Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-11

Episode Date: December 27, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about McDonald's beat down, divorce laws and Christmas gifts.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. What are you going to do with it? You're going to sit around and look at those gifts that you kind of wanted but not really because some cunt didn't buy you the right thing

despite the fact you fucking wrote it down? Yeah, no turtlenecks. I don't want any fucking turtlenecks. I know but I just thought you might like this one. What made you think that, sweetheart? The fact that I said I didn't fucking want it! I'm not yelling. This is frustration. Oh, you fucking yell too.

What the fuck is with people? They sit there and they bitch, right? And they go, oh my god, you're so hard to shop for. I just don't know what to get you. Just make me, see, make them a fucking list. You give them four goddamn things and what happens on Christmas? You don't get one of those fucking things, right? And you're sitting there going, ah, I don't want to be a selfish cunt

but what the fuck? You know? You told me you wanted the little kitty carry all fucking goddamn iPad thing. Didn't I go out and get you that motherfucker? It's unreal. And you know, it's just, every fucking year this is bullshit. Or they get you the wrong fucking color.

I'm telling you. It's the most frustrating fucking thing ever. So then what happens? It's after Christmas and now you gotta go return all this bullshit or just go online and buy yourself whatever the fuck you wanted anyways, right? Isn't that what you gotta do? And I don't know right now, this is, you know,

I know Christmas is, you know, totally an American holiday here so I don't mean to close out or shut out any of my fucking listeners over there in Europe. I know you don't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. I get it. It's part of our history. Santa Claus is American. I just love doing shit like that because I know a good 15% of my European listeners

actually thought I was serious that I didn't think that they had Christmas. Do they know it's Christmas time? I know you guys celebrate Christmas. You know why? Because the Vatican is over there in Italy. Bellissimo. Those El Dente douchebags with their big fucking hats

walking around trying to tell you how to live life as they steal gold from Jewish people in the fucking World War II as they play a little patty cake with some eight-year-old nuts, right? The fuck is wrong with you? How long can you sit there? Look, I get the seven deadly sins.

I get the ten commandments. Just live your life that way. All right, but for the love of God, you know, it kills me about people who really get into this shit, you know, and I guess I should respect them because, you know, for all I know, this stuff's 100% true, but my gut tells me it isn't. My gut tells me that's a bunch of made-up fucking stories

by a bunch of goddamn psychopaths. That's what my gut tells me, you know, and I've been watching a lot of Oprah lately, okay, and I'll tell you something about that big fish-eyed fucking jackass. She says to go with your gut, all right? And like the Catholic Church, she's also worth a billion dollars. Okay, so I'm going with her fucking wide flat-ass sitting on that big fucking sofa,

telling me how to live my fucking life. All right, Oprah, you broke through. You broke the seal. I'm listening to you now. Go with your gut. Well, that's what my gut tells me. You know, I remember when I was a kid, when I was just a lad, when I was just a tyke,

when I was somebody who didn't have a license and I rode around on a bicycle because no one was scared of pedophiles back in the day because there weren't any. They were just called dirty old men. Stay away from them. He's a dirty old man. You know, and they always had on dickies,

you know, and their dick was hanging down to their fucking goddamn knees, right? Stayed away from them. We didn't have video games, so we were in good cardio shape back then. You could run away from a fucking dirty old man. But anyways, when I was just a lad, when I was just a child,

I used to listen to all those heavy metal albums, and that was the big thing in the 80s. Oh my god, these albums are making people do shit. That is evil. It's making them kill themselves. It's making them kill others. It's causing them to do drugs. It's causing all this fucking shit.

So what would they do? They'd try to take Ozzy Osbourne with that suicide solution. They'd try to take that out of the stores. Remember Rob Halford, huh? That gay screamin' queen that none of us knew was gay despite the fact he did everything in his fucking... that he could possibly do to let us know that he was blowing people at the end of the concert?

We didn't know. We had no idea. They came down on him. They tried to get rid of Judas Priest records. All that shit. All of that shit. You know what kills me? I was thinking of this the other day,

that if the Bible was a heavy metal album, I mean, you fucking kidding me? If any heavy metal album caused the amount of deaths that the Bible did, caused the amount of people to go fucking crazy, you know, that the Bible did, that shit would've got yanked right out of record town, right out of strawberries, records and tapes,

right out of good vibrations. Remember all those record stores? You know? It would be over. But the thing about it is, it's making too much money. You know? It's like the Michael Jackson thriller of albums. It's just, it's a fucking money maker.

It keeps people in line. There's a lot of good stuff about the Bible. I mean, I really think that if they didn't have some sort of religious moral code in the world, people would just be walking around shaking their dicks at everybody, wouldn't they? I mean, think about that. If there was no fear of going to hell,

how many murders would you have under your belt at this point? At least psychotic fucking beatdowns. Wouldn't you have a bunch? You know? Oh, better yet, when you got your fucking ass kicked, how many would've gotten killed for some of your fucking behavior? Every once in a while, you see a glimpse

of what the world would be like if we just fucking threw down, which brings me to our one and only YouTube video of the week. I think I see the beatdown of McDonald's where that dude was standing there and these two ladies came into the McDonald's. It's the one right down there on, you get off the West 4th Street, E-Train,

right there down in the village. You know, two blocks over, Joe's Pizza. That's a good slice of pizza. Right as you come out of there, Spike Lee's probably filming people playing basketball and handball, going yo, this is New York City. Right, I trashed him on Twitter yesterday. He was talking shit about my Boston Celtics.

You know, so I said something, but I kept it funny hoping that he would still put me in one of his movies, you know, and I could either play a complete nerdy white guy who doesn't understand black people or an over-the-top racist. Um, anyways, I give a fuck. Get me in a movie, I'll do it.

So anyways, that McDonald's down there. So these two ladies, they walk into the McDonald's, okay, and they try and buy a goddamn Big Mac in a Happy Meal, and they throw a $50 bill on the counter, right there, major red flag. Who the fuck pays for McDonald's with a $50 bill? Who even has $50 and is gonna go into McDonald's? Nobody.

There's not been a $50 bill in McDonald's since they started that fucking place. So these ladies try to pass this 50, and the guy behind the counter, he starts looking at the 50, and he's like, excuse me, ladies, I don't think that this is real. So they go, listen, motherfucker,

you better give us a goddamn fish fillet and whatever, a quarter pound of with cheese, and give us a fucking change, or we're gonna fuck you up. And he said, I don't think so, and then this girl just hauls off and slaps the guy, slaps him, and then the other one, and then she climbs up over the counter,

and now the other one just starts really slowly just walking around the counter, like, well, I guess we gotta fuck this guy up. This is what we do, and the guy backs up into the Fryolator area, and I don't know where the fuck he found this goddamn lead pipe. It was like a cart, you know, like in the cartoons

when Bugs Bunny would just sort of, you know, he'd be standing sideways. He'd have a side view, and he'd have a problem, and he would just turn to the blind side, and all of a sudden he'd have a giant hammer, and he'd hit Elmer Fudd over the head, and you'd be like, where the fuck did that come from? Was that leaning up against his right rabbit leg,

and I didn't see it? How did Elmer Fudd not fucking see it? I don't know what that gigantic head of his, how did he not view that as a threat? This guy did the real-life version of that. He was backing up, backing up, and he was next to some French fries, and next thing you know, he's got this lead pipe.

Oh, and he just fucking starts wearing these girls out with it. Bam, bam, bam. I gotta give it up to those girls. They took a good three-four each, and then they disappeared under the counter, and he just keeps fucking hitting them. Bam, bam, bam.

And this lady's going, Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! And he just keeps fucking going. Like a fucking, like this bitch is screaming. It's like those little doggie toys. You know those little doggie toys that squeak?

You know, they make those little noises. You know why dogs get so excited? Because it sounds like a fucking animal dying. And it taps into their wild animal side. So this bitch is thinking she's helping shit. She should have been like, excuse me, is that something you really want to do? Instead she's going,

Stop it! Stop it! And this guy's, he just fucking, he won't stop hitting them. Will not stop fucking hitting them. Alright? So, you know how this shit works. Fucking two ladies attack a guy.

Doesn't make a difference. They can sit there and slap you around like you're a fucking cartoon. You're supposed to be like, um, they're women. I need to respect them. This guy said, fuck that. Fuck that. And like, Bugs Bunny turned to the side and there was this magic lead pipe

and he fucking kicked the shit out of both of them. So of course, he gets arrested for assault. And I gotta admit, I was totally supporting what he was doing through the first 37 hits. It's the last 19,

then I'm just like, alright, alright. Okay. Okay. Nia was saying he actually was like that dude in Drive when he stomped that kid's, that guy's head in in the elevator. He kinda went to that level. But at the end of the day, I'm like,

well, that's why you don't go around slapping people in the fucking face. Because they might have gone to magician school and they know how to magically have a fucking goddamn lead pipe out of nowhere. Alright, so this guy's going to trial and I'm thinking there's no fucking way.

Then you find out this dude actually has a record. Jail. For manslaughter. Alright. And he got out. And there's only two places that you can get a job after you've gone to jail for manslaughter. You can either get into show business

or you can work at McDonald's. Alright. You can't get a job at fucking Macy's. There is a glass ceiling. When you go to jail for fucking manslaughter, that's it. Unless your dad owns a company.

You can get into sales. You can sell somebody a fucking piece of shit car. But you're not selling them Mercedes. You're going to be at Sam's Hot Car Lot down the street. Alright. Reservoir Dogs. Anybody? That's why right there. Okay, before I even

continue talking about this story, that right there ladies and gentlemen is why you don't walk around slapping perfect strangers in the face. It's because you don't know their back story. You don't know what

they've done. You don't know what they're capable of doing. This is a guy who already took somebody's life. And you're looking at him like, oh, hey, what's up there, Mick French Fry guy? Take this 50 or I'm going to slap the shit out of you and you don't realize

that this guy has been in fucking prison. Alright. He probably knows how to turn that piece of paper with Ulysses S Grant. Turn that into a fucking shank somehow. He figured out how to fucking do it. You know what I mean?

So these two ladies get an unbelievable life lesson. And why you can't walk around acting like you're some action hero in real life. So anyway, so it goes to trial

and I can't fucking believe it. I'm like, there's no way this guy's not getting convicted. He's fucking he's a guy. He beat down two women with a fucking pipe. He went above and beyond with this shit and he has a record. It's fucking over. Right.

It's over. He's not rich. You know, it's over. This guy is going to jail. I can't fucking believe it. He got off. The guy got acquitted. So for once on the podcast, I'm

actually happy. And I can tell you this if they convicted of of a lesser charge because he just kept hitting them. I wouldn't have been mad because I would have been like, dude, they were down. They were fucking down and they were down

and then they were part of the tile and you was still fucking hitting them. We have this clip, by the way on the podcast page has now been turned over. The new fan page is just billbird.com. You just go to my podcast page and

anyways, we'll have the video up there and I'll let shit. So anyway, he got off and they charged the women with shit and I don't think that they're getting off. They'll probably get lesser because they're because they're women. You know what I mean? And that's just women always get less time, it seems

to me. Because at the end of the day the judge thinks, well, maybe if I give them a little less time they'll come over here and blow me under my robe. I don't know what the deal is. I told you that story a few weeks ago when I saw this amazing trumpet player

and I was like, man, I've never heard of this guy and I found out he was murdered by his fucking girlfriend in 1972 and she got out of jail in 1978. I would go to jail longer

for parking tickets than she did for killing a guy. Shot him right up on the bandstand took out a gun and fucking shot this. They had an argument. She left she came back with the gun and she shot this dude on the fucking bandstand all these goddamn witnesses and

she did that in 72 and was out by 78. So let's just say they flew through her trial sent her right to trial she still only did five and a half years I don't know I don't know how that fucking works

um and I bet she was able to forgive herself the fucking sociopath that she is and she was able to go on and live her life and then that guy is in the ground cold as his goddamn trumpet so anyways what does this all mean people what does it all mean this is what it means it's the day after Christmas

alright who's kidding who you got some of the stuff you wanted you got a lot of shit you didn't want and you got some other shit that reminded you how fucking old you are alright now you're in this sort of lull in between Christmas

and New Year's alright you're probably at home you're visiting some relatives or even worse your goddamn in-laws and you're in this miserable state okay and you got this weird feeling of like I just want to go home alright but when I go home

I have to go back to work and the bullshit starts over again is there no end is there no fucking oasis that I can look to well ladies and gentlemen I have a suggestion why don't you buy yourself something nice huh

better yet why don't you go on amazon.com holy fuck is this a commercial I think it is I finally figured out how I'm gonna try and make some money on this podcast this is what you do people alright who's kidding who you know we all thought

about the people who had less than us we all did that yesterday alright but that was yesterday and now it's today it's time to go back to being the selfish cunt that you are that I am that that guy sitting across from you on the subway right now as you fucking listen to this podcast is alright

go out and get yourself something nice alright if you want to fucking help me out with this podcast just go to billburr.com you click on podcast and if you look on the right hand side of the page right under where it says to click on iTunes to subscribe you'll see amazon.com

shop earth's biggest selection if you click on there and you go to Amazon and you buy something they're gonna kick me some of that cash ain't gonna cost you a fucking dime extra not gonna cost you an extra dime alright

and you'll actually kick some money to me for doing this podcast every fucking week and then you know what I'm gonna do 10% of everything that I make I'm kicking over to the wounded warriors project okay so what are you killing three birds with one stone alright you make it up

for the fact that you got that awful fucking turtleneck that you didn't want alright now you're going out and getting yourself an iPad or some shit that you really wanted see you're satisfying that meanwhile you're kicking me a little bit of money you giggle every goddamn Monday and then on top of that you're helping out the soldiers

who came back who got wounded that right there is what's known is hitting a fucking trifecta ladies and gentlemen I can't do any better than that the great thing is is you don't even have to fucking do it it's totally up to you alright you cunts can I make it any more

easier than that so please if you're gonna buy anything on the internet please do it on amazon.com and go through my website on the podcast page click right on that box I'd really appreciate it you know because I'd like to buy myself some stuff

you know eventually I'm gonna get a chair down here you know I'm laying on the floor right now with my head leaned up against the guitar case of a guitar I can't even fucking play one of these days I'm gonna get the balls to start playing my guitar on this podcast you guys can hear how truly fucking awful I am

despite the fact that I've been playing for years so anyways what are we gonna talk about this week on the podcast we are 20 minutes in 20 tremendous minutes in this has been a good podcast so far it's been a lot of passion it's been a lot of screaming

anyways oh I know what I wanted to talk about how about a moment of silence for another two for the next two great men who are about ready to be sliced in half by their fucking ex-wives

how about a moment of silence for Kobe Bryant that fucking warrior okay who had an injury to his fucking right hand that would have kept most people out for half a season he didn't even miss a fucking game

showed up hitting all kinds of big shots an absolute fucking warrior he is about ready to have to fork over $190 million to his fucking ex-wife

and I'm gonna talk to all the fucking women right now who are going that's right that's right you know this is what I want from you guys this week alright I want you to justify the fucking divorce laws in this country

I want you to justify them I want you to tell me why she deserves $190 million I want you to justify it don't just go well that's cause that's the law that's what the law says so there you go

I don't want that I want you to justify it like if I asked you why is murder illegal you wouldn't be like well that's the law that's what it says so that's what you do you'd be like because life is the most

precious thing on this planet and everything has the right to be alive and you need to respect that you only get one life and for someone to take your life is the worst thing you could do that's how you would defend that law I have fucking

racked my brain to try and justify how anybody is entitled to $190 million of somebody else's fucking money remember that story I told you last week

sure we all do I'm gonna bring it up this fucking guy got accused of rape gets convicted, goes to jail 25 years in fucking prison they find out afterwards through the new DNA

technology that he didn't fucking do it without a doubt we had the wrong guy you know what he got for 25 years trying to make sure somebody didn't stick their dingaling in his fucking door knob didn't make sense, whatever

he got 4 million dollars 4 million bucks this bitch has been living high on the fucking hog for 10 fucking years you know can't even hit a fucking layup on a goddamn nerf hoop

set and she's gonna get $190 million fucking dollars ladies I want you to justify you fucking justified that to me that is the biggest crock of fucking shit ever you know what I love

he fucked around, he fucked around yeah he did fuck around so he should have to pay for it $190 million come on that's fucking ridiculous some guy gets falsely accused for rape spends 25 years in Rikers Island

people slashing each other's faces throwing boiling water on each other people getting raped all this fucking shit you gotta go through and you only get 4 million dollars this bitch is gonna get $190 million I love how it's looked down upon to cheat on your wife

but it's totally fine to tell somebody when you really don't just because of all this shiny shit that they have you know look at this, look at this woman he fucked around on her, she busted him 4 or 5 fucking years ago the relationship's over

the trust is gone that relationship was fucking over why did she stay cause he bought her that big yellow fucking diamond really that's why she stays and then what does she do she wanted out right then

she wanted out right then but that money was too fucking good and that bitch stuck around that big yellow diamond showing it off any fucking where she could right and then what does she do she hangs around like some jaded cop trying to get her fucking pension

she sticks around for 10 fucking years the second 10 years comes around she gives herself a Christmas gift fuck yourself by the way that'll cost you $190 million alright in my world

this is how that would work if she wanted the entire $190 million I'm really burning a lot of material here cause I'm gonna fucking vent about this on stage so you're hearing this first this is like when you hear one of those zeppelin songs before they fucking polish it off alright

this is too good not to fucking say on stage I have to do this shit I have to say so myself or maybe I just love ranting about this shit this is how she should get this fucking money alright hey hey whatever your name is Bryant

you know it's not amazing how you never know what their fucking names are cause they don't win any fucking championships do anything this is how I think that she should get the $190 million alright you start off no matter what

you're getting $30 million okay which is plenty of fucking money you raise a whole goddamn family on that living in a nice fucking house and have a nice car and still have $20 million left over alright

so no matter what you're getting $30 million you want to get up to $190 million let's go down to the Staples Center sweetheart alright we're gonna start off easy you give them a basketball you fucking have the whole place jam packed with people screaming at her shaking the signs

and blowing air horns right alright if you hit a layup missus whatever your name is Bryant we're gonna give you another $5 million right she hits that you move to the next round then you go to the foul line you want to take another $20 million you gotta hit a foul shot and everybody's screaming

just have a bunch of fucking divorce guys sleeping on futon standing behind the backboard screaming at this bitch you hit that you move to the half court line you only get one shot too just like Kobe at the end of the fucking game how he made all this money

by hitting the big shots when there was fucking 20,000 people screaming at him who didn't want him to do it you go to the fucking half court line you hit that what are we up to that's $50 million we'll give you $50 million

$50 million if you hit a half court then you go to the full court you go full court if you hit that you can even hit off the backboard we don't give a shit you'll get the other 90 that's how you get your 190 why don't you fucking earn it

it's unreal Mel Gibson's wife Mel Gibson's wife has she even shot a home movie she stands to get he's worth at one point was worth $800 million she's gonna get $400 million I want somebody some female

some human being out there with a vagina to send me an email I want you to justify justify $400 million tell me why I don't think you can do it other than say well that's what the law said ha ha twist and hair right

it's fucking ridiculous do you know in some states if you're riding in a car with like a girl who's not of age and she's in her bare feet that's considered statutory rape does that make any fucking sense it doesn't doesn't well I'm gonna tell you right now

these fucking divorce laws make as much sense as that they're like these old archaic fucking laws this is the thing you know there's a lot of disadvantages to be in a lady but you know one of the main advantages

of being a woman you can be an absolute fucking bum you can be a bum you can have no fucking job no drive you can not achieve anything in life

and still come out the other side worth $400 million do you know what happens to a guy if he's a bum he's a bum he's fucking homeless other than Steadman

Steadman whatever the hell he is he's the only guy I ever saw that figured out how to be a fucking bum oh there's a actually let's be fair Kevin Federline Kevin Federline is a bum

that guy is a bum Britney Spears even built him his own goddamn recording studio and he still couldn't make a hit then they get divorced and what does he do he gets on his ass and becomes a fat fuck you know getting Popeyes fried chicken

off of Britney Spears alimony payments he's a bum so I guess it can be done but come on who's kidding who it's very few and far between you know I don't know maybe women are coming up maybe they are making more money

I saw those Christmas ads those Lexis ads where these women were buying their guys cars I was sitting there I started acting like a woman when I saw that commercial I was like Nia why don't you buy me a car like this fictitious couple that we see on television

that really bothered me seeing that commercial where these women were out there buying cars not because my male ego couldn't handle some broad buying me a car it's just the fact that they're putting this out there was multiple commercials as if this shit is actually going on as if there's so many fucking

women out there buying fucking men's a car that is worthy of putting it out there like this is some mainstream shit that happens hey fellas how many guys how many your male friends got a fucking goddamn Volkswagen forget about

Lexis for Christmas anybody you see any of your male friends walking outside screaming like a bitch in that bathroom jumping up and down looking at some shiny new car with a big ribbon on it has that ever happened has that ever happened I bet Oprah did it

I bet Britney did it who else Sandra Bullock she married a bum that's another guy you know those guys ought to write a book because they're really treading on some female shit like how to live like a Hooters chick as a guy

you know how to just be an absolute fucking bum and still come out the other side of goddamn millionaire I gotta be honest with you I couldn't fucking do it if I was a fucking bum alright let me just let's just say I was married to somebody

some lady right and she's just running some goddamn empire coming home every day dressed like fucking Nancy Reagan you know goddamn brooch just to let you know how powerful she is and she's buying me all this shit I have to why I would have to leave

the relationship I would have to leave and she'd be like but Bill you have nothing and that's the point I got nothing I'm a fucking loser I feel like I feel like I'm 14 years old and I'm still living at home with my parents

I can't I don't have a job I don't have any goals am I doing anything I'm just fucking sitting here going to the gym okay I know what everything costs on the price is right I shouldn't know that do you understand that I'm sick of playing tennis

with the maid I have to do something with my life this is fucking pathetic I know I thought it was what I wanted I know I got a fucking my own sports bar the beer's on tap I got the NFL

NBA NHL and MLB packages and I'm still not happy because I'm a bum Mrs. Reagan alright I'm out of here just give me time to find a job in a one bedroom apartment or a fucking studio

I have to get out of here you know but these broads don't give a fuck Kobe Bryant's ex-wife is a bum and she's going to be worth close to $200 million do you understand that probably doesn't even want a game of checkers in her life

you know maybe she was good at shoots and ladders what does she do I bet she has some bullshit online business that's what those rich broads always do so they can act like they have some fucking business but still stay at home and they're fucking jam-jams

I'm working on a computer you know going to fucking usmagazine.com all fucking day you're a bum Mrs. whatever your name is Bryant you're a fucking bum you're a bum

get a fucking job the fuck is it going to say on your tombstone suck the right dick oh man I got all of that one alright now I'm actually sick of talking about it maybe that won't go to stage who the fuck knows

can I just say that we're taking this to the stage we're having a big production alright where the fuck is the Monday morning podcast this is the Monday morning podcast everybody if you're wondering what this is this is the ramblings

of a balding redheaded male and his early soon to be mid 40s alright here we go I got some health advice you know I'm always giving you guys advice from all my failures from Sweden hey Bill I heard that

you got about losing weight and I say fuck that wannabe macho douchebag alright let's go back this guy last week actually his advice was you just eat like a fucking animal for 8 hours a day whatever the fuck you want

I'm paraphrasing here and then you just don't eat shit for the rest of the day basically like a caveman like he just made a kill he just took down a bison except it's made out of Oreo cookies I know he wasn't suggesting Oreo cookies but he was just saying eat like a fucking animal

for 8 hours a day and then you don't eat the other 16 and evidently that works for him okay I don't know whether that's right or wrong but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there wasn't a lot of fat fuck homeless people but they also, I mean homeless caveman

that's funny and I immediately said homeless um anyways let's plow ahead so this guy says that that's some macho shit fuck that he said to stay in shape you don't need to fast like a liberal hippie cunt

ugh god why is fasting considered liberal nobody nobody who votes republican fast I heard it's actually good for you every once in a while to do it that's like the one part of your body that never really gets a rest when you're sleeping

but you'll take like 2-3 days off going to the gym you know what I mean right your ears are a little tired you'll stay away from loud noises for a few weeks but every day you're fucking chowing down so anyways evidently fasting that also makes you a liberal hippie cunt

if you take an hour walk every day or go running 30 minutes a day and eat healthy with a moderate amount of carbs high protein and a good amount of fat and then you'll have to lift weights 2-5 times a week I guarantee you'd be in great shape

alright I don't want to be a cunt but you just basically described what everybody already knows yeah if you work out 2-5 times a week and go for an hour hike every day or 30 minutes a day but the thing is you also have to switch up you gotta switch it up

you know or else your body gets used to it then that's the worst part and you're not seeing any gains that whole muscle confusion thing you know what I really think about all this stuff is basically whatever works for you whatever works for you

here's another twist on the advice but I appreciate the advice everybody I'll take anything I can get as I slide into my 50s advice update here was the original question I said Bill I need some help I'm a 25 year old dude from Jersey

and I've been with my girlfriend for 6 and a half years I asked her to marry me in April and she said yes great right not so fast she's a special ed teacher oh I remember this she wanted you to move she was having a tough time getting a full time job she took an interview in Virginia

right outside DC and surprise surprise she got it she took the job and is living with a friend down there it kind of blows we only see each other on the weekend I'm currently a paralegal at a firm in New York was considering law school but I've started

to lean towards not going seeing how lawyers are miserable douche bags I'm not really a career guy but I don't want to start over in a new place we talked about me moving there but I don't want to leave because I'm a northeast elitist but she's also talking about

moving back after a year which would be next September what should I do should I move to the fucking Confederacy or stick it out and see if she's going to move back um I forget what I told them I basically said

you know how motivated are you she might be just saying this to get you to move down there and then she's got you down there then you're legally married then you're fucked so here's the follow up um bup bup bup she says well it looks like I'm moving

in a few months he's going to Virginia I visited a couple weeks ago and really like it there are two conditions we have greed upon one is that it's not it's not permanent oh Jesus checks in the mail buddy and two I do not have to make friends

I'm going to take this opportunity to go to graduate school and get my masters in library and information science what the fuck is that you're going to be a librarian it's all going on the internet dude what are you doing he said I know I know it's kind of gay

but I enjoy reading and research so I figure I might as well make a career out of it thanks for the advice you know what dude I think you're doing the right thing you know you don't want to be some fucking you're not you're not some pit bull going to go in there and fight it out with other lawyers

you like chilling you know there you go speaking of bums this guy's going to go down there and become a librarian you're a bum get a fucking job now I'm kidding whatever if it makes you happy go ahead and do it um alright

plowing ahead here um you know I started this podcast three times I can't even remember if I even talked about NFL football you know but big shout out to fucking Brandon Jacobs for saying what the fuck I've been saying about Rex Ryan for the last

three years alright and I've actually gone past being annoyed by Rex Ryan and I actually I still don't want him to win but I feel bad for that guy that guy has got like a giant truck load of self-sabotage

you can just see it it's really getting like cringe worthy um I can't even say that because it's still too early because I don't even think that the fucking did I already talk about this I can't even remember I don't fucking remember all I know

is that thing is going to go one way or the other that guy here guy is going for broke he's either going to make it to the promised land or he is going to do the biggest belly flop you ever saw off the George Washington bridge hahaha he might take out a tug boat or two

god bless him man I hope that that guy puts his demons to rest because uh ugh anyways let's fly ahead here plow ahead alright advice for the week uh bill I need some advice and I think you're the one uh

to kick me in the ass on this alright about a year ago I got involved with this lady at work who I've been crushing on for a couple of years everything was great was as great as I dreamt it would be and I couldn't have been much happier except one caveat

she was engaged and he writes here oh Jesus oh my god dude oh Jesus I can't even judge you you know who hasn't been there you know

oh god this girl was in an abusive relationship oh my god dude fuck that you know what you're in right now dude you're in a fucking drag racer the engine is caught on fire and you're starting to do that zigzag where you're trying to keep it

in control the shoot's already come out but you're still gonna slam into the wall dude leave ejection button now oh god this has fucking double homicide suicide written all over it

this girl was in an abusive relationship even coming into work with a broken finger one day so any sympathy I may have had for the guy went out the window I fell in love with this girl dude what's wrong with you this is damaged goods

you should fucking take this girl to go get some help so she can work out a childhood issue that she's gonna stick around with a guy like this she said she loved me and I was convinced she was gonna call off the wedding she can't call off the wedding this guy's fucking breaking her fingers

dude this is fucking creepy man you need to dude fuck what you want to do you need to either help this girl out get her some help or report this shit dude he broke her finger what kind of a fucking animal could do that can you imagine fucking doing that

what a fucking animal anyways he goes we all know how this story ends however she stays with the douchebag and I'm left broken hearted alright well lesson learned buddy you know I'm not trying to blame the victim here but the kind of person that would stay with somebody like that

you know they have issues any girl with some self-esteem you know with confidence the first time a guy does some shit like that it's fucking over it's over you don't stick around and say yes to getting married and all that this girl

needs help and I gotta tell you dude if you want to get up the quickest way to get in a broken heart is to fall in love with damaged goods why don't you just go fucking look for your soulmate in a titty bar alright I'm being a little harsh let me just let me read the rest of this

anyways I obviously stopped talking to her and even though I occasionally started in the office it wasn't like we had to talk since we worked in different areas so it was semi tolerable being a selfish bitch though she's not trying to contact me she's not being selfish she's fucking damaged

and I finally relented a few weeks ago and we even made out after the Christmas party dude the same way she stays in that relationship and goes back for more you're doing the same thing you know what you both need to go to therapy oh my god dude

the drag racer has hit the fucking wall you know now you're laying upside down in your fire suit as the flames are lapping at your toes and you're waiting for some fat fuck with the fire extinguisher to come down there and that's who I am I'm running down the track buddy hang in there let me read the rest of this

and let's see if we can get you out of this so they make out at the Christmas party was her fucking husband there talking for hours alone afterwards or was he already drunk and trying to fuck somebody else you work with anyways she still claims to

love me and says how we are perfect and that she knows I'm the one she should be with but can't leave alright that sounds like there's a firearm involved complicating matters is she has some health issues that are potentially serious and she worries about not having time to start

over let me get this straight you fell in love with somebody with a terminal disease who's engaged to somebody who breaks her fingers and you still need advice you know what sometimes you do when your heart's involved maybe you just need to hear me say your scenario out loud

anyways he goes part of me is sympathetic for asking her to flip her life upside down part of me hates her for not just letting me go and move on I recently told her to leave me alone but I'm a weak man when it comes to her please help me out and set me straight

sorry if this was long but I felt all the details were necessary love the podcast thanks yeah dude I've already given it to you yeah dude you need to work on your self-esteem you're telling me you know that you can't find something you can't find a better

situation than this you know your biggest problem dude is not going to be walking away from this situation because there's only so many times she can stick in balls in a vice okay no matter what you're just going to walk away

from this girl there's no fucking way you're going to end up with this girl but what you need to make sure is that you don't repeat this because there's something fucked up with you that you gravitated towards this girl that you need to address how about we do this next time around okay no more girls who were engaged

okay no more girls who come in with a broken collar bone and a chip tooth um cause they quote unquote walked into a door 17 times let's try and stay away from them yeah the next time you see an abused woman let's why don't you try

and get her some help rather than fucking her on the copier dude you need to get you need to work on yourself alright get down and write a list of what you're looking for in a mate alright and I can guarantee you

engaged to someone else won't make the list uh broken finger from person she's engaged with um I bet co-worker won't even be in there dude you need an oasis you gotta get away from people

you know why me and Nia get along so fucking great cause I go on the road twice a month get the fuck out of here red and look at your goddamn red beard anymore alright so that's what I would do worst thing you can do now is rebound and just get into another relationship

and use another human being cause you don't want to be lonely you plow through that loneliness sir alright all the money you'd spend breaking some other girls heart because you don't want to be alone get a sports package

join a fucking gym it's gotta be something that you always wanted to fucking do and you never did it here's one why don't you go to the pro bowl this year all that money you would have blown on some other fucking broad why don't you go to Hawaii and go to the fucking pro bowl

show up there in some Robin Williams why not go out there and try to fuck some Honolulu bitch when are you ever gonna get to do that again just fucking do it I know you go oh it's gonna cost me 700 bucks you'll spend 800 bucks on some broad

between Thanksgiving and Christmas anyways do one for yourself alright do something like that go have a good fucking time and just really meditate on what the fuck you're looking for and stay out of something like this

god damn what a piece of shit breaks somebody's, breaks their god damn finger alright anyways plow ahead that one was depressing number two Bill I'm 19 years old and have been training in Taekwondo since I was about 11 and teaching since I was 17

that's fucking awesome between tournaments, college and teaching I don't really have a lot of time for other things however I'm no pie bacon fag and I'm still I like making pies go fuck yourself anyways and I still get time in for the ladies

when I can there is one check I'm talking to now and believe me when I say she's a perfect believe me when I say she's a perfect 10 great body, beautiful face funny personality and an actual god damn brain in her head anyways we've been talking for a little bit

and things were going great I only just met her through my cousin a couple of months ago however about two months ago I noticed she was acting a little bit more distant so Jesus than usual and I couldn't really tell if she was interested anymore I'm not trying

I'm not really the guy to pry so when she wasn't texting me I said fuck it and ignored her for a few days that's actually a good move in the spirit of the great chemistry we had I continued to try and connect with her sending her a tech once in a while and I still couldn't shake the feeling

that something was up you gotta listen to your gut dude what did she go back to her ex boyfriend so I asked my cousin who introduced us to see if she had told her anything turns out she's actually talking to another boy whom she likes more than me

but didn't know how to tell me because she thinks I'm really cool and she felt bad because she's been acting differently around me but she's been talking to this other guy for longer oh Jesus when I heard this I thought that fucking sucks but whatever there's nothing I can do about it

so I went to her and told her I felt as though she had been acting distant and I felt I wasn't getting the same vibes from her sorry my computer just crapped out anymore she told me yeah she realized she really liked me just not in the way but she thinks I'm really cool

aka I was put in a friend zone fuck she never mentioned to me anything about the other boy she's just trying to be nice anyway sir is there is there nothing else I can do in this situation usually I would say fuck it because I know there's no there's so many other girls

I could bang especially when traveling for tournaments but like I said there's something special and I just wanted your advice yeah dude walk away walk away just walk away you got a great chance that this guy is going to be a douchebag

treat her like shit and eventually come back to you but in the meantime you got to get on with your life she's being honest with you and she's like so fucking nice she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and all she's going to do is just grab your heart rip it out of your chest hold it up and then throw it back at you out of just trying to be nice

you really even though you think you're being nice you're not being nice when you don't want to be with somebody you should just fucking end it alright and it's going to suck and end it and then when you end it you shouldn't try and reconnect with them so you got to you know shit dude you're a fighter protect yourself at all times

okay if somebody kicked you right in the fucking face would you walk back up to it with your arms down at your side you wouldn't alright that's it walk away walk away you know it seems like it's so early on in the fucking relationship

that this one you know within three weeks believe me you're going to find another one and dude at the end of the day she's into this other guy more than you there's nothing you can do about it the worst thing you can do is keep pursuing her because then she's going to fucking hate you so my advice is to just fucking

leave it alone walk away move on you know bang some other chick at a karate fucking tournament you'll find someone else you're young alright last one Bill I'm 23 year old virgin

when you say steer the conversation towards sex do you mean the topic do you do you mean Jesus Christ this guy's so fucking hard up he can't even finish the goddamn sentence without writing it do you mean as the topic

of conversation or physical sex what yeah I'm talking conversation here dude why would I be saying physical yeah I'm not saying just grab her tits at the bar just yes steer the conversation look 23 year old virgin is something

a little bit different than I'm just talking about how to go on a bar and fuck a girl and not get sucked into a relationship alright that's what I was talking about in that other podcast what I would do your 23 year old virgin I would you got to get out there you got

to hit on everything that fucking moves do not get sucked into a relationship alright because after 23 years and not fucking anything you're gonna be so goddamn excited when you finally fuck something that you're gonna stick with somebody that you're really not into you're just so excited it'd be like if you walked every day

20 miles to work and then one day somebody finally gave you a piece of shit car you have no idea it's a piece of shit you're so fucking excited you're not walking anymore you know so just talk a bunch of shit wear a condom and like I said

you're not even at the point of steering it towards sex just start fucking talking to him alright and every dumb thought that you have that your brain says don't say that just fucking say it I'm not saying be rude or be mean but you got to have a fucking you just don't give a fuck

alright here's a good one rub one out before you go up give yourself a little swag okay just get out there talk some shit why don't you just start with making out with a girl let's just go easy you know just just do that

alright you know it's hard for me to give you advice because I don't know what you've been doing up to this point but let's just start with first base and then we'll move to second base then third and then you're going to come you know you get thrown out at the plate a couple of times and then you'll fucking finally bang one then you become an animal like everybody else

and you won't even need this podcast anymore alright overrated underrated for the week overrated side boob call me crazy but I'm not a big fan of the side boob even though it's as a considerable level of popularity dude how do you not like that

side boob is so much better than cleavage it's so much rarer it's like that yellow diamond that Kobe bought misses what's-her-face Bryant overrated ancestry

people take too much pride in their ancestors country their cultural background etc from what I noticed this happens to me a lot around the holidays because my family is Italian for example my family is Italian because my great grandmother came over on the boat that's right so I'm Italian even though I've lived in America

all my life and none of my family has been there since my great grandparents came over here my friends tell me I have a good taste in food like fish and have an Italian personality I understand some traditions carry on through various cultures but how exactly

there's being a white kid from the suburb who likes grilled salmon make me Italian I've never been within 100 miles of Italy I don't know one word of the Italian language if you blindfolded me and dropped me off in Italy I would probably have a panic attack

and feel totally lost my point is I'm American I'm from America I developed my interest through things which pertain to American culture that I grew up in I get what you're saying but having said all that dude you should know where you're from

great traditions my girl was watching one of those real housewives shows with all the horrific plastic surgery and the makeup and one of the Italian families out in Jersey with the writing all over the clothes and the hair up to the fucking ceiling

they do this thing that I actually saw Mario Batali do which I think is the coolest fucking thing ever is I totally respect the Italian culture they make the best food on the fucking planet and the level with which they give a fuck

about food compared to my German Irish roots I'm so fucking envious of it it's ridiculous so a lot of German Irish people out there you have no idea like me when anything is in season what vegetables like I guess

carrots and fucking peas or something I don't even know but all I know as far as tomatoes those things are in season like sometime over the summer those things are in season and the rest of the year what you're getting is some spray painted red horseshit from some corporate farm

and they taste like ass so these Italians they grow their own fucking tomatoes and I'm watching this shit and I don't know what they do they start to cook them and then they blanch them and then they peel the skin off and they stick them in a jar these airtight jars

so that they can make fresh pasta sauce their red meat sauce or whatever their tomato sauce for the entire fucking year and I just think that the coolest fucking thing ever I was like I want to learn how to do that any Italians listening to this shit I want to learn how to do that

I can't do it now because it's not this summer but um I would love to do that is that fucking weird I don't know so I get what you're saying I get what you're saying like everybody you know kiss me on my Irish and it's like dude you're from western Massachusetts

okay you're from Worcester you know you're not Irish you've never been to Ireland I totally understand what you're saying but there's a lot of great things you know it's like anything there's a lot of great things here there's a lot of great things over there and if you combine the two you got yourself a great life

alright that's it let's plow ahead dilemmas I'd rather be a lawyer or a doctor I know a lot of people hate lawyers but doctors have insane work schedules that impact the amount of time they get to spend with their families I'd much rather be a lawyer

you know you get to talk shit in front of a crowd you know you get to put your one foot up while your other hand's in your suit pocket you're rubbing your balls you know talking to a jury who would want to do that I don't fucking dig in a bunch of goddamn cadavers

I totally respect doctors but you know speaking of which what's the name of that fucking doctor show it's basically that Ted Danson show Becker except he's a doctor he's this grumpy ass goddamn doctor bones or whatever the fuck it's called

is that the guy from Star Trek I've never seen that show but that show fucking annoys the shit out of me you know and recently they did this episode where he goes to prison and he's still being this fucking tough talking douchebag

and all these prisoners are listening to him this little runt you know he was like he wasn't enough of the badass doctor because he was this grumpy douche at the hospital they stuck him in a prison and he starts running shit there

that's well kind of an asshole would watch that show anyways let's go with the dilemmas here let's close this out and that'll be the podcast for the week okay Bill would you rather have unprotected sex with a girl you love and want to marry who has herpes

and risk probably getting it in order to conceive a child or would you rather get dumped by a girl you love and have to go through an awful awful breakup finding a new place to live constantly checking your phone to see if she called filling up the time

I I I'm too selfish I'm going to take the break broken heart and no herpes I don't want herpes who wants herpes you know what it is

because when you're in love with somebody you have ups and downs you have periods where you really love them and you have other periods where you sit there going why the fuck did I ever get with this person so to go through those down periods of going why the fuck did I ever get with this person while having herpes

sores on my dick would be too much for me I'm going to tap out and I'm going to roll the dice I'm going to pull the bill Bella check I'm going to trade away my number one draft pick and hope that there's there's a diamond in the rough in the sixth route in my 40s

alright diamond number three alright Bill you're both swimming towards a boat you and Nia or some other lady there's a shark following you I've actually thought about this oh Jesus

and only one of you is going to get time enough to get in the boat do you climb in and turn around to see your girl getting eaten alive or do you stay in the water and help push her in and get eating yourself a huge shark so it won't be over

fast you fucking cunts but it's big enough that after a few chomps on your pasty white flesh you're down a few limbs at least now I could never watch Nia get eaten

but my wanting to survive would also kick in so I think we'd both get eaten because I would grab her by the arm but I couldn't live with myself if I let her get eaten

I would have to swim in front of the shark I'd have to do it oh that mother I would fucking punch that motherfucker oh who's kid who I would freeze up ugh you'd hear me screaming

you'd hear me screaming wherever the fuck you were at ugh that's one of my biggest fucking nightmares I've actually fantasized I've actually not fantasized like thought about that shit seeing someone I love in the water and I'm on the boat and I'm seeing a shark

right on the surface and I thought what I would do was I would time it like you're throwing somebody a fucking goddamn post pattern I would jump off the boat feet first and land right on the shark's head right before it bit whoever I loved and it would so freak the fucking shark out

like where the fuck did that come from that when it regrouped I'd be able to push the person in and then drag myself in the boat but in the fantasy I always still get my legs bitten off because I'm so terrified of it that was a good one

would you rather jump the subway tracks in a moped Rich Voss builds the ramp or have Robert Kelly try and shoot an apple off your head with a crossbow ah I gotta go moped is the train coming

how the fuck would I get across the subway with all that shit in the middle I would still do that I get a helmet right it has nothing to do with the fact that Rich Voss builds the ramp it has to do with the fact of Bobby Bobby would have to hit me

on some level with the arrow because he's a sadistic son of a bitch and the temptation and how much I've annoyed him no matter how much that dude loves me the amount that I have annoyed him are 20 years of our friendship he would have to have it graze off my forehead

so I would definitely I would jump the subway tracks yeah but that would be impossible because you know what you'd have to do because the subway platform is so shallow that I would have to be going lengthwise and then try to cut the wheels

and then all my momentum would be gone I'd probably land on the third rail yeah fuck that I'd go out evil conneval style land on the third rail and just fucking have to have him shut down an entire fucking subway platform I would do that rather than sit there with a fucking

arrow through my head like Steve Martin reverse Steve Martin fuck that fuck that that's my podcast for this week everybody I hope you guys enjoy your time off and be patient with your loved ones I know they're annoying the shit out of you

I know they are that's why I don't go home for the holidays but if you are try to find the humor in how fucking crazy they are that's my last bit of advice because I've made those fucking mistakes that's it once again everybody

if you want to buy something on Amazon.com go to billbird.com click on the podcast and then click on Amazon.com like I said percentage of whatever you spend I'll get some trinkets for that and then 10% of that we'll go to the Wounded Warriors

project helps keep the podcast going and it helps the wounded veterans and you go out and get yourself the turtleneck you really wanted you really can't miss it you can't miss with that one that's the podcast for this week happy new year everybody take any shit

and I'll talk to you next week see you