Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-24-12

Episode Date: December 25, 2012

Bill rambles about astronauts, Maniac detecting street lights and overrated doctors.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday December 24th 2012 and as you can see the way I stress December 24th that I am I am I am letting you guys know that I realized that it's Christmas Eve okay I realized that therefore this has to be a very special podcast which it won't be but I'm just letting you know that I know that you feel that it should be special do you know I had some sort of Christmas special going on here singing you guys some holiday tunes huh have all the jolly Christmas oh it's the best time of the year everybody is pretty cool except for that douchey sister married there's always one right there's always gonna be that one fucking guy everybody's having a good

time and then this one cunt has to come in moping around you know who is it the chick with the substance abuse problem or the moody guy I'd rather have the substance abuse chick around than the moody guy the moody guy's the worst he comes in right like the fucking antithesis of mistletoe you know he should have mistletoe on his shoes pointed the other direction like some sort of devil reference you know instead of hanging from the heavens it's coming up from the fucking right kiss my fucking feet everybody because you're gonna have to deal with me in my mood because I'm not just gonna have the decency to be miserable miserable over in the corner I'm gonna fucking sit down right in front of everybody and just sit there sulking

you know and there'll be a couple of fucking hardcore people who will see it and they'll just roll their eyes but there's always the one douche the one chick who's a member of the 4-H club or whatever the hell it is that she does bake sales helps out with the church car wash whatever the fuck she does but you know she has to what's matter what's matter you look sad oh my god are you sad she sees fucking sad every year watch the language around the mistletoe Karen don't fucking do this don't every fucking year I don't care if their kids are gonna hear it anyway they're gonna hear it anyway all right every year this douche comes in looking like fucking droopy dog and I'm sick of it it's not my fault his life I don't care

if he can hear me of course he's leaving of course he's leaving you're leaving you leave all where you're gonna go huh kill yourself in a fucking rest area um right it's one of those deals every year there's that douche then there's always the douche who has to try and top everybody's stories you know you could be sitting there with the fucking astronaut eat some out try to top or correct them well actually I thought uh according to uh you know what I don't know a video game some fucking astronaut video game that douche played he'd actually try to question a real ass who even knows an astronaut at this point aren't they all dead did the people who were on the space shuttle were they considered astronauts because I

I didn't consider them astronauts you're not an astronaut if you're in a plane okay and I know it's a big one and I know it's got rockets on it initially all right but all I know is that the astronauts that I grew up on with were fucking they were at the top of a missile that's what they did you didn't steer that fucking thing I mean how they got back they had a little capsule I think you just leaned to one side you kept rolling back towards the earth hoping you'd re-enter right then the parachutes came out and they couldn't fucking find you because all we had was binoculars you know where is he I don't see him anything on the starboard nothing sir name nothing off the starboard right you're fucking sitting there in the water clinging to a sting

right if you're lucky you landed on an island and then you met a genie who called you a master but for some reason you never fucked her but other than that that's what an astronaut was he didn't fly in a fucking plane you know eating spaghettios whatever the fuck they did and then land and get towed to the gate by a fucking Toyota tundra all right that's not an astronaut to me that's a very impressive pilot very impressed you went a lot higher than the jumbo jet I flew to Syracuse and hats off to you sir um I just heard Johnny Mathis in the car in the car the fucking guy's great you know what the hell song was he singing what the fuck song was he singing something about uh it's the something in your heart that's do bo bo oh fuck how does it go

fuck it's right there something about that but the jingle in your is a song in your heart and I've got skis tell me I think of Johnny Mathis I always picture that Christmas album when he was sitting there with his you know his skis and sweater on you know uh fuck you know you think if you were going to bring up a fucking something you just heard you could remember it wouldn't you wouldn't you um anyways I hope you guys have a very merry Christmas it is one day away have you finished your shopping I know the podcast is late I know it's late you know what I actually recorded it this morning and I was fucking with my dog on it and he unplugged my device and then somehow it all got erased so this is the second time I'm doing it so I think because of that

I think I sound pretty jolly right about now don't you I'm still coughing up mold any doctors listen to this podcast do you oh that's that's uh I don't know if that's impressive why would you listen to this podcast do you need a break from thinking uh because you're so fucking smart because you went to college until you were 35 and now you're fucking 900 grand in debt and you're looking up people's assholes really that was your game plan you know if you wanted to fucking nurse you could have just had your girl you know just put on a nurse's outfit what's the difference the goods are all the same did you really need to go through all of that just so you could walk around instead of somebody saying you know mr johnson they have to be like

dr johnson I don't like how doctors like when they go to a fucking restaurant they have to say you know table four and they got to be you know fucking you know dr marblehead why can't you say just say four for marblehead why'd I pick marblehead I don't know why Peterson you know four for Peterson it's got four for dr Peterson you know get over yourself you fucking douche so many of those the goddamn doctors do are not involved in life and death shit I'm not saying they don't kill people and I'm not I guess well you know if they fuck up they can kill somebody but a lot of them you know they're looking at toes they look checking out your ears your throat and that type of shit you know

that those they're like the jiffy lube doctors you know that's all they're doing changing a fucking air filter draining out the oil put the blood back in put a new filter on pour the shit back in the top of the engine call me in two days that's all you're doing all right those real guys that deal with the fucking the insides the pistons and all that shit those are the guys you know oh the computer those are the real doctors you know so next time you go out to a fucking whatever the fuck it's called crack a barrel just say your last name all right dr Peterson you fucking douche I hope you get mugged you know I don't go to a fucking restaurant sit there stand up comedian burr table for one because I'm on the road and I'm lonely

comedian burr comedian burr table for one anyways did you guys watch any football that gives a fuck about football it's almost over can you believe how fucking fast the nfl season goes by why is it so short you know why because it's a fucking man's game that's why September October November December and you're into playoffs four months baseball starts in april so that's april may june july you just be right now we would be in the dog days this summer with baseball but football it's fucking it's almost over you know this time next month we'll be sitting there waiting for the uh the pro ball which i'm going to by the way i'm gonna be out there with like 87 other people in that stadium

it's it's fucking do you realize this is how much of a pussy game baseball is or let's spin it positively because it's christmas eve it's the eve before christmas um this is how manly football is baseball players if you're healthy for the whole year you play as many professional games as a football player plays in a 10 year career you know and after a 10 year career most football players they have damage that they're not walking away from they got some sort of a limp some sort of twitch in their eye they got voices in their head their head doesn't fucking turn anymore they got something their knees blown out they got something baseball players what have they got huh other than abroad and every fucking other city you'd never want to go to

you know they got chicks in baltimore kansas city was both nfl cities let me think of a fucked up wait there's there's 32 teams there's more football teams than baseball that doesn't work out does it whatever i'm just i'm just upset why is it why don't you just go by so fucking fast anyways i'll tell you something i gotta tell you something right now i think pate manning has a good shot at tying his younger brother with the ring this year what do you think about that earlier this year you know i was like the giants of the fucking giants you don't need to tell a patriot's fan about it the giants all you don't need to tell us about those kinds all right i kept waiting for them to turn it on berzy was freaking out in november i'm like

dude they do this every year they pace themselves and then they start trying right around fucking about a week before thanksgiving and then they just go on a run and they just punch everybody in the mouth elie closes his eyes looks at the opposite end zone and throws the ball and that sticks to somebody's helmet or fucking drops in out of the heavens in double coverage and the expression on his face never changes you know he's like the man cherry in candidate a fucking nfl players um never seen a quarterback as good as him as look as stupid as he does with a helmet on it's like he i don't think i would look worse with a helmet on you know usually someone who's not athletic like myself when we put on athletic equipment it's just funny we don't look cool we

look like idiots and uh as good as elie is he he looks like a guy he looks like the the last guy you would pick in gym class anyways i'm just pissed because he beats us every time we go to the fucking super bowl um but anyways the giants are out now the 49ers i don't i don't know what to think about them after that dropping last night against seattle and i was really rooting for the 49ers i've always liked the 49ers well that's not true in 81 i didn't i was a cowboys fan and uh but i just you know by the end of it i just you know the west coast offense bill walsh all that shit i just love them um and you know p caro drives me nuts i can't stand that guy i don't like that guy because he looks like the greatest guy ever he looks like he just rescued a cat out

of a tree you know after rescuing a dog from a shelter after uh you know i don't know saving somebody from drowning he just looked like he looks like the fucking he looks like a Mormon you know could you look any more wholesome than that guy he looks like he goes to church every week and sings hymns you know only has sex missionary style you know only does it for procreation you know what i mean like there's nothing fucking wrong with the guy yet the way he left fucking uh usc i mean john calipari must have been like nice that's the way it's done there p that's how you do it that right you see what he just did that's how that's how it's done that's how it's done you break every fucking rule you fucking can you win championships and right

when you smell those motherfuckers come and you leave and you let the school deal with it right that's what the fuck he did you know so then he's up there looking all wholesome the worst thing about losing to a p carol team or just whenever a p carol team scores a touchdown is they're always gonna cut to that wholesome guy and you're gonna catch him reacting to the touchdown and what does he do does he make like a fucking warface does he go fuck yeah like rex ryan something manly no he goes it's genius it's fucking it's the ball you expected like rex right fuck yeah you expect they're gonna do that you don't expect to somebody be like

he does everything but skip down the fucking sidelines it makes it even more annoying to lose to somebody if somebody's like fucking growling like a grizzly bear it makes it losing a little more acceptable but when that when they're when making noises you'd make if you were pushing your toddler on a swing it's uh it's really degrading so anyways you know seattle just in general is just fucking annoying it's a great goddamn city but i don't like their stadium how they designed it so their fans that aren't that loud would sound louder i don't like that and then they get all this credit right well these fans is so loud no the architect was awesome um anyways so now i'm looking i i don't know i think green bay is still fucking in it i have no

idea now all of a sudden it seems up for grabs after the last couple years i was looking at the nfc going this is completely lopsided you know the three top teams in the league are in the nfc so you're you're gonna be watching the super bowl in the nfc uh championship game at the very least and uh the afc we're just gonna show up to get our fucking asses kicked you know that's just been my my opinion okay and i stand by my criticism of my own team's fucking defense as you saw we struggled with the goddamn jaguars all right and i know you know brady threw a couple of picks and that type of thing but but we made their quarterback whatever the fucking the chad henny whatever the hell his name is you know made that guy look like

john elway so anyways i got a feeling uh i got a feeling paint manning uh he's got a you got a fucking chance he's got a chance and i'm somehow rooting for the guy i'm trying to hold up my hatred of the guy and i just don't have it anymore once he left the colts it's just it's just he's not on the colts anymore i don't care and now he's an old guy i'm an old guy how do i not root for an old guy he's a fucking old guy i can relate i can relate to it um i gotta type in my stupid password here do you guys know uh here's here's something that happened yesterday during uh the patriots game that i was watching this is this is how much the game has changed west welker uh the great west welker gonna be in the very least will be in the new england patriots hall of

fame all right he's gotta stay healthy he needs a couple yeah but probably about four thousand more yards and he's gonna be in the pro football hall of fame right so i love the guy you know speedy white guy playing wide receiver it gives it gives you know uncoordinated white dudes like me hope it gives us a role model you know what i mean um so anyways he catches a ball and they go west welker just broke jerry rice's record and immediately my fucking ears perk up going west welker broke a jerry rice record what record did he break he broke the record for the most games 10 or more catches in a game with his 18th game of having 10 or more catches and i was like west welker caught 10 or more passes more in his career than jerry rice you know what i think i have

to go to the pro football reference dot com the best football website out there by the way stay away from espia and the nfl one they're too fucking busy selling their channel in their league this is just no bullshit trim the fucking fat so west welker holds the record for the most games as a wide receiver catching 10 or more passes his career yards 8486 and he has played one two three four five six seven eight nine seasons in nine seasons he did what jerry rice did in 20 seasons and jerry rice his career total for yards is 22 895 that's how the games changed these little fucking passes which would have been handoffs back in the day these guys they're they're padding their fucking

stats there's got to be an asterisk next to that one here's the average yards west welker has 15 yards his first year 10.3 10.5 10.5 11.0 9.9 that's for the year that's was his average per catch 9.9 yards 12.9 11.5 here's jerry rice all right where the fuck are we 18.9 18.3 16.6 20.4 18.1 you get the point right back in the day they fucking they slid that fucking pig skin around the god damn fail they ain't doing this little oh here you go shit i throw i throw a fucking nine yard passes to my three-year-old fucking west welker has the goddamn record for that bullshit fucking nine-yard crap hell i'll catch buckshot nine yards away that ain't shit

that's what i'm saying all these fucking records are getting broken now day all of dan marino's records are falling dan marino stood in the fucking pocket he threw the goddamn ball didn't sit near throwing these little bitch ass passes down the you know they there's gotta be they gotta it has to be a new stat okay there's gotta be a new stat where a handoff's a handoff and if you throw the fucking ball it's gotta it's it it's gotta be at least 10 fucking yards how about that we say that we create a new name for whatever the fuck it is when a quarterback drops back to pass and throws a three-yard pass to somebody and does that 35 times a game he just broke bart star's record for most completions in a row he just threw 26

six-yard passes in a row well i gotta tell you frank when uh you do something and you get put in the same sentence as bart star i mean look you know you've accomplished something um i don't know i'm just a crabby old man don't listen to me i'm just fucking saying that's all i'm saying give me a fucking break west welker did something in nine season that took jerry rice 20 seasons to do and you're gonna tell me there's something right about the league there's something right about that well maybe in your world sir and maybe in your universe ma'am but not mine what do you think about that well maybe i don't give a shit what you think about that you ever think about that huh there's a lot of to think about in that all right let's do a commercial here

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burr for a no risk trial plus a hundred and ten dollar bonus that includes a digital scale that i just broke and up to fifty five dollars free postage they're giving you fifty five bucks during the holiday season come on what more do you want don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr burr that stamps.com enter burr all right oh this mold this mold won't leave me alone so i um i know what you're thinking well bill next time you go to a restaurant rather than being insecure about the doctor the doctor party of four why don't you fucking waddle up to him and ask him about you know is it okay to smoke a moldy cigar once in your life every now the guy at the cigar told me

he said he said i'd be fine you know that's how a guy goes to the doctor he talks to some guy he doesn't know who isn't a doctor vaguely describes what he did and goes you think i'll be all right you know the guy goes and you're like all right and then your girl gets on you why don't you go to the doctor because i talked to that fucking guy over there the guy emptying out the trash hey sweetheart you don't make fun of what a guy does for a living okay it's an unwritten rule it's an unwritten rule now you look at down on the ground as we walk back to the car and you don't say good night to nobody pope of grandage village thank you i avoided the not having a thumb part um all right so what what went on in the world this week i had an awesome week i um

did another episode of glee nudge nudge wink wink and could not have had more fun i will let you know when it comes out um and that was my last work for this year and i ain't doing shit babe i ain't doing anything i recorded the podcast earlier today and like i said i was fucking with my dog and uh during the podcast wrestling with her and stuff it was funny as hell but got a little too rough and unplugged my thing here and uh the recording and i lost that podcast and i um still i still think about it sometimes no so anyways i had to make a fucking pie today made an apple pie and uh there's a little collateral damage with the crust on top made it from scratch bitches okay so i know i come off like i'm miserable and i'm cynical but

i like johnny mathis christmas music and i can make a pie from scratch you know what are you doing today i don't want to get old john lennon on you and so this is christmas then what have you done um i got it down the big fucking thing about making a pie crust you can't be intimidated by the flower that's the thing i finally realized i was approaching it like a bitch every year i was like then i'd fuck it up this year i was like i don't give a fuck i got a whole bag of flour you know like a pimp that has a whole stable of horse just sitting there like all right lady you either make this fucking work or i'll get another one in any other place you that was the thing so i'm out in the kitchen right and when you bake you know aside from you know

risking getting gay bashed in your own kitchen when you bake as a male uh you gotta give you gotta put an apron on because your hands are gonna get all sticky so uh believe it or not i don't own an apron and the only apron in the house is the one my mother got for nia and i swear to god it's like this floral pattern pattern frilly fucking thing like if an old lady had it on you'd be like oh my god that's the greatest grandmother ever so i got this fucking thing on you know nia's in the the fucking living room so i'm in the kitchen i got the door closed and she knows i'm making a pie and she starts to smell the philly and uh i do that food network shit where i don't measure the shit out as i as as i you know as i'm making it you know i have it i measure the

shit out and i put it all in these little fucking things so i can just bam bam bam like i'm on a show you know you put the cream in then you add the sugar whisk that together now a little bit of salt a little bit of nutmeg little cinnamon you know bam bam bam bam bam and the whole fucking thing goes whatever your hands get all fucking stick so i'm sitting there right and i'm peeling the apples and that type of shit i go to pick up one and it fucking the apple falls and it lands on two of my little things that already i've measured out and they tip over on the counter and then the apple fucking lands on the floor and rolls across the kitchen now nia always gets on me for my temper flipping out and causing tension and i realized that okay so when i flipped

out rather than screaming i sort of crouched down and i just went something like that with this fucking apron on so nia heard that you know she it wasn't loud but the intensity was fucking ridiculous so she comes bursting in to make sure i'm all right and she's like she's like billy you okay and i came in i got yeah i am fine and then she sees me standing in that apron it might have been the hardest i think i ever heard her laugh i knew i'd look a little stupid but like she almost fucking passed out she like laughed i think for five minutes straight every time she started to stop she started going again you know when someone's laughing so hard you start laughing it was one of those deals and i'm sitting there trying to peel the apples

and she's laughing so hard i got like fucking tears in my eyes and i can't i can't see what i'm doing but long story short long story short i just re-measured the shit lost a little nutmeg or whatever and i cooked it i had a little collateral damage with the fucking dough on the uh the one on top but i gotta tell you it's nice it's a good looking fucking pie to the point i'm gonna i'm gonna post it and i'll tell you as far as looks i give it a six i give it a six now i know once it gets posted to the internet and all you miserable cunts who aren't happy with your lives rather being like being like you know what that's not too bad that's not too bad a job i know you guys are just gonna fucking you know you're gonna tear it to shreds you know when i say i say god bless you i say happy

holidays to you too i'm sorry that your life i'm sorry you didn't get that fire engine under the christmas tree and rather than looking at your parents or your girlfriend whatever the fuck you god who didn't get you that fire engine you're gonna decide to take it out on me and my innocent little pie all right hope you feel good about yourself um what else what else are we gonna talk about oh i know a buddy of mine uh you know the one who was questioning my loyalty to the patriots because i had the audacity to say that their defense stinks uh actually he called me after the jaguars game and said i i think i agree with you now um and then he also he left a message he asked me if i saw the uh the nra press conference you know or as he said the n i do'd you see the

fucking nra uh press conference fuck when he says mold gonna be out of my system according to the guy at the cigar store i'll be fine um as he sells me another cigar um what the hell was i talking about yeah so yeah he said dude you gotta check out this nra thing he goes it's like and he said to me he goes and you know me dope i'm i'm in the middle and i know a million people who say i'm in the middle and they're not in the middle i've said i'm in the middle i'm not in the middle i lean to the left with a nice fucking upper cut or right that's where i am you know i am to the left when it comes to the working man when it comes to the twinkle toes when it comes to you know people wanted to come to the country i'm to the left

you know when it comes to other shit like take a responsibility for your fucking actions i'm on the right no it isn't okay you're a douche go fuck yourself go make it right or go sit in that cell and and pay your dues you don't get a do over it all depends but i'm mainly mainly on the right i'm one of the angriest liberals you'll ever fucking me i guess i'm supposed to be doing i guess i'm supposed to be doing yoga or something i i miss i miss something out on the on the pamphlet or what i don't know what the fuck it is but this guy you know i i got a bunch of people that like versi's another guy he's one of those guys the classic guy who says he's in the middle you know dude you're not you lean this way you totally every fucking issue i bring up you

lean this way and then they always say the same thing dude i'm a precious independent it's the dumbest thing ever give a fuck what you're registered that's a classic thing you you register independent and then argue all one side and then when people just accuse you yeah yeah you're fucking liberal you're a conservative and they go i'm a registered independent well you didn't have to pass a test you know you just you just defined yourself as an independent the same way madison square garden just gives itself the nickname the world's most famous arena you know and then everybody just uh it's the world's most there it is there's the world's most famous arena a cookie cutter fucking stadium a stadium that an arena

that was made during the worst most uncreative time of arenas the world's most famous arena if you can tell me how that thing looks more different than any other stadium during that fucking time then god damn it i'll make you an apple pie what do you think about that um so anyways he goes uh yeah so all you people out there who who think just because you're uh you're a registered independent and then therefore you can just argue the same side of every fucking argument and still you know and then that's your parachute i'm a registered independent hey but my best friend's black you know it's like one of those deals it's your little get out of jail fucking bullshit thing all right i'm here to tell you you're not fooling anybody

all right you're full of shit but this guy he actually i've known him for 20 years and i really don't know how he feels about anything keeps the shit real close to the vest and uh he always surprises me every time i think he's going this way i'll go that way i mean i don't know he might be a contrarian i have no fucking idea he might just be arguing the opposite side just to fucking drive me nuts but anyways he says check out this n r a thing he goes uh because you know i don't really feel one way or the another about it but uh these guys they come off like it's a fucking cartoon like their solution to the gun situation is more guns that's what he tells me so i sit down and like oh i gotta fucking watch this shit get some material out of this right

and uh i put it on and i watched it and i gotta admit i thought the guy made a lot of good points i don't know if i'm gonna get hate mail over this i don't i don't mean i don't have a problem if they ban you know semiotic semi automatic uh fucking assault weapons i don't know what you need one of those for you know if you're using it to hunt you're fucking cheating like how bad a shot of you that you gotta bang bang bang bang bang bang got it i got it i got it sorry sorry i got it got it you know so i don't have a problem with that but like i don't like the whole demonizing of people who own guns that you're just automatically evil it's stupid that would be like demonizing me i use a computer so therefore uh you know i advocate uh sexual predators or people who steal

your identity you know what i mean i mean i i kind of think if you're in the nra you got your gun legally and i think i i would with no stats whatsoever completely over my head no research no nothing i'm willing to bet all right i'm a rang pie it's all gonna be pies this week dad i would say like nine what 99% of the people who register a gun legally first of all probably never do anything most of them probably never do anything more than go down to the fucking gun range and shoot it then you got another percentage that actually go out and they go shoot a pheasant or a quail or an elk or some bullshit like that right but the amount that actually go out and commit a fucking crime or shoot somebody or something i wouldn't you know the problem you

know what the fucking problem is is we don't have a way of weeding out sociopaths psychos maniacs there's no way to find them that's what you need to do if you could do that if you could somehow fucking do that you wouldn't even need metal detectors at the airport you wouldn't need anything they could be a gun in every fucking house no one's ever gonna go out and deliberately do something somebody gotta you know obviously have an accident but shit you have accidents in cars people put pools in their backyards there's people who fucking break their necks shit happens people fall off ladders shit fucking happens there's gotta be a way you know if i was running shit i would you know when you're like on a fucking tangent you realize

halfway through how dumb you sound that was just the moment right there was like if i was running shit yet you listen because you're laughing at me aren't you well i go fuck yourselves i don't care i'm feeling good i made a pie today and what have you done um if i was running shit i would go to the people who came up with that black light that helps you find jizz on a quilt you know and be like make one of those lights for psychos you know and then i would replace all the lights in in the street lights you know with that light which would create jobs you know and then with the surplus of that money we'd have health care

uh just stay with me on this one and it would be like this maniac light and if you're a good shit you have a soul and you have a fucking hat and you're not a cunt it would be this one particular color see nobody would know about this shit it'd be all top secret it'd just be i'd know about it the guys who invented it you know the million people who hadn't unscrewed the old light bulbs and put no you don't have to tell them just tell them it's some new energy efficient thing and you just weed out all the psychos and i know what all the liberals are gonna say and then what are you doing with them do you kill them if you kill them then you're just as bad as they are all right well then i'll go classic right wing we take them we

stick them on a fucking island let them all kill each other now that would be a dumb thing then that would be stupid that would be a dumb fucking liberal way of doing things but we can't kill these people we can't illegally detain them because they haven't done anything yet and then you stick them on an island and then you create this can you dig it fucking island you know god help us when those cunts get organized and i'll come back ashore all right there's not enough will smiths tom cruises and fucking you know what now give me another action hero chuck norris is out there to stop that level of evil that's the thing you gotta um like those fucking people holding up signs saying that the nra is killing children um it's just first of all they weaken

that side of the argument because they're coming off like complete psychopaths you know i don't i found the press really annoying too like they had already made up their minds like they were all over taking pictures of the people holding up the the protesting things and some one of the press guys i'm assuming it's a press guy i don't know who it was but he's in the room you know assuming it's got to be somebody from the press yells at the nra guy and he goes uh what do you think about the protesters and the nra guy doesn't say anything just continues with his speech and then the same guy in the crowd goes uh he goes he goes oh stick with the script it's like dude are you are you still a reporter at that point because you don't sound like one

your job is to go down there and report what happened i'm fine with what do you think about the protesters even then that was borderline because the guy was still in the middle of his statement but but that's okay because it did happen but when the guy chooses no comment that's what you report no comment he goes on to heck well stick with the script i don't know that's because they're fucking idiots man that that's they just i i don't there is no fucking solution until till you can come up with something as much as i was making a joke about having a psycho streetlight that identifies maniacs until you do that i don't give a fuck you know there's still gonna be gonna be problems isn't there

jesus christ look what those fucking maniacs do in the middle east don't even use guns they go down to the home depot they get a fucking thing of fertilizer right whatever the fuck they do when they walk into a food court and blow themselves up then what are they gonna do close down the hardware stores all right i'm gonna move my head uh so this is christmas all right this is cruising along 43 minutes in hey everybody did you enjoy the podcast this year as much as i did well i sure hope you did um oh they also blame video games blaming video games which um i don't know i don't know what to tell you i find violent video games to be uh stress relieving i also find going to a gun range and

shooting a gun to be oddly calming the same sort of calm i get when i make a fucking apple pie i'm not even lying to you i i get that same level of enjoyment because i'm not a psycho i'm a cunt i'm a dick i'm a moron but i'm not a psycho all right i'll stand you you come up with that light i'll fucking stand underneath it all you're gonna see is a bald spot in a in a in a beautiful soul all right plowing ahead here by the way people i got so i got a couple of gigs coming up in 2013 um in january i'm gonna be at flappers flappers comedy club in burbank california absolutely love this club and uh i'm hoping to have a couple of uh up and coming heavy hitters

opening for me i haven't reached out to anybody yet but um flappers in burbank and uh that's gonna be on january 10th two shows we'll give you the links and everything if you go to the podcast page on billburr.com and then on november 26th i am gonna be out in honolulu hawaii at the uh hukilao fucking what the fuck's the name of the goddamn things i'm the worst see what why do i why do i talk myself into these damn corners oh because you're not organized build you know you don't have any sort of you know set list this oh fuck yourself um oh i thought it was gonna be up on my website what the fuck is it whatever just look you do the work look up bill burr and fucking hawaii and you'll see it it's january 26th

i will be there and uh and i'm going to the pro bowl you won't be able to miss me it'll be me and fucking 83 other people in hawaiian shirts it's gonna be awesome and then i'm at the wilbur theater boston massachusetts my old stomping grounds where i started wilbur theater right across some nix comedy stuff where i started march 2nd 1992 on an open mic night night long long time ago uh wilbur theater february 21st two shows and february 22nd one show and other than that the only other thing i have that's on sale right now is may 30th in baltimore maryland i'm at the mary hoff symphony hall doesn't that sound amazing you know loud i'm gonna be at the symphony hall i'll sound like a fucking seahawk fan

so all that artificial help um all right back to the podcast here so let's answer some questions here if you'd like to email me it's uh uh what the fuck is it i think it's bill at the mm podcast dot com we'll have that link up there too i haven't said it in so long i forget what the fuck it is um all right this is terrible whatever you guys aren't even working today are you you know aren't you home putting on a sweater uh questions from new zealand so you know what's great about new zealand was at a christmas party last night and i met some woman there and uh she was saying how in world war one that when great britain declared war in germany that new zealand felt because they were their colony both them in australia they had to

follow suit so they told england that hey we're right there with you and you know what england did did they mix them in with their troops now you ever see that all quiet on the western front that trench warfare we had gas masks because using poisonous gas wasn't considered illegal in war mustard gas and all that shit hand to hand fighting shit in a fucking hole some of the worst conditions ever that's where they were sent all those people up there they were all from fucking new zealand and australia not one english man had the fucking balls to go there in the trenches at least this is the way the person from new zealand explained it to me i might have exaggerated a little bit but i'm also trying to get some emails here not one english

man had the balls didn't have the fucking balls they were all sitting there with winston church holding hands you know having a biscuit um no but seriously listen to this shit the total number of new zealand troops and nurses to serve overseas in 1914 and 1918 was a hundred and forty hundred thousand four hundred and forty four from a population of just over a million ten percent of them over ten percent a roughly ten percent of their population fought in the war 42 of the men of military age served 16 697 new zealanders were killed of course they were they sent them right to the front and 41 317 were wounded during the war a 58 casualty right you know this is the kind of shit england does and then i go over there and

they start giving me shit about george bush you know it's like why don't you fucking clear off your register there ian before you come in at make i can't even remember the last time something from england gave me shit about the foreign policy i just like fucking pissing them off because then they keep listening and then the next time i play the lester square theater hopefully they'll be there then maybe they yell some shit out we have a good time all right question from new zealand um i live in christ church new zealand oh jesus christ church all one word i live in christ church new zealand by the way i'm going to midnight mass tonight with nia's mom oh boy oh boy with the fucking choir keep in mind that jesus christ

um two two years ago we had an earthquake in new zealand i didn't hear about that then again i don't pay attention to shit two years ago we had an earthquake which wrecked the city and killed a couple hundred people it almost killed me too now for three years i've been going out with a great girl she's nice smart caring fun to hang out with and i'm not sick of banging her problem is her cousin got killed in the earthquake oh sorry to hear that and ever since then she's been terrified the aftershocks have all but stopped now but she hasn't recovered every time a truck drives past on the road outside my house she flinches and trembles sometimes she cries randomly she won't move away from the city because all of her family is here and i'm pretty

much at the end of my rope aside aside from this she might be even marriage material but i just can't deal with this anymore on the day of the quake i was within 20 feet of being squashed like a grape by a four-story building that fell in the sidewalk i just been walking on while she was having lunch in a park so i can't sympathize with her mental mental fragility anymore it's been too long with no improvement i don't even know how the fuck i expect you to help me i guess i just want to complain without anyone i know in real life calling me an asshole for it because the perception in my social circle is that i have to just deal with it but i'm not sure i can do it for another two years anyway that's my problem any advice would be appreciated come and do a

show in new zealand sometimes because this is a great country for a tourist and i can't be bothered going to the states to see you and aside from that enjoy what might be the longest range go fuck yourself for the week cheers mate take care um well as mean as you sound i totally relate to that and you kind of sound like a little bit of a walled off psycho which i also relate to so you're probably you know despite the fact the building almost fell on you which is kind of a stretch i consider a building almost fell on you like it starts to fall and you run out of the way not that i was just there 20 minutes ago yeah you and a thousand other fucking people all right um but anyways yeah i i totally get what you know i get it i get it two years of

every time a truck goes by she starts shaking doing that yeah fucking driving nuts after a while at some point you got to grow up and get over it you know it's like living with the fucking chihuahua sitting there with his eyes all bugged out shaking and peeing in the fucking corner at some point you know you got to grow a dick have you asked her to go to have you asked her to go to therapy maybe she'd do that that's what neah suggested when she did she did the first podcast that i lost uh she's not available now she's unavailable um she suggested that you um ask her to go to therapy just sit down and say listen i'm concerned with the fact that you're still this traumatized by the earthquake and i want to help you get some help and start with that

and if she doesn't get help and she keeps shaking and trembling in the corner and peeing like a little yorkshire terrier um i don't know dude you either got to break up with her or you got to lay off the booze because something's gonna something's gonna you're gonna snap at some point she's gonna be like you're gonna be a little drunk and you could you've had a bad day you're having a couple you're throwing them down the fucking chute right and all of a sudden whatever happened somebody blows their nose next door and she's doing that shit and you're gonna be like you're just gonna look at her and imitate her and then and that's gonna fucking destroy her you're gonna do that Jesus that just sounded creepy when i did that but it's good it's gonna happen so i try to get her help

or i would get out of the fucking relationship you know i mean it's been two fucking years it's been two fucking years okay and uh you know she's acting like it happened two weeks ago yeah two years that's that's plenty of fucking time to get i mean you never get over losing somebody but like to still have it be that fucking raw that you know somebody can't even break wind without you you breaking down crying is is uh you know i mean maybe she's that sensitive and if she's that fucking sensitive and you're not i don't know sometimes opposite attract but i don't think it is in this case uh that's it all right 24 year old virgin on first date hello bill and possibly neah sorry she's not here this week she was during the first taping i'm sorry um as should be deduced

by the subject line i'm a major pussy i've had absolutely zero romantic experiences in my life i took some pretty brutal rejections when i was in high school and have been too timid to try my luck since it's not like i'm a cowering blubbering mess when i'm talking to women either i just think tend to think why bother i know what she's going to say it's a loser mentality which is stupid i know so what do you need my help for sir you know you're being a pussy and you know you're you're you're psyching yourself out you know what's going on huh you know what the deal is all right let's keep reading by now there's this girl who's really interested in me i'm not used to that feeling oh come on dude what's what the fuck is wrong with you

by now there's a girl that's inching me and i'm not used to that what are you a fucking cyclops you can't believe the kind of guys that women are interested in they're not just about looks you know they're about senses of humor uh money sorry out of there they like other shit um we met in an in an english course she's attractive way smarter than me and funny as fuck we have a lot in common and she's almost a single cynical and blackhearted as i am she's perfect she's got a lot of issues though within the within minutes of the first time we talked she started telling me about how she cuts herself oh Jesus and about how often she tries to kill herself all right right there dude it's over right there it's over okay and he goes on to say

she's bipolar and schizophrenic all right guys if you're gonna make up emails can you try to do a better job and not make them this fucking over the top dude you used deduced in the first fucking sentence of your email and you're too fucking dumb to not know to get away from this if this is true i'll play along whatever it's christmas i'll play along let's just act like this is true she's bipolar and schizophrenic oh that's great she cuts herself tries to kill herself she's bipolar she's schizophrenic you know i think that i think uh it's all there bipolar and schizophrenic that's like the two-piece meal at kentucky fried chicken with the side of cutting yourself and to go big gulp of suicide there you go

that's what you want to let in your inner circle uh she's told me that she she has a slew of characters that talk to her which uh go fuck yourself all right nice try buddy okay i'm done with this email all right introspective drugs hey bill love the podcast and i've got gotten a lot of my friends to listen to you in the last few months i'm a 49ers fan i love hearing patriots fans bitch when they get beat well you don't hear that a lot do you huh let me ask you a question are you good at catching punts you want to play that game sir huh haven't won anything in 20 fucking years how'd you like that seattle beat down you know what i here's my p carol impression for you how many times did you see this last night that sounds too much like rick flair i gotta get some

nfl films audio of what he sounds like when he said when he does that anyways he goes i know you hang out with joe rogan and a lot of famous la comedians and i'm curious if you ever are willing to get down with mushrooms or any kind of psychedelic substance um get down with it get down rip rip um not like today or next week just any time in the rest of your life you seem like the kind of guy who would be balls out laughing making everybody else laugh with introspective insights oh there's no doubt i would have a great fucking time if i ever did it but that's that's really what scares me you know what i mean like when i listen to people who've done mushrooms i listen to it it sounds fucking awesome it does but uh you know there's a

price that you pay when you do shit like that see i like being ignorant you know what i mean like walking into nature sober is is awesome to me because i don't know that if i was on mushrooms that i i would be enjoying a tree that much more the fact that i never did it like you know like the first time you get high if you shoot up with heroin like those guys chase that every fucking day no matter what they do see that patrice game wasn't that unbelievable compared to what you know once you've shot up it's it's it's only so fucking enjoyable so drugs scare me because i know that i would really enjoy them and i've seen what they've done to a lot of people's lives and um and i'm not literally saying you end up on the street homeless i'm not

talking about that extreme thing i'm just saying how i've seen a lot of people waste a lot of time and talent and potential and all that type of stuff but um i do not question why people do them at all you know i would love to hallucinate you know i'd love to talk to a sneaker why wouldn't you talk to everything else that can talk at this point i'm gonna you know be a new experience but the problem is i just feel like i would i i would love it and uh you know that's why i don't do it anyways there's a lot of comedians talk about weak topical shit but it seems like you have a deep vein of intelligence that a certain audience hones in on oh i get it i see what you're buttering me up you want to do mushrooms with me so this is what you're treating me like an

18 year old incoming freshman you know you're the most beautiful girl here you're not like the others no dude i'm i'm i'm not saying i never would but like i just i'm not going i i know myself too well the shit i do with alcohol isn't that enough enough of a fucking sign you know i'm gonna be buzzed tonight when i go to church that's dessert i can't i can't show up near his mom there with booze on my breath i wasn't raised like that you know when i tell you once that guy breaks open the wine i'll bits all bets are off underrated a flask flask at midnight mass you know what's the great thing about a flask is if somebody catches you with it all yet all you do to get out of it is you you look at him you do that nod and you give him a little toast

and then it's just so awkward they have to nod and kind of give you like a fucking black power fist back to you what are they gonna do you know anyways girlfriend jealous of dog dearest william i watched your standup special my girlfriend and we loved it oh thank you very much um anyways my girlfriend is jealous of my dog the dog is small and i have often have it laying with me on the couch sleeping in bed with us um of course i'm cuddling with my girlfriend at the same time while you cuddle with a beast i know it's a little dog but still you know so you got like you got a little threesome going on there i kind of see how why she would be annoyed but she still complains that i'm more affectionate with the dog and is often mean and abusive to

the dog pushing her around calling her slut slash whore etc has this happened to you am i out of my mind or is it strange for a girl to be jealous of an animal all right dude here's the thing um you need to stop sleeping with your dog when your girlfriend's there you got to know that humans are higher up than dogs okay treat your girl with a little more respect okay first off and secondly you need to dump that woman okay that whole shit there like getting jealous of the dog is one thing that jealous of the dog she's just upset that you're probably saying way more lovey-dovey things to the fucking dog and are way more affectionate to the fucking dog caress in the dog petting it way more than you are her

so that's normal but when she takes to the point of the bizarre calling the dog a slut or a whore and then hitting an animal pushing around on any fucking level that's that's a done deal right there all right if those street lights were there i don't know what color she would come out but it wouldn't be the color that i am all right old american here apple pie and chevrolet fuck chevrolet i like fords but you know what i'm saying that's what you got to do you got to curb your attention you're giving to your dog and you got to dump that woman that's it anyone who's mean to a fucking animal is there a piece of shit and that's the tip of the iceberg it's the bronx tail lock the door test right there you're out see you all right overrated

underrated uh bill i love the podcast and listen to it all the time i think there are way too many overrated sports cliches for example give 110 percent taking one game at a time at the end of the day etc any halftime interview with any coach what do you think bill what's your opinion on sports cliches are they overrated or underrated if so what are some of your favorite slash most annoying ones um all right well this time of year they always have the classic i'll tell you they're the eight and six team nobody wants to play they got that one um they always have that team the best team with the shitty record that nobody wants to play uh the the one that the coach will say i'll tell you you give me 22 of those guys give me 22 of those guys and i go undefeated

they don't make them like that guy he's a throwback that guy's a throwback the lovely nia everybody just walked in you walked in later already went by the whole thing what are some of the other ones oh i this is the one i hate the most i'll tell you you hate that guy but if he played for you you'd love them they always say that about those dirty pieces of shit that go and like deliberately blow somebody's knee out and end their career and for the record i wouldn't love them if they played for my team i wouldn't i don't like dirty pieces of shit whether they're wearing the uniform of the team that i love or or that i hate i don't like those guys so um i don't know if that's an overrated underrated but i gave you overrated underrated

underrated uh bringing a flask to midnight mass is underrated and uh hey nia come over we only got one mic come over here for a second how was uh how'd that pie look that pie looked amazing it was i walked in and i was like it was beautiful you did a great job and how manly did i look in that apron i don't understand why you won't allow me to tweet pictures like this well i think because i get in because i get enough shit yeah that's why help them out but it would i yeah i laugh for uh a solid five minutes on that one that was that was good it was great but that pie looks amazing i can't wait to have it tomorrow all right so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna i'm gonna

fucking send out the picture of the pie yeah and watch they'll shit all over that they'll shit all over it that's a pie did you already brought somebody's face somebody take your shit on it do they know what a gourmet cook you are though have you talked about that how you're really your skills in the kitchen have become quite good thank you that was that was that was near a compliment it is a compliment and you made that that prime no the braised short ribs which was amazing braised short ribs he made braised short ribs bought this beautiful bottle of wine it was very romantic it was still and it was delicious too it was like restaurant quality good yeah overrated cooking it's not that hard all these fucking jackasses on the food network

and this is blah blah blah this is gonna confuse and that's it takes a certain amount of creativity i think you know to like make something really special anyone can make a buy the book recipe but you gotta add your own little you know that's all i'm doing that you got a jazz thing they own what don't ever don't ever do that again no i don't i just follow the recipe word for fucking word well that's it when you get more when you get more confident you'll be able to improvise a little bit more you won't have to do that you'll just be like i'm making this today and you'll be why seem insecure when i'm in the kitchen i'm sitting there wearing a woman's fucking apron you are you you are wearing my apron yeah that your mom gave me so it was kind of like well either

way i laughed yes you did all right well merry christmas nia and merry christmas happy hanukkah happy kwanzaa merry christmas everybody to to everybody and thank you everybody this year everybody coming out to my shows everybody who's listened anybody who's advertised on this podcast podcast podcast god bless you go fuck yourselves we got one more monday left in this year i hope you guys have a good time don't know and i know there's gonna be some douchebags at christmas and in law it's just somebody you don't fucking like and uh just whatever don't don't engage for the sake of your mom your dad or just everybody and other even the person you're with just don't get involved in it all right and just i don't know i don't know have them go stand under the street like see what color

they are all right that's it go fuck yourselves the laissez