Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-23-13

Episode Date: December 24, 2013

Bill rambles about Christmas shopping, drinking egg nog and socializing his Pit Bull.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 23rd 2013. How the hell are you? It's the holiday season. Do be, do be, do. It's goodily bop bop bop. Go fuck yourself at the mall. Two days before Christmas. Have you finished your shopping yet? You know what? I haven't. I've been traveling so much. I actually drove to a mall the other day. And I looked inside. I've literally pulled up to this fucking thing. And there was so many, I can't even say cunts, just so many fucking people who were in the same situation I am that they just had to go out and go buy shit that they actually had people directing traffic. You know, like there was some sort of flood. They had those same

sort of jackets on like I can see you from Mars kind of official. Please don't run me over. I know where the supplies are jackets to direct people in to the fucking baby gap. And I was trying to make the light and I couldn't make if I, you know, if I went to go make the light then I would have blocked the road because I wasn't getting in. So I just had to wait. And I was sitting there was the first car. And I just looked at the guys in the coat. I looked at people not moving in line. And I just said, I'm not fucking going in there. And I drove away. And I felt good. I felt good like the way when you used to, you know, when you'd skip school, you'd be the only way to school. You didn't want to go. I don't

want to fucking do that. Fucking hate this. I hate it. I don't want to do it. All right. I don't need to be taught beyond sixth grade. All right. And I knew it when I was a kid. I knew it right around sixth, seventh grade. I'm like, yeah, I got it. I got it. This is this is this is all I'm going to need in life. I'm not going to design a bridge. I'm not going to make a rocket ship. You know, I'm not going to manage finance. I'm not going to use my brain. I'm just going to be walking around reading signs and figuring out, you know, how much a packet gum and a fucking donut costs. All right, I don't need algebra two and trigonometry. I don't need that shit. So then you just go fuck this. I'm not going

to school and you leave and it's fucking great. It's great initially. And then there's that coming dread of like, you know, well, now I'm going to go back tomorrow and we have twice as much fucking work than I did today. Why did I just do that? And that's what I felt like when I when I drove away from the mall. You know, I felt just like when I used to drive and was driving to school, my piece of shit car, and I would look at my high school and I would be fighting my fucking hand. My whole arm as it was trying to turn into the school, I would literally, I guess I would be fighting it to not just hold it straight and keep going. That's exactly how I felt at that mall. And I drove away. I drove away

from that son of a bitch. All right, and here I am Monday, two days before Christmas. And what have I learned? If you don't fucking go into that fucking goddamn cesspool, you're not going to have any gifts. And I know what you're thinking, Oh, dude, why don't you show up online? Why don't you show up online? Because I can't see it. I can't touch it. It's just a fucking picture. I'm not doing that. And how much shit on here is is bullshit on the internet. My podcast is bullshit. All right. Does that even make sense? I don't know what it means. I'm the fucking going on virtual shopping. Like you got them kids. Sound like a fucking old man. So now, like the fucking asshole I am, I have to go to the mall today.

December 23rd, when I should be sitting around with a nice sweater on, drinking some spiked eggnog, you know, leaning up against the counter. I'm not getting choked up. I just smoked a cigar yesterday. Leaning up against the counter. All right. I don't know. Fucking just leaning there, you know, people coming over to talking to me, loud music in the background with fire on. They're talking to me and I'm not listening, but I'm smiling and I'm nodding. You know, one of those smiles where you don't show your teeth, you know, you have the same smile as when a kid draws a smiley face on a stick figure. You just have that smile on your face. And you just nod in your head. You're talking and I'm listening and I'm agreeing. I'm agreeing.

I don't give a shit what you're saying because I'm not fucking listening because I'm happy right now because I'm drinking eggnog. I'm getting a little glow going, little fucking glow going. I don't have to go to the mall. Everything's wrapped. It's under the tree. Go fuck yourself. I don't have any stand up gigs. I ain't got shit to do until New Year's. You keep talking and I'm going to keep sitting here with my little pinky stuck out as I drink out of these fancy little fucking tea cups that has my spike, eggnog in it. That my friends is what I should be doing. But no, not old freckle face. Freckle face has to go back down to the fucking mall today, hoping that there's enough pork sons of bitches out there

with such evil cunt bosses that they actually have to go to work on December 23rd. They got to show up at their cubicles and maybe with a little bit of luck, I can go down there between their half a fucking day, run in there and buy some shit that I then have to take home and wrap. And if you're a political prisoner right now and you're listening to this, you know, as you scratch another day on the wall trying to not lose your mind, I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking, you know, well, I would love to have some problems like that. You know, and you know what I say to you? I say to you, you know, walk a day in my fucking shoes. All right there. Stuck in a prison cell. Haven't seen

loved ones in 12 years. Okay. You know, if your prison cells so bad, how the fuck did you get a fucking device to download this podcast? So you had to listen to it. Why don't you explain that one? Political prisoner, they give you a keyboard or writing some questions here to make me feel fucking bad. I just did that before somebody went first world problems. You know what I hate more than anything? I hate fucking expressions, not expressions like a stitch in time saves nine, which actually makes sense, which I can kind of equate to, you know, by the present today. So you don't have to fucking wait nine hours in line on Monday. I just hate when I don't know, like a boss shaking my head. I just fuck. I don't

mind them. I just I hate how they're just continually used to the point that people are still expecting a laugh. It's like how many fucking times have you heard that? How many times you've heard that come out of your own fucking mouth? Right? Oh my God, I am in a fucking mood today. And you know why it is? It's because I have to go Christmas shopping. And also because I bought a new mixer and I bought a more compact one that would be better for travel. And the guy goes, Do you have all the wires that you need? I'm like, Yeah, I got all that shit. I'm good. Thank you very much. When I come here, and there's just a little bit of a different setup, and I pressed every button, I plug the wire in every place

I could fucking plug it in, I can't figure it out. All right, for you tech people out there, I have the Mackey 402 V is in Victor, L is in Lucy, Z is in zebra four, and I can't figure out how to fucking use it. So whatever, I'm holding this up like a microphone. I'm starting like this to be honest with you. Anyways, for those of you who, you know, we're out there shopping doing what you should be doing, building snow forts and whatnot. I did a very special podcast this week with one of my favorite people, not only in this business, but also in the world, Dave Keckner, David Keckner from the hilarious new sought last night, Anchorman to the legend of Ron Burgundy continues. I interviewed him this past was

it Friday, I think. Yeah, Friday, uploaded it just in case you didn't check to see check your Twitter account or whatever the fuck you find out that there's a new podcast. So I interviewed him. We talked about Anchorman and all this other stuff, hanging out getting drunk together and singing holiday songs and all that, which had a great time. And it was recorded. It was recorded live at the new all things comedy podcast studios. So with that, eventually, hopefully I'm going to occasionally have a guest and they'll just be bonus podcasts. All right, I'm not going to be reading any fucking advertisements and all that shit. It's just going to be hope. Well, I say that now. Who knows? What if I

throw out my funny bone and I'm not, I can't do my standup anymore than maybe I'll have to do it. Well, as of right now, I plan to do it in a pure fashion. I'm not reading any shit about chocolate covered fruit. I'm not reading any shit about fucking how to, how to have your own goddamn lemonade stand in your bedroom. I'm not doing that. I'm just going to interview some people. So David Keckner is the first one. And Jay Moore is going to be my 72nd guest. Now in between him, Keckner and Jay Moore, I don't know what I'm going to have, but that's all that I'm just giving you guys the heads up. Okay. There we go. So anyways, I don't have a lot to talk about this week for the simple fact that I'm

off the fucking road. And other than the fact that I have to do my Christmas shopping, I am excited that the year's over, but I also have to keep, uh, got to keep the act tight. Got to go to the local clubs. Got to do my little song and dance because I have a big New Year's gig. New Year's gig. New Year's gig, gig, gig, gig. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. New Year's Eve, everybody. If your fucking Botox ass is in the Los Angeles area, I am playing at the mighty Wiltern Theater, a theater that I drove by for years. And I told my lovely wife, me, I said, someday I'm going to play that fucking place. I'm going to sell it out. And afterwards we're going to get drunk. And I'm going to kiss you on the forehead. Now

God damn it. I have booked a gig there, but there's a few tickets left to make the dream come true. And you're like, well, Bill, wait a minute, why do I just want to go and see you? Can you sweeten the pot a little bit? Is there anything else that you can add? It is a New Year's show. Is there something else that you can add to the pot to make me say, no, I'm not going to stay home and jerk off the internet porn with the silly hat on blowing that fucking trumpet? Okay, I'm going to come down to the Wiltern Theater. What else do you have for me? It's a buyer's market. Everybody's trying to get me out to go fucking twinkle toes around their goddamn fucking tiles. All right. Well, I'm going to be down there

with the entire crew of knuckleheads that I go to the Rose Bowl with every year. They're all doing about 10 minutes in front of me. Um, we have Rose Bowl Rose Bowl tailgate legend. The mean Joe Green, the Jack Lambert, the Mike Wagner of the fucking tailgate. Mr. Joe Bartnick. All right. With his new comedy CD salute. But we hyped right here on the podcast. He's going to be there. Joe a K Joe a K a you need 50 you need to lose 50 pounds before you talk to me bitch. Bartnick will be there. We have master chef and a heater extraordinaire. Jason Lawhead is going to be there. Jay Lawhead fan of all Cleveland sports. You cannot talk to Jason Lawhead about sports. Anytime you complain about your team, he immediately just says, I have no

sympathy for you. You won a championship in 1972 because he's never seen he's never seen any of his professional teams with a championship. Therefore, therefore, he doesn't want to hear it from you. And last but not least, we got Andrew Thamelis down there. Andrew Thamelis, who brings other spirits that will not be mentioned to the tailgate. He's also the one that has to sift through all your fucking emails every week to this podcast. And he has mentioned to me. He wants to do it a little more efficiently. All right. So here's how we can do it. If you want to send in an email to this, this podcast, the low technology Monday morning podcast, this is where you send your emails to. All right, you send it to Bill. That's Bravo illness. Lupus, Lupus, Bill. Bill at the

mmpodcast.com. All right, and the MMP in MMPodcast are all capitalized. Bill at the MMPodcast.com. All right, and he would please he's asking you nicely to just say, please make the subject be relevant to your email. All right, just don't write like, hey, cunt face or whatever. I mean, you can do that. But unless you're, if you're not writing about cunt faces, then, you know, if you want your shit read, help us out here, please make the subject be relevant to the email. He says, I read emails that are great, but they have shitty subjects and vice versa. Oh, so in other words, don't give a great subject to a shitty email. Email number two, please keep them less than 10,000 words. Some people write great stories, but they are too long for the podcast.

In other words, I suck at reading out loud. And last but not least, I know a lot of people ordered some t shirts and DVDs. We're doing a bang up job. Andrew is getting everything out there. Unfortunately, this is a crazy time of year. Occasionally, merchandise has gotten lost. 99% of it has not gets lost or stolen in the mail. Who knows what the fuck they're doing out there. Out of the 2000 plus orders that we've had, we've had like, what are we up to? I don't know, how many? I think we've had maybe like 10 or 11 that had a problem out of 2000. So and know this, okay? If for some reason, whatever you ordered doesn't get there in time for Christmas and anything, just let us know in a nice, genuinely ladylike way. And I swear to God, I'll send you some

extra shit. I'll autograph it or whatever. Okay, there you go. Anyways, so on back to the podcast here. Speaking of reading out loud, I only have we only have two reads this week. So you guys don't have to worry about me annoying the shit out of you. With my reading out loud, my lack, my lack layer of reading out loud scales. So I'm doing New Year's Eve. And I was actually thinking the other day, I had a buddy of mine who was going out to go do a New Year's give, Giggory's coming up there and we were talking about how funny it is when they give out the noise makers before the show starts. And just who is the fucking asshole who came up with those fucking trumpets? Those things that just hit that note

I think it was somebody just hated New Year's or never got invited to a party and he's like, all right, you're going to go out to a party. I'm just going to make this fucking horn that's going to annoy the shit out of everybody. Which reminds me to tell every comedian out there, whatever gig you do, make sure they don't hand out the fucking noise makers before you go on stage because there is no comeback to. All right, here we go. The advertising for this week, man great everybody. This is the holiday season. Do be do be do think the fucking man great. What is the man great? You ask they are 100% made in America cast iron grilling grates that are revolutionizing the way people grill named one of 2012's best grilling

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on the podcast page at billbird.com wow those were those were two very nice reads if i do say so myself um all right what are we going to talk about this week you know i like i said i don't have a lot to talk about and um i did watch uh some american football for the first time and since uh i guess in the last three weeks i actually sat down and watched some i had had no idea that the cults were in it i thought the cults were like beating every good team in the league and then shitting the bed against bad ones and they were going to be about eight and eight evidently they're going to make the playoffs playoffs um i still like the seattle seahawks despite the fact that they lost to the arizona canals um i still think it is theirs to lose um anyways i watched the

patriots ravens game yesterday and i was embarrassed by that officiating jesus christ what the fuck did the ravens do that was like watching an nba game um and sad to say a lot of the calls it's not even the ref's fault those are like the new rules i think for our first touchdown what happened was one of the ravens cornerbacks um had the nerve to look our receiver in the eye as he escorted him down the field and uh thanks to jim ursay that is that is illegal now okay after five yards you cannot put your hands on the receiver and in no way shape or form after seven yards are you allowed to look at the receiver you can't look them in the eye you can't look them in in his general vicinity you're supposed to keep them in your peripheral vision without

touching him okay i mean if you sense that he is looking back at the ball you then also have to look back at the ball but not in the direction of the receiver's head you have to turn your head the same way the receiver turned his head you know what they should do at this point they should just put give like penalty flags to the wide receiver and just have like anytime the receiver gets touched he can just reach in and fucking throw the flag because that's what every fucking receiver does now when the ball sails over his head as they're falling to the ground if you notice the receivers are are miming throwing a flag they throw their fucking hand up i don't know it's annoying his health so um i i was actually surprised i thought we were gonna lose to the

ravens i um you know but it's just i don't like winning like that we're like 20 calls all go in your face i mean i actually saw what's his face harbaugh at one point he was just like what and i agreed with him i laughed i felt bad for the guy and i'm rooting against his fucking team um i don't know this is just i think it's all this fallout of i think the concussions and i also think it's the fallout of when uh paint manning and jimmer say had their fucking crybaby fest when they lost to the patriots yet again and they made the tape and they went to the nfl and the nfl was going that's legal that's legal and then they bitched again they bitched during the the fucking pro bowl they bitched at the pro bowl they bitched during the week of the super bowl

they bitched right up to the fucking draft and then jimmer say who sits on the rules committee spearheaded all these new uh fucking rules of coverage and i don't know it's not the game that i grew up with i still love watching it um that was fucking great yesterday had a couple buddies over got the fire going uh unfortunately i didn't get to watch the packers steelers with the snow on the ground i was watching uh what did i watch yesterday i watched the patriot's ravens and then i watched some of the eagles late night game um and i guess they're playing real well i don't know a lot of shit that's going on i'm getting caught up in hockey i watched a couple brewing sabers games you know one one we lost one and uh i don't know i it's funny a lot a lot of

i i saw what sean thorton did you know against the penguins penguins fans are fucking hilarious i think they actually have a lot of guilt with some of the absolute animals that they've had on their team because they're really trying to compare going like act like sean what sean thorton did and everything that matt cook did like that's a wash like penalties offset like one disgusting horrible piece of shit moved by thorton washes out cooks entire three-year terror run before he turned his game around which i do give him credit for now he plays the game a lot you know cleaner or whatever um i can really listen to it from any other anybody else other than penguins fans i mean you guys have all samuelson in your ring of honor i really think

you're making a statement when you do something like that when you put a guy like that up there next to fucking mario lemieux i mean it's just it's unbelievable uh and i was actually talking to somebody about some of the most dirtiest players i've ever seen since i've watched the game all the way back to the claude the claude lemieux's the dale hunters and all those uh you know in my top 10 lists like two of them are pittsburgh penguins um and i think to make that list you have to have that reptilian sort of brain where you can end a guy's career and like in between periods just sit there eating the sandwich and you're not nauseous at all you just don't give a fuck that's scary that scary fucking thing where people on the ice have their head on a swivel like where is he

where is he um and there's a very special few that have that have uh that have done that have just brought that vibe to it but anyways i'm psyched to get back into watching hockey and that type of stuff and uh there has to be a happy median medium with this fuck yet another record uh paint man in congratulations he just threw for 51 fucking touchdowns but does it even i mean and it's he's phenomenal but with you can't cover receivers anymore so i think that they have to have they should just sense these new rules almost like the steroid arrow like you have to have a new wing as far as uh records go because if you essentially couldn't cover a fucking receiver past five yards all right dan marino all day long i didn't want to fucking hear it that guy would have he'd have

60 touchdowns 70 touchdowns he threw for 6 000 fucking yards he played when you could still mug a receiver and he still all these records i don't know these are all dan marino's records it's bugging me that they made the game easier maybe it's harder and i don't know i'm just a grumpy old fucking man so anyways i don't have shit to talk about this week and somehow i've managed to still talk for 25 minutes because i'm a goddamn windbag and um so i was doing my usual shit i was going on the internet when i don't have shit to talk about and uh i was trying to find uh uh get caught up on some stories i guess everybody from the uh greenpeace 30 have been let go and uh two of the pussy riot members go free in russia russia you know i swear to god if your hippies

or you're singing in a band they stick you in prison really old school new prison amnesty seemed by critics as an attempt to ward off criticism of human rights record ahead of the winter olympics oh yeah i guess they spent a ton of money on the winter olympics like they bought a bunch of fake snow vladimir putting into whatever the fuck his name is he bought a bunch of fake snow just in case there isn't snow in the posh area that they want to have the olympics so um you know it is you can put anonymous people in prison and nobody really pays attention but uh if they're a bunch of hippies attached to greenpeace everybody pays attention and if they're in a band called pussy riot people give a fuck so uh one of the pussy two of the pussy riders that's

the name of the band just got out of jail uh the third member of the russian punk band pussy riot i want you to do two and a half years uh released from custody following an amnesty law passed by parliament um let me at least try to do a last name tola kona kova tola kona kova tola kona kova nazi nash nashda no nadi shda tola kona kova left prison left a prison colony in eastern ciberia they put somebody in a fucking band in a punk band in ciberia on monday hours after another band member maria normal name alakina i don't know how to say it was released in another region the amnesty that enabled their release is seen as the kremlin's attempt to soothe criticism of russian's human rights record ahead of the winter olympics in so sochi in february i don't

know if i'm saying any of this right uh one okay the one of them was 25 the other 24 were convicted of hooliganism for performing a crude punk prayer in a cathedral against putin's ties to the russian orthodox church the two women have been do have been due for at least in march how much time did they do i don't fucking know was that even remotely exciting well if you thought that was boring here's another one here's another russian guy calish kalishnikov kalishkinov kalishnikov what the fuck is with the 12 consonants in a row k a l a s h n i k o v i'm good with the calash oh there is calishnikov assault rifle designer dead at 94 and you're probably like bill why do i give a fuck about this guy who is this guy all the rednecks know him this guy was

the inventor of the ak-47 um the assault rifle designer of the ak-47 assault rifle that killed more people than any other firearm has died um the designer of the assault rifle that killed more people than any other he died at 94 um he was in his 20s when he created the ak-47 well there's a go-getter just after world war two he died in his home city of uh well you know something that i don't feel bad for him after what the fucking germans did coming into their goddamn country he's like he's a real patriotic guy he said well we got to be able to mow down these crouch next time they come over the border and he made the ak-47 so my hat's off to him um and last but not least this is what's going on in the world according to my fucking skimming

thousands rally against racism in sweden i was just there i didn't realize that they had neo nazis in sweden oh that's disgusting thousands of swedes demonstrating against racism and nazism have gathered in stock on a stock home suburb a week after a smaller rally in the same district was attacked by neo nazis what kind of a jerk-off joins a fucking neo nazi group what is it about hitler that you're looking at going oh yeah there's the guy that makes sense i don't know what is it is they have nothing else going on in their life other than the fact that they're white um you're white you're a white male heterosexual how much further down the track do you need to start the race and you still lose so then you gotta blame somebody else who starts

nine miles in the other fucking direction and they catch up with you oh you whiny cunts okay so crowds marched on i've evidently they had an anti-racism march and these neo nazis attacked it you know is is there ever an uglier look on somebody's face when they're pro-racism when they're attacking somebody it's the fucking most hateful look look at that son of a bitch um so crowds marched on sunday towards a spot in car tarp it's the south of the capital where music performances and speeches were held organizers of the event said 16 000 people attended the rally well thank god for those 16 000 about a hundred uniform police were deployed at the event uh police spokesman said that's good one person for every six 1600 people what could go

wrong um you know is that right or 160 oh jeez you spilled don't be doing math in your head i've been to many demonstrations in my life and this is one of the biggest that's great that's great said some fucking person that i can't pronounce their name it shows how we many how many we are fighting for the equal value of all human rights and that we are many in comparison to the extremists i think many people are worried about the rise of the far right in europe and want to show that in sweden we are taking another route how about you're taking a new route didn't you let the nazis use your train systems to go into fucking norway yeah jesus i actually it's just always going to be around it's just always going to be around

and i guess how do you think you combat that shit do you have to fight it with violence how else do you do it these guys i don't understand them are you not eating every day do you not have a roof over your head what is the fucking problem that's depressing all right why did i read that that just put me in a bad fucking mood is anything worse than fucking neo nazis the sons of neo nazis um anyways let's let's let's let's read some shit here christmas shopping i talked about my new mixer i talked about penguins fans i talked about uh nfl football i don't know what else to tell you you know what it is this week people i just have

unbelievable anxiety they have to go out and shop you know it's funny when i actually went out browsing the other day i actually saw a bunch of shit from me and if that isn't the ultimate sign of what a selfish cunt you are um i can't find anything for anybody oh i would like that i would enjoy that um all right anchorman two bill broadcaster saw anchorman two it was brilliant the whole cast is great yeah i just saw it i fucking loved it um i went with uh i went with lawhead and neah last night we all had a great time uh they said the whole cast is great but there is a level of trust when it comes to will ferrell he always makes the right decisions love listening to you talk to david kekner you definitely have to have j more on at some time

the running joke with j more is he gave me shit for not he i was on his podcast and i haven't had him back on my podcast all right and there is a method to my madness i don't think you should go on somebody's podcast and then fucking two weeks later you have to you just talk to him for a goddamn hour about comedy and every other thing under the sun you got to let some time go by you know you got to let it marinate you got to let it heat up you got to let some shit some water go under the bridge before you have him back plus i never have guests on this podcast i just don't but now we have a studio so i will do it so david kekner was first j more is 72nd so i got to have another fucking what is that 70 guests um anyways he said

you definitely have to have j more on sometime but don't let the whole guest thing get out of control you're the master of the monologue go fuck yourself uh in other words keep doing what you're doing all right need an nfl team hey william i've really gotten into the nfl this season but still don't have a team i really follow being irish with no allegiance to any state i have the choice of any team in the league so it can either be a glory hunting fuck and go with the seahawks so even this guy in ireland knows that the seahawks are the favor or the broncos are being long suffering cunt to go with the raiders of the jets any thoughts yourself um i would definitely not be a jets fan because there is there's a one sip of glory

in there in their entire victory chest there uh but the raiders they've won three super bowls they do have a great logo although their fan base has kind of made a left turn with the dressing up and all that type of shit the same way we kind of have these sweet caroline stuff um i try and block that out i like the raiders the raiders also if you're gonna listen to them on the radio i think have one of the best announcers in all the sports um i don't know just pick a team and have a good fucking time i don't give a shit who you pile on with i mean i wouldn't pick a team that sucks if i was trying to get into the sport you know what i would do i would pick a team that's just underneath the favorites um like i don't know i'm trying to

think of the premier league who the fuck i would pick i don't know who i would pick but i definitely wouldn't pick like a man united um i would more go man city i guess i don't fucking know i'm in over my goddamn head but i would definitely say do not pick the jets okay you don't want to pick the jets all right the jet i am a 45 year old man the jets have not won a super bowl since i was one years old walking around with my big pasty hairless head pissing and shitting myself okay so that's that's that option the raiders have not won a title since uh my voice just started cracking as i was hitting puberty like do you think they're gonna beat the redskins that's the last time that they won ronald reagan was in his first term as president all right i'm just letting you

know what you're signing up for let's go around the league a little bit the miami dolphins the miami dolphins have not won a super bowl since uh i got a cowboy outfit i got a hat and i got some guns some cap guns for my birthday and then the big kids as i was standing there came walking by took both guns out of my holster and just smashed him on the fucking driveway and continued walking away walking up the street they just came walking up the street they saw me standing there dressed like billy the kid and they like that's not billy the kid that's not even billy the teen that is billy the toddler and they walked up to me they took my guns out of my holster and they smashed him on the ground laughed and continued walking i picked them up i walked into

the house and i handed it to my mother and she said who did this and i said i said big kids and then she made me a sandwich all right peanut butter and jelly and she left the crust on because she didn't raise any fucking finicky pussies when it came to food all right i made you the sandwich so you remember that when you were kid you were gonna sit there until you finished that was that a dying thing is that considered abuse now and you just sit there your fucking legs falling asleep and it was her way to just keep you stationary where she went around and cleaned the fucking house so then what did you end up doing you ended up taking most of the food and you fucking threw it behind the stereo

that was a giant wooden thing that they had it on you just threw it back there did you finish it yes i did i ate it all and then that was it but you were too stupid to wait till she walked away i went to the store and just grabbed the sandwich and throw it away you just left it there till all the ants came and then she figured it out and then you got sent to bed anyways possibly beaten with the fraternity paddle that your dad kept all right i'm gonna have to go you know what i'm going to nfl.com i'm gonna go buy all the fucking teams right now i'll give you a little this for the holidays i'll give you a little childhood story during the holiday season scooby-dooby-doo and silvery bells get on the fucking sleigh and we'll go to grandma's

senile house um i went to the nhl.com sorry force a habit nfl.com here we go loading loading loading get those teams are going all right the buffalo bills have never won a championship so there's no story for you that's one team all right the baltimore ravens have not won a super bowl since january i don't have any childhood stories because i was an adult so that's a man's team right there the cincinetti bangles have never won a super bowl no story for you so far the buffalo bills and the fucking cincinetti bangles zero titles and you want to add to that no fucking childhood story the cleveland browns you take all three of them you stick them in a spur-lap sack like a bunch of kittens you can't raise you throw them over the bridge in the fucking river

the pittsburgh steelers have not won a fucking title since 2009 that's a good team to jump on they get a head coach and they fucking stick with them the houston texan expansion franchise wait a minute before you throw those kittens over the bridge we got another one to stick in the burlap sack the indianapolis colts used to be the baltimore colts they have not won a super bowl since i had just stopped pissing myself i had just learned how to sit on that little plastic toilet you know urinate or defecate stand up excitedly screaming my mother and point at it i got fucking shit right the jaguars never won one the titans aka the houston oilers never won one jesus there's a lot of teams haven't won a super bowl the denver broncos have not won a super bowl

since i didn't realize i was gonna go bald and start balding i still have some left in the late 90s they have not won a super bowl till somebody said for the first time hey have you heard of this guy m&m by the way if you guys heard his new album yet jesus christ jesus christ how fucking inspiring is that if you're in any sort of entertainment the kansas city chiefs have not won a super bowl since 1970 1970 since nixon was not exposed as a fucking liar the raiders already did the chargers have never won one they won a fucking afl title the dallas cowboys have not won one since people will win in z caverici fucking pants oh no they want to win like 95 right as grunge was dying and for some reason people thought that that those

guys who sang sang glycerine was a good band the giants have not won one since they broke my fucking hot for the second time am i really going to go through the whole league i think i am the philadelphia eagles have never won a super bowl throw them in that burlap fucking sack with the kittens the redskins have not won a super bowl since uh since z caverici pants the chicago bears have not won a super bowl since 1985 what was going on then since cindy lopper was actually relevant the droid lions have not even won a fucking championship i think black people weren't even allowed to play in the nfl maybe they were since 1955 with bobby lane green bay packers is a good team to jump onto the uh minnesota vikings is an adult cat that acts like a kitten loser of

four super bowls stick them in that burlap sack the fucking atlantic falcons why do you have a team i don't give a fuck that you change uniforms to black nobody gives a shit you get in the burlap sack the panthers you're an expansion franchise you get in but you're on the top of the sack we'll give you a chance to crawl out the saints one one in 2010 i think the buckin is one one in like 2002 the cardinals have never won one getting that burlap sack shut your face get in the sack the rams haven't won one since 99 the san francisco 49ers great franchise that's a great team to follow the 49ers the seattle seahawks despite how loud they scream on purpose have never won a fucking super bowl they can also get into the fucking burlap sack but they're also at the top

of it because i think that they might fly out win one this year so there's your league those are your teams i hope it makes sense all right back to the fucking questions here um new christmas tradition dear billy stovetop pipe uh how about instead of mistletoe which encourage you to which encourages look at this kind of guy right this guy writes this how about instead of mistletoe which encourage you to another person while standing under under it which encourage you to kiss another person while standing under it there is a new berry and a shrub combination that suggests you go fuck yourself what berry shrub combo would you suggest is appropriate is appropriate thanks and have a jolly holly jolly go fuck yourself jesus christ dude i actually

like christmas i think you would say have a fucking combination like berry and shrub that means that someone uh you know some female has to drop and blow you or a fella if you're into that you know or if you're a lesbian maybe you just put the shrub up there you just have a bush hanging from the ceiling equal opportunity however you want to do it but if you get the berries on the side the shrub will you just sort of cut it like a dick sort of uh shape and then there's your unit i don't know what to do with that yeah lesbian you just have like a shrub why don't you like the mistletoe sir

it is kind of fucking perverted right some creepy guy hanging out around it nea keeps telling me to hang up the mistletoe it's like why don't you just come over give me a kiss i mean i'm glad to do it no it's a tradition ah fuck i gotta go out to the mall i see what i'm doing just go out to the mall i'm just gonna buy shit i'm just gonna see shit i'm gonna grab it i'm gonna buy it and then i'm just gonna have like do you like it that's just what i'm gonna do all right then i'm gonna get some fucking eggnog and i can only drink one glass of it but they don't sell just a glass you gotta buy the whole quart of it and i'm gonna get some bourbon i'm gonna stick it in there i'm gonna get fucking drunk that's what i'm gonna do

leaning against the mantle with the fire going um ah fuck i gotta wrap this podcast up because i have to go shopping shopping do you believe that how do you guys do it how do you do the internet thing where do you go for next year can you help out other older fellows like myself that don't understand the internet unless you're talking about porn or trying to find out who won the game did you do that for me i i did order a couple of things off the internet but i don't fucking know i'll go to mitchell and nest and buy myself a jersey like i'm some make-a-wish kid but other than that i don't know what the fuck i'm doing all right here we go another creepy email yet another creepy email

interested in younger girl of legal age okay dear billy blue balls in your last podcast and many others you talked about what you think is an acceptable age gap between people in a relationship oh by the way that you know divide by two and add seven that that guy was taking credit for i like to do this you fucking hack the french came up with that those stinky smelly sons of bitches came up with that one um actually the younger french people don't smell it's the older ones that have just not given into good lord those smelly menage toise is that you or me i currently have a moral dilemma that relates to the topic in which as a 20 year old i'm thinking about pursuing a relationship with the girl who's 16

dude and what where in the fucking world is she legal she asked me out recently and i'm toiling with the decision as to whether or not i should take her up on her offer uh i'd like to know what your thoughts are about this before you jump to conclusion and start hating my guts let me give you a little backstory where i live the age of consent is 16 so this is a hundred percent legal you know what i would do a search to try to figure out where that is because you conveniently didn't tell you but if i did i'd end up on some list because i would be searching where is 16 legal to fuck somebody if you go with the french divide your age in half that's 10 you add 717 you're coming in under the fucking wire uh i'm a very young looking 20 year old

so what ralph machio ought to be able to fuck a 16 year old what the fuck on it oh my god what when did this become to the uh to catch a predator podcast i'm a very young looking 20 year old and can easily pass off as a high school student you fucking creep if you didn't look at my id you'd think me and this girl at the same age she's highly intelligent and very mature what is mature in your world there aren't just pictures in her book i know pedophiles like to use this phrase a lot to justify their actions but i can have better conversations with this girl than most girls my age and older i wait a minute this is a lady i just turned 20 and for much of the time we are only three years apart

okay wait a minute now are you gonna expose me for being a sexist individual here all right so you're both women i i need i need oh shit me i'm still sleeping i need a fucking females advice here you know because uh the way you're set up physically this is how dumb i am okay and don't judge me here help me because of the way you set up physically for some reason it doesn't seem as bad you know that you can uh you're not gonna fuck them you know you're just gonna kiss them and pet them and lap at them that's just so fucking creepy um oh wait there's more excuses here i'm sorry i just turned 20 and for much of the time we're only three years apart she's probably much more experienced sexually than me as she had previously

been in a serious relationship for quite some time jesus christ one of these girls start fucking and i've never had a relationship that lasted more than a month or two never in my entire life including grade school have i ever had a relationship or gone on a date with someone younger than me this is an entirely new territory and i guess you can see why i'd be apprehensive you keep painting yourself as the victim i really like this girl and she must like me but but i don't know what my next step should be there's no one i can really talk to about this without them jumping to conclusions so any advice you can give me would be helpful helpful thanks bill go fuck yourself ps please come to saskatchewan okay there we go uh sometime

during your travels you got fans up here and we're aching for some high quality stand-up um all right well what's weird about this email is where i live 16 is not the age of consent all right so this is creeping me out um let me make sure you are a female i didn't read that wrong she's highly intelligent sure i know pat falls like this phrase but i can only have better concentration where did i think that she was a woman i'm a very young looking 20 year old and can easily pass off as a high school student if you didn't look at my id you'd think me and this girl are the same age where did i think that this was a woman am i out of my fucking mind ah jesus christ

now i don't know i don't know what the fuck to think look if you're a guy and you're going to make this fucking move i just i don't i can't get out of the fact that it's fucking illegal in my world and i used the french thing cut in half plus seven whatever you are man woman hermafordite just be like look talk to me in 11 months all right when you turn 17 and i guess that's legal up uh even more legal and i i don't know i don't fucking know you know go make a snowman with them her okay i don't fucking i don't i don't want to read these anymore all right i don't want to be like giving people things that you know what there's a eight year old down the street and i'm a young 14 year old and i was you know

i don't like doing the stuff people my age do i still like playing with matchbox cars fucking creepy all right cut it out accidentally racist story accidentally racist racist racist yeah yeah yeah um hey bill love the podcast and i enjoy your work well thank you very much person i don't know if it's a man or a woman all i know is that they're just going to be talking about being racist and not trying to have sex with somebody who's potentially or not underage um the guy that wrote in last week about the accidental racist thing was probably full of shit he said i read that same subject and that accepts exact same story on reddit over four months ago no way if it is the exact same guy that started the reddit thread then cool if not

then fuck him oh anyways have you ever dealt with someone stealing your material on stage thanks um uh yeah yes i have i've had uh i've had that happen not that much maybe like a half dozen times and i just walk up to the person i just say hey that's my stuff and i've seen you see me do it and then they never make eye contact go you're gonna make a big deal of this yes yes i am and then they stop um but i think people who aren't in this business uh they steal shit all the time you know if you look at like uh i don't know regular people can be hacky just because there's no then there's nobody's judging their work so there's a freedom to what they do uh but passing off louis ck did a great bit about that did anybody ever tell you a really funny story

and then like two weeks later you're telling the story like it happened to you and then you get halfway through the story and you realize that you're telling the story back to the guy who told it to you originally um yeah i mean i guess people do shit like that i don't fucking know wow that's disappointing that's like twice that guy stole from the you know i got this little theory that i uh i like to do i remember one time i worked with a comedian he and he said you know i i i have this saying that i like to say and it's free your mind and your ass will follow and it was like either a parliament or funkadelic george clinton or something came up and this guy actually was selling this on bumper stickers i have a saying that uh you know two in the hand is worth you know

one of the hands were two in the bush and i put it on this t-shirt and i'd like to sell it all right dear mr cunty face dear mcconn face sorry the new secretary in my office is a black woman and baked cookies for the office i sarcastically said i hope you slaved over these all night she stared at me and i saw a pure evil in her eyes the question now is do i eat one or is it unspoken that they're now off limits for me um i don't well yeah you made a joke and they wasn't funny i sarcastically said i hope you slaved over these all night oh slaved over these all night he's has like three l's um jesus christ dude um i i think your question you should buy a joke book is what you should do maybe watch some stand up and learn how to deliver them um

the only way you that would could ever be funny is if you knew that person really well and that was the relationship you guys had like you you joked around about shit like that but to say that in front of all the people at the office uh i don't know what to tell you but you're you're a selfish cunt and you don't give a shit you don't give a fuck about people because all you care about now is can i eat one of the cookies or can i not you know and you're probably going to be a terrible father and have awful unexamined children that's what i get out of all of that um yeah you're one of those people that kind of likes hurting people maybe i'm wrong i'm judging you in the paragraph but like the person that i'm picturing i don't fucking know um anyways number three hey bae there

billy goats gruff oh this is all the accidental racist shit here um that wasn't accidentally racist that was on purpose racist um because i think if it was funny it would have been funny and i don't you don't give a shit on any level that you might have hurt that person's feelings all you want is to know is if you can have the cookies yes so you're a cunt um that's not was nothing accidental about it um number three hey billy goat gruff my white friend used to go to temple university in philly years back as you probably know it's a highly populated black area now how the fuck would i know that uh i guess i because i've done shows in philly i don't know which areas or what anyways he was at a house party with this chick and most likely a wee bit tipsy they were heading out to

leave when his gal realized he was going to leave the house party and he was going to leave the house heading out to leave when his gal realized she forgot her black handbag in the other room uh oh my friend told her to sit tight and he'll go get it he stormed back into the room and yelled out hey is there a black person here uh the room felt silent as he found himself staring an entire room filled with black people when he realized what he said he quickly snatched the purse sitting on the couch and held it up and he said no no a purse it's a black purse yeah i don't understand what is uh how did he offend people he said everybody figured out what he meant and they all laughed he slinked out and told all his white friends did you get it bill is there a black

person here oh what like pussy person is there a black person here oh person ah is there a black person here ah that's hilarious i didn't get it hugs and kisses that's fucking you know what i love is that you realized i'm too stupid that if i'm reading out loud trying not to fuck that i wouldn't be able to fucking uh now you know what that seems too fucking convenient is that an old fucking story did you steal that one too a is there a black person here ah Jesus um Jesus Christ people do you not have enough funny stories in your life you got to start making them up uh number four a group of people from work including myself this is all accidentally races races a group of four people from work including myself were sitting at the

front of the light rail parentheses above ground version of the subway in north carolina and drinking all day at a pub crawl at a pub crawl a group of black people came up to sit behind us and our drunk ditzy blonde co-worker says welcome to the front of the bus i got to tell you something that's actually fucking funny i think that that's i don't know i think that that's funny she didn't meet oh she didn't mean it in a bad way you guys were just parting and she just said welcome to the front of the bus i gotta tell you that is fucking hilarious that's that one is fucking hilarious oh my god all right one of them was funny i like it there we go and what do we got here oh an hour and one the podcast is fucking over um we got the wrap up here now that the show

is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus once again hulu plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support the part this podcast and get an extended free trial on hulu plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the hulu plus banner or go to bill or go to hulu plus dot com slash bill that's hulu hulu dot hulu plus dot com slash bill sorry i was looking at the clock to see if i had enough time to fuck tell you this quick story i have a pet peeve as i was walking through the mall the other day and i was hating my life um this other mall that i ended up going to that was more like uh it wasn't a mall it was like this strip of stores on a street so you weren't stuck there

and there was this christmas tree and i have i have a new pet oh fleo you got fleas oh baby i like my dog oh baby i like my dog what's up buddy huh what's up i actually got this dog to like one of my friends i got a new thing that i do i just take her for a walk with all my friends with one of my friends and after three walks three hours she starts to accept them and then i have her give her some water then i have little treats then she starts looking at them like they're a food source you do that for another five hikes and then you gradually taper off with the food you know and it's more just sort of petting the dog and then i gradually let the person with my dog in the front yard we hang there for a couple of hikes right at the end of a couple of hikes like it's

like a 15 day process you know i'm sorry somebody beat you then you don't trust anybody clio but we're going to turn this this apple card around aren't we so now i'm trying to have mr j lawhead become friends we'll work on it right okay i fucking love this dog anyways so people are sitting out and they're taking pictures in front of this christmas tree this is such a dumb thing to be annoyed with but i hate people who take pictures with their fucking uh ipad you know it just looks stupid like you're sitting there holding a food tray up in front of your face i really wish somebody would just step in and give you a hook like a fucking left hook right around your tablet right to your face and knock your goddamn dentures right out of your mouth or your partial something

it's just it's just annoying that big stupid fucking thing why are you walking around with that thing you know you don't have a cell phone what are you doing with the thing i just want to fucking break it over my goddamn knee sorry hey maybe that's a new segment we can get away from the fucking you know semi pedophile questions what is it what is something that just annoys you and you know it's stupid and it shouldn't fucking annoy you there's me i'm throwing my hat in the ring people who take pictures with their fucking ipad or tablet i don't like it it bothers me it shouldn't bother me people are free to do it and i don't fucking like it all right there you go hey everybody merry christmas just hear those slave bells ring a link ting ting ting a link to

merry christmas to a christian a muslim or a jew i don't care i don't care if it's offensive to you it's my holiday i like saying merry christmas to you i'll take some rouge and put it on your fucking cheeks to make it seem like you're happy too stop being a fucking cunt and get over by the christmas tree stop being a fucking cunt and get over by the christmas tree i will buy you a gift sorry um that's the podcast for this week thank you everybody who came out to my shows this year this was the greatest fucking year i've ever had as a goddamn comedian um got to play all these wonderful venues and i'm gonna next year next year i'm gonna do another special oh boy oh boy um probably in the april may time of year i'm gonna tape it record it if i can put it out there

and then i'll work on my next hour and i'll do another fucking tour and i'll go to even more fucking cities because i don't know what else to do with myself that's it go fuck yourselves merry christmas happy kwanza happy hanukkah and uh i'll see y'all at the malls me with a cleaver