Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-19-16

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

Bill rambles about owning a Lion, computer updates and all time passing yardage.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 19th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus Christ, my fucking computer every five seconds. Do you want to download this? Do you want to do this now? Do you want to do it in an hour? Should I remind you later on tonight? Lady, give me some fucking space! Jesus Christ, these fucking goddamn... I don't know, man. I'm not into this shit at all. Just the level with which it's fucking... I guess because of technology, I am able to do this. You know, if it was back in the day, I would not be able to do this. What is this you ask? Maybe you didn't ask. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I'm putting words in your mouth. But if you did ask, you know, I'm doing a podcast. You know, I guess there's always a price to pay. I think that that's one to grow on. Maybe that's the lesson. I swear to God, I want to start a fucking church. I got to do it. You guys have been watching that woman from King of Queens. She played the beautiful wife, you know, to the guy who drives the truck. Well, they've always done sitcoms. The honeymooners. Hey, I fucking drive a bus. And you know, I'm the wisecrackin' pretty wife.

Well, Ralph, maybe if you weren't a fucking idiot, yeah, you wouldn't drive a bus. Hello, what are these days, Alice? The baby maker, right? So now what they did something like that little fucking icebox in the corner, you know, and then you get into the 60s, right? 60s was like the blue ball era of sitcoms. You know what I mean? You had I dream a genie and the fucking guy would he just wouldn't banger. I've talked about this shit before. I remember watching as a kid. It's like, why don't you like rubbing up against her or something? You know, I don't even know what sex was, you know, why? Because there was no internet. Now, if there was internet back when I was watching that show and I was like seven or eight, you know, I would have been like, why doesn't he, why didn't you learn fucking reverse doggy style over the fucking genie lamp? You know, I would know all this extra shit. That's what the fuck is wrong with kids nowadays. It's like they just, they get, I don't know, I'm going on an old man rant. They get on these fucking computers, right? Their parents are like me. They don't know how to work them. They're not even interested in them.

You know, we're in the fucking corner making homemade apple cider, getting ready for the holidays, you know, wearing a Christmas sweater that we think actually looks good. We're not wearing it ironically. Well, like, oh, this is my Christmas sweater. Joe, my fucking mother sewed this together for me when I was in high school. Still fits. You know, sweaters always still fits because they stretch. They like to sweat pants for your torso. You know, it takes a while. Like if you have a homemade sweater, you know, one of those lobster fisherman ones that your mom would make, you know, and she just give it to you in the bag that she bought the yarn in, you know, then one day you look at it and some fucking moth started eating at it. And you just like, is it the 1800s? Really? A fucking caterpillar learned, got its fucking pilot's license and now is eating my sweater. This is like so fucking 1826. How is this happening right now? For the love of God, mom, can you go to the rayon store?

You know, can you make me a fucking polyester knitted sweater? How about why don't you do that? Why can't you do that? I mean, Jesus Christ, there's fucking children doing it and sweatshops around the world. You're going to come at me with yarn? That's the problem with all the mothers nowadays, you know what I mean? They're having their fucking yarn. They just won't let go of it. I'm just fucking with you. What kind of woman knows how to knit anymore? You know, trying to find a woman that knows how to knit is like trying to find a guy that knows still knows how to hunt. You know what I mean? And that even goes for the fucking redneck. She's not doing it the way you fucking, you're way less fucking, I don't know what, four wheeler fucking ancestors hunted. I almost talked myself into a corner and I was like, I don't want to do the hacky, you know, saying your grandfather who first had sex with the fucking relative. You know, I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to go down that road. I didn't even know if that's true, but how the fuck did that start? You know what I mean? One fucking guy bangs his sister and then all of a sudden everybody out there that has a four wheeler is doing it.

You know what I mean? They can just take like they don't have Facebook. You don't have to be lonely. I like how they've gotten more aggressive on that farmers only when they've really just started shitting on fucking city folk. You know what I mean? City folk just don't get it and they still make themselves look stupid. City folk just don't get it. They could go with global warming. They could go with overpopulation. They could go with quality of air quality of life space. There's so many different directions that hey, you want to come back to my place and you go there. It's like some fucking city apartment. You know what I mean? We're like the kitchen is in the bedroom, you know, and the bed folds down from the wall and you could fucking attack them that way. You know what I mean? Some intruder trying to come through their window. They say to folks just don't get it and then they go to their spread, right?

Fucking got your own parking space. You're not driving around the block like fucking nine hours trying to find alternative side of the street fucking parking. There's all these different things. Water levels rising. You know, I saw this one of these man in the street things. I've been watching that channel vice. You guys watch the vice channel. It's a fucking great channel. Reminds me a lot of ways a little bit of MTV during the early days were like they had a lot of funny promo commercials. I don't know why more fucking networks don't do that because, you know, he usually fast forward to turn the channel when there's a commercial. But they got like, they have funny fucking commercials like there's some talk show on there. These two black dudes, right? At least one black dude and one guy sort of Puerto Rican maybe. Or maybe he's light skinned. I don't know. I'm too white to understand, right? So they do a talk show. So they're hyping it and they're showing like the New York City, you know, skyline like they always do before a talk show.

And it was, I'm going to fuck up the joke. It was something like no big guests, no band, no audience, no white dudes. And then they cut to the promo when somebody comes out, you know, I don't know what the fuck was I was watching. I was like, this is funny. This looks like way back in the day when I would see like Randy of the Redwoods, Jim, the taxi driver, you know, they would have like funny promos. I don't know why they ever got away from that. But anyways, oh, speaking of that, speaking of non whiteies, I saw a fucking frontman this weekend in a band. It was fucking unbelievable, right? I went down. The other day I did the dark matter podcast, which is Dave Navarro's podcast and had a great time on that. And afterwards they were like, yeah, hey, Dave's doing his show down at the Roxy. You want to come down Friday, Saturday night. I guess I mean, I'm in the dark here, literally no pun intended. I didn't know he did this just Christmas show every year. And it was like an all star lineup. You don't know who the fuck's coming out. And you just go to the show and then they just start bringing people out.

And so I went down there to go see the show. And I mean, I knew it was going to be good. Dude, it was fucking ridiculous. The amount of people that they had coming out, which of course I'm going to fucking forget the names and everything. But you just, you know, some will come out. This guy, they sang this dude sang the immigrant song and something else and fucking murdered it. I never even heard of the guy fucking murdered it. The band was unbelievable. Navarro was killing it. And then they then they brought out Macy Gray. And then she sang the fuck did she sing? She sang the Pretender's Brass in Pocket and then she sang Radiohead Creep. I was just like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And then they brought out Cypress Hill and no one was doing like their own style of music. Everybody would like switch it up. So then they bring out this, they give this fucking intro, which no performer wants to get. All right. The guy goes to do the intro and he just goes, uh, Billy Morrison was there just fucking everybody, right?

Goes, um, all right, this next guy, you know, people suggested him for this show. Uh, you know, first we were like, yeah, you know, we don't know. We don't know if he's right for the show. And then we saw him and he absolutely blew us away. Our jaws were on the ground. I'm telling you, this fucking guy is unbelievable. Yada, yada. And I'm thick. I was in the crowd going, oh, no, not that. That intro was the fucking word. You can't follow it. It's like in standup comedy. This guy is one of the best working commas today. He reinvented the mic stand. Fenty Murphy was still doing standup. He'd be asking this guy to rent from, you know, they start giving you a fucking intro like that.

You're just in the back like guy, hey, tone it down, tone it down, right? Dude, this guy came out and totally fucking lived up to it. This guy is a rapper. I mean, I don't know shit about hip hop or anything like this guy post Malone. So the guy on stage for whatever reason said this guy is responsible for Justin Bieber's career, right? Which I don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50 something year old white people, right? So this dude comes walking out and there's a few people bowing like, couple, you know, like five people because of the Justin Bieber thing. I love people in their 40s and 50s who fucking talk about how bad Justin Bieber's music is.

It's like, really? It doesn't speak to you. You're fucking dope. It's not for you. You know what I mean? It's like getting mad at the fucking, I don't want to insult the guy, but you know what I mean? It's for younger people. You know what I mean? I don't understand people getting in their 40s and 50s and they just, they don't understand that somebody's perspective as a 20 something year old is not going to seem like the same as theirs. And we're sitting there going like, what the fuck is he talking about? Like, that's bullshit. That's a stupid blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, yeah, that's what you did when you were that age.

And someday he'll be in his 40s and he'll look back at himself at 22, 23 going, what the fuck was I thinking? Right? Somehow like four or five people don't get it. They're literally bowing, you know, Justin Bieber at a show Justin Bieber isn't at. So this guy comes fucking walking out and he just walks up to the microphone and he goes, what's up LA? I'm drunk as fuck, right? So immediately the crowd just starts cheering and he goes, I, you know, I'm usually, you know, I'm a rapper. And everybody I was assuming in the crowd was like me going like, yeah, I'm completely unfamiliar with you. I am a white guy pushing 50. I have no idea who you are, right? So they start playing rage against the machine killing in the name of and I'm like, oh God, a rapper's going to sing. Do they got the auto tune on? You know, is this going to be like, is he going to have too much deodorant under his arms?

Like fucking LL Cool J when he did the unplug, what's going to happen here? Dude, this guy, this guy fucking murdered this song. Fucking murdered this song. Don't just took the whole thing to another level. And it never came back down again. Everybody else matched this guy. This fucking dude was unbelievable. He sang that song and then he sang Alice in Chains Wood and fucking murdered both of them. And you literally felt it in the crowd. Everybody on their phones going like, who the fuck is this guy? I got to download some of his shit.

Oh, here's hilarious things. So later on that weekend, I'm watching Vice and there's another funny promo. He's sitting there that guy post Malone right now sitting there with near gone. That's the fucking guy I saw. That's the guy that murdered that song. Those two songs, right? So he was talking about conspiracy theory. I don't even know what the commercial was about. It was just him talking to another guy. I tell you, it's very like early days of MTV. He was just talking about conspiracy theory and being able to teleport. And he was just going like, say here's area 51, right? Which of course he picks that rather than saying San Diego.

He goes, here's area 51 right here. Here's Australia. If you want to fly from area 51 to Australia, you got to fly all the way here. And he draws the arc too. He just didn't draw a straight line. Like someone actually understands aviation, right? Because this is what creeped me out. Because if he just drew a straight line, I'd be like, this guy's out of his mind. But the second he drew the arc, I'm like, oh fuck, I'm buying into this theory, right? And he goes, but with teleportation, they just do stuff like this. And he just takes the paper in the X where area 51 was and the X where Australia is.

He just takes the paper and he just folds it and he pushes them together. He goes, it's like that. He goes, I know you guys think I'm out of my mind, but I know this shit is true. And I was like, this guy's brain, that's what my brain tells me. So I don't know anything about any of his music, but I'm definitely going to download some of his shit. If anybody knows what his best album is or whatever, a good jump off point for that guy, it would be tremendous. So anyways, oh by the way, Navarro fucking killed the guitar solo on that too. I was wondering how the hell he was going to do it. Now, I don't know if they came up with an effects pedal that made the noise that the dude from fucking rage against the machine.

Because when he came out, he had all those weird sounds that he made. I don't know. I was in over my head musically about fucking 15 minutes ago, but whatever. And I want to thank everybody at Dark Matter for hooking me up to see that show. It was fucking great, man. Just a great goddamn show. Of course, I talked to Dean Delray, who sees everything. He goes, oh yeah, man. He goes, I went to that show at like the fifth anniversary, and it was like fucking Ozzy, Lemmy, and Steven Tyler. I was just like, oh fuck you, man. Fucking, you're never going to beat Dean Delray with the fucking, I went to a concert story.

Fucking guys seen everything. So anyway, so I'm watching this vice channel. I know I'm just plowing through this shit fucking all over the place. And my wife just kept, you know, recording this shit. She recorded something about like DJs. She recorded something about these, the fucking kids of those, you know, oil barons or whatever, oil money in Saudi Arabia. So we're watching both of these, right? The DJ thing, you know, is just something I'd seen before the show and how much money that they're making in Vegas. And it was funny, they were actually asking a couple of them what the future was.

And a few of them understood it, and a few of them are just like, yeah, it's never going to end. It's like, dude, at some point you're going to be the Bee Gees in January of 1980. It happens to all genres of music in the, in the so few bands figure out how to do it, how to age gracefully from one era to another. And like I was saying, like, I think I was talking about that. And I can't remember what fucking podcast is you have to. I don't know how to do it, but somehow you have to like your music has to age with you so you don't look like a fucking moron. Like Justin Bieber has got to write some fucking middle-aged shit when he's in his middle age, you know, because he can't be singing about whatever the whatever the fuck he sings about, you know what I mean? He looks stupid at 40, you know, and it makes everybody in the crowd feels old.

Then you start, my God, we're going to die, you know, you just see your mortality when they come out. I remember the first time that I saw that was when like 10 years ago when David Lee Roth came back with Van Halen and I went to go see Van Halen. I was like, oh my God, this is going to be fucking great. Right. I can't believe he's back. I saw Diamond Dave went on the eat him and smile tours. He's going to be throwing, you know, just think he's going to be throwing fucking kicks and jumping off the stage doing the fucking split. Right.

And, uh, dude, he came walking out on stage and I swear to within two. I was like, oh my God. And like within five seconds, I was like, oh fuck, he's old. I'm old. We're going to die. Everybody's going to die here. And I get like this wave of fucking depression just hit me, you know, until I really realized like, wait a minute, like, you know, guitarists and drummers don't get old. I mean, they do, but like, you know, they can still fucking, you know, if they have a technique or whatever, they can still fucking still fucking shred.

And I forgot that Eddie and Alex have been playing again for like 50 fucking years and they were unbelievable. The singer has it the worst because your voice naturally drops. And of course, everyone from my era actually fucking sang, you know, not to shit on Justin Bieber. But when I was watching that DJ thing on the vice channel, they fucking, um, he shows up at some, some pool party, you know, where everybody's fucking, you know, turning their cameras around doing selfies and the peace sign and the duck lips and all that shit. And he shows up to sing his song and he's just clearly fucking lip syncing. He's not even trying to do a good job and everybody's freaking out. There was a few times like he took the mic away from his mouth, pointed at the crowd. You could still hear him singing and nobody gave a shit.

There was no band. There was nothing. And all these YOLO douches were going fucking nuts. It's like, how is that acceptable? I don't know. That, that shit makes me feel a little like back in the day, if you ever got caught, Millie vanilla, the whole fucking, he milly, he milly and vanilla, his whole fucking way through that. Nobody gave a shit 20, 20, 30 fucking years earlier. You know, I guess it's cause those guys technically never even sang on the track.

I don't know. Everybody's doing fucking commercials now. I mean, it's just back in the, it's the whole thing. It's just changed. You just do whatever you want. You don't have to sing. You can fucking, you know, you can lip sync your way with yours. Your hit song through a commercial for fucking underroos and it actually equates to more album downloads, evidently.

I should just be sitting on a porch right now watching young people walking by yelling at them. That's what this podcast is just slowly becoming. So anyways, I'm watching that channel and the next thing Nia recorded was this thing about the, it looked like those same guys that I saw when I was in London, the Middle Eastern dudes who fly on a cargo plane, fly in all their fucking cars with the same ridiculous wrap. You know, or maybe it's a paint job. I think it's a wrap that they put on there. You know what I mean? They got like the fucking, it's like that mirrored finish, like those three people in Shana now with the gold suits. They'll do that to like Mercedes and all that.

Well, when they're back in that country, another status symbol is to own a like endangered species or exotic animals as they call them. And these fucking guys, they owned like cheetahs and lions and tigers. It was the most disturbing fucking thing. And I'm even coming at this in like a pita way. I just sat there going like, dude, that is a fucking lion. You got it on a leash. And these things kept, you know, they tapped their friends over and they'd sort of lunge at them and then friends would jump out of the way and be like, whoa, like laughing. And it's just like, if you saw how big these fucking things were, it's just like they could like sort of like at 30%, like bitch slapper refrigerator.

And the thing would tip over and go flying across the fucking room. You know what I mean? And these guys are fucking teasing. So this fucking lady goes over there, this white lady making white people look fucking stupid as shit. And she's like, she fucking goes over to this guy's goddamn house. He's got a giant fucking lion. All right. And he goes, well, we'll get or a tiger or some shit.

And he goes, all right, we'll get you comfortable. We'll let you play with some smaller ones first. So she's playing with these little ones. And immediately I said, I wouldn't fuck with that. And a long time ago, I was on opening Anthony, they brought in a fucking baby tiger, one of those little white ones or some shit. And they asked me if they wanted to hold, if I wanted to hold it, I was like, no, the thing was upset. It didn't want to fucking be there. And I've been scratched by a house cat fucking killed right now.

It only got me with one goddamn claw when right down my forearm, I had to put all this shit on it. So I wouldn't get some sort of goddamn disease. And I'm looking at this, this cute little baby tiger, a lion, whatever the fuck it was. Well, Siegfried and Roy wants the Mariah Carey one where it's all fucking white, you know, and I'm just looking at the size of its fucking paws. I'm like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat. I've got scratched by a house cat. This thing's in a bad mood. I don't want to deal with the thing.

You know what's funny? He's actually scratched Anthony, if I remember correctly, and he had to get like a tetanus shot or something, some sort of ointment had to be put on his fucking neck. So anyway, so this lady goes in there, right? And she's playing with them. She's like, oh my God, they're so adorable. And was really not impressed with the intellect of the woman. I thought they could have got somebody a lot fucking smarter, right? So then she goes outside to meet this lion.

Okay, this lioness. And there's no way to describe to you how big a fucking lion is. It's not very often that you get to see a person standing next to a goddamn lion. She walks up to the general area of this thing and the things immediately looking at her. The way a fucking wild animal looks at you. You know what I mean? It's the same. I've always said this.

It's the same way like a fucking hooker looks at you where there's no bullshit. You know, you go to a bar, some woman looks at you. You know, she's just trying to get a fucking drink. A hooker looks at you. It's the real deal. Like, yeah, I will fuck you. Okay, if the circumstances are, you know, if you got the money, I will fuck you, right? It's the same thing with, like, lions.

They're looking at you like, if the opportunity arises, I will kill you. You know, dogs don't look at you like that. Fucking lions look at you. You know, cats attempt it. House cats, you know, you turn around, you catch them stalking you and shit. But then you look at them and then they fucking run away. All right? Picture a cat doing that, a house cat, but you turn around and it's a lion and it doesn't run away.

It fucking lunges at you or maybe gives you that refrigerator bitch slap, right? So this fucking thing is looking at her and he's the owner who has no training whatsoever. Brings this fucking thing. Oh, dude, my palms were like sweaty. I had to get, well, I was watching it in bed. I literally stood up going, what the fuck are you doing? So the thing comes over, immediately starts crawling on top of her. It's on top of her.

And then she puts her hands on the side of the thing and starts like, like, you know, rubbing it like it's a giant dog. And all I remember was that there's that YouTube video of that stuntman who worked with bears and he had brought his some sort of relative in there who wanted to learn how to work with bears. And he told him to keep his hands down by his side. The bear came up and like stood up on its back legs, put its paws on the dude's shoulder and he instinctively put his hands on either side of the bear, which the bear took as like an aggressive move and wanted to fight and it fucking killed this guy. So she puts her hands there and I see that I go, oh fuck, is this thing like a bear? I don't fucking know. And all of a sudden she got just a little bit scared and then the thing like collapsed down on her and it got weird really quick. And then the guy stood up with this rope fucking leash and like quickly tries to pull the lion away, which she does.

And this woman gets up like, oh, wow, that was, that was like a, I feel like that was like a spiritual experience about but it's like, bitch, you woman's got fucking killed. And then the guy goes, yeah, you got scared and it senses your fear. And then, oh God, thank God she didn't make any high pitch noise, like the sound of an animal like suffering, you know, I mean, you ever hear like a dog toy, you know, when they bite on it and it makes that high pitch noise, it excites the predator in them. And so I say to Nia, I go, how far into this show before they show us somebody get killed? I go, I say about 17 minutes. They didn't. It was at the end of the show. And they were just like two weeks after we left this fucking woman, basically the housekeeper comes in.

All right, she didn't fucking do anything. She's not like these fucking guys who for some reason like it's just total like male ego shit trying to outdo the other fucking rich guy down the street that they get these things. They don't know anything about the animals. They fucking, at least that's the way it was presented. They didn't know shit about the fucking animals. And then they were like, no, the thing has a better life living here. It's walking around in a fucking cage. You know, it's like, dude, would you want to walk around in a cage?

I mean, you could always get knifed. You could get killed the same way an animal couldn't in the wild. It's a fucking lion. Who's killing a lion other than another human being? So anyways, this fucking housekeeper came in and she got mauled by these fucking lions and they bring the woman in and the guy tried to say a dog did it. And they were like, these injuries are a little more than a dog. And then the owner is like, well, whatever do you mean? It's like, well, she's missing her left arm and the claw marks on this.

And so, you know what the fucking asshole did? He had three lions. He went home. He shot all of them and then burned their bodies out in the desert. So he, you know, so nothing would fucking happen to him. And it was just like, yeah, it's like, yeah, there you go. They go fucking inevitable. Cheetahs, this guy's riding in a fucking six wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetah.

And that woman's getting in the car going, oh, it's, it's, it's acting just like a dog. It's panning. It's looking out the window. Maybe they had to get somebody. I'm not saying she was not a smart person. She just wasn't very aware of the situation, I feel. And I just kept hearing like, it was back in the day, like 50 Def Jam comics did bits about how white people fuck with wild animals. And so in a way, I'm like, oh, this is good.

For once it's not white people being idiots with wild animals. You know, now it's Arabs. Let's, let's, you know, take a little heat off a whitey and then they bring this white lady in there and she fucking does everything that, you know, every one of those bits says that we do. So anyways, let's get to some of the, some of the reads here for the week. If I can, if my fucking computer is going to tell me to fucking, I don't know, update something. Oh, Jesus, here we go. Here we go. Wait, I have to promote this thing real quick.

All right, I was supposed to promote this regular hero. Year in review, you can donate now and be a regular hero to change a life today. These people work around the world to help the disadvantaged. They, they are another, yet another nonprofit. And I'm assuming that because it's on my podcast that this is a, this is actually a legit one. You know, they help out with Hurricane Matthew Skid Row at risk youth. Oh, regular hero show. Oh, fuck, I've done one of these.

Oh, this is what's this Steve Simone thing, right? The regular hero show has been a great fun and awareness razor. Thanks to comedians, Bill Berg, Gabriel Iglesias, Dane Cook, Daniel Tosh, Chris Hadwick, Chris Delia, the world at the world famous comedy store in the improv. Yeah, this is actually a legit one in a, in a world where so many of these nonprofits are a complete horseship. This is actually a legit one, which is a very nice thing. Because everything's a fucking nonprofit. Like, you remember that, that, that lady from a couple months back, she, she lost her job at that nonprofit,

yet another nonprofit when she said that horrible shit about Michelle Obama, you know, and of course wrote it like a dope. She said something like, it will be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified first lady in the White House. You mean that trophy wife? Well, because she wears a red blouse. All of a sudden she's fucking, you know, a better person. She wrote, I'm tired of seeing a ape in heels, not an a and a ape in heels and ape is capitalized. Like it's, I don't know, somebody's name or some shit like that.

And so of course she gets fucking, she gets bounced out of this nonprofit. She gets fired because everybody knows that makes you less racist. You're racist and then you lose your job and then you go, oh, wait a minute. What was I thinking? Everybody is equal. So anyways, then the, the fucking mayor from this town, Clay County is something Virginia, Virginia, West Virginia, I guess, backed up her goddamn. Why you would do that? You know, even if you were racist, you think you'd be smart enough to keep your fucking mouth shut.

This person co-signed and what the other person said, and then the mayor had to fucking resign. So anyways, they actually, so they fired the first lady who said it from the Clay County Development Corporation nonprofit. They're a corporation that develops shit and, but it's not for profit. Well, let me ask you this. How is this woman not homeless? I don't get how you work for a nonprofit and you're not homeless. If there's no profit, how do they pay you? This is what all corporations do.

I'm in business. I'm in business with a certain corporation that claims a 90 to $180 million loss a year. And the people I work with are buying mansions out here, redoing them. I don't know how that works. That's actually a different thing because they're not considered a nonprofit. They're considered a business entity. And if you, if you don't show that you've earned any money, then you don't have to pay any taxes. So the corporation doesn't, but then everybody draws a salary.

Now you have to pay taxes on, on the salary that you drew. But however, if you just say you're not making a profit, you don't have to pay any taxes. And I would think that all that extra money that you didn't pay taxes on, you then just disperse amongst your employees. Right. So rather than making a million a year, you make two million a year and then you pay taxes on that. Right. I don't know how it works. And you know, I'm too stupid to figure out how that shit works.

But for the life of me, I looked up this nonprofit trying to figure out what the fuck they do. I cannot, I can't figure it out. So anyways, they fired this fucking lady and 10, like a month later, they just reinstated her. They just reinstated her. And I don't know, to me that is the Trump influence. I think that that's what everybody learned from Trump. It's just like you just say, Hey, you know, that's locker room talk or, you know, all right, he's fired. And he comes back, you know, I'm back.

Yeah, you know, I left, I left for six weeks and I'm back, you know, and what, what I love with media is there's no follow up after the first story. The first story is done. This is the whole fucking everybody flipping out. Let's go burn the witch. And then once it dies down, then you just bring the person back and nobody they've moved on to something else. I don't know, it's really bizarre. I just don't know how somebody could fucking be in business with somebody like that. Fucking nut.

Anyway, sorry, me on this. Oh, Jesus. It's like a sheepskin fucking sock. It's so fucking soft up against your taint. You know, you fucking love it. Your dick, you will paint with a pair of fucking me on these. Why would you paint your dick? I don't know how many fucking times can I sing this picture of world in a world where putting on a new pair of undies, me on these rubbing up on your car.

I don't know how many fucking times can I sing this picture of world in a world where putting on a new pair of underwear isn't just fresh. You're stepping into a better day. You know, I bet wears me undies or lives in me undies lifestyle is Mariah Carey. I know it's the second time I brought her up, but that fucking channel Nia keeps watching on one of these reality shows that's following Mariah Carey around. Dude, she's fucking hilarious. Every fucking shot. She's like laying in a bed in an evening gown with heels on full makeup and everything with a glass of wine. It's like in the 1950s, what people thought rich people did all day, just laying around with like, you know, some fucking $300,000 diamond necklace.

It's like, we get it. You're a diva. Jesus Christ. You never wear sweatpants. You know, just have a fucking white Zinfandel over there. Um, anyways, it says, think about it. Underwear is the first thing you put on in the last thing you take off unless you weird, you know, what if you don't like your torso? What if you're one of those guys that fucks with his shirt on, you know, your sweaty t-shirt?

Right? You know what I mean? You still have your t-shirt on. You know, ladies, if you're fucking a guy who has mantits, that's when you know he's really letting you win is when he takes the t-shirt off too. Oh, Jesus, Bill, why would you say that? All right. Think about it. Underwear is verbal.

Why would you settle for anything less than the best feeling underwear on the planet? Meundee's focus is solely on producing the most comfortable underwear you've ever experienced. My friends at Meundee sent me a few pairs a while back and now I can't imagine wearing anything else. Why do you keep putting it on the copy? You sent me two pairs. I wore them. One I liked. The other with a Greg Lugain is cut and I don't, I wasn't in that shape.

You know, you sent me the Olympic Diver fucking skibbies there. You know? Jesus Christ. I went from muffin top to like, I don't know what the fuck, croissant? What's the next one up the pastry ladder? It really makes each day that much better for the price of two cocktails. Meundee's will deliver your new favorite pair of underwear right to your doorstep, Better Day Guarantry. You try them on and if they aren't the most comfortable, best feeling underwear you've ever had, they'll refund you and let you keep your first pair for free.

Well, obviously, what are you going to take it back like that fucking mattress company? These uber cozy undies are sold exclusively on the Meundee's website where you'll enjoy free shipping in the U.S. and Canada. And for a limited time, everyone in my audience gets 20% off their first order. But you have to order our, go to our special URL, meundee's.com slash burr to get 20% off. That's meundee's.com slash burr. All right. Give me the loot. Loot crate everybody.

Hey nerds, wake the fuck up. Here we go. Be the envy of your friends and get your 100% exclusive crates at lootcrate.com slash burr and enter my code burr to save $3 off any new subscription. What the fuck is a loot crate? Oh, here we go. Wait until I tell you. I'm supposed to be excited here. Wait until I tell you about December's crate.

It'll have you fighting the power, man. Loot crate offers an epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month. If you're more of a fanatical fashionista than try loot wear. Monthly wearables and accessories with cult classics and your favorite franchises. If you want to get fancy, get a bigger box and even bigger loot with loot crate DX. Want to geek out? I have no idea what any of this shit is, but I know nerds are loving this. They designed a system to keep you down and they're meddlesome.

Hello friends. It's time for a revolution. December's crate features exclusive items from Assassin's Creed. No way. Mr. Robot. Holy shit. Firefly. What the fuck is that?

It's time for a revolution. December's crate features exclusive items from Assassin's Creed. No way. Mr. Robot. Holy shit. Firefly. What the fuck is that? Our monthly t-shirt and pin and more including an exclusive Funko Pop.

I'm telling you, I say this every week. That sounds like a fucking dad gene band. Funko Pop. We take elements of funk. You know, we're like really into Tower of Power. It's like a James Brown kind of thing. And we mash it. What do the kids call it?

A fucking combining there of two songs with the same tempo. Of more contemporary things. Our kids love it. Do not wait. You have until the 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific. Maybe next year when Navarro does his show, maybe we'll have some members of Funko Pop come on. Pacific to subscribe to for December's crate. When it's over, it's over.

No more crates. Go to lootcrate.com slash burr and enter my code burr to save $3 off any new subscription today. How many more fucking things are there? Oh, I don't want to read all this. All right, guys. Can you handle one more? Can I just do one more just to fucking plow through this shit? All right.

Now that you know how to dress like a nerd, now that your balls are nice and soft, you know, at some point you're going to want a sandwich, right? Blue apron, everybody. Not to be confused with red apron. This is blue apron. This is for the Democrats only. All right. Not all not.

If you want to cry into your meal after Trump gets sworn in, you got to go to blue apron. Not all ingredients are created equal. Fresh, high quality ingredients make a real difference. So it's important to know where your food comes from. Talk about how the fuck you all talk about what I want to talk about affordable for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meal. Variety? We got you covered.

Choose from a variety of new recipes each week or let blue aprons culinary team surprise you. Holy shit. Is that corn flakes? Recipes are not repeated within a year, so you'll never get bored. You're like Mariah Carey with all her fucking evening gowns. Every fucking time she's got a different one. Flexible customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs and there's no weekly commitment.

So you only get deliveries when you want them easy. You want it easy? You don't want to think you fucking dope. Here we go. Each meal comes with a step by step. Easy to follow recipe car card and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less just like Rachel Ray over there. Guarantee blue aprons freshness guarantees promises that every ingredient you deliver arrives ready to cook. They'll make it right.

Check out this week's menu and get the first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com. You'll love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home cooked meals with blue aprons. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com. Blue apron a better way to cook. Why do they write so much fucking copy? It's like I get it. I get it.

Okay. I get all these aren't all. Some of these are reads. I fucked up. One left. Oh my God. This is great. There's only one left everybody.

Then I get into the questions for the week. Perfect. All right. Seat geek. Everyone buying tickets online for sports and concerts has been a confusing process for a long time. Yes, it has. It's always been hard to find the best deal for that game or show you want to go to and none of those older ticket sites want to change that. But Seat geek is different.

They've come along and created an amazing app and website that makes it easier for everyone. That makes it easier for every fan to buy and sell tickets. Everything about Seat geek is designed to make life easier for sports and music fans. Seat geek does all the price comparisons for you by searching multiple ticket sites and ensuring that you get the best possible deal. Seat geek does all the work and you save time and money. Best of all, my listeners get $20 a $20 rebate off their first Seat geek purchase to get your $20 rebate on tickets. Download the Seat geek app, go to the settings tab and click on the add a promo code. Allow them to access all your photos and to track you long after you've bought the seats.

Enter promo code burr. Seat geek will send you $20 after you've made your first ticket purchase. Download the Seat geek app and enter the promo code burr today. Alrighty then. All right. So according to the emails, somebody wanted me to look at this fucking thing and it simply says crazy Asian sport. Saw this on Reddit and needed you to see it. Merry Christmas twinkle eyes.

All right, let's see what this is. Oh my God. All right, let me hit pause here. This is basically, this is, I want to go to this. All right, there's this whole group of fucking dudes. They're all dressed in white. Oh my God. They're all huddled around a pole and there's a guy sitting on top of the fucking pole. And then another group of dudes come in wearing orange shirts and the fucking, they all have on like Olympic boxing headgear.

And that when, when the fucking orange dudes come in, they're trying to knock the guy off the pole. This is like fucking ants fighting each other. Dude, you fucking asshole. How can you show me this and not tell me what sport this is? They try to knock the guy off the fucking pole. What is this called? And what happens is basically everybody gets piled on once the orange crew comes in. Oh, there's a weak guy.

He turned and ran the other fucking way. They start jumping up on top of each other. Oh my God. That would be so fucking claustrophobic. It's basically like a rugby scrum. If you could throw fucking punches and you climb and just imagine a rugby scrum. And rather than the ball, one of the rugby dudes was sitting up on a pole and they're trying to fucking knock them off. Wow, dude.

They're just kicking each other in the face. I swear to God, you know, how the fuck did I get so lucky to be born in this goddamn country where they at least pretend to give a shit about your well-being? And you let that is a fucking hardcore sport. You know what hats off to fucking Asia right there. I would love to see them try to get this is barbaric. You know, try to do it in our country. Like everybody's listening from America. My country, I should say this is barbaric.

This is this is promoting violence against people with different kinds of shirts on. I mean, I don't even understand what is it? What is the purpose of this? Can you please tell me the name of that sport? Am I ever going to get over this fucking cough? I haven't smoked a cigar in forever. I'm getting eight hours sleep. Not really.

You know, knee is tossing and turning every fucking minute now. I literally, you know, I, I sleep in bed for like half the night and then after a while I just end up going upstairs and I fall asleep. You know, I would do the same thing. Like when the baby comes, I'm just going to be when the baby cries too much. I'm just going to be like, you know what, I can't deal with either one of you and I'm going to go upstairs. And I'm going to put on an evening gown like Mariah Carey and lay here with my fucking diamonds on. I don't know. Maybe it's just for the show, but I just look at it.

It's like this person is out of there. If they just at some point it's just completely lost touch of reality. There's something about that when you get like backup dancers and they're all hanging on your every word and they literally want to be you. Like there's no way to keep, keep yourself tethered to any sort of fucking reality. All right. Advice, age, different story. First of all, did I talk about everything I wanted to fucking talk about this week? Oh, let's talk about how you guys doing with your cardio.

If you're late to the podcast, you can still start right now, man. I've been trying to do a half hour cardio every single day because this is, you know, between Thanksgiving and New Year's. You eat all of this fucking shit you put on weight and then you got to just start the year behind the eight ball by the eight ball. Right? I was like, I'm not fucking doing that. So as of December 1st, I've been trying to do a cardio, a half hour cardio every single fucking day. And of course I fucked up, right? I, what did I do?

I made it through the first 11 days and then December 12th. I had a busy morning and you really got to knock it out in the morning, which I didn't. And the day got longer and longer. And then I came home, Nia was watching some fucking TV and she was just like, I need comfort. And I was just like, all right, acting like I was a good husband rather than like, I don't want to get in that fucking elliptical again. So I missed a half hour on the 12th, 13th. I did my half hour. So I had 12 out of 13 days, 14th.

I missed that. I was like, fuck, this is becoming a trend. Now I owe that machine down there 60 minutes plus the 30 for today. That was Friday, December 15th. So I got on that elliptical. Baby, baby, baby red cakes. I got on the thing that I did an hour and 11 minutes, 71 minutes out of the 90 minutes. I just looked at it like it was a basketball game or a sporting event.

I was down by 90 points. And so the next day I started my day, I was down 19 points plus the 30 I had to do. And I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical. So now I was up 11 minutes. And then I liked it. I liked the results of doing a fucking hour. So then on say I did an hour and four minutes. So then now I'm up, I was down 90 minutes.

Now I was up an hour and 15, also known as 75 minutes. And then yesterday I did an hour and 15 minutes. So I don't even know what I'm up at this point, 45 minutes plus the next to 45. I'm actually up 90 minutes, something like that. I don't know what the fuck it is. I can't really remember. But all I wanted to do, I was going to do a half hour every day. And that was going to be, so 31 days, it would be 15 and a half hours of cardio.

But now I think I'm just going to do hours every day for the rest of the fucking year. I weighed myself the other day. I was 177. Now when I came back from fucking Europe, I was a buck 90. So I've taken 13 pounds off since that trip. So I don't know, it's all about the fucking cardio. I would love to do that. If you know what the reality is, is if you got an elliptical every day and did fucking 60 minutes,

if you just did that, you know, and when you do that, when you put together a playlist, that's when you got to love, I tell you, you got to love like bands like Iron Maiden, where they have six, seven minute songs, you know, at least the songs are at least four minutes, which is a huge fucking chunk. You know, and I just put my sweatshirt over the clock and I'm just like, I just peek at the clock after every song's done. All right. So if you're just doing a half hour of cardio, you got to listen to rhyming the ancient marathon.

It's a 13 minute song. You know? Hear the rhyme of the ancient marathon. The whole fucking thing. There you go. She's lying there. They showed a dice for the crew. Right.

You listen to that whole fucking thing. The curses live on his high. All right. You're going to go from fucking 27 minutes down to 14 minutes. See, like this is a fucking joke. I always try to put it on, you know, have it come on time. It was like 21 minutes. You know?

And then I just cover it up because the next time I look, I'm going to be in single digits. I'll be done in like eight or nine minutes. It's fucking tremendous. But anyways, I, a buddy of mine, my drum teacher was showing me this fucking song this week. And I don't know how I slept on this one. I've always been a big Soundgarden fan. And somehow I never heard that song, Rhinosaur. And as always, Matt Cameron with the sickest fucking drums.

I've become obsessed with that song and that fucking album. And when I saw it, I thought it said 2016. I was like, Oh, they got back together. This is their latest shit. And then I looked again and said 1996. Every fucking thing that I listened to, I don't know what happened to me. I think part of it was I got old and then I was also like trying to fucking get somewhere as a comedian. I just completely missed out on like 20 years of music and like half the shit people show me.

I'm like, Oh, that sounds fucking, you know, it always sounds like it's brand new to me. When did that come out? And they're like, yeah, like 2002. I'm like, I just, I just can't get contemporary. I got 20 years of shit. I got to fucking sift through. So if there's any other drummers out there, you know, part of my lessons is they'll play shit at the end, like ear training shit. Like you got to try to figure out the groove you got, you got to figure out what time signature it was in.

And this was to figure out what time signature it was in. And of course, I was fucking it up and a few drummers out there, it's in six. But if you count the eighth notes, you just count up to 12 and the phrasing is seven and five. And I would play it for you on here, but I always just feel like because I do advertising, if I play any music. Then all of a sudden, somebody's going to come after me and be like, you owe us money because you made money off of me on these while you played our fucking song or whatever. Anyways, what do you guys think of the Patriots yesterday? Everybody's flipping out about our defense. Like, I don't know what the big, you know, we beat the Ravens and the Ravens did, you know, this, they got that sucks guy.

But back in the day, they had sucks. They had Ray Lewis and they had Ed Reed. So their big three is basically down to one dude. And, you know, they're not who the fuck they were. And then we beat the Broncos in mile high where we never fucking win. But they basically they have a rookie quarterback. I don't know. I get so frustrated with the Patriots because it seems like they only protect their offensive players.

They've been, I know I've been bitching about this, but they just, you know, that fucking cornerback, whatever the fuck his name is. Tay Libb. Whatever the fuck his name is. Like when he was with us that that whole side of his whole squadron section of the field was just shut down. What didn't we like about that? Why didn't we just keep that guy? You know, we always we got fucking wide receivers. We got fucking a quarterback.

That's what we keep all that fucking. You know what? This is my theory. Bill Belichick is such a defensive genius. I think he just thinks like, you know what? I need, you know, I don't, I don't look at this. My fucking computer just decided, you know, I said that, you know, contact me in an hour. And I was like, all right, an hour's gone by.

Now it's just syncing with my fucking phone. Like who's doing this? So weird. It's like all these fucking satellites just fucking pointed at you. I don't know. Anyways, I think he just is convinced that he can take any second round draft pick. Train this person into being an NFL quality player at that position slash borderline all pro. And if you become an all pro, then he just fucking gets ready at the second you want money.

Just fucking been doing it forever. But back in the day, you know, we'd keep McGinnis. We kept rabble. So our defense, I felt like had an identity. Now it's like every three years, it's like a whole new fucking defense. It drives me up the fucking wall. I don't know. We'll see.

Because I watched the Giants, you know, and you know, like all Patriot fans every year when the Giants go on their run, you get this sickening feeling in your stomach going like, oh, fuck, yet you want to play him again because we got to beat him one time. You know, and I was sitting there going like, all right, well, they lost Tom Coughlin. This is going to be huge. And lo and behold, they're doing it again. They're on another fucking run. All right. Yeah. The defense looks fucking amazing.

You know, I'm not saying that defense doesn't look good, but it does not look as good as theirs. And I don't know. That's the Giants thing. Like the only thing about the Giants is they don't score any fucking points for whatever fucking reason. They got Eli, who's a goddamn beast. They got the fucking, they got the diva there. What's his name? I don't know my short term memories for shit.

I just thought Wyatt. I can't fucking remember. His last name is the same name as the fucking soccer player with all the tattoos who's married to the Spice Girl. Beckham, Bennett like Beckham. Odell Beckham. There you go. See that? I'm learning how my fucking old brain works now.

I got to go on one of those brain exercise websites that try to help you with your short term memory. I don't know. I'm fascinated how they can have him at wide receiver. You know, I don't know if they're playing that cruise guy, a bunch of fucking money, but they got Eli. They're able to keep him. But then on the other side of the ball, they got JPP. And if he didn't fucking mess up his hand, like they seem to be, they're more balanced. You know, so what if Chandler Jones wanted money?

He fucking earned it. Sometimes I just feel like we're getting, I don't know what the fuck he built. How many Super Bowl's do they have to win before you realize Bill Belichick knows what he's doing? I know, I know. I'm just looking at the NFC West and it just seems like they're stronger. I'll tell you right now, the Dallas Cowboys you buying is selling. I'm selling. I don't believe in them.

I don't believe in the Dallas Cowboys. I don't believe in that coach. I don't know about, you know, this is just totally based on, I look at that guy and I go, I don't believe in that guy. I just don't. Pete Carroll is a fucking beast. Eli is an animal. And their coach, who I swear to God, looks like he won some radio contest is a, is a, is a wolf in sheep's clothing, is a wolf in upper deck fucking eating a pretzel and getting mustard all over his face. Clothing.

I think one of those teams, and this is really isn't going out on a limb. I think one of those two teams goes to the, to the Super Bowl and having watched both teams, I think I would rather play. I'd rather play Seattle and that's only because Seattle, you know, once you win a couple, you went to win a Super Bowl, you go to back to back, you know, they lost too many guys. Not to say that they couldn't beat the Patriots. They already fucking beat us this year, but we'll see. We'll see. I never fucking believe in my team. You know what I mean?

I don't know why I always just see the fucking, you know, why are we doing this? Why are we doing that? So anyways, we shall see, but, uh, it'd be nice to play the Giants again and finally fucking win. We'd actually would have to win that game or else Tom Brady would forever just get ripped on sports talk radio. By all his mouth, breathing dopes, they would be like, does this mean that you could actually say that Eli is better than Tom Brady? Like it was this one on one game like Tom Brady, every Super Bowl has not let his team down the field for the winning score. He's had to do that every Super Bowl that he's been in, you know, and four out of six times, the defense went out and did their job and two times they did not. Um, and I'm not taking it away from fucking Eli because two times Eli beat our defense, but he beat our defense.

He did not beat Tom Brady. However, when you're the quarterback, you take all the brain blame. You know, all you got to do is look at Dan Marino and the ridiculous level of shit that that guy takes despite the fact all the records that that guy. I've never understood it. It's just, did he have to tackle people too? Was he supposed to run the ball up the gut to fucking eat up some of the clock? I don't know. It's just so fucking the shit that Dan Marino gets.

It's the dumbest. It's the dumbest ever. This is how much the game has changed, by the way. I looked this up the other day just because all they do is fucking throw the ball. And I looked up all time, you know, running backs, just rushing all time for your career. And I'll tell you right now, what's his face? Emmett Smith. No one's going to break that fucking record the way the way they just don't run the fucking ball anymore.

No one's going to get anywhere near that thing. Uh, let me look this shit up like I looked it up yesterday and, um, not now. I don't want to install these fucking things. Fuck off. Jesus Christ. It's like a fucking kid tugging at you, mommy, mommy, mommy. Um, where we go? All time NFL rushers.

Um, all right. Where the fuck is it? Pro football reference. This is the best thing ever. So I looked this shit up. Okay. And in the top 20, top 20, all like as of right now, there's only one. As of right now, there's only three active players in the top 20.

The first seven are all retired. Okay. The, the, the highest ranking one is Frank Gore, who has 12,931 yards. All right. Then you got to go all the way down to 16. You got Adrian Peterson who granted took a year off because he beat his kids up with, with something he found in the woods. Adrian Peterson.

And then he got Steven Jackson at 18. All right. You go to the all time, uh, where the fuck is it passing? Where the hell is it? Passing yards. How hard is it to find that passing yards? All right. So there's only, there's only, there's only, uh, three active players, top 20 rushing,

right? Starts at eight and ends at 18. All right. Passing all time. There's in the top 14, there's six active players, six active players in the top 14 all time. There's only eight other QBs in the history of the NFL that is thrown as many or more yards than six current fucking players.

And the top two all time are Peyton Manning and Brett Farve. Peyton Manning just retired last year. Brett Farve retired six years ago. It's fucking unbelievable. Like how much this game has changed. And there's only two really old school names, uh, in the top 20 is Johnny Unitas. Where's the other one? And Fran Tarkington.

And, uh, once, what's his face? Like, uh, John Elway, Warren Moon, that class, uh, Dan Fouts, Joe Montana, they came in, they did their damage. Dude, Kerry Collins is in the fucking, he's 16th all time. So here you go. So you got Peyton Manning's one, Brett Farve is two, Drew Brees is three with 65,462 yards. He's, he's less than 7,000 yards, less, uh, about six, 6,500 yards away from owning the record.

Dan Marino's fourth, then it's Tom Brady, John Elway, Warren Moon, then Eli Manning is eight, then Fran Tarkington, then Ben Rothlisberger, Vinny Testaverde, Phillip Rivers, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, Dan Fouts. I've seen like everybody, all of these people play in my lifetime. I did catch the end of Fran Tarkington. Dan Fouts, Kerry Collins, Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas, I didn't see. Dave Craig, Boomer Asiason, Donovan McNabb. All right.

Donovan McNabb is, is 21st all time. Um, that's how much the fucking game has changed. It's, it's unbelievable. And what it is, is that these guys are like throwing for four yards, five, six yards, that shit he used to give to the running back. So I think Emmett Smith, Walter Peyton, those guys, no one's going to touch that. I don't know. I don't know how you get enough fucking attempts to even do it.

Um, was there a point to that bill? Um, yeah, I'm just saying they throw the ball a lot. I guess that's what I'm saying. Jim Mercer completely change. And then nothing too, just the way that they, they protect the fucking quarterbacks, you know, when they call it the Tom Brady rule, because that time he turned around and looked at the referee and said, Hey, somebody touched my jersey. And the referee was like, Oh, I'm sorry.

Fucking through the flag. Um, yeah, everybody calls it the Tom Brady rule, which I love. I love that they call it the Tom Brady rule because it is, you know, you got to protect your quarterbacks. That's your money. And then he realizes that, uh, you know, when, when the best, you know, everybody knows the fucking quarterback, that guy gets knocked out. No one's going to watch the game.

So they protect the hell out of them. And they're like, yeah, fuck everybody else. And, uh, people who are not into sports, they're into offense. They want to see some action. So they just, they, you know, now it's like illegal to cover fucking, cover a fucking receiver, you know, to damn arena, the shit you could do during that guy's fucking career and he's still through for like 60,000 fucking yards. I don't know.

Yeah. We was talking about steroids, right? And you really put an asterisk next to your name, you know, they don't, you don't have the same way they don't give Barry bonds is just do it's just like, are you going to sit there and tell me, you know, all of these fucking guys were as good as damn arena with the yards they're putting up. Fuck out of here. All right.

Um, advice, age difference and history. Uh, dear bill, I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. Um, I'm a big fan of yours. I really enjoy your podcast. You'll thank you very much. I appreciate it. I am 28 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend who's seven years younger than

me and who I plan on marrying. We're really great together. I love her. Well, congratulations. The thing is, is as our relationship has gone on, we've slash I've been getting some static from people about our relationship. Well, who gives a fuck what they think? Like I said, she's seven years younger than me, but we've known each other for a while.

We've met when I was working at my first job as a counselor at a camp when she was one of the kids. Oh Jesus. When we first met, I was 17 and she was 10. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And then that, that's that creepy thing.

That's that creepy thing. Cause at some point you were like, Oh, look at that little kid. That's the Woody Allen moment where you go, Oh, isn't she adorable? And then at some point the switch flips to being like, Hey, I think I want to fuck that. You know, there's, there's no way to get around that, sir. You'd have to understand that. So anyways, he says nothing happened between us at that point. Well, I would hope so.

It wasn't until we reconnected years later when we were older that we started talking again and really getting to know each other. All right. Well, I guess that's fair, but people are going to say some shit, right? Anyway, I'm getting shit from some family and friends because of our history. Just from an outside source, I'd like to know what you think. Do you think it's strange or weird? I know there's people out there 15 to 20 years apart.

It's just with our history, it throws people off. Again, what do you think from an unbiased perspective? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah. The thing is, is that you were 17 and she was 10 when you first met her. That's what makes it weird. Like my wife is 10 years younger than me, but I didn't meet her until I was like, you know, 35 and she was 25.

Hey, Nia, come in here is a question. Somebody, somebody's 28. What do you say there, Wendy? What are you so out of breath for? Come here. You gotta give me a place to sit here. Jesus. So this guy, he's dating this woman, right?

He wants to marry her. He's 28. She's 21. He said the thing is that I met her when I was a counselor. I was 17. She was only 10. He goes, obviously nothing happened then. He goes, obviously nothing happened then, but now that we're together, people are giving

a shit. And I was saying there was a 10 year difference between us, but I, you know, I was 35. You were 25. Right. So they're looking at you like you've been grooming her since she was like seven years old. Yeah. But he like met her, but then didn't seem like he didn't see her for a while.

Then they reconnected. Of course, which happens. Don't worry about it. If you know everything's on the up and up, just, just do your thing. Yeah. Is her family cool with it? You know, is her family giving him the side eyes? Like he was grooming her or seems to just be friends.

What do you mean? His friends, people that he knows are just like, this is what I would do. I would just, whatever those people are giving him shit about it. I wouldn't, if you meet new people, I wouldn't tell them that that's how you first met him. Yeah, probably not. Not everybody needs to know your entire history in that way. Just because people will misinterpret it. But yeah, if you guys are fine, your families are fine.

Like, don't worry about it. Yeah. As long as nothing happened when you were a counselor. Exactly. As long as you're sure nothing happened when you were a counselor, which I'm sure they didn't. He always wants to push her on the swing. Oh God.

I know. It's bad. All right. Let's see. I did it to you. Sorry. You're going to have to, you know, there's a certain level of shit you're going to have to deal with.

Where are you going? I'm going out to have a little, a little breakfast with a friend. I didn't like the vagueness of that. A little breakfast with a friend. Yes. I'm going to get smoothies with Chelsea Peretti. Oh, you didn't have to say that. Smoothies.

Yes. Chelsea Peretti. Smoothies with Chelsea. Yep. Sacramento zone. Chelsea Peretti. Is she from Sacramento or Oakland? Yeah.

She's from Sacramento. I think she's from Oakland. No. Hela Sacramento. Hela Sacramento. She does say Hela. Yeah. She's white trash from, she is.

She's white trash from Northern California. She is. She's also a Republican. Anyway. All right. Where the fuck am I? Yeah, dude. Just, you know, who gives a fuck?

This is the deal. Once you get married, you have fucking kids and shit. You're never going to see anybody anyway. So who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck what people think? Go out and do what makes you happy. Okay. As long as you're not hurting anybody and you're not breaking the law, please go out and do

it before just being happy becomes illegal. Because, you know, just the level that the population is going in, you know, I'm thinking by the end of my life, I don't know what it's going to be like over here. I hope we don't end up like China with China. It's so fucking overpopulated. They got to like people. Nobody drive cars for like five fucking days and just the shit that they're dealing with is it's brutal over there.

What are you doing? Yeah. Take the Prius. Take the Prius. I still have the Prius everybody. I'm going to be selling the car. I just can't find the title. So I sent, I sent in all the forms to the DMV by enjoy your smoothies.

Big Hollywood phony. All right. So I sent it in to the local one and I fucked up. Not only did I send it to the wrong DMV. I wrote for some reason 2017 on the check. So they thought I was trying to be pull a fast one. So then I ended up having to send it up to fucking Sacramento. So I'm waiting for that thing so I can finally get rid of that other fucking car.

All right. Here we go. Girlfriend texts. Hey, Bill, I'm in, in a bit of a tough situation. I think you are. You wrote in twice and would love to hear you take it on it. I'm 24 years old and was recently seeing a 33 year old girl. Whoa.

I love it. But I do do do do do come and rub my fucking balls. You are fucking nine years older. Um, for about six months, uh, within the time span, I cheated on her twice. I told her about it. And although she was upset, we agreed to get back together and start over a new, uh, everything was relatively fine until last week. I went to her house before she got off of work to do some work on her computer.

When I noticed her text messages opened, uh-oh. Mac computers are usually linked to a person's phone. So I was able to see all of her texts. I'm sure you know by now where this is going. Oh, Jesus. Um, since she has gone through my texts before, I figured I would take the same evasive liberty. Well, you've fucked around on it twice.

I would think that she would be doing that. Uh, I found a particularly strange thread from someone named Lauren, whom I found out was actually her ex-boyfriend and she had it in her phone in a woman's name. Oh God. They were sexting back and forth, talking dirty and exchanging pictures. I also found out she was sending him videos of us having sex. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Whoa. Dude, that's, I don't think that's legal. Is that legal? Wait, did you con- oh wait, how does that work? If you consensually let somebody- If you didn't know you were being filmed, I don't think that that's legal. This is what I do know. I'm not a lawyer and I have no idea what the law is.

All right, let's continue. I confronted her on it and at first she minimized the entire situation saying it wasn't really that big of a deal. Since then we've been going back and forth arguing. You know what? You guys are both like not ready to be in relationships remotely. And thank God you both found this out before you got married and had kids. She's since apologized, but I'm not really sure what to do.

I did cheat on her. So does that even the playing field or is the whole thing just rooted in dysfunction and chaos? There you go. Walk towards the light. I can't tell if I'm just lonely and want her in my life again or if I should just walk away. Please help me here. I am emotionally involved in this situation, so it's hard to make a clear objective call. Dude, just walk away.

Walk away and you need to do some work on yourself because I think you're a fucked up dude. And I'm saying this with empathy. You're a fucked up dude who's actually a relationship guy and probably would have just gotten married and fucking had your own little fucking fruit stand or whatever, but something fucked up happened to you as a kid. You got weird boundaries, so you get into relationships with dysfunctional fucking people and then you could consider continue to fuck around on the side and all that. It's actually a very common thing. I would say what you need is you need to be single and you need to do some work on yourself.

I may would go to therapy, figure out what your deal is, really figure out what the fuck it is that you want in life and what it is that you're looking for and then just take a baby step every day walking towards it. That's what I would do, but I would get out of this relationship and I would give her the same advice too. There you go. Get out of it and just know that you're going to be fucking lonely. All it takes is two to three months, you'll be fine. Just make yourself go to the gym. What you got to do is you're breaking a routine and you're fucking used to this person being in your life.

But the further you go without seeing that person, the more objective you can be and you can look back and then one day you're just going to be like, what the fuck was I thinking? And it can actually be funny to you or you can really just see like what the fuck is wrong with me that I would do that to a person and what is wrong with me that someone would do that to me and I would consider staying. You need some self-esteem there, buddy. All right. Girl with pet rat. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dear Billy Christmas Toes. I don't know what that means. I've been listening to the podcast for a long time. I recently came into a situation that resulted in me having to make a decision. Instead of writing into you and asking what to do in the situation, I decided to do what I thought you would want me to do and write in with the results. Dude, don't base your life on what the fuck you think I would want to do, but this is already interesting. Last month, a girl I had been dating got a pet rat.

Oh, boy, got a pet fucking rat. Okay. Is it Angelina Jolie? Did she have a rat or she has Billy Bob's blood around her neck? We had been dating for about four months and it was going well. I would say that if we were together about six months, I would have moved in with her. We really clicked. Well, she got a pet rat and I wasn't down with that, not because I had a problem with a rat in a cage,

but her taking the rat out of the cage and holding it while we watched a movie. Bill, I can barely even stand a cat on a lap because I don't trust him. So I voiced my concern and she laughed them off and ended up being a bigger argument and eventually came back around to the rat. I told her it was me or the rat. She said she'd rather me. Oh, you missed a word here. She'd rather have me, I guess, except there was a long pause and some serious thought. I really liked this girl.

And honestly, if my devotion ever came down to choosing between her and anything short of family or friends, would she or any girl ever accept that? Dude, you're so emotional. You're skipping words here. Probably not. They'd say bail on the guy who's not sure if he choose you or something that potentially spreads diseases. Anyways, that's what happened. Merry Christmas to the birds. Yeah, but what you're doing is she loves that rat and you're making her get rid of something that she loves.

So there's going to be, I guess, a pause. I don't know. I think that it was really bugging you. I think it was really fucking bothering you and you let it simmer and then you just fucking hit it with, you know, you were ready to talk about this for days, weeks. I don't know how long and then you just fucking caught her off guard and she's been bonding with this thing. And you made her make a Sophie's choice between you or the rat, which I got to tell you, I don't know about that move. I don't know about that move. You could have easily just said, listen, I respect the fact that you like a rat.

Okay. You know what? The first thing I would do is I would look up life expectancy of a rat. All right. And I don't mean someone that snitches because I think everybody, even I know at this age is white as I am that snitches get stitches. No kidding. All right. Life expectancy.

What do you guys think? Huh? What's the overrun here? How long can a fucking rat live? I'm going to say they live six to eight years. You know, if those are the prices right now as the last person to fucking, I would say six, but I'm going to say eight years life expectancy of a rat. Two years. Dude, I only live so fucking two years.

All right. This is what you say to her. She hasn't got rid of the rat. Come back and say, listen, I know you love that fucking rodent. Here's the deal. The things only live two years. All right. I plan on being with you in two years.

Can you do me a favor? Make this be the only rat you ever have. All right. Okay. She agrees to that thing and then just put parameters. When I come over and we're watching sleepers in Seattle, I don't want to have a threesome. If you know what I mean, just keep it in the fucking cage. When I'm not here, you want to roll around the floor, get yellow fever, whatever the fuck you wanted, whatever the fucking rats do.

If you want to do that, that's fine. I just, you know, I don't want to fucking deal with the thing. You could have done that, but you know, you kind of made her like, what's she going to do with the rat now? Like how do you get rid of a rat? Is there like a fucking adoption agency? This is going to make me feel bad about my dog again, which has of course been brutal. I'm not going to talk about it. All right.

Yeah. You just let the fucking thing go. Do you know those lines? Do you know, once those people have those fucking lines and tigers and cheetahs for a long enough time, they can't release them back into the wild because they don't even know how to fucking hunt anymore. You know what I mean? That really blew my mind. They don't know how to hunt anymore, but they can murder a fucking housekeeper. I mean, it's just, how the fuck do you have that in the house?

There's no fucking way. This wasn't Kuwait, by the way. I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia. Kuwait, exotic pet deaths. Let's see what we got here. Lions, tigers become problems, pets in golf, big cat, killings, maulings, big cats escape. All right. Here we go.

This is 2014. This is a website you want to go to. Big cat, big cat rescue. All right. Big cat killings, maulings and escapes 2010s before. Lion attacks on humans. Here's a video. I don't know.

Do I want to watch this? Is it weird that I root for the fucking animals? Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Dude, look at those things. I was talking to Verzi and we were talking about these big cats, like those big cats, they're literally the Lamborghinis and Ferraris of fucking, of cats, you know, of animals. Oh my God.

It's fucking, it's got his fucking arm. It's got his fucking arm and he's trying to slap at it. Oh my God. Jesus fucking. You're fucking idiot. This guy's trying to remain calm. This is, dude, there's one guy, he's dealing with this lion attacking him. And then the fucking, there's another guy slapping at the fucking lion.

And it's got his fucking leg. It's just sort of holding him. He's almost away. He's almost away. Oh my God. He's fucking got him again. Dude, you should have got the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there.

And this guy, he's still staying in the fucking cage. Oh, there you go. You're fucking dope. Oh, this is like the top 10. All right. You got to go to this bigcatrescue.org. And this is another guy. He's getting fucking bit by this goddamn thing.

It's weird, man. When they decide that they're going after somebody, like the other guy can just totally be like, you know, the other guy's like the friend in the bar going, come on, man, you don't need this. You don't need this. This thing is just going after this one fucking dude. Lion attack number eight. All right. He's petting the back of the thing.

He's petting it. You know, it's a fucking lion. And then boom, oh, it's got his arm. I've seen this one. It's got his fucking arm. Oh, now his friends, his friends are pulling. It's a tug of war with this guy right now. And the other guy is funny.

He tries to hit the lion, but he's too afraid to go near it. So he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth. Wow. Lion attacks Hunter. I've seen this one. I don't like that one because they killed the fucking lion. Jesus Christ. You know what?

I got to be honest with you. What you don't see in any of these fucking videos is women that own fucking these things. You know, guys are just such fucking dopes. Anyways, all right. That's the podcast for this week. If you guys missed last Thursday's podcast, you got to tune into a rich Scheidner man. This guy gives you basically a standup comedy history class. He's one of my favorite guests I've ever had on the podcast.

I could have talked to him for like two hours. You have to get his book. You know, it's about his life as a standup comedian. Was it walking through the ashes of standup? My life is a standup comedian. You got to get the book because, you know, he started to tell me those Johnny, the first time he did the tonight show, he had cocaine bag, a little baggy cocaine in his fucking pocket.

He said the next time he did it, um, he did a joke about heart attacks and Johnny was really nervous about having a heart attack because he smoked and hated him and they made sure that he stayed in the fucking dressing room. They're like, you never do in the show again and blah, blah, blah and all those type of shit. The fucking book is amazing. Um, but you got to listen to the podcast. I have the links and everything.

It was last Thursday. If you're really a fan of standup, um, it was just effortless. It was one of the fastest hours I've ever done on the podcast. Totally fascinating. Please check it out. It was from, uh, what's today's date? I don't fucking know. It was last Thursday.

God damn it, Bill. Let's see. Thursday, the, uh, we'll see 11, 12, 13, 14. Was it the 15th? Jesus, Bill, come on. Can you, can you get your shit together here? All right. 2016.

Yeah, Thursday, the 15th. Check that one out. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourself. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Thank you for watching. See you next time.