Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-18-17

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Bill rambles about Steelers/Pats, advertising, and being married to an older man.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. December 18th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? How are you? Hey, look at you over there. You look good. You look good. A lot of people probably think I'm in a great mood with that Patriots victory yesterday, which is actually today because I'm recording at night, but I just, what can they fix that fucking rule? Okay. That's it. It's a catch. You caught the fucking ball. You ran with the ball. You stick it over the goal line to fucking touchdown. Des Bryant a few years ago, fucking touchdown. The week before that, whoever the fucking Cowboys played, was it the Lions? They should have won that game.

I don't fucking get it. I don't understand how that rule is supposed to make it less confusing. Nobody even touched the guy. He had control of the ball. The ground can't cause a fumble, but it can cause an incomplete pass. It can break up a pass. Only if you're a receiver do you get fucked over by the ground. But if you're running back, you're in the clear. Is that how it works? They make a football move. I'll tell you, that's going to be the last one. They're going to have to adjust it. That rule during the off season, they have to fix it because that was for home field advantage throughout the playoffs. That was fucking huge. It's a fucking amazing game. Amazing fucking game. I think we both can agree on that on both sides. By the way,

Cunty asked fucking Steeler fans, remember I'm saying this shit for when the pendulum swings your fucking way. I hate those sports fans where if there's a bullshit call and it goes your way, that's like that 50-year-old guy banging an 18-year-old going, what? It's legal. You know, there's no scumbaggery going on there. Yeah, that whole fucking thing was just like, I'm trying to remember what happened at the end of the game. The game starts off great. I know I'm going to say the guy's fucking name wrong. I've been too busy, but seeing Ryan Shazir at the game, that was great to see. He looked like he was in great spirits. I don't know if you guys know this, but paralysis is a major fucking phobia.

When people go, I don't want to be burned to death. My thing is just laying there, not being able to move. I don't know. That just seems like the worst, I don't know, worse than fucking death. To see that that guy's getting feeling in his legs and that type of stuff was, I don't know, some weird selfish way. It was like a relief to me. I probably should have thought of him first, but I'm a selfish cunt living in Hollywood. That's why the good Lord's burning it down. Let this even me. You know what it was? I actually felt great for the guy, but I grew up in such a fucked up part of the world that actually me saying something nice about him, I got weirded out, so then I had to be a dick throughout all of that. Anyways,

what I'm trying to say is, I'm really happy that that guy looks like he's going to be okay. That's what I was trying to say. It starts off with that. Then it's going to be another classic Patriot-Stealer battle, which it was. We missed an extra point. Is that going to come back to haunt us? There's no way this game could go into overtime. That's what I'm thinking. Then all of a sudden, dude, the Steelers had the fucking game won. Who's kidding? Who? Then the last two possessions before we went with the go ahead score, they kind of fucking played a little alligator arm ball, which allowed us to get back in it. Then Brady threw an interception, but the guy dropped it. Sorry. The guy drops the ball. This is what I can remember. The dude dropped the

fucking ball. That was the end of the game. Then Tony Romo goes, you don't want to get a second chance. Basically, what I was saying, we go down the field, Brady to Gronk, Brady to Gronk, Brady to Gronk, Brady to Gronk. Touchdown, two-point conversion, Brady to Gronk, go fuck yourself. All right? That was like when Batman and Robin on the TV show would be stuck in a fucking trap. You know what I mean? We ended the episode. That's what the K-crew say. Then all of a sudden, they break out and they beat the fuck out of everybody. That was the football version of that. Then there's 50-something seconds left. Now, I'm not feeling comfortable because they got fucking Big Ben and they have this great field goal kicker. I know that everybody's going

to go into the fucking whatever the fuck they went into. Whatever that defense is that makes everybody look like Joe Montana, including fucking Jimmy Garoppolo out there in San Francisco. I love how both quarterbacks. Who's the fucking guy in Tennessee? Is it Vinny Testa Verdi? Is he still playing? Mike Moriarty? What the fuck? I can never remember his name. The kid from Oregon. He marches down the field, go ahead score against their fucking, well, it's the end of the game, so now we don't play defense. So I guess the ratings increase. Is that what happens? All right? They go ahead and win. They go for the go ahead score. Then fucking 49ers get the ball back and they just march right down the goddamn field. They all right there, Fred.

Anyways, so it was like 56 seconds left. What the fuck? Just don't let him get out of bounds, give him the middle of the field. I guess that's what they try to do. And what do we do? What the fuck do we do? How many times is our defense going to do this to Tom Brady after he wins a fucking game? God knows we did it twice playing the Giants in the Super Bowl. Tom, terrific. As Paul Verzi calls him, goes down the fucking field and for the go ahead score, all the defense has to do. Go ahead score. All the defense has to do is stop them. Sante San, he'll drops the fucking ball. Anyways, I don't want to fuck. Let me let me let me stay on this year here. So

I don't know what this fucking defense is going to do. So for whatever fucking reason, Ben Rothesberger fucking throws, was it a screen pass that goes for 69 fucking yards? It was like the guy, it was like the, all of a sudden we turned to like a third grade pop wonder team. Two guys bump into each other and the dude continues on down the fucking sideline. Now that down at the 10 yard line and all I'm thinking, well, at the very least, this is going to go into fucking overtime. Right? Ben goes back to pass, throws it to the fuck, was it a white dude? I don't even remember. Everything happened so fast. He caught the ball, he goes in, touchdown, right? Well, they're going to look to see if his knees down. No,

I think the ball moved a cut hair. I can't believe I cannot fucking believe they called that back. What more do you have to do to establish possession? He's got the ball. Is he supposed to stop with 10 seconds left and hold it up to the ref? This is a football. I have it in my hands. Try to run it in. The guy did exactly what the fuck he was supposed to do. He caught the ball, headed to the end zone, reached out and scored. They took it away from him. Then I think the, you know, this is when it comes down to coaching and this is why the Patriots win these games is that when they fucking called the fucking touchdown back, it didn't look like

the fucking Steelers knew what they wanted to do. I don't know what the hell that was. And I'm just basically telling you what the fuck you saw. It's because I'm doing it Sunday night. I still can't believe that we, not even that we won the game, I can't believe that that wasn't a catch in a touchdown. I don't know what else you have to do to show possession. You know what? For like the 19th time on this fucking podcast, I'm going to look up this rule and I'm going to read it. Reading NFL rules, it's like reading the Bible. It's like, what are they talking about? All right, NFL, that's why you have a preacher for all the dummies out. I actually, the amount of times I've sat down when I was younger and I tried to read the Bible,

it's like, dude, can we update this shit? Can we put it into some language that I can understand? Because it might as well be in Latin. I don't know what anybody's talking about. Just know there's a lot of murder and incest in the beginning. It's just like, I don't want to see the end of this movie. All right, NFL rule, NFL rule catching pass. How many people look completing a catch? Okay, what in the fuck do you have to do? All right, a player who makes a catch may advance the ball. I'm aware of that. A forward pass is complete by the offense or intercepted by the defense if a player who is in bounds, number one, secures control of the ball in his hands or arms prior

to the ball touching the ground, which I felt that guy did. See, the thing is, you have to know what they consider securing the ball. I think he was supposed to hold it like an infant. And two, touches the ground in bounds with both feet or with any part of his body in other's head. That was not applicable to this. All right, I mean, I guess it's applicable to every catch. There was no out of bounds issue here is what I'm saying. Number three, maintains control of the ball after A and B have been fulfilled until he has the ball long enough to clearly become a runner. That's another weird thing. It's like he's running while he catches it. He's a runner the whole fucking play. What we mean is running in full possession of the ball

after fulfilling the requirements of number one and number two. A player has the ball long enough to become a runner when after his second foot is on the ground, he is capable of avoiding or warding off impending contact of an opponent. What if it's a bang bang play? I guess then it's not a catch. Well, I guess they call that all the time. Okay, comma, tucking the ball away, turning up field or taking additional steps. So that's what happens that I think at the goal line is when you're that close and there's that little time left, you don't have time and you fall into the ground. You don't have time to tuck the ball away. They have to put something here for this goal line shit or for first down situations where

they have to be able to understand that somebody is reaching the ball forward to either get a first down or a touchdown. Maybe that's what it is. So I guess because he didn't tuck the ball away. If a player has control of the ball, a slight movement of the ball will not be considered a loss of possession. He must lose control of the ball in order to rule that there has been a loss of possession. So he has to establish control and then lose control. If the player loses the ball while simultaneously touching both feet or any part of his body to the ground, it's not a catch. All right, so both feet were on the ground, so they thought he lost control of the ball or never had it to begin with. Despite the fact

that he caught it and then turned up field for those finals, whatever, three yards, saw the goal line, took the ball and reached over the fucking goal line. I just feel like for me when you fucking have the ball and you're like, if he wasn't in control, he wouldn't have done something like that. He wouldn't be going like, like fucking juggling the fucking thing. All right, end zone catches. The requirements for a catch in the end zone are the same as the requirements for a catch in the field of play. Note, in the field of play, if a catch of a forward pass has been completed, after which contact by a defender causes the ball to become loose before the runner is down by contact, it is a fumble and the ball remains alive. That all makes sense. In

the end zone, the same action is a touchdown because the play is automatically over. Okay, I understand that. That makes sense. All right, four, ball touches ground. If the ball touches the ground after the player secures control of it, it is a catch provided the player continues to maintain control. All right, so they didn't think he either secured it or had control of it. So what constitutes having control of it or securing the ball? Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, do you feel any closer to having an answer for that? I don't. Anyways, so here's a bright side if you're a Steeler fan. In this weird way, I was kind of hoping the Patriots were going to lose that game,

even though we would have to play you guys in Pittsburgh. I just feel like both teams are so evenly matched that it's going to be very hard for one of the two teams to beat each other twice to sweep the other team. So I was thinking like, well, if we lose, then Bella check is going to figure out what they're fucking doing. And then he'll correct it. He's done that time and again, he'll avenge the loss. And God knows we've gone into Pittsburgh enough time and won there. So we know we can do that. But now I don't know. I don't know about this one. I don't know. That was just a weird ending to a game. And in all of that, what's going to be forgot is that we gave up 69 yards on a fucking screen pass at the end of the fucking game

and should have lost. But we did. So now we're going to be home. I don't know. I don't know. That was weird. That was a weird one. That was just a weird one. But thank God in Pittsburgh, they've gone back to back with Stanley cups. Okay, so they can fucking, they can stick both those in their ears so they don't have to listen to the dad fucking crying in the other room. I don't know what to tell you guys. That was, you know, I don't know. I am now fascinated with this. I am officially after this is the third time I've seen a team get fucked over on a touchdown or winning the game. I have to figure out what the fuck when when do you like tucking the ball away? Like there's so many times when you're like

fourth in a couple of yards where you have to catch and people are coming in, you got to grab it and fucking reach forward to get a first down. I don't know. I have no idea. But you know, it's funny on Twitter, they were blaming the Patriots like somehow this is our shit, you know, Packers, you know, you could shit on the Packers, couldn't you? Didn't they benefit from that Cowboys benefited and got fucked? I don't fucking know. I don't know. Somehow I know it'll somehow go back to the Flate Gate. Somehow it'll go back to that shit once again. You know what I mean? I swear to God. Anyways, plowing ahead. I just got back from Orlando, Florida, in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Two of the most fun shows I had this year.

Just great crowds. I was down there with Forrest Shaw and it's great, man. I'm just not drinking, dude. So I'm getting up early. I've been practicing my drums, kind of hard to practice drums now when I it's just like when we edit a lot of the times my daughter's up and then the one window I have to play is like this time at night right now when she goes to go to sleep. So I can't be a douche. So I don't not playing as much as I would like to play. But I saw I watched two amazing documentaries on Netflix. I was embarrassed by my I'll show you know, do you guys know like on your Netflix homepage, like everybody's homepage is different because they sort of watch what you watch. They have like this fucking thing and then like whatever

you're into, you know what I mean? You guys, why am I going to explain to you people how it works? You know how it fucking works. Everybody's is different. So what mine became was everything that I was watching. See now it's cool again. But what it was before was everything was just fucking drug cartels behind the scene, prison, shit. What else did they had? It was all just yeah, it was just all shit like that. And then yeah, it was just all prisons, drug dealers, people getting killed, all of this shit. So I watched two fucking documentaries because I got I got I got to watch some other shit to to switch this up a little bit. And I watched the John Coltrane documentary. And then I watched one called I

called him Morgan, which was about this trumpet player that I'd never heard of before called guy's name was Lee Morgan. And I cannot tell you how great a player the guy is. And it's an amazing documentary really sad too. But but since I did that, I watched two things with black people in it. I now have a thing Nat King Cole, they got she's got to have it up here is something about Richard Pryor. But I also got better call Saul, you know what I mean? There's a way to do this because you're going to miss all this other cool shit. If you just keep going down the rabbit hole watching the same shit, I got a Jimi Hendrix thing, I got the Jerry Seinfeld comedian. I got one of the Star Wars movies, something about Mike

Tyson, right? I think it's funny, they got that whole something on Jacko Pistorius. How do you say his fucking name? World War Two in color, right? There you go. No more prison shit. This is great. Perfect. Pulp Fiction. I like it now. It was going too far the other the other direction like, Oh, this is all this guy wants to see. Because I watched this thing, they were like, you know, before never seen behind the scenes in a Russian prison. And they were showing these guys. And as bad as the prison was, what's great about it was is if you commit a bad enough crime, you don't have to worry about getting raped. Because they don't leave you alone. They're staring at you 24 fucking seven.

I didn't watch it that long enough. All I know is the crimes these guys committed was so fucking horrific. And then they cut to the warden and he goes, I have no sympathy for these people whatsoever. And I was just like, yeah, neither do I. This guy killed the whole family and then like took their bodies out in the woods and fucking lit them on fire. And it's just like, yeah, fuck that guy. And the guys sitting there going, you know, you got to be really strong mentally here or you're not going to make it. It's just like, I hope you don't. Yeah. So I watched 10 minutes of it and I agreed with the warden and I shut it off. And then I just looked at my page at that point and that's all it was. But anyways, I got to tell you that Lee Morgan was a guy,

I believe, who did he start out with? I watched so much shit this weekend. The fuck did he start out with? He started out with Thelonious Monk. I can't remember. He played a little bit with John Coltrane. And then he got into with Art Blakey, the jazz messengers. And then he went out on his own. But like, his playing is just, he's one of the guys, you know what I mean? I don't know, like, you know, like guitar players. There's a bunch of guys that can fucking shred. And then there's the guy that makes you fucking hair stand up on your arm like that guy's one of the guys. He's that with the trumpet. The name of the thing is called, I called him Morgan. I forgot what the John Coltrane was, but the Coltrane one was on a whole other level

where it actually makes you want to be a better person. That's the only way to describe it. His fucking worldview was incredible. I didn't, I didn't know a lot about him. You know, I'm the typical John Coltrane hacky fan. Like I have a love supreme, you know, but I should get all those other ones, blue train and all that type of stuff. But I always went down the Miles Davis road, like wherever he went, whoever he played with, I just kind of followed all the way through that. And I know Coltrane was with them twice. He got fired one time and the second time he left. And so then I just followed Miles into his second, was it Quartet or Quintet? I think Quintet. And that's the one with Tony Williams. And then I just

stayed with Tony right through lifetime and all the shit he was doing. And I kind of missed all those other guys. So I'm finally going back and listening to all these guys. And that that fucking music is incredible. It's fucking incredible. And the way they shoot it in the black and white, when you see the video and stuff, it's unbelievable. And there's this weird thing where you wouldn't think with jazz, there's like a danger to it, but there's like a fucking edge to it that is, I don't know, it's compelling. And I just wish they had more documentaries like that on Netflix. So if people know some other streaming service or some shit where I can watch it, because I would watch about anybody from that. And then I ended up finding out like Shelly,

is it Shelly Man or Shelly Mane? He's like a famous jazz drummer, a white dude. And through watching the Cold Train thing, I saw that he played a gig. And he had this Shelly Man had this place called Shelly Man's Manhole or Shelly's Manhole or something like that. And I was sitting there going like, I wonder where that was in LA because nothing is ever preserved in LA. And I found out that it's right on Kowanga, just north of Sunset, right around the corner from Big Wangs, where I used to go there all the time before I was married and watched games and all that shit. I just was thinking like Miles Davis, John Coltrane, all these monster fucking players all played live right around the corner for where me and my friends were

like 50 years later going, dude, all day, all day, why the fuck would you run it there? Like how much that block dropped off. But a very un-LA thing, I guess there's some sort of commemorative thing to that jazz club in the sidewalk there. Not like a star or anything, but I thought that was pretty cool. So anyways, all right, so there's that. Check out both those documentaries if you're into that type of shit. I know I'm all over the map here. Little music, little sports, maybe I'm a little, maybe this is a nice little fucking balance here for once. All right, I do have some sad news here. And this really is sad news. I lost another advertiser. Now, if you're a fan of the podcast, you know this shit happens all the fucking time to

me. All right, there's people that, you know, they don't quite appreciate the my colorful way that I try to sell the products. But these people, they hung in there for a long time. And they finally had enough of me. And I just want to thank them for being on the podcast. I had a great time reading their copy. Farewell to Sherry's Berries. Evidently, I finally went too far when I somehow made a clan reference while reading about chocolate-covered strawberries. I thought it was funny. You know, I was with Harris Stan and he, you know, I guess if I was by myself and I made the clan reference, it would seem weird, but I was in the room with another black guy. Not another black guy with a black guy, right?

With another guy who was black. That's how I was trying to say it, right? So then obviously, well, doesn't that obviously mean that I'm just fucking around? I don't know. I had a great time reading your shit. You're definitely welcome back anytime, anytime he'd like to come back. We'd love to have you back. I love reading your copy. Your fucking strawberries are delicious. But I get it. You know what I mean? It's a very sensitive time out there. We have to really be conscious of what we're affiliated with and God forbid the Grand Dragon starts fucking ordering some goddamn strawberries. I don't know. I don't know what people in advertising are. You know what their problem is? Is they're trying to please everybody,

you know? And if they were just collectively, if they could just grow a dick in some fucking balls and just be happy with selling strawberries or nature's box or whatever the fuck it is, your blue apron, all these people who fucking walked off this podcast. If you would just focus on the fuck, all the money that you, you know, do you know what I would be like if I tried to make everybody laugh? Yeah, I would, I would have a puppet. I don't know what I would have. I would, I would, I would, I would work totally clean. I would not saying any, having a puppet's bad, not saying working clean is bad, but I would just, I would stop. You, you step, what happens is, what happens is basically

you step outside yourself and then you start watching yourself thinking, what do they want? And then the second you do that shit, you're done. All right. So Sherry's berries, I think you're making a terrible mistake here. You know, but I'm letting you know the door is always open. I'll let you back in. Like a battered wife, you know, in a bad fucking relationship, I'll let you back in and then you can try to fuck. You know what's funny about these advertisers? They always want to talk to me and there's the rule on the podcast is I don't talk to any of them. Okay. I'm not talking to you. This, this is just some bullshit I do to make people fucking laugh and to promote my gigs. Okay. I'm not going to start having fucking conference calls about chocolate

covered fruit. There's only so many hours in the day, you know, anyways, happy trails guys. All right. I'll still order your strawberries. No hard feelings. All right. Okay. Man crate, everybody. Man crate. Oh, you know what? These sons of guns, they sent me the night. These sons of bitches. I said sons of guns because I was fucking thinking about who, who, who, who, who. Don't fuck. Don't don't offend the strawberry people. Man crates. Um, these sons of bitches sent me, uh, they sent me a bunch of booze. They sent me all this cool grill stuff. It actually comes in a crate. You feel like a man when you open it up. It's fantastic. Um, I can't, I can't recommend this enough. Now I'm not saying that I'm not

going to make a clan reference or anything like that when I'm selling this stuff. Oh, look, who's here? Look who's here. Was I too loud? Just close it, close the door the whole way. You going to call who? Who's the decorator? Oh, all right. Come on in. Come here. Come here. Do you, do you know, do you know no more sherry's berries? I know you burned that bridge. What do you mean? I didn't burn the bridge. It was a fucking bridge was on fire when they got there. I did the, I did the, you're such a bad boy. I'm not saying it like that. I'm saying like what I meant by that. You just over yourself. He's such an asshole. Why did I marry you? What? Why did I marry you? I always know when you're full of shit. Because you were in love.

Nia, what I meant was I was already doing this shit when they got with me. Don't try to change me, sherry's berries. This, this is, this is right here. Yeah, you're a dangerous comic. You never know it's going to come out of your mouth. Ooh, what's he going to say now? He's so edgy and controversial. I'm not. You are. I'm not. You love it. You love being like the outlier of the whole thing, don't you? You love it. Admit it. No, I just know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. Okay. What are you doing? I'm fucking reading advertising and people don't want to hear it. So you keep the show doesn't stop. You just keep fucking around. These fucking dopes who sold

shit understood that for two seconds. Everybody, all these other fucking podcasts, you know what they do? They press fast forward. They blow right through it. It fucking works. It's a little late for that. Now that you trash me, you dress me down. Yeah, well, you'll be okay. What are you doing, Nia? We're on the podcast. I can't listen to her crying. That's the hardest thing is when you set them down, they're totally fine. They're just crying and they're trying to get you to pick them up and you can't fucking do it. Anyways, sleep training. All right, we ready here? Now that you fucking dress me down here. Okay, now you want Nia? I will. We want you to read this copy straight. Sure. Let's see. Let's see if you can do it. I can totally do it. You want to bet?

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eat. So you're sort of like a mafia don, just having everybody do all your hits for you? The only animals that I can kill are insects, and I would kill a possum. You know, a lot of parts of the world they eat insects. It's a source of protein. I kill them. I could eat. Yeah, somebody else is around the world going, that's a nice little jalapeno popper spider there that you could have fucking breaded in deep fried possum, because that's my least favorite animal. I could also kill a raccoon because I also don't like them. You don't like varmints. I don't like varmints. No, and I don't. You like a black, you send me Sam with a pussy. Who? You. You're a female, black, you send me Sam. You don't remember? You little varmint. Remember that? His fucking red mustache

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when I'm on the road? No, no, no. But isn't that a thing that you use a crowbar to like Jimmy? Oh boy. Yeah, you take the crowbar and you slide it in between the door and the window. Yeah, yeah, you just sort of just sort of slip that in there. Do you know what a crowbar looks like? Is it like a wrench? Like a big it's you can't that's not what they use. I don't want to fat shame a crowbar, but it cannot fit. It cannot fit in that little area that you have a little Yeah, no, that's what do they call it thing? Is it a slim gym? A little fucking thing you just go down and they just fucking in there's always the it looks like he's jerking off. What is a crowbar used for? Was it crowbar used for? It's used to open man crates. Oh, and regular crates too.

What about lady crates? Do they have lady crates too? I don't know what they have. It's probably vibrates to the crowbar. Sorry. All right, Dollar Shave Club, Dollar Shave Club, dude. What you might not know is that Dollar Shave Club also has products for pretty much everything you need in the bathroom, body wash, shampoo, hair gel, lip balm, everything. At the store, there are too many, you know, out of respect for Pittsburgh Steeler fans, I'm not going to read this in a Boston accent. Dude, Brady always finds a way, kid. Sorry. At the store, there are too many options and you can't tell the difference between any of them. Then if you have any questions to cure, the clerk usually doesn't know the difference either or either can't help you since they're not experts

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dollarshaveclub.com. That's dollarshaveclub.com. And if you want a great gift, give them Dollar Shave Club. Give them Dollar Shave Club. Oh, sorry. They've got a super single gift memberships and e-gift cards. Dollar Shave Club's high quality products will have you covered from face cheeks to butt cheeks. There is no better time to try the club. And lastly, but not leastly, Simply Safe. If you've been thinking about your home security, there's no better time to get it than right now. Simply Safe has put together a massive security arsenal for your home, a special package handpicked just for you. It's got entry sensors, motion sensors, and glass break sensors. Everything you need to stop criminals from ever touching your goddamn home. And right

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He can be so mean sometimes. Hey, I'm on trade number three. Trade number three of invisidouche, operation invisidouche. My teeth are starting to move. I have a couple of announcements. Patrice O'Neill, if you want to, hey, if you guys want a great gift idea, Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, get two tickets for the person you love, stuff it in their goddamn stocking, and come out and see the show on February 20th at the New York City Center in Manhattan. If you don't live in Manhattan, it's a great excuse to come to New York City and check it out before the entire thing becomes a giant bedbath and beyond. All right, what am I up to here? 39, 40 minutes. All right, can you help me out here, O'Neill, with the, she's sleeping, right?

No, she's getting there. What is she doing? Looks like she is. She's still squirming. She thrust around a bit, but now she's... All right. Oh, also, Santa Steve, Steve Simone, the great Steve Simone and regular hero are raising money again this year for children fighting cancer and their families. Monday morning podcast listeners helped raise $15,000 last time around, and it had a huge impact on a lot of families. Their stories are brutal and every bit helps. The goal this year is $50,000. We'll tweet a link today. Thank you guys so much. You've already been ridiculously generous this year, so thank you very much. All right, MP3 player. All right, O'Neill, are you going to be on this

here? Are you going to help me out here? Sure. Yeah. Okay. You don't sound too enthused. Would you like your own microphone? No. That's okay. I'll just use yours. I think it'd be better if you had your own microphone. Talk to the people. No, Yeezys. Talk to the people for a minute. Um, people... Describe what I'm wearing right now. Bill is wearing a pair of pajamas that I got him for Christmas, not last year, but maybe the year before. Last year. Was it last year? A pair of pajamas that I got him last year. Oh, I don't have another mic. And he looks like, um, like he's in that show, My Two Dads, that... My Three Sons. I look more My Three Sons. That's right. Yeah, My Three Dads was, no, My Two Dads...

Was a porno. No, it was an 80s show about a girl who had two dads for a reason that I can't really recall. For the situation comedy of it? Maybe her mom died and her mom wasn't sure which one was her dad. So they were both her dad? Or maybe she was dating one, but the other one was her dad? I don't really know, but it was My Two Dads. And I used to watch it. Sounds like the jizz was flying around. All right, MP3 player. I know. What do you want me for me? MP3 player. Hey, Billy Redface. Merry Christmas, dude. Thank you. My suggestion, Merry Christmas to you too. My suggestion for MP3 player is the Apple Watch. Fuck you. I'm trying to get out. I'm trying to get out of them. I'm trying to get away from Apple. Okay, because I have all this other music and they just won't

recognize it. And I'd buy it off of them, but they don't have it. All right, whatever. I'll listen to you. I know it's more than an MP3 player, but that's the great thing is you get so much more for the money. The big drawback is that you can only use Bluetooth headphones with it. That's the thing about Apple. And let me guess, only Bluetooth headphones made by fucking Apple. Other than that, I like that it stays strapped to your wrist so you don't need to carry anything else with you. If you've got the Series 3 with the L, this sounds like a giant commercial for this thing. But I did ask, the Series 3 with LTE, it doubles as a phone. This is what he talked to your wrist like fucking Captain Kirk. The call time is very limited.

I'm not doing this. Why would I do this? I'm okay. Friend who smells like Anus. Oh, boy. Hey, you redheaded Mick Bastard. I don't give a shit. What are you going to do? What about that thing I told you? What do you think about that? Matt Damon commented on the stuff going on in Hollywood. So this person wrote an article about him and they go, Matt Damon, a white male, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like it was just like, who doesn't know he's a white guy? Like what does that mean? It means that maybe he should shut his big white trap. Is that not race baiting? That's like some Fox News shit. There was no reason to say what his race was or his sex was there. And the person, there was nothing, anything else. They just

said that he was a white male and then they just continued on with the fucking thing. It's fucking, this is such a, I swear to God, watching, I don't know. It's just, I don't get, if you just say, listen, now it's my turn to be a douche, then I'm fine with it. But don't fucking act like you're a better person because you're not. I mean, that's a fucked up. I mean, what? You're looking at me like, you can't fucking go, two wrongs don't make a right? Nothing? What do you mean two wrongs don't make a right? That's total, that's fucking race baiting. Race baiting who? All stereotypes about fucking, with this whole thing about sexual harassment. Is that what race baiting is? Just saying that someone's a white male? How is that race baiting?

This is so funny. I sound like a black person right now and you sound like a white person. What? All we said was that he was just white. I don't understand what you mean. Call somebody what they are, a white male. Oh, you're saying that if this was like Fox News, they'd be, no, this is, no, this is what they were doing. Tyrell Jackson, a black male, was spotted at the, blah, blah, blah, like the way they do that type of shit. I'm saying the reason that they added that detail was because he was commenting on sexual harassment and white guys positions of power and all of that. So what they were saying in there is they just say white male, so then you can go with all your stereotypes and be like, oh, totally privileged,

didn't have to work for shit in a position of power. He doesn't understand this, like all this negative shit where it was no longer Matt Damon. It was hashtag white male trash. That's what the fucking guy was doing. Old woman, whoever wrote that fucking article, that's what bugged me. Whether you agreed with what he said or not is a completely different thing, but I just, I just was like, what the fuck does that, who the fuck doesn't know Matt Damon's a white guy? It's not, he's just some, it's not, they had a fucking picture of him anyways. If he was some complete nobody, I see the picture. It was a giant picture of Matt Damon's white head. And they go, Matt Damon, a white male, you know what they're doing. That's that feminist

fucking psycho shit. What do you mean feminist psycho shit? That fucking psycho shit, white male trash, all that shit that they're doing, that literally doing the, not, not saying all of them are doing it, but they're doing that shit where they're, they're, they're fighting this thing that they are literally becoming. Well, Matt Damon should relate. No, no, no, keep it up. I'm not talking about what he said. I'm talking about that fucking detail. It was fucking weird. Just throw in there Matt Damon comma. Matt Damon, white male. It's like male prostitute. It's like, what, I just remember what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And then I read the art, the gist of the article, I'm like, oh, oh, I see why you threw that in there. Yeah. Well, because I mean, he's speaking

like a typical white guy. So yeah, I was, wow, look at that. Look at this all, look at all this getting thrown around. Well, what, you, Nia, you know how they are. You know how those white guys are where you feel like I'm secret, like I secretly hate people. No, no, no, I'm just, I'm actually in a way enjoying this shit. Why? Because of all that, hey, white guys are evil and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just know that human beings who have too much fucking power, I would agree with that. And when you have too much power as a nation or as a fucking race or a sex, you stand, you tend to, it's very hard to not overstep your bounds. Okay. And what I am now seeing as the pendulum is changing is that people, what I always felt is people just,

they're going to behave the same way. It's not going to become better. It's just somebody else will then get in power and then behave the exact same fucking way. While they pat themselves on the back saying how great they are, like white guys who did a bunch of horrific shit and then put up statues of themselves. Does that make sense? It's an interesting point. Oh, ouch. All right. Friend who smells like anus. Your beard is like kind of out of control right now. Don't you think? Like it's a little bushy. Isn't it? Yeah. What's the what's going on? What's a what's a what's happening hot stuff? That's racist. Um, did um, did dollar shave club not hook you up this month? What's going on? I don't know. I just like fucking Robinson Caruso.

It was funny. I've heard that name my whole life. I don't even know who that is. Did he get stuck on an island or is he like a, I think so. I don't even know. We got to look it up now. Oh, there you go. There's your quote for the week, everybody. It's something from literature. That's what I married and made a child with. It's something from literature. Robinson Caruso, a white man. I go with all of that. I had a big argument with somebody about that. About the whole, you can't discover some shit when people are already there and this guy actually argued with me. He goes, well, he was discovering it for himself and the people didn't know, but

it's just like, no, he's talking about Christopher Columbus. I forget who he was talking about. Yeah. Cause fuck that guy. What do you mean? Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. Fuck Christopher Columbus. If he didn't come here, you wouldn't have met me. Wow. Really? Listen, Nia, you know, to make it on, you got to break a few eggs. The things that come out of your mouth. Oh, fucking, Nia, adults listen to this. They know I'm fucking around. Jesus fucking Christ. The cunts out there will take that clip and we'll see the trouble I get in that. That's a classic one for Huffington Post. Fucking douchebags. They'll clip that out of it. Oh, those low-hanging fruit douchebags. All right, Robinson Caruso. Caruso. The way it's spelled, C-R-U-S-O-E. Robinson

Caruso. Everyone says Robinson Caruso, but it looks like Caruso. I say Caruso because I always think of Ray Caruth. First published on the 25th of April, 1719. The first edition is blah, blah, blah. Plot summary. Jesus. Let's get to the cliff notes. This is too long. Caruso. Joined an expedition to bring slaves from Africa, but he's, yeah, who gives a fuck about this guy? But he was shipwrecked. Moving on. In his storm. That's exactly what I thought. That's exactly what I thought. I didn't know it was about that. Next. Did they do a second version where that wasn't in there? Oh, God. No, they make them out like he's some fucking hero, though, don't they? Cannibals. Discovery of cannibals. An island kill and

eat prisoner. Oh, God. You know what? Yeah, I don't give a shit. It's for his arrival there. Only he and three animals. The captain's dog and two cats survived the shipwreck. Overcoming his despair, he fetches arms, tools, and supplies. So basically white people read this, ignore the slavery part, and then root for this white guy to come home because they put themselves in that place. What an adventure. Get out of here. All right. How did we get on the subject of that guy? Oh, you said my beard. Right, because I said your beard was too much. All right. Well, the three months with the three musketeers. Robinson Caruso. Christopher Columbus. Matt Damon. White males. It wasn't white males that

really need to shut the fuck up. Why do they need to shut the fuck up? That's such an ignorant statement. It's not. It isn't near. You can't watch. If you tell people to shut the fuck up, then they're not going to listen to your point that like what you just said there is how people try and communicate on the Internet where they start things off with, hey, shit, Dick, maybe if you fucking didn't have your head up your ass, and they could actually be making a good point, but they started that way. If you tell people that they need to shut the fuck up and then what listen to you, what sort of human being is going to be receptive to what you have to say? If that's the way you're going, you're dipping into the pool. That is because I'm thinking about

other things that Matt Damon has said. The other like sort of stands is that he's taken. And I just feel like he is really arrogant and he's not really as worldly and understands people as well as he thinks that he does. And he's in a very like small little bubble. And I'm just, I'm not here. You've never met this guy. And I guarantee if you went to a Christmas party out there and he was there, you'd be like, Oh my God, Matt Damon's here. Maybe a couple of years ago, I would have. Oh, Jesus Christ. Everybody needs to just fucking just, just, just relax a little bit. Like, first of all, this wasn't even about that. This wasn't even about what the fuck he said. What it was about was that that fucking person says, Matt Damon, white male,

a white male. I'm just saying that's all I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about all of that other shit. I'm trying to stay out of that shit. No, you don't. But I'm trying to say why I, but that's a whole other thing having to do with Project Greenlight and the last season and the way he was. All right. What are you doing? Jesus. He's already getting enough fucking shit. You can throw more crap on the fire. I mean, Oh, all right. Sorry. I'm sure you want to do a movie with him one day. Sorry. No, that's not what I'm saying.

Maddie. I'm not trying. You are such an asshole on this. Why did I invite you in? That's not why I'm saying that. Now you made me look like a fucking asshole. Yeah. Hollywood phony. Hey, stop trying to get into bed with all these guys. I'm not. That's not the point of any of this. First of all, Nia, he's not, but this is the thing. This is the thing that every dumb mistake, people think if you get to know the actor, they're going to get you in the movie. They're not. They're not. That's not how that works. They're trying to keep their own

fucking head above water. They don't have fucking time for you. And can I play your fucking postman? They don't give a shit. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. I gotta tell you, Nia, you're killing it on this podcast because every time I try to make a fucking point, you trash me in such a way that just destroys anything I'm trying to say. I'm just saying, I'm just, you know, Jesus Christ. I can't, I can't make fun of the Huffington Post and then get somebody else in trouble for some, some bullshit. They already got in trouble for. All right. That's, that's what I'm saying. I'm leaving it alone. Okay. I'm leaving it alone. Fuck. All right. Friend who smells like anus for the 90th fucking time.

I'll tell you, Nia, I think you're banned from this podcast. Can I read it? Huh? Can I read it? Yeah, go ahead. You read it. Thank you. Big fan of the podcast. My friend and I saw you and Mr. Don't forget this part. You already read that. Hey, you redheaded McBastard. That's offensive. Now somebody's going to take that. Someone's going to take that and cut out the part where you said that's offensive. I just wanted you on tape saying, Hey, you redheaded McBastard. I love it. All right. Big fan of the podcast. My friend and I saw you and Mr. Versey do stand up in Albany, New York, phenomenal show. My question is about women's hygiene. Oh boy. My two buddies and I have a friend that is a very nice person and he wears very preppy

clothing. However, however, she smells like a bag of rotten clams. The odor has become so bad that the three of us have questioned whether wearing a gas about question whether wearing a gas max around her. This person needs to write better as men. We know it is not right to tell a woman she smells like ass, but we don't know what else to do. Should we tell her or con one of her friends into telling her? Thanks, Bill. Keep up the hilarious podcast and go fuck yourself. First of all, you are so unoriginal by being like, she smells like a bag of rotten clams, you know, clams, pussy. Second of all, if you're not fucking this broad, no, you don't have anything to say. Next here. All right. Nia got a little defensive. Nia, can I ask you a question? If you walked around

smelling like a bag of rotten clams, wouldn't you want somebody to give you the heads up before you became a person and wears very preppy clothing? However, she smells like, what does that have to do with it? I don't, I don't get it. Oh, because she's nice and she wears nice clothes, but she smells like clams. A bag of rotten clams. A bag of rotten clams. This sounds like an exaggeration. Give me a break. Smells so bad. The three of us have questioned whether wearing a gas mask around or what? Like, where's the rest of your sentence? First of all, learn how to write a sentence properly. Then maybe I can. Why are you getting so defensive? Like they said, you smell like a bag of rotten clams. This is this fucking thing. You're just

defending this person because she's a, you know what, you inserted yourself in the story and you would be the person. What I'm supposed to do, isn't it? I'm supposed to put myself in the scenario. I guess so. So now what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to help pull you out of that and say that you in no way shape a shape or form smell like a bag of rotten clams. Yeah, maybe a little edgy tonight. All right, fine. Okay. So what would you say? How can they tell her? All right. This, this, this woman, okay, probably wants to find love at some point and you're not going to, you're really limiting, you know, she's got to find somebody that works in some sort of chemical plant that's destroyed your sense of smell. She's got some sort of like

medical issue. Yeah, sometimes you can have like literally a sinus infection that can give you really bad breath. There's all kinds of stuff like, you know, and this is the thing like guys, like it's not like I never ran into a woman that didn't, wasn't so fresh and so clean, you know, and I, there's no way to tell them because it, the embarrassment of it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What should I do? Singing telegram? You smell like ass, like ass, like ass. How can they do that? I would actually, I would, I would actually think that she needs, if she's dressing nice and all that type of stuff, meaning she's clean, I would say that she probably

needs to see a doctor and it's probably something with her diet. I'm just, this is just shit that I've heard, diet or I don't know. Maybe she's stressing a lot. I have no idea. I honestly don't know how you would handle that. Well, how, how would you handle it? Okay. If they, it's like the end of a Tom Cruise movie and you got to clip the right fucking wire, it blows up in your face. Okay. First, first thought, how are you doing it? I think you take, you take them out, not on like a date, but just hang out and just be like, listen, I love you so much. You are such an amazing person. You are the best. You're the best. Yeah. Are you breaking up with me? No, no, no, no. I just feel like, you know, sometimes I just notice like, like an odor

coming from you. So I don't know if I don't know if like you're, you're washing machine isn't working, you know, or like the, why would she put a vagina in a washing machine? They're not smelling her vagina. They're smelling her BO, right? Oh, when I heard clams, I thought the problem was in the basement. Exactly. Exactly. They're talking about her BO, I would assume. Oh, but it could be halitosis. It could be, if you're not, if you're not fucking her like, what do you, what do you care? You know, but because they like her and they want to hang out with them, but she smells like fucking, I'm sorry. He said a bag of clams. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. She smells like low tide there. Low tide there. Yeah. Maybe, well, maybe you're washing, you're, what do you call it,

washing machine isn't working effectively or you should try a different. I know what I would do. Detergent. What would you do? I get two, uh, those spray aerosol cans of like deodorant and I dress like a cowboy. I walk into the barn and go, hands up. And when she did, I go, sorry, I got nothing. I don't know. I would try to have, I would, I would have, I would talk to a female friend of hers and tell her to do it because it'll be less embarrassing and just say you're just giving her the heads up. I had a friend and I still have this friend and we had someone that we worked with, someone who I'm actually still a friend with. And was it a white male? Yeah.

And he would talk about how my friend's breath stink and I would always like laugh because he was right. Her, her breath did stink a lot and I would always offer her gum. Gum meant, oh, you want one, you want one and she would always refuse. So it's like, what can I do? You have to sit her down and say, bitch, your breath stinks. No, sorry. Well, our breath doesn't stink anymore, but at the time, because probably somebody told her. Yeah, probably. All right. Dad cheating on mom. Dear Billy Skankles, please do not say my name. No, he's got a jokey name. He's got a jokey name. Why are you such a drag all of a sudden? One fucking stinky clam thing and now

come on, man, lighten up. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. I should be in a bad mood. The way you've been trashing me on this, I invite you on them onto my show. I already lost Sherry's berries. They're walking out of my life and then I got to listen to you trash. I've been a fan of yours since the year 2000. Remember that bit? How great was that bit? I fucking love that bit. Conan O'Brien show, everybody. I love hearing your podcast every week. I use it as a escape, as an escape from my shitty life. I want to ask you for your advice, but a month ago, I started to notice my father would talk to a coworker who happens to be a lady. I didn't think much of it. Seeing is how he's been happily married for the past 27 years.

I checked my dad's phone number, my phone the other day. He usually has me fix his phone since he doesn't understand technology. Upon checking his phone, I saw a couple of texts and a picture that they have been sending each other. All right. A couple of texts. I don't know what was in the text. I don't know what the picture was. He doesn't need to be sending pictures of himself to another woman. Yeah. I don't know what to do. I have looked up this guy for 25 years. Oh, no. And now I feel crushed seeing the piece of shit he is. Should I confront him and tell him to stop or else I'll tell my mother, Bill, can you please help me? Thank you and go fuck yourself from Adolf Stalin. Oh, just in time for Christmas.

What would you do? What would you do, baby? What would you do if you had to give your life freedom? What would you do? Um, I don't know what I would do. I would. That's a tough one. I would just say I was, you know, I was fixing your phone the other day and I saw this picture of this woman. Who is she? I would do it. There you go. He'd probably lie. Just know that he's probably going to lie to you. I mean, you can confront him and just say, Hey, like, what's, you know, you had me fix your phone. I saw these pictures and these texts. Like, what's going on? He's probably going to get upset. Why are you reading my text? I didn't ask you to do that. I just asked you to get me off airplane

mode or whatever the fuck it is that he did. You know, why are you looking? He's probably going to get really, really upset with you and he's going to lie and he's going to deny it. And then he's going to be probably overly sweet to your mom in front of you. Um, I don't know, but you're, um, look to this guy for 25 years now. Yeah, it's a hard thing to realize that your parents are not as perfect and great and upstanding as you thought they were. That sucks. So what, you think he should just go up and ask him? I mean, if it's, but yeah, he should just say like, Hey, I just saw these pictures like, you know, I don't know what they were, but I thought they were maybe something inappropriate, but maybe I'm wrong and it's just been bothering me. But like I said, just maybe

that'll make him stop. Be prepared that he is going to get very pissed at you. He might not. He might be fucking embarrassed. I don't know. And it's probably going to make him be really upset and yell at him. So, but I feel bad for your mom. That's the thing. But who knows? Maybe your parents have an arrangement that you don't know about. Oh Jesus. I don't know. You got to consider all the possibilities here, you know, but unless his mom is at home just baking cookies and making dinner every night, you know, and being like, Oh, she's just nagging them every night. He just gets sick of it. Maybe she's banging in the mailman. Hey, you know, can we have a little sympathy for the guy who fucking wrote in here? Jesus Christ. I would go with her first advice.

All right. Over, okay. Overrated, underrated is back. All right. Overrated. Outdoor hockey games. I've been twice. One in Comerica Park in Detroit and another at the big house. It's cold. You can't see the whole ice and it's hard to track the puck, not to mention the blinding glare from the sun. Do yourself a favor, save your money and watch it at home. Wow. Underrated homemade french fries. If you're hosting a barbecue or just making burgers for the family, take the time and make some hand cut fries. That sounds like the beginning of one of your advertisers. Double fry them and toss in sea salt. Oh, if you're feeling really ambitious, a homemade spicy ketchup will put it over the top. Wow. Nice. Your grand rapid show at the

church was great. Can't wait to hear those jokes again in your next special. I love that fucking. That's such a great kick. All right. Advice for a lady. Is this the last one? It's a long one. Brace yourselves. Bill's going to be reading for a while. 22 year old married to a 47 year old. Oh boy. I'm calling it right now, but go ahead. All right. I have been putting off emailing you this because I feel pretty embarrassed, but I adore your podcast, your honest advice, and I have massive amounts of respect for you. So fuck it. If you do actually read this or take the time to respond, then thank you so much. I don't know why, but I actually love

when somebody uses the word adore. I adore your podcast. It seems so much more sincere than I love your podcast, but now that I put that out there, everyone's going to make fun of me and say how much they adore. I should probably start by saying that I was in a really bad spot when I first met my guy. I was 20 and he was 45. I lost my mom when I was 17, the lung cancer, and then I lost the mother figure who had taken me in and I had stayed with for two years again to lung cancer. Jesus Christ. I never knew my dad. You knew that was coming. So I know there's some daddy issues in to play here probably, but anyways, I felt like a giant curse. Two of my family members became ill and I was falling behind in my degree. The only happiness I had was going to concerts, getting

high and trying to forget my grief in the music. Yeah, that sounds like what I would have done. That was until I met my guy at one of the shows and everything started changing for the better. He had the most amazing, confident, positive energy I had ever seen and I felt so unbelievably happy just by being around him. We started dating. I fell in love hard and fast forward nine months later we got married in Vegas on a trip visiting his family as he's American. I was drunk. The marriage is not registered in the UK and my family still doesn't know. Please don't judge me. I would never judge you. I'm a fucking mess. Everything is mostly wonderful between us and we have lived together for a year now. He's a roadie and we'll typically spend a couple of months touring and

then three months at home in that cycle. He is 100% trustworthy. I like that dynamic we have because I get my own time to focus on my freelance work, but the time apart keeps the love fresh and exciting, especially as we travel a lot when he is off to work. But he wants to start breeding within a couple of years and whilst he is someone I would start a family with, I know I'm not ready for anything like that. We've spoken about this and he said he would wait a few years, but I still know I'm not going to be ready in a few years. I still feel like a lost teenager most of the time. I know what the responsibility is. I know what the responsible thing to do is, which is to end it, but he's been the reason

the last couple of years of my life have been so much brighter and happier than they have in so long. He's great in bed, super thoughtful and generous. No, it isn't a sugar daddy thing, but it's nice having someone want to look after you. I just don't know what to do at all. I really don't want to lose him, but he's 47 now and wants kids as soon as possible. I don't want to be a cunt and knowingly waste his time. I do have a good, Jesus, okay, two more paragraphs. I do have a good circle of friends that I'll be absolutely fine alone slash single, but I just don't want to regret throwing away a good relationship over this PS. I'm so glad you like Manchester. We loved you here. I fucking love going to Manchester. I had a

great time and I would love to go to Liverpool and Newcastle. I would like to do more of those cities up there next time I come over. I would love to meet you and the beautiful Nia in England one day just so I can shake the hand and thank you in person for making a post uni existential crisis so much more bearable. I don't even know what that means. Ha, ha. Stay shiny and go fuck yourself. All right. Look, you've been through a lot of shit. Okay. And you married this guy nine months in. It's not what, what he wants is not what you want. And here's the deal. Okay, as much as you're going to feel like you're an asshole for doing this to this guy, what kind of a fucking 45 year old guy marries a 20 year old? Well, he's 47 now and she's 22. Yeah,

but it, and wants to like knock her up right away and all the other kind of stuff. Yeah. I mean, he, yeah, it seems, how do you not know that that's coming? Yeah. I mean, she didn't. She's young, you know, no, no, no, I'm saying, how does he know that this isn't coming? Oh, I don't know. I mean, I just feel like he's like on, you know, the middle and age, he's a middle age. And so he's freaking out. He's not middle age. She's over the hill. I'm so sick of people saying 47. Why isn't that middle age? 47 times two. Come on, artist. What is it? Um, 94. Yeah. How many people make it to 94? Not a lot. Like 94 people make it to 94. Yeah. Like 35 is middle age. Yeah. No, 35 times two is 70. You have to be, um, you have to be true to yourself. You're

so young. You don't want to have kids now because yeah, your life is going to change drastically and you haven't had a chance to even fully, you know, experience everything that you want to experience. You're, you're, you're way too young. People of course have kids at your age, but you're so young. So, you know, you should just be honest with him about it and just all wait a couple you can't have kids. You don't know if you don't know who you are or what the fuck you're doing. Exactly. You can't have kids. And honestly, it's not your fault that he waited this long to, you know, be in a relationship and have kids. Like, yeah. And sometimes you have to be selfish. Yeah. It's not your, to get what you want. Okay. That's it. Okay. You're being, you're being a good,

she just takes off now. He's still 47. He can meet a fucking 31 year old. Yeah. That's who he needs. He needs to meet a chick in her thirties who's just sweating it out going, what the fuck? I need a baby tomorrow. I need to trap a man. That's, that's what he's, it's, it's not your fault. He's drafting this late in life. He's drafting in the later rounds. That's what's left. You know that, you know, the trap car, no trap car, then he's, he's gonna, he's gonna date, he's gonna date the female version of that. They got this fucking thing out there called the trap car. Speaking of racist, they drive it in. What? They drive this car, a nice car, they leave it running with the keys on and they, but they only do it in like

non-white neighborhoods. Oh, I've heard of that. Yeah. It's such bullshit. Bullshit. But anyway, don't, don't have a baby just to keep this guy because you will end up, you'll love your baby and you'll end up hating him. But you'll resent your baby because you didn't get to go to fucking Joshua Tree and eat mushrooms and do whatever the fuck you're supposed to do in your early 20s, whatever, what do kids do now in the early 20s? Yeah, you guys are really at completely different stages in your life and this is why, you know, unfortunately it's not advisable to marry someone who could literally be your father. So. Nia with another cold bucket of water. I know. I like this, I like this writer. She's sweet

and you know, I don't know. It sucks. You know what I mean? She sounds like she's genuinely in love with him and it doesn't want to break up, but this is a pretty big issue. This isn't a little thing. So he's, by the time you're ready, he's going to be dead. I'm just kidding. He's going to be, you know, even older. So it's just, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Or you could like adopt a 12 year old. I think you said what you had to say. I feel like you're over, I feel like you're overselling it now. I'm done. I'm quiet. You did a great job on the podcast Nia. Thank you. I don't feel like it was me. No, no, they're going to love you. You trashed me two times. You gave me like the

trashing of the year twice on one fucking podcast. All right. That's cool. I can love with that. I always know when there's something going on with you. I always know there's something going on with you. I don't know what the fuck it is because I'm always right because I'm always right. Fine. You're not. You're a fucking mess. You're freaking out about the holidays. I know you are. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. That's the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the podcast. Bill Burr, a white male, signing off with Nia Hill, a black female. All right. Have a great couple of days. I'll check in on you. How about them apples? Perfect. You're crushing it. All right. I'll see you.