Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-12-22

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Bill rambles about useless internet searches, Kirstie Alley, and hungry pet snakes. Fight Camp:  Join the biggest boxing community in the world without leaving your home.This Holiday Season, you’ll also get a Heart Rate Monitor, and a Premium Jump Rope for FREE. That’s an additional $148 value, for FREE. FightCamp packages start at just $99. They also offer some great financing options so you can get started for as low as $9 a month.  To get started and to get your free gifts with purchase, go to FightCamp.com/ BURR. That’s www.FightCamp.com/BURR Masterclass:  This holiday, give one annual membership and get one free!  Go to www.Masterclass.com/BURR SimpliSafe:  Get 40% off any new system at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR

Let's see how that kills us right off the bat. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 12th, 2022. How are you? What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? How are you doing? Jesus Christ. You know, when you try to fucking look, I'm just jumping right in. I don't give a shit. You know, when you just go to fucking look something up, what is the origin of this? Right? And what do they do? You get on the thing, there's a zillion fucking ads, and they rewind the fucking story like nine months, nine years, nine decades, nine fucking centuries.

It's like the literally just goes like, well, first of all, why are we asking this? And I'm like, who gives a fuck? I just want the fucking answer. That's literally like sitting there saying to somebody like, hey, what's two plus two? Well, before we say that, answer that, what are numbers? And why did we feel the need to create them? My dumb ass finally figured out that the reason why they do that is so that you have to keep reading this shit while all these ads go by and they get credit for you fucking looking at them. You know what I mean? Is there one fucking honest cunt in the world? And it all comes down to the fact that it's one giant Ponzi scheme and these fucking suits have us all scamper and trying to make a fucking dollar as much as

we can, which by the way, by the fucking way, where the fuck did all these Bitcoin people go? Jesus Christ, they were up my ass. Dude, you're out of your mind. You're out of your mind. You didn't get Bitcoin. And I just kept saying to them like, dude, do you think that this giant Ponzi scheme is going to let this little Ponzi scheme start a whole new fucking Ponzi scheme? They're not. I am jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. These things are the exact same fucking thing. There's nothing behind it, but a belief system. And the second the belief is gone, the fucking thing collapses. That's basically what it is. All right. So at that point, what I have to do is I got to look to see who's the biggest fucking bear in this territory, because it's

going to kill the other one. That's what I did. Now, I know some of you are going to run in, well, Bill, you know, I actually bought it at this and now it's only trading at that. I think it's going to make a comeback. You know what? I hope it does. I hope it does. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore. You know, it's like, I already have enough misinformation on this fucking podcast. And every once in a while, I actually want to try to get at least an answer. God knows if he'll be right. You know, I start to read one fucking answer and it's like, it's just fades away and goes, you need a subscription. All right. I respect that. You worked. Okay. I get it. So then I go to the free fucking place. Then I guess what they have to do because they're not

going to charge. Oh, that's what it is. They don't want to charge me for a subscription. So now they're going to start filibustering. Oh, brother. Was it really worth getting that upset about? No, this is all misdirected anger. Two more days on the film. There's one last piece of music we're putting in. I thought it was all right. And now somebody has a question about the oboe or whatever the fuck is on the track. So now I have to listen to the track again to see if the oboe is lifting the joke up, pulling it down, or making people listen to the oboe and not the joke. All right. This is what my 2022 has been like. I'm going to tell you right now. All right. And I'm not going

to tell you later. I have so much fucking respect for anybody who's ever done this. I don't give a shit what the result was. Anybody who's ever done this and not just completely lost their fucking mind is incredible. I had no idea. I had no idea how lucky I was just to act in something and be out there and be to be or not to be, dude. Hey, that's my fucking question. And that's a wrap on Bill Burr and they clap me out and I just fucking leave. I go out. I get myself a fucking French dip. I'm not acting. I can put on a few, right? Sit down, mouth hanging open. Oh, you in my fucking beard. And meanwhile, what I just walked away from is going to go on for another year of people just sitting there, missing events, missing loved ones and all of this shit,

sitting there trying to figure out whether they need strings, guitars, a fucking triangle, you know, or whatever the fuck they need to make the fucking generally seem like it's flying a little, little few feet higher. Well, I would try the French horn here. All right, let's, let's audition that. Okay, we have 10 different French horn tracks to look at. So, but I will tell you this, the fucking movie is great. I know you guys think I'm dying. You know, aren't we all a little bit inside? I'm not. I'm much better. It's just I'm going to cough like a fucking maniac because I was like 9,000 feet in the air the whole fucking weekend in Boise, Idaho, beautiful, beautiful Boise, Idaho, beautiful,

beautiful Salt Lake City, beautiful, beautiful Colorado Springs, you know, in all of those places, all of those places, why I'm fucking Billy two times right now. Like if you ever just want to see a divide between the haves and the have nots, you got to go to those parts of the country. Absolutely. You either have a fucking million acres in your own goddamn vineyard with some tricked out fucking log cabin, you know, or you're like this guy we saw in this sub shop. We went in to get these sandwiches and he was the nicest fucking guy and you could just see that like life had just, you know, this guy had been through a lot of shit, you know, he's having difficulties moving his left side,

you know, and he was missing some teeth. So I was thinking, ah, man, you know, I was talking to my buddy, I was on the road with him. I was like, man, what do you think happened to that poor guy? Seems like a real nice guy. What do you think happened? You know, the back story is he, do you think he OD'd, man? Is that why, you know, one of his sides, you know, maybe passed out and got nerve damage on his fucking arm or some shit like that. But then he was also wearing a cowboy hat. So it's like, did he fucking get thrown off a bull and stomped on? And I know that sounds nuts if you don't fucking live out there, but where I, where I fucking performed at is one of the coolest venues

I've ever performed at in that they, they usually have like, like rodeos there and bull riding, shit and everything. And I saw where they put like the livestock and all of that. And it was just this old badass fucking venue that looked like it had some sort of AHL action in it possibly at some point, or maybe roller derby or God knows what, what bands play. I played some really cool places on this whole tour. And anyway, the crowd was amazing. What are my buddies that I worked with on efforts for family was up there. Peter Billingsley just happened to be in town and he came by, he has a new movie out and he's going to be on my podcast coming up soon. So I got to hang out with him for a minute. And one of my, one of the guys that taught me how to

fly a helicopter, he was in town. And I got to talk to him, you know, he was breaking my balls about my skill level and all of that shit to the point I was trying to, no, I'm actually, I'm good now. I'm okay. This poor guy one time we went, we were in a Robinson and we went to enter an auto rotation, right? And let's see here, my brain's going to be backwards because the one that I fly now, the pedals are opposite. Whatever way you're supposed to stomp down on the pedal, I stomp the other way. I stomped on the wrong one and he stopped me. And we would have, we basically would have been doing like, I don't know what, 360s. And I brought that up and he started cracking up. He still remembered it. So I had a great time up there. But I kind of noticed

that when I was up there, it was just like, you know, I don't know, these fucking drugs, man, just hit these places like so fucking hard. I don't, I don't, how do you, have you seen that fucking commercial that's on TV where they're talking about like the fentanyl and all of that type of stuff. And like, you know, they put it in the, these, all these different drugs now and people are fucking dying. I mean, Jesus Christ. I don't know, what is wrong with people? Can't you just deal drugs? Do you have to kill people? I'm talking about the pharmaceutical industry too. It's just fucking, you know, I, this is like the, I don't know. I've gone to all of these places and you know, I remember when I was in Reading, Pennsylvania, there was this beautiful woman

behind the counter. I was buying a cup of coffee and she was sweet out and she smiled and she had like those meth teeth and stuff. I could tell she was sober and all of that. It's like, yeah, you look at all of this shit. It's like, these are the people we should be trying to help out. You know, if they're worthy of helping out, I'm not saying if they're fucking dirt bags and they're still, you know, being shifty or whatever, or whatever the fucking deal is, then you don't want to throw good money after bad after that. But like, there's got to be a way to help those people out, you know? So anyway, shout out to that guy because he was a fucking sweetheart of a guy and you can just see, man, he went through a lot of shit. That guy at the sandwich place. Great

sandwich, by the way. So we did that one, couldn't fucking sleep that night and I was thinking like, God, what am I stressing about? Somebody finally told me it was the altitude. And then we played this hockey arena on, let's see, that was Salt Lake City, which I hadn't been there in forever. I had a blast with those people. I just kept talking to all of them, like they had 12 wives, which like, I know they all do. But like, I was saying like, you know, that's why they have the big Salt Lake there, because one of them gets out of line, you know, when you kill them, it's an easy place to dump the body. So, and they were cool as shit. Oh, that's right. I was riffing on that. And I said,

you guys got like a term for that, you call it getting provoked or something like that. And then the last one, I did Colorado Springs. And that's where that, you know, that fucking idiot shot up that gay club, man. It's just, I don't know. I was sort of depressed by the end of the run of going to these beautiful places and seeing, you know, tragedy, you know, but then there's also, and then it's like, what's so fucking weird is, then there's just these gorgeous snow covered mountains in the background. It's literally God's country, but I don't know. I don't ever remember seeing shit like when I first started doing the road. Now, once again, I might be an old guy romanticizing this shit, but like, you know,

I don't know. I don't know if I'm just more aware of it or what, but I feel like I'm starting to see that gap that they were talking about the shrinking of the middle class and all that, because it just seems, I don't know. All right, that's depressing. Sorry, I had to get that off my fucking chest. So anyway, you know, as much as I've been making fun of the World Cup and all that, it was funny. I actually been watching as much of it as I can. And it was funny because some guy said to me, he said to me on the internet, he goes, why are you watching this stuff? I thought you fucking hated us. I said, dude, I'm just trying to stir you cunts up. Just trying to get you going. You know what I mean? See who takes the

fucking bait? What am I supposed to do? Say like the World Cup is an amazing event. It's actually one of the few true world championships because the whole world competes. You know, is that going to make you tweet back? No, what if I say, ah, there's a bunch of pussies rolling around on the fucking grass like they got shot by a fucking gun and then they're up two seconds later running around, then all you cunts are going to drop your fish and chips and you're going to start writing me. All right, there's a method to my madness. So anyway, I got to watch a little bit I don't know the fuck I was watching. I watched, I ran versus the US and then I saw a little bit of the US get the shit kicked out of him by the Netherlands. And then I saw another one.

I don't know who was playing Morocco, Marblehead. I don't know who was playing. I saw only a little bit of that, but I watched pretty much all of France versus England. And I was watching that thing and they kept talking about how England was saying it's coming home. Like that was their thing and that really fucking bugged me. Like it's coming home. Like what if France wins it again, the trophy isn't home. Why is, why is where the fuck you guys live home? It just, you know what it did? It reminded me of when the Yankees win the World Series and all those cunts on ESPN go and everything, what do they say? And everything is right in baseball. That's what they say. And everything is right in baseball. It's why,

what, because Mr. Smithers has the fucking trophy. Look, I get Yankee fans saying that, but like the ESPN guys are supposed to kind of be impartial, right? A little bit when they, and all is right in baseball. It's right if they, what is it wrong if the rest of us win it? The fuck are you talking about? So something about that was bugging me. Then I was like, well, wait a minute. Did the game originate in England? I know everybody. Oh, Jesus, he doesn't know anything. I don't fucking know anything. Cause I asked these questions. Where did the game of soccer originate? And then I'll go on a page and be like, well, in order to figure out where it originated, we need to figure out why we placed, what was the first,

during Roman times. And by then I'm just like, just fucking answer the question. The question, jerk. So I don't know somebody from England. One of you sad cunts. After that fucking brutal loss, I'm going to tell you this right now. The penalty kick is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. First of all, the assumption that if you didn't kick that fucking dude in the leg and he went down that he was automatically going to score a goal, or maybe they do that because they're basically, it's like, if you do that shit in here, we're just going to give a goal because if we didn't, you'd be doing it all the fucking time. And then this game would be extra fucking low scoring. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know,

but I can tell you this. I'm not looking it up. In order to answer that, what is the history of grass? What, on what day did God invent it? You know, before fucking what's her face, took her shorts off or whatever they said happened. Typical broad, you know, she's in paradise and she's still looking for something better. Unbelievable. You know, that's the one story in the Bible that I believe. The rest of it sounds like horseship. But when I read the Adam and Eve, when her fucking going off and fucking eating that, it's like, yeah, you know what, that tracks, that fucking tracks. She probably had a whole bunch of fucking apple trees, but she never ate an apple off of that one. Never ate an apple off

of that one. And it just piqued her fucking curiosity. Sorry. I'm in a fucking mood here. Anyway, so I watched that goddamn game and yeah, it was weird. This is why I don't like, I guess I understand why you have to have the penalty kick, but you're basically giving the other team a goal or you're ending a person's public life. That's basically it. Either you're just going to give them a goal or the poor bastard's going to miss it. And if he misses it or bottles it, whatever the fuck they say, which I looked up the origin and that won't say, wait me through the history of fucking bottles. They said that back in the day they used to call your arse a fucking bottle. Basically meant you shit yourself. I think, I don't know, after surfing through or

scrolling past all those ads, I don't even know what the fuck it meant. So this poor guy, he already has a, I'm going to fuck it up face, right? This is why I don't believe in a god that cares. He gives him that fucking face and then this poor cunt goes up there, right? And I'm sitting there yelling at the fucking TV going like, all right, so the French have to earn their goals and you're just going to give it to them? Oh, speaking of which, there was one guy, one fucking guy, I forget what team you, I think he was wearing the white shirt, the English guy, right? English guy, fucking flops better than anybody I've ever seen in the NBA. And then when there isn't a call, the performance that he gave afterwards,

like he just couldn't fucking believe, he gave such a performance that they didn't call the assault that had happened to him, that they went to the replay to see what happened and he basically brushed against some guy and then threw himself on the fucking ground. So anyway, this fucking guy gets up there, I swear to God, if he was a woman, he'd never have a date in his life. Just the plain Jane fucking oval face. I just looked at him. I don't know. I don't know what his deal is, right? Vaguely look like Roger Daltrey. Same fucking, maybe he grew up in the same fucking near the same hedgerow or whatever Robert Plant used to sing about. Sorry, I'm off. So he fucking goes up there and I think if the goalie guesses and blocks the thing, I think you're

all right. But if you just completely missed the net, like this guy, did he fucking roofed it, right? It was like he was winding up to kick the ball and he saw some titties in the upper deck and the ball went where his fucking eyes went. I don't want to happen. He kicks it over the goddamn goal. He bottled it, right? He shit himself. Then that's basically that guy can't fucking go anywhere for how long English people, how long, you know, I mean, this country's, you do that, you go back, they're going to kill you, right? Fucking pressure, man. Yeah, it was like, and then I just, I felt so bad for the guy going like, now for the rest of his fucking life, everywhere he goes, some of the most out of shape drunk people

who can't even fucking tie their own shoes without turning beat red and doing a fucking somersault, right? I'm now going to judge him and his athletic ability and his ability in a pressure moment, like all these fat, fish and chip eating cunts deliver in the moment. You know, when you look into a crowd at any athletic event, or possibly if you look at a bunch of podcast hosts, if you really look into our eyes, most of us don't deliver, nobody delivers. And like, that level, the whole fucking world is watching. I don't know, man. So as much as I made fun of him, I felt bad for that guy. So I will say this, before you yell at that guy, just think of all the times you've fucking blown it in life. I guess because he's blowing it for everybody else.

You know what it is? Is he has everybody's crushed dreams, crushed hopes and dreams on his foot, right? Then if he misses, it's an outlet for everybody else who didn't go for it in life, who's going through a tough time. Jesus, this is a dark one. I'm sorry. Anyway, but the French are going to be looking to repeat. I'm going to watch it from here on out. Oh, gee, thanks, Bill. Thanks for joining the rest of the world. We're so honored to have you. Two more days in the film, three more dates, and then I'll have all the time in the world to watch the World Cup, and it's going to be fucking over. Football season's basically going to be over, at least the playoffs are coming around. A bunch of crazy games today, as far as what I saw after

I landed. Jesus Christ, San Francisco was kicking the shit out of Tampa Bay, so fucking bad, they shut the game off in my area. My son had come down. When I came home, he was still taking his nap, and he came down. He was doing his thing where he just whines, died his truck, died his truck. He used to be saying, no, I'm watching the game. I went like, you want to ride my truck? He was like, yeah, and I go, all right, let's go. And he goes, yeah, he like, fucking freaks out. I mean, it's all an act. All the whining is just, he just knows that I'm a softy, you know? Apple, apple, and I just, I can't, I'm like, all right, all right, buddy, I'll fucking, you want me to slice it up? Yeah, it gets all excited. So the game was still on, it was halftime,

they were up like fucking 28 to nothing. Unfortunately, one of their, their star running backs or something like that hurt his knee. I hope that guy was all right. I was brutal to watch. So I took him for a ride in my truck, and we had like the best time. And, you know, I came back, put the truck away, and, you know, the garage is basically mine. I'm a typical guy. So my drum kits out there too. So he gets out of the truck. He's like, dad, dad, boom, boom, bap, boom, boom, bap. I go, you want to play the drums? He's like, yeah, so we played the drums for a while. You know, so I was probably gone for like a half hour maybe, total. And I came back, and the game was off. And I was like, oh, shit. It was kind of bugging me. I was like, how many

times does Tom Brady have to make a fucking amazing comeback that you'd actually shut this game off of my market? So they ended up turning on the Seahawks Panthers. I had money on that game. I don't know when it ended up happening, but who the fuck saw the Panthers without Baker Mayfield going into the most artificially loud venue in American sports? You know, they don't need to pump in crowd noise. They figured out a way around it. They built a fucking opera house the same way they built them before the amplification of sound. And these fucking guys were going in there. They were in the lead. I don't know what the hell happened, but just those weird games. I was like, well, you know what? I probably didn't do that well this week against Bet MGM. So anyway,

I ended up bringing my son inside and his mom had his dinner ready. So I set him down and I had to bring my luggage back out to the garage, you know, old house, not a lot of closet space, so I fucking put it in the garage, right? And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna sit down, play some drums. You know, I've been working on some stuff. I was sort of like thinking about shit that I wanted to play. And I went down and sat at the kit and played for 40 minutes. And I absolutely fucking sucked. Oh my God, did I suck? You know, I was excited to play so I didn't stretch enough and I'm fucking old. You know, the garage was cold. My limbs were cold and all of that. And I sat down and tried to do shit full speed. It's just shit that I've learned a million times.

Don't do it. Don't try to do this. And I kind of smartened up in the end. I was like, why don't we just slow down here, Bill? Maybe try to advance one thing of the 40 things you just tried to learn how to do in 40 minutes, you know? So anyway, I guess I'm starting to understand soccer more and I will always call it soccer because I know it drives people fucking nuts. We call it soccer because we already have football, all right? And believe it or not, the kicking game is a big part of the game. We actually picked up the ball. That's where it changed, you know, as we picked up the ball. And then also if you roll around on the ground and act like you're in pain, you're called a woman. Or at least you used to be called. I used to be like a fucking insult. You're a fucking woman.

Can you imagine saying that now? At least out here. What does that mean? It probably was some an acronym for it. Wonderful. Obstinate. Mommy. Oh, shut up. I get it. I get it. You're fucking living your best life. Did you live it away from me? I think if you wanted to live your best life, you wouldn't be around me because I'm going to fucking probably say more annoying shit. Oh, really, Bill? Are you the dangerous guy? Hey, maybe I am. Maybe I'm the guy saying the things that people, whatever the fuck that expression is. Anyway, so next weekend, the final three on the slight return tour. And for those of you who don't listen to the podcast regularly, I called it the slight return tour, obviously a nod to Jimi Hendrix, but it was also

the amount of times during COVID that they let us out and then told us to go back inside. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do the whole tour and it ended up happening. So now I'm kind of looking back at all these fucking amazing places I got to play. I really want to thank everybody for showing up. It's been a fucking ridiculous, ridiculous turnout and I enjoyed as much of it as I could as I was blazing through all of it, trying to make sure I got my act where it needed to be. And I got three more dates in three amazingly fun cities. I have New Orleans. Everybody knows that place is fun. Austin, everybody knows that place is fun and is a fun fucking place. A lot of people don't know about San Antonio. I always have a good time out there. That place is a good

fucking time and it's got a great airport that is not busy. I love ending, like I just ended my tour in Colorado Springs. Who the fuck flies out of Colorado Springs? Nobody. And you show up and it's wonderful. You walk in there and it's like the world population is what it should be. You go to the big boys, that fucking one up in Denver. That's so fucking big. They try to make it look like the Rocky Mountains with that goddamn tent city they put on top of it. I will give the Denver International Airport, I will give them a little tip of the cap. I don't know who fucking complained, but finally got it to stop. But they finally stopped that fucking recording that I remember getting like two hours sleep back when I used to drink like a fucking

idiot. And like my move was, I'm just going to stay out and drink and then I'll sleep on the flight and then I'll be laying there. Like literally laying on the airport carpet, waiting for them to call whatever group I was in. And I always got there super early because I was always nervous about missing a fucking plane. I only missed one in my career. And I remember just laying there in every fucking two seconds. This recording would go, caution, moving sidewalk is nearing its end. Please watch your step. Thank you. Caution, moving sidewalk is nearing its end. Please watch your step. Thank you. There was like a sensor. And anytime someone was on the moving sidewalk to cover themselves, I guess legally, there would be that fucking recording

would happen. And I mean, it's a fucking airport. It's an international airport. There was an endless stream of people with neck pillows, pillows. I always say pillows, pillows coming down the fucking thing. I thought I shut this goddamn heat off. Just an endless fucking sea of these goddamn people coming. I would be just be laying there hung over caution, moving sidewalk is nearing its end. Please watch your step. Thank you. I connected there a few weeks ago. They got rid of that a long time ago. All right, you want to hear some of my favorite airports? My favorite airports, my favorite Martian. All right. I'll just do, I'll just say this.

All right, when you go to, when you go to Washington, DC, you're flying to Reagan. You don't go to, you go to fucking Dallas. You're flying to Love Field. You go into fucking Chicago. You're flying to whatever that fucking other one is. The hell is it called? Olathe? What the fuck is that one? No, ORD. That's Chicago. Midway. That's the deal. You're flying to LA. You go to Long Beach or fucking Ontario. That's what you do. You go to the smaller ones. And yeah, you got to drive a little bit further, but it is just such a more pleasurable fucking experience than going to the gang bang fucking airport with every fucking person that's going to SeaWorld on their way to Hawaii,

to Bet and Monks fucking coming through. You know, they're usually good because they can just kick their slippers off. All right, let's do a little read here on the little read. You're going to do a little read, Bill. You're going to do a little cute little fucking read on your podcast there, your big freckled so and so. Yes, I am. If I can find it. Oh, look at this. This is really interesting. All right, fight camp everybody. Hey, let's be honest. We could all use a little more motivation when it comes to working out. Allow me to introduce to you a fight camp. Fight camp is interactive at home boxing. They bring the best workout in the world into your home and make it fun. Explore thousands of workouts led by expert trainers with

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sideways with her politics, which I would say that that meant she wasn't a bleeding heart liberal. So then all these open minded liberals chose to fucking ignore her, which is ridiculous after all the great work that she did. Amazing, amazing actress. Stunning. Absolutely stunning. She was a bad ass on chairs, this person says, and always a class act. She turned down roles she would have been drastically underpaid for. Wait, she turned down roles she would have been drastically underpaid for. Oh, she didn't take shit. Good for her. And didn't ask for a medal in return. I don't care about her politics either. Neither do I.

I don't care about anybody's politics. I really don't. I don't give a shit. You know what I mean? I might not like somebody who's a potential leader. I'll do that, but I'm not going to fucking waste my time. You know, you're into politics. Great. You care. You care about the country. That's fantastic. I don't have to agree with what you're thinking. And Christy Alley was not her politics. She was a fucking amazing, amazing. I mean, she stepped in on chairs. Like, do you know something? The casting on that show was unbelievable because it was such a huge hit. Coach died and then Woody Harrelson had to step in and they picked a guy who absolutely crushed it, continued to crush it. Kelsey Grammer stepped in. He crushed it and Christy Alley.

All right. That's the level she was at. I always loved her. Had a huge crush on her when she was in, when she was on, when she was on Cheers, when I first saw her, you know, that fucking amazing voice. What happened? You know, all those women back then, so many of them had. To me, Moore had that voice. Christy Alley had that voice. That chick from Romancing the Stone. The hell was her name? I don't know. Kelly McGillis. Ike Turner. Anyway, yeah, rest in peace, Christy Alley. And it'd be nice if liberals would fucking lay off people just because they're fucking conservatives. You know, fucking relax. Fucking cunts. All right. You know, I'm a liberal. I love when people do that. I, you know, people like they, they act like they're the other parties so they can leave a comment

on YouTube. I think Donald Trump is the worst president ever. And I'm a conservative. Are you? All right. Bill Maher and Sheet Brains. All right. This is, this is casting a wide net here. Hey, Bill Burr. I've been a casual fan of Bill Maher for a while. I love casual fan. You check in every once in a while dressed in a Hawaiian shirt. I really enjoyed your interview with him. That's one of the most fun interviews I ever had, man. I had no idea what to expect when he sat down. And I was like, oh my God, I don't know shit about what the fuck's going on in the world. What are we going to talk about? And I had an absolute fucking blast with that guy. So I'm glad you enjoyed it. And it prompted me to subscribe to his podcast as well. Look at that.

Look at me driving subscriptions. See, I made that about myself. I've been seeing a lot of people trashing him for commenting on insane things that are occurring on what's normally considered his side. Yeah, it's called being a fucking adult. That's why I love that guy because if liberals are doing something stupid, even if he's, he is a liberal, right? As far as I know, he'll give him shit for it. That fucking whole ideology that you're a conservative so you can't trash anything that conservatives are doing, that's like, you know, I don't know, that'd be like, I always said, like if I start trashing my home sports team, that doesn't mean I hate the team. It means I don't like the direction

the coach is taking in it. Oh, Jesus. Anyway, this person said, I'd like to say fuck off to all the one-sided pussies who have drawn lines in the sand with people who are meant to entertain or happen to give an alternate opinion. These people are exhausting. You know why they're exhausting? Because there's so many of them. They just keep coming like those people back in the day on that moving sidewalk that's nearing its end. Please watch your step. Thank you. That will never leave my brain. That's right up there with that Connect 4, the new something-something game from something-something. But watch out. Your opponent can sneak up on you and win the game. I won, where? I can't see.

Here, diagonally. Pretty sneaky, sis. Anybody over 40 knows what the fuck I'm talking about. Everybody else think I just had a stroke. That was the Connect 4 commercial from like fucking 1980. I don't know why I never forgot that. Anyway, they're constantly evaluating who's on their stupid team in life. And get this, when I don't acclimate according like they do, I'm told I'm the sucker. Yeah. Well, I mean, a lot of that has to do with the fact that we can all talk to each other now and we're on the internet and then all rules of like decency, you know, went away. And what's awful is I feel like the internet actually influences real human interaction as opposed to cyber interaction. Like it's winning, which is bad. That reminds me back in the day

when VHS won over beta and evidently beta was the better system or the gas combustion engine won over the electric engine. People still laugh at electric cars like they're weak and they're for like pussies. And meanwhile you can be in a fucking Tesla filled with kids and groceries in an SUV style and you can beat a Corvette off the line. Like it's just far superior if you're into speed. I mean, I know they don't sound as cool. I mean, I kind of, I love them both. You know what I mean? Although I'm not liking the new exhaust systems on the fucking Mustangs, the Corvettes. I saw a charger today. I don't know what that sound is supposed to be, but it's like, why don't you give these people the engine they deserve in that fucking car?

But you like those people who put like the high performance, I've talked about this before that, you know, loud, you know, slow car, loud exhaust phenomenon. Yeah, that's like the fucking boob job for a goddamn car. Botox or some shit. It's like everybody knows your car is safe. We've heard it for the last 10 miles and we're keeping up with you. All right, Operation Condor. All right. Hey, Billy Cheese Tricks. Billy Cheese Tricks. What the fuck does that mean? Oh, you know what that reminds me of? I actually, after the show last night, we ordered from this authentic German restaurant out in Colorado Springs. And I had been eating like an asshole. So I just ordered a pretzel. And the dipping sauces were this, was this spicy

mustard that was sweet. And then it was just cheese. It's nice to get in touch with my roots every once in a while. You know, I think there's a lot of Germans out there because a long time ago, I think I was in Colorado and I stayed at like a bed and breakfast. I was so, I was thinking that, you know, I've done out of all the states that I did college gigs in, I would say Wisconsin, Illinois and Colorado were the ones that I went to the most. And I remember Colorado for some reason, because I always had these crazy experiences. That's why I remember the caution moving sidewalk thing in my head because I was always going there. Like I went there, I went to a game at Mile High Stadium,

like the last year before they got rid of that. And I want to say I went the airport either had just opened. I went to a fucking Nuggets game at McNichols Arena, like Colorado, like Denver was so fucking different. Like Denver was Denver was like, I know they'd already dealt with people in the 80s starting to move out there, but like, it was a lot fucking smaller. I remember sneaking into the comedy works being like, hey, I'm a comedian. They're like, all right, we usually don't do this. And Adam Ferrara was headlining. I remember sitting there going, oh my God, someday. Can you imagine, you know, working at this club. It was like that period in my

career, old fucking Billy dream boat, you know, and I remember driving all the way out to Grand Junction in a fucking snowstorm going through the Rocky Mountains on the 70 through that fucking tunnel. I remember getting off, I remember going up to Greeley a whole bunch of times when they had a slaughterhouse and they had like bad smell days and they, you call them up being like, listen, it smells too much like death and they'd have to fucking lay off killing the cows and shit and the steers. So anyway, one time, oh, I remember another time I fucking got in my car and I was late and I was driving like a, you know, no, I wasn't late. I was just tired. I got in the car and I drove an hour

and a half in the wrong direction. So it's going to take me three hours rung round trip to get back where I fucking started. I did that twice in my career, once by myself in Colorado and once with Joe de Rosa when I first met him in fucking New York, we drove an hour and a half in the wrong direction away from New York City. We turned a two hour drive into a five and a half hour drive. So anyway, I remember driving back when I realized I went in the wrong direction, racing back and I was in the middle of fucking nowhere and I came up over this hill and this guy was like in a Bronco that had a blue light on the fucking dashboard or something and he almost drove me off the road going the other way and he did like a fishtail turn around pulled me over

and he walked up to my car and he was fucking young and livid and I remember I was so in the sticks all he had was the cop shirt and it was tucked into like Wrangler jeans and he had like boots on. I was like, Jesus Christ, this guy's going to fucking, this is, I'm going to get, this is going to be like Fargo. I'm going to get fucking whacked right here. Still made the gig though. But anyway, getting back to the German restaurant, I stayed at a fucking Airbnb with this guy, first generation from Germany. I swear to God, he looked like the tank driver in Kelly's Heroes, the German guy in the end. I remember it was fucking creepy because there wasn't a lock on the bedroom door. I was just basically staying in his house and at night

I was laying in bed and he was walking up and down the hallway a couple of times. How old people do that shit? They're always fucking up at night, you know? Just watching a shadow going underneath the fucking door. I was like, Jesus Christ. And then of course I was in like this fucking really high bed with like the canopy over the top of it. They looked like fucking, you know, Martha Washington got banged in it. And the next morning, you know, he was like, well, it's your breakfast is ready. Yeah. Right. He didn't talk like that. I can't do the German accent. And I came downstairs and it was like this authentic German breakfast. And all I remember was everything was like

these weird sides, but it was delicious. But the egg, he had a hard boiled egg and it was like almost, you know, it sits on top of that little trophy, you know, and then you're supposed to take the spoon and just sort of whack it and then start, start peeling it. I just, I felt like I was in that scene in the end of the second Hannibal Lecter, you know, when he starts stir-frying raliot, his fucking brains. I don't know why I just thought of that. Oh yeah. No, we went to the fucking German restaurant. So I heard there's that pretzel. That's right. That's right. Anyway, let's get, let's do some more reads here. All right. Operation Condor. Hey, Billy, cheese tricks. In some of your podcast, you've voiced some

concerns in traveling to a Latin American country because of the fear of knowing that American governments have done some fucked up shit here. parentheses, not like the same countries have done some fucked up shit to themselves. You know, but it creates like a fucking desperate situation. And then I show up all pasty. That happened to me when I was in fucking Costa Rica. I went down there a long time ago. I was getting all these, and I was thinking like, all right, we haven't done anything down here, right? I was getting all these dirty looks. And then I realized I ended up looking up, go, what the fuck did we do down here? And like Dolan Chiquita banana somehow cut a deal with

their government. They took over all of these farmers lands, made the farmers stay there, and fucking farm the bananas for these big corporations and they didn't pay them shit. And then I fucking show up like, Hey, how's it going? My dumb bro, sure. My hipster hat on. Yeah, you're going to get some looks. Anyway, this person says, I just wanted to give some history pointers for your benefit without the anti American tone that some of my Latin American people have rather than educate normal citizens from the US of what happened. All right, let's hear it. Let's hear this guy's version. All right, the main reason why Latin American countries have some resentment over folks from the United States is because of Operation Condor. And he has a link

here. It's basically was the plan and involvement of past American governments in taking down democratically elected officials and installing dictatorships between the 70s and 90s for economic military and political interests. Oh, if you want her out, you want a great book, Confessions of an Economic Hitman, read that. And that was that thing, you know, okay, to let you know our side of it because they didn't let us know what we what they were doing down there. When we were growing up, we were like, why does this country hate us? We gave them billions of dollars in aid. And what our government didn't tell us was that you guys had to pay it back. Like they would be like, Hey, we're going to build you a dam. And then you're going to have

electricity and oh boy, you're going to be and you're going to make all this fucking money. And we knew that you wouldn't because you didn't have the infrastructure yet. And then what happened was you owed money on the dam and you couldn't take you couldn't pay it. And then we came in and said, all right, you either got to give us the dam or you got to let us put a put a base down here so we can protect you and blah, blah, blah, something like that. It was a real fucking boss hog fucking deal. Anyway, many innocent people died. And the wounds have never been really dealt with or publicly recognized by the US. Yeah, the CIA and shit's fucking horrible. It's fucking horrible.

Here in Puerto Rico, we have many polarized, polarized views over the actual colonial status with the US. Maybe you would like to check on that too at some point, but our story is different from South America. All right. Well, I would love to go down there. I just don't want to fucking pay the price for the fucking bankers and whatever they did to you guys. But many of US, many of us recognize that citizens of the US are not really to blame for these actions. And I've met many American tourists here that have no problem whatsoever in their time spent. So don't fear my dear Billy Bats on Billy Bats. Oh boy. On coming to the tropics or some other Latin American spot with your lovely family, enjoy our great cultures, food and weather. Just bring sun

black, sun block, sun black. Was that a fucking Freudian slip? Just bring sunblock my freckled friend. Make Puerto Rico a first stop. I fucking go to Puerto Rico in a second. I would do that in a second if I can sell some tickets. Last thing, I enjoy the movie, the departed a lot. I know you're a good fellow fan too. As a dude from Massachusetts slash Boston, does it portray an attitude of the folks up there? Or is it overly acted? And this says, I guess this is thank you and go fuck yourself. Gracias, Yvette, Carajo. As a dude from Massachusetts, does it portray the attitude of the folks? I would Mark Wahlberg and Alec Baldwin definitely had that wound up. Obviously, Matt Damon,

he was like from there and everything. And I thought Leonardo did a great job too. I mean, that was a really fucking, you know, Martin Sheen. That's got some of my favorite actors of all time in it. But I would say as far as like wound up fucking lunatics, I would say the way Wahlberg did his character and the way Alec Baldwin did his, as far as guys that I ran into. So you would have to understand me is I'm suburban bill. I didn't fucking grow up in that Goodwill hunting shit, the door chest of shit, all of that stuff, the fighter, all of those movies, that was all fucking those were all fucking lunatics. I was out in the safe suburbs playing street hockey, you know, fucking cul-de-sac. There was enough lunatics in my town. All right. It was just,

yeah, it was definitely, yeah, but I mean, I don't know that, you know, I'll be honest with you. That I mean, that was basically talking about, you know, Whitey Bulger's alleged relationship with the FBI, I believe. So I wasn't in that fucking world. And I'm going to follow the rules. I don't know if they still exist, but like, I'm not going to comment on it. I mean, you know, when they used to do movies about that shit, like, you know, when they were actually doing the thing about Whitey Bulger and Billy Bulger, the Brotherhood, they set it down in fucking Providence, Rhode Island, so they wouldn't have a fucking problem. And I know that there's a Scorsese movie where he goes our friends in Kansas City. He was actually talking about the

Chicago mob from what I heard. He didn't want a problem with them. And that fucking narcos show, they were down in Mexico, scouting locations, and the guy scouting location got fucking whacked. I mean, that's like, I don't know. Yeah, that's all, you know, like I said, I was old Billy Street Hockey, you know, I had a fucking paper route, you know, you know, I'm not in that world. Don't pretend to be either. All right, cold-blooded snake. Oh shit. He's a cold-blooded snake looking to his eye. He's got something, something. All right, cold-blooded snake. Dude. I don't know if you've seen this story or not, but here it goes. This woman owns a Python. Oh, Jesus, what could go wrong? She just lets it roam around her house like it pays rent or something.

Well, I hope she kept it well fed. Not only that, she sleeps with the thing. She lays in the fetal position and it circles her like cradles her while they sleep. No. Reptiles do not spoon. That thing is like keeping itself warm until it's hungry. One night she wakes up in the middle of the night and notices the snake is gone. Being so tired, she strips, she drifts back and I said strips. What's going on with me? She drifts back off to sleep. The next couple of days, she notices that the snake is not eating. That's because it's full. Being a concerned pet owner, she takes it to the vet. The vet X-rays it and is stunned that there's nothing in its stomach.

Oh, okay. Look at me trying to be the crocodile hunter there. I thought I knew what I was doing. He sits down with the owner and tries to gauge their home life. She lets the vet know that he just slithers around like it's normal. He asks how it sleeps. She says they sleep together and describes their sleeping habits. She calls it her guardian because she feels safe, so safe when it cradles her. Is this going to go in a sexual direction? I don't want to read this. The vet is horrified and realizes what's happening. He then proceeds to tell her that the snake, the snake's stomach is completely empty because it's making room for a big meal, i.e. the owner. Holy shit. Yeah, that's a fucking reptile. Dude, she's alarmed at this point,

rightfully so. If she had gone one more night without going to the vet, she'd probably be eaten. Laughing my ass off. It's not funny, but it's just like, damn, bro. Yeah. Wow. Well, I mean, she was acting like a sacrificial lamb. Dude, people are fucking, I'm telling you, human beings, dude. They're fucking egos. They're fucking egos and you know, and I read this fucking article, was talking about why dumb people think they're smart and smart people think they're dumb. It was really fascinating and then I got boring. Like, this is a guy, like, she doesn't know shit about snakes, so she thinks she knows everything about snakes, right? She thinks she knows all there is to

fucking know, so she lets this thing fucking sleep with her. The veterinarian knows way more about snakes, but I bet if you asked him, what do you think, dude, I don't know what the fuck that thing's going to do. It's a wild animal. What I have learned through all my years of learning shit about animals is you don't know what the fuck a wild animal's going to do. So he wouldn't, you know, this, if a veterinarian wouldn't let the thing wander around the fucking house, anyway, then you know what happens? She keeps it. Oh my god. And just make sure she keeps it in its tank at night from now on. Guess what a race is, Billy. Oh, I was going to say this earlier. A goddamn animal cracker.

Oh my god. That's such a great joke that works on two levels. Animal cracker, animal cracker. All right. He's into animals. All right. You guys are nuts. Anyways, I'm glad you started feeling better. Cannot wait for old dads to come out. Great. Don't get a reptile as a pet. Go love yourself. YouTube video below if you want to know the details of this situation. What the fuck? I would send this to Joe Rogan. There's no, but there's no way he doesn't know about this. He always knows all the fucking crazy animal shit. Dude, what the fuck? Oh my god. That thing was basically like, all right, if you're going to make it this easy, that thing stopped fucking eating because it was going to fucking eat her. It's horrific as that is. The fact that she lets it, can you

imagine what I was thinking the first night? Going like, oh my god, this is the fucking easiest meal ever. Fuck. Why did I eat that goat? God damn it. Oh well. What are you going to do? It happens, you know? And then she does it again the next night. And then the thing was like, oh shit. This is going to be an every night fucking thing. I'm just going to stop eating. I'll eat this. Oh my god. It would fucking, it would eat her and then puke up her clothes. Can you fucking imagine it? How fucking stupid are people? I don't know. It's someone who can't stand snakes. I respect them. I stay away from them. I'm not into fucking reptiles. From snakes all the way up to the Komodo dragon, you know, back to the Gila monster and

over to the salamanders, whatever the fuck they are. I don't fuck with reptiles. They're fascinating, you know? I like looking at them on TV or at the zoo or some shit. Does Peter get mad about reptiles or is it just mammals? We'll discuss that on another podcast. All right. That's the podcast everybody. Thursday, this week I have a fucking amazing guest, one of my favorite comedians and people in this business on Thursday. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you with that person on Thursday. I'll see you. I look forward to the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be. That's it from Albert Heijn.