Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-19-11

Episode Date: December 20, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Christmas Music, the Holidays, and the C-note HOF

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. Did you get your holiday shopping done?

Oh my god! What am I going to get, Masi? What are you going to get her? And a better question. Why are you going to get her something? Huh? Why are you guys falling into this fucking shit? Why can't you be an independent moron

thinker like myself? I haven't bought anybody shit this year. Just because I haven't had time to. So now I have to go where I don't want to go. I have to go out into the malls today. The second I'm done with this motherfucking podcast

I got to go out to the malls. I got to go out there and look at the people with their fat fucking stretchy pants. You know? Those big, giant plastic bags of shit. For what? What? You know?

This is a question I have for you. I have a couple. I got nieces and nephews. I'll buy shit for them. But there's got to be some sort of just cut off age. You know? Like, I don't know.

13? What's your 13? It's like fucking grow up. Fucking got all these people in my life. They're 30's and 40's. I'm sitting there going what do they want for Christmas? Am I going to get you a bicycle? You know?

You can't fucking believe what somebody asked me for. Somebody older just got married. They asked me to get him a panini press. You fucking go get it yourself. Asshole. The fuck? I wouldn't even sell one of those.

Ah, down there at the douche store. I'm supposed to go down there. Aprons are us. I don't even know where they sell one of those fucking things. Give me a fucking panini press. What kills me is they live like three states away. It's like fucking mail

in a pile of bricks. Goddamn posters just gonna cost more than the fucking panini thing. I really like a toaster. Go buy one. What people ask you for non-exciting gifts. It's either completely non-exciting

or it's something down there at that fucking dead cunt store. Um a fucking i-store. Apple store. The Apple store. Everybody wants something from there. I want an iPad. Can you give me an iPad? Oh, you mean that thing that's not quite a laptop? That's what you want. Which is eventually

gonna be a laptop in six months. That's what you want. You want one of those. Just so you can be scrolling around on the plane. So you can keep up with the other cunts. You know? So six months from now when they come out with the better one that's almost a laptop but not quite there.

Then you're gonna want that one for your birthday. Yeah. Listen to me. Bitch moaning and complaining like I'm not like I'm not gonna go write the fuck down there and go do it. Ah, shit. I gotta blow my nose. Hang on a second. Alright, I'm back. I know what you're thinking. Bill, I thought it was just a cold.

You're still sick? What do you got? What do you got Ebola? No, I don't. I just been on the road. I've been on the road for three fucking weeks. Three weeks straight. Is that a spider? It's a dead spider. You know, I don't fuck with spiders. You know, I look at them

as a necessary part of nature. When I have a spider when I bite into a York peppermint paddy when I have a spider in my house I just let it do its thing.

Kills bugs, right? What do you rather have? Dead spider in 20 bugs or just one fat spider hanging in the corner. That's how I look at it. I mean, you know, I don't like any of them. I don't want any of them in my house. But if I had to choose, I sound like a racist right now

talking about my neighborhood except I'm talking about bugs. Let me tell you right now, I'd rather have one of them fucking spiders than ten of them goddamn flies. Goddamn flies ruin the fucking neighborhood since those fucking flies moved in.

Buzzing all over the place with their fucking music. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning podcast and is this one of the last ones of the year? I believe it's gotta be. Well, there's one more. There's one more Monday. And so this is Monday.

And what have you done that I fucking hate that song? All the Christmas songs put you in a good mood. You know? Right? Except for Silver Bells.

Silver Bells just, you know, takes my, you know, if I was a fighter, you know what a fighter loses its legs, loses his legs and he just can't even fucking just got no gas left. That's what Silver Bells does to me. Silver Bells

Silver Bells is driven by me, me, me, me me. And you're like, oh my god, are they gonna pick up the tempo? Maybe they're gonna pick up the tempo. Ring a ring. You know? There's a few songs out there

that make me hate being white and that's one of them, you know? Other than that, you know, pretty cool being white. It's a good fucking gig. You know? Another time that you just really, I don't know, that I find that I hate white people

is when I listened to Ray Charles' version of that song, Georgia. You know? And the song's fucking amazing. It gives me chills how great he sings the song and then right in the middle of it, these fucking

three white bitches and I can say that because I'm white. They come in and they just ruin the fucking song with their background singing. You know, he's all I'll reach out to me. I don't butcher in it.

Something, something, smile, tenderly still it's peaceful dreams I see. Whoa, respect to you. All right. Something like that. And these fucking bitches in the background

they go, Georgia my, my oh. Right in the middle of it. Why would you do that? You might as well have just dropped my version of Ray Charles singing and singing

that song right in there. They absolutely ruin that song. I remember back when I had this piece of shit for fucking 83 Ford Ranger two wheel drive long bed factory wheels and hubcaps big neon sign saying please

don't fuck me blinking on and off in front of the windshield a little bit of rust on the passenger side. And I when I used to listen to that on cassette, you know, because that was happening just like Patrick Swayze in the beginning of the fucking that movie made about

being a bouncer. What the fuck Roadhouse, right? I used to listen to that fucking song and right before those fucking goddamn whiteies would start singing, I would turn it down

and I would just count three one thousand and then I would turn it back up so all I heard was Ray. You know, I heard that Ray Charles was notoriously difficult and when you know, and you start to believe that shit, but then when you listen to that recording it's like, yeah, obviously why wouldn't it be difficult?

Because he had to go to those studios and fucking people would do shit like that to his songs. Do you think I'm exaggerating, by the way? That that's the way they sing it? You know what, if that's what you think you motherfucker because it's Christmas and what have you done? Fuck you, John Lennon.

What the fuck are you done? Why don't you come back when you got that goddamn bitch in line? She's fucking up all the recordings. She can't sing. She can't play anything. She's in the fucking way. We get it. You like fucking her. Do it at home.

Sorry. Um... I put that fucking song right up there that Phil Collins singing about the homeless. Do they know they're homeless? How the fuck does that song go?

What the fuck did that... Where the fuck do you get off owning a castle? Talking to me. Telling me to remember the homeless. Huh? Why don't you remember the homeless next time you're having a threesome while someone's doing a fucking keyboard solo and you're keeping 80% of the door

and fucking paying that guy as a hired gun? All right, there? Forever balding? Who took longer to go bald? Him or Jack Nicholson? I almost say Jack Nicholson every time. What am I looking up here? Let's go on YouTube, all right?

Just for all you people out there who think I'm self-hating here because I'm trashing white people. I'm not trashing us straight across the board, okay? I went to Arizona and back and like fucking roundtripped like two hours thanks to white people. You know?

And they're fucking airplanes. Um... Anyways, what am I doing here? Let's see, here we go. Ray Charles. Ray... Charles... I got to type with one index finger because I'm holding onto the microphone. You know what's fucked up?

You know the day you become a man? Uh, a more of a man, more of a disgusting, less refined man is the first time you blow your nose without Kleenex, you know? Like you're running a marathon or something. You just do that. It's fucking unreal.

It's scary the first time you do it. You know? You're like, where exactly is this gonna go? Alright. How the fuck do you spell Georgia? I don't know how to spell Georgia. I spelled it G-E-O-R-G-I-A

That can't be right. I've been to that state. Come on. There we go. That's how you spell it. Alright, Georgia on my mind. Is this gonna be it? Is this the original one? It's just live. I fucked this.

I gotta hit pause. I gotta hit pause. Alright, I can't find the fucking thing. All they got is live versions all over the place, you know? Ah, whatever. What are you gonna do? You know what I'm saying? They fucking ruin it. And then I went and I go on YouTube and I try and figure out what the where the fuck it is.

And I can't find it and I just killed my entire flow. Nice going, Bill. Nice fucking going. What was I doing? I was screaming about John Lennon. Oh, this has gotta be frustrating to you guys as listeners. Really? I was talking about blowing my nose. Speaking of which,

you know, I just took my dog out and I just fucking... Seriously. Why am I talking about blowing your nose without Kleenex? Alright. Now that I've lost all the female listeners, let's talk about something here

that absolutely fucking enrages me. As opposed to everything else that keeps me so nice and fucking calm. Somebody sent me a story. This is unfucking believable. Some guy goes to jail. Alright?

For rape. Listen to this, a man who spent 25 years and for a crime he did not commit. Alright? He went to jail for for the rape of some woman. And in 2008, after DNA proved he could not

have been the attacker, he was awarded $4 million compensation. That's what he got. $4 million. And sex offenders get treated the worst in prison. Alright? So that guy

you know, let's just say he was just some regular dude. He's like a fucking, you know, construction worker. Maybe he took a couple of karate classes, whatever. Now he's in fucking Thunderdome. People want to beat him down. Somebody's going to try to rape him or something. We've all seen

Shawshank Redemption. This is what this guy went through for 25 fucking years and he didn't even do it. He didn't even fucking do it. So they give the guy $4 million. He knows something, those pieces of shit that Shawshank or motherfuckers are going to come in and tax him and hit him

for half of that. You know, that should be tax fucking free. But here's where it gets worse. Alright? The guy faces a court battle to keep hold of the money he was awarded for his wrongful conviction.

Um... Because now his ex-wife who divorced him three years into his life's sentence has taken him to court in a bid to get a share of the $4 million compensation. She claims he owes her

the money that she would have been entitled to had they divorced and shared their assets. Can you fucking believe this shit? This guy went to jail for the worst fucking

crime. Alright, one of them. It's got to be up there if you want to fucking argue about it, right? He didn't even do it. He's sitting there going, honey I didn't do this. She got to stick by my side. She hangs in there for three years. Go fuck yourself.

I'm out of here. What do you think she's been doing for the last fucking 22 years? As far as I can tell, besides not working on a career, she's been out there sucking a whole bunch of other dicks.

That's what she's been doing. So now it turns out that this motherfucker didn't do it. She's stuck by his fucking side. Stuck by his fucking side. This right here is a Hollywood movie. But she fucking left. Alright?

She left until her stank and puss smelt all that fucking money. And this is what I want to know. Why isn't this fucking show on the view right now? On one of those shows with all the ladies?

Why isn't it on those shows? Why do they constantly show only guys doing shit to women? You know? I get it. Some fucking psycho throws acid on his ex-girlfriend. You got to expose that guy. You got to teach people about that shit.

But how about a little bit of fair and balanced reporting? You think they're going to go after this fucking thing? You think if those fucking whores saw this story in the green room you think they'd be like, ah, you know what? Maybe we should talk about this. They're never talking about shit like this.

All they do is talk about when bad shit happens to women. And if I, like this shit here that I'm talking about would come off as fucking misogynistic. Hatred towards women. It's unreal. Well, you're taking this isolated incident and then you know I'm not.

This isn't an isolated incident. Sugar shame Mosey's getting a divorce. One of the greatest boxes of all time. His ex-wife not only taking his fucking money, alright? She wants the championship belts too and she was awarded them. This kind of shit happens all

the fucking time. Unfucking believable. Can you f- and I'll tell you what the funny thing is she's going to get some money. Get some money out of it. The same way you hold the door for them, they don't pay for their fucking drinks. They turn around and get hammered, throw

a drink in your face and then the bouncer puts you in a chokehold, drags you out and then you go to court for disturbing the fucking peace. And what the fuck does she do? She's, she's in there feeling justified, wondering if, if, you know, she has

a lawsuit against you because she dislocated her elbow when she threw a beer bottle at your fucking head. Unfucking believable. I swear to God, if I could do life over again, I would be a judge. You know? And I would have a whole briefcase

full of hammers because by the end of the day I would throw them at so many of these cunts fucking heads. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know, you know, I couldn't. Then I would just be he hates women, I would be disbarred within two seconds. I would love to be a judge.

Lady, you might be the most. If I could throw someone in prison for being an absolutely reprehensible incurable fucking money grub and whore, it would be you. But I can't. The law does not allow me.

So why don't you do me a favor? In a room full of perverts and scumbags you are the worst. So get out of my fucking courtroom and make it a little cleaner. You fucking piece of shit. I don't know.

This isn't even funny anymore. That's just absolutely fucking ridiculous. What's even more ridiculous is the lack of national exposure a story like that's gonna get. So you know it? So let's keep it tally, shall we? We'll start with the sugar

shame, Mosley. Something, you know, he's going through a divorce. She also has to get the fucking championship belts. You know, why? Because they match your fucking shoes or because it's a vindictive mood and she's trying to break a man. You know? We'll go with like the lighter ones. Kobe Bryant's getting a divorce. Okay? He's

worth 380 million. That means his fucking wife is gonna get 190 million. Probably can't hit a layup on a fucking nerve hoop set. You know? And a bunch of broads will be like, yeah, she's entitled to it. She supported him.

Unfucking believable. Just robbing these guys fucking blind. What about that goddamn yellow diamondy barter? Why don't you go take that down to a pawn shop and live off that for the rest of your fucking life? Alright, they have ringless

unfucking believable. How many more men are gonna get sliced in half with these fucking... it's unbelievable. It's unfucking believable and they don't do any stories about it. And when you bring it up

well, you know, we shouldn't have married her. Yeah, she should have ducked. What if I said that, right? That I'm a fucking asshole? Bill, where did the Christmas go? What happened to the holidays? Georgia? Fuck, I can't believe I gotta go Christmas shopping.

Unbelievable. Alright, so there you go. If you want to look up that story, we actually got that story from a great website called Bar Stools Sports. It's all Boston shit, so just to warn you if you're a sports fan of other sports.

But, you know, they do have stories like this. Alright? The guy's name Steven Phillips. His ex-wife is named Tracy Trucker. What a cunt. Dude, that is first ballot hall of fame cunt right there.

No question. We're waving the five year rule. You're going right in. Oh, speaking of sports technically I'm not allowed to talk about them this week. Not even technically literally. I'm not allowed to because the pool

I'm in with Paul Verzi. You know, we picked four games a week. End of the year whoever, you know, has the best record, you win 100 bucks. It's no big deal. If you go 4-0, the other guy owes you 25 bucks. You know, that's called the unimaginable. If you go 0-4

that's called the unthinkable. I have never done the unthinkable. Verzi's done it twice. I've gone 4-0 twice. Verzi's never done it. But, if you gamble long enough, this shit hits the fan and this week I did

the unthinkable. Practically the impossible. I've been on four games and not only did I not beat the spread on one of them none of my teams even won the fucking game.

Granted, it was a crazy week with the chiefs beating the Packers and the Colts finally winning and Jesus finally not taking Tim Tebow's phone calls. You know, it was definitely a weird week. But still, how

does one go 0-4? It's an absolute fucking embarrassment. So this is the thing, I was up 6 and a half games on Verzi with 12 to go. Alright, and he said before yesterday started, he goes, what I need is an absolute

September 2011 Red Sox collapse out of you. So what do I do? I go 0-4. I try to help the guy out. But what does Paul Verzi do? How does he respond? He went 0-3.

He went 0-3 so tonight who does he got? He took the 49ers given 3. Alright? So on a week when I did the unthinkable I went 0-4. He could actually pick up 4 games.

Alright? He could have picked up 4 fucking games. And only been 2 out. And just had an unbelievable fucking comeback. What does he do? He goes 0-3. What I can do is lose a game. Lose a game, I'll be up 5

with 8 to go. What's wrong with, what is wrong? I want you guys to ask Paul Verzi. You know? What is, what is he waiting for? He has a fierce success. This is who I picked if you're interested.

I took the fucking Green Bay Packers. I'm not fucking with the Chiefs anymore. If I bet on them, they don't show up. If I bet against them, they're world beaters. So I took the fucking Green Bay Packers.

I took the Giants at home playing the Redskins. They're playing for the playoffs. Redskins got nothing to lose and they got Rex Grossman. Anything beyond 17 yards he's throwing it up for grabs. Given 5 and a half. No biggie. I'll take the Giants. There's a fucking win.

They get their asses kicked. Now this is the only dumb one I had. You know? I didn't even look, I didn't even realize the Bears starting quarterback wasn't playing. You know? And I was like, the Bears got a good defense.

I think Pete Carroll's a pussy. Or maybe it's just because he wears those dockers. I say the Bears, the Bears are going to cover. I didn't realize that their starting quarterback wasn't it. Not to say that if their starting quarterback wasn't it, I would have taken Seattle. I would have stayed away from that game. You know?

Fucking Panthers have been making me money for fucking weeks. Stay away from those guys. They come in and kick the shit out of them. And then finally I had to pick between the Ravens and the San Diego Chargers. You know? And who knows what the fuck

the Chargers are. Are they this team? Are they that team? And I'm like, whatever. The Ravens are consistently a good defensive team. I'm going to take these guys. Joe Flacco whatever. Maybe he'll get something done. So I take the fucking Ravens and they get raped. Fucking raped.

Who the fuck did Versey take? Versey took Tim T. Bowen Jesus to beat Tom Brady and Satan, Bill Belichick. Or at least some people consider him Satan. And you know, the devil always wins on earth people.

I don't know if you realize that. So he lost that one. Like the Jets. They got raped. Who else did he take? It's somebody else in there. Oh, he had to fucking he had the Arizona Cardinals

playing the Browns given six. I was actually at that game. I went to that. That's a legendary stadium. That's where the fucking undefeated Patriots lost to Eli Manning who I was convinced was going to make the playoffs

and go on another run and beat the undefeated Packers in Green Bay and then go on to win another Super Bowl and he would be bigger than Joe Namath in New York and bigger than his brother at home. That's what I thought was going to happen. And now I don't even fucking know. So who knows?

So I'm hoping tonight Versey goes 0-4 and I'm going to fucking laugh my ass off wipe my brow and then you know what's funny? I didn't even win one game and my magic number will be down to fucking two at that point. Who knows? That'll be two years in a row that I beat first.

So don't email Versey this week. Wait till I win. If I win at this point. Jesus Christ. 0-4. So I can't talk anymore sports this week. You know? All I will say is that Tim Tevo looks like the lead singer of that dude in Mumford & Sons.

He's in better shape and way less annoying. I don't like that guy stomping around. You know? You know? Quit stomping your fucking foot it's annoying. Anyways, alright diet tip. Hello Bill.

Hello Bill. I've been hearing you bitch about staying in shape and eating right for a while now and I thought I could help you out. Good dude. I'll take any help you got. You know in order to eat right you don't have to eat like a pussy. Oatmeal and what not.

Why is oatmeal eating like a pussy? Oh my god. He's gonna go old school. Real men eat barbecue. Yeah. That's what you do. You shove a cow up your ass. That's right. And then you have cancer. And then you fucking die when you're 50.

Like fucking Vince Lombardi. You gonna be one of those guys? With this short sleep dress shirt guy. Dude tell me how to die like they did in the 1940's. Here we go. What I'm saying is I found a way to eat awesome shit and stay in shape. It's called

intermittent fasting or lean gains. Don't you love that he said I'm eating like a pussy. Alright. And then he's gonna say now he eats like a supermodel. This is a supermodel diet. Yeah. I know.

You go and you get to eat fucking barbecue and then you go puke behind a dumpster or you just sit there and you don't eat. You know? Like one of those big raccoon I fucking uh fucks that disease called anorexic girls. You know?

Those little skeletal girls. Okay. So what do I have to do? Basically what you do is create an eight hours fasting window and when I say fasting I mean oh feasting window. When I say feasting I mean eating like a monster

and 16 hours of fasting. You can drink diet soda or coffee or tea without sugar, water and stuff in the 16 hour window of fasting. Yeah. Jesus. If you're interested check this website. leangains.com. It has lots of info.

Anyways the podcast is awesome. You love this shit he's just trying to help me out. But you started it dude you called me a pussy. And you know me I'm defensive. I'm always gonna fucking react. Why is eating oatmeal a fucking, well that's not a pussy move. You know what's a pussy move? If you get it if you make oatmeal and then you put brown sugar

in it and some blueberries and all that type of shit. I just fucking throw it in the bowl. I eat like a goddamn fucking prisoner of war. That's how I start my day. I don't know you know what I've actually read some shit about fasting that's actually good for your digestive

track to give it a break you know most people just called eight hours of sleep. But I heard it's actually good you kind of give everything else a rest but your digestive tract is kind of like it's kind of like the subways of New York

you know I mean the trains run less frequently at night if you know what I'm saying disgusting wait this guy's from Macedonia and he goes oh yeah I speak better English than you. Of course you do

it's because we have a fucking better economy if you guys had nuclear weapons in a good economy our economy sucks I would speak Macedonian you know I'm really sick of these fucking cunts who think they're absolutely brilliant because they can speak more than one language

you know what I mean it's really not that fucking impressive you know if you if you live in America and you learn to speak more than one language that's fucking impressive because you don't need to you you learn to speak fucking

English because you had to you think I'm sitting around listening to any podcast from fucking Macedonia I don't even know where the fuck it is Macedonia that sounds like some fucking shit that got washed away by the ocean

the fuck is that something a part of the world Republic of Macedonia is that near Madagascar I only know Madagascar because they made a fucking cartoon about it alright let's look it up on the map please and I know a lot of you are laughing

a lot of you don't even know where the fuck it is either was this part of the eastern block oh go fuck yourself you won't even have a goddamn country when I was a kid no wonder I don't know you you know what you guys are like an expansion franchise the goddamn Jacksonville Jaguars are fucking

older than your country it's not true we will call Macedonia before fucking Stalin well you lost you fuck I don't give a shit it's like you fell off the wagon it starts over again I'm actually decent with geography you guys won't believe me

I'd start naming some countries but you wouldn't believe me because you think I'd be looking at a map where the fuck am I going let me get back to the goddamn podcast alright let's plow ahead here dilemmas dilemmas how far into this podcast are we 31 goddamn minutes

alright dilemmas hey Bill do you think you could run faster if someone stole something really important from you and you were chasing them down the street or if you stole something from someone else and you were the one being chased oh that's not really a dilemma

but that's a great fucking question um that all comes down to what was stolen from me or what I stole if I robbed a fucking bank I could outrun Bo Jackson because I have that level of fear of going to

prison Bo Jackson back in the day by the way um if somebody stole something really important somebody stole my fucking dog yeah I could probably yeah I would say if someone stole my dog that would be if someone stole something

else I would give him a good chase for two blocks and be like yeah I'll fucking buy another one you know I don't know dude that's not a dilemma okay number two somebody gave me a great one this week they said what would you rather do would you rather

that was last week I can't even fucking remember somebody said would you rather marry a stripper or have your daughter become one no that was last week right I don't fucking remember alright number two would you rather be part of be part

start over Bill just relax take a deep breath would you rather be at a party full of people you hate and have to conduct small talk with every one of them for the entire night on a public bus for an entire week you have to eat your meals

and sleep on the bus and you can get off at the depot to use the toilet yeah dude what that's a week of hell versus the fucking an entire night yeah that was an easy one there's really no dilemmas this week that was fucking that was an easy week

be at a party I'm always at parties full of people I hate I hate going to parties you know especially if they're theme parties we're all going to dress up I don't want to do that shit you know now this podcast where did it die

where did it fucking die um advice you know what's funny the douche bag of the week last week was going it died with the dilemmas I told you they suck um high five yourself sir um advice Bill just wanted to say I went to Carnegie Hall

and loved your show I'm new to the podcast and I want your advice on a lady that used to be a huge part of my life okay here we go so I'm a pasty white guy from the Bronx and I went out with a Dominican chick

for five years during which I learned Spanish fluently so I could speak to her parents who didn't speak English see that there you go there's an American doing it because he had to um and for the first three and a half years of relationship I fell deeply in love

with her well he writes what a fag you're not a fag that's a good thing and respected her reasons for not having sex during those first three and a half years oh gee so skip forward a bit I started thinking

she might be the one and she graduated college and got an offer to teach English in Japan first off I don't know how someone doesn't have a full grasp of the language someone who doesn't have a full grasp of the language herself can teach others but that's for them to deal with

so she said it was only going to be for a year and she wanted to stay together a few months past and she says oh god now dude she's slowly breaking up with you anyways few months past and she says they wanted to stay another year

and that she wanted to go off on some hippie trip to Africa so I told her to go fuck herself good for you my question is how to explain to everyone how much of a selfish cunt this girl is

because for some reason everyone thinks she's a saint did you tell him the story he goes I look like the asshole especially when that typhoon slash earthquake slash armageddon hit Japan last year and people are asking me how she was and I said fuck knows maybe dead

I fucking love this guy now this bitch is coming home after 3 years over there and won't stop trying to contact me over facebook for some reason she can't understand how selfish she was how do I explain to this cunt how fucked up she is

thanks for your advice billy boy alright this is what we really need to discuss here how do you feel about her do you still love her alright if you do I don't know what to tell you

because she fucked you over she fucked you over you don't do that to somebody alright I'm gonna go off to Japan it's only gonna be for a fucking year you hang around for a year and then after the years up I'm gonna go to fucking Africa

and go traipse around there she really didn't want to come back and see you at that point in your life and now she's done suckin the fucking rainbow of dick she probably has since she left you and believe me

she has because women don't count that over the sea shit I think chris rock had a bit about that she's talking true now she's coming back to you so this is what I'll tell you alright fuck people who don't understand how you feel about this girl

fuck them alright you know how you feel about this girl now I don't know how you feel about this girl all I know is how you're telling me you feel about her so that's all I can go with you're telling me fuck this cunt I don't like her anymore

I don't have you giving me alright it sounds like she's contacting you on facebook and you're having conversations with her she keeps contacting you which would indicate to me that you still either have some sort of unresolved anger or you still like this girl

at which point you gotta figure that shit out but if you really don't like this girl you don't like this girl I'm telling you alright you gotta cut this girl out of your life you can't talk to her on facebook you can't have this girl come back in your life that's what my guts tell me

you can't fuck this girl dude what are you doing she just kicked you in the fucking balls pulled out your heart showed it to you giggled in your face and then went off to Africa to fuck the zulu nation okay

which is her fucking prerogative now she's coming back alright and she's contacting you again you fucking sailor she's got a different dick in every port and now she's coming back oh no no baby

don't be like that you know back of her hand rubbing the side of your cheek go fuck yourself go fuck yourself she just wants a ride to the airport all the way up to fucking 167th fucking street under the George Washington bridge tell her to go there herself

alright with all her fucking world traveling money my gut tells me do not get back together with this girl don't there's other fish in the sea and they don't go across the sea and say that they're coming back and then don't come back

and then go over more seas and then go fuck some land fish that didn't make any sense but you know what the fuck I'm talking about alright come on man step outside this shit look what she's doing she's coming back to town she's coming back to town like a fucking sailor

she got to come in on a tall ship with one of those little fucking hats on fuck that dude alright if she breaks your heart again don't fucking write to me because you deserve it you don't deserve it nobody deserves it but come on alright that's what I would say oh what did he say for some reason she can't understand

how selfish she was that's because she's selfish how do I explain to this cunt how fucked up she is dude yeah look at you man you're you're allowing her to suck you back into her life fuck that this is how you explain how much of a cunt she was you stop taking her fucking calls you stop taking her

her emails on facebook dude she's gonna fucking do it to you again like that bitch does to fucking Charlie Brown Charles M. Schultz was trying to teach you a lesson when you read those cartoons that's what that whole story is about every time he comes in to kick the football and she pulls it away Charles M. Schultz was trying to say

a cunt is a cunt is a cunt alright but you just can't say that back in the day you couldn't put that in a newspaper number two Bill I've been hearing you bitch about this is the same shit

this was also an advice and in diet tips Jesus Christ alright overrated underrated for the week alright overrated take it off take it off on a Friday now that it's the end of the year every one of my job has to burn off the rest of their vacation

holiday slash personal days by the end of the year so I checked the calendar and they are all taking Fridays off granted getting a day off kicks ass but isn't Friday the best day of the work week oh that's overrated taking Friday off isn't Friday the best day of the work week

oh that's overrated taking Friday off isn't Friday the best day of the work week everyone's in a good mood looking forward to the weekend and you're sitting on your couch doing nothing which leads me to underrated taking off on Monday look at this guy thinking outside the box

good for you good for you why is this not a better option first Monday is the worst day of the week you can get as shit faced as you want while watching footballs for 12 hours on Sunday but you'll show up on Tuesday bright-eyed and bushy tail

this guy's got a great theory here it's fucking great besides when you were hungover on Monday it isn't work the last place you want to bleep, want to be plus not only did you get a day off but you only got a four day work week ahead of you

thanks to all my idiot co-workers taking up all the Fridays I don't have to experience a single Monday for the rest of the month dude that is awesome this guy's a genius the added bonus is that I get to listen to the Monday morning podcast

in the comfort of my home instead of hold up in my office I finally moved up from the cubicle good for you sir now this is how you add to your happiness alright you find a girl who will celebrate Valentine's Day on February 15th

you know you get some drinking buddies that don't want to go out on St. Patrick's Day see what I'm saying yeah run with the herd when it's good to be with the herd alright but when they're going over the cliff

you just slow down stand to the side and watch them all go over fuck that that's fucking genius yeah Monday's the worst actually you know what I find is the worst fucking day of the week is Tuesday Monday I was always so fucking stunned

that my life with the realization that my life still sucked like wow I really still work here I was so fucking stunned but by the time I realized the time I came through was already lunch hour it was Tuesday Tuesday was

the day when the reality of my life sunk in hang on the lovely Nia everybody the fence guy is here and he wants to talk to me oh for fuck's sakes hang on a second everybody I have to talk to the fence guy alright and I'm back

the fence guy Jesus Christ I didn't even mention that I finally ended up buying a freaking house out here you know and uh you know nothing crazy I finally got out from fucking

that crazy old guy I was living above and uh then you get a house you think okay no more crazy guy no more crazy guy and then it just becomes one fucking thing after another uh you got termites in your fence

you got locusts on the roof I'll tell you you know what the problem is is your hot water heater is leaking into your dryer now I don't know did this work before just tell me how much it is

well you see what you got here is you have uh you have galvanized pipe up to here and you have copper to here now I mean it's up to you but the discoloration in the water oh Jesus

the amount of times since I got this place that I've been thinking of the money pit and Tom Hanks watching that bathtub go through the fucking floor I don't know fucking you know that's why I'm working three weeks in a row everybody I'm back on the fucking hook back on the hook

he's a working stiff um whatever that's gonna cost me a fucking fortune I do everything first class though I don't know if you guys know that I don't buy a lot of shit but when I do it I fucking do it right I pay somebody else to do it

hahahaha hahahaha that's what I do and I got a good gauge whether I'm getting fucked or not first guy who came over here he had that little eh what can I tell you today to get you in this fucking bathtub tomorrow he had that vibe

so he did one day work and I was like go fuck yourself then I asked around to some other homeowners and uh you know I'm gradually assembling my fucking A team here as far as people

uh it's fun though when you have something fucked up with your house and then you just have people coming and put bids on it and you just yeah okay what do you got what can you do this for huh what do I gotta pay you you know but I definitely

I don't do that shit where I get people who aren't um you gotta be licensed so I pay more money but I'm not dealing with you know you go down to the fucking home depot you know all those goddamn refugees down there God bless them they work harder than I do but I swear to God

they will just you know you should have seen the wiring in this fucking house I swear to God it looked like uh it looked like goddamn jungle and I actually brought in an electrician

who was licensed and it was the funniest fucking thing because he'd be underneath the house in the crawl space they don't have basements out here so they got crawl spaces so he's underneath the house like every 20 minutes I would just hear him under the house going like what the

fucking are you shitting me you gotta be and I would just be upstairs laughing no one it's costing me a fortune but it's worth it because I don't have to be under the house I don't know how to fucking do it even if I did I don't have to

try and figure out what the fuck some unlicensed I mean me as a goddamn novice I walked under the house and I was going like you gotta be fucking kidding me I don't know what that is but there's no way that that isn't up to code dude I actually had

I went under the house and I could smell gas they had like two fucking gas lines that weren't properly capped it wasn't just openly it was just sort of seeping up unfortunately we get a great crosswind here so we lit a fire

we didn't fucking blow the place up but we had some fucking issues this is what I've learned in the few months of having a house having a house is like buying a classic car you know you don't know what the fuck

the last person did to it it looks awesome you know but guarantee you know there's been a lot of donuts a lot of burnouts some neutral drops and you're gonna have to pay for it so I'm gradually getting this place fucking ship shaped so hang on a second

why don't I be a gentleman and hit pause when I fucking blow my nose that's what I'm gonna do hold on so anyways yeah I'm gradually gonna get this fucking place in in mint condition keeping it looking

like you know the same way if I ever got a classic car I would do it I would keep it looking like an old car but you know underneath the hood it would be like all that brand new shit you know um I don't fucking know

that guy that guy's relentless man we have like a fence that I share with a neighbor and it had termites in it I guess technically it was their fence you know and some termites come up from the ground others have wings like fucking Jordan and they just fly under your fucking

house fucking oh my god I don't even want to talk about it so I think we've alleviated the problem this fucking guy's gonna come and he's wiping out the whole fence he's putting down this other kind of wood

that I guess termites don't really like I don't fucking who the hell knows I have no idea all I know is it's gonna be a brand new fucking fence and everything that gets fixed is one less thing I have to fix although I have done some of the shit I did all the locks you know that's not true had a guy come in and he taught

me how to do the locks and I did some of them he did the others but I've been going down and going down to this hardware store and they got these you know we got those old fashion handles so the spindles are really basically

stripped on a lot of them so I've been gradually fucking replacing those starting small you know whatever I tell jokes I'm good at that shit so I'm not gonna fuck up my own goddamn house so what I'm saying is I'm gonna be coming to a city near you

sometime soon sometime soon because I got a fucking house to pay for now I got a nice healthy level of debt I'm helping keeping the economy rolling speaking of which what are you guys doing for New Year's yeah

would you like to go to an unbelievable comedy show I bet you would are you in the San Francisco Bay Area do you got a lady who wants somewhere to go I'm gonna be up there New Year's Eve I'll be performing in San Francisco, California

and I will not only me will be on the show also the legendary David Tell star of the new hit show on Showtime Dave's Old Porn so it's David Tell myself

the daily shows latest superstar Al Madrigal one of the funniest most original and fucking great dudes by the way the guy who hooked me up with my electrician and co-host of Minivan

Minivan Men podcast Al Madrigal will be on the show and I know what you're thinking like Jesus Christ that's almost too much show who else could there's no way they could somehow shoehorn another's major talent

what do you think you're playing with kids Hill we actually have the sensation is gonna be on the show for those of you don't know who the sensation is the teen idol sensation from the opian anthony program ladies and gentlemen the one and only

Joe DeRosa Fresh from his stay at the Malibu rehab center he was a little you know he suffered from exhaustion once again he's been released from his contract over at RCA and he's got a brand new

hour of material and you're gonna be seeing about 20 minutes of it Joe DeRosa the man born in the wrong time you ever watch those old fucking Hollywood movies that are in black and white and everybody walks around with the skinny ties and they're slapping girls on their asses in the office

and they're drinking scotch you know that's the era Joe should have been born in but the thing is Joe lies to himself and says that he would have been one of the cool guys but the reality is is he would have been down in the mail room looking like Jerry Lewis in the nutty professor

but don't tell him don't tell him that let him live that Sinatra fantasy let him walk around with his Dean Martin haircut you know his cat against sweater let him do that let him live the life and have a good time he's gonna be there

and I know what you're thinking well that's gotta be it Bill there's no other way they got another comedian on that show also well we actually do Philadelphia's own the storytelling king the Intercontinental Champion

from 2003 to 2005 Big J. Olcerson Big J. Olcerson remember Blackjack Mulligan I used to go on stage was at hacksaw I don't know the fuck his name the guy used to go on stage with a piece of 2x4 that dude actually stole that from

J. Olcerson J. Olcerson used to go on stage you know in one hand he held the microphone as he wielded his wielded his comedic magic and in the other hand he actually had a piece of 2x4 and it's just the kind of guy he was no one questioned it you know he just looked like you know

we all love Jay you know he has he's always reminded us of sort of a white trashy or Bob Seeger I'm just kidding all those guys are fucking they're awesome all right why don't I just say I'm just kidding like you actually thought that was serious I'm just trying

to say that's going to be an unbelievable show and it's going to be at the Knob Hill Mass Masonic Center I know everybody in England is laughing because they call each other knobs I think that means you're a fucking dickhead we're at the Dickhead Hill Masonic Center for those of you in England people here in the states

we're at the Knob Hill Masonic Center in San Francisco, California one show only New Year's Eve get your tickets to going fast and then I take two weeks off before I go out I'm going to Houston, Texas

on January 20th I'll be at the House of Blues and I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas and this is basically what's going down is me the redheaded bearded face douchebag as I'm getting ready to do another special

that I'm going to be taping March 3rd in Washington DC at a yet to be named theater unless somebody already named it I'm going to be getting ready to do another hour of stand up and I'm doing a little redneck tour to get ready

I got dates coming up in Charlotte I'm going to be playing the Stardom Theater in Birmingham, Alabama and then I'm doing a theater in Atlanta and that's right around February 9th I got to get those dates up on my website then I'm coming back around I'm doing the Fox Theater in Connecticut

the Bergen PAC in Englewood, New Jersey I'm going to be going through everywhere I'll be doing some shows in Los Angeles Westbury, New York, everywhere I'm going to be getting ready to do my next special so please come out and support me but as of right now come out to Nob Hill

whatever the fuck it's called the Nob Hill Masonic Center for that New Year's Eve party of stand up hilarity alright we have the link up at www.mooji.com and uh I think that's the podcast for this week

I believe that's it I hope all you guys enjoyed it I hope you all have a great week a wonderful Merry Christmas even though I know you're not supposed to say Merry Christmas I always say it Merry Christmas you know so many Jewish says Happy Hunnicah to me I don't get offended I know they don't mean it in a bad way

when I go to Hawaii and someone says hello I mean not hello they say fucking uh Aloha they just say hello I don't get mad at them say what's up that's what we say that's less offensive um so that's it and as always people

if you need a last second gift for Christmas please buy Patrice O'Neill's elephant in the room if you need a gift just to get somebody you can pre-order Patrice O'Neill's Mr. P on iTunes I can't stress that enough

the response to this has been overwhelming and like I said the money's going to his wife his mom his stepdaughter and they are overwhelmed with the support everybody's showing so please keep doing it it means the world to me that you guys responded the way that you did

and please keep doing it like I said it's on iTunes Mr. P I've already listened to some of the tracks I also pre-ordered it I can't wait to hear it um and when you get it please tell all your friends about Patrice O'Neill because people have to know who she was you know what I mean

um that's it you guys all have a good week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and uh if anybody's got some got some good football picks please send them to me and Paul Verzi because god knows we need the help considering we're 0 and 7 at this point alright see ya

Ikea Ikea