Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-16-19

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Bill rambles about unboxing new tech, The Mandalorian, and calling a girl cute.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 6th 2019. Oh my god, what's going on? Holy shit. There's only fucking nine days left Nine days until Christmas You know, that's what they always do. There's only nine more shopping days until crazy through the whole time They never counted down to Hanukkah You know, there's only fucking six more days still had it They never did that they put all the pressure on the Gentiles Fuck I'm sick. I was fighting off I

Was I was doing the emergencies and then I was fucking drinking plenty of fluids and everything was going great All right, everything was going great and then last night we got a big holiday party here at the At the at the house, you know There's a fucking great one. Oh, we we had we had a great one. I can't believe my daughter slept through it We had the fucking UFC in one room We had adults, you know mingling and mangling whatever the fuck they do right into another room and then we had Outside I had like do at one point there was like 20 fucking guys smoking cigars And all stupid bill went out there without a hat on all bald Billy

Stupid, you know, I had a nice little fucking sweater on some Christmas ensemble on I felt like if it put the hat on it Was gonna ruin it went all Hollywood You know, I didn't put my health first and now I'm paying for it I Fucking thing has been, you know, you ever watch lean. I've been watching these fucking animals killing other animals lately I don't know why I'm watching it. It's fucking me up in the head You know, whatever I go to do Rogan's podcast. He's always like, dude, you see that bear that ate that fucking moose alive It's like no, I I don't I don't want to see that

And then they put it on dude fucking bears Jesus Christ You know what you know, I understand when a reptile Doesn't kill something before it eats it because reptiles, they're not they're fucking dopes. They got small brains They don't know what they're doing. They just grab on to something their facial expression never changes Then you get to mammals. We go, you know, we got emotions, you know, our eyebrows move Right these fucking bears they just grab shit And then they just hold it down and start taking chunks out of the backs You know, I have a whole new appreciation for that Leonardo DiCaprio movie where that bear was holding him down and fucking throw

That's exactly what the fuck those things do Jesus fucking Christ those are the goddamn baboons when they get the little gazelles just fucking snap its neck How fresh does the meat have to be? I Don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here as though I went outside I was fighting this shit off like yes I felt like you know like one of these fucking asshole animals grabs another one and you're rooting for come on man Get away get away get away. You think you know that fucking elk Every time he charged him the fucking bear would run away and then he just let's just keep doing that Keep doing that stab him right in his fucking furry ass

They did and all of a sudden the bear came up. Hey, how you doing? You know, I can't talk to you for a second He puts his fucking arm around his back and then that was it That's why this cold has bent for like I don't know three four fucking days And I thought I fought it off, you know, I was being a good boy and And I didn't so now I feel like fucking shit, you know My daughter she was playing with some kids Fucking, you know, they're at that age. It's just like it She comes home with something then she gets it then it goes through the fucking house and I thought

You know, they should start making those they should make like parental hazmat suits You know for when you kid get sick because you still want it. You love your kid. You still want you That's the thing. That's what I did. I came into her room and she was coughing up a storm She was laying there and didn't want to get up And I was like, what do you want to do? You know, she stretches with me in the morning It's hilarious because she makes the same noises I make like she thinks part of stretching is going She doesn't need to make those sounds but she'll say that I'm stretching all right, so She didn't want to do that. I could tell she was run down. So it's like

Hey, you want dad at it, you know lay down with you. She's just like, yeah, so we're just hanging in there making jokes making each other laugh And I think that's where I got it. That was it that was fucking it. So and plus I was run down fucking right all around but Anyways, you know, it's just watching the fucking TV and they they got this thing says hey, you know Commercials don't give up on the polar bears, you know, don't give up on the polar bears It's like I who the fuck said I gave up on the polar bears. I Haven't given up on any issue. What the fuck am I supposed to do about a polar bear? Why don't why don't I mean I would literally need a fucking army of people the level of bloodshed in World leaders that I would have to take out

In order to save fucking polar bears It's just like I mean I am too far down the fucking road of my life to go that route Stand up comedian turn rebellion leader Yeah Are you fucking people out there scraping together your nickels and dimes to save these fucking these these these animals? What you need to be doing you got to put together some sort of group Okay, that's gonna fucking walk into one of these oil corporations like a goddamn like to narrow In the untouchables with the baseball that's what you're gonna have to fucking do because these people don't give a

Shit, they don't give a shit. They don't think it's their fault They don't believe it. They're fucking passing it off and they fucking own the government. There you go There you go. All right fucking sit there. Give me a lecture. I don't give up on the polar bears Fucking cunt as long as I'm you know, as long as they're they're fucking up north. I Don't like them being in a zoo Okay, I think they they should be able to fucking wander around where they're supposed to be Up top top of the planet, you know, I relate to them on one level because I am the same color Don't give up on polar bears, what the fuck does that? You know, they always fucking put it on you

You notice that shit the fucking government fucks up. Oh, you know, we're gonna have to tighten the belt Sorry, it's most of this has to do that. I have a fucking cold You know, I'm just sitting there going on the fuck am I gonna get up and go get some goddamn night quill? All right, my fucking head is throbbing All right I've been laying low the last few nights I haven't been doing stand-up trying to fucking beat this thing and one of the things that I learned is the secret to the Bruin success this year is that I don't watch them

You know, I sat down to watch this leak. They fucking lost to Ottawa. They lost to fucking Washington they lost to Tampa fucking Tampa Okay How somebody please explain to me how Tampa has professional sports? I have you ever been to Tampa me these fucking people you go to a game down there. It's like, you know Two or less felonies get you a plus one to go to a fucking devil race game. Oh, don't say devil race Don't bring up the devil, you know while I feed my neighbor to a fucking alligator I'm sorry. I don't mean to stereotype. It's not all they got some great cigars down there, you know

Although I do think that fucking red-headed cunt who started a fucking religion. Didn't he have his boat down there or some shit? I Don't know Every time red heads take a step forward, you know Somebody quits a show and tries to have a movie career or a red head fucking starts a religion and it's just it just sets us back You know Here I am Trying to be neutral trying to assimilate to a world of brown and black hair

The occasional blonde which for whatever reason is celebrated You know, they're not freaks. They're fucking gods. Okay, I get it. I get it and me I fucking bathe in the hell's fire All right, I get it. I see how this I see how this game. I see how it's sad Yeah, what color Corvette would you rather have huh Competition orange fucking Stingray, oh would you like to have one that's canary fucking yellow? I don't get it in a car orange wins. I think red wins I don't get fucking yellow Ferraris and shit like that. I don't know this. I never fucking understood that. Anyways, we plow ahead here All right

So I'm sitting here, right? Dealing with my fucking lack of pigment a Fucking miserable the fucking Bruins are losing and then just the cherry on top was just that don't give up on polar bears All right, let me send you some fucking money. Okay, you know what I want I want your fucking W. Whatever the fuck I need to look at the end of the goddamn year. How much of that fucking money? Is gonna go help a goddamn polar bear and how much of that is going towards your fucking mortgage? All right, I told you my new thing. I don't give to these fucking charities. I walk up to the boy. Well, yeah, you know, I Walk up to the fucking person

Do you have the disease that I want to help out good? Here you go. Here's he has 20 bucks You know, you fucking bring a polar bear over here right now fucking right in his pump Yeah, you know slip it in like a fucking tip in a dormit Give a little fucking what I give a little bag of fucking seal meat. I Do love watching those things sneak up on seals though You know, it's big fat blubbered fucks. I didn't know fucking by the way, I didn't know that leopard seals killed penguins. I Didn't know fucking idea. I mean they got they got Dentition like a fucking German shepherd. I should have known they were eating something. I just thought they were eating other fish

There's nothing sadder than watching fucking Nate, it's just fucking brutal you watch any nature show it's basically it's like the news 40 penguins went out to go fish today and only 39 came back. Yeah So and so is still missing. Yeah, they sent out a search party Oh my god, it's fucking Where do you turn you turn to sports That's what I do You turn to fucking sports and you watch your new England Patriots Get a little bit of momentum beating the one in 12 Cincinnati Bengals

Defense look great offense was you know was doing its thing You know, we got to do something like that You know next week is the big fucking test the Buffalo Bills the former fucking Bullies of the goddamn AFC East Jim Kelly left and so did their dominance it just went out the fucking window you realize that guy you only played like 10 years of the NFL believe he was a Houston gambler before on The USFL I went to one of those games and I tell you that I went to see the Boston breakers

Against the fucking Washington Federals at Nickerson field What is the historical Significance of Nickerson field I didn't know this Nickerson field was actually the original Braves field where the Boston Braves played Who I believe Babe Ruth finished with them if you can believe it came back to Boston. I Think I don't I don't know that well

But anyway, I didn't realize that I would I used to go to games there all the time when I was a kid my god Used to take us all down We go see the BU Terriers play whoever you know some reason in 1997 they just got rid of the football program That's why I've never quite been a BC Eagle fan because you know all my relatives went to be you initially and So I never got into the Eagles I did roof over they had fucking flutie and was it Glen Foley I Don't know the fucking old man. I'm an old sick man. I Can literally feel my heartbeat beating behind my fucking eyes right now

Oh shit Anyway, yeah, the Patriots look good Some crazy ones though, huh? The 49ers fucking lost to the Falcons. I was watching my kid all day. I missed that Jesus Christ And then Seattle got back on track. It'd be Carolina. They were winning pretty handily. They only won by seven So I don't know what happened there But I'm sticking with it man I'm sticking with my pick the Baltimore Ravens play the Seattle Seahawks and I

Don't know now. Maybe I'm thinking the Ravens. I think Seattle wins it. I Think they're the NFC, you know, although what about Green Bay all of a sudden, huh? Who do you like? They put the Bears to bed tucked them in right I believe they secured a playoff spot or something like that. I have no fucking idea what's going on I just look at the fucking scores. I just start talking. Oh Look at the fucking Lions. What do they do? I'm sticking with that. All right, here's something for football fans out there Anytime you listen to somebody before the season start

Before the season starts and they're doing their Super Bowl predictions. That's the dumbest shit ever I don't even give a fuck if they're right. If they're right, that's like watching somebody hit a full court shot You know It's just like, okay, you know, if you do it long enough you fucking eventually one's gonna go in You can't listen to anybody till like like fucking mid-October six weeks in okay You kind of start to see who people are what's going on out there, and you can make a prediction That's why I love Paul Versey Paul Versey is a mid-August Watches a couple of preseason games

And he goes, all right, here's my Super Bowl prediction. Are you ready? You always ask you if you're ready Are you ready? And he said Green Bay in New England? I was like, all right. Well, you're picking Aaron Rodgers and you're picking the defending Super Bowl champions. Okay We'll see how that pans out. All right. I told you the shit that fucking three weeks in he goes dude gradually He actually congratulated me. He said it was fucking over It's unbelievable Because I think we beat Miami that weekend. Anyway, all right, let's let's move on with the podcast here What the fuck is my laptop?

Actually bought a fucking I don't know why I know why I bought it about a fucking Stupid ass what the fuck you call it. What are those for those tablet things? What do you call them iPads? What a fucking iPad There's so much I don't give a fuck about this shit, but I just need it for my goddamn job I I bought that thing. It stayed in my backpack for like fucking four days. That's how much I don't give a fuck And the lady at the store is like you want to help me you want me to help you set it up and I was like Yeah, I do but I don't want to stay in this story. I didn't say that but I that was my thought I do But I want to get the fuck out of here

So I chose that so tonight I went to go set the fucking thing up And for the first time ever I actually knew all my passwords I was able to set it up and everything for the most part went fine and Then I tried to put on the waterproof case and you know, I'm like a fucking chip I just rip open the box. I'm it's weird if I put together like some fucking IKEA shit I just lay it all out. I take my time. I just go into this fucking zone. I have not flipped out assembling anything It's in in like fucking ten years. I don't know what happened. I kind of fucking I

Beat that demon right but this fucking I shit iPhone iPad fucking laptop shit So anyway Fucking trying, you know, everything went fine setting the thing up. I'm like, holy shit. I Think I did it I already snapped today because I fucking my phone updated and I took a landscape photo and I wanted to make it like regular Which I knew how to do and then I had to spend ten fucking minutes trying to figure out how to do something that You know, maybe one thing if there was a fucking reward at the end of it, there just isn't

Fucking ridiculous. I literally go online and then every video is from like 2013. It's like that's not the operating system. I have How to fucking blah blah blah blah blah then I find out there's the button and they they moved it up So anyway, everything was going fucking Fucking fine, right? And then I go to put the fucking waterproof case on the fucking thing. They got this whole stupid fucking Jacques Cousteau Test I'm supposed to do Like stick it in a fucking bathtub without the thing in it for a half hour And then take it out and then see if any of the contents that they give you to stick in it or when it's like

I don't have time for this shit. I'm not gonna go swimming with this fucking thing So I blow it off In the process of blowing that off I lost the instructions and I'm trying to stick the fucking iPad in the front of the fucking thing And I just I I you know, I Just fucking lost it Not too bad, you know, because my kid was came into the room. So I fucking chilled out and then I just sat there fucking, you know See they

The stupid fucking thing I was trying to stick it through the front of it They literally give you a key to fucking open up the sides of it And I finally got it in and I thought I had I got something You know to cover the screen But there was this blue Hard piece of plastic and had all these fucking words on it I was trying to scrape it off and I couldn't I'm like how the fuck do I get this fucking thing off and it turned out that that Blue thing was just for you that what I thought was the screen

Protector was just for the fucking half hour water test that I'm supposed to fucking do I Don't know man This is just fucking stupid and then what do you know, I have another lap So I have a fucking iPad somewhere in my fucking house That works and I just can't remember the password and I cannot figure out I have the fucking keyboard the whole fucking thing I just I don't know where the charger is anymore And I'm not throwing it out because it's gonna end up in a fucking ocean or a fucking polar bear is gonna try to eat it

So I just I just have it We had some people over right they brought their kids over right these two guys are like best friends They sat next to each other They're young you know late teens or something they just sat next to each other hanging out just looking at their phones And one of the few times ever I was actually like really happy that I you know I don't know the more I look at this the way the shit is now. I'm really happy that I grew up when I grew up You know I

Got to have a fucking childhood Before anybody at school could just show me somebody getting fucked in the ass by a horse I can't imagine what these kids show each other with these fucking phones Right. There wasn't fucking porno all over the goddamn place I could enjoy the four seasons You know the change of seasons and all of that shit. It wasn't just fucking You know 100 degrees or fucking minus 10

Uh, oh Jesus bill find the fucking light. We don't all have a head cold. You're fucking freckled. Oh, I got the light right here All right, maybe even a light Um My episode it's not my episode the episode that I was in on the Mandalorian The massive John Favreau guided star wars So and so whatever the hell you're supposed to say It aired on friday. Give it a watch. You know what I mean? Everybody was breaking my balls

About something on the thing. I don't should I do the spoiler alert here? I feel like I need to defend myself All right, I didn't all right spoiler alert fast forward like a fucking minute. All right You have you can do it in five four three two one three quarters half Point five. This is for fucking people who like are like driving right now

Just turn down the volume start reaching for your phone. Relax. Okay. Here we go Uh, you know what and it took me so long to do this somebody's probably turning it right back on as I say All right, here's the deal. I didn't drop the baby yoga. All right that yoga I didn't drop the baby Yoda Okay, the fucking robot Dude came out of hyperspace and he didn't tell anybody all right Till you're in hyperspace hold in a fucking baby and some robot. All right

Like that's not unsettling enough is driving the fucking thing and slams on the brakes. Let's see how you do All right, walk a mile in my fucking space slippers before you fucking come at me Um, I'm fucking with people just breaking my balls. I uh, you know I had a great response. So thank you guys for watching it Thank you for all the kind words and now that I've said that I'm sure all the negativity is going to come It but I don't give a fuck. All right. I already did it. I already got the check I already spent it on a fucking iPad Okay, that's it. It's over

So anyway that happened I actually watched the episode My wife's always said you gotta watch yourself. You gotta watch yourself. I was like, I'm telling you right now It's it's not a good thing to do It's not a good thing to Be looking at the side or the back of your head while you're talking. You're watching yourself. It's fucking this, you know I don't know if the native americans have something for that, you know You know, they always had that thing if you fucking somebody takes your picture like a piece of your soul I can't imagine what they they would think about sitting down watching video of yourself pretending to be somebody else in a world

You're not in Um Anyways, but I I did sit down and watch it Only because i'm into the fucking show Which is hilarious about this whole gig that I have like I like I always like, you know, I told you I played runner The first one in the one with ryan gausson. I fucking loved both of those Moon with sam rockwell. I like shit like that Um, I never got into the star wars thing, but this one this one

This is the one that you were waiting for it's like a fucking spaghetti western. I've absolutely loved this And been watching it right along and anticipating and actually looking up when episodes are coming out So, uh, congratulations to john favron everybody over there Rick fami eba. I hope I said his name late last day, right was the director of the episode that I didn't he fucking crushed it um Anyway, let me let me do some reads here for the goddamn week. Hey everybody don't don't give up on the polar bears, you know All right, what the fuck am I doing? What the hell's my password? I forgot all right, right? There we go. Then I type this in here because god forbid, you know, somebody sneaks up and fucking

Breaks into my laptop and sees how I was looking up the all-time passers in the nfl It's a really interesting list by the way If you go and look at it, you see how long how long some people played, you know And how much the game changed because of bill walsh with the fucking uh west coast offense You know johnny nice was the first guy to ever throw for over 40 000 yards I think like the next closest guy during that time only had in the 20 000s like he was like the fucking

Wayne Gretzky of quarterbacks as far as like he just like doubled everybody and uh And now like, you know, you know, I think like viny testa verdi has more yards than not shit not viny I love viny, but i'm just saying, you know I mean viny testa verdi god bless him. He's not johnny nice I think viny will be the first one to tell you that as he put on a jersey for one more Wouldn't you love to see him come back one more time? It was one of my favorite fucking things ever there was two quarterbacks that just like steve de berg

You know I don't care how many times I thought that guy retired and then he'd just be holding a fucking clipboard Holding a fucking clipboard. I bet that guy I bet his body feels great You know most of his career was holding a fucking clipboard and then out of nowhere He would come in and he was just the coolest fucking dude ever 70s had that curly noodle hair He's a quarterback. The guy's the shit. All right. Let me let me read the fucking what am I doing? Let me Let me read the uh advertising here

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Have a quick cure for baldness rather than a treatment like Like lasik eye surgery, you know You go in and you got your eyes open and literally you see smoke coming off your fucking eyeballs Right, and then they go. All right. Don't read anything for the next couple of days Which I'd be like the perfect lasik person ever Patient don't read anything. Hey, I haven't read anything in fucking 12 years So you do that shit, right and then all of a sudden you got 2020 vision you could go find fly the goddamn space shuttle all right

and uh But then after like 10 15 20 years it goes to shit, right? I think that that they're gonna do that at some point. They're gonna come up with some something for baldness, right? And they're just gonna be fucking laser in the top of your head smoke's gonna be coming off it You know, it was just sitting there with the little fucking tablet Watching a couple episodes of who's the boss whatever the fuck you're doing, right? And then you just got this fucking wavy hair For like 10 years and then just all of a sudden you go bald for the second time

Oh No, it's happening again You know and then it all you know, I like because when I heard the lasik you can't get it again So you got a timer, you know um Like I've been fighting off getting glasses for like six years Like I won't wear them. I just feel like once you get glasses your eyes are fucked and I've asked that With a bunch of people who wear glasses and they all agree

You know, they all do. Yeah, once I did that then they just they they got I'm not gonna say my eyes aren't fucked, but they just get more they get fucked quicker You know, does that make sense? I don't know what I'm talking about shut up bill. All right, cool stamps.com everybody You know what people hate more than anything being bothered with little daily annoyances You know what I'm talking about. I like how that's written like a blues guy, you know I hope you know what up to oh, no, it's more like a stand-up comedian. This guy knows what I'm talking about Keep it going For Larry Larry our odds. Hey, how you doing? You know you you people yo

Well, you people hate more than anything being bothered with little daily annoyances. Hey, this guy knows what I'm talking about back This was written by a fucking bad 80s stand-up comedian this copy things like being stuck in traffic Or waiting in line or just having to do things. You don't have to do how about sticking a fucking tablet into a waterproof case that you don't give a fuck about um Well, how the fuck could be waterproof the screen is right. I guess that part's waterproof Who the fuck is taking a fucking laptop into the bathtub? Isn't that how you kill somebody?

It used to be a hairdryer or a fucking radio. Now you just throw a fucking Or does it have to be plugged in? I don't know Anyways, well, guess what you can get rid of some of these annoyances just by using stamps.com You know it stamps. You know about stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for over seven years now And you haven't had and you and if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for? The holiday season will be do is coming up quickly. It's we're in it started with halloween rolled into Thanksgiving

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Stamps.com is a no-brainer saving you time and money. It's no wonder over 700,000 small businesses already use stamps.com right now My listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale Without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in bur that stamps.com Enter bur stamps.com never go to the post office again Uh, yeah, I got some announcements here everybody Uh All right, I've added two more vegas dates next year All right

March 21st Las Vegas, Nevada the chelsea at the cosmopolitan of las vegas and then june 1st Las Vegas, Nevada The chelsea at the cosmopolitan of las vegas There you go Artist presale tuesday december 17th at 10 a.m. Pacific Code bur bur public on sale will be friday december 20th at 10 a.m pacific time

so If you go into a fucking party and you're going out there to do whatever in march, I'll be there and I'll be there in june All right. Oh also by the way the patrice o'neill benefit There's a few good tickets left january 27th at the new york city center featuring ronnie chag judy gold samurail andrew shoalt cipher sounds rich fawce Uh, roiwood jr. And yours truly that's going to be a fucking monster of a show. This is one of our best Lineups we got the best mix of the old with the new you know people that were influenced by him with people that actually knew who he was

Actually knew what I should say. Uh, so that will be january 27th at the new york city center in new york city. All right Jesus christ Uh, okay, this is you know It's not that bad tonight's gonna suck Tonight's gonna suck trying to go to sleep. But then tomorrow I should be good Uh, we got a good one tomorrow night monday night, right? Who the fuck's playing? Hey, what the fuck's going on with the rams? Jesus christ they lost again

Having a fucking hangover and a half um All right. Oh somebody wrote in about the mandalorian I'm not going to read this because I don't want to fucking ruin any of this shit. This guy just said that I did a good job Uh, buh buh buh buh buh buh. Uh, yeah, thank you guys for watching it. And uh, it's really been cool to uh, You know my whole world has always been like sports fans And loud drunks and all of that so to have like this whole new group of people coming up to me You know the nerds they're fucking cool, too

They're polite. They're smart They're super into the you know the stuff that you're doing Uh, it's been great. I'm used to like sports fan. Hey, billy red tits. Go fuck yourself. Love the podcast These guys are coming up like hey, uh, just uh, are you the guy that's uh in the mandalorian? I just want to they're really fucking they're they're they're really nice people So if you're a jock stop stuffing them in a fucking locker. They're nice people Uh, all right Oh, we got an update here. We got an update. I love when people give me an update, you know, I start talking about some of the shit

I read these emails. I say write me back and most time either people don't or I uh Are they doing I don't see it. So I don't people just don't give up on polar bears. Okay, it's on you You need to not give up on polar bears not not fucking All these big corporations, you know You know It's not for them the polar bears that that that's on your fucking shoulders By the way, uh, Gordon Hayward's back for the Celtics very excited about that Even though for some reason we can't beat the fucking philadelphia 76ers who we all know they're not gonna do shit

We we know they're not gonna do shit Okay, they actually look good Uh, I'll tell you scare the shit out of me as a basketball fan is the lakers. They look fucking solid They look fucking solid That was fucking bastards There one championship behind us too because they count a non nba title as a fucking title And there was also a mobbed up ref that helped them get by the sacramento kings You know, I just bring that shit up because they're always shitting on the patriots saying that they fucking cheat and meanwhile

The fucking lakers can say they have 16 fucking champions. Okay. All right You know, okay, one of the referees went to fucking jail in that goddamn series I'm also still convinced that game seven If that wasn't fucking fixed the last time we played the fucking lakers It was either fixed Or I don't know what rashid wallis said to those fucking referees, but they were just like fuck this guy. He's not getting a ring Call 30 something fouls on one team it only in the teens on the other in a game seven put you have fucking wisdom

We weren't even fucking hacking them either It was the worst game seven ever and it was the Celtics versus the lakers. I Can't get over it Still bugs me to this day. I literally watched the lakers rather than fucking manning up and beating the Celtics They stood taking free throws Free throw 31 free throw 32 Quarter the game afterwards Kobe Bryant. I don't know how we won that game We'll go dry hump a referee buddy. That's how you want it. Um

Get him a new footlocker shirt. All right update girlfriend who wanted to stay at x's for Christmas Uh, dear pill bar. Look at that didn't shit on me at all. Well, it looks like she's dumping me Oh, there you go to recap my girlfriend swung the idea of spending Christmas with her baby daddy to make it less difficult for the kid Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right Yeah, but you know what dude that's you're out You're out your girlfriend already had a kid, you don't fucking need that shit Trust me relationships are hard enough They're fucking hard unless you met a fucking sweetheart

Who for some reason dated the biggest fucking asshole ever which is every coming of age movie that hollywood has ever made The cheerleader, you know She's a sweetheart dating the biggest asshole ever. I love how she wasn't a cunt on any level It was always put on the guy, right? He was a total dick and then this fucking nerd comes over. Yeah, you know It ends up begging her, you know You know, I had always worked out like that because writers Writers write that shit

They were writing how they wanted their high school to go Uh, anyways, the guy says I approached the situation just like you said calm and collected I didn't even open up I didn't even open with the negative but instead presented the wonderful dream christmas I would put on for the both of them followed with I just hate the idea of you spending christmas at his Uh dot dot dot. She said I don't have to worry about that because he respected respectively decline Uh, I found myself still irritated at the fact she even asked but remained calm you gotta remain calm I should take that advice. Uh, then a couple days later I sent her a good morning text and she responding saying i'm a good guy

But she would like to talk. Oh, yep All right, my feeling is that this douchebag is playing some game Along the lines of as long as you have a boyfriend holidays are going to be very stressful for you And i'm going to make sharing this kid very difficult You might be right, but you know what dude? You don't need to be in this shit So yesterday she tells me she doesn't want to do this anymore over text All right Yeah, you know

Maybe she didn't want to see you cry I know I you know something if somebody broke up with me over text I mean, I you know I could get over that I get it The technology exists people use it. Why would you want to go face to face? When breaking somebody's heart If you could just fucking thumb it out on your phone It's the coward way out really Well, why don't you walk to work and quit taking your car? That's the coward way to work

What because it's fucking easier Anyway, I convinced her to talk in person with me tomorrow though So we'll see how that goes the shitty part is I already bought her a gift that I can't really return Because they're all very customized buddy. You know what you can't also return is the fucking amount of years you would have wasted with this person When you get involved in this jerry springer shit, you're young you got your whole fucking life ahead of you You know she fucked that guy without a condom. You didn't why the fuck should have ruined your time? I whatever you bought her I would use as a stand to put a little fucking Kegorator on and drink a couple of fucking beers I know it sucks right now because you're going through it, but I'm telling you looking at this from the outside

You don't need this fucking guy uh This fucking guy coming in fucking up your relationship Anyway stuff, uh anyways, uh, she hasn't changed her status on facebook, but has hidden it. Oh dude You're looking at her facebook account. Yeah, this is bad. This is I feel bad for you, buddy Anyway, so I guarantee you she's being unfaithful It's all very confusing because not two weeks ago. She was gushing about getting married having kids moving in It was fairly clearly in love with me. We've both been together for over two years

I think she's thinking unclearly and irrationally. How do I convince her to stay? You can't It buddy, I know this sucks right now because you're going through this shit, but fucking walk Okay This is like If you could somehow get into your logical brain This is what your holidays are going to be like every fucking year Okay, it'd be one thing if this was a former fucking boyfriend, but she had a kid with this guy This guy is in her life for 18 to 22 fucking years

Every fucking time there's a major event In their kid's life that fucking guy is going to show up or Or you you could you could get you know cry this out Fucking you know Give yourself a good three months to be like what the fuck was that cry it out And just fucking move on and have a new thing. I am not fucking dating somebody that has a kid All right

That is not your fucking problem. It's that's like your fucking You date somebody that has a fucking kid that is literally like god bless you if you do but that is like fucking That'd be like me watching one of these superhero movies that That one that took like fucking 10 years, you know, they made like 15 fucking movies And you jump in it on like the fucking ninth one and you get like like you're gonna know what's going on It's probably a bad example because I'm sure that they make it easy for people so they can get more people to watch it Um, I don't know dude. You know what? Whatever you want. I hope it happens. All right, but I'll tell you this just from the outside looking in Fuck her dude. She doesn't deserve you

All right Uh, I don't know I also have a you know, I can't you know what? I'm not gonna say Something positive about her because I don't want to drive you back to her because my gut is saying just fucking walk These boots are made for walking And that's just what they'll do one of these days these boots are gonna walk up to a chick who doesn't already have a kid Woo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop. All right. Uh, all right me too for gong for calling a girl cute Oh god, why did we ever let these people fucking let him out of the kitchen man. I'm telling you

I'm fucking with you, but you know something I gotta be honest with you a buddy of mine sent me a text He went on a date with some chick. He kissed her and she said like a fucking constitution the next day Talking about the kiss And how she felt and what she wished she said all he did was kiss her And she kissed him back and then the next day she had all these different. I mean jesus fucking christ People don't give up on the polar bears. All right, me too calling for a girl calling a girl cute Dear billy burgundy balls. I like that burgundy is nice. It's a regal color. Uh, I have a freshman in college In early in the first semester

Uh, all of my hallmates and I were in a room together hanging out. We were being a little loud So the r.a.'s Come to the door to tell us to be quiet me being the closet Opened the door what me being the closet the closest Sorry, god. I'm stupid That was a legit fuck up I read that as closet and it's not because I need glasses How I read it me being the closest opened the door and I saw a girl standing outside with the r.a.

With the r.a. badge on some of the room asked me who it was and I said some cute girl in a joking way The r.a. This is a power thing. You disrespected her badge The r.a. asked us to quiet down because it was late then left once I closed the door This super liberal girl in the room said why didn't you call her cute? Oh Oh my god, because I thought she was cute It does this is that all right Anyways, I said I was only joking and she said

That's seriously not okay. All right. Here's what you need to do right now is get that person out of your fucking life You need to apologize to her. I said, what are you talking about? I'm not apologizing for complimenting someone and then everyone else in the room Started saying how creepy it was And then I needed to say sorry. Oh my god. I feel so bad for this fucking generation Jesus fucking christ But when I was when I bring it up now, they all say they were wrong in the moment and it wasn't actually creepy Yeah, they all caved because they got nervous with this fucking other person

Anyways, I just think this is a good demonstration of how ridiculous college is getting and how over the top feminists are Uh, some feminists to be fair. You can't even compliment a girl anymore without sexually harassing her. Anyway Anyways, he wrote great. I just thought you would find this interesting and have some good commentary about it Really love your stuff and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I mean What you know what you do with people like that you just listen to them you let them, you know, let them have their little fit It'd be like, okay All right, that's it. No comment or whatever and then you just cut that person out of your life You know what somebody like that in your fucking life some fucking

Asshole just trying to stir things up. You know what I love about that whole fucking thing Is the person you said it to the person like if they said that they were offended even then it's like what the fuck You know, it's not like she was walking down the street by herself. You're like, hey, you're cute. I can't understand. Oh, that's annoying There's a bunch of other people there Men and women or whatever. It's fucking harmless Who are you gonna say it's fucking harmless? uh somebody else like I don't know

I know that's a big white chick thing. They like to get offended for people who didn't get offended I don't know what it is. I think they're just bored. All right girlfriend or ivy league. Yeah, I would literally I swear to god, dude I would just And this is this is thing whatever you see that woman who gave you shit about that shit This is what you do. You just fucking you do nice her to death Hey, how you doing? Whatever you doing? Well, complimented though I was hey, how you doing sweetheart? You can't say hey, how you doing bubble? You know, just how are you good to see you no matter how cunty she is

You don't give into it it's it She's out of your life. All right Girl friend or ivy league g i r l d fr i e l d Girl friend or ivy league. Hey bell Oh wait, you know something I haven't played this in a little while. Have I? It's time

Hey That's me Nobody else. All right, uh, where the fuck it? Where did it go my head? All right, it always goes to Jeff Beck Boodoo did ba ba ba ba All right. Uh, hey bill. I'm having a little bit of a dilemma right now And I was wondering if you could provide me any insight. Hey, you know, I'm not an expert But if you ask me a question, I'll answer it. I've always been that way even in class

What is the numerator uh 17 No, that number isn't even in the problem. Hey You asked me a question. I'll fucking give you an answer. Anyways, I'm a senior in high school But I'm dating a sophomore in college. Oh god bless you Yeah You need my advice. I need your advice. She goes to college a couple hours away from where I live We met in high school and I had a decent amount of experience with girls Yeah, dude, you must be doing some right, but this girl is something completely different

I can truly be myself around her the problem is I applied early decision to an ivy league school near me Early decision is a form of application that include I love that you know that I don't know what that means Okay, I Yeah, you are a normal you are a regular listener of the fucking podcast um Early decision is a form of application that includes a contract stating that you are far if that if you are accepted Into the school you must attend that school Wow, dude, are they like desperate or something like that?

That sounds like some shit, you know when they they fucking draft some fucking kid out of Kentucky They make like a ruler He has to play hoop for a certain amount of time before he goes to the fucking Lakers because that's where they all go um All right early decision is a form of application that includes a contract stating that if you are accepted into the school You must attend this that school. All right applying early Decision gives you a better chance of getting into the school because ivy leagues don't like it when They accept students who don't end up

Going to their school. You know what? Hey, fuck those guys You know there really has to be this pushback with regular people This whole fucking thing, you know from fucking frequent flyer miles to this fucking horseshit Fucking American Airlines went to call me the other day. I know what's about my stupid fucking miles. Keep the fucking miles Fucking calling me up with your threats. Oh, you gotta use these bottles. Do I do I gotta use them by that day? Take them back. I don't give a fuck Fucking assholes interrupted my goddamn day like I give a fuck about you and your goddamn miles I fucking hate that shit

We don't like accepting people that don't hey, you know I don't like being fucking six hundred thousand dollars in debt and not having a fucking job afterwards Six hundred thousand. All right. I went big there. What's the cost go to ivy league for a hundred greater year? buck 25 that put you above 500 grand right anyways, I was already I was already was accepted into college That she goes to which is also a great school But I know I would rather go to an ivy league school if I could get in. All right, you know what? I gotta be honest with you. I I that that's

That's that's that's still mean something Ivy League still does mean something, you know, anyways, I find out tomorrow If I get in or not and I'm probably overestimating my abilities Debating this but I know I want I don't want to lose this girl Any advice on how to proceed with this situation or any advice on how to tell this girl that I got in if I do Would be greatly appreciated. I'll send you an update once I hear back. Love your stuff and go fuck yourself Yeah, this is easy. You just sit down calmly and you just say sweetheart. I love you to death But it's not my fault that I'm smarter than you

Um Did you promise her that you were going to go to her college? How far away is the ivy league school? You gotta watch out though, you know, you go to Dartmouth. You join a frat. You gotta eat the vomlet Um I don't know I look I would just you know, I fucking applied. It's an ivy league school. I want to go. I still want to date you What is the fuck? I mean, I mean high school

We're going to different school now. We're still dating. What's the difference? I want you to be here with me. Yeah Here's the deal you're fucking young All right, you're really young You're banging a fucking. Sorry. Here's your girlfriend. You're you're in love with a sophomore in college And uh, but you know dude, you can't turn down going to an ivy league school. You gotta fucking go All right, and if she really loves you she'll let you do it Okay

That's the deal And you can very easily spend it. Well someday, you know, we get married. I'll have an ivy league degree Which will give me fucking a six-figure job somewhere we can live like kings and queens All right Or I could go to your bum ass school. No kidding Look at this. I'm actually becoming arrogant On your coattails of possibly going to an ivy league school Uh, all right, jesus fucking christ. My god damn nose

All right Here we go wrapping it up here a journalist put on earth for you Dear billy deep throat that is a reference to watergate everybody I used to be more of an or a porno depending on what side of the track you're from I used to be more of a I can't even fucking breathe Ah How do I stop this fucking thing

Oh Jesus christ, you know what I hate about Fighting off a cold and then you still get the cold is you don't get credit for the days you were fighting it off Like rather than it being three days. It's only one day. It's like this fucking cold. I should have just fucking Gave into it. It would have been over Came on thursday Here it is sunday. I'm still battling with this fucking thing You know what bill? You did fight it off and then you went outside. You didn't wear a fucking hat. You fucking idiot um

The hell was I talking about? Oh a journal. Okay, uh All right, I used to be more of a traditional democrat Democratic You guys are just as dumb as me. I used to be more of a traditional democratic But with the way things have gotten I found myself agreeing with your perspective on politics Well, what is my perspective my perspective? I'm kind of like, you know, I was I am liberal I'm on the blue side, but I respect people on the red side

You know The first hundred rows And I expect them to you know The first hundred rows of my side. You respect each other. You listen to each other. You find a common ground That's what I like Those people in the fucking back screaming and yelling those fucking lunatics drinking out the parking lot on each party I'm not into those people Anyways, I started paying attention to international journalists instead of the ones

Served to me domestically. That's a great move I'm not saying that those people don't lie too, but it's good to, you know Hear what their lives sound like and try to figure something out. I follow one in particular who reminds me of you She has no problem Taking flames to any president or party I can hear you saying After all her tweets, here's a good one. I already love this person It's great to know that there's a fucking journalist out there doing this

Okay, bush and obama both invaded nations on lies bush and obama both bombed weddings and hospitals Bush and obama both armed terrorists Bush and obama both murdered and uprooted millions of innocent civilians Yep values are the same Oh, wow, and then they have a picture uh From yahoo entertainment of michelle obama says she and george w. Bush bush disagree on policies But their values are the same

That's fucking hilarious all right Sarah abdala at s a h o u r a x o i'm gonna be following her Follow jimmy door jimmy doors like that Great fucking comedian too. Anyways, I feel like this could really give you material at hollywood parties You want to leave in a kerf kerfuffle?

I do what I don't do. I'm old school. I don't bring up religion or politics You know, you don't do that. You just you don't I mean I do it in stand-up fucking around Try to piss people off, you know But like I don't I don't fucking do that shit Uh anyways, thanks for dedicating your life to making all of us a little happier Have a wonderful holiday with your beautiful family. You lucky redheaded turnip Well, you guys make me happier when you laugh at my jokes. He was to the podcast. So it's all it's all working here All right overrated slash underrated

Uh underrated the tow machine at the gym Awesome cardio and practically a full body workout, especially for your back biceps forearm and and legs Yeah, dude, I've never seen anybody who religiously goes to that thing. It's pretty fucking shredded. I remember arie schafer When he was doing the uh the fucking uh rogan sober month thing He was on that thing. He was fucking shredded. I was like god damn it I gotta quit booze and get me one of those fucking rowing machines. Is that what the tow machine is? That's what a picture and it is, right? Wait, no, that's the row machine. Why do you guys listen to this fucking thing on us? What is a tow machine? Toow, by the way, for anybody who's dumb as me tow machine

That is what it is. All right Okay, all right. I thought it was stupid there for a second. Why don't they call it a row machine? Um Maybe somebody owned the name and they didn't want to get rid of it All right, also for a little For as little as a thousand dollars you can buy one that's foldable foldable So you can have this awesome workout at home anytime. Did you just slip an advertisement in here? Because god damn it now i'm gonna look that up

Maybe this will get me abs Foldable Let me see this Nordic track, I always liked Nordic track We bought that fucking thing way back in the 80s. Do you remember that cross-country skiing thing? Let's see. Let's look at some videos here. Let's see what people are up to The fold this is something called the folding rowing machine on youtube Isn't this something?

Oh, that's fucking weak That's fucking bad. Jesus Christ. Fuck that thing Fuck that fuck that. Okay Two thumbs down on that Let me just see a regular fucking tow machine Okay, I said row machine. Let's see if the tow one is better All right, that's for a boat. I don't want a tow machine foldable

There's a foldable fucking thing to put a boat on I want to put my fucking boat on that All right tow machine For home Oh, fuck that. You know what you want you want the fucking Here we go commercial level tow machine Now i'm looking at trailers I use isn't a row machine. It's got to be a row machine, right?

All right, guess what it fucking I give up I can't even fucking look up a goddamn piece of gym equipment I'm not good at it, right? Okay, that's it. Thank you to everybody who was uh Watching the Mandalorian and thank you guys so much for I got a real Uh, kick out all what you guys all said. I really appreciate it. You know what I mean? You know, I've done some acting. I haven't done a lot of acting So the fact that you guys like what I did especially in a world that I wasn't supposed to be in was fucking awesome

Thank you to john rick and everybody else over there who fucking hooked me up with that gig and uh also this Uh, what is it saturday? It's saturday night. I'm gonna be in uh, I'm gonna be in los vegas Yeah Do I'll be uh, what's up with trump here on my dumb jokes talk about you dick do a shit joke Make fun of a fat guy Um, I'm gonna be doing that. I'm gonna be there. Uh, this saturday night with dean del re the del razor And uh, I got a whole brand new hour of shit and I was gonna run it tonight, but I'm fucking sick. So I will be down

Now I'll be down the comedy store all fucking week. That's my that's except I don't think wednesday. I'll be down there But I'll be down there all week. I'm gonna try to run my hour in the belly room Tuesday night I'll be down there monday. I'll be down there thursday. I'm gonna fucking You know shake the cobwebs off after fighting off this fucking cold and then losing Fighting and losing it's like I fucking got it to the overtime and I lost in the shootout All right, that's it. Thank you for listening to my bitch moment and complaining go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on you on thursday