Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-14-15

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Bill rambles about Human Cellophane, personal information and the Dominican Republic.

All rights reserved. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 14th, 2015. What's going on? How are ya? I'm in New York City. It's Sunday night, 8.24 left in the third quarter. New England Patriots vs. Houston fucking Texans. I am in New York City to promote, finally, the fucking, we're finally putting out Effors for Family.

I know I've been talking about this shit, but I gotta do it. Tomorrow I'm doing fucking Media Boy, Monkey Boy. Gonna be fucking going all over town and all over on the fucking phone and all that shit. Talking about this wonderful new show that we have coming out. So if you guys can do something for me, I would really appreciate by watching it December 18th on Netflix. There, I got it out of the way. All right. And anyways, and also thank you for everybody who watched the Pie Crust video, huh?

Oh, Billy Baker got over 600,000 hits, you know, and I learned some shit. Some people like, don't use Crisco. You should use fucking Lod. And you know what's funny? Somebody bought me, got me a thing of lard, and I keep forgetting to use it. So I'm gonna try that next time, and then also people said a better way to pick up the Pie Crust is you fucking slowly roll it over with the rolling pin. I didn't know either one of those, but the guy who told me, I've read it on some fucking website. He just goes, oh, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, like 20 bills. He was doing so well.

It's like, dude, would you fuck? You know, so you know how to pick up a fucking Pie Crust better than I do. Why don't you just fucking tell me how to do it? Why do you gotta act like the fucking sky just fell? It didn't. My Pie Crust came out fine. Everybody is such a fucking cunt. You know what amazes me about adults is that whole fucking thing that he just did, oh, Bill, Bill, Bill. You know what that really is? That is literally his fucking inner child.

Literally going, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, look at me. I know how to do it better. It's like, just fucking grow up. Am I being a cunt right now? I don't think I am. Oh, Jesus, they're showing the fucking highlights of the Patriots special teams. They fumbled another fucking punt, gave these jerk off Texans another chance here. I'll tell you right now, I don't buy JJ Watts' intensity. I just don't buy it. I think he's just hamming it up for the fucking cameras. He's got a fucking scowl on his face before the game even starts.

You know what I mean? What are you mad at? Jumping jacks, touching your toes? That's stupid fucking commercial where that bluegrass band starts spraying water in his face and then he yells at his locker and then there's nobody there. I get it. He gets up for games. You know? Give me Ray Lewis any time. I would rather have Ray Lewis screaming and yelling. You know what I mean? Than that fucking super sized astronaut looking guy. I'm just fucking with you. He's a great player and I'm so psyched to have his hands just fucking.

One of his hands is wrapped up. Thank God we would have been in fucking trouble this game. Hopefully, you're not sitting there with some fucking caddy at the canary smile on your face knowing that I'm going to do the rest of this podcast. Watching the Patriots somehow blow a 14 point lead. I know that's not going to happen, right? Get him! Ah, you fucking cunts. Over the middle. So anyways, I got here on Thursday. I've been doing some stand up.

Getting ready for these talk shows and shit I got to do. I'm doing the Tonight Show. I'm doing Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday and then Wednesday. I'm in LA doing Conan and then I'm on fucking. I'm officially on goddamn vacation but I had a great week dude. Had a great time being back here in New York. It is unsettlingly warm. The only thing more scary about how fucking warm it is back here is people's reaction to it. They fucking love it. These East Coast people have to take it in the face.

Old man winter every fucking year. The overwhelming response to global warming up to this point is like, yeah. Bring it on. I'm loving this. I literally, I saw a woman in a fucking half shirt. Not a half shirt. She had a belly showing like she was going to be dancing behind one of them fucking chicks that can't really sing. And they use the auto tune so they got to show their tits a little bit. Show their little naughty little bits a little bit of the naughty bit. She's walking down the street and I was like, oh my god.

When I saw her she was gorgeous. Then I was just thinking like dude it's one of the fucking half. It's like this December 10th. She's walking down the street like it's April or possibly even May. So then I went on stage and I was joking about it at the stand in this fucking lady in the front row. All she could talk about, she was just nodding and nodding and nodding. I was just going, you realize this whole fucking city is going to look like Venice. It's going to be underwater, right?

And she was just going like, yeah, I know, but I love the weather. It's over. It's fucking, I am convinced of it. It's fucking over. People will choose the convenience right in front of their face and they won't see the volcano fucking erupting, you know, in the distance. They don't give a fuck if in that moment the hand in the face is going to fucking be more soothing. That's what the fuck they're going to look at. And who's kidding?

No, I don't have any solutions and I'm part of the problem, but at least at least this is the only thing I could say. At least I have the decency to be afraid. I'm not doing anything about it. I'm trying to eat less fish. I feel bad for the baseball. What am I going to do? Just me walking around being alive. I'm contributing to this shit.

Not to mention I'm flying halfway across the country to promote a fucking cartoon. Get on the ball. That's a live ball. Fuck you. That's not an incomplete pass. Fuck you. Oh, you fucking bastards. Anyways, now they're saying, now they're having a discussion.

Now they're having a discussion. What happened? He went back out. Clearly an incomplete. I don't know. This is going to be one of the ones. He'll stop his hand motion going forward. He stopped the throwing motion and gripped the fucking ball.

These stupid fucking replays in the NFL, you know, going to the video booth. This is like it turned all of these moments like this. This is why I hate NBA basketball is the time out, the time out, the time out, how fucking long it takes. By the way, congratulations to the Golden State Warriors winning 28 fucking games in a row. I don't think that the, I don't, I'm trying to think what that could ever be broken. I mean, that's, that is insane. And as much as they didn't break the Lakers, their record, that was still amazing. I wish I could actually have watched the fucking double overtime game against the Celtics.

It looked like an instant classic. Of course I was out, you know, telling jokes and that type of shit. I'm sorry. I guess I know you guys, some of you people always ask me, I'll talk about hoop. I just can't fucking watch it. I try. I like college hoops. You know, I actually was going to watch North Carolina because once again they got a great team.

They're fucking ranked second. Fuck it. Heals right in. I came in here, but we, you know, my wife always sits down and she wants, she wants to watch dumb TV. She goes, I just sit down and watch dumb TV. It's that fucking Kardashian shit, which has been on a goddamn loop. That shit the other day. Okay.

And it was on, you know, they got enough episodes now. It's like the fucking Simpsons where you can just do a whole weekend of nothing but the Simpsons. You can do that with the Kardashians now. So she just kept watching them and watching. And I literally, I had to get up and walk into the bedroom and close the door. The show, it literally puts me in a fucking bad mood. I know that there's a, there's a clip I just saw on Facebook. Of course I'm on Facebook.

I'm a white guy in my 40s. I love Facebook as much as the youngsters hate it. Everything that they hate about it. I fucking love about it. But anyways, there's some local news show or whatever and this guy just, he just fucking sums up. He snaps. He completely loses his composure and just says like, nobody gives a fuck about this stupid fucking family. And then these two chicks laughing, one of them agrees.

And then the other like, just breathe, just breathe like that makes it better. It's like just enough already. I, my, my wife has it on so much. I'm actually starting to understand like the dude, you know, who looks like a fucking mannequin. He's got perfect hair, perfect white teeth. He's always walking around in a suit, but he's never at work. And I finally just sit there and go, what the fuck does that guy do for a living? And they're like, eh, you know, nobody really knows.

Nobody knows what he does. You know, he's always walking around like a dress like Bud Fox. And then I'm like, oh my God, I'm getting sucked into this thing. So I just, I just went into the other room. It's just an endless fucking pursuit. They're just constantly traveling. I love like when they go to the Dominican Republic and did they interact with the people? They go right to the fucking resort and they're sitting next to a fucking infinity pool.

You know what I mean? It's just, it's like, why did you, why don't you just stay home? You already live in that climate. You dumb fucks. Let me tell you about the time I went to the Dominican Republic. I went there and they took us nice. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, get that motherfucker. You fat fuck.

That's not yours. God damn that fat fuck. He landed right on it. Probably thought it was a pork shoulder. Oh, great. And we get hurt. Wonderful. Ah, for fuck's sakes.

Anyways, so I go to Dominican Republic with the wonderful lady. I was dating at the time. Fuck that relationship up as I did everyone until I met my lovely wife. And we stayed at a resort, right? We show up and I got there. And within too far, like you see how people are living as you're driving there. And you're like, holy fuck. It was my first time in a so-called third world country.

I didn't know what the fuck that means. It just always means it's a bunch of broke people. I don't know. So I fucking like was staggering. You know, I saw a couple of nice houses and everything else was like a fucking tin shack. And we're fucking blowing by all this poverty and you're taking it all in. It's an absolute shock when you're spoiled ass fucking American. All right.

Now give a fuck what your situation is in this country for the most part. You're living like a fucking king compared to this stuff. Right. So I, we ended up getting to the resort and then all of a sudden everybody has only these fucking Hawaiian shirts saying hello, asking to take your bags. And it's like, am I supposed to forget what the fuck I just saw? So the entire time I'm on this vacation. What's funny about the resort is this like literally like a prison wall all the way

around the whole fucking thing. And you just feel it. You just felt it like late at night. If I get too close to that wall, somebody is going to reach over, yank me over it and no one's ever going to see me again because that's the level of desperation down here. And my favorite part slash the scariest part of the trip was we actually went horseback riding and we went to a cave where there was water. You went to the water and you had to go underwater and then come up to the other side of the

different cave. I know this sounds like a fucking Hardy Boys episode, but we actually did it. And I remember the tour guide, the tour guide who took us, I had to stop at his fucking house. So I am sitting there in the front passenger seat of his car as everybody is looking at me. Basically the whitest motherfucker on the planet. And I had to sit there like, are they looking at me like Jesus Christ?

How often do you see a redheaded white dude down here? Were they looking at me like a white elephant? Or were they looking at me like, you know, God knows what our foreign policy did and now they're in that situation. I had no fucking idea, but it was definitely, I don't know, but I was still glad I did it. I still went out and interacted. I actually gave the horseback thing and the cave shit. I actually was giving money to people outside of that fucking resort.

It just didn't feel right. Does that make any sense? I don't fucking know. I'm watching the fucking game here. But anyways, I'm talking about the Kardashians. How late they go to all these impoverished places and they just still end up next to an infinity pool, which to me is like, why the fuck would you leave? You're not interested because you starving.

You got food, right? Okay. She just went like 20 fucking times. She asked me when this game was going to be over because she wanted to watch dumb TV. And I was, I wanted to be like, you know what? This is my dumb TV. This is my keeping up with the Kardashians. I watched the Patriots.

Come on, look at Tom Brady. Isn't he dreamy? He looks like that guy with no job on the Kardashians, doesn't he? Except he's a man. Anyway, so today in New York, I actually went to the premiere of a movie called Daddy's Home starring Mack Wahlberg and Will Ferrell. And that comes out, I think on Christmas Day. And if you blink, you'll miss me.

I have a small part and I got to go there. And fuck away. Are you on my way through this whole fucking thing? I imagine I am. Oh, Verzi's on his way. Verzi's on his way. I think I'm going to, this is going to be a two-parter. This is going to be the first part I do today.

You know what? Who's kidding? This podcast just became late. I was hoping I could finish this thing before Verzi got here. I got media all day tomorrow and I told Paul's going to go out and go get a beer with him. I'm going to do that so Nia can watch dumb TV. I'm going to go out to a bar. I'm going to watch the rest of the game there.

I confess. But you know what? I did make the pie crust video. I hope it helped you guys out. And it's got over 600,000 hits. That fucking pie crust video's got more hits than most of my specials. And this week I actually finally was able to those ribs that I was smoking. I was telling you about that came out fucking delicious.

And what I learned was it doesn't matter, at least on the green egg, the big green egg. As long as you got smoked that first hour and a half, something like ribs. Now I'm a total fucking novice. This is the second time I ever tried it. It's the first time I ever did it successfully. The other time I had to finish them off in the oven, which isn't necessarily bad. Oh, good. Nia just got fucking two-ply toilet paper.

Three-ply? You got the most-ply toilet paper, right? Oh my god. I can't tell you who stayed here. I'm not going to tell you who stayed here, but he stayed here and he fucking loaded this place up. It's not even one-ply toilet paper. It's like literally almost see-through. He was trying to be nice by making sure we had plenty of...

I don't know what he was trying to do, but all I know is I would rather wipe my ass with sandpaper. There, I said it. Look, I understand if you're in a financially rough place, but can you put a price? You know what I mean? I might as well take a belt sander to the crack of my ass. It's like, what are we doing here? You know, it's very easy to go steal some Kleenex out of these fucking stores. Give your ass a fighting chance.

Anyways, so I found with the big green egg, what I did was I followed all the videos basically of how to start the fire. One of these guys, they always make these fucking videos on how to smoke something. And all they talk about is their rubs and how long they leave it in there. And the most important fucking thing on the big green egg is, dude, what does your fire look like? What's the percentage, you know, those burned up fucking coals versus your wood? So I did like half of that... Not the shit that's got the chemical on it before everybody gives me a rough time. It's the shit that looks like how a tree looks when it's in the middle after a forest fire is put out.

I use that natural shit. And then I had these big blocks of hickory that I'm told it doesn't make a difference if you soak them or not. So I didn't soak those, but then I had a bunch of those, just the chips that you soak overnight. I soaked those things overnight. And I had an insane amount of smoke for the first about hour and a half of the cook. And I kept it roughly at about 250 the entire time. And some people might think that's a little high. I don't know what they came up.

So rather than doing it for four hours, I took it out about 340, 345. They came out great. I'll post a couple of pictures of it. But one of the most exciting parts of my week was Nia tried them and came out to the kitchen and fucking high-fived me and did a little dance. You know what, Nia? That was the highlight. You know?

Because I only made the ribs and you actually enjoyed them. No, no, but I was trying something new. All right, thank you. You know what? There's one of the... Well, sometimes you just know when you're not supposed to talk to your wife. Right now she's focused on something else. Or maybe I annoyed the shit out of her earlier.

I have no fucking idea. But let's get on with the part. I've just been like fucking running my yap here. Let's... What do we got? Now I got to type in the fucking password. Go. Jesus Christ.

You know what? I love how fucking difficult you have to make these fucking passwords. You know what I mean? Like you have like governmental secrets in here. Oh, Friday night. No Saturday night. Do you guys watch the fucking UFC? How insane were those fights?

I don't know anybody's fucking name other than Conor McGregor. Did you see that one fight? That dude was... He was like this... I didn't know what the fuck to call the guy. He's got to have some sort of nickname. He just got on this guy's back and he wouldn't get off him. Every time he'd like go to shake him off, he'd get back on him.

It's like, you know, you ever have like a fucking... I don't know, your fingers are wet and you pick up a hair and you're trying to get it off. You got to wipe it on something else and then somehow it just comes back to you. You know what it's like when you take out cellophane. Or whatever that saran wrap shit. It just starts sticking to itself and you try to fucking, now I can undo it. I can save it. I can save it.

Fuck this piece, right? That's what he was. He was like the human versionist. That's not a good nickname for fucking a fighter, is it? Human cellophane. I don't think that's too intimidating. He was just on this fucking guy and the dude could not get him off. And he was named after...

He was Gunnar Nelson. In fact, for a second, I thought he was the son of the Nelson's, who was the son of Ricky Nelson, who went to that garden party, right? To reminisce with his old friends. Remember that? I went to a garden party to reminisce with my old friends. You like Ricky Nelson, do you?

You like the simplicity of those old songs? The sound of thunder in the background? That's one of my gloves. Come over here and talk to me for two seconds. Let me sing you some Ricky Nelson. Maybe this will ring a bell. Hang on one second. Verzi.

Hold on. Hey, Verzi, where you at? I'm on 47th and 7th. Alright, dude. I'll be downstairs in like 10 minutes. I'm wrapping up my podcast with the first half of it, alright? Okay. Alright, buddy.

I'll see you in a minute. Alright. Alright, let me sing you a little bit of Ricky Nelson. Maybe this will... I know who Ricky Nelson is. I know who his sons are. They had long blonde hair. Do you know the song?

No. It was probably like, If it isn't too far away. That's not them. I'm talking about his dad. They're dad. Oh, yeah. He was some like,

I'm walking. Yes, indeed, I'm walking. Oh, yeah. Very simple song. Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain. Telling me what a fool I've been. Yeah, I was very... And something and something got away again.

It's something and it's something, something. Ray, please tell me, does she love me so? Why are you torturing me? You know what? Because this is my odd way of showing that I love you. Well, I love you too, but you're torturing me. I want to eat my Thai food and watch my dumb TV. I love you very much.

You want me to get out of here? What are you going to watch? You're going to watch the Kardashians? Fuck out. It's Sunday night. It's a big night in reality television. I need you to leave. Here's your question.

Why do I always have to get the fuck out of here? Football is my dumb TV. How come I always have to fucking leave? You know what? That's a great point. And that's why I love you. You know, a few women, you know, if you fuck that, human beings can actually be like,

you know what? That's a good goddamn point. Yes, I do. You just like get out. Oh, all right. Beat it. I beat it? Yeah, you beat it.

I'm going to wrap this up right now. Paul Verzi waiting for you all the time. Oh, you're a terrible friend. Yeah, you know what? You know what? You're a terrible person. Actually, you're actually concerned about Paul Verzi. Your first concern is me getting the fuck out of here

so you can watch old fucking chalk teeth there. Pretend like he has a job. I love Paul Verzi. And I don't want him to be waiting around for you. Verzi. Listen to the rhythm of your fucking bullshit. Acting like you care about my friends. You just want me to fucking leave this place

so you can watch those stupid twats. Nene, please tell me why you watch that show. Something, something, something with the mistletoe. I get it. You have a big round ass. Stop greasing it up and putting it on the magazine. I'm sorry. All right.

I'll be back maybe tomorrow and finish this fucking thing up. Jesus Christ. Can you fucking block? We don't have anybody left. All right. I'm going to say that we are, we're going to fuck this game up. This is what's going to happen. They're going to come back.

They're going to make it, what's it, 20 to 6? Yeah, it's going to be 20 to 20. And we're going to have to drive down the fucking field and hopefully kick another long field goal. Jesus Christ. The old spin move. Good lord. He didn't even touch him.

All right. I'll talk to you guys in a minute. Well, you know, it'll be two seconds. All right. Okay. All right. Anyway. So as I was saying, as I was saying, it's still Sunday night.

I just saw the Patriots fucking win. Ended up being 27 to 6. Okay. So I overreacted. You know, what do you want from me? So where did I leave off? I left off with the human cellophane. Right.

I was talking about those fights. I saw the fucking guy. Let me, let me backpedal. Where the hell was I? Gunner Nelson couldn't get the human cellophane. Off him. And then there was the guy who fought the guy who comes in like a spider. And he stuck his face out and got knocked out.

And then he kicked him in the leg and broke his leg. That fucking guy fought. Jesus Christ. I don't think I've ever seen a guy get hit that many times in the head. I thought the fight, I thought the fight was over. I didn't know. I didn't realize that the referee jumped in because the round ended. I mean, he took the, there was like a fucking watching like a Rocky fight.

You know, when you watch a Rocky fight going, dude, there's no way. Anybody could take that many shots to the head. You'd be dead. You'd be on your ass. The fight would be over. This fucking guy took it. I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't ever know the names.

And then the Birkin guy, that fucking Conor McGregor was fighting this Brazilian dude. He's got this crazy scar on this. He's already Brazilian. So you already know he's, he's a fucking nightmare. He's going to take it to the ground. You're fucked. Right. Was he not kicking people in the face?

This guy, he could, this guy can kick your ass. No, man. I don't give a shit. You're sitting in a chair or fucking running down the sidewalk. He's one of those guys. The guy can kick the shit out of you. So I'm thinking, wow, man, this is going to be a fucking unbelievable test for him. He fucking, he just ran right at him.

He bowl rushed him. And Conor did the, oh, right there, Fred. Bam guys. There's a face plan. He took two, uh, judges decisions to the face after that, whatever. They hammer fished. So what, what, is that what they call it? Took the old gavel.

Two hits of the gavel. And that was it. It was fucking over. And, um, I let go of the guy said afterwards. He goes, you know, we got a fight again. That wasn't really a fight. It's like, no, it was a fight. You got knocked out, dude.

You know, that usually indicates that was some sort of a fight. It's not like you, you fucking slipped and fell and he had on a desk. There was no desk in that octagon. That was a, that was his left foot. Um, but Jesus Christ, man. That was fucking amazing. I was actually talking to some of the guys I was watching the fight with. I go, how much tension is going to be in Dana White's house over Christmas?

If Conor McGregor loses to after fucking, uh, what's her face? Lost female, female Tyson, right? Then you're going to have Irish Tyson. If they both go down, then who are you going to, who's going to fucking sell a fuck? You need them the way they talk shit. Do you have much fucking money is sitting in fucking data of mind that's sitting in Dana White's sock drawer right now because you got two fucking

amazing athletes like that who also not a sell a fight. You know what I mean? The other guy won. Now you need to get, now you got a guy who needs a fucking interpreter for me to understand it to sell the goddamn fight. It's over. I don't even like fucking watching movies with subtitles. I got, I got a fucking, I got to deal with the guy that he's got to have a,

you know, he's hyping a fight. I look, I, it's like I'm watching a Senator testifying his fucking lawyer keeps coming over whispering in his ear. I don't want to see that. Right. I don't even know what I'm saying here. Um, anyways, I forgot to tell you guys this shit. I almost forgot this fucking story.

So I've been trying to work out. When, uh, when I've been here two out of three days, I've worked out. Right. So you go to the gym, the first day it's right down the street from my apartment. There's no fucking problems. I walk in the guy behind the counter is cool. There's nobody else there. No manager, just some cool guy.

He goes, Hey, by the way, it's 15 bucks. But if you go on the internet and you look this shit up and only cost you five bucks, I said, dude, I'm old. I suck at the internet. Okay. Just generally speaking, I'm not good at it. He goes, I'm just saying, you know, it's money. I was like, all right, man, I'll, I'll try to find it.

I'll try to find it. I'll come back the next day. I only pay five bucks. So he goes, cool. No problems. No fucking problems. I have a great workout. I fucking throw the weights around.

Classic shit. Comedian. I go to the gym in the middle of the day. It's great. There's nobody fucking there. Okay. Couple of trophy wives on treadmills. You know, fucking looking at their Instagram as they walk fucking half a

mile an hour and then you come walking in and I don't give a fuck what time of day. You walk into a gym. If you have to do chess that day, this, that all the benches are going to be taken up. You know what I mean? Nobody's ever doing squats. You can walk into a gym Saturday.

Fucking Saturday. Like what's, what's a busy like early in the morning when people come in, whatever nine, whatever the fucking the busiest time right after work. Six o'clock at night. Okay. You can walk into a gym. And you can just immediately just start doing squats. Nobody's ever doing, nobody does fucking legs.

Everybody does the bench. So I walk in there. There's five people. They have three benches. There's like five people working out. Three of them are guys fucking bench pressing. God damn console. I got to sit there and pretend like I'm fucking really stretching.

I'm not really stretching. I'm waiting for you to finish. Right. So anyways, that's it. So anyways, that was the first day. So the second day I go to go back and I'm like, God, here we go. You know, I'm going to run to this guy again.

He's going to say, how can we didn't get the fucking thing that only makes you pay five bucks and be like, cause I suck at the internet. Remember? I'll pay 15. I don't give a fuck. Right. And I come showing up. He's not there.

There's some lady there and then this fucking manager buzzing around. Hey, how long you in town for? Would you like to get a membership? Well, I said, no, dude, I just want to work out today. He goes, all right, fill out this form. So it's name, address, phone number, email, all of this shit. So I write down a fake name and I say I'm from Alaska and that's it. Right.

So he goes, no, I'm sorry. So you got to fill out the rest of this where all the addresses. Now, all I had to do was just fill out a fucking fake address, but you know, it's not how I'm wired. I got to make a point. I go, dude, I'm, I'm, I have to give you my home address. He goes, yes, I go, dude, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I'm not going to give him my home address.

I'm not going to tell you where I live so I can work out one day at a gym. And he goes, well, you know, you have to fill it all. I go, why? Why do you need to know where I live? And he hems and haws and I just keep going. Why do you need to know where I live? Okay. It's $15 to work out.

I have the $15. I'm going to give it to you and I'm going to work out at the gym. Why do you need to know where I live? So finally it goes, well, sir, you know, God forbid, if you have some sort of incident happens and we need to get in contact with somebody. I said, so you're telling me that God forbid to use your expression God forbid. I keel over on the elliptical. You're going to, you're not going to dial 911.

You're going to go drive to my house and knock on the door and hope somebody's there. That's what you're going to do. You're not going to do that. You're going to call 911 like everybody else. And he just keeps going, well, you know, what are we going to contact? They say, what the fuck do you care? Who to contact? You know, I just said, look, if you can tell me why I need to put down my home address.

I'll write it down. Other than that, I'll give you a phone number, somebody to call. If something happens to me, but don't call them. They're not a doctor. Call 911. Tell you what? Yeah, that's the deal. Call 911 and here's the number.

You know, if you want to let my wife know where the hell I'm going, that's it. You don't need to know where I live. So the guy finally goes, well, you have to fill it out. I go, why? And he goes, it's protocol. And I go, exactly. You cannot logically defend why you want my home address. You're getting my home address.

So the people in corporate will have that information. They can sell it to other people. Right. So I go, I'm not working out here. Right. So I go to walk away and then the lady behind the desk, she goes, have a nice day, sir. I don't say anything. Keep walking to the other.

She goes, have a nice day, sir. And I turn around and go, I understand sarcasm. You're not telling me to have a nice day. You're telling me to go f myself. I got in the elevator. I know a lot of you guys like, but why do you just fucking you write a fake address? That's what I fuck. You know why?

Because at some point there's got to be some sort of pushback. Somebody has to fucking complain about this shit. When you walk into those places and they go, do you have an ID? Don't ever hand them your ID. You hold it and just say, hey, I'll hold her up. You fucking face. You want to read it? Go ahead and read it.

You're not typing in shit from my ID onto your fucking computer. Every time you put down my name and my address, you've added another layer where I am vulnerable to identity theft. And I'm not going to do that just to go work out at a fucking gym. I'm not having a kidney transplant. You can't. I'm going to go do some fucking pull ups, give you all my fucking information. I don't know. You guys probably think I'm a psycho, right?

I'm not. I'm right. I'm right on this one. There's a lot of other shit. Whatever. This is stupid. Me just sitting here telling you that I'm right. Oh, really, Bill?

Do you agree with yourself? That's amazing. Anyways, what else do I want to say? I have the fucking worst goddamn stupid cab driver today. Fucking jumping this fucking thing, right? We're coming from the premier, right? So, you know, Nia's got her fucking high heels on it. She's not a quitter, so she's keeping those on.

And I'm not going to make her walk with heels on. What am I, a fucking animal? Right? So, we're getting this cab, and we fucking drive down. And this son of a bitch drives right down Fifth Avenue. Fifth Avenue during Christmas, where every mouth-breathing fucking moron wants to stand there, look at the Christmas tree and the people skating. Okay?

And he drives down, and then all of a sudden, you can't make a right. And this guy's acting like he's dumbfounded. He can't fucking believe it. And then he ends up cutting over through fucking Times Square. He did everything but tried to go through the Lincoln Tunnel to drive like fucking ten blocks over. And I was sitting there, I get aggressively exhaling. It's the only way I could put it.

And my wife, she just fell asleep. She just, ah, it's nothing I could do about it. She just took a nice nap, you know? I wish I could be more like that. All right. Anyways, let me, let's start reading. Oh, you know what? I haven't done any advertising for this week, have I?

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By the way, did I mention how much frigging money we raised for all those people? We raised like over 10 grand. All right, now I'm going to throw a nice fucking chunk of change in on top of that. You guys did a wonderful thing and it amazes me, man, that I did this podcast this long and I didn't realize that you could make an impact like that. So you guys were all part of a great thing and I really appreciate how much you guys all stepped up. You were very, very generous, extremely generous. You know, it's not even Christmas yet.

You already did your good deed. So now you know, you can spike the eggnog, you can get hammered, you know, and treat the people in a family like shit, right? Take them for granted. Fuck them, right? That's what they get for showing up. They knew what they were in for. How many Christmases do they got to spend with you before they realized what you're going to be doing? All right, let's read some letters. Hey, this one might be a little short because it's already one in the morning and I got to be on the fucking radio at 7 a.m.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. All right, tool for the egg. Hey, Bill, I've been running an egg for several years now. Your podcast about no smoke on ribs had me captivated. I would suggest my tool to stir up the coals and bring, bring into contact slash smoke and hardwood chip slash chunks. Kind of fucking sentences that I would suggest my tool to stir up the coals and bring into contact. Slash smoke and hardwood chip slash chunks. That's a fucking sent, you know, something I would suggest getting a sentence tool.

How about that? They still make that hooked on phonics and way back in the day. There was a classic stand up reference. Simply purchase a piece of three by 16 by 36 pieces steel from Home Depot. Home Depot place and Ben 90 degrees two inches from the end. Use this to unplug slash stir the coals from the inward vent on the bottom of the egg. Okay, I will utilize this tool during long smoking to invigorate the smoke. This also works to bring air oxygen to the fire to increase the temperature.

Simply poke through several of the fire great holes at the bottom of the egg to increase the air flow. Okay. If you have any issues or just need a pic, just ask the least I can do for your podcast. So why did you fucking send a picture? I got to sift through a thousand fucking emails. No, you know what I did was I layered in some charcoal. Then I had the chips with the chunks of hickory and then I did another layer on top of that. And then I just put in one little fire starter square and I did it from the side.

So it just slowly burned across and down. It was plenty for ribs. But like if I was ever going to do a pork shoulder, you know, you're talking, I don't know how long it depends on how big it is. But it seems on average people that that's like six to 10 hours to God knows what. So that I don't know how I would continue to do that. But I think I would just take it off and I'd lift the great the plate setter and I would just throw the shit in there and then put it back on. I think it would be fine. That's what I would do.

You know what the reality is when I just buy a fucking smoker and be done with it. All right, traveling with girlfriend slash fiance. Hey, Billy Bourdain, I have to disagree with your advice from last week for the guy with the sound engineering job. He said he was a sound engineer in the letter you read out loud. Then later in your response, you mentioned something about building bridges and then again on Twitter just a heads up to this guy is fucking relentless. Some of you guys you're fucking relentless like reprimanded me. All right, so I fucked this fucking thing up. So let me guess.

Okay, I think if he's planning on spit, I like how you think that being a sound engineer, you know, I fucked it up like that's not that's not a quality job. You know what I mean? What do you know what he'd be working in films, right? Isn't that what that job is? Recording bands. That's a fucking great job. And it's a hard, you know, I'm going to look it up right now before I get another fucking. 20 goddamn tweets and emails from you.

Sound engineer. An audio engineer working with technical aspects of sound during the process of recording, mixing and reproduction. Audio engineers often assist record producers and musicians to help give their work to sound they are hoping to achieve. Yeah, that's a fucking badass job that people want to do. All right. Let me get back here. So here we go. I think if he's planning on spending his life with this girl, traveling and having a great time would be a make or break deal for marriage.

She said she wanted to travel a year. Suppose it's only seven months and they go to seven continents, even go to fucking Anarcho. Okay, over the course of a year, they get to bang in seven continents in a year, eat amazing food, see amazing things and pretty much live their lives like it's a movie. You looked at the negative side, which is fair, but also how often do these things happen? I hate to be the guy that didn't take that chance if it were presented. God knows I would. Of course, it all depends on their attitudes and if they're fun people with positive outlooks and good communication, food for thought. Hey, dude, just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I want the negative route.

I was giving him advice from my hat, which is fucking positive. I'm saying he's got a great job that he was nervous about fucking leaving. Those are his words, not mine. And this is another thing too, dude. You're a fucking man. Okay, if you're not making money, it's not like you can make a baby other than dump your jizz in somebody. Women can literally create life. Okay?

You like the butter in the fucking pan. I don't know. Maybe I'm old school. I feel like the man should make a fucking living. You got to come home and you got to make enough money that your woman in your family is fucking comfortable. And if you're doing that, you're a fucking man. All right? If you want to go travel around the world on some woman's fucking dime and leave your career behind for a fucking year,

a critical goddamn year, and have to start all over again, I think that's nuts. I think that's fucking nuts. All right? Agree to disagree. I can tell you this, dude. When I started out doing stand-up, I was doing the shit every single fucking night. Every night I had a singular focus.

What I was trying to do was a job that a lot of people would like to do. So it took a ridiculous level of commitment. And I watched people who didn't fucking travel the world. Didn't even have that fucking option. But I watched people not work at it as hard as they could have. And 20 years later, I see the results of that. So that's all I'm saying with this guy. To, you know, to put play before work is just not how I'm wired.

You know what I mean? You're making it seem like this guy, if he takes the sound engineering job, will never have the money or never have the option to go around and travel the world. I don't know. I just feel like, as me personally, if I was going to travel the world, it's got to be on my fucking dime. Okay? And my life has to be in a place where I can leave it for a fucking year.

If I'm just getting started in a career, and I'm just starting to push that fucking rock up the hill, and I'm going to go fucking leave and play footsie with some chick, even if she's going to be the chick I'm going to fucking marry for an entire goddamn year, then I'm going to come back and start all over again. I would be going out of my fucking mind. I have to be honest with you, too. As much as I've traveled, there's always a point,

and it's usually anywhere between seven to 10 days into the trip, where I just want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to be fucking, you know, hanging out with my dog. And not to mention that, I love being a comedian. I want to do some shows. It's fun. So agree to disagree, sir.

Agree to disagree. All right? Food for thought. Ugh. Did you type that wearing a sweater with candles on in the background? Candles on. Candles lit? Okay.

He said, and go to Cape Carpe yourself. Carpe? I don't know what it is. Go seize yourself like Carpe Diem. Okay. Go Carpe. Okay. I just can't bear to have you not get the reference and help someone writes in about it next week.

Sorry. Thanks. Oh, go Carpe yourself. Oh, I thought I said go to Carpe. Go Carpe yourself. Carpe Diem. Yeah. See, I love how seize the day is just fuck off to your life and go travel around the

world and like seize the day isn't like, you know what? I've made inroads in this really difficult line of work and I'm going to stick with this. Dude, I fucking, you know, something I started out with comics who did that and stayed home with their family and watch the fucking Patriots game instead of going out and going through in a hell gig. I'm telling you, it all fucking matters. It all matters. Hey, what would I know?

What the fuck do I know? You know, I did it the way I did it. I'm not, I'm not fucking traveling the world on somebody else's inheritance. What kind of a fucking bum am I? I'm not fucking doing that. What am I, you know what? I'll do that. If you give me a pair of fucking gold digging pumps and I'll fucking walk the rock around

in those all goddamn year. I'm going to travel the world. I'm fucking paying for it. I think that says something about you too. If you feel like you, you know, you don't have any problem going around the fucking world on somebody else's dime. I want to earn it. All right.

Face of sponsorship. Billy Butterworth, would you ever do a major sponsorship for a big brand? What are your thoughts on the following? Coke, Pepsi, Chili, Sizzler, Wilson, Tennis Rackets, or I guess I'm doing it right now. Would I, I mean, it's more would they, I mean, how long would it last? I mean, I can't even get these fucking jerk off podcast advertisers to stick with me. They're so fucking dumb. They don't realize that if I fuck around and I curse and I be a fucking idiot, you guys

actually will listen to it. My philosophy is just because I'm reading advertising doesn't mean the show stops. If the show stops and you just pass, you just fast forward through it. It's so fucking simple. They're such idiots. Don't say that about our product. People can start believing it. Like, like you guys actually take anything that I say seriously.

Um, anyways, plowing ahead here, girl quit job. Lady, this lady quit her job and traveled the world. Um, all right, here we go. My girl quit. Wait, my girl comes home. Why did I feel like there was something else in here? Did I miss one of these things? Maybe not.

My girl comes home early the other day and tells me she quit her job. I work full time in a metal shop. Jesus Christ. What are you, a blacksmith? And I go to school full time for engineering. We also have two beautiful kids. We cannot afford our houses, our house, cars, et cetera, without her working. And she acts like I'm a bad guy when I say, when I get on her about it.

Oh, Jesus. I don't know what I should do. I'm thinking of leaving her because this is not the first time she's done this. And in the total seven years we've been together, she's worked about two and a half, two and a half years of around 10 jobs. Wait, she has worked about two and a half years of around 10 jobs. I mean, and I'm guessing you're saying she's had 10 jobs and collectively worked two and a half years. Can't take the financial stress anymore. What's your advice?

First thing I would do I downsize your life. Just be like, all right, well, look, if you're not going to work, then we got, we got to do something here. That's incredibly selfish and look, she obviously doesn't want to work. She wants to be at home. She wants to be with the kids. So you need to make enough money to basically, you know, treat her like a third kid. So your lifestyle is going to have to go down then. If that's what you, I would just sit down and be like, can I ask you a question?

Do you want to just stay home and be with the kids? You know, and let her fucking flip out and scream and yell and all that and just don't lose your cool. Just say to her, is that what you want? Okay. Because I need to know that. Okay. So I don't keep thinking that, that we're going to be dual income and making financial decisions that way. I can already tell you right now, dude, that the fact that you're working full time and she's working full time.

And if the second she fucking quits, you're fucked. You guys are living beyond your lifestyle, beyond your means. You shouldn't be living like that. So you're basically the two of you guys are spending all the money that you're making. That's, that's no way to live. All right. You need to be, you need, you need to downsize your life is basically it. I would drive, you know, use Toyota or a Honda, those fucking things never die.

I'd get one of those. I downsize and then, you know, I mean, I don't think you just quit on a relationship and walk out on two kids. But the stress has to be fucking brutal. And if she's being a fucking baby about it, you know, that's, you know, this is one of these fucking things that, you know, be a nice change on one of those chick shows, you know, a four broad sit around fucking talking about women stuff. They never talk about this type of shit because this is probably be considered sexist. If you brought it up, that's a hell of a fucking thing for her to be doing to you. I would just, you just got to lay it on the line.

Just sit her down and just say, listen, is this what you want to do? I need to know that because I'm not going through this again. All right. And I would just say you've had 10 jobs in the last seven years and you've worked collectively, collectively about two and a half of those seven years. Okay. When you quit a job like that, just quit a job and have no other job. It puts unbelievable stress on me and it's not fair to me. Okay.

So I need to know, do you not want to work? Do you just want to stay home with the kids? Because if you do, we're going to have to downsize our lives dramatically. If you want to keep living like this, you need to get a job. All right. And if she flips out about that type of thing, I mean, that's a tough one. I guess I would be like, when she flipped out, be like, all right, you know something screaming yell and get it out of your system, but you have 48 hours to sit down with me and discuss this like an adult and cut a plan.

Okay. Or I need to make a decision. Because I'm not going to, I'm not going to live my life with this level of financial stress. Something along those lines because I'll tell you what she's doing to you is unbelievably immature and fucking selfish. When you need dual income and you got two kids at home, you just don't quit a fucking job. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. What if you did that?

You know what I mean? I'm telling you this right here. When that fucking guy was sitting there talking, that guy saying like, oh, you should fucking leave your job and go travel around the fucking planet. This is why you don't do that. What you're doing, sir, busting your ass, trying to get ahead. That's what you do when you're fucking young. Okay. It makes your life a hell of a lot of fucking easier as you get older.

Okay. Because the older you fucking get, you got to be somewhere. You know what I mean? They want to hire young people, generally fucking speaking. You have to be at a certain place by a certain fucking age. Generally speaking, are they not going to give you a shot? Okay. It's like that old fucking thing about the fucking, what was it?

What was it? Those two animals. One of them was storing away food. The other one was running around like a fucking jerk off and then the storm finally hits and the ants fucking eating and then the turtles beat the hair. However, the fucking story goes. I got to tell you this, you know, I sacrificed a lot to get where I'm at and I missed out on a lot of shit, but the shit that I on the back end that I ended up getting to do. Okay. You know, there was a whole bunch of stuff that I missed.

Socially, just fun stuff, so-called regular shit that I missed because, and I slept on a futon. Like I've told you a zillion times till I was about 36, 37 years old. All right. But the outside of that was I got to perform at Madison Square Garden. I got to fucking play drums with slash and duff and guns and roses. You know what I mean? That's fucking insane. But you got to be willing to stay on the fucking futon till you're pushing 40 and laying there in the loneliness of that with the fucking voices creeping in your head of doubt.

And you have to beat those things down as they're telling you, did I did I make a horrible fucking mistake? So what you're doing sir, you're working full time and you're going to school full time for engineering. Okay. If your fucking wife, no offense, could just fucking ride it out for a couple of fucking years. All right. Until you get your engineering degree, you get on your fucking feet. This is what old school couples used to do. Okay.

They worked more as a fucking team because generally speaking, divorce was looked down upon and they always try to make it look like. And there was all these women getting beaten and they just stayed in there like every fucking woman was getting the shit slapped out of her. All right. I'm not saying there wasn't women getting fucking, you know, the shit kicked out of them. All right. But there's a lot of fucking people to just throw in the fucking towel because it's hard and then you're going to get with somebody else on what it's going to be fucking easy. It is hard. But this is this is like some shit.

You need to iron this out and she needs to get her fucking head screwed on straight and realize that she's got his fucking support you by keeping up her end of the bullshit while you become an engineer. And then you move up the fucking ladder and at some point she's going to get what I think she wants, which is what she's going to get to stay home alone. Yeah. Can you come over just help me finish off this podcast? I know you don't want to. Your shoulders really just slumped. I'll read this really quickly. I know you're tired.

Nia, we're all tired. Are you going to sit there like I'm going to scold you like a little kid? No, I'm just tired. I know it's 1.15 in the morning. All right. This guy, his girl comes home. It's not even your wife. No, but you got two kids.

My girl comes home early the other day and she tells me she quit a job. I work full time in a metal shop and I'm going to engineering school. I'm going to school full time for engineering. We also have two beautiful kids. We cannot afford our houses and our cars, etc. Without her working and she acts like I'm a bad guy when I say when I get on her about it. I don't know why I should do. I'm thinking of leaving her because this is not the first time she's done this and the total of seven years we've been together.

She's worked about two and a half of those years and had about 10 different jobs. I can't take the financial stress anymore. What's your advice? Yeah, I mean, I think you should definitely talk to her about it. And if you feel like she's not pulling her weight in your situation, then that's a problem. So, yeah, it's stressful. If he's carrying the burden, they have like two kids and whatever. I mean, is she just lying around the house all day?

I mean, is she at least, you know, taking care of the kids and make sure they have lunches and all that stuff? Or is it just all falling on him? You know, that's really... Yeah, well, they need the money. All right, so I'm all right. Okay, so... If that's what their financial situation is, where they both need to be working, then they both need to be working. But I don't know how leaving her is going to alleviate the financial strain.

No, he's got kids. He's fucked. And then she's going to bleed him dry because she'll be pissed, I think. Yeah, I don't know. But yeah, she needs to get it together. I'm sorry, Nia. All right. I'm not going to be good if you ask me to do it and I'm not in the mood to do it.

All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. All right. Sorry. I should have known better. When I asked her, she just literally came out of the bedroom to grab something.

She's just going back to going to sleep. I'm like, oh, you want to answer a fucking podcast question? You see the instincts I have people? All right. Listen, F is for Family comes out this Friday, December 18th for the love of God. Please sit down and binge watch it. I know all you Star Wars fans want to go see that fucking movie. When you're done seeing that movie, can you please watch my show?

I really appreciate it. All right. That's the podcast for Monday. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit and I'll talk. I'll check it out. Yeah. On Thursday.

Okay. Thanks for watching. We'll be back in the next video. Goodbye. Bye. Bye.