Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-29-14

Episode Date: December 30, 2014

Bill rambles about a food crack house, cleaning out his garage and getting mugged in Moscow.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, December 29th, 2014. This is about as loud as I'm going to get, by the way. I might even bring it down here, you know what I'm saying? Oh, let me tell you, last week was a rough one, you know? I actually have a bunch of relatives over at my house and they're still all sleeping because they went out last night and I'm an old man. I'm an old man.

I was in bed by fucking 10.30, fucking Verzi called me, driving back from the clubs. I think I fell asleep twice during his conversation and it was funny. He was like, I would wake back up to him going like, dude, did I lose you? And I would wake up and I would immediately lie and just be like, no, no, no, I'm listening. I'm listening. And I woke up this morning mad at myself like, why did I feel the need to lie there? What am I practicing for when like I really need to lie? What's wrong with saying, yeah, I fell asleep.

Was I concerned about Paul Verzi's feelings? Like Paul, I find you so boring that I was wide awake at the beginning of that sentence and by the end of it, I was asleep. That wasn't the case. It was late at night. I was an old man. I had a big steak dinner. Oh my God.

Oh, Billy fat face is fucking back. All right. I have been eating like a fucking maniac. I've been cooking bacon, like a little twinkle toes there and I've just been shoving everything down my pie hole. Oh fat face Billy is back. Like remember when they did back to the future, the sequels, they shot part two and part three at the same time.

That's how my fat face is coming back. That's like I'm, I'm making part two and part three. What'd you make Bill? None of your fucking business, but I'll tell you anyways, and I'm actually, I'm actually going to make a, a turkey pot pie today. Um, like, you know, it's fucking, you know, it's cold out. I'm a pussy now at this point. It's like 58 degrees.

I'm like, Oh my God, it's a little chilly. I love some turkey pot pie. And I'm going to go out in the kitchen. I'm going to put on this. How far I've changed since you guys have listened to this podcast. I'm going to unapologetically walk out into my kitchen, put on a fucking apron. All right. And I'm going to, I'm going to try this.

I'm trying to make a flaky crust. We think about that. You know what? I love how uncomfortable it's making you right now. Not you, the other people, if you're not uncomfortable, I don't give a fuck, but the rest of you, the rest of you people are so fucking homophobic, you can't listen to another man say flaky crust. I'm going to say it again.

I'm going to go out in the kitchen. I'm going to put on an apron and I'm going to make a flaky crust. And I have, I'm actually sort of embarrassed at the level of excitement that I have to fucking try this, this thing out because I usually just use shortening. I never use butter. So we'll see how it works out. Other than that, the fucking, the inside is the fucking easiest, right? What do you got there?

You got the trinity of fucking shit, right? The fucking, what do you got? Your carrots, your celery, your fucking garlic, onions, right? You stick them in some butter, right? Make sure they're clear, fucking stir them a little bit, then you add some other bullshit, another bullshit, right? And then you throw it in the fucking, the crust. There you go.

And then you put it in there and you tell everybody, get out in the kitchen and fucking eat something. All right. And then as they say, oh my God, this is delicious. You feign humility. Well, you know, just something like, just whip it up, you know, oh, did you like it? Oh, that's great. That's great.

Let me leave the room so you guys can all talk about how awesome I am. All right. I'm being too loud here, being too loud, my own fucking house. But this is what I've actually done. Okay. If you're like me right now, and you are in the depth of a sugar salt downward spiral. Okay. And you're waking up in the morning, like that classic Stevie Ray Vaughn story, you ever

hear that story when he was so like addicted to alcohol and drugs, it was like four in the morning and he's standing in an alley somewhere in Europe and he's puking up blood. And when he's done, he looks at his buddy and he said, I need a drink. That's how I feel right now with this fucking, the shit that I've been eating. You know, and I've actually traced it back and went back to that pork chop I had. That's what threw me off the rails. I was doing well. And then I had a fucking pork chop with, and I gave it a little butter bath.

And that was it. That sounded so fucking gay. I know. I gave a butter bath to a pork chop and put it in a little, in those little fucking towels with the hoodie on it that you do for a baby. I did that to my little pork chop. I don't know why I'm doing this to you guys. It's like I hate myself, so I want to make you guys uncomfortable with all these horrible

fucking images. I'm sorry. All right. Jesus. That's got to be a record. I've been doing this weird thing where I've been eating like shit yet forcing myself to go work out. And you know, when you're eating like shit and you're trying to work out, your body's

just like, dude, I don't want to fucking do this. You know, if you're eating right, your body's like fucking dragging you down there. So I'm doing that awful middle-aged guy thing where I'm eating like shit. Dude, I did that one day, I think it was two nights ago. I'm sitting around. You know, it's the usual thing, right? The tree's looking, you know, looking sad because everyone stopped watering it, right? The Christmas tree really lives the life of a fucking boy band.

You know what I mean? It's discovered and it's a fucking star and then it's over and it all goes down in like a month. So now my tree's sitting there starting to wilt, right? There's a bunch of leftovers in the fridge. Everybody's just fucking passed out in a food coma in every different room. You mean everybody's just so fucking, it's literally like you're in a crack house, but it's food.

And everybody's just fucking passed out all over, you know, you know, half the people's names in your house. In any sense of a schedule, it's just, it's just, there's no everybody's sitting down to eat dinner. That was two long days ago. Now it's just, just eat whenever. And I fucking, for dinner one night, I had, I had two bottingtons, two Guinness and then an assortment of dumplings from leftover Chinese food, one chicken, one veggie, one pork.

We had three orders and I had two, one or two of each of those with those four fucking salt beers. And then with the Chinese food, I was so full of salt, I grabbed a slice of pecan pie, put whipped cream on the top of it and shoved that down my pie hole. And then for the rest of the night, for no reason that I could explain medically, my face was hot. I was like, I was walking around. Nothing embarrassing was happening, but I felt like I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed about what the fuck I was eating. And then, then the fucking kicker is I then went out and did stand up and I'm on stage with a hot face feeling, doing my stand up and basically a walking sugar coma. And so yesterday I decided I'm like, you know, I got to get out in front of this fucking thing. All right. Or I'm going to have to roll myself down the walk to get the mail soon. So I forced myself to go to this fucking place that serves salads and that type of shit.

And I swear to God, man, that just fucking, it breaks you like cold turkey. You get that stuff in you and you're just like, oh yeah, that's right. That's right. So this morning I woke up, did a quick walk around the block, banged out 100 push ups and 60 dips and I'm back in the fucking game. Am I not not really I had a slice of pie in a whiskey before I went to bed last night. What the fuck am I doing? Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast and I find it hilarious how many people get

annoyed when I sit here and talk about food and diet and that type of thing. But I think it's actually funny. And it's also I know a lot of you guys are going through the same shit and the thing that I've learned is you have to mentally push through the shit. You know, you have to go downstairs and work out. You know, you got to stop. You got to listen to your fucking brain, not your body that's doing the John Travolta sweat hogs.

Give me drugs. Give me drugs. Anyways, but now the construction is finally done on my house. And last night, not last night, a couple days ago, I was able to clean out my garage for the first time in fucking forever. So listen to this shit. This is how I cleaned out the garage. I didn't sweep around shit.

I took everything out of the fucking garage. Everything. All right. And then I went in and I swept that thing up like I'm like, you know, as much as I could get up because it's just it's a garage. You know, and I had like fucking three giant piles of like sawdust because you know, you have construction on your home after like two, three days, the construction workers, they don't even see it as your home anymore.

It's just their place now. They've just staked their claim and they're leaving fucking, you know, coffee cups and their old ratty sweatshirts all over the fucking place. So they started using my garage to cut shit up and I'm just sitting there like, I don't give a fuck where you cut it up. Just get the goddamn job done, right? So I had like six months of sawdust and shit in there. Got all of that out.

Then I brought the garden hose in, sprayed down the whole fucking floor. I'd gone to Home Depot and bought one of those fucking squeegees that has a giant mop handle, right? And then after that brought in a bucket with soap and water and fucking mop the whole place up and then host it back down and squeegee it out again, right? Cleaned it out like a fucking marine. Could have eaten, you could have eaten off the fucking floors. All right.

Then I brought everything back. I had one pallet left from my fucking DVDs and I kept that thing in case any water gets in there and I got rid of a bunch of shit, put the rest of shit in containers, got it all neatly over in the corner and I got a whole place where I can work out. The whole fucking thing is great and I'm sitting there in the end, all excited, right? Like at the end of a fucking beer commercial and I'm looking around at my clean fucking garage and all of a sudden I see all the way over in the other corner, I see all this black shit on the wall.

I got a white wall and I see this fucking, it looks like a streak of grease in a really weird form. Like what the fuck is that, how did I miss that? So I walk over there to see what it is and I walk up to the wall and I find out it's like fucking 10,000 little ants that came up from the foundation when I sprayed the water. These are the ones that survived, you know, the great flood or some shit, you know, there's probably some reporter ant down there staying in the water with the fucking trench coat reporting live but the rest of them all fucking screwed and went up the wall and I just sat

there looking at him and go, what do I do now, huh? Do I get raided and just complete the fucking holocaust of this ant hill or should I fucking, you know, they just fucking ants, right? I'll just let him go. You know what? I just got a fucking text message. I could have fucking predicted this. I could have fucking predicted this.

I just, let me get this, this got to be sorry we beat your patriots. I swear to God, if this comes from Shred and Reagan, who lives out in Buffalo, Shred and Reagan, those two fucking pussies, they are the absolute worst and they're probably playing this audio right now, giggling like a couple of school girls. They are the absolute worst. You're going to brag about beating the Patriots. Tom Brady didn't even play in the second half, you assholes. We had to put in our fucking second string of who was it?

Jimmy Garafalo. We had Janine Garafalo's younger brother playing quarterback and you finally beat us, you fucking assholes. They're the worst. You know what's funny? I was actually going to compliment the Buffalo bills because they were kicking our ass when Tom Brady was in there. So there's a lot of ways, if I was a Buffalo bills fan, I could say that if I was you, I'd

be like, no, you guys knew you were going to lose. So then you did like that, that pussy video game thing where the person just quits and says, well, I wasn't even trying, you know, that fucking move. I had no idea that the bills had that kind of a defense. So man, they got like two guys, of course, I don't know the fucking names, two guys that have like, you know, double digit stacks and then another guy had like five or six, probably had like nine by the end of the game with the Patriots, but you know, if they could just get a goddamn quarterback out there, who's kidding who, if they, if they weren't

the Buffalo bills, you know, and I'm not saying that in a disrespectful way, I'm just being honest, okay, having been there as a fan, I lived through all the years of if we weren't the New England Patriots, we would have picked the right guy. And thank God Robert Kraft came along, who I would say is going to be that guy's going to be in the Hall of Fame as an owner without a doubt. Do you realize that guy, the guy has been there for 20 fucking years. He's gone to the Super Bowl six times. He's got three victories.

His three coaching hires are Bill Parcells, Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick. It's getting to the point if Pete Carroll, I mean, Pete Carroll, if Robert Kraft hires you as a head coach, that's like automatically a plus on your resume. So I believe the bills have new ownership and you know, hopefully that'll work out for it because I really don't, I don't wish it will on any fans unless they're just ridiculous cunts. Like New York Yankee fans were for all those years where they chanted 1918, 1918 and all that, which I get, Curse of the Bay, which I get.

But then when we beat them in 2004, they all ran and hid and none of them would answer there. We saw the Yankee fans. I know none of them would answer their fucking phones. And then they did that bullshit. Well, we got 26, you already have six actually made a t-shirt, 26 to six. I mean, that was some Kobe Bryant shit. Shaq does it too.

What is wrong with you? Just take the loss. You know, anyways, so I'm actually, you know, I was actually, I was happy for Bill's fans. They're certain fans, you know, they've suffered enough. Like what did San Diego Charger fans do to the football gods? I hated Charger fans after the one game I went to and it's basically because one douchebag behind me. And I realized I was wrong because I know some other people gone down there and they

said they had a good time. But generally speaking, I got to tell you, fans on the West Coast and California, they're fucking animals. Fucking animals. Take it way too seriously. You know what I mean? Look at the shit that's happened. People get stabbed.

They get shot. You beat up a fucking dad who's sitting there with his two kids and now he's brain dead. That's the fucking West Coast, man. Animals. But I still, I don't wish any, I don't wish ill will in Charger fans. I actually was a huge fan and then back when Dan Fouts, Charlie Joyner, Wes Chandler, Katelyn Winslow, Jesus Christ, wracking my brain. Chuck Munze, Louis Keltcher, right?

Dude, he's got size 16 quadruple each cleats. He's a poor man's job with twosack. Oh, by the way, I'm all over the fucking place today. New Year's Day. New Year's Day, the NFL network is running a series of, what is it, football life, you know, behind the jockstrap, whatever the fuck they call it. I don't know what the fuck it's called, but they're doing one on Lil Alzado and a bunch of other people.

Warren Moon's going to be a good one. That'll be a good one because that'll deal with like racism in the NFL and why he wasn't fucking drafted and he had to go to the CFL and basically break every record nine million times and then they finally let him into the NFL and he's going to play with the fucking Houston Oilers. One of my favorite things Warren Moon ever said was when the Houston Oilers defense was calling the Astrodome the house of pain and they kept saying that, saying the house of pain and he finally said to the defense because he was older than all those punk kids at that

point. He goes, look, stop fucking saying that, okay, because I'm the one that has to pay the price for your shit talking because basically the other defense would come in and be like, oh, we'll show you what the house of pain is and then they'd be taking extra fucking shots at Warren Moon and you know, the defense, they don't have to take any shots. They dish out the punishment, which is why I've told you for a zillion times, I've always hated when a cornerback lights up a fucking receiver and then stands over him like Ray Rice over his fiance.

It's like the fucking guy, the wide receiver is running full speed, jumps in the air and is looking back in the other direction trying to catch a flying object. Gee, did you lay him out? You know, I don't know. I mean, I like a big hit like anybody else, but that whole standing over him, like you guys squared off, touched gloves and then you fucking knocked him out. You know, I don't know like that, but if you want to see a great fucking flight, oh, flight, I should say.

Sorry, I'm all fucking full of sugar. So I'm extra ADD and whatever the fuck else I got going on here. Anybody watch the Bruins Columbus blue jacket game? I mean, we lost six to two. Oh, let me tell you, it was a rough one, you know. Fucking Lucic thought this guy Dalton Prout. I guess it was his third bout. I don't know how I missed the first two, but if you just want to see two fucking guys just

two warriors going at it, I mean, it is just a fucking great fight. And I'm not one of these guys in the end because Lucic got in the last punch and landed on top of them. I hate when hockey fans think that that means it's a victory when Lucic took a bunch of big shots too. It was just a fucking heavyweight bout. They fought during the right time of the game. They didn't hurt either team.

It was just a fucking old school, two heavyweights just beating the shit. I mean, it was, it was fucking amazing. I felt like less of a man watching it, you know, curling my knees up into my chest. Jesus. They're hitting each other so hard. It was fucking awesome. So I'm going to definitely post the link to the one from that I just watched last night. I tape all the Bruins games and sometimes there's something else on it.

And I, you know, can only tape so much shit because I have the old school. You can only take two things at once. So I was a little bit behind, but I'll have all three of those back to the future. One, two and three with Lucic and Proutman. It's, I'm not, I'm saying that guy's name right. I'd say Dalton because I don't disrespect the man. What a fucking, just a fucking great fight. Awesome.

Um, why wasn't I watching the Bruins versus the blue jackets because I started watching Boston college versus Penn State in the, uh, looking up your skirt bowl, whatever the fuck they were playing in something really weird, the pen and pencil set bowl. I mean, it's one of those fucking, you know, one of those fucking bulls. So we're in this goddamn thing. We got these fuckers beat. They can't move the ball 21 seven were up. It's fucking over their quarterback.

You know, he rolls back, you know, looking like a fucking, he's got that good-looking Gerber baby face going on, right? He throws the ball right at our defensive back. The guy goes to slap it down. He tips it up and the fucking Penn State guy catches it 21 14. Oh, this was the night I had the four beers, the fucking dumplings in the piece of pie. So I kind of blacked out. I want the fuck happened.

The sugar salt coma. Next thing I know it's 21 21 goes into overtime and my good friend Paul Verzi hates the extra point. He wants to get rid of the extra point or cause he thinks, he's like, dude, it's so fucking stupid. They make it 99.9% of the time and I'm sitting there going, yeah, but it's the times that they miss it that makes it worth it because it's so fucking dramatic. And that's what happened.

It fucking bit me in the ass this time as a fan. Then BC goes down over time, gets the ball, imposes their will, lets their presence be known or whatever fucking sports cliche you want to fucking hear about. They go down, score a touchdown and their kicker goes out and basically he fucking hooked this thing so bad. I can't believe he didn't hit himself in the face with the ball. Was he a lefty? Maybe I don't know what the fuck if he shanked it or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

He misses the thing. So we only get six points. All right. The fucking Penn State gets the ball and then they just drive right down the field. They score a touchdown and then kick the fucking extra point. And then their fucking kicker starts running down the field like he just kicked a 70 yarder, which made it even more painful to watch. Here's my question.

I just realized as I was telling that story, I thought it if you scored a touchdown and over time it was over, but if you kick the field goal, the other team got to have like equal amount of possessions. Wasn't that how it was? Or is it always you, you know, you get equal possessions or is it you at least get one possession each? I can't fucking remember because I was just trying to think there was because we missed the extra point that they got the ball probably get equal possessions.

I don't fucking know. So whatever. So I made fun of that Penn State guy running. I just, you know, just, I didn't make fun of the guy. He writes, writes to me on Twitter, a man wrote this to me. He wrote, um, dot, dot, dot. He's only like the best field goal kicker in college football. Dude, a grown man wrote, um, dot, dot, dot.

I can't stand these fucking guys on Twitter that tweet like fucking preteen girls. Jesus fucking Christ. And what's wrong with me that that fucking annoys me that much and I have to make that point to him. I, you know what? I'm the asshole. Fuck that guy. If you want to go, um, like maybe next time, wait, what?

If you want to do that guy and fuck, I'm, you know, I'm going to try to be less of a cut in 2015. All right. But it's only December 29th. So I got another two days of this shit. So fucking get used to it. All right. Let's do a little, uh, a little advertising here, uh, libraries, oh, Jesus, um, oh, look,

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You ever get a package and it's not for you. It's for somebody else, but they live on the same number. Like you live on 123 Smith Street and they live on 123 Allen Street and it's like fucking a, you know, it's like a mile away or something. And I'm thinking, I could, you know, what am I going to do here? I could fucking, you know, I could fucking just give this to the post office person, right? Be like, this doesn't belong to us.

You take it. But then what? It's December 29th. When do you think this person's going to get it? Once it goes back into the systems system, those fucking maniacs down there, this guy's going to get this thing or this lady is going to get this thing after New Year's Day. All right. I Google search the person's house.

I've done this like three fucking times. I've actually gotten in my car and just driven it over to the person's house. And then there's always that weird point as you're walking up there, walk, thinking like, am I going to get shot? And they're always psyched. You know, I, the first time I did it, I walked up and the lady came walking out of the house and I got freaked out. I was just like, Hey, they accidentally delivered this to my house.

She was like, Oh my God, we've been waiting for that, right? That's what she did. And she just froze. Just like that. I'm ready. And I kind of like moved my hand in front of her and she just was like catatonic. She was so fucking happy. Then I skipped back to my Prius and I drove away and that's the end of that story.

So anyways, I, uh, so I'm like, all right, I'm going on a fucking walk this morning. I'm going to try to walk off some of the whiskey and pie I ate right before I went to sleep. Fucking pig. And I'll bring it over to this person's house. I see it's like two fucking miles away. I'm like, all right, two miles over two miles back. There's a four, five mile walk if you know, whatever that's a good thing, burn off some calories.

So I fucking walk over to this place and, uh, it's a little ways up into the hills and shit and I get there and it turns out it's like a gated community. And now I got this stupid fucking box and I'm like, what am I going to do in the fucking house was like one house into the gated community. So I'm like, well, what do I do? I can't leave it at the gate. I don't want to fucking walk this thing all the way back. Do I throw it over the fence and try to get it to the driveway?

What if this is broken? Then I just looked and they had like, they had the defense went like across the street and then there was a brick wall with a ledge on it and the fence went up on that. And I was just like, you know what, I could be up and over this thing, drop off the package and back up and over before anybody even has a chance to call anybody. I don't want to lug this fucking thing back. So then by myself, I start laughing like a school girl. I'm looking for cameras.

I don't see any and I'm like, this is fucking so fucking climbed up over it in my heart's racing. I'm already rehearsing what I'm going to say to the cop like, oh, I live in 123 Allen Street. This was fucking like, you know, am I going to get arrested for this shit? I got this fucking like ridiculous, stupid Bruins sweatshirt on that's like black. It's not even gold. Like I think it's like a knockoff.

It's like yellow almost could spot me a million miles away and I'm on foot if anybody calls the cops. Dropped it off right back up and over the whole thing took like maybe fucking 20 seconds. And I walked away laughing and rehearsing what I was going to say to the cop and nothing happened. So there you go. And you know what? That's my good deed for the day.

My good deed for the day. So there you go. Don't ever let gay communities are fucking hilarious than the most they look there's nobody guarding it. That's what I realized. It's just a fence. And then you got these people who are too dumb to become a police officer, you know, you know, too lazy to walk around a mall.

They just want to sit in a truck. What are they doing? They're rubbing their balls. They're on Twitter. They're not paying attention. I literally could have taken that fence down, you know, and just dragged it over to Home Depot and sold it for metal scrap. And I think it would still take two hours before anybody even showed up.

I lost all respect for gated communities. Gated community. The fuck are you doing in there? Huh? You're sacrificing virgins. You know, how fucking crook I could see like, look, I shouldn't say this, but I think only women should live in gated communities. Like if you're like a pop star and you have like a fucking stalker and shit, you know,

you should be behind there. But I think if you're a man, you should fight your stalker right in your front yard, kick his ass, run in your front lawn, you know, I'm kidding. That's actually a dangerous subject to talk about. I'm fucking with you. Oh, Jesus, blame it on the pie, Bill. Oh, I want to thank all the cunts who sent me shit because another Singapore airline is now missing, you know, putting that in my fucking head like, aren't you afraid to go

over there now? Actually, no. Yes. The odds are pretty fucking good. The odds are pretty good that they just lost one and don't even hit me with that fucking rules of threes. That's my fucking buddy to Michigan fan text to me here. I think the news is milking it while Michigan and Harbaugh is being considered to the Niners

players. I'm leaning to. Okay. Jim Harbaugh. It's the only way to play drums that shit. All right, classic white fucking beat. You fucking clap on all four beats clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, we're fucking white and we bought some two buzz today.

You might be going to the university of Michigan, which would be great for the big 10, whatever in the middle. They got like 15 fucking teams. Now that would be great for the big 10. It is not good for the big 10 when Michigan's not good. You need Ohio State and Michigan to be good. You need them to beat the fuck out of each other and then, you know, everybody else falls in the line.

I'm sorry, Michigan State. I'm sorry, Wisconsin. All right, Wisconsin, you had your day. You went to three fucking Rose Bowl's in a row and you did a great impression of the early 90s Buffalo Bills. Okay. I wanted you guys to win. I was rooting for you when you played Tasey, you come on frogs and you know what you did?

You fucked me. You fucked me three years in a row. All right. So it's going to be a long while before I root for that fucking giant red W again. Even though you got a good now the badgers. That's a great fucking name. I don't hate Wisconsin. I was just fucking sick of watching them coming in there all fucking cheesy and pasty and

all that cheesy pasty fucking fans and they're just walking out with their heads hanging down low, you know, sitting there with a handful of fucking blue cheese in one hand and some fucking cheddar in the other, you know, dabbing their cheers with some tears with some craft slices. Oh, Jesus. Um, all right. So, you know what? Well, told me that they'd rather listen to me talk about music than sports.

So I figured I'd talk about sports for 35 fucking minutes. I also talked about food. I go fuck yourself. Start your own podcast. Um, I finally had some downtime and old, uh, Oh, Billy boy here is, uh, got back into playing drums. I want to do another one of those goddamn comedy jams coming up. So I'm working on a song.

Can't say which song it is, but it has double bass in it. And Oh, Billy is not a double bass player. So, um, I've actually been, uh, I've been woodshedding as they say, um, playing drums trying to get it down. And I got, I mean, I was one of those fucking assholes who I just totally got way into John Bonham when I was playing and my brothers both played guitar and they were into Metallica and that type of shit. And they were like, get a double pedal, get a double bass, get another bass drum.

Let's fucking do that. Okay. I kind of look back, wished I did, but, um, I didn't play it because, uh, I don't know, I had this competitive fucking thing and Bonham's bass drum foot was faster than mine. And I was like, I'm not getting a double bass pedal until I can play good times, bad times with a single bass drum pedal. And this is like back, you know, this is the eighties. So I have no help.

I have to just basically listen to the record or the tape and try to figure out what he's doing as opposed to all the kids today who can just fucking go on YouTube and there'll be some 20 year pro show you that slide step fucking thing. I had no idea, man. I was fucking my foot up trying to figure out how the hell he was doing it, right? So anyways, I started, I know I didn't play drums for like 10 years when I, uh, started doing comedy and I moved to New York cities, you know, drums that you can't like strum a fucking set of drums in your apartment in New York, trust me.

So, um, I didn't play until, uh, I got more established as a comedian and I was able to afford one of those electronic drum kits, the, uh, the Roland ones, which were fucking amazing then, forget about now, and I'm thinking about getting another one just for in the house. I won't drive me in nuts, but, uh, what was I going to say? So I remembered how I just got so obsessed with John Bonham that it really affected my playing because I just sounded like another guy who just listened to Bonham. And then all the players that were into were derivative of John Bonham.

So then I would have just go back to his playing again. I just couldn't get out of this fucking vortex of just listening to the same fucking guy. So I went out and I bought a double pedal like 10, 12 years ago, that DW 5000, you know, with the red plate on the bottom and, um, I got, you know, I was listening to Primus and I got, you know, listened to old Metallica and I tried to get into it and I gave it a shot and I went right back to the Bonham thing and, um, but made sure that I expanded what I listened to, uh, since then, but, uh, so I've dusted this fucking thing off. I mean, I still have it in the case.

I got all this, all the attachments, all of that shit. I've made sure like, like, hey, when people sell stuff, old musical equipment and they fucking, they don't have all the original shit to it, you know, like even my truck, I got this old truck and, you know, they, the radiators back then ran a little hot. So, uh, the aluminum runs run better. So put a new aluminum one in and I kept the old one and we switched out the front brakes. I went from drum to disc. I still kept the drum brakes, actually learned how to put those fucking things together.

I bought all the tools and that shit and I kept all of it, you know, had somebody put a new rear end in it and, uh, I fucking, I have all of that. I have all those parts. I kept all of that shit. I have the old master cylinder. So anyways, I've been, um, I've been playing a lot of double bass right now and this song is actually, if you're a double bass player, it's actually a simple song to play, but if you'd never played it, it's just so fucking weird.

So I've been literally just sitting there, uh, you know, 60 BPMs, 70, I can't play it that fast, but whatever. I'm trying to work my way up. So the songs at about 115 BPMs and I'm about up to like 95 and I got two weeks to go. So, uh, I went to, uh, Mike's lessons.com, um, he doesn't play double bass too much shit on there, but you know, he's got, it's just the best site. It's just as far as his practice, like that technique where it's, uh, see, this is why I don't talk fucking drums and that type of shit.

Cause I know right now everybody's just fucking, so I feel like I'm teaching like geography right now and I don't know where, um, but if you're a drummer out there, Mike's lessons.com, I cannot recommend it highly enough. Um, and you want to talk about a guy with a sick fucking bass drum foot, he's fucking unbelievable. Um, so anyways, and you know what, this actually gets me, somebody asked me about what I, what I thought about, um, what I thought about whatever that fucking movie was where the, uh, whiplash, here we go.

Let's do some questions here. Uh, dear Bill, hope you had a great holiday and I love the show. Thank you. My question is, have you seen the film whiplash? It's about a student at a music conservatory trying to become the next great jazz drummer. Uh, J.K. Simmons plays his music teacher slash mentor, but the movie flips around all the usual music movie tropes, Simmons acts more like a drill sergeant and screams and intimidates the students to push them further.

I don't want to say much more because, uh, the movie speaks for itself, but I know you'll love it, especially given your affinity for drums. The movie also raises a more general question. Are the all time greats in any field born or can they be made thoughts? Um, yeah, great fucking question. I thought, what's his face? J.K. Simmons was unbelievable in that movie, uh, but I love drums, so watching him scream and yell at somebody who also loved drums was like, I kind of had a hard time watching

it. It'd be like if I was watching a movie about standup and there was somebody screaming at some open micro. I'd be like, dude, you don't fucking do that. You encourage, you know, um, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, um, but I mean, I still think, I still thought it was, it was a really good movie, but I would actually say the best drums, uh, the best drums in any movie this year is not in whiplash.

The best drums in any movie by far that I, that I saw was in, uh, Birdman, Birdman has sick drums in it and, and then they're not even as difficult technically as the drumming that was in whiplash, but it's dynamics, dynamics will take your playing over the fucking top if you know how to utilize them, which I do not. But whoever the fuck played the drums on the, uh, Birdman soundtrack was fucking unbelievable. It was on, he's just one of those guys sits down at a four piece kit and just gets more music out of that than I could have a fucking Terry Bozio's and it's inspiring and frustrating and it's just like, ah, that's why I became a comedian because I can't fucking do that.

All right. So you asked me, um, are the all time greats in any field born or can they be made thoughts? I think both, um, I think everybody is born with a talent and then it's up to you to try to see how far it's all up to you, how far you want to take it. And I think that a lot of, a lot of the greats, a lot of the times are not necessarily the best, uh, weren't blessed with the most talent. It's just that they, they had that brutal combination of blessed with enough of the gift and they had drive to try to get themselves as great as they could get.

And a lot of times when people are born with a fucking ridiculous gift, it comes easy to them and they'll, they'll coast. And that's what made Jordan so great because Jordan was like born with like the greatest talent of all, but worked like he was born with my gift for playing basketball. And that's why he became the greatest who ever fucking played like a Jerry Rice or something like that. And, um, so I would say it's a combination of both. So you know, I don't know, whatever your fucking talent is, you should be always trying just

compete against yourself and then you won't become like this bitter asshole because you don't want to compete against somebody else because they were born with a different gift than you. You know what I mean? And then you'll, you'll try to like, uh, you know, that happens in my fucking business where like you'll, you get an acting gig and you'll do a scene and somebody's trying to out like act you. I was just talking about somebody, this talking to something about this like last night, they're

trying to like out act you being like, it's like, no, dude, we're in this together. You know, let's fucking do this thing together. So, um, yeah, does that make any sense? I feel like this went from a fucking funny podcast to a goddamn lecture for the last 10 minutes. Let's talk about talents, everybody. Are you born with it or is it, is it made from your hard work? Today we're going to talk to two people, both who chronically jerk off one person since

the day he was born in the crib, the other person who did not discover masturbating until he was 23. Mark and Chris, welcome to the program. Um, all right, let's get on to the next one here. Uh, oh, Rex Ryan, happy trails to you. Bunch of people got fired today. Uh, wait a minute. That's PTI.

Up to PTI show. Sorry, man. See, that's why I don't watch other comedians because it fucking just sticks in your head next to, you know, you say some shit that they were saying, all right, uh, Rex Ryan, he got fired. Uh, I don't know how I feel about that. I guess they just, they just been together long enough so they had to make the move. I mean, I think that guy is, I, he's a bit of a knucklehead.

You know, very crass. He's not a dumb guy, but he just, he's got that low self-esteem thing that he just walks around and just has to act like a dope. I don't know why he does that because I think he's a great coach and, um, I think he was a victim of a bad GM that John, what is it, is dick, it's dick, whatever the fuck you say his goddamn name. I mean, that guy just, he made some moves and they didn't fucking pan out, right? You got rid of fucking, uh, Revis, although he got a number one draft pick and that panned

out, but then like, I don't know, they had all these draft picks and they used all of them. I was, I mean, I'm just fucking regurgitate in what I read. I mean, it seemed to me when Rex had the players, he got them to the fucking AFC championship game. Then all of a sudden all the players were taken away. What the fuck are you going to do? Right?

Every fucking great coach, you got to have the players. So I think that that guy would be a great pickup and, uh, I'm actually hoping that he goes to the NFC. I don't, cause I'm just like, I'm sick of that. I just don't, I don't, I don't know. There's something about that guy. I don't know. I just remember when I watched that Jets fucking inside the locker room, whatever the fuck

it was. And he's like, yeah, I'll tell you, we can beat any fucking team in this league. It was just like, did that tell you talk to your team? Look, far be it from me to talk about the F bomb, but there's a time and a place for it. Right? You just going to casually use that word and then what, what are you going to do when you blow a gasket?

What the fuck was that? It's just, you've already done that. Been a fucking team in this league. Mike Smith, Mike Smith never looked like a head coach to me. He always looked like somebody who like infiltrated the mob. Those of you know what I mean? He sort of looks like he's in the mob and he also kind of looks like a cop. He just be the perfect guy for the cops to try to get into, you know, to infiltrate and

try to break it up. Hey, break it up. Okay. Um, who else? That guy, Mark Trestman, Jim Harbaugh, bunch of guys lost their fucking jobs today. So anyways, whatever, who gives a fuck? Oh, my Billy ESPN here. By the way, people, it is three days away from the granddaddy of them all in this year.

It's a fucking playoff game, FSU versus fucking Oregon. And this year, last year, if you guys, if you've been listening for the, for a while last year, uh, old freckles here passed out at the tailgate. That's how hard I went. So this year I'm actually, I'm going to try to enjoy it. I'm going to try to live in the moment, but I say that every fucking year, oh man, I can't fucking wait. We're doing ribs this year.

We got some burgers. We're actually bringing a, a power strip with a generator because the second that game's over, we're coming back out, we're firing back up the grill and we're going to sit there freezing our asses off watching the fucking Alabama game, uh, bleary eyed, um, I can't fucking wait and, um, I'm going to try to go easier. Yeah. Last year I got a little drunk and belligerent. I remember yelling at some fucking, uh, idiot, I was a fucking idiot last year.

So I really got to, I got to tone it down. Oh, I never finished talking about it. Somebody was talking about me going to Singapore and all that, like, can you do me a favor? Can you not fucking send me tweets about me dying in a plane crash? You cunts. You know, do I fucking do that to you? Do I fucking write to you and ask you if your fucking dreams died? I don't do that to you.

Um, and fuck all your douchebags who think you're now clever that you're going to do it anyways, like that's some amazing goddamn joke. You know, I don't fucking, who did I see doing something like that? Oh, did you guys see that Twitter fight where the dude actually those guys, they, they agreed to fight. They were arguing over Kobe Bryant and they agreed to fight. So one of the guys shows up to the fight and the other guy wasn't even in the state. And then he does like this interview about it.

Like what he did was amazing that he agreed to fight this guy and then he didn't show up. Like this was some massive fucking, you know, he's like this genius burglar that figured out how to break into the fucking Federal Reserve. It's like, dude, all you did was lie. You're a pussy. I, that's the one thing about fucking the internet that drives me up the wall is how trolls feel like they're fucking like these, uh, I don't know, like they're these geniuses and it's just like, dude, you're doing the lowest common denominator of, uh, I don't

know. I don't even know what the fuck to call the art. I don't know. It's like a shit joke, not that I'm against shit jokes, but I just sit in there. Why is this guy like you, this guy challenged you to a fight. You said you're going to go there and you didn't go and then you're talking about yourself like you're some sort of badass. Like, yeah, I pissed off a lot of people.

This is the first time I've ever got anybody show up to a fight. It's like, all right, well, he showed up and he was ready to fight. I think I'd rather hang out with that other guy than you, you fucking passive aggressive little pansy. All right, anyways, response to your advice last week about guy into girl with the laugh like his friend. All right. So those of you didn't listen last week, there was this dude who met this, uh, woman.

She's beautiful. She had a great rack, great rack, as he said, and, uh, they hit it off. She was awesome. Everything was great. She was great in the right in the bed. Everything was fucking awesome. Everything is coming up roses. And then the only thing was that she laughed exactly like his friend.

And that was weird in the mouth. So here we go. Okay. In response to my advice to that person, he said, last week you talked, you talked red in email. Can you guys please fucking, you know, I suck at reading. Can you just please proofread what you wrote? All right.

Last week you read an email about a guy who was worried about dating a girl with a laugh like her brother. You acknowledged that the advice you were giving was probably not the greatest when you said that it would be brutal to have to live with that. I'm writing to tell you that you are correct, correct in saying you're wrong. In my opinion, in my opinion, that is, no matter what girl you meet and date, she'll have characteristics of a male family member. He described, yeah, but dude, this is the thing.

It was his friend and he knew his friend for whatever years and years and years hanging out with them as they're sharing laughs. You know what I mean? I'm not saying like, you know, oh, you meet a girl and she has her dad's eyes or something. Yeah. They're a family. She's also going to look like her mom. This is all getting weird and Freudian here.

No matter what girl you meet and date, she'll have the characteristics of male family members. He described the girl to be hot, quirky and fun and she was into him. She didn't make it awkward when hooking up. She sounded awesome. If anything, he should bring it out in the open and tell her how weird it is. Oh, dude, I don't know about that one. Then when they laugh about it and she does the laugh, they're laughing about the laugh they're laughing about.

He'll laugh even more and then he takes his dick out. I don't see how that works. I'm really trying to see your point here, sir. Hey, I could be wrong. Anyways, then when they laugh about it, oh yeah, I already said that it'll go beyond the awkward situation, become its own inside joke. Plus if she likes him, that's a terrible way for her to be rejected just for laughing naturally. I know you weren't being a dick and have to make America laugh every week but I just don't

want this guy to blow it. All right, see you coming from a good place. Don't you think what you're going to say is going to make her self-conscious? Like I want you, write me back again and you tell me how you're going to tell her, hey, by the way, when you laugh, you laugh just like your brother and that weirds me out in the dick area. That's kind of what you're saying, even though you're not going to be that blunt about it. I don't know, somebody else, somebody else write in and tell me exactly how you pull

that off because everything else you said about the woman, I agree with. That's just a rough one. I just could picture myself just out in the kitchen cutting up some shit for a sandwich or something and then she laughs in the other room and then you just sort of fucking wince. You know? She's in there talking to her friends laughing it up and you just out in the kitchen talking to yourself. God, it sounds just like Scott, it's fucking unbelievable.

Block it up, block it up. Hey ladies, would you like some cheese nip? Cheese nip. Greetings from Mexico. I discovered you the other night while browsing Netflix all by myself and I just thought my two teen and husband boys 15 and 16 have got to watch this. So we did. I totally fell in love with you.

Smart comedy, great points of view and I really find you totally educational for teens. Did you watch my special or did you watch Ted Talk? Anyway, if you decide to either adopt or have your kids of your own, you're going to do great. I've already started to hug my kids less. Let's hope it's not too late. No homophobia here. LOL.

All right, look at that. I got a fan down in Mexico. Yeah, a lot of people telling me I should adopt. You should do it. You should go out there and fucking do it. We'll see. We'll see what I do. I often feel I'm too out of my mind, too fucking scattered brain and too fucking selfish to

do something like that to have kids. You know, there's fucking seven billion people on the planet, you know, running out of deer and fresh water. What the fuck are we doing? You know? I don't know. Anyways, from Russia, with go fuck yourself, I shit, I almost didn't get that from Russia with love.

No, from Russia with go fuck yourself. All right. Here we go. Hello, Bill. It will be a strange message. First of all, I want to thank you. It will be a strange message. I love Russians.

They just fucking, I must break you. It will be a message that is strange. First of all, I want to thank you for your incredible craft. Can I call comedy a craft and for your podcast? Dude, I want to compliment you on your incredible English. Are you a spy? This is unbelievable. Anyway, second, I am from Russia and I have to say that we love you here.

Get the fuck out of here. I'll do a show in Moscow. I'm going to show up with no money in my fucking passport locked on a fucking safe back in the hotel room. I'm not going to get rolled in Moscow. Moscow is a shady fucking place. That's the word. It's beautiful.

It's gorgeous, but you will get knocked the fuck out in Russia. Wake up in a vodka plant, your job's to put the cork in them for the rest of your fucking life. You don't give me any mittens. Anyways, even with the crazy things, maybe, wait a minute, wait a minute, the fuck out of me. Second, I am from Russia and we have to say we love you here. Really, it even freaks me out when I realize that I agree on 100% with what you're saying,

even with the crazy things. Maybe not with all of them, but it's amazing because even we have different cultures. As some might say, I can relate myself to all your topics, women, marriage, dogs, politics, idiots, et cetera. Yeah, you know why I do because you're a human being. All that other stuff is just, that's just all of the bullshit. Every country is full of shit, except maybe New Zealand or a country like that that doesn't really fuck with anybody.

They just stay down there and live their life, rather than that, everybody else, they're just spinning it. The leaders just say that everything that your country is doing is fucking heroic and you're in the right. But at the end of the day, both countries got a bunch of broads and they're driving the guys up the fucking wall there. And whatever, the guys are driving the women nuts. That's what I learned, travel in the world, all right?

There's a through line with human beings and it's basically watching your friend fall down a flight of stairs is the funniest fucking thing you're ever going to see. I don't give a fuck what country you're from. I don't give a fuck if you're in such a poor country that they don't even have stairs. If he just ran out of his hut, stopped quickly and it rained and he slipped and banged the back of his head and then he curls up in the fetal position with both hands clasping the back of his head. You're going to fucking laugh for the whole morning, okay?

Anyways, he says, I hope politicians would turn off the heat between our countries. It would be great for everyone except for big business. Don't believe in all this bullshit about hatred personally. I don't have anything against the United States. It's a great country. What the country? Quoting Yaakov Smirnoff, beautiful nature and kind heart of people, fast cars and blues music.

Lots of problems, of course, but we have them too. Everyone has. Eh, nice to see those fucking guys enlightened. Exactly. Hope you'll come to Russia someday. You know what's funny is this, if he actually fucking hates me and now he's just buttering me up and I go over there and he puts a fucking potato sack over my head and beats me with a mic stand.

I'd actually find the humor in that beat down. Good day to you and best wishes, PS, sorry, I've made some mistakes and text in the text. I'm still in the process of learning. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you, you asshole. I know what you're doing. You know what's, your English is great and you know that we can't speak any other languages over here.

That was passive aggressive. You know what, sir? I fucking loved you to that last sentence. You know what? Now I think you are going to jump me when I go over there. But really, you know what? Let me hear from more people in Russia. If I can get, what do I need?

What do I need to go over there? Just get me like 400 fucking people. If you can guarantee me 400 fucking people, 400 people will fucking show up to my show in Moscow. All right. And I won't get a pinky sliced off or any sort of fucking black market, market mafioso shit going on down there. I will come over there.

All right. And like I said, I am showing up there with the shirt on my back, nothing else. This is all based on a cab ride I took when I was in Helsinki Finland and I was asking him about Lithuania and Estonia and all these other things. And I was like, yeah, man, it's crazy fucking Russia's like right there, you know, talking about growing up with the, you know, all that Cold War shit. And he was saying, you know, he was saying Moscow is a beautiful place, but it's fucking shady.

He said after 5pm, he goes, it gets fucking shady. He goes, I'm not saying it's a bad place, but you really have to watch yourself after five o'clock. And it's just like, all right. So it's like Detroit. But there's something about getting your ass kicked in another country. It's way scarier because you have no fucking idea. I would think as you're fighting going like, what if I end up in a goddamn jail?

You know, and everybody's speaking a different fucking language. I mean, that just, that just spells ass rape to me. All right. Cubans in America. This is the last thing. And then I got to get rolling here. Cubans in America. What are your thoughts on normalizing relations with Cuba in the United States?

Um, well, I think honestly, I think, uh, we've been bullying them for fucking 50 years. They have a right to fucking run their country the way they want to. I'm not saying Castro is a great fucking guy, but, uh, I don't think what we did to him. Yeah, look, obviously they couldn't have those fucking missiles there. We had to get rid of that shit that I agreed with. But other than that, you know, if they want to be communists, then, you know, if you want to fucking do that, go ahead and do it. I mean, what the fuck?

You can go ahead. We have nuclear weapons. What are you going to do to us? Shoot one of us will shoot one of you and it's over. It's done. What are you fucking idiot? Go ahead. Be a Russian.

Not Russian. Sorry. Be a communist. I don't give a shit. I mean, you know, to be honest, we were trying to turn their fucking country into a place for us to go there and relax and go vacation and casinos and take all their natural resources, doing what the fuck we always do. And then we do with the whole, uh, they don't want their people to be free, you know?

And I'm not saying Cuba's fucking innocent, but come on. Anyways, he says cigars could be in the future, in the future could become legal in the U.S. As of right now, $100 worth of tobacco you can bring in in Cuban cigars, which is hilarious. It's like fucking three cigars, four cigars or whatever. He said, uh, what would you, what would this do to the size of your humidor? Um, I've actually, uh, shut down my humidor because I was smoking too many of them. Um, he said, I know you enjoy Cubans, but do you smoke cigars from, uh, other regions as well next time you're in Calgary, come in the summer and rent a motorcycle and ride

through the mountains. If you have time and find a nice place to pull over for a stogie, you won't regret it. Oh Jesus, that sounds great. Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself. Um, I've actually heard that, uh, once they make Cuban cigars legal in America, like I think initially the quality of them will go down because the demand will be through the fucking roof and, um, you know, it's a little ass country over here and we are a big country

that devours shit. So, um, I was actually talking to a cigar head the other day and he was saying, if you were going to buy a Cuban stock up on him now, because his fear and granted, this was just based, this was just fear talk from some guy in a fucking cigar bar, but he was saying that the quality might drop down. Um, I like the fact that we're going to take our foot off the back of their fucking neck. I still think we're going to do the wrong thing down there and try to get our cheesecake factories and all that type of shit and just sort of appropriate them for our own fucking

needs. Um, but, uh, I don't know, there's something fun about the fact that Cuban cigars are illegal and to actually have them and nowhere to get them and shit. It's not that fucking hard to get them, but it's still fun and, um, you know, I was at a party the other day and this guy showed up with a box of Cuban cigars and it was, you know, we were standing outside and we smoked in the second I took a fucking pull off of it. I was like, uh, this is not a coheba.

And then he'd given me, uh, a party guess, however the fuck you say it, everybody says a different part. I guess part of it. So whatever he gives me that series too, which is one of my favorites. And when I got home, I looked at it and it was fucking the band was the same color, but the font was completely off. It was a really bad, bad, bad fake and, uh, through that right in the fucking trash. So, um, that's also the fun of it.

The fun. Did I get a real one? Did I get a fake one? You know, there's a lot of cigar people that go, actually, you know, 90% Cuban cigars are actually fucking fake. Well, I don't give a fuck because they taste better than 90% of the other shit. Um, as far as other, um, other cigars, yeah, there's a couple others that I smoke, um, a couple of Nicaraguan ones that are all right, um, but I'm sick of people always going

dude, these are better than the Cubans and they're not. They never are. They, they just don't taste as good as them. And, um, it's kind of like, you know, when you look at cars and they're always trying to like compare the car to like, uh, like a whatever, a BMW or a, this is like a Porsche. This is like this. It's like, yeah, but it isn't, but at the end of the day, it isn't even though I heard BMW's quality has been going down through the fucking, I don't know, whatever, whatever.

Let me just shut the fuck up. I gotta get out of here. I got shit to do. Uh, happy new year to everybody. Uh, thanks to everybody who came out to my shows this year. Uh, thanks to everybody who's been not only watching my stand up special, but spreading the word about it. It's been, um, it's gotten the best response of any special I've ever done.

And, uh, getting back to that talent you were born with and then pushing yourself to get better. I've been trying to do that with every special, um, work on a new skill, just like in drumming, a new drum lick, a new comedy technique or whatever, um, to enhance my fucking bullshit ideas. So, uh, you know, I'm really, yeah, I couldn't be any happier. So thank you and thank you for everybody letting everybody know about it. And, um, that's it.

Happy new year to everybody. And, uh, thanks to everybody. Anybody comes out to my shows in 2015. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'm sticking with the Seattle Seahawks is my pick for the, um, for winning a Superbowl and, um, I'm rooting for Tony Romo.

I want to see him do well and I want to see him shut all those Dallas cowboy fans to fuck up. That's what I would like the Patriots. I don't know. I don't know, man. I think the AFC is once again, not as strong as the NFC. And, uh, last week, this week against the bills, we had two starting offensive linemen out and Gronk, I think they would just rest in Gronk.

Um, I don't know. We got to play the Broncos again. Might have to play the Colts again. We already played him and we won. Those are always tough. I don't know. I don't have any foregone conclusions about what the Patriots are going to do. Of course, I'm going to be rooting for him.

Uh, that is it. That is all go fuck yourselves. We'll talk to you next week. B.M.A. Premium Selection Certificate. Let's go through both. What's in quality? He will do. And that he's reliable is that we do.

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