Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-27-21

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

Bill rambles about Christmas gifts, airlines, and dog killing monkeys. As Mentioned:   Airlines Have Become Banks: https://youtu.be/ggUduBmvQ_4

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, December 27th, 2021, what's going on? Hawaii, oh, it's the last Monday of 2021. Here we go, limping along this decade. Hasn't this decade just seemed really long

because of the current situation with the pandemics? I went to the movies yesterday. Me and my wife brought our lovely daughter and went with another couple and their lovely daughter. We went out, saw that movie, Sing 2. I don't remember seeing Sing 1. I don't know, they all kind of blend together. Had a great time, really.

It's a good kid movie to go see. I give it two freckled thumbs up, lots of laughs. The kids loved it and parents enjoyed it too. And we went down to this small area out here called the Grove. There's a couple of them, you know what I mean? They have like a trolley that fucking drives people around. They're always playing like Bing Crosby

and Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra, you know, that really white music that makes you feel like you're accomplishing things. You know, my kind of town Chicago is. The summer wind, it came blowing in. Well, I bought some underwear, I went across the street to the fucking bookstore and couldn't believe it was still open.

Doesn't everybody just read shit on their fucking laptop computers? Ba-do, ba-do, ba-do, ba-do. Let's go stand by the fountain and take a picture by the Christmas tree, right? Everybody's walking around. Like 99% of people have masks on and shit and every once in a while you just see that fucking rebel

not having a mask on. It's just, it's like they want to get it. People are fascinating to me. I want to get COVID and I'm going to get COVID and I'm not going to die and then I'm going to prove that the way I look at it is right. Yeah, strange people. You would never do that with the common cold, would you?

Would you like go out of your way to get it on purpose? Not to be one of those morons comparing it to the common cold. Ah, yeah, it's a common cold, yeah. Yeah, guys, I remember when I get it, when I get a fucking cold I lose two of my five senses. But fortunately it seems like it's starting to mutate where it's not as bad

because I guess the virus doesn't want to kill its host. So it's finally doing its dishes. It's becoming a decent roommate. So things are looking up and then I figure at some point it won't be that big a deal and then everybody who got the vaccine will say, see, we were right. And then everybody who didn't get it will say,

no, no, no, we were right. And it's not going to fucking matter because the virus is going to be a good roommate. Then everybody can feel like they're right. And I don't know, we can go back to fucking walking around a mall, just buying shit. How that fucking trolley doesn't hit people is really just beyond me.

I don't know, but I just love the non-mass people. And when they walk by you, that fucking look in their face, as they try and like, I'm looking just like, wow, buddy. Don't you like being healthy, right? And they just kind of looking at you. It's all a fucking lie, man. You fucking sheeple. Whoever, whatever, I'm rooting for them.

I mean, I hope they're right. You know, I hope them and their friends and their think tank, I hope they're right. Anyway, all right, let's get it out of the way. Oh, Jesus Christ. Now, you know, when you have a big, when your team has a big football game, and I know all you stupid table breaking cunts,

you can't wait for this fucking moment, right? You know, there's two ways of doing it. You can either be a class act, or you can be like, I would have a buffalo beat the Patriots. You have fun losing in the playoffs, man. You know, be one of those fucking people. How many fucking, you know, be like a Yankee fan.

How many championships do you have though? You know, we did things before more times than you did. Um, I'm not doing either. All right. If you like football, you had to enjoy how the Buffalo Bills came out on that first fucking drive. They came out like, fuck you.

You fucking AFC East champions every goddamn year. Fuck you, Bill Belichick. I'm sick of everybody saying what a great coach you are. We're just gonna ram this fucking ball right down your throat. That first drive after like three plays, I was like, ah, fuck, they came here to play. And I was screaming at the TV to my team going,

all right, you gotta match this fucking energy. You have to snuff out this hope that they have, that they're gonna come into our place and fucking win. And they didn't. And they went down the fucking field on the first drive, get all the way down to the goal line, and inexplicably fourth and two, they don't kick a field goal.

This new way the kids coach. Fuck it, we're going for it. And I'm like, this is the stupidest fucking thing. This is this new stupid way of coaching. And guess what, it worked. They scored the touchdown. Then we get the ball back. We have a fourth down on our own 50.

I'm like, kick it, we go for it, run a sweep on a fourth and fucking two or something. And we make it. I'm just like, I give up. I don't understand, maybe the fucking analytic people are right. I don't know. But anyway,

yeah, Buffalo just jumped on us. The same way that Colts did last week, and by the time we got our shit together, it was too little, too late. Hats off to Buffalo. Big, big, big, big, big fucking win. And having said that, I'm still excited. I'm still bummed out, but I'm really excited

where the Patriots are at. We're a very young team. We have a really good defense, and we got a great quarterback and all of that type of stuff. And I think the future's bright for us. This just is not our year. I'm done singing my song.

It's beginning to look a lot like 2001. I thought we had the magic going, but the Colts and the Bills, as much as I hate to say it, brought us back to reality. But there's also still two weeks left, and anything can fucking happen. Buffalo can have a letdown game, and all of a sudden we win.

We'd still be, you know, we still split one game each. Buffalo drops the next two. We win the next two, I think we would win it. I have no idea. I don't have time to look at the fucking standings. I will tell you, when I walked around the Grove, I saw quite a bit of Buffalo Bill's gear, which really bugged me.

I'm like, ah, you fucking cunts. Where was this shit all year? Yeah, it's holes, you fucking put it on, you take it off, then you put it back on again. I see how that works. Actually, I live in Los Angeles. What the fuck do I know about Buffalo gear? All I know is that Buffalo is, you know,

they should have a sad sports fan, Hall of Fame there. So you just, you can't root against, I mean, I guess you could, but you can't root against the bills. You know, you can't root against the Sabres. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, what are you, what are you gonna do out there? I mean, what the fuck?

I'm trying to think in all the history of the Buffalo Sabres. 1999, Dominic Hasek. You know, the fucking dude was standing in the crease. They called it all year, biggest goal of the year, and they just, no, it's all right. It's all right, just, you know, it's fine. It's what the NHL does.

Listen, you can't play this style of hockey anymore. All right? You can't be fucking, you can't have these guys going out, beating the fuck out of people, running gold tenders. You know, you just can't play that game anymore. We're trying to expand the appeal of the game. People seem to like Olympic hockey.

You can no longer play Bruins hockey. And then along comes the St. Louis Blues, and they're just allowed to play that way. And we're sitting there with like, we fucking emptied our fucking goon cabinet. And we're just standing there with a bunch of finesse players. Just wait a minute. I thought you couldn't do this.

No, for some reason, this year's okay. No, it wasn't okay for the whole year. Well, we're just in the playoffs for this one team. They can do it. Okay. I guess, I guess it's hockey, so it makes no fucking sense. You know, and then you got the fucking bill.

I still bitch as a Bruins fan about, I'll never get over that fucking series. Not that we lost that the way we lost to a lesser talented team that I watched beat. Who'd they beat? Nashville, San Jose, and the Bruins, and they were not a better hockey team than either one of any of those fucking teams.

And they were just allowed to beat the other team down to their fucking talent level with their mediocre fucking goalie. Who they then fucking sat there going, like reminds me of Patrick Waugh in 1986. Oh, does it? Does it? Patrick Waugh getting pulled out of a fucking game

in the finals. Sorry. Final. It'd be a finals Stanley Cup final. Is that how it works? And then the bill's losing four fucking Super Bowls in a row. And as if that wasn't enough,

the shining star, the face of their franchise goes out and kills some woman and the guy, you know, she was hooking up with it. I mean, you realize that was the biggest victory of a Buffalo Bill in the ninth, over the last fucking 30 years was O.J. Simpson getting acquitted. I mean, how the fuck do you?

How do you root against that? Shit. And I got tight. I mean, you know, that son of a bitch. Hats off to him. All right. Actually, honorable mention for a big Buffalo win was last year, this past year, January 6th

when that shirtless yoga guy with the Buffalo Bill's hat, you know, made it all the way to the podium there at the Washington Capitol. Only to go wide right and then be branded a terrorist. I still can't believe those people don't understand that they're terrorists. They think they're patriots and they learned a valuable lesson. The difference between a patriot and a terrorist is who wins?

All our founding fathers in this country were fucking terrorists. They were treasonous, they were traitors, but they won. So now their faces are on our money. That fucking guy there on January 6th, he came so close to being a face on our money. They just didn't have a plan. You know what it was? They didn't plan to win.

I don't think they thought they were gonna get that far. And then when they got all the way in there, they didn't know what to do. They were just running around, sitting at desks, taking pictures, just incriminating themselves. Just in case you don't have enough video of me. Here's a picture of me on my own social media platform inside the fucking place I just broke into.

Thank you very much. I don't know. I don't know what else they could have done. Just fucking put handcuffs on themselves. They're calling us terrorists. That fucking guy, that fucking guy crying. Oh my God, fucking whining at a goddamn airline. Yeah, buddy, you just broke into the nation's capital.

You're lucky you're not getting hung by the nearest fucking tree. That's what used to happen back in the day. You tried to pull some shit like that. You would have been killed. Now you just can't fly Delta. Fucking babies. Anyway, speaking of babies,

I'm gonna be in Phoenix, Arizona. All right, the big traveling baby. I love this gig. I love this gig. Because it's fucking right next door. I got two shows on Thursday. These are my final two shows of 2021. Very excited.

Very excited. So I'm gonna try to go in there. I'm building up my new hour. Which by the way, I've heard nothing but fucking unbelievable rave reviews for Louis C.K.'s new stand-up special. I gotta check that out at some point. Although I gotta be honest with you,

I don't watch stand-up specials. I don't watch them. You know what I mean? Does a plumber come home and then turn on the TV and watch somebody fucking repair a sink? No, they do not. What do you do for a living? Do you build websites?

Do you then go home and put on the website channel? And go, oh God, I can't wait to watch an hour of somebody building a fucking website. I just can't do it. I don't know what happened. I used to watch them all the time. And now, I can't remember the last time I watched the stand-up special.

There, I said it. Yeah, I don't think I've watched a stand-up special in 10 years. Probably more. Yeah, just realized that, you know? I got mine edited though. That's the one I watched. I watched the one that I do.

And I get through that and I fuck and go through it. Two days, two days of editing. Look at my big, stupid bald head. I got my COVID weight on. Oh my God, I mean, Jesus Christ. After that, I never wanted to watch another one again. But I'm not saying that you should. This is the worst fucking promo for anything ever.

Whatever, what do you want from me? How'd you guys do on Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? Well, did you? I had a great Christmas because I bought good gifts this year. Every year I buy, I guess. But this year, I really knew what the fuck was that sound. Oh, it's the sprinklers.

I thought there was a fucking cat hissing outside. Yeah, I'm doing it. This is like six in the morning. I had to wake up before the kids were up here to knock this thing out. Yeah, I always buy gifts. But this year, like my daughter really, really, really wanted a skateboard.

Like really wanted a skateboard. That's all she kept talking about. The Santa Claus is gonna bring me my skateboard and everything. She got the thing and absolutely freaked out. She wants to take lessons and stuff. And she's all like, my daughter's so fucking cool. It's ridiculous.

So she got the skateboard. You know what's funny? She wanted a Spider-Man skateboard, right? So I go to fucking Target. I go to the super store. I'm walking around with all these mouth-breathing fucking sky miles, jackasses, right? And I'm in my ego.

And I'm walking around like I'm better than this, man. I'm better than this super store, right? And I'm fighting the feeling as I'm in there that I kind of like the store. How convenient it is to have these no-name brand clothes that get the job done. Then a couple of aisles over, I can get my grocery shopping done.

Then there's a toy section. That I can bring my kid to. So she can test out the toys, you know? I completely lost my train of thought. What the fuck was I talking about going over to Target? Oh yes, I go over to Target, you know? No, no, I was online. That's what it was.

I was online and I looked up this Spider-Man fucking Marvel comic, you know, skateboard. I'm like, that thing fucking sucks. I'm not buying that. I'm not buying that. I'm gonna go to a fucking old school skateboard and shop out here. I'm gonna buy a fucking board.

A deck, as they call it. And then get that truck. That's what they call the thing. You stick the wheels on and all that. I'll get that shit, right? And then I'll just fucking find somebody to paint the bottom and put a fucking Spider-Man thing on it. Right?

So I asked the guy at the shop and he goes, yeah, I got just the guy. So I'm like, all right, cool. So he goes, how do you want me to do this? I can do it like, you know, I can do like a screen thing, graphic, blah, blah, blah. I said, buddy, I can just do it right. Do it up right.

And he's like, all right. And this fucking guy, I can't even tell you what he created on the bottom. It was unbelievable. It's like, it's a fucking painting. And he thought I was just gonna hang the thing on the wall. I was like, no, she's gonna skate this thing. He goes, she's gonna skate this?

He goes, dude, this is like, you know, a piece of art, man. The guy like signed it and shit. But I was just like, well, I mean, I don't, I told you she was gonna skate. We had like a miscommunication. So we were both laughing. And he goes, why don't you just save this one and put it on the wall and then run over to Target?

I'm like, cause it's fucking Christmas Eve. And I was just like, fuck it. She's gonna skate the thing. So I think it's gonna look cool. She's just gonna scuff up the ends of it. And it's gonna look like Stevie Ray Vaughn's guitar. You know what I mean? That's how I look at it.

Although I gotta tell you, she hasn't skated yet cause it's been raining out here. I just keep looking at it. It is so fucking beautiful. It's like, he has like the sky on the back end of it, right? You have like the sky that he did like in purple with clouds. Then he has my daughter's name written on it. Like how, with like the, you know, like on Batman,

I was like, pow, biff, you know, that jagged like cloud thing. And then he has like, oh, like the, in green, like the city behind him and then just fucking Spider-Man in the middle. Like, I think like pointing right at you, looking at it, the highlights are unbelievable. And then it kind of has like this jagged thing

where it's like, almost like the end of reality. Like it ends the cityscape and then it just goes into that new Spider-Man logo towards the front of it. I mean, it is a fucking masterpiece. It is a fucking masterpiece. And the trucks we got are the same color red as the Spider-Man suit.

And then the wheels we got were purple, which matched the sky. I mean, it's the sickest fucking looking skateboard you ever seen in life. And it's funny, you know, my daughter's only four. So she looks at, she's like, oh, cool. I knew I was getting a skateboard. I asked Santa for a skateboard.

I knew he was getting a skateboard. She wants to go out there and whatever, whatever. So I got her all the pads and all that type of stuff. And I'm gonna get her some skateboarding lessons and all that type of shit. So I guess I'm gonna be in that world now. The skateboarding world. So anyway, tonight, I'm gonna go run out

and go try to go do some fucking standup somewhere. I gotta find somewhere I can be. Because when I was working in Indianapolis, I was doing like 25, 30 new minutes since my Red Rocks thing. Some stuff that I had already been fucking with and then new shit that I had, some stuff left over and everything. So I'm trying to do is put this whole thing together

so I can put out the Red Rocks thing as soon as possible. That is the game plan. And then I'll just fucking move on from there. I've also, you know, I got an acting gig coming up. So Billy, Billy Balyptical been doing like an hour a day. Although yesterday I fucking negated everything when I went to the goddamn movie theater, you know. It's just popcorn, candy, all of that fucking shit.

Then all the parents, we all went out to dinner after that. So, I don't know. Fucking, I just can't, I don't want to fight. This has been the hardest it's ever been for me to lose weight. I just, every time I fucking get going, I either have a road date or just something, a holiday. But I just said I'm just gonna do an hour of cardio every fucking day until this shoot starts

in like mid-February towards the end of February. And I should be all right. So anyway, that is it. I wanna thank everybody that listened to the Jim Gaffigan podcast, the two platter that I did. Speaking of stand-up specials, he has one out called Comedy Monster.

Just absolutely fucking hilarious human being. If you haven't had a chance to listen to it, last week's Monday Morning Podcast and the Thursday afternoon one was a two-parter thing with the great Jim Gaffigan who I met, maybe my second or third day when I moved to New York and he was brand new too. And we had gone down to the,

what had become of the improv where Bud Freeman's wife, her name escapes me, still own the improv name in New York City. And yeah, there was a famous story, part of the divorce, where she got the improv in New York and that her husband was not allowed to open another improv like within a hundred miles

or something of New York City. I don't know what, I would have 150 miles to one of my, I have no idea what it was. And all I know, whatever the mileage was, Bud opened one in Atlantic City and his ex-wife got in a car, set the triphodometer and drove down there and the thing was like two miles within,

you know, the limit he could not be in. And she fucking had him shut it down. It was brutal. So anyway, she owned the improv name and the improv now is at the back of a restaurant and the light to tell you to get off stage was her flashing a pen light at you. And that's the first place I met Jim Gaffigan.

So I've known that guy was 1995. I can't believe it. I've known that guy for fucking 26 years, Jesus Christ. Anyway, but he absolutely destroyed it. So anyway, let me quit babbling here. Let's do a little bit of the, oh, I don't have any advertising. What am I talking about?

I don't have any I don't have any advertising this week cause they all know you guys all blew all your money. What'd you get? Hey freckles, what did you get? I got a, I got a bunch of great gifts for Christmas. I got a bunch of dad gifts and I loved it. I loved it.

I got a, I got some new wonder ways. I got a, an electric shaver for my bald head. This thing called the pit bull. And I'm kind of addicted to it. You know, I don't know if it's better than a blade. It's just easier and it's faster. I know it's just easy to just turn it on. And you just fucking run it over your head.

Then I'm kind of learning how to use it the most effectively. And yeah, it's going to be great for when I go, go on the road cause I don't have to bring like shaving cream and be like, it's just too much fucking liquid. Am I going to run out? Blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't have to worry about any of that stuff. So hopefully I've solved that problem.

Oh, you know, I was on Instagram last night cause I'm a fucking 12 year old girl, right? I'm on Instagram and they were making fun of fucking asshole peoples that drive Teslas and have like those vanity plates that talk about gas. What's that? LOL gas, no gas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then all these fucking douchebags,

like that's not dumb enough. All of these douchebags, I swear to God, like 80% of them were just like, and where do you think electricity comes from? Making the point that you need fossil fuels to create electricity, like I swear to God, like 80% of the comments were that. It's like, haven't you read that

everybody's already made this point? You dumb fucks. And they're all going like, yeah, this is just like the new glorified Prius. It's like, yeah, no, it isn't. No, it isn't. A Tesla is not a glorified Prius. A Tesla is the fastest car on the fucking road

and none of those cunts can fucking admit it. LOL You know, none of those gas driving cunts. This is just like masked people versus unmasked people. And nobody sees, you know, that we're all a bunch of cunts, right? Myself included. Like people with gas cars don't have

those stupid vanity plates, all those fucking morons who have an incredibly small amount of horsepower, but you'd never know it from how loud their exhaust is. Ah, da, da, da, da, da, da! Driving down the fucking street. It's like, I can still see you. I've heard your car for 10 minutes. I can still see you on the highway.

Anytime they just barely step on the gas, it makes so much fucking noise to give the illusion that their car is actually fast and it isn't. It's just loud. Now, I'm not giving motorcycle people shit. Your bike should be loud because people can't see it, but if they can hear you, that's how you stay alive, right?

So I don't mind a loud motorcycle, but what I do, there should be a rule. If your car is loud, it has to be fast. Remember Gas Monkey Garage? Fast and loud. It just wasn't loud. Oh my God, these fucking idiots with their fucking... There's actually something you now can stick

into your exhaust to make it sound louder. To make it sound like, you know, I don't know. It's like you're lying about your dick size. You got a regular old dick and you're making the noise like you're a fucking porn star. And all these gas driving fucking car cunts with their stupid vanity plates, you lose bye bye and all of this shit,

making all of this fucking noise when there's a silent car that makes no fucking noise that will, with fucking two kids in kid seats and groceries in the back, will fucking destroy you. Fucking destroy you. My car makes noise and smoke comes out of it. These fucking quiet cars. Where do you think electricity comes from?

And then the fucking idiots driving the electric cars like, uh, uh, uh, fire, fire at the gas station. It's like, why can't you just buy what you like and shut the fuck up? You know, in a perfect world, somebody with a gas driving car, with a you lose license plate, will have a head on collision with someone in a Tesla.

You know, with their gas question mark, LOL, can you get a question mark on a license plate? I don't know, in a perfect fucking world, in a world that is perfect. They would have a head on collision. The airbags come out, you know, they both get out a little groggy and they go into that little tent

on the side of the fucking NFL game. They come out and everybody's fine. And then the police officer like, uh, yeah, your cars are totaled, you're both at fault. All we could save is your license plates, you know, and then they both have to go sit at a fucking bus stop because all the Uber people are busy that day or maybe they don't want to work, whatever,

whatever the fuck goes on at Uber, you know? This is a high volume time. There's not a lot of, whatever, one of those times and they just both have to sit there and they have to work out their differences, you know? And just sit there, you know, it's kind of funny that both of us took the time out of our fucking lives to fill out a piece of paper at the fucking DMV

to get a customized license plate. Who the fuck has time to do that? Who gives a fuck that much? There has to be something online. There has to be some sort of psychiatry fucking think tank. Is that how you say it? The kind of person, let me just look up. People who get custom license,

whoops, I spelled it wrong, of course. Plates. Okay, personal interest, specialized license plates. What you need to know about vanity plates? What drives people to take vanity license plates? Okay. Here's one, Maryland. It's W-E-H-V-F-U-N.

We have fun. Performance coach Caroline, performance coach Caroline Adam Miller says, vanity plates can boost self-esteem. Pictured her own. We have fun. To boost state coffers, Texas sold a Dallas doctor a Porsche for 7,500.

Then it sold him America for 3,000. What does that mean? Both were license plates sold at auction. I will get my American citizenship next month. So it means a lot to me. Says Solomon Wahid, an intensive care physician. He wanted Ferrari, but dropped out. When bidding for that went too high,

eventually netting $15,000 the top price paid. The fucking car says Ferrari. It says it right on your case. You didn't, you know, just crossing all the T's and doting all the I's. After years of selling vanity plates at a modest sideline, charging as little as $5, states think that there's more money to be made

in whatever drives people to buy them. Facing budget crisis, states are raising surcharges or proposing annual fee hikes for custom plates. Texas has gone a step further. As they always do, there's another step to take. You know, Texas is going to take it and it's going to be a bigger step than any other state because we're big.

It hired a private company to raise 25 million over the next five years by auctioning off vanity plates. People like to express themselves, especially in Texas. I am from Massachusetts. We don't like to express ourselves. We do, but not the way they like to in Texas. Like, and what fucking, where is that whole statement? What world is that fucking based in?

People like to express themselves. Okay, well, there's a bold statement. Okay, yeah, everybody likes to express themselves, especially in Texas. That's just to go for the fucking, you know, hacky applause, bruh. That's right, yeah, it's fucking right, man. Expressing myself right now with a belt buckle.

Says a spokesperson for a Texas Department of Motor Vehicles. This year, that is just literally, they're just chumming the water of mouth-breathing morons. People like to express themselves. I like to express myself, especially in Texas. I'm from Texas, that's right. This is my God giving right to express myself. And I'm saying everybody in Texas is dumb.

All right, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that you have a lot of dumb people there because you have more fucking real estate. So everything's gonna be higher, okay? I'm sure you have a higher level of, you know, super smart people, you know, that realize maybe I don't need a shiny pickup truck considering I don't own a ranch.

And just because I'm in Texas, I don't really need a four-wheel drive pickup truck because I'm not gonna go four-wheeling anyway. Maybe, you know, I think that's where the bar is in Texas for intelligence, to actually not buy a pickup truck, realizing that you don't need one, you know? Do you know how many people don't need pickup trucks

and actually have them, myself included? That's why the four-door cab is so fucking popular. I fucking hate the four-door cab because you don't have a bed anymore. It's basically a fucking rumble seat. It's like, what the fuck did you get a pickup truck for? If most of the truck is gonna be from, you know, where you bring in your construction crew

that isn't doing construction, you know? Anyway, sorry. And then they go especially in Texas and then this is just gonna get people. Well, I'm from Texas. You're supposed to buy a pickup truck, so I'm gonna buy a pickup truck. And there's same people like,

I need to stress myself. All right, says the spokesperson to the Texas Department of Motor Vehicle. This year at the nation's first auction, Texas sold 33 plates for $139,400. In the U.S., there's room for vanity to grow. Oh, Jesus. Just when we thought we couldn't be more about ourselves.

Despite having 9.3 million motor vehicles with vanity plates, the 46 states that charged annual fees for them collectively raised only about $177 million. So now they're just gonna make them more expensive because there's no money left because we're just having never-ending wars and we don't fucking own our own currency anymore. The potential market is huge.

Many motorists such as 60-year-old Lee Weaver are devoted to their plates, even if they may cause trouble. Mr. Weaver lives in Virginia, but he's a hardcore Boston Red Sox fan whose license plate says eight Bow Sox. What's that, Carl Yastremski? Well, nobody in Virginia gives a fuck about the Red Sox.

His Toyota Solara has been scratched to pieces, he says. Oh, wow. Oh, they probably just don't like it because he's a Yankee. And he's endured insults and obscene gestures on the highway, especially when he's driving north on I-95 near New York. Yet rather than opting for less noticeable plates,

he wouldn't get rid of his, in a million years, he says, I absolutely love my tags. All right, I'm out of here. I can't read any more of this. All right, worst vanity plates. Let's get this going here. All right, the 10 worst license plates ever approved.

All right, what do we got here? I nominate this for one of the 10 worst fucking websites. Oh, all kinds of ads. Oh, God, am I in this part of the internet? Oh, wait a minute. This is a bad one. This one of the vanity plates says it's LSTN space CNT, which at quick glance reads, listen, cunt.

Pfft. Wow. Oh my God. I don't even know what the X-E-S-T-T-U-B. Now that I've made fun of all of these people, I can't figure out what that's supposed to say. Been trying to post this all day, read more. What does this one mean?

Here's a Tesla owner with LOL oil plates, displaying some of the trademark smugness that these people hate these otherwise, that makes people hate these otherwise cool electric sports cars. Yeah. Pfft. Yeah, and also, you know,

it's not like it didn't take a bunch of raw materials to make your car. It's just different raw materials, right? Well, it's still plastic, I guess lithium for all the batteries. Anyway, have you ever seen a more pitiful, embarrassing plate than this? It could be either a custom license plate

or just very unfortunate set of random state issues. No, I don't think it was. Pull out, P-U-L-O-U-T, and it says choose life. That is fucking unbelievable. Look at these websites. This is how you lose like a fucking three hours of your life. And the winner for most beautiful woman goes to, is some beautiful woman with her perfect tits

fucking hanging out of her shirt. Man gives girlfriend necklace. Two years later, she screams when she realizes, mature trainer. This is what ripped old guys do differently. Top heart surgeons. This simple trick helps empty your bowels every morning. Well, what does a heart surgeon know about your ass?

Wear these shoes. You can walk for hours without discomfort. Jesus Christ, how old am I? Those are my selections. How to be ripped as an old guy. How to be able to take a shit and out of walking some sneakers that won't hurt your feet.

Because why I search for most annoying vanity plates. All right, I apologize. Well, whatever. I'm an old man. All right, let's get to the reads here for this week. You know, somebody, by the way, sent me, I might jump to the last one here. Somebody sent me this thing on airlines

and frequent flyer miles. By the way, there's only three major long distance airlines left in the United States, United, American and Delta. I didn't even realize that. I'm thinking, whatever happened to Eastern Airlines, Pan Am, TWA, Northwest Airlines, you know? At least we still got Southwest.

All right. Yeah, so this guy sent this video. Said, airlines have become banks. A.O. Billy Boosless, big fan of all the stuff you do. And thanks for helping me keep me sane through the last few years. I'll cut to the chase and just recommend this video that explains how the airline loyalty programs

are actually the only way they make money. Thought it would be up your alley. So the name of the video is, if you want to search, sorry, it's called How Airlines Quietly Became Banks. It's just basically talking about how, what gives the airline value is not the planes and all of that shit.

It's their frequent flyer mile programs. And that the way that they're able to manipulate it, move it around, like there used to be, I guess, ways to beat the frequent flyer system. You see those people that just flew, I didn't understand, they just sort of flew around the world for miles, so they wouldn't have to pay. But it was like, I don't know,

it was just this whole weird thing where someone would just fly to Hong Kong and back and then go to fly over to Singapore and shit. And like, I don't know if they can do that anymore because the idiots made videos on how to do it. So the airline's like, oh, is that how you're cheating this system? And then they just closed all those loopholes.

But anyway, they were talking about how their value is basically in their frequent flyer miles and that is treated as currency. So they're able to determine the value of their currency where if you were to fly from Washington, DC to Nantucket or to Boston, it's the same amount of miles. But because you're probably richer if you go to Nantucket, you don't get as many miles and the plane ticket costs more

for convenience and blah, blah, blah. I don't fucking know. All I know is there's no money in aviation and I don't give a fuck what the airlines are doing because I can't believe they can stay in business. So if this is what they have to do, I don't give a fuck. But it was definitely interesting. All right, let's get on to the Gaffigan podcast here.

Bill, as I mentioned, I interviewed Jim Gaffigan. We're supposed to only be half hour Thursday and we talked for like an hour and 40 minutes. So it became the Monday morning and Thursday afternoon podcast last week. Gaffigan podcast, Bill, you outdid yourself. That was the best podcast of the year. For those who haven't listened, it starts off,

we just talk comedy and all that stuff. We talk specials, we just talk to business. And then somewhere along the line, we just started shitting on each other, just making fun of each other. And Gaffigan's one of the best at doing that. And we just had such a great fucking time. Anyways, also, Louis's new special is hilarious.

Critics would be jerking off to it, had the mainstream streaming outlets not been pussies. Thanks for all the podcasts in 2021. Anything better is a great addition. Verzi is hilarious. Love to the family from Georgia. You guys got Vanity Plates out there? Georgia Peach.

South's gonna rise again. Let's see here. Top Georgia Vanity Plates. You know, all my advertising this week is just gonna be Vanity. Oh, here's one. Number one, Georgia Fan. There's one that says girl with the Georgia Bulldog

G on it. Survivor. Oh, God, cancer survivor. Oh my God. So then people are fucking pulling up alongside. Like, did she recently survive? What does it look like to have just survived cancer? I need to pass on the left to see what this looks like.

Um, cancer survivor. And then what if the person behind you just lost somebody to cancer? Ah, I won. I beat, you can't be cancer, I did. All right, Indy, everybody. Hey, Billy Ballbuster, I went with my wife to see your second set Friday night in Indianapolis

and you did not disappoint. My wife was not used to your style of a fendom and then pulling them back to your side. So it was fun to watch your reactions. Most of your observations about Indiana were accurate, including the history of the Klan in the rural areas. Oh, I just kept giving them shit about that. I was saying how I understood hate groups

in the middle of the country. You know what I mean? Because like the farmers, once they cut down their crops, they're paying tax on land that they're not really using at that point. So they just host it. You know, they host a hate group rally. That's like, I was asking them if a Klan rally

was like the rave of Indianapolis, where instead of glow sticks, they had burning crosses. I was having a good time out there. Anyways, this guy says, history of the Klan rallies. He's spelled Klan, C-L-A-N, it's K-L-A-N, right? K-K-K, the Ku Klux Klan. For a long time I said, Ku Klux Klan. I thought it was all that, it's Ku.

But despite the fact that the crowd that night was mostly white, Indianapolis is about 30% black, which is the same as Chicago. We also have an annual Black Expo, where Tyson got arrested. And there are several black celebrities from Indiana, like Mike Epps, Vivica Fox, and George Hill. I think the jokes about Indianot-liking black folks

fell a little flat. Oh, look at this. After he compliments me, he's now defending Indianapolis. Okay, and this white person is gonna tell me what black people feel like in Indianapolis. Okay, I think the jokes about Indianot-liking black folks fell a little flat, not because it was offensive, but it was confusing.

Folks in the Midwest are used to outsiders not knowing shit about them other than sports team. Just wanna give you a friendly heads up. Also, sorry you had to miss your Patriots play while you had another show here. At least you didn't have to watch their asses lose in person. Happy holidays and go fuck yourself.

Sir, you might wanna go fuck and look at how black people are living in Indianapolis. Which in fairness, you could say that about everywhere. It's still the same thing. Indianapolis is about 30% black people. Oh, so it's still 70% white? I don't understand what any of that meant. You have famous black people from there, as do all cities.

It's not why it fell a little flat. Fell a little flat because what I was saying was true. It's not truer than any other city, but it just is what it is, all right? But thank you for chiming in. And they didn't fall a little flat. It fell a little flat between your ears. It was doing fucking great.

At no point when I was saying, I said it every show and I wasn't thinking like, gee, that's odd. It's falling a little flat. It got the reaction I knew it was gonna get. It was fun. Anyway, thank you for chiming in and congratulations on your regular season win. All right, greeting from Africa.

Dear Billy White Devil. He writes just a joke. All right, forgive my English. The fact that you can talk shit in a second language, I'll never, that is so fascinating to me. I have used a translator to write this paragraph. Oh, all right, that's not, you're cheating here. I can speak English well enough to understand

but not write it as good. Well, that's pretty good. I can read French pretty well, but I can't speak it very well. I think what you're doing is better. The virus that has been ruining the world seems to have hit Africa differently. Our doctors attribute it to the malaria medication

we take regularly. It appears that this treatment has become controversial in your country and others despite keeping numbers low and our population more healthy than any other continent on the planet. Now, wait a second. All right, the virus has been ruining the world

seems to have hit Africa differently. Our doctors attribute, oh, I was assuming that it had hit it worse and I was waiting for you to be like, you started off by saying the white devil. I thought you were gonna say that the white man created COVID to deliberately kill Africans. You're going the other way.

Our doctors attribute it to the malaria medication we take regularly. It appears that this treatment has become controversial in your country and others despite keeping numbers low and our population more healthier than any other continent on the planet. Well, yeah, there's a lot of money in treatment.

They wanna make sure that you use their treatment. This is not nothing new. I'm sure that in your country, there's better malaria drugs. They just don't have enough money behind them. It's a dirty business keeping people alive. All right, please don't speculate that it is for other reasons

as your leaders in medicines have been doing to discredit our doctors and methods. Why would I speculate on that? I'm not a doctor. You know, I'm not gonna, I'm not doing that shit. Our society is not, but I did speculate that you do have different, whatever. Our society is not as developed in certain areas

and it makes people think we're all stupid minds. Well, I don't think that. I believe you will be interested in learning more about this because you always fight to know the truth. No, you're on the wrong podcast, buddy. I love your show and your mind brain. I love your mind brain. Thank you for introducing me to American football.

All right, well, thank you for writing it, sir. Thank you for listening all the way over there in Africa. I don't think that you guys are stupid. I appreciate that you respect my mind brain. No, if you got something over there, that's working, that's fucking great. And eventually we will admit if it works, that it does work is once we figure out how, you know,

we can make money off of it and have the biggest fucking people on control it. Yeah, I don't know, I'm overall the COVID shit. I don't even have the passion to even fight. I don't care. I just think that how it's gonna play out is how it's gonna play out and, you know, money's gonna win overall.

And but eventually I do know that they need to keep us alive because they don't wanna dig their own ditches. That is one thing that to say that they're out here trying to thin the fucking herd deliberately and that if anybody gets a vaccination, they're gonna die, I don't know. If you wanna say that it's shortens your life,

if you get it. I don't know, all right, I'll go with that. So what? Gives a fuck. I don't care. I just don't give a shit, all right? I, you know what it is? I don't have an ego as far as my importance, okay?

I know I am not a vital part of human survival and I also understand that I am still alive because they have allowed me to be. So if they decide that they wanna now get rid of me, then you know, I mean, I should have been dead in 1980 when I had a fucking rupture of appendix, but they kept me alive, you know? So like I'm already like 41 years,

I've lived 41 years longer. They've allowed me to. So I'm one of my get mad that they're gonna take my last 15 that I shouldn't even have had. I don't give a fuck. Just out of, you can use a question for you guys if you could write, if you could just write in, okay? Why do you think you're so important?

Or what makes you so goddamn important? Cause it fucking fascinates me how important people think they are and how much they think they fucking matter. Now I'm not saying that I don't respect other people. I absolutely do and I don't wanna be an asshole to you or whatever, but I mean, just as far as like, how important and unique you think you are

when there's seven billion of us. Just think about the way you kill ants. You just see one of your house, you just fuck. Do you ever just sit there and be like, that was that ants one life? Okay, let's see, how long did ants live? Ants life span. Black Garden ants live four years.

Farrow ants four to 12 months. Can ants live up to 30 years? Can ants live, oh, does somebody want it for a lifelong pet? All right, I don't even, like some of this shit that I fucking look up. Anyway, yeah. I think if everybody could just get over themselves,

you know, fucking driving around with a vanity plate, who can't even give a fuck about your stupid ideas? What kind of a douche buys a Tesla and then gets a vanity plate on it, rubbing it in the noses of other people? It's like most people can't afford a Tesla, you fucking cunt. And then also people are like, yeah,

it's gonna be a gas powered tow truck that's gonna tow your car away when you're fucking can't find a place and fucking charge it. People, when you buy a Tesla, you get a charging system put in at your house, you plug it in like a cell phone. Stop acting like you constantly see Teslas

on the side of the road out of power. You charge them, they have over 300 miles. All right, it was a problem when they first came out. It is no longer a problem. There are charging stations all over the place for free. Imagine if you went to the movies and you pulled into a parking spot and you just could fill your gas tank up.

You didn't have to, you just put the nozzle in and it filled it up for you for free. Now, eventually once everybody has them, they're not gonna be free. That's how it works. But right now they gotta get people to switch over. That's what it is, which I think is a good thing. Cause it will lessen our dependency on oil, hopefully.

Nah, I won't because oil fucking runs our country. My big thing is I just want us to have no reason to be in the Middle East. So we can just leave those people alone, let them solve their own fucking problems. But there's too much money in it for us. Anyway, dictator, hello Billy Big Tears Burr. I've often talked about being a dictator slash president

with my friends where we'd go around and all present one sweeping law that would be placed into our society. Mine will combat the obesity problem and here's how. Dude, I love this shit. I wanna hear more of your dictator ideas, people. Anyone over 500 pounds has one year to get under the 500 pound threshold,

or they are set up to be executed. I think that number's a little high, buddy. You know, sure it sounds barbaric, but when has anyone over 500 pounds contributed anything meaningful to society? I just can't believe they stay alive. Once you get so fat, you can't leave your fucking house. You know, like how nice do you have to be?

I bet people over 500 pounds are really nice people. Hey, just wanna let you guys know how much I appreciate it, that you go to Denny's every morning for me to get me 13 grand slam breakfasts before you guys actually walk out the door and go to work. I just lay on my fucking sore-ridden bat eating fucking pancakes. Never, yeah, I mean, just every day you get to stay home.

I mean, it is miserable. Those have to be long weeks, but I mean, there is just something to say, just like, just laying in a big bed, just eating anything you wanna eat. I just keep going, you know, just chowing, fucking watching cartoons. The first year, okay, never once, okay, wait, wait, wait.

Sure it sounds barbaric, but when has anyone over 500 pounds contributed anything meaningful to society? Never once, that's not true. They used to fucking stand in the carnivals. Look how fat he is, oh my God, right? They used to bring an income. It's a rolling annual event,

so you can't just balloon up after that mark. The first year, the limit is 500. Oh, I jumped in too soon. And each year, since the limit is dropped 25 pounds until it's 400 pounds, it reached in a few years, which will remain the constant benchmark. It promotes health and their lives

are truly in their own hands, a true win-win. Looking forward to seeing you in Saratoga next year, and best wishes to you and the family, provided they all under 500 pounds, obviously. Well, why would you stop at 400 pounds? Just then make it 375, down to 350? You know, then all those offensive linemen? If you play an NFL football or college football,

you can be over like 300 pounds, or if you're past a certain height. You know, there'd have to be some loopholes. Oh man, that'd be fucking unreal. What a way to stay in shape. Stay in shape or you're gonna die. Wait a minute, that's what doctors say. You know what it is?

It's because there's not like an actual date. I like it. I think I would vote for the, oh, you can't vote for a dictator. I would be rooting for your military coup. All right, Mayfield Prep. Hey, Billy, Imperial Blaster Master. The guy's name is Mayfeld.

Migs Mayfeld, not Mayfield, although I thought it was Mayfield for a while too. What's up, Bill? Long time listener and fan, and happy to see you crushing it with the acting. Thank you. Speaking of acting, for the scene with you, with Officer, you blasted for his decision

that cost the lives of your character's brother-in-arms. Did you do any research or talk to any vets? I asked because you fucking crushed it. Yes! Thank you. I wrote this email. Your delivery was fucking flawless. See, now these are the kind of compliments

a married man needs to hear. There's a fucking great program. You know, perfect strangers come up and compliment a married man so he remembers what that sounds like. Anyway, he goes, I got chills watching the look you had in tone. And I could connect with that character.

You nailed the sense of humor with no bullshit attitude and we need to have to survive, not just in war, but back in the world. I'd love to see a spin-off centered around you and that character. Anyways, I really would like to know how you'd prep specifically for that scene if you could share.

Thanks and go fuck yourself, a retired army vet. Two Iraq and one Afghanistan. I guess he was three tours over there. Jesus Christ. How did I prepare for that? It was kind of all there on the page. I just read the scene and I was like, oh, wow, this is gonna be the shit.

I knew it was gonna be a great scene and I knew that I was in there with great actors. Rick Family was directing it, so I was like, all right. How did I, you know, I connect with pain. That's all I can tell you. So even though I didn't experience that specific pain, I am able to tap into other shit that happened to me

or the combination of that or just having empathy or something like that. You know what, I honestly don't know. I'm kind of afraid to pull it apart, but yeah, you know what it is? Is you just bring it to a place where you can relate to it. So as much as that guy is playing, you know, a commanding officer and anything,

a commanding officer takes on many different forms. It's just a person that has power over you that was abusive. So you're able to sort of channel that into those words, I would say, maybe that's what it was. And then also, you know, the way it was written, the whole thing was just kind of there. But that's a really interesting question that I didn't, I know I just read the scene, I immediately understood it

and then I remember we were sort of blocking the scene and I remember standing looking over where I was going to be sitting and I was already emotionally like to the point I was like, all right, stop thinking about it. Are you going to fucking do the scene before the scene happens? So yeah, I would say it was something like that. I believe it has something like that. And then also, and then after that, you're like,

okay, now I can relate to this thing. Then you just make choices that aren't going to be obvious. You know, like I told you a few weeks ago, when I was at that Green Bay Packer game and that kid was being an asshole, it's one of my buddies from back Massachusetts just sat down next to him, moved me away from him. And the drunk guy looked at my buddy and he goes, why are you here?

And he just looked at him, he had a half a smile and he goes, why do you think I'm here? You know, and I was just remember like, I just remember moments like that for acting where like if you saw that on the paper, on the page, as an actor, you'd think you'd go, you know, oh, it's a badass line. I got delivered like a badass like, why do you think I'm here?

You know, which is, you know, that's a way you could do it, but that's obvious and then it just sort of becomes cheesy. But the way he did it, where he kind of had a smile on his face, you know, it almost turned it into a fatherly son relationship with, I'm not going to give you the answer son, but I'll help you get there. And then he had a half a smile on his face that said, you know, I don't care whether I win or lose, I just enjoy fighting.

Was a whole other, another level of intimidation. And his friends took that guy and moved him two seats down. I just sort of clock those things, stick it in the memory bank. And then when you come up with a scene like that, you have options so it won't be like, hopefully stale. But I, that's an unbelievable thrill that you got, that you actually lived what I was pretending I lived

and you connected with it. So I really appreciate that. And I'm glad you made it back after two, three tours over there, Jesus. All right, don't fuck with monkeys. Hey, Billy Big Balls, greetings from Chicago. I'm a huge fan of the podcast and recently ran across this news article online.

It's the craziest story I've read in a while and the headline is true art. I knew I had it to send it your way. Thank you, I appreciate it. Apparently a group of monkeys in India are going on revenge killings against a town's dog population after a dog killed a baby monkey.

Hey, wow, yeah. You don't want to fuck with monkeys, man. The monkeys are snatching up the dogs, climbing up on top of something and then throwing dogs to their deaths. Well, I got to tell you something. As far as like how monkeys kill you, that's about as nice, a humane way they could do it.

Apparently the monkeys have nearly wiped out the entire dog population in the town and now the monkeys are turning on children. What? Yeah, see, now they're drunk with power. They're just like people. I put the headline in the link below if you want to check it out yourself.

This can't be real. I know it's a dark story, but I kind of admire the monkey sense of community. I feel like the US should come together like they do in times of adversity. Wouldn't start throwing children down on the ground that didn't do anything. Like start killing, don't kill the thing

that fucking killed, kill all of them and then move on to something else. I think we've already done that over. Yeah. Gee, I wish we could do that. Enraged monkeys killed 250 dogs by dragging them to the top of buildings and dropping them off.

All right, there's already a billion ads coming up on this. So I'm really wondering if this is real. Dropping them off out of revenge after pups kills one of their infants in Indian village. All right, according to local reports, there are barely any dogs left in Laval village. Villagers say monkeys drag dogs up to the high place and drop them to the death,

but without any dog targets, the monkeys are now reportedly turning on children. Enraged monkeys have killed 250 dogs. Panic, stricken residents have come under attack and say the acts of the animals, violence has been carried out in revenge. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, no.

Oh, there's a monkey doing it. Enraged monkeys have... I'm just seeing these pictures of people who look upset. Monkey in town hunts dogs for revenge after infant killed. All right, do I really want to watch this? Picture in media shows a monkey on a rooftop holding a dog. All right, I don't see one throwing one.

One of the monkeys appeared to go for a child in the village before the dog ran at the monkey. This usually isn't a problem. I don't understand what the problem is. We're human beings, they're monkeys. Solve the fucking problem. All right, put out a bunch of bananas and then fucking take out an Uzi.

Then they can understand where they are in the fucking pecking order again. All right, Jesus Christ. It's not like they're monkeys dressed up like human beings and you can't figure out who's the problem. The problem is the monkeys. Go kill the monkeys. All right, airlines have become banks.

Oh, this is what I was telling you guys about. You have to watch that clip there. Oh, man, I want 15 minutes. I went way over here. Okay, that's it everybody. This is the podcast. Thank you for all the letters. Thank you everybody who came out to my shows this year.

Thank you everybody who's gonna come out to Phoenix. Another great year living my dream. Thanks to all you guys that give a shit to listen to my podcast. Show up to my stand-up shows and watch some of my acting work. Please continue to let me know what you would do if you were a dictator.

I would think of some of that stuff. If I was a dictator, oh, Jesus Christ, two things I would do, I'd drive right down to the Federal Reserve and arrest everybody in there, okay? And then I would also declassify everything from the Warren Commission and finally end that fucking argument

of what the fuck happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I would do. All right, those are the first two things off the top of my head, all right? I have a bunch of fucking ideas, none of which I could implement. But that's what's great about an idea. It's just an idea, it's just a thought.

All right, that's it, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Once again, congratulations to the Buffalo Bills. That's one of the big games in your recent history and you motherfuckers showed up. You came to play, play you did and you won and you deserved it, so congratulations. And if my team does not make the playoffs,

I will be rooting for you because there needs to be joy in Buffalo at some point in a sporting way, all right? That is it. The French connection was another high point in the Buffalo Bills, Buffalo, sorry, Sabres history. That's it, all right, I'll talk to you later.