Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-15

Episode Date: December 22, 2015

Bill rambles about dog shit, tape worms and giving thanks.

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All I can judge by is the feedback you guys have been giving me on Twitter, Facebook and wherever the hell else you guys are at. And you guys seem to be liking it. So thank you so much for watching the goddamn show. Please tell your friends about it. Very happy that people are enjoying it. We worked our asses off on it. So with that, let's get on with the podcast. As you know, it's really late today, you know, later than it usually is.

I just have family in town and I don't know, they're like regular people, so they sleep and, you know, they sleep and they sleep and they sleep. And I am, I don't, I don't get it. I mean, I go to bed after, I go to bed after regular people and I wake up before them. You know, it's probably because they're like, I don't know, more just at peace with themselves so they could just keep sleeping. But my brain keeps going the whole fucking night. So I mean, I can get about six hours and then I got to get up and start doing something or I go absolutely fucking insane. So I wasn't able to record this morning because everybody was still sleeping and I had to walk around and be on eggshells. So of course I'm on the phone with Verzi and we're yelling about sports and my wife came out and let me know.

You know, you got to stop walking around screaming at the top of your lungs into your phone, having sports arguments with people. You do it at all hours of the day. You have people on speaker and you're screaming about sports and it's really affecting the environment in the house. Now, if I was a mature adult, I'd be like, you know what, you're absolutely right. I should be considerate. I can only imagine if you were walking around screaming about all the shit you watch on Bravo TV that unbelievably fucking, I don't just devoid of any sort of intellect on that fucking cunt of a channel. I swear to God, if I knew somebody in the CIA, I bet it goes ISIS and then Bravo TV and then whoever's the fire.

I don't know. Who would be the next person they're going to go after? It's just as far as like, you know, fucking up this country. ISIS Bravo TV and I don't Bravo TVs. That's a broad brush that gets rid of a lot of people. But anyways, so if I was a mature adult, I would have just been like, you know what, you're absolutely right. But instead, what did I say? I said, well, you know, you fucking sleep all day.

You sleep till like, you know, all hours of the day. And I got to walk around tippy toe and she was just like, I'm not talking about that. It's like, yeah, well, I am. I'm talking about that. Why are you talking about it? Because I know you're right in the other area of the debate. So I already have a New Year's resolution. No more screaming on my phone in the house about sports TV.

And there you go. Once again, I'll work on myself as a human being and slowly stop being the bill that you know and love. And I'll become that thing they want you to be. And one day they wake up and they go, oh, the work's done. I'm bored. I think I'll go blow somebody else. And you know what? That's, you know, that's the trajectory of most marriages.

You know, everything they liked about you, they start to fucking hate. Then they fix it and then they do you somebody different. Then they walk down the street just giving handies. Who wants one? Who gets your hand jobs here? Unapply married woman coming down the street. Took my dog for a walk today all the way around the block and it didn't shit once. It's just, you know, it usually shits like two, three times.

So I got all paranoid. I was looking around the house trying to find dog shit. I couldn't find it anywhere. Then I was thinking like, did it shit its brains out the day before so that it just, it's got nothing left? I don't know. You know something, this might be one for a veterinarian. Maybe I should call them up rather than just talking out into fucking the empty space of podcast them. That's right.

Podcast them. I did that fighter in the kid. Brian Callans podcast. I did that earlier today. So look for that. And you probably wonder what Jesus, but why are you so fucking lethargic? Because you only get six hours sleep. No, because me and a buddy of mine went to a burger place that somebody suggested down in Watts LA as in the Watts riots.

That's the reason why people, white people know about Watts. We got a hamburger place down there called Hawkins. And we went down there. There was three of us, white as fuck, white as fuck, a new show on Bravo. And we drove down there and we were all laughing just going, all right, three of the whitest people ever going to go down into Watts. You know, are we going to get mugged as second we get out of the car? Are they going to think we're cops, you know, all the scared white guy things. And then we showed up and we're staring at the fucking menu.

And this guy just goes, Hey, is this your first time here? And we go, Yeah. And then they go first timers and they bring the kitchen yell, Hey, welcome to Hawkins. Came looking after school special was hilarious. And then as a white person, you're like, Oh, it really isn't that bad. I get it now. Most of my thoughts are just fear based. Right.

And then there's always that one dude's just got to fuck it up for everybody. Right. This guy showed up fucking weird, weird vibe. He had a U.S. Air Force bag. He just sort of left it in the middle of the area where we're eating and then walked away from it sat in the corner was sort of staring at us. And he was eating peanuts. He wasn't eating burger. And then he walked outside and walked around to the open window area where we were at and then he offered us peanuts.

We were like, no, thank you. We would, we don't want any of your peanuts. And then we sort of finished up and we went to leave and he was staring at us and he wrote down our license plate number. That's awful. It's awful what going to war does to you, but I think he was super fucking paranoid already. I'm piecing it together. I certainly wasn't going to have a conversation with the guy. I was judging by the U.S. Air Force bag and then, you know, the paranoid behavior.

And he had something on his fucking wrist like he got fucked up his wrist or something like that. I have no fucking idea, but all I can tell you is I'm going to go back there again because it was the best goddamn burger. I think I might be the best burger I've ever had, but Jesus fucking Christ. It's the size of a football. And, you know, if you're a goal oriented person, you know, you're going to get about three bites and go and holy fuck, this is delicious. You're going to get halfway through and you're going to be like, do I win a t-shirt if I finish this thing? And then finally just like, you know, I got to finish this thing. The fries are delicious.

I got the fat burger with egg and it was outstanding. It's called Hawkins. It's right off the south central, I believe, and it was fucking delicious. And I was like, thank God, because I was bringing, you know, it was a recommendation from a couple of people I met when I did yet another failed pilot. And, you know, I love meeting people that are actually from Los Angeles because they love Los Angeles and then they know all the cool places to go. So most people who are transplants like me stay basically in the Hollywood Valley area. So I asked these guys, I'm like, give me something. What do you got?

What do you guys want? You want to fucking, you know, you want to try something? Go down to Watts. We went down there. It was absolutely fucking delicious. But I'll tell you this right now. I am paying for it. There's no way you won't.

If you're smart, you go down there and you'll split one. But if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably not smart and you're going to order one yourself and you're going to do what I just did. But it's a wonderful experience until you get right to the end and your body keeps saying, stop it. Stop it. What are you doing? Stop it and you just can't. You just keep fucking shoveling it in your face and then you just lean in on something. You lean in on something.

You're like, why did I just do that? Oh, my God, I got to be on the fucking elliptical for nine years. And then all of a sudden a fucking Air Force veterans off in your peanuts and you want to stay and say, no, you want to stand up straight and look like you're somebody that can't be fucked with. You know, and you just can't do it. You just lean in there and then maybe it comes off as confidence and maybe that's why he leaves you alone. I have no fucking idea. But um, oh, my God, my mouth is dry. There's so much fucking salt in me right now.

You know, Jesus Christ. But you know what? It was worth it. I was actually psyched. I went down there. I watched this great documentary, which of course I can't remember the name of it. But Forest did the the narration on it. It was all about the history of Los Angeles and the gangs and all of that stuff and police violence and everything.

And it actually broke down all those different areas. You always hear about it. You know, I mean, people saw straight out of Compton and actually know where where Compton is. You know what I mean? It's ridiculous. It's one of the great groups of all fucking time. You should know where it is. LA is just so fucking weird like that.

They pave over their history. They don't fucking tell you where anything is. It's all about the highways. Take the 405 to the 10. You guys ever watched that SNL sketch? The Californians, right? They'd be like, Devin, what are you doing there? Like that sketch was so fucking accurate as far as like everybody's obsessed with like, uh, where did you come from and where do you live?

And it's always, oh, I took the 105 to the 110 to the 60, you know, got off at fucking Mulholland. It's all obsessing about how to get how you got somewhere because of this fucking hellacious traffic. So anyways, I am. I'm full of salt right now. I'm not going to eat again until breakfast tomorrow. Fuck. Oh, but it was worth it. It was fucking worth it.

I had like one bite of that and I'm like, I am bringing Nia here tomorrow. And then I got halfway through the burger and I was like, I am bringing Nia here in about a month. And then I finished it and I was just like in six months when I'm not full, when I'm not full again. I'm so fucking full right now. I can't even finish my sentences. Oh, it's glorious. It's really a feeling that so few people in the world know. Most people are starving, you know, so I'm trying to feel privileged right now,

even though it's a big part of me wants to kill myself. Oh, it hurts to laugh. Jesus Christ. No, it was Thanksgiving between two buns. It was fucking my buddy. One of my buddies had a pastrami sandwich. He said I'm three bites in. I still haven't made it to the bud.

He was smart enough to stop me. My other friend just we just kept going and he had to fucking drive. I wanted to go around and recline the seat so fucking bad, but I was afraid that if I reclined, it was all going to come up. All right, Bill enough, you talked about dog shitting and overeating. Is this supposed to be exciting? Well, it's that time of year. It's that time of year when you can say, come on and eat a manhole size fucking burger.

It was incredible. So anyways, what's, why don't we, why don't we talk about some shit other than dog shitting and me eating an oversized burger? Stupid password. I can never reopen the thing. Still fucked it up. How about the, how about those New England Patriots? Huh?

Sort of limping along. I don't think we're going to do any damage this year. I really, I just don't think it's our fucking year, man. We just got too many injuries and I watched the Giants Panthers. As I mentioned, I, when I was promoting the efforts for family last week, I got to do rich eyes and show. I called in and I was talking about how I thought the Giants Panthers game was going to be the game of the week.

As far as either the Giants turn the fucking corner like they always seem to in December and make one of those great playoff runs despite their record or the Panthers are going to basically go undefeated and win the Super Bowl. That's what the fuck I was saying. Of course, what do I know? I'm just a comedian, but I watched the game. It was a great game. And of course everybody was freaking out about Odell Beckham and I was a guy Norman.

I can't believe Beckham didn't get fucking ejected. You know what I mean? I swear to God, that was fucking unbelievable. But however though, a lot of me, I really enjoyed it. I love them getting each other's faith. I didn't like him launching him helmet to helmet, that type of hit. But I was talking to another friend of mine. I said, it reminded me of Mel Blunt and Golden Richards back in the day, except Golden Richards

fought back. But it's interesting because Beckham kind of acted like a big fucking baby because he wasn't getting any catches just because he got roughed up a little bit. And I kind of agree with what I hope I'm saying his name right back. Was it not a Beckham, I mean Norman, right? Ah, fuck Bill, why don't you look up shit before you fucking start talking about it? Then you got to type with one index finger and that's not fun for anybody, right? Yeah, Josh Norman, he said he kind of cracked the code on him.

You get under his skin a little bit, so I think more people are going to try to fuck with Beckham because God knows if you just try to cover him, you can't do it. But once again, the football gods love the giants. They love them. How the fuck do you get away? This guy ran like fucking 30 yards and just jumped in the air headfirst into another guy's fucking helm. I guess because it was away from the play, they didn't see it.

Three personal fouls. I don't know. You know what it really comes down to? As you know, much as all you cunts, oh, the fucking Brady rule. There really is the superstar rule. The fucking superstar. We can throw that guy out of that game. You know, you couldn't do it.

He's one of the superstars. They need to make their money first and then about 50 other things and then they try to protect the players because even now that the fact that they're trying to protect players, why are they protecting? They're protecting their wallets now that everybody there. What's that from? No, you are looking at a man that doesn't judge another man by the size of his wallet. Come on.

What movie? Fucking Wall Street, dude. Charlie Sheen doing that scene with his fucking father. With Martin Sheen, right? Oh, Bud Fox. Anyways, but I was texting back and forth between Verzi and Yanis Papas and, you know, they kept doing that. You know, when the Giants are coming back, this is New York.

This is what New York does. He's just writing, Eli is from Louisiana, you know, that state and that part of the country that all New Yorkers look down upon. You know, he's just country bought Louisiana. That's who the fuck he is. All right. He's yet another non-New Yorker who came to New York and took over because when you look at the competition, come on, man, you know, I'm just talking about white people here.

Okay. I'm not talking about other fucking ethnicities because I don't know what you guys are bringing to the table. Every once in a while, I listen to your music. I tap my toes and that's about the extent of it. Well, maybe I come down and eat your food. That's about it. But other than that, I'm pretty fucking white.

So all I know is the white people in New York are generally speaking, you know, it's not real deep. Most of those cunts down Wall Street are not from New York. They jerk off finance majors from all around the country. Go down there and start nodding on the bone. What does New York do about it? They don't do a fucking thing. They went from gangs in New York where people just walking around with hatchets and shit

to now it's just, it's a fucking cakewalk. It's like when Pacino said this is like one big posty waiting to get fucked. That's what New York is. And then if you go there and you succeed, then they say you're a New Yorker. You know what I mean? Pad it. New York is such PEDs. It's fucking ridiculous nowadays, at least with white people.

I'm telling you, you know what I mean? A lot of great rappers, obviously. And basketball stars and that type of shit have come from New York. But other than that, white people, generally speaking, the average white New Yorker, I'm telling you, he's just, he's not bringing it. He's standing outside of a tad steak, you know, in his sweatpants. Got his little fucking Sony Walkman on, listening to Alicia Keys. New York, can't be such a faddle, you woo woo.

You know, thinking you're a part of it. You're not a part of it. You just, you're just one of the ants running around. Frank Sinatra's from Hoboken, New Jersey. He's bridging fucking tunnel and he came in and took over your fucking city. All right? Eli Manning breathes through his fucking mouth and he looks, he looks like a five-year-old in a football uniform.

He just does. He's got no style. The man wears doctors for Christ's sake and he comes in there and look at him. He's lining up under center. Anyways, why am I shitting all over him? I actually fucking love the Giants. I do have to tell you though, JPP, that fucking, you know, that wrap that he now has on his hand that looks like he's holding a fucking frying pan.

I swear to God, if somebody on the Patriots deflected one pass with that fucking thing, it would be illegal and we would lose draft picks. And I'm doing that every week from now on. That's going to be my new fucking thing. I'll tell you right now, if we did it, we'd be fucked. Did you see when he knocked down that pass with the fucking bulk of that bandage on his wrist? I'm telling you, that's his new move.

Rather than sacking, wasting his energy sacking the quarterback. You just hold up that giant fucking stop sign. It's an incredible, you know, obviously it's fucking tragic and I'm trying to make light of it because I honestly feel, you know, it's just a fucking horrible that that accident had to happen. But you know, then all of a sudden the team you want to win throws a ball and he fucking puts his hand up. You know, all the sympathy goes out the window like, dude, what the fuck is that thing?

That's legal? He's like holding up one of those giant light bulbs, you know, that he was in science experiments. Anyways, I mean, it's almost as big as my head. I'll tell you, if you could somehow wrap my head around your fucking hand, you know, and stuck it up, you would, you would lead the league in past defenses. Is that what they call them? I don't know what they call them. All I know is I really enjoyed that war between Norman and Odell Beckham and I love that Norman

called them a bitch at the end of the game and I don't think you should be fine. Obviously Odell should, you know, you can't jump off your fucking feet like that. Doing a sailor's dive into the side of somebody's fucking ear hole. What are you thinking? You know what I mean? But I swear to God, it reminded me of Mel Blunt and Golden Richards. Golden Richards had blonde hair just like Odell Beckham. You know?

No? You don't know that? Well, you know something I do. Something I like to think about. Oh fuck, I'm so goddamn full. This is so stupid, Bill. Why did I do this? By the way, I always forget to do this.

The podcast email, ladies and gentlemen, the podcast email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. Oh my God. I'm sorry guys. I got to keep fucking drinking water. I'm so full of fucking salt right now. I'm just talking to a buddy of mine. He thought he had a tapeworm. I swear to God.

This should be, you know what? You know what? You know what? You know what? Sell like fucking hotcakes right around this time of year. Tapeworms that were almost at the end of their lives. Tapeworms. Tapeworms.

Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms.

Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms. Tapeworms that were almost at the end of their lives. And if you could just somehow force it down, you know, and just during the holiday season, you eat like a fucking animal and it eats 90% of the nutrition and then it just fucking kills over and dies like Marlon Brando when he's out in the garden with his son, you

know, or his grandson. Wouldn't that be great? Then you can just eat and drink like a fucking maniac and this tapeworm just takes it all and then it dies. And then, you know, for the next couple of weeks when you have to go to the potty, you just don't turn around and look. This is the most disgusting fucking podcast I've ever done. I'm sorry.

I started off with dog shit and I mean, where do I go? You can't make a comeback. You might as well borrow a little further into it, right? Is there anything worse when you go out to take your dog on a fucking hour and a half hike and you realize you only have one shit bag left, you know, and then you got to make that decision. I'm either going to leave some, I'm going to leave some behind like Willem Dafoe and Platoon, or I'm going to have to get, try to get creative and there's shit in the bag

and then you got to drop the shit out onto the new shit and then you just fucking did it. It's just, it's a fucking nightmare. Oh God, how gross can this become? I just, is there any women still listening? This is disgusting. Are you like this guy? You think this guy's funny?

Shut up, Margaret. Shut up. All right. Any woman right now yelling your husband or boyfriend right now, you need to stand the fuck down. Okay. You know what you're going to make them do this fucking holiday season. Let the man listen to a fucking podcast for Christ's sake.

Look at him. He's going to die eight years before you. Can, can you have a heart and be nice to him on average? He's going to die eight years before you. That's the deal. I should like Dick Van Dyke. 90 years old and he's still dancing. Still got the light in his eye, man.

That fucking guy was sharp as hell. I think that's the key to it. He's dancing. Is it? I don't know. Maybe figuratively dancing in your heart. Walking down the street just still hearing the birds chirp. Sorry.

Oh my God. Oh fuck. I'm going to take a phone. You know what? I might walk down to the comedy store tonight and then I'm going to get all the way down there. Bill, you want to go on stage? I can't.

I can't. I'm just going to turn around and walk back. You know what? That's a great idea. What do I care? I don't have any fucking new ideas right now. Do I? I don't think I did.

I think I had that. Maybe I got a couple, two or three. I have no idea. Hey, how about I read a little bit of advertising for you guys? Huh? You think I read bad when I fucking regular day. Forget about when I got a whole giant burger in me. Oh my God.

It was good. Holy fucking shit. Was it delicious? I can't wait to go back. You know? Is it all right to just be bulimic every once in a while? That would have been a great time to do it. Oh my God.

That was delicious. All right. Fucking puke for a minute straight. All right. Dollar Shave Club everybody. All right. Hey you guys. You know what?

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Oh God, I'm almost out of water. Oh God, I think that's all I need for the next fucking 24 hours. I literally have my hands over my face right now. That's how full I am. You know, if you saw me, you'd be like, oh my God, did a loved one die? No, I ate a giant burger. And I don't have enough water. I'm sorry.

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Oh man, I gotta pay my fucking taxes, you sons of bitches. You know, it'd be one thing if they actually fixed the pothole on my fucking road. You know, it'd be one thing if they did that. I'm gonna sound like an old man right now. Anyways, I did a, as I mentioned, oh fuck. This really is not a good feeling, man. I know it's delicious people, but you know, I just, I recommend not doing a podcast right after you fucking eat one of these goddamn things. Oh my God.

So anyways, like I mentioned, I did, I did Fighter and the Kid podcast today. And when Brian Callum wasn't talking about his amazing athletic physique, I was trying to talk to a professional fighter, Brendan Schaub. I hope I said his last name correctly. And I was just fascinated with the ability to slip a punch and how they just stare at the center of your chest and look for some movement in your shoulders and they're able to somehow slip the fucking punch. It was amazing to me. We talked about cauliflowered ears and at what points you're not, you can't drain them anymore because I guess initially it's blood and then it turns all fucking had. I don't know. That's probably more interesting than anything that I fucking talked about, but anybody fights for a living man.

I wanted to talk more about that. I hope I get to do the podcast again because if there's just a way to get Brian Callum to stop talking about himself, there's somehow a way to do that. I had a lot of interesting questions, but you know, Brian somehow gets himself in between you and the interesting thing that could actually happen. And he just, you know, has to talk about his geometric shape, which I believe he described as an upside down triangle being screwed into something else. I don't know, manly, an old TV tube. I forget why he described his lower portion of his body, but you know, there's just one description after another about his amazing physique. I'm fucking with you obviously. I love Brian Callum.

So listen to that this week. And with that, why don't I get into the fucking questions before I literally fall asleep? All right. Terry Reed, everybody. I don't know who that is. I know what Tara Reed is. Terry Reed. Hey there, Billy Bilbo Baggins. Just wondering if you ever heard of Terry Reed.

He was offered by Jimmy Page to be the front man to his new yard birds. Yeah, birds band and said that he had a couple of guys that would be better for the job. Robert Plant and John Bonham. I love the story and I love Terry's music. If you hadn't heard his stuff, check out seed of memory to be treated right. And Dean are my favorites. I guess there's a documentary super lungs is coming out soon. Anyways, I've never heard you mention him before and thought it'd be right up your alley out.

Well, that's amazing. You know, there's a bunch of those kinds of fucking stories. Like somebody sent me one recently. I think I might have talked about it about a guy who filled in for Ringo star for like two weeks at the height of Beatlemania. Ringo had like tonsillitis or something. And of course it was the early 60s. So it was damn near fatal. You know what I mean?

Yeah, like fucking go to some witch doctor or some shit to get cured. So they had this other guy sit in and he went from complete nobody to being totally famous and every chicken in the world. They couldn't fuck Lenin McCartney or fucking Harrison was jumping on his dick. And then the whole fucking thing ended two weeks later and no one knew who he was. And he was just like, what the fuck was that? And I guess, you know, he didn't want to make a documentary out of it, but recently I was I was going through Twitter and they showed a picture of him. This great picture. It's great for me looking at it to get a sense of what it was like after he was in the Beatles probably crushing for him.

He was sitting in a at an airport waiting for a flight and he was like the only guy there just sitting there by himself with his Beatles haircut. They made him get a Beatles haircut and wear like a fucking Ringo style suit. And then he was just like, what the fuck happened within two years he was broke and out of the music business. They just kind of lifted him up and gave the old right there Fred right back down. Kind of incredible. So I always find that amazing when there was like people that were, you know, in bands. In fact, I remember a long time ago I was trying to develop this script, but of course I've just I have too much ADD to try to get these fucking ideas off the ground. But I had an idea for for a movie and then they ended up kind of doing the movie already with one of those guys from the office.

But my idea was, you know, I used to watch those those behind the musics and there was always somebody. Oh, fuck it comes the artists. Oh, that burgers taking me down. There's there's always that person early on. You know, they're like in AC DC and they decide to quit and go to school or they get married. And then the band goes on to make it and I always thought like what ever happened to that fucking guy got to spend the rest of his life. I give a shit what he does. He'd be a fucking brain surgeon.

People still like, dude, you quit AC DC. Oh my God, what a fucking loser for the rest of your life. So I had this idea for movies of it was basically it was about a guy that quit a band and went on to make it. And it was all about his I think I wrote it for Adam Sandler because it was late 90s when I was writing this thing. And it just it was a fucking mess. I was never able to land it. And basically what happened was he ends up meeting the devil in a bar and he sells his soul to go back in time to not quit the band. So he stays in the band.

He ends up not meeting the love of his life. And then he ends up discovering that the reason why the band made it was because he quit and the right person got into the band. So he lost his the love of his life and the band didn't make it. He fucked them all up and and he was going to go to hell. And interestingly enough, that's where my script went to hell because I the way I got out of it was then he didn't give a shit. He was going to hell. He fucking went out of his way to find the fucking guy who should have been in the band. So then the band makes it.

And because he did that selfless thing, there was a loophole in selling your soul real Disney fucking ending and he gets he doesn't have to sell his soul. He gets back with his wife and then they go to the concert in the end. Oh, this is how I should have done it. And he's like, you know, I mean, I wouldn't trade being with you, sweetie, for all the fucking free pussy in the world. The end, right? And they kind of made a movie like that. Or enough of it. Either way, I don't give a fuck, right?

So anyway, it's getting back to this Terry Reed guy. I was going to say that sounds very interesting. I'm actually, you know, I'm going to fucking put this guy in right now to look him up. Terry Reed, man. That sounds like a country guy. Was that Jerry Reed? He's found a dad loaded up and fucking wives. You know, we said that one night when he was just sick of singing that song in front of those fucking church going racing racist fucking country music fans.

God, they love talking about family. I'll tell you right now, if I wasn't white, I would not hang around with any white people that talked about the family values. The second white people start talking about that shit. You just know it's, you know, what's underneath that good family values, you know, founding fathers. All right, let's, let's, let's not get too political here, Bill. All right, wife's brother found picture I posted online. My wife's brother found a picture I posted online. Okay, obviously it's not going to be too good.

First off, go fuck yourself. All right, thank you. Very nice to see you too. Oh, wait, I forgot to read what this person wrote at the end. Just Ben's drinking, watching Effis for family right now. So far, I love it. It mirrors the anger I have inside, but can't let out in a modern day society. Thanks for all the free content.

And as always, go fuck yourself. All right, it's another guy watching Effis family. All right. This next guy, my wife's brother found a picture I posted online. All right. First off, go fuck yourself. Hey, stop being me. Oh, by the way, did anybody see Will Farrell on Jimmy Fallon, the tonight show this week doing that?

I got to give you a link to this, even though it already has 12 million fucking views. Will Farrell is the new Santa Claus and he's like a, like a Santa brow. And I can't do it justice. I can't do it. He's kind of got a high pitch. Hey, Jimmy. He's got this fucking blonde wig on with the soul patch. I've watched that.

It's like a fucking 10 minute video. I've already watched it like four times. I hate to say this. I was actually watching it while driving the other day. Just laughing, you know, fucking traffic out here, you know, but you got to see it. It's the fact that it's just a one off character and then he came out and crushed that hard with it. The guy's an absolute genius. By the way, he has a movie coming out called Daddy's Home starring Mark Wahlberg, Boston's own Mark Wahlberg and yours truly has a quick scene in there.

I got a quick scene. Don't blink or you'll miss me, but that comes out on Christmas Day. So if you already saw Star Wars, which is hilarious, I heard it's fucking awesome. And now I want to go see it after me trashing it. Um, Verzi was fucking defending it was trying to say Star Wars is not a nerd movie, which is like me saying the New York Yankees aren't a baseball team. Like it's it's not only a nerd movie. It's like a nerd's nerd movie. You know what I mean?

That's like saying good fellas is not a gangster movie. It's it's more about interpersonal relationships. Yes, the total fucking nerd movie, but it's it's fine. It's okay to be in. He's defending it going like talking about what a great jump shot he has and how he can throw a football like an animal. I love Verzi. He's always talking trash. Man is always talking trash.

So of course I got to be a cunt. I wrote him back on Facebook. I'm going Paul, not for nothing, but when there's this full grown adults dressing like the characters in the movies that you got to expect, you're going to get a little bit of shit. Right? Because he's trying to do it. Let me shoot negative. Can people just have a good time here? Um, I think it's the fact that the first four, like three out of four were either mediocre or absolutely horrific.

And people would rather line up and watch that shit. There's all truly amazing movies, truly amazing cinema out there. All right. First off, I'll cut to the chase. Be nice if I did. I've started this letter like three times. I'm 22 and married, married with two children. One is biological.

That word always reminds me of Shaq's rap because his biological didn't bother. Remember that? He was bobbing his head. Of course they got him a convertible because he's like nine feet tall. Uh, I got a little, I got a little too shit face the other night and I shared skimpy pictures of my wife's awesome ass on. I can't tell where you got a little shit faced. You got a little too shit faced. Long story short, my wife's brother was also on there and came across these pictures.

My wife was passed out drunk and I drew a monster eating a hot dog coming out of her ass before taking the pictures. Dude, this isn't real. I don't want this to be real. So then you posted it on a porn site and it turned out your brother-in-law was on there. Or your girlfriend's brother was on there. What the fuck is going on? Brother-in-law. This is that.

That's actually a happy ending that the circle of you three ended right there and you guys just swirl around on an Eddie of that fucking nonsense. Thank God that didn't go out into humanity like like a virus. Because my wife was passed out. Let me read this again. My wife was passed out drunk and I drew a monster eating a hot dog coming out of her ass before taking the pictures. Her brother is coming to town for the holidays and I'm curious what you would do in this situation. Why the fuck did he know it was his sister's ass? He was scrolling through, look at that, ass.com and all the same was just like, Karen?

Or do you have your own name on this porno site? Or would you do it on Facebook? This is really weird. You know what? This might be one of the few law and order episodes that were never made. Then he shows up. Hey, that was just a joke. And then he fucking, did he kill you?

Did the wife kill you? Who knows? All right. Her brother's coming into town for the holidays. I'm curious what you would do in this situation. You mean, I don't know, but aside from kill myself, I don't know. Her brother already doesn't care for me and I'm expecting an ass beating. If he starts hitting me, can I hit him back or just become a punching bag for the evening?

How old are you? You got kids. He's 22. Wait, you've made a series of bad decisions in life and it's ended with this. And I think it's great that the year is ending that you're in this situation. And I would try to do something to get out of it. The first thing I do, I'd stop drawing pictures of my wife's ass and putting them on the internet. Secondly, I would take some self-defense classes and put my wife's brother in his place,

but he's going to be right on this one. The only way he knows that your wife's ass is if somehow your name is connected to that account. So I'm guessing you went on Facebook for friends and family and your fucking wife's ass with the hot dog coming out of it. That's really weird. It probably looked like fucking shit, didn't it? You were drawing a fucking turd coming out of her ass. Yeah, if anybody starts hitting you, you can always hit back. I just try to tie him up.

Just get him in a bear hug and just get your mouth in his ear going, I'm sorry, dude, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Joey, I'm sorry. Just keep doing that. Maybe that'll work. I have no idea. That's a hell of a predicament. Anyways, he goes, thank you for ever for family. It's the only show that is funnier than South Park.

Easy, easy. You know what is it? South Park's the king. I love the podcast and of course the advice. Go fuck yourself as much as I fucked myself. Well, good luck with that one. Final. Dear William Claus,

I'm buying a couple of friends slash relatives some vinyl this year for Christmas. Need some help. I want to get a couple of classic rock and jazz albums. Do you are Nia or the dude who does your podcast? Or even your mailman have any suggestions? Well, I think Bill Burr live at Andrew's house is a hell of a, that's a hell of a record to own personally speaking. I think it's phenomenal.

If I do say so myself. What kind of what kind of jazz you want to listen to? I mean, you can go with the classics. If you just come out, you know, you have the ones that everybody gets to try it. Even the people try to pretend like they're into jazz like me, no. You know, like, uh, God, what are those Miles Davis, one birth a cool. The one with my funny Valentine on it might be that one. Wow.

Right. John Coltrane, a love supreme. That's that's fucking. You know, it sounds like a baby playing the fucking saxophone to me. If it actually knew what it was doing, but didn't understand how to make sentences yet. Um, I always like Miles Davis in a silent way. Uh, classic rock albums. Come on, man.

I was Zeppelin too. Uh, AC DC back in black. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know. I got a giant burger sitting in me and it's slowly, you know, I feel like, I feel like this must be what it's like after you get bit by a poisonous snake after the pain is gone and the horror is gone, the serpent has left the area and you just given into the fact

like, Hey man, I'm just going to ride this out. I'm going to start hallucinating and I might wake up dead in some other place or I might just die right here right now. Um, I saw something so I can't even talk about it. I guess I saw something so fucked up the other day. I was watching one of those animal clips. I ain't animals that don't have the decency to kill another animal before they start eating it. You know, reptiles are big on that.

So reptile one time, you know, those giant bulls that fucking routinely kill lions. It's Komodo dragon fucking bit it in the leg and it's got such bacteria in its in its mouth that it knows it's going to get into the bulls fucking blood system and it's just going to collapse, but it takes like three days. So this lizard just keeps following this thing around waiting for it to collapse, not die collapse. And then it comes up and just starts eating its guts. It's the fucking cows. It's just horrific.

I don't know why I'm bringing that up. You know what? I brought that up. Let's see if I can make you laugh after that fucking image show. All right. TV show, TV show recommendations. Um, number one, a Billy Bob red fuck, a Billy Bob red fuck. How's it going?

That's actually a good one. I fucked it up. I have a show you need to watch. It's called Ray Donovan starring, uh, leave Shriver. It's about a Boston family that moves to LA and why are you acting like this isn't a massive fucking, uh, a massive hit plays a fixer for celebrities and high profile people in the city. It's fucking amazing.

I know you'd like it. It's got boozing, banging tits and death, the four components of the sixth show. Take a watch. You won't be disappointed. Thanks for all the podcasts always gets me through the day. Go fuck yourself. Um, actually, I'm going to start watching that show because, um, a good friend of mine, Mike Biden, um, who directed black or white, who's become one of my really good friends.

And, uh, he's actually signed on to start writing on that show. And, uh, I was talking to him the other day. He says he wakes up early, excited to go to work. He's loving working on the show and he was telling me how sick some of the shows are that they're making right now. So I'm definitely, I'm going to try to get caught up on that one. So thank you for the recommendation. Do you have any more?

Oh, look at that. Recommendation number two, two, two. All right. Uh, dear Billy sleuth, the 2009 BBC Sherlock Holmes TV show starring Benedict Cumberbatch is awesome. The acting is great. Great. And it's shot well.

It's only four seasons, four episodes per season. Very well done. It's on Netflix. And there are a couple of seasons. You know, I'm going to give that a shot. Sherlock Holmes was always really dry because he's so fucking cerebral. I like those cops that, you know, they smack people around, you know what I mean? And then drink and shit.

They solve shit the way, you know, the way people who aren't smart do, you know, they get themselves liquored up and they use, uh, violence. I like watching that shit. So I'll sit with that, you know, I always feel like Sherlock Holmes is like Europe's doctor who, but if there's only four episodes per season, I think I can do that. Hey, number three, oh, this burger, this burger is taking me down. I don't know if I'm going to make it guys. This might be my last Monday morning podcast.

I want to thank all you guys for listening over the last decade. Hey, Bill, speech is slowly going to become slurred. My vision is beginning to double. I'll be able to go on with the others. This is how it ends. All right. Hey, Bill, not sure if you've seen the Nick yet, but it's a great show. Clive Owen is great.

He's a heroin slash coke addict doctor who does experimental surgeries in 1901. Jesus Christ, I'm on board. Every time my wife and I watch it, we always say, Jesus Christ. Oh, oh, Jesus Christ, the way you do because of the crazy shit that goes down. Give it a watch and allow yourself to say the same thing. Thanks for the laughs. All right, I'll try that. Number four, dear Bill, have you heard of this new show?

F is for family. Why? No, I have not. Wink, wink, let me read. Let me read the description. It's voiced by the redheaded, the redhead from I Love the 80 Strikes Back. Bruce Stern's daughter does a voice to it's an accurate portrayal of life in the seventies filled with all types of humor.

The language is a bit salty, so make sure not to watch it on Sundays. I heard they signed for four and a half more seasons. So don't expect to see the redhead on VH1 anytime soon. Love you, man. Thanks for the laughs. Oh, I wasn't that sweet. That was a nice little gift there, wasn't it? All right, winding down here.

You know, I told myself the other day I was going to wrap the Christmas gifts and just fucking just put this whole Christmas thing to bed, you know, because the next few nights I'm going to a bunch of Christmas parties. And, you know what I mean? Oh, God, why did I do that burger today? And then I got these Christmas parties, you know? All right, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking the second I'm done with this shit.

I'm and I upload this podcast. I'm shoving my giant head under some water and I'm waking the fuck up and I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym every day. It's just become part of my life. And if you don't want to be faith where you go to the gym every day, you can't. All right, dilemma. Here is a dilemma for you, dear Bill, dear Billion.

My girlfriend said no gifts for Christmas. She looked me dead in the eye and said, please, no gifts this year. Wow, that's great. To give you the backstory, we got engaged a month ago and are also going to London in February. She's not the type of girl to bullshit about this or test me like some psycho. She really meant it. Oh, oh, this is this is a tough one. I was thinking about making her a card or something lame slash awesome like that.

What can I do that doesn't count as a gift, but still says I needed to give you something? All your listeners are probably going to suggest giving her the dick. There you go. I think that's a great idea. This is what you do. You go out and you buy a little thread that you can tie into a bow. You wrap it, you tie it around your fucking dick. And then you put on some Christmas music.

Oh, here comes Santa Claus. Here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane. And he just you just run in like high kicking with your junk just flapping in the wind with the with the bow around it. All right, if you do that, I bet you'll never have to buy or anything else for Christmas again, because you'll probably leave you and there you go. All your problems will be solved. I don't know. Do you think she really means it?

You know, don't buy me anything for Christmas. Oh, God. Do they ever say what they mean? It's always a game. It's always a test. They're they're higher thinkers. They're a higher level being. They speak in metaphors, wrapped up in an enigma with a riddle

and something else from fucking JFK strikes back with the empire, whatever it is. What what could you get her? Why don't you just make a breakfast? We're in a Santa hat, something simple like that. You know why? You know why I don't buy this because it's never enough. Even if you go out and you get him some shit, it's not going to be in that. There's always something we something needs to be worked on.

Something needs to happen. What are we doing here? Oh, fuck. That was me sitting up. I just made that noise. You know, somebody sent me a fucking video of this drummer I never heard of, and I'm going to fucking send you his name is Charles Sumton or other. He's a jazz drummer and he is an absolute fucking monster.

And he's really fun to watch for any drummers who listen to this. I don't think drummers listen to this for anybody. Happens to be a drummer, but you fucking listen to this. Let me see if I can get the fucking name here. What is the name of this motherfucker? What is the name of this motherfucker? You guys name is Charlie Antolini. Charlie Antolini.

I actually got this. I got it this morning. Somebody sent it to me might or might not have been. I want to drop a name here, but he may or may not be the drummer from Truth and Salvage Company. He sent it to me and he was like, check this fucking guy out and he's a monster. So I'm going to have this clip up on the podcast to get you a little drummer shit going on. But I'm going to dunk my fucking giant head underneath the fucking the water right now.

This is this is it guys. I can't I'm trying to get to an hour. I got another fucking three minutes. I mean, technically I work for myself so I can take off early, right? It's the fucking holidays. I've been sticking with that Mike Johnston bass drum workout workout and by sticking with it, I mean, I've done it two days in a row. He recommends at least five days a week for three months for 15 minutes.

You do his bass drum fucking workout and then you too will have a faster bass drum foot than anyone in your neighborhood. I don't know. Unless they're doing the workout too. So I really want to stick with it. And I feel like if I don't go today, I'm going to fuck the whole thing up. I got to do it. I have to do it.

And that's what I'm going to go to as always. If you would like to support this podcast and really not do anything while you're doing your Christmas shopping this year, if you go to Amazon.com, a way to donate to this podcast that doesn't cost you a damn cent is to fade fade is to go to my website billbird.com. And you click on the merch page, not the merch page, the podcast page. We have an Amazon link. You click on that fucking thing. It takes you to Amazon.

I get credit for driving traffic to Amazon.com. You go out, you buy something. They kick me a little. Thank you. Thank you. And then it's all good. It's all good. And then, you know, I always, you know, every once in a while I take some of that money.

I throw in something like St. Jude Hospital and the next, you know, every fucking charity in the world that goes, Oh, we got a live one. We got a live one. And they say, you know, I get a bunch of fucking junk mail and I have to save the whole fucking planet. And I'm sitting there. Well, why did I do that? I just helped out some kid with cancer and then they fucking chopped down 50 trees, selling

me more shit here. So that kid's going to get cured. He's not going to have a fucking tree to hang his swing on. You know what I mean? It just, it just doesn't work. It doesn't work. You know, I had a fucked up conversation with somebody today about, you know, I was watching one of those space, you know, those fucking scientists guys, they were talking about how

there's like 30,000 earths out there in space, you know, in inhabitable places like this with water and all that shit, but, you know, they just don't have an Epcot center. So you know, it's not earth, right? And everybody always thinks, well, maybe there's a bunch of human beings running around there. And I was thinking, well, maybe there's some dinosaurs up there. Maybe the asteroid never hurt, you know, never hit. And maybe human beings, you know, crawled out of the fucking out of the trees, mud, whatever the fuck they did.

And they get eaten, you know, by the Tyrannosaurus rexes, right? And then they're up there fucking eating all the fucking trees and shit. You ever think stuff like that? Well, you know, something I do, fuck 20 more seconds, 19 more seconds, 18 more seconds. All right. Have yourself a merry little Christmas, even if you're not Christian. I hope you had a happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. And if you're Muslim, I don't know what it is you celebrate.

All right. That's it. I made an hour. There you go. Oh, Billy, food bag here. I'm done. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.

All right. See you.