Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-22

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Bill rambles about having pneumonia, Franco Harris, and cameramen on the field.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 26th, 2022. Oh, it's the last Monday of 2022. Yeah, so I've been coughing if you guys have noticed for, like, what, the last six weeks as I finished up my tour in the movie. And what the fuck? I haven't been coughing all morning. I finally went to the dock. I had family come to town. I had a family back east. I had the family come into town. So my wife was finally like, why don't you go to Urgent Care and just fucking find out what it is? You know, she didn't say it like that. But that's the way I heard it in my head. Why don't you go to Urgent Care? I was just like, all right. I said, because

I'm not going to fucking sit in a hospital for like three goddamn hours. Well, while my family back east is out here, right? I'll go tomorrow after everybody leaves. So she says, okay. So we go over there and fuck, we go over there, get some water here. And they do all the shit, right? They asked me all the questions and then they took a chest x-ray and they go, looks good. Looks clear. I said, okay, good. So they gave me some medicine and all that shit. I get it. And then later on that night, somebody else looked at the x-ray and went, Jesus Christ, you're red cunt. You got pneumonia. So that's what happens when you fucking work too much and don't go to the doctor. You end up getting pneumonia. So

it's a low level. You know, I'm taking the drugs. I'm really good with the drugs. I got a lot of pills here. I got an inhaler, right? I'm going to do a cycle of fucking HGH and steroids, put on some mass, maybe do a little Botox. This is Hollywood pneumonia treatment, by the way. Get some hair plugs. You know what I mean? Just come back. Celebrities, how do they bounce back from pneumonia so fast? Going to Bill Murray did it all naturally, tipping the scales at 210 pounds of solid muscle. It's really hilarious how fucking jacked you have to be now to be an action star, man. I mean, it's insane. Back in the day, you just had to look like you could fuck somebody up. But I also think back in the day, a lot of those

guys fought in World War II in Korea and they had actually legitimately killed people. A lot of the guys, I remember Lee Marvin was one of two people that survived in his platoon. That guy had a gun in his hand and fucking gave you the look. He didn't have to be all fucking roided up to make you believe that he could fuck somebody up because this guy had bodies. I was watching, oh geez, my son's freaking out. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Doing the podcast in the house, as you can see. I got to check on this. All right, I'm back. Older, wiser BB. I almost gave my wife shit being like, hey, honey, I'm trying to do a podcast here in the house. Why is our toddler acting like a toddler? Stop myself and I said, Bill, why don't you

go out to the garage, sit next to your drums and finish this fucking thing. Anyway, turns out I had fucking pneumonia and low level, low level. Everybody relax. The band's not playing on here. I'll be all right. So yeah, that's the deal. I'll tell you, underrated, underrated, low level pneumonia gives you the excuse to fucking lay around in a bed and nobody can give you shit. God knows your wife's still going to ask you to do shit. She was still asking me to do shit and I just kept looking at her going, I have pneumonia. I just stare at her as I'd smile and get up to go do whatever the fuck she wanted. It's hilarious. My whole stand up career, I've always heard female comics have always been doing these bits, talking

about what babies guys are when they get sick. Oh my God, there's such fucking babies. I remember hearing that fucking German Irish guy, I was like, I'm not going to be a baby when I get fucking sick. Ain't going to fucking do those jokes about me woman, right? So now that I've gotten pneumonia and my wife's is still having me move the kids table from downstairs up the flight of fucking stairs, you know, it was funny, like when the guy came back and said, you have pneumonia, my wife's like, see, I fucking told you, I told I knew there was something more going on. So she gets to do the dude I call it, called it, like I knew you had fucking pneumonia or something, and then continues to give me the honey, the honey

do list. It's like, what the fuck, I got fucking pneumonia. When do I get a day off from this shit? Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. So now I'm looking at that thing. Because when I heard the ladies going guys are such fucking babies when they get sick, I would I took that as fact that I guess we're a bunch of pussies, I should fucking not be a pussy when I get sick. And now there's another side of it, where I'm still thinking guys might be babies when they get sick. But there's another side to what I think women, they don't like when you get sick, because now they can't just fucking order you around to do shit. You know, like if they have to go get your God forbid, a couple of fucking Alka cells are over there.

You know what it is with these broads? Oh, come on, Bill, it's the day after Christmas. I don't give a fuck. This is what it is with these broads, some of them, not all of them, not the sweethearts. The fucking, the ones you know, you know that broad, one of your buddies from your fucking crew, married her. All right, no matter how big, how small your crew is, I don't know how this works out, but like one of them at some point in their life is going to marry a cunt. And it is what it is. And if you're sitting there going like, well, no one in my crew married a cunt, that's because you married the cunt. Here's some signs. Here's some signs to know if you're the one that married the cunt. Do your friends

sort of avoid eye contact with you when she's around? Do they have a sad look on their face as though they're remembering an easier time? Anyway, so I think like there's a certain segment of guys that are pussies when they're sick, fucking babies, right? I will attest to that, right? If I use that word. I mean, I will agree to that is what I'm trying to say. I just said I will attest to that because I heard other human beings say I will attest to that in a similar social situation, but I have no idea what it means. I will look it up. Actually, I won't. I will just say that I will. But I think there's also another group of women who are just selfish. And I know you're not supposed to say that because they're women

and they're brave and they're heroes and they're fucking the reason why there wouldn't be war if they were running shit or whatever it says in their fucking bullshit pamphlet. You know, there's more lies in the woman's pamphlet than a fucking community college pamphlet, you know? Back in the day when I used to stand up at colleges, these fucking piece of shit community colleges could always figure out how to be number one in something. We have the greatest asphalt of any parking lot with people with a lower than a 1.7 grade point average in the seven, nine, eight area code southwest of my desk over to that wall. Yeah, there's just some women out there that they're just the star of the show.

Okay, they're not paying for nothing. They hold the door. The husband gets shit for them and they're just running the deal. And when they get a husband, they don't look at them as much as a life partner as they now have a sort of a free personal assistant slash butler slash repairman. And when that dude goes down, the woman like turns into like Bill Parcells or an old school head football coach and it's she just has one question while you're sick, can you go? You know, and you only have one answer. Yes, I can put me in coach. What do you need me to do? Where am I going? Huh? Am I picking up dry cleaning? Am I going over to the fucking goddamn Home Depot to get some fucking nativity shit? What am I doing?

Yeah, my wife had a Christmas dinner that was amazing. It was all set up and she had in her head what I needed to do to help out come hell or pneumonia. She didn't give a fuck. So, you know, every time I went to sit down straight. Oh honey, can you do me? Can you put the star on the tree? It's like you can't get up on a fucking step ladder and do that. I have pneumonia. I just kept saying. I just kept going. I have pneumonia. That's what I said. A low level of it as you can tell. Now, she didn't order me around that bed. I'm being a fucking baby, but I will say this, had I married a cunt, which I didn't like that would have been the thing.

So there you go. So that that urban myth is dispelled is dispelled is displaced is attested to is what do they call it? What do they call it when white people move into a neighborhood? Um, Trader Joe, Joe wing. What do they call it gentrification? That's the word I needed. Pneumonia gentrification. Um, no, I think that urban myth, I think some guys, it's a spectrum like everything is, everything's a spectrum. It that that line that guys are babies when they get sick is all the way from 100% true that you unfortunately married a big baby, you know, which I got to be honest with you. I don't even understand that. You know, how are you a big baby if you're sick? That would be

if you're not sick and you're overly dramatizing, dramatizing it dramatically. I'll lies in it, right? I would say it's that. But like, when my wife gets sick, she's just like, fuck this, and she goes to bed and she lays there and does what she's supposed to do. And she gets over quick. I don't think she's a baby. I think she's smart. I think I'm an idiot. Right? Well, I just keep plowing ahead. Huh? Finish in my fucking shit. That's just a fucking flesh wound. It's Pneumonia, you fucking red cunt. You know what's amazing on my X-ray, chest X-ray, I actually have freckles on my lungs too. Like that's how much of a ginger I am to the bone, motherfuckers. So I think it's all the way from guys actually being babies

to just cold, selfish women who are annoyed that their husband slash personal assistant can no longer do shit around the house. And they actually have to go fetch things. Honey, could you do me a favor and get me an Alka-Selci there? Oh my God, you're such a fucking better. Just fucking drink this. Are you still sick? Okay, I'm just letting you know there's a whole bunch of shit to do out of here. I'm sorry, honey. I'm trying to get better quicker. So that's what I learned. I learned that my wife is an angel. However, if there's a holiday dinner

planned, she doesn't give a fuck if you have Pneumonia. All of that shit, that light bulb's gonna get done, that table's gonna get brought up, the stars going on, the fucking tree, which I never did, by the way. I bought this beautiful tree that I didn't realize had polio on top. This fucking thing was all crooked and shit. I was just like, oh, and they had tied, you know why? Because they tied a string. They'd done some like used car lot shit and they tied the string to make it fucking straight. Which, by the way, did you know having a bent dick is actually a problem? I didn't know that. When I was growing up, hey, how's it hanging? Little to the left,

little to the right. Now all of a sudden, they're calling it like, yeah, it's like you blew out your ACL and your fucking shaft. Now they have an operation, you know? I don't know, Megan, the stallion seemed to like those kinds of dicks according to some of her rhyming and timing on the one and two over there. You know what's funny is I listen to all of that shit because I like the drums and that's usually at a tempo that you can kind of like try out some fills and shit. So I listeners, I'm that bitch. I always been that bitch. We'll still be that bitch, you know, every tense of bitch. Anyway, Cardi B, who else do I listen to? I told you, I've been listening to all this stuff. Bea, I think that's about as deep as I go. That's not bad for a 54

and a half year old white guy with no hair and pneumonia during the holidays. It's the holiday season. Do be do be do. Did you get the shit that you thought you wanted and now you don't have a fucking place for it? Oh, wouldn't it be nice if you got nothing? Then you wouldn't have to pack it up every fucking time you had to move. Why did I need this in every color? I always think that's hilarious when they go into those the celebrity walk-in closets. Like first of all, it does anything scream new money than actually allowing a camera crew to go through your whole fucking house. I mean, it's got to be the dumbest thing you could ever do. I always just feel like thieves are watching at home going like, this has to be entrapment. There's

no way there's not going to be a cop there. Why would you be so fucking stupid to give me the entire layout of your house and what you have in it? Because I live in a gated community. I didn't think you could get past the gate. This is literally a show on Netflix. Can you believe it? Netflix has some fucking content. The content kings. They had a fucking show on there where it was like these guys that were like robbing celebrity houses and they actually were making the thieves sort of like the heroes of it and they were kind of going like, this is how you do it. This is how dumb these people are. She left her fucking door open. We went there three times. She had so much shit she didn't even notice.

Then she fucking locked it one time. We were like, ah, fucking, she had a key under the mat. You think if you were in a gated community, you could do the fucking key under the mat, right? I don't know. That's when you need Kevin Costner as your bodyguard, right? Isn't that what that movie was about? I'm sorry. I actually tried to go higher than that. My voice was just like, not happening. All right. So let's talk. Oh, you know what I got for Christmas? Something that I said I didn't want and my wife went out and got it anyway. She got me one of those espresso cappuccino makers and I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? You know how I am. I can't bring the devil in the house.

The greatest thing about my new addiction of coffee is I have to go out and get it. If I can just fucking sit here making this shit. I'll be fucking up all night. Oh, you're not going to do that. You just fucking just make it in the morning. Honey, that's how you're wired. You know what the reality is? I looked into getting one of those fucking machines. Not only were they like a zillion dollars. There's a whole skill set. If they taste a little burnt, that's because you're grinding them up too much.

You need to back it off a little bit. And I was like, oh, now I get why all the baristas wear those knitted hats. They're holding their brains in trying to figure out how to make the perfect fucking espresso. And I saw that and I was like, I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want to take that on. I can go right down the street and for two, three bucks, I can have a master barista make me an espresso. I can be out in the sun. I can sit down at a table. I can rub my chin as people watch me drink it. And they go, there's a man who's a heavy thinker, right?

And what I'm really thinking is, is how the fuck did the Titans not cover over Houston? Not only that, they actually lost the fucking game. Who are the Texans? They're as fucking confusing to me as the Carolina Panthers right now. And I'm not even going to bring up the Lions who I was told are the real deal on Thanksgiving. But people don't know I'm thinking that. They think I'm fucking, you know, designed in an electric car. I mean, I'm at a coffee shop, right? I am a white person at a coffee shop of a certain age, not dressing my age. Right there, you know, for all you non-whities, listen to that, that status,

that street cred in the white community, you know? I don't know how it goes down. I don't know what the flavor is on your side of the street. Okay. But am I vanilla latte side of the street? If you want fucking respects out here in these streets, yeah, you got to get yourself some sort of outfit that says you work with your hands, even though people know you don't. You know, have yourself a little bushy facial hair or something and you sit down and you drink some espresso. Okay. And then when you rub your chin, you can't do it too many times. It has to be a nicely timed, you know, looking across the street at nothing and you rub your

chin and then all the other whiteies look over and we're like, that guy, that guy's doing shit, that guy's balling. Man, what's he doing over there? Is he creating an assisted reality show? I'm sorry. I'd love to blame the medication, but it's doing wonders for me. Anyway, I'm laying on the floor of my drum room. It's fucking great because you know what? I don't have shit to do. I have nothing to do today except take my pneumonia medication. Did I mention I have pneumonia? That was one of my favorite jokes I heard in a movie growing up. The guy was on the phone and the lady was like B or D and he was like, no, P, like pneumonia.

I thought that was a very great, that was a very funny joke that steered me into the world of telling shit jokes. See? Yeah, I don't have any road gigs until fucking April. That is an amazing thing, which by the way, people ask them to go, well, what about the Patricia O'Neill benefit? That has got pushed a little bit and I think that that's going to be in April. We should have a lineup soon. That's still happening for those of you out there wondering, which I really appreciate that people care enough after 10 years of doing this. That should be happening in April. Let's talk fucking New England Patriots football. If you follow me on Twitter, I live tweeted throughout the whole fucking second half,

saying the shit wasn't over, saying we had the Bengals right where we wanted them and everybody was going, Bill, are you drinking again? Bill, are you fucking taking it in the ass? You know, it's the fucking internet. They're always going to go fucking homophobe shit, right? All of this stuff, right? And lo and behold, we made our halftime adjustments. We settled the fuck down and we came right back against a very good Cincinnati Bengal team. We had the fucking game in our control, our destiny. We let him off the hook. Second fucking week in a row. That's what kills me. That's what keeps me up at night.

Not the inequality of society, not global warming, not the senseless violence or child labor. What keeps me up at night is how the fuck we lost to the Raiders and the Bengals these past two fucking weeks. Unbelievable. I will say that Jones kid, number 25, is a fucking superstar on defense and there's a lot of positives on the defensive side of the ball. You know, we just, it's actually good that we lost these last two games because I don't really want to make the playoffs as much as I want to have some draft picks, right? That's kind of where I'm at with the team. Mack Jones, Mack Jones, me and Mackie, Mackie Jones, Mackie Jones,

Mackie Jones, Mackie Jones, he's got a thing below the knee. He had another below the knee fucking hit. That guy better watch out, man. That is his third piece of shit move of the year. I'm trying to ride with this guy. He fucking lost the fumble and grabbed the linebackers. Sorry, I knew singing would fuck me up or attempting to sing. He lost the fumble earlier this year and as he was going down to the ground, he just grabbed the guy's leg, the linebacker that stripped him and just fucking turned it. The guy collapsed to the ground. I was like, what the fuck is that? It's like right out of the WWE. Captain Luabano wouldn't do some shit like that. Then he had his infamous quarterback slide where he should have

got fucking a penalty for targeting. Hit the guy right in the helmet, if you know what I mean, with his foot. All right, but the foot was only at waist level, huh? Are you smelling what the rocks cooking over here? He kicked the guy right in his fucking dick with his cleats on. I mean, you know, I don't know if that's how you do it down there in Alabama. I don't know if somebody comes over and says, hey, man, I heard you're making some moonshine and you're allowed to slide across the woodchips on the fucking bar floor and bring your fucking muddy boot up to his fucking nether regions. I don't know if that's how they do it down there in Tuscalizca, but you don't fucking do that in Foxboro. You don't do that in the NFL.

I believe I was doing that Peyton Manning show when that was happening. I wasn't on yet and I saw him do it and I heard Peyton go, whoop. Can't fucking do that, buddy. And then he threw a pick six and he just fucking kind of went, yeah. Fortunately, the Bengals' cornerbacks seem to see it coming. He kind of went Ulfy Sammy. You know what? He should be playing for the Pittsburgh Penguins the way this. He could get into their ring of honor. I don't know. I'm hoping it's like a young, immature frustration thing, but I will tell you this. I don't know how much longer he can do that before someone's going to fucking do it to him and that ain't going to be good. At least that's how it works out in hockey. In hockey. All right. Now that I've

danced around the topic of sports, the thing I'm trying to avoid because it's so fucking sad, the passing of the legendary Franco Harris, man. I couldn't believe that when I heard the news. I had just done a show this few months back. I don't know where it was on the tour and I was with Joe Bartnick and Joe Bartnick is a made man in Pittsburgh and he's in with those WDVE guys, Randy Baumann, Bill Crawford and all of them. And Bartnick hit me up and said, hey man, he goes, do you want to have dinner with Franco Harris? And I was like, what? He goes, yeah, man. He goes, he's into comedy. He wants to come to the show and ask if we wanted to go out and have dinner and Bartnick was like, I met him before. And I was like, are you kidding? Absolutely.

I still can't believe this happened. And we go out to dinner. We're sitting at the table and in walks Franco Harris with his lovely wife and his son. And just like, I don't know, the first thing I noticed about the guy was how happy he was, how positive he was. He's one of those guys that just like lit up a room, big smile on his face. And then just sat down and told us all of these stories like the like, I maybe said two words. I said more than that. I was just asking questions, but like, and he loved telling stories. He had so many, he took us through the whole immaculate reception. Remember Bartnick did ask him, what was it like in practice? You mean you were practicing against the steel curtain? What was that like? And this big grin came across his face

and he laughed and looked at his wife and then looked back at us and he goes, they weren't allowed to touch me. But anyway, so, but I just was so blown away by, you know, aside from the fact, she transcended that he was Franco Harris, he was just this amazing guy. And how happy and positive he was and how full a life he was. So when I found out he passed, I couldn't, I couldn't believe it because when I was sitting there talking to him, he looked like he had 20 years left, like that was the energy and the vibe he had. So the only upside I'm happy is that it sounds like he passed in his sleep, so he didn't suffer. And I don't know if that guy, and I was a Cowboys fan back in the day. And I still liked him, but God damn it, he used to drive me nuts.

Oh, because he was, he was that weird combination of, he was really big, but he was fast. So he could run over guys or run past guys, he could turn the corner or lower his shoulder and almost like a hybrid, like full back slash running back. And I don't know, I was a big Cowboys fan back then and they always got the best of us, even when we had at one, like we did in fucking 78. Oh my God, we had that fucking game one. What's that fucking guy? Bless his heart, he's got to be the sickest guy in America. Anyway, so rest in peace to Franco Harris, so cool that they retired his number and all that stuff, but I could not believe, you know, if you were a fan of that guy, know that he, you know, right up to the end was super happy and super positive. And it was

like something that I'm never going to forget where I was like, I was definitely, you know, it's a weird thing when you're a young person and you look at somebody in their 60s or 70s, you're just like, wow, that's an old guy, right? You get to be my age, you look at somebody in their 60s and 70s, that's not too far away from me. So I look at people and try to learn from people that haven't let life beat the shit out of them, get them down, they're not bitter, they're not fucking trying to be young, they just still be in them or whatever. And they have like this, this vibe that's incredible. And Franco Harris definitely had that. So rest in peace to him. And congratulations to Franco from getting number 32 retired. The Steelers do not do that often. So

yeah, that's it. It's sad, but he's, I'm also, I don't know, I'm just glad he didn't suffer anything like that because that guy was just one of the nicest people I ever met. All right, so there you go. Okay, Rocket Mortgage, everybody. He's a fucking segue, huh? Rocket Mortgage, you know, if your New Year's goals are to manage your budget better and save money, you need Rocket Money. Say goodbye to last year's outdated, disorganized methods of managing your money and say hello to Rocket Money. What are we dealing? Coke? Rocket Money? The better way to hack your finances in 2023. Rocket Money, formerly known as True Bill. Well, I like that name better. Can I take that name? Hey, everybody, welcome to Money Money Podcast. It's True Bill. True Bill,

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Bill, you make my life mellow. Thanks. I make your life mellow. I think the weed's doing that, brother. I don't know how mellow I am, but I'll take that. You make my life mellow, man. When are you coming to my retard country called Belgium? I would love to go there. I did Antwerp a long time ago. I've never done Brussels. Oh, man. If I went to Brussels and I ran to Jean-Claude Van Damme, he's like your fucking Crocodile Dundee. You know what I mean? Like the most famous guy and he fucking, that's not a knife. That's a knife. He's like, that's not a split. This is a split. Maybe I can take you out for some beers. Take your wife. It's going to be a blast. Wait a minute. Take my wife. What the

fuck does that mean? Okay. I don't drink anymore. Warm greetings and happy holidays. I see what you're doing. You like my wife. I ain't going there. I'm going to Antwerp. Wait, that is in Belgium. I was thinking Brussels. I'll go to Luxembourg. Take a tour of the Battle of the Bulge. No, seriously, I would love to go over there. I would absolutely love to go over there. I just have the kids now. So it's hard for me to be away. And I don't want to be away because my kids are fucking amazing. And that's it. Oh God, I got my kid a fire engine that he can, like a little pedal fire engine. I ordered it. It actually came from France. It's made out of nothing but metal and wood, few little plastic things, the things that you hammer on for the wheels,

you know, keep the wheels on. But other than that, he absolutely loves it. He's learning how to steer and stuff. It's just awesome. Anyway, all right, plowing ahead here. Bond Scott documentary. Hey, Billy the Kid, big fan of your podcast. I just want to let you know that there's a new and updated Bond Scott documentary. What? You know, some people are into like, I got a friend of mine, like he's into like Teddy Roosevelt. You know, I got another friend of mine. He's into like the JFK conspiracy. You know, I'm into like this type of shit. Drummers and fucking rock legend frontman. There's a new updated Bond Scott documentary that has been released on the

Australian media viewing app called ABC Eye View. He says, I'm Australian. This is the first time out of any of Bond's family, like this is the first time out of any of Bond's family that have released any personal information about his personal life and his struggles along with ACDC, et cetera. I think you're saying this is the first time his family has actually gotten involved, which means they probably had a little bit of creative control, which means this will be the most accurate one, which means I'm very excited right now. All right, be sure to give it a watch. As I know, you're a fan of him in the band, a fan of him in the band. It goes beyond that. I actually did a stand up gig in Perth, Australia, so I could go to Bond's grave and pay my respects.

And when I got there, somebody had put a Miller genuine draft on his, next to his gravestone, and I was insulted for him. But I didn't remove it because, you know, who knows, it's weird. You go to another country, all of a sudden, that's not a bad beer. It's an import. All right, be sure to give it a watch. As I know, you're a fan of him. P.S., come to Sydney, Australia one day. I would love to see you live. I have not been to Australia since 2015, and I am due to go down there. Even with the kids, I think I can blow through the country six cities, six days, see nothing, fly back, and be up all night when I got back here. I could still do that, right? You know what it is? It's 14 hours to get to Sydney, and then you

got to get on another plane. It's another six hours to Perth. Oh, that's a motherfucker. Although it is pretty good when you put your toesies in the Indian Ocean, I will tell you that. And also the little creatures Brewery, which was my favorite Australian beer when I went over there, when I was still drinking. Oh, my God. I had two on the day of a show, which I never do. I sat there, and they had a statue of Bond Scott. That's how I stumbled upon it, where they had a statue of Bond Scott somewhere over in that area. And it was Australian Day, and I got to watch them all driving around in their fucking Australian El Camino's shit faced out of their minds. It was awesome. All right, cameraman on the field,

dear Bronchitis Burr. Bronchitis upgraded to pneumonia. You know what Nia's been calling me? You know, you know, Williams and Sonoma. She's been calling me William and pneumonia. She's fucking hilarious. And I know I got to get her on the podcast. She reposted that thing. I didn't remember doing it, singing that serial killer Silver Bell song. And I don't know, she's my favorite person in the world to make laugh. Oh, well, it's true. All right, myself and a bunch of mass holes drove five hours from Montana to see your ginger ass in the salt in Salt Lake City last week. Awesome show. Oh, thank God. You never know which way that's going to go. We drove five fucking hours. You went there with your fucking goddamn bullshit.

Awesome show worth the white knuckle drive through a snowstorm. Thanks for taking the cold medicine and doing the damn thing. Yeah, I didn't know which way that was going to go to see your fucking woke. I've been getting a lot of shit lately. People saying I'm woke, whatever the fuck that I love that expression woke now, because that means something different to every single person. And then I get these other people that just say that I'm a centrist and then other people think I'm a conservative. And what do all of those people have in common? Jerk offs. All right, any comedians listening to this, don't listen to these fucking assholes trying to brand what your comedy is. All right,

it's going into their fucking ear holes and into their dumb brains. And then it goes into the fucking tumble dry with their whole life experience or whatever the fuck their butthole heard about. And by the time it comes out, their fucking mouth is an idea. It has nothing to do with you. You just look at them and you nod and you fucking move on and you continue doing your shit the way you want to do your shit. All right. Oh, I put my pasty fucking freckled foot down on that one. Let's see. Awesome. Okay. Long time fan here, podcast listener. Just wanted to throw a sports gripe at you. Can we get these fucking cameramen off the field after points are scored? Either football or baseball or whatever, there's always some cameraman trying to jam himself into the

action, getting in the way of the celebration or running down the third base line like they fucking earned that trot. Thankfully, these cameramen can't skate or fight or we'd see them pushing a lens in Posternak's chip teeth two to four times a game. Go socks, fuck the management. Yeah, a lot of Red Sox fans not enjoying the moves that we're making, not reciting Xander Bogarts. I don't know. I would hate to be in their position because Xander Bogarts also wanted like a contract with a fucking contract that the Padres gave them. That's definitely a win now thing. You know what I mean? In the end, they're going to be paying like $9,000,000 for a 39, 40, 41 year old shortstop. But I think if

you're the Padres, the Padres, that makes sense because you've never won one and you came so close last year. So I think the Padres, that's a good fucking move. I think for us, it was a bad move, but it was also a bad move that I don't think he was looking for that. I think he just got that on the free agent market. I think if we fucking gave him his goddamn money back in March, we wouldn't have had to try to match that. That's what I think having never even fucking coached a softball game. Yeah, those camera minutes. I don't need any of that. The access, I don't need them talking. I hate when they talk to the coaches. They have that camera in the dugout during the game, like a playoff game. Something big just happened and then the guys in the booth

are talking to the manager. That's way too much access for me. I would rather sit there and try to guess what the guy's thinking rather than seeing him happen to talk to somebody. I'm not into that. I would agree with you. All right, shit spending. Yo, Bill, I stopped associating with any party years ago. They're all fucked in the head. Oh, I thought you meant partying. Shit spending. I literally thought you were like saying, I quit drinking and I'm saving all of this money because I went golfing this past week and played 18 holes. A family from back east was in town. We went out to this legendary golf course out here in LA and I played 18 holes with the same ball. Didn't lose it one time. I was bringing the club almost all the way back. I'm sure you guys

have seen my fucking granny swing. I figured some things out, some club speed and that type of shit and then of course right when I figured out, I thought I had it figured out. I started slicing but you know, I was getting it off the deck pretty good. I mean, I probably still shot between, I don't know. I'd say averaged about seven on each hole. It's a fair number. That's a 70 and 56. Yeah, I think I broke 130. All right. Where are we now? All right. Sorry. I had to fucking hack one up there. I'm not going to lie to you. Magic of editing. You didn't have to hear it. All right. Shit spending. Yo Bill,

I stopped associating with any party years ago. They're all fucked in the head, man. Here's what was included in the $1.7 trillion bill they passed two days before Christmas. They all vote for it because they all get something out of it even if they think it's a waste because a waste, even think it's a weight, it becomes a free for all. Here's some crazy things in the bill. $200,000 on Starbucks espresso machines for the Department of Defense. Jesus. You know what? That'll buy you about a hundred of them. These fucking things are so expensive. $2.3 million to inject and test cocaine on beagles. Okay. Now that's fascinating because we've already determined that it's not good.

Why on beagles? Are they trying to do that Nazi thing where the Nazis had some of their troops on methamphetamines and they didn't know how to, after like three days, they would just be up for three days and they would eventually go bananas. They'd go banana nuts. As Kyle Dunningin says, are they trying to do like, you know, like people do like those micro dosings of mushrooms? Are they trying to micro dose cocaine into beagles? Am I the only one who can't wait for cocaine bear to come out? Cocaine beagle, the sequel? I don't know. $2.3 million. I mean, if they get the fucking rights for the sequel, they could make that money back. All right. $1.1 million to watch mice get drunk.

Why? I think these are like really outdated. You think they would be doing something with like parrot and meth? You know, it's weird. Oh, you can't test meth on a parrot. They don't have any teeth. $689,000 to study the romance between parrots. Holy shit. Right there. Okay. $118,000 to study whether or not the character Thanos from the Marvel movies could snap his thumb in a metal gauntlet glove and make half the universe disappear. This is bullshit. What? There's no way that last one was real. Can I hit your ride in your helicopter to a faraway land? Thanks and happy new year. No, because it can only fly for about two hours and 45 minutes. So I could probably take you to Fresno.

All right. Commercial Airlines landing with autopilot. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Into the wild blue yonder. I'm going to fly a lot in these next few months. I cannot fucking wait once I get past pneumonia. Williams and pneumonia. Commercial Airlines landing with autopilot. Dear Bill VFR only burr. I know that haunts me and now I got two kids. I don't have the fucking time to do this. On the money money podcast, a writer questioned single pilot cockpicks. You correctly stated that this is inevitable and cargo carriers will get approval soon. The US Air Force is experimenting with this right now and you can Google Air Force single pilot cockpit and read how we are flying aerial refueling aircraft this way. So getting back to

landing in autopilot. I think this guy was eventually saying how there'd be no pilots up there. Aircrafts that are category three certified have an auto land feature. Well, what is category three? Is that cargo carriers? Have an auto land feature where autopilot takes it all the way to the runway. This is not completely commonly used. Pilots typically only engage it when landing in zero zero conditions, which would be perfect conditions. No wind in plus 10 statute miles visibility or whatever the fuck it is. It's statute miles or fucking old lady miles. Takeoff still are not done in autopilot, but there's no reason to believe this won't be developed. Now that you have free time,

start cracking the book so you can fly. I am see like a real man. All the best and go fuck yourself. I will get my instrument rating probably in my sixties with where my kids are at this point, but I will get it at some point. I think I might just go for my commercial this year. It's something easier. It's something that I can accomplish, feel good about myself and everything, but I will tell you, dude, after this past year of selling a movie, pre-production, production, post-production, and then also having to write a new 90 minutes of material to get ready for an arena tour before a special came out and ending up with fucking pneumonia. I don't think I'm going to go for that. I'm going to get my little espresso, do my little French, and I'm going to hang out with my kids.

Yeah, I can't even tell you like how much I'm enjoying just being around the house, so that's what I'm going to do. I'll leave the real man flying to manly men like yourself. I know what you're doing though. A nice little fucking negative jab. You know how to get me going. Now it's bugging me. I tell you this, I actually really enjoyed it, that whole thing as much as going through it and then getting super busy selling the movie, which is awesome obviously, but then my test expired and I got to take that over again. I will tell you though, I still have the little flight simulator out here in my garage and I get on that thing and I'm still pretty good at it. Obviously it's not the same conditions

of actually doing it, but I fucking totally get it. I love it and I'm fascinated by it. And even not getting it, not getting the rating, how much I learned was priceless, but that's definitely something. I don't think I'm going to wait till my 60s. It fucking bugs. You fucking asshole, why did you bring it up? It really bugs me that I never got that done. It really fucking bugs me. And typical me, I don't go from getting a private pilot's license to getting a commercial and taking the baby steps up. I try to skip three stairs and immediately go to that other thing. I'm going to do the commercial and then I'm going to get the other one. God damn it. Now you got that fucking thing rolling

around in my head. I'm actually glad you did it, but there you go. That's the honesty of it. I try to play it off like it doesn't bug me that I didn't accomplish that, but it really does bother me. And what's funny is I'm not allowed in my helicopter to ever fly in it anyway, but God damn it, I want that fucking rating. There, I said it. All right. Yeah, I finally get three fucking months off where I wasn't going to do anything and rest my brain. Now you're going to have me going back to my flashcards over there. All right, that's it everybody. I'm feeling much better. I know I sounded like shit over the last few fucking weeks, so I apologize for that, but I am on the modern medication here, so it's fucking kicking the

shit out of it. I am so elated with what I did this year. As far as work, I know I did work too hard, but I mean, the experience that I got working on that movie was fucking incredible. And going around all of you guys showing up to my shows, I will never forget it. And I loved every one of them from that rodeo facility I played in Boise, Idaho to Fenway Park. I mean, Fenway Park, I mean, it was fucking, I had a fucking ridiculous year. And yeah, I didn't need anything for Christmas. I didn't need anything for Christmas, and I still got a Patriots status jacket. So I mean, 2022 was a great fucking year. So to balance it out, you get pneumonia. That's how it works. All right, go fuck yourselves.

I wish nothing but wonderful things. Happiness and health. Love anything you want in 2023. That's it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. Ikea, tip of the week.