Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-17-15

Episode Date: December 18, 2015

Bill rambles about bullying, bootleg stairmasters and driving cross country with Yoda.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm checking it on ya. How are ya? What's going on? Oh shit. It's the day before the fucking space movie comes out. You're 35. It's a fucking religion out there, right? Keep in mind that Obi-Wan Kenobi has died for us and he's using the force with you. He had that dirty robe. Maybe that's why he got sliced in half. All right, so I have a little cartoon coming out called Ephesus for Family Tomorrow. I know it's not the big space movie that everybody wants to see, you know, with R2-D2 and C3PO and that fucking green thing that got shot in the bar way back in the day. How does the evil one go?

How does the evil song go? Fucking same goddamn movie. Why are you guys going to see that? You don't know what's going to happen in Ephesus for Family. You know what's going to happen in Star Wars. Good is going to triumph over evil, doesn't it? Always except for that one, you know, where they ran around on those mechanical fucking llamas, whatever the hell they were, the ad-ats. I know all this shit because one of my brothers, he had all the fucking action figures. You know, I remember that shit. You know, I just, you know, I talked about it on Conan. I just missed out. I didn't see it at the right age. And then when I saw it, I was like, you know, the hype was just so fucking big. And I was just like, this was, this was the big deal. This is the big, I thought the first one

was boring. And then the next one I loved. I liked the one that the fucking dude cut the guy with the blackout Darth Vader Darth Vader Joe. Yeah, but then you fucking guy moved into the neighborhood fucking Darth Vader dude, his fucking ride is sick kid. Yeah, he cut off Luke Skywalker's hand in that air conditioning shaft, whatever it was. None of it's explained, by the way. It's just all spacey looking shit. You know what I mean? Oh, Bill, you're a grumpy cunt. Why can't you let people enjoy it? You know, they like it. You know what? You're right. You're right. I wish I cared. I wish I was in. I like sci fi. Hey, I like sci fi. Why can't I come along? That'd be a great YouTube video. Just have people driving by just heckling people in the lines.

Don't do that. Please don't do that. Those people in that line, they've been through enough. You know what I mean? I think the people who are into Star Wars, they've been through enough. Maybe not the younger ones, maybe them you can give shit to because they haven't been bullied because it's been like outlawed, right? No bullying. How the fuck is this generation going to produce another generation of great comedians if nobody got their heads stuffed into a toilet? I mean, it's just, it's a fucking shame. You know, first, as much as people shit on bullies, they're really the reason for some of the great musicians, comedians and all that, they channel all that pain and humiliation to the tone in their guitar, right? Maybe they get

through it with the silliness. You know what I mean? Learning how to fucking, who knew toilet water would make your cowlick finally lay down? Who knew that? You know, get jokes out of it? Nothing. He's anti-Star Wars. He's pro-bullying. This isn't what I signed up for. So anyway, so I'm done. I'm done with my press. I had a great time on found and I did Conan. I did like a fucking thousand goddamn radio things and print things and all of that. And the cartoon finally comes out tomorrow. Go see Star Wars. I'm just fucking with you guys, man. It's just fun to shit on something that everybody's into. They're fucking good movies. What? They're for the kids, right? You know what I mean? They're for the kids. Please tell me they're for the kids. Please tell me you're not

sitting there with nobody in your life with a bunch of stuffed animal Ewoks on some man-made shelf. I guess they're all man-made, but homemade, you know, little fucking two by six right above your head with your action figures still in the box. So they're worth more money, but you know you're never going to sell them, but you can't get yourself to open them up. Why don't you take it out? You know, do your little Chewbacca impression. What was it, Yoda? Huh? That fucking weird way I know my body talks, you know? At the desk you must sit. What the fuck he does? Oh my God, what an annoying little green cunt. You can't hate Yoda. You know what? You could if you drove cross country. He'd have to do some Jedi shit like

every half a state before you just like, dude, you either need to do some magic stuff or you have to stop talking. Okay, because my fucking brain you're hurting or whatever the fuck you say to him. Oh, you know you'd be annoying. You just start imitating them. Really? Really? You douche? What's wrong with me? You know what's wrong with me is I need to just fucking chill out and I can't. I got two shows tonight because I got to get ready for my New Year's show here in LA at the Orpheum. Who's going to be on the show? God damn it, the four horsemen are coming to the town. Well, I guess I'm already here. So three of them. Well, Lawhead lives out here. Two up now. Bartnick's out here. One of them's coming to town. Sorry, I just totally blew that out there. One of them's

coming to town. I'm usually good about pulling the microwave. One of them's coming to town and the other three are already here. All right, that's the magnificent seven, Bill. You need three more riders. It's going to be me, Lawhead, Bartnick and Paul Verzi at the Orpheum, the legendary Orpheum downtown. Downtown LA. First shows at 7.15, for whatever fucking reason. I don't know why it's not 7 or 7.30. It's 7.15, everybody, just to make sure you're paying attention. And then the other one is at 10 o'clock. All right, two fabulous shows. So last night we had the premiere for Efforts for Family. And I told the lovely Nia that I was going to go up there with the great Mike Price from The

Simpsons co-creator of the show. We were going to thank everybody for coming out. And the second I thanked everybody, I was immediately going to walk right out the movie theater because I did not want to sit there watching people watch it because I can't describe that feeling. After years of being a comedian where you can adjust, if it's going bad, you can speed up, you can slow down, you can do this, you can do that. The fucking TV show is locked. It's done. So if it starts bombing, all you can do is just sit there. And so that was my game plan. I thanked everybody. And then I started to walk out the theater and I just felt everyone was looking at me and I'm like, that's not good. Everyone's going to think he doesn't like his own show. So I just walked in

and I just sat down in the nearest empty seat, which was it next to my wife. I just sat there. And within three seconds of watching it, I was like, why the fuck did I do this? And they played three episodes. Fortunately, people were laughing. But yeah, I sat there squirming for a good fucking whatever, however long it took 90 minutes to watch. But fortunately everybody loved it. Everybody could relate all different ages and that type of shit. So I'm hoping you're going to like it there. I'm done. I'm done promoting it. Why do you feel guilty promoting your own projects? You deserve it. And it's your podcast. You should have the right to talk about whatever you want. Is that what Yoda would say

but in that douchey voice? But why do I attack Star Wars? Every time it comes out, I just can't handle the fact. I do the same thing. There's a lot of shit that everybody likes that I don't like. And maybe I should just be like, you know what, Bill? Maybe maybe I had to lighten up it a little bit. You know? No. You know what I mean? Why don't you just let people like what the fuck they like? I like sci-fi. That fucking Sam Rockwell movie Moon. Did you guys see that? I like that one. I like Stanley Kubrick's Space 1990. Now the fuck was it called? Last computer on Earth. I'm sorry, Brian. I can't do that. What the fuck he used to say. 2001, A Space Odyssey. I like that movie.

I was going to say Moonraker. That was fucking James Bond when he was in the space shuttle. That wasn't it. Blade Runner. I like that one. I like those ones set in the future where everybody lost their rights and were out of fucking natural resources. Those are the ones I like, you know, and then they got to fight back against. Oh, fuck. Am I explaining? I think I'm describing Star Wars. I guess it's that self-help. I don't know what it is. All right. You know what I'll say. You know what? It's too nice. There. That's what it is. It's just too fucking nice. You know what I mean? Like they got a couple of malls out here in LA. They're both called the Grove. You know, and you go down there, right? And it's all brand new. And they got this stupid fucking

trolley going down the center, right? Making it look like it's this old style town. And you know, it only runs like 100 yards, and then it just turns around again. But when you're in the middle of this mall, you know, and they're playing Sinatra and Tony Bennett, you know, if I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring. And you're fucking, you're walking around. There's a trolley, you feel, you get a little spring in your step, and then it hits you like, dude, I'm going into the gap. I'm buying a bunch of shit I don't need. What am I doing here? They create this whole fucking atmosphere that's so fucking nice that it drives me up the wall. I got to come with something positive. You know what the most positive thing I saw this past week

was? I saw these kids playing two on two football in a basketball court. And when I was in New York, that time when I had to fight with the person at the gym, so I went to that outdoor place, you could do pull-ups. And I don't know, you just never see that. You never see it anymore. I wish kids did that more, you know? I wish kids weren't so fat. I wish they'd go outside the house, you know? But you can't let them out of the house now, right? Everybody is a fucking pervert behind every fucking tree. You know, they should give kids guns. Just hear me out. If you give kids guns, if somebody goes to snatch them, he could just fucking pull his gun out and blow the guy's brains out. And then if they shot each other, as sad as that would be, it would probably,

it would definitely obviously help the population problem. You know what I mean? Because one of them would be dead and the other one would be going to jail. That would be it. It would just stick you in this place. You know, you likely to get stabbed. That's weird, right? Hey, it's desperate times. You know? Someone's trying to tell me to watch something that was trying to say that fucking Miami's going to be like finished in 10 years. Miami, New Orleans, all of these fucking places. And I was just like, dude, I don't want to hear that. You know, I'm going to be one of those guys, you know, figure out something. They're going to figure something out. I think everybody's saying that all the way up to the top.

So anyways, hey, how about my Bruins? They've been winning lately and I have been so busy having watched. Last night I watched the second period and just long enough to watch McQuade take a puck to the fucking mouth. I don't know if you've never played hockey. I took one time just once. Okay. I haven't played a lot of hockey in my life. Just one fucking time, one fucking time. I took a rister off my big fucking toe. All right. Just some fucking novice guy. We were in Canada, so it's probably a better risk shot than what I would have run into down here. I took it right off the, you know, I wasn't doing anything in the game. So I wanted to do something productive for my team. I was like a minus 50, three minutes into play and pick up hockey. And for some reason,

I decided to block a shot in a pickup game when I had a standup gig that night hit right off the inside of my, the arch of my foot and my fucking toe. I felt like I got shot in the foot and didn't even hit me that hard. This guy took a professional fucking, thank God it wasn't a slap shot. It was I think it was a rister. He fucking turned around to see what was up like where the puck was and it was like right there. It's like when Tom Brady throws the pass, you know, before you even turn the balls already coming, you're like, oh shit, right? If you got like me, you break your finger because you didn't, you didn't open them wide enough, quick enough, right? Took it right in the fucking mouth. That's it. He's rolling around on the ice and the announcer's just like, well,

fortunately you don't need teeth to play hockey. That was it. Can you imagine if a soccer player took a fucking puck to the mouth? He'd still be lying there. People would be rioting in the stands. They'd have tear gas and all that type of shit. But anyways, I'm completely out of the loop with that. Here's one of my random picks for this week. All right. If you're a gambling man, if you're going on that DraftKings or that whatever, if you go in old school and you're actually betting a team rather than players, you know, I like the Giants this week. And I don't even know how many fucking points they're getting. I don't even, I don't even know how many, let me see how many fucking points they're getting. They're playing the fucking Panthers. So I think

everybody's going to be like, all right, the Panthers are going to fucking kill them. They're going to give the Giants all these fucking points because everybody's going to bet the Panthers. You're going to get all these extra points. And I'm telling you fucking Odell Beckham and Eli are going to be enough, even though the Giants have no defense. Let me see right now. Giants, Panthers, betting, spread. When I just do that, that's easier, huh? What's the fucking spread? I lost last week too, but lifetime, lifetime, I'm up like 660 bucks on the book. All right. Isn't that what all your friends say? Nobody ever admits, nobody knows what the fuck that figure is. The second you gamble for more than three weeks, you have no idea.

Dude, lifetime, maybe. Giants, Panthers, odds. Do Giants have a chance against unbeaten Carolina? Let's see here. Just give me the fucking line. I hate this new era. I really do. Draftkings, they have all kinds of fucking shit, wouldn't they? If I was going to bet on, you know, Odell Beckham, just him, odds point spread. Week 15, all right? Weekly odds. Where is it? Where is it? Line, Carolina minus four. That's it. What? What the fuck is that game? Under Rovers 49. All right. You know what? Fuck that. I want an eight. Give me eight fucking points. I'd bet Carolina. That's the games in New York. You know, Bill, it could kind of help if you fucking looked it up

before you got involved in this, wouldn't it? Wouldn't that have helped? I don't give a shit. All right. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So I got to get my shit together, man. I have not been working out, but I've been kind of maintaining and I also haven't been doing that much stand-up because I've been promoting this show and I got to get my fucking ass ready for this New Year's Eve show. And that starts tonight. If you're in LA, I'll be down the laugh factory and I'll be at the comedy store, although by the time they post this, the shows would probably already have happened. So that didn't make any sense, did it? All right. I don't know where this is going. Hang on a second. Let me, let me look up some shit. Give me something to talk about here,

right? You know, if you notice lately, I've had to hit the pause button a lot. I think, I think I'm coming to the end of this podcast or at the very least, at some point, I'm going to have to have a fucking guest, right? I mean, after a while, you just see, I mean, when it gets to the point you're making pie crust videos are pretty much at the end of my rope here. People tell me, dude, you should make some more fucking videos. It's like there's nothing else that I kind of know how to make. That's interesting. I don't think, right? I don't know. I have no idea. We're finally getting the fucking, my house fixed up on the outside. You know, the gates and everything were falling down. It's never ending. It's never ending. I think when I get that fixed,

then I got to move on to the garage. That hunk of shit. I'm never going to get my money back. And I'm just doing this stubborn German Irish thing that I don't give a fuck. And I'm doing everything first class. I don't give a fuck. Well, we could use this piece of shit. We could use this one that's decent. And we could use the top of the line. I'm like fucking John Bender, you know, when, when the pre in breakfast club, when he's going, I got you two Saturdays. You want another one? He's like, yes. That's three good. That's what the construction people are doing. Yeah, you know, we, we, we found another fucking problem. It's going to cost another three grand. So you want another? I'll keep digging. I'll keep looking in your fucking walls.

There's really no sympathy here, man. This is my own goddamn fault for buying a 90 something year old. Yeah, 92 year old house. It's my own fucking fault. And I have to be honest with you, I think I'm over old shit. I think I'm over it. Like the next house I buy is going to be totally fucking modern, brand new, you know, just conk fucking two, three concrete slabs. Look like a parking garage. I'll just build some walls around it. Everything's going to be brand fucking new and up to code. I've, uh, I, I just, I've had it. I've had it every mother fucking thing because you know what it is about this house is it's settled to over the last 90 something years, right? So everything's fucking cock-eyed and twisted and all that type of shit. So when,

and they go to fix something, they always go, well, you know, this isn't really square and it's going to look dumb. So I got to square it up. So I go, Hey, square it up. You know, go ahead, square it up. You know, I just kind of walking out, you know, at this point, any time anybody construction talks to me, I merely just, I, my eyes are squinting and I got my fucking eyebrow furrowed like just, you know, I'm doing that. Come on. Come on. Come on. Just tell me how much it's going to be. Where do I sign? Yeah, go ahead. I don't give a fuck. I'll be on the road forever. Don't mind me. Don't mind me. I'm just a guy, just a guy paying for it. Um, but seriously, eventually I have to do, uh, you know, I got to redo my fucking piece of

shit, fucking do it yourself. Tree ford of a garage and, um, I got to slip that one by the wife. You know, they're all about the shit that's in their world. You know what I mean? But the garage, which is funny, which is where most, you know, most guys who live with women, you end up in the garage. So when you say you want to do something to the garage, like your wife is just, I don't understand. What are you talking about? This is a garage. It's just a garage. You know, I just, I just feel like, I feel like that's the place where we just drop shit off. You know, I would eventually like to do, uh, put a little bit of a gym in there. That's what I should do. If I just had something fucking here, but I heard this fucking, those, those treadmills, it's like running

like 15 refrigerators at the same time. So when I'm thinking of doing, hear me out, this is my plan, redoing the garage. And on top, you make it solar powered. So it's just completely off the fucking grid, right? And then I can maybe guilt free, have some sort of fucking elliptical or some shit. That would tell you the time when I was living with Bobby Kelly, Robert Kelly from, uh, uh, sex and drugs and rock and roll. Right. He plays the drummer. We used to live together and he was such a pack rat. He used to just bring shit in off of the fucking street. And I remember one time I was kind of living back and forth between LA and New York and I came back from LA. It's like the late nineties and he had taken from off the street the most bootleg fucking stair master I'd

ever seen in my life. It was, I swear to God, it was made out of like, I don't even know what it was like, whatever the material was, it just qualified to be metal. I remember it was white with these red stripes and you got on the fucking thing and it had this little digital clock and you'd start going on it. And as you held the handles, like any sort of body weight would like sort of bed, the whole thing fucking moved like the frame that it was on. And I remember he got it and he stuffed it over in the corner and I just went like, I was like, Bobby, what the fuck is that? He was like, dude, we're talking about dude, you're fucking the stair master. I got it off the sidewalk. I got it for free, dude. You want to use it? It's like, no, dude, I'll go to the gym.

Fucking gym's like 15 bucks a month. It gives a shit. So, uh, I remember watching him using it one time and I was laughing my balls off because he weighed like, and I'm, he wasn't, you know, the size he is now. I'm not trying to make fun of him here. He just was, he was 10 times the size of the thing. It looked like it was built for an eight year old and he was over in the corner and it's little ass fucking living room as I'm trying to watch this little kitchen TV that we had that was sitting on this TV VCR. Oh my God, TV VCR stand that I made in wood class, like my junior or senior year in high school that I gave to my dad and you were supposed to put the TV on top of it and then underneath it was the VCR and then it had two doors that opened on the

bottom like cabinets and in there you put all your VHS tapes. My dad took the fucking, I gave it to him. He took the back off the thing and he stuck the TV underneath it. It was so stupid. He had to lay on the floor to fucking watch it. It was classic. My dad, like he's just, I guess I'm like him. Like I just see shit. I don't see it for what it is and then people look at me like, dude, what the fuck is wrong? That same way that when I stand in front of a stage, a stove and it says turn on the front burner to me, it's what everybody else considers the back burner because the way I look at the stove is it's like I'm standing behind a car. I don't know why. I just look at it like, I don't know, maybe it's my low self esteem. Like I'm standing in the back of the

lines to the front of the lines. I have no fucking idea. So he took the back off it and shoved the TV under there. And I remember all my friends who, you know, also took shop class when they would come over my house like years later drinking, they'd be like, dude, what the fuck is the TV? And I was like, dude, don't even, I don't even want to tell you. My dad took the back off. He ripped the shelf out and he just stuck the TV down there and they will laugh and they thought it was the funniest fucking thing ever. They went, here you go, dad, you know, Merry Christmas or whatever. He's fucking, he modified it. So anyway, so I, when I moved out, I got it back minus the back or the shelf. And I finally, I remember it was a proud moment that I put this little piece of

shit TV on top of it. So that thing sitting on top, we got a VCR underneath it, and then a bunch of fucking tapes and shit, like water boy and all that stuff that was fucking was coming out in the late nineties. And we had all these Adam Sandler movies and all this shit that was in there. So I'm sitting down. Oh my God, I had a fucking couch and like a lazy boy, but it didn't recline that was from my dad's dental office from the early seventies. So I had this horrific floral pattern and it was made out of this wood that weighed like nine million. It took like 10 guys to pick up the fucking sofa. And of course it was busted. So I'm sitting there, right? And I'm in the fucking lazy boy that doesn't recline and Bobby's over in the corner on this

fucking hunk of shit, Stairmaster. I'm trying to watch TV and he's over in the corner going, yeah, yeah, yeah, fucking sweating and shit. And I'm laughing my balls off. He's going, fuck you, dude. Stop making me laugh, dude. Right. He's trying to go on this thing. And Oh, is this the day? I may, I may be combining days. I just remember going into the bathroom and as I was in the bathroom, you walked out like the giant, this big living room, you was a railroad apartment, right? So you walked to the right. He's in the back left of the room. I walked to the right and then immediately make a right into the bathroom. So it's like a fucking hairpin turn. So I go in, take a piss. And as I come walking out, Bobby had picked up a racquetball

and threw it as hard as he could to hit the wall. It wreckage. It was a perfect shot. Wreckage. He couldn't even see me. Wreckage shade off the wall came right in and hit me right in the mouth and like split my lip a little, made my lip bleed. And I remember I had an audition to do Conan O'Brien that night at the fucking, at the comic strip. And I was so fucking mad at him. And he was dying, laughing cause dude, it was like a one in a million shot. It was literally like Larry Bird, you know, off the fucking camper, off the house, blah, blah, blah, nothing, but net. Like he couldn't even see me. He was on this fucking piece of shit. Stairmaster. He found from off the side. And he fucking just fired this thing, hit me right in the goddamn mouth.

So I had to sit there and put pressure on it. And he kept saying he was sorry, but I knew he wasn't. And then I had to get him back. And that's what it was like living with him. Oh, fuck man. I don't know how it came up with that. I was a long, long, long ass time. I moved into that place in 1995. And I moved out, I want to say in 2000, um, this fucking railroad apartment. And I had to walk through bedroom in this little single mattress, bed mattress fucking thing, just sitting on a frame. And I remember my roommate, this Nigerian dude who was into the Rangers played hockey and all that shit. He, uh, he had to walk through our, like my bedroom to get either to

his bedroom or to go into the basic railroad apartment means it's just side by side. So went his bedroom and then my little half a bedroom and then the living room. Then there was a little hallway with the bathroom and then the kitchen. And it was all just lined right up like, uh, people stand in the line for some coffee or some shit. So he had to walk through my bedroom. So obviously, um, there was a tremendous lack of fucking privacy. And I remember living there. And then when I started living in LA, I like sub-ledded it out to Bobby. And then the roommate was cool to let me come back when I was in New York to crash there for like a week or so. We were all young guys. We didn't give a fuck, right? So it was fine. And, um, I remember after a while,

a couple of years of being there, I remember Bobby telling me going like, dude, when we were talking about getting an apartment, like, dude, we should just get an apartment. I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. We're living like fuck. We were living like animals. And, uh, I remember Bobby just going, dude, I just want a door. I just want a door to a room that's mine that I can close. And, uh, and I remember just sitting like, oh my God, that'd be unbelievable. Like that was the big, that was the big fantasy back then. To just have a fucking door that you could close. Jesus Christ. Was that 20 fucking years ago? I guess it was. I'm an old man. All right,

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that Jesse Plemons who I actually, I did, um, I never really had a scene with them, but I worked the same day on Breaking Bad with them when we did the, uh, train robbery thing. And, uh, I gotta tell you about his, his, his fucking act. He's an astoundingly talented guy, man. That guy is, he's like, that guy is an Oscar in him. And, uh, and also Chris, is it Kirsten? Kirsten dunce. But the two of them, man, I fuck everybody on the show is obviously amazing, but the two of them have been, uh, have been me and my wife's favorite, man. Um, so check that out. And if you guys know anything, I'm kind of in between shows right now. Um, and I got time to binge watch shows. So if you guys, and you can watch my show, F is for family in about two and a half, three hours. Um, but if

you guys know of anything else good that you're watching, please let me know because, uh, I'm on a nice roll here. All right. Well, listen, that's the, uh, Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Uh, we're going to close out here with a little bit of music picked by Andrew Thamelis. And then we're going to have some, uh, some throwback greatest hit stuff from podcasts gone by. Um, if I don't talk to you, have a merry Christmas. I'm fucking with you. How many days away is that? I'll do another couple of podcasts before that. Oh, it's next Friday. Isn't that something? Um, all right. And happy Hanukkah to everybody. I didn't say that, man. Did you enjoy the nine? Is it nine days? I did an Adam Sandler song. How many days are in Hanukkah?

I should know that on the first day of Hanukkah. My true love gave to me something fucking nice. And I'm not a ball fucking soup for you. How many days? I should know this. It's a menorah, right? How many days on Hanukkah? How many days? There's eight days. There's eight days. Get the fuck out of here. Then why is it nine candles? Hanukkah period lasts for eight days and then they got nine candles. I don't understand it. Is that like Michael Jackson and the Jacksons? Will they stop being the Jackson five? Um, no, whatever. Okay, that's it. I'm done. Uh, you guys, you cunts have a great weekend and I'll talk to you on Monday. All right, let's go, Pat. On the cross country fucking flights. So anyways, there was this adorable woman next to me

and she was from Australia. Had a little fucking, uh, accent and all that type of shit. So whatever, long story short, we're taking off from JFK and one of the runways is shut down. So it's taken for fucking ever, right? A couple people on the plane are in wheelchairs, so that takes more time, you know, your proverbial fat fucks, you know, the whole deal. So, uh, we take off like an hour and a half late. It's just a whole fucking thing. By the time we land, we land, there's no gate and then we got to sit there and wait to get towed in and the whole thing's taken forever and she just does this shit where she just goes, she says, she goes, is everything in America slow? You know, so I let it slide and then the plane lands and we're

all trying to see who won the Celtics or the Lakers because we all missed the fucking game. Thank God ESPN showed the replay. I caught the second half and it goes around the plane like wildfire, fire, you know, the Celtics won Celtics won and this girl, my girl was joking about how much people give this shit and then this girl makes comics, something like, you know, Americans, fucking blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, you know what? I let it slide with the first fucking one, but it's just really, you know, like they always talk about the ignorant American. What kind of a fucking asshole comes here from another country and shits on the country to somebody who's from this country? When I was over in England, I didn't walk around saying to English

people how fucking awful their torsos were. I didn't do that. They said, I enjoyed England. I'm like, it's fucking great. I can't believe I'm over here. Royal Albert Hall. It's beautiful. I can't wait to come over here again. Phenomenal fucking city. I didn't say your food sucks. You guys all have will ferrell mushy torsos. I didn't say any of that shit. I didn't talk about your teeth being fucked up. I didn't talk about the weird inbred look because you've all been fucking each other and the same goddamn strip of land for fucking thousands of years. I didn't do that shit. I was on my best behavior and here I am sitting next to this fucking clam. Is everything in America slow as opposed to what? That beacon of speed that fucking Australia is? Fucking people. You know,

I went to Australia. I was there for like three days. I had a good time down there, but you know, I could have picked that place apart. All the unemployed people just sitting in bars drinking. That fucking idiot. You know, same fucking cunts. Same goddamn. Just cunts. That's all it is. Everybody taking potshots in America now. That's what it is because we've been on top and we've been exploiting their labor. I guess maybe that's maybe we deserve a little bit of that shit, but you know what? Look in the fucking mirror, Australia. Or woman from Australia. The fuck? I went there. I was just like, wow, like I was going into the future. Can I have a ham and then a fucking sandwich is right in my hand before I even finish it?

I didn't find them to be overly fast over there either. You wait. You fucking wait. You think it's not coming your way? Our corporations are just ahead of the curve of where your corporations are. Our corporations have basically exploited every last legal way that they can make more fucking money over here. So now they're just stealing. They're just stealing and they're cutting fucking staff members. I actually had to wait like a half hour, 40 minutes to get my bag last night. I think it was that Sunday thing once again. It's Sunday. It's Sunday. So we just have like a skeleton crew. I don't know. All I'm saying, you know, it's just bugging me. It's like, do you think I know that that shit isn't a little fucked up

over here? Do I need you to come over here? I would never be in Australia and go like, yeah, Australians to another fucking Australian. You know, that's the type of, I just felt like fucking stuffing her in a goddamn boogie board bag, boogie board bag. Why did I pick that? Because I saw that documentary of that stupid fuck from Australia who's put 200 pounds of fucking weed into a boogie board bag, all right, alliteration for you. And then goes to like Bali, you know, if you even have cold medication, they hang you by your balls in the public square and she gets life imprisonment. That's what you get, you dumb fuck. That's what you get. That's one of my Theon fuck Australia. That's how it works. You see,

that's how it works right there. There's a lot of people in Australia right now. Maybe listen to this shit going, you know, I would never say that. I would never do that if I went, yeah, well, one of you did. So there you go. Do you think Germany likes to be judged by Hitler alone? They don't. I bet there's a lot of sweethearts over in Germany. Look at all those fucking fat, jolly people during October fest running around dressed like they're in Hansel and Gretel, you know, shitting on each other or whatever weird fetishes they're into over there. All right, what an asshole fuck, fuck, anyway. So the jets have started their season at zero and zero with the whole league

as amped up to kick the shit out of them as people were amped up to beat the fucking Patriots it by mid November. All right, and I'm telling you right now, they are going to have a mediocre fucking season. I think it's going to start off with the loss tonight. I'm not saying that they're not going to go nine and seven, but these guys, I don't know what their fucking problem is and not to mention that now they have a nice little scandal here cover the daily news. They says, cool your jets TV reporter flags team for lewd behavior. Eniz Saints reporter for Azteca TV. Where the fuck is that broadcast? It's is at the center of a jet bruja. Basically,

if you see this girl, she's fucking haughty, right? She's got her little pass here. And, you know, she's got some cleavage show. Oh my God, are you serious? They got a picture of her at a jets practice. She's got on the tightest fucking jeans I've ever seen in my life with the most perfect round ass you've ever seen. And she's in high heels. Okay, and she's walking around a bunch of football players who got that testosterone going with a fat shit talking coach. Let me guess, somebody said something out of line. Oh, this is just this is you know what I mean? Just right here. And this is one of these things where you can't say, well, look how you dressed because they go, you're blaming the victim.

She should have a right to have three quarters of her tits outside of her shirt with a thong going up her fucking ass crack. And she should be allowed to walk into a locker room with a bunch of football players and not have one out of fucking whatever the fuck you're going to say. Well, one fucking rude comment. Give me a break. NFL boss Roger Goodell was demanding answers last night from Jets players. Well, why don't you look at the pictures? Roger? Huh? What are you a fucking eunuch? You don't understand what the problem was? For players coaches accused of subjecting a female sports reporter to sexist locker room conduct. They should have just said for subjecting her to locker room conduct. This is basically what

happened. She went into a locker room and was subjected to locker room conduct. Can you believe it? I remember last night when I went out to a bar and I was subjected to bar room conduct. I couldn't believe it. I was like, what am I in a bar or something? As they prepare for their season opener tonight, gang green is dealing with a burgeoning scandal over the treatment of Inez Saints for Azteca of Mexico. This girl is a 10. She's fucking smoking gorgeous. I mean, you got to see the way she's dressed. Okay. And fuck you ladies. Fuck you. Look at the way she's dressed. She's one of those. You know what's funny about the broads out there is this is the kind of girl, right? The kind of woman that kind of fucking who

who if, you know, if any of these women, you know, who are listening to this podcast, they're walking down the street with their husband and this girl comes walking by, they immediately they date fucking, you know, when their eyes become like little slits as they look at them. You know, and then they're looking at their husband and they're going to get mad at you because this other bitch goes to the gym. You know, like somehow it's your fucking fault and they're fucking looking at you because they can't just come out and say, oh my God, that girl is fucking gorgeous. I'm so jealous of her. They can't, they can't own that emotion. So then they look at you and they're just waiting for you to glance in that part and that woman's

direction. So they can blame you that this fucking other girl is eating right and fucking doing herself up, right? It's going to become your fucking fault. I used to do a bit about that. Next time you, you know what, here's one for you guy on a burner joke right here that I never fucking recorded. So who gives a shit? Next time you're walking down the street with your girlfriend, right? And this fucking unbelievably smoking shit comes walking up the street, right? And what do you got? And she immediately just looks at you like, go ahead and look at her so I can take out my fucking hatred of this better looking girl and make it your fucking fault, right? This is what you do. Rather than trying to look away and having blood come out of your, out of your eyes,

you try not to look at this fucking hot piece of coming up the street. What you do is you fucking point right at her and whatever she's wearing, you tell your girl that she'd look great in that. You point right at her and be like, you know what, you'd look great in a dress like that, right? And then immediately just, you know, it makes their insecurity go, oh my God, really? Do you think I could get away with wearing something like that? Totally. You girls feeling good. You're staring at the girl's ass. You're talking about the cut of the dress. It's bullshit. You're checking around without disrespecting your woman. See right there. Bill Burr bringing couples together. All right, let's continue on here. So this woman 32 years old, 32 years old, still in

smokin' fucking shape. A former Miss Universe contestant complained she was bombarded with catcalls and borish antics at the Jets New Jersey training facility to the extent she wanted to, in quotes, said, cover my ears. I'm dying of embarrassment. This woman, right? Former Miss Universe contestant who would walk on stage with a fucking string bikini and high heels with a hoo-ha hanging out, talking about how to save Greenland or whatever, is embarrassed because she walked around. I mean, give me a, you know what I mean? This is why women stink. It's like, what are you doing there to begin with? It's a bunch of guys playing football. It's like, and then we're cool enough to let you in there and then everybody has to fucking adjust their

behavior because you're there. Wait, excuse me, excuse me, there's a lady present. You know what I mean? And you wonder why you get called a cunt. That's why. Right fucking there. It's just fucking unbelievable. I would never walk into a goddamn baby shower and be, excuse me, excuse me, there's a guy present. Can we put a fucking game on over here? I wouldn't. I'd be standing in the corner going, oh, Jesus, when is this shit going to be over? But I wouldn't at any point try to cock block what anybody was fucking talking about. Go ahead and talk about sex in the city. Talk about your favorite shoes or whatever the fuck it is you do. I wouldn't be covering my ears dying of embarrassment. If you all started talking about my package, I'd be flattered. This is some of the

more ignorant shit that I've said on this podcast, but I think there's a point behind this. Let's continue with the article. Goodell, she said, I'm dying of embarrassment. Saints tweeted in Spanish. Goodell immediately ordered an investigation into the troubling in air quotes allegations, which were addressed in a team meeting last night. This meeting is now called order last night when that smoking hot chick with the tight clothes came in and everybody said, goddamn, look at that fucking ass. Yeah, you're not allowed to do that anymore. Excuse me, coach. Yeah, yes, sir. Yeah, were you talking about that girl who came in in her titties way hanging out of her shirt? Yeah, that one. Yeah, that one. We, uh, disrespected her.

See, this is, this is the deal. All right. They come down. They want the fucking attention. You know, what, wait, what, what is she, what is she doing in the fucking locker room to begin with? You know, was she even in the locker room? Did I even say that? I can't remember. Didn't you see any given Sunday? You don't remember that movie? You're going to stand there and there's going to be some black dude with a dick down to the floor. I mean, why are you going in? I wouldn't go in there. If I went in there, they'd start giving me cat calls like I was that fresh fish guy in the beginning of Shawshank Redemption. And I'd be dying of embarrassment too, but I'd fucking take it and be like, ah, well, what, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?

You're a fucking pansy and you come walking into an NFL locker room. They're all going to give you shit. Say you're a pussy, right? I mean, what kind of a fucking world are we living in now when a gorgeous woman wearing tight, ridiculous clothes is going to walk into a fucking at a football practice and she's going to get upset that she got unwanted attention? Well, why don't you come there and dress like they did in the 1800s with one of them big hoop skirts so they can't see your fucking thighs? This chick is fucking ridiculous. Look, look at the New York, the daily news, and look at the little inset picture that they have of her. I'm sure they did it for a fucking reason. It's ridiculous. Look at that fucking ass. Look at that. That's the first thing I think. Look at

that fucking ass. Jesus Christ. And then she's holding a mic. Looks like a dick in her hand. Was she bobbing her head up and down as she asked the questions? This is like entrapment. Anyway, so let's fucking continue. We've had contact with the team multiple times and are moving very aggressively to establish the facts. The NFL Spokeman Greg Ahilo said, Jets owner Woody Johnson woke up from his coma and said, oh wait, that guy, no, no, that guy's actually young, called saints to hear a side of the story and said that the team will take any appropriate steps necessary to maintain a respectful environment for the media. Basically, this girl is now going to become a fucking millionaire off of this lawsuit because she walked to an NFL practice with her

misuniverse body with tight fucking clothes on. And somebody said, God damn, look at that fucking ass right there. Hey, Mark, what the fuck would you do with that? I fucking bend her over fucking table. And then fucking Rex Ryan. I can't even see him. My fucking stomach's so big, huh? Was that a good one, players? Do you guys like me? I talk just like you. I can't wait for them to fucking lose tonight. All right, let's get on to stuff that I want to, I want to bitch about this week. All right, I know a lot of you guys, you probably think on some level that I hate women. All right, and I got to be honest with you, you're fucking right. I don't like hate them individually, but as a group, they fucking annoy me because they're always complaining, bitch moaning, and all this fucking crap, unlike me who

just always brings the sunshine. This is the thing. Whenever it comes down to male-female relationships, what I've noticed on television is that if someone's going to be the douche, it's always the guy. If somebody's at fault, it's always the guy. If somebody's going to pay, it's always the guy except for the occasional Britney Spears. All right, who if I ever see, I'm buying her a fucking beer, poor girl with that bum ass husband, right? Backup dancers, sitting around the house, getting fat, sitting in sweatpants that she paid for. You know, she ever went over there and slapped the shit out of him, smashed him on his head with one of her bedazzled high heels, and I was on that jury. I would say not guilty. I would say not guilty.

I would say she's a fucking hero that she hasn't done it yet. Here's a story for you. These are the stories. I'm just going to put this out here because I'm really hoping that this is going to inspire somebody to start some sort of legislation or whatever the fuck you need to do to turn things around because in this country, there's a major problem. Women are organized and guys are not when it comes to this relationship shit. All right. Oh, you go right ahead and roll your eyes, ladies. I don't give a fuck. This isn't for you. All right. Here's a nice story. I'm going to read one of these every fucking week to fucking people realize what is going on. All right. What is not, not what is going on. What is also going on is every fucking three minutes. I got to watch the

story about some poor woman who got the living shit kicked out of her by some asshole guy. Right. And you watch enough of those stories and you start thinking, oh my God, women are always the victim. It's not so. Here's a nice story for you. A little story called who knew I was not the father. Do I even need to read it to you? You know where this is going. This happens all the fucking time, but they don't talk about it. You know, it's not considered a major fucking problem. It's because guys are not organized and we have to start bitch moaning and complaining the way women do. All right. Just mentally try and imagine what it's like to have a period and that's the mindset you need to get in to make change in this country. That's what I think. That's what I think is needed.

All right. Okay. Here we are. Boys and girls gather around. Who knew I was not the father? Take one. It was July in 2007 when Mike L asked the Pennsylvania courts to declare that he was no longer the father of his daughter. For four years, Mike had known that the girl he had rocked to sleep and dance with across the living room floor was not, as they say, his. The revelation from a DNA test was devastating and prompted him to leave his wife. Uh, but he had not renounced their child because he's a good shit because he realized that the kid, you know, it's not the kid's fault that her mom is a whore. You know, this guy's a stand-up guy, but he had not renounced their child. He continued to feel that in all the ways

that mattered, she was still his daughter and he faithfully paid her child support. This guy is a saint. If there's a God, this guy is going straight into heaven. Okay. He could have been bitter. He could have walked away. He didn't stood in. Right. So it was only when he learned that his ex-wife was about to marry the man who she said actually was the girl's biological father that might flipped supporting another's man's child suddenly became unbearable. Can you believe this woman? Why don't they show that? Why don't they, they're showing all these stories of guys beating women. What about a woman? Why don't they show when women do shit like this? You know, not only did she cheat on her husband, she fucked a dude raw.

Not only did she fuck the dude raw, she let him bust it in him. Not only did she have a fucking kid with them, she didn't say shit to her husband. So then this fucking guy, he has to find out. He's sitting there, you know, looking how he looks and his kid doesn't look anything like him. And she doesn't say shit. So one day it goes to Walgreens, gets a little DNA test, does a little swabby swab of her and then him sends it off to you gotta be shit me labs in fucking Colorado. Comes back, finds out it's not his kid. He's absolutely fucking devastated. His goddamn marriage is over and he's still a stand up guy. So now this fucking whore goes back with the guy that actually knocked her up. Now they're living together. Okay. Wouldn't you think, despite the

fact that she's a whore, that maybe she wouldn't be a cunt too? You know, it's unbelievable. Why not at that point just have the fucking real dad pay? And if for some reason the courts are making this guy go through the motions or write in the check, just take the check cash it and give it back to the guy. Why can't you do that? You know why? Because they can never have enough. Do you know how guys can never have enough pussy? Women can never have enough stuff. You ever notice that? Even if they have a one night stand, they still got to get a t-shirt, you know? They always got to get something. I don't know if I've said that before in this podcast, but it's fucking true. They always got to have stuff, you know? And they got this free

fucking money coming in. This bitch has got two, she's pimping these guys. She's got two guys, two guys working for her. God damn genius. Also a cunt, but she's a genius of a cunt. Okay. I mean, how dumb is that guy who actually knocked her up? How dumb is he to marry her? Who the fuck married somebody who was, who marries, who makes somebody their wife, who was already somebody else's wife and fucked around with you? You saw what she did. You think she's not going to get tired of you? You think she's not going to go somewhere else, get some more dick and a little more, you know, foreign spackle between the fucking gams? Unbelievable. So there you go. That's shit. And that's not misogynistic that I'm only reading these stories. What I'm doing

is I'm trying to balance out the bullshit that you see it on TV, the bullshit vibe that only guys cheat, guys are dogs, guys, guys, guys do all the fucking bullshit. It's okay. We are equal. Okay, we are equal. We are capable of doing wonderful things like this guy who did the right thing by this little girl. And we're also capable of doing horrific things. All right. Slapping the shit out of fucking women, sticking their heads in the glove box, trying to see if you can get it all the way closed. You know, we also do shit like that. And ladies, right, they can be absolute angels. And they can be a steaming pile of cunt like this woman. So there you go. That's my little fair and balanced reporting.

For this week, go fuck yourselves. I've done an I've done two hour two and a half hours of comedy tonight. My new special I'm taping this Saturday night at the Lincoln Theater in Washington, D.C. Let me tell you something, brother. I'm fucking bringing it on this one. All right. I am on a mission to outdo my last two fucking specials. Okay. And I don't care if you cunts don't think I did it. I think I'm going to do it. And you feel you