Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-15

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

Bill rambles about lumberjacks, Alan Jazeera and liking the odds.

TITLE Traditions and customs, Anders, but not me. As long as you love me, who do you want to see? Paz, Prunj or Ift? Chocolate, eggs, Dalos in the promo,

so I'll get my lips on it. I'll take two, and how am I with the Eric? From us, I'll pass. Ramadan Mubarak. Enjoy passing and Ramadan with the surprising and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn. And look for the second episode

on www.dewerldinhetklein.be. That's the nice thing about Albert Heijn. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. From Monday, December 28th, 2015, the final Monday, Monday, Monday, of 2015.

Alright, what are you going to do with it, huh? You're going to take advantage of it. You're going to get out there and fucking, huh? I just saw this really douchey commercial. I'm recording this Sunday, while I'm watching the end of the Seattle game, and watching the Packers get their fucking asses kicked by Cardinals.

I just saw this commercial, right? There's this lady. She's in her car, right? Cutie's a button, driving along, and she's in this city, and she's like, there's over 2,460,317 people in this city, and only one me.

And then she goes, I like those odds. And then this chick starts singing, this is my fucking fight. Whatever the fuck I said. This is stupid. I've never seen hype over absolutely nothing. Like, what do you mean you like those odds?

Is there a way to improve those odds? Are you going to drive up on the sidewalk and try to lower the fucking numbers? Yeah, I like those. Yeah, I don't feel like fucking taking out anybody today. I guess I can live with that. Is this like the result of like sports, like athletes and rappers and stuff shit talking?

It's become such a part of the culture that you got to say something dumb like that. Like, back in the day, you'd move to the city and you'd be like, oh, Jesus Christ, look at all these people. Well, you know, I pull my head down and I just give it the old college try and hopefully things work out for me.

And I can get my own little piece of the pie here, right? Now it's all going to be a, yeah, it's fucking 3 million people here and just me. Yeah, yeah, suck my dick. I can handle that. You fucking driving those street in your Ford Focus. Now, fucking you talking about, what do you got in the trunk of your car

that gives you that much confidence, huh? What do you got? You got some gold bars, huh? Anyways, I'm watching the end of the Seattle game here. Cause I feel like the Seahawks are going to come back, you know, old sneaky Pete. Everybody's fucking talking about this guy. They're talking about that guy slowly,

but surely Seattle is clawing their way back into it. Hopefully they'll be on the road. So we don't have to listen to how loud they are again. We're here in Seattle. It's such a loud stadium. Look how loud they are. You just worry about Seattle. You don't see one lumberjack in the fucking crowd, you know,

with all the logging that goes on up there. It's a bunch of coffee drinking cunts, wearing a little Kirk with the Kurt Cobain fucking goatee. You'd think every once in a while, you'd find somebody actually wearing a flannel because they're a lumberjack, not because they're into Pearl Jam. That's all I'm saying.

Was Eddie, did Eddie Veta? Did he used to cut down trees? How about Kurt Cobain? Did they used to do that stuff? Is that what they did? Is that why they dress like that? Or were they mocking? Were they dressing like lumberjacks in an ironic way?

And a foreshadowing of the hipster movement that took hold somewhere in the mid-2000s. Or maybe they were just cold, you know? It's always raining out there. And they have to sing. Maybe they wanted to protect their instrument. I don't fucking know. I saw God jogging down the street today in jeans

and like these sneakers that were mocking running sneakers. And then he had a T-shirt on and this weird sort of tank top. And the exact same haircut of people I used to see have in like 1975, you know? It was just like this. You're trying really fucking hard. I don't understand it. I don't understand just your whole fucking wardrobe

and your look is mocking another decade. Is that what they did? I don't fucking, I don't know. I don't pretend to know. Anyways, let's talk a little sports here. As much as people can't fucking stand. A lot of people can't stand. I don't give a shit.

You know, I don't give a shit. I don't have any advertising this week, okay? That's what it's come down to, you know? Me being a smart aleck in all of these fucking ads, right? And then you guys egging me on. Oh yeah, I'm blaming you. You guys egging me on, you know? I can't walk away from a fucking easy laugh.

Now look at me. I'm ending the year empty-handed. 60 minutes of podcasting and no advertising. And only just one me. I like those odds. What a fucking douche. Ugh, good lord. I'd rather eat glass than fucking have to walk

in that whole fucking YOLO. You know how we do. Ugh, everything is so fucking important. Me and my bros. Oh, don't I just sound like an angry old man? I'm not actually, I'm actually got my feet up. I'm drinking a mila. I'm having a good time.

There's a snow globe within reach. I mean, I don't have a lot to complain about. You know, we're all extinct. I think that's going to be the big thing that aliens will look at one day, you know? But they'll find, they'll unearth these snow globes and they'll try to figure out what the fuck they meant. You know, they probably think it was some sort of power source.

They hovered their hands over it and they somehow could. Anyway, so let's talk about the, let's talk about a little bit of football here. So, I got, you know, word. I didn't even know the fuck I found out about it. That Peyton Manning was accused by all people, Al Jazeera. And God knows if you want to know about the National Football League. I don't know about you guys, but I go to Al Jazeera.com.

You know, I sift through all the Muhammad stories and the fucking what the US government's really doing. And I get to their, their sports page. And I, yeah, then I try to see what's going on in NFL football. So according to this, this Al Jazeera, you know, Al Jazeera USA. All right. The offshoot, you know, kind of like those SUNY fucking colleges, SUNY Delhi, SUNY Syracuse, whatever.

You know those fucking, you know, those colleges that have like more, more chains than like McDonald's. All right. You know what I'm talking about. So anyways, they did some sort of the US version. Did some sort of investigative reporting and allegedly found out that, you know, Peyton Manning and among others had been using HGH and blah, blah, blah, blah. Now, do I believe it?

I don't give a, I don't even give a shit personally. But what was bugging me was the unbelievable lack of coverage. You know, as a Patriots fan, watching my team get accused of every fucking thing under the sun and every fucking accusation being taken as the absolute fucking truth, right? Right through fucking baseball season. You know, other owners hiring people to investigate us

and guess what the fucking study that the losing fucking owner paid for came up with, right? Not a fucking word. Not a fucking word about it. Fucking hilarious. They're saying that Peyton's wife is a pharmacist. I mean, there's enough circumstantial evidence here to get Tom Brady fucking a six game suspension.

It ain't going to happen. You know why? Because it's not the Patriots. It's not the Patriots and also it's Al Jazeera. So I think at some point the whole support, the troops, you know, we're trying to give them freedom. Somehow that kicks in, I think, to it. But, you know, I just look at personally, I don't think he did it.

All right. However, if he did, I don't give a shit. And I don't, it doesn't change any of his fucking numbers to me. The guy was on the ropes. You know, his fucking neck was dislocated from the rest of his body. You know, we could spin it around like an owl. I mean, you can't play football like that.

So he goes overseas or whatever the fuck he did, right? He goes over to the Kobe Center. They stick his fucking liver in a centrifuge. Whatever the fuck it is that they do over there, you know, they spin your blood around on the thing, and they stick it back in you. And then you're like a vampire. You just sit up in the coffin.

And next thing you know, you're taking someone to the rack. I don't have a problem with that. I love that athletes do that shit. I'm not saying Peyton did, obviously. I don't think he did. Oh, Jesus, another fucking Cardinals got a goddamn safety. If they don't take this away, they're going to take this away. We got a penalty on the defense, personal foul,

tackling the quarterback too hard. He got to buy his ankles. That's illegal. You can't touch him in the head. You can't touch him in the ankle. Be careful around his waist. If you could just sort of pick him up and lay him down like a toddler that fell asleep on your sofa and you're just going to tuck him in,

we won't have to throw all these damn flags. Anyways, I don't think he did this shit. But if he did, I'd be excited. I'd be happy that he did it. You know why? Because eventually whatever those fucking doctors learned, allegedly, shooting that shit into fucking grandpa's neck there, eventually that's going to help me out someday when I'm old.

It's funny, I'm older than him, but his body, his body's like fucking, you know, 20 years older than me, right? Although he does have a nice head of hair. I'm just saying everything that these athletes have taken, especially the illegal shit, that's all going to help us in the future. Who knows? Maybe something that they're trying to take to get their ball and socket joint back into place, they'll suddenly find that a side effect

is it grows a nice lion's mane worth a hair, right? And then I'm going to be lining right up for it. That's what happened with Viagra. They were, I don't even remember what the fuck it was supposed to do. It was supposed to do something else. And all of a sudden the guy's like, yeah, you know, my left hand's still twitching, but goddamn it, my dick is standing up. And then they're probably sitting in the booth.

Well, stop thinking about sexual things. We're trying to do an experiment here. And he's like, no, you don't understand. I'm not thinking about anything. And my dick has not stood up in years. And then they all went, wait a minute, wait a minute. And they told the guy to just sit down, right? And then all the scientists got together and they were just going like, wait a

second, wait a second, we just, it didn't fix, fix his left hand twitching, but it made his dick stand up now. I just hear me out. This might be a little gross, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there's a lot of guys over the age of 70 that if they still could, would whip their dick out and fuck something. Now, I think that this is a very large, untapped market of old guys with flaccid cocks that we could bring back to life.

Get them back out there, you know, fucking some prostitutes and getting them and they've been thinking clear for the first time in their life since they had puberty. Let's, let's, let's get them back into trouble again. What do you say? I want to see an 80 year old get a sexual harassment case. Don't you? And actually, you know, you got the blue pills.

So who knows? All I'm saying is all you fucking Patriot cunts out there. Haters out there. All right. You've been trashing the Patriots up and down, lying your asses off. So they stole playbooks and they filmed the last practice and all those lies that were told that were presented as truth until ESPN detracted them at 1230 in the fucking morning.

A bunch of fucking cowards, right? I want you guys to, I want you to treat this circumstantial evidence on old Long Neck Magoo, the same fucking way you did on the dimpled wonder there in New England. I want you guys to fucking talk about it. Okay. I want you to talk about how they've gotten away with murder. I want you to trace it back to Jim Ursay and I want to see this be a big fucking

scandal that goes right through baseball season. All right. Can you guys do it? Come on. I think you got it in you. I mean, if you can take fucking air pressure for fucking eight months, I know you can take HGH and his wife's a pharmacist. Come on.

It's right there. All the circumstantial evidence you need. Where'd you read this? Al Jazeera. That's game set match in a Buffalo Wild Wings. Anyways, I love it. I love it. It's nice to see somebody else get falsely accused and they don't have a fucking

goddamn whatever the fuck is on the side of our helmet. God damn it. Those are ugly uniforms. I've hated those things since day one. I don't understand why this quarterback is wearing Neil Lomax's old number. Or is he wearing number five? I have no idea. Oh, by the way, the Patriots lost to the Jets.

We lost to the Jets and congratulations to the jet fans out there. I know you're all excited. You know, you're all excited. You're like, oh my God, we fucking beat him a wins a win. I know that they're really injured and stuff. And I know, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God. Can you believe that that guy fucked up the coin toss?

He won the coin toss and then he said he was going to kick off and blah, blah, blah. And this is how dumb jet fans are. They actually think that that wasn't a calculated move by the genius Bill Belichick. Everybody thinks that's a big fuck up. Everyone thinks that guy's going to get yelled at by Bill Belichick. You ever think that maybe Bill told him to go out and do that? Say, go out there. All right, is the deal.

If they win the coin toss, they're going to get the ball. All right, if we win the coin toss, you just tell him you're going to kick it. All right, because here's the deal. We're really injured right now. All right. Okay, we got nobody left. We're a fucking division two team here at this point. All right.

I don't know about you guys, but I would love to play the Jets in the playoffs. We all know we can kick their fucking ass. But the problem is, is those green cunts might not make the playoffs. Okay, now we've made it look good here. Okay, we've tied him through the regular season. Let's, you know, let's just make sure they win this one. Maybe they'll, maybe they'll fucking win. Nice tackle by the quarterback on a fumble.

Very nice. Maybe they'll, you know, maybe we'll get to meet him again in the playoffs. Then we'll be healthy and then we'll kick their fucking ass. It'll be one less thing we got to worry about. I know people in New York City. A big thing in New York City is a regular season win. For 90% of your fucking teams, not for the Giants, not for the Yankees, but for the rest of them, it's a big fucking deal.

It's a big deal if the Knicks win a regular season game. It's a big deal if the Brooklyn Nets or the New York Mets or the New York Jets, the New York Rangers, the New York Islanders, the Buffalo Bills, the fucking Savers, any of those other nine ass fucking teams, if they win anything, it's a big deal. So congratulations. I'm fucking with you, man. We totally screwed up, but that could actually be a good thing for us.

You know, I'd love to play the fucking Jets again. I like the odds of us playing the Jets again, having lost to them the previous time. That's one less week I got to worry about. Having said that, I think, I think it's, this is, this is not in-depth analysis whatsoever, but you got to admit, Seattle, Carolina or fucking Phoenix. I mean, Phoenix looks like fucking world beaters. I just don't think the AFC has it. I don't think, I always say that every fucking year.

We won it last year, you know? But who knows? I don't, I don't think we do. All right, enough with that shit. Oh, by the way, you know, it's, you know, something I don't want to hear about. I don't want to hear about the fucking 72 Dolphins drinking their fucking champagne again. You know, I'd love to see a picture of that, all those five foot nine defensive linemen. That's stupid ass team.

I'm so sick hearing about those fucking guys. You know, enough already with the celebrated. You had, they, those kinds didn't have to deal with any sort of pressure. What's compared to nowadays going undefeated. I got to be honest with you. I don't even think the Panthers really had to deal with anything. You know, no, I gave a fuck. It's Carolina.

No, it only matters if it's in Boston or New York. It's the only place pressure matters. There's no pressure anywhere else in the fucking everybody sells your fucking live. And there's just apple pies sitting on a windowsill, you know, telling you guys you're soft fucking with you. I would love to hear Tony Romo's reaction to that after all the fucking shit he's taken in Dallas. It's bad enough. You got to get yelled at by people who can't fucking even play the game at a high school level. You got to look at people who got Botox shot into their face wearing a cowboy hat questioning your abilities under center.

I mean, I just, I just don't understand it. It's got to be brutal as hell. But anyways, getting back to the 72 dolphins, those fucking cunts back in the day. Like I told you, sports was the last five minutes of the local news. That's it. That was it. There was no big fucking story. You know, you don't people watch sports back then were sports fans.

That was it. Half the halftime show at the Super Bowl would be like some local college band. Yeah, and then that, then that, that, that, that, that'd be a regular fucking halftime. They played the Super Bowl during the day. It was like light out on the, on the fucking East Coast. They played it outside. Okay, sorry. Anyways, I really don't want to hear about that.

I just being honest, I'm not trying to be a cunt. I'm just saying, by the way, I'm watching this, as I mentioned, I'm watching this Arizona Green Bay game. Is anybody else hearing that fucking lady every time the Packers have the balls screaming or that little kid? Every time they, every time there's a play, you just hear, It's been driving me nuts. Um, all right.

I'm just switched over 2310 St. Louis over Seattle. Seattle's got the ball in there driving. Oh, this is perfect. They're down by two scores, two touchdowns. They're going to win 24-23. There's three minutes left. We'll see what happens. We will see what happened.

You know, it's funny. You guys already know what happens. Why am I saying this? Like, it's an amazing thing. All right. So here's something for you this weekend, right? I drove out to visit some family, right? Some family and, um, the fucking, uh, you know, we leave it like 11 in the morning because

my wife likes to sleep, you know, and one thing I've learned, one thing, you know, when I was a kid, like, um, in my house, if someone was sleeping and you had something to say to them, you just started talking to them, which was so fucking annoying. And, um, I just fucking, you know, I just don't do that to people. You know what I mean? I tried to correct a few of the fucked up things that happened to me. Um, so my wife sleep and I'm just sitting there going, Oh my God, this trappers can be horrific, which it was, of course, it was absolutely horrific.

And, um, we ended up, uh, we get on the highway, we're driving, we're driving, we're driving. There's just this fucking ridiculous traffic. And then my wife, of course, has to pee, all right? Which is one of the things that happens when you travel with the woman. Okay. They're going to be putting makeup on the car. They're going to make you fucking an hour late at least. And at some point they're going to have to pee.

So she's trying to hold it and she finally just goes, I can't hold it. I got to go. So I pull off the first fucking exit and the first fucking exit I pull into, um, there was like a circle K and a McDonald's. So I go for the McDonald's and, uh, it turns out the McDonald's is part of this fucking, uh, one of the, what do you call this? An outlet mall. And this is the day after Christmas.

And, uh, I would think the day after Christmas, there'd be nobody at a fucking mall. Right? You got all your gifts. It's fucking over, right? Stay home. Enjoy the day off. Dude, I get that it's fucking mobbed. You can't even get in like my wife had to get out in traffic because you couldn't hold

anymore to run into the fucking McDonald's. And then I'm stuck in this traffic jam of fucking animals, bunch of fucking animals. They're all walking, first of all, they're not walking on the sidewalk. They're walking out where the cars are driving, looking for parking spots. And of course they're walking three, four abreast. I swear to God, but the population problem, shouldn't you at least be able to just clip the last one? Just fucking run him over a bunch of fucking animals, just walking around, coming out with

more bags of shit. It's like, didn't you just get a bunch of shit? So, um, of course my wife goes in there, you know, she's going to use the ladies' room and there's always a fucking line. I don't know what they do in there, but you know, whatever, whatever a guy does, if a woman's doing it, you got to add like another 60% time, all right? If it takes you a minute, it's going to take her a minute and 40, right? You get involved with something that's going to take you 10 minutes, you know, it's, you

see what happens. It's going to take them 16 minutes and so on. And that's on a good fucking day. That's on a good fucking day. So she goes in there. Of course it's like fucking nine million, oh, that's a fumble. That's a fumble. Right there.

His knee wasn't on the ground. The ball came. Bad right there. Right. It's a fumble. Game over. The rams. Are they going to beat him twice in one season?

Same old rams. What do we got here? Welcome to the video booth. P Carroll is upset. The rams are doing little dances like they've, they've done something in the last fucking 15 years. What are they so excited about? Oh, they got the ball.

I was just going to say how the fuck is it raining in, uh, in, uh, in St. Louis? They got a dome. Then I realized, uh, the home teams, I'll never get used to that. The home team not wearing white. Oh, that's funny. This guy, this guy's yelling at the, somebody in the crowd. I don't care. I don't give a fuck, man.

I don't give a fuck. You know what he's saying. Yeah, we want a super bowl. You never want shit. I don't give a fuck. Yes, you do. Um, that's hilarious. Oh, the rams.

Why are they? Oh, the rams are being idiots right now. They're fucking, they're talking trash to the St. Louis fans. How does that help you? How does that help you give them something to rally around? This is hilarious. The Seattle fans are getting the treatment they exact, they, they fucking deserve. And they, you know, I guarantee they're going to get fucking offended.

Um, oh my God, well, at least there are a bunch of lumberjacks in the crowd. So they, you know what? Now that it's raining and they're losing, like all the fucking tech geeks are going to go leave and go to a coffee shop, take out their mittens, you know, those fragile women too that like drink coffee. They got to hold it with both hands because they're fucking, they're, they're appendages that are always fucking cold. Is that what you call your fingers, flanges, Tarsals, metal Tarsals, flanges, carpals,

metacarpals, flanges. Is that what I learned in biology class way back in the day? Ah, for Christ's sake, quit running the fucking ball and try to get a first down, you pussies. Well, you don't throw the ball in this area. Now really? Why is it easier in another area? All right, Bill, let it go. You know, this is usually the time I would take a break.

I'd take a break and I would read a, read a little bit of advertising. I never thought I'd say this. I actually miss it. I actually miss reading out loud. Well, why don't I read about Peyton Manning out loud? Little bit of advertising this week. Peyton Manning said he is furious and disgusted at an Al Jazeera report. The second it says Al Jazeera, this thing just holds no fucking water.

That identified the Denver Broncos quarterback. You know, where the fuck does Al Jazeera get off doing a fucking, you know what I mean? Everybody getting out of their wheelhouse. The second I was on Jimmy Fallon, I was talking about McDonald's. They started making salad. You don't make salads. The fuck are you doing? No one's going to McDonald's to get a salad.

Nobody goes to Al Jazeera to fucking learn about what's going on in the NFL. Hey, he's fucking idiot. When I want to be better homes and garden and find out what's going on and fucking hockey, you know, I'm sorry, I should be a little more open minded, shouldn't I? Right? Being the Hollywood liberal cunt that I am. Well, shouldn't I? So my wife has a new vehicle and it's got all the latest technology on it.

And this thing, it has like these sensors. So if you get anywhere near anything, like when you're first starting to get close, it just goes, you get a little closer, it goes, and then when you're in danger of hitting somebody just goes, so every time you back out of my fucked up driveway, because there's no room and it's shaped like an upside down triangle with a wall star closing in. After I'm backing up the fucking thing, it's going like doing the whole thing. And I'm just in there just going, scream it like it literally, I have the same fucking anxiety I had when I backed that thing up because of those stupid fucking ringing things.

It's like when I was a kid, I used to watch those action movies and I used to believe at some point that that Stallone or Schwarzenegger could actually die in one of their own movies, you know, in the end, when they would be like, do I clip the red wire or the white wire, you know, and it's counting down three, two, well, like that level is stress as I'm just backing out. So what I've learned to do is I've learned to block it out like now. I just accept that that's what it's going to do, you know, and I was actually thinking, this must be like what field go kickers do where they don't see those fat meat titted fucks behind the, uh, they just see the, they just see the goalpost, right?

I'm just going to put it right through there and they don't, they don't see all those people flapping their arms and screaming and jumping up and down and doing whatever the fuck it is that they, they feel like they should be doing, you know, or like when you go to take a foul shot, it's the same thing. Like that's the mental space. I feel like I have to go into just a back, a fucking caravan or whatever the fuck we got here. I didn't fucking call it style of vehicle out of the goddamn driveway. Anyways, can you tell them Phillip Buster in here? You know, I'm trying to get to a half an hour and then I'm going to do the fucking, uh, I'm going to do the reads for the week.

Oh, by the way, thank you for everybody for up and who's been watching efforts for family. I just, I got word from somebody who knows one of the guys at the top of a Netflix food chain there and they said that efforts for family is killing it. So I want to thank you guys for that. And, uh, we're already starting to think about, you know, what we can do in season two to take it to a new level, um, you know, provided they fucking, you know, give us one. We'll see. Oh, who's that? Which barber is that? Is that Tiki or Ronde? I don't know. Oh, but you know what? The guy, the guy who run Fox, that's the guy who used to be on ESPN a long time ago and all of a sudden he was just gone. He was gone. You

know, he was one of the guys. I got the idea for that pilot I did with the always sunny guys that for some reason they didn't fucking pick up one of those guys that was just there and then they just gone. You're like, what the fuck ever happened to that guy? Whatever happened to hang on a second. I got, I got to turn the light on. It's getting dark here. Hey, here's something positive you guys can think you can think about here is that as of what the 22nd or the 21st or whatever, the days are now getting lighter, al fucking lighter. Um, how do you know if you broke your toe? I know what the fuck is wrong with my toe. Every time I bend it a little bit, I get a shot of pain. I can't tell if it's

just cause I'm fucking old. I just have old feet now. Speaking of old feet, I was in CVS, you know, and they got the foot aisle. I was trying to find these Ziploc bags cause I'm going to make a bunch of those round fucking ice cubes. I'm sticking them in a Ziploc bag and stuffing them in the cooler for the Rose Bowl. So when we drink scotch at like seven in the morning out of glasses, you know, we can have a little round ice cubes. You know what I mean? It's all about the fucking tailgate, right? So this is all I'm thinking about. So I'm going into CVS. I went to the gym this morning and it wasn't open. It's how early I got there, but the CVS was open. So I was like, I know I'm going to go in there

and I'm going to get some Ziploc bags and I come walking in there and there's two employees, one of them is fucking vacuuming the other one's stuck in the goddamn shelves. So, and all I see is a bunch of self-checkout things and people checking themselves out and I'm like, I'm not fucking doing this. So I just walk up to the register, I'm standing there, I'm standing there and then the lady comes by with the vacuum cleaner and the fucking store is open. She goes, oh, it's just, just the self-helps are open now. And I just said, well, I don't do that. And I just said, I just left the shit and walked out. What it should have been was like, I don't do that stuff. I need someone to help me at this

register right now. And they're just like, well, I can't help you because there's no customer service anymore. And when I was sitting, I left and I just sat there thinking about it going like, you know what, that's going to be the future. And the future, there's going to be nobody works. So you're just going to walk in like at night when there's nobody there, they're going to stock the shelves and then they're just going to fucking leave. And then during the day, you know, you walk in and then what you have to do is you pick out whatever's there and then you scan it, you bag it yourself and then you leave. And if you go and try and steal anything, there's going to be one of those big robo cop looking

things in the corner and it will fucking blow your brains out and it'll be justified because human life won't mean shit at that point because there's not going to be enough food or water left. So, you know, and no one's going to feel bad that you're dead. Even your own family at that point, they're like, good, well, one less fucking grumbling stomach in the house. Right. That's what I got out of that experience. So then anyways, I go up to the fucking gym. You know, it kills me. There's a person at my gym and they have a pit bull and they, they tie it up to the rail and they go in and they work out. And every time I come walking out and I look at that pit bull, it looks so fucking sad. It's, you come walking out,

it's just looking at you like, are you my owner? Cause I'm not enjoying sitting here. Feels so fucking bad for the thing. It's unbelievable the contempt I have for humanity. You just give me one fucking, I love dogs. They're the fucking, I don't even mind cats and they're cunts, you know what I mean? But they're not pollutant rivers, right? Cats don't make me fucking scan my own shit and bag it. Do they? Although they do shit in the house, but you know that when you get them. That's a great play right there. You know something, the guy, you know, the, uh, oh, I almost call him Russell Peters, Russell, uh, Rabinowitz there. What the fuck's the quarterback for? I don't know any, but Russell Wilson, right? Thank God he

turned around so I could read it on his back and he fucking overthrew somebody. And back in the day, the guy was jumping up, you know, back in the day, safety would have come over and just fucking give the guy a nice fucking headshot. And he pulled up, he did hit him. That is a good thing. That is a good thing. It hasn't been done for good reason. I mean, they just did it because why they don't want to get fucking sued. You know, you know, I heard that Will Smith concussion movie that, uh, the NFL made him take a lot of shit out of it. You're probably like, well, what the fuck does NFL have to do with Hollywood? Well, if you follow the family fucking tree of the corporations, I think it somehow ESPN is owned

by ABC and they own some movie fucking thing and the NFL is on ESPN. They go, Hey, can you take out all the shit that implicates us for looking the other way and just Disney fire it just a little bit? Could you do that for us? Or else we'll go to another network and they're like, yeah, sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. Touchdown Seattle. See that? Now that right there should scare people as much as those Ram fans are fucking waving at the Seattle fans. You know, we're going to go hold a fucking candlelight village for a village. Oh no. What is the word? A candlelight? It's not village. Do you know how many times I fucking heard that in my life? And I've never said it out loud and I don't know how to say

it. Does this mean I'm dumb or is this like happening to people? Candlelight. You know, this is what I do now when I don't know something. I'm going to type in had, I wrote hand had a vigil is what it is, right? Village. Candlelight and it's coming up dinner. Vigil. The fuck is a vigil? Sounds like the name of a fucking old guy. Vigil, get in here. Vigil, a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch or pray. That's hilarious. Anytime you like candles at night, people call it a vigil. It's like, dude, well, what's when's your bedtime? Well, all right then, it's not a vigil yet. You got to fucking be here at one in the morning, two in the morning. All depends on what you

do. Do you do coke? Would you do coke tonight? All right. Well, you got to be holding that candle still at seven in the morning. All right. What are we doing here? What are we doing here, Bill? We're fucking looking up words because you're a dope. All right. Well, you know, that happens. It happens. Fucking relax. All right. Time to add 37 minutes and we can, we can read a few here. We can read a few Jesus. How fucking fucked up is that Terry Bradshaw shingles commercial? He just barge it into people's houses and start showing them pictures of open source. I have no idea what shingles is, but he said, do you eat chicken? And the person was like, yeah, he goes, sit down. They always scare the fuck

out of you. But then you look at Terry, he doesn't have any open source. So, you know, he didn't get vaccinated. So I think he's just complaining that it hurt a lot. Shit. Now I got to look up shingles and you know, they're going to take me to the roof. Shingles, shangles. Oh my God. You know, do all the white people get shingles or do they only care about white people getting shingles? It's one or the other because all they have to show in some just drawn white guy where it looks like somebody just an alien clawed his ribcage shingles herpes zoster. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. The fuck part of the internet of my on, you know, it's fucked up when the first like 10 are all medical before you even get to wiki wiki's usually the first thing

like with vigil. They don't give a fuck. Right. All right. You got to go to Wikipedia. Take it to my level. Shingles also known as zoster herpes zoster or zoster. I don't know. Or zona is a viral disease characterized by a painful skin rash. Oh, tough enough. Fuck up. Put some talc and powder on it with blisters involving a limited area. Typically the rash occurs on either the left or the right of the body or face in a single stripe. Two to four days before the rash occurs, they may be pain or tingling in the area. Otherwise, there are typically few symptoms. The rash usually heals within two to four weeks. However, some people develop ongoing nerve pain, which may last for months or years. A condition called post therapeutic neurologic. In those with poor

immune function, the rash may occur widely. If the rash involves the eye vision loss may occur. Well, I got to tell you nothing. And that told me to get a vaccine. I'll roll the dice. Gives a shit. It's a great excuse to take three, four weeks off of your life. I'd love to come in, but I got shingles. Then, you know, they clear up in two weeks and two weeks later, you're like, I still got them. Think I should be good next week. You just take a month off. The fuck wouldn't want to do that. You get to act like a homeless person, but you're inside, which I think is probably the best kind of homelessness, right? I'm sorry. All right, let's get to some questions here for the week. All right, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. You know, I never thought I'd like Miller light and

they brought back this old school bottle. And I keep them nice and cold. And I don't know. I like a Pilsner. All right, psychos. Wait a minute, what the fuck am I doing? The 17 seconds left. Here comes an onsite kick. Seattle is down by six points. Alcoa presented and he kicks the ball off and he kicked it out of bounds. Ah, Jesus, the headset's coming off. I love when there's anything better when your coach takes the headset off. It's fucking over. Takes it off with a smile on his face. I should say. All right, here we go. Psychos. Hey, Bill, you got a lot of emails with very specific situation, uh, situations, situations as they used to say in the sopranos. All right, I'm not going to lay out every detail of what I'm dealing with, but I'd like to get some advice

from you. How do you deal with psychos? Do you ignore them? Do you engage and confront them? Very general question, I know, but let's say someone is talking shit and they're just a sociopath making shit up. I ignored it, but now the problem is getting bigger. I'm thinking about just blowing the whole thing up and confronting everyone involved. Again, I know I'm not giving you all the details, but the truth is it's just that simple and I don't want to bore your listeners with dramatic details. Well, dude, the dramatic details is how I stretch this shit out for an hour. Anyways, he goes, I should mention, I do have to see the psychos occasionally. So it's not like an out of sight, out of mind thing. Thanks. Love the new show. Oh, thank you. Um, all right. So, you

know, you're not talking about psychos on the train. Psychos on the train, you just ignore. You know what I mean? Until you can't, they're coming at you. Then you got to do the old front kick a little right there. Fred, you're always got to go with your feet with fucking psychos. Gotta go with your feet. You don't want any open skin touching a psycho. You don't know what they got. They bite, they scratch. They're fucking horrific. Again, the old right there, Fred, right to the fucking chest like that guy who fucking kicked the guy in his leg broke. He used to come into the octagon with like a fucking like a spider. The fuck was his name? He's one of the legends of all time. I'm not disrespecting him right now. I just don't watch enough of that UFC stuff. All I

know is if I could steal any move from mixed martial arts, it would be his front kick where a guy knows he's in a fight with you. A professional fighter knows he's in a fight with you. And you just front kick is so goddamn sly. It comes right up and underneath, right between both his arms, right under the person's jaw, right there, Fred, and then you're on your back. It's fucking over. Anyways, how do you deal with psychos? All right, are you saying women or these men, do you ignore them? Do you engage, confront them? Very general question. I know, but let's say someone is talking shit and they just, they're just a sociopath making shit up. I'm always a fan of walking away. If you can just walk up there, just psychos, just fucking walk away, but you got to

see him every day. Um, you know what, dude, you need to write back in next week and get me more details because I got to see like, what is your relationship to them? You know, or as what they're saying, so embarrassing, you don't want to tell me, you don't need to tell me what the fuck they're saying or doing. Um, you said, I do have to see the psychos occasionally. You got to see him occasionally. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, dude. This is so fucking vague. I have no idea. I can tell you that if they're in your, uh, I don't know. I'm a big, you know, cutting the head off the snake kind of thing. And that doesn't mean you got to fucking confront somebody. I mean, you just cut them out of your life. It's just done. You know what

I mean? And sometimes that involves the conversation. And sometimes it just involves just, just creating a new life somewhere else. Go to a different bar, get in, you sound young, get another fucking job, whatever the fuck it is, just leave. Get on with your fucking life. It gives a fuck. Life's too short. You know what I mean? But you don't need to be getting involved in, you know, screaming and yelling and that reality shows stuff and, oh no, you didn't bitch. And then you fucking slap each other or whatever the fuck happens nowadays. I wouldn't, uh, I wouldn't be involved in it. I mean, I'm just, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, dude. You didn't give me enough information. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm failing you here. So write in again next week and I'll do

my best. All right. Okay. No presence. Oh, dear Bill, love your work. I know you will judge me and hate me, but hear me out. Uh, I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year. We're, we are both young. Uh, well women are such, they're such geniuses. You know what I mean? Like she already has me going like, no, I won't judge you. I haven't even heard the fuck you're going to say, you know, they're brilliant. She just fucking right there. That Star Trek shit that when they put the worm in the guy's helmet, she used, she's already, she's in my brain. All right. We are both young, but from completely different backgrounds. I am a European from a middle-class family while his family is loaded and their culture is generally very generous. Don't get me wrong. I make my own

living and can afford anything I want. We love each other crazily. I travel all the time and get him presents on a weekly basis, perfumes, perfumes. All right. I'm going to say that's a language barrier thing. Cologne. You mean shoes, clothes, you name it. Uh, I love making my loved ones happy and never expect anything. I pull my wallet out for every single dinner and we always pay half if we stay in a hotel or travel. You're all aces so far. Why am I going to judge you or hate you? Gee, what's going to happen in the second half here? Um, lately, lately, uh, it was our anniversary. I got him a nice present, but he didn't get, he didn't even give me a flower. I said, I'm so sorry. I'll make it up tomorrow. Uh, she goes, I'm the kind of person who always says, no,

come on. I don't need anything. Uh, for Christmas, I invited his family and friends, cooked an amazing dinner, gave every single one of them presents, didn't get a thing. What from him too? I live far away from where I'm from and he's the only one I have. So I felt like a kid who had been bad the whole year and woke up the next day to a Christmas tree was called. Oh, he didn't even get you anything. I tried my best to stay positive. At the end of the day, I can go and get myself any stupid stuff I want. It's really not about things. I've never felt so bad about myself and I'm really so, am I really so shallow to cry about a stupid president present? But I promise, but I promise it would make me so happy to know that he found the time to pass by a shop and get me a lip gloss or

whatever. All right. I'm no hippie who doesn't appreciate nice stuff. I constantly give gifts to family members. We were all in a great list. Okay. You've said this a zillion times. I would love to hear your opinion about it. I know this makes me sound like a materialistic cunt. Not if you went and you made a dinner and bought them all this other stuff. Jesus Christ. But I wanted to keep the email minimal. You didn't keep it minimal. And I like how you keep going like, Hey, I'm just, you know, I'm just, this might be your problem. I know you're going to hate me, but I don't know what you're doing here. I don't want you to think I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You almost I think you need a little more self esteem unless this is your own way of getting me to say what

you want. Anyways, he said he saw me sad and asked what was wrong and I couldn't hold it anymore. I said it was Christmas time and I did not get a single gift from anyone in this world. Try not to sound like I'm blaming him. I said my parents and brothers or whatever he said I should be grateful for what I have, et cetera. I cried and apologized and said how bad I've made him feel, but you got him something too, but I have a feeling nothing will change. When I was little, I would save for months to get my family something. He never experienced anything like that. He has everything you could possibly imagine. I guess presents are a norm receiving them, not giving them. Oh, I don't know. I really wish to get the answers. Am I a dumb, shallow person? I don't want to stop giving him

presents for the essential occasions, even if he never gives me a thing. Thank you for everything. Happy New Year. If this email is even remotely true, that guy's a fucking sociopath and you can do way better. I don't give a fuck how much money he has. If that's remotely true, I find it hard to believe that his family came over, you cooked him a dinner, you got all of them gifts and they didn't get you anything. If that is true, and he's rich and you're from a lower class, I'm starting to think the family doesn't think you're good enough for them. They wanted to make a statement and maybe they don't even need to. The fact that he didn't get you anything, maybe he's just banging you. Although it's kind of weird to spend the holidays with some chick, you're just banging. I don't know.

Something's not right then. You're not happy. You're not getting what you want and he doesn't see you. He seemed like he was a cunt about it. So I would say in 2016, move on to something else. That's what I would say. Unless he really just has fuck you money and then you got to do what he's going to do eventually is have a mistress on the side, a manstress. Start fucking the God now. Yeah, I would get rid of the guy. If what you're saying is even remote, that's such a one sided fucking story. I find it hard to believe that anybody could be that fucking cold or oblivious. And that's coming from me who's a fucking dope. But if that is even remotely true, yeah, I would just get out of the relationship. It's great. You're not married. You don't have any kids. Simple. It's a conversation.

You know, nowadays it could be a text message. Dear so and so not feeling it. Take it easy. Send. Then you change your number. Just yeah, it's over. All right, local sports talk. Dear Billy Cosell. I'm listening to some old podcasts and hearing you justifiably bitch about sports talk radio and sports commentating has become really comforting. I thought maybe I was becoming a miserable grump in his 30s, but I'm not. I live in Houston. And like any other city with the sports presence, I'm tired of all of all of what I call sports drama. I'm a little younger than you. But I remember the days when the game was all was all people talked about the actual game, not just the pointless what ifs that consume every program and conversation. Next

time you or any of your listeners listen to any of that, follow up each comment with these questions. Did they say anything? Does this provide any insight beyond that of some jackass at a bar? Is this what my grandfather fought for during the big one? I'm not completely pessimistic, though. I think there are some great analysis analysis out there and people who stay focused. I try and only listen to people who aren't trying to create a name for themselves through loudmouth comments and wild claims just to gain attention. I still like listening to people talk about sports in some respect. rant inspired boy, in some respect, ran inspired me to look for something else. So I found a local podcast called Houston sports talk. I think you've edited out some words there. I read every word of

that sentence and it made no sense to me. But I think you're listening to a new podcast in Houston called Houston sports talk. Anyways, plain and simple. It's been a lifesaver. Thanks for making me feel better about my position on this subject. Love f is for family. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you got to be, you know, as much as I make fun of ESPN, you got to have some empathy where they're trying to fill up 24 hours a day. And a lot of times, they're just simply isn't enough to do it, which is probably one of the main reasons why the Tom Brady fucking thing went right through baseball season. There was just no other scandals going on air quotes scandals. So that's what they do. I just I can't sit there and watch like right now, the game is over. And I'm watching some guy

Dan Quinn, you know, giving out game balls and people clapping in all different states of dress like what Why do I need to see this? I don't give a shit. I know the Falcons one. I just want to see the highlights. I don't want to see some guy in a jockstrap. I don't I don't need to see that. You know, a day right now, there was a huge win for the Falcons of Atlanta, the international football league. But was it too little too late when we return as the coaches just here on the chopping block? What's next for for Matty Ice? Does he stay in Atlanta? Is he going to re up or is he going to look for greater pastor? All right, dating someone with zero ambition. A Billy Dick fingers. I don't even know what the fuck that means. But I like it. I got to tell you, I like it. A Billy Dick

fingers. I recently started listening to your podcast and you got me hooked. Always love to stand up. And when I found out you have a podcast, shit was like a gift from God. Oh, aren't you a sweetheart? Anyways, anyways, I've been dating this lady for almost three years now. Things are going well. But I'm starting to get a little concerned about her. She started hanging around some people who I feel are a bad influence to her. They drink and she lets them drive her drunk. Oh, God, that's not good. And all they do is smoke pot and dick around. Now I like when my girl can get out of the house and go have fun with their friends, but it's starting to influence her personality. And whenever I try to call her out, she says bullshit, like, okay, mom, or let me live my life. I've

recently been getting my creative slash ambitious crunch on and I'm working on big things, turning my hobby of music into a profession. I'm trying to come up successfully in life and found myself at a critical point where I need to cut all the negative people out of my life. Dude, you got your fucking head screwed on straight. Exactly. You're doing shit. She's not doing shit. Right? This goes the same way the other way around. If you're a woman and you got your shit together and you're with somebody does not have their shit together, you should be looking at, you know, and you fired some warning shots and they're like, okay, mom, whatever. It's just like, all right, dude, all right, go live that life. But those fucking people will drag you down with them. All right. God damn anchor around your

neck. So anyways, content. I love this email so far. Right now, her lack of ambition and need to sit around all day and smoke pot is kind of soul crushing and disappointing. I really love this girl, but I'm afraid I'll lose her to these shithead friends and she'll become a completely different person. How do I try and help her get her shit together without seeming like a controlling douche? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I would memorize your last three sentences and I would just say it to her in a nice way. Just say, listen, I'll paraphrase what you wrote. I really love you. But I'm afraid that I'm going to lose you. I had these shithead friends. All right, I can't do it. Listen, you just sit her down and just say, listen, I need to talk to you. All right, put down the

bomb. Focus. All right. You know, I love you. But I got to tell you, I've been concerned with the people that you've been hanging around with lately. And I'm really feeling like it's starting to influence. Let me finish. Just let me finish. You don't have to agree with me. I feel like it's influencing your behavior. Before you hung out with these people, you're doing X, Y and Z. Now you just kind of sit around the house smoking pot all day and it's soul crushing to me. Okay, it doesn't motivate me and I love you. And to see you sitting there doing nothing with your life is killing me. All right. I need you to turn it around. Okay. And this is not a little thing. This is a major crossroads. I can't say that. Just say I need you to do something about it. And then this is the

deal. Either she does or she doesn't. And if she doesn't, you fucking walk because I don't give a fuck how much you love this woman. You're gonna end up resenting her and hating her because she's going to take you down with her. That's it. That's the mom. That's the mother of your kids sitting around fucking, you know, smelling like bong water, watching Bravo TV all fucking day. You can't have it. You can't have it. You can't have it. It's it. All right. Is what you take her out back like fucking like Paulie. Paulie talked to Henry Hill about drugs. Stay away from that shit. I'm not saying slap her in the face. I'm just saying, you know, just sit there as you're cooking something. Stay away from that shit. All right. I don't want that shit in my life. That's not

going to happen to me. All right. I got a friend of mine. He's got a wife who's a total fucking pothead. Okay. He's only making 30 grand a year. That guy was on his way to be an executive. Right. That ain't happened for me. He's going to die in that cubicle. That ain't happened to me. Dude, you're doing exactly what you need to do here. And you're questioning the right thing. And I'm going to tell you something, you're going to be successful in life. Because not only did you recognize this and the person that you're with, despite the fact that you love them, all right, you're motivated yourself. And you understand already to get negative people out of your life, dude, you got to fucking do it. Okay. This is, this is a one time conversation. All right. That's

it. Get your shit together. You say it nicely. All right. If you don't see, you don't see him turning around. That's it. That's it. Fuck that dude. There's so many fucking great, motivated people out there that you could be with. Okay. You don't, you don't need to shift the fucking way you would. You're already a parent. You're not even a parent yet. You got a big fucking baby sitting there. That's on drugs. The worst kind of a baby, an adult one on drugs. You got me heated here. Sorry. All right. That's the podcast. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday, which I believe is New Year's. Is that New Year's Day? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's today's date? I said it earlier, right? Monday the 28th, 29, 30, 31. I'll do one. I'll do one. Hey, maybe I'll have

Paul Verzi. He's going to be in town because we're going to be at the, the orphan in downtown LA for two wonderful shows. Everybody to end this amazing fucking year that I had every year just keeps getting better. And this year was no different. I want to thank everybody who's been watching efforts for family and tweeting about it and Facebook and doing all the social media. Oh, wait a minute. Look at this manning under fire. It's made the local LA news. What a fucking travesty. If anybody has never done Royce, it's Peyton Manning. He's had a dad body his entire fucking career. Leave the guy alone. He did a cycle just to get back out there. It's because he loved the game. It gives a fuck. Anyways, that's coming from a Patriots fan too. I love the guy.

I don't fucking, you know, I've given a lot of shit over the years, but he was a rival. What do you want from me? All right. Anyways, that I want to thank everybody once again for telling people about it, for watching it, for rewatching it. Please keep spreading the word. That's the best hope we have for getting a second season. Netflix has a ton of content and a finite amount of money. Just because we're doing well doesn't mean we're going to get a second season. So please help spread the word. That is it. That is it. That is all. I will talk to you on Thursday. All right. I'll check it on you. All right. See you.