Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-20-21

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

Bill rambles with the great Jim Gaffigan about comedy styles, killing lobsters, and clown food.  Part 1 of 2. Take advantage of SimpliSafe’s Holiday deals and get 40% off your new home security system by visiting SIMPLISAFE.com/BURR Get an extra $10 off Holiday deals at solostove.com, promo code BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. I'm out here on the road. And this week's Monday Morning Podcast, I actually recorded a few weeks ago with the great Jim Gaffigan. And we were only supposed to do a half hour. It was supposed to be a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday Morning Podcast. And I don't know what happened. We started talking. We talked comedy. We talked life. And then somewhere about a half, about halfway through we just started shitting on each other and had a great time just trashing each other and somehow it ended up being like an hour and a half long. So guess what? It's now a fucking two part. Sorry, I did five shows and I'm getting over a cold. No, I don't have COVID. And yes,

I think the world is round. All right. Or is this the fucking robot deep state version of me? You don't know, do you? So anyway, this is going to be the first half is going to be on Monday. This is the Monday Morning Podcast that you're about ready to watch. And then we got the Thursday afternoon, which will be the second half. Or maybe it's just audio. I don't know. We did it at ATC. I have no fucking idea what's happening. But he told me to record a video. So it must be video. All right, that's it. Oh, for all you cold fans, congratulations. All right, you had a hell of a first half. You know, we gave you a fucking field goal. And but you know, Mac Jones, he threw two, there's a guy implode. No, he comes right back and he scares the shit out of you. All of a

sudden it's 20 to 17. You're like, Oh my God, do we need to go weigh their cleats? Is this why they're coming back? So I love that we got humbled. And I think, you know, that's I'd rather lose in December than in January. Because we all know what losing in January is like. Don't you Indianapolis, especially to the chargers at home? Sorry. All right, that's it, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa. And also Hanukkah and Flat Earth. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. And every once in a while, I have a special guest on here. And this is one of these days. This is a gentleman from the Midwest, from a red state. Yes, then I'm going to reach across my blue state,

be in Massachusetts. You are Kentucky. I'm Indiana. You know, it's so funny. It's like Massachusetts. How are you? This is the whitest podcast ever. This is like, I mean, we might, we should be shooting this in Charlottesville. This is like, this is like a meeting of the three percenters would have the exact same podcast as this. That's not the idea. I actually think white supremacists would maybe leave their group if they watched like, yeah, they'd be like, not that white. Yeah, not that white. They're like, we, we, you know, every once in a while, we like to listen to Jackson five, some of the before we kill somebody. I mean, by the way, this lighting, I'm not a vain man, but this lighting's pretty.

I'm not even this white. Yeah. We decided we were going to enhance it with some overhead, less track lighting. Yeah. For the pigmentless. What is, what is your nationally background? How, how far into Northern Europe are you? I, it's the North Pole. No, I'm, I'm all Irish. What are you? And yeah, 99 point, whatever Irish and English. I never did the 23 in Meek, just in case you're related to Aaron Burr. I'm not. I mean, I have the same last name, but I'm not. Unfortunately. Have you done it? No, but I'm worried that there's a serial killer in my family and I just don't want to deal there. I had a relative that was on trial for murder. Oh yeah. I mean, yeah, you go far enough back. Yeah, you're going to find one. Either someone

went on trial or they did something. So, so wait a minute. So just never get caught. I've never, so like, I'm German Irish. You're German Irish. Yeah. So like, yeah, that's what, you know, like when you introduced me, you know, Indiana red state, I'm like, when I started touring, I was shocked at how, when I would go around and do Boston radio, how they all were like on they were big W fans. And I'm like, isn't Massachusetts supposed to be liberal? Like Massachusetts is the weirdest liberal. They're liberal in that. I think that they, you know, union, fucking state job, blah, blah, blah. But everyone, I mean, I'm going back 27 years, so I can't talk about Massachusetts now. I don't know what it's like now. But when I was there,

it had this weird thing where it was, I can't even say super racist. It was as racist as anywhere else. Yeah. It's what I'm finding when I'm out there. We just had like the bussing thing so that it just glommed on to us. Right. And they act like, you know, upstate New York is just welcoming everybody with open arms. But the second you get into Western Massachusetts, all these evil white people and I just having done the road and talking to people afterwards. Yeah, I just reminded me of a gig I did a long time ago. The first time I went into New York, this guy I was head opening for wanted to go water skiing. And it was right after Labor Day and everybody had put their boats away. So he knew that there was going to be wives there. So if he

made them laugh, he could talk them in. So he was on, just say, man, I love water skiing just getting he was killing. He just kept saying, I love water skiing. So sure enough, some wife took the bait and this guy took his boat out for us, dragged us across the lake. And he had a, you know, he had a great time. We had a great time. We'll go back to his place, finger sandwiches and everything. And he decides to tell a couple of jokes. And it was just like, wow, whoa, where are we? And she's going, oh, come on, stop it. It was just like, you know, two guys walking to a bar and word. And it was just like, yeah, I mean, two of those. And then we kind of like, we're like, all right, man. It's like being from the Midwest. Like when I

got to New York City, everyone was like, Oh, is your, you know, like I tell you used to joke around is like, like, if I would go back to Indiana, it was like, how's everyone at the Klan meeting? You know, like assuming that it was all, but like, it's everywhere. Yes, it's really, you know, it's not like, this is the white guilt of your own state podcast. Yeah, no, but not defending it. It's everywhere, man. You know, everybody's doing it, but it is, you know, there's a great documentary called Civil War that I woke up at like 4am because I had like three kids, my kids in my bed. What if I had three kids in my bed? I had three kids. I had met him earlier. No. Um, and so Jesus, and they, uh, but like it talks about how, you know, the

North was all about freeing the slaves and then the slaves were freed and there was the great migration and the North was like, wait a minute, right? Do you know what I mean? It changed the whole. I think they were always like that. And they just acted like my, my actually have a theory that the reason why the people in the South or whatever they're doing the Tomahawk chop and have no empathy is because Northern whites have not shown them empathy since before the Civil War, always were acting like they were dumber and all of this type of stuff. And to this day, like talk show hosts can do monologue jokes about them fucking their own sister and everybody's just sitting there laughing. So they've always been treated as less than. So I, I feel like, uh,

you know, there's a big phony thing with Northern whites acting like, oh, we're, we're the good white people. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I mean, that was, I mean, I know you're a piece of shit just like make you know, I'm very flawed. I'm very flawed. I'm very, well, you know, but you have that easy speaking, like I'm very flawed. I'm very. No, well, I think it's weird. You know, I've had people like friends, peers be like, well, like they'll curse in front of me. And they'll be like, sorry to curse in front. Like I'm, like I'm some evangelical, like we're in a, in a Bible study class. And I think it's like, do you work clean? I work relatively clean, but it's not as if, you know, me or Brian Regan don't curse in everyday life. It's just different styles of comedy.

Right. So I don't know. Just bringing that up. It's all right. So Bill, I curse my brains out. You do? Because I don't, I don't know how to write a joke. So I have to scream my way through my act. That's not true at all. But no women. So I can show you some tape. Let's talk about, let's talk about doing specials and when you're, so like, because we've discussed this before off the air, you do it in two years, two years. I do it when I am kind of like when I'm feel like I'm ready to do one. Yeah. And I think that that works out the best because if I was to look at like, I remember when like when Louis was putting them out every single year, if I ever got caught up in that mindset that I have to be able to put them out as fast as he does,

that I just knew that wouldn't work for me. So I couldn't get like, you know, when you're a young comic, you just say, what is this person doing? What are they doing? I need to be doing what all of these people that are successful are doing. Fortunately, when he started doing that, I was further enough in my career to be like, all right. You can see your perspective. Yeah. Like I can't make an act work in a year. I mean, that's also like even when he was doing that. He was also doing an entire television show. It was unbelievable. And writing and editing it. Like people don't realize it's like, if you're touring, doing stand up, even, you know, like you act too. It's like, if you do some acting projects, that'll take you out of the mix for

a month or two. Yeah. But like, if you're doing a show and you're, you know, it's just an insane so like that's like what Louie was doing was kind of otherworldly. But like, I do feel like that's why I'm saying so far. I was still I was just looking at the stand up aspect to forget about writing a whole season and doing all and making all those story arcs and everything work and dealing with network notes and deadlines and Bob Bond and doing the press just for the frigging show and the fact that he was still knocking out these hours. Yeah, I'm glad I also didn't add that because then I'd be like, wow, man, I knew I sucked but Jesus. Right. Right. But I also think it's one of those things where whatever like the norm keeps shifting like the norm was like, you know,

Leary did that one special and it was like, boom. And it was there was an expectation. He never had to do another one. I think he did do another one but locked and loaded. It's the one but that one came out like four or five years later and that was fine. And it was it wasn't Hey, man, where's your neck? Because people do that. Where's your next one? Yeah. What's your next one? So it's it shifts and it's it's it's shifting and also the streaming platform stuff changes constantly. You know, so and you've only done Netflix. Yeah, you stay where daddy tells you to stay. Oh, no, I see. I know where this is going. I know where this is going. I've had a great run in Netflix. No, Netflix. Look, I'm back at Netflix. Oh, you are back. I thought you was still over there with

your side check Amazon. No, no. Look, Netflix is going to be a Netflix fashion. No, no, no. I mean, not at all. Why don't you come over to Amazon? No, no, no, no, no. I was waiting for that. No, it is. That's not it at all. It's it is interesting to see the different platforms, but nobody can compete with Netflix. Nobody. It's like, but that being said, you know, three years, five years, things can change. Yeah, I mean, no one people used to laugh at Netflix. I know, but when I first might I always tell the story when my first special got on Netflix, I had people say you can you might might have seen a special on Netflix and people would snicker because they were considered the blockbuster that delivers right and and people hadn't caught

on to what they were doing yet. But every single like who would have thought when we started out in this business that NBC, CBS and ABC would be clamoring for eyeballs. So everybody, everybody has their run. Everybody has their run. And you you just kind of you get in with whoever you fit in with. And you save your money, you stay away from the crack, you know, the crack, you try and stay away from the crack, you get eight hours sleep, try and get eight hours sleep. I'm a big snapper. You know what, I gave into naps in my early 30s, and then I got away from them for the last 20 years. I don't know why I remember when I was still living with Bobby Kelly. Yeah, we'd be we had a railroad apartment and I would literally walk to the middle room between the roommate's name

who was on the lease and Bobby slept in the living room. And I would just go, I do I'm going to lay down for a minute. And he would do it too. And he would be out there and then we'd wake up just like a half hour later. Yeah, he was like, dude, you always call the naps, bro. You know, you're calling the naps and it was just like, and we go down to the cell and we'd be like, you have that extra energy. So I'm trying to get back into that because I got back into therapy. My therapist was talking to me. She goes, you look tired. I was just like, well, you got a peak at night. You know, it's bad yawning during your therapy. That's not good. Are you getting sleep? Yeah, no, no, no. How did you know it was the right therapist?

Had you been with her before? No, I've been through a number of them and they were all good, but it was also to all the other ones. No, I just I yeah, you know, I was in my what about Bob years where I just I wasn't like, you know, receptive to whatever was going to happen or what I you know, so yeah, I ended up taking some mushrooms that kind of I was like, wow, okay, that's who I am figured out who I was. And that was right when I started therapy again. So then I kind of had this really big breakthrough thing. And now I feel like it's kind of starting to slow down again. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. So it just means I got to take more drugs. So it's the shrooms open. What did you learn in the shrooms? I abbreviated it. I kind of yeah,

well, you're cool. I'm just cutting edge. Yeah. Yeah, you're from the farmlands. You guys from the farmland. We don't have time to say mushroom. I just I had a bad trip. But it was a good trip, because I kind of saw all of this stuff that everything was sitting on. And at first, I thought it was my current life. I was like, Oh, this goes all the way back to childhood. I got to figure out what this is. I need to be sober because I'd already quit drinking. Then I kind of replaced that with gummies and weed and shit. And then I was like, So I mean, I took that little trip there. And I didn't even smoke a cigar. It was in February. I didn't even smoke a cigar till like May. And I just went like, I was like, I just figured out who the fuck I was for the first time. I was

52, almost 53. So and when you say you figured out who you were, why I do stand up, why every good thing I did, every bad thing I did, every person that I heard, what is that? What is that? What is it? What is it? Yeah, I want to get well, all right, I do stand up because it's literally the fucking six year old me going if I go, I'm going to go into this room with all of these strangers. I'm going to make them laugh. They're going to like me and then no one's going to hurt me. That is literally all the way down to the to the brass tacks of who the fuck I am is I do this shit. So you will like me and you won't hurt me. Yeah, I mean, it is. So then I made I made the mistake of thinking that I was going to get great as a comedian and then everything else in my life

was going to fall into place. And what ended up happening is my my mid 30s, I progressed as a comedian and everything else was at the starting line. I mean, I was sleeping on a futon. I wasn't in a relationship. No kids. I had, you know, I had nothing going on. But I had this one thing that I knew how to do because this was the only thing that I worked on. But I also, you know, I understood why I drank the way I did, why I couldn't just have a drink, you know, that I why I had to fucking rage why I have like this, this lunacy in me. So let me ask you this, nature versus nurture, are you a result of your upbringing, your family, or is it just kind of who you are? Uh, mainly my upbringing. And then I would say, oh, so it's it's a combination of both

65, 35. Oh, no, dude, I would say, yeah, I don't want to get 80. You don't want to get it. I mean, it's a high number, dude. It's a fucking high number because I'm kind of now like, like now looking back on all of it. And it's like the sort of the end of the usual suspects where the leg straightens out. Oh, like, oh, what the fuck, like the end of the coffee cup. Yeah, I was being fed all like, I believed it was this. And now I realized it was that and it was fucking mind blowing, mind blowing, actually wrecked my car. I swiped a fucking mail truck where you were when you were on mushrooms. No, just the clarity of, Oh, I mean, I'm not going to get into this shit, you know, but like, and the guy was parked on the side of the road was driving like two miles

an hour and they got those big fucking honey of a ham bumpers that stick out. Yeah, dude, it caught my front quarter panel and just went down this side cost me like fucking seven grand. It's just everything, two new doors, the whole fucking thing, whatever, I don't get into that. But I know who I am. And isn't it what talk about an incredible luxury? I mean, obviously, there's the fulfillment of stand up. But like, I believe independent of the work you've done that stand up the conversation you have with the audience, it holds up a mirror. Like, you know, you think that like, what we say to an audience, they're not, they're laughing, they're contributing by not laughing or laughing or booing or clapping. But there's a lot of communication going on.

And I think comedians learn a lot about themselves from how an audience reacts, whether it's in a small club or even in a big one, you say something and it comes across. Right. But it also has to be like how aware or open you are, receptive you are. But even then, you kind of like, you skim in the surface. So like, at least I was, I'm probably super imposing who I was before all this shit, recent things that I did. So, you know, my whole thing was just trying to make people laugh, have a good set and then get to the next level of the business. So it was really just sort of like, then I do this and then then I get a Caroline's and I'm in New York and then I do this and then go up to LA and get an agent. But it was just all like, yeah, it was

nothing. I kind of learned that achieving isn't living. Like living is living. Yeah. No, I remember I finally got Letterman and like, I, you know, it was great and it had been a goal of mine from the beginning and I was, but like there was part of me like, oh, well, what do I do now? Like, like I didn't, like that's all I wanted was to do a set on Letterman. You know, sure it was good because when people were like, people used to ask if you were a comedian, if you've been on Letterman or The Tonight Show and so, but it is weird because you don't really think beyond these or I didn't think beyond these immediate goals, which are kind of false. It's like even it goes back to like the mentality of when you're in high school and you're like, you know what, I'm

captain of the football team. There you go. Did it. Like you don't realize that would be pretty awesome. You don't realize that it's, once you're out of high school, it's irrelevant. Do you know what I mean? It's like I played sports all my life and then I, you know, but I mostly get cast as like victims, you know, vulnerable guys. I know, but there's a thing though, I think with like sports though is if you play organized sports, there is something that you learn in there that really isn't talked about now because everything's just considered like so much of sports now is considered like male toxicity, like how you learn, how, you know, you learn your role, where you fit in, how to bring people up, not be a negative force. You learn how to lose, how to come back

from losing. You learn how to lead, how to learn. You learn all of this amazing stuff. And so, I think being captain of the football team means you had some sort of leadership qualities. I mean, watch these fucking Hollywood movies and it's just me, oh, he's the best looking guy and he's a douche. And he treats the cheerleader, he's dating like shit. I mean, that's all written from nerds who didn't play for the most part, I think, or, you know, never talked to the cheerleader, so they resent them. So they just kind of create this, like when we were growing up, like they used to write shows about guys, guys, and then somewhere along the line, it just became this making fun of guys, guys, which needed to be done because it really got

ridiculous with a lot of those action movies and shit. But like then it just kind of went to such a level that it's like, wait, but the guy's guy does exist. There is that guy who is just confident and better looking than you and tougher than you, and it's going to get a better looking girlfriend than you. And you have to fucking accept that. He doesn't always have an underlying insecurity. Because he's a good athlete doesn't mean he's not smart. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like that's, but some of that's John Hughes, like when they attacked John Hughes cliches of like, you know, the sexism, they didn't address all these other things. But yeah, no, I think let me tell you the story. So I brought my John Hughes. Yeah, I brought my 10

year old to a next game, which was amazing. I'd gone with my nine year old and we had great seats and at one point, and by the way, this is, you know, 10 year olds, they're not great sports, you know, like when you play them, like I'll play him in soccer and basketball and if he's winning by just one point, he just starts giving me shit. But we're at this basketball game and he was like, he was like, there's a lot of poor sports here. And I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, why don't these people are just like, you know, because people are rooting for their team and kind of like giving shit. And I was like, wow, I didn't even realize that. So like, along with that leadership, but then again, that's not my, that's not my MO. Like I went to

defensive Nick's fans. They haven't won since 73. So you're going to hear some heckles. I remember I did a commercial for this bank that had no more and Derek Jeter and we shot in between a double header. And then after we shot, we went and watched this site, the second game. And we were in a box seat and there was a guy in the, you know, like up in one of those fancy lounges yelling obscenities to the Yankees. This is back before Boston had won. Right. You know. And he was standing next to a kid who was saying the same thing, you know, fuck you Yankee sock, you know, and it was just, it's like, they can't hear you. Like there's that also like they block it out. Like I actually think like an NBA player, if everyone was when they went to take a foul

shot, like part of a foul shot is everybody screaming yelling in a mascot moonwalking along the baseline. I think if everyone was just actually quiet and respectful, throw them. Yeah, that would because I think after wealth, every time you take a foul shot, there's a bunch of people with those stupid things. They just turn into a blur. I know. And also, you know, those things too, they're made out of plastic and evidently all plastic shit lasts for like 800 to 1,000 years. Yeah. So just to try to rattle this guy for game 47 of the NBA season, those stupid things are going to float in the ocean for a thousand years. Oh, that was depressing. Sorry. Nature and nurture. So you're, I, I believe like you, I think nature or nurture works.

I think you can get a better sense of that if you have some sort of a more like less volatile childhood or time that you grew up in. Cause I mean, I don't resent, you know, the shit that happened. You know, it's growing up. It was a fucking crazy time. It was a crazy time. You know, we've come in out of the sixties. All of these people had gotten whacked. I mean, basically, I think the statement of the sixties was do what we say or it doesn't matter, black, white, male, female, you're going to, you know, a convenient lone gunman is going to take you out. Vietnam War ended, the gas shortage and all of that, the fucking rust. But everything was falling apart. Carter was a very interesting thing. I mean, yeah, he's the only human being. He's the

only human being I feel like that's been president since, and I think the proofs in the pudding, all these other fucking assholes, what do they do? They go off, they do the speech tour and they buy a mansion on Martha's Vineyard. This guy won a Pulitzer prize. Because it builds after, after he was president, he's still building homes for the homeless in the nineties. This guy is truly a public servant. Those other guys, they're eating fucking, you know, lobster and steak every fucking night. I know cause I've been on the internet. Yeah. Well, I also, I mean, look, I'd eat the lobster and steak too. I can't eat lobster. You can't. I just don't like the, why can't they kill them right before they put them in the pot? Do they have to boil them alive?

Well, I think it's illegal to boil them alive now in some states, in some states, that's why to boil them alive. Is it illegal? I think it's illegal to do it. They have to kill them first. And I guarantee you that will be politicized. Well, I don't know what state it is. Do you kill your lobster first? Did you vote for Hillary? During the lockdown. Do you boil it alive? You're a trumpster. Well, the, we were sent some lobsters from Made Lobster, something company. And I did it with my two youngest and, and they did, you know, put them in there and you hear them scream. And, and my, my youngest was like, like pissed at me for like a week because you do hear like, yeah, they say that they should say that's the air, air coming out of the shell. And it's like,

no, it isn't. No, it's not. God, why, why fucking humans are the worst? We are the fucking worst. Well, as long as we don't, but it's like, you know, I love a steak, but, you know, I never look. Yeah, but they fucking kill the thing. Yeah, they don't throw the cow or the steer on the fucking gun. In the background. All right, it's simply safe, everybody. You know, if you ever wanted to make your home feel safer, I need to save space, you guys. There's no better time than now. Sorry, I just woke up. Sorry about the sound of my voice. All right, you do five fucking shows in Indian apolis. This week, my friends at Simply Safe are giving my listeners early access to all their holiday deals, 40% off their award-winning home security. I love Simply Safe because it has

everything you need to make your home safe, indoor and outdoor cameras, comprehensive sensors, no feminists, all monitored around the clock by trained professionals who set up, who upset it up the instant you needed. Simply Safe was even named the best home security system of 2021 by U.S. News and World Report. You can easily customize a system at your house online in minutes and even get free custom recommendations from Simply Safe. These are Simply Safe's biggest discounts of the year. You can get a complete home security system starting at just over $100, $100 big ones, no, $100, sorry. There are no long-term contracts or commitments. It's a really easy way to start feeling a bit more peace of mind.

Take advantage of Simply Safe holiday deals and get 40% off your new home security system by visiting simplysafe.com. Again, that's S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E.com. For 40% off your entire system. All right, lastly but not leastly, it's solo stove, dude. There's nothing quite like the feeling of gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening and a smokeless fire pit from solo stoves makes your outdoor moments even more memorable because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you can sit back, relax and actually enjoy the fire. I want to give this to a homeless encampment now that they probably fight each other over. And with solo stoves holiday sale, you can get a great deal on a solo stove fire pit. Solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered.

Maybe a premium grade 304 stainless steel, whatever the hell that is, sounds impressive. It almost went around the whole way. And a 360-degree airflow system that maximizes efficiency while minimizing the smoke. That's the best right there. No smoke in your face. Easy to light with a few bits of starter. Your fire is blazing in minutes. Perfectly portable. Take solo stove with you on camping trips and more. Let the gifting begin. Shop solo stoves holiday sale for huge site-wide savings now through the end of the year and get $10 off at the promo code BRR plus a lifetime warranty and a free 30-day returns. Get an extra $10 off holiday deals at solostove.com promo code BRR. S-O-L-O-S-T-O-V-E.com promo code BRR. But having said that, you know, like nature

is so fucking brutal. Like there was these two straight kittens that were coming into our yard and I couldn't coax them in. They wouldn't trust. So we leave out food and it took me three days and I'm starting to gain their trust and the sun went down. I heard a horrific noise and I haven't heard seen them since. And so that's probably like a coyote. A coyote probably killed them or a raccoon or another fucking cat and they don't give a fuck how cute those things are. All they see is vulnerability and it's just like and it's just been it's been fucking me up the whole week going what could I have done to got the goddamn things in the house. My wife's allergic to fucking cats. I had was trying to get them to go downstairs and I mean I got little kids. They're not the

clawed. I don't know what's going to happen. I have no fucking idea. And then I'm thinking who the fucking people that just let these things go. I'm hoping maybe somebody in the neighborhood got them. And then they just put a noise maker there to make it sound like they were killed. Well dude I hear noise outside my house all the time. I heard one night I think it was a coyote and a raccoon going at it and it dude it was like it was fucking it was like that that the first UFC before it was the UFC when you could punch in the balls and gouge eyes and stuff that's what like was going on outside. Just blood curdling. And do you have you still have your dog? No my dog I gave away my dog right before my daughter was born because it was just aggressive

and she ended up beating my daughter and growled at my daughter so it's just like so my dog my owner my trainer took it. I was still the owner. It was weird sort of set up there. I was still the owner but he had it for like the last almost five years and she just passed away of congestive heart failure. Wow. But you know I just had a good run. She had a great run. 13 years of pit bull that's aggressive towards people they usually get put down within the first year a year and a half I would think this thing lasted for 13 years and he's you know my trainer you know would send me all this great video lived out in Arizona show me all this great video her rolling around the grass having a great time and when he would come out to LA he'd always bring her and I'd see her

so every month or two I get to take her on a hike and you know but I cried when we gave her away but like by then it was like five years had gone by and also when she growled at my daughter I knew I was like okay I made the right decision. Yeah that's the right decision. Yeah I still love that fucking dog. Yeah it's crazy they're just they don't complain they don't do anything they're just there they're ready to go you know. The pit bulls are awesome I mean we had a crazy one I mean it was literally like you know my trainer said you know this is one of these dogs nature said no to but some person said yes to because the thing was fucking nuts it was nuts but I'm not down on the breed whatsoever because I I love those dogs I love pit bulls yeah but I you know

it's like anything you know you get a lemon every once in a while. Yeah my hope I feel like my body's a lemon. Do you do anything? I literally right before I came here I went to the heart doctor. You did? Yeah I've had a couple of buddies of mine you know die of heart attacks one guy was a little bigger another guy would just look like me. And just had to look at the widow maker thing? Yeah or something like that I don't know what so I've been going every year you know old dad I got to get my ticker checked out so I do that and uh you know I try to keep my weight down and that type of shit I don't know. Well you know like the let's talk about the weight down like they're like I tore I don't care I'll tell the name Todd Glass I tore up Todd Glass I love Todd Glass. Todd's one

of the funniest comics ever. He's fucking he eats I tore with him we go out to dinner after the show he'll eat twice as much as me twice as much as me. Yeah he probably works out. No I work out too I work out you don't believe me at all I work out some I I worked all right look at walking to the microphone and no no no. Oh my god this is when you know you don't work out when you take pictures of yourself. No this is it I'm not taking pictures I'm showing you that this all right that's all right look at this look at this hold on. He has some sort of app out here look at this graphing something okay. These are look at these. One of those. These are my fitness rings how many are closed all of them. What does closed mean? Close means that

what does it mean. 76 minutes exercising 974. Wait but what does this thing actually watch you exercising you're just walking around. No this is me exercising so look. What are you doing when you're exercising. Elliptical yoga. I mean look. Yeah but what how does this thing know if you just said I just did a half hour yoga. It measures your heart rate. How does it know. It measures your heart rate. You don't believe me at all. I don't think that you just fucking worked out 200 days in a row. No I don't. I did I did. I don't look at right now. You just fucking said I did twice in both times you averted your eyes. You go I did. I did. I did. I worked out. Well I can tell you dropped weight. I'm not trying to bring you down. I'm not trying to bring you down

or nothing like no but I'm just saying that like there is about how you just like eating cookies. No yeah I know but like no but like half of what I just tell you what you're asking about. Oh is that what it's about Bill. Sorry I'm on autopilot. No but like the but my point is and I'm not saying I have a condition where I gain weight. I'm not talking I have big bones. I'm not saying that but I am saying that some people you got that farmer built. No but yeah that's the thing is that some people like like was your dad fat was your mom fat. No genetically you're thin. Are you asking me that. Yes. Oh yeah no you don't even know what you're talking about. I don't know. I have to fucking eat borderline. I'm 53. I can eat borderline

perfectly and work out and I still gain like five fucking but I go to gym 10 days in a row have one douche of a day and I'll gain like three fucking pounds. It's brutal. Yeah yeah so I work on it. So don't fucking you you fucking all you big bone guys angry about all you fucking big bone guys. I'm not angry but no I'm not really angry about this. It's about that shit from before so I'm already idling at an eight. It is. Listen. Yeah. All of you guys do that shit. What's that. You guys who are out of shape see someone who's in better shape and God do you know you can fucking women do that. I understand how it sounds. Women say guys just think about losing weight and they lose weight. That's actually like a catchphrase among women. I understand that.

But what I'm saying is that I'm going to pull it up. I'm going to pull it up here. Oh dude. Fuck those nerd nerd nerd nerd. Oh let me show you this. My watch said I took 10,000. My watch said I did. My watch said I did. Look at this. Look at those sneakers. You don't work out. What are these. Look at those fucking things. I got these for my special. I didn't buy these. Jesus. Like by the way I don't buy clothes. Look at this. I still got this fucking thing going on. No but all right. Let me ask you this. Your mom and dad thin or not. No my dad's not thin. No. Your dad was all right. So when you worked in his office thin or not. So when he was in his fifties. No. No he was one of those guys who was thin and then then metabolism

catches up catches up and then he wasn't thin. I just this whole idea that you just oh you just rail thin in your fifties and you can fucking eat moon pies. It's not true. There's there's some people like I have a friend who I went to college with who's like this big. She's I mean she's Asian but like she eats like fucking boat loads. You don't buy it. Simple math dude. You got to eat. But wait a minute. You consume more calories than you burn. I'm not saying that idle is higher but this idea that there's people out there that well into their fifties and sixties can be eating five six thousand calories and what and still eat like they're a sophomore in college and aren't fast. I don't disagree with that at all but are you saying that. I don't know what you're saying.

Are you saying that like Rob Lowe doesn't have a genetic advantage. Now what are we talking about. I'm talking about like women. He's compared like 80 years old and he looks like he's 30. When we were little kids Rob Lowe was like 40 Rob Lowe was a god. No but that's my point. My point is fully hit a hair. Right. It's not. You know something. I think God tried with him. Yeah. Well he slapped us together. He actually tried with Rob. That's what I'm saying. He takes care of Rob Lowe like like a classic car. Do you think Rob Lowe is like sleeping in oxygen tanks every night. No he has no he works his ass off. I don't know. I think he does. I think you're a hater. No I'm not a hater. I'm coin in a phrase.

A gym hater. A gym hater. Don't know. Jim Gaffigan. Jim Hater. I'm not. Well look the point is is like also there's a difference between like I bet he has all of his meals like like he knows what he's going to eat and they come in those little glass Tupperware things and he sits and somebody brings them and then he eats like it's like but here's the thing. That's what I would think. So do you like look there's a difference between like like Tom Brady like you know there's a rumor that he doesn't eat bread or he hasn't eaten bread in like a decade or whatever and it's like the whole cheat meal thing like there is the difference between like so do you know most people when they do a cheat meal they do the whole day they go oh this is my cheat day it's not a cheat day it's a

cheat meal and so do you do that do you have a trainer no it's harder to eat healthy when you have little kids right and they're having their meal and you're like sitting around here finish your yeah and then you don't want to throw out the food yeah I have that like my kids they like pancakes and waffles they would eat that literally every single day they get excited they're rocking back and forth and I'm literally doing the Cosby bit dad is great yeah it was chocolate cake and I just do it and then when they don't finish something do you like this you know I'm like I'm not throwing this out so then you know but but there's times when you have more discipline than others yeah right right now I'm in a disciplined time because I just I've had it with myself so I got

it I gotta drop these these you know I put on like 20 during COVID so I'm trying to take off I'm I got like another 10 I gotta take off and do you run no god no why would you do that I mean I would I would run if someone was chasing me but I'm not gonna wear out my knees before the axe murderer gets there I don't understand my knees don't even work anymore by the way but I think some of that is look I talked to Rogan during the pandemic uh because I know I talked to him and I said I texted with him I'm like look I want to lose weight and he said cut out sugar cut out bread and I did lose weight and so and by the way you cut out sugar you cut out bread it's like your joints hurt less but after a while you're like what am I living for

do you know I mean your family you know but yeah I mean my kids I gotta be honest with you when I cut out sugar yeah when I look at desserts it doesn't even look like it's edible it looks like clown food like something like clowns would eat and they'd never have to put makeup on like just with all of the wild colors the creams and all of that shit it just looks it looks stupid to me and by the way I think it's you know this is totally a cop out and an excuse but I feel like when you're traveling when you're touring I find it harder to eat healthy too because it's like if you're going out to eat first of all we know every restaurant you know a key ingredient is butter and everything but so you can eat healthy don't you find it depressing you're like oh you

know what oh after my show I'm going to go and have this Tupperware in my hotel room like how do you on what you have a cigar and you have a meal right um no I find the frustrating thing about touring is that uh you always have to be on like the first flight out because it's like this is a show day what if something happens it's like they have forecasts and if it's fucking clear I can leave it and it just doesn't happen you gotta fucking get up at the fucking crack of dawn and then what happens is then you run down you just did a show you were wired from the show you couldn't go to sleep and then you got to wake up at six in the morning to get to the fucking airport and then what I've learned is when I land I'm going to work out if I do that I'm already so run down

breathing all this shit in I'm going to go down to the gym hotel gym and I'm going to get sick so then what happens is I don't do it and then I'm missing my kids and I'm frustrated and that's usually when I'll order the burger yeah so um but I mean yeah so I think we're agreeing on a lot of stuff but I'm not agreeing with like this whole you know this this whole I know this guy this is guy you know all right the guy eats a whole fucking bison I'm not I'm not I'm not saying that I'm saying that there are Todd glass under the bus I mean he's yeah a beloved comedian he's beloved by everyone he's I love him and but like what I would say is that look there there are different body you your body type you could get absolutely fucking jacked fucking yoked look at you dude

you got those farmer you were throwing bales of hay at three years of age out there in Indiana dude you could get no you look like you know what you look like you look like one of those fucking guys on the strongman things yeah those guys are all from like yonzo whatever yeah no I uh no I I'm just saying that there is you know we were talking about the hard thing your knees all taped up with those big pasty thighs picking up those fucking rocks yeah those big round balls they sit down right here in 18 wheeler I love it you're one of the strongest guys in the world and now we're going to destroy your body pull this train it's like what's so fascinating is they're all from the Faroe Islands they're from Iceland and the Faroe Islands it's like nothing

to do with these places so they lift weights but my point is that there are differences you know there are differences I'm not saying that like people that eat unhealthy aren't going to gain weight I'm not saying that like if I if I ate like I ate when during the lockdown I would be much thinner you know I mean but I'm just saying that like you know there are people that have different metabolisms I'm not saying that I don't eat unhealthy all right but if you just said that in the beginning yeah rather than throwing the great Todd glass under the I'm not saying I don't this guy can fuck anything he can it's it's he can't believe me he can not without working out you just you have to and not at his age you can't it's I'm telling you but I bet you can't handle

Todd glasses workout I bet you couldn't handle it that's obviously not true like I mean you know like yeah I can totally handle his workout how do you know you're talking about Todd glasses workout like it's like like it's like he's a UFC fighter if he can't handle the Todd glass but I'm going off for your information yeah he's eating the way you're saying he's eating well this guy fucking he goes to steak and shake he fucking he'd say if he's doing that and he's in the shape he's in that fucking guy works out like an animal at his age I well I know for a fact he does the elliptical and it's you know what what's wrong with the elliptical there it is what he works out yeah okay and he also I bet doesn't eat anything maybe he's on the road he says fuck it I'll eat

like an animal but I bet when he eats clean when he's in LA you with your myths it's all that superstition you know that's I have this theory that most comedians I was thinking you know when I fucked up in high school I never said to smart kids just like dude you don't even have to study I mean you just look at a book and you know everything in it like that's what out of shape people do to in shape people oh yeah yeah no that's I remember they don't want to hear that you actually have to work well by the way I say that to my kids you're terrible people you know like like all those kids at school that say they don't study they're lying you know right they're just as dumb as you are son no that because that is the it's just like

you know you do it you go into a uh you know it's kind of like comedy it's when you see someone do a show it it gives the appearance that they're just making it up but of course we know that there's work that goes into that right do you know what I mean well there is also catching a zone and going off there are those things you know you tap into the rage some people are born with it but it's all about the work what if I do this great you don't even have to you mean you just walk on stage and people start laughing I mean you don't even have to work at it that's an answer you just you have like this high comedy metabolism high company metabolism the jokes just they just hit the page it all works they write themselves so what um so is all things comedy is this what is the um

I mean I you know I love it you're looking at me like I'm gonna shit on it I'm not no no I just I've never understood the confusion about it was a podcast network that now turned into a production company ah yeah well I don't know it's pretty straightforward we've sold shows it's been in the trades yeah acting like you know I'm not see you assume I mean I I know you got you know nominated for a fucking cable ace award I knew that cable ace award man remember those yeah yeah it's crazy that was that was the that was the basic cable Emmy because the Emmys would not acknowledge cable and now the I always like how they do that like how like you know those awards shows they act like whatever the new platform is gets treated like the latest immigrants to the

country they just get shunned yeah you you're not real television this is real television I love it when there's shows that are completely ignored by shows movies everything like the they miss the whole thing and then they're embraced as brilliant like the wire like the wire never cleaned up at those uh awards things or like when they they just keep not giving somebody an award and then the end they give me either a lifetime achievement or they give an award for a movie that wasn't nearly as good as their previous work yeah yeah and it's just like I mean that's one of those things why I sit there and I watch people like bitch about not getting an award and you just look at like I'm trying to think of somebody like say mark Martin Scorsese yeah

how many fucking movies did that guy have to put out before they finally gave it to him for the departed but he doesn't win it for raging bull he doesn't win if a taxi driver he doesn't win it for fucking good fellas the casino you know I just it's just it's just there's only one trophy well I think it's funny that adults get upset that they're not winning a trophy there's just something so fucking hilarious about that like especially if you were like nominated there's just something funny and you're gonna go there all up and like somebody else was ah well it's also intellectually you know that it's you know comparing whether it's different movies or different shows is an absurd task like you can't compare this show to that show

and say which one was better you know like you know like that's not like which one did you like better or whatever but I just think if someone enjoys the Sopranos you don't need an award but you do see like I understand it for writers though I learned that doing efforts for family as always is if you get nominated and nominated just nominated or one then that can up your fee you know like I am I hold on an Emmy nominated Emmy Awards so then it's like I understood it but as far as just like the individual you know going up there being upset it's just fucking it's just there's something hilarious about it you know I understand like racially if they just cut out your whole race I get those people but white people I guess basically being like ah yes you know but it is I can't believe

that they chose over my they say dude you put you were there I tried to do a joke about how cares how like uh like if you look at most award shows they're good look they're all good looking people too they're all very attractive they should be and here's no but here's how good how here's how I'm a big fan of good looking people and then here's treated better but the the good looking people here's how consistently good looking people win awards when a normal looking person wins an award you kind of think wow they must be really talented because there's such a standard for attractive people winning awards it's like best I never think that you never think that no I I usually probably saw what they're nominated for if I'm sitting there watching it and I'll be like yeah

oh maybe I thought the other person should have won or whatever but I gotta be honest I kind of miss good looking people what do you mean miss them you know they're getting rid of them what are you talking about they're putting regular people on billboards why don't you why don't you watch British television shows there's no comparison they fucking talk too fast and I can't understand what they're saying and I know I just don't like look I'll watch like uh I watched the first couple episodes I'm first see couple seasons of peaky blinders and my drinking went off the rails because everybody was just boozing on there and I was drinking a lot then so I kind of I was like I gotta stop watching this shit I'll blame the tv show yeah that's that was the reason that was the

number one most alcoholism me tv if you want to quit drinking and smoking don't watch me tv what's me tv oh my god what me tv what is that it's it's fucking was it my entertainment I don't know if it's all the legendary shows we grew up heroes and icons channel oh I don't dude if you want to watch like every episode of fucking man you retired how do you know about these things well what am I gonna watch some fucking the some fucking show but a witch what like whenever everything was about vampires and Dracula I just was like I'm too old for now tv and then it just all became like these fucking superhero movies how many fucking more can they do and they all have the same fucking storyline either something radioactive happened to you or you got fucked up

as a kid so are you from another planet society doesn't understand you hell is fucking oh my god it's the same fucking story over and over again over and fucking over again it is pretty amazing the and they have blown out every like I swear to god like has Robin gotten his own movie yet that's like the only guy left oh i'm sure let's do a fucking backstory on how he became the ward of uh Bruce Wayne that's what they should do and they should make him gay like everybody always thought was going on i think he already is gay all right so they make him gay and then you could at least fucking do that you bring Harvey milk in your Sean Penn plays brings back Harvey milk he saves Harvey milk he saves Harvey milk like a Tarantino change history set a Manson family

succeeding they don't he saves Harvey milk yeah I mean then he finally sets out they get married he fucking sets out he gets away from fucking Batman that toxic relationship right because he had anger issues you know from when he was a kid right yeah you know i don't know that's a good fucking movie that's you pitched it you pitched it right here hey dude we should write it what what is it is this superhero like i remember when i was a kid and star wars came out and i was kind of like all right this is this is uh you know i liked it but i didn't you know like i had friends that were like crazy i had friends that were crazy about the rock band kids i was like go at it go have fun yeah and and then um but now it's just it's not even a generation it's generation upon

generation of like you know i took my kids to star wars movies every christmas for like five years straight it's just there's it's not just the superheroes it is like this uh it's you know it's where there's a great book about how he's trying to make your kid cry or scare the shit out of him well they kill like main care how old did you get out they killed Harrison Ford my my daughter's like crying i'm like it's just a movie it's they don't know that on solo dude i remember when we saw et when that fucking thing almost died yeah something happened in that i remember one of my siblings was fucking ball in his eyes and i remember and we made fun of him of course but that's how it was back then but i just remember now that i have like like i'm trying

to think how old is my daughter have to be where i could take her to a rated g movie one of the parents at my daughter's school asked me he goes hey man i'm taking my daughter you want to come with me and i just couldn't make it i'm glad i didn't he goes oh my god he goes they showed some super sad cartoon before it was somebody dying and his kid was just balling and i'm like why did they fucking do that oh what they do is they'll come in there and they know that the movie's so young that there's a bunch of parents there and then they'll advertise the movie to try to get the parents to go there and they'll scare the fucking shit out of your kids showing some like you know pg-13 rated our shit you know yeah maybe not rated r no yeah they wouldn't do that yeah i don't know i mean i just

feel like oh it comes back to Todd glass and his metabolism it is it is Todd glass's metabolism i gotta text him and let him know that i'm outing his uh metabolism yeah Todd he says you don't have to you don't have to work at all he doesn't eat whatever you want steak and shake night after it's not steak and shake it's a steak and then he has a shake it's different than the thing most sort of steak house do you go that actually has a shake there's only one place that does that that shake that's why i'm sure there's more than one it's not like the only place that has a steak name another place where you can get off you can get a chocolate mall after a ribeye um look at you you missed a food guy stumped you this is like stomping the schwami on the

fucking espn back in the day the schwami the schwami or the stump uh what's his face on that metal show eddy trunk yeah there was the eddy trunk of food yeah no i can't there's gotta be something but like i'm talking about like a steak house steak house yeah steak house steak house well they got all these bourbons and then all the something the court is making a shake at the fucking no i'm sure on dessert they have some decadent thing you know you ever get the no that's what you're doing now you're fucking you you're expanding what you just said you just said this that's not the only place that does it and i said it is i always whenever i talk to you i feel like i'm talking to a lawyer it's just like you're like waffling i mean because then what

it makes it seem ridiculous that five minutes ago i disagreed with you when you smooth everything out you know i don't know takes me that back to the member that one of my favorite paul riser jokes well somebody's telling you a story and they go hey you know correct me if i'm wrong he goes correct me if wrong i wasn't even there how about you come back when you know what the fuck you're talking about that's funny that's funny it is funny it is funny comedy's funny paul riser i saw him tape a special in new york when i right i think i i don't think i had even tried stand up and he came up during that time when if you actually got a sitcom on the air you were sad when you had to end got that the hundredth episode that's what everybody was going

for and it was like there was that weird thing where you know that is flipped where you stopped doing comedy because you were making so much money doing tv yeah and now it's like you know you go you do a tv show no now as a comedian it actually costs you money yeah it's crazy it's crazy is it's just as much work as it ever was to do a tv show it's just that this is what happens when everyone gets one i think um we were on a streaming service the other night i was was i was on uh i was watching the new south park have you seen what they got no no oh it's like post is it the christmas one it's the one where the kids are all grown it's post covid and what happened to it it's pretty dark man it's pretty crazy so i was just kind of going through all of those things and i this one

streaming thing there was just so many good shows it was just overwhelming and what always happens i just shut it off and then i just go and i'll watch like jack lord on hawaii five oh or i'll watch uh you know robert stack the untouchables no there's a lot of shows jake and the fat man what about rockford files did you ever watch that i love the rockford files rockford and i never realized how fucked up his personal life was he lived in a mobile home mobile home like down on the beach i thought it was a cool house yeah no it was a mobile home he had a cool car didn't me yeah he couldn't he couldn't like no he didn't he actually had a station wagon no he had he had the the firebird uh a spirit i think it was so you remember how like with the with the with the

camaro there was the z28 the burlenetta the rally sport and i think there was a base model so like they all had the same body type but they all had different suspensions and engines so the z28 was the one that you wanted so with the firebird it was the trans am then the formula 400 and then the spirit i believe so this is kind of interesting because this is right before burl Reynolds did um smoking the bandit and made that car iconic so when that thing was coming to series they wanted to give them uh the trans am with the you know whatever they call it the fucking flaming eagle on the other bird and he goes no man this guy wouldn't drive that because he was going like this guy lives in a trailer home yeah yeah um and then they go all right

what about if we give you the formula 400 which had the trans am i think the 6.6 leader in it it just didn't have all the decals but it still had the side scoops and the hood scoop so it still looked badass so he said all right get me the formula 400 and have it look like in a spirit so that's why it had the radial white wall tires and it had those rims on it and stuff but actually under the hood he had a badass engine there were a lot of guys you know like so there was uh who was jack clugman living on a boat he was an md um you know it was later on Quincy yeah Quincy there were a lot of these guys that were just like these like lone rain like solo guys just kind of you know they were having some fun but like they

lived kind of a simple life that that probably had an impression on us that's why we're in comedy and we're in our 30s just living by ourselves but Quincy and and you know that's also writers in the writers room i think they they would live vicariously through them like what if i didn't get married what if i was a badass and that type of stuff so they wrote all these fucking these great guys and i think they just they created this standard of guy that nobody could live up to and then i think like the last 20 years has been about sort of tearing that guy down um i don't know and maybe i don't know maybe i don't like that they do that a lot of shows do that now because it makes me feel um makes me feel old or stupid because i used to watch i watched all of

those action hero guys so every one of those movies so it's funny i'm sitting here making fun of the fucking marvel movies and all of that shit so what action movies what action every fucking one that came out every schwarzenegger okay every every chak noris every savester salon every muscle from brussels that guy every fucking steven segal uh i used to watch ones of people that they you know like guys who get spit like guys would uh the guy played ivan drago i think he had a couple where they try to make him a star in those things i watched all of every by the way he's super smart by the way i think he's like a genius oh he is i never thought he was stupid well you said he was stupid no but like i said every stupid movie i went up yeah oh no i was joking i i didn't mean

like that um but he yeah those movies it's it's interesting so like there but like there was an ounce of reality that existed in the unbelievable uh aspect of rambo do you know i mean but like now they're just like they're like look don't he doesn't even have to be a vietnam vet he's just like a guy from another planet but we there was i just watched the last one i loved it it was just superman right or and well right now i want to i want to take back everything i said about marvel uh movies because now i realized that i was the marvel movies i was watching them growing up were all the action movies which if you really looked at him so many of them were like you know that a lot of the shit that they still do today there's a guy he used ex-military people come in

they fuck with them don't realize they're fucking with the wrong guy it's the uh what the fuck that guy's name he does all of those he does like nine of those movies where it's just like if you fuck with my family oh yeah yeah lian said i'm gonna fuck kill you pick up the phone pick up the phone yeah he's around your fucking neck i don't want to kill you but like the the thing about the marvel movies is that and i'm because i have kids i wouldn't have seen them but i have seen them is they are you know there's a lot of complex storyline i love the batman one it's still you know like a guy in tights but i know they're better than the ones we had whatever i'm just a old guy bitching i will tell you i did see superman versus batman and i should have brought ear

plugs i mean i thought acdc was quieter than that fucking movie it was so fucking loud and they just beat the fuck out of each other destroyed a whole city and they literally there was like a hundred skyscrapers and they threw each one another into like 98 of them and you know it's like did you ever see the 300 the chrysler 300 no it's a it's a movie called the 300 i think it was called the 300 i think it was called 300 300 300 how old do we sound what did you see the 300 there was did you see the john elton's concert when you were a fan of the star wars did you see the Seinfeld my dad used to say that is she on that internet that internet that internet i don't know what about 300 300 i liked yes he like it was interesting but i it was so kind of special effective i was

kind of like when it comes to history i love history so i was like more history less less brushed abs yeah or just kind of like now there's a monster that comes out of the ground that you have to deal with