Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-24-18

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

Bill rambles about having a day of rest, boys vs. girls, and quitting your job.

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2018, oh, it's the most wonderful time of the year You went to your last fucking Christmas party and you stopped your fat face And now your wife is going to drag you to midnight mass God for fucking bid, are you like me? God for fucking bid, you just stay home one day 24 hours, just fucking stay You wake up, you fucking go down and get some breakfast You scratch your bush, right?

Then you mosey on into the fucking living room You turn on the heat, turn on the heat and build the fire Right, nice toasty fucking house God for fucking bid God for bid, you're lazy about doing fuck all as they say across the fucking way there Right, God for fucking bid Now, there's always has to be some fucking social event you have to go to

It's un-fucking-believe, I'm literally telling her going like Listen, this is my time off, this is my time off And then it's just going to, immediately January 2nd, 3rd, whatever the fuck it is I'm on a plane to fly to the other side of the fucking world To essentially do two shows a night for ten straight fucking days Oh, freckles, here ain't a spring chicken anymore Can I fucking just, can I just stay here for fucking one day?

One fucking day, can I fucking have one fucking day? Well, I thought it would be nice You know what it is to do at the end of the day? They don't give a fuck And if they're not slowly killing you, you're not still married That's what it is And all these broads out there bitch moaning and complaining Specifically the white ladies about how difficult it is

You know, the number one stat, how long you live You're winning that one So, go fuck yourself with your fucking bean countin' Whatever the hell they're doing I saw some ridiculous tweet there the other day They were talking about the top ten fucking grossing comedians And this other comedian writes all male And it's just like, how is that guy's fault?

How the fuck are you gonna put that on guys? You know, if you look at his senses, there's more women than there are guys So, I mean, I don't know what to tell you I just don't know what to fucking tell you You know, write a better act You know, ladies, get out there and go see some female comics Support it better than you support the WNBA You know what I mean?

Fuckin' sittin' here yellin' at us all the time You guys are not exactly team players out there Yeah, alright, so why don't you look in your holiday mirror Take off your stupid antlers Jesus, what the fuck, it's just everything has just become that Why doesn't this light white switch work? Ah, because of a white male? Um, anyways

This is the boohoo generation Um, anyways Happy holidays, everybody I thought I was like, man, this is fucking new year This is Christmas Eve, I don't have shit to do And it's just always gonna be something Every fucking, it's like, how is there always something? Even God, every fucking six days

He had one fucking day where he didn't do shit And he created the universe I'm a fucking ant On a fucking, I'm a universe on the top of a fucking pin Whatever those fucking potheads say There's a line I'm gonna use to my wife Just out of curiosity, how am I working harder than the creator? The creator of the universe gets more days off a year than I do

How the fuck does that work? I think you're being a little dramatic I don't think I am, take out a calendar Oh boy This is what I do now, I just go out to the garage It's soundproof now, because I got my drum kit here And I just, I lose my shit and then I come out And I just fucking put a smile on my face

Like fucking Chuck Willary, that's what I do And I laugh and I rub my brow like, oh God, you're killing me That's fucking incredible You know what I want in the new year? I want one day off a week, okay? If God needs a fucking one day, I should have two Maybe that's why we only work a five-day work week, right? Because if we only took one day off, then we would say that we were on God's level

Do you realize the amount of days off that I don't have Puts me that I'm actually working harder than God A couple hundred years ago, or 26 years ago in the South I would actually be killed for this What I would be doing was be considered sacrilegious That I was putting myself on a higher plane That I could actually sit down with God and be like, oh what you do? Oh yeah, well that's pretty impressive there

Almighty maker of everything But let me ask you this What's that big goose egg on day number seven, on Sunday? What were you doing then? Ah yeah, you put your big fucking creative feet up, didn't you? You got your holy hammock over there, didn't you? Well guess what, I kept going Huh? And look at me!

Look what happened to your creation You know, you think if God could come down and he'd have enough time to fucking bang a virgin You know, he could maybe fucking yell down my chimney every once in a while And be like, hey, hey sweetheart, ease up You know, ease up on it Maybe they could do that to all the fucking married women out there How about you guys, how about you do that in the fucking New Year, ladies? I know we have all this fucking work to do

God knows I've seen enough award shows this year Of women giving me lectures on how to be a fucking man How funny is that? Roy, if you're a good man but you're a bad man And the bad man says you're good, shut the fuck up and get your trophy Jesus fucking Christ The fucking lectures and all these fucking guys With their balls tucked behind their P90X thighs

Just sitting there in the crowd, they're tuxedo I don't want to get in trouble I'm telling you, somebody's got to do it out here in Hollywood One of these award shows, somebody has to throw a dinner roll It just has to happen, I mean if it's happening to me, I mean equal rights All right, I'm ready, all right Anyways, you wouldn't know this but I was actually In a good mood ten minutes ago until I realized there was yet another fucking thing

I got everything done, okay, the fucking trees decorated The fucking lights are up, all the gifts are wrapped The last fucking gift that I was getting my wife, the cherry on top The cherry, the cherry on top All right You know I just fucking, let me just finish that thought I finally got that gift, I have it, there it is Here it is, this is what you mean to me, all right

Now, can I have a 24 hour period? I just stay in the house I stay in the house Nobody's coming over, nobody's fixing anything I don't have to get in the car and go down and go fucking get something I stay right here I don't read, I watch TV I fucking relax, I put my feet up

And for one day I'm treated like a king Is that asking too much? This is like one of those stupid topics on one of those fucking ladies shows Ladies, do we need to treat our men like kings occasionally? I'm not saying you're not a queen I'm not saying... Anyways, what are you guys doing for Christmas?

I'm still, you know, this is my last podcast holding my headphone jack here Like a terrorist, you know, with my thumb over the top And I don't know Then I guess my life gets easier I'm really playing the victim on all this I should just be like, no, I'm not doing that And you know what's funny? My wife would have no problem with it So what does that go back to?

Oh, it goes back to the childhood That's what it goes back to I grew up with the sit down and shut the fuck up We had that carved into wood And hung up on the wall Sit down and shut the fuck up But now I get it Now I get it

You gotta get married and you have to have a kid To truly understand your father Then you get it It's like, oh, I totally get him now I totally get the guy You know, just coming home What? I don't know Come on, get out of here

Anyways, speaking of broads Jessica Kerson everybody You know You want to talk about somebody who you ladies should be out there Fucking Supporting So there's not more people whining about the tour money That people are getting honestly out there

Jessica Kerson May it all woman This is one of the fucking funniest comedians out there For a long fucking time All things comedy, we're doing is special with her Taping January 11th At the Highline Ballroom in New York City I'm so excited for this

I'm telling you You watch what we're doing in all things comedy Paul Versey special, by the way, is streaming again On Comedy Central It's broken all their records for streaming Online And it was named one of the top 10 specials on the tarot bang Of 2018

So congratulations To the pride of Trenton, New Jersey Paul Versey And then we got Ian Edwards coming out We got Jessica Kerson with you Tell me I'm telling you We got some fucking

We got some good specials coming up In 2019 Can you believe that's the end of this decade? These last two decades have flown by Because they haven't really named them You know Where it was the 60s, it was the 70s It was the 80s, it was the 90s

And then it was just nothing It was all about, oh my god, Y2K Is my fucking flip phone not gonna work? How will my refrigerator work? How will my refrigerator work At one second past 12 am Huh?

We're gonna party Like it's 1999 Still be playing on my stereo That's what we worried about And then all of a sudden nothing really fucking happened There was no arm again I think a couple people's like little Those little handheld things with the

Stylus that everybody loved having back in the day I think a few of those crashed But everything else was fine Everything else was fine And we were so relieved That We never named the decade And we just started invading people

I don't know what Trump is doing right now But I love bringing troops back I'm all for that Considering all these fucking wars That effectively bankrupted this company This country, well it's just a big corporation now Bring them all back

Bring them all back Legalize weed, put up some solar panels Put the Middle East out of business Export the fucking weed Get everybody high Right, pay off the debt Everybody thinks we're chill again That's what I would do

Alright, in any country that still Has a problem with us We'll send them some free t-shirts Couple of sex dolls Whatever the fucking Trump did Fatty over there in North Korea Whatever the fuck he did with them They went over there, they sat down

You know, they had some jalapeno poppers Right, he got over He brought over a couple of fucking Blonde-haired blue-eyed whoos Okay They gave him the old Sweet and sour chicken there That's a hooker move

Anyways, I don't know what To tell you, I don't know what's going on In the world of politics I don't pretend to pay attention I just, you know I'm a man of the people Who doesn't want to see the people That's who I am, I'm the man of people

Who just wants to stay at home in his fucking house Alright, that's all I want to do You know, I like the regular people I like the regular guy In any country just walking down the street And he's excited because he has That little moment to himself The pub here

Have a quick little fucking beer and a shot Alright Come on with this stupid look on my face My wife's talking to me, I'm not listening I'll just kiss her on the forehead Pinch her cheek And face plant onto the couch Anybody who's doing that

In any culture, any race, any continent You're alright with me, I believe Isn't that what most people are doing? Most people, you know, you got a family You just want to fucking feel okay You know what would be great if all the people Of the world just looked at the world leaders And just said, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

Relax Relax Settle down Everything's going to be fine Okay, you're in a palace You're in a big white house Okay, everything's fine You have plenty, you have your own jet

Okay Fucking relax Everybody take it down a few Right, wouldn't that be nice If you could just get everybody on the same page But you can't even put up a fucking YouTube video Without everybody screaming and yelling at each other I miss most of that

Kansas City, Seattle Seahawks game But I'm going to talk about it nonetheless Alright, I'll tell you right now I would be concerned If I was a fan of these Kansas City Chiefs from Kansas City, Missouri Not Kansas City, Kansas Kansas City, Missouri

I would be very concerned Okay, Andy Reid Is a great coach But when he goes up against other great coaches He's got to come out of there with the win Andy Reid up against old sneaky Pete Carroll Old pistol Pete, boom Out of USC

Right as the wolf was at the door Ran out the back door Right up to Seattle Sneaky Pete You know Pete Carroll It's how good that guy looks You know he's a year older than Bill Belichick He wouldn't know

Pete Carroll looks like he's about 55 The man's pushing 70 Great shape, full head of hair You know Not a line on his face Across the way you got Andy Reid The every man

Looks like he drives a fucking snow plow You know, and you just knew You just knew Pete Carroll was going to figure out a way to get it done You know what everybody's flipping out about Patrick Mahones, you're forgetting about Russell Wilson You know, you're just taking the guy for fucking granted I would say that

The Seattle Seahawks are the 7-7 and 1 Whatever the fuck their record is They're that team nobody wants to play Oh Jesus Who the fuck is that I know who the fuck that is I don't know, somebody over in Asia Got my fucking cell phone number

And every day You know, I don't pick it up And then I listen to the voicemail And I hear this lady's voice Just going, ah you call me For the bank for 1-800-625 Like some sort of fucking I don't know what it is for

But no idea Maybe it's Kim Jong-un's Fucking secretary in this sick of me Making fun of him on the podcast What would you do if that guy called in You know, fucking scared, I would be Even though he's in the whole other fucking part of the world To have a dictator call you up

Think about the first syllable that word Dick Right, I'm telling you right now There's a reason why, that guy's a dick Maybe that came from dictator, did it? Should I look that up with that interest you Um Anyways, I missed most of that game

But you just, you just fucking do You knew Pete Carroll wasn't gonna sit around And get his fucking ass fired In Seattle, no matter how many people he lost And I gotta commend that owner For sticking with him They know what they got up there Pete Carroll, he's gonna coach for like

What do you think, another 10 years? He's obviously hitting the elliptical Every day, he's eating the steamed vegetables The guy's a beast What do you guys put him In the coaching History I mean, I know he's got one

Oh, we needed that second one Oh, we needed You need that second ring You know, to get in the conversation Um, anyways, you know something else I'm getting sick of this fucking Miami Dolphins every fucking year With this undefeated thing and the 72

Dolphins still going on 1970 fucking 2 When are we gonna quit Glorifying that They went undefeated In 1972 With two white running backs That's how fucking long ago

That was, Jesus Christ 1972, they barely invented The Frisbee, the Frisbee was like a decade old Um, and you haven't done Shit since then Listen to the Dolphins fans talking shit About that, that literally would be like A Nix fan

And they would be ridiculous If they start talking some shit They haven't wanted since 73 They got a fucking year on you Um Anyways Uh I don't think

My Patriots, I don't know man I don't know And that dude we got from the Browns Poor guy relapsed and now, you know You just hope he goes and he gets Self taken care of there Um, I hope they don't suspend him for good I'm hoping that guy has a full recovery

Comes back and fucking has the career He should have had But uh I don't know I'm looking at the Patriots, now that we have home field I figure we can win one I don't know about another one But you never know with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

But uh If we're not gonna win I want us to lose in the first round And play all these other teams That I really want to see do well I would love to see Kansas City Or San Diego How about the Cleveland Browns

Can they make the playoffs Like I said, I got the kid now So I watch as much as I can Um I saw Baker Mayfield staring down As old fucking coach Bit of a classless fucking move You know to be in the prime of your physical life

To be staring down somebody Jeritall Um but You also got to love somebody That plays for the Browns at the quarterback position Having a little bit of swagger Um Seeing happy Brown fans

Seeing Brown fans with hope You know That late in the game I mean I haven't seen that I want to say since the 1980s Um When they played in municipal stadium So that's great to see

I love seeing the Texans doing well Even though they lost to the Eagles That was weird yesterday Having to root for the Eagles I can't remember last time I was in a position where I had to root for the Eagles I got to feel what it felt like To be a fucking Eagles fan Yesterday

No thanks, I'll pass on that Fucking cunts, can you just put somebody away Um What else did I see I think that was it I watched a little bit of the Bruins Playing the Hatford Wailers Did we lose that game by the way

We were up like 2 to 1 And then you know my kid woke up from her nap Bruins vs Hurricanes Did we lose that game Ah fuck me Ah we got smoked In the second period

Three goals to one So that put them up 4 to 3 And then they scored another one Ah you sons of bitches I love that they played the What was it called the brass something Or other They played that the old Wailers song

When they used to score goals Ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba ba You guys remember that Wailers goal song What was it, it was the brass something Or other, brass bonanza They'd score a goal right

And then they'd play this song Right here if I can unmute it That's how old I am This song was played In national hockey league games Ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba

And it was at the pro level I'll tell you what's weird I just realized this I tweeted about it Do you know the Hartford Wailers Have been The Carolina Hurricanes For one year longer than they were ever The Hartford Wailers, how sad is that

They were the Hartford Wailers For From 1979 To 1997 So what is that, how many years is that That's 70 years, 17 years 18 seasons And from 1997 on

They've been the fucking The fucking Carolina Hurricanes You know what kills me is I never went to a Hartford Wailers game It was right down the street I could have got there and like I don't know how long but it just seemed so far away to me back then I was living just outside of Boston I could have got there, no traffic

In like 45 minutes an hour And I never went One time my buddy had tickets And he's like, oh but I already asked this other guy And then the other guy said he wanted to go I'm like, ah no worries It was a Bruins vs Hartford Wailers The Hartford Wailers

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba ba ba ba What about the Houston Wailers fight song Houston Wailers Houston Wailers Houston Wailers

Number 1 Remember that Oh shit Look at that football Here we come Houston Wailers Number 1 How much work did horn players get back in the day? Oh that's not really true

You've yet to win a Super Bowl Here it is Houston Wailers Houston Wailers Houston Wailers Number 1 There you go There you go I was watching this whole thing on fucking Earl Campbell

I was like, I remember that song That's how easy it was back then Every song started the same way Ga ga ga ga Brrrrrr And then some horns came in And then some guy in a tuba just go Boom boom boom boom

That's it Then now, you know, because of these fucking DJs They stripped all of that away And now all we're left with is just the tuba Baseline basically Boom boom boom Boom boom boom And then the trumpet comes in

Ba ba ba ba ba Two trillion dollars in national debt Anyways I don't know what I'm talking about here Everybody That felt good The top of the podcast, I might have came in A little hot, but it felt good

To get that out of me You know Um I'm gonna fucking Work out and eat well I haven't drank in 30 days That might be another part of the problem 30 fucking days

Three zero So Christmas tomorrow is gonna be a 31 an official, you know Month No boozing And all I gotta do is just get through that day My wife is trying to convince me to have A friend of ours

Got this really nice I'm just gonna say no Yeah, let's drink it on Valentine's Day I'm just gonna keep pushing it Pushing it, pushing it, pushing it I'm an old dad and I gotta fucking grow up I got a lot of growing up to do And all the bullshit I did at the top of the podcast

You know something? That had more to do with me than anybody else That's what I'm realizing I need to learn to express What it is that I want What it is that I need and I gotta stop acting Like I'm fucking 22 years old It's over Bill

Grow the fuck up Houston Oilers This is what the fuck I'm doing 50 years old This is what I look up online Oh remember this game That's what the fuck I do Just become this sad man

Anyways My lovely wife is gonna throw down My lovely wife who deserves Such a better guy Is throwing down She's making some lamb chops Tomorrow Which is gonna be fucking delicious

And I'm just drinking the club soda That's all I'm doing And I'm gonna try to maybe play a little bit of drums Early in the day That's it Alright And I already know

You know My kid's gonna have a great Christmas She doesn't quite get what Santa Claus is But she loves the tree So next year it's gonna be on You know It's gonna be a lot of fun So anyways

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That's DollarShaveClub.com Oh who's texting me Who is texting me Oh somebody wishing me a Merry Christmas Isn't that nice That's the kind of thing that you like Around Christmas Hey how come only Santa Claus

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Can I come up a little bit short Houston Oilers Houston Oilers number one My ticket prices would have been higher But men came in and made them lower That's why I'm not on that list I would have played a bigger venue But men came

And chased the crowd away That's sexism Name checked in a rap song A Billy Goat Gruff Just giving you a heads up That you are mentioned by name in a new song Iron Claw By Zarface

Inspector Deck from the Wu Tang Wu Tang Clan And 7L And Esoteric from Boston Ghostface killer is on the track But unfortunately the mention of Got the filter Of Bill Burr obviously comes

From the white dude from Boston Well what's wrong with that What are you ashamed of being a cracker Keep up the good work and maybe you'll have Better luck next time Oh Jesus look at this poor bastard He doesn't like his fucking cream colored skin That's gotten him his fucking townhouse

What's the matter Are you guilty with all your privilege You should go on tour Evidently you'll make more money than the broads out there I like how you totally just fucking Completely disregarded this guy As a musician just because he was white I mean I don't understand what's going on

In the world right now Can we just fucking you know If somebody's good just say they're good Can we do that Are you being counted and that shit You know I love that you know this business Was like completely racist and sexist

Homophobic and all of that type of shit And now to correct it Now they're gonna go the other fucking direction They don't know how to do it It's like it's not about an algorithm It's not a formula Just whoever's the best Just give it to them

Whoever makes you hot sink Hire them Okay where are my boys vs girls Dear Billy wrong balls Oh god my balls are wrong too I thought it was just my mouth Now my fucking nuts are dragged into it An accessory to the crime

You mentioned a few times how glad How you're glad you have a girl Versus a boy I have one of each and I can tell you for sure That it's not the case Alright so basically what you're gonna do Is what I did I based the whole world On my wonderful daughters

Evidently you don't have a good daughter So now my daughter's gonna be bad Not that boys are better They're just different girls are very emotional And their attitude is way more defiant In different ways Ironically misuse of the word Parentheses

My four best friends All have one of each as well And we have had this talk a bunch of times Alright now he has numbers on me Alright now I'm losing We're all different people And parents that have different ethnic backgrounds Fuck

He's got a great algorithm going here And one conclusion we came to quickly Was that it's a trade off Some things are way easier with boys You're a man who's been around So you know that there are major differences In the ways boys and girls and men And women process things

Dude can you just let me enjoy When she's a kid I don't need to know that she's gonna hate me When she's eight My daughter is very kind and very polite But at times she can be a bit How do I say intense Once again I'm not trying to convince you

That boys are better Just that you'll see when girls can be a handful No I didn't think it was gonna be an easy ride I'm just saying That boys are animals They're lunatics Like the first ten years of their life Or eight, seven, eight years of their

Their lunatics Can you give me that sir? I gotta respect you cause you're further down the road Than I am so you got the experience on me I'm still a rookie here I'm about ready to start the sophomore jinx Year number two I'm already two years in

Next month again Not a blanket statement I'm sure your daughter will continue to be an angel But she has yours and Nia's Spitfire jeans I can't really show it in a few years If she hasn't already No she has

She has I'm happy you're glad you had a daughter And not trying to convince you otherwise So don't call me a cunt I just think you're being a bit naive Go fuck yourself Just fucking call me naive You argue like a broad

You see this literally said I'm gonna tell you something Not trying to convince you otherwise So don't call me a cunt Now I'm gonna call you naive Food for thought I'll go fuck yourself That whole fucking thing

That guy can go fuck himself Hey not trying to be this, not trying to be that Just saying you're way fucking wrong I'm not trying to convince you otherwise Just saying you're a bit fucking naive That's some food for thought It is some food for thought Why don't you go fuck yourself

You're not me and I'm not you And I'm very happy for you When you're united Benetton colors Of fucking friends that you have But you guys can all go fuck yourselves Alright Jesus fucking Christ I gotta be honest with you

You didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know Women are more emotional Gee thank you for that Jim I never noticed that men and women Process things differently Now you know something Let's go back to this I have one of each

Not that they're better They're just different You had like your hands up the whole time You know You fucking gun belt around your ankles And then you took a giant shit all like That really bugs me I like it better when people go hey Bill

You don't know what the fuck you're talking about Alright at least I know where you stand Great and I'll still get upset Alright shitty new bosses I already know I'm gonna hand it When my daughter gets upset with me I'll just be hey hey hey alright Alright

I get it You'll talk to your mother I don't understand these things Hey there Hey there Billy no boss My company just got bought out I have a boss I work for Netflix My company just

Got bought out and this job I love Will be majorly affected By this corporate shit house I've had a lot of freedom to be creative And innovative but that's all gonna go away Yes it is, here comes the algorithms Bum bum bum Don't have fun, don't fuck each other

We're a fucking corporation Pour this shit in the drinking water Who cares if babies Have birth defects I've been told that there will be a set of guidelines Put in place that will essentially Rob me from all the joy I had It's really heartbreaking because

I just reached the point where I am able To make good money The new bosses came in and started talking to us Like they were existing Problems that needed to be fixed This is of course ridiculous because They bought They bought us

Because of how well we were run And how innovative we have been Should I just quit now so I don't have to deal With everything that is to come I've saved a lot of money but it's a unique job And I'm not sure I'll be able to find anything In the near future, well then I wouldn't quit it God bless anybody in the corporate world

That deals with stuff like that and you know When they come in you can't tell them To shut the fuck up Because what's going to happen is They're going to ruin the company, they're going to make it worse And no one's ever going to step to them And say that you know you guys took a great Thing and you made it less great

Slash fuck the whole thing up No one ever tells them that because all they do Is look at the bottom line I have to you know I've watched enough fucking documentaries And shit and listened to enough people like They have to just like Corporations the way they do business

Needs to be fixed Because it's just a fucking Runaway train It affects our foreign policy It affects people's quality of life Everything from how much money they make To like the environment How polluted or not polluted it is

And until you get a I don't know because politicians Have their money pouring out of their pockets Like they've just fucking They're treasonous People that just yeah They exist without fucking borders They're the worst, they are the fucking worst

We can agree on that boys first girls The corporate mindset Is just fucking insane Merry Christmas everybody My girlfriend The aspiring model Same shit different toilet I'll rush through the generic intro

I'm dating the girl of my dreams You've been exclusive for three months But I've been dating for a total of eight months She's gorgeous, her beauty has no boundaries I've been in other serious relationships before But none quite like this I'm truly in love with my best friend Fuck's shit up

Well who the fuck is that Now I gotta look that up He says yada yada yada you get the gist Who the fuck is Nicholas Sparks that he Shits out models Alright I gotta look this up Houston Oilers Nicholas Sparks

Not movies You fucking cunt Oh god I fucking I fucking hate Fucking cunts You wanna talk about a corporation that just infiltrated my whole life Now everything I have Is like run by those cunts This stupid round building

He's a novelist What the fuck I didn't Well no wonder I didn't know who it was The guy writes books Alright hang on a second Merry Christmas to all my friends and readers He writes books Nicholas Sparks is one of the world's

Most beloved storytellers All his books have been New York Times Best Sellers Jesus Christ and I don't even Back in the day I knew who the I would know about a guy like this There's just no more bookstores Ah he's got a sweater

Over a button down shirt He's leaning up against a fucking pole On a dock I mean this guy is a quality Human being Nicholas Sparks is one of the world's Most beloved storytellers All of his books have been New York Times Best Sellers with over 105 million

Copies sold worldwide In more than 50 languages Including 75 million in the United States alone Sparks wrote one Also a male Sparks wrote one of his Best known stories

The notebook Oh I get what you say You're like living a chick flick I get it now Something Nicholas Sparks Shit out Okay so I guess he puts out a lot of product Anyway she's an aspiring model

And pretty good at her craft Her and the camera get along great Anyway her lack of experience Has her still getting offers from unknown photographers In particular a guy She's done a few shoots within the past Who wants to shoot nude And without pay fuck no

Obviously I have a problem with this I want her she doesn't need to be naked Don't do that I want her to pursue her passion But this in particular doesn't sit right with me I've never met this guy he's not paying her to shoot And what's her reasoning for wanting Naked pictures of my girl

I've watched enough Jerry Springer Forensic files not to trust it definitely She talked to me wanting My blessing which makes me feel worse I told her my unease about it But in the end I trust her And will be okay if she goes ahead She wants to model so I'll have to get over

Things like this no you don't But right now it's a tough pill to swallow Any advice or comic relief you could provide Would be appreciated thanks and go fuck yourself No fuck this piece of shit And then he's gonna sell these These naked photos of her when she Fucking gets somewhere this guy's a piece of shit

He's not even giving her cab fare To get over there No Fuck this guy with his artistic Nude shots This guy's a fucking creep He's going over to her apartment That guy is a fucking creep

He's a fucking creep He's gonna jerk off to the pictures Okay Any first year fucking cop would tell you that Alright You gotta go worst case scenario here Dude fuck this guy All day long

You have to tell your Girlfriend That Being a model doesn't mean getting naked You don't have to do that shit That's just fucking creepy shit There's no fucking Reason ever for them to do that shit

Ever Give me a scenario why they would have to be naked They're a fucking model You're modeling Clothes, you're standing next to a refrigerator Being like wow I really like that refrigerator Now because that woman's so beautiful

You don't have to fucking sit there with your tits And you clam out What the fuck is that for Why Why does she have to be naked Jesus Christ a fucking two piece bathing suit Is gonna show pretty much everything No I would say no

I would say I got a bad feeling That this is gonna come back You're gonna have a great career This is gonna come back and bite you in the ass You're bare ass Alright You're going over to this guy's apartment He's not paying you and you have to get naked

And he's taking photos And this is somehow gonna further your career He's gonna send these fucking photos around Your parents are gonna see him This is a bad fucking move Say what I just said Without the angers in the F word Alright worst dessert

Dear Billy Baker balls My aunt makes a peppermint cake Every year and every year I look at it Like why would anyone want a cake That tastes like toothpaste Was wondering if you had strong feelings About any desserts that have crossed Your holiday table

Merry Christmas to you and your two angels Ah let's see here I don't like coffee so I don't like anything Coffee flavored Um I don't like marshmallow I don't like s'mores Yeah I don't like anything with marshmallows

I don't like I don't like candy in my cookies Like M&M cookies Or snicker bar crunches Like that's just this unholy Fuck It's like you're already eating a cookie Do you gotta jam a fucking

I don't like any of that I'm either gonna have ice cream Or gonna have a fucking cookie I'm really not gonna have any of that shit anymore Cause I kinda got sugar out of my life Although the holidays has come back a little bit The first time you have something with sugar After you haven't been eating it

You're like dude what the fuck is this It's terrible, it's terrible for you Um But I like pie I don't mind a little whipped cream on my pie Or maybe in an a la mode You know My wife told me to make a pie

Ah Christ Never ends does it When will it ever end When will it ever And who Who's that the Kingston Where have all the flowers gone Long time passing

Remember that Where have all the something gone A long long time ago The Kingston Trio Yeah I'm not into marshmallows I'm not into fucking Coffee flavored anything

I love the way coffee smells though And I don't like Yeah I don't like incestuous desserts Where the fucking Cookie fucks the candy The candy gets inside the cookie That's just for super super

Super fat people I don't like this speedball Like it's not enough to do heroin or just to coke You gotta fucking do a speedball You know Speaking of which how about that Aerosmith song Combination Isn't that a great song

Walking on Gucci Where any safe around Barely stay on cause I'm so goddamn gone Dollar Shave Club Dollar Shave Club has already talked about this right Did I? I think I did I did both the reads

Well that's right I was doing the Shitty new boss What a way to start the year Worst dessert Oh that's it Am I done? I can't be done That's only oh 5150

Wow it was almost 5150 Anyways you know what sucks is we didn't do a holiday card until late this year You gotta do it right on Thanksgiving That's what my buddy told me last night The great Al Madrigal let me know That man does everything right Alright let's see what I can bullshit about for the next few minutes here

Oh god yeah I was at this fucking party last night I can't say the comedian's name I'll tell it someday on his podcast So I met this I met this holiday party last night Last night was a great party by the way I had a fucking awesome time at that You know to the point I was one of the last people to go

There was a comic there And he had lost like 20 pounds And he was already skinny so he's like yeah I lost 20 pounds I'm fucking psyched right And he's one of those people that he then keeps tabs on everybody else So he sees me go over to the buffet And I got like four shrimp And I got a bunch of lettuce like salad or whatever

And he's looking at me because that's all you're eating And I knew it was fucking with him Because he's one of those people like In order for him to feel good about being in shape Other people have to be a little out of shape You know he's got to He would be laughing right I'm not being a dick to him he loves this shit right

So he goes that's all you're eating And I knew what the fuck he was doing I was just like yeah man I can't eat that other stuff Man I'll have to take a nap So long story short we're there for like four hours And I get fucking hungry So my wife you know Fixed herself a nice plate

And I saw she had a slider I'm like oh god I'd love one of those So I fucking go up And I go to the uh this is like Fucking two two and a half hours After I talk to him About eating the lettuce and the shrimp right And I grab a slider and I'm reaching

For a quesadilla like a little triangle A quesadilla and I just hear this guy way off Across from there you go There you go bird There you go right and I know it's him So I'm like this motherfucker This guy right so I deliberately Ignored him because I wanted to see

How fucking important it was for him To rub it in that I was eating bad And there was a bunch of people talking And it was loud so I deliberately Turned and walked towards him And I was looking down at the plate And he's going louder there you go There you go bird there you go

There you go like that And I fucking looked up And I put my hand on his shoulder And I heard you the first time I just wanted to see how much joy You would get it to and he was crying Laughing I was like what the fuck is wrong

We had the funniest fucking exchange last night I was talking to him And I said something He totally made this Face and he goes what And he kind of stepped towards me When he said it and I said dude Don't get my fucking face and start getting argumentative

I'm just making a fucking statement you cunt And then he goes I wasn't getting Your face or whatever right and then like It took me a half hour to process And I was like oh wait This guy's been to a zillion concerts He plays guitar his hearing is shut And I walked over and I started

Laughing I was like dude I didn't realize You were a little hard of hearing I thought You were being a dick and we were just laughing Our asses off that he was so fucking Old that now he goes why When people talk to him and then I'm such a fucking defensive cunt I got in his grill like he was being

An asshole to me I'm not even drinking And that happened Oh my god that made my night There you go there you go burr There you go There you go stuff your face So I can feel good about being in shape I'll tell you if there's one thing

That I love in life it's a miserable cunt And this guy is he's right He probably figured out who it is at this point Miserable cunt plays guitar Um Is happy When someone else is failing I might as well say his name at this point

And he's one of my favorite people in this business Um Anyways As I threatened As I threatened I've been feeling Like going back to church and I'm going to church today Or this evening I should say

This is one of the things I have to do today That I'm actually looking forward to I actually really enjoy Going to church with my whole family Because that's something I did when I was growing up I don't believe a lot of it But the underlying message Before it goes

Takes a left turn and we have to go kill some people As all religion seems to lead to God loves you And you love him And he just wants to love you and be happy And these other people we need to kill Um I take it just as like the

It's just a nice reminder to be a good person And I would like to start going again You know I'm trying to turn the fucking ship around I lived a Is it hedonistic? I don't know what the fuck it was But I have boozed way too much

Over the last Through my forties And I said I was going to slow down I was going to go staying in my fifties All right You remember me When I'm doing yoga All the fields are foggy

I never did Down dog lightly I want to fucking eat better And I just want to stop fucking boozing Oh god Am I going to do that thing? Am I going to be, now that I'm a dad Am I going to start pretending to be who

You know, who I'm not Am I going to set an example? I'm not going to lie to my kid God knows I can't, I've got plenty of fucking Podcasts to listen to Dad, did you drink? Oh yeah Oh yeah, oh yes I did

Yes, yes, yes I did And I did it too much And I wish I didn't It was a mistake Um Anyways, having said that, how long is this booze? No booze, we're not going to go If I get through tomorrow

I feel like I can get through all of January And I'll be getting ready to do a special Somewhere, I'm going to figure out where I'm going to tape it And Then I won't drink So I'll probably go like to April That would be a good thing Give my liver a nice fucking break

You know what I mean? Like what's his face? Urban Meyer That's what my liver is like every couple of years It's got to take a break You know, for health reasons I'm actually going to the last game That legend is going to be coaching Man, that's something else

Where do you put him in the lexical Of great college coaches of all time Man, you got to put that guy up there And the fact that he was dealing with that fucking cyst in his head To the point he had like Bend over at the waist, you're like Is that guy going to die? And he plowed through that Can you imagine how much shit his wife was giving him?

I just don't think he should coach anymore That's all I'm trying to say You're making it worse Anyways So what are your goals? I've had the same goal for fucking 30 years One of the goals, a drumming goal And I'm fucking sick of it

Am I ever going to be able to play Good times, bad times? I'm once again trying, you know what it is? I don't have this stick-to-itiveness Even though I keep playing drums I keep doing what the fuck, I love playing them But I just can't focus on anything To get anything up to speed

I get everything up to like 80% I could play good times, bad times At about 75 BPMs I'm fucking 25 fucking BPMs away Beats per minute for all you non-drummers out Let's see, let me fucking find out what this is I should promise you guys I'm going to do a drum cover of that song

Dressed as John Bonham I'll put it on my Patreon page Let me get it down Let me see here Good times You cunt Bad times BPMs

Beats per minute BPM Good times, bad times, BPM What do you got? What do you got? What do you say there? What do you say there? Clicking 94 I am 19 BPMs away

I'm just going to keep playing it at 75 Until 75 is a joke And if I have to move up to 76 BPMs If I just have to fucking inch my way up Like that, that's what the fuck I'm going to do Um Cause that That cute little

Kid there Who played it this year, I was just like What the, you know It's just that kid, that belief That kid was like It kills me too, it's 2 minutes And 46 seconds long The bass drum lick that I want to play

Is literally, you know Boom, boom, then I mean, what does that take? A second and a half? Then at the end of the song Boom, boom, then Boom, boom, then Boom, boom, then Right?

What is that? 4 seconds? 5 seconds? That is fucking Helped me up for 30 goddamn years Um That's it I'm going to do a daily Fucking report, a weekly report Make sure I stick to this

Where I'm at, but you know what sucks? I'm going to get up to maybe 76 BPMs Right? And then I'm going to do this 10th fucking day running Europe and by the time I come back My foot's going to feel like some old lady Alright, that's it everybody Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah

Happy Kwanzaa God bless all of you I hope you had a great year I hope next year's even better for you I hope you go after for what you want in life Because you only live once goddamn it So what do you give a shit if you bomb? At least you're going to be an old man saying

I wanted to do it and I tried And life kicked me in the nuts But at least I tried Turned my scrotum into a speed bag But I kept coming back Someday on YouTube, 90 year old Finally gets good times Bad times down

Then I cry and keel over and die Alright, go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you on Thursday Ho ho ho Bicyclers, better for nature And for all of us