Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-13

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

Bill rambles about Rome, dirty towels and heartburn.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 2nd. 2013. When the mood hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Morte. When a man and a guy have rigatoni on the slide, that's a Morte. Hey, that ain't all that fucking song goes. One man is not supposed to lay down with another man. How dare you say that so close to the Vatican? Ciao bella. Grazie. Prego. Sì. Perfetto. Come a se dice go fuck yourself. Hey, this is Bill Byrne. I'm over here in Rome, Italy. And once again, my fucking mixer. For some reason, it doesn't work over here. And what I'm starting to think is that, you know, when I was in Australia, I just plugged it right into the wall, and that was the end of that. It had no, no, I was going to say surcharge, no circuit breaker. It didn't have, it wasn't a hurricane ready, basically, and it got blown over. But this time I actually got the little adapter or the converter or whatever the fuck it is, adapter, I guess, and it still isn't working.

So here I am. Here I sit, trying to hold my hand steady as I talk directly into my recorder. All right, I don't know what the levels are like. I don't have a mixer. It's going to be a fucking cluster fuck. So there you go. All right, by the way, somebody sent me some stupid tweet going, you know, Bill, when you don't care, we don't care. Just always remember that. I don't know what the fuck that means, but what do you mean we don't care? What is the we in that statement? Huh? What you and all the voices in your fucking head, stop acting like you're running a union. All right, if you don't like my fucking podcast, believe me. There's plenty of other selections here on the All Things Comedy Network. Oh, he slips on a plug. Yes, listen to the echo of this fucking room here. Yeah, so I'm in Rome, Italy, and it is totally lived up to the hype. It's been absolutely freaking amazing. Oh, we I got pizza coming out of my fucking age. I had the worst heartburn last night. I ate two pizzas yesterday, like both within like two hours, like that's how good the pizza is over here and like a fucking camel drinking water.

I know that eventually I'm not going to be here at the source of the greatest pizza on the fucking planet. And then I'm going to go out to Los Angeles, arguably the anti source of the greatest pizza on the planet. So I'm trying to stock up all of those memories. And yeah, the food has just been outstanding here, but you know, just like any place, there's always people living off the legend. So you really have to, you know, you got to ask around is what I did. And when you ask where's a good place to get pizza, you don't do it standing outside the fucking Coliseum, or down there at the Vatican, or the leaning tower of fucking Pisa, right? You don't because you're just going to run into some guy from fucking Detroit. And what you want to do is go up to some Italian dude and find out where the fuck he eats. That's basically what we have been doing. And it's been absolutely. It's been amazing. It's been amazing. So if you're listening to this thing and you always wanted to come to Italy, how about the next time the ghost of Steve Jobs comes out with a new phone? Or some other douchebags make another phone? Why don't you say fuck that phone? My phone still works. I don't need that phone. I can still text. I can still talk. I will save the money I'm going to spend on that fucking $300 hunk of shit. That's not going to be worth anything. It's four months when the next one comes out. And just save up for a plane ticket and get your ass over here. Fucking stay in a cardboard box. Do whatever you got to do. I wish I didn't wait till I was 45 to come over here. Still, it's been awesome. But it ain't that bad. All you have to do is just get your ass over here. I brought the lovely Nia with me. And one of my goals in life is I always wanted to fly first class where you go up the staircases.

I used a bunch of miles and I made sure that we were flying business class. And when we were flying Air France, and when we got to the airport, it was one of those fucking double-decker planes, the A300. And I'm sitting there looking at my ticket and I said, I was like, we were in 63 A and B. And I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I thought we were in business class. I used all these miles. You know, when I'm flipping the fuck out and everything, it turns out we were in business class. We were just in business class upstairs. So they already went through one through 60 downstairs. So we were like row three upstairs. And it was, they had two jetways. We come walking down. They were like, no, sir, you're on the upper, upper deck. So I'm fucking psyched. So we come in there and we're upstairs on an airplane. You know what? It looked just like downstairs. Just looked like a fucking plane, but it was still cool. And we went up there. And I'm going, oh man, look at those nice business class seats. They can fold down. I can lay down. This is going to be great watching all the movies and everything. And then all of a sudden there was this fucking ungodly goddamn fucking smell. You know, New York City body odor, stinking fucking smell upstairs in business class on an international fucking plane. I'm like, what the fuck is that smell? Right? Two words, air France. All right, the key word is not air there. It's certainly not fresh air air France. This fucking French dude. Okay, now I'm not coming down on all the Frenchies here, but I discovered where the stereotype came from in this one passenger. All right. I now understand peppy lapieu. Good fucking Lord with this fucking tight ass goddamn shirt. This guy, I swear to God, arms at his side. He looked like a guy wearing a shirt that didn't fit. Okay, sticking his fucking suitcase up into the overhead compartment.

It was like you were in the back of a cab in New York City in July with no fucking air conditioning. I couldn't, I couldn't fucking believe it. I couldn't believe it. He kept forgetting shit and going back up and every time that that stink was starting to go away. He'd have to reach up and get something. So of course, you know me, I am by no means master of my emotions. So I'm looking over at the lovely Nia who's just taking it in stride. Granted, she also has the window seat. I have the aisle. So I'm right next to fucking stinky lapieu over there. And I'm like, do you fucking believe this? You fucking place fucking spent all this fucking money, the fucking, fucking, fucking business class fucking, fuck, fuck, fucking. She's just like, it's okay. He'll get his comb or whatever and he'll sit down and that's what happened. He sat down and eventually that fucking smell went away. But Jesus Christ. It's fucking unreal, man. You know, and all you hear about when you go to Paris is what cunts they are and how they treat everybody like shit. And I thought, all right, that's that ignorant American thing. Right. But last night I was in an Irish pub. Hilarious. I'm in Rome. I'm in an Irish pub because I have to be honest with you. Like I love Italian food, but you can't fucking I've realized you if you eat it four days in a fucking row. All right, I got octopus come on my fucking knees over here. I just needed what we walked by this, this great strip of stores and all that type of shit. And, and Nia happened to look in there was hockey on like the flyers game was on. And she made it was like, oh, Bill, I know you're going in there. And of course I went in there and then of course two seconds later I met some guy from Boston and we're sitting there talking about when the Pats games going to come on.

It was just fucking great. You know, so it was like it was basically it was heaven. I was in the sports bar. I could watch the Bruins, the Celtics of the Patriots, depending on who was playing obviously. And then I stepped out and I was in fucking Rome and right across the way was one of the best pizza places in Rome had this ridiculous line and I had gotten there early. That's the place where I ate it there twice. I already ate there once and then yesterday I ate there twice. And right now, after getting myself into great shape, I now look like maybe two weeks ago I had a baby. I have a lot of baby fat on me right now. Post pregnancy pooch. I have a cunt belly everybody. I'm not going to lie to you. Then it's disgusting. And right next door was this gelato place. So I was eating pizza and then I was going and getting gelato and then I was coming in and I was drinking fucking. And it was just the best time ever. So there was this Italian guy in there and he's watching the soccer and I'm watching the Patriots. And so we ended up starting to talk. He couldn't really speak English. I can barely speak three words of Italian, but I did know some Spanish. So we were kind of the middle ground with Spanish. So we were kind of communicating. It was really cool using English, Spanish and Italian in our eyes.

But anyways, I'm talking to him and I was saying Italian seemed a little easier to pick up than Spanish because Spanish goes by. They speak so quickly. And with Italian, it's like every third word they draw it up. So they kind of slow it down for you. And he was laughing and saying how he also liked the French speaking French, but he didn't like French people. And I was like, did they treat you like shit too? And he was like, yes, see. And it's just like, wow, just in general, they're just kind of cunts to everyone, which is confusing and fucking hilarious to me all at the same time. I don't know what is their problem over there. All I know is I can't wait to go there. And my dream has always been to be totally fluent and be able to speak French and go to Paris and then just sit there and listen to them say a bunch of horrific shit about me, not realizing I understood every word. Isn't that a weird dream? Isn't that a weird motivation, you know, to learn how to speak the language? Does anybody French listen to this thing? Preferably some, some hearty, they can put on a French maids outfit and teach me the language because I would show up for every class because other than that, I just can't seem to, I just can't seem to fucking dedicate myself to it. So anyways, I hope this is sounding all right. I'm trying not to move the recorder too much. So anyway, so we, we, we land in Charles de Gaulle airport. And as we're coming in on the left side of the, of the plane, we saw a little bit of Paris, which is really exciting.

And really cool because he is always wanting to go there. So she was acting like a little kid, which was great. And we land and we're all excited thinking, okay, now we're only like another hour and a half, whatever, hour and 10 minute flight from Rome. And then of course there was that ungodly fucking smell of that French fuck with his fucking yellow shirt, his yellow button down. I was really looking at the guy like, how the fuck have you managed in life to be able to get into business class here smelling the way you do? Okay, I've had to jump around like a monkey and I wore many layers of deodorant to get where the fuck I am to be sitting next to you on this fucking plane. How do you go into your boardroom? How do you run your cult? How would sell your fucking widgets? Smelling like that. Do you just walk into your place of business with your hands plunged into your slacks like fucking pockets? That's the only goddamn way. I know I'm an angry guy, but I'm just saying this guy smelled so bad like I was actually, I had rage. I should have slapped him with a glove. You know what I'm going to do next time? I'm bringing a white glove when I go to Paris. And when somebody treats me rudely, I'm just going to slap him in the face with that glove. And you know what? I don't think they're going to do anything. Okay, I in general do not have fear of waiters in Paris, even though I've never been there. No, watch the probably a bunch of fucking mixed martial artists. Not only will I get treated like shit by some non-perfume wearing cunt.

Do they even body slam you? Hey, I know this video came out in 2007, but did you ever see that video with that rapper Acon? Is that how you say his name? He's doing a show and somebody threw something at him and he's like, who was it? Point him out, bring him up here. And as they bring this fucking kid up, this nerdy, I think he was an Asian dude, Asian dude. I don't know what, but as he pulls the kid up on the stage in one move. Oh, by the way, he's taken off his Jesus piece and his wife beater. So now he's just standing there shredded in his oversized jeans and he pulls this kid up on stage and in one move puts this kid up over his head like fucking Tony Atlas and then throws him into the crowd. And the dude just lands on some girl. It was the funniest shit like, do you know how bad I would love to do that to a heckler? You know, take off my fucking, my button down stand there with my blinding alabaster fucking shirt with my little, my torso with my cunt belly and just pick somebody up over my head and just throw him into the crowd. Dude, it was like Marvel Comics. The only thing missing is he didn't go, the kid didn't go through a brick building. I don't know what happened and I don't want to encourage anybody to take any sort of action, but I can't imagine if his accountant or his lawyer was in the crowd while watching him do that.

They just must have just been like, hey, well, that's the end of my salary. Looks like we're not having Christmas this year. I'll post that video. You can just search for it by the end of this podcast. I'm sure you've already found it, you know, 58 different places, but Nia showed me that when, you know, we were getting acclimated to the time over here at like two in the fucking morning, we were both wide awake and she showed me that. Goddammit, that made me laugh. That really made me laugh. Who the fuck does the show and does crowd control? I wonder that guy has so much fucking money. He's wearing a lot of hats. So anyways, what am I up to here? I'm going to have to advertise it here in a second. So we finally, a sneaky French guy gets off the fucking plane. We get off the plane and it was the weirdest thing. We were connecting in Paris. So I just thought we would just go connect, but we don't. We had to go through security again. I already went through security to get on the fucking plane and now they want us to go through security again. And I'm like laughing at Nia like, what do you think they, I fucking somehow, you know, made a gun on the plane, like fashion something out of out of the seatback tray. Why are we doing this again? And so we're trying to go through and I got to tell you something about French people. They are some cutting sons of bitches.

If you even remotely aren't on your game, they'll try to pass you in the corners. Like Formula One racing, like when you're just standing there going through the zigzag maze, when you try to deal with these fucking people. And this one guy was doing it so bad, Nia finally just goes, excuse me. And I was like, yeah, dude, what's your, I go, yeah, dude, what's your problem? It's some French guy. And then I had to like stare him down. This was standing in his fucking line. That's going like half a mile an hour. Right. So we finally get through the shit. And then we get on the, the Italian, you know, airlines and we're flying there. You go over the fucking Swiss Alps. It's insane. And then we land in Rome and it's the funniest shit ever. Like we're landing in Rome. They never gave us anything to fill out. There was no, what are you bringing into the country? There was nothing. We go to the airport. There was no, there was nothing.

They didn't check us in. You just got off like I was getting off at Logan airport. It was hilarious. So we get in the cab and as we're going into Rome, I got to tell you something, these people on these scooters over here. I don't, they might be the greatest riders on scooters. I don't know if you can respect that, but like we would be going around a turn and there would be like six of them in a row on our side of the road on the other side of the double line going around traffic on their side. And my driver never slowed down and the guys in the scooter never slowed down. And at the last second they would pinch in to the double line as we went flying by him without a care in the world. Like Centipede is what the video is like a video game. And I've kind of noticed that over here. These fucking drivers are amazing. It's like the way people drive in Boston, like that level of aggressiveness, except I've yet to see an accident. And it even says in the little touristy book that if you're standing in the crosswalk, if you want to get across, you have to make the first move because they don't slow down. So it's yet another reason why I'm having the time of my life over here. And then this Irish pub has just been this oasis like I just go and I saw the Spanish stairs.

I went to the Coliseum. Nia's mom's coming over here, so I didn't do any of the tours of any place yet, but I did just go over to look at the Coliseum and it's just insane. You guys, you got to do it. Okay. Fuck iPads, fuck phones, flat screen TVs and all of that shit. Just, I mean, come over here when no one wants to come over here because it's fucking cold over here, by the way, which is a little bit of a disappointment. But for some reason, I just thought it was, you know, down to the Mediterranean Sea. I just kept thinking, Godfather too, right, we'd be out in the country and I, you know, meet some, you know, gorgeous woman. She'd go out to start my rental car and it would blow up. Then I would cry, you know, Nia would comfort me and say that the threesome was over, you know, I had my dreams. But I came over here and it was cold. It's been cold, but seriously, it's not that big a deal to come over here forever. I never, I don't know, Europe, I just seemed like a zillion miles away. I was like, oh, someday I'm going to fucking do it. If you're not married, you don't have any fucking kids. There's nothing stopping you other than buying those stupid things down at the fucking ice door. And with that, let's, let's try to make some money with some advertising. The man great, everybody. It's that time of year again. This holiday season, think the man great. What is the man great? You may ask. They are 100% made in America cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill.

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Make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you can get the extended free trial and they know that we sent you. Go to huluplus.com slash bill now or click the huluplus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. Alright, that was a perfect fucking read. Go fuck yourselves. Alright, back to the podcast. Finally, it finally happened. So anyways, Nia's mom is here. So today we're actually going to go over to the Vatican. And you know, it's fucking hilarious. Like the other day Nia's going like, alright, the pope's coming out and is going to give Mass at noon. And I'm telling you, like, I look out my window and I can see the wall. I can't. I got to walk down the street and go around the corner. But basically, I can see the wall that surrounds the Vatican. So she goes, you want to go down there? I'm like, yeah, I'll go down there. It's the fucking pope.

Let's see Elvis the priest. I got to go down and go see this guy. And I don't know. Then I was laying in bed the next morning. I was like, I don't know, but fucking go down there for what? After all this shit that they've done. Like that's the place right there behind those walls where they were like, Alright, there's people fucking boys. How are we going to handle this? And they did what they did. Like, why am I going to go down there? I was like, you know what? Fuck it. But I do want to see that painting where there's a person reaching out, touching the other person, like the ET thing. And they're sort of, you know, you ever walk down the street with the male friend of yours in your hands accidentally kind of graze one another? You know, that awful, creepy feeling. Well, somebody painted that on a ceiling. So I knew what's funny right now, the amount of people that actually know the name of that and the artist.

And for some reason they feel that that means that they're smarter than me. You know, I don't think it does. Who wrote that? Was that Michelangelo? Michelangelo? Was it the Count of Montecrisco? Christo, maybe? She read that book too. We've gone into a couple of churches, old churches here, and I just, I just don't like it. I don't like the whole, I don't like the fucking mood they put you in. Like, why do they have to make you so scared of dying in the afterlife? You can walk in and they got the candles. It's all quiet. Why is it so fucking quiet? Is God always taking a goddamn nap? Is he ever in a good mood? I feel like he's some overbearing father and it's dad's home. Everybody quiet, dad's home. I absolutely fucking hate churches. I can't stand them. I fucking went into two of them because I want to go in there and appreciate the fucking architecture. And I go in there and I immediately resent the fucking mood they try to put me in.

This hat in hand, oh my God, am I living my life the right way? Is the invisible thing upset with me? Creepy ass church music. They're just sitting there and people coming in and getting on their fucking knees. They make you do that at Walmart? No. Well, there you go. If you can't do the math on that, I can't help you. But whatever. Knee's mom goes to church. She's a good person. So we're going to go over there today and tomorrow we're going to go to the Coliseum. And those are the two touristy things that I'm doing because other than that, all that touristy shit, you can take it, turn it up sideways and shove it straight up your fucking candy ass because I'm not doing it. I'm done with all of that shit. Stonehenge, go fuck yourself. I'd look at that. You know, I look at stonehenge, you can drive by it and see it. I'm not getting on a fucking plane for 15 goddamn hours next to some smelly French guy.

You know, every time he shifts in his seat, I smell his fucking, I don't know what, the stress of his life. I'm not doing that for 15 fucking hours and then to go stand in line. I'm not doing it. Hey Bill, nobody's saying you have to do it. Good. Well, I'm just making sure you know I'm not. This is what you do when you, when you, when you fucking use some advice. And I know you didn't ask for it. This is unsolicited advice and God knows I love giving it out. When you go on vacation with your fucking lady, you just got to, you got to remember you don't really have anywhere to go. So when they're walking really slowly and window shopping, just know that they have in the time of their life and just slow down and look in the fucking windows too. Okay. Just plunge your hands into your pockets and you know, get your eyebrows up as high as you can get them.

And, and whatever she says, just be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I can see that. That is amazing. She was in the best fucking mode. I finally decided, hey, why don't I stop being an asshole? You know, and stop walking 90 miles an hour to go look at where fucking Caesar dipped his balls in a river and just fucking slow down and let her go to all these shops. I finally think I've realized that all these clothing stores over here for women is like, I don't know. I don't know what, like me going to the pro football hall of fame. It's probably a bad example. I don't know what it is, but they absolutely love it. And if you let them do it and you just go and you sit in that chair next to another sad fucking man and just sit there and let them try on shit and look at stuff. They're having the time at their fucking was one of the smartest things I've ever done in my relationship for like the first day. All we did was just we went down the street that all these great stores.

All these stomach growling here. All these fucking clothes. Like, you know, I don't know women. They go on the internet and they make these clothes and there's only so many of them. And then they run out and then somehow target gets some and then they go down there and they fucking elbow each other and body slam each other and it's just a fucking nightmare. Like, why don't they make it close? They just don't make enough. They just deliberately make them hard to get and they get these women all out of their fucking minds. The next thing you know, you've got to go drive to a target on the other side of the 405 to get something. I don't know what. So when they come over here, they got all these fucking clothes that none of the bitches back in the States can get. So you just let them go in there and try the shit on. You get them a couple, two, three things and you know what, you're good. Even if you meet, you're good, you know. So that's my advice.

Do that. And the next thing you know, they're in such a good mood. They walk by a fucking Irish bar and they go, hey, look, they got the hockey game on. I know you want to go in there. You know, a little give and take. You guys probably already know this shit. All right, so maybe I'm not even saying this to you. Maybe I'm just saying it for me so I fucking remember how not to be an asshole and be someone that you actually want to be on vacation with. Anyways, back to the podcast here. So I was in that Irish pub and so they had on they had on a hockey game and on soccer and then they had on this rugby game and it was rugby. It was Australia versus somebody else. And I got to tell you, every time I come over here, I'm more sold on rugby. It's just a fucking. It's just an awesome game and I really feel like it holds the solutions to NFL football if you're really going to talk about concussions and everything, because they just they lead with their shoulders. You know what I mean? Which I'm sure is how American football used to be. You know, back when they had the leather helmets and you stuck a t-shirt on your shoulder. That was the only pad you maybe had like you led with your fucking shoulder.

You didn't leave with your head. Those helmets were the dumbest idea we ever fucking had every goddamn week. There's another fucking NFL player killing himself or something. It's terrible. So anyways, so you can watch the game knowing that these guys are all going to have back and knee problems and everything. But you know that they're not going to fucking, you know, commit suicide through cops, death by police, you know, that one or kill their whole family and then themselves because they went crazy from slamming their head into somebody else's head for the rest of time. But it's a fucking awesome game. And I don't know. And then they're just the characters. I don't know half the guys fucking just you're looking at the faces. They're out of their minds. I was watching the sound was down. I didn't know what was going on and like every five minutes I would just laugh my ass off looking at some fucking lunatic with long hair and a crazy mustache. It's just was awesome. Totally sold on that game. And I know I've made fun of rugby on this podcast, but it's never like I didn't respect the game. The only reason why it did was because you fucking uninformed ignorant shitheads who don't watch American football think that because American football players have on helmets that they're somehow not as tough as rugby players.

Alright, so you put me in a defensive place. I have to defend it. Alright, you fucking cunts. There you go. Anyways, plowing ahead, plowing ahead. Oh, by the way, I got a I have a book I want to recommend. I'm Bobby or wrote a book. It's called my story. And I'm just blowing through it over here because I got a little bit of jet lag and I got to tell you like

the beginning of that book, whether you're into sports or not should be read at the very least just the beginning. You have to at least read that should be required reading for anybody who's going to be a parent or anybody in life who wants to, I don't know, either maximize their own potential or not get in the way of other people. Trying, you know, to develop whatever gift that they had and he was basically talking, you know, if you don't know hockey, whatever, Bobby or basically he changed the game, especially the position of being a defenseman back in the day. All the defenseman did when his team had the puck was basically skate up to the blue line and just stop there. And your whole goal was basically keep it in the offensive zone and not get caught up ice. And but Bobby or was so fast, he would actually go down crashed and that his first defenseman to score over 100 points.

He ushered in the error of an offensive defenseman, which was was was completely unheard of. But when he started playing hockey, he was playing forward and he was playing defense and he kind of switched off. And I don't know if you seem like they naturally came together, both aspects of playing, you know, both those positions, but he was lucky enough to have a coach that didn't say like, well, now you're playing defense and this is how you play defense, you play it from here to here. He actually let him create. And I don't know, I saw a lot of parallels to that and the business that I was in that I'm in where it's like he was talking about how, you know, kids when they first start playing hockey should not be you should not be introduced to any sort of system of playing hockey until I don't know, you're like 1560, whatever, when you start getting old enough where you're going to actually play in a game that means something.

Other than that, you should just let kids create with the puck. And it, I don't know, teaching a kid is basically a system when he's five years old is slowing down the growth of the game, I would think. And there's a lot of parallels like within stand up where like, oh, don't talk about this. That isn't funny or I don't know, as people try to find their voice or whatever, there's like all these fucking rules. I don't know, I'm trying to think of a of a actual spoken rule in comedy, but there you basically just through watching all this other people do and stand up, you kind of get these ideas of like stand up exists from here to right here. And it's the same like idea people had on being a defenseman and hockey. I don't know. And I guess, hopefully, if you're an upcoming comic, you're not working, you're not opening for some cunt of a headliner who's telling you,

as you go to do something that's outside of the realm of what they think is possible that they go, no, you should never do that. You should never lean on the mic stand with your left hand, always have it on the right hand. I don't know. Whatever. You know what? He wrote it. You read it. He's a genius. I'm a moron. It took me fucking 10 minutes to get to that fucking point. I apologize. Please do not judge the book on my rambling right there. All right, are we to the point here? 38 minutes and I got to start reading some shit here. By the way, the Patriots somehow won another one. Although let up what would we let up 31 points? I was watching that Texans game and watching that game is why we're going to make the playoffs and also why we're probably going to lose in the first round

because anybody with a defense we're going to be in fucking trouble because we we have too many fork and injuries over there. All right, here we go. Dubai. Hey, Bill, I think you would do great in Dubai if you would do a show here. Think about it. I have thought about it and I've thought about some of the things that I talk about and I've thought about how I don't know what the rules are in your country and I've thought about getting beheaded while I was on stage. And I know most of that's probably ignorant because I've had friends who go over there. But when I picture doing stand up in the Middle East, I picture a bunch of women in burkas, me walking up there going, hey, ladies, why don't you show me what's under the robe there? And then I immediately get grabbed by some sort of secret police.

And then I'm in that orange jumpsuit rocking back and forth slowly preparing myself to get my head sought off. Now, I'm sure that doesn't happen. But that's what I think of. I would love to do it. I'll fucking go over there to your makeshift city with your tall ass buildings. The 10th city right outside of it where everybody built the city. Isn't that how it goes? And then Oprah goes there and is like, there's no taxes. There's no nothing. This is a utopia. Did you ever see that when she goes to the happiest places on earth? She went to some place in the Middle East where they said there's no taxes and everything's for free and she completely bought it. Like if you're going to live that way that there wasn't then a group of people that you were just standing on top of their fucking heads.

Ah, Jesus. And you know, it's bad enough you're pretending you're reading all of those goddamn books. And every every once in a while when the fucking wolf set the door you give away a bunch of fucking minivans to keep everybody at bay. It's just, you know, unfucking believable. Panama. Hey there, red big fan of the podcast been listening to it for the best part of 2013. You mean for the better part of 2013 and it's really an inspiration and a relief that there is angry people who react to shit like I do. You should come down to Panama. Ah, Jesus Christ.

Well, what month can I go down there where I wouldn't just fucking exphyxiate from the heat? You're telling a redhead I should come down to the goddamn equator and do what? Catch malaria? A big part of the population speaks English. We were a U.S. colony for 100 years. I know I remember that. And then Jimmy Catta, didn't he give you your freedom? Also, the ex-patriot community is huge. A lot of pasty old balls roaming our beaches.

Oh, okay. The point is you would have an audience down here. You would get kidnapped down here. It's too hot. Oh, you wouldn't, you should say. I think you were trying to say you wouldn't get kidnapped down here. It's too hot down here for that. And thugs don't have the energy.

Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself. Well, what is there to do down in Panama? The only thing I know about Panama is the canal and how you guys dug it and died. And then we took the credit and then we own the Panama canal. That's what it was. I think Jimmy Carter finally turned it back over to you guys. And then Manuel Noriega. And the only reason why I remember his name is because of that Sebastian Bach story that I told you guys.

But if you knew the podcast, I'll tell it really quickly when we were having issues with Manuel Noriega, which if I read up, I'm sure we put him in power and everything was cool. And then he wanted to run more of his country. And then we said he was a terrorist. That's usually how it goes. All right. That's the dysfunctional relationship that we have with just about every country. That isn't a first world country.

We're like that guy who keeps picking the psycho chick. Manuel Noriega, Saddam Hussein. We just keep picking the wrong person to stick into power that we can then use as a puppet. I think on our first date with our next dictator, we really need to ask what is his relationship with his parents or his parents' divorce so they're still together before we start making the same fucking mistakes again. Anyways, plowing ahead. The only reason why I remember Manuel Noriega's fucking name is because I went to this Aerosmith show, New Year's Eve show at the Boston Garden in December 31st, 1989.

I was a convicted drunk driver. I wasn't convicted at that point. Was I waiting trial or my arraignment? I mean, I just admitted guilty. I mean, I blew a fucking 1-9. There really was no case there. Anyways, so I go to the thing and I'm stone sober and Skid Row is opening up. And for some reason, Sebastian Bach decided to talk about world politics to a bunch of hair metal moron people like me.

And this is how he got into it. He was wearing leather pants, of course, was required. And he said, hey, man, what's up with this Manuel? And he grabbed his dick and he goes, suck my fucking burrito, man. And there was a pause and everybody cheered. And then he just said something. I think we should just nuke this guy back to the fucking stone age, man. And everybody just goes everybody cheering.

For some reason, we thought he just summed up our fucking foreign policy perfectly. But he's Canadian. So it's nice to hear him sound as fucking ignorant as an American. You know, hey, is my stomach been growling? I just realized I'm sort of hearing that in the background, my stomach growling. I got up early here. I got to do the podcast. What do you want from me?

Go fuck yourselves. And by the way, I'm kind of shitting on America here. I'm not acting as if any other country would handle their position of power any better than we have. So fuck you and get off your high horse. All right, smelly roommate. Billy, the schmeckle-faced chamele. Oh, by the way, somebody helped me with my Yiddish here. Schmuck is a grown man's penis.

A schmeckle is what a little kid has. So when they're breaking each other's balls, I guess they say, you went on a date last night, did she touch your little schmeckle there? Except they do it with more of a fucking Jackie Mason accent. First off, love to stand up and podcast. Looking forward to catching you the next time you stop near Albany, New York. I'm a 25-year-old guy living with a 26-year-old male roommate. Things are swell for the most part.

Swell? What fucking year was this written? But he is some interesting quirks. Most of these are no big deal. I live with tons of roommates, and I know the deal. Pick and choose your battles. However, his stinky-ass towel is starting to become an issue, and I'm not sure how to confront him about it.

He owns one towel, and he only washes it every four to five weeks or so. Jesus Christ. He showers every day. Don't get me wrong, but you do the math. The thing is, stiff is cardboard and smells like death. Why would you do that? There's nothing worse than a dirty towel after you come out of a fucking shower, you know? You're smelling like fucking fructose, whatever the hell, bath, body wash thing you're making.

They're making, you know? You put it on you, right? They're Frenchy. You put it on you, especially in your fucking armpits. Maybe you glue the bottle, saw it in half, and stick it under both armpits. You cut, and then you go out there, and you take that dirty-ass towel, and you smell like shit again. That guy's an animal. Anyways, he goes, it's the point where you can smell the damn thing outside the bathroom.

I don't know if he doesn't have a good sense of smell, or if he's just used to it. How the fuck am I supposed to confront him about his abnormal towel practices without hurting his feelings and making things weird? Thanks, and have fun in Europe. Alright. Wow, without hurting his feelings? Dude, fuck his feelings. This is what you do.

Go to bed, bath, and beyond. Alright, and just go buy him three cheap towels, and then call him into the bathroom. And right before he gets there, you already have his old towel in the tub, covered in lighter fluid. And right as you hear his footsteps coming around the corner, you light that towel on fire. And you are sitting Indian-style on the tank behind the toilet. And as he walks in, just go, And just get him in that, oh my god, I'm in church, I'm not worthy of being here. As you burn his fucking towel, and never say anything.

Just be holding all three new towels. And as he talks to you, what are you doing? There's smoke alarms going off. Just never break character. And just fucking hand him the towels. And then never bring it up again. He'll get the point. Do you want to go a more conventional route?

If you want to go a more conventional route, just say, hey, this is what you do. You're front-end loaded with compliments. You know, yeah, I love the way you part your hair. Even when you eat crunchy cereal, it's not that loud. And you know, you like watching sports like me. Having said that, or you might want to go with, however, either way, your index finger should be up in the air pointing towards the ceiling, not at him. Don't be confrontational, but do draw a line.

However, finger up in the air, your fucking bath towel. Okay. Just say what you told me. It smells like death. I can smell it on the other side of the door. Okay. It smells like the armpits of a French guy upstairs on an airplane. It fucking reeks. You gotta, you know what, I would buy him new towels.

I would buy new towels, and I would do it. I would burn his other towel. Literally, I would burn it. Burn it in the fucking driveway, in the parking lot. Light that fucking thing on fire. Have a garden hose right there. Make it safe. Maybe some baking soda, depending on what sort of lighter fluid you use.

All right. I would burn that fucking thing. And just, I mean, the easiest way to do it is when he's not there, you just burn it. If you don't, if you sound like you don't like confrontation, you gotta go quality of life here. I would go quality of life. Okay.

This guy, I mean, you want the problem gone. So I would burn his fucking towel, and I would just have three other ones sitting there, ready for him to go, and just say, listen, dude, every other week, you gotta do this, man. Okay. Because not only does your towel smell like shit, then you wipe it on yourself, you're gonna smell like shit.

And that's greatly gonna affect the level of pussy that not only you're gonna get, but I'm gonna get. Because if we come, if I bring a woman home, and she comes in here, and she smells that fucking towel, and she's thinking it's me, or even if she doesn't, she doesn't want that thing on her fucking upper lip. All right. You smell like ass, despite the fact that you're showering every day.

It's not you, it's your towel. It needs to be just, just fucking burn the thing. All right. It needs to be safe way. Okay. If you accidentally burn down your apartment, that's on you. If you take shit to court, is he gonna take you to court over there?

I don't think he is. I don't think he is. He's doing him a fucking favor. Go to fucking Target at one of those goddamn places, and just go by. All right. I'm gonna say the same thing over and over again. That's, I always fucking hated that shit about having roommates.

That whole guy thing where you fucking live like a goddamn animal. I've never understood that. Letting dishes pile up and all that shit. I never did that. I was clean. My desk was always a fucking mess. Come tax time, I had receipts all over the fucking place, but when it came to food and hygiene, plates, trash being thrown out,

that stuff was all taken care of. All right. My clothes might be all over the place. All right. But they were clean. All right. Ruin the mood. Dear Billy Sammonskin.

That was a good one, you fucking asshole. All right. My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for a couple of years. Oh, that was a lady saying that. That makes it even funnier. Look at you. You're a hot shit and somebody can bang you. You're killing it on two fronts.

My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for a couple of years. And yes, I realize how sexist I was. He introduced me to your comedy and podcast the beginning of last year. And since then I've been a fan. We've been living in different towns for the last couple of months, and I was finally able to go visit him for Thanksgiving. I spent a long time and I needed to scratch my itch there. So we're getting ready to get intimate and I tell him to play something

because we didn't want the roommates to hear us in our throws of passion. And lo and behold, he turns on your podcast. Oh my God. That's fucking weird. He goes, he was 100% ready to do it with your voice in the background. Needless to say, my mood was killed. Thank you, Billy. Dude, I don't tell you to play it during your lovemaking.

Jesus Christ, what do you want me to add? You got to talk to him. Why does he want the sound of my voice going on in the background? Does he have a crush on me or is he one of the few males who has the ability to be laughing while coming at the same time? Are those two emotions possible? What would that organism sound like? I think it would sound a little something like 80s comedy, everybody.

I don't know what to tell you, sweetheart. I don't think that that's on me. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to croon for you? Do you guys want to fuck to this podcast? Lady love, your love is smoother than a baby's ass. My lady love. That's actually Lou Rawls' best song, by the way.

I just butchered it. It's funny about back then when pedophilia was really underground. Underground? Takes the underground, yeah? A lot of the lyrics back then, it's my stomach fucking growls again. A lot of the lyrics back then, you couldn't get away with today. Like when I was in some fucking bar over here. And I wasn't even thinking, I was just singing along to the song

before Nia finally goes, alright, that's creepy. I think it said, was it Ringo Starr? You're 16, you're beautiful and you're mine. I'm not even thinking, right? I'm just listening to the melody. You're 16, you're beautiful and you're mine. And she just goes, alright, that's creepy. And I'm like, yeah, that is kind of creepy.

He's singing about an underage girl. Underage lady. People sit there nowadays and they sing that fucking sweet Caroline. I've talked about that a zillion fucking times. He wrote that song about Caroline Kennedy when she was like 12. Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching you, touching me. Fucking creepy. And if you listen to that Lou Rawls song, Lady Love,

something you'll love is softer than a baby's touch. I know what he means, but just, you know, who's getting who? To catch a predator ruined a lot of pop songs. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Stamps.com everybody, with the holiday almost here. You don't have time to go to the post office. You're a busy motherfucker, baby. Traffic parking, it will be packed with everyone mailing holiday gifts and packages.

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So easy and convenient. I use Stamps.com to send out all my t-shirts, my magnets. Alright, never my magnets. My t-shirts, by the way, podcast t-shirts are available. I'm selling my stuff within selling this. My DVDs, my posters, all of that. And I'm a moron. So if I can figure it out, you can too.

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There's one more. Jesus Christ. Evoise. The holidays are coming. And as a business owner, you know what that means. Crickets. Face it. The next couple of months are the calm before the storm.

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Go to evoise.com slash billburr or go to billburr.com and click on the Evoise banner. That's evoise.com slash billburr or billburr.com and click on the Evoise banner. All right. Now's the time to take charge of your business and prepare for your productive 2014. Do it now, please. All right. New banker scan. Oh, by the way, the podcast teachers have been flying off the shelf.

So I want to thank you guys for helping me clear out my garage. I always get nervous whenever I have anything new to sell that nobody's going to buy it. And then what am I going to do with it? Send it back to Honduras. New banker scan. Hey, Billy boy. Supposedly the housing market is on the rise again, but the reasons for it aren't being told. Big banks are buying up tons of homes across the country in cash with the intent to rent them out.

Not so bad until you realize that they're going to take those rental payments, group them together as a security and sell them to investors just like they did with the mortgage securities that tank the economy. So they basically made millions of people homeless so they could buy back these houses cheaper and then rent them back to us at prices that will probably rise over time because they own the houses outright. When will it end? Here's a link to the article. Well, I hope it explains. I don't understand what a security is. I don't even know what the fuck that is. All I know is that every dime that I have goes extra goes to the principal on my house. And that's the way you should do it. If you're a youngster and you haven't bought a house yet.

Don't buy something where you can just make the payment. Buy something where you can knock down the principal because banks, they do own everything. And even when I pay off my house, stupid stomach, even when I pay off my house, even then it's just a matter of time before they own it again. They're just waiting for me to die and then they're going to get it back again. It's awful. They own everything. They fucking own everything. He goes, anyway, just want to let you know you've helped me through a lot in my life and I can't thank you enough. Thanks for doing what you do and go fuck yourself. No worries. All right. Well, if you guys want to read more about this banking thing, it's www.motherjones.com. It's the backslash, by the way, backslash 11 backslash wall street dash buying dash foreclose dash homes.

Oh, we could just put the link up for you aging. All right, I got to wrap this up people. I'm supposed to go into the fucking touristy thing here. Dear Bill, Bill Salabim. All right, I'm 43 years old and people tell me that I look like I'm in my early 30s. I don't really care much or think about it, but I am writing to you about it. So obviously I do. I added that part. He said, but every now and then my friends tell me I should be taking advantage of it. I don't really know what that means. I'm single and I date here and there.

Should I be looking for young tail? Jesus Christ, do they have to spell it out for you? Apps of fucking Lutely. Go get yourself a Letterman sweater. Maybe you look like you're 22. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know what? You were raised right. Or were you? You're 43 and single. That means you're a psycho like me. Is that what the kids call it? Young tail?

Should I show up to an arcade fire concert in skinny jeans and live tweet the concert? How do I take advantage of looking and feeling young? Dude, you don't want to do that. Look, you're 43. If you want to bang a 30-year-old, by all means, go at it. You know what? Fuck whatever you want to fuck. Who am I to tell you what? You should bang. I always just had a number that I couldn't go below. And as I got older, that number went higher.

And that's just basically what it was. And I really think you're a fucking creep if you're 38 and you can fuck a 22-year-old. You're a fucking creep. All right. If you're 38, I wouldn't go younger than 26. 26 is starting to get weird. What are you going to talk about? So, what do you... Are you going to go to graduate school?

You know, as you're getting your fucking prostate checked. How do you take advantage of looking and feeling young? I don't know. Just be glad you got great jeans. Go out there and try to find love. All right, sir? Don't listen to your dumb-ass friends. You should be out there fucking an 18-year-old. That's what I do. I'm a miserable married guy. All right. Here's the wrap-up, everybody.

That's the podcast for this week. I'm very excited. The European tour is finally here. I want to thank everybody in Rome, Italy, for living your lives the way you do and your wonderful food and all that. I'm definitely coming back. I fucking love this place. And I'm actually looking forward to going to France one day, and I know that guy smelled and everybody says they treat you rudely.

I still want to go. But, yeah. Thank you to everybody who bought tickets. So, I could actually afford to fucking come here and eat some pizza and get some heartburn. You know? Walk around and go into creepy churches and all that. I'm not even joking, man. I really appreciate it.

So, my tour starts... When does it start? It starts on Wednesday. I'm in Glasgow. And after Glasgow, can you hear me opening my phone trying to check the dates here? It goes. Wednesday, I'm in Glasgow. December 4th, December 5th, I'm in Amsterdam.

For two days, by myself. What am I going to do there? Jesus Christ. Pot brownies and whores in the windows. The 7th and 8th, the weekend, I'm in London. On the 9th, I'm in Dublin. On the 10th, I'm in Helsinki. On the 11th, I'm in Copenhagen.

On the 12th, I'm in Oslo. The 13th, I'm in Stockholm. And then the 14th and 15th, I wrap it up in Reykjavik, Iceland. And then I come home, all fucking jet-lagged, with frostbite. Alright? I'm looking forward to telling you guys all the stories. Next week, my podcast will be from London.

And the final week after that, it will be in Reykjavik, Iceland. Alright? Travelling the world. Not having any guests. Living an unexamined life. I'm Bill Burr. This has been the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. And now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

Once again, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smart phone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billburr.com and click the Hulu Plus banner. Excuse me. Billburr.com and click the Hulu Plus banner. Sure, that's clear. Or go to huluplus.com slash bill.

That's huluplus.com slash bill. Once again, have a great week and go fuck yourselves. Yeah, top.