Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-14-20
Episode Date: December 14, 2020Bill rambles about ordering etiquette, crying, and tea shit talkers....
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.
For Monday? Monday? Yeah, Monday!
December 14th, 2020, what's going on? How are ya?
Oh my God, there's only fucking, I don't know, 12, 13, 11.
11? No. There's 10 more shopping days till Christmas. God, that took me a long time to figure that out.
10 more, there's only 10 more days to shop.
Can you fucking believe there's people out there, other than children, actually asking for something for Christmas this year?
What would you like for Christmas?
For this fucking pandemic to be over, so everybody can go back to work, earn a wage, and feel like they're going to be alright over the next fucking two weeks.
What would you like?
Well, I was watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and they had this chocolate-colored whorebag that I just, to die for.
It just brought out Kim's eyes, and I feel if I get it in some small way, I'm as pretty as her.
The fuck is wrong with people? You know there's broads out there right now?
Oh, there's a whole bunch of them. They actually got the fucking balls to ask for a ring for Christmas.
It's like, well, do you want me to fucking make it?
You know, I'll go take one of those fucking shower curtain rings off the thing, you know, if I'll stick it on your thumb.
Yeah, people, I should have said this like six weeks, eight weeks ago.
What do you want for Christmas? I don't need anything. Okay, let's get the kids something if we don't have any kids.
Let's just go to the fucking Olive Garden. I'm sorry, order out, or sit outside.
You know, next in our car with the sunroof closed.
That's Christmas caroling with masks on.
Yeah, but you know what? The vaccine is here, and I understand that a lot of people don't want to take it. I get it.
I get it. I understand that. You know, especially, let's see here. Let's see, government.
All right, see if I can do this right.
Oh, the Tuskegee study. Tuskegee, sorry. It's called the Tuskegee study of untreated syphilis in the Negro male.
That was the name of the study.
The study initially involved 600 black men, 399 with syphilis, 201 who did not have it. They just gave it to them.
So I understand them not wanting to take. I understand if you're a fucking serial killer, a fucking white person.
Why don't I just say I'm a conspiracy theorist, not a serial killer.
All right, here we go. The study began, study begins.
In 1932, the public health service working with the Tuskegee Institute began a study to record the natural history of syphilis in hopes of justifying treatment programs for blacks.
It was called the Tuskegee study of untreated syphilis in the Negro male.
The study involved 600 black men, 399 with syphilis, 201 who did not have the disease.
The study was conducted without the benefit of the patient's informed consent.
Researchers told the men that they were being treated for bad blood, a local term used to describe several ailments including syphilis, anemia, and fatigue.
In truth, they did not receive the proper treatment needed to cure their illness.
In exchange for taking part in the study, the men received free medical exams, free meals, and burial insurance.
Oh my God.
Although originally projected to last six months, the study actually went on for 40 years.
What went wrong?
July 1972, an associated press story about the Tuskegee study caused a public health outcry that led to the assistant secretary for health and scientific affairs to appoint the ad hoc advisory panel to review the study.
The panel had nine members from the fields of medicine, law and labor, the panel found that the men had agreed freely to be examined and treated.
However, there was no evidence that the researchers had informed them. Nobody said I want that shit.
Alright, so I get black people not doing it.
And I understand white people who are into conspiracy theory or worked in the military, not trusting the government.
I understand that.
But if you're a perfectly good middle class fucking white guy like me, you fucking sign me up.
You know what guys? I'll take the hit.
And all you got to do is just listen to the podcast every week.
And if I start sounding a little droopy, a little syphilis-y or some whatever the fuck they might do, then you know it's not good.
Alright, maybe I'll have a safe word.
I don't know. We shall see.
But getting back to the other shit, you know, people asking for big gifts, ladies.
People asking for big gifts, women.
People, the people out there asking for big gifts.
Females.
Yeah, what are you doing?
It's unbelievable. You know what I mean?
I swear to God, you get a woman in your life, she immediately becomes bum Phillips and you become Earl Campbell.
You can have a few good years, but when five, she's going to run you into the fucking ground if you let her.
Alright, I got a little promotion here.
Tim Jones from one of my favorite bands, L.A. Bands, but then even though they're not L.A.
But the bands that I saw out here in L.A. from Truth and Salvage Company, which I believe they might be on hiatus right now.
Tim Jones and...
And what the fuck did I write here?
Oh, and this other musician named Leroy.
I couldn't figure out what his last name was, who does all the Wheeler Walker Junior stuff.
They have a triple vinyl startup release going on right now.
I'll send you the link.
I guess they call it Roots Music.
I just call it Good Music. You should check it out.
Triple vinyl, they made three albums coming up of great music.
They have a startup right now where you can go out, help them out, buy the albums and all that.
You should check it out. If you like Truth and Salvage Company, this is one of the dudes from that band.
That was probably one of the worst promos ever.
Tim, if you hear this, I apologize. I'll do a better job next time.
Okay, that's it.
Now, with that horrific promo, let's talk about this amazing, amazing douche.
I'm going to start a new segment on here called Amazing Douche.
What's an amazing douche?
Well, I'll tell you.
It's when you meet somebody and they push through being a douche.
Just like the average douche.
Really? You're going to pass me on the right on the fucking highway doing 80?
It's kind of a con—but we'll call them a douche just so this works, right?
An amazing douche is such a douche that you're not even mad at them.
You just start watching. You're fascinated by the behavior.
Like, how could you be that big of a douche and not even be aware of it?
I mean, that is goddamn—that is amazing.
That there is an amazing douche there. Did I explain it enough?
Me and my wife, we were driving around.
I can't even remember what the hell we were doing.
We were just driving around, maybe trying to make my son go to sleep or something.
So, we ended up going into this vegan restaurant.
It was funny. We went in there and I was all about it.
I'm like, alright, I've been eating—I think I ate a whole fucking cougar when I was in Mountain Line.
I can't say cougar anymore, right? I mean, some old brud.
Trying to get some dick there.
I ate a whole fucking Mountain Line.
Barbecued Mountain Line when I was in Texas and I was like, alright,
I probably could use some sort of salad here, right?
Some sort of greens. Some sort of Brussels sprouts or whatever.
So, I walk in there. And the second I walk in, there's just too many colors in there.
You know what I mean? Like the menu is just too fucking bright.
Too many pinks, too many pastels.
And I'm like, I feel like I'm in a fucking ice cream parlor right now.
And not a good one either. One of those chain restaurant ones, you know?
Like, what's the one with all the different flavors?
Those fucking ice cream ones stink.
The ones that have like nine million flavors, those things always suck.
The same way as you go to a beer and it's like, we have fucking...
You go to a bar. Sorry, you go to a bar. We got 900 beers on tap.
Oh, do you? Do you?
Alright, well, I don't want to get the one that nobody's fucking drinking that's just been sitting there all stale.
Actually, we run a bar and it's been really difficult during COVID.
And just so you know, just so you know, we make sure that everything's a certain level of fresh.
Or else we go get another keg. Sorry, whatever.
I just never had, you know, you're just trying to do too much.
So I walk in there and I'm just like, this is one of these vegan places where people think they're eating vegan.
And they are.
But vegan is also eaten like potato chips.
Right? Isn't it?
Unless there's some sort of oil from a duck that they fried it in.
But you know what I mean?
It's like, this is one of these vegetarian places where you eat there every day.
And then you go to your therapist on Thursday every week going like, I don't understand why I'm such a fat fuck.
It's because you're eating at a vegan place with one of those fuck.
It's like a fast food place, but it's vegan, right?
So we walk in there and I forget what my wife ordered.
She ordered some sort of BLT, you know, that wasn't, wasn't bacon or something, right?
And I go, okay, I'll get you that.
She goes, what are you getting?
And I was like, I'm not getting anything.
She's like, what do you mean I get anything?
I thought you got to get something.
I was just like, I just don't like the color of the menu.
It's too, it looks like cotton candy, the pink background and shit.
Like what are you trying to do here?
Rich, we all know when you go into a vegan restaurant, everything should be green and brown.
They always have like earth tones.
When you go in there and it looks like the fucking Bowenkel show.
That's when I just start going, all right, this, this isn't good.
Not saying the ones that have green signs are good either.
Because God knows, you know, corporations try to do that.
Like, like the, you know, they change their signs, like BP petroleum.
All of a sudden it looks like, are you guys selling corn?
Is this like a mom and pop farm?
I could have sworn you guys was selling gas and oil here.
All right, sorry, I'm getting off the track here.
So as I'm saying that the guy in front of us, the amazing douche with his girlfriend, right?
Or whatever, whatever.
I hope it's just his girlfriend.
I hope this woman didn't marry this amazing douche.
He's just doing like, you can't even believe the level of small talk he's doing.
You know, it's just like, so like, how many flavors?
I'm just so excited to be in here right now.
This is like my favorite restaurant.
Like, this is a guy.
Like, what do you have?
Like, okay, could I get this?
And could I get this sauce?
I just love all your sauces.
Could I get this too?
What I'm trying to do is build like a mountain of flavors here is what I'm trying to do.
He's just sitting there.
This is a man talking.
It sounded like you ever get behind a couple of women checking into a hotel?
If you're ever behind two women checking into a hotel, just immediately go to your phone
and start answering emails because you're not going to talk to the person behind the desk
for at least 12 minutes.
So what floor is the gym on?
Now that breakfast, is it a continental breakfast?
It's just, okay, it's just, it's just continental.
You okay with that?
Do you have a waffle maker?
You do.
You do have a waffle maker.
We shouldn't do it like every day.
It's like maybe like two days to do.
Okay, what about the rooftop bar?
And they just fucking need to know everything.
Just get to you, get a key, go to your room and shut your mouth.
I don't do it.
They got a million fucking questions.
Well, this guy, I understand, I understand why they do it.
See, a man has a clock in his fucking head.
There's only so long I can keep going or else somebody's going to punch me in the fucking head.
They're going to punch me in the face because it's okay.
If a woman gets punched in the face, she was, she was assaulted.
If I get punched in the face, it just means I got my ass kicked.
So every guy has a clock in his head going like, I can only ask so many fucking questions.
Where floor is the gym on?
All right.
Is it a good gym?
All right.
That means it sucks.
All right.
Thank you.
Can I have my keys?
How late is room service?
You're saying that as you're walking away from the desk, you know, or peripherally looking
at the person behind you, making sure they're not going to punch you in the head, even though
that never happened to me.
I think that shit.
I think that shit when I'm at an ATM and there's somebody behind me.
I got to get going.
I got to get going or this guy's going to punch me in the head.
I don't know.
I don't know why I think that maybe because I don't know the brother.
I have no idea.
I fucking drive out of a parking garage.
I make sure I got that thing ready, ready to go.
Stick the fucking ticket in.
I'm ready to go.
Boom.
Light turns green.
I'm way out in the intersection, ready to make a left, making sure not only the guy behind
me, the person behind me too is going to make that light.
All right.
Sorry.
It's a lot of stress.
So anyways, this fucking guy is acting like a woman checking in at a hotel with their best
friend.
Okay.
And he says, I'm just trying to build like a mountain of flavors because I'm like so
excited and the fucking look at my wife's face, looking at this guy because it was just
what he wasn't, he wasn't that person.
He just knew that it was fake and he was just an ingratiating cunt.
And he was just, oh my God.
And Jesus, I'm just so excited.
And what did he say?
He goes, this is like, this is just guilt-free eating is something else he said.
He looked like Judge Reinhold.
All right.
And he was just fucking, and he was a little mushy too.
And it's just, this is like guilt-free eating.
He just kept running his fucking yap.
And it was just like, would you just fucking order and stand to the right and let progress
happen.
And he just kept talking.
And the only thing that was keeping me sane other than I'm learning to breathe through
times like this is just looking at the look on my wife's face where she's just looking
at this guy like going, you phony, full of shit, and what I'm not going to say, amazing
douche, right?
So then, I don't know what, he was still, me and my wife, well, I go up and I order
for my wife, then we sit down and he goes back up to the counter.
He's still running his yap.
His girlfriend's barely talking, right?
Occasionally she says something, but you can just see like her life, like how much this
guy is to deal with.
And that's, that's saying a lot coming from me.
So he goes back up there and he just goes, I just want to say like, you are, you are
like, amazing.
I mean, I mean, I love this restaurant.
I come in here all the time and it's always amazing, but it's never been to like this
level of awesomeness, right?
Okay.
So that's the guy he's pretending to be.
And then the greatest thing happens is my wife's order comes out before his.
All right.
Cause he ordered a mountain of flavor, right?
She just ordered the BLT.
And when the second it registers with the amazing douche that somebody behind him got
their food before him, he out loud is going like, how come they got their food before
us?
I mean, we were here before them immediately became that fucking guy.
That's right.
That's who the fuck you are.
Not all that other fucking mountain of flavor, this level of awesomeness.
You're just an ingratiating cunt.
And as we walked out, I said to my wife, I was like, did you hear that?
Did you hear him bitching?
And she was like, he said that.
I go, yeah.
I go, let me tell you something.
That's who the fuck that guy is.
What you just saw right there is the future head of a network.
I was literally, that's that right there is what it's like to pitch a show.
Hey, how are you?
This is so great.
We love it.
We love what you're doing.
We love what you're doing on stage.
Edgy, we want edgy.
Let's push the boundaries.
Let's push the boundaries.
And then you get in business with them.
They're like, does he really have to say bitch right here?
Can he just say woman?
Well, that's not who this guy is.
I know, but we have a lot of female viewers.
What happened to the person in the meeting?
Huh?
Oh, I got my order before you.
That's what the fuck you were a fucking ingratiating cunt.
Maybe that's what is ingratiating cunt.
Amazing douche.
You know, whatever you want to call them when they do the flip, like an Oscar winning performance,
you know, like what was what was the one Ed Norton had back in the day when he was his
sweetheart of a young man and they were like, how did this guy do this?
Blah, blah, blah.
And then all of a sudden he just does.
He does the flip in the end.
It's just like, whoa, who is that cold hearted ice cold lunatic?
I don't know.
Have I done the same thing?
I don't know.
I think I am a consistent douche.
All right, which I don't have a problem with your consistent douche.
You are who you are.
I mean, it's not fun to be around, but you know, listen, as much as of an asshole as I am,
you'd never have to listen to me say a mountain of flavor or ever say this level of awesomeness.
I will tell you this, the woman behind the counter was eating it up.
She was vegan putty in his hand.
Oh my God.
Anyway, plowing ahead.
Let's talk a little bit of football.
Oh, I didn't talk, oh, Billy Redface.
I was in the, I'm in the Mandalorian this week.
I forgot to bring that up.
All right.
Because they told me to keep my freckled yaps shut until my episode came out.
So yes, this week.
If you want to see, if you want to see my dumb head in the Star Wars universe, as they say, I am in episode, I guess it's 15.
As far as the Mandalorian ones in it, as far as season two, it's episode seven.
So I am in that.
And I want to thank everybody that watched it and said all those nice things about my performance.
I want to thank Rick family for writing it and directing it and being one of the great badasses I've ever met in this business and John Favreau and everybody over there.
All the actors I worked with everybody, everybody over there.
It's, it's, it came out great.
I watched, I watched half of it.
My wife was watching it.
She goes, come on in here.
It's like, I'm not, I'm not going to watch this.
And then I heard her laughing and enjoying it.
And then there was one scene I wanted to sit down to see how it came out this scene where I sit down with this guy.
I used to work for my character used to work for.
I just wanted to see how that came out.
But I was very happy with it.
So I want to thank those guys and everybody who said all the nice things that you did.
That was pretty cool.
Not going to lie to you.
It was very cool.
All right, let's talk football here.
Where are we here?
Oh my God, I got to talk.
I didn't talk about this because it happened on Thursday.
The New England Patriots against the Los Angeles Rams.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
The New England Patriots were trying to do something that I don't know if any team has ever done.
And you only have the opportunity back in the day, you only had the opportunity to do it in giant stadium or met life stadium, whatever they say, whatever they call it.
The Patriots had the opportunity to win two games in the same stadium against two different teams within four days on the road.
Because they played the San Diego charges on Sunday.
Absolutely destroyed him 45 to nothing.
And then four days later, we would we didn't even go home.
No, the Patriots didn't go home to one of the saddest things about the pandemic because I could have gone to back to back Patriots games in Los Angeles.
They were playing your Los Angeles Rams four days later.
We could have if we beat the Rams, I was going to say I don't think that it had ever happened that a road team won two games in four fucking days against two different teams while on the road.
You can only do it.
And whatever the fuck they're calling the Rams and Chargers Stadium and whatever they call the Giants Jets Stadium now.
We had the opportunity.
It was right there and we got our asses by the Los Angeles Rams.
I mean, we could not do anything offensively.
Our defense played fine considering they were on the field for like 75% of the game.
But Jesus Christ, we could not get anything going.
The Rams look great.
It did annoy me when I was watching the game when they were trying to say like, well, they got their their revenge for the Super Bowl.
It's like, no, you know, why don't do that to the Rams?
They're not satisfied with that.
They want to win the Super Bowl.
They're not just happy to beat the Patriots in fucking December.
What are you saying about your own team?
And also not to mention all the fucking nobody's so many people are gone from that game.
Anyways, it's a completely different Patriots team.
You know, I mean, it's like if you're beating the Seattle Seahawks now.
That doesn't have all those same fucking people on it, right?
Marshawn Lynch and, you know, don't even throw it my way.
If you throw it my way, you're gonna have problems.
Whatever that guy's name was who plays on the fucking 49ers now.
Yeah, it's a different team.
All right.
Anyway, we got fucking destroyed.
We got absolutely destroyed.
I kind of just was watching that game with like one hand over my eye going like, wow.
But we, you know, we do have that white dude with the blonde hair, the Polish kid there, whatever his name is.
He seems to be, you know, there's little bright lights to the future.
I don't know. We shall see.
But that was a tough one.
That was a tough one.
Having said that, I do really like our uniforms.
It's my favorite uniform the Patriots have had since they left the old Pat Patriot one.
Now, which to this day, anytime they wear that one in the throwbacks and I see those uniforms, I have like heart palpitations because it reminds me of brutal losses in big games or getting fucked over on calls,
against the Oakland Raiders who still whine about the tuck rule, not realizing that was that that was payback for us getting fucked the year that they won the Super Bowl.
All right.
So tell you what, we'll give you the 2001 fucking Super Bowl trophy.
If you give us the 1976 one, how about that?
We'll just we'll do an even swap, even fucking swap.
But no one you dirty bastard, you probably didn't polish your trophy.
You can keep it.
All right.
Let's go around the league really quickly.
Seattle absolutely kills the New York Jets.
One of those games where you're like, how in the fuck did I not bet the Seattle Seahawks going up against the hapless New York Jets?
Those poor bastards, man.
I think I really hate to say this, but I think their chance to win a game was against the Raiders.
The Raiders.
What's going on with the fucking the NFC East?
All of a sudden, everybody's winning.
Washington beat the 49ers, but they're injured.
Eagles beat the Drew Brees less New Orleans Saints.
That's crazy.
Your buffalo bills, your buffalo bills beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.
And I can tell you right now, I know that they're fucking excited right now in Buffalo.
Then I don't want to be a fucking, you know, wet blanket on the party out there.
But I went back when my team was good last year, all the way back 20 years, 20 straight years.
I used to love losing games like that.
You want to lose the game to the team, you're then going to see in a month in the playoffs.
Because for some reason, then it flips.
So I'd like the Steelers last night.
I thought that they were going to win the game.
I'm a big Ben Rothless Berger fan.
I came to say his fucking name.
You know, my only complaint about the Steelers in the past is I feel like they don't make half-time adjustments.
It's like they come in, this is what we're doing.
And even if they're losing, they come out.
Well, we're still doing it.
Okay.
Because they were the Steelers.
Okay.
Every 30 years, we'll change a head coach.
So we're not changing our game plan in half-time.
They just vary this.
It's a stoic franchise.
But having said that, they've won six Super Bowls, so you've got to respect it.
But the Buffalo Bills beat the Pittsburgh Steelers to get within a game.
The Pittsburgh Steelers, the Chiefs keep on winning.
There was a few things that were said yesterday.
There's always a few things.
I know that they're hyping up certain aspects of it because they've got to sell the game.
Like, I've never seen an offense like the Kansas City Chiefs.
I've never seen an offense like this.
It's like, yes, you have.
I have.
I've seen an offense like that.
I've seen better offenses than that throughout 40 years of watching football.
Stop acting like this is the greatest fucking offense.
I get it.
I'm going to watch the game.
Do I really have to go through all the great fucking offenses that I saw?
Really, you think the Kansas City Chiefs was better than fucking Dan Marino, Mark Dooper,
and Mark Clayton in fucking 1984?
Or they absolutely shattered the record books back when you could beat the living shit out
of a fucking wide receiver, and they didn't even have a running game.
Jesus Christ.
Better than Joe Montana and Jerry Rice with Roger Craig.
Better than that.
Better than Ronnie Lott and all those fucking Hall of Famers on defense, giving Joe the
ball back every third and out.
Never seen an offense like the Kansas City Chiefs.
Greatest show on turf.
Kurt Warner Holt and all of those guy, you know, Marshall Faulk.
I've never seen the three headed monster, Edger and James Pate Manning, that guy who
may or may not have murdered somebody.
2008, the fucking New England Patriots, Tom Brady with all those weapons, and then they
get Randy Moss.
I've never seen an offense as great as this Kansas City.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Take it down a little.
It's fucking insulting to anybody who's watched the goddamn game for longer than fucking 18
months.
I've never seen an offense like this.
Jesus Christ.
Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swan and John Stallworth.
They had two fucking Hall of Fame.
You know, I'm not saying Tyreek Hill, Kelsey and Kevin Vaughn, Eric, whatever they have
to, Hillel Air or whatever the fuck is named, Clyde Eugene, Abdul Jabbar, whatever that running
back is.
I'm not saying they're not doing great things, but the greatest offense you've ever seen,
let's take it down a little bit.
And not to mention, all of the offenses that I just mentioned, we're playing during a time,
in the NFL going, well, we've reached maximum density as far as sports fans.
Let's try to get the casual fan and make even looking at a wide receiver pass interference
for a few years.
And if you don't believe me with that, just look at the all time passing records and see
how many active quarterbacks slash quarterbacks who played in the last 25 years are in the
top 20.
And then go to running backs.
Running backs is ridiculous.
You got Frank Gore and that guy who beat his kid with that stick, used to play for the
Vikings.
I'm sorry.
I'm not going with the names, but I'm going with the content.
The guy, they say maybe murdered somebody.
This guy beat his kid with the switch.
They're liking like the top five.
And then there's just a total drop off.
You don't see anybody else.
There's like one or two guys in like the top 30 rushing all time that are still active
because they just don't run the ball the way they used to.
I actually think there's going to be running backs that will in the future have more receiving
yards than someone who was a questionable Hall of Fame wide receiver.
That's how much the game has changed.
Anyway, speaking of that, how much the game has changed?
I am so every year, they got to bring up the 17 and Oh fucking Miami Dolphins, the undefeated
team.
And that is such a stupid fucking.
It's like, when are you going to just put like an asterisk next to that?
So 14 games season.
They only had to win 17 games.
So nowadays for the Pittsburgh Steelers to have beaten the 72 dolphins to beat their record,
they have to go 19 and Oh, they have to win two more fucking games.
Do you remember the Roger Maris thing when Roger Maris, you know, hit his 61st home run or whatever
and they put an asterisk next to it and everybody went, Oh boohoo.
They should have.
He played in more games.
There were more games in the regular season than there was in, you know, when Babe Ruth played,
I still think OJ Simpson in 1973 had the greatest year or running back has ever had.
Where he rushed for 2003 yards or whatever in a 14 game season.
And now these kids come along.
They got 16 games to do what the fuck they did.
So this whole, you know, 17 Oh dolphins thing where I just every year have to be like, yeah,
if they played two more extra regular season games, they automatically would have won those.
You know, I don't know.
I don't know.
And then also the fact that they celebrate anybody who celebrates other people losing.
It's just like, I don't know, as like a professional athlete to sit there and root against people
because you just want to hold on to your fucking records.
That's not what old people are supposed to do.
You're supposed to encourage the next generation.
You're supposed to want them to be better than you because we're human beings and we're incredibly flawed.
Right.
So take what I did that worked and then you've tried to fix what didn't work.
That's what you're supposed to do.
I don't know.
That would be like now if somebody of a comedian got credit because, you know,
you've just broken George Carlin's record for, you know, putting out hour long specials.
It's amazing.
I mean, to just be in the same sentence as George Carlin.
It's just like, it's not the same game.
George Carlin, HBO, like would have to, would tell you that they wanted,
like you couldn't just say, Hey, man, I'm doing a fucking special.
You didn't have all these streaming platforms or you could just put it out yourself.
There was only a handful of people that would even get special.
So the fact that he did what he did, someone's going to break the record.
I don't know.
Sorry, I'm just running my app.
I have, I got a lot of shit to talk about.
You know what I did?
I meditated last night before I went to bed because I'm really starting to believe in
this whole, I don't know, like, I don't even know what it is.
I haven't even read about it.
I just, I just think you damage your brain if you don't blow out the lines every once
in a while, meditate and get eight hours sleep, the stuff that people are talking about.
So I actually downloaded an app and one of the great comedies you'll ever see is me
downloading a meditation app, downloading something that's supposed to help me relax.
And then I get it and immediately it asked me all of these fucking super fucking intrusive
questions about how I found them out.
I got to take a fucking survey first.
Like this is making my blood pressure go up and then I got to create an account.
And then once I get through all of that fucking bullshit.
All right, then I got to listen to this guy running his yap about his fucking past and
how he used to be a lunatic and he did this and he did that.
But I will give it up to this guy that he kind of got to it quickly and I don't know,
he was just sort of, I was able to like meditate and like make sure that I got like eight hours
sleep because I knew I was in a grumpy mood because I'd started to watch a movie last
night that I've been trying to watch this French movie, which I highly recommend.
I'm watching it on Amazon Prime.
It's called, it's, I don't know how to say it.
It's like a prophet.
I don't know how to say it, but it's just a profit.
But you want to make sure you watch this fucking move, but I'm not going to lie to you.
This is like Midnight Express type of movie where I watched the first half hour, my wife
was just like, all right, I'm kind of not in the mood for a movie like this.
So I was like, all right, so I just shut it off.
But fucking incredible movie.
And we ended up watching that thing about those poor, emaciated women trying to make
the fucking Dallas Cowboys cheerleading team.
Jesus Christ.
I don't think I've ever seen like how fragile all of them, you just see them.
Every time they come in, like they'll be just, okay, Mandy, okay, everybody, great routine.
Mandy, you lag behind a little bit and they have to smile and be like, uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
And then they go, Mandy, why do you think you suck today?
Well, you know, I just, you know, we didn't have much time to, to, to, to learn the routine
and I just, uh-huh.
Okay.
Yep.
And then they sit there and they smile.
I know.
I know.
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to work on that.
You guys going to see, yeah, today was, well today was definitely not my best performance.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
They do that.
And then they go off into a corner in the locker room and they cry, which I guess is
a man I'm looking at the wrong way.
They're actually getting that emotion out of them so they can not have it lingering in
them.
And then they can perform the next day, but like, I don't know, I was cracking my wife
up cause this woman was crying in the corner and none of the other girls came over to help
her out.
So the one woman came over and put her arm around her and I was just saying all this
fucking horrific shit that I get, you know, you know, I probably would go, well, get through
this.
You know, one more thing that will make the team and then we can both eat a dozen donuts
and puke behind a fucking dumpster and you know, they were like, I'm machiated.
It's like, they don't allow them.
You can't eat.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know what they're doing.
I don't know what they're doing, but like they were like twigs, fucking twig.
There wasn't one thickie amongst them.
And that was just like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I just felt bad for every one of them involved in that fucking thing.
It's like, they could just be, yeah, you sucked.
You need to do this.
You need to do that.
But to sit there and they ask them, why do you think you sucked?
Cause they want them to cry.
So they have some sort of emotion on the show.
Um, I don't know.
And I'm just looking at my wife like, how is this easier to watch than this fucking prison
movie I was watching.
So he shanked a guy.
That's just an actor.
That didn't really happen.
This really happened to this woman's hopes and dreams.
Um, I don't think I'm ever going to get to advertising this week.
I got such a good night's sleep on diarrhea of the mouth here.
Um, I saw another clip, right?
Cause I'm trying to eat better.
And like I said, I ate an entire bison when I was in Texas and, um, and I enjoyed every
delicious second of it.
Texas is a fun place to get fat.
I'm going to tell you that right now.
Fun people out there.
Um, so this person, somebody sent me something and it was this English guy coming out talking
about, um, why we shouldn't eat animals and basically brings up how his, he heard his
dad screaming in agony as he was dying in cancer of cancer, in cancer of cancer and
his body was just riddled with cancer and he was like screaming in agony.
Like I don't know why they didn't get him a Tylenol or fucking some morphine or something,
but whatever.
They went all natural, right?
Like those chicks who give birth in a bathtub, right?
This guy went all natural with this cancer.
I don't know what he did, but he was screaming in agony and, uh, he said when he went to
a slaughterhouse, he heard those same cries from the animals.
Right.
And I was thinking like, God damn man, that's okay.
I get it.
Point made.
Do I want to be a part of that, right?
And then, you know, cause I always watch animals fighting everybody.
I then see polar bear eating a seal alive and it's just, it's like they're doing it
to each other.
You watch like a praying mantis.
It just grabs onto a hummingbird and just starts eating its face as the things fucking
tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, fucking fluttering, trying to get the fuck away from it.
But I guess because of religion, because we have egos, I don't know, does any other animal
have a fucking ego?
Cause they keep trying to attribute all these human emotions to animals, like right down
to sharks.
Like I've seen a few where they take fish hooks out of these sharks and then these sharks
become friends of these scuba divers or they feed them and the sharks sort of nuzzling
its fucking nose into the guy.
Like showing true affection.
I told you that clip.
I saw it on Instagram, on the, on the gram gram there, right?
And then one of the scuba divers is trying to go like, people really need to stop watching
Jaws and I, and I wanted to be like, okay, you kind of need to stop watching Dr. Doolittle
cause you're going to get your fucking arm bit off and then some poor fucking asshole,
not fucking, some poor guy in the Coast Guard is going to have to fly his helicopter all
the way out there to go get you.
You know, put the floats on and risk his fucking life cause your dumb ass was trying
to live the courtship of Eddie's father with a fucking bull shark.
Sorry.
Old reference.
People, let me tell you about my best friend, he's a murderer in fish and almost tune in
tonight for Eddie in the bull shark.
Surprising season ender.
Eddie gets his armpit off.
You bully.
I thought we were friends, but it, but it, but it, um, all right, sorry.
So, uh, and then they show like, you know, people like saying pigs are smarter than dogs,
which I'm totally fine with and I love dogs.
I like the dogs have a certain level of dumbness, you know, that you come home and they're always
excited.
They're too stupid to realize that you coming home is not an amazing thing.
This is where you live, you know, then you leave and then they fucking freak out every
time I got it.
Was that it?
Did he just walk out of my life?
Oh my God.
He's home.
Yes.
Yes.
You rock.
I like, you know, I'm going to get a fucking pig and then a pig's going to be like, all
right, dude, I'll see you later.
Like some fucking roommate that I used to have that when I would come home, I'd hope he wasn't
there.
So I could have a fucking moments of peace.
I don't need that out of an animal.
I needed an animal is there to build up my self-esteem.
Sorry.
So I was really like buying into this shit and then I just see the stuff that animals
do to other animals.
You know, the best argument that I saw for going like, uh, vegetarian or going more vegetarian
is just like all the, uh, cattle out there farting into the atmosphere.
It's like bad for the environment or something like that to keep us all alive.
But then my daughter said the other day was, she was like, she's like, dad, dad.
She goes, what is your favorite dinner?
And I had, I was like a cheeseburger.
It's got to be a cheeseburger.
If I could eat one of those every day and not get fat, I would, I would, I would even
put it, you know, it's cheeseburger or pizza.
It's just something that I can consistently eat and not get sick of it.
Oh, my daughter said something so fucking hilarious the other day.
She said, you know, they just like, they learn expressions and then they want to try them out.
Oh, fuck.
I already forgot what she said.
She goes, dad, dad.
She goes, I got some good news.
Oh, she goes, dad, dad, I got good news.
I got some good news and some bad news.
So I'm already laughing like, where the hell did she learn this?
And I go, all right, what's the good news?
And she goes, she goes, the good news is I tell jokes like you.
And I was like, that's great.
I go, what's the bad news?
She goes, the bad news is, dad, dad, you play too rough with me.
She keeps saying her foot hurt.
I think one time.
I don't know what I did stepped on her foot when we were playing.
I was spinning around her foot at a table or something like that.
So now her foot doesn't hurt anymore, but she always says that it still hurts.
Like guilting me.
Like your foot doesn't hurt.
And then she laughs and goes, yes, it does because you play too rough.
And it's cause what happened, I don't even remember probably a few months ago.
I was playing too rough or whatever.
You know, she hurt her foot and then my wife probably gave me shit and said,
you're playing too rough with her.
And then she got that expression stuck in her head.
And now I'm fucking sitting there in my head going like, well, wait a minute,
is her foot really hurt?
And it isn't because I do little tests with her, you know, we watch
on TV and I just sort of rub her foot, add a little more pressure.
And she doesn't complain about it.
So I'm like, all right, your foot isn't hurt.
You're just repeating stuff that mom said.
All right.
So now I'm the bad guy.
Is that what it is?
Is that what we're trying to say here?
NBA basketball is already back.
So my question as a sports fan is where is the hockey?
How is hoop already back in hockey?
Is it?
Oh, that's right.
Hockey is a man game.
All right.
Here he comes down the lane to dunk the ball and everybody clears out
so they don't end up on Instagram.
Holy shit.
Is he the next Michael Jordan?
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Let's get to the questions, everybody.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm in such a good, got enough sleep mode.
I'm actually going to play my jingle, right?
It's time for advice.
Hey!
That's me.
From somebody else.
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's, let's all go to the lobby.
All right.
Hey, space shoulder.
Space shoulder.
Hey there, Billy Bespin.
Props to the special effects team.
Who was able to CGI your shoulder movement.
He's talking about the Mandalorian.
I turned to my wife and I said, see that extension?
Not bill.
Not bill at all.
I'll have you know, my shoulders feel great.
And I did it all naturally.
I took a year.
I started off by doing curls with my toothbrush.
I've now built it up to four pounders.
I'm actually going to do a little bit of the same thing.
I've now built it up to four pounders.
I'm actually up into purple.
You know, why do weights shame you?
If you do the one pounders, they're pink.
Then you move up to purple.
Then it gradually, they'll go to more like, you know,
I can handle myself in a situation, man colors.
You know, you get into the browns and the beiges
before it just goes black, right?
All right, 1970s movies.
Dear Billy burning bush.
You know, it never ceases to amaze me.
All of these years, you guys still figure out a new way
to fucking make fun of me.
I really appreciate it.
I'm not even joking.
You give me a laugh every week.
So thank you.
All right, big fan from Columbus, Ohio.
Name is Jared.
If you want to read it out loud and make my buddies go apeshit.
All right, I read it because you'd be wanting,
evidently you don't have any fucking skeletons
in your closet here.
All right, love both your comedy and the podcast,
especially when featuring the lovely Nia.
I know you've been burning through 70s flicks
and I'm somewhat of a movie encyclopedia.
So I decided to weaponize my autism for your viewing pleasure.
All right, Goodfellas is one of my all time favorites
and the nice guys was the best movie of 2016.
I love that fucking movie.
So I think our tastes are at least mildly compatible.
Here are a few recommendations.
I'll try to spare you the super well-known ones.
Oh, dude, there's nothing better than a great obscure movie,
band, football player, whatever.
Anything obscure that's actually good
and nobody knows about it is the shit.
All right, Sorcerer, 1977.
You guys should write these down here, man.
The most underrated movie in cinema history,
action-packed thriller by Willem Friedkin.
Willem Friedkin, the same dude who made the Exorcist
and the French connection, two of my other favorites.
Well, shit, I gotta watch that.
Deep red.
No, that's not about a smarter version of me.
Thank you.
1975, ultra-violent murder mystery by Dario Argento
or Argento, who also made the horror classic Suspira.
Suspira, two years later, another awesome one.
Haven't seen that one either.
I'm watching all of these.
Duel, 1971.
Early Steven Spielberg flick, low-budget road thriller
with some great car chases.
I gotta check that one out.
I love Spielberg.
All right, Black Christmas, 1974.
The absolute scariest slasher movie I've ever seen.
Perfect for morbid holiday watching
if you're a blasphemous bastard like me.
Dark Star, dude.
Dark Star, 1974.
Goofy-esque sci-fi comedy by John Carpenter
who would go on to do other goofy classics
like Big Trouble in Little China.
Great fucking movie.
1986 fucking hysterical.
That's got what's his face in it.
Kurt Russell.
My favorite thing is when he delivers that line
and then exaggerate like bites into that sandwich.
Big Trouble in Little China is great.
All right, The Tenant.
And also so on point to make fun of those kinds of movies
as they were still coming out
and people weren't making fun of the action hero movies.
The Tenant, 1976.
Early Polanski.
Guys are freaked, but Christ, can he make a movie?
Mind fucked of a paranoia story
about a man slowly going insane
while shut away in an apartment.
Something we can currently understand.
Wow.
Dude, I don't like scary movies, man.
I'm not into like, I take the ride.
They scare the shit out of me and they stay with me.
And I start walking into places here in Babadook.
Babadook.
Le Samurai.
Le Samurai.
1967.
It's a bit earlier than the ones you're looking for,
but I also know you're learning French.
So, Two Birds, One Stone.
Super badass assassin thriller
with a jazzy soundtrack.
Oh my God.
That's got, it even gets into my drum and shit.
Sorry if I wasted your time with a bunch of movies you've seen.
I haven't seen any of those.
I've tried to give you some obscure ones
that I really, really like.
Stay safe and get your lovely co-host back
on the podcast soon.
I am.
I'm getting some microphones.
I'm updating my little studio here.
I've already ordered them.
I'm just waiting for them to come.
And I'm going to have, there's going to be more
Nia in 2021.
Also, you know, I think we've stumbled upon
another cool thing here.
That's, you know, anything obscure.
Top 10 obscure cars, top 10 obscure albums.
If you want to say you're obscure movies.
The ones that, you know, that people should fucking see
and they never do.
All right.
Let's see here.
French movies.
Hey, Billy Ball Buster.
Hey, Billy, Billy Ball Buster.
All right.
Love the podcast.
I always wanted to learn French also,
but all my friends convinced me that French,
that the French are assholes.
Like we're not.
Everybody's assholes.
And so are they.
But then when you go over there,
you get to act like an asshole American
and then hear an asshole French guy talking about you
in his native language.
And then you get to be like,
I know what the fuck you'd say it.
Watch his little fucking little pocket square fall
out of his jacket.
Anyway, I might take it up again after hearing
your success.
Yeah, I'm moving right along.
Uh, je parle un peu le français.
Pas très bien.
Voulez-vous aussi boire avec moi?
Voulez-vous dimanche avec moi?
I'm at learning a lot of those.
My favorite French word right now is boulevard.
Boulevard.
Le boulevard.
Ça m'est cher, monsieur.
And everybody thinks that like French is like really
like a feminine knowledge shit.
And I would just say, go watch any movie
with that dude from the professional
who I should know his name.
He's like, like French, the French language is actually
when it's spoken by some street thug
actory dude in a movie is one of the coolest fucking
sounded language.
It's just like, you know, you have that stupid
guy who makes fun of the English accent.
You know, Johnny, good day.
And then you watch one of their gangster movies.
You're like, oh man, that sounds fucking cool as shit.
So basically every language sounds cool
if there's a badass speaking it.
You know what I mean?
You just got to find the movies.
All right.
French movies.
All right.
I heard you say you wanted some more French movies.
I have three for you.
I don't know how.
Emily.
I don't have to say it.
A M E with the accent coming back at you
like you're smoothing your hair.
That's how I remember it.
And the other one is your brother slapping you off the
top of the head.
Excellent.
I think that's accent grab.
A M E L I E cute movie about a daughter finding her
place in the world.
Let me make a watch that with my daughter.
A city of lost children.
A slightly weird movie starring Ron Perlman.
I love Ron Perlman.
Marky.
Marcus.
Marky.
M A R Q U I S.
This one I found at the local video store in high school in
the foreign section.
I bought the VHS off eBay about 10 years ago.
This is a cinephile here.
But haven't seen it anywhere else.
Good luck.
It's weird.
Hope you get to check out these and the fashions.
The fashion of the letters and in the fashion of the letters.
I don't know what that means.
All right.
I'll check those out.
All right.
The British have the worst taste in tea.
Oh my God.
Shots.
Hey Billy Bullocks greetings from Ireland.
I have to say first I absolutely love the show.
It used to be the highest of my week.
When I was in the office and now it's oh my God.
We were we were talking about Winston Churchill.
Me and Bert Kreischer on the Bill Burt podcast just saying how
that dude was a man the way he stood up to the Nazis and some
dude fucking said you should look at his difficult related.
It said it said Winston Churchill and he wrote educate yourself
and it's his complicated history with the Irish and just saying
educate yourself as a human being to another human being like
that guy right then it was just like I don't ever need to meet
in your life.
I know exactly this.
That is one of the most self satisfying fucking person you
people you could ever fucking meet in your life.
All right.
You know everything.
I'll try to get I'll try to come up onto your fucking plane.
You know not check out check out this you know just to sort
of balance out educate yourself.
In other words I know who Winston Churchill is even though
I've never met him and you don't.
All right.
If I have to say first I absolutely love the show.
I used to be the highest.
It used to be the highest highlight of my week when I was in
the office and now it's even more so during lockdown and working
from home.
It really cheers me up.
Love hearing stories about growing up in Boston.
It sounds very much like growing up here in Ireland.
I don't know how many times I've been called a fucking Mary for
the slightest of things by an adult as a kid.
But every everyone rips on each other.
It's more of a term of endearment than anything and it toughens
you up.
Yeah.
It absolutely is.
Oh and by the way next if it's done right if it's done right
it can also be something that tries to build you down and then
you spend years trying to figure out who you are and build
yourself back up again.
But that's a different story.
Oh and by the way next time you're over here hopefully when all
this craziness gets back to normal there's more to Ireland
than just Dublin.
Please if you can do some gigs and quit talking about I've done
gigs in Cork City or Galway.
I did gigs in Galway.
I've gone up to Belfast.
I've done Kill Kenny.
Only did it once but I've been over.
I've been around.
Fuck with you.
I've faced out in the Guinness.
We don't drink Guinness over here.
That's the shit we export out.
Go fuck yourself.
Please if you can try doing some gigs in Cork City or Galway.
You won't be disappointed.
Both cities have a much better audience than those superior
dubs.
Oh you're all insecure because they live in the big city.
Who they think they're the bees' knees.
Oh yeah I went to Galway.
I found out about all those babies.
You threw down that fucking wealth for those chicks who got
knocked up out of wedlock.
Yeah it's a beautiful seaport city.
That was one of the best sets I've ever had.
I just kept referencing that.
There was some sort of fucking thing over there where these
chicks would get knocked up who weren't married.
They'd be sent away in shame to this nun convent or something
like that and they'd give birth and sometimes the babies would
die and there'd be no record that the baby even lived and they
just stuck them into like their set-met tank or some shit.
And then one day it backed up and they were cleaning the
well out or whatever the fuck it was and all of a sudden there
was all these dead babies down there.
It's fucking unbelievable.
Religion I swear to God.
Even though I'm starting to believe more in an afterlife again
that there is something beyond this.
Religion has no idea what it is or even understands.
I don't think they even understand God.
I don't because what they say God is and what I'm seeing out here
to just use the devil as a scapegoat is really just more like
you just don't fucking understand like I do.
Nobody understands what's going on.
Why the fuck we're here or what the meaning of all of this is.
Alright.
Alright let's plow ahead here.
Anyway anyhow I see you're getting into drinking tea.
No I'm not.
I'm not going to drink tea.
I just fucking drink that throat coat shit so I preserve my instrument.
Sorry.
As you probably know from your cigar smoking you want something
that's quality.
The English have this worldwide reputation for their tea drinking
from TV and movies I reckon but their tea tastes like cat piss
especially that Earl Grey shite.
I have some family living over there so I've tried them all
and haven't found anything good that's even worse.
Anything as good as even the worst brands of tea back here.
Look at the Irish talking shit here.
You thought we were just fucking all about fucking booze
and wearing those sweaters.
A jumper whatever the fuck they call them.
Forget what they call them.
If you can source some Irish tea there's some Irish stores
over there that stock it all.
I'll even send you some if that's possible somehow.
What you need to get your hands on is the pinnacle of Irish tea
called Barry's Tea.
Oh my god.
I got to get some of that shit.
There's nothing else like it.
Trust me it's a real gem.
Lion's Tea is fairly good options too.
L-Y-O-N-S.
If that's all you can get a hold of.
Advice on making it.
You may be doing this already but boil the kettle
and just before it's about to finish boiling.
Cut it off and the tea bag goes in the cup.
First then pour the hot water over it and leave it.
Don't touch it.
Don't stir.
Just walk away for about a minute and a half.
Come back take the tea bag out.
Now you can give it a little stir.
This is great.
Great advice.
I haven't heard you mention this before
but please add a drop of milk.
Not a lot.
Just a drop and stir some.
Stir some more.
And that it your tea and oh he spelled check here.
And that it your tea is ready.
I guess and then your tea is ready.
PS blow on the tea first and sip to make sure the temperature is good.
Dude if it's boiling I'm waiting more than a minute and a half.
That's my biggest problem with tea is it fucking burns the inside of my mouth.
If you drive dive straight in you're going to burn your taste buds
and not be able to taste anything for a few days
which sucks as you probably already know best regards
and happy Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Happy holidays.
Not happy Christmas.
Do yourself knee in the two little ones hope you have a wonderful day.
That's great advice.
Barry's tea everybody.
All right we're going to wrap it up here with dumb questions for employees.
This is for you guys who haven't listened in a few weeks.
We've been you know people working with the general public
and people tend to come in and ask dumb questions
and the classic one was myself who went to the Joshua tree
and asked the first park ranger where he saw where is the Joshua tree.
Not realizing that Joshua tree was a species of tree
like it would be on the East Coast being like where is the Elm tree.
Dumb question for employees.
Antarctica listener.
Hey old Billy boy.
I was listening to your Monday morning podcast
and heard your call out for listeners in Antarctica.
While I'm not there at the moment I'm currently in training
to head down for the next 12 or so months
with the Australian Antarctica program
for what will be my third season as a carpenter.
What the fuck are you building down there?
Global warming right?
Australia's on fire and Antarctica's sort of shaped like it.
It's surrounded by water.
Good. Good for you guys.
I love it. Take it over.
While on the ice my job is to maintain the station
assisting with any science projects
and generally helping out the station
in the kitchen etc.
Whenever I tell anyone I work down there
about 90% of the people's first question
is whether I see any polar bears.
I just politely say that there wouldn't be any penguins
if there were.
Here are a few other stupid questions
I've had over the years.
Number one.
When talking to conspiracy theorists whack jobs
I've been asked if I've seen the ice wall
or crashed UFOs
then been called a liar or government shill
when they don't get the answer they want.
What is the ice wall?
Oh my god.
Is that when they think that we, you know,
the world is flat, we live in a giant
cereal bowl?
Ice wall
conspiracy
ant...
I can't spell this. Antarctica.
Ice wall. Ice wall may refer to the wall of ice.
May refer to ice wall. Any wall of ice
of a flat earth or cruise
will sail to Antarctica ice wall.
All right. Let's see here.
Organizers of the annual conference that brings together
people who believe that the earth is flat
are planning to cruise to the purported edge of the planet.
They're looking for the ice wall that holds back the oceans.
The journey will take place in 2020.
The flat, oh my god.
Somebody has to film that.
Somebody has got to film that. That is amazing.
That is amazing. That's Planet of the Apes
when he's going to come around and fucking see
Statue of Liberty laying there in half. I want to see that.
I will actually contribute money to that journey.
Okay. Dumb question number two.
Do you all stay in igloos?
Oh, Jesus. Number three.
When telling an apprentice at work,
I was going to Antarctica. He replies,
that's up in Alaska, isn't it? Oh, Jesus.
Anyways, love the podcast, mate.
Listening to you read out loud and ranting about the world
we live in is a great way to pass time on the station
and on the two-week trip to the icebreaker
takes getting either there or back.
All the best to me and the family and go fuck yourself.
Man, that must be really peaceful though.
If you're just out there and there's no internet or shit like that
and just be on that boat, that would be amazing.
I think I would feel way better if I was going back to Australia
rather than to Antarctica, even though I would be excited.
But in my head, I'd be like, oh my God, am I going to run into the thing down here?
Or was that the North Pole? Did I just ask a dumb question?
Alright, furniture mover?
Hey, Billy Brady Blower.
Come on, I'm not blowing the guy, I'm just saying what he's doing.
They won again yesterday.
I used to work as a furniture mover in south Texas
slash San Antonio about 15 years ago
and we would always get dumb-ass questions by customers.
But these are my top five furniture mover.
Top five dumb questions. Number five.
I guess you don't need a gym membership, do you?
Answer, no, you asshole.
I get paid shit every day for the benefit of fitness.
Response, only if you tip.
Oh, okay, that's what you say.
Alright, but you want to say the other thing.
Okay.
Do I tip you?
Answer, well, you tip your pizza guy $5
before checking to see if he delivered your $10 pizza, right?
I took your $5,000 TV across the fucking county lines
and I'm on probation and didn't steal it.
So you tell me if I deserve a tip.
Alright, number three.
Can you and your guys take your shoes off when you come in and out?
Answer, no, the cleaning guy will charge you more
if me or my guy slips on your floor while you're carrying a couch
and bleed out.
Do you guys do plants?
It happens all the time.
You wouldn't believe.
I don't even know what that means.
Answer, I'll move it, but I'm not a gardener.
If shit, oh, they want you to dig up a plant.
I thought they meant like a house plant.
If shit goes bad, ask my cousin.
He's a legal and your new neighbor.
I don't know what that means.
An illegal immigrant.
Number one, will all this fit in one trip?
And $85 an hour, two hour quote.
Third, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Will all this fit in one trip?
And it says and $85 an hour, two hour quote.
Third floor walk-up apartment.
Answer, ma'am, this is a moving truck.
You've been pack-running for 20 years in this home
and considering that you have a Bilberg Comedy Central VHS tape,
I would say no more than one trip.
Thanks a lot, Bill, and can't wait to see you in Texas.
Oh, that one was from a while ago.
I already did the tour there.
All right, everybody, thank you so much for listening to this podcast.
Look at this here.
I did an hour and 20 minutes because I got a good night's sleep.
I'm back into it.
I'm back into getting sleep, taking naps, and meditating.
Let's see how long this lasts.
This is like I'm going to the gym.
I'm getting my abs.
I'm going to take care of my brain.
All right, go fuck yourselves, everyone.
Thank you to everybody that watched The Mandalorians,
said all those amazingly nice things.
Thank you once again to Rick Famiowa and John Favreau
for writing it, directing it.
That's Rick and John for putting me in it, editing it,
and doing all that stuff.
Amazing to be a part of that.
All right, and then with that, go fuck yourselves,
and I'll check you in on you on Thursday.
Oh, by the way, Cleveland Browns tonight.
Love seeing the Browns being good, you know?
But I got a sneaking suspicion.
The Ravens are upset.
Lamar Jackson's like, hey, wait a minute.
I thought I was one of the best guys in the league,
and now everybody's fucking talking about other people.
Maybe I have to go off tonight.
We will see what happens.
It's in Baltimore, I believe.
That's it. I'll see you Thursday.