Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-21-20

Episode Date: December 22, 2020

Bill rambles about people flipping out, French films, and advice for an Asian dude.

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Information and information at bmw.be As for Monday! Monday! Hi! Monday! December 21st, 2020. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, Jimmy Crackkorn.

That's not a Christmas song. I don't need to sing a Christmas song. Here we go. I'm throwing my left fist out here. Trying to think of one. A good one. Oh, I'm the king of the twinger. King of the swingers now.

The jungle VIP. All the guy's kid songs in my head. I've reached the top and had to stop. And that's what's bothering me. I want to be a man-man cub. And stroll right into town. And be just like the other men. I'm tired.

I'm like, oh, what do we do? I want to, sorry. Merry Christmas, everybody. That's what I'm trying to say. Happy Hanukkah. Post-Hanukkah to all the Jewish people listening there. Happy Kwanzaa. And what do they do in the Muslim world this time of year?

You got to have a guy. Everybody's got a guy. Everybody's got a guy. What do you guys light up and put on your front yards there? Muslim. I almost wrote Muslim Christmas. And I would have got put on a hit list. Oh, it comes up.

Fuck. Let's see what we got here. The five pillars of Islam. Okay. Find resources of teaching. Islamic holidays. Bam. Let's see what they got in December.

Key dates. April. May. July. August. August. Also August. All right.

Well, then happy post-10th. Maharam. There we go. I covered everybody, I think. Okay. There we go. All right. How are you guys doing there?

I know this podcast is a little bit late. I had some family things I had to deal with before I got into this whole thing. Let's talk football right out of the gallon. Wait, let's talk about all the shopping I have left to do. I thought I was done. And then, you know, I got a couple of nieces and nephews that are a little bit older. I didn't know what was going to be going on with them. And all of a sudden, you know, their families are sending my kids gifts.

And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, snap. Caught with my pants down here. So I got to go run out to guitar center to go buy some shit. Giving the gift of music. Fortunately, my nieces and nephews, there's a lot of people that play, you know, a couple guitar players, some drummers, piano players and all of that type of stuff. That's really cool.

I mean, I guess with the younger kids, I should probably get them a laptop, right? Get them a fucking laptop with some, you know, owl head or something. You put that on. You know, we be be deep. Deeper deep. Oh, shit. Right, right. The Molly kicks it.

That really is the perfect music. I feel like for this generation, if you see what's going on in the world, I mean, that's a good soundtrack and everybody sounds like when they're talking. You know, I feel like we're reaching the end of days. Oh, come on, Bill. It's the holidays. All right. All right.

Well, it's fucking 80 degrees out here. That's even hot for out here. Are we going to have to change the story of Santa as global warming gets crazier and crazier? What's it going to be? What does Rudolph become? No more reindeer, right? They've probably got to switch to, uh, fuck the rate. We're going to be some sort of reptile.

I can't have a reptile. They're not cute. They're just not cute. Oh, speaking of which, speaking of which, speaking of Jewish people. Let me make sure I got this right. Jerusalem. Bug. Jerusalem cricket.

I had one of these in my fucking garage. Holy shit. You got to see this thing. What's weird is it has nothing to do with the Middle East, Israel or anything, but it's called the Jerusalem cricket. This fucking thing died in my garage. I came in and it looked like an aunt in a hornet had a kid. And that kid did PEDs, you know, and made it to the show and then got busted.

It's whole life fucking unraveled and then it just died in my garage. I think that was the 30 for 30 on this, this bug. I was afraid to touch it because I couldn't tell if it was alive or not. And it had a pretty, uh, I don't know. Had those stripes on the back like it could sting you and it had some fangs and shit. But I'm not going to lie to you, man. That thing is, the thing is a meal. Like if I was a political prisoner or something and they were starving me of protein in a

Jerusalem cricket came in, I think I'd be less afraid. It's got to be hard, man. You know, when you're eating bugs, you can't totally smash the thing because then you got to lick it off the wall. Then I kind of feel like it's like a beating a bug is like eating an artichoke. You know, it's not all edible. You got to kind of get this stuff. I'm sorry.

What am I doing with this? That's what I feel like it is. Right. Um, anyway, plowing ahead here. Uh, you know, I finally listened to a little bit of that Tom Cruise rant and I just, I don't understand the shit that the guy's getting for it. Okay. It's like, you know what the deal is?

You're on a movie set, be a fucking professional. And you could tell by the way he was yelling, that was probably the 9,000th fucking time he had to tell some dumb cunt to stop being a dumb cunt. All right. You know, on any movie, if you shut it down for a day or two, like the movie is immediately in trouble. Forget about when you're doing a movie at his level where the fucking budget is like, you know, nine figures and your dumb ass wants to go play fucking grab ass with somebody

else. Yeah. Tom Cruise is going to snap. It's called being a professional and these fucking pussies that are quitting the movie. I was just joking with my friends going like, how do we went from Bobby Knight to this? Now Bobby, Bobby would get a little sideways. I'm not saying I approved of everything that the guy did, but you know, this whole fucking thing, he yelled at me.

It was upsetting. It's just like you're on a movie set. People are going to get yelled at. Somebody's going to fucking snap. It's not normal to be working 16 hour fucking days every single day, five, six days a week for months on end. People are going to snap. Okay.

Since I've been in this business, I've, that's all you hear about is people fucking snap. I've had people snap on me, get right in my grill, fucking screaming a bunch of shit at me. And then the next day they come. Yeah. Sorry about that. It's like, dude, I get it. I get it.

We all want to be here. We all want to do this, but this on certain days, it sucks. And you start losing your fucking mind. Um, totally normal behavior, but, uh, but as always, they go after the quarterback like they're doing with the Los Angeles Rams right now. For some reason, they're blaming that whole loss on Jared golf. At least they were on, uh, uh, good morning football. I was watching that this morning.

I like that show. Um, and God damn, they would destroy it. First of all, they didn't need, they barely gave the jets props for winning the game. By the way, as a Pats fan, congratulations, Jets fans, J E T, J E T S jets jets jets. I'm too stupid to spell it. Um, yeah, I don't want to see anybody go, Oh, and 16. I was rooting for the Browns that year for the Lions that year to get a win. Nobody wants to see that.

If you want to see that, you're a fucking asshole. You know what you are? You know what you are? You're the 72 dolphins. That's who the fuck you are every year rooting for teams to fail. I think that's why the dolphins have never won again. Cause of those smug cunts every year, toasting a glad, yeah, nobody did. No one ever should ever do it again.

But us, you know what? That's like, that's like a dad rooting against his son. Cause he's not secure enough to fucking handle. I don't understand that at all. And every year they have to go to those fucking guys. You know, maybe it's not their fault. Maybe it's the, because the media is talking about it or whatever. But like, I, I love that team.

I love all of those guys. Zonka kick, Bob greasy, Paul Warfield, Mercury Morris, Don Shula, rest his soul. Who was on defense on that one? Oh, Nick Bonacani, rest his soul. I like all of those fucking guys. Cause Jake Scott on that team. I like all of those guys. All right.

But like this, this whole fucking thing where, you know, like the way, is that, is that the history of the dolphins? So they're never going to win again. And all they're going to do is celebrate that nobody, even though somebody wins a Super Bowl every fucking year, because they have one or two losses. The 72 dolphins are still the greatest team of all time. Like that's what you're going to hand your hat on. You've been doing it for almost 50 fucking years.

I would have to think as a giant, as a dolphin fan, you'd like to move beyond that. You know, I mean, dolphin fans, they're like Nick fans. Nick's won it in 70 and 73. They've never shut up about those fucking teams because they got nothing else. And I'm not being a dick here. I have two of my best friends in the world are fucking the most hardcore Nick fans ever. And every year I would come to draft. I'm rooting that they're going to pick the right guy.

I was hoping Durant was going to go to the Knicks. I'm not being a dick here. And by the way, Jesus Christ, he went to the Brooklyn Nets and I caught a little bit of the game. They were putting a fucking ass kicking on my Celtics. They were up by like almost 30 points at the half or something. 25, 30 points. I immediately missed Tommy Heinzen. Rest his soul, man.

Really, really going to miss that guy in the broadcast booth. Just listen to him getting on the refs and everything sucks. But it is, it is what life is. People die. You got to move on. This isn't even for you guys. This is for me. All right.

What else? Can you believe basketball is already back? Oh, that's right. It's not a man's game anymore. I'm sorry. I think I already did that joke on this podcast. It's one of my favorite things. He's going to dunk.

Everybody clear out so you don't end up on Instagram. You used to have to be a man to dunk in this fucking league. Going into the trees is what they used to say. So anyway, congratulations to the New York Jets. I was actually watching a great game. Kansas City Chiefs versus the New Orleans Saints. And for some reason the game started later, like 1.30 out here. So me and my buddy clicked over and we started watching the Rams and Jets.

You know, we were kind of watching on the ticker and I was like, come on, man. I want to see the Jets win one. I don't want to see him go winless. So when we clicked over, like we never went back to the other game. We just sat there watching it. The great Frank Gore making some veteran plays was a big win. And then for some reason they all came down on good morning football today. I didn't get it.

I get, you know, trashing the Rams for losing and they needed it, you know, to stay in the playoff picture or whatever. But like, you know, to put it all in the quarterback, I mean, I don't get that. You win and lose as a fucking team. And then they get none. I'm like, he's making all this fucking money. And I looked the guy up. Like 11th in the league.

Almost top 10. Going to throw for 4,000 fucking yards. You know, he's got 20 touchdowns, 12 interceptions. All right. You'd like to see maybe a bigger spread there. But I mean, who's he throwing to? He seems to be doing. If I had to look at those stats and then at their record,

maybe they could score some more points in the red zone. I have no idea, but I wouldn't put the whole fucking thing on him. And I would also give the Jets to goddamn do. They won a game. Good for them. I also watched a little bit of the Packers this week. And my apologies to Aaron Rodgers. I'm sitting there talking about Russell Wilson.

I think, you know, I think he's the best guy in the league. I just wasn't paying attention to the Packers for whatever reason. First of all, there's like fucking 50 teams now, 20 divisions. And I got two kids under the age of four. So I'm a little off here. I mean, I was always off, but I had no excuse before. I was just dumb. Aaron Rodgers, before the game last yesterday or whatever,

whenever they played, I can't remember if it was Thursday or Saturday. Saturday played guy. He's got 40 touchdowns in four interceptions. That's a nice spread. And this year I am not rooting against anybody. Because my team is officially out of it. And I'm just going to enjoy all of this fucking buffalo bills. Kick and ass again.

Again, I think they're peaking at just are they peaking a little bit so early? You got to ask yourself that. They put up 40 something on somebody. I don't know who the hell it was, but my Patriots kind of had our typical day. You know, we do got Chikori Myers. That's a bright spot for next year. But I think Belichick did a great job this year with what we've had. We had some brutal injuries.

We had a bunch of guys, you know, opt out because of COVID. So I don't think we are nearly as bad as the rest of the league thinks, which I like, but we definitely need a big draft or some sort of a trade here if we're going to keep up with the bills because it's looking like they're division for the foreseeable future the way they're playing, which is great because those goddamn bill fans, they haven't won anything since like 63 or 64. Didn't the bills win an AFL title?

I used to know that. As I look this up, I watched a great game. I started to watch Ohio State versus Northwestern, but it was like watching fifth graders play first graders. I hate those college matchups. I always look at the offensive and defensive line to decide if I'm going to watch a game. And like they were like four inches taller and had 40 pounds on every guy in the line. And it's like, all right.

So this game right around the third quarter, they're going to start imposing their will and the game's going to be over. But Ohio State makes the playoffs, which would have bugged me back in the day, meaning last year, up until last year, especially with all the wine and ass Buckeye fans every year. We should be in it every year, even if we don't win the big 10 championships. Every fucking year.

The biggest crybabies fans in fucking football. And you guys earned that, by the way. I now realize it's a business. The fact that they only played six games, they played six fucking games and got in the playoffs. And I'm sitting there going, how in the fuck can you justify that when they're going up against teams that play 10, 11, 12 fucking games? Like the advantage that they have is ridiculous.

You played six games, so you're up and running, you're going, and then you don't have the wear and tear, five less games, wear and tear. So I think they got a great chance at winning the whole thing. We shall see. Is there anything more uncomfortable than watching Alabama make a bad play? Holy shit. Nick Saban, my God, yelling at that defensive coordinator. I mean, I love seeing it.

I love an old school coach that is not afraid to dress down somebody in front of everybody. Jesus Christ. Fucking. That's why they're so great. I mean, he literally wants to win by 50 and not give up a point. And he would just sit there and look at you and be like, yeah, what the fuck are we doing out here? This is what we're doing.

So I believe the college playoff is, what is it? It's Alabama, Clemson, Ohio State, and I forget who the last one is. But I get it now, it's a business. You got to have something. Evidently, they have to have somebody from the Big 10. No matter what, even if they played half a fucking season, they're still going to stick them in there because they got to get all those fat Midwestern people to turn into the game. Because for some weird reason, you hate everybody in your conference and then in bowl games,

so you root for your conference because you want to have the strongest conference. I think that's like a leftover from before they had like a playoff. It was so much of it was strength of schedule or whatever. So you got to have that. And then you got to get all, you got to get them all, all them people down south. You got to get all them fucking watching. Right? And then they don't give a shit about the coast because it's, you know,

we have proteins and shit and, you know, we live near oceans and we think that we're better than every other state. We should just fly over them because there's nothing to do there. That's what we think. Generally speaking, I don't speak for everybody. You got Clemson, you got Alabama, right? And you got the fat fucks up in Ohio. So everybody all the way out to Iowa is going to watch that shit. And then who's the last guy?

Who is the last guy? College playoff playoff. Who's in it? Who's in? Who's in? Let's see. They got Alabama, Crimson Tide 11 and 0 played five more fucking over Notre Dame, Notre Dame. Oh man.

I used to love Notre Dame. I love Notre Dame until Lou Holts. And I just didn't buy it because they were a big time college football program and just their whole bullshit that they weren't doing anything wrong. Then Lou Holts would always be like, yeah, go out there and say your prayers. You just try to do what you say and just talk to Jesus. I couldn't. I found the guy. I can't deal with this guy.

So speaking of the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets, you got to be watching the Clemson Tigers in this playoff and be rooting for your boy there at quarterback whose name just escaped me. Because it's looking like he's going to be a jet, which, you know, there you go. Onward and upward. See what happens. All right. What happened to this podcast at all? Just fucking slowed down right there. My brain just went blank here.

Oh, Mountain West Championship. I ended up watching that San Jose State versus Boise State. I got to see this kid. Avery Williams returned yet another punt or kickoff for a touchdown. Remember that name? Avery Williams. Somebody is going to pick him. He's Mountain West, so they'll probably pick him up in the second, late second, early third round.

And he just set a record, I guess, most in a season or in a college career. Kickoff punt, punts for touchdowns. It was a great game. Congratulations to San Jose State. I really enjoyed that. I like Mountain West. I like that shit, you know. You actually watch teams that both like the same size playing each other.

It's like a better game. Instead of watching fucking Alabama Crimson Tide, you know, fucking kids show up. They all look like they were in their thirties. Coming to games, carrying briefcases and shit. All right, that's it. What else? What else? Who's playing tonight?

Who's playing? Who's playing tonight? Oh, fuck that. Let me tell you guys, I got a funny story for you. I fucking pull up to a light and there's a homeless guy, allegedly homeless dude, right? He's got gold earrings and a Christmas sweater on. I can't remember if he had a Santa hat or not, but he was turning his back as I was pulling up, clearly counting bills. And he sticks them into his black slacks and then turns around to me and he goes, he does like to have a heart thing.

And I just look at this guy and I'm usually nice to homeless people. I looked him right in the eye and just shook my head. No. And then he hung his head like a toddler. And I so bad wanted to roll my window down, but I'm worried about hepatitis. I wanted to roll my window down and be like, are you begging in a Christmas outfit? Do you have like a walk-in closet somewhere where you keep your gold earrings and your holiday appropriate begging wear? I've never seen a homeless person dressed for the holidays.

And just the way he was turned around, counting his money like a fucking bookie, I was like, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. I should have asked him for a light because I was going over to go smoke a fucking cigar. I don't usually, I don't turn away homeless people. I usually do not have like a certain amount that I'll give them because I want to make sure they're eating, but I also don't want to give them enough money if they're an addict to go fucking OD. You know, I play that game. But if you're going to show up with gold earrings and a fucking, you know, one of those fucking hipster sweaters on

and you put your hand on your heart and when I say no, you hang your head like my toddler. It's just like, dude, you need to go home and work on your act. You're clearly living inside somewhere. This is just bullshit. This is your fucking hustle. Oh, Bill, you're a mean one, Mr. Burr. You've got ice behind your freckles. You're a fucking orange cunt.

You should have given him a bump of cocaine. All right. Sorry about that. By the way, thank you to everybody who's been writing in giving me all these suggestions for French films. This person writes in said, I just saw a great French film called Only the Animals. I don't know how to say it. Think Fargo set in rural France. Yeah, I'm all over it.

Let's see. Okay. The 10 French film listed below can be found on the criterion channel. Nice. Film your next special in France on 35 millimeter executing all of your material in French. It would be epic and throw your American fans for a loop. Hope your family and you have a Merry Christmas. All right.

Below are the films. 13 days in France. As long as you've got your health. The red circle. Is that what that is? Is that too easy? Diabolique. The red balloon.

A slightly pregnant man. Vive Latour. Yo-yo. All right. Badass French movie. You need to check out if you haven't already is La Haine. A shot in black and white. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen that one. I've seen that one. I saw the beginning of it when I was on the road. I got to watch that. That looks like train spotting.

There's a scene that references a famous taxi driver scene. Okay. Another one's are Mezren. M-E-S-R-I-N-E. Killing Zoo. I've seen that. The Circle Rouge. The Sicilian Clan.

Okay. That's the second time with its L-E. Then C-E-R-C-L-E Rouge. R-O-U-G-E. Of course, there is the original Diabolique. Okay. Those are the first two I'm watching. Yes.

Dude, I'm getting this shit down. I'm listening to the Plymza app every day. You know? I'm starting to get some phrases down. Let's see. I'm going to have breakfast with my daughter at my house. My place would be... J'vais petit-déjeuner avec ma fille Chémoire.

Right? Didn't that sound impeccable French? Look out, Eddie Izzard. Kidding. All right. Let's do some reads here. Eddie. Izzard.

All right. Butcher box. My favorite. My favorite line from Eddie Izzard was... Yeah. Do you have a flag? That was my favorite one. Talking about how England took over the world just with like a flag.

They would just show up and there was already people there. Do you have a flag? All right. Butcher box, everybody. Butcher box. Talk about what you're looking most forward to in 2021. Getting the vaccine and watching other people not get it still gets sick. Denied that this disease, this virus exists.

That's what I'm looking forward to. People telling me that I'm a globalist. Whoever the fuck is fighting globalism, you're a little late. You're a little... The damn has burst. It bursted before you were even born. It was a fucking wrap. All right.

What are some of the New Year's resolutions you're making? I got to get my instrument rating on my helicopter. I got to do that. I definitely... With my helicopter license, I should say, no, my helicopter license. I got to get that rating. I mean, I don't know. I just...

The usual stuff. Working on my temper, trying to be a better dad and a husband. I think that's it, right? Make sure I make my wife laugh every day. I used to do that all the time, effortlessly. But now that we got kids, we're tired and everything, I kind of slipped, you know, overly clown face. I got to make a comeback here.

Jacob, the clown here. All right. Is that enough? Am I giving enough of my personal fucking self here so I can talk about the meat yet you're murdered? Meat is murder. It's also delicious. All right, this year, I'm going to eat better

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are built with Zendesk. Zendesk.com.com. Zulu, Echo, November. All right, there we go. Okay, all right. We got through the advertising, everybody. Hey, you know what's great? Nobody's fucking bitching about that.

Baby, it's cold outside song. I actually heard it in a store the other day. Remember that? When white women were so bored, they were like, let's decide what Christmas music people can listen to. Here's one for all you feminists out there. Why don't you guys check out Santa Baby? Oh, my God.

I was listening to that song. I'm like, this song right here is why I waited until 45 to get married. Santa Baby. I'll fucking suck your dick if you buy me a duplex. If you don't, I'll go and fuck your friend's honey and trim my fucking tree tonight. Sorry.

The Hitler mustache explained. Okay, here we go. Santa Baby. A fucking diamond ring for me, Scooby. I can't believe Madonna covered that song. Oh, God. That's one of the... I didn't want to get into it.

Jesus Christ. How about going against type and just saying, have yourself a merry little Christmas? It's like, do you just got to whore up everything? It's just the same thing every time. That'd be like if I came on this podcast and all I did was scream cunt every week. Oh, wait a minute.

All right, the Hitler mustache explained. Hitler's mustache was very fashionable among World War I soldiers, of which he was one, because it did not interfere with the gas mask. I'm calling bullshit on that. A regular-sized mustache would not interfere with the gas mask. It's the seam that goes around your face.

And I'm not a firefighter, but I played one in a movie, and that's why you're allowed to have a fucking mustache. And I'd like to say I had a nice big fucking red one in that movie, and there was no problem with keeping the seal. So that's bullshit. Nice attempt at explaining it. Do you know how small the gas mask would have to fuck?

Well, let me look that up and see. World War I gas mask. World War I gas mask. Oh, wait a minute. That's classic me. I'm comparing it to a... Dude, give me a fucking break. My God, they have one for their donkey, too.

The donkey's whole face is a fucking mustache, and for some reason, that thing's still alive. Yeah, I'm calling bullshit. You could have a fucking Tom Selleck mustache. Look at Hitler's... Look at Hitler's mustache in World War I. He looks like he's in a barbershop quartet. Oh, I love it.

For once, I said bullshit, and I was right. All right, here we go. Let's read more about Hitler. Why did Hitler make his mustache like that? Let's see what we got. Did he copy from Charlie Chaplin? Hitler's mustache was a variation of an early 20s style called the toothbrush mustache.

Before the mustache became popular in Germany at the turn of the 20th century, the predominant German mustache style was the Kaiser mustache. That's what Hitler had in World War I, it looks like, or Kaiser Bar... Kaiser Barth, named after the German Emperor Kaiser Wilhelm. All right, so it was a toothbrush mustache that was in style. Okay, well, I still don't have the answer,

but I'm not believing that. I don't think it would interfere. But I guess if he had that big Kaiser one, but you could have had a more of a regular one. I don't know, I still think that's bullshit. All right, here we go, next one. Fuck baby Yoda. You're the cutest thing in the Mandalorian.

You know what? I'm glad you didn't make me say that. Come on, dude, there's nothing more adorable than the baby Yoda. Come on. Oh, we got some more shit here, some more French stuff here. We got some more French stuff here. I'm totally committed to learning this shit.

I'm not stopping this time. It might take me 10 years to get fucking fluent, but I am not stopping. Because it's all of a sudden, I'm finding all these great movies and all these actors in these movies and directors, and it's just like, yeah, it's really stupid to just sort of stay in your own culture.

At this point, when you have the internet, you can kind of, you know, you can become your own globalist. All right, sir demand. Petit mot en français. What does that mean? On demand, little word in French? What is mot?

I always forget that word. I got the mot, M-O-T, French. The word mot comes from the French word for word. Okay, look at that. Look at that. I just translated half a sentence. Salut, Bill Bouton. Hello, Bill Bouton.

I don't know what that means. C'est Stéphane. J-43. I'm going to translate this. Hello, Bill Burr. Bill Button? Bouton. I don't know what Bouton means.

It's Stéphane. I'm 43 years old. I'm writing you from Paris. Anecdote. Les Amants du Pont Neuf. Something nine. It's a good film, French film, that passes on the Pont Neuf appareal.

I think it's about that. When the Australians are... All right, Lovers on Ninth Bridge is what it's called. But it isn't the something. It's the celebration of Pont Neuf, the new bridge. Oh, is that the... Is this about the Love Bridge? Where everybody put the Love Lock Bridge

and they put all the locks on it? Oh, no, 1607. I like a lot. I like your podcast a lot. Kisses and... All right. Look at that, man. I'm starting to figure this shit out.

All right. I'm going to give myself a pat on the back. You know what's funny? When I was young, when I was a little kid, I told you this before. My parents were friends with this guy, Jacques, who was from France. He eventually moved back and we lost touch with him,

although I know they wrote him every Christmas for years. And when I was little, my parents called me Billy. And when he heard that, to him, it sounded like belly. So he used to call me Billy Button. And then that became like a nickname when I was a kid from this French guy. So it's kind of funny that now I'm going all the way back to that. Yeah, I swear to God.

You just fucking stick with it for three weeks and then all of a sudden you make an improvement and then you get psyched about that and then you just keep going, you know? And I feel like most people don't know that, considering they made like 30% of people after three days of wearing masks had an absolute temper tantrum.

Like the amount of people out there acting like fucking toddlers. I can't do when you wear it. All right, Operation Cinder triggered my PTSD. What? Hey, Billy Stormtrooper, reject Burr. I just saw episode 15 of The Mandalorian and I got to say for a few seconds, you had me believing you served with me.

It's called acting, brother. It's called being completely full of shit. Served with me in Afghanistan. So kudos on your acting. Well, I've always been a great bullshitter. So I appreciate that. Thank you. I really enjoyed your character, Mayfell, and I can relate to the pain, anger,

and sleeplessness of the combat veteran. I was a sergeant in Operation Enduring Freedom from 2008 to 2009 with the 349th Combat Support Hospital attached to the 101st Airborne Division. Jesus, I even remember that. It's long enough. Forget about knowing what to do in combat. I was in a medical unit, so although I wasn't in the field of getting holes into the enemy,

I was bagging and tagging soldiers, marines, old people, and children. Oh, God. As you can imagine, it left a lasting impression on me. Like Mayfell, I looked back and wondered what the fuck was it all for. It's infuriating to know that so many lies were lost and for what? Minerals, precious gems, and natural gas. I felt Mayfell's boiling rage as the officer,

Imperial Officer Valin Hess, explained how the illude brown ass, I loved how he said that, explained how the illusion of fighting for freedom was a gateway into instilling order, that all those dead stormtroopers were necessary. That whole scene brought up old memories of war, and I realized that it was an emulation of Afghanistan.

He did a great job, Bill, and paid great homage to us vets who live with the anger and sleepless nights. I'm glad I didn't know all of this before I did that scene. I would have fucked it up. Lastly, go check out my book, One Angry Veteran on Amazon. Ah, he brings it around to hype his book. You got to love that. That's the hustle.

I love it. I can never get mad at a hustle. You'll get a better idea of why some of us vets are the way we are. I'd love to get your feedback on it. All right, I'll check that out. Anyways, this is the second email I wrote your ass, so be sure to read it on the podcast. Let me know when you do, and go fuck yourself.

All right, well, I hope you listen to that. Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you. I got a couple of emails from people that served saying how they really liked that scene. And by the way, the name of the actor who played Alan Hess was Richard Collin Break. Brown has. I loved how he said that.

We had so much goddamn fun doing that scene. And just in general, just in general, on that whole episode, we just had a great time. And people are giving me a lot of credit for coming up with lines and through. I threw in a few things, but whatever the fucking that TPS thing was, I thought that that was a Star Wars reference.

I didn't know that that was a office space. And I've seen office space and I've seen Star Wars. So, you know, they have an incredible writing staff over there. They don't need me to throw things in. I think John and everybody over there knows what they're doing, which by the way, I was so psyched. I saw John Favreau was trending on Twitter after the final episode and, you know,

he made a lot of people really happy with what he did with the whole Star Wars universe. I guess they call it so that's pretty cool. Very happy for him. All right, a story from Yemen. Hey, Billy Mars balls. I don't know what that means. Oh, it's the red planet.

I get it. Fucking asshole. All right. You guys are such dicks. My name is Mo. What? It's pronounced the Dutch number eight without the T at the end. I don't know what that is.

Shamac. I'm a 23 year old fat fuck. Well, come on over here, man. You'll probably be considered in shape. 184 centimeters, 127 ish kilograms. Because I don't even want any of that meat. Because I used to use imaginary numbers because I don't use imaginary numbers. Are we saying what he actually is?

All right, let's let's we got to look this up now for the Americans here. 184 cm in feet. All right, he's six feet tall. All right, so you got that going for you. You're tall drink of water there. Nice. All right. I'm 127 ish.

127 kilograms. Is that right? Is that it? I hope that's the right metric thing. I don't know anything about metrics other than water boils at 100 Celsius and freezes at zero. Which right there, you know that that's the better thing to use where we're like 212 and 32 degrees. He could be so much easier for a metric, but we don't into pounds. But in the English use stones.

All right, so he's six feet tall, 279 pounds. All right, you're a little beefy. I don't know how big bones you are. How big your head is. It usually says what kind of weight you can have, I think. All right. I don't use imaginary numbers. And from Yemen.

As you may have heard, there is a civil war due to poor education, small minded motherfucking pieces of shit going on. But it's also only in certain areas. Don't get me wrong. My country is fucking beautiful. We have the oldest skyscrapers in my hometown. We live life normally in the cities. I'm an IT student in my, oh, this is one of these from the Middle East. It literally said a story from Yemen.

And I was so thinking about shooting that scene in Star Wars. All right. Sorry about that. I'm an IT student in my third year trying working. Oh, I know it fucked me up because he said like the, oh, the Deutsch number, the German number. So you had me thinking Europe here doesn't take much to throw me off people. All right. My third and final attempt at reading this paragraph.

I'm an IT student in my third year trying working my way through life. I smoke weed every day because Snoop said that I should. I listen only to English music because I hate Arabic music. I have a very big interest in the cosmos and listen to StarTalk radio. Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson's podcast. I only use the WhatsApp because I'm not a social media junkie. I speak perfect English. I know how to use your and your.

A lot of us don't. And love listening to your podcast and many others. I actually met a couple of guys and became very close friends instantly. They were watching Paper Tiger. This is crazy. You're watching that shit all the way over there. We talked about how you Dave Chappelle, Trevor Noah, Gabriel Iglesias, Andrew Schultz and many others. And we came to the agreement that Chappelle is the goat of comedy.

I would not argue that. That goes without saying, but you are number two. I am a piece of shit in all of our favorite comedians list. I don't know how you feel about anime. Oh, I watched the. I was watching that one show. The fucking. I forgot it.

I started watching it. Guy fucking punches people. He doesn't want to be a superhero. Japanese anime. I am a. Super hero. Reluctant. Alopecia.

Yeah, that's him right there. What's his name? Is it a bird? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a fucking YouTube video? I just need the fucking answer. What's his name?

The 10 best. No, I want to know who this fucking guy's name is. You cunt. Nine. How do I get into anime? This is not what I'm asking. Anime superhero. Alopecia.

I should put name. Name. Come on. Give me the answer. The best bald animated kid. Why won't they just give me the fucking answer? Because they don't want you to click on it. Fucking cunts.

This is the new internet thing. It used to, the answer used to fucking come up. What is the name of this fucking guy? Seven, six, five. You know it's going to be number one, four, three. And here's the advertising. Clicked off that. One punch man.

One punch man is my shit. All right. He watches anime. I don't know how you feel about Japanese anime, but I want to recommend a show for you. It's called One Punch Man. I'm such an idiot. I'm such an idiot.

I'm such a fucking idiot. Season one is 12 episodes only and very entertaining. Yeah, I loved it. I love you and I love your work and hope to see you live. I wish you can come here, but I don't recommend it at all. With that being said, I hope you have a fantastic year in 2021. I feel I hope the same for you because I was raised right. I'm going to end by saying go fornicate yourself.

Nice. He's not going to curse. PS, I hope you're okay with us torrenting your stuff because my country is a third world country and we don't have digital currency. We can't pay for it. Even if we wanted to, I tried to make it up by watching. I don't give a fuck to do whatever you want.

I don't care. I'm just, that's amazing that you guys are watching it and that you know all of those other comics to you. I got great taste in comedy. You know, be amazing. One of you guys started a standup scene over there. Opened a funny bone, right? Then I could do a weekend.

All right. Advice. See, it was all about me. Advice, Asian men and broads. All right. This is interesting. I never heard this. I don't think I've ever had.

I'm already anticipating. I've not had this question before. Bill, as an Asian man, oh my God, I was at a four-way stop the other day and I fucked up and pulled out in front of this guy and this Asian dude's looking at me like, what the fuck is your problem? And I wanted to be like,

huh, you see stereotypes aren't true, are they? I was the idiot. All right. As an Asian man, I feel like the system is rigged against me for romance. I'm a senior in college right now. Pretty fit. Awesome grades.

No shit. Somewhat a gym, bro. And I've had experiences before on one in, on first and second base, but can't seem to hit a home run with the ladies. These broads in college just don't think Asian men are attractive. Whether it's the small dick jokes being, I mean, that didn't help you guys.

Being the most non-attractive male race just ain't going to cut it even if you have confidence in just approach. Dude, cancel all of that shit. Cancel as a bald red-headed male, dude. What you need is a vibe. I'm going to send you a fucking video, man. I'm going to send you a fucking video.

I'm going to have the great John Travolta is Vinnie Barberino. Set you fucking straight. This is one of my favorite fucking clips. It's hilarious and it's, in a way, it's absolutely true. Go on Instagram. I'm going to post it.

This is, he's teaching Arnold Horschach. He's teaching Arnold Horschach about how to be, how to get with the ladies. Dude, all you need is a vibe. Okay, you just need a fucking vibe. He said, I'm about to commission into the Army soon as an officer and I'm worried it'll be harder to find romance.

What are your thoughts? And fuck you. This is my thoughts. Hit the gym. Fucking get your confidence up. I'm feeling like, you like the comic who's walking on stage already feeling like they're going to bomb and then they bomb.

I feel like you're on your heels. All right? Who gives a shit? Just be fucking, you know, do it. Who gives a fuck? Just get up there and swing for the fences. You're going to connect at some point and you're going to get laid

and then you're going to get the monkey off your back. You're going to be relaxed and it's going to be raining. All right? That's how you got to think about it. All right? You're going to do, you're going to do fine.

All right? I mean, if I did all right out there, you're going to do fine. You're going to do great. Okay? Just fucking, I cannot stress that enough. You got to just have confidence

and you got to have a sense of humor. Dude, hitting on chicks and getting shut down. Okay? Getting the Heisman is fucking hilarious. And once you find the whole, the humor in it, dude, bombing is a comic. Something that's humiliating is it's fucking funny.

It's fucking, it's making mistakes. Fucking up is hilarious. All right? And if you can laugh at yourself and not give a fuck, people want to be around you. Because everybody wants to,

because everybody like, that's what people are going for in life is when something bad happens to not let it depress them so they can enjoy life rather than walking around, you know, moping around,

listening to fucking emo music and getting into the fact, you know, that, you know, things haven't worked out to you at that point in life. Fuck all of that, dude. Fuck all of that. Okay?

I mean, Jesus Christ. You're in the prime of your goddamn life. All right? You're a little bit of a late bloomer. I was too. It all works out. Okay? You hear me?

It's going to work out. And I'm posting that Vinnie Barberino clip just for you. All right? All right. So I'm in the video here. I'm pretty sure you've heard about Dairy Manager.

So my point is, is go out there and start hitting on fucking chicks and stop talking and thinking about yesterday's game, go out and you went tonight. Um, dumb question for employees, Dairy Manager.

Hey, old Billy Wonka at the at the Ginger Factory. Oh, shit. I got some remarkably stupid questions for you. I was the Dairy Manager. Milk, eggs, yogurt, orange juice, etc.

I don't think orange juice is dairy. I don't think that's dairy, sir. But you know what? I'm a dumb fuck. Orange juice. Is it dairy? Oh my god, it came up. In almost every grocery store,

orange juice is in the dairy section. Oh, that's what he's saying. Calling it the dairy. It's just shorthanded because the largest group of things there is milk, butter, cheese, yogurt are all dairy. That's why it's okay. That's why it's usually sold under dairy.

Okay, I'm sorry. I get it. At a grocery store for years and the amount of just asinine questions I would get still makes me question humanity to this day. Oh, so you saw this year coming. All right.

Here we go. Top five dumbass questions. People ask an employee at a grocery store in the dairy section, which includes orange juice. Number one, aren't you cold back here? Aren't you cold back there? I'm in a giant fucking refrigerator

wearing a heavy jacket and a beanie even in the middle of summer. You could say it's a bit nippy. Number two, can my daughter pet the cows? One of my favorites. This woman thought that we had a pasture out behind the store.

The store was in the middle of the city by the way. And she thought that we milked and bottled it all right there. I'm not a farmer, ma'am. I thought my name tag and retail job gave that away. All right.

Number three, I'm not losing any weight even though I eat this yogurt every day. Why is that? First of all, I don't know and I don't give a shit. I'm not your personal trainer. Second, if the guy bothered to read

the ingredients, he would have seen how much sugar is in yogurt. I'm not saying it's not healthy. Healthier than a donut, but they could be up to 25 grams of sugar in one little cup. Wow. I don't like sugar in yogurt.

I like that Greek yogurt. It's got that little, that tang to it. Number four, do you grow the oranges here on site? Well, a lot of people feel like when they go to the grocery store there's a farm out back, huh?

Do you see an orange grove in the parking lot? No? Then sorry, pal, you just have to assume that your minute-made extra calcium low-pulp mange infused orange juice was probably bottled in a factory somewhere.

Number five, how do you make blah, blah, blah? I'm not sure, ma'am. If the recipe calls for a heavy whipping cream, I can grab one for you, but that's the extent of my knowledge. That's smart phone in your hand.

Bonus. You won't tell anyone, will you? This one was by far the worst. Let me start by pointing out that I had a small desk in the warehouse slash liquor store room. There was no camera in the room, so

oftentimes I would come back and find one of the baggers trying to sneak in an extra break, texting, things like that. It never bugged me, though. I did the same thing at their age. But one night, I was working late and came back to find one of our floor managers who was 32,

33 at the time and covered in Disney-themed tattoos, making out with a topless 16-year-old bagger girl on top of my fucking desk. Whoa, this dude went in.

Now, if everybody freaking out here, this might be one of those states where 16 is legal. I'm not looking that up. I draw the line at Orange Juice being dairy. He immediately let go of her and started apologizing to me, begging

me not to say anything. I like to think that I'm a cool guy, but I'm not cool that I'm going to let this dude make out with a half-naked teenager on my desk. She was a sweet girl from a troubled family, so this creep knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, okay, okay.

Needless to say, I came back the next time I saw my boss, but he told me that the floor manager in question put his two weeks in that morning. And then you just let it go. Yeah. Let's say the milk went bad on that one. All right, sorry. Bob Lazar's

Science Shop. Okay. Wow, that was a hell of a story there. Bob Lazar's Science Shop. Hi, Bill. I work at a scientific supply store. United Nuclear, which specialized

in pyrotechnic chemicals, high-power magnets, radioactive materials, and MOA. The owner is Bob Lazar, who is known for his scientific endeavors as well as his experience at Area 51 in Reverse Engineering, the propulsion engine

of a UFO for the U.S. Governor. What? The owner is Bob Lazar, who is known for his scientific endeavor as well as his experience at Area 51 in Reverse Engineering, the propulsion engine of a UFO for the U.S. Government. You may have seen his appearance on Joe

Rogan as well as his biographical documentary on Netflix. As you may have guessed, the nature of Bob's business and background tends to generate a lot of interest from some very eclectic people. I've saved some of the funniest and craziest emails over my seven

years working for him. Here are my top five favorite questions from customers. Alright, this should be crazy. I placed an order for $47 million, and I did not see how much uranium I could buy. Could you cancel my order?

Do you actually think that heat comes from the sun? Then why doesn't the ISS rotate so that those inside don't get roasted? What? I thought that was still part of the first one. Do you think that heat comes from the

sun? Then why doesn't the ISS rotate so that those inside don't get roasted? I don't know what the ISS is. ISS. What do I type in? Science?

Sun. What? Images for ISS sun. Space station sails across the sun. NASA reveals stunning photos of ISS. Oh, was this just an unmanned thing? Was the ISS like

a satellite that they sent, an unmanned satellite out there? I don't know. I think I'm too dumb for this. I don't want to buy pure red mercury for medical use. To inject the stem cell for sick people. How much is it per gram? Is your product

passed the dog smell test from the airport? Oh, does your product pass? I found out that almost 4,000 members of my family were killed in the Holocaust in Germany. I'm contacting you today as I would like to document anti-semitism.

Do you sell an EMP gun that can destroy the implant inside my heart? Are these just all random questions? How could one person have 4,000 members of their family? They did a lot of fucking. I'm

wondering how you test a body like mine for radiation or nuclear waste. I'm a stolen, possessed soul and I need to know how to prove it. Do you know of any sensitive listening devices that can hear screams

and cries of souls that are being stolen and possessed by Satan? Bonus question. Dude, these are fucking wild. I placed an order for 47 million. And I did this to see how much uranium I could buy. Could you

cancel my order? I got to read some of these again. I want to buy pure red mercury for medical use to inject the stem cell for sick people. How much is it per gram? Does your product pass the dog smell test from the airport? I found

out almost 4,000 members of my family were killed in the Holocaust in Germany. I'm contacting you today as I would like to document anti-Semitism. Do you sell an EMP gun that can destroy the implant inside of my heart? Wow.

Alright, bonus question. Could you remove the polonium from my order? Mother wasn't as enthusiastic as I was to be able to buy some even with the lead

container I had bought for the purpose of getting a piece of radioactive material. I may be 28, but her house, her rules. Dude, people are fucking nuts. And thank you for the opportunity to share these bizarre questions.

So and so and I are big fans of yours and look forward to hearing your hilarious rants every week. I'm particularly fond of hearing you grow as a person and as a father. Oh, thank you. As a single 30-year-old, it gives me hope for myself in the future. As always, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, dude, if I can do it, you can do it. Alright. Okay, I think that's it. That's the podcast, everybody. Have yourselves a merry Christmas fucking week. Go out in your cars drive out and look at the fucking lights all around

but don't get out and hug a fucking stranger until you get the vaccine. Alright, that's it. Alright, go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful week. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Bye.

Bye.