Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-24

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Bill rambles about pitch meetings, Thanksgiving, and 'gratuities'. Zip Recruiter: Go to wwwZipRecruiter.com/BURR right now and try it for free.  Indochino: Upgrade your closet and shop discounted custom pieces and bundles at www.Indochino.com during their Black Friday Sale, November 18th through December 1st, and their Cyber Sale from December 2nd to December 8th. Public Rec: Stop suffering in regular pants and give the gift of comfort this Holiday Season! For a limited time only, our listeners get 20% off when you use code [BURR] at checkout. Open Phone: OpenPhone is offering 20% off of your first six months when you go to www.OpenPhone.com/BURR

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. December 2nd. Oh, what a fucking pass! No interference. Look at the NFL letting them play. December 2nd 2024. What's going on? How are ya? Oh Billy's back. He's back. Oh Billy's back. Back again. Guess who's back. Tell a friend. I had into a podcast on Thanksgiving. I planned to, but you know, I got to talk

around this. We had some friends over and you know, you have a smoke weed with people who smoke weed all the time. They have different weed. This dude, I love him to death. He told me this shit was an, he called it an afternoon weed. Yeah, it's a sativa. You know, it's an afternoon weed. I took three hits of that fucking thing and I don't think I was, I was, I was at Thanksgiving, but I wasn't at Thanksgiving. You know, I was, I was, I was at Thanksgiving, but I wasn't at Thanksgiving. You know, I was, you know, I was, I was there, I was eating, but just Nia said like nine times, don't, don't talk to him. He's useless.

It was like a couple of moments where, you know, it was a dad moment and someone was going, oh, you know, blah, blah, blah. I felt bad the next day. Like that's, that's not me. I never do that shit. I have, I have a strict rule about that, that, you know, I'm not, you know, I don't booze anymore. I've laid off the cigars.

And so occasionally I smoke weed. I've just never been a weed guy, but my rule is my kids have to be in bed. They got to be in bed. And I broke the rule and Oh, did I pay for it? Um, Oh my God. And then I ended up vibing with one of my buddies and we were saying this shit. We were fucking laughing our asses off. You ever have something just you and you and your buddy get it and nobody else gets it. We were saying this shit, we were fucking laughing our asses off. You ever have something just you and your buddy get it and nobody else gets it?

We were doing this thing. We were talking about, you know, Hollywood really hasn't been buying a lot of things this year, but they're still taking pitch meetings, which is funny. So you get these pitch meetings, you put it all together. You got your tap dance shoes on your top hat and cane and you're fucking you're pitching them this shit, right? And they're not buying it. So I was pitching a show with a buddy of mine Who's not really in this business, but he came up with a good idea

I was like dude, let's fucking we wrote a pilot. We did the whole thing. We got artwork did the whole fucking thing You know a pitch And pitched all these people that die and laugh and they love it and everything but nobody buys it So I told him my guy, you know, I don't know what's going on. They haven't been buying stuff. I don't know if they're still pissed from the strike. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Right. So he goes, well, if they're not buying anything, like why are they taking meetings? And I started thinking like, yeah, why are they doing that? Just wasting our time. So that was the jump off point for the joke.

Cause I go, you know, to get them back, we should keep taking pitch meetings and just pick some terrible fucking ideas and waste their time back. So we started coming up with sequels, me and my buddy, right? We started coming up with sequels to movies that didn't need a sequel. And we're just trying to make the worst movie ever. And the first one, my goes he goes all right he goes he goes too flu over the cuckoo's nest And then I go yeah, I go this time. He's keeping the sink right Which was the funniest shit ever to us If you watch one flew of the cuckoo's nest spoiler alert in the end when chief breaks out he fucking yanks this. I don't know what This crazy sts sink for crazy people.

So it's like literally double bolted into the ground. He fucking lifts this thing up and he threw it through the window and that's how he got out. And so we were gonna pitch the story of whatever happened to the sink. And the whole movie, it was gonna be like, one flew over the cuckoo's nest meets the fugitive and the chief, the Indian was going to be running with the sink the whole movie like a football because it meant something to him because he's nuts.

And Tommy Lee Jones was going to be chasing him. Dude, I was high. This shit was funny as hell to me. So I'm like, yeah, and then you can have that waterfall scene like in The Fugitive. And he, and I'm like the, the Indians talking like really bad, you know, white movies that we made about Native Americans. And he's going like, this one sink means something to me. And then Tommy Lee Jones like, I don't care. He jumps over the fucking waterfall down in the waterfall with the sink.

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it wasn't that funny, but we were crying laughing and they were just endless. Big part two. This time it isn't statutory rape cause that's the thing. Now the big thing now is for all these young people to be like, Oh my God, you see revenge of the nerds. Oh my God. It's like, it's like a fucking rape scene in there Hello, whoa, the 80s were weird, but that's cuz it happened to a woman But no one gives a fuck about the little boy. That was a little boy in that fucking adult body. That was a ten-year-old brain

Getting some 35 year old Harry puss jumping on his fucking now all of a sudden man-sized dick like that wouldn't fuck him up Imagine if that was flipped if Big was about a woman and then she went there and some fucking junior executive fucking jumped on and started pounding away. I mean that's a that's a completely different movie. The French Patient. This time he's French. Listen the whole purpose was to was to waste their time. Michael Douglas is back in questionable consent. This is what we were doing on Thanksgiving and me and my buddy were fucking crying laughing and everybody else was just staring.

I go, this time he keeps the sink? That's not funny. Nia's just staring at me. She's just going, Bill, yeah, hi. I go, I know I am, but that's picture the poster. The big Indian chief running like it's a football and fucking Tommy Lee Jones in a police car trying to drive after him. It's like the six million dollar man too because he's out running the car. They just weren't having it. They weren't having it. Maybe it was woefully miscast. Anyway, but that's like my favorite thing to do now. Is just come up with these bad pitches because

I don't know. I had a couple of really good ideas and they do. I might just do the Shane Gillis thing and just fucking make the thing and then see if, you know, that takes big balls because then if you don't sell it, then you're sitting on this fucking thing. Everybody's always like, good, just put it on YouTube and then you can get your money back. Now, YouTube, if they flag your video, listen to this scam. If YouTube flags your video, you don't get advertising money on it. If somebody complains, it gets flagged. So then I said to them, I go, does that, so

then that means you don't run an ad on it? They go, no, we still run the ad. I go, well then who keeps the money? And they're like, I don't know. You're keeping it, you cunts. So now what's stopping you from having a room full of people flagging videos on your own fucking site to make more money? You know, I remember one time I was talking to a streaming service and they were talking about how something I did performed. And they were trying to like, you know, I was going, I think I should be making this amount of money.

And they're going like, nah, it should be this. And I go, you got to be fucking kidding me. That last thing I did killed. And then they're like, well, you know, it didn't do as well as so-and-so's, blah, blah, blah. And I go, how would I know that? How the fuck would I know that? All the information is going to you.

All I know is what you're telling me. What's to prevent you from telling me my thing's underperforming when it isn't? And he literally goes, well, you know, we could get in trouble for fraud. I'm like, by who? Who the fuck is watching you? Nobody is watching these people. That's what's funny.

There's a booking agency that I'm working for currently for the third time. The government's going after them saying that they're a monopoly and nothing's gonna happen. It's unfucking believable. They own the venues, they own the fucking ticketing, they produce the fucking shows. I mean, it's open and shut. The whole fucking thing is open and shut. It's like beyond a monopoly. But what happened is, is they deregulated capitalism. Deregulated is a fucking nightmare. Regulated is fantastic. Now we took the leash off. Remember those fucking parents, those parents that had their kids on leashes? That's the way the government

used to be with these fucking corporations. They'd be like, all right, all right, no, no, no, no, no. You can't buy that other corporation because then you're going to have too much market share and that's going to be too fucking crazy. That's all they were doing. And then the corporations were like, see, man, like it's things like that, that prevents us from doing even more business and growing even bigger because the bigger we grow, then we're going to create all these jobs. And the politicians believed it on both sides. And, and now look at it. Now they call monopolies consolidation. Um, and then they got Democrats and

Republicans yelling at each other as if we're playing football against each other. When we're not, we're on the same fucking team. I'm going to say this every fucking week. It's a public service announcement. It needs to be said. We are not on opposite teams.

We're on the same fucking team. The same dick that is in your ass is in my fucking ass. There you go. All right. It's not me versus you. It's us versus them, but we're yelling at each other. So they're sitting in the stands now just laughing at us as we

try to move the ball like Ohio State. Oh, that was unnecessary. All right. Before I get too far into this podcast, this podcasting here, one of my great friends in this business and an incredible comedian and just artist in general and person, Bianca Cristavallo's show, Gold Digger. Saturday December 7th at Union Hall in Brooklyn, 702 Union Street. Doors open at 7 p.m. You know, I've had a lot of people open for me over the years and she's right at the top of the list and she's just been killing it. I don't want to tell all her business, but she's been out there selling stuff, writing projects and selling stuff.

And I kind of knew from early on, I'm like, there's no way she's not gonna make it because she's not sitting around waiting for someone else to give her an opportunity. She is creating her own opportunities by working her ass off day and night. So I am beyond proud of her. I love her to death.

She's gonna be at Union Hall in Brooklyn, New York, Saturday, September 7th, doors open at 7 p.m. Go see her show and. I love I'm loving all her new stuff. All right. Now let's move on. What did I brought it up? Michigan versus Ohio State. I'm not going to sit here and act like I had any idea that game was going to go like that.

That reminded me of when a brawler gets into the ring with a boxer. And the boxer knows all I got to do is just box. I'm technically better than this person and I can win this game. And Michigan, their game plan won out. You know what they were going to do is fucking run the ball and eat up the clock. This is going to be a possession thing. They have they're better than us at every offensive position and

I don't know what the fuck, you know, the defense played fucking great. Would they have two picks a bunch of deflected balls Stopped him in the red zone. I don't even know how many times they came away with no points And it was a classic big ten game ten to to 10 at the half, 10 to 10 into the fourth quarter. Final score 13 to 10. I mean, it was a sloppy game. It was an ugly game. But like what they did in a very sloppy way was how those early Belichick Brady teams used to beat like the fucking Indianapolis Colts when they had the three-headed monster. We would somehow make it we would just somehow dominate the time of possession and get some turnovers and pressure the quarterback and take away their best guy you got to

beat us with your second guy all of that And it fucking worked like a charm. So with that, for the first time in a long time, unfortunately, there were seniors graduating on that Buckeye team and in the stands, who the Buckeyes lost to Michigan all four fucking years. I mean, now let's be honest, that happened in Michigan for about fucking three generations, beginning part of this decade. So this century, I should say, I feel like from like 2001 until they finally beat him

in when they were 2021. Anyway, so congratulations to them. Alabama stomping all over Auburn in the War Eagle game, whatever, Iron Bowl. Every year I say I'm going to that, and this year I asked my lovely wife Saturday night. I was like, I'm going to that. And she goes, when is it? I go, it's the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

I go, I'm going to that. She goes, no, you're not. And then I go, well, that was, it wasn't a question. It was a statement. And then she just laughed. We're on a date. We are like a couple's date, right? The other couple, she, Nia laughed and goes, see, that's how I do it.

He's picking up on my tricks So anyway, I'm gonna go to that and it's in Auburn because I've already been to a game in Alabama and I want to see that, you know when they let the eagle go and Who knows, you know? With all of this payola that's out in the open now, who knows what happens who knows what the fuck happens and then lastly Notre Dame versus USC, AKA pedophiles versus Paola. Right here. Nobody called it that. Right here in LA Memorial Coliseum.

There's fucking nobody there. He was outside the pocket. He has to protect himself. He's got to protect himself. I will say this. I love college football. He's outside the pocket. He has to protect himself. He's got to protect himself. I will say this. I love college football. I love Lamp. I love Lamp.

I love college football because it looks like the football I grew up with. But whenever they implement that red light, one, two, three, red light, kickoff, and they start, oh my God, they're going to start protecting quarterbacks like that because they're going to have like a $10 million guy on the field. And here's another thing, if I'm the NFL, you know, this, this has to be, they got to be sitting around going, you know, a problem we had way back in like the 1930s, 20s and 30s is when they first got the professional football league going. when they first got the professional football league going, college football was way more popular. And over the years, maybe they always credit that Giants-Colts

game at Yankee Stadium, the greatest game ever played or whatever, but that put the NFL on the map. I mean, they were already going by that point. Jim Brown was playing. They had all these great guys, Bobby Lane, um, you know, Paul Brown and all of those guys over there, Otto Graham, you know, midnight train lane or whatever fuck his name was all of those old school guys, right? Um, you know, it took them a good 20, 30 years to, to kind of get going.

Right. Um, and before like baseball was a national pastime, like the two biggest things was horse racing and boxing were the two big ones. It's so amazing. And then baseball kind of takes over. Um, and then football starts to kind of put a dent in basketball is sort of like, you know, this and hockey we're, we're, we're, we're, you know, on the outside looking in basketball until the eighties,

even with the company, the ABA was taken off or whatever, but the eighties was when, you know, bird and magic, Dr. J into Jordan and they are where they are now. And then the fight game comes back with the fucking UFC. So this shit's all cyclical, right? And meanwhile, soccer worldwide known as football has always been killing it. So I feel like the NFL is in this really weird place right now where it's like they're desperately trying to go international. And I say desperate because I feel like people don't give a fuck about this game, right? But they

And I say desperate because I feel like people don't give a fuck about this game, right? But they they they've been having shows and shows games in Berlin. They've been England and whatever trying to like get some sort of fan base shit going for that NFL Europe thing that they tried a long time ago. And but meanwhile, here comes college football. Now they're paying people. And now they have like this fucking 12 team playoff system that starts in December. Now I got to ask you, what the fuck are you watching the end of December? Are you watching games 15, 16, 17, where most teams are out of the playoffs? Or are you going to be watching college football's version of March

Madness. I would be very concerned about that. You know, the NFL, how they're like, we own fucking Sunday. And then, you know, and then everybody's like, all right, man, Sunday's your fucking day. All right, you got Sunday. And then they took Monday. They took Monday nights and now they're taking Thursday.

Right? Like your fucking ex just keeps dragging you back to court trying to get more fucking money out of you. Well now I think that I think this is going to be, NFL is going to be the NFL, but this is going to be one of these things where you know the other person's losing the fight and then all of a sudden there's that uppercut that just twists the dude's head around almost past his shoulder and the announcer goes, oh he hurt him, he is hurt. He's just trying to survive the round. I think that that's what this is gonna be. And I am all for it. This fucking college football playoff,

and they're getting paid now, so you don't have to feel guilty going, these kids are out here. Every time you see somebody go down in these extra games, you're like, fuck. You know, the Willis McGahey thing, right? For no money. And then they get in trouble selling their own jerseys. Now they're finally fucking paying them. They're finally admitting. Okay, we'll make a ton of money off of these fucking kids. It's not about the education. This fucking

shit pays for the whole campus and our horse. All right, we're gonna break some something off for the kids. They got this fucking 12 game playoff thing. I don't know. I don't know. You know, it takes a lot to get to get a fucking advanced aged bald ginger like me excited and I am excited about this 12 fucking teams, three weeks. Go fuck yourself. It's gonna be unbelievable. I am very excited. That's all I want to convey to you. And if I was the NFL, I would be thinking like this could really put a dent. We know

what they're doing. They're such cunts. The NFL you know what they're doing. They play. You could not have your playoff games on Thursdays. You could not have them on Monday. You could not have them on Sunday. You could not have them on Sunday. Well, what the fuck about you? You were Sunday. You took Monday and Thursday. Didn't you? Well, didn't you? Um, anyway, I got the new Orleans saints lay in three. They're up three to nothing. Second quarter, nine, 10 to go. Um,

I put money on a four and 17 people. That's what I did. That's what I did. They got a good defense though. Look at that right there with is that Cooper cup? You know, it was my favorite thing. I was in this conservative city and I heard this woman calling her kid. Her kid's name was Reagan. I'm like, that is fucking awesome. How conservative can you be? Slash dumb can you be? So many people think he was a fantastic president.

Oh my God, did those corporations just fucking waltz him around? Come on in here, Ronnie. Come on, sign this. So this will be a good, this will be good for working class Americans. He helped ended the Cold War. This is how much you know he did for rich people. When Ronald Reagan died they paraded his body around for like two fucking weeks. That's how much money he made for rich people. They haven't done that for any other dead president. Ronald Reagan, they were like one da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

for like fucking two weeks. It was like some of these bands farewell tours, like how many, they added another leg. It's like you're not fucking going away. All right, anyway, what else? What else? Two flew over the cuckoo's nest. This time he's keeping the sink. And my buddy even made a, he made like a poster.

He sent me a picture of it. It's fucking hilarious. To me. I don't know if it is to you, but like, if you guys wanna pitch some, and the key is it has to be a movie that, you know, was so good you wouldn't wanna try to redo it, or it just

it's over. Like there's no reason the story's done. We get it, Pilt. You don't have to fucking over explain it. All right. Well, I've been working out and getting ready to do my little Broadway show here. What are the actors called doing Broadway? Surfing the boards, gliding on the boards. I don't know what it is. It's something about the stage.

It's just gloriously like inside the actor's studio. Remember that guy? He used to host it. Like just the level of importance that he could put on things. It's something like that. just the level of importance that he could put on things. It's something like that, where it's just like, all right, I don't think I'm, you know. I mean, I'm walking on a stage. I mean, it's elevated so the people in the back can see.

I think that that's what's happening more than anybody gliding on the board, whatever they say. I don't know. There's really nothing wrong with what actors say when they say that. It just has more to do with my fucking issues. Surprise, surprise. Anyway, once again, go see Bianca.

All right, that would mean the world to me if you would help her sell these last few tickets. Union Hall, Brooklyn, New York, December 7th, 7 p.m. All right, with that, with that, and with that, and with that, let's get into the reads for the week. Oh, would you look who it is. It's all zip. P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P Talk about things that take a long time to do. You know, taking a shit when you're constipated. You know, you squeeze, you fucking, you know, you rock back and forth. You know, you stick a fire hose up here. Sorting through countless emails.

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You really want to hear what you had to say this week. What did you have to say? Um, all right. Modesto. Dear Bricktop Billy. In the behind the scenes of the movie Snatch, Bricktop is a cockney slang for a redheaded fella. I like that. Bricktop's cool, I don't mind that.

Carrot Top, Bricktop, Fuckhead, I mean, none of it bugs me. I knew where it was coming from. I knew where all of that was coming from. I saw the fear in the pigmented people's eyes. All you people who get who had brown and black hair. I saw the fear. That's why you came at the redheads because secretly you were sitting there going like all right I was dealt the royal flush of a hand in life and I don't know what the fuck to do with it. Um as opposed to me you know was sitting there holding a pair of sixes and I acted like I had some fucking kings and queens and people bought it. I don't know why, but they did. And here I sit. You know, all happy and freckled.

Central California native here. Oh, nice. I just did the Central Valley. And I've been a fan since the Chappelle show. I was at the Modesto show last Thursday. Thank you for coming to our town. It was a great time. Also loved seeing you deal with that loud lady who just so happened to be my old boss. My wife and I were going to see Anthony Jezlenesk in Stockton, but he canceled. So you were here.

So you were her first live stand-up. Oh, all right. That was the booby prize. She wanted to see Anthony. I assumed you would have made it to the American Graffiti Car Museum seeing as how it's one of our only attractions. That and the Scott Peterson house.

Since you have such an appreciation of classic cars, you should check out our annual car show, American Graffiti, yes, named after George Lucas's early film about cruising around Modesto. You know, until I went to Modesto, I had no idea they shot it there. But I did think in the beginning of that movie,

when that kid rides up on the scooter, that he fucks up and sideswipes the building. I died laughing, and it looked so real. I'm like, that had to have been and side swipes the building. I died laughing and it looks so real. I'm like that that had to have been an accident. It was real. And then Dean Del Ray found information that confirmed that that was it was a happy accident. It was hilarious and they kept it in the movie. All right moving on. Just last year we had to cut the cruise off at a thousand cars the cruise off at a thousand cars. And for a few hours the streets shut down for regular traffic

so they could do a lap around town. Most of the legit car clubs here post up instead of cruising. Too bad we just shut down the old A&W that was actually in the movie. Oh no, did you? That was an A&W, was also a root beer thing. There's so many things about that movie. Now there's another thing. I kind of have a rule, you know, I don't eat fast food or whatever. When I get in the middle of nowhere, usually Montana, Wyoming or wherever, you know, Idaho, they

still have those A&W places and I always have to go in. I got to get a burger, man, and a root beer. It's just, it takes me back to my childhood. When I, I don't know, when I first had a root beer, I just thought it was the greatest, it was the greatest thing I'd ever had. You know, buying packs of football cards, you know, putting that stale powdered fucking gum

in your mouth and then drinking a root beer. That just like the level of sugar that was involved in my 1970s into the 80s childhoods was fucking amazing. My joints are still inflamed from the gum I chewed in those fucking those football carts. Anyway, I hope you can make it to the car show one year. Please do another close if you do. Go fuck yourself. I had such a great time, man. I really loved going to those places. I'd never been to them and then I also loved how much you guys appreciated that I came there. Speaking of which, look, here's another part. Vesalia. Hey Bill, thanks for coming to all the small towns

in California. I saw you at the Fox and my brother saw you in Stockton. The communities in these towns are really great. And after living in Los Angeles for a decade, it was a really nice return to Americana. It's all Americana. Big cities, traffic, middle of nowhere with your arm hanging out the window. Whatever you want, we got it here. It's already great.

We don't need some fucking orange-headed cunt with no fucking plan. Who says he has a plan to make it great again? It's already fucking great. It's already fucking great. It's already fucking great. If we could just rein in the CEOs of these fucking corporations, I think that and save what's left of the middle class, I think you know, be honest with yourself. What the fuck do you want in life? You know, you want a fucking, you know, you want a nice house that you could pay off, make the payments. You know, have a nice fucking ride, have a beautiful wife or husband, whatever you're into.

And you, aren't you content working for some, I didn't give a fuck working for somebody else. It wasn't like in this business. That I ended up working for myself, but like I didn't mind doing that shit. And my job was over on Friday and I have to fucking think about it until Monday. That was fantastic. Let that fucking guy at the top deal with all the bullshit and the stock holders and all of that crap. And he can make, you know, stupid fucking money, but not to the point that he fucking squeezes out the middle class. I mean, I think that's a fair, I think that's fair, right?

You can still have a yacht and fucking whores and cocaine and, you know, go have breakfast with the president for five thousand dollars a plate, whatever those fucking people do, you can still do that without crushing. The middle class, why would you do that? It's fucking unreal. Just like real life grins. Anyway plowing ahead here. With the exception of American pickers and shows like that, I think the actual character of America still exists in our art and architecture. So thanks for highlighting that. Yeah, no, I loved it. I loved

going there and, you know, most of those cities for the most part still had a nice downtown area and that wasn't just taken over by fucking 52 Starbucks and a Lululemon. Just in an apple store store fuck all those places Okay, speaking of which my fight my cell phone screen is all cracked It's funny. Somebody last night goes. Did you throw your phone? And I just said I did Do you remember why of Of course not. Of course not. Felt good when I did it. Didn't feel good when I picked it up. All right. This person continues to say, living in a major

city made me really cynical about almost everything. Well, yeah, that'll happen. That's faded a lot since then. Last week, I bought a cake from some moms having a bake sale for a charity. Cake was amazing and I didn't wince at the price so I tipped a little extra for the karma. There you go. That's great. Thanks for coming through. And that's what we need to be doing. Right there. Fuck these corporate people. Go to a mom and pop place. You know, you help them out, you're helping yourself out.

Don't always go for the deals at the big box stores. Fuck those people. I went to Best Buy yesterday. Who the fuck am I? Sucking on a chili dog. This person says, John Cougar's song lyric refers to an offshoot of a slush puppy. Pictured included in the email. Oh shit. That's what it is.

That's what a chili dog is. I always thought that was some sort of weird thing, you know, saying his girlfriend's blowing him while he was eating some junk food. I had no idea what that meant. Sucking on chili dog behind a shady tree. Hey Diane, why don't you come over here and touch my tree. And not a traditional chili dog that consists of fart stew and questionable meat byproducts. Hence sucking as through a straw enjoying the cold beverage in question. Who the fuck would suck on a meat byproduct chili dog? Aside from the who's some whores in central indiana maybe. Go fuck yourself and keep up the great work. Well there you go maybe that maybe that was... I mean just the way he said it, it sounded dirty.

Suck it on, chili dog. He did everything but throw bitch in there. I mean, for white people, those were hard motherfucking lyrics in 1981. Bribing politicians. Hey, Billy Bribes, here's a quick note on US Supreme Court case that you keep alluding to, most recently 38 minutes into the 1021 podcast. Oh, great. Now I'm on a list.

You stated that the Supreme Court legalized bribing officials when the bribe can be considered a gratuity. The distinction that the majority of the court drew between bribes and gratuities is that bribes are payments made before an official act to influence a public officials. Wait, before on an official act to influence a public official occurs. Gratitudes are payments made to a public official after official act occurs as a token of appreciation. Oh, that's what it is. This distinction would be insignificant, but for the fact that these gratuities are also illegal. While federal law punishes gratuities less severely than bribes,

they are still felonies that carry a maximum two-year prison sentence. Yeah, at some country club and you're out before Christmas. The maximum sentence for bribery is 15 years. Congress uses the word gratuity in drafting the law at issue is confusing since most people think of a gratuity as an innocent tip or a gift. Now, we're not that dumb. Everybody knows exactly what it is. It's a bribe. You're just calling it a gratuity.

Like you never talked to the politician. Hey, I liked how you're gonna allow my, coincidentally, my company to pollute this fucking river. You know, I appreciate that. Here's a little something for you, all right? There you go. Don't spend it all in one place, huh? The case you keep referring to is Snyder versus the United States. It was decided this past June 26. Trust me, I'm a lawyer. Smile. Thanks again for the laugh. You're the man. All right. I like these. He's got a sense of humor that he's a lawyer.

Snyder versus the United States. Who the fuck was the Snyder guy and what the who does he want to fucking pay and for what? You'd think that CNN and Fox News would be interested in this. How interested they were in that fucking complete nobody that had a garage full of hand sanitizer at the beginning of the pandemic and they all they dragged that oh how could you do this to your fellow country this is disgusting what's wrong with this country right all right and then meanwhile big drug companies can charge like 600 bucks for a leukemia pill isn't that what they're doing that never makes the news it's weird i can't i you know

never makes the news it's weird I can't I you know if you guys could help me out I can't figure out why that is all right oh my god this guy this guy just sent me a fucking email that is gonna change my fucking life I don't know if you know if you guys send me shit like this I'm it's gonna it's gonna fucking you know you know like when you have a rescue dog and it like fixates on something and then you gotta like change the direction of its head or it's gonna fucking just go in whatever direction it's looking at. This is what this kid did to me. Alright. I've been everywhere man. I've been everywhere man. I've been everywhere. Hey I've been everywhere man. I've been everywhere

Hey, Billy pasta balls Pastyballs sorry, I was like what the fuck is a pasta ball? Hey Billy pasty balls Love listening to your rants on stage or on the part of your podcast I wanted to provide you with the Johnny Cash song. I've been everywhere I've included all the information you need to get the Tour of Tours started. I've added historical locations that you can perform at along with seating capacities. I also did a breakdown to three to six show loops at a time so you don't get fucking tuckered out. Dude, this is, you did my agent's job. If you need more help let me know. Now go out and get it done

and go fuck yourself. This fucking guy, this fucking guy, he listened to the Johnny Cash I've Been Everywhere song and then he listed every city that he talks about in it and where I could play. I mean now I have to do this. And I would break it. I break it up into about six legs. There's no fucking way I'm doing all this at once. I got the kiddos here. All right. And then I'm not going, I'm you know, and then the places I've already been to are not making the tour. I do them anyway. Okay, the first one, Reno. Been there. Chicago.

Been there. Fargo. Been there. Minneapolis. Been there. Buffalo. Been there. Toronto.

Yes. Sarasota. I've been there, but I've never performed there. So I would do one there. Wichita. I believe I've been there, but I'd throw that one there. And Tulsa. I've been there.

Tampa. Done that. Ottawa. Yes, done that. Ottawa, yes. Oklahoma City. I've been to Oklahoma City, but I did stand up in the Tulsa area. No, wait. I did Tulsa.

The Brady Theater. I love that fucking place. Alright, so Oklahoma City, I would have. Tampa, done that. Panama City, never. What the fuck is Mattawa? Mattawa, Washington. I'm copying and pasting this. And I'm sending this to my agent.

This one here is a motherfucker. Bangor, Maine. I should have knocked this one out a long time ago, 30 years ago when I was still in Boston. I just never got booked on the gig. There was a gig up there, and I remember there was this comedian used to do a joke talking about, you know, you'd get directions. How do I get there?

And it was like, take 95 North to the end. That's like when I used to do what they used to call the Uptown north to the end. That's like when I used to do what they used to call the Uptown rooms, the black rooms. I remember this guy, a good friend of mine, Drew Frazier, had this room Manhattan proper. And I remember you got on the E train and you took it to the end. You rode it all the way out to Jamaica Queens.

All right, let's see what I got here. La Paloma, California. That's easy. I could knock that one out. Bangor, Maine, Baltimore, been there. Salvador, Brazil. Brazil. You want me to go to fucking Brazil?

Oh my God. I mean, I would go down there. I'd go down there when the F1's there or MotoGP. Oh God, that's a long flight. Amarillo, Texas. I don't think I've ever done Amarillo. I've done Dallas. Toca Pia, Chile, now come on man,

he didn't go to these fucking places. He just said this shit because it rhymed. Barranquilla, Columbia. I mean, I would just go to these places just to look at the beautiful women and just sit there like an old creep. That's what the fuck I would do. Smoking cigars.

Going, why the fuck didn't I come here 40 years ago? It's too late for me. I used to be somebody. Boston, okay. Charleston done that. Dayton done that. Louisiana done that. Washington DC did that Houston Kingston

New York never done that Texarkana never did that all right Oscar Luska what's IA is that Iowa yeah I think that's Iowa Nashville Nashville done that. Oh my god. Chickpea, I've done that. Spirit Lake, Iowa. Devil's Lake, North Dakota. Listen, I gotta be honest with you. I had so much fucking fun doing that Central Valley and, you know, Bakersfield and all of those places. I had so much fucking fun going there. I felt like I was you know it was the only thing left from those Jack Kerouac books. How you would go to a town there would just be all these crazy fucking unique businesses and in in architecture and all of that stuff that you just didn't see before.

These fucking soulless corporate cunts just turned everything into into fucking 10 businesses. Anyway, I'm gonna copy and paste this list. I'm gonna take out some of these this shit that I've already been to The South America thing. I don't wouldn't even know how to pull that off Because believe me I've tried I've tried to do gigs in Cuba and a few other places and It's never been a situation Where my agency felt comfortable with the person they were working with down there and vice versa because nobody knows each other. There's a fucking language barrier and whatever, you know, so I don't know.

But anyway, we will figure it out. But there's no fucking way. I'm not going to go to South America at some point. Those are... It's just some of the most beautiful... Everything. The music, the people, the... The landscape, the architecture, everything. It is fucking gorgeous. It's gorgeous down there.

I gotta go down there. And like the level of fucking music fans, like how nuts they go at concerts. You know, how great they are in the World Cup. How much they like MotoGP and F1. You know, all right, they hit some Nazis. Every continent has some shit that, you know know maybe they shouldn't have done but yeah good God Almighty yeah those that's all happy thoughts thinking of Galapagos Islands there's so much shit down there fucking pure cocaine I mean

there's fucking shit to do all right well that is the podcast. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy capskins. I'm back. I've been playing the drums a lot. You know, Alex van Halen has a new amazing book out and just made me go back for the umpteenth time and listen to his body of work. And I've been playing along to his trying to the guy is just so fucking good. It's so original. And I've been playing along to his trying to. The guy is just so fucking good. It's so original. And I just love the sound of his snare drum. I don't know, it leans towards Tony Williams to me.

When Tony was playing with the black dot on the head of his snare. And Tony Williams, I mean, to me, Tony Williams is the greatest drummer of all time. I just think nobody, the way he expressed himself and the fucking power and then also the fact that they had to come up, like he's so changed drumming that they literally had to come up with like new names to

describe what he like metric modulation I mean I might be wrong here I'm just a comedian fucking dad drummer here but as far as I know he came up with that shit and I just find like out of all the drummers I've ever listened to, I've never seen a guy play with the creativity, the power, and then also his drum solos, every single one of them is different and they are all captivating. Like the amount of times like I've been like getting ready

to go on a plane, you know, can you power down your phone? Oh, if I start to watch a Tony Williams, I can't I can't shut it off He's unreal he's unreal the only other person I've ever been that mesmerized by is John Bonham Just watching him play going how the fuck is he getting that sound? And, and his groove was just incredible. But you know, there are so many guys, there are so many. Now I'm just going to go down some fucking rabbit hole and name it everybody that's ever blown me away on the drums.

But, um, I'll stop with those two. Um, so anyway, yeah, I've been like big time into that. And I'm trying to get that double bass shuffle down that he plays in I'm the One. You know, and it's a song I haven't listened to in a long time. And I've been playing a lot of drums since the last time I played. So it's funny to revisit these songs that just sounded impossible. And now you can kind of be like, okay, all right, what's going on here?

All right, this is a swing, it's a triplet feel. He's doing that Billy Cobham, you know, Simon Phillips. Those are the two guys that I saw, first saw doing that. And these fills are all triplet based and all of that. And then of course with YouTube, I can go on there. I saw, you know, somebody breaking down the song, but I didn't want to watch too much of it because I don't want to have all the answers to the test. But the person was just breaking down how to, you know, build up that, that double bass triplet shuffle. So, and I'll be honest with you,

man. I think it's good for your brain is what I've been reading as far as like playing drums and that type of stuff. As you get, as I've been doing more research and talking about how your brain is like a muscle and yeah, you know, you stop going to the gym, your body gets flabby, brain is the same way. So I don't know. I've had people in my family have like, you know, cognitive issues and shit like that.

So, you know, I might as people in my family have like, you know, cognitive issues and shit like that. So You know, I might as well fucking try to do something right rather than just being a fucking meathead watching Watching all of these sports look at Gronk in a suit man. Holy shit. I never thought I'd ever see that You know, it's so crazy I'm watching this NFL thing and I want everybody who's on the panel I watched them play and most of them I saw their entire careers except for Terry Bradshaw. He was just a little before my time but I saw I saw his last two Super Bowl. I basically been watching the NFL religiously since 1978 so he came in early 70 I'm gonna say 72. I bought that whole year of football cards, by the way. And they're like astronomically expensive. But I just bought the one in good

condition. But if you had like this, like a mint condition one, last time I saw it was like fucking five, six grand. But then I saw a complete set, you know, the corners were like fucked up, whatever. It's like, well, those are the cards I want so I can like look at them and hold on to them instead of fucking having behind like plastic. Never understood that. It's like people who buy a Ferrari, you know, and then 20 years later, they sell it at Mecham. They're like, well, the 87 original miles. It's like you didn't even fucking use it. Or even worse, you drove it around town.

Take it to a fucking track. Go to one of these fucking schools. They'll teach you how to drive like you're in a fucking action movie. Drive like Tom Cruise in Paris on a motorcycle. That's what the fuck I want to learn how to do. You know why? Because I got demons and I don't want to face them. So I just keep learning how to do new shit so I don't turn around and look at the horror behind me. All right. That's it. Everybody go fuck yourselves. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did. I want to thank everybody who came out to my house.

Our house, I should say, and it was the best Thanksgiving in that everybody who brought food crushed it. There wasn't one bad thing. Every dessert crushed it, every side crushed it. The turkey was fucking amazing. I was also high as shit, okay? Take that with a grain of salt, but I ate leftovers the last three days and it's all tasted amazing. So thank you to everybody who brought food.

Just a great time. All right, that's it. I will check in on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado

And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff. And before we got to the gigs, we were like, let's just get an Airbnb. And it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, it's communal living, it's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience. So when I go on tour, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months, I always

am like, well, could my place be an Airbnb? You know, just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world.

Turn your home into an Airbnb. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca.