Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-17-18

Episode Date: December 18, 2018

Bill rambles about NFL titles, Fancy Nancy, and matching tattoos.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday. December 17th, 2017. Oh my God, only seven more days till the fucking baby Jesus comes down the chimney. There. Whatever the fucking story is, right? What was the story? Oh, come all ye beard guys into this fucking barn. Look at this little baby. She was never banged. Oh poor Joseph. What's going on everybody? How are you? How did you enjoy your weekend? Did you have a good one? My Patriots lost again. I think they're only going to win 10 or 11 games this year. Is it time to hit the panic button? What are you going to do? We had a great run. We had a great run. This is a trend. Normally, this type of play would not worry me. Because I remember when we lost Romeo Cremelle

and Charlie Weiss and we lost Ty Law and Loya Malloy and fucking Teddy Bruce. He retired and we lost all of those guys and we built it back up again. So you know, this time, what do we lose? Who'd we lose? We lost, you know, Matt Patricia left to go coach the fucking Lions, running back to wide receivers quarterback, left tackle, all of that shit. It adds up. One year, you know, two years, that's a lot of people to lose. But back in the day, you'd be like, all right, you know, all the draft picks they got for them, they're going to build this fucking thing back up again, right? Which they always did. And they continue to win. And people kept saying the Patriots had done and they kept proving them wrong. But now I mean, Tom is what 41 almost 42. Is that what it is? Or is he 40

almost 41? Yeah, it's like, do they have time for one more champion chip run for ring number six, unprecedented. By the way, I'm so fucking sick of every time they show the fucking Steelers, they're like, they got six Super Bowls more than anyone else. And they never bring up the Packers. The Packers have four and they have like 11 NFL titles that for whatever reason, they don't count NFL titles. I've been asking this question. I'm big on that. All right, I'm not saying the Steelers are one of the great franchises of the Super Bowl era. They are. But what kind of fucking league is around since the 1920s and 1930s and doesn't count championships until 1968? You know, as as I've stated before, the Montreal Canadians, they fucking counts championships when the Stanley Cup was

the size of a fucking shot glass. And you know, and they beat the fucking Montreal Maroons playing in pond hockey. The fucking Philadelphia Phillies, one of their World Series titles is from the fucking 1880s. I didn't think they had baseball gloves. I didn't know what they were using as a ball. You know, probably like a fucking human skull. It was so goddamn long ago. Those championships are all counted. I don't understand how nice are people in Wisconsin that they don't speak up and be like, Hey, not for nothing. Back when you could win NFL titles, the Pittsburgh Steelers were playing. So we basically been playing the same amount of time. And as far as I can tell, we're almost like 10 championships ahead of them. Why do they always get all the glory? I have no fucking idea. I just

don't understand why NFL titles don't count. Why don't I Google that? Why don't I look it up? By the way, congratulations to the Steelers. Jesus Christ, that win was a long time coming. Should have won it fucking last year when that guy caught the ball and scored a touchdown. And then they said he didn't. After further review, what you just saw didn't happen. Replay the down. All right. Here we go. Let's write this out here. Why? Starts with a W bill. Why doesn't the NFL count NFL champion chips? Bump, bump, bump, bump. Doodoo. Why do people ignore pre Super Bowl championships? Here we go. Or a team's dark ages. I don't know what dark ages has to do with any of this stuff. Okay, so this guy goes, I rarely post on here, but this always irks me. I'm a fan of the Packers, but I live in

the middle of Steelers country and I get this thrown in my face all the time at the Steelers have won six Super Bowls. I threw out the fact that the Packers have won 13 championships with four of them being Super Bowls. Yeah, so they have more than twice them. I get all the time saying, nope, they don't count. And this bothers the crap on me. Yeah, it absolutely does. You're basically saying that like all the champions that came before Super Bowl champions, they're not champions, even though they want a championship. As a person who is a history major and who loves the history of the sport, especially for some Steeler fans, that NFL history doesn't start at 1970. It actually stole the first two Super Bowls were called NFL title games, NFL AFL championship games or

something. And then later they were, they were renamed Super Bowl champions. Super Bowl one and Super Bowl two, I should say, but the first one that actually was called a Super Bowl as it was happening was Super Bowl three. Anyways, they ignore or the third AFL NFL title. James, we get it. Anyways, they ignore the fact that the Steelers were terrible until 1970, also known as the dark ages of the Steelers. I think they had actually terrible until about 72 or 73. So they had that incredible draft. I acknowledge both of the Packers dark ages, the 50s and post Lombardi and Holmgren. I know it's not all Steeler fans, but it still bothers the crap out of me. The question I ponder is in the title. All right. All right. So this guy writes, it's kind of funky since most

NBA fans will count championships before the 76 NBA, ABA merger. Oh, dude, you can go, you can go back further than that with a Los Angeles Lakers count like a fucking BAA championship as an NBA championship. It was the BAA and the NBL and those two things merged to form the NBA. And like the Minneapolis Lakers, I think, won the first like four NBA titles. But the year before that, they won a BAA championship. And for some reason, that is counted as an NBA championship. The Lakers won an NBA title before the NBA existed. Explain how that works. Anyways, this isn't going to be a good answer. I want to talk to somebody who fucking knows something. Green Bay is much more historical. I think if someone wants to argue that the league is totally different now, then the real

point of reference isn't 1970. It's 1994 and the salary cap was introduced. Yeah. Why don't you turn it into your fucking argument? Mass swarm of Lions, Browns and Eagles fans, but in all honestly, it's really frustrating, flat out interacting when they say the Eagles have never won anything. Yeah, that's bullshit. This is from four years ago. You can't cherry pick which championship titles count and which don't. The name of the trophy is arbitrary. It's not arbitrary at all. It has a very specific line in the sand and it's one that the league itself drew. Not France fans trying to hold down the Eagles and other teams. The NFL decided nothing presuper Bowl matters. Yeah, well, that's my question. Why cherry picking would be saying the Eagles or Packers presuper Bowl championships

count, but the Browns don't arbitrary would be saying the package Packers NFL championships count, but the Eagles don't just because the NFL only counting stats and championships since Super Bowl one may or may not be fair, but it's definitely not arbitrary or cherry picking. All right, that's all good points, but it doesn't explain why they decided not to decide it. Why people count? Why do people? Let's see. There's a bunch of articles on it. There's a bunch of articles. I these are all chat rooms. I'm not going to get anywhere with this. Next time I do one of these fucking. I don't know. Who would you ask? There's somebody that has got to be somebody that you ask because this fucking bullshit that they act like, you know, the fucking league is

like 70 goddamn years old and they're acting like the top of the heap is six measly fucking championships. It doesn't make sense at all. And then, you know, something if they actually counted NFL titles, I know the Giants won a couple too, and they got four Super Bowls. And the only thing that I'm basing this on is that the NBA, the NHL, and certainly major league baseball all go back to the 1920s and MLB goes back to like 1889. I don't know. It's weird. It's just a weird fucking thing that like the Patriots have only been good, you know, winning championships in 18 last 18 years. And we're one championship away. In 18 years, we somehow are only one championship away from being the most successful, tied for the most successful champ, NFL team of all time. That

makes no fucking sense. It makes no fucking sense, people. Anyways, I miss most of the Patriots Steelers game. I caught the first quarter, first half I basically caught and then, you know, I'm a dad now. So I had to go to a kid birthday party. And once again, every time I go to one of these parties, I am so feel so blessed that I had a daughter and not a son. Jesus Christ, they're fucking lunatics, lunatics. I was just I used to be like that. You go in there with your daughter and the first thing you're doing, you just fucking, you know, you become like the Dave Semenko and your kids like fucking Wayne Gretzky. Because you know, somebody's going to do something, you know, somebody's going to throw a ball, come flying off a slide. They're they're fucking lunatics. You

listen to the funniest thing I was watching this kid, he looked like a little Bobby Hurley. He was playing this game, you know, hitting the ball like using his like both his arms, like interacting his fingers, he'd be bounce the ball and then use his forearms like a bat and smash it against the wall. And then stop it with his hand and throw it back between his legs, you know, all point guard style. And he looked like a little Bobby Hurley. So I was getting a kick out of this kick on this kid, this kid's this kid's got he had it, you know what I mean? Like, he had like that competitive thing. And then at one point, he ran over to go pick up the ball. And there was like a couple of they almost like, you know, those those yoga blocks that help you if you're not stretchy

enough, they were like that, but they were more like cushions. And some of it had made a little seat out of them. And I had kind of been sitting there like, Oh, this is nice. Some parent did that because they didn't want to sit on the hard floor. And I was standing up when the kid came over and he picks up the ball and just sees like two blocks with a bigger block on top of it. And he just kicks it over. There was no reason to do it. You know, and I was really just looking at that thinking like, like, wow, is did I just see right there in that moment? Why? Why this war? Why why the world is so fucked up? Why we don't get along because we're like literally wired to just fucking destroy stuff. And I'll tell you something else with all these fucking people out there who

are trying to say that like gender gender roles are basically taught to kids. Yeah, from what I saw what I've seen at these kid birthday parties that is just not it's not even remotely the case. Boys are fucking lunatics. Anything they can pick up they're gonna throw anything they can just knock over and break they're going to do it. The girls are like sitting down like behaving themselves. I can't necessarily say sharing after a certain age. They're not really sharing. But they're definitely like their interactions with boys is just kind of like what the fuck was that? Like they just kind of just sitting there with a toy and a boy just runs up and rips it out of their hands. And you just see them looking at it like, like, you know, if you asked me for it,

you know, I would have given it to you, you know. So it's going to be interesting with all of these families out here that are trying to prove I might be wrong. But as far as me just sitting there, it's just boys are absolute fucking lunatics, lunatics. I'll tell you last year when we had my daughter's birthday party, they came over immediately, picking up gravel in the yard, throwing it down on throwing it at fucking cars, climbing up on shit, every two seconds, hey, get down from there, get down from there. You know, girls would just go into like the doll house or pick up a toy and they would just sit there and play with it. Beyond, beyond more mature than the boys, the boys, I swear to God, it's like, it's like, I can't say puppies, they're like,

do you know after a dog is just after it's a dog and it knows how to run, they're like that age, you know, where they're going to go get sprayed by a skunk. Yeah, fucking hilarious. But we had a great time and they had like, like, we went out to this place of good friends of ours. And it was at one of those parties that wasn't at their house, it was like a destination. So there was one room that had all these games. And after you're done with that game, then you go into another place with a bunch of other games. And then in the end, you know, all the kids get food, you know, and they're sitting there eating pizza and shit. And all of a sudden, the cakes coming in, you know, you know, just the meltdowns are coming,

everybody's like going, all right, all right, trying to time it. They had the cake, we sang happy birthday. They're starting to wine. I feel like if we leave now, the meltdowns only going to happen like halfway on the way back. But fortunately, my daughter loves music. So whenever we drive home, whenever she starts like flipping out, me and Nia just start singing to her, you know, you just start going, oh, do you see bit see spider? We'll say, what's the other one? The wheels on the bus go round and round that one she likes. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who's calling already? It's it's early in the morning people. Who could this be? Who could this pause? Oh, fuck, I gotta take this. Hang on. Hello. I'm back. I just said

hello, like I just clicked back to you guys. Um, yeah, anyways, we just sing all these frigging songs. And then she wants to sing along with us in themes or shows. You know, pop, pop, pop, puppy dog. She loves that shit. I'll tell you the show I've been talking about it. I just don't fucking like it. I just don't like that fancy Nancy. I just don't like her. Every show she's like being a douche and self-involved and like totally shallow. And then she allegedly learns a lesson. And then the next show she's just a jerk again. There's like no growth whatsoever in this person. You know what I mean? I mean, Vampirino always wants to go back to Transylvania, but she's not hurting anybody. She just gets a

little bummed out every once in a while that the other kids aren't blue like her, right? But fucking fancy Nancy, this little ginger broad over there. Dude, she's hanging out with a girlfriend, right? And they're sitting there. They're going to do a fucking dance. And she's like, I'm going to be the son and you'll be a, I'm going to be a rainbow. You'll be the son. And her friend's like, I want to be a peacock. She goes, yeah, but yeah, you can't cause rainbow and a peacock doesn't make any sense. It's got to be the son of the rainbow. And she goes, well, I want to be a peacock. And she's like, look bitch, you're going to be a, you're going to be a fucking son, right? Didn't say that, but that's the subtext.

So then they have this big fucking falling out. You know, cause she's being a cunt again, like she has every fucking episode. Every episode she's into like, like, what's the fanciest stuff coming up with a clubhouse that's just her and exclusively her own. You know, I swear to God, dude, God, I'll tell you this right now, in the animated world, God bless the animated man that marries her someday. Fucking lunatic, fucking, that's going to be one of those fucking chicks, right? You just buy him everything under every designer, keeping up with the Kardashian, fucking love bracelet you can possibly do. And then in the fucking end,

when she's leaving you and you're sitting there going, but I bought you all this stuff, she'll be like, I never wanted that. I just wanted a connection. I swear to God, there's going to be a first 48 with an adult fucking fancy Nancy. If she doesn't get a rack together, she is, she's going to drive somebody to do something crazy because she doesn't learn any fucking lessons and she's really shallow. You know, she's a little sociopath. I just, I just don't like, so in the end, she does some fucking dance to apologize to a friend. And once again, her friend's going to be friends with her again, rather than just being like, Hey, you know something? I've been on this ride before, you little red cunt. I'm not fucking

doing this again. It's like literally teaching somebody how to stay in a dysfunctional relationship every fucking episode, at least the ones I'm paying attention to. I just don't like it. You know, I don't be that person just sitting there saying, Hey, don't have your kid watch that. But like, you know, I don't put my foot down too much as a parent with my wife. Well, who's kidding who I put it down, but it's not listened to because it's the dad foot and nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit about the dad. It's all about the mom foot. The mom says it ain't happening anymore. It ain't happening anymore. The dad says that people just, they just yes him to death. And then the next day it's like,

why is she watching? Why is she watching carrot top here again? Huh? Why is she watching this stuff? Bill, it's fine. It's just a cartoon. It's just, it's just what you wanted. It's just what you wanted. I don't like that show. Um, anyways, puppy dog pals. That's where it's at. Okay. There are a couple of pals. They're trying to help out somebody in the, you know what I mean? And you know something? And yeah, Bob goes through a lot of little problems, but he's, he's not hurting anybody. Salt to the earth guy. You know, probably could do some squats, you know, his shoulders a little too broad for his little skinny legs. I don't, I don't know what's going on there, but other than that, I don't have a problem with it.

You know, so anyways, plowing ahead, I watched Liverpool versus Man United. I did watch that game. I saw a little bit of the dolphins Vikings. Um, how about the Browns? How about the fucking Cleveland Browns? Got a chance to make the playoffs. This is really going to be a fun year. If my Patriots are not going to win it this year, okay, which looking like they're not, I just hope they lose the fucking first round just so I can enjoy all these other goddamn teams that are going to be in it. It's going to be, uh, it's really going to be exciting. And all of a sudden, you know, the Rams have lost a couple. They're showing that they're not invincible. The fucking charges are coming on. You know, there's a fucking chance someone was saying to me yesterday

that that that they could actually be the NFC and AFC championship games could both be played in Los Angeles. I don't know about that. Could the Chargers get home field advantage? I don't know if they could do that mathematically at this point. Uh, but I apologize. I'm usually better. I'm better up on the sports, but, uh, I just, you know, I got the kid now. So, you know, it's only a kid wants something has to give and it's not going to be her. So, um, I did watch Liverpool versus Man United. Liverpool scored the first goal and was really carrying the play. And then all of a sudden Man United just really had possession of the ball, um, in Liverpool's and, and, uh, kind of seemed like basketball where it's like, you know, it's a game of runs, you know,

and, uh, at one point I said something where I was just like, we got to get the fucking ball back. I said we, and I was like, ah, shit. Is this something else I care about? I don't totally care about it, but I do find it interesting, um, to watch and I'm actually starting to get into the game. And I remember back in the day when I would hear the crowd applaud when no goal was scored, but they were just applauding the pressure you were putting on. I started like without thinking about it, doing that yesterday. I was like, ah, fuck. Here we go again. I'm going to start giving a shit about something else. Um, anyways, but I'm actually going to go on, I should go online now and see if Liverpool has a fucking game. I know I'm going to be out there at some point. That would

be sick. If I went out there and now I'm not going to sing, you're never going to be alone or whatever the fuck they sing. Being some douche, you watch three games and all of a sudden we're going to go buy a scarf and stand there like I fucking bled their colors. I'm not doing that. I'm just a fucking, let's see here, just a fucking newbie fan here. All right. What do we got? Billbird.com. Oh, by the way, did I mention I'm going to be in Europe January 4th through, where are we? January 4th through the 13th. Um, all right, Liverpool, I'm there on the 26th. Now here's the interesting thing. That's the first, that is the first date on that tour, which means if they have a fucking game on the 25th at home, there's a chance there is a chance I could actually go to that fucking game

or Liverpool fucking schedule. All right. What do we got here? Come on. Come on. One fucking time. Workout for me. 119, 214, 227. It looks like it's an away game. All right. Who the fuck did they just play? Yeah, they just played Man United, right? Oh, wait. No, they got a home game. 12 p.m. The day of my show. The fuck out of here. I'm going. Liverpool versus Watford. I'm going to fucking go. They got one versus Man United. Oh, they're at in Manchester on the 24th. All right. Don't get greedy, Bill. Don't get greedy. You know what I mean? Don't get greedy. I'm going to see if I can go to that one on the 27th. It says 12 p.m. though. Wait,

but it's probably going to be at night. I'm thinking 12 p.m. Liverpool time, but it's not going to be, is it? It's going to be my time. They're eight hours ahead. That doesn't make any fucking sense. The game's at 10 at night. Maybe that's an East Coast time. Then it's at seven. I don't know. That would be at five. I don't fucking know. I'll figure something out. Jesus Christ. This is going to be nobody in my fucking show. We would have loved to have gone, Bill. All right. No booze, everybody. Oh, both freckles came close. He fucking came close a couple of times. He's 22 days in. Can he make the entire month? I'm right there, man. I'm right fucking there. If I just make it through Christmas Day, I'll have gone 31 days and I'll have my own sober

October from November 21st through December 25th. That'll be, yeah, that's six days, right? 25 and six is 31. It's the longest goddamn month you can have. I'll tell you, it's going pretty good. It's going pretty good. I went swimming at night and I really look at the bottles and I was like, do I really want to start doing that again? I don't want to fucking do that. I got to stay in shape. I'm going to be taping a special next year, right? I got to stay in fucking shape. All right, let's let's read only a couple of fucking ad reads this week. Okay. Ah, but do me on these me on these the Patriots fucking lose. Do me on these me on these. Don't turn to the fucking booze. They had a great run. Brady is old, but he's not the fault. That's what I'm told. It's the other

cons not doing their job. He's still throwing for 300 yards a game. Even though he's 41 years old, Tom Brady is still the shit. He's the human version of me on these. All right. Me on these uses the coveted micro modal, modal fabric, which is three times softer than cotton. If you never felt this fabric, get ready to experience pure bliss in underwear form. You can also get a style that is perfectly suited for you or that special someone. Seriously, these fun undies would be a great stockings, but why stop at undies? Me on these has cozy lounge pants and onesies in that same super soft fabric, perfect for wearing Christmas morning. Me on these has a great offer for my listeners for any first time

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I made three different batches where I just all from the same batch. I did three different cooks of them. I only had like one cookie sheet. And I had to like, you know, my recipe called for only half a tablespoon of a of a dollop. And I was like, that seems really small. I didn't get how much they spread out. It's like reverse bacon, we're baking like all shrivels up like the cookie dough spreads out. So my first one that I made it like the whole sheet looked like a giant cookie. And I was like, All right, that's not the way to do it. And then the next one will like medium size. And then I kind of had like the smaller ones, but they were damn good. And I use my little kitchen aid thing, you know, second pair of hands, not free advertising. I just love that fucking thing.

I love when that thing's turned in and I'm over in the counter doing something else. But I learned from the expert, my mother, she told me, you know, she's like, Well, how did you do it? You know, I'm like, Well, you know, I put them in the kitchen now. She's like, you got to fold the flour in. You can't use that. You can't use the kitchen aid thing you want to fold it in. She's trying to say because it you get some air in there. I don't know somebody else is saying it has to do with gluten. I have no idea because my cookies seemed a little bit runny, yet crispy. And every oven is the diff is different. So I use the classic our version, my family's version of the classic Toll House recipe in chocolate chip cookies were invented by a couple of ladies in Massachusetts

at this place, this like Toll House Tavern or something like that. And they would use like a semi sweet chocolate chip. And that's what I always use. But I got, you know, my wife told me that she likes milk chocolate. So I said, fine, so I put the milk chocolate ones in there. And everybody said they didn't say they were good. They were like, This is the best goddamn chocolate chip cookie I ever tasted. So maybe I'll do a cooking video on that shit, but I can't give away my family recipe. So I don't know how to fucking do it. And having said that, I fired up my big green egg for the first time in a long time. And I had these two fucking rib eyes with like literally the fucking the rib bones sticking out, you could have fucking brain somebody with it when they were

frozen. And I got impatient with my green egg, I was told 250 with indirect heat, it went up to like 310. So I was like, All right, I'll leave it in there for like 4045 minutes instead of doing the full hour. And I then I reversed seared it when I was on the stove. I should only done that for a minute and ended up being under salted and overcooked two beautiful pieces of meat. And I fucked it up. I just really fucking it just it made me sick because those things were my freezer for a while. But I still ate it. And I will not waste it. I'm going to eat I'm going to remember next time to be more patient. That's the biggest thing with the big green egg. You got to be fucking patient. And I'm just not because that thing is the shit. It will just stay at the

temperature you want. I just you know, it was getting late. We were coming back from the party. I just wanted to put them on here that you know, when you put it on and ended up fucking them up. So anyways, you know, I think Alanis Morissette said it best when she said, what did she say something about it being ironic? No, she said you live you learn you something you learn. Why didn't she ever have a really good follow up to that, that jagged little pills because she got it all out. It's almost like she should have saved some of the anger for like the next album. You know, like you ever like when you're watching a baseball playoff and your team scores 11 runs, you know, wins like 11 to and as they're scoring like runs number eight, nine, 10, there's

always some baseball fan be like, save it for tomorrow night. Why you scored all of them now? Maybe she should have done that. I don't know, baby, Bill, maybe you ought to put out a hit fucking album before you criticize somebody else's fucking one of the albums of the decade, right, jagged little pill. I fucking ripped your balls off your scrotum there. Whatever the fucking I don't know how it goes. I don't even know the anatomy. Aren't your balls in your scrotum the same thing? I have no idea. You know what I mean? That's like it's a snare drum, but the things underneath it are called the snares. It's very confusing. You know, can you imagine the guy if you wrote a fucking song like that?

I remember every breath you take, they will like this song. It's this guy's a stalker. She puts out a song like sounding like a flex. She's looking in the guy's fucking house, terrifying fucking song. And of course, when women do it, oh, isn't she strong and brave? I poisoned your morning tea. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Guess what I'm doing today at 12 noon. I'm going to go fly a helicopter there. I flew Saturday for the first time since the end of October. And I had the best fucking time flew great pickups and set downs were fucking as great as they've ever been. And I had taken a lot of time off dare I say I'm getting fucking good at it. I landed

on top of a building which I've never done before. It's fucking awesome, man. I felt like I was in some like fucking copper procedural show. You know, where is the patient? Oh, he's coming in now. You know, the beginning is to play in the opening credit. Boom. Fucking freckled pilot, right? And on a building. He's almost fucking see through. It was always really intimidating because I felt like it would always be like really windy

and stuff like that. But I'm sure it could have been but it was kind of perfect conditions came in. There was plenty of room. There wasn't anything sticking up. I always felt like when you would go there was just sort of like you know, I've had to land those things on. I don't even know what you call them. It's like rather than just setting it down on the ground, there's like a little square helipad that you land that's actually sitting on the ground. And you have to be way more accurate. Then you start getting in your head, you stir in the pot, you get a little wind, what the fuck's going on? And then the instructor has to come on the controls with you. And then your friends in the back don't respect you as much. You know,

it's one of those deals. Speaking of friends in the back, I'm going to be flying with my instructor and and Joe Rogan's coming along. I've been trying to figure out some time when we could actually do that. We finally have a little bit of time on our schedules going to fly with him. And then on Wednesday, I'm going to be doing the Joe Rogan experience podcast and we'll be talking about the flight. Maybe have some video hopefully or whatever. It's going to be a great time. So please tune into that. And I will be promoting season three of F is for family. And of course, the, the Patrice O'Neill standup comedy benefit, which is happening February 19, 2019, trying to get last rid of the last couple hundred tickets on Joe's podcast. All right, with that, I've already read the

the advertising. Let's let's read a little bit of the questions here. Let's read some of the questions. I got to get back to the fucking gym. And I've been being missed a mom, you know, now that I've been off the road, you know, because I, you know, want to be with my kid. And every morning I just, you know, there's always a reason, you know, not to go to the gym where I'm just like, or I could sit here and read or a book, you know, or we could go to the playground or I could take it for a walk, you know, or I could watch a driver, a little electric car around. And then O Clio Dio is in town. My trainer who now owns the dog, you know, whenever he comes into town, he brings her and it was awesome going on a couple of hikes with her and stuff. I fucking love that

dog, but she looks great if anybody's concerned and she has a dog friend now, which I didn't have the skill set to make her comfortable around another dog. So she's like, she's living her best life. So she really is like an amazing story where she was abandoned, you know, by the LA River. She had all these issues. My one of my wife's friends found her. My wife took her in. We kept her for eight years. She lived in the lap of luxury. It got too crazy. You know, she bit one of my friends, you know, all of this stuff usually ends with a pit bull getting put down and this dog just keeps going to an even better situation. And now it has like, you know, it's the dog is like 10 years old now. So I mean, it's in, you know, probably the final four or five years of its life

and it's going to live, you know, now has a best friend, you know, to hang out with. It's really awesome. It's really awesome. And I still get to see her once every couple of months. And you know, so I'm happy because I felt like when I got that dog, I felt like a responsibility like this thing is, is going to live a full life. It's not going to get put down. I didn't anticipate that I'd have to, you know, give her away to somebody else, but I made sure that when I did, she had a good home. So I feel like I did the right thing. You know, all right. Anyways, that's my little, aren't I a great guy, you know, talking about myself very Instagram influenced Bosnia show. Come to Bosnia. You lying ginger. Fuck. Well, I thought I was going there. You're

fucking douche. I'm, I'm fucked. You can't jump on a fucking train. Let me know. I'm going to find out how long that these fucking assholes over there. I'm literally going to Estonia and Latvia. Like how much more do I have to fucking do for you guys? Come to Bosnia. All right. What was Bosnia? Let's find out. Isn't it just southeast of, of, of, of Prague? It's not that far. Is it? Isn't it just like a fucking train right away? Let's see here. Let's see how close. I mean, I'm only flying from the other side of the globe. You can't get on a plane for a couple of fucking hours. All right. So there's Bosnia. All right. That's Jesus. That's, that's a hell of a fucking ride. My fault. Where else am I going

to be? I'm going to be in Vienna. All right. Let's let me see something. Bosnia to Vienna. Travel. I'll just say distance, right? I'm the worst with Google and shit. Bosnia to Vienna distance. Eight hours and 32 minutes. Holy shit. That's a fucking drive. All right. My fault. I'm starting to understand your argument. Plane ride. Let's see how long this is. It's an hour and 15 minutes by plane. Jesus Christ. Like how much can that cost? That's like flying from here to Vegas. You jump on southwest for like 80 bucks.

All right. Good Lord. I apologize. Next time, sir, or ma'am, or, or, or transgendered person, whatever the fuck you are, I will try and get to Bosnia. All right. I thought I was going there. You lion ginger fuck. Isn't it weird somebody from that part of the world to be judging somebody? Um, I'll try to get my ass down there. All right. And now here comes all the, all this shit about Europe. Now I've been getting all this advice on places to go, things to do, and the problem is I'm not really going to have a lot of time. All right. Tip about Poland. Dear Mr. Bill, I'm very excited about your Europe tour. So am I. I'm very excited to go to Poland. I'm Polish, but for now I'm living and working in Sweden.

So I hope to get the ticket for one of your standups in Stockholm or in Oslo. One tip about Poland. Uh, use it how you want. In one of your late night shows visit, you called Poland an Eastern European country and that you were excited about visiting there. Happy to hear that. But while we Polish hate the term Eastern European for a few reasons, I imagine one of them is going to be the Russians. First is that if you look at the map of Europe geographically, we're not on the East. Well, then explain to me why the Detroit Red Wings was so fucking long, you know, we're in the East weren't they? Or they're still on East Coast time. Anyways, so it's the same like Nebraska is on the East Coast. I'd say more like Michigan.

And second reason political is that this term comes from times when we were under the Soviet Union. Yes, we fight back, uh, got our independence. We fought back out our independence. We are happy and proud about that. I'm sure that you never mean to offend us. Also, we are not hypersensitive pussies. Now Polish people seem fucking cool. I wish you a great time during the European tour, kick-ass performance and lots of positive energy. So as always, go fuck yourself. Mike, guy named Mike from Poland. Anyways, all right. Point taken. Point fucking taken. Jesus Christ. Well, let me let me look at the fucking map of Europe here. All right. Europe map. Come on, type it correctly. Wikifucking pedia. Why? Why would it go to fucking Wikifucking

Cunty pedia? I fucking hate, I love Wikipedia, but Jesus fucking Christ. Why does it always go to fucking Wikipedia? I don't, I don't get it. Just don't fucking get it. All right, let's see here. I don't know about this. I don't know. You're slightly fucking East. Oh, I see. Cause that much of Russia. Wait a minute. Why don't I look up Eastern Eastern Europe map? Let's see what we got here. Oh, I got news for you, buddy. I just looked up Eastern Europe maps and you're fucking right in

there. Eastern Europe is Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Hungary, Croatia. They don't have Austria in there. Yeah, this might be because these are the, these are the countries that Russia was, uh, had control of. Yeah, maybe that is what it is. Let's see a more. Okay. Eastern European map. How about 2019? How about you let me fucking click on it? Jesus Christ. 2019. Boom. I gotta be honest with you, dude, they're still fucking, they're still got you included in this. Yeah, they got you in it. Listen, send me the fucking whatever fucking map you're looking at. Cause I don't know what it is.

All right. You know something I give up. I give up. Bill, why don't you listen to the guy that fucking lives over there? Am I really doing that? Oh, I think guy who actually lived in Poland. Uh, this is me from Los Angeles. I think you're wrong about where you live. Mike, was I really just doing that for the last five minutes? I apologize. I told you where you live. Um, Rose Bowl, everybody. Hey, Billy Rose balls. First of all, a big fan of all your work. Thank you. I was at your Seattle show and you and Dean Delray were hilarious. Thank you. Anyways, my school is in the Rose Bowl this year and since you're such a veteran, I was wondering if you had any advice for a first timer. I have the basic tailgating stuff like a grill, beer and a cooler. Should I

bring anything special? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Alex, uh, Alex, uh, bring a chair, bring some lawn chairs, someplace to sit down. Um, depending if you want to hang afterwards and let all the traffic leave, I would bring some firewood that you can put into your little hibachi and start a little fire and stay warm. Um, what are things that people forget? Uh, don't forget plates. Don't forget napkins. Bring a trash bag to put all your shit in. Um, condiments, utensils, a table. You don't want to be sitting there having everything in your fucking lap. Uh, what else? Charcoal. Uh, I bring those little squares that make it easy to light the, if you get in the, uh, the wood burning sort of whatever the fucking that natural

wood charred crap. If you're going to do that, unless you, unless you have the match light stuff, um, a lighter, uh, beer bottle opener, um, butter for the buns, buns. It's just everything. I just go over and over and over, uh, red solo cups, booze, a hat, a jacket for when it gets cold, when you get your tickets, try to stay on the side with the, uh, with the press box on it. That way you're not staring into the sun for half the fucking game. Um, oh, and before you leave, even when you go to take a piss, when you're tailgating, find where you are because you're on a golf course. It's all going to look the same. The stadium is round, especially at night. There's no focal point that you're going to be able to find and you will walk around lost. All right.

There'll be these little balloons. They're finally lighting them up for years. They did not light them up. It's literally one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. I don't know how high up it goes, but just make sure you remember where you are. Um, pace yourself depending on what time you're going to go. Bring a cigar. If you're a cigar person, bring a lighter, bring a cutter, all of that shit you think you're going to, you're going to forget. Um, all right. So good luck to you. All right. Daughter, MMA. Hey, Billy, red nose. Billy, the red nose, pubi. I am a 33 year old lady. And I'm also a second degree black belt in Gojiru, Gojiru karate. I've done martial arts for the last eight years that I have also dabbled

in other styles and learned a lot of things from many different instructors. That's awesome. The reason I am writing to you is because I listened to you on Conan. Conan needs a friend podcast and you've mentioned you wanted your daughter to learn MMA or something, but your wife might not be thrilled about the idea. I was hoping you could tell her that as a small woman, I'm only five feet, that knowing something to protect myself makes me feel better being outside or in crowds. I think of it as having insurance. Uh, you hope you never need it, but it's nice to have. Yeah, absolutely. I think all women should know how to do this shit and they should learn it without it being broadcast out there that they're learning it because then the perverts will then start taking

classes and try and roll around the mat with you. Not only they'll have a defense against whatever you do, you should spring the shit on them. Not only will you fucking be able to defend yourself, you'll actually be able to catch the fucking douche that's doing it and they can lock them up in a perfect world. All right. There are instructors who are very caring uh, and our fathers themselves, they will give your daughter tips and extra advice on how to face men since generally speaking, men are stronger. I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with sending your daughter to dancing school. Sometimes that can help with your art. Uh, my friend at the dojo also did ballet, but she said it helped with her

footwork. I have a daughter that's three years old and when she's a little older, I will be enrolling her at my school, which my husband and also our son attends daily. Being a martial artist, wouldn't make your daughter unfeminine. Uh, wouldn't you rather she be a little femme fatale? You're preaching to the choir here. Exactly. Does any questions I'd love to answer and we'll write back, marry Christmas and go fuck yourself. Yeah. Thank you. I'm gonna, I gotta read that to my wife and she'll be like, I never said that she can back and dad. It's like, yeah, you did. You did on some level or at least that's the way I heard. That's the way I heard it. Um, anyways, I've been doing well with my anger. Everybody been doing well with it. Like I immediately

now I, when I flip out, I start to apologize as I'm doing it and say that I'm being a baby and there has to be a more mature way to settle this. And I swear to God, if you're an angry guy out there, I cannot tell you what that means to the woman in your life. They like, they, they become the person they were when, when you met them. You know, a lot of times when your wife or girlfriend changes, it's because you're changing and they're reacting to what you're doing. You know what I mean? Not to give women a hundred percent of fucking past before all the women listened to this guy looking at their fucking boyfriend or husband. One thing women love to do is fucking rubbing it. They can't

just be right. Then they gotta see, look at it, fucking push your face right down on the paper where it says they're right. Um, so, uh, yeah, that's going to be my thing. And I'm going to, uh, I think I might go back to therapy next year, just specifically to talk about my anger and, and get this thing sorted out. And, uh, you know, and I keep threatening that I might start going to Sunday church again regularly, even though I don't believe in any of it. I like it just as a way to reset and just kind of sit and think as I block out all the bullshit that's being said to me, just sit there and think it'd be like, what's important? What do I need to do? You know, get your shit together. You know, don't be a dick. Um, life is flying by. All right. Friend wants to get

matching tattoos. Oh geez. All right. Hey, Billy Burnips. Uh, so I've known this girl for going on five years now. We both still remember the night we met and it developed a close intimate relationship sense. Oh boy. We were together officially earlier this year, then broke up and it was during this time she got a tattoo to symbolize the loss she felt after our breakup. We've since started talking again and we went to a, we went out to a concert together in San Francisco and fell in love all over again. Well, since we've returned, she asked me how I'd feel about getting a tattoo matching hers. Yeah, no. Yeah, don't do that. Uh, we're not officially back together, but I think that meaning behind this tattoo is deeper than that. I feel like I'm connected to this girl regardless

if I'm with her or not. So I wouldn't regret it even if I didn't talk to her ever again. I'm leading towards yes, as obviously I really liked this girl, but I need an outsider's perspective. It'd be my first and probably only tattoo and it's not, and it's nothing ridiculous. Just a word on the forearm, no name or anything like that. She's beautiful and we get along like best friends as well as lovers. What do you think? Uh, yeah, dude, I, you don't get a matching tattoo with a woman ever. And maybe if you're 25 years into being married and the kids have all moved out of the house, you don't do that. Don't, don't fucking do that. Okay. Because you've already broken up. It seems like a very volatile emotional relationship. You know, you're my soulmate. I love

you. Fuck you. We're breaking it up. I got a tattoo. Uh, it's talking about how sad it was when we broke up and now we're getting back together and now we need to get matching tattoos. I mean, this is, it's, I went when the, when the emotions level off a little. Okay. And you're in the grind of a relationship and you guys don't run from that and can actually hang. There's no fucking reason to do that because if you end up fucking breaking up, which who's kidding who that sounds like there's a 50 50 chance you will. Now you got this fucking tattoo on your arm and then you're going to get with your next person, you know, the person you end up, maybe the person you end up being with and she's going to be like, what's that? And he, oh, this is this tattoo that I got

from a past relationship that another woman also is walking around with. And she's, can you think, if you fucking think that that's going to stay there, the only reason why I would say to do it is cause there's still that laser fucking surgery. Dude, don't get like regret or missing you or butterfly, whatever the fuck my butterfly, whatever the fuck she has in her arm. All right, she fucked up. She did that. You didn't. So, you know, this is, you know, this is a good like lock the door test in the relationship to be like, yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't have any tattoos. I'm not a tattoo guy. I respect the fact that you did that. I respect what that means. And what that means on your arm is in my heart. I don't need to draw it on my arm. And if that is a

deal breaker and you're going to break up with me, then that's fucking great. I didn't do it. Okay. Don't do it. You hear me, sir? Do not. You know, let me ask you this. If you got the tattoo and she didn't do it, would you break up with her? The answer is fucking no. Then why the fuck should that be a deal breaker the other way around? If the answer is yes, then you're fucking crazy. And I hope she's crazy too. And you have a positive kid too negative to make a positive. I don't, I don't know what the fuck. I just wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. All right. I thought many times in my younger time, life of getting a tattoo and I never did. And I'm so glad I didn't now because I feel like

not having a tattoo is like rebellious or not even rebellious. It's unique. Especially now, you know, I saw the first fucking person that wasn't like a pop star walking down the street with like a fucking face tattoo and they were coming across the street. I was like, what in the fuck is that? Like, I didn't know, like, I couldn't tell why the person just looked different until they got up close and it's like, Oh my God. Oh my God. They drew on their face. You drew on my face. Do destroys airport ticket machine. Oh, please tell me this is true. That literally made my entire body just relax. Hey, hey, hey, Billy, ginger nuts, a lot of stuff about my privates this week, everybody, you know,

there's a lot of other things you can make fun of. You might like this one massive Korean man destroys all the airport auto ticket machines because his one ain't working. You know something? You know something? I kind of like this until he had to wreck everybody else's. I spent a fair bit of time at this airport and the dudes with the machine guns always seem to be right next to me. Anyway, if you get some time out of your fancy celebrity interview podcast, I knew I was going to get a shit for that and want to see a normal a normal slash insane cunt loses shit. Check it out. Thanks for the company. It's been great for the last five years is so best regards to you and yours and go fuck yourself. All right, I got a click on this.

Yeah, go to page. Oh my God. How did I miss out on this? I haven't been on my Twitter account for a couple days. So maybe people sent me this. Oh, here we go. Come on. This is all written in Korean. I love it. This seems like the real deal. Here we go. Oh, don't do this to me. All right, he's smashing his luggage on this thing. People are looking at him. Just staring at him. He's taking his carry on. He just tipped it over. He tipped two of them over. Where is the security? Now he just sort of pushed a woman. Wow. Oh, and now he's going after another one.

I love this guy. Oh my God. Okay, there goes number four. Dude, this is like the NFL combined ago in psycho. Like this guy just put up insane numbers. He's first round draft pick. He does have a sense of entitlement though. Somehow he's standing there with his hand on his hip with his suit. Where is the security? Wow. All right. I really fucking enjoyed that. Go to advertisements. So where can I buy this suitcase? Very durable. He's a comment.

This is the English comment you are looking for, because they're all in Korean. Yeah, he probably he got a vision of what will happen in the future. He saw the plane crushed, so he tried to stop everyone on board to board it being positive. Those of you who are wondering, this is what happened. A businessman named Oh Daisu is arrested for drunkenness, missing his daughter's fourth birthday, and his friend Ju Hwan picks him up from the police station. They go to the phone booth, calls home. Okay, this is just bull. This is just all bullshit. Oh my God. I hate how everybody's

trying to just make a funny comment. How come nobody's saying like, Oh my God, this is fucking great. Yo, if this was in the States, he would have got chopped in the mother fucking throat after the first kiosk went down. Korea, you got to work on your anger management issues. There are better telling people this. There are better ways. This period is period, not period. Okay, period, shut the fuck up. Kind of a fucking asshole uses that to give a lecture. Anyways, Oh, just got a message on Facebook's call me I lost all my contacts there. Oh, how do I know this is from my friend? You never know. Anyways, this is the this is the Monday morning podcast

everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great couple of days. I'll check in on you on Thursday. And don't forget to get your stockings.