete failure as a parent and in fact that's what I think all those videos

should be called that you see you know when you see on YouTube when you got those girls doing those booty dances you know with the goddamn shorts up their ass like it's always like so and so booty dancing what it should be called is so and so complete failure

as a parent results of a complete failure as a parent absolutely I would rather that's not fair to the kid I would marry a stripper and uh you know I would just I would just have fun

with the stripper I would just do whatever I could you know fuck her if she had one leg pointed west and one leg pointed east you know or north and south if she's standing up drinking coffee you know doing like one of those little ballet moves I just bang her like that and then uh

then I have a kid and be like listen this is the secret in life sweetheart don't do anything that your mother did wouldn't she just become a stripper is that like a reality show that they haven't come up with yet daughters of strippers like what's her face I think

Kurt Cobain's daughter is gonna be alright because her mother is such a fuck up that I think I probably just jinxed her I probably just jinxed her um alright number three uh choose between attack by a bear

or a lion on land and between attack by a shark or crocodile in the water no fucking contest dude I would take a bear and bear or a lion that's a quick death that's a quick one that bear comes up with that bionic bitch slap that's it

you fucking break your neck you ever see a lion kill something that's it it's over and that's going after like major prey and it just crushes your fucking wind pipe you're out in two seconds did you ever know the footage of what's his face the gay lion tamer out there

the one who look like uh what's his face from night at the Roxbury the ah Jesus Christ this fucking cold medicine what the fuck is the guy's name there come on what's the name of that guy

chris katan that one the gay chris katan you ever see one that fucking that lion grabbed that dude and it was over in two seconds he just went limp I take that in a second as opposed to a fucking shark you're sitting out there a shark comes up

first thing it does is it bites into your leg to see if you're edible right just takes a nice chunk out you know like it's doing some sort of wine testing with your fucking thigh meat you know what else kills me is the fact you can't fucking see it you know your head's above the water and all the evil is just below it

you're sitting there you know and I think that you had still you got that cavemen DNA that would just be going off that there was something in the area despite the fact that you couldn't see it you'd be trying to lift your fucking legs up I think

I think the real dilemma here is is between shark or crocodile and I would have to go I would have to go shark I just feel like there it's a cleaner death you know

they got those ginsu knife teeth they just come in like a tiger shark it's just fucking over just a perfect fucking killing machine as they said in Jaws like alligators and crocodiles those fucking things

those are like those guys who aren't talented enough to be in the NFL or the NHL so they just go out there and they try to blow out guys' knees you know alligators and crocodiles are like the Bill Romanowski of fucking predators you know

just that thing where they grab on to you you know what I like about a shark which you could just bite your leg off fucking alligator they always seem to grab it and then they go into that roll and they just so slowly twist it off you know like you're some cooked chicken and they're trying to take the leg

this is getting fucking morbid that's what I would choose alright what else we got here have a beautiful lady who stinks smelly breath smelly ass pussy, pits, hair the works all stinkin

or an ugly fat bitch who smells great I'd go with the ugly fat girl who smells great absolutely because I could love her or the other one who just smelled like shit but was beautiful

and was probably carrying herself like a beautiful lady would annoy me after a while and I'd probably kill her you know why did you kill her? cause her fucking pussy she stunk and she walked around like she was Giselle am I being charged with anything? cause if I am I want a lawyer

go fuck yourselves well Mr. Burr you really just already incriminated yourself I don't care you know the prison will not smell as bad as her ass oh is there anything worse than fucking cold tea alright here we go chimp first linebacker

Bill my friends and I frequently get in an argument over whether a world a world's man competitor or NFL lineman could handle a chimp in a fight I know chimps can rip faces off and are ten times the strength of a normal man

but a normal man is a tub of shit I bet a linebacker could rip some faces off too what do you think uh yeah no contest the chimp would fuck the dude up dude chimps don't fight I was gonna I almost said fairly chimps don't fight like people

they're not gonna you know you gotta come out and touch gloves and they're gonna fuck it sorry he's got a great jab watch out for it's right you know that fucking thing is just gonna jump on you did I ever tell you that time that monkey stole my hotel keys I was in Costa Rica

um the fuck was I down in Costa Rica way out in the bush you know army ants took over my fucking little cabana and that type of shit so they had this pet monkey there a monkey I fucking hate monkeys I never had a problem with chimps

but now that they rip people's faces off and their nuts and their feet off I have a problem with them I like gorillas and I like orangutans orangutans I always thought it was tang t-a-n-g but it's orangutan I like those ones they seem like they've seen it all they got that vibe

they could just sit down and teach you about life but those little monkey motherfuckers I can't stand it right so for some dumb reason cause I'm white I like to walk up to it hey there's a fucking wild animal let me put myself in danger and I walk up to this thing and it fucking jumps on me

uh you know and it's one of those you know remember that video shocked the monkey remember the little monkey in that thing was one of those monkeys or in the faces of death when they were fucking banging that monkey's head till it died

then they ate its brains remember that one yeah it was one of those monkeys and within half a second it turned itself upside down was hanging by its tail from my neck reached in my pockets grabbed my keys and ran back up a fucking tree this all happened

like within like 1.8 seconds and my body reaction was like what wait what ah fuck so if this thing actually wanted to fuck you up the thing's not gonna come out fucking bobbing and weaving it's gonna be running around the room jumping up off of shit you're gonna try to figure out where it is

you're gonna fucking land on your face and that's gonna be it it's gonna tear your face off twist your foot off and rip your balls off and no linebacker stands a fucking chance unless you know what what if they had on the equipment even then they tear your fingers off this is the amazing thing

about how human being survived is everything out there as far as I can tell is faster than us for the most part it is stronger than us faster and stronger for the simple fact that we were smarter we were able to do

all the horrific things that we've done with this nature you know with this nature with this planet you ever think about that shit football players beat the fuck out of the nerds all through grade school and high school then what happens

when the real deal goes down the end of the day those nerds become bankers and those football players get enslaved and there you sit in your house like a caged animal at the fucking zoo and where's that banker you don't even know what the fuck he looks like all those facebook cunts

that goddamn Steve Jobs one of the most overrated human beings on the fucking planet they win in the end intelligent wins oh you know what that reminds me do you guys see Rolling Stone this week they had like the hundred greatest guitarists of all time you know they gotta do like shit like that like every three weeks though because nobody

nobody buys magazines anymore so they always have to do like those you know top sexiest tambourine players of 1986 they do one of those countdowns because it always causes arguments but they had a

an article in there on um what do they call it basically extremely gifted kids and how there's really no programs out there for the extremely gifted there's like one school in the country that actually caters to them at like a grade school level

you know and uh and it's kind of been viewed that skipping grades and all that is bad for the kids socially and now they're realizing it's the complete opposites these kids get fucking depressed because they go to school

and everybody's so much fucking dumber than they are you know and their quest for knowledge fills their heart the way you know you like pussy they were talking about this one kid by the time he was four years old

he spoke like three different languages he had gone through the entire periodic table and was really into rocks and minerals so he goes out with all these regular moron kids who were going to basically end up working at a buffalo wild wings someday and they're out there throwing rocks and stuff

and this kid's trying to tell them about the crystals that are in the rocks and how they were formed and everybody was like you're a stupid liar no one is it they're like throwing rocks out of it I was just thinking like

how he can't even fucking relate to anybody at his own age and they get depressed and they don't want to be smart and after a while they just go comatose and if they stay in the environment too long they can't even hold out a menial job in life it's fucking unreal

the entire time I was reading the article just fascinated and laughing my ass off and imagining this kid being that fucking smart I mean it's bad enough as a comedian to do a third show Saturday night in front of a bunch of god damn drunks

you know they mean the gap and intelligence there just for the simple fact that I'm sober is unbelievably annoying and it's full on fucking torture for an hour but everyday six hours at school

and the gap between him and those kids I mean that fucking kid couldn't even have a conversation with me without getting bored just sitting there this fucking kid was coming home he's going to treat us like puppies Christ I could teach the fucking class so I definitely

recommend reading it you know what's funny is this kid his parents just what they did was they just applied him he applied for college and he tested off the charts and they accepted him and then they said oh by the way he's like 11 now

and they let him in and this is the funny thing one of the schools he went to was a Rappahoe Community College in Colorado and I performed at that school and if you guys listen to me tell stories about some of the worst gigs they ever had

I always bring up a Rappahoe Community College as a reference a newtner at that school in an area with three hallways met a newtner is basically you doing the show at like 12 noon or 1 o'clock in the afternoon it's fucking nightmare

alright kids have no ideas there's a show most of the time the show is held in like the cafeteria you know I'll tell you I've really got to be honest with you the level of fucking humiliation that you have to go through to even get to where the fuck I'm at

goddamn gauntlet of fucking that's what it is it's just one impossible humiliating fucking scenario after another and then every once in a while there's like that

you know like when Columbus saw a branch floating in the water so he knew he was getting the land you'd have a couple of good shows so anyways I'm fucking standing there in this area with three hallways meet and I start the show in between classes it's me and like six kids sitting there

and one of the people is like the person who booked the fucking show and I'm 20 minutes into my act standing next to this popcorn machine just bombing just bombing and all of a sudden this fucking bell goes off or whatever the fuck happened

and all the classes let out and all within two seconds it was like a flash flood of like people all of a sudden all the corridors were filled with people and they're just walking by looking at me with like this combination of like confusion and pity

and then they just started fucking heckling me and all I could do was shit on the school for putting me in that situation I just remember the person booking the gig everything that I would say she'd just be going that's not true that isn't true this is a great school and she was mad at me

in the end and I was so fucking furious at myself for taking the gig and at her going like how did you think that this was gonna fucking work you know do you ever watch stand up on television first of all is it done during the middle of the day is the person standing

in a fucking hallway you know you know what fuck that goddamn creative genius if he's so fucking smart he can get into a better goddamn school than a Rappahoe community college you know what fuck that issue sorry I just had a fucking anger flashback

alright how to get how to get the girl advice advice dear Bill how's it going I'm 21 years old I work with this girl who I would really like to go out with the girl is 29 years old with a 5 year old what the fuck

I'm 21 years old I work with the girl who I would really like to go out with you should just fuck her I don't even need to read the rest of this she's 29 and already has a 5 year old what the fuck is wrong with you you know what I mean you're 21 years old

you're drafted in the first round and you're immediately going to the fourth round with somebody you know she's got a 5 year old kid that's like drafting a fucking running back already blew out his knee what's wrong with you oh he actually writes I know after it okay so he knows alright he goes I can't help it though

we flirt all the time at work and seem to really connect everyone jokes that we are going out and whenever confronted with the possibility from someone this chick she says nothing and laughs but in a good way so about 2 weeks ago

I eventually got the balls up to ask her out to go do something but I think I went about it the wrong way I switched the conversation over to sex your instincts are great sir but you're 21 so you're kind of fumbling through this this is alright he goes I asked her a hypothetical question

which her response was something like I would go over to your house and beat you up to which I said why do you have to beat me up we could do other things Jesus Christ dude what are you butt head we could do other things

I'm sorry terrible impressions she goes she got the gist and the conversation went on for that went on like that for another 10 minutes getting nowhere so just simply flirting about a week later with my confidence high I asked her out and she said something like

so when are we going out oh I said so when are we going out sorry guys I'm fucking this whole thing up let's regroup here so anyways everything goes great a fucking week later I go up to her so when are we going out she seems hesitant

and she says I don't know let's go see right now you already fucked up this is how you fucked up alright all you want to do is fuck this girl okay and rather than coming out and saying it

you danced around it you know you just got to come out and say it you got to just tell them what your fucking intentions are I'm not saying listen I want to fuck you you don't you know you you got yourself halfway

into you basically told her hey I'm going to take you out to a movie and make you feel like I really like you then I'm going to fucking bang you and never call you again you basically said that to her so now she's sitting there she's

grilling you where are we going to go and you were like I don't know we could go somewhere to eat you could come over to my house we could do anything you choose see this is the thing you don't have any tact you went from we could go out somewhere to eat there should have been something else

there should have been something else and then maybe you say your house you don't go from something you go over to my house you know you basically you're in leather face mode here you just come and fly you open in a panel door coming in just fucking dragging her in the back

you can't be like that alright so wait why don't I just finish this fucking thing and get to his question I could never get a straight answer so for the past week when I see her I say so where do you want to go she replies every time I don't know it's really bumming me out

now she seems to be less friendly every time I see her yeah dude because you keep fucking tightening the noose around your neck so is there something I could say to her that could get me straight a straight answer or anything I could possibly do to just know where I stand with this girl so admit I'm very inexperienced with girls

and I don't know how to really go about this isn't that great so you admit that after I sit there and fucking trash you well if you're still listening if I haven't beaten you down creatively here I think your move is is you just stop asking her just stop asking her

continue to be really fucking friendly and then you know wait for the Christmas party and try to banger then I don't know this is what I would tell you just keep doing what you're doing keep putting it out there

and eventually through trial and error you're gonna figure out what to do I don't know if you got the skills at this point to bring this one into the boat I think it's already it's off the hook it's gone I think you kind of heard of Felix I think she actually

liked you liked you and she thought you felt the fucking same basically because you flirted too long and you got to know each other so then you know because women are more developed emotionally

when it comes to that she actually went down more I think I have feelings for this guy and right as she started giving into that you know she's 29 she's got a kid maybe you're gonna be the knight in shining armor to get her out of that fucking single mother shit

you hit her with the a tray of macaroni and hang out in my bedroom you know right there she's like another guy just trying to bang me that's how I ended up with the 5 year old so you got to understand dude she's already she's already done this

you know 5 years old she was 24 she probably banged that Matthew McConaughey type character from days and confused he fucking knocked her up and took her took off completely fucked her life so she's a little gun shy but

at the end of the day she is a human being and they do need affection and that type of thing and women are down for just fucking if you present it in the proper way which you have it and I don't think in this one you can what you got to do is

yeah I would whatever you do don't stop talking to her just be nice to her hey how's it going blah blah blah just don't fucking ask her out again and see if she makes a fucking move if she makes a move oh Jesus this is like this point how far down the shit hole you are this is like

trying to snip the right wire without having to think the device blow up in your face okay let's let's play this scenario so then she comes to you and be like hey you know I thought we were gonna go out you never asked me anymore and you'd be like yeah well I don't know

I got a vibe like I kind of turned you off or whatever you know and that's what you do be like you know you were right you were right look you're in a different situation than me I'm just 21 I was just looking to have some fun and I realized that you know I shouldn't have done that blah blah blah

and maybe then she could be like well I could have some fun and then maybe you could go that route you know I don't know I think your best bet is to try to get her drunk at the Christmas party I don't fucking know why would you listen to me anyways let's plow ahead here yeah dude let it go

let it go just rub one out before you go into work so you just fucking totally chill just have that chill just come in there fucking James Bond you know just totally relax I love love you know whatever maybe it'll happen plenty of fish in the sea

plenty of fish in the sea okay but in the meantime what the fuck I lost the whole point of this you're 21 she's 29 who gives a fuck you know Jesus Christ you know it's actually you trying to land a 29 year old is really going to help you

with fucking women your own age because it's not nearly going to be as fucking difficult I can tell you this this is the best advice I love to give you with women if they're drunk and they're drinking red wine do not kiss them there's nothing worse than fucking merlot breath

alright take her home and just fucking bend her over when she goes to kiss you just grab a handful of her hair you know pull it you just hold it let her feel your power but not be intimidated by it you know she'll feel safe and be fucking turned on all at the same time you turn that bitch over

you bend her over you mush her face right into your form and grill and you have at it but no to no circumstances you know when that teeth you know what makes your teeth look like when you're drinking red wine it's just it's fucking horrific speaking of which speaking of which

the the fucking youtube video of the week I'm going to warn you guys because it's the holiday season do be do be do it's get a leap up stick it up you damn twat listen the fucking

this video is absolutely disgusting this video is a weird way if it was to be sold in a video store which really don't exist anymore it would be in the two girls one cup

section alright now it's not nearly as lewd as over the top disgusting is that video but it is every bit is gross it's two virgins kissing for the first time they're both in their 20s they're at a wedding

and they kissing for the kiss and I cannot fucking explain what it is that they're doing first of all I really hate watching people hardcore kiss I hate it I don't like it in movies I don't like it in pornos

pornos are movies Bill you know what I mean mainstream movies I don't like it in pornos I don't like it when I'm walking down the street I think it is fucking disgusting to watch two people good looking or not good looking to fucking have at it it's fucking gross give yourself quick little smooch sit sit there with your fucking

tongues down jam down each other's throats it's the most fucking repulsive thing you could possibly do sorry I don't know so you compile you compile that with the fact that these are two virgins and basically watching them go at it do you remember that movie alien

remember when it's little mouth would come out of it's big mouth just imagine two aliens kissing with that little mouth that's what it looked like they look like they were eating each other's faces it's fucking the whole thing is fucking disgusting and the fact that they're in love

so they're passionately kissing in this horrific way and totally fucking repressed and just the whole fucking thing and the fact that they got married there's another way that just fucking freaks you out it's the most disgusting video I've ever seen so I'm warning you so please do not complain to me

it's not my fault I didn't make the video I have warned you good luck alright let's fucking plow ahead here loveless in Alaska loveless in Alaska that sounds like a rip off of that Tom Hicks movie

love the podcast and need some advice I'm a 33 year old guy who lives in Fairbanks, Alaska I did a gig up that way Chokut Charlie's way back in the day I think it was in June though I don't remember anyway Alaska you need your take

on what the fuck I should do when it comes to being here I moved up here with my girlfriend of four years I gotta hit pause dude I gotta fucking clear out the fucking lines you're not gonna listen to this hold on alright I'm back sorry

what the fuck I should do up here in Fairbanks, Alaska I moved up here with my girl of four years and got dumped about six months ago yeah cause she saw that dick up there um they have to fly women in up there yeah dude Alaska is basically the fucking

you ever see that movie The Dirty Dozen it's all those guys hanging there then that one night they bring in all those fucking whores that's what Alaska's like so anyways he goes I've been up here solo the bitch pieced out and and I'm thoroughly convinced

I'll remain single if I continue to reside in this shit hole uh planet hoth subarctic wasteland of horribly ugly chicks the guy to girl ratio in Fairbanks which with the military base is about

1.537 million to one you probably think I am a whiny pussy but now by now and are thinking I should just move the hell on yeah that's what I was thinking the problem is my job I'm a firefighter paramedic here

and absolutely love my job but when I leave the guys at the station to go home I feel like Luke Skywalker all stranded in the blizzard I don't even have a a ton ton to hack apart uh but fuck if it's not grinding on me I don't drink

and hate bars and fuck the websites what do I do bill well you just basically walled yourself off it's not like I can bounce back down to the lower 48 that's the states down here for you people never been to Alaska that's what they call us down here the lower 48 and pick up a gig like the one I have

here please hit me with some advice love the show and hope you come back to Alaska sometime ah dude you gotta get out there you have to go to the bars I would be on Facebook you know

trying to fucking fly in some bitch from the Yukon territories you gotta work extra hard for this um I don't know what to tell you because you basically my my advice was obviously well why don't you get out of there

you know they have fires in every other state they have plenty of fires down here you know there's a bunch of gorgeous women out here in Los Angeles just waiting for you know how much they would love you if you came down here as a firefighter how much more fucking interesting that

is if you fucking went into one of these Hollywood bars and everybody there's an actor director producer comedian or that bullshit you come in you're a firefighter you're actually unbelievably interesting like holy shit a real person with a real job as opposed to us

with our fucking phony jobs I think you do alright down here this is what I would do if I was you I hit the bars I hit the fucking social networks and I would get my resume together and I would send it out to all 48 states

you know why don't you fucking just totally turn the tables and submit it to Hawaii why don't you go live down there bang one of those gorgeous fucking Honolulu chicks oh by the way I did a gig out in Bray this weekend

and I believe it was the first show Saturday night there was a chick in the front fucking row alright I thought she had on booty shorts somebody told me in the end that it was actually a really short skirt and she had on these fucking you know those riding boots

like you just stepped off a fucking pony that these girls are wearing nowadays she had those fucking things on she was basically wearing the pretty woman outfit she had these unbelievably fucking perfect thickness tan fucking thighs

right in the front row and she's with her guy okay and I'm sitting there in my head going this guy let his girl dress like that and sit in the front row doesn't he know I'm gonna be trying to look up her skirt and it's gonna fuck up my show

I mean I'm only a guy what the fuck am I supposed to do it like the amount of energy I had to use during that show and then my dick is just talking to me the whole show maybe this is one of these weird guys

that want you to go fuck his girl yeah maybe that's what it is blah blah blah I told a couple of off-color jokes and I saw that she was a good girl but she was dressed like a whore I'm like this girl's a fucking champ god damn thoroughbred and I don't know what the fucking point of that story was but it was absolute torture

to not sit there and fucking look at her and you know something I was sitting there going do I address it or do I not address it and then I immediately started thinking about patrice my great friend who passed away and I was going fuck man he could have done a fucking hour on this shit

and you know what I actually kind of stumbled in this something I wasn't sure if I was going to bring it up if I could but yeah our great friend Patrice O'Neill passed away man we're all absolutely fucking devastated and I'm going to try not to get emotional here

but he has a he has a DVD called elephant in the room makes a great Christmas gift and it would really help out his mom and he also has a new CD out on iTunes called Mr. P and if you guys could do me a huge favor

do you want to repay me for the podcast on any level could you please buy that man's work because I got to tell you man that guy no joke is the funniest fucking dude I ever met in my life and it's not even close it's not even close

and you can't even that dude was so funny even his stand up work only just captures like a sliver of how fucking funny that guy was that guy I'm telling you like him walking

into a deli to buy a newspaper was funnier than most comedians I ever met and it's just it's just fucking awful I'm still in shock that he's he's not here anymore and

I don't know when the time's right I'll be telling some of his stories because I'm telling you I can tell you this there's not going to be another one and that's the thing that probably hurts the most is that there's no fucking way I'm ever going to meet

someone like that again in my life alright okay no crying on the podcast there we go plowing ahead so if you guys could fucking do that for me I would really appreciate it um yeah alright so here we go push it down

push it down um YouTube videos of the week we got um oh we got a great one the uh Thanksgiving am I really going to do YouTube videos after that whatever we'll have them up in the fucking M.M. podcast um

that's the podcast for this week themmpodcast.com please visit that and um we have a donation button and all that but I fuck all of that just buy Patrice O'Neill's work share it with other people because people really should know

what a genius that guy was um one of a kind and I'm going to miss him alright that's the podcast I'll talk to you guys next week see ya learn more at meta.com slash Metaverse Impact