Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-13

Episode Date: December 17, 2013

Bill rambles about the last leg of the European tour, the miserable Irish and why skiing is worth blowing your knee out.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 16th, 2013. And I am recording here on, it's actually December 17th, finally back from Europe. Apologize for the podcast being so late, but I was in Iceland and when the fuck am I ever going to be there again? So I had to do some shit Sunday and then Monday I was flying all the way back and I'm actually not that jet lagged. It worked out nice. I tried and I tried to stay up on the plane. I tried to stay awake as long as I could for most of the flight because I knew that I was landing at 7pm LA time, 7.25 or something. So I figured if I could just fucking stay up, you know, Nia picks me up to the airport. I just get my ass home and then if I fall asleep, it'll be like 9, 10 o'clock at night.

I woke up, right? I looked at the clock and I wondered what the fuck time it was. I thought it was like two something in the morning because my clock had fell off the bed there, the digital one there that I've had since the fucking 70s there. And I thought it said 2.30 in the morning and I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. I thought I did it right and then all of a sudden it was 6 o'clock and I realized the clock was upside down and that was 5.30. Is this even remotely exciting? I don't know if it is or not. I'm trying to keep my voice down because the lovely Nia is still sleeping upstairs. Beautiful angel that she is and I got my dog down here. I'm psyched. Gonna go hiking today, get back into it.

I swear to God, I don't have the nerve to step on the goddamn scale, alright? And if I sound like some skinny bitch, well fuck you. I'm in this business and I read your tweets and I see when you see my face, you start calling me a fat cunt, alright? And I gotta tell you it hurts sometimes, alright? No, seriously. No, I'm fain. You gotta be if you're in this business. So I think I put on at least 10, 12 pounds. I started eating like a fucking goddamn Roman god three weeks ago in Italy and it never stopped. I kept thinking to myself like alright, when the tour starts, when the tour starts, I'm gonna be fucking good.

I'm gonna be disciplined, but it just didn't work out that way. It was, you know, this past week, I just, I think I mentioned it last week. I did a seven country, seven city run in, what was it, six cities? London, Dublin, Helsinki, Copenhagen, also Sweden. Okay, six, but I did two nights in London, so it was seven nights in a row. Basically touring like a band, how they do it, and I have a whole new respect for anybody that's touring as a band. That was hard enough to do by myself with no equipment. I don't have to bring anything, I just fucking show up, mic in a mic stand, go up to the microphone.

I love when they want to go, you want to do a sound check? It's like, well, did it sound okay when you talked into it? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. What am I gonna do? Go up there, fuck, fuck, fuck, cunt, cunt, cunt, you know? So anyways, I lost another mixer on this fucking trip. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice.

Oh, red face is a dumb fuck. There's something about these hundred dollar mixers, believe it or not. They don't have any sort of, I don't know, something to prevent the surge. I don't know what it is because I had the adapter, or the converter, I should say. Convert, no, the adapter. I forget what that fucking guy in Helsinki dressed me down two years ago. It is not a converter, it is an adapter. You are not converting the electricity, you are adopting it with your devices, yes.

Oh, fuck you, Hans. What's a good Swedish name? I don't know, or a Finnish name, I have no fucking idea. This podcast is gonna be all over the map. I apologize one more time for the sound quality here. You know, my mixer's shit to bed, I just discovered that, so. But the good thing is y'all things, comedy, networks, new studios are up and running. And hopefully I have a nice surprise guest that I'm gonna try to be interviewing.

He's got a big movie coming out, look at me teasing it, tickling you with it. But I don't want to say he's gonna be on it because I know he's fucking busy doing press for it. But I ran into him when I was in Dublin, which was the greatest fucking thing ever. Him and his friends were fucking hyping the movie and I was in Dublin and we just went out and fucking drank and sang Christmas songs. It was fucking awesome. Such a great tour. And yeah, at the risk of being corny, I gotta tell you, at one point I was doing a second show in Finland. And I had this feeling when I was on stage that I was doing exactly what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing in life. I can't explain it. There's something about making people laugh that far away from where you live

and where you speak a language and if you're still connecting, that's pretty much about as great an affirmation that, you know, I'm really... I'm supposed to be doing it. This shit is still working this far away. Oh, what a fucking week. What a week. I gotta tell you something right now. I did a show in Dublin, Ireland and all the crowds were great. But I gotta tell you, those fucking people in Ireland are the funniest. I can't even explain. I swear to... There's something about when I go through Great Britain and Ireland, it's like Scotland and Ireland, they're like the knuckleheads that I grew up with. And when I go to London, London is like...

It's kind of like all the people that I met when I went to New York that were from Boston. So they did move away from where they were from, but they still brought that thing with them because people in London are hilarious. But I was doing a show, Dublin, on Monday night at the Vickers Street Theater or something, just this awesome venue. By the way, Jim Gaffigan's gonna be there if any of you Irish kinds of listen to this. You gotta go see him. I'm supposed to tweet about that. I'm gonna do that today. The hilarious Jim Gaffigan's gonna be there. Anyway, so it was on a Monday night. It's a really hard night to try and sell tickets. And these people showed up in force and I can't even tell you how... They were fucking hilarious. I was on stage and there was this thing I was talking about about people hugging their kids.

And now that is a good thing, but if you do it too much, you could potentially make a weaker. So I mentioned... I've been telling this story for like six to eight months. And I've been saying how my mother wasn't a hugger and didn't hug us when we were kids. And people just listen and it's just a small detail that leads to this other part that I want to talk about. So I've said that line uneventfully. That's even a fucking word. With no issue whatsoever. For like six months. Now I'm in fucking Ireland. And I just throw that line out there like I'm not even thinking about it. And say, yeah, I said, you know, my mother didn't hug me when I was a kid.

And I'm getting ready to say the next sentence. And like 15% of the crowd goes... I'm not even doing it the way they did it. Just collectively broke my ball. It was just such the classic fucking... It was like that Boston Irish thing that I grew up with distilled to its purest form with actually real Irish people. Where you almost have to be there to fucking understand what was behind it. It was like, I opened the emotional door just to crack. And automatically it's just they just bust your balls about it. Like, ah, you fucking, you know, like, you think they think we got hugs?

You freckled cunt. Shut the fuck up and tell the joke. I can't even, it just, I've been trying to, I would try to explain it to Nia. She laughed, but it's still, you kind of had to be there. And then, you know, so I laughed. I was like, I'm not fucking trying to get your sympathy. I'm trying to get to this next part, you assholes. And the whole crowd fucking laughs. And then like a half hour later, what I had done when I was over there was I bought a bunch of DVDs with me.

Like just the, basically the DVD itself, this little paper thing. I was just handing them out to people because I'm trying to get them to show other people, you know, when I'm out there. So I can keep coming back, basically trying to get them to spread the word in my comedy. And then someone's just like, well, why don't you just put it on Spotify, you dumb fuck. And I'm like, ah, because I'm old, all right. I feel like I have to bring the hard copy. So I tell these assholes that I'm giving them free DVDs at the end of the show. And I'm halfway through that spiel, telling them that they're getting a free DVD.

All right. And I'm in the middle of it. And I hear this guy in the back that kind of goes, oh fuck off. I don't even think I didn't even explain what I was doing. I don't know if I had gotten to the part where they were free. I don't know what the fuck or it was the fact that I was trying to once again go to a nice place where, hey, you know, I really appreciate you guys coming out. This really means a lot to me. And I want to keep coming back here because I think you got a great country or whatever.

I just opened in the door that much. Oh fuck off. So I finally just looked and I went, Jesus Christ. They were already laughing. I was like, you know what? I've played in 20, almost 22 years as a comedian. I have played in front of some miserable motherfuckers, but you guys and they were already laughing are the most miserable fucking cunts I've ever been. And they loved it.

Absolutely loved it. And it killed me that I couldn't go out drinking with the crowd because I had to fucking go had an early flight, of course, all the way over to Helsinki. But and it was just kind of those moments all the way through the tour that were unreal like in Helsinki. I hope I'm not boring you guys with this shit, but in Helsinki I did two shows and the first show I went out and I just like felt like I couldn't get on a roll. For like a lot of the show like I get laughs and then it would stop. I would get laughs and it would stop. And I was like, and it got to the point like there was one point in the first show that's something I said bomb so hard that I almost got a little depressed. And I definitely thought because in my head some I was thinking about like, wow, I think I've reached the limits to where my act works.

I get on the other side of the Baltic Sea and you really feel that when you get on the other side of the Baltic Sea, you get that feeling like, you know, where I'm not in Europe anymore. You're starting to feel like I am heading towards the Soviet Union. Even though, you know, a good what 20% of that country is in Europe. You just get this. I can't explain it. You're definitely you're in Eastern Europe. You're starting to get like that Baltic Slavic fucking vibe and and I had to use all these tricks that I've learned as a comedian over the years to basically stop the. I don't know what the proverbial comedy jet from going into a spin and you know, crashing into the ground I just committed harder.

I started improv enough trying to tag every joke with something new something to get me present. And I was able to I still had a good show and everything and I know they had a good time but I was thinking in my head like man this guy wanted me to go to Estonia, which is basically like a fucking 50 minute boat ride from Finland. And I was thinking like there's no fucking way I'm going there. I think I've reached the end. And then something happened during the second show. I was talking about getting a gun. And how I like this one gun because it was quieter and those bigger ones are too fucking loud and if you pull the trigger you're going to fucking destroy your ears. And they're laughing and shit.

And then as I come to the end of the joke, you know, they laughed and then it was kind of quiet and then some guy in the crowd yelled out, you know, get a silencer. And I was like, well silencers are illegal where I'm at. I know in Jacksonville, Florida, they're legal because I use them, but they're illegal or I'm at they basically say that, you know, I want to murder somebody and I don't want anybody to know in the next room. And then it just dawned on me. And I was like, I just, I've been in front of really smart crowds before and they laugh and shut up and laugh and shut up. These fucking guys, the people were so smart. They were sitting there. They were trying to solve the problem of the joke.

They're laughing at the joke while coming up with solutions. So I finally said to him, I said, listen, I was like, is this what you guys are doing? All right, I'm like, this isn't this isn't a fucking think tank. It's just a comedy show. And I somehow connected with them in that moment. And then I had them for the rest of the way. And I just started riffing on that anytime a joke would only do okay. I would just start riffing on like the solution to whatever the joke was.

And that got him back in and I was able to get on a get on a roll with them. And it was just kind of that all week, dude. And I was, oh my God, fucking Helsinki. I watched the sun go down at like 330 in the afternoon from my hotel. Oh, I think by the time I got there, that's right. By the time I got to Helsinki, because I had to connect in London at AFROW, which by the way, is if you ever have to go to Heathrow Airport, I would suggest doing two hours of yoga before you get there. It is a unbelievable test of your patients, of your cardio, your sanity, and it's fucking.

And I, of course, you know, I failed miserably. I lose my shit at LAX. Put it this way, if you can avoid, if you ever go to Europe, here's a travel tip for you and you could avoid connecting. If you're not going to London, I would highly recommend not connecting in London, because it's not like connecting in other, I've never had to get off. You got to run through a whole terminal and then wait for a bus that isn't coming for seven minutes. And then by the time the bus comes, there's so many fucking people, or there's already too many people, you got to wait for the next bus in another seven minutes.

You finally get on that fucking thing. I mean, it is a shit show. Oh, and by the way, if anybody lights up a cigarette, it's going to be too foggy for anything to land, so you're going to be delayed wherever the hell you're at. I went through that fucking thing like three times. It's still an incredible airport. It's just the sheer size of it you have to respect, but I have to tell you, give yourself plenty of time, if you can, to connect.

Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. I don't know what, so where the hell did I go from there? I think I went to Copenhagen after that. Copenhagen, yep, I did a show there. It was fucking amazing. And you guys got to forgive me all the comedians that I work with, because I went night after night after night after night, and you guys had some pretty crazy names.

I think this guy's name was Christian or something like that. I can't remember. Really, really smart guy, really cool guy, and gave me a bunch of tags for jokes, and they were actually really funny. A lot of times when somebody does that, they're fucking horrific, but, and you got to sit there smiling like,

yeah, you know, I'm going to try that. His were actually great. So what else, what else, what else? Fuck, you know what, I just realized I left it upstairs. When I was in Iceland, one of the two comedians that opened up for me, both of them were great. Couldn't understand what the fuck they were saying, but one of them gave me a book.

I'm going to give it a try, but one of them gave me a book. I'm going to hit pause, and I'm going to go upstairs and get it. If you guys like, you know, like those, you know, like those cartoon strips, like the far side, where it's just a picture, and they write something funny. All right, well, if you like something, absolutely just completely sick and twisted,

I just sat down and recorded, hang on, I'm going to look, I'm going to look it up right now. I got to find this, because it's fucking hilarious. I mean, he was killing, like, all the comics I was with, we would just, after we did the show, we went to dinner, and we were passing the book around, laughing our asses off. Let's see, I hate dolphins.

There it is. I hate dolphins. Book. What the fuck is it? Come on, man, it came up. I saw when it came up. Hold on. I mean, one of his, one of his cartoons,

there it is, one of his cartoons has a stick figure. They're like stick figures drawing, and he's running, it's a father running after his kids with his, like, acoustic guitar over his head, and screaming, it's your fault, I'm not a rock star. And then one of the little kids running away is going, Daddy, no. And it's just, another one is you got two guys

are standing over another stick figure that's laying on the ground, and it looks like it's just blown its brains out, and one of the stick figures looks at the other and goes, something like, you want to fuck them? It's just the darkest, sickest shit. He's got two books. There's other ones called something like,

my pussy's hungry, I don't know what it is. This guy, I don't know how to say his fucking name. It's just search. I hate dolphins, and the comedian's name, it's, I don't know, and it's spelled H-U-G-L-E-I-K-U-R, and his last name is D-A-G-S-S-O-N, and man, this fucking book is hilarious.

Half the shit that's funny is you look at it, you laugh, and then you hand it to your friend, and he's looking at it. You know, you read what it says, and you've got to kind of look at the picture and put it together. So watching your friend taking in the joke is, I think it's even more enjoyable,

but he was fucking funny, man. He broke my balls when he brought me up, like, switched into English, and I forget, I can't remember what the fuck he was saying. It was just great. And the guy who came on before him was also awesome. They were just really, really funny people. Dude, Iceland is insane.

Do you know they have an app over there that basically when you meet somebody and you want to start dating them, you just search it and you see how you're related. It'll show how you're related. I'm going to say that again. They have an app over there. You meet a woman in a bar,

or a woman meets a guy, or whatever, a couple of twinkle-toes meet you each other there. You fucking, you just, there's an app that will say, not if you're related, how you're related, because everybody there is fucking related. And you know what's funny?

They're absolutely the fucking great-looking people. So I think they spread it out far and wide. Oh, they actually, the cab drivers over there, they have a joke in Iceland, and people in Great Britain and Ireland aren't going to like this. They basically sit, because people always talk about how beautiful the women are,

and they said, well, basically the Vikings, when they would conquer other people, they would just take all their good-looking women, and they would take them away with them. Talk about the ultimate defeat. Yeah, take my farmland. I don't give a shit. Take all the beautiful women.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Just kill me now. So they're saying that they took them all out of Great Britain, took them out of England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland, and they took them all to Iceland, and that's why their women are so much better looking, because there's no good-looking women in the other one,

which isn't true, but of course they say that, but it's fucking hilarious. And also, they fucking eat everything, because they live on an island. So when you go to the menu, they had pigeon on the menu, but I think that that's their word for dove. A buddy of mine, he ordered it,

and I had a piece of it, tasted it all right, little fucking gamey, and then they also had whale, and that was the only thing that I didn't like about Iceland, was there's a number of restaurants that you went into, and you could actually eat whale, which to me is like eating an elephant. You know what I mean?

There's just certain animals, you know, like look, if they had like a jackal sandwich, or a fucking hyena sandwich, you know, there's certain animals where you're just like, you know what, you're a cunt, or there's enough of you. Like, I'll eat venison, I don't give a fuck.

You know, there's plenty of goddamn deer running around with their disease ticks. Okay. Fucking up the front ends of a bunch of cars. I don't give a shit about that, but whales, I mean, they're like endangered. They must not be endangered because, or at least Iceland doesn't give a fuck.

I don't really understand how that works, but you could actually eat whale. And I was just like, that was the only thing that upset me when I was in Iceland. Iceland is fucking unbelievable. You walk around, and I recommend going in the wintertime.

Don't go in the summer when there's a bunch of people with jean shorts walking around, fuck that. You go in the summertime and they got this thing, the blue lagoon spa there that you go into, it's fucking, I can't even describe it, dude, it's fucking insane.

You're in this fucking giant salt water pool that's heated, this steam coming off it, you're surrounded by snow, and everything just looks blue. It's like you have on those, someone was saying,

Mitch Hedberg rest his soul, those blue tinted sunglasses that he used to wear. It's like you're wearing those fucking things. I don't, it was an absolutely amazing, amazing, fucking amazing trip. I had a great time in Sweden. I just don't want to leave any city out here.

Sweden, I performed in this theater and almost looked like you were in like a circus tent, but it was a theater, when you looked out, you felt like you were standing in the middle, but it was like, because it was like in the round, but not totally. It was like a semi-circle kind of thing.

And Oslo, Oslo was the place I spent the least amount of time, but I just had a great time. That's another great thing. Cubans are legal, and there are ways to get them back in the country. Wink, wink.

Let's just say that daddy's going to be fucking drinking a lot of Scotch over the next month. And it's also a great thing too if you've got buddies who smoke cigars. Yeah, he sneaks something for them. Or maybe you don't. You allegedly do it. I'm going to do a podcast.

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forward slash burr. What do we got here left? We got two more left. All right, we'll do some more podcasting and then I'll get back to that. So, is there anything else I can tell you guys about

oh, here's a good one for jet lag. I like to fly at night. Leave wherever you're going. Like if you're flying east to west, if you fly around 3, 4 in the afternoon, that's also the sweet spot at the airport, by the way, because then you're coming around 2, 1,

2 o'clock in the afternoon. And for the most part, people wherever they're staying, they either want to get the fuck out of there or they want to try to stretch in another day. So, they either fly between 6 in the morning to 10 or they start leaving around

5 or maybe 7 because they want to skip the rush hour traffic. So, that's a good time to go. And, you're basically, you're flying into night. So, it's easy to go to sleep. You can get 8 hours. You're definitely going to be jet-lagged when you get to Europe. But coming back,

when did I leave? You know, it sucked. The only thing that sucked when I was coming back was I was in Iceland. So, I'm halfway across the Atlantic Ocean. But it was like a zillion dollars and way more miles than I had to try to get a nice business class seat

straight to LA. So, I had to fly back to fucking AFROW. Connected in AFROW. And, I was getting off Icelandic air and switching to virgin air. So, I had checked my bag and I had to fucking

go to baggage claim. I had to go through customs, go down and get the fucking bag and then do the bus thing to the this thing to the that thing with the fucking bag. And dude, you want to hear about a whiny cunt cursing up a fucking storm. And then I ended up having plenty of time.

I had plenty of time. I ended up drinking a couple of scotches there and I talked to some woman who was from Poland and I was saying, you know, I had some people come out to my shows in Poland in Copenhagen. I'd love to go there. She's like, where do you want to go? And I was like Warsaw and she just shook her head.

She's like, hey, I want to go there. It's too commercial and she fucking broke down all the Poland for me. So, I'm telling you guys, you got to do it. You got to do it. If you got the time or whatever or make time, fuck that. Even if you got kids, fuck it. Alright, fuck it in that second flat screen

TV. Fuck that college education. It's going to be there. Okay, they're not going to get a college education because you spent fucking seven days in Europe one fucking time. One time you spent it there and you dropped them off with with the parents to watch

them. That's great. They're going to get close to your grandparents, you know, your parents will get to spend time with your kids and you'll get to go over there get to see the world from a different perspective. You got to fucking do it. Highly recommend it and you can do it on the fucking cheap. You really can't.

Just get your fucking asses over there and have yourself a salmon sandwich. Alright. I really hope as many people as, you know, fucking go, you know, it's great and I've been reading when I was in Scotland. I told you somebody gave me this book, David Lee Roth's book that came out in the late 90s

crazy from the heat. I got to tell you this is a fucking killer book, man. What I love about it is he's not dishing a bunch of dirt about Van Halen and going Eddie's a cunt and Michael Anthony and Alex and all that. He definitely takes a shot here or there, but he went through

a real painful fucking thing with the ending of that. God knows they trashed him enough, but a lot of it is he's describing what it's like to be on the road and right now he's talking about the extensive travel that he's done

talking about he ended a tour in 83 with Van Halen in Argentina so he's with the security guy, Big Ed. Not to be confused with Eddie Van Halen. This is a different guy, Big Ed, and he's like, well, you know, we kind of have to go past the, uh, the Amazon

to get back to LA. Why don't we go there and Big Ed was like, oh, yeah, I've always wanted to go to Africa and David Lee's just like, alright, close enough whatever. So he talks about just like

dropping a boat into the Amazon River and going fucking down the river up the river, whatever he's doing, getting dysentery, feeling like he's going to die, having 12 second convulsions. Um, this is a fucking rockstar. Who the hell does this shit, man? It's really, really amazing

and when I put down the book this morning, he was about ready to go up, uh, he was in the Himalayas going through the valley, approaching Mount Everest. Um, he has this great theory of like, you know, because he's a

night guy, that he's seen all these great cities. He always brings his bicycle on tour and he rides a bike through the city at night and he said, you really get to see the city and feel the spirits of the city and I was thinking, fuck man, maybe I told you this last week, I kind of had that moment when I was sitting there outside the Vatican.

You gotta fucking do it. You gotta fucking do it, okay? And if some shit had like me, who fucking flunked, didn't flunk everything in high school, but I swear to God, I got C's, D's and E's, they weren't called F's where I was from. Uh, it was a fucking, I told you this

before, when I was a freshman in high school, I was going to go to Notre Dame and become a lawyer and by the time I was a sophomore, I was like, well maybe I'll get into a roofing. That's how bad I did. Um, just completely shit the bed, the bed, like fucking fumbled the punt, whatever

the fuck you want to call it. Um, yeah, it was awful, so uh, so anyways that's, that's my travel talk. Alright, that gives all the people who hate sports when I talk about uh, when I talk about sports too much on the podcast, I gave you a break and

uh, I have no fucking idea what is going on in any sport other than hockey because I got the Bruins app on my phone and uh, I know they had a great west coast trip, got their asses kicked to them, uh, handed to them or asses kicked or asses handed

to them or asses kicked to them. Is that a new one? I got my ass kicked to me. It's like they removed your ass and it's just, then they walked across the street and then punted your ass back over to you because they felt so bad about the beat down. There you go, there's a new one. Um, by the Vancouver Canucks.

So it's funny, they're all giving me shit on Twitter um, doing that stupid this, this, this, beating the Bruins six to one priceless self. I don't know why you would say that to me. I'm like, well, uh, losing the first two games in the finals and coming back to win five out of the next six

or five, oh wait, wait a minute that doesn't make sense, does it? Four of the next five. Jesus Christ, Bill, there's my high school math again. Losing the first two and then coming back to win four of the last five in game seven in your fucking building I think that's a little bit better to win a

Stanley Cup. Alright, so congratulations on your regular season win and all you cunts out there who are giving me shit because the Patriots lost to the Dolphins all you fantasy football playing fucking morons okay, who actually think that Brady's lost a step and they're

so fucking dumb when it comes to watching sports and analyzing what the fuck's going on because you get your nose half an inch away from the paper looking at numbers you better wake the fuck up because there's only like another week I guess of regular season football. Tom Brady is in the middle

of one of his greatest season he's ever had the fact that they have the record that they do with the level of injuries and the shit that people we lost to free agency it's been fucking unreal like somebody wrote me on twitter like really how the fuck do you lose to the Dolphins

it's like well first of all it's easy you score less points than they do and second of all whenever you play a division rival they see it twice a year every year they know who you are the fuck you do if you're a gambler, if you ever want to bet on an upset I would definitely say

bet that the division rival especially if they lost the first time is at least going to cover if not fucking beat them it happens all the time I don't know what sport you're fucking watching and we have catastrophic fucking injuries on defense I'm not making, actually I am making excuses

but like what I'm really saying is that if I was in the states and I was watching the Patriots vs the Dolphins there's no fucking way that I would just be like oh there's no way we're not going to win this game so anyways that's all I know about what's going on in football

I completely missed the Cleveland Browns game I guess where the Patriots got all those new age calls where it doesn't seem like it's football anymore you know what I mean so anyways let's get on to some

let's get on some oh oh and I got a new TV show whenever I go overseas and I'm jet lagged I always put on Netflix and I get into something else or I buy a box set I got into the killing I don't know if anybody's watching that but I am three episodes in

and I'm watching every second of the series phenomenal series definitely not for the emotionally light if you don't want to deal with something that's pretty fucking heavy I don't know how many punches they take they walk you right through it

where you feel like you're living living it it's an amazing fucking amazing show so far phenomenal witch shot the acting and all that type of shit and I'm looking at it like fuck I'd love to be on a show like this so who knows I'm going to bug my agent today hey can I

can I play a body or something on that show I'd love to be on it anyways I want to thank everybody for reading the podcast t-shirts my t-shirt slash podcast guy Andrew Themolus slash stand up extraordinaire who will also be

at that New Year's Eve show at the Wiltern out here in Los Angeles if you want to see the crew and knuckleheads that gets hammered every year out on the golf course they're going to the Rose Bowl it's Andrew Themolus, Joe Bartnick Jay Lawhead

Jason Lawhead and myself and there are very limited tickets left so if you need a few plans fell through come on down we'll make you laugh and I don't know I think we're going to stick around do a countdown and all that

we're going to be boozing it up love to see you guys down there but anyways he was mentioning that I believe the podcast t-shirts are sold out at this point for the most part except for some of the bigger sizes I think and if you have any problem with your order the email to check in

is billburrmerch all lowercase billburrmerch we take pride in getting this stuff out to you I think Andrew's done a great job really killed it but let us know if you're having

any problem you know we are human beings we do fuck up but we don't want to fuck you over so let us know if there's a problem as soon as possible and we'll make it right okay all right here we go on to the questions

and the letters this week Finland show hey bill love your show and Helsinki well thank you I definitely pay to see you again I don't know if it was just me there were a few moments where I felt you worried about offending the audience or something

that's extremely hard to do yeah see you were probably there at the first show I was feeling you guys out man and I think I also had that long flight I got delayed at AFRO connected at AFRO and I literally landed

went right to the show so I might have been just a tad off he said that's extremely hard to do here so next time don't worry about any of that the less you pull punches the more you're going to get out of the audience in Finland oh that's awesome man thank you for reading from your playbook

well I think I figured you guys out as I just mentioned in the story on the podcast telling that story anyway he goes p.s. my ex girlfriend was a ginger she was a real cunt I didn't even know she was a ginger

until I took her pants off hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha ah shit ah that's fucking funny um yeah no you know what it was

it came out and it's just like you guys are really fucking any comic is going to play Finland over there this is just my experience because it was my fucking jet lag my act that I was doing and whatever the fuck

was going on with me chemically so I can't say this is going to happen but they're a fucking great crowd and now this guy is saying that you can't offend them you know what's great when you go through all of those um I basically did all of

uh the Nordic countries and I've told you guys this before Scandinavia consists of Norway uh Sweden and Denmark and those three countries

that's Scandinavia but within them Scandinavia is part of the Nordic countries and that includes all of Scandinavia the three I just mentioned Finland Iceland and I think they're called the Feral Islands that's the only place I didn't go

the Feral Islands which are like northwest of uh Scotland um but what's great when you go through all of that is for the most part it's predominantly Lutheran Lutheran or Lutheran I don't know how to say properly but they and they basically believe

that when you die you're dead you just go into the ground it's just like and I say well don't you wonder like can you wrap your head around not existing they're like yeah it's just like before you were born you don't remember that it's the same thing

and because of that they're really fucking logical um if that makes sense if there's any comedian listen to this I would basically describe like give it to a college gig and you think you're bombing but then you realize oh wait

this is a really smart school and they just laugh in a different way that's basically what Helsinki was like so uh thanks for the heads up I did have a great time um and I hope those people on the first show had a good time too I was you know

I don't want to let people down you know I'll make sure I give them the whole fucking thing I made a rule that I wasn't going to bitch at all on this tour because I knew it was going to be brutal going from place to place to place to place every day fucking waking up landing and then trying to figure out how fucking my jokes work

so because I made the rule that I wasn't going to bitch I only bitched like 30 times as opposed to like 3000 although if you counted each individual bitch going through Afro connecting in Afro um that I probably bitched like 700

times but it was compartmentalized that's a word to uh Heathrow airport um for the most part all right hey bill love from Morocco um bill before I start I just want to let you know that my sister

and I attended your show in London last week uh you did a great job blah blah blah blah uh you had the whole crowd and blah blah blah blah but enough with the ass kicking okay here's a little conspiracy theory for you at the end of the show we had a little argument about your ghost

segment yeah I don't believe in ghost he said which was fucking hilarious to go through a place that doesn't believe that you go anywhere when you die you know when I was going through Scandinavia in the Nordic countries because I'd be like usually when I say there's no ghost I don't believe in ghost

there's someone in the crowd that's like uh you know I believe in ghosts yeah absolutely and they they were just sitting there in those other countries just like yeah yeah why the fuck would you believe in ghosts that's stupid so he goes he goes remember when the your bottle fell off the stool and the water spilled on stage

yeah I did this whole segment about how I don't believe in ghosts and I remember when I went to set down my water bottle for some reason the cushion on the seat it was sort of doing like the Leaning Tower of Pisa thing so anyways I finished the ghost bit

and I was into some other jokes and all of a sudden it looks like the bottle tipped over by itself one of those great stand-up moments where you can't plan it it tipped over itself and then uh and I didn't realize that the crowd is reacting and it was like a full bottle so it's just pouring

out got all over the stage and everything and then of course I rift that it was actually a ghost that is trying to electrocute me and all that type of shit and and it worked great but anyways he said my sister thinks that was part of your act the ghost thing

and there was no way you could be that good at improv I better 50 pounds that it wasn't planned either way it was beautifully done do you mind settling this for us yeah no it was not planned do you realize how cheesy that would be if you planned that

and also not to kill the whole improv thing it's really not that difficult to come up with some funny shit when water spills by itself after you just did a ghost thing it isn't you know and

you don't realize how many times I mean you fucking improv everybody's improving when you walk and you're having a conversation you're totally in the moment with somebody and you're without realizing it because you understand language you're listening

and translating and you're also which is reminding you some other shit that you're thinking about that adds to where the conversation goes what it is so everybody can do that it's just when you get on stage it's you're going

on stage starting your career and you're dealing with stage fright and forcing yourself to do this thing that scares the shit out of you which causes you to think which shuts down all of your improv abilities but over the years as you do it you get

more and more comfortable and you become as comfortable on stage as you are off stage and then once again you tap back into that power of improving that everyone in the crowd is already doing but but it's just not defined as it so that's basically

what it is so no that was not that was a that was not planned I actually had another great one that I was doing another great moment I should say I had another great moment of improv when I took the mic

stand and pretended it was a skinny woman and just yelled eat something for an hour no I was in Iceland when I walked on stage they had a fucking giant Christmas tree just to the right of the stage all lit up looking beautifully but I saw I went into

this stupid thing where I was acting like it was stealing focus and I was being in diva and I refused to tell anymore jokes until somebody fucking one of you Reykjavik's sons of bitches comes up here and takes this goddamn

tree down and I went on this whole long thing and it just happened right at the beginning of the show I just saw it and I just I don't know I just fucking started talking about it and it killed and they loved it and then later on in the act I

apologized to the tree like it was you know like I was in some abusive relationship with it like hey you know I'm listen I'm sorry about what I said earlier you know I you know I feel about you and blah blah and just kind of went on this thing like that's the most fun thing as a comedian was when you get

comfortable enough to do that shit because I'm not gonna lie to you you get sick of telling your jokes but anyways he finishes off he says also I've been introducing you to my Moroccan friends over the years and as soon as I can get 10,000

people to like you I'll email you so that you can come visit thanks and go fuck yourself well you know what send a fucking email to billburnemerch at gmail.com and Andrew will hopefully get back to me maybe

I could figure out some fucking I'll send you some promotional a promotional package of some shit I'll send some of my ways over there and the only thing you gotta do is hand them out to your friends okay that's it alright

where the fuck am I oh there's the ending thanks and go fuck yourself alright you go fuck yourself too alright underage girl equation alright let's hope this doesn't get creepy again bill longtime fan listener caught a few shows glad you kicking ass

thank you here's the important part here's the important part yeah fuck my career exactly to calculate acceptable age differences between partners here's my rule of thumb for those of you who are just new to the podcast or haven't listened in the past couple of weeks because you have a life lately

I don't know what's been going on but people have been sending me these fucking emails and it's somehow it's like yeah you know 27 my girlfriend's 19 we've been dating for six years and it's like wait a minute wait what the fuck

you know it gets weird so this is what he's referring to very important part to calculate acceptable age differences between partners here is my rule of thumb half your age plus 7

that's it works for everyone pretty much if you're 22 half your age is 11 plus 7 equals 18 dude I gotta say 22 to 18 that's still a huge age difference but it is legal it is legal

I don't know how you don't feel like fucking Matthew McConaughey in Daston confused with that one dude because you're literally talking like you know you got a mustache by 22 come on man she's 18

finishing up high school and you've just wrapped college that's a huge age difference but you know 26 to 22 is not a big deal anyways but I like what you're saying he said 18 you cut off so yeah that does make sense it is legal

he goes if you're 80 half your age is 40 plus 7 is 47 boom there it is again reasonable differences regardless of age yeah it depends on who you are in that one I think I would rather be the 80 year old I feel like I'm stealing money at that point but I like what you come

where you're coming from here he goes I'm not saying there aren't anomalies out there for every situation but for a simple guide not being a pervy fuckbag stick with the half plus 7 rule I've been meaning to share this with you for a while

but seeing as every week we seem to have a new douchebag trying to justify his perversion well it's time yeah thank you alright there you go people half your age plus 7 if it doesn't fucking work out well half your age plus 7 and she's still 18 or older right

cause if you're 18 half your age is 9 plus 7 is 16 I mean you're in trouble there that statutory rate that still kind of works out good I'm 16 half my age is 8

plus 7 is 15 that fucking works you're 12 half your age is 6 plus 7 she's 13 you fucking slaying it I love this theory I love this fucking theory god damn it that works this son of a bitch he's like Matt Damon

in that fucking uh where he's got the mop and he's good at math one flew over the cuckoo's nest dazed and confused fucking uh I gotta see about a girl what the fuck is it called goodwill hunting there you go

I shook it loose oh you know what I watched I watched a couple of movies I watched all Boston guy movies Mark Wahlberg I watched the one with him in the rock I did fall asleep because I was trying to stay awake but it has nothing to do with the movie I loved any movie about fucking

weightlifting it's got Mark Wahlberg in it right that takes me back to the 80s when nobody did squats and everybody just kept fucking you know doing upper body upper body I got a friend of my comedian in Boston Wayne Previti used to always talk

about that how back in the day nobody used to fucking do squats and then you just put on your puffy pants your z-cavary cheese over there to try to make it look like you had thighs so anyways I watched that one whatever that movie was called I never remember the names then I watched the Matt Damon movie where he's in the future

and they put that thing and that bionic shit around him fucking great movie just fuck that's a great fucking movie I stand by both of those and also I watched a movie called called Drinking Buddies

that Jesus Christ I never watched a movie it was about dating and that type of thing I never watched a movie where I felt like I was kind of every guy in the movie you know what I mean like the guy sneaking around fucking around the guy

the sap taking back the girl that's fucked around the guy who wants to commit but can't the guy who's fucking not committing the whole goddamn thing it was a really I really enjoyed that movie and it had a who's the guy in it

Olivia Wilde Jake Johnson who I fucking worked with on Jesus Christ new girl I swear to god man can somebody send me some fishpills whatever the fuck you're supposed to take I can't remember anything

really enjoyable movie so whatever there's my movie plugs for this week what else do I got here let's do some advertising here Hulu Plus everybody you probably tried Hulu.com with Hulu Plus you can watch your favorite shows anytime

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sent you go to HuluPlus.com slash bill now or click on the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com that is the future my friends especially if you travel I don't know you're in college you know you're not going to be around on TV or over a friend's house

you're going home for the fucking holidays it's just the greatest thing ever and last but not least everybody oh and isn't least we got three more here two more sorry Evoise the holidays are coming and as a business owner

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at the top of the homepage and type in Burr B-U-R-R that stamps.com enter Burr and there you go that is your your adverts as they say over there in England I guess they say that what are we doing here let's go to the next one

sparkling water the next email here sparkling fucking water Bill Pickles oh I get it Bill Pickles Bill Pickles Bill Pickles I get it alright there's a new one there is a new one my friends

he said I saw in one of your tweets that you were upset about accidentally ordering sparkling water yeah that happened to me when I was in I was in London going to Afro connected in Afro you know they put it in a clear bottle it looks just like water

and you know when you're in a different country like shit gets hard shit you just take for fucking grant like that I never accidentally I very rarely do I accidentally grab sparkling water when I'm in the States here because I know Poland spraying

I know what the fuck bottled water the still shit looks like but that is the most amazing thing when you travel abroad is this part of your brain you have to use that you never use like I never realized how much shit I recognize just out of color

and then all of a sudden you go overseas and you just like alright is that a taxi or a police car you know is that a pharmacy or are they selling clothes and I'm not even joking because the way some of the stores look over overseas they

their style that they'll do the store in that's their style for a fucking pharmacy although pharmacies are pretty easy over there because they have a neon green like cross it's really easy to find so that's probably a bad one but anyways yes so anyways he goes I hope you come around on this score it's never

too late to change um oh I think this guy is just telling me that he likes sparkling water well Jesus Christ Bill why don't you just read the fucking thing so we can all find out alright he said you know men of great character and sophistication have long been enjoying sparkling

water oh Jesus Christ well let me go dress up for this fucking email this guy is sitting there with his legs crossed where and it was an Ascot is that how you said he says it's a satisfying that you can drink endless quantities endless quantities

of why you battle the temptations of various other addictions like when you're off the bottle I highly recommend reaching for a bottle of San Pellegrino it has a punch that plain water or fruity juice just can't give you it's like hard alcohol in the sense

that it's an acquired taste on top of the hard alcohol a nice I can't I don't know that is Gerald Steiner mixes wonderfully with alcohols of all kinds my preference being vodka and whiskey

it's a much better mix than fruity juices and sodas and all that other pussy shit just cuts a bit it's like water's badass big brother I remember you saying that you don't drink coffee

you're saying you've missed out on all that coffee house pussy over the years so this is one pairing that I probably can sell you on um what so this is one pairing that I probably can't sell you on but an espresso drink

no sugar with a perrier to hydrate you fucking delightful or I know you've been to Italy an antipasto plate with a glass of wine and a glass of sparkling water bueno I hope I said that right

b-u-o-n-o love the stand up love the podcast as a working poor type nine to five or the podcast makes Monday almost bearable look at you getting all fucking he goes waiting for the Canadians hockey cities dates here in Montreal not a habs fan a centers fan

alright um yeah dude I don't like drinking carbonated shit I think it makes you bloated it makes you fat for no fucking reason and you should be drinking water I'm not into this shit and when I'm off the bottle I just get off the bottle totally and I drink water

and then I look down and my stomach getting flatter every day and I fucking enjoy it but uh yeah I'm just not a uh I'm not a sparkling water guy I'm just not I don't like this shit um if I'm going to drink something carbonated I'll have a soda

or a pop as they say in the Midwest and what do I like I like the Mexican Coca-Cola that has the real sugar and I like um I like orange soda but only if that has the good sugar too um

alright dude the jet lights hit me here I'm just fucking talking about what kind of soda I fucking like um alright opposite of anorexia yeah speaking of what I mentioned earlier that I gained some weight here opposite of anorexia uh hey there Bill

I think I might have the opposite of anorexia because when I look in the mirror I see a skinny guy while I have trained with pushups and weights and gained like 10 pounds right now I am 18 years old 6'2 and 187 pounds which should be normal

also when I look at my classmates classmates I seem bigger and more muscular but when I'm home and stare in the mirror I just seem skinny anyways love your podcast Greetings from Holland yeah dude um opposite of anorexia

I don't know what that means yeah but you got some sort of body issue dude if it's 6'2 and 187 yeah you look you look fine and you're also 18 years old you're gonna fill out um my suggestion is to look into the mirror and override those negative thoughts

and think something positive and I gotta tell you dude when you get older okay and you gotta go to the gym for two fucking weeks to get yourself looking halfway decent and then you have one french fry you're gonna fucking look back and go god remember when I was 6'2 and I was 187 pounds

for the love of god enjoy this period in your life as much as you can cause there's no way to enjoy it fully the way some old bastard like me could um because I know what it's like now to fucking do all the work I did

and then go away for a couple of fucking weeks and come back and look like oh my god dude I fucking had on a pullover sweater the last fucking night and I took a picture with somebody and I was sucking in my gut and I still look like a fucking I knew it

somebody took a picture of me when I was in Iceland and I saw I'm getting my fat head back again it killed me so dude um you're killing it you're 6'2 you're 187 pounds you're 18 years old you got your whole life ahead of you you should just be focusing on finding

fucking places to go have a good time alright chat up the most beautiful women you can find you just have a great fucking time alright put looking in the mirror thinking you're some fucking skinny loser you're not alright you're a goddamn fucking rock

you're the rock star of your life right now alright and then don't use this as some negative thing like it's all downhill from here stop being a fucking pussy go out and enjoy your goddamn life you look great you son of a bitch go fuck yourself alright accidentally racist

hey bill I was waiting in line for the water fountain at my gym with a buddy and this African American guy was taking forever to fill up his gallon size water bottle don't you fucking hate people who do that at the gym cheap cheap motherfuckers I get that

you're doing it I get it but if you see somebody behind you you got a gallon water bottle maybe it was just the bigger one you know what be a good shit turn around and be like are you just getting a drink yeah let me step aside you know be a fucking asshole you know what that's like that's like people who stand

in the middle of sidewalks with four other friends and have conversations and the whole world has to walk around them or they do it in the airport if you're stopping and you you're gonna make your flight are you trying to figure out where the fuck you're supposed to be well go grab the wall get over to the fucking wall let people

you know if your car fucking breaks down if it's safe to do it fucking push it to the side of the road you dumb cunt alright sorry anyways he goes I was getting impatient as you should have he goes I remembered that the gym recently

got rid of a separate fountain with a big nozzle so you could fill up a water bottle quicker so I remarked to my buddy didn't they used to have separate fountains for these people oh shit oh no he goes before my buddy can respond the african-american guy

turns around and says excuse me cue foot and mouth so what's the best accidentally racist story you've got wait a minute dude yeah I hope you explain that to him you know what I have to think accidentally

I know I've done that I know I've done that wait how did I do that oh I remember when I was in DC there was a joke and the guy didn't find it funny and then I felt like a fucking asshole it was right after Obama got elected I was in DC and I was fucking hammered

and I was coming back to this hotel with Jota Rosa the security guy who was black african-americans said something to me and as a joke I go oh what the president is black now and I'm hammered and I thought he was gonna laugh and he stared at me like oh my this is a white person who actually

thinks this shit and I was like I was just fucking around Joe's like dragging me away it was a joke that would have worked if I was sober and I was in a comedy club and I'd set it up right but I didn't oh and I kind of fucking knew the guy

but I didn't know the guy it was 3 in the morning I was drunk and it it was fucking horrific and it kills me that I wasn't able to explain myself because I guarantee that that guy's still black and at least told that story for 2 weeks so I don't know

that's actually a good top if anybody else has accidentally racist shit oh my god that's like I would submit that to fucking Larry David doesn't that seem like an episode of his show you know just whining that he has to go to the gym

and all that shit bitch moaning and complaining he sees the guy with the water bottle and then the misdirection is he talks about how cheap these people are and he actually defends the gym for all the water that they're using and then when he shows up it's gone and then he stands behind

I mean the whole fucking thing is right there hey you put that music underneath it you got yourself an episode alright ski lodges hey there Billy Bunny Hill what's your take what's your take a good weekend

come on people you know I can't read out loud can you at least help me by at least trying to put all the words from the sentence in the fucking email what's your take I'm going to guess on a good weekend of banging snow bunnies and drinking hot chocolate

what's my take on it what that sounds like one of those fucking titty movies I watched when I first got cable what take what I have on it other than that's fucking awesome he goes the occasional outdoor hot tub scene wood fires and turtlenecks some marijuana

and monopoly washed down with a dark red I don't even ski but if I ever start it's to be able to live in that dumb and dumber aspen type scene oh absolutely somebody asked me recently asked me if I skied and I said I told him that story when I was in

I was in Utah with Jay Lawhead and we stayed the next today and went skiing up in what do they do that film festival Sundance we were up around there we went skiing up there and it was great but I don't like skiing I love the workout

and I love all that aspect that you're talking about like coming down and they got the fire going and you're drinking beers dude it's fucking awesome but I have just never participated in a more blow your knee out fucking sport

than skiing but just your description there like that right there is why I want to go it's fucking it's just it's just the shit who's that guy that guy there the guy in Holland there you are the 6 foot 2 187 pounds there you go go skiing

go skiing this is what you should be doing instead of fucking staring at yourself in the mirror going ugly I'm too skinny fuck that do this shit you know what I want to buy all the skiing shit and not go skiing and then just go on the treadmill and get all

sweaty and then put the skiing shit on and just act like I fucking came off the mountain wash it down with a dark red how good does that sound it's 734 a.m. to me alright that's the podcast what is my take on that like I think that this is what I would do

take skiing lessons something I never did I was like whatever I play hockey dude I fucking skate it's the same shit nobody's trying to hit you right you don't realize that there's trees you forget that which is like the

I can't it's like a fucking defenseman times like 9 million you never win in that contact you never knock the fucking tree over you basically die like sunny bono or some shit I just hate when you fall and like one of your skis is going one way and the other is going the other way and it's

like a convenient fucking way you always feel like you're gonna fucking blow out an ACL but if you survive and you get down that hill a couple of times you know what's funny about skiing I always love when you get to that point where you know you're exhausted

and you try to do one more fucking run and you get up there and you're so tired by you get halfway down you just fall down every third time you try to make it turn like whatever that fucking acid is that your muscles in your legs you just you're just completely gassed

and you're laughing and your friends laughing at you and you just get down to the fucking mountain you get to the ski lodge hopefully there's not a bunch of cunts taking up the whole thing you know that rich family that has five kids and can afford to buy them all ski

stuff despite the fact that they're all growing and shit you resent them they look like the Kennedys like look at those fucking blue-blooded cunts but if you can somehow get yourself a seat ah fuck I want to go I'm going I'm calling up Lawhead

I'm going to go skiing over the Christmas break fuck this Jesus Christ do that person paint a picture or what I'm fucking going alright here's the wrap up everybody now that the show's over once again do not forget to sign up

for the future of watching TV your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC, smartphone or tablet support this podcast and support your quality of life as far as

viewing get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill that's huluplus.com slash bill and that is the end of the podcast and I got to thank everybody

who came out to my shows in Europe I have to thank all the promoters who got me out there I got to thank everybody who took me out you know to the bars to that Premier League game

all these sites all the lagoon all this stuff I can't even like it was absolutely I'll never forget that tour and I'm just going to keep going over there it's just an unbelievable experience to end an unbelievable year

where I had some of the biggest shows in my career I did the most shows the most cities I've ever done I did the red state tour I did that bus tour through the south with all my buddies and Jason Lawhead and his legendary father

Jim Lawhead just all the people I got to meet man it was just the exact reason why I got in this business was to have fun and to travel and make people laugh and I really I did that this year like I don't know

it just went to a whole other level I don't know how I can top it next year I'm fucking exhausted but I'm tired in a great way so thank you to everybody and that's it man I hope you guys enjoy your Merry Christmas Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah, Happy New Year

hope you guys have a nice Christmas break and like I said man fucking if you can scrape together some quarters get your ass on a plane and go travel I wish I did it when I was younger and

I'm an old fuck man 45 never too old to do it so I want that for all of you guys man I hope you guys have a great successful 2014 that's the podcast go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week in the mountains

in the kitchen even in the living they really are everywhere but now we're going to the finish bring them to a B-BAT income point you always find one in your neighborhood on B-BAT.be together, better for nature

and for all of us campaign in cooperation with the OVAM