Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-28-20

Episode Date: December 29, 2020

Bill rambles about technology, c**t neighbors, and salads.

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December 28th, 2020. What's going on? Hawaii. It's the last Monday of the fucking 2020. Ba-da-p-da-da-da-da-da-doodoo-doo-doo-doo, ba-ba-ba-ba-booo. Sorry. Hey, you know, there's a lot of people right now talking a lot of shit about 2020. You know, thank God, it's fucking years over.

If you think that the beginning of January is going to be any better than the end of December, just because the number went from 20 to 21, you're sadly mistaken. All right? It's not about years. Okay? It's not about years. I don't know what it's about. I don't know.

I think next year is going to be fucking amazing, though. I really do. I just, I want to see how this whole thing plays out. Okay? So we got Dum-Dum is leaving office, and now we have a dude who I think has dementia, a warmonger with dementia, is coming in. And they're both liberal larries, but for some reason they love keeping people of color in prison.

I don't know what, nonviolent in prison. So this is going to be a really weird year. We're going to see. And then the vaccine's coming out, and then you got all these people that are going to take it, and then people say, don't take it, and then it's going to be all this amazing misinformation presented as fact. It's going to be on the internet. I don't know.

All I know is my doctor took it. So, you know, I mean, how big is this conspiracy? It's that big that even doctors are in on it that I can go see. Not like the Bilderberg group doctors. You know, the ones that keep Dick Cheney alive? It's all the way down to my doctor that I can just call him up. Yeah, come on down Tuesday. I'll take a look at you.

We shall see. Oh, Billy, salad face. Oh, Billy, salad fate's been crushing it. Oh, Billy, you had a lettuce. Oh, that was a weird burp. Did you hear that? That's the one where you're like inhaling and you're still burp. So it like goes off inside, inside your body.

You know, like one of those maniacs in the military finds a bomb and they put that thing around it and they get it to go up. We get it, Bill. We get it. We also burp. Anyway, it's raining out here. It never rains in California. Remember that song?

But boy, don't they warn you. It pours, man, it pours. Yeah, I went outside and I did some dad shit. I went out and I stood in the driveway, you know, legs spread apart like a state trooper. Arms crossed, just watching the water coming down the driveway, making sure it's going down the drains, clearing out the leaves and all of that shit.

This is an amazing time of year out here in LA is it rains a lot. And all of LA gets is green is like, you know, Portland, Oregon or Seattle. It's amazing. And it lasts for about two and a half weeks. And that's when they take all the pictures for tourists to come to LA, you know, because it gets all green. The rain knocks all the dust, all the dirt, all the smog out of the air. It's crystal clear.

And then they take that picture of downtown LA with Mount, the snow capped Mount Baldy in the background. And I used to look at that all the time going, where the fuck is that mountain? I've never seen a snow cap mountain out here in LA ever. It's this time of year. That's when they do it. There's like a fucking, it's like a lunar eclipse.

You know what happens like once a year, doesn't it? Because now it happens for all you space people out there, all you people into outer space. What's wrong with down here, man? What are you running from? All you nerds looking through your telescope, huh? Maybe they'd like me out there. Yeah.

So I am committed to having a salad a day in 2021. I'm just going to be crushing that and I'm telling you, all you got to do is you just got to have your toppings all set up. Make your chicken, cube it, stick it in your Tupperware. All right, cube your beach, you fucking cube everything. Cucumbers, tomatoes, the whole fucking thing. You get those little cherry tomatoes, little fucking round ones and you just have it ready to go.

You wash it, chop up your lettuce, rinse it off, wash it, put it in the fucking thing, right? Dry it off and it's just ready to go. So when your brain's going, hey man, like why don't we have something like fucking yummy, man? We've been good, right? You can quickly put together a salad and eat that and beat down that fucking thing

that wants you to go eat a cookie or some shit. Or maybe I'm just talking about myself. Maybe you guys don't have a problem. Maybe you went out and you bought that new fucking full length mirror gym thing. Have you seen that dumb ass thing? That stupid ass fucking thing? How fucking dumb are people who are going to buy that thing?

It's a full length, like skinny flat screen TV with a personal trainer because you're too much of a fucking pussy to motivate yourself. I can't do it alone. I need somebody talking to me. All of these fucking jerks. Haven't you learned anything with your fucking flat screen TV? You go down to Best Buy and that fucking geek squad douche

talks you in to get, oh man, this thing's going to crush it at the Super Bowl. Your Super Bowl party. Everybody's going to love it. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It is so fucking clear. And three years later, three years later, you can't hook anything up to it

because it's completely 100% obsolete. All of those fucking things. All of those fucking full length fucking, whatever you call those goddamn things. Mirror, mirror on the wall gym things, right? Those things are all going to be in the ocean. Every fucking one of them within five years because then they're going to have the next one.

Oh my God, have you gotten the new mirror, mirror on the wall gym? This one's horizontal. Oh yeah. And I can hook my fucking, you know, my blender up to it, be making a smoothie as I'm doing my last reps. Who's your favorite virtual trainer?

The fuck, so you can't just go do some burpees? All you really need is a yoga mat, a prison workout, and then if you eat right, you don't need all of that shit. All right, but everybody wants the pizza. Everybody wants the cookies and the fucking shakes. And then you lie to yourself going like,

oh, I burned it off. Oh, did you? Do you know how long you got to be on a fucking elliptical to burn off an Oreo cookie shake? Okay, and don't fuck with me because I live this. I live this every week. Do you know what an elliptical really is? It's just something that wears out your joints

at the end of the day. You know, in the short run, you know, you're burning calories and blah, blah, blah, but in the long run, all it's doing is like the people who make that, I bet also have degrees in like knee and hip replacements or no people. They got a piece of that action

because the reality is, is if you just ate right and you went for a fucking walk and you did some pushups and some set ups, right? Some other bullshit, I wouldn't you be fine? Do you really need some fucking I don't know, space 1999 shit, whatever the fuck, Jesus Christ, that's like 20 years old now. Remember that show in the 70s?

Like, can you imagine 1999 cars flying? Can you imagine that? I like when people bitch about that. Where are all the flying cars? Oh yeah, well, people are too stupid to fucking, you can't give people flying cars. They crash the ones on the ground. You want them up in the air?

By the way, that jerk off out here in his jetpack has been, him or her has been going up again. Unfucking believable. That person should get fucking 20 years in jail for that. Considering like a flock of birds took down Sully's airplane, can you imagine what a human being in a jetpack would do? If you fucking went into the engine of a goddamn airplane? I guess you'd need two of them, right?

To knock out both engines. But whatever, you could take fucking do such significant damage to one of the wings. Could kill 600 people on the way out here. 600 fatties with the fucking mirror, mirror on the wall. What is the name of that fucking gym? Don't buy that fucking thing. That thing is going to be this shit for about three months.

And no one, most people, then you're not going to use it. You're going to start using it as an actual mirror to look into to see how fat you're getting. And then how do you throw it out? Where do you put it? It's not going to help you. None of that shit. They got all of that.

It's all like the big thing now. He's fucking, they got that Peloton bike. You start riding the Tour de France. I'm in a bike race, right in my living room. You know, they make bicycles. Just get on a bicycle and ride down the street. And you know what? I've had the same bicycle since 1982.

I still have it and it still fucking works. I can tell you something about those Peloton bikes. They're all going to be in the fucking ocean. All of them in the ocean within five years. It's not compatible anymore. Your bicycle isn't compatible. Your fucking legs are still shaped the way they're shaped, right? Yeah, I know.

But the screen won't load. It's just, you know, it's a different, you know, it's just a 4G screen. Now, you know, they're up to 7G and it's just like, you know, my virtual trainer's face is all pixelated. Go for a hike, you dumb cunt. All right. Or don't.

Don't get all of this shit. I know I'm going to get a bunch of shit. I mean, oh my God, there's a Dolphin fan that, oh my God, I pissed off a Dolphin fan. I can't believe it. I can't believe he took time out from fucking Dylan Coke in Miami to fucking send me an email. I feel very privileged.

All right, let's plow ahead here. No, but seriously, if you want to get the little gym on the wall, if you think that that's the one that's going to get you your abs, while you continue. See, I like to work out so I can eat anything I want. I love when people say that, myself included. I mean, who's getting who? If you, if you're working out and you eat anything you want,

you won't be as fat as if you weren't working out and you ate whatever you want. But the end of the day, the end of the fucking day, no matter how much you stand in front of that fucking mirror and do your dumb ass fucking workout, like you buy, you just go to 7-Eleven and get one of those little six packs of fucking Oreo cookies. You just fucking negated all the calories you burned.

That's the problem. The problem is, is you can eat cookies way faster than you can burn calories, right? And you're telling me there's a God out there that cares. That's what you're telling me? Sorry. Anyway, plowing ahead here. I watched, I watched, thank you to everybody

that suggested all those cool ass French movies. I've started to watch them. I watched Les Diaboliques. Les Diaboliques, miss you. I watched that great fucking movie. I enjoyed it. 1955, watch the original. There is a remake in Anglais.

Oh, in Anglais. 1996, I think, was Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone, who got fucked out of an Oscar, she had a 1-1 in Casino. I don't know who won that year. But the fact that she didn't win, it was ridiculous. I still think, you know, I don't know. Because she showed her little hoo-ha there

in the previous movie. I think she got punished. It's the only reason why I can see why she did win the fucking Oscar for that. Anyway, plowing ahead. So I watched that movie. I've been sticking with my French. And now I've gotten to the point where, like,

speaking rapidly, as long as there's speaking French words that I know, I can, like, understand. Not like word for word, but it's kind of exciting. I've been sticking with that duo lingo for 166 days. I know it's not the same as going over there and being completely immersed in it. But, you know, whatever, I'm trying. I'm trying.

Whatever. Let's talk football, everybody. The Jets versus the Browns. That's the game I watched. Because I wanted to see the Browns make the playoffs. I think it's fucking really cool that they're finally good, you know, and after all of these years, and Baker Mayfield has led them to 10 victories.

When was the last time any quarterback in Cleveland got 10 victories? I have no fucking idea, but I'm going to say it's, I don't think it's happened since the Ravens were in Cleveland. The originals, the original Cleveland Browns, right? So basically, the background of that game is if Cleveland wins, they make the playoffs. If the Jets lose, they position themselves to get, you know, one of the top two picks,

hopefully a franchise level quarterback in the first round. So what you want to happen, all right, is you want the Browns to win, the Jets to lose. So what happens? What do these two teams do that just cannot torture their fans enough? The Jets, the old and fucking 13 Jets are now on a two game winning streak. Dare I say, the hottest team in the AFC East right now?

I'll tell you right now, they are the two and 13 team that the Buffalo Bills do not want to play. These green cons go out and they fucking win. They win. I'll tell you right now, if Jim Erse was running that team, that would not have happened. He would have made sure they tanked the rest of the fucking season. He's getting cursed right now.

The curse to Andrew Luck. He deliberately tanked that whole fucking season. Peyton Manning, the great Peyton Manning. Hey, my neck feels good. Now Peyton, you know, for the first time ever, we're actually concerned about an NFL player's health. And they sat him, tanked the rest of the goddamn season to get Andrew Luck. Right?

Then he hung with you guys and he said after a while like, wait a minute, I went to Stanford. I'm knocking this beautiful brain of my around. Fuck this. I got my money. I'm out of here. That's what you get, Jeremiah. Say you cheating piece of dog shit.

You know what he's like? He's like that rapist that walks around with the male feminist button to keep the fucking shit off of him. I guess that's why he was always going after the Patriots. Way their footballs to find something. Yes, people. I will never get over that. Anyway, so the fucking jets beat the Browns.

Now, in defense of the Browns, like their whole receiving game, the Browns, like their whole receiving core was out. Because evidently they all they all got in a fucking hot tub together with that hot tub guy there from the Giants or something. I don't know what happened, but I get it. Receivers hang out with receivers. Lyman hang out with Lyman. So they didn't have any of their top receivers out there.

And now I don't know if they need help to get into the playoffs. I always get confused. You know, if these guys wait and they lose and these team ties, then, you know, they got an 82% chance out. Jesus, not another fucking math problem. Fucking math. Math is great if you're trying to like learn how to build a bridge or something like that. But as far as coaching football, you know,

watching the Green Bay Packers last night, you know, they're up six to nothing. I don't know if they missed the first extra point. I have no idea. But they score another touchdown against the Titans, right? And you know what happens is their offensive line wears you down. And then Henry gets going during the fucking third quarter and you're in trouble, right?

So you got to score a lot of fucking points. They go for a fucking two-point conversion and don't get it. In the first quarter, it's like, what's wrong with being up 13 to nothing? I don't understand. They were, well, you know, it's a good confidence builder that it's, you know, that you say that you believe in your offense that they're going to get the two points. Well, aren't you also saying like, well, if you only get one point,

then we're only up by 13. That makes me nervous because this other team's going to come back because there's too much time left in the game. There's also a negative way of looking at it. But then again, you know, I went to summer school almost every year in high school for math, so maybe I'm not as smart as them. I'm telling you, this is some man-bun shit.

Analytics are some man-bun shit. You got some people that never played fucking football, never played sports. Probably didn't even get picked in gym class. Hung by their underwear from their fucking locker, back before cell phones and social media. Okay. Treated how smart people were treated back when I grew up.

Okay. And that was a difficult thing about me is I got treated like a smart kid, but it wasn't because I was smart. It was because I had orange hair. All right. So that was, that was a very, very confusing time for me. You know, hanging from my underwear, screaming,

but I'm not smart. Is the big kids walked away? Um, sorry. That's a different story for a different podcast. Um, plowing ahead here. Yeah. So the Jets went. So now the Browns, I think they have to win the rest of the way out.

I just love that the fucking New York giants are like five and 10 or something like that. And they still have a shot. Like they could, they could be six and 10 and win their division and make it into the playoffs playoffs. The record for worst record, I believe is seven and nine. The Seattle Seahawks got in one year doing that. Something like that.

Or is it nine and seven? I don't fucking remember. How about Drew Brees? What do they say? He's got 52 broken ribs, something like that. He's got 12 broken ribs and he's in his 40s and he's still through for 311 yards. How fucking insane in that?

And by the way, did I call that Alvin Camarra guy or what? I told you guys about him early on that if I played fantasy football, I would have him on my team. What did he do? Six rushing touchdowns. I'm smart. No, I guessed. I watched one game.

I watched one game. The Cowboys knocked the Eagles out. Here's something. If you're ever playing against the Eagles, if somebody on the Cowboys has the number 88, you probably want to cover them. They don't just hand that fucking number out. That's Drew Pearson's number.

Michael Irvin, Des Bryant. And that was CD-Lamb. So you got to think if they gave him 88, that they feel that that guy can do some significant damage. So you should never guess run. You should never guess run, right? And I know this because I never played organized football past the third grade.

All right. And I tell jokes. Anyway, my New England Patriots have the Buffalo Bills, the 11 and three Buffalo Bills against my six and eight New England Patriots. Now we need a win here because I want us to go eight and eight. I would love that to happen. We should see what we shall see what happens.

What is the line? The Buffalo Bills are favored by seven points. This is such a tough game to pick, you know, because I think historically, Bill Belichick does great against newer quarterbacks. But our offense is just fucking anemic. And Josh Allen is obviously the real deal. 350, what does he get?

4,000 fucking yards, 30 touchdowns. Oh, they only put the glam ones up. Where are the interceptions? By the way, by the way, that Packers game last night, how great did Aaron Rodgers look? I mean, that guy, he's got to be the league MVP. I don't know what his stats are.

Last I saw he had 40 touchdowns and four interceptions. I mean, what the fuck else could this guy be doing? Other than playing defense, starting both ways, tackling people. That's the only thing he hasn't done this year is on one of those four interceptions is tackle the guy that intercepted the ball, creating a fumble and the Packers get it back.

I think that's the only thing he hasn't accomplished this year. So I'm going to go like really hacky, really hacky here. I'm going to say as much as, you know, my team, of course, in the NFC West is the Tom Brady Buccaneers, the TB Buccaneers, not Tampa Bay, the Tom Brady Buccaneers. Of course I'm rooting for them,

but I just, I'm going to go hacky here. I got to go Packers. I think it's going to be the Packers versus the Kansas City Chiefs, only because I just haven't liked the way the Steelers have been playing lately. Big win yesterday coming back or whatever, but I don't know. You know, they kind of petered out there for a couple of weeks.

And I don't know. So I'm going to go hacky. No surprises. I think it's going to be the Chiefs versus the Packers and I think the Packers are going to beat them. That's what I say. And then the Packers are going to win Super Bowl number five. Last night, you know, it was great.

Al Michael said they were title town and they show, they go, the great Vince Lombardi, when they showed him in their Ring of Honor or whatever they call it out there, they said he won Super Bowl one and two. And I was screaming at the TV and he also won five fucking NFL titles. He won three in a row.

The last team to win three championships in a row. In the NFL was the Green Bay Packers. All right, 65, 66, 67. And they also won in 61 and 62. And they won, it wasn't a Super Bowl. He won an AFL, NFL championship game. It wasn't called the Super Bowl until Super Bowl three. And then the first two games were then retroactively called

the Super Bowl. All right, it's some nerd shit. Fuck it annoys me. But I gotta say it, how about Tom Brady putting up 47 points against the Lions? All right, I know what you're gonna say. Like, oh, you know, they was playing the Lions. Yeah, well, yeah, exactly.

It wasn't 27. He put up the 47 that he should have put up. Had 348 fucking yards, 22 for 27, four touchdowns. Amazing. So I think the Patriots take a loss tonight. I think we do. I'm gonna be rooting like California. But I'm actually excited for Bill's fans.

I like that they're good. And, you know, God knows that they've been through a ton of shit. A ton of fucking shit. So, you know, I still don't think they're good enough to win a fucking Super Bowl, but it is good to see, you know, this has just been kind of the most fun year I've had in a long time because my team, they don't suck.

We're just sort of middle of the pack. So now I don't have to pay attention to all of these other games because we're out of it being like, fuck. Ah, fuck. The Cardinals lost to the 49ers. Come on. I like the Cardinals.

How about the Dolphins? The Raiders. After winning against the Jets a game, they shouldn't have fucking won. They then lose to the Dolphins. Something about them playing the AFC East this week. This year, I should say. It's been fucking weird.

And all of a sudden the Bears have an offense. Bengals put up 37 points. It was a weird day yesterday. People win money? Did you win any money? I would have lost my fucking shirt. And then you would have to look at my pasty chest and no one wants to see that.

Sorry, people. Why are you babbling so long about football? I don't have any advertising reads. It's the end of the year. Everybody knows you tapped out. You spent all your fucking cash. And you're saving up money. You save it up money to bribe your way in

to the United States. To bribe your way in to take the vaccine. All right? Hey, I'm telling you guys, I'm going to get some sort of Hollywood inside thing. I got to have something. I don't want to throw my fucking half a celebrity dick on the table here, but I did do.

I love the 80s Strikes Back on VH1. And I feel like that, as much as they try to say that MTV show was the beginning of reality television, I think that those VH1 shows were the beginning of the comment shows. And I was a part of that history. So I think I can use that card to try to get myself in. I'd say two or three million semi-famous people

after George Clooney. I think I can get in there. And then all you guys have to do is just listen to my podcast. And if you find any sort of weird change, or I could just be fucking with you. I could start complimenting Joe Biden and Donald Trump. That's when you know that they put something extra in there. Wasn't the White House big enough

that they could like share the White House? Like, why can't there be a Republican and a Democrat in there? And then you just have a Libertarian just standing in between them going, you guys, come on. We're all Americans here. Couldn't that work? I don't know. All right.

Let's do some reads here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I fucking pissed this fucking dolphin fan off. Oh, by the way, do you guys have a nice Christmas? Huh? Did you have a nice Chinooka? Kwanzaa?

Whatever you celebrate? I had the perfect Christmas other than, you know, we couldn't have any family over. I as a dad, I got perfect dad gifts. I got socks. I got t-shirts. And I got a new pair of sneakers. Perfect.

Perfect. I didn't get anything else. That's all I got. And that's all I fucking need. As I've said before, like, it's about kids. So anyway, I gave the bike to my daughter. She loved it. Totally freaked out.

Had it hidden, you know. I told her after she opened all her gifts, I said, listen, Santa Claus sent me a text message. And she's immediately like, listen, like, yeah. I was like, yeah, he had one other thing for you. And it was kind of hard to wrap. So I had to hide it under a blanket somewhere in this room.

She started looking around and then she found it. She was like a green bicycle. No way. Freaking out. So I told her I had to take the pedals off. And I was explaining to her the ideology that I bought into. And as I'm telling her that, she puts her eyebrows down and she's looking down at the floor

and she's shaking her head. No. And I'm like, what's the matter, buddy? She's like, I want you to put the pedals back on. I'm like, I can't, buddy. It's going to be too much. Oh, well, just do the whatever the fucking whatever they call those bikes now.

A glider, a fucking walker, a push bike. That's a push bike, right? You just got to learn how to push it first. She's like, I don't want to do it and all of this shit. So we go out to the driveway. And one of her aunties had bought her a push bike that she never liked because she liked a tricycle because she liked to pedal.

So I finally got her on it. And she's like, she didn't want to do it. And she kept going, whoa, whoa. And just like not wanting to do it. And then telling me to put the pedals on a green bike, which I eventually did. And she tried it and it was too much. But I got her to go back and forth on that thing.

And me and my wife really complimented her. So I'm buying in and I'm actually kind of seeing already that I was probably wrong. Like most of the times when I'm flipping out that rather than branding this thing as an ideology or maybe it's just a smarter way to learn how to ride a bike. Maybe it is, I don't know. So but at this point I bought into it

whether I like it or not. So I got to go with it. So we're going to get out there if it's not raining too bad over the next couple of days. And I'm going to get her up and running. But I'm definitely going to get some, you know, knee pads, elbow pads, and that old school roller blade shit. You got the wrist guards, all of that stuff.

So she'll be okay just because I don't know. I don't know. Because I came up with training wheels. We already know this, Bill. We already know this. You talked about it on the last podcast. Fucking relax. Sorry.

I've already teased enough times about this fucking dolphin fan. I kind of forget how long the Patriots were good kicking the shit out of people in the AFC East. But it's all in this guy's email. So I was teasing dolphins fans saying that the reason why they haven't won a Super Bowl in so long is because they live in the past.

And that 72 Dolphins team is rooting against all these kids, like at this point, 50 years younger than them, to lose every year so that they can hold on to their record. So anyway, so I've been teasing about that. So this is what this guy writes. He writes, suck a dick. You knew England. And he tried to write douche, but he spelt it D-O-U-C-H.

Safe to say this guy is not part of the analytics crew for the Miami Dolphins. He wrote, we, capital W-E, we knocked your cheating asses out of the playoffs, feels great, swallow my cum, you bitch. And then he writes, all football fans in the world. That's how successful the New England Patriots are. Thank you very much, sir, for that wonderful tip of the cap to the New England Patriots.

As much as I know, you're sitting there thinking that that somehow hurt my feelings. All I'm seeing is how much we've been kicking your ass for two straight decades through three presidents. All right. We have been kicking your fucking Miami Dolphins asses. Actually, you guys have been doing, actually, you guys actually did pretty good with us.

We seem to be splitting it, but whatever, you would never win a fucking division. So I get it. You're a miserable football fan. I've been there up until Drew Bledsoe and Bill Parcells. You know, we were always sort of the laughing stock, although Chuck Fairbanks very underrated the team that he put together in the 70s.

Roughing the passer call fucked us out of that victory against the Raiders, you know, which is why Deflategate was a nice payback. Not Deflategate. What was it? I lost on the whole gate things. It wasn't Deflategate. It wasn't Spygate, Tuckgate.

Is that what they called that one? They were all gates. Whenever the Patriots won, it was all gates. You cheated. You did this. Well, considering this narrative keeps going, narrative keeps going. I hate to do this to all the Miami Dolphin fans,

but I got to get this guy. Tampergate, 1970, Don Shula. The Dolphins committed three counts of tampering in order to hire what he was known as as double dealing Don Shula as their coach in 1970. Double dealing Don was still the coach of the Baltimore Colts at the end of the 1969 season when then Miami owner Joe Robbie approached him

and signed Shula to a contract. You can't do that. That's cheating. Victim was the Indianapolis Colts. They were the Baltimore Colts then. Were they punished? Yes, they were. The punishment is as a punishment

for this cheating incident, the Baltimore Colts were awarded the Dolphins 1971 first round draft picked as well as the 1972 perfect season was permanently tainted with and unofficially appended with an asterisk. This is what they did back in the day to indicate that the team cheated. Over time, people forgot about it

and all they talk about, you know, which is the same thing that will happen for the Patriots, all of this silliness. All right, whatever. I mean, because I got to be honest with you. All right, as much as I want to stick it to this fucking guy, this immature cunt, I'm going to be the biggest person here,

bigger person here and say that, all right, Don Shula was already out. Okay, and he wanted to make sure that he landed on his fucking feet. All right, and Don Shula at that point was considered a loser. And the fact that he lost Super Bowl III was fucking brutal, fucking brutal.

That was like an XFL team defeating an NFL team back then. Okay, and they lost. All right, I mean, obviously, if they put John Unitedson earlier, they probably would have won the game. Considering how great, oh, he just walked out there and just took over the fucking game,

but they went with Earl Morrow. So anyway, I think he was going to leave anyways, so whatever, they're guilty of a little contrary. But that was to get a fucking coach, all right? So, I mean, if you want to say that that's not as bad as the Colts weighing the Patriots' footballs and then finding that some of the Colts' footballs were also lighter, for some reason,

people never bring that up. But here's an interesting fact about those that undefeated 1972 Dolphins team. Okay, here's a fun fact. All right, in 1972, the Dolphins drew what most experts considered one of the softest NFL schedules ever. Their opponents had a winning percentage of just 357,

and they faced only two teams who ended the season over 500 while feasting on nine teams who ended under fine 500. So, there you go. There you go, buddy, right back at you with the cheat and shit, but I got to tip my cap to the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Nobody has gone undefeated since them, and you know what else has never happened?

You know what else has never happened since 1972? A Miami Dolphins team hasn't won a championship either. So, there you go. By the way, we won six. Maybe you should cheat again and get yourself another fucking coach. Oh, God, all the fans in the world. That's hilarious.

All right, fat shaming. Billy Blaster. Congratulations on the Mandalorian. Oh, thank you. Everyone I know is like, did you see Bill's performance in Mando? Holy shit, dude can act. Well, I appreciate that because I usually just get shit.

I usually just get shit, to be honest with you. Anyways, he put capital S. There was a female singer who posted a picture of another female singer on her Instagram stories who has gained some weight during COVID. The singer who gained weight had a broken arm. The one who asked the question in her next post, do you think gravy poured out of her arm when it broke?

Just wondering if you think you could get away with a joke like that. And yes, I already know the answer to that question. Women supporting women. Love you, love the podcast and Happy New Year. I probably couldn't get away with it saying that about her. I could probably do it on my podcast

because I just say a bunch of ridiculous shit here. But I would say I'm surprised she didn't get shit for that. Maybe because it's fucking funny. And plus also, I'd be psyched if I put on weight and I broke my arm and somebody said that about me. Because that shit, that just motivates me. You know, it's weird. Negativity motivates me and positively makes me uncomfortable.

Like when I was coming up as a comedian, if I walked into a hell room and the host was like, oh my God, this crowd's the fucking worst, blah, blah, blah. I always had good sets because I just was just like, it was a combination of fuck these people and also like, well, I mean, everybody else bombed, so there's no pressure. But if I would go into, oh my God, this crowd's great,

you're gonna fucking kill it, I'd be like, all my doubt would be like, no, I'm not. I'm not good enough. It would all go like that. That's a funny fucking line though. You think gravy poured out of them. I'll tell you the way I ate over the last couple of days, I'm surprised gravy isn't pouring out of me.

Thank God I've been eating my salad a day, helps keep the blubber away. Okay, well, thank you very much, by the way, for that saying that stuff about my acting. It's nice to get accolades for that shit, I've been trying to get better at it for a long fucking time here. All right, Cunt Neighbor Canada.

Oh, everybody's got one. I have a fucking cunt living right next door to me. All right, I'd like to fucking murder him. I can't tell you what rhymes with that. And something that is only three, I don't want to say that right. Hey, Billy Neatfreak, I am in Canada, go Habs. Oh, I have Canadian fans.

Hey, dude, how about fucking the NHL coming back as a January 13th or January 16th? And one of the first games they have is the flyers versus the penguins. I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait. They got a triple header that day. I'll be watching every game.

I have a disrespectful Cunt Neighbor. Of course you do. You're up there where all Canadian fans are. As far as I know, they are renting the house and I believe there are two separate units in this house, upstairs and downstairs. I have only said hi to these people and don't care to go much further than that

in this neighborly relationship. That's always smart. We have weekly garbage and recycling pickup where I live, which is likely similar to most, but this also means I have weekly trash pickup in my yard. These fucks next door choose to leave their garbage and recycle bins on their front steps, completely exposed to the wind,

which inevitably only blows one way into my yard. Their trash rarely makes it into these bins, though as they believe their front yard, backyard, and driveway are the best place for their drive-thru, greasy discards. You lost me there. Oh, they're just throwing shit into their yard. I continually pick up what lands in my yard and beyond. Clearly, I miss a fair amount that blows right through

and eventually down to someone else's problem and eventually the water. We all know the story there. My question, do I approach these fucks and ask them to clean up their rack? That may be an easy yes. So if it is a yes, what if it continues after I approach them, which is my presumption that it will?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what I would do. Like, when you get to that level of fucking stupid, and the fact that they're comfortable just living in their filth, I'll finish reading this. I think I already have how I would handle this. If all else fails, or if I choose to go this route in the first place, send along some legal ideas to discreetly mess with them. Without much thought, I've come up with the obvious

cranking music late at night, which will obviously mess with other neighbors, or taking all the garbage that ends up my lawn and throwing it in their backyard, but that will go nowhere and just repeat it. With no winners, both ideas are very discreet, not very discreet either. My patience only goes so far before it boils over,

and I'm trying to work on that myself, but this is one where I don't think, if I don't think this one through, I may end up over there with an urge to yell. You know what it is. Thanks. This is what I would do. This is what I would do.

Okay, those people are not raised, right? They're fucking animals, and the best possible scenario for those people, because they're walking out. It's not like they're setting the trash cans out there without a lid on, and then they go in and they sleep, and then they get up late,

and they don't see that as blown around. You're saying that they walk past trash in their yard anyway, and they're fine with it. So best case scenario, those people at the very least are those asshole people that not when they rent something, they don't treat it with respect, and they actually treat it with disrespect

because it's not theirs. They beat on it like a rental car. So if I was you what I would do, I would just, I mean, I'm a fucking lunatic when it comes to like shit like that. So I would just pick it all up. I pick it all up,

and if they ever saw me doing it, you know, if I'm in their yard, and they're just walking by, whatever they say to me, that's how I would react. I would just laugh and be like, you know, I was going to ask you to do this, but you walk by it every day.

So I know it doesn't bother you, you know, and then maybe you call him an animal. I don't know, but then he just gets going like, I don't like, there's no, the thing about when you're dealing with that level of ignorance, there's no way to win. Those people win in life,

but their punishment is their life, and you have to somehow, that's what it is. You just have to take peace in that. Okay, and if it really gets out of fucking control, I can't rat people out. I would just say to him like, listen, do you guys mind just picking up the yard

a little bit? Cause it's kind of blowing into my yard and just see how they are. If they're conscious about it, then I would just be like, listen, I don't want to complain to your landlord. I don't want to be that guy. All right, but I also,

I'm not your fucking cleaning lady here. Can you pick up your stuff? See, and it's, where's that going to go? Where does it go? What are they going to somehow become like responsible, empathetic adults? I hate to say this, dude.

You're living next to animals. They're fucking animals. Okay, and you just have to, you know, I don't know. You got to have some sort of peace knowing that none of their dreams will come true. That's the best.

Like the trash in the yard is like, it represents who they are as people. All right, does that work? I feel for you, man. I can tell you that I feel for you because that would fucking drive me up the wall. But what I would do is I would, I would just go into the yard

and I would fucking make it spotless. I would just clean it up. I would just clean it up. And I would just say like, listen, I'm sorry I'm over here in your yard. And I get it. You guys don't mind living like animals, but I can't live like this.

I can't live like this. I don't know who raised you, but I'm sorry for whatever happened to you during your childhood that you live like this. I would just go like that, like positive sarcastic. And you know, I'd call you a landlord, but I don't want to rat people out.

So I'm just over here doing this, but I just want you to know that like, I have no respect for you whatsoever. Have a nice day. Maybe just go like that. Just a big smile on your face. Like I can't believe you're an adult. I mean, look at this, you know.

You got, you know, there's the A brain, there's the B brain, and then there's the brain that you got, right? I know you can't help this. And really take a look at this yard because this is the best your life's ever going to be. But then what are they going to do? Start throwing punches,

then you got to fight some fucking jerk off next door. I don't know. This is a lot of mental energy to live next to somebody like that. Oh God. I actually, you know, as much as I like this subject, but this actually, I kind of,

I've lived next to people like, this is bringing up some bad fucking memories. I used to just, I would just handle this shit. Like when I lived with fucking messy roommates, I would just come home, you know, after being on the road. And I remember my two of my roommates were in a fight. You know, this silent,

I took out the trash last time, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, this dumb, stupid fucking, it's about respect, shit. And I came in and they were both out and I just cleaned up the whole fucking apartment. And I didn't say a fucking word. And then one of them finally said like, Hey, did you clean up all in here?

I was like, yeah, man, I can't, I can't fucking live like that. And then, then they sort of behaved like adults, but whenever I would go on the road, I'd come back and they were back to acting like fucking kids again. But I never felt like, I remember a long time ago,

I went to a college football game and it was this weird sort of deal where it was my group of friends and this other group of friends. And one of our friends knew the other group and we was sort of like sharing the house and everybody was just fucking like animals. So it was empty beer cans

and just shit all over the fucking place. And I came in and I immediately, I just made the kitchen fucking spotless. And one of the other guys was just like, go out, you didn't have to fucking do that. So yeah, dude, I did. I'm an adult. I'm not fucking,

I'm not going to try to make a sandwich when this is like, you know, I had like, like a quarter of a beer left with cigarette butts in it. It's like, yeah, dude, I'm not living like an animal when I'm out here. All right, I was raised right. And that was it.

And then everybody just started throwing out their fucking empties. Maybe you can do that. Maybe you can try and lead by example. You just go out and clean up their fucking yard when they come walking out. Like, you know, what are you doing? It's like, dude, I can't live like this.

I can't live like this. This, this will affect you. This affects your whole day. You're living in squalor. Maybe you go that route. Like buddy, don't you want to win in life? This isn't how you win. You got to attack the fucking day.

You don't just fucking throw shit into the wind. Come on, man, you're better than this. Try to amp them up. Go over there with a coach's hat and a whistle. I don't know what to tell you, dude. Other than that, I feel for you. But you know, maybe they won't be there forever.

Or maybe you can buy some trash lids, trash can lids. Maybe you can do that. Maybe you just do that. And then when they go to put out the trash, all you have to do, you walk over, you just put the fucking lids on their fucking trash cans. I don't know. Just, you know what?

Why don't you just look at it like this? They're children. You live next to fucking children, and you just have to be the adult. One of the worst things about being adult is all the times you have to be a bigger person. And I think this is just one of those times it is, you know? I wish it was like the movies where you could go over there

like Steven Seagal and give them a fucking roundhouse. You know, if you knew how to do that shit or whatever, whatever fucking karate he knows, you know? But then you get sued. The next thing you know, you're renting, right? Well, I think this is the most effort I've ever put into a fucking answer. I'm trying to give you as many options as possible,

but like, I think I kind of, I like to go and over. I like to think out of all the bullshit I just said, I think I like the going over there. The going over there and just being positive. Come on, man, you can't live like this. Just go that way. You're better than this shit. I mean, don't you want to own a house someday?

Don't you want to meet a beautiful woman and have a respect you and want to have kids with you and start a family? Wake up every day looking at her like, I can't believe I'm married to that. Don't you want that? How the fuck are you going to get that living in a junkyard? Come on, man, precious time is passing.

All right, salads. Here we go. Oh, people sending me salad recipes. You guys, this is fucking great. All right, salad. Dear Billy the fish, I suggest buying Italian tuna. I don't eat tuna. I don't eat tuna because they're getting fished out of the sea

and I want the sharks to have something to eat other than meat when I fucking wade into the ocean with my little fucking pinkish white toes, packed in olive oil, not water, and throwing that on your salad. I'll do that every once in a while. I try to go easy on fish, man. I eat man-made salmon. That's what I eat.

Man-made salmon. I let the bears eat the fucking wild salmon. You don't know what they're going to do. Drain the oil out of the can as you would water and stir it around the salad. It's a great way to up your salad's proteins and heartiness if you don't have any chicken on hand. Number two, a Billy salad bar.

I'm a 24-year-old line cook on a salad station at a Michelin restaurant. Michelin, yes, like the tires. For some reason, they also rate restaurants. I forget how that worked. I think the Michelin book was initially, wasn't it like, oh, it had to do with if you got these tires, you could go on the road, and these are great places to eat.

I think that that's how it all started. Anyway, a Michelin restaurant in New York. In New York, I studied nutrition in college. I think I have a couple salad recipes that can suck the fat right out of your mantis. Here's a couple of rules slash guidelines to follow. Oh, my God, this is priceless. Salads are the shit as long as you know how to balance

acidity, salt, and fat. Add enough salt until it is seasoned. If you can taste the salt, you've added too much. Whoops, okay. The trick to it, I think the trick to it is to add just enough to enhance the flavor of whatever you're cooking without overpowering your palate. Yeah, that's too much salt is the worst.

Only use diamond crystal kosher salt brand that's in a red box. Pour the salt in a cereal size bowl and keep it on the counter. Always season your food with your hands, never from a shaker or a grinder or grinder top container. I wonder why that is. Add enough lemon to balance the fattiness of the olive oil. I just bought a bunch of lemons too. You can think of the acidity fat ratio as a drum kit.

Acidity is a high-pitched symbol and the fat is a deep base. You want them to be complimenting each other. So is it a 50-50? Oh, add enough so I got to taste it. Okay, okay, all right. Okay, and have them complimenting each other and not have one playing louder than the other. Always taste as you're mixing it to see what it needs more of

before you finish it so you can actually enjoy it. Another good rule is to buy vegetables that taste good. You don't have to make salads that are just leafy vegetables. You can make a shaved fennel apple salad with walnuts and it wins every time. Here's some of my favorite no-recipe recipes that I make often. You want me to read these to you guys? Or should I post them?

I think posting it would be better. He has a, I can't even read it, Radishio? Radishio, Raditui, R-A-D-I-C-C-H-I-O, Granny Sliced Salad. Radishio cut into one piece. Okay, charred Brussels sprout salad. I like the sound of charred. Sweet potato mashed salad. Six sweet potatoes roasted whole in the oven until tender.

Half a cup of chopped sauerkraut. I'm a German, I love sauerkraut. Three quarter cup chopped hazelnuts. Sherry vinegar to taste, usually two tablespoons. Half a cup of chopped dates. Put a little sweetness in there. One package of thinly sliced chives. Salt, fresh black pepper, that sounds amazing.

Olive oil, roast six whole sweet potatoes until tender. Let cool, take the skins off and scoop the flesh into a nice big bowl. Add the chopped sauerkraut, nuts, dates, vinegar, chives, salt, pepper, and olive oil and toss. Season to taste. This recipe, these recipes were inspired by two of my favorite all-time cookbooks. Superiority Burger Cookbook and Zahav Z-A-H-A-V Cookbook. Both have tons of great salads that are super easy to make at home as well as tons of vegetable sides that are actually good. Let me know what you think, they're fatty.

Hey man, I can't thank you enough for that. That guy's literally going to prolong my life if I stick to these and also improve the quality of it. So thank you very much. By the way, to all the other Dolphin fans who aren't cunts out there, congratulations on your amazing victory this week. And I hope you do win a Super Bowl. I don't give a fuck. All right, Obscure Albums, Dear Billy Redkunt. Come on, man.

I'm a big 17-year-old from Mazzalton, Mazzal-T-M-A-Z-A-T-L-A-N, Mazzatlan, Mexico. And now I'm living in the Inland Empire. All I do is listen to music from what I've heard from your podcast. And from what I've heard from your podcast, we almost have the same taste in music and appreciation for music. All right, Obscure Albums. These are so obscure, I can't even fucking, I don't even, can't even read the names of these. All right, he says 9876, so he has nine albums here. I don't even know how to read this.

It's E-G-E, then a new word, B-A-M-Y-A-S-I, by Cannes, C-A-N. Cannes was a psychedelic rock band from the early 70s with a mix of funk and jazz. They were always ahead of their time. This album has some of the best drumming I've heard. The drummer is Jackie LeBazeet. This is just a badass band. All right, there's another one called 347 EST, like Eastern Standard Time, by Klattu. 1976, Klattu made this album and people thought the Beatles got back together with a different name.

It ended up just being three guys that wanted to keep their identities a secret. They got a lot of backlash because of the Beatles' hoax and never recovered from it. Besides all this shit, this album is really good and could totally see why all these dumbasses, dumbass people confused them for the Beatles. Number seven, Dangerous Charms by the Delmonas. The Delmonas was an all-female British garage rock band. Although they're playing is not too impressive. I love their 60s surfy rock sound with their deep bass sound.

That sounds like a cool band. All right, Sister On Tour by Sister Rosetta Stone. I think you might know who she is. I don't, but if you don't, Sister Rosetta Stone is known as the godmother of rock. Her guitar playing from the late 40s to the 60s was way ahead of its time. Oh, this came out in 1961. She's been overlooked by so many people and overshadowed by Chuck Berry, Elvis, and Little Richard, even though all three of them have said she was one of their biggest influences growing up.

This album shows more of a rebellious side, unlike her slower commerce, soul, and gospel albums, which are still beautiful to listen to. It shows how badass of a guitar player she really was, and her powerful voice just makes it 10 times better. Oh man, I gotta check that out. Oh, speaking of that, don't you hate when somebody dies that you should have been into and you should have seen them live? Leslie West from the band Mountain.

And I knew Mississippi Queen and their hits and stuff, but I never realized. Everybody always said, oh man, that guy's so fucking great in guitar. He died. Questlove, I follow him on Instagram. He mentioned how he died and this breakbeat that him and a bunch of his friends used to sample from the live audio when Mountain played Woodstock, which I didn't even know they played it.

They got cut out of the film, but they released the album from that set, the live album. And his playing is just fucking unbelievable. His tone is incredible, just an absolute beast. So I appreciate all of these bands here that you're telling me about. All right, I'm not going to read all of these. I'll just, you guys can check out these albums. Number five, Nader by Les LES Variations.

1969, El Ritual by El Ritual. A psychedelic Mexican rock band. I do not love that. 1971, Long Live the New Flesh by Flesh for Lulu. 1987, in his opinion, the most overlooked band of the 80s. I don't know how much about their past albums, but this album is everything you want in a gothic new wave album. This guy's like, taste is all over the place too.

Are you in or out by the Growlers? 2009, they're not too obscure, but overlooked by so many people. The Growlers are kind of a weird band to bring up now because they were flooded with sexual harassment claims. But my opinion, if you base what you watch and listen to in these things, you have to stop watching so many movies because who knows how many fucking weird, I don't know, whatever. Maybe they make good music.

All right, number one, Neandra Lades. And usually just a T-shirt by John Fruscianti. Oh, the chili peppers guy. Not too many people listen to John Fruscianti's solo music and people get turned off with this album, especially John wrote this album in his home and he was fucked up on heroin the whole time. I can see why people get turned off by the album

with songs like Your Pussy's Glued to a Building on Fire, his name of a song, and horrible vocals. But I find it interesting to listen to what was on his mind when he was so gone on heroin. I can see why most people wouldn't like it though. Well, you would definitely open-minded. All right, all right, what are we doing here? We're over an hour and I still got a couple more questions here.

All right, my kids are going to be up soon. So thank you for that. Salads, obscure albums? I mean, what the fuck else do you want here? All right, best drama. Hey there, Bill. Names Chris, a Greek from Athens living in Toronto because of what banker cunts in the EU did to my country back in 08-2010.

I hear you often speak about your favorite drummers, but I heard you speak of Nick Mason from Pink Floyd, was wondering what your thoughts are here. If you haven't heard anything, I suggest you listen to Pink Floyd's Seasons in Pompeii, Italy. Try to listen to this, really enjoy the podcast. Cheers. Yeah, I love Pink Floyd, Dark Side of the Moon,

but I never went too deep with them. But I am definitely a big fan, a Nick Mason or whatever. I just, I don't know. I was never quite all the way into psychedelic type of shit, but I do think that when Roger Waters and the whole band was together, they made some of the greatest albums of all time without a doubt. But I also got burned out on Pink Floyd because I worked in a warehouse with these guys who played in a band

and were into drugs and shit, and they played them all the fucking time in the dead and all of that stuff. And it was just like, it was just too druggy. It all just kind of blurted into one fucking jam band for me. All right, dumb question for employee. Having said that though, Gilmore is one of my favorite guitar players of all time. Dumb question for employees.

All right, this is a segment that we have here where people write in who have to interact with the public. This is some of the dumb questions they ask. And as always, I always tell this story, I went to the Joshua Tree, I went to Joshua Tree and asked a park ranger, where is the Joshua Tree? So I am on the wrong side of this argument. So we're just having fun with this here.

All right, dear Billy, burning beefy bald dome burr. My roommate is a vet tech at an animal hospital and has had to close and has had to deal with a whole different side of the public. Their pets, it's okay. My roommate is a vet tech at an animal hospital and has had to deal with a whole different side of the public, their pets. It's one thing to have to deal with people.

It's a whole nother thing to have to deal with people and their animals. She took the time to give me the top five dumbest questions she heard when it comes to their animal care. Oh my God. Can my dog get an abortion? Answer, so you want to get her spayed then? Oh no, you want to breed her with a better male. You shouldn't be allowed to own animals or have children.

Wow. All right, number two, can you refer me to a pet psychic? Answer, yes, because the doctor's diagnosis didn't coordinate with your moon cycle. Number three, can't the doctor just write me a prescription without my pet getting an exam? Answer, absolutely. The doctor would love to get arrested today. I would think that the person's actually trying to get the drugs for themselves.

Or maybe that's what that joke means. Number four, what's wrong with my pet? Parentheses after declining all diagnostic tests and tools. Answer, let me just look into my crystal ball and guess based on the fact your dog is not eating. Is this what you want? Is this why you want a pet psychic? At least these snappy answers would be so much funnier

if I was better at reading out loud. Number five, can my unspayed dog get pregnant if her unneuded brother mounts her? Answer, no, don't worry, incest only happens in humans. All right, thanks for taking the time to read this. Love the podcast. Tell Bert to go fuck himself. Bert, what did Bert do?

All right, that is the podcast, everybody. I've been watching my Boston Celtics. Got fucking destroyed by the Brooklyn Nets once again. The Brooklyn Nets who are looking like they are going to be a force in the East. I'm trying to remain positive with my Celtics. I know we have a good squad, but I feel like we're kind of spinning our wheels

where we kind of every two, three years, we get rid of a bunch of people and bring a bunch more people in. And we seem to then just sort of win the same amount of games and can kind of get through the first two rounds of the playoffs before getting bounced out. So I don't know. I don't know what kind of draft picks or whatever we have out there.

We shall see, but I've actually been enjoying watching the NBA as much as I fucking bitch about it. But then again, that's what I do on this podcast. I bitch about everything. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great couple of days. I'll check in on you and go fuck yourselves. And let's see, I think, what's the date?

The 28th, 29, 30, 31. Oh, New Year's Eve. I'll do a Thursday podcast and wish you a happy New Year's Eve there. All right, I'll see you.