Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-17-12

Episode Date: December 18, 2012

Bill rambles about the Patriots/49ers, choking on breakfast cereal, and being treated like a fuck stick.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 17th, 2012. I am emotionally exhausted from watching that Patriots San Francisco game last night. How insane was that game? Unbelievable. Unfortunately, it was exactly what I thought. Although the comeback, I was amazed by that, but I've gotten so much shit from a couple of friends of mine who are Patriots fans, because they feel like I'm not a Patriots fan anymore, because I keep talking about how bad our defense is. And they're one of those people who like, you know, they like dress like Drew Bledsoe when they watch the game. You know, those people, whether they're such fucking fans, that no matter what's going on, you can never say anything. What they deem is like negative rather than constructive criticism, but you know, I feel vindicated. Because last week when we beat the Texans, they were sitting there going, you see, look at that, you know, there's your defense.

What are you going to say now? You're ready to cut. Yeah, get dick shot. Get dick shot. Right? I haven't been telling them the whole fucking time, but the AFC is weak. All right? It's fucking weak. The NFC has been far superior to the AFC for fucking years. All right? But the thing is, you got Brady and Belichick and a little bit of luck, and that's how we got to the fucking Super Bowl last year, and we still almost won, but that doesn't change the fact that our defense sucks. All right? Oh, we do good against the mediocre teams and the so-called good teams in the AFC, but I'm telling you right now, we'll be lucky if we get by the Broncos. Okay? You let up fucking 40-something points to a second-year quarterback. I can't help you. Why is my voice cracking? So they've been screaming at the fucking TV for three hours, watching the damn thing.

Um, yeah. If the 49ers actually had a quarterback, they would have scored, like, you know, a more experienced quarterback. I'm not shitting on their guy there with the sole patch. Whatever the fuck his name is. At a Boise State who could have played baseball, but he had one fucking shot. He took half. I mean, the fucking times you tell that story. Um, I mean, he missed like two guys who had like three steps on our safety. I don't know. It's fucking brutal, but I knew it was going to happen. I knew it was going to happen, you know what I mean? I mean, I hate to say it, but if, you know, if the 49ers had Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, a fucking, you know, Eli Manning, you know, it's, we can't compete with that. Kills me. Kills me. I don't want the fuck we have to do, but you know, we're all right. We're all right in the box, as they say, but I swear to God, our fucking past defense stinks.

I don't, I don't, you know, it just, it was, you know, it was enjoyable watching the 49ers celebrating and stomping around and doing that. Because they're doing their job, all that dumb shit that every fucking athlete does now, you know, you fucking get a layup for two points. And then you go scare children in the front row, like, like you had this, like you're actually in 300. You know, why don't you just fucking bend over and blow yourself at that point? I really enjoyed watching the 49ers do that and then get that deer in their headlights look as Brady calmly just dismantled their fucking awesome defense and tied it up and scored like 34 points and like basically a quarter. I did enjoy a 31, whatever the fuck it was, I did enjoy that watching them have to stand down and actually having seen that glazed over look. Oh, and now the phone rings. Now the fucking phone rings. Can anything else be going on with this podcast?

Just seeing that glazed over look on Jim Harbaugh's face was enjoyable, but I fucking love that guy. And I loved the fake punt call in the first quarter on your own 40 was that was awesome. I had to respect it. It's like this guy is going for the jugular. But I mean, those guys honestly could have been up like 21 nothing after like six minutes in the game. Yeah, so there you go. There's a right nice big bucket of ice water to the face of delusional Patriots fans. That's that's what it is. That's where our defense is against the elite teams. You know, sucks.

I'm not happy about it. And yeah, I'm not fucking happy about it. I just wish we could we could oh for fuck's sakes with your fucking. You know what I hate about this fucking stupid phone besides everything? You have the fucking thing on mute and still makes noise like like I get important phone calls. Right, Cleo. What am I the president? Does it really need to do that even when you fucking put it on silent mode? It still vibrates. I guess I could just shut the thing off, right? I never I never even thought to do that. That's great. I worked that out. Oh yeah, of course my password doesn't work on the fucking computer.

This is just going to be one of these days. You know, I know it's going to be one of these days as I took my dog out for a walk and she took a shit. And unlike Rappaport, I went to pick the fucking thing up. Right. And I had my headphones on and as I bent over to do it, my headphones fell down and almost landed in the pile of dog shit. And rather than laughing it off like somebody with rosy cheeks would, I'm a cynical bastard. So I took that as an omen on how this day was going to be and it's lived up that way. I had a bowl of cereal this morning. I almost fucking died. And you know what's funny is the lovely Nia was literally maybe seven feet away in the other room and never checked on me.

Could give a shit. You know, you know what that is? It's like we've been together. When you've been with somebody as long as I have, they just, it's not like they want you to die. It's a combination of two things. They, they, they just tune you out. So I could have been in there talking to her about how, you know, my headphones almost fell into the dog shit this morning. Or I could have been almost choking to death. Either way, she doesn't even hear it. And then like subconsciously it's not that they want you to die, but they, not fatally, but if you could die for like three hours, you know, I don't think that they would be upset. Just sort of, you know, drag you over and put you behind the couch and just, you know, fantasize about being single again for like three hours. And then you, you know, you wake up like in one of those, those movies with Kiefer Sutherland.

What was that movie called? Shockers? It wasn't Clarkers. That was Spike Lee. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it was. Anyways, this is what happened. I was eating corn checks. I'm a big fan of the Chex family. All right. This isn't some sort of subtle advertising that I'm trying to put in here. Okay. This is, this is coming from my heart and not my wallet. All right. I like the Chex series. I'm not into rice checks. Man has nothing to do with World War two or Vietnam. Okay. I just don't like the taste of them. Okay. I'm not coming at you with some red state shit. I ain't eating nothing. It got fucking rice in it after what happened over there in the DMZ. I'm not coming at you like that. I just don't like the taste of that one. I either go corn checks or I go wheat checks.

You know what I noticed the other day is this morning when I was almost choking to death on my cereal was all cereals kind of the same color. You notice that it's all sort of fucking just different kind of browns. Isn't that weird? Isn't that weird that that would go through my head as I'm almost dying choking that fucking bad 80s comedian analogy went through my head. That might have been my last thought, you know, or like it's like a topic you'd hear on like NPR. All things considered, today we discussed the different shades of brown and breakfast cereals. I don't care if you're eating rice checks, corn checks, wheat checks, rice Krispies or corn flakes. They all too familiar off color bandaid brown and all things considered. Yeah, we could listen to NPR. Nia listens to that shit. She's such a fucking nerd and she always has it on and you know, I don't know.

There's really no good radio stations out here as far as like playing music out here in LA. I don't know why. I don't know what I don't know what goes on out here, but evidently these the two bands that they play they play him like it's still 19 the early 90s. They play ice cube all the time. Badam when you come to my town badam like like I don't know why they play it like they play it enough. Like you think he did he died or something. You know, and then and then they also play the who are those guys. Who are those guys? Whatever the fuck they are pretty fly for a white guy. They play them all the fucking time. You know, like everybody's still walking around in flannels going, Hey, have you heard the new Pearl Jam man? Anyways, so here's the story.

I basically go to get my fucking box of cornchecks. I pick up the box and immediately I notice it's pretty light, you know, pour it in, get a full bowl and there's like an eighth of a box left. Now I could be a douche and put the box back and give me a false hope. Oh, I want a box, you know, I want a bowl of cereal, you know, and then she grabs the box and she fills the lightness. Then that panic comes in, you start to sweat like, Oh fuck, you start pouring it out. Come on, man, keep going. And there's only an eighth of a bowl left. You know, the douche puts that back in the cupboard. The gentleman, the refined individual like myself, you just say, All right, I'm going to have a little more cereal than I usually have. So that's what I did. All right, and I start eating the fucking cereal and I'm wolfing it down because I know the podcast is a little bit late and I'm going to get a bunch of shit on Twitter. Right. So I get about halfway done with my bowl. I take the box of cereal and I pour that last eighth in, you know, the deal, the last part of the box. That's the most dangerous part of the box. You know, you got half it's half of its cereal in the rest of it's all fucking powdered. So all the powder goes on my on the top of the cereal. I start eating the shit and I'm doing that, you know, eating so fast you're eating and inhaling through your fucking pie hole doing that shit and I had a half a spoon of powder.

The other half was the cereal and I inhaled the shit and I might my throat just closed off. And I thought I was going to, I thought at the very least I was going to pass out to the point I was debating as I'm coughing and hacking away and Nia is completely ignoring me. I'm sitting this pound. I'm thinking should I make a loud noise in the kitchen or should I run to, you know, five steps to the bedroom but then I'm thinking well that like take up too much oxygen. And I basically was choking on this shit for three straight minutes and Nia didn't move a fucking muscle. Didn't move a goddamn muscle. And when I finally, I finally realized I was going to live. I was so pissed at her that, you know, after you get done choking like your voice is like, it's like turned down to one. So you're trying to talk like, thanks for helping. You know, that type of shit. I basically said sarcastically thanks for helping in the, I was just choking for three minutes voice and all I get for Nia was like, oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay? You know, is that any way to start the fucking day? I don't think. Was that even funny? Was that even remotely amusing to you? I don't know.

I almost died this morning. I just have, I don't care if I'm funny or not. Cleo. All right, let's do, let's do a little advertising here and then I'm going to talk to you about this 30 for 30. I watch called broke. All right. Where are we? Oh, we got a new, we got a new advertising this week. Everybody cascade studios, cascade studios on Santa Monica Boulevard out here in Los Angeles. We got a local ad here. This is based rehearsal studio. If you're in a band, basically, and you need a rehearsal space, cascade studios is the number one place here in Los Angeles. This is when I go down and I play drums and I try to pull off that bottom stuff, trying to get my foot as fast as his. This is where I go. I go to cascade studios 6611 Santa Monica Boulevard. If you want to go down there with your whole band, they got a five piece drum kit in every room with high hats, two guitar amps, bass amp PA system with three mics. Symbol rental is only five bucks. Or if you're just a drummer like myself and you want to go down there with your iPod and beat the hell out of a kit and have a great time.

He charges you 15 bucks for an hour. I highly recommend it. I go down there all the time. If you go down, ask for Joe, tell him the Monday morning podcast sent you. And as always, everybody, it's stamps.com with the holidays on almost here. You don't have time to go to the post office. There's traffic, there's parking, there's somebody in front of you is going to have like 90 boxes that they're sending out to all their grandkids. You know, as they take out the change person, their hand is shaking, right? It's going to be packed with everyone mailing out holiday gifts is what I'm trying to say and packages. So what do I do? I use stamps.com instead. Stamps.com you can void all the hassle of going to the post office during the busy holiday season. Everything you would do with the post office you can do right from your desk or your apartment, wherever the hell you're at. Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer print postage for any letter or package the instant you need it. Then the mailman comes and picks it up. It's so easy and convenient. You don't have to go down to the post office and deal with everything that I just described.

I use stamps.com to send out all the merch from my shows. You should do it too. Well, I guess you shouldn't unless you're doing a show. But whatever, if you got all these Christmas gifts, that's the way to send it out stamps.com right now. Get this special offer when you use my last name for a no risk trial plus an $110 bonus offer includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. They're giving you $55 during the holiday season. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com right now before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the page and type in. Enter burr, B U R R that's stance.com. Enter burr, B U R R. Alrighty, back to the podcast. So I was watching. I was watching one of those 30 for 30s. And they did this whole thing on on athletes going broke. It was really bad. There's a ton of people who've gone broke.

Most of them didn't want to do the documentary. Like why would you? You know what I mean? Hey, you want to talk about how you completely fucking blew it? No, I don't. I don't. And I resent the fact that the end of your documentary, you're going to be running a list with my name on it. You know, that's what they had at the end of it. But I was watching it and I felt bad for people. But after a while, it was just the same fucking story over and over again. And it's as much as I want to say that if I was 21 years old and you gave me a million dollars that I would probably fuck it up too. I just don't think I would, you know, I love these guys. You know, I got a check for $55,000 and I saw a Hummer. I had to get it. Talk to guy down to $49,000.

And it's like, if you just got a check for $55,000 after paying all the people in your life, your agent, whoever else you got, whoever else has taken it, your lawyer, whoever else takes a chunk out of that check, whatever's left out of that, the government's going to come in and take a 40% whack. If you get a check for $55,000, what do you got left? $20,000? And you just went out about a $50,000 Hummer. I don't know. But anyways, the point I wanted to make was at the end of it, after showing all these people going through this hell, they have this guy there who's supposed to be evidently some sort of financial advisor. And in the end, they were talking about LeBron James going, he is going to be, he has a potential to be other than Tiger Woods,

pre-divorce, a billionaire athlete. And they get like, how exciting is that? And they go, what, what would your advice be to this, to LeBron James on how to hang on to his billion dollars? And the guy goes, he goes, don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. That's what he said. It might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard. And I immediately, I had no sympathy for anybody in the fucking documentary. It's just like, even like, why is this guy on this document? Who the fuck is that guy? That's a guy who manages money. That's, hey, I got a billion dollars. How do I hold on to this? Where should I invest it?

What do I do? What advice do you got for me? It's simple. Don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. All right. Thanks a lot. I'll be, I'm out of here. Fucking ridiculous. It was basically, it was an hour and a half of listening to morons telling you what the fuck they bought with all their money. And I don't know. I felt bad, but there was another part. There's just one guy that I really felt bad for because it was the hurt that he had. You know, like Andre Ryzen was on the thing and he's sitting there in a suit with sunglasses on, mirrored sunglasses doing the interview.

And just right there, it's like, yeah, dude, I'd give you another million if I had it. If I gave it to you, you'd fuck that up. Why? Because you're sitting here in a shiny suit with fucking sunglasses on. Looking like Michael Jackson at the award show, right? So anyways, the one guy who actually really bothered me was if you ever watch it, it's 30 for 30 broke. There's a guy who's sitting there and he's just ever so slightly leaned to one side and just the pain in his voice. He's just sitting there going, I made $75 million in my career. And I had me a Mercedes, got a Hummer, got me a boat. And he's just sitting there looking down on his knee like playing with his pant leg.

I had a jet ski. And you just, I had to look away. It was fucking brutal. But the rest of it was just a bunch of knuckleheads. You know, I felt bad for Bernie Kosar too because Bernie Kosar, you know, it seemed like his dad took his money. I don't know what the fuck it was. It was, it's, it's a really, it's a, it's a great, all the 30 for 30s are awesome. This one is awesome, but they just should have had a couple of, they did, you know, something that's not true. Because they had like four or five guys. There was only two people who really came off like morons, but they were just so, they were such morons that I felt it tainted the whole thing.

Oh, that has might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard. What is your advice? Don't blow it. Keep it simple. Count your money. All right. I'm sorry. Was that even remotely fucking interesting? I love watching those 30 for 30s. I got to watch the Bo Jackson one. There was just something about that, like, you know, for as much as they showed the amount of people that went broke, there's been so many more people in the league that didn't go broke. So really, weren't you just showing a select group of morons, you know, who were going out and buying a Corvette and sticking a fucking hot tub in the back of it? You know, living week to week on paychecks. I mean, I just don't think that most people are doing that. I would really think that if, if I was barely on the team, I would be saving every dime. I know I would.

I've done that in this business. I've never fucking, you know, it's coming. If you're in any sort of entertainment, you know, it's coming. And the day it's coming is the day you think that you're good and that you made it. That's when somebody comes in with the hood on and the sickle and they just fucking choppy in half. And then that's it. And then you're that guy on TV fucking leaning into maybe that's why that guy was leaned to one side. They had to twist his torso back onto some fake legs. As he sat there going like, I got me a cabin, bought a mountain. You know, you think that if you had $75 million that you couldn't have, you know, that shit goes.

And when it goes, there's nobody around. Anyways, I got to watch it a few more times. I feel like there's some sort of comedy in there. I just don't know if I got to it today. Anyways, I've been drinking like a fucking madman lately. I really have to stop. I just keep going to these friggin Christmas parties, you know, and they got booze there. So yeah, you know something, maybe that if I got like a zillion dollars, maybe that's what I would have done. Would have gone out and become a complete friggin booze bag. Now what the fuck did I do with my notes here?

Oh fuck Christ's sake. I swear to God, this is just, it's not my day. It's not here, it's not there. It's not here, it's not there. What the fuck is it? There it is. You know what, let's read a question here. My brain is suffering from lack of oxygen here. Let's just read a question. College duet. Hey man. I'll keep this question short. I got my eye on this broad. She heard me playing music in the dorms, knocked on my door. I invited her in and we talked for a bit. Jesus Christ dude. I don't think you need any advice. That sounds like you're already there.

She just heard your talent and came knocking on your door. What more does she have to do? You know, pull up her dress and back her way in. Anyways, oh, she said she wants to do duets together. My fault. I didn't realize she was also in the business of Jesus. Anyway, second time I wasn't playing music, but she knocked on the door and started talking about duets again. Not sure if she wanted to play then or what, but I was busy studying so I invited her in again and we talked yet again. Dude, you're only going to get so many at bats where it's going to be weird if you finally fucking make a move. What are you doing? Where did that come from?

Anyways, I figure I'll invite her down. I have a single dorm with her instrument once the workload didn't really sound good. What? I figure I'll invite her down. I have a single dorm with her instrument once the workload after holidays dies down and just kiss her and see what happens. Oh, this is just a band geek. All right. What are you doing? Hey, come on over and bring your bassoon and then she's going to walk in. You're just going to kiss her. Please tell me there's going to be some sort of preamble of making her laugh or something. At least going to try to light a candle. Anyways, he says, how does that sound? Any advice?

I've had almost no interaction with her before or after this, by the way. Okay. He goes, love the podcast. Keep it up. You're a great guy. Just kidding. Fuck you. All right. What do you want to do with her? You just want to banger? If you just want to banger, what you have to do is just you have to stop acting like a gentleman. And I don't mean that in some sort of gropey, disgusting manner. What I mean is you have to, you have to not just say the shit you're thinking. All right. Just say the shit you're thinking and say what you want to do.

All right. If it's one of those, but if this girl, but if the girl is like, I don't know, she's more walled off. I don't know what the fucking word is. I think that brain cell died when I inhaled the power, powder this morning. She's more walled off. I don't know. She's like a nerd. I don't know what to tell you. I never was able to interact with female nerds beyond just talking to them because they were just so fucking. I don't like everything was like awkward. So after that, I was just like, you know what? I could literally rub one out faster than it's going to take for me to figure out just how to get her glasses off. So, yeah, dude, just invite her down. Fuck her instrument. You know, get the music out of it. And just say, hey, you want to come? I'm watching a movie tonight. Just get her over there.

All right. I don't know. I don't know where you've gone with the conversation so far. If it's going to seem weird, if all of a sudden you're sitting there and your Hugh Hefner robe, but that's the vibe I would have tried to bring. If you just want to banger, that that's what I would do. If you want, if you want to date this girl, then I'd take her out. But if you just want to banger, you have to start acting like a fucking crass individual sooner rather than later. You know, you know, it's a good way to kind of bring it into the sex thing is if you're watching TV and just start talking about some fucking girl on the TV, how hot you think she is and blah, blah, blah, blah. Hopefully that'll spin her around to be like, why? What do you find attractive in a woman? And then you just fucking blah, blah, blah. Well, like take a look at you. You kind of got your fucking titties there and sitting in my foe, right? And then you're in, right? Does that work? I hope it works for you, sir.

Because I think you are a great guy. You're a great guy because you're sitting in the dorm and you're practicing your fucking piccolo. All right, next one. Actually, you know what? That reminds me of a long time ago. Long time ago, I went to this girl's dorm and she wanted me to and I wanted to and I didn't know how to fucking bridge that gap. And we sat on her fucking single bed for like till my ass fell asleep and I finally ended up just, I just finally just said, I have to just get out of here. I don't know how to, you know what I mean? I don't know how to fucking crack the safe. So I should have been a little more empathetic. God, I was pathetic. I was fucking pathetic. Not saying I'm, I mean, I think that's been a through line in my life just being pathetic, but it's sort of morphed, you know? Every time I feel like, oh, you know, I kind of got that settled and there's a new thing, you know?

Like say podcast. I feel like this is a pretty pathetic attempt this week, don't you? Well, go fuck yourself. Hit the stop button. I don't give a shit. I really don't. It's one of the great things about this, this podcasting world is you really don't have to give a fuck. What the fuck is the man great thing? There it is. Hey everybody, this holiday season, this holiday season, think the man great. What is the man great? You ask, they're made of a hundred, they're 100% made in America cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill. Named one of 2012's best grilling accessories by men's health magazine. Now come on men's health magazine. You know, they're trying to teach guys how to be guys, a guy grilling. It doesn't get any more manlier than that. And it was named one of 2012's best grilling accessories.

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Every once in a while I get like really into cooking. And it's usually when I have a down type in this business and this time of year I always take, I always take some time off, you know, I don't like working over the holidays. I did enough for those fucking awful New Year's Eve gigs. You know, you're in some God forsaken fucking strip mall in the middle of nowhere. You all by yourself. You go on stage. You got like a 5050 chance that they already handed out the fucking noise makers. You're standing up there eating your balls. Then they make you do the countdown. Stop your act. Then I talk about this last week. I feel like I already did. I'll fast forward through this shit and then you got to somehow then they want you to continue your act after the countdown. It's the worst fucking thing ever. And everybody's hugging and kissing and that type of shit you're standing up there by yourself like the absolute, you know, cliched entertainer, you know, sitting there crying in your tuxedo. So anyway, so I usually, I take this time of year off and I start, I always get, I get into cooking. Cleo, stop staring at me. Come here. Stop staring at me. So anyways, I'm a big Mario Batali fan, right? So I made these braised short ribs that were the fucking shit. I went out and got myself a Dutch oven, you know, which because of that joke has really been ruined. There's no way to fucking say Dutch oven and cooking without somebody thinking about somebody farting under the blankets and pulling it over your face.

But I made these braised short ribs that have been the shit, but Nia's on a fucking diet so she's not eating any of them. So I ate like half a pig myself. And I don't think my belly has ever been rounder or wider. I have like one of those toddler stomachs, you know, those little beer bellies that they have. You know, I'm talking about Cleo. Cleo, do you want to finish the rest of this podcast? Do you? Well, then get off me. The fucking dog is so goddamn needy. All right, let's continue on here with the questions for this week. If I can find it, my computer, of course I can't because this is just how my days been working. I should have known I should have gone right back to bed. The fucking the second my headphones almost fell in dog shit. Isn't that isn't that like a sign that you should end the fucking podcast 33 minutes in this is brutal, brutal. All right, douche boss, dear Bill, first I want to say, but I have all the episodes of uninformed you did with the teen idol sensation on my phone and listen to them every day.

But onto my dilemma. I'm 18 and work at the finish line at the mall and my boss is a complete dick. Of course he is because he's managed managing a finish line at the mall. You're 18. You got your whole life ahead of you. He probably fucking married the wrong person. He's starting to go bald. He's standing there wearing that referee uniform. Going, Hey, what did I tell you about the Chuck Taylor's? You know, I told you to fucking stock him up in the back, whatever the hell they say. Don't you just want to choke him with his whistle? Did they make you wear whistles there? Or is that athletes foot? Or is that the foot locker? I don't know. Actually, you know something I have like the worst collection of dirty white boy sneakers you're ever going to see in your life. Every time I look at my sneaker collection, I picture, you know, Keith Robinson or Patrice, he was still alive. God damn it. Just trashing me. You know what's funny about how much I miss Patrice is the amount of times is when I miss that guy.

How the fuck do I tell the story without fucking out in somebody? Somebody told gave a fucking speech, you know, or whatever went on some rant about the state of comedy and everybody thought it was fucking amazing. It was just one of those times where I wish Patrice was in the room when this person was fucking, you know, was talking about it. That's when I miss that dude the fucking most. I missed him. Then I missed him when Penn State, that Sandusky guy, when he did, when he gave the fucking interview. You know that interview when he, I think he was talking to Bob Costas and they were going, do you, do you like little boys? And he was like, do I like little boys? I mean, I enjoy their company and, you know, somebody says, do you like little boys? There's one fucking answer. No. No, I don't. Okay. And fuck you for asking me that. And this guy sitting there like, you know, like trying to work out the math in his head.

And as creepy as it was to watch that when I watched it, I was actually laughing, thinking of Patrice, watching it, laughing hysterically and how he would somehow get 25 minutes of material just out of that guy trying to figure out how to answer that question. And I swear to God, like, I don't know. We got this benefit coming up for him. And as just putting the thing together, it's just like going through him dying all over again. It's been fucking brutal, but good and a good positive things because everybody bought up the tickets. But it's just been like this fucking, the finality of it. It's just something like, I'm not like, I even talked to all my buddies like we bring them up like he's still around. And we'll talk about him like he's still around for five minutes before you just start looking at the ground. It's just fucking awful. I really, I really do not wish that, you know, I don't know why you would but and it's not even worth even stating but I really don't wish this on fucking anybody because it's really just something when I'm 80. Well, if I'm lucky enough, you know, the way I've been drinking lately. Let's just be a little more conservative. I'm 68.

It's just something that's still just going to be, I've just come coming to an acceptance that it's going to be as sad when I'm that age as it is right now. You know, so I figured I'd talk about that to add to the already not hilarious podcast that I'm doing this week. I'd add to the losing a close friend fucking vibe. You know, who's getting who it really wasn't a funny fucking week out in the world. All right, douche boss. Where are we here? The finish line. He is one of those guys who, okay, his boss is a complete dick. All right, he says he's one of those guys who got bullied all through high school and now actually has some control and takes it out on me and the other employees. How did you figure that out? Is that you just like psychologically breaking the guy down? Do I have to tell you something? There's nothing worse than watching somebody abuse their position of power, however, however small it is. You know, like this guy right here has no right getting mad at like an athlete who goes around being a dick because it's like, dude, you're doing the exact same thing.

You just can't run a 440, but your your headspace is the exact same place as some, you know, ego maniac fucking athlete. You just you just suck at sports. So you sell the gear to people to go play sports. Anyways, he says he even steals out of the register at work and holds the special release shoes for him and his friends. He's 30 years old and tries to fuck the 16s and 17 year olds who work there. Oh my God. This guy is a character right out of the movies. You know, I worked with a guy like this. I used to work in a restaurant a long time ago. Sorry, trying to get the Czech cereal out of my throat. I used to work with this this guy and basically like four or five of these guys bought into a restaurant.

And the one guy who's going to be there every day who's always the guy who ends up stealing the silent partners always get fucked. His his buy-in was he had all the equipment for the kitchen. So he he I don't know. He had some other failed restaurant. He got all the equipment and but anyways, this guy was a coke head. He used to steal out of the register. He used to fucking try to bang the not the matron D the fucking matron Diaz, whatever the fucking chick who sits you down. The hot one, you know, who dresses classy. That skirt fucking going right over her shapely ass.

Yeah, he used to try to fucking bang them all the goddamn time and when they wouldn't give it up, they get fired and then he'd be bringing a new one. And if that one ended up banging him, then she stuck around was brutal. So anyways, he goes, he harasses me and others calling our phones repeatedly telling us to come in on our days off and Lee's voicemail saying we are ignoring him. Jesus Christ, my fucking day off. Anyways, he goes recently. He got the only cool management manager fired because he said he was stealing. I don't really need this job, but would like to keep working here, but don't know how much longer I can take this any advice on what I should do would be appreciated. Sorry for it being so long.

Go fuck yourself. It wasn't long at all. It just sounded long the way I read. Well, if you don't need the job, then I would I would quit. But what I wouldn't do is I wouldn't leave on bad terms. I don't know. Is it really going to matter? It's not like when you're 30, if you're looking for a new job, you're going to put on your resume.

I worked at the finish line because at that point you're going to be into a career. I don't you say I don't really need this job, but would like to keep working here, but don't know how. Oh, so basically you're saying you like having walk around money. Well, I would just get another job. Just get another job. Start the process of getting the fuck out of there. Nothing you're going to say to that guy is going to change that guy and all that guy can do is kind of make your life difficult. If you're trying to get another job at this point in your life.

Just know that like he's at the tip of the iceberg of the awful life that he's going to be living. Like the just what the way he's set in the table, you don't need to do anything to him because he's going to do it to himself. And it would really be bad if if this guy was just such a negative force that you somehow got sucked into it. I know you probably fantasized about punching him in the face or telling the guy to go fuck himself. And then the girl that you have the crush on at the finish line walks out arm in arm with you guys and you start your own sneaker store right across. And you watch him get fired. I know you've probably played that fantasy out your head a hundred times, but I would just get another job. Sound like you don't mind working.

You're not afraid of working. You like having the money, but you just can't deal with this douche. So this is a great life lesson. You do not need to be surrounded by douches. You have the power. It's your fucking life. Just he's always going to be a douche. Just walk out of his life.

Just be like, yeah, you know, I don't need to be around this guy. You know, and then one day when you run into him after you get another job. Hey, how come you left and just be like, you know, cause I don't know, dude, you would just and don't curse at him or anything because then it gives him an excuse to not see himself and just be like, I don't know, man. You just kind of creep me out the way you were always hitting on girls who were like 16 and 17 years old. I mean, if that's what you want to do, I mean, you know, that's cool, but you know, I'm just kind of not into that. So you have yourself a nice evening. You just walk away from him. Maybe it'll work out like that.

I have no idea, but I try and get yourself another job. All right. There you go. That's my advice. All right. Here's another next one. Multiple fuck buddies gone wrong. You know what, dude?

Just the fact that you had multiple fuck buddies, uh, it's, it's still a win. You know what I mean? It's still a win. You made the playoffs. Um, hey, Billy boy, first time, long time. I got, I'm going to go and get right into it. All right. Last weekend, I got a text from a former fuck buddy who found out that I had slept with their friend before we started hooking up.

Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. All right. You're crushing ass all over the place. You don't need my advice. I probably need advice from you. That's all. That's a secret goal of a certain percentage of guys is like, what if I can fuck her and

all of her friends before they all figure it out? You know what I mean? It's sort of like an action movie with your dick. And can I stick in and all of them before the bomb goes off and, uh, and can I get out of town like fucking deniro and heat? I see all of them coming up with the how dare you. Haven't you ever fantasized about doing that? And you were so good that as mad as they were, they all reminisced about how great you were.

And then all four of them come over and be like, ah, we're all fuck you at the same time. If you haven't had that fantasy, God bless you because you're evidently a way more decent a human being than I am. So anyways, with that, here we go. Um, he goes, she sends me anyway, let me just refresh your memory here. Last weekend, I got a text from a former fuck buddy who found out that I had slept with her friend before we started hooking up. She sends me a pretty heated two page text about how much of a dog and douchebag I am

for sleeping with her friend, then fucking her the same weekend. Yeah, dude, dude, you're a legend. You're a fucking legend. What is it? All you can do is just stand there with your hand at your sides, take the slap to the face and just know that yeah, you're a hero. Dude, you banged her friend and, and her in the same weekend. And you're, you're, you don't front a successful band.

I mean, that's, that's, you know, my hats off to you, sir hats off to you. Anyways, he goes now in reality, I had slept with the friend in late May and then starting hooking up with the fuck buddy in early September. Oh, okay. So she tried to make it more dramatic. That's still great dude. You seamlessly made the shift over the summer. You're still a hero.

Um, anyways, he goes to go into a little more detail. The fuck buddy had gone on several dates and fucked once three. Oh, I had gone on several dates with her and fucked once three years prior when we were both at college, but then shortly after she lost interest and we remained as friends for the next few years. When I say friends, I mean the occasional texts and seeing each other maybe three or four times. All right. So what is her fucking problem? What is the rule?

Shouldn't the, shouldn't the second one be mad at you? Cause you fucked the other one first. I don't, I'll never understand. I never understand what, can any female, if you're still listening at this point, if I have any female listeners at this point, can you explain to me why that makes you mad? You know, because I don't know, there was always like, there was always that girl that like, you know, when I was growing up, like, I can't say me cause I wasn't getting anything. I didn't get anything in high school.

Big fucking goose egg. I would make my, my pussy getting career in high school. I was like the first year the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came in the league and went winless. What was the name of their Gary Huff? Was that the name of their quarterback? I was the Gary Huff of pussy in high school. Whatever the hell we, I can't even remember the name. His last name was Huff was the name of their quarterback with cream sickle fucking uniform.

I might as well hit a suit made out of that when I was in high school. I, but anyways, there were, there were those girls that like my drinking buddy crew, like three or four of them out of the five had all hooked up with her. And none of us were, none of nobody was mad. Everybody high fives. Fucking great. That's, you know, we thought it was a great thing. I don't understand why they get so mad.

You know what it is? Is I just think that they want to, uh, it's a big thing with them that it, that it has to be difficult. And you know, and if they, I think they just feel like if you bang them and their friend, they just somehow feel like maybe it makes them feel cheaper. That there's just, you're just fucking hitting. It's like you're a machine gun. You just mowing them down.

I think that they really want to believe that they're the only one in that area code. You know, that they're like, uh, that it's like gold rather than like pine cones. You got to dig for it. It's precious metal. They don't, they don't want to feel like they're just like litter in the gutter. Maybe that's what I have. No, I have no idea. But I have learned something in this fuck buddy is two words.

This guy put fuck buddy together. Um, that's how much he's into sex right now. He's got, he's literally like the fuck is, is got the buddy part bent over and it's all one word. They are one. Um, so anyways, he said to go into a little more detail. I already read that party said so fast forward three years and the friend of hers. That's the future fuck buddy said that we should hang out after the socks game. All right.

I'm getting lost in this with all my rambling. Know what the fuck. So you hooked up with the former fuck buddy. And so now, okay. So this is when, when, when number two comes in before you went back to number one. All right. So fast forward three years later. Yeah.

So she didn't give a fuck. So who she should be mad at is the second one. No, but it's been three years. You know, I really don't think anybody has a right to be mad here. All right, whatever. Should we should hang out after a socks game? Of course I see this as a green light because whenever a girl that you really don't know says we should hang out is cause for I'm down to fuck. Exactly.

Did you hear that guy with the fucking bassoon? You got they, they speak in code. We should hang out sometime. That that's literally, that's what that means. If they say, would you ever think of taking me out? That means they want a relationship. We should hang out sometime. That's what that means.

Okay. And I'm not saying a hundred percent. Just say it. It's looking good. You get waved around by the third base coach. Um, anyways, what the hell am I for fuck sakes? I apologize guys. When a girl says that you don't fuck.

So anyway, so we end up fucking and she gets on a plane the next day to study abroad in Europe for the summer. Exactly. She wanted some shoving off dick. You know, let me get a little last piece of America before I go over to Europe. Tremendous. Anyways, fast forward three months later and the fuck buddy wall one word says that I should come over some weekend to hang out green light. We bang. It's great.

And we continue to do it until the end of the month when I fly back to the place that I now live. So a few days ago, I get the heated text saying I'm a dog. I'm a douchebag and she thought I was a friend, et cetera. I say that there's nothing I can do or say to change what happened. And the only thing that I can say is I'm sorry if I hurt her and that I am an asshole. But my question to you, uh, Mr. No relationship psychology degree comedian is am I a dog for what I did? No, you're not. You're not and fuck these women who call you up and use you like a fuck stick.

All right. They called you up because they wanted some dick and you gave it to them. All right. You gave them what the fuck they asked for and then she's going to turn around and get mad at you. And then you apologize and say, yeah, I'm an asshole. You're not an asshole, but you know something. I don't think you think you're an asshole because you're out there crushing it. You're just fucking saying what, you know, this girl wants to hear because probably six months from now, she's going to fuck you again.

Right. You're not an asshole. You didn't hit on the other girl. She said, Hey, we should hang out sometime. Okay. She's giving you the green light. You know what I mean? You're a guy.

You have to take that. You got to take it. Women don't understand that because they can get laid every night of the fucking week if they want to. They don't have to have any game. And they, for us, it's, it's, it's work. It's a skill. Okay. So when somebody, it's like you're in the wild.

You got a free fucking meal. You're going to take it. You know, I learned that in Australia when I was looking at those poisonous snakes and they're like, why does that thing have enough venom to kill 200 mice? Why does it need that much venom? It's because it's out there in the fucking, the outback and out in the outback food is scarce. So if you get a shot at something, you got to fucking take it down. And that's what the hell you did. Yeah.

I'm a fucking dog. You know, it's like, you know what? Fuck you, lady. I'm a dog. Then, then you're a whore. If I'm a dog, you're a fucking whore. Did I call you up? Did I come around sniffing up your skirt?

No, you called me because you wanted some dick and I gave it to you. How about a fucking thank you letter? Dude, you really should have come at her like that. You really should have. And I got to tell you something on some fucked up level. She would actually respect you as long as you didn't call. Don't call her a whore. All right.

But she fucking she. So what is her relationship with you? You guys barely talk and like whenever she's in a dick dry spell, she fucking goes over to you like your Hertz rental car and just fucking just rides your dick. And then you're supposed to be exclusive and not bang her friend who's cut from the same cloth. Who wants to get plowed before she goes over to Europe. This is your fucking fault. You're the one who should feel used. You know, neither one of them wants a meaningful relationship with you.

And you know what? This is what I say. Just don't even write them back. And you know something? Fuck them again. Just bang them again. Who gives a fuck? Next time you see if she wants to give you a dirty look.

Just like I don't even react to it. What a fucking what a bunch of bullshit. And I got I can't believe that like we don't have a relationship. I'm just gonna keep saying the same thing fucking over and over again. Why don't I? I'm stuttering here. You know, the other day I was watching. I was watching the Texans when the Patriots played the Texans Monday night football, right?

And some lady at the at the at the was watching with us. And she started giving Bobcraft shit for having like a 35 year old girlfriend. For those of you who don't watch football, Bobcraft was married forever. Had a family and his wife unfortunately died of cancer. You know, so she dies of cancer. You know, he's stuck by her side, did the whole damn thing. And then now he's got a new girlfriend. And she's 35.

And women are mad. They're upset about it. They're upset by it. And I don't I don't get it. You know, if I die of a disease, I don't want fucking me to be sitting here like some spinster. Go on, go have a good time. I'm dead.

I don't give a fuck. You know, less than I'm a ghost and I'm sitting there watching it, then I wouldn't like it. But I would just fly away. Why would I sit there watching it? You know, start haunting them every time they were going to have sex. I wouldn't do that to somebody. I just don't understand why like, it's not like he went out and got with like a 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 year old girl. She's 35.

35. If women aren't married, they're freaking out. Right. They look. I, you know what I love? I just love that they get mad at the guy and it's like, what about the girl? Why is she with them? Okay.

If he's some sort of like, you know, oh, he's just there because he wants a hot girlfriend. And then what about her? She's just there for the money. So then it works out. Doesn't it? I don't know. Whenever like shit like that goes on, that really taps into the cynical part of me, which, you know, if you listen to this podcast, God knows it doesn't take much. But sometimes I just, I just think that it almost taps into that fuck buddy thing.

They just don't want to know how easily that they could be replaced. Yet they want you to feel they don't give a fuck if they, if they try and make you feel that way. All those stupid songs Beyonce that debt to the left, to the left, you know, that whole song is like, yeah, just take your shit. Get the fuck out of here. I'll have another guy in two seconds. You're, you're that easily replaced, you know, and they, they love those songs. They consider them fucking empowering. But then when they see a successful guy with a, you know, a nice closet full of shiny ties in his own sports team, when they see that he can still fucking pull down some 35 year old ass, they get mad.

They start judging his character. Even me and my mom, we had that discussion. Well, I just don't think that that's, I just, I'm sure that there was somebody in their fifties that he could have. Who the fuck wants to get with a 50 year old? Even if you're 70, you know, I don't fuck. You know what I mean? You know, you're starting over again. If you got a fucking old car and you trade it in, you don't trade it in on a fucking another old car.

You get a new one, you know, you fucking ride that thing into the ground and then you get another one. I don't know. I'm just saying, I don't have a fucking problem with what the guy's doing. All right. That's it. All right, everybody, if you like, if you enjoyed this podcast and you'd like to support the podcast and in a roundabout way, support the Wounded Warriors project. Go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page and click on the Amazon link. If you're going to buy anything on Amazon, not saying you have to, but if you got to buy something, just go and buy it.

It doesn't change the price. But because you went through my website, they gave me a little kickback and then I take a portion of those proceeds and I give it to the Wounded Warriors project. So everybody wins. You're helping out the podcast. And more importantly, you're helping out the troops. And then that seems I'm kind of whoring out their plight to increase money that I'm making. I don't know. There's something wrong about that whole thing.

I don't know. I'm doing a good thing, but it's just the way that whole thing set up. I'm almost doing like what the NFL is doing with that pink shit. You know what I mean? Instead of telling people the foods that they can eat to knock down the potential of getting cancer, they just have everybody running around their dress like a Barbie doll. I don't, I don't get it. And I'm guessing somebody's making some money off of it. All right.

That's all I'm saying. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. That's the pod PAW D cast. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you guys so much for listening. NHL hockey. I have given up on you.

I've given up on you. I've I've threatened that I was going to get the whatever the fuck the NBA packages and they had it for free for two, three days, which was a great idea. And I watched it and I'm enjoying watching the Knicks, my Celtics and watching the Lakers lose. And I'm just, well, I guess I get the Lakers game out of here all the time. You know, Bill Russell wrote some book basically describing how he made the guys around him on his team better. And I was reading this Bill Simmons article. It was making me sick to my stomach because I couldn't finish reading it because I think Kobe is reading it, which would really be devastating. Because I don't think Kobe has ever progressed beyond where Michael jet Michael Jackson.

Michael Jordan was in about 1989 when Michael was trying to do it all himself. And there's nothing better as a Celtics fan that when Phil Jackson isn't coaching and Kobe is just trying to do it all himself. There's nothing fucking better because he's going to score 30 and they're going to lose. And that's what I love seeing. Wouldn't that be ironic if it took a Celtic to teach a Laker how to fucking win? Wouldn't that be something? All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.