Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-13-21

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Bill rambles about cities, rounding up change, and paying for love.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 13th, 2021. What's going on, Awaya? How you doing? What's going on with you? Do you feel like you're in a rut? You're just doing the same fucking shit day in and day out, year after year. Do you got the holiday blues? I do. My dumb ass this year was like, you know what I'm gonna fucking do? I'm gonna get all this holiday shit out of the way. Gonna get all the gifts done, everything wrapped, everything bang bang boom, go fuck yourself. It was good for stress, but then you just kind of left with your, he kind of left to be with your own thoughts. I'm like, ah, Jesus, I just start doing math. How fucking old I am? It's not good. It's not good. And then that's what I know. The old me, the old me. Not saying I'm not old. The old me, right?

Who's my buddy was joking the other day is actually the younger you. Would it just let those thoughts wash over me and I would just go down to the bottom of the lagoon and just lay there for a few weeks. And instead I just go, you know what I mean? I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna go play some drums. Yeah. You know what happens when you get all your Christmas shopping done too soon? You start thinking shit like, what happens when you die? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Sorry. I'm fighting it, I'm fighting it, man. I'm fighting it off. Congratulations, by the way. By the way, congratulations to Max Verstappen, who won the Formula One championship. The first non-English, non-German driver since Kimi Raconin. Is that how you say his name?

He's only a legend who retired today in 2007. Fucking crazy race. I'm really beginning to believe that Formula One, it's like the NFL, you know, when there's a fumble after a catch. And it's like, did he or did he not make a football move? And to this day, I still don't know what the fuck a football. Did he tuck it in? Did he start to make the same silhouette as the Heisman Trophy? That is a football move. The knee's coming up, but if you see, the arm is still down. Now, his wrist needs to be above his waist, and his knee has to be above his hip flexor to constitute like, what in the fuck is a football move? And I'm starting to feel like Formula One is, I don't understand the fucking rules. You know, I was losing my shit in the beginning of the race, like turn six on the very first lap.

Lewis Hamilton had a great start, and Max went aggressively into this turn, and Lewis really had no choice other than to just go off the track, which I didn't have a problem with. And then he just sort of got back on the track. Max was going to pass him, and then Lewis went off the track and diagonally got back on the track and then was in first place again. But he had a way bigger lead than he had before, and allegedly slowed down a little bit and made up for whatever advantage he had of going off the track. And I was just like, I don't think he did. And then he just sort of had this gigantic lead throughout, you know, double digit lead. Like 10, 11, 12, 13 seconds. And I got to hand it to Red Bull. Red Bull did every fucking thing they possibly could in case something crazy happened so that they would be in a position to take advantage of it. I think they did three pit stops or something. They pit it early, and I think they went to a hard tire to try, you know, drive crazy and catch up with them.

And I want to say they put it again. I don't remember. My kids were running around and all that shit. But then anyway, it just looks like all of a sudden there's eight laps left. Lewis has this lead. Their car is great. Lewis is driving amazing as always. He's out there in that clean air, and he's lapping people. And all of a sudden, the back of the race, there was an accident which brought out the, whatever, the pace car or something. So they're driving around behind it, and it's basically Lewis Hamilton, four cars that have been lapped, and then Max Verstappen. So there was, by the end, there was like two laps left. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the stewards decided that the lapped cars could go in front of Lewis Hamilton, making Max Verstappen then right behind Lewis.

He didn't have to fight through all of that traffic, which was great for the fans. But during that, that caution, Max Verstappen went in and got on a soft tire. And I was wondering why Lewis Hamilton didn't. Maybe he was in first and was like, well, I can't pit because if I pit, he's just going to go. And then he'll be in first place. Let's stay out here. I don't know what happened. But Red Bull team brought him in, stuck him on the soft tire, which is way more sticky than the medium or the hard, I guess. And yeah, and then they let the lap traffic go ahead for the restart. And Max just had way better grip than Lewis and took a couple turns. He went past them. And once he went past them, it was like one or two times that maybe he thought Lewis was going to get him.

And then that was it. And Max Verstappen ended up winning it. And I got to say Lewis Hamilton was a total class act as was his dad went over and shook hands with Max and his dad. But as much as I was rooting for Max Verstappen and Lewis Hamilton drives me nuts where I feel like he's a fucking all like an all star NBA player where they're never going to get called for an offensive file. I don't know about that. I don't understand why did they I still don't understand why they let those cars go. It was just a weird fucking way. If it was brilliant racing by strategy by Red Bull to just keep trying to, you know, give themselves the best odds. They just kept doing that. But that was a really weird. It was weird. I'm not fucking weird.

So it was an amazing year. I missed most of it. I was so fucking busy. But congratulations to Formula One on an incredible season that literally came down to the last lap. I was convinced, you know, in the end I go that Lewis Hamilton and Mercedes are going to bitch and they're going to reverse this thing. I was convinced that that was going to happen. It has not happened yet. So I don't know what did David Stern start take over F1 where he's decided that they needed a Celtics Lakers thing to get it fucking going again. So they got I have no idea a rivalry or some shit. I have no idea. Anyway, but it was an amazing race. That's what I watched today and I'll tell you something else underrated.

You know, when your team has a bye week, just not watching any football. Patriots were off this week and I didn't watch one fucking second of NFL football and I actually went out and I really enjoyed my day. I went out and I did a, this guy was doing a documentary on a comedian and asked me to be in it and they were shooting out in Malibu. It was like, it was like, to be honest with you, it was a perfect day to fly. And I was kind of hoping I was going to get a chance to do that afterwards. I brought all of my shit with me, but this thing went longer than I anticipated, but it was just an amazing, an amazing, I don't know, just like gig to do. Like usually a documentary, you sit down, you bullshit or whatever. But the way that they did this thing was really unique.

I'm not going to say what they did, but it was, you know, showing me comedy clips that I had seen before and now just being older, looking at them and seeing the in between of the jokes was pretty fucking cool. So I'll let you know when that thing comes out. But, you know, I did miss a couple of kid birthday parties today, which sucked. My wife took my daughter around to them and I missed one yesterday because I was down in San Diego. So, you know, today I made sure like tonight, you know, the big good thing is no matter how much, how busy I get, always from five to seven every night is my time with my kids. We run around the living room and all that type of stuff. We have a good time and my daughter's getting good about letting me watch. Hey, can we watch some daddy TV now?

She usually is just like, oh, you know, wanted to watch some fucking, what the fuck does she watch? Those fucking dogs with the watches. What the fuck are they? Paw Patrol. She's all about that shit. She usually wants to watch that, right? So tonight she actually let me put on. So I thought I was going to put on a little bit of that Packers Bears game and then 60 minutes was on.

Well, let's see what they're talking about. They did this whole fucking thing on this island off of Newfoundland in Canada. And this woman that built this fucking hotel out there that brought tourism to this dying island. But then it's sort of a love hate that they have with it and stuff. But she told this heartbreaking story about how her dad was a fisherman and could make a living and feed the family and all that. And one day the commercial fucking corporate boats came in and they just took all the fish. And he came home after fishing the whole day and had one fish and just threw it on the floor and said it's fucking over. And the next day burned his boat and told his daughter to learn about money.

You better learn this money game because this is what this is about. And it was just like, wow, you know, it was sort of the beginning of the big like what what cities and everything are now. It's like they just fucking take everything over. It's really fucking horrible. Then I was also looking at it going, well, wait a minute, those fishermen, you know, they got fucked over. There was originals. I believe that that's what they call their people up there. They were probably their first, you know, at some point they threw a fucking fish on the ground said it's fucking over.

White people are coming. I don't know the whole fucking thing. It's just, I don't know, you know, there's somebody, you know, maybe this is why I'm in like this funk is one of you guys sent me this video that I watched called Rules for Rulers. It's 20 minutes and it explains how power works within a democracy versus a dictatorship and everything. And it's all kind of, you know, the same thing where where all of us who aren't in power are basically peasants where you get to be, you know, you know, democracies the smartest because they treat their peasants the best. And then there's also a chance for a peasant to become rich. You know, and then that's what everybody chases. That's like the lottery.

They go and they see somebody like, you know, he was standing right where I was standing. He put his head down. He went to work. It's still a great thing about the capitalistic system. But like, I don't know, everybody that I know, I know a number of people that are in that corporate world, like just what that fucking does to you, you know, having people work through the goddamn holidays and you don't want to do it. You want to tell your boss to go fuck himself. But you know, if you do, there's someone waiting in the wings that doesn't give a fuck, you know. And then it's funny.

And then the boss goes, all right, well, you know, you want to be home with your family. Fuck you. You're fired. Then he promotes that animal that doesn't give a shit that it's the holidays. And in the back of his head, he's got to think this guy's like such an animal one day, maybe he's going to come for my throat. You know, it's fucking exhausting. It really is. So, yeah, so check that out.

Watch Rules for Rulers, really a fascinating thing. And then I watched this great, I watched this great French movie called Close Enemies on Netflix. I don't know, maybe want to get back into trying to learn, you know, get a little further with my French this time. I was surprised by how many words I still remembered, but there was a bunch that I forgot. But just a great movie and it starts off like, you know, I'm going to take it out of this genre so I don't ruin it. All right, it would be like, like a trope, what they call it, right? Like take like a cop, you know, he plays by his own rules. And you know, there's going to be the scene where he fucks up early in the beginning, you know, in his superior, makes him turn in his gun and his badge, you know.

But then he, you know, now he's suspended, but he still works on the case. And in the end, he proves himself right. Maybe there's a corrupt politician. That's literally, I think, one of the dirty Harry's. That's just that style has been done so many times. They basically take a story like that, a relationship like that, that has been done a zillion times. And they just throw a big left fucking turn in it. And you're like, oh my God, now what's going to happen?

Like I'd say the first time I remember seeing that was maybe to live in Diane L.A. had something like that. And then there was a movie called Sexy Beast, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. And what I love about that movie is there's so many gangster movies that the whole plot is just like, okay, these two old gangsters. And they're going to do one more job. They just need to do one more job and then they're going to retire, you know, and of course a bunch of bullshit happens. Well, that movie starts with the gangsters retired. They already did the one more job and they're living in paradise and what could go wrong, you know. And then it goes from there.

You got to see that fucking movie. One of my favorites of all time. And with that, I want to thank everybody that came out down at Harris just northeast of San Diego. I went down there with Todd Rex. What do you say to handsome? And Bianca Cristavau. We all went down there. We had a great fucking time and both crowds were awesome.

And it was great to be back, you know, out there on the road, you know, I got my fucking booster shot. Didn't get sick or nothing. I never got sick on any of the fucking things. I feel pretty good on all of that shit. So, you know, I'm fucking doing what they're telling me to do. We'll see what the fuck happens. Who knows? Who knows?

Hey, by the way, what's the college playoff now? Who's Michigan going to play? They're playing Cincinnati. College football playoff? College football playoff. Why is my internet so goddamn slow? Oh, I know why. Because I'm on the wrong one.

You are not connected. You are not connected to the internet. College football playoff, all right? What's the schedule date? News about Georgia, Michigan, Alabama? Well, it's not Cincinnati. Who the fuck is the ulcers in it? Let's see here.

Look at all of this goddamn information. I mean, look at it. For God's sakes, look at it. Who the fuck is in it this year? All right. In this oil stadium, Indianapolis, Indiana, 2022. This is where the national championship location is going to be in Los Angeles in 2023. Holy shit, I got to go.

I got to go to that. The college football Super Bowl. And then in 2024, it's going to be in, in, in, in NRG Stadium in Houston, Texas. Well, I'm trying to figure out who the fuck's playing this year. It's going to be difficult. All right. Number one's Alabama. So they're going to play number four Cincinnati and then hail to the victors.

Number two, Michigan plays Georgia. That's going to be a tough game. What do you guys think? Do you think the Big 10's overrated again? Are they going to go down there and get smacked all around by the fucking SEC? Or those big corn fed motherfuckers going to run it down their goddamn throats. That Michigan offensive line. I'll tell you right now, by the run, by fucking goddamn offensive line.

That's the line I want to run up right behind. I'll tell you right now, you got to say that. You got to say that when you're doing color commentating. I'll tell you right now, you know, there's about two or three guys in the lead that can do it. What you just saw there, there is, you cannot teach that. I know, I know it. Can you somehow teach you not to fucking say that every time? Can you do that?

Yeah, I don't know. So I had a great time down in San Diego and I was, when I was driving down there, you know, we were cutting through East LA because of, you know, all the traffic and shit. And I swear to God, I don't know if I got the picture over here. Yeah. Just on the side street, just the fucking cars and how long that they, they survive out here. I saw a duly dodge that was 70 or 71 dodge. I ended up figuring out what the fuck it was like a dump truck, a dodge fucking dump truck, 50 fucking years old.

Let me see, let me see. I sent this to somebody. I don't know what the fuck is going on here with my damn phone ever since I did that last fucking update. My phone is what my phone is doing is what everybody was telling me I was going to happen to me if I got the vaccine. This fucking thing is going nuts. All right, let's see here if I can find this thing. All right, I sent it to my buddy here. There it is.

Early 70s dodge. I was in East LA. Look at that beaut. It's a six wheel fucking dump truck. I mean, it looks like it's four wheel drive. It's fucking gigantic. Never seen one of those in my life. I've seen, you know, the old Fords and I've seen the old Chevy's and dodge was just, they just were never in the game.

When it came to trucks in like the 60s, you know, and then in the 70s, I just felt like they were so far behind. They had no respect in the 80s. They finally came up with at least a name. They came up with the Dodge Ram and then they actually made like a mid sized truck. I think it was called the Dakota and but it was always the argument like what do you like better the Chevy Silverado, you know, a GMC. Or a, you know, a Ford F 150 or F 250. And they were always the ulcerant until they came up with that killer front end. And like the Dodge Hemi and all of that shit.

I'm always babbling about trucks here. Let's talk. Let's do a little advertising here. Shall we? All right. Look who it is everybody. It's butcher box. You know, when it comes to the meat that will be the centerpiece of your holiday meals quality matters.

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That's kind of a funny analogy, huh? It's like taking the stairs instead of using the elevator. Alright, well taking the stairs, you know, that's better for your fucking heart. It's better for your legs, you know. And if you wipe out, all you do is fall down one flight of stairs till you hit the landing, you know. Things go wrong in an elevator, I'll tell you, depending on where you are, that can be a rough one, okay? Alright, sorry. My apologies. Let's try to be a little more serious here.

Well, that's why you go to Policy Genius. Go to Policy Genius, then you don't have to worry about taking the fucking stairs. You can just fucking be eaten a burger and fries, drink it a milkshake, wait for the fucking elevator, you know? Alright, jokes from China. Okay, let's do a little backstory here. I love when people write in from other countries. Alright? I do.

And this is the thing, even though that I know I'm better than you because I'm an American, I still like to hear from you because it gives me an opportunity to pretend that I'm like empathetic. No, I'm kidding. I've got some, you know, I've got some letters from mainland China, which just blows me away because over here in the United States, old America here, Thomas Jefferson and all them powdered wigs, sons of bitches. They make it seem like you guys can't listen to anything from over here with your censored internet, which I have to be honest with you, I don't think it's such a bad idea. You know, I remember before I was thinking, wow, it's fucked up, they don't let them talk to each other and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But if you see how batshit crazy some people are going over here, going on the internet, meeting and talking to other batshit crazy people on the fucking internet. You know, out of all the mistakes I've made, I got to tell you something, one of the best things I ever did is I never really talked to anybody on the internet. I mean, I'll send out a tweet. That's the closest I come to talking to anybody. You know, but like, I've never got gone into a chat room and been like, hey, there. Fuck Oh 1976 hashtag, you know, whatever, you know, where you live in and like get to know somebody that's just fucking weird. Anyway, so I was just whatever.

I got some emails from China. So I was like, you know, if anybody out there in China is listening, I'd love to hear from you. I was talking about all the fucked up things, all the fucked up jokes that we've had about people from China. And then in the stuff that we've done in movies and TV, just, you know, offensive shit. So I was like, you can't tell me you guys don't have jokes about Americans. Let me hear some of your jokes from China, making fun of somebody like me over here in America. So here we go jokes from China. Hello, Billy fat tits long time listener, first time mail it just heard your podcast that asking some jokes about America from China.

My name is Han Solo. My name is Han and I'm Chinese and I have some jokes about it. So here we go. When I was in New York, I lived in the most dangerous and dirty place in Manhattan. It was called, it's called Chinatown. I found it. I found it. I found Americans are very lazy at naming things.

Okay. Like Chinese live together. They call it Chinatown. Korea goes together. It's called Korea town. White people go together. It's called brunch. Oh, Jesus.

That's doing jokes here. It's very lazy. That kind of thing will never happen if Americans come to Asia. Dude, this guy's literally doing stand up. Hey, I'll tell you when I was in New York, I lived in the most dangerous and dirty place. It was called Chinatown. Okay. Oh, I'll tell you it was rough.

It was rough down in Chinatown. I found Americans very lazy at naming things. A bunch of Chinese get together. They call Chinatown. Koreans go to come together. They call Korea town. White people come together. It's called brunch.

I'll tell you that's a beaut. That kind of thing will never happen. Oh, this is this Yakov Smirnoff. In America, you call it brunch. In Russia, it's called the ratty eggs. That kind of thing will never happen if Americans come to Asia. If a group of Americans go to Japan and live in Japan, the Japanese wouldn't call it American town. They just call it a military base.

Those are some good jokes. That's it. Hope you enjoy it. And love from Shanghai, China. Best wishes. Hand Q. I bought a round of applause for Hand Q. Writing some respectable stand up comedy in a second language.

That's off to you. That was fucking. That's some good shit. Feel like Johnny Carson. That's good stuff. That's good stuff. I love it. All right.

Hand Q has set the bar. Asia. Come on. What is that 90 billion of you over there? You can't tell me. I want to hear from the David Tells and Louis CK's and Dave Chappelle's of China. I want to hear you. I want to start roasting America.

I want to start doing some fucking jokes here. All right. Okay. Here we go. Old man dirt bike. All right. So lately I've had this desire. You know, I was going over to the airport flying my little fucking Whirly Bird or whatever.

And I was just thinking like, you know what? I'd love to get a dirt bike. I could just ride it around the airport. There's nobody really there. It's a small fucking airport. I could ride safely. I could still keep the skill in knowing how to ride a motorcycle or whatever. And I wouldn't have to worry about getting T-boned by somebody staring at their phone in a fucking Tesla.

Fucking Tesla, dude. It's all electric. You see the bottom of it? That ain't fucking battery. All right. Old man dirt bike. Dear Billy, Milky Tits. I sent you this email over a year ago.

I'm even more in love with the Yamaha WR250R than before. Yeah, I looked it up. I guess this bike has discontinued. I think it is. I don't know. I have many friends that have switched from the KTM because they don't need the performance and hate the maintenance. My brother is your age and has been riding a dirt bike his whole life. He loves his WR more than anything he's ever had.

It's street legal, can go about 80 miles per hour uncomfortably, but rips off road. I'm almost 100% off road nowadays. The best thing about this bike, maintenance. Oil changes are every 3,000 miles and it doesn't need a valve adjustment for 18,000 miles. This is unheard of for dirt bikes. KTMs and most two strokes need oil changes every 16 hours or so. Fuck a two stroke. I don't need to do that.

I'm not trying to go like 9 million miles an hour and the environment is polluted enough. I'm doing a four stroke. Yeah, they're faster, but this thing is plenty quick for me. It's light enough that I was even able to lift it into my truck alone in a pinch. No ramp. I love this bike that I bought a friend, a bike to keep in my garage so I can tempt out of towners to come ride with me. My brother and best friend got them too.

I know you never take me up on it, but you're welcome to borrow it if you're ever in San Francisco and this COVID shit dies down. Don't mess with the two stroke oil injection. It's just a mess. All right, a few non gear heads out there like me. I looked this up a long time ago. The difference between a two stroke and a four stroke is, you know, when the piston gets to the top of the cylinder and the spark plug hits, you know, igniting the gas and air mixture,

the emulsion of gas and oxygen, that explosion is what drives the piston down and turns the crankshaft. So in a true two stroke, that happens every time the piston comes up. So two stroke, okay, it goes down after the explosion and comes back up. Another explosion down, two strokes down, up, down, up. Every time it goes up, the spark plug fires on a four stroke. It fires. It goes down.

It comes up. It goes down. It comes back up and it fires again. That's simply it. So basically it fires half as much times in a four stroke. So there's not as much fumes and all that shit coming out the back of the bike. So with the two stroke, it's just constantly fucking cranking, slamming that piston down, turning the crankshaft and you got all of this power.

All that says with the size of my head, that just means I'm going to fly off the back of the bike. So anyway, I looked up some of those Yamaha's and, you know, they still seem kind of expensive. I don't need a KTM, Jesus Christ. What am I, Evil Knievel? Or Robbie Knievel? Am I going to jump from one fucking casino to another? I don't need to be doing that shit, but I, you know, the reality is, the reality is,

it's just once in my life, I want to drive a Harley Road King down some fucking road, like in fucking Montana or just in the middle of fucking nowhere is sort of the dream. But like, it's just too fucking scary. I told you guys, I had a bike for like two months out here and you know me, I'm not a religious guy and I took that thing out one time and I, you know, my dream was to go down sunset and take it all the way to the beach and I did that and I went around a turn somewhere where the old Playboy Mansion used to be. And this guy came over the double line just a little bit and I was in a turn and I just

stand it up so he wouldn't take my fucking head off. And it was just a split second, but it felt like, it felt like I was, you know, going to go right to the trees or lose my head. And I remember when we finally got to the beach, I was riding with Dean and I got off the bike and I was like shaking and I was thinking like, is that from the vibration of the bike? Like what's going on? I was like low level shaking.

It's like, oh no, that's because I almost just died. So I just made a promise. I said, God, if you get me back to Dean's garage, I will never fucking ride a motorcycle in LA ever again. And I didn't, I parked it and I said, sell this fucking thing. Riding a bike, I tell you, it's not as fun as you think it's going to be because you're so busy trying not to get killed, you don't get to look at anything. Where I feel like, you know, I don't know, I have like a four wheeler and I fucking zip

around the airport and I have a fucking blast on that thing. You know, I slow down the intersections. I know somebody could become, but there's really nobody there. I just do it every once in a while, keep the battery nice and charged, you know, just fucking take it through the gears and shit like that. And I have a fucking blast on that thing. And it's because I don't have to worry about getting fucking hit by anybody where the second I get out on the road, it's like, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus, where's it coming?

Where's it coming from? So yeah, I'm going to get one. Fuck it. I'm going to get one. The Yamaha WR250R, huh? All right. I'll look at, I mean, I'm loving that no maintenance. I mean, that is just, just like you said, old man dirt bike.

That's what the fuck I'm talking to 50. It's not a lot of power. It's a fucking four stroke. It doesn't need any maintenance. That's perfect. Fucking brilliant. It's missing his training wheels. I mean, that is just right up my alley.

It's exactly it. I'm not trying to fucking, you know, learn how to do wheelies or anything like that. I just want to fucking ride around on it. All right. Rounding up change. Hey, Bill, what's this new shit? I drive through to pay, to pay, get food instead of giving me change. They asked if I want to round up the change to the nearest dollar because of the coin shortage.

The bill was 94 cents. So they want you to eat the extra 53 cents. Yeah. Tell them to go fuck themselves. I haven't heard about that. That sounds like a scam. Dude, these people in corporate, they're just fucking, they're criminals. If anybody out there is living a life of crime, just, you just start donating to politicians

and start advertising your criminal enterprise on a news network. And I'm telling you, we won't have any fucking problems. Rounding up change, scam. Let's see what we get here. Why so many companies are rounding up your spare change? What does this mean? Okay. Last week, TaxiAppLift took out a full page ad in the Sunday New York Times tuned out,

a magnanimous new program it will soon roll out called Roundup and Donate. Oh, fuck you, Donate. You fucking cunts. You're going to donate 1% of it and line your pockets with the change. You fucking, this is the oldest scam out there. Opt in and will automatically round up your fare to the next whole dollar and push the difference towards issues impacting everyone everywhere from climate change to the pursuit of equality.

Could it be any more just, just vague? Yes, it's fair to see it as another effort to capitalize while Uber, its biggest competitor has been beset by scandals for nearly two months straight. And the language of the ad, sit for something, it's what Lyft was founded on, led many to roll their eyes. The New York Observer said the ad is really a big fuck you to Uber. Uber? Uber.

While an ad week reporter wrote on Twitter, you're a rideshare company. Get over yourself, exactly. All right. Let's see. What were the scandals? All right. Uber had, has had five major scandals in just two weeks. You know, who would have thought just getting in a, in a car with a complete stranger where

there's nothing that vets them that eventually you would have a problem and extended. I mean, if I was a serial killer, I would just become an Uber driver. You know, are you sick of throwing, having to run down and tackle victims? All that money you spend on chloroform and all that money on rags, wouldn't it be great if your victim would just get in your car introducing Uber? Um, an extended string of bad news about Uber continued on Friday with, with a New York Times report that Uber has used for years a surreptitious data tool to deceive authorities in unfriendly markets.

It was only, oh my, these guys should be in fucking jail. They got enough money to stay out of jail. It was only one month ago that the hashtag delete Uber began trending during protests to President Trump's travel ban. Well, what the fuck does Trump have to do with Uber leading CEO Travis Kalanick to step down from Trump's business council? Oh, I see. Oh, because he was with Trump.

Oh, I get it. But if he was with Joe Biden, people would be like, all right, it's okay. He could stay with Uber. Is that how it works? But that already feels like eons ago, eons ago. In the time since Uber has been at the center of an additional five scandals that has brought more negative scrutiny on the hot taxi company. They're not a taxi, which was already no stranger to scandal than ever before.

All right. That's even more links. How the company deals with each of these storms could determine it. What fucking storms? Did these people get paid by the fucking word? All right. Former employee bombshell blog post on February 19th, Susan Fowler Righetti, a former Uber engineer now working on an eye-opening blog.

What did she say? Alleging she received repeated sexual advances from a male colleague. Well, this isn't Uber's fault. You know what I mean? This is on the guy that does it. Why does that go down to the company? Like, are you supposed to say, hey, before we hire you, do you plan on taking your dick out at work?

Well, yeah, actually I did. All right, we can't hide. Like, it's that simple. After the blog post went live and quickly rocketed it around the internet. Yeah, because of all these stupid air quote news sites. Not because they give a fuck, because they know that people will read shit like that and they can make money with banner ads. Kalanik, not Kalanik.

Kalanik said in a statement, what Philo describes is a horn and against everything Uber stands for and believes in. That's fucking hilarious that you even need to say that. I mean, when Uber came out, it's like we want to have more affordable taxis and we are against taking your dick out and shaking it at women that you work with. Just want to throw that in there as an aside. Okay, but only three days later, a deep dive in New York Times story on Uber's culture suggested that contrary to what Kalanik said, Philo's story is not at all contrary to what

Uber believes in. You're telling me Uber believes in sexual harassment? Well, they had a couple of the employees. Times story published, citing with more than 30 current and former Uber employees concluding that Uber's workplace is culture is aggressive and unrestrained. Who would do it thick? Just such a simple idea. I mean, business is brutal.

What's my name? Fuck you! Who would think that they would have some Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross shit going on there? This is going to be funny in the future when women run everything and then guys will bitch like this and it'll be like the female run Uber has been described as caddy and rumor starting. The level of cuntiness in the office is just completely unacceptable. Sorry. All right.

Hang on a second. I completely got off the subject chair. This is rounding up. Would you like to round up? This is so, so brilliant way to mug people with their consent because people don't like change anymore. It's a question. Would you like to round up? It's a question.

Many cashiers are asking customers around the St. Louis region. I feel like one of those fucking PM magazine guys right now, like I'm doing the voiceover. This is showing footage of somebody at a fucking stop and shop. Would you like to round up? It's often asked as you're checking out at the store or paying at a drive-through. Local grocery stores, fast food restaurants and even pet stores offer customers a chance to make charitable donations at checkout. News 4's Chris Nangus was recently asked if he wanted to round up at a Missouri Taco Bell. He was told his 48 cent donation would benefit education and students.

It might not seem like a lot, but according to tax filings with the IRS, the Taco Bell Foundation brought in millions of dollars through the generosity of its customers and how many more millions they keep. According to its 2018-1990 form, the Taco Bell Foundation brought in nearly $14 million. Well, let's stop here. How about a round of applause for Taco Bell? They donated $14 million to benefit education and students while also taking out millions of people with heart attacks. So they're getting rid of people, which is great for the environment, and then they're trying to help the ones who survive their food be even smarter.

It's amazing. Joe Waters runs Selfish Giving. Oh, wow. Is that an oxymoron? An organization that helps business partners with nonprofits to raise money at the point of sale. They're becoming really popular, Walter said. He said a recent partnership with an East Coast chain with 120 locations brought in approximately $40,000 to $50,000 worth of round up donations in just three weeks. Jeez, half a million dollars in just three weeks, everybody, and that's just what they reported.

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Didn't Richard Pryor do that in one of the Superman movies? It was like a half a cent left over from everybody's check, and the next thing you know, he showed up in a Ferrari. Rest is sold, the greatest of all time. All right, give them the sun. Hey, Billy Fattits, periodically I hear you talk about, Jesus, I'm getting all fat shamed here, you motherfuckers. Periodically, I hear you talking about your solution to the Middle East conflict.

You talk about the tensions over natural resources, specifically oil reserves, and offer a simple solution. Well, I'm a simple man, sir. Give them the sun. Yeah, give the oil companies control of the sun. That's it. Now, solar energy is great and all, but there's been a recent breakthrough in nuclear fusion technology. Nuclear power plants that exist today operate using nuclear fission. Fission splits atoms, whereas fusion smushes them together.

I like how he's using fucking bar room logic so he doesn't lose me here. The process of nuclear fusion is similar to what goes on in the actual sun. So your dream just tonight become a reality. I'll pause here if you want to do some googling. I'm all for whatever creates cleaner air and less waste. The only thing I'm worried about anything nuclear is the waste and how long it lasts and what the fuck you do with it. Knowing full well that, you know, all of these fucking solar panels and all of that shit. Also, you know, my raw material it takes to make those things aren't exactly green either.

But my thing is to just get the fuck out of the Middle East, you know what I mean? So those people over there can just get back to fucking, you know. It was like they were having a nice battle royal over there and then like a wrestling we came running out of the fucking locker room. I think it's time to go back in the locker room and let people handle their own goddamn business over there. This new technology has been a pipe dream for 30 years. And up until very recently, it had been thought to be 30 years, 30 plus years off. So this is big news, big news. You hear that all you fucking people who think that nobody's cured anything or done anything and fucking since polio.

This is my favorite fucking analogy that they haven't cured anything since polio. It's like, well, maybe the real thing is you haven't been paying attention. This is big news. The main benefit of fusion is that it has minimal waste, uses fuel that is abundant and is much more stable as compared to fission, fission factors. Well, that is exciting. Anyway, thought you might find that interesting and I hope to hear your thoughts on the show. As with many others, I listen to every episode and love the show. Thanks for all the laughs and entertainment you provide to us on a regular basis.

No problem. That is exciting. That is the kind of thing that actually sounds like it's too good to be true and it's going to be fascinating to watch how we somehow fuck it up. I mean, there we go right there. If what you're saying is true, this is a way out. Sorry. There are a couple of shows. My voice always cracks when I do a couple of shows.

All right. Oh, God. And just when we had hope, just when we were starting to feel better, just when we got some of the great stand up comedy, greatest stand up comedy ever heard from mainland China by the great. Keep it going one more time for Han Q, everybody. Dude, I swear to God, if I ever do stand up in Shanghai, if you want to come on in front of me and do five minutes. All right. You got the gig.

All right, buddy. All right. Just don't get yourself arrested. All right. Hey, I did stand up at mainland China. Oh, I thought that was a rough one. You open an act. Did a joke.

They ran him over with a tank. Okay. All right. Give them the sun. I already read that one. Okay. The collapse of the public educational system. Oh, Jesus.

Here we go. Dear Bill, I am a junior in a public high school in Los Angeles and the state at which my fellow students operate has vastly deteriorated over the course of the pandemic. And nobody seems to be talking about it. Well, I'm glad you're talking about it because people should know about it. Over the last two years, while my classes were online, every student got bailed out of their bad grades because it was just blamed on quarantine. Well, where the fuck was that when I was going to school? We were just given a pass or fail grade based off of our report card before quarantine started. This should have not been announced because as soon as my classmates figured this out, they immediately stopped doing any work and we just sit around playing video games all day.

Oh, wow. Let me read that again because I kind of fucked up the reading of that word, that sentence. We were just given a pass or fail grade based off of our report card before quarantine started. This should not have been announced because as soon as my classmates figured this out, they immediately stopped doing any work and we just sit around playing video games all day. They would just keep their cameras and microphones off or not even join the meeting fully in our Zoom meetings, which took the place of in-class instruction. Very few people actually attended class and nobody learned anything. This current school year came and we went back to our real-life class. All the teachers expected the slackers to start working again. They didn't.

This entire semester, a lot of students haven't made the connection that their grades now matter. Attendance is way down and very little is done in class and nobody does the assigned work. I am in an advanced program at my school and I believe a lot of my classmates are going to fail out of it. Yeah, but you're not. Don't do what those knuckleheads are doing. My question is, should LAUSD, LA Unified School District, bail all of the slackers out of their bad grades again this year, or do you think they should draw the line and say they should get their act together? Thank you for your seemingly endless amount of relationship advice. You have helped me and my buddies out a bunch.

Oh, that's nice. Yes, I hope this finds you because I have zero fucking idea how to reach you. Well, you figured it out. Okay, you asked me, do you think they should draw the line and say they should have gotten their act together? I think they should take a portion of the blame. The public should take a portion of the blame and the students should take a portion of the blame. We should all focus on this. I think this would be a good thing with all the fucking flapping of the arms and chicken little shit going on out there.

You know, I think this is the most important thing is whatever is going on with the kids, the youth, the next people that are going to be coming along. You know, as an old guy, I want you guys to be, you know, doing the best you can and having a better life than I've had. Like, that's what you're supposed to want as an old person. So that sucks that it's like that. And I got to be honest with you, I probably would have fell into that a little bit too because I fucking hated school. But, you know, I also hated getting yelled at. And I got to tell you, that's what my parents did when I fucking brought on my bad report card was I would just get fucking yelled at. And it, you know, it is negative motivation, but it fucking works.

So I'm proud that you're still, yet you didn't fall into that shit. And, you know, you learned a valuable lesson early on in your life. What you're seeing, what these people are doing, your fellow classmates is what a lot of people do in life is they find a way to do as little as possible. And it's why becoming successful is not as hard as you would think it is. It's definitely a lot of work. It's definitely a lot of sacrifice. But, you know, as you're not really competing with everybody, you know, you're just competing with other people that are working as hard as you are. Other than that, most people, you know, not most. I would say like, you know, like I would say 30% of people, like their dream in life is to not do shit and get paid.

And they would be happy with that. Like they would want to be like a trust fund kid. And then you have the next 30% or so, I think that they, they're good people and they work hard, but they don't necessarily have a passion. And they kind of fall into something and they do that and they, you know, they enjoy it and they, I don't know, maybe they get more out of other things. I don't know what, you know, those people that, you know, they like their jobs, whatever, but they got a boat, you know, they can't wait to take the boat out, you know, or they got a dirt bike or whatever. They got just something that they want to go fucking do, you know, got vacation coming up. Oh my God, we're going down to the Poconos, you know, that those people. And, you know, so, you know, it's really, I don't even know what is like 20% of people is what you're fucking competing with.

So congratulations, you know, succeeding is like an old school rocket. You know what I mean? Going up to the moon and that first section drops off. That's what you just saw. Now there's just two thirds of it left. And you want to make sure you're up there in that top of that fucking capsule there. So you can go plant your flag, son. Yeah, I would love to do, be involved in anything that would help out public schools and help kids out. And I wish there was something you could do, like if they started a program, you know, that dumb shit, you could fucking rescue a road or something. You know, you were responsible for keeping it clean. They had shit like that, something like that.

They should do that with schools. You can pick up, if there's like a local school. There's like a way that even with your busy life that you can be involved and, you know, help raise money or go down there, clean up, do something. You know? Because that can't go away, man. The free public education, Jesus Christ, grades one through 12. I mean, that's what it was all about. That's what it's all about. That's where you learn all the fucking lies, man. Prostitute, man. Yay or nay. Dear Billy Bong Dong.

You see how my dick looks like a bong? I mean, all right, I'll take that. You got a glass tube there. Hey, Bill, I'm ripped off the jazz cabbage right now. And I had to run an idea past you. Is that an inside joke with you and your friends? I love how you just presented that. Like, that's a common expression. Is that a common expression? I'm ripped off the jazz cabbage. I'm a 24-year-old who's still a virgin. Well, congratulations. You don't have any STDs.

You're like one of those Star Wars action figures that's still in the box. Your fucking dick is worth money. I don't think there's anything wrong with virginity, but I'm fixing to punch that V card like it's a title fight. There you go. I like it. Get up to bat. Start swinging. The problem is I have no game with the ladies. Fellas and non-binary folks, everyone's on the table. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22 and haven't gotten that far again. I got a birthday spanking from a dude at a BDSM club, but that wasn't a sexual thing, so it doesn't count.

I love how you are a virgin, but you're going to a bondage fucking place for your birthday. I got a feeling once you get in the game, you're going to be like Jordan. It takes you two weeks to establish yourself in the league. Anyway, I got to thinking about saving up money to visit a sex worker. To be clear, I mean one of those legit establishments where everything's on the up and up and people like their job. Nobody who has to fucking bang somebody for a living likes their job. I figure once I lose my virginity and let the wave of guilt instilled in me from my religion slash upbringing hit me, once I get over it, I'll be a bit more confident and be able to develop some skills in the art of seduction.

On top of that, I feel like I'd be a dope experience. Another virgin could blow my mind the first time. Imagine a season pro who does the shit for, okay. If you went out and banged another virgin where you're at, that would blow your mind, but imagine if a season pro does the shit for a living. What do you think? Should I keep it the old fashioned way or tag in a couple paper wingman? Thanks and go fuck someone else. All right, first of all, you have a great sense of humor and you don't want to do that.

You don't want to do that. Don't go down that fucking road. What you need to do is you have to do what a stand-up comedian does, which you have to bomb your way into knowing how to be a comedian. You have to bomb your way into knowing how to hit on chicks or whatever the fuck it is you're into. What you do is you set little attainable goals every time you go out. I'm going to hit on three chicks. That's it. I don't know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to have fun. You know what's great about all of this shit is you're going to get some hilarious fucking stories.

If you're 24 and you've got friends, do they know you're a virgin? If they don't, you should tell them. Just feel like, listen, man, I'm still a virgin and I'm sick of this shit. If any, you guys got any and dude and guys will like fucking like the 40 year old virgin. Once they found out Steve Carell was a virgin, they were like, we're going to get this fucking guy laid. That's it. They're going to help you out and you're going to be fine. You got a great sense of humor, right? Everybody likes to fucking laugh. You're going to be fine. You don't need to tap out and go, you know, that dark route.

Don't be doing that shit, you know. Imagine that you coming right out of your box. The first time fucking Luke Skywalker comes out and turns on his lightsaber and then you end up getting some fucking STD. This is one of these legit places, you know, where the people like their job. Now they had horrible childhoods and that's how the fucking they ended up in there. You don't want to be in that world at all. All right, that's it. So hang in there. Don't take the easy way out. All right. Talk some shit, have some fun, allow yourself to be a fucking idiot.

Allow yourself to not know what you're doing and just enjoy the process. All right, everybody's been where you're at. Okay, yet look at how many people are on the planet. All right, so it's not hopeless. Whatever you do, don't join one of those stupid fucking incel groups. Because those people are doomed for failure. You have fucking, I just don't, for the life of me, I don't understand where if you had a fucking problem, why you would go into a chat room where everybody else has the same problem, but nobody, there's no solution.

You know what I mean? Like if you fucking, it'd be like me, you know, with all my problems with technology, if I went to a chat room, if I could find the fucking thing and just talk to a bunch of other old fucking guys that were born for fucking 30 years before cell phones even came out, and we all sat around, I don't know, they fucking work either. I mean, how are you going to solve your problem? Anyway, you know what I would do?

The sex industry is 100% bad. If I was fucking the president, I would, that incel shit would be over quick. I'd figure out who all those fucking incel kids were and I would send fucking whores, fucking whores, to act like they're regular people and just go up to them and start talking to them in the grocery store like they did with that one guy who was running for office and they were trying to get dirt on him and they were trying to get these whores to bang him and he fucking wouldn't touch them and then they sent guys.

They're like, maybe he's gay and then that didn't work. And then he was just, they thought he was like fucking asexual. Who was that guy? The one who they said fucked up the election in the year 2000. I love how they blamed him and not Al Gore. My turn. Anyways, that is the podcast everybody. I hope you guys have a great couple of days.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. There's Hanukkah coming gone. I hope you had a happy Hanukkah. How many don't spell it Chanukkah anymore? I was trying to find out how to spell it. Chanukkah is how they always, it was like a call. There was alternate spellings of it. Woman 84 killed after tornado touches down in Charles County.

Can you imagine living for 84 fucking years? That's what gets you a fucking tornado. Does that make any goddamn sense? What are the odds that 84 you're going to get killed by a tornado? If you get 84 stroke dementia fucking fallen in the shower. Who would think a goddamn twister would take you out? Jesus Christ. What a fucking way to go.

I'll tell you right now. They don't have a fucking, I've fallen and I've gotten getting up for fucking old people after a tornado. That is the scariest. Like where do you go? I literally think they have basements in the middle of the fucking like Kansas and shit because of tornadoes. Not for extra shit. Oh my God. And then you go down there and you just wait for that thing to pass by.

As you're sitting down there going, why am I keeping all this shit? You know? And then the second you think that mother nature is like, well, I'll help you with that. Just vacuums up your whole house. Do you ever read these stories where people like got sucked up into them and they like fucking saw shit? Fucking guy gets sucked up and one said lightning was happening inside of it. It's like, let me get this straight. You were in a tornado with your eyes open.

Did you have your hands behind your head just sitting there laying back? Well, fuck it, man. If you're going to suck me up in it. Wait, I got to look that up. Man inside tornado. You know that shit they get sucked out of their fucking house. Man carried away by tornado. Oh, here's one.

We are in a tornado. Oh my God. You're not in a tornado. It's right next to your house though. I mean, when you're in a tornado, I evidently all you can do is just yell the obvious. Oh, we're in a tornado. Jesus Christ. Fucking rip the roof off of his fucking house and this guy's still filming.

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine liking Instagram that much? You know what? I should stay down in my basement with this old grandfather clock or what if I went upstairs and I started filming and just screaming, I'm in a tornado. Imagine how many hits I would get when I was looking up. There was a guy a long time ago. I remember reading and I can readers digest.

Yes. A man was swept up by a tornado. All right. This is 15 years ago to the day. Matt Sutter was thrown 1,370 feet in 2006. 19 year old kid. That's why he got up. He was 19.

Matt Sutter was 19 years old when he had an experience that he will never forget. He survived being swept up inside a tornado. There have been a few stories like this, but this one was different. Let's see. There was a severe weather outbreak in the Missouri Ozarks on March 12, 2006 that lasted throughout the evening. More than a dozen tornadoes, a supercell claiming the lives of two people, but Matt was lucky as an EF2, whatever that means.

Tornado ripped through his grandmother's mobile home in Fordland that evening and Sutter was swept up inside the twister. Record show. Sutter was unconscious during this time. Oh yeah. Because he had been struck in the head by a lamp in the motor home or a form and grill. God knows what else he had in there. Sutter, because he was struck in the head by everything he ever owned.

Sutter woke up in a grassy field sometimes later after being thrown over a barbed wire fence. Luckily, Sutter only suffered a head injury from the lamp and his feet were badly scratched by what? The fucking house cat clinging to him. Sutter woke up 1,377 feet, roughly a quarter of a mile away. 15 years later, the distance still holds the Guinness Book of World Record for longest distance.

Anyone has been thrown by a tornado and survived. I'll tell you right now. I chased tornadoes and I'm out here to break the 15-year-old record of Matt Sutter of 1,370 feet, 307 feet, excuse me. It's safe to say this is one record no one will want to break. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding me? Did you see all those whores lining up to try and fuck Flava Flav?

You're telling me one of these fucking people doesn't want to try to break that record? You can find somebody. All right, that's it everybody. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.