Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-15-14

Episode Date: December 15, 2014

Bill rambles about Santa as welterweight, pussy coming into the room and ADHD tests.

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December sorry. Sorry about that. December 15th, 2014. I'm sure some nerve was like, oh you fucking uploaded the wrong one again. Epic fail. What a fucking loser man. Oh you internet cunts. Just up your fucking ass all the goddamn time.

You know what's some fucking. Very rarely, very rarely do I ever block anybody on Twitter. Just because I don't want to give people the satisfaction that they bugged me. And this technology fucking cunt bugged me. You know what, what am I an asshole? How long have I been in this internet game? I'm going to tell you what the fuck he said, I'm not going to tell you what he said. Go fuck yourselves.

You guys all warming up your fucking little flanges there to go send me a fucking tweet. I know what the flanges, tassels, metatassels, flanges. That's on your feet, right? And then carples, metacarpals, flanges, remember that? When you took biology class and they talked about the bio juices, whatever the fuck they did. And the whole thing is connected to your respiratory system. And the respiratory system is, has fascinated scientists for centuries.

Oh, God, did that bring back some fucking bad goddamn memories? The only thing good about, I think one of my science classes is that like, you know, with the books back in the day, you had to sign your name in the year you had the books. So then you get books, you know, and you know somebody in a grade above, I got your old math book, right? The only thing good about my science class was I got the same book as the hottest check two grades in front of me, you know? So I was just sitting back there with my orange hair, not even listening to me like, she actually

held this book. Oh my God. That was the only thing enjoyable about science class. What's funny now is I love science. I love fucking science. The sound of the shit, the fucking crap, the ozone layer. What was that? I love a parade.

How simple was life back then when you could just write a song? You could write a song like that. First of all, no one would even question your sexuality, right? You could just fucking rattle one of those off. The sound of the beat, the fucking trumpets, they come walking by. Of course you love it. Who didn't love a fucking parade? What else were you doing?

Standing around, going out and shooting a fucking vomit, dragging it in, carrying it by its fucking tail, fucking wife with a huge dress, goes all the way down to her ankles and up to her fucking chin. You know, nothing to look at. Where were all the whores back then? It was not like there was a brothel. What did you fucking, what did you rub one out to? Imagine if I had a new horse, right?

Is that what you, there was no celebrities. What the fuck did you do back then? All you had, you just fucking were trying to live. You know, you had to worry about the fucking Native Americans coming back to take what was rightfully theirs. Okay, and I can guarantee you when they came over the hill, the last thing they were doing was going, they didn't. Those fucking things, those fucking things, those, you know, I was already trying to think

of the animals to compare them to, sorry, didn't mean, didn't mean to offend any casino owners out there. Those fucking people, yeah, you had no idea. Remember that step fucking line in Goodfellas? The second I heard all the noise, I knew they were cops. They were wise guys and when you shut the fuck up, they were Native Americans, you'd be fucking hanging upside down by a tree right above your Cadillac before you put the keys in the ignition.

You'd have no fucking idea and then they'd slowly skin you alive or break you on the wheel. All right, Henry Hill, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, whatever this fucking technology can't, you know, it's like all your douchebags last, last week. When I was calling iCloud SoundCloud and you guys thought it was fucking hilarious, I actually was proud of the fact that I don't know what the fuck it's called. You know, is that your big fucking claim to fame? All you fucking douchebag, not all of you, just that small, they just you guys, you live.

You get on the, you start, let me tell you something, all right, you middle of nowhere fucking staring at a computer screen cunt, you go start a podcast, you riff for a fucking hour and 20 minutes, all right, you're going to make some mistakes half the time you're trying to think what the fuck am I going to talk about next? I was talking to DeRosa, we did an uninformed, I was all excited about those Mercedes Benz that I checked out and all that shit and I fucked up, I was talking about a wagon, I was out of this four door coupe or whatever, and so he's like, ah, there's no such thing as a four door coupe, this fucking guy, all capital letters freaking the fuck out because

I said four door coupe instead of sedan. It's a two door coupe or a four door sedan, what a fucking fail. You know what it is? What I shouldn't do is I shouldn't get upset by that Nick picking stuff. What I should really do is read between the lines and see the misery of that person's life that they just live for that fucking moment, sitting around listening to a goddamn podcast waiting for some uneducated asshole to fuck up so you can write in and feel better about the all weather carpet underneath your fucking hammer toes.

I know it's the holiday season, doobie doobie doo, it's goobily pop, stick it up your damn ass, guys, we're going to the Christmas Restore, he's got a red fucking suit with some cotton glued to it, he's probably 23, isn't that the worst when they get the fucking awful Santa Claus? It's like, can you even try, I mean it's a fucking woman, okay, she's got blush on. You know what would make a great Santa Claus, Tom Coughlin or the New York Giants, that guy would make a great Santa Claus because Santa Claus is not obese. He was considered a fat fuck when I was a kid, that's how fucked up my country is right

now, that's how out of shape we are, what's his face, Santa Claus isn't really considered fat anymore. What would you call him, husky, if he had to go buy a new red suit, all right, when would he get that, he probably does it sometime in the fucking summer, I gotta do this fucking shit again, you know, he takes off like January to May and then in June, he starts stretching out the old hammies, I gotta get another fucking suit, Jesus Christ. Ah, I'm not gonna have that, shut up lady, all right, I'm sick of the fucking elves, they make the same goddamn thing every day, every fucking year, same goddamn suit.

All right, so what does he do? He shaves the beard, he gets a fucking haircut, he rolls down to fucking Tom Ford, gets himself a fitted red suit, you know, but they don't think he sees a fatty, you know, that's how fucked up at this point, like that guy would be considered like, not even a cruiserweight, if he boxed, he'd be like welterweight, and despite the fact that he has a sleigh that can fly around the fucking world, your average fat fuck sitting in a taco bell could beat him in a fucking fist fight, no matter how nimble he is, how much, how much Christmas dust he sprinkled on his fucking Jerry Garcia haircut, there'd just be some tub of shit

just leaning on him, leaning on him, just wearing him down, round after round, just keeping that one fucking, keeping that arm up, you know, left, keeping that left up, just covering his fucking big Ted Kennedy fat fuck head leaning on Santa, Santa's working the fucking body, all right, old tub, he's just eating him up, this is fucking leaning on him, Santa loses his hat halfway through the first round, gets in the corner, right, takes off his jacket, he's got some stained wife beater on, the fat fucks, you know, doing the ollie thing, he doesn't, I don't need a chair, he's just fucking standing in the corner, right, they already got that fucking cold compress right on fucking Santa's face,

I don't even know what I'm talking about, all right, all I know is it's Christmas and we're like fucking 10 days away and I haven't even fucking started, oh, you know, Dasher and dancer and Prancer and victim, no, I don't do it, I was standing there, you didn't even introduce me, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, but do you recall, oh man, would you shoot a reindeer, would you shoot a reindeer, would you do it, what if your plane crashed up near the North Pole, you know, there it was, you couldn't shoot fucking Rudolph, that's like shooting Elvis, you can't do that shit, you gotta wait for him to OD, OD sitting on a fucking reindeer toilet, which is basically what, anywhere it's standing, you know, I'm

so fucking against technology people, I just, I've had it, I just fucking, I know all the shit that it does for you and how convenient it makes it and all of that bullshit, oh by the way, you know what pissed me off, I was watching this fucking commercial where they talk about like the first, you know, how the first half time came about, was basically people, you know, these fucking, you know, racist white guys, I mean, you know they were back then, right, Jesus Christ, the fuck, anybody in a striped fucking uniform with no face mask, I mean, you could only imagine what was coming out of Red Granger's mouth back in the day, the Galloping Ghost, right, so they got this commercial where it's like

supposed to be that era and these guys are playing football and they're talking about how the first half time came around and basically how it came around was these guys were playing and a bunch of fucking ladies came by with some pop, they came by with like some cocoa, whatever, Pepsi or fucking, I don't know what tab, I don't know what they brought. The whole fucking thing is, you know, it's just a metaphor, right, it's like you're a guy, you're on point, you have a fucking goal and what happens, pussy walks in the room and everything gets thrown to the wayside, the next thing you know, you're 53 going, wait a minute, what the fuck happened, I wanted to be an astronaut, right, I wanted to learn

how to play the tuba, I wanted to own a fucking hair salon, what happened, pussy came into the room, you took your eye off the ball and you started drinking some pop, I hate how they say that in the Midwest, the fact that they call it pop and then they say pop, you want some pop? No, do you got any soda? Soda, what's that? I can't do a Midwest accent, as you can see, I got to be out there hanging around with those cunts. Hang on, just remind me of something about the Southern tour I want to do next fucking, I got to type that in so I write that, I say it later, anyways, it's a long story short, because the women show up, these guys who are fucking knocking the hell out of each other, basically inventing

the NFL, they stop and they look at each other and like, hey, you know, maybe one of them will give us one of them fucking 23 skidoo's over there, what do you say, what do we just knock off for like 15 minutes, go over there, have a sprite, you know, the guy's like, what the fuck's a sprite, it doesn't exist yet, douchebag, so all right, let's get a coke, it has got to be Coca-Cola, right, wasn't that the first one, they went over there, right, the original Coca-Cola had a little bit of blow in it, next thing you know, they're dumping it down her ass crack, right, the whole fucking game goes out the window, but that's not the problem that I have with that commercial, the problem I have is in the middle

of it, somebody takes an old timey camera, turns it around on him and does a selfie, now I know the people who made that commercial, I'm going to give them the credit to be like they realized that nobody took a fucking selfie back then, okay, nobody took a fucking selfie, not only did you not take a selfie, nobody smiled in photos back then, I don't know when the fuck that started, but if you look back in the day, nobody is smiling in photos unless you caught him off guard, okay, they were doing a little jig or some shit and you took a picture with that fucking cannon, that fucking gunpowder, fucking went up, sorry for everybody's ears there, I didn't realize that was going to be that loud, fucking would go off in the

background, right, and then you know, then the guy would be like, you just take my fucking picture, yeah, what's all the smoke in the air for, huh, you keep that fucking witchcraft away from me, buddy, right, nobody fucking smiled, you understand when they took pictures of the Native Americans, the reason why they didn't smile, their whole fucking world was going to a hell in a fucking handbasket by a bunch of fucking douchebags, whose ancestors were eventually going to walk around wearing those fucking beats by Dre, which aren't even that good headphones. Oh, now they're wireless. Tell you what, fuck the technology, making them fucking no invisible wires, why don't you make them good? Somebody gave me, I got

a fucking pair of those goddamn things, I was listening to them for a fucking year and I finally just sat around and said, yeah, these things aren't that good. I can hear the music, but it's not blowing my mind. You know what beats by Dre are, and this isn't against Dr. Dre, because he already sold the company, he's sitting on a billion dollars, think he gives a fuck? He doesn't give a fuck, plus I never fucking trashed anybody who's got a scar on their neck, okay, that guy saw death, stared it down one, and then what, I'm going to come at him with wearing my fucking PJs. I don't think so. All right, and if you think I'm the kind of guy who's going to do something like that, you're listening to the

wrong podcast, my friend. Okay, anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. That's 10 days before Christmas. Oh, whoa, whoa, who wouldn't go? Oh, whoa, whoa, who wouldn't go? Oh, up on the house top, click, click, click, down through the chimney with those St. Nick. I don't fuck that, I remember that one. I was trying to sing one different, you know what fucking Christmas song I absolutely, there's a bunch of them that I don't like, but the one that just really would wear on me was Silver Bells. Silver Bells, Silver Bell, oh, rocking around the Christmas tree, I'm white, and I'm giving it a shot. I'm bobbing my head like a fucking douche, wearing this tight old suit. Oh, the mistletoe shoved up your

fucking plot. This is the, this is when the guy scat sang it, you know, and he was just trying to like feel out some words, you know, we'll put Christmas to his shit and let's just jam with the band, right? One, two, somebody suck my dick, but I beat my do. Oh, Amber Holly, right? That's probably what they did right down there at Capitol Records. We have a melody, if you could just sort of riff on it. Yeah, I can do that. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jangling down the street. Yep, I got a friend named Pete. Oh, something Christmas, get her a gift. Maybe they don't shut the fuck up. Listen, how am I feeling today guys? Shut it down. Shut it down. All right, it's probably, oh, you know what, it is time to

do some advertising, the most important advertising that I do all year. So listen up everybody. All right, listen up everybody. The third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, all right, is coming up on, let me get everything hit, third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. You want to do something great. Okay, that really, I'm not even bullshit for the bottom of my heart. This has been such a great benefit and has helped so many people that Patrice loved in his life, you know, that he was taking care of and all that type of stuff. This is just a wonderful, it's my favorite thing all year. I get to see all these great comics that I never get to see because we're always traveling around.

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and it's the best money you're ever going to spend. It's such a great thing to do. I absolutely love doing this, and I thank all the comedians over the years that have done this, and we're just going to keep expanding it. And this year, I love that Michael Chay and Hannibal Burris are on it, because now we've got some younger guys that were actually influenced by Patrice's comedy. If you don't know who he is, I'm actually jealous, because now you got to get to discover the funniest fucking guy I ever met. Elephant in the room, download that, please do all of this legally, so that the money goes to the people he cares about. It's great, wonderful CD, like whatever you kids call it now, downloadable fucking CD, laser disc thing, Mr. P. It's a funny

as fucking guy I haven't met. He's the best comedian I ever saw, and if he was still alive, I would have chased him my whole career, and I never would have caught up, and he would have just continued to widen the gap. I mean, he just was the fucking man. So please, for the love of God, we've got a couple hundred tickets left, and makes a great stock and stuff. All right, now let's get to the fucking corporate ones. We're all Billy Horbag reads these things. Oh my God, look what's back, everybody. It's Sherry's Berries. Oh, it's got to be a holiday coming up. Don't get your tinsel in a tangle. There's more than one way to get your shopping for the holidays done, so don't get your tinsel in a tangle. You already said that. You don't have to get burned

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have seen in a zillion things. And I was actually imitating him back in the day when True Detective came out. And he played that inmate, you know, when Matthew McConaughey's character goes in, the guy went, Reggie Ladoo. Reggie Ladoo did that shit. Fucking unbelievable actor. The next thing you know, old freckles get to that acting gig. And who am I sitting across from this same fucking dude? And he was so goddamn funny and scary at the same time, all while eating bologna sandwiches. That's all I can tell you about it. But my face still hurts from trying not to fucking blow takes, you know, laughing because he's such an, and he always played like, like character actors are amazing to me. Like, they just, how they make a living and how much they have to hustle and all

that. And he was talking about how excited he was to do something that was, you know, had a comedy background. Now he's always playing these psychos and everything. So we're on like whatever the 10th take, he's on like his fucking ninth fucking bologna sandwich, because he feels like he has to eat it to get into this character, which is totally fucking working, right? And I, we end up asking him, he mentioned he had to be on set the very next day at 7am. And we're still shooting it like fucking 10 at night trying to get this fucking dog to walk into the room, sit down and look over at the camera, right? And he says, I, because I got to be on set tomorrow at 7am. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I don't know how you do it. He goes, nah, I'm love, I love it, man. I'm happy

to be working. So he's talking about how we always play psychos. I go, uh, what do you, what are you playing tomorrow? Because I'm playing a rapist. You know, independent movie called eat me. Um, that's what there's, that's, that is being made right now. So look out for Brad Carter. He's shooting eat me right now and watch true detective and look him up. He also, um, had brain surgery and, uh, for this little thing that he had going on. I'll let him explain it, but this is unbelievable video where he's playing guitar. He's a musician while they're checking out his brain to see if they put the thing in the right place. It's fucking unbelievable. We'll, we'll upload it. But, uh, you know, if you really like character actors and people just

disappear into it, to the point you're watching it going, where the fuck do I know this guy? Where do I fuck to the Brad Carter? That's your man right there. Um, so anyways, let's, let's get onto some shit here that I'm really excited about. I know that I've been bitching. I know that I've been moaning. I know that I've been bitch moaning and complaining the whole time about this construction downstairs. Guess what everybody? It's fucking done. The motherfucker is done. There's a couple of little knickknacks. They got to stick in these fucking, I don't know, the plates over the lights, which is little bullshit like that. Little fucking bullshit like that. And it is fucking awesome. Absolutely beautiful.

Absolutely gorgeous. It cost me a fucking fortune. I will never make my money back in this house unless I go vegan right now and try to live to be 106. But I've just made the decision that I'm not leaving. I'm not fucking leaving, right? Just all the cunts. I'm erasing all the fucking cunts who have lived here. I'm exercising the demons of every one of these motherfuckers that went cheap. You know, I got this ugly ass fuck. There's no, I don't even know what to tell you what the color is of the rug in the bedroom that I'm in right now. So I'm thinking, you know, there's hardwood floors underneath this fucking thing. So I start to pull back the rug, you know, for a future project and guess what's under the rug?

Fucking plywood. And underneath the plywood is the original hardwood floors. You know, what kind of a fucking animal? You know what it was? It was probably done in the 70s. You know, when wall to wall carpet was just considered so fucking plush. What it was is after years of people just walking around on wood, first it was dirt, right? It was probably stone or some shit, right? He lived in a fucking cave. Then he just had stone and the fucking shit was cold. Nobody could afford rugs, right? It was expensive or whatever. Your wife started knitting one by the time she finished it. She had tuberculosis since she died. And every time he looked at the rug, you thought of her.

So you gave it to somebody else. So people's feet, they were sick of being cold. They get, you know, getting splinters and that type of shit, which, you know, back then you got an infection and then you fucking died or somebody came in and sawed your foot off, right? Because you had a fucking, you know, you bit down on a fucking anvil or whatever that was. There was no anesthesia. So after centuries of that bullshit, wall to wall carpeting seemed like a good idea, you know? And it wasn't. You know what's the most disgusting thing when it comes to carpeting is carpeting in a bathroom every once in a while, right? I like, you know, when they have like an open house, I'm one of those cunts that just walks

into your house and I'm not going to buy it because I just want to look at it and get ideas and just say, yeah, how's this fucking douche living, right? It's like when you go to Elvis's house, you always feel like a creep, you know, you go to Elvis's house and you want to go in there and laugh at him, then you walk in there and you realize this was his home and I'm walking around it looking for peanut butter and banana sandwiches because I want to laugh at this guy and it's just like this guy accomplished more in a weekend than I ever did in my life and he's buried in the backyard and we just won't give the guy the piece that he deserves. They didn't even spell his fucking name right in the grave. We're the most exploited stars of all fucking time.

You go across the street, there's a gift shop and they turn them into a cuckoo clock and a fucking coffee strainer and every fucking filter, every goddamn fucking thing you can think of with Elvis on it, you know. This is an Elvis fan. There's nothing Elvis about that. Press the button. Just start singing a song. They paint little mutton chops on the fucking fan blades. So anyways, every once in a while you'd go into an old house and you know what's my favorite thing is when you walk into an old house and you smell an old person, you know, like, oh my god, this shit, this was, you're going to see shit in here from the 1950s, right? And you walk in there and you see like the old kitchen and the old bathrooms and all that and you just see all the errors of

styles that the house has fucking lived through, you know, that fucking lime green toilet seat cover or the plastic cracked fucking toilet seat itself, you know, where they made it like that squishy shit that was supposed to be comfortable. Then it cracked after a while and then they would just have wall-to-wall carpeting and you just sit there looking at it going, oh my god, the fucking health department, like how many restaurants, I mean, if you had that in any restaurant, like the 10, any restaurant within a fucking five mile vicinity would be fucking shut down to have carpeting in a fucking bathroom. Absolutely disgusting. So anyways, so what I love about the downstairs now is it's fucking, it's level,

it's clean, everything works, it's just fucking awesome and it's right in time for the fucking holidays and I'm thrilled, I'm thrilled with it. You know what's funny is the guy who sold me this house, he keeps calling me up every once in a while, right? You know, they do, they call you up like a fucking old girlfriend, they can just feel you're starting to love your house so they gotta put that doubt in your head. Hey, Bill, what are you doing? You'll tell you it's a great time, Michelle, great time to get right back out there and fucking start all over again. You know, the great thing is when you invest so much in your house that you're never going to make any money off of it, you don't give a fuck anymore. You're like, well, I'm never leaving,

I'm going to redo this whole fucking thing. Let me see if I can go broke on this fucking thing. So anyways, you won't hear me bitching about it anymore. It's done and now that it's done, it looks fucking gorgeous and it was worth every cent of it and your next question is going to be, Bill, can we see pictures of it? No, you cannot. No, you can't. Are you an asshole? Showing the pictures inside of my fucking house. Isn't it enough that I'm in my house talking to you? You fucking creep. Anyways, hey, look who just walked in. Oh, needy face. Why don't you grab a microphone? Set up the old cord there. See what I wanted to talk about. Anything here? Oh, by the way, as a New England Patriot fan, I am so fucking jealous of the Seattle Seahawks

defense man. They just look fucking great and I'll tell you what, I made fun of Pete Carroll for years and I was never more wrong. I mean, I never thought he was a bad coach or anything like that, but that fucking guy is going to go, already he's one of two people who ever won a NCAA Division 1 championship in football and also won the Super Bowl. The other guy was Barry Switzer, but you know, no disrespect to Barry. He's a great coach and all that type of shit, but he won with Jimmy Johnson's team. All right, Pete Carroll, you know, you know what happened? The NCAA was, the wolf was at the back door. He got the fuck out of there and he went up there. What was Seattle at that point? They were nothing and he's turned it around and he's right now, what you're watching

Pete Carroll do is one of the hardest fucking things you can ever do is to have a team that won the championship the year before come out and somehow the next season motivate them where they're hungry. Not they want to win it again. They always want to win it again, but they have a hunger in them. It seems when you're watching like they haven't won it yet, like they still have something to prove. And earlier this season, I really look at Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick this year, who was kind of the same thing where the first six, five, six games or whatever, they had to figure out what that team was. Because every year people leave, people come in, it's a little bit different.

And I'm watching Pete Carroll do some Bill Belichick shit where it's like, he knows what he has, he knows how to work it now. He knows it's thick. I don't know. As much as my Patriots are 11 and three, I feel like I still feel like the level of play in the NFC is, it's, it's another level. I would never bet against, you know, Belichick and Brady, if anybody could figure out how to fucking, I don't know, Seattle looks like fucking world beaters, man. So my money's on them at this point. They just look like they look fucking unstoppable. And that QB there, Wilson, that guy is, is that even his fucking name? I'm so goddamn old, I can't remember names anymore. That fucking guy is the real deal. You know, and all you cunts out there who are starting to say,

Verzi might have been right about Mark Sanchez. I cannot help you. I can't help you. Verzi even texted me that. Don't I, you know, I might have been right about this guy. It's like Paul, you watch the, first of all, Paul Verzi is not right, whether the guy's great or whether he sticks. Paul Verzi said after the first three games of a quarterback's career, this guy's a star, like, based on what Paul, based on what sitting at home watching on a fucking TV, never talking to him, never seen him in the locker room. You threw a fucking Hail Mary. This is the deal with Sanchez. Okay. I think he's a good quarterback. I think he could win the Super Bowl with them, but the defense has to be unfucking believable. We're talking some, I'm not saying he's a Trent Dillford.

He's beyond that guy. Okay. But to sit there and act like this guy is like on a Brady level, a Peyton Manning level, like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, guys like that. And I even think there's Wilson guy, like is, could, could get to that level. Like those guys are so fucking good. Even if you suck, even if everybody around them suck, you know, as a wide receiver, if you come in there and you kind of stink and everyone around you stinks and all of a sudden you're the number one receiver because everybody stinks. You still know you're getting a thousand yards because Tom Brady of Peyton Manning is giving you the fucking ball. Sanchez is not at that level. All right. That guy, if he has a great team, he's great. And in other words, he'll win the fucking game or won't fuck

it up. All right. But when people start to leave and the talent level dips, it's butt fumble time. Okay. And I did not see that ever with somebody, you know, the higher guys, the Dan Marino's, the fucking Peyton Manning's, the Tom Brady's. Okay. So enough with this shit. Okay. Stop watching fucking football week to week and going, this guy is this, and now he's this, now he's that. Go fuck yourselves all you guys. You guys can all go listen to the fucking Verzi effect and fucking do a circle jerk and pat yourselves on the back with your horrific predictions. I love you, Paul. All right. Nia. Hi. Hey, what's going on? You're here just in time for the, for getting into the, the questions. I told them, wait, let me turn this up here. I told them

how the downstairs is finally done. What do you mean? I mean, there's a couple of things. Yeah, I know. I told, I'm not, I cannot muster this endless enthusiasm that you seem to have until it's done until it's 100% fucking done. I know every single little piece is, is done. You know what I mean? I already went down there and there was a couple of fucking things that I'm like, that's the thing. That's what I don't keep going down there. See, you keep going down there every day and I understand that it's important to check on it, but like, you're like, you know, there's like every day. And it's like, I can't go downstairs every day because I will see 100 things wrong with it. And I'm just, I'm giving them time to do their thing. You know, I'm like,

hey, we're done. Then I can look and be like, are you done? Are you really done? Hey, I'm Billy Big Eyes. Billy Big Eyes. Billboard Burr. I still haven't seen your billboard in real life. I want to see it. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, don't be so modest. Well, that's a, well, you know, what am I, I'm gonna bring up a fucking billboard on my own fucking podcast. Well, you didn't bring it up. I did. Hey, by the way, you know, I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. Shut up. By the way, for all you guys, like I somehow, I just, I sent a link. Do you really want to get people going? Send any sort of link about global warming? Like the people who don't think it exists, like they always say the same thing. They go like,

oh, I'm explaining the fucking polar ice. They always talk about the ice age. The ice age or the ice caps? Well, you had the ice age and then it all melted, right? Right? You had the dinosaurs and then what the fucking ice age came, they died, whatever, or a fucking meteor hit, whatever fucking happened, right? But throughout history, you sit there looking at somebody who's fucking got a lazy eye, a little throughout history, the fucking plan is gospel periods, warming up and cooling, right? You're talking like a dentist and he and I'm arguing and I'm a comedian. This is like, this is, this is okay. What they're talking about is the rate, the unprecedented rate of how fast it is heating up. All right. Here's another thing I just saw is that that's

what the argument is, not whether or not the planet heats up and cools down throughout its fucking history. It's the unprecedented rate that it is doing an alarming rate. I almost got that word out. And what are you talking about even? Nobody knows me. I'm trying to fill a fucking hour here. There's over five trillion pieces of fucking plastic. Estimated over five trillion pieces in the ocean. Okay. Yes. It's terrible. I know. Yes. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the few people. Give me shit about this. Sit there and act and think that we don't have like an effect on this fucking planet. Like, do you know those places in the United States where you just can't live there? Because of whatever we put in the ground, nuclear waste, whatever

shit, it's just you can't fucking live there or you will die. Nothing that is alive can live there. It's just dead zones. Name one other fucking animal. I mean, Gypsy Moth Caterpillars is the closest thing I can come to. A what? Gypsy Moth Caterpillars. Gypsy Moth Caterpillars is a real thing. Yeah. They just want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, want, coming up from the south. That doesn't help me envision. And they, and they would just sit there and they would eat up all the trees and stuff and people would have to put like a little piece of plastic around the tree. I swear to God, you are talking about five different things. What are you saying? You were saying that you there are places that you can't live and then you said there's a Moth, except for

the Moth Gypsy, like they're the only ones that could survive in these areas. No, I'm saying name another animal that fucking affects the planet the way we do. Adversely. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I am not a specialist in that area. Oh yeah. You're missing the whole point of the podcast. Unlike you, I will not speculate on it. You're missing the whole point of the podcast. Which is what honey? The point is you don't know what you're talking about with that. Neither do you. No, I mean me. Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm saying when you come on the podcast, you don't know what you're talking about, but that by no means stops you from pontificating. That's true. And throwing out facts that are facts in your world of science and your world alone.

Hang on. I got to read two more advertisements here and then we'll do the, we're going to do the questions for the week. All right. Stamps.com everybody with the holidays almost here. You don't have time to go to the post office to the post office with all the traffic in the parking and the old ladies. And then that douche who shows up with 20 packages in front of you. You don't need it. Okay. It's going to be packed with everyone mailing out the holiday gifts and packages there. So do what I do. Use stamps.com instead with stamps.com. You can avoid all the hassles man of going to the post office during the busy holiday season, everything you would do at the post office you can do right at home from your own desk. All right. Or your bed,

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It takes you over there. Doesn't cost you any more money and they kick a little money over to my podcast. If you want to, if you don't, I totally understand it. All right, let's get to the content for this week. All right, I already read about the wonderful Patrice O'Neill benefit. AMG Mercedes. Ooh, Mercedes. Yeah, Mercedes. Mercedes. You know what AMG stands for? American made great. I don't remember. Mercedes is an American. No, it's German. So the A and the M is the last name of two German dudes. And the G is the hometown of the guy with the last name that begins with an A, according to my two seconds of research. And it's the top of the line. Okay. Fucking like they already have a sick ass German car. And then it's like, you know, they take it to the German gas monkey

garage and they kick it up a notch. Isn't there a car called the MG as well? Yes. My dad had one of those. That's not, that's not the same company or same factory or whatever. But MG was a, was English is what it was. And they had these little two C to race cars. Nice cars. Yes, they were. And a lot of the American soldiers got exposed to European cars, sports cars, two cedars and that type of shit, Italian stuff and English stuff and German shit when no offense to German people, German stuff when they were when they were fighting over fighting over in Europe. And so when they came back, those cars sold over here like the MG, TD and the fucking triumphs and all that shit in the Italian stuff. So anyways, these guys, I don't know if they just make the

best fucking cars anyways. Hey, Bill, just listen to your podcast when you talked about how much you enjoyed your test drive of the AMG wagon, the station wagon, which you just, yeah, yeah, I know, I know you love it, but I'm just, I fucking badass. It's okay because I'm totally with you on the sleeper wagons being badass. I just wanted to write you to see if you've looked into the Cadillac CTS V wagon at all. In my opinion, it looks meaner than the Mercedes and would cost you tens of thousand less. Those Cadillacs are mean looking with that vertical brake light that they have. They just look fucking angry. I love the Cadillac. My stepdad loved Cadillacs and he always looked badass driving them. They're just badass cars. Yeah, absolutely. If I got a bunny mine has one,

it's just a fucking great car. They're great. I'm up, you know, I realized I'm a sedan guy. I really am. I like, I'm too social media. Look at me. I gotta have people in the backseat. If you're going to have a fucking two door car, don't don't have a backseat. That's so dumb. You can have people staring at their taint. It doesn't have to be a station wagon. I mean, I'm not like, do you know what's funny? There's nothing wrong with station wagons, but they just, I don't know, they carry that thing about them that makes it just feel like, I don't know, just like, not that there's anything wrong with having a family car, but like, they're just not sexy. That's what it is. A station wagon is not sexy, whether it's a Mercedes or it's a Cadillac. I just,

you know what it is? It's because you guys, all you guys know is nerds. Who is you guys? If you and everybody else who trashes wagons, if you knew anybody who played in bands, guitar players, drummers, surfers, all these cool badass people drive fucking, yeah. Yeah, because they're carrying, they're carrying like, I see a station wagon for a surfer. That makes sense. The shape was their boards and stuff. Do you plan on putting surfboards in a station wagon? I played drums. I see. And you can't put drums in any other kind of car, but a station wagon, right? All those vans that bands travel around in. They don't get it. They don't get it. Anybody can take a station wagon and yes, all the baddest bands ever. I'm not saying they all did. Look,

anybody can take a fucking like, I just think to look at a fucking like a Corvette or something like that. It's fucking awesome. For that thing to go fast, it's designed to go fast. I just, when you, I'm so sick of arguing with this point, when you look at a station wagon, everything that everybody thinks about a station wagon, that's what makes it cool that the thing then fucking blows you away off the fucking line. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I'm done talking about. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. Firemen. Oh, I asked some firemen to write in, you know, but some shit that they found in a fire and they actually kept it. Oh, really? Yeah. They're not going to tell you what they kept them.

Why? This is all anonymous. Ow. Hey, big, bad bill. My father was a fireman for over 20 years. One morning he came home and handed me a Ren and Stimpy shirt. Oh my God. That's funny. Because he knew I liked him. Stimpy. You idiot. Stimpy. You idiot. You idiot. You don't deserve to live. I didn't put it together right away that he had taken it from a job. He couldn't even buy his kid a simple Ren and Stimpy shirt. He had to steal it from a, I'm sorry. Your dad was a lovely man. I don't mean to diss your dad, but that's just funny of all things to give your kid a t-shirt from a fire. Not like. I feel like he earned it. He put his life on the line. Not like a bike that was managed to be spared or something like that, but a t-shirt. That is kind of weak.

You know, it smelled like fucking soot. Oh, God. Probably had like little holes in it from Amber's landing on it. There you go, kid. Who loves you? Because I didn't put it together right away. He had taken it from a job, but when I did, I felt so horrible thinking that someone's entire life disappeared in a fire and now I had one of their only surviving possessions. I hadn't thought of that shirt in a long time until you brought that up on an unrelated note. Check out the book. Meat is for Pussies by John Joseph. You always make comments that sound like you could be persuaded to try a vegetarianism. I would if I could just get myself into like learning how to cook it. And I just, I bought like, you know how to cook it, you know how to

cook every vegetable, you know how to cook grains, you know how to cook beans and rice and all that kind of stuff. You know how to do it. So you know, I'm a crabby old man. I mean, I know what to do with the pork chop. I don't know what to do with fucking eggplant. No, there's certain foods you like to cook more than others. Like you like to make braised short ribs. You like to make pie. You like to make pumpkin bread. So these are the things that you make. So it's not like you can't cook lasagna. I think this book might help you take the take the final step. The author is a nut who has been singing for a great punk band for the last 30 years, but he's in killer shape and breaks it down in all sorts of conversation. I'm all over this.

Conversational English. It's not boring hippie, dippy, commu pamphlet. It shows all sorts of athletes and fighters who are shredded without using any animal products. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, so it didn't convert me, but it served as a great source for rebuttals. When insecure meat eaters go after me for eating rabbit food and say other dumb things because my eating habits remind them of how shitty their diet is. It's worth checking out. Love the podcast. Keep up to great work. Go fuck yourself. P.S., stop cutting yourself off short when you talk drums, music. I sit through hours of you talking sports, which I still find entertaining, but I don't give a shit about. But every time you get nerdy about drumming, which I love, you say, oh, this is boring, everyone,

and move on. Please stop doing that. I would rather hear you spend a half hour talking about John Bono's right foot than some jerk-off, overpaid meatheads throwing arm. Oh my God, amazing. I suspect that there are others who agree with me. Yeah, that's a solid point. Yeah, guys in station wagons driving to the fucking gig. Who don't eat meat? No. I think vegetarianism is cool, though. There's some really... I would be completely satisfied. You know, I love about if I ate a total vegetarian meal. I don't choose to because I like meat, but I wouldn't be mad if that's all. You know what's great about eating vegetarian, a healthy way of eating vegetarian is you don't get... you can eat, you don't get fat,

and then you don't have to worry, oh, God, I get that working out like me right now. I gotta fucking... But there are some fat vegetarians, though. Yeah, those are the ones who don't read up on it. They just stop eating meat, and they eat fucking chips, cookies, and pasta, and bread. Right. I'm a vegetarian. I can eat that. It's like, which chin just said that? So, no, I would like to do that. Like, I would like to try to... Just as you get older, it's harder and harder to fucking stay in shape, and I just don't want to look like a fucking... you know, you start getting that fucking torso that cops usually find floating in the lake, you know? Oh, my God. Yeah, all bloated. That's because it's been in the

lake. Yeah, that's because you... you know, it's because you're dead. It's because you're dead in the bacteria in your gut. Oh, God. It's already there, Nia. All right, all right. When you die someday, the bacteria that's going to eat you up... You're so morbid. Why are you talking about that? It's in there. It's fascinating. No, it isn't. And it sits in there your whole life. No, it's nature. It's what the fuck's supposed to... Do you have the strangest interests? What's supposed to happen, Nia? Okay, these fucking jerkoffs who get buried and you get stuck in... These fucking jerkoffs who get buried, right? Don't blame them, they're dead. And they get buried and they get shoved in a drawer in the basement of a church. Those people, it's the biggest fucking waste of... it's stupid.

You're fertilizer. Does it put you in the ground instead of being in one of those mausoleums? The whole fucking thing. It's a circle. You just go, okay? You're alive. Why do they decide to put people in those instead of in the ground? Because it's like fancier and you're better than normal people. Yeah, you can't be worm food. You have to be like... No, man, there's something cool about just fucking... Just being right away. You're gone. Dust. Boom. Over. Get out of here. Beat it. Yeah. It's fucking sitting there with your dumb headstone. So people can come up to with Jack Daniels and fucking put their arm around it. That's you, man. He's not there. She's not there. They're fucking there. They're in the air.

You can stay at home and do that. You're just like crazy philosophical tonight. Philosophical or stupid? Both. I know. One or the other. Well, all right. Lying about medical school. I've been lying about medical school to my family and friends for the last two years. I know. He's 23. This is understandable. He's probably... No, he's not 15 and lying about, you know... Jesus. All right. All right. Fine. Fine. Jesus. Can you give the kid a fuck? 23 in the air. Like, if you saw how fucking introverted I was at 23, you know... What? Compared to the glorious social butterfly that you wore today? Jesus. You were on fire.

Listen, I like who I like. Okay. I like... I don't like fucking, you know. I just don't like those big parties. You got to stand there. Do you fucking eyebrows up? Oh, yeah. Is that what you do? Well, it did rain yesterday. Yeah. You're not going to small talk is what it is. It's pointless. And in a little party conversation. I got to come up with some sort of thing to just say and just when they look and you feel the same thing, just be like, dude, don't feel... You don't have to talk to me. We don't have to do this. That sounds like a great way to make somebody feel comfortable. Yeah. No, if they, you know, you know what I mean? These fucking... We don't have to do this. We can just sit here and enjoy the quiet until our wives come over and drag us back into that.

And you just click your drinks and you just... That's actually, it would definitely work between men. That's so funny. Yeah. I would love to... I used to do a bit about... I used to talk about you on stage when you come up. Everything okay? I always end up drifting into a corner at these parties. You're the social butterfly going around. Everybody fucking loves you. I'd just be standing in the corner drinking a mila. Right. But see, okay. And then you come over and just be like, is everything okay? I just... I feel like you're avoiding the party. Yeah. I was with you in the beginning when I was getting to know you and then I realized, you know, what a wildly, you know, dazzling personality that you can be at social gatherings. And I just let you do your own thing and then I

do my thing and then what happened? You always say that I abandon you at parties. No, that was early. Early on. That was weird to me. That I would just go off. That you just, hey, and you'd break off. And I'd be like, what the... I'm used to someone being on my hip and they would just be like, and it's a challenge. So at first it weirded me out. And then I was like, wait a minute. This is perfect. Yeah. You go around, you go around the room and be like, oh, look at you. You lost weight. You do all that. What is in this? What is in this? Oh my God. This is delicious. Hey Bill, come on over and try this. And I'm in the corner like, no, no, I'll set. You find the one other guy at the party that like sports and you guys end up talking all night. It's perfect. It really is perfect. It's

the perfect. I usually, I, you know, nobody's feelings with her. We have, we have very independent social lives. I think that's important. You know, I fucking, I go, I find the room nobody's in. And I just stand there. I know. You always want to sit down. Yes. What are we standing up for? But you know what? I don't like this. I don't like to stand either during a party. Anyway, we have to get back to the question. Watching all the fucking couples competing with each other. Yeah. All the dumb shit that they're doing. You see the fucking woman jealous of her bag. And then you see, he's talking to his eye and then he's sitting there. Oh God, now I got to buy a fucking bag. Got to buy a fucking bag because Susie Q's got the fucking yellow one.

Fucking haters. She's so, she's skinny, right? She's skinny. You know, that's a nightmare chicken. Then you drive home, you got to convince, you got to convince the woman you're with that you didn't want to fuck anybody there at the party. Oh yeah, she was too skinny for me. Yeah, she should have put, she should have left something to the imagination. Thank God her tits were hanging out. Fucking. And it was a great thing to look at while I was in the middle of that awful conversation. Another example of why having independent social lives is so great because I don't invite you to shit because I know that you're not going to be into it. So I don't even invite you. You did forever. I did. And then I stopped and I was like, yeah. Do you want to go to blah, blah, blah, blah?

I'd be like, no. And then you would always go, why? I'm fucking, I died a thousand deaths. Can I tell you something? Give me a fucking break. You died a thousand deaths because I invited you to parties because I want to spend time with you. Oh, just hang you up on that cross. It's so hard. The things that you went to, the fact that they were called parties is an absolute insult. As opposed to what? Standing around with all your bonehead, comedian friends while you insult each other for three hours. That's like supposed to be something amazing. I never called that a party. Certainly not. It is not a problem. What do I say? What do I say when you and Joe DeRosa and Keith Robinson

were going to have dinner and you're like, oh, you can come if you want to. And I said, who's going? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's going? No. Yeah. Then you're smart. Then went to this beautiful, fucking great steakhouse, ate this unbelievable food and all we did was sit there and make fun of Keith's fucking sweater. And then the waitress came over and had the best insult because Keith was defending the sweater. And then she comes over and we go, what are you? Hey, excuse me, miss. And she already knew that we would jerk off. And we just said, what do you think of when you look at Keith's sweater? And she goes, Freddie Kruger. And it was, and it was, and it was such a Freddie Kruger. It was that Thanksgiving colored, thick, striped fucking sweater. I was great.

And he had to just sit there and take it. And that made my meal. And she said, do you want dessert? I said, no, you just gave it to me, sweetheart. Sorry. All right. So he says, I've been lying about my medical school to my family and friends for the last two years. I'm 23. I have aspired to be a doctor ever since moving to the United States when I was 10. I crushed it in high school without really studying, graduated, graduated as, sorry. I already go to salutarian and I graduated as salutarian. I don't even know what that means. Is that number one in the class? Two. Oh, Jesus Christ. Validatorian is number one. Salutatorian is number two. What's, what's the bronze?

I don't know. Maybe just the class president or something. They didn't ascend that high academically, but socially they were popular enough to get voted as president. I was in a supplemental draft. All right. So I had an ego trip going into college and decided to push myself in order to get into the top tier medical schools. By junior year, I was double majoring, working in a research lab and teaching. How do you say that word? Recitation. What the fuck is that? A recitation session of my own. Do you know what that is? I don't. So how do you know that's how you say it? Busted. Why don't you sound it out? Do I have to like help you like a child in school learning words? Sound out. Recitation. See, like recitation.

What else would it be? I don't know. I don't know what it is. And neither do you. How do you know it's not recitation? Anyways, on my own, recitation session of my own on top of volunteering in the ER as an EMT during off hours. I'm going to say this dude burned himself out to make a long story short. I overstated myself. By graduation, my GPA sank so low that no United States medical schools would ever consider my application. I was too ashamed to admit this to my family and friends who have always considered me as the smart one of the bunch. For two years after graduation, I've been lying about working full time and applying to medical school, but rarely, but barely missing the cut. Or at least you're

Oh, you've been lying that you have that about working full time and applying to medical school. Bear. Oh, so that's what's really going on. You're working full time and you keep missing the cut in reality. I am working. Oh, in reality. Oh, that is what you're doing. Sorry. In reality. Oh my god. There's a reason I'm a clown for living torture. How long it's taking you to get through this? In reality, I am working part time secretly taking classes to improve my GPA. And have never applied. This lie has gotten so elaborate that I have been making application sized credit card payments to a credit card. My parents don't know I own. So if they review my bank statements, it actually looks like I've been applying the burden of keeping the truth to

myself and it's gotten so bad that I'm actually starting to feel a disconnect from my family and friends. First question, should I come clean or should I just keep up the lie until I get into medical school? Second question, is it even worth pursuing this dream anymore? By the time I improve my GPA, I'll be 25 plus four years of medical school plus three years of residency. I'll be 32 by the time I have my first day of work. That's still pretty young dude. I would love to take your advice to heart. I think you're far more insightful than you give us. No compliments here. Oh, he came out of it. He goes, I think you're far more insightful than you give yourself credit for, but you're still a balding ginger. Go fuck yourself. Gotta keep you honest over there. Alright,

he's a good shit. I would definitely come clean because this is fucking eating away at you and your brain and it's making you live in a double life here. I would definitely do it. And if it still really is your dream, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, who cares how long it takes, but something tells me that I didn't graduate regular regular college until 25. Yeah, that's true. Um, and it doesn't, I don't know, I get the feeling that he actually doesn't want to be a doctor anymore. Well, no, I didn't see that word. I mean, I don't know. I'm in. I don't know. What do you think? Um, cause I just feel like, I don't know. I just feel like he or she is probably he though. I just feel like the way it's written as a guy, I just feel like, yeah, maybe you got burned out

and really you don't, maybe you don't want to do it anymore. Is there a possibility that there's other things that you want to do? But either way, no, you shouldn't lie anymore because, and it's not so much about other people. It's like you were saying it's about you. It's how it's eating you up inside and making you feel disconnected from your family and friends. That's not good. Like they, they love you. You know, I think it really comes down to, they don't want you to be miserable. Hopefully this guy's academically George Foreman, right before he fought up, fought Eileen where he just never lost, never got knocked down. And then when Eileen knocked him down, he said years later that he could have got back up, but he'd never been there before. And I think

this dude was crushing it without fucking trying because he was so smart. And then it got a little hard and he's dealing with, um, like, uh, dealing with a couple of losses. You got to turn it around, dude. It's not a, you're not even fucking at 23 years old, dude. That's way too young to pack in your, look at this way. This is how I always looked at it. All right. You're 23. All right. You're saying by the time you get through all this bullshit, you're going to be 32. What would you rather be at 32, 32, not a doctor or 32 just became a doctor if that's what you want to do. All right. Because someday, dude, you're going to look at 32 years of age and be like, Jesus, I was a kid. I was a fucking kid. I still had it all ahead of me and you do. So stop being so hard

on yourself. Come clean because it seems like it's, it's, you're turning yourself into a bit of a sociopath here. Um, yeah. Cause two years is a long time. And the fact that you're making these payments, like the credit card and stuff, that's a little much. Yeah. So what are you doing? Like buying flat screen TVs to be like, oh, that's for this. And then you, yeah, that's a little, yeah, that's, that's taking it too far. I mean, it takes the TV and throws it over the backyard fence. Yeah. There's really no need to get this elaborate with it. You let's, let's scale back before you do anything. And here's the thing is upset is your parents get at some point,

you guys are all going to laugh at it. You're all going to laugh at the shit that my parents laugh at the stuff that I fucking did. Yeah. I got arrested for drinking and driving. I've never seen my mother have a more disappointed look on her face. She still rolls her eyes, but when I tell the story, she laughs now, she laughs, they'll get over it. All right. They'll get over it. Okay. But, uh, you know, I just, she still want to be a doctor, dude. The fact that you'd be a doctor at 32 would be fucking amazing. Yeah. Of course. I like becoming a doctor is fucking amazing. It's so hard. If you want to do it. If you want to do it. Oh my God, it is so hard. It's so hard, you guys. No, because he is saying, I'm, what did he say? I'm working part-time. I'm secretly

working part-time to take the classes to improve and have never applied. Um, hmm, do you like working part-time though? And what are you working at? Cause I feel like there's something else that he's interested in doing. Okay. Yeah. Like I know he wants, he says he wants to be a doctor and I don't doubt that, but I bet what if there's something else that might be even more interesting and I don't know, not make you turn into a person that has to make up a second life. I don't know. The way I read it, I don't think he ever had to. I think he just put too much pressure on himself. Oh yeah. That's true too. I think his parents will be fine with it. And if they're not, then they're not your real parents. That's right. They're not

your real parents. You know, they say that if they don't agree, then you're not your real friends. But your, but your mental, like emotional well-being is, is way more important than, uh, medical school, I feel like, ultimately. Right? Uh, I wasn't listening to you. I was already looking at the next question. You know what? Before I came in here, I was reading about adult ADHD, because you know, I like to read it every couple of months and like make you take a quiz just to confirm the facts. Bring it in here. I'll take the quiz. I'll take the quiz right now. Have adult ADHD. Should I go get it? Go get it. I'll take it. And I'll answer the next one. I'm going to fucking destroy this test. You know, she's out of the room. You know, I'm going to destroy it. I'm

just going to fucking lie. Never let the broad in your life psycho fucking analyze you. All right. Whether you want it or not, they're already going to be running around in your head. You don't need to fucking open the door. You know what I'm saying? When you get in a relationship with a woman, you remember that Star Trek one where they fucking tied those guys' hands behind their back and they stuck that worm in their fucking helmets and they put it on and they went in their ear. That's what I'm talking about. All right. Skating rink. Dear Billy Bruins, you've been talking a lot about your home renovation, but we never heard much about the yard, which leads me, uh, leads to my suggestion

of installing some ice in your backyard. Dude, I live in Los Angeles. Surprised me how few people have these things going on regardless of whether or not you could actually do it. Is that something you would want to have two out of the four seasons of the year? P.S. Maintain the Ice would be the hardest part. Thank you. Dude, are you kidding me? I would love to have a rink in my backyard. Although, would I want to go through living in a place where I have to go through winters? I did that for 40 years. I did my time. I bought enough ice scrapers in my life. I love the winter. I like to visit it at this point. And, you know, and all you guys who say I'm a pussy now, you show me how it's done by staying back there in the fucking goddamn winter.

Anyways, all right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Thank you for listening. We're waiting. Oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, I finally got some Boston dates coming your way. A rumor has it that all freckles is coming to town sometime possibly possibly in May. And I'm going to do a run of dates at the Wilber Theatre. I'll let you know. I'll let you know definitely when when that's going down. And also, I'm going to be doing another bus tour through the south. And we're not fucking around this time. We're going to go to I want to try to avoid all major cities in the south. I want to go. I don't want to go to Nashville. I just was there. I want to go to Knoxville, Memphis, Shoe Fly, North Carolina, mobile. I already got a theater.

I'm picking out to go to Mississippi. I've never done stand up in Mississippi. Somebody showed me one and I want to go to some cool venues, some old theaters that have some history. Somebody showed me one in Shreveport, Louisiana, that both Elvis and Johnny Cash played at. It's pretty big. I don't know if I could fill it, but that's what I'm that's what I'm looking to do. And then after I booked the tour, phase two is I want all you fucking southern people to tell me where you eat in that town. And I won't fucking tell anybody. I won't blow up the spot. You just let me know where to go. Some mom and pop fucking place. Do not tell me about the Applebee's or the Cracker Barrel or whatever the fuck. I want to know where the fuck you go, you know, to eat. Okay, that's the

deal. Now let me take this fucking test here. Here we go. All right, ready? This is the whole that I have to study. The whole thing is the whole thing is never rarely, sometimes often. Okay, that's how you answer. Is that the title of it? No, that's how you answer. You already failed. That sounds like a fucking the name of a book. How often do you rarely sustain your intention while doing something for work, school, hobby or fun activity, e.g. remaining focused during lectures? That's too many fucking things. Hobby, if I'm playing drums, I haven't even finished the question. Are you going to do this or not? All right, good. I'll just pretend you have like power over me. How often do you have difficulty sustaining your attention while doing something

for work, school, a hobby or fun activity? Never. If you already know the answers, never rarely, sometimes often often. Okay, how often are you easily distracted by external stimuli, like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? What? Say it again. I was already thinking about the joke. I was in the middle of it. I was going, can I imitate Barbarina? What are people going to get it? Oh my God, I don't even need to. I don't even need to ask you often. How often are you easily distracted by external stimuli? You're not a doctor. You're not a doctor. You're a quiz. I'm not saying I'm a doctor. Quiz by who? Quiz, psychcentral.com. Oh, shit. Fucking forget it then. Whatever they say I am. How often do you avoid

disliked or are reluctant to engage in tasks? I hate people who spell psych. S-I-S. I'm psyched and they spell it with an S. It's so gay. How often do you avoid dislike or are reluctant to engage in tasks? I dare you embarrass me like this on my own fucking podcast. Sustained mental effort or thoughts? You know all these answers are going to be awful. No, I actually didn't hear the first part of it. Oh my God, I've heard it like three times. You cannot fucking pay attention to save your fucking life. Everything you read. No, because it reminds me of other shit. That's exactly what ADHD is. ADHD is you can't focus. It doesn't mean it reminds you of other shit. Bill, like the second question was how often are you easily distracted by external stimuli?

Like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? That was question number two, Bill. Often. Oh my God. How often do you have trouble listening to someone even when they are speaking directly to you? Like your mind is somewhere else? Often. It's not somewhere else. They're not interesting. And then I just start going, look at their shoes. Screw you. You're saying I'm not interesting. No, don't fucking do it. You can make it all about you. Well, I got a fucking disease over here. Often. How often do you have difficulty in organizing a task or activity needed to get done, e.g. poor time management fails to meet deadlines, difficulty managing sequential tasks? Not one of those was good. What? Oh, I thought those are what you said in the end with the options.

I told you at the beginning that it's never rarely, sometimes or often. That's how you answer. Somewhere between rarely and sometimes. I get shit done. I'm a successful fucking guy. That's true. So why don't we say sometimes? Okay, how's that? Well, you're not supposed to say it. I was supposed to say it. What do you mean we? Well, I apparently need to coach you through this because you keep getting distracted. Oh, you are a devil woman. How often do you fail to give close attention to details or make careless mistakes in things such as schoolwork at work during other activities? Rarely. Take my work seriously. Sat in that fucking writer's room six, seven, eight hours a day. I didn't have to be there

because I showed up like the douche. Hey, write me something. That's true. I didn't. I sat there. How often do you forget to do something you do all the time, such as missing an appointment or paying a bill? Not all the fucking time. Not paying a bill, though. I pay bills. Yes, you do. Yeah. But the important shit in here, the important shit, I'm fucking locked and loaded. I'll put sometimes all the dumb shit. How often do you lose misplace or damage something that's necessary in order to get things done? Your phone, eyeglasses, paperwork, wallet, keys, etc. Do I lose it or damage it? What do you mean damage it? Throw it? How often do you lose misplace or damage? Either one? Oh, all fucking time. Yes. How often do you have trouble following

through on instructions or failing to finish schoolwork chores or duties in the workplace? E.g., you start a task, but quickly lose focus and are easily sidetracked. Sometimes, but not that much. I'm really good with the work thing, Nia. Yeah, no, I would agree with that. Obviously, you are. There's no doubt that you are successful. So what is the end game of this? So then you find out I have fucking ADHD, fucking whatever, and then what? I lose the argument about the fucking closet downstairs? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly?

Well, I mean, cigar smoking is pretty quiet. I love doing that. Sometimes. Rarely. Okay, rarely. How often do you have difficulty waiting your turn, such as while waiting in line? Well, who the fuck wants to stand in line? Let's go. No, if I see a long line, I just think about what is, is it really worth standing in line? Is this, you know, imperative to my fucking survival? I don't need it. I'm out. Often. How often do you feel like you're on the go, acting as if you're driven by a motor,

e.g., you're unable to be or uncomfortable being still for an extended period of time? All right, all right, I see where this is going. Such as in a restaurant or a meeting? No, I like going to restaurants. Bill, at the end of a meal, right? While people are still finishing dessert, you literally have your coat on and you have your credit card out, you're holding it on the table, like looking around. I know, because that's because of the fucking small talk throughout all of it.

Oh, here's the story. People tell a story. You know, this is when you know a story is bombing. In the middle of it, you have to go, so then the fuck isn't grabbing that coat? Sometimes I'll put. How often do you leave your seat and how often do you leave your seat in situations when remaining seated is expected? Tempest on whether I'm being entertained, leaving your place in the office or workplace. If I'm being entertained, sometimes. Okay. Yeah, I have a hot fucking, you know, how often do you blurt out an answer before a question has been completed, e.g. completed another person's sense or can't wait your turn in conversation?

Oh, an answer like I know the answer because that doesn't happen because I just don't know the answer. How often do you blurt out an answer? Never happens. Or a question has been completed. Jeopardy or wheel of fortune never happens. That's just, that's, I'm going to, I'm putting often and you know it's often. Can I put often? Do whatever you want. This fucking test isn't going to affect my life in any way. I don't know what your point is. How often do you feel restless, like you want to get out and do something? Yeah, like I get up and during the day and I want to do something. Yeah,

I don't want to lay around like a douche. So yeah, often. How often do you fidget with or tap your hands or feet or swarming your seat? How many more? That's the same fucking question over and over and over again. How often do you fidget or tap or squirming your seat? I don't know, sometimes. Okay. How often do you find yourself talking excessively? Can I tap out? Can I tap out? How often do you find yourself talking often? Sometimes I'm running my mouth all the fucking times. Other times I climb up,

like when I'm at a party. I don't walk in and take it over. I see everybody, talking about their bullshit. I'm just, this is awful. You don't understand the coin. I don't say anything. Okay, sometimes. How often do you interrupt or intrude on others, such as budding into their conversation or taking over what others are doing? Well, I was with it until the end, taking over. It's a little fucking hard. Budding in or taking over. Yeah, this is all the same fucking question over and over again.

See, a patient, non ADHD person would be able to take this quiz and like... You know what, this is just mind rape. All right, it's almost done. Were several of the symptoms present prior to age 12? No. You never felt this way as a little boy? Okay, no. No, I didn't. All right. The fuck was I worried about? Do these symptoms appear in at least two or more settings at home and school?

Or home and work or whatever? Yeah. All right, your score. Is this 20 questions? You scored a total of 42 based upon your responses to this adult ADD-ADH screening quiz. You have replied in a way similar to people who have symptoms of moderate to severe attention deficit disorder. Moderate to severe? Moderate to severe.

That's pretty much the entire gamut. Oh, there you go, psych.com. You might have it a little bit or severe. All of that mental torture. Do you see why I tap out? Symptoms typically worsen in situations that require sustained attention or mental effort or that are boring. You know, that was written by boring people that are tired of getting interrupted by exciting people like me. Exciting creative forces of nature like Bill Burr, everybody.

Ah, go fuck yourself. I love you anyway. Oh, don't fucking see what you just did. You dragged me through my own shit and then they go, but I love you. Hey, look at this right here. This is the guy I worked with the other day, Brad Carter. Who? Right there. You remember him? Right?

Look at this picture right there. Reggie LeDoux. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reggie LeDoux did that shit. He was awesome. Yeah. I'm going to post a video. He had, he had, he's got a video on the internet says man plays guitar while having brain surgery and it's him.

What? Because they were, they were, I'll let him tell the fucking story. I already sound dumb enough as it is, but uh, fucking, uh. That's cool. Amazing fucking actor. Funny as fucking hell and like can be scary if he wants to be. I'm really looking out for this guy to do big shit, man. All right. That's the Monday morning podcast, everybody.

Good luck with your holiday shopping and good luck. If your fucking wife comes in and goes, hey, you want to take a test because I can tell you right now she has a fucking axe to grind and you're going to fail it. All right. Go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you next week. Merry Christmas everybody. Yeah. That's next week. Oh, is that next week?

Yeah. 10 days away. Oh my God. It's coming up. It's coming. Coming up. It's coming so fast. All right. See you.