Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-12

Episode Date: December 3, 2012

Bill interviews the Rose Bowl legend and stand up great, Joe Bartnick. They talk the 70's Steelers, 80's Drinking and Driving and hype Joe's new stand up album, "Salute."

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 3rd, 2012. And how are you? This is going to be as promised last week and promised all over Twitter that I would have a special guest this week, stand up and Rose Bowl legend, the one and only the guy whose name I would never mention on the podcast after our first experience at the Rose Bowl. And here he is. The Statue of Limitations have run out ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Bartnick. Oh man, thanks, Bill. Hold that coffin. Well, I know I shouldn't just cough into the this is this is fun. Finally, after all the Rose Bowls and dude, the Rose Bowls, I mean, you've given me probably the two greatest thrills of my adult life.

One, obviously setting me up in my first six seconds on the ice with a goal or setting up the experience and then then the only one we were playing pick up Hawking pick up Hawking you gliding around there like the great white shark. I got shot in front. I mean, to step on the ice, tap my stick. Rocky wood tool hits me in the slot. I go top shelf. I should have just quit then. Why I ended up you why I spent 500 bucks on the equipment and only played once at well, I played like 10 times with like no pads. Ian bag finally gave me a helmet. Then I bought all the stuff I played once after that, but it was getting scary. Joe Joe's like me. He's one of those guys who's watched hockey for a good 35 years, but never played. We just didn't come

from hockey family. So we both figured we'd take up the game in our 40s. And we both look like make a wish kids when we're out there. The look on your face when you scored, you scored the goal and you just put your arms up and you just left them up and you said you had this big grin on your face and I saw it in your eyes. You're like, this is what it feels like. This you would have thought you scored one at the NHL level as opposed to I felt like his NHL level because I'll tell you, I was scared when I first got there. If you guys know Ian bag, he's like six, five, he's big. He's on skates. I'm like, well, Canada and he can fuck it. Like I heard you skated with the Canucks and they did play junior hockey. Yeah. So I'm walking into the ring with just literally like my

street hockey stick and those than the rented skates. Yeah. Am I ready? And I walked in and I see him skating around. I didn't recognize him. I'm like, holy shit, what did I get into? Yeah. And then the step in to do that. And I scored another one real quick. So I'm like, I'm looking for that. I'm looking for the natural hat trick. Pure hat trick in 10 seconds. And after that, then bag because there's no hint league unless you can't stop. Like me. So the bag's like, you're not gonna get a hat trick. And then cuz I love bag and he loves me. He just started cross checking me in the crease. And then that was I never got anything I touched another pocket. But like I said back when that that pickup game is still fun. But that was that was hilarious. Like the

bad news bears, it was like everybody out there was a different level. So you could tell like how good somebody was by how much equipment they had and how new or how old it was. You went out there, you had that fucking Pittsburgh penguins with no shield mask. That's all I remember. And you kept playing doing you were getting scary because you're like fucking Cam Neely size. So that's what everybody was kind of saying was like, if that fucking guy ever learns how to skate, and doesn't learn how to stop like he can, someone's going to get fucking killed. Well, that's why I quit playing roller hockey. I played roller hockey in San Francisco for a season. And like 10, like eighth game in, I couldn't stop on roller skates either. And I just

absolutely buried some kid about your size, but not really athletic like you. You don't have to make it nice. Yeah, my side. No, no, no, no, like you're, you're like, you know, you've been climbing your rope and stuff. I mean, you're not like this was a little trying to be actor in shape. And I just, I buried him like when Kevin Stevens had to buy a new face after the Islanders, like that's how hard I buried him. And I'm like, you know what, I'm not here to hurt people purposely. I mean, it's it's time to give that you got a good heart. I do. I do have a good heart. I really get one of those guys, if you played in the NHL, you'd be that guy, you'd fucking knock the dude down, and the dude's landing the ice, you'd cock the arm back, and

then you'd be like, no, no, that's enough. He's not enough. And I would have a good dance though, after I won the fight. I do a nice Hogan. I'm sure it had one of those where I would have been in the stands once. Well, I hope everyone has a good like either junior A or in Europe. Some every good goon has been in the stands once. Like someone would say something about Malkin and like, you know, some, some mafia heroine, then in that, you know, magnet, a gorse, and I'd be up there swinging away, protecting his mom's honor or something like that. You know, did you have that you watched? The fuck was I just think Mike, I have like ADD you just brought up something. Oh, I know for fans, you know, because, you know, hockey's like the rogue sport for fans

who don't know what Joe's talking about. Well, I'm going to have a link up to that, that classic one where the Bruins went up into the stands at the Madison Square Garden and Mike Milbury, who now does like commentating wearing a suit, you actually watch him. He takes this guy's loafer off loafers were big in the 70 speaking of what you actually still have him because your old school, he took him off. He never hit the guy. He cocked it back. He was going to hit him with the heel of it. And it was, it's just something that can't be described. So you have to you got to see it. These, these loafers are my guilty pleasure. And everybody remarks on them now because I've passed into the age where now I wear loafers and don't give a fuck. Like I went

to Ross to buy some. I was my potentials at Ross because why not buy Air Jordans that were 140 for 29 bucks? Like, I don't need the news like giant guys like you go to those kinds of places like when I go to like, like Ross, what for people on the East Coast, what is it Ross? Dress for less shit for less, whatever the fuck they call it. You walk in there. They actually have shack size shoes in there for that six foot eight guy who couldn't dunk. Yeah. And like neon green and purple, they're all crazy. It's always like that shit you get when your house gets flooded. You get like those fucking giant sneakers that are like neon green apps of fucking Lutely. So dude, I gotta tell you, speaking of the fucking Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all, I got,

I went out and I got the tickets. You know, every year that's my job. I go out, I get the tickets, and then I rent the fucking four door fucking Dodge Ram pickup to drive over there doing. I'm actually, I've just completely checked out of Christmas shopping and all that other shit. All I'm doing is thinking about that. What do you think about fucking with Wisconsin's in it again? Uh, yeah, you know, we couldn't, we couldn't, it's going to be an ugly game. It's going to be ugly in the parking lot. No, I mean, there's some nice Wisconsin people. I wish, in Nebraska, I like them cornhusker girls. You've ever played in the brats in the brass face? Lawhead said like he was rooting for Nebraska yesterday because he said, so we can

look at different fat chicks this year. Yeah. Nebraska's are a little bit, they're like younger, a little healthier. Like they're, they're kind of like this, like the Playboy Centerfold kind of chicks that the cornhusker girls, you know, something a lot of time when they get them, they get them from that sort of the, uh, Oklahoma and Nebraska. Right. The bigger loss though was UCLA because Stanford has nice looking girls, but they're really smart. They're not the type of girls that like, Hey, let's get her. Let's take our tops off at 8am. Last year, that girl last year, with the, the fucking, uh, was it tequila with the pickle juice after the dirty Mexican? Oh my god. Is that what they call that drink? They did. Yes. They did. Oh, yeah. Oh, the dirty Sanchez.

Dirty Sanchez. I actually walked around with pickle. Dirty Mexican. The leaf blower. That's what they call that. The leaf blower. There you go. Uh, we actually walk, I actually went to like five different people's houses with tequila and pickle juice, trying to explain them and everybody thought I was like, you've lost your mind, Bartek. I'm like, yeah, I mean, obviously I did 30 years ago, but here's the, this is great pickle juice. It's, it's cost-effective everybody. If you're saving money over the holidays, because you can get the most rot gut tequila in the world, it tastes good. If you chug pickle juice afterwards, if you chase it, because I hate, I hate tequila dude. That's always not like I ever drank any freeze, but if I ever did, I always,

it tastes like some sort of cleaner. It's really fucking there's the amount of people too who really like, uh, just slammed that shit. I had somebody a long time ago, one of, one of, uh, worked for one of my managers that I had back in the day and he, he fucking drank tequila and he drank, he drank that shit like, you know, like we drink crown of royal, like it was nothing. No, I like, I, to this day, dude, as much as a fucking booze bag as I am, if you give me a shot at tequila, I will make a face like I'm in seventh grade. I just can't get that shit down. Oh, remember the correlation? She had the fucking overalls, fat ass and the fucking half shirt. Yeah, I remember all of it. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, I remember that. That was before it got a little blurry. Well, in the

chronological history of the Rose Bowl, uh, first one ever, the epic, the granddaddy of them all, the one, it's, it's like every great empire starts with a big crime. Like that was the crime against she made. That was just the greatest. That was probably my funnest time as an adult ever. That there's why was that? Cause I feel like we get just as drunk every year, but that there was just something about, I think because it was all new. Yeah. No, but everything worked out. We walked in there completely hammered. I remember I bought that, that 50 year old guy a program because he thought it was too expensive and I was like, let me get two. You like that? I go, you know, you're looking at, you're looking at a big shot. You're not going to see a lot of this. I was talking

like a fucking idiot. We were smoking those Cubans and we, we got in and somehow you still had your Cuban cigar. I could you have your ticket around your neck? I have, I think you bought the, uh, the super duper ticket holder and they just, I'm a nerd. I try to say it was so many people squishing in that they weren't even looking at me that I was still smoking a Cuban cigar. There's nothing about eating a steak, drinking a bottle of crown, smoking a Cuban cigar that makes you feel empowered to do anything. And a lot of people listening is thinking that you mean, he means splitting a bottle every year. Joe shows up with two bottles of crown, one for us and one for him. And dude, I heard Jimmy Page, you know, that picture that he takes where he, he puts the

Jack Daniels back like that. I already just stuck his tongue in the, in the hole there. Just, it was just like a photo-wop thing. You actually down the whole. Oh, that's considered a fifth. That's terrible. Yeah. Well, it's the regular size crown, but that's terrible to know. I didn't want to know that. Well, he made it up with the fucking, uh, the heroin abuse. Oh, I'm just repeating something from somebody in a bar who allegedly met fucking somebody. Well, let me tell you something, mister, in a bar, if you're going to talk shit on Jimmy Page, I just make sure it's true because that's something. That's not a rumor that should be like, you know, Jimmy Page, he's not really drinking. That's like, Jimmy Page is Jack Daniels is really iced tea. It's like,

when you find out when Dean Martin, like, like, no, Dean was drunk most of the time, just when he was already gone, like the producer, like, let's put a little, let's water this one down. Yeah. Cause now, now people want to revisit his history. Like, oh, Dean was drinking iced tea. Like, yeah. And the hookers were fake. Like, give me a break. Like, these guys were partying their asses off and they, they had a good buzz going. Look, you got to know me. Most of my shit is just stuff that I just repeat shit that somebody tells me. And then that's it. That's, I don't research it. No, but we do drink a lot. But I, I, and I had in the liehead though, liehead is the cook. Lawhead's looking at a barbecue brisket or some shit. Game, game,

game two. I'd say the other thing too, just the planes coming over when you're, when you are bombed, there is nothing better than two, two like F 16 flying right over your head that you're not expecting. I mean, that was just like, yeah. I also think those who like to like historic teams too. It's like we went the first year and it was USC versus Penn State and Penn State gained six total yards in that game. And I celebrated it like they won 40 to nothing. Well, that's because you yelled at that fucking content was sitting in front of, oh, she got mad at you with the cigar. Yeah. Yeah. The funny thing was, was I mean, I might sit around the Penn State, my SATs, I could have taken them six times. I wouldn't have gotten into Penn State if you added them

all together. But I got like a 390 or a 407 combined and I took a prep course. But we were like, actually the day I was going to take the SATs, I, the night before my friend of mine is like, Hey, come, come help me collect some money. So I didn't get a good night's sleep before I took my test. Oh, that's right. Back in the day, when you were in Pittsburgh, yeah, back in the day. Yeah, we won't tell them those stories. But that's, that's my essay. That's why I didn't do too good in the SATs. You know, is that that stuff about collecting money back in the day when you were you were the, the fucking dude they brought around the enforcer that you don't get into that stuff ever, huh? No, it was just fun. It's just, it was just for beer

money. I was talking about something. That's why that guy that one year, the first year, the wife of that lady, after she gave you shit, she said something about your nose. And then you said you need to lose about 20 pounds before you talk to me, bitch. And then she turned to her husband. And he turned around took one look at you and then started John at me, you know, I said like 40, you always say 20, I said like 40 though, she was a big ugly woman. The thing was, I'm a nice guy, Bill. And I, and if you just would have said, hey, can you please put that cigar out? I would have said, Oh my, Oh my God, I actually, I snuck this in. I'm sorry. I didn't even sneak it in. I just forgot I was smoking it. I'm like,

sorry, I'll put it out. You had it chomped in your mouth like you were a general surveying your conquered land. It was like, I was, it's like, I was, it's like, I was a boxing aficionado from the 1920s. Yeah. And she said, she came out of the gate. And then I was just like, well, that's uncalled for. And that's what I said needed to lose about 40 pounds to talk to me. And then I thought we were getting kicked out. But in defense of her though, like we were so you realize how fucking ridiculous it was? Well, first of all, I fell on that fucking old lady sort of fell into her. Yes. And nobody helped me up. I had to push off her and I felt folded her in half. And then you got to the seat and then you had the fucking cigar. So already we were

kind of a spectacle. We have to have a little bit of empathy here to paint the picture of where we were at though too. And if you ever see a college football game where you see the stands and it's like, Oh my God, there's 100,000 people wearing red or orange or green. Yeah. There was literally 50,000 people wearing USC colors and just a speck of me and Bill just wearing like neutral nothing. Yeah. But they knew we were for Penn State immediately. Once that lady started yelling at me, obviously, I mean, I'm not a USC fan anyway. So I, but I did like to USC because the girls were so hot. And then we met a guy that was such a USC fan. He literally had the, the Trojan outfit and let us put on the Trojan helmet and that's the beauty of the Rose Bowl.

I think that makes it so much fun as a 80 degrees outside everywhere else. The weather sucks. And the teams are so happy to be there. There's nothing really on the line. No, I mean, other than, you know, your own betting purposes, everyone's just happy to be parting. It's not like in your in Pittsburgh. And I mean, like some of the best tailgates are Green Bay or any other city where it rules, there's tension in the air. Yeah. And it's 20 degrees outside. It's sunny. Everyone's happy to be there throwing the ball around. It's just, it's the way it should be. You know, you told me something the other day that was because, you know, you know, I'm a big like maniac as far as going around to different stadiums and all that. Like I love all of them.

And I got a chance to go to three rivers before they knocked it down. I didn't see a Steelers. I saw a Pirates game there when they honored Willie Stardale literally like two weeks before he died. Oh, pops. Yeah. And I remember it was a Cubs game and I was sitting down the right field line and Sammy Sosa was still playing. And but you were saying your dad has had season tickets since the stadium that they played in before three rivers, which was what I always forget. Yeah, my dad has had tickets since Forbes field. Forbes. And then they went to Pitt Stadium or something for a couple years. I may have this reverse, but he's had them like in both of those places, then they went to three rivers and my dad sat exactly on the 50 four rows from the top.

Four rows, four rows from the top and he sat there and he, he watched them go from sucking. I mean, you guys were the absolute, you know, you're one of the original NFL teams and you were a doormat for the good, what 30, 40 years. It's finally come back to where now we're like better than we suck. Like, like I was born in 1969. That's the year they drafted Joe Green. I'm 43. For the first 40 years, they didn't win like four games. Now we finally, now it's like we've been better than, than, than we've been, than we sucked. When I was super bowl era. Yeah. Cause when I was like five or six, my dad would take me to games. That's when it was all steel workers. So you went there and you saw Lambert, Ham, I saw every, I saw the game where Bradshaw

spun in the ice and play off games. Yeah. I mean, the greatest thing was we were, our, our side was the stealer. That was on the cover of sports illustrated, I think. Yeah. Our side was on the stealer bench. So the greatest thrill ever is, is the Steelers would kick off and then this, then okay, the other team would have the ball one, two, three and out. And then the Steelers come off to our side and then it's like watching the Hall of Fame induction committee come off. I mean, that's the Steelers and how many of them made of that? There's 11 guys on defense, like six of them, maybe? Well, four, four, four on defense and sure dude, Elsie Greenwood, Elsie's not in yet. He isn't. No, it's mean Joe Lambert, Ham and Mel Blunt. And then it's on the offense,

it's Webster, Swan, Stallworth, Bradshaw, Franco, and of course the Emperor Chuck, no, and they used to be that's nine, nine out of your 22. That's almost half the guys on your fucking team of your starting team made the fucking Hall of Fame on a football team. Well, the thing was is in for years, they wouldn't put Swan or Stallworth in and it used to be the old manager of the punchline. Jim Coronette knew at like five in the morning when I'm a bottle of crown in, you want to get me to argue for an hour? Just say, I don't think Lynn Swan should be in the Hall of Fame. That was obvious. It's almost like now I can die in peace. Like the Ranger fans, you know what that's like? That was the first time we brought up you and I discussed

all Samuelson and Cam Neal and you like, yeah, I mean, you know, I didn't think off was that better guy. I was like, you got it. And you what's funny about you is you just don't ever lose your cool. You just sit there and just be like, Hey, you know, which was making me fucking matter and matter. I remember we were over fucking Jimmy doors. And Jimmy was killing everybody playing ping pong. Oh, yeah, taken in between. Jimmy was fucking talking shit to you. It is just I'm just returning the ball, Bill. I'm just returning the ball and he put all this fucking spin on it. I get my ass kicked over there. Democrats must have been losing that year. Don't play door when the Republicans are in the White House. We'll take it out on you.

Exactly. So we got in that epic fight. But you know, I'm trying to think. So the first like NFL game you went to you, he brought you there when you're like, what, four or five years old? Yes, there was like 10, 10, no women, no women ever in like just 10 boys that were lucky enough to have. I went with my dad and my grandpa. And that was the original curtain, the original everything. So wait a minute. Now, can you remember? Did you ever see OJ Simpson? I mean, it's a friend. No, no, no, I want to hear some of the guys you saw because the first game I went to was like, I'm the 80s. I saw the guys like Dan Marino. I saw Jim Zorn. I saw guys from like leftover 70 guys and all the 80 guys when I would go to the Patriots. But like 70s guys, that's when I

collected football cards. That's when they were like gods to me. So can you remember anybody? And you put you saw Earl Campbell then? Oh, yeah, I saw Earl Campbell to me, still the greatest running back I've ever seen because he's the only guy that I was when I was a kid I was ever afraid of. Like when I was a kid, the Steelers were like the Globetrotters. Like they never lost. Like when they lost in 77 to the Orange Crush in Denver in mean Joe, my favorite Steeler, obviously, he punched the guy in the stomach and got thrown out. It ruined Christmas. Like I still believed in Santa Claus, but the Steelers losing and mean Joe getting tossed out. It was like Christmas was ruined. That was such a fucked up year. That was a year

with Craig Morton and those guys, right? Yeah, next week they beat the Raiders. Yes, John Madden. Yeah, Madden. And then they got crushed by the Cowboys, which was such a joke. Oh, the team this the team that decade where you'd never beat anybody for real when it ever really mattered Dallas, they would never call the team. They were called America's team. America's team. Yeah, that's like, well, America's team means is that you have fans in every city. It doesn't mean that you're the best team. Well, people take that the wrong way. Well, for years, though, it's like they always revisionist, you know, this and that, you know, and it's like Lin Swan always says, the game gives you moments. It's what you do with those moments. And Jackie Smith,

you dropped the ball. You must be the sickest man in America. Bless his heart. He's got to be the sickest man in America. I got to put that clip up there too. That was like, dude, I got to tell you something though. When I went over to Stockholm, Sweden, and I was totally jet lagged, some fucking Steeler fan put all four of the Steelers Super Bowls in their entirety. I don't know if they're still up on YouTube. It was the fucking shit. And I got to tell you something about the Dallas Cowboys 1976. They had you guys beat. They played Marty ball in the set. They started the game with a fucking reverse on the kickoff to fucking Hollywood Henderson. He runs up the sideline, Roy Jarrella knocked it knocked him out of bounds. He took a knee to the ribs.

He missed like three field goals because of that fucking play. And Tom Landry got all fucking conservative and shut his offense down. No, in suit, the kickoff and let it in the hands of his defense. I really like I mean, yeah, like those games really don't to me as those were like the bed like the best Super Bowl I ever saw is just as far as two powerhouse teams was that 79 one that the Steelers versus the Cowboys and the two that worst matchups to the worst matchups that were almost great fucking Super Bowls was if the fucking Raiders beat the stupid orange crush that year, they were defending Super Bowl champions and they would have gone up against the Dallas Cowboys with a rookie Tony Dorsett. Now how much fucking better that can instead of stupid 27 to 10 game

and then in 85 when my stupid Patriots, we beat the fucking Miami Dolphins. The Miami only reason why the Bears didn't go undefeated was because the Dalton Damarino beat him on Monday night football beat the 46 defense. They were 15 and fucking one. It would have been the rematch. Damarino defended the undefeated Dolphins. That Super Bowl would have happened. But the stupid fucking Patriots, we went into the orange ball one for the first time in like 20 years. And then we go in there and just we got right. I think we got raped. We literally got raped. And I hate that I hate that shit on the Pittsburgh guy who I love, but he should let Peyton get the touchdown. That was a disgrace when he gave the fridge the ball. Really? Yeah, you're gonna give the fridge the ball because

the fridge is the fridge because they got because they got caught up in that Super Bowl as opposed to like Walter Peyton who was playing on like two and 14 teams or two and 12 teams when he started because they didn't have 14 when everyone still ran the ball like the SEC when football was about what it was a man's game. It's not like let's spread everybody out and get a pass interference. Oh, can we talk about that? I gotta read some advertising here real quick. But we gotta we gotta talk about that because I know you are definitely on the same page as me when it comes to this pass interference shit. So let's get the advertising out of the way here. Everybody stamps.com. You know the deal. I read this every week. You're sick of going to the post office.

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and get your 20 bucks back or at least slam a zombie over the head with it. And they're going to give you a brush. You're out of your mind not to do this. Again, that's the man great grills enhancement system ordered today on the podcast page of billbird.com. Okay. All right. Back with the legendary Joe Bartnick. Before we get into this, aside from the fact you're one of my great friends, both in and out of this business. Uh, we're here to actually promote Joe Bartnick has a new stand up CD, uh, hour long CD that he's going to be releasing off of all things comedy, our podcast network called salute. Um, tell the, uh, tell the fine folks about it. Oh, it's a, it's a fun CD recorded live at the punchline in San Francisco.

It's about 15 minutes of Bartnick classics. Uh, it was so I can hopefully bury some of that material. I've been lagging around. I need some new stuff. Everyone's like, we've heard that 10 times. Like, well, you keep coming back. Thanks. Uh, but, um, actually buy it on Amazon. It comes out Tuesday, help bill, help the wounded warriors and don't go out in traffic. I'll tell you what, I was just in traffic yesterday, going to a gig and I was like, haven't people figured out Amazon yet? Like you can just sit at home in your underwear. It's like, they have your, your, your, they have your master cards. They have your sister's address. You just go boom, boom, boom, and that is it. That's it. It's amazing. But yeah, it's a called salute. Like instead of cheers,

us Italians go salute. That's right. And since I'm a big drinker and a lot of the jokes are about drinking in the one way or the other. Um, it's good. First time I ever heard salute was a some live old, uh, Sinatra album. I heard it. It was with him with the Count Basie Orchestra and they brought out a drink. Somebody said something and he said, salute, Jim Dunn. I was, I can almost some Italian shit. I don't know why he laughed or whatever. And I was just like, it just seemed like even just in that moment on the record, it just seemed like it was so much better that like, I don't know. It was just like, if you went and saw Frank, it's not like somebody would take out a fucking iPhone and then film it. And then if you didn't make it, you could see a clip of it.

It's just like you, it was such a fucking, everything was just such a fucking event. That's why like, you know, why I'm sitting here being a total geek about listening to you go into those, you went to NFL games in the seventies, dude, the seventies, that was like the golden age of NFL football, like the level of quarterbacks that were in the league, Stabler, Bradshaw, Staubach, Fran Tarkington, who else are some of the biggest ones? But even the shitty quarterbacks, like Ken Anderson or Brian Sight, Dan Fouts, not a shitty quarterback. Oh, oh, Fouts is amazing. But even like that, even the back of Dan Pasterini. Yeah, Dante Paster like, like Don Strock, Don Strock would be, would be a playoff quarterback nowadays.

Oh, the way they fucking throw now. Yeah. They don't even run for four yards. So those guys will throw for 300 yards. And they're literally like, you know, 42 for 48, you're like, oh my god, the accuracy. It's like, no, they're throwing four yard fucking passes. You're not allowed to touch a wide receiver. I mean, think, think of what Swan would do now. They couldn't touch them. I mean, they used to just try to abuse them every second that the Raiders are like, you know, hit them in the head. Swan play with concussions every week. It's like, or the Mel Blunt rule, which if you can somehow find this guy's footage on the on on YouTube of the 1976 Superbowl Mel Blunt just beats the shit out of Golden Richards, the whole fucking game. Golden Richards almost is crying

in the end of it. And he finally gets so fed up in the fourth quarter. He punches Mel Blunt back and Mel Blunt just did I think it was a forearm shiver or something to his ribs. And Golden's laying on the ground almost crying. No flag and like the ref saw like the fucking elbow and stuff. It was just considered football. It was a man's game. It used to be football. Well, it used to be football was like the 12 like the 10 guys in the bar you wouldn't mess with. Those guys played football. Now it's like the 10 guys who when they were 15 started taking steroids and like they went through all the best schools, they got recruited and they did good in the combine and blah, blah, blah. It's like, because the guys have played the end of it. You don't even see me. I'm just

bitching about the rules. I still think that those guys are fucking maniacs, man. I just think like the level of like, like the money and there's so much at stake now that you can't just be going down to the bar drinking a 12 pack and then going out and playing your high school football game Friday night, you know, you really got to take it seriously. But I think the I think in the 70s, those those guys are way more outlaws. They were the outlaws. The steal. I mean, like Ernie Holmes shot at a police helicopter and Rooney brought a brought a bag of money up to Cleveland like I let him off the hook. Like it was like that that type wouldn't happen now. Now they should now they should have rate. You have Rachel Nichols outside

the outside the facility. We don't know what's wrong with Ernie. I mean, it's like, I just read that big ESPN book that like 1000 page book, I'll give it to you. And it's all like behind the scenes. It's like, you know, any way you paint it, I still hate Susie Colbert. She despicably did not kiss. I would kiss Joe Willie Namath on national TV. Why would you disparage Joe Willie Namath? It's like it's Broadway Joe. Everybody loves the ladies. The poor man had to go to rehab. He was embarrassed. Like you can always funny was the second he started talking, you knew he was hammered. Yeah, he was just he just had that fucking I can't feel my nose glow look on his face. But it's Joe Namath. He's allowed. I know. And he was back there with his friends.

You know what they were doing? You know, they were talking shit going, come on, guys, you know, if we were healthy, we'd fucking kill this team. You know, they were having a good time. And all of a sudden, he's talking to some fucking lady. And you know him, he went back to the 70s back at the Playboy Mansion. Well, she grabbed Joe come over here and she grabbed was like, what's he gonna do? I really want to kiss you. I love Joe. I follow him on Twitter. He's the best. I love like I just I love Joe. He's the he's Joe name. That's that's one thing about Pittsburgh too. It's like, you know, and you hate when I go off. But you know, Johnny, you basically invented football. No, no, no, no, I just I give you shit about the amount of times that you quote,

like, I don't give a fuck what situation we could be in the middle of the desert, like running out of water and you just be like, well, you know, one time Mike Wagner said, well, John Stallworth to quote, John Stallworth, you're fucking super fit, man. I can't. My two favorite sports quotes are Glenn Swan. The game gives you moments. My other one is actually, I told it to John Madden's face and he loved it. Tell that story. Okay, so we're out in a business park. Me and my buddy the captain out in like an hour west east of Oakland, which is basically if you're not on the coast in California, you might as well be in Texas. This is like this is actually where they shoot the sons of anarchy. It's just the bad lands of California. Anyway, we're out

there. I'm probably dropping off a bag of weed to a friend of mine or something. We were there around lunchtime. And I was saying, we see this massive force coming out of a diner and John's huge and he's wearing like a big winter coat because it gets cold there. It's like 40. Did you recognize Madden immediately? Immediately. And I would be like, Hey, John. So I'm going to go in the captain like, Hey, man, like hitting them like, look, look, look, look, look. And I was sudden. So anyway, we start walking and he's like, Oh my God. So then so we're going, Hey, Mr. Madden or like, Hey, Hey, what was was he freaking out? He's just a big guy to be. Yeah. And I mean the captain at noon in an office park, it's like, it's like in an office park, we're getting, you know, what's what

these guys want. Yeah. So he starts walking really fast. Like I'm getting away from these guys. I'm trying to go to his car. Yeah. He's like, not from with his keys, but he's trying to hurt with his keys. So then I, so then, so he's totally ignoring us. Just like, maybe these guys will go away. I'm going to blow my rape whistle, like get away. And then I just yell out my favorite quote actually, which is he told his Super Bowl pregame speech was this will be the greatest day of your life. Only if you win. So you yelled that I yelled that at him. Right then he turns around and goes, Oh, hey, fellas, how you doing? And he showed us his Super Bowl ring. We went over and shook his hand and then I'm not an autographed guy. And until like a year ago, I wasn't even a picture guy.

Right. But you kind of have to do that now. So I'm just like, it was just a thrill. And then literally we got in our car and just called the first 1000 people we could talk like we just met man. But I use that on myself for like big sets or big shows or big appearances or something is like, oh, that's what you used it to psych yourself. Yeah, like this will be the greatest day of your life. Only if you kill only if you kill. That's hilarious. Fucking late. Yeah, I gotta admit like I'm I'm I'm fighting really hard not to become the the crabby old guy sitting there talking about how the game used to be. And I think, you know, I understand they got to do what they got to do. You understand, dude, this this future football, they're going to start with the linemen standing

up so they don't slam their heads together. Well, what I understand is that you know what, you want to live till you're 70, drive a bus. You want to you want to have baby mamas and mansions and drive cars and be on yo MTV raps, then you're going to die when you're 50. And that's the way it is. If you don't like it, play in the CFL. Like, I mean, that's just that's just that's football. See, that's the thing, Bill. That's what I grew up on. I grew up on that. That's it's just I still enjoy it. Hell, I work for the NFL on Fox. It pays me. I love I get to take it. I watch every game. It's still good. It's still better than watching 98% of everything else. But it's not the third one. You got five wide receivers in the game.

That's not football. Right. I mean, that's what I love about me. You know, like all these tricks and like Chuck know, I'll quote Chuck know again, or, you know, like, you can fool some of the people some of the time, but in the end, it comes down to blogging and tackling. And that's football. It's about lining up. It's the Oklahoma drill. You know, it's about them. Even do you quote Steelers the way like a Jesus free quotes like scripture. Well, NFL films to me, Chuck know three 16 to me. If you grew up in Pittsburgh, if you're from Pittsburgh in the seventies, you can jerk off the super, but you can jerk off the NFL films. It's that great. I'm in San Francisco. I was roommates with the greatest run in the super lab. You guys won four

and six years, four and six. My old roommate, one of my old roommates, who was a complete art guy and drew and he was sensitive. He probably wrote poetry. I don't know. But he hated football, but he just loved the cinnamon tography of NFL films. I mean, that's that's how great. It's almost like, it's almost like regular football. If you just watch a game, like whatever you're going to watch, whatever today, it's not as good as watching the NFL films version of NFL. Yeah. NFL films. I always forget the guy, the voice of God. Oh, John Foscenda. Yeah. The autumn wind is a raider. Oh yeah. You know, it was great. You ever heard already already Lang? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, all the time. I love that. Nick and already that's the best when he quotes that. Oh, yeah. I went

in. I did Nick and already showed such a if you guys aren't listening to it, you're out of your mind. If you just want to listen to two people talking sports and even if you're not into sports, you're just going to love listening to it because it's just this just guys, guys, it's fucking great. And I was sitting out waiting to go in and he went into his his impression of that. The autumn wind is a raider. I can't remember how the fuck it goes. And he just did the whole poem and he fucking is just his delivery because he's a fucking great actor too, man. You know, I mean, oh, he's he's I mean, I love already. I mean, already laying his his football jokes on his Jack and Coke special is the greatest when he wrote when he rips on the Eagles. That's just

the funniest thing ever. I made Kevin Shea watch it. I taped it. I gotta see. It's just funny to do a chunk on the Eagles and his stand up special. Yeah, my buddy Paul Versey said one time he goes, you know, it's fucking weird is everybody watches sports for the most part. We say everybody I mean the masses watch real men. Yeah, but but no people who you're going to talk to watch sports not that the guy with it. I just love how we define anybody who's into our shit real guys, guys that you like if you're wearing a hat, just because you think it's cool. And like your trendy like, you know, I'm not going to talk to you anyway. Like that's just how have you stand up like I like the guys who I would be drinking with. I don't like the guys who I

wouldn't be drinking with. And that's just the way it is. Now some guys are that's why I like hanging out with you because I need over the years I've gotten a little more fucking little some of your Bartnick stuff is rubbed off on me because I'm one of those fucking I'm like, you know, I'm a liberal I'm one of those empathetic people. Let me see the other side of this shit. A lot of people wouldn't believe that listen to this podcast. Well, that's like, go ahead. I'm sorry. But I fucking, you know, it finally I've gotten to the point of I will actually now like if someone's a fucking dick, I'll just be like, All right, that guy's a dick, but it still won't stop me from trying to understand why they're a dick. But you're like, you're just so fucking efficient with that shit. Like, I know

a couple guys like you in my life where it's just you're just real efficient. You size somebody up. And the second you think that they're a dick, you like, fuck that guy. And you don't give a fuck about well, maybe his dad left, you don't give a fuck, you just like fuck him. I don't know. I mean, I feel bad for him if his dad, I feel bad. Well, you know what, I feel bad for people who lose their mothers. Because and just like the, not to be tragic, the Kansas city thing, that's what's sad is like some kid doesn't have a mother, but that's the fucking I didn't want to get into because it's just a sad topic. But the no, we're going to talk about now. Oh, sizing people up. Well, I grew up in bars, my grandfather owned and ran bars. And so every single minute,

why the fuck wasn't that the name of your special Joe Bartnick? I grew up in bars. If you somehow picture if you're sitting there on this stool, I'm sorry, I'm interrupting your great story. Go ahead. No, no, no. But that's so, you know, when you're, when you're like four years old in Pittsburgh in, in like, you know, the seventies and bars, you can size people up. You, you understand people's mojo in about a second. If they're good. How old were you when they, when you were getting brought into these bars? Oh, like three, four, five, six, my grandfather, always have three, but he was like, Norm, he had a seat in every bar. He'd go and be like, Hey, hair, he got everybody hair. His name was Dominic. He was like the original guy that would

say dude, cause he couldn't remember a million people's names. So he would just go, Hey, hair, Hey, Harry. And he was totally bald. That's why it's either games. He was the genie cause it rubbed his head for good luck. They actually rubbed his head before the immaculate reception. And that's, that's a true story. So he was always the genie after that to lift up his hat. Say that you were at that game. I'm walking. I was not at the immaculate reception game. No, I was not. My first live game was in 1976. Actually it was that it was Tampa Bay versus the Steelers. They won 42 nothing in a blizzard. No one Sam Huff, the quarterback was Doug Williams there. I don't remember. I mean, I was like six years old. It was just a blizzard and everyone was mad

that we went. That's when my dad would go to every game. Now, if it's like raining in early October, that's a little chilly outside. I'm going to stay home. But before, because he waited 40 years to see a winner. But just that's just how I saw it. She was like, and women too, especially that an old girlfriend of mine was like, she was like, I love Sarah, whether her name was like Sarah Sarah's a great friend of mine. She's my friend. I'm like, she's a con. I'm like, don't deal with her. We broke up three years later. This girl comes up to me because you were so right about Sarah. She was such a bitch. I'm like, I told you, I can just but other people and in Hollywood or they were like, they're nice to everybody because they were only one effect. I

guess it's a tonight show. And then the only like, really, who gives a shit? Like life's too short. If he's a dick now, he'll be a dick then. I don't really care. Like I'm friends with who I want to be friends with. Right. But I'm nice. I'm pretty much nice to everybody though. I'm just not their friends. No, no, I would I would 100% agree with that before we get too deep into the podcast if we're gonna talk football the whole time. I mean, I guess there's not a lot to talk about about fucking hockey. But I've been kind of blaming the owners because it's been a lockout and they agreed to a deal. But someone was giving me shit on Twitter saying you just see this shit the players did now you're still on the players side. I hope not. And I haven't really been paying attention. Last

I paid attention, they were down to like, you know, players were going from 57% to now to 53. I have three things to say about the hockey thing. One is why doesn't just I know Lemieux saved hockey three times, but he's to come back again. Why is it Lemieux, Shanahan, Holly and Steve Iserman, just get in a room and just say, you know what, we, you know, this is the fucking game. Here's the deal. Just play hockey. And that's it. But the two things I do want to say is like, you know, the other for like a month, I'm like, it's dark outside. I need to be watching five games. Like I'm shaking. Then last week, I just was like, you know what, I'm reading the book. I don't, I don't miss it. And you know what, NHL, if I'm not missing it, who the hell is going to

be watching like Carolina Ottawa on Fox Sports South to alternate? You know, I mean, you don't want to have got me back in the hot. Yeah, like if I'm not watching it, who's, who's, who's coming back? The really sad thing is my daughter for Christmas got this doll that's like the super doll that you have to knife to buy $80 outfits for. So my sister was like, I'm going to buy her a penguin outfit. The lady in Pittsburgh is like, Oh, we're not making penguin outfits this year because of the strike. I'll get her a stealer one. So that's just how far down like everything is that hockey just gets lower and lower now because of the strike. So stupid. And they made more money than they ever made. They had the, they have the winner

classic to send NHL hockey has not been on network television on NBC CBS or ABC has not been on it the entire time I've watched it. It was on in the 70s. The worst time they could have made the deal when it was just absolutely a fucking bar room brawl every every game. You know something? This is the one thing. The only thing I like is two things I like about the Montreal Canadians being a Bruins fan. One was when they booed Patrick Waugh. And he said, fuck you guys. I'm never playing here again. Because that really fucked that franchise. And then he goes to win two with the avalanche, which were the Nordic so that could piss off Canadians with the the the Ray Bork cup. Yeah, yeah, it was awful. What do you think about that

though? I actually I don't have a problem with it because let me get to the other thing. Okay. Okay. The other thing about that I love was when fucking Larry Robinson beat the shit out of Dave Schultz to start the Canadians run where he was just standing up to him. It's like, all right, buddy, you want to play this fucking game? No, that's I mean, you know, I love that, you know, my hatred for the Flyers run. Oh, it's it's legendary. Pittsburgh Pittsburgh and Philly, they're they're in the same state. They are that's Hatfield and McCoy. Yeah, that's just that is that's the only rivalry Pittsburgh has because people like one event, the Browns is like, oh, you're not rivalry with your doormat, the Ravens, they're like new and who cares? I mean, the Flyers

and the penguins, we used to be over Nixon. We're like over Watergate in the spectrum to like 88. I mean, it's just I mean, that's and then and their fans and their fans hated them you, but then they actually cheered them you when it came back for cancer. They hate Crosby. A lot of fans hate Crosby, but they hate Crosby. And he Crosby just sticks it to him. Yeah, that's just the best. Some people have do have a hateable face. Crosby has he has sort of a Danny age pouty face that's that unless he's your guy, you're not going to like it. He's he's the best. So it's like LeBron people just they're good. There's haters. No, they're already exactly they're already gonna fucking hate him. Yeah, but he's so much he's so much easier to hate because

there's something about his face. It'd be like Eli Manning would be so much more respected. He would be at least considered at Aaron Rodgers level, which I think he finally is after that second one. But like it was his face. His he just doesn't look like, you know, he doesn't have like that fucking, everything's gonna be okay. I'm banging the fucking captain of the cheerleaders fucking in high school, maybe hooked up with a teacher just that fucking, you know, that fucking five o'clock shadow the gunslinger. He doesn't have that look. Luck has that look. Luck. Luck is a man. I love the fact you know something I realized I because the fact that actually like Andrew Luck and actually like the Colts now, I actually realized that I never really even hated Peyton

Manning. I just hated that Tom Brady that wasn't getting the respect because now like I'm watching Tom I'm watching Peyton Manning with the Broncos and I'm rooting for him. And I actually think the Patriots dude, I mean, I don't even know if we beat the Dolphins at this point was close, but I'd say we already beat Broncos this year. We've got a 50-50 chance of losing fucking we play them in the playoffs because he's so gelled with that team now. Oh, they're good. The Broncos are good. I mean, anybody but I mean, anybody but Houston, give me a break. I'm saying Houston, Houston. I mean, like, give me old school hatred of the Oilers. Oh, I know. The Houston Oilers number one. I used to have this shirt that had the little iron on from the mall that had

bum Phillips beat on a door that said Super Bowl and Jack Lambert's in front of it just holding it back like like a bum knocking on the Super Bowl door like they won't let them in. Oh dude, if you still had that, that's fucking legendary. The sweat rings would be right through it. But no, I mean, I just used to certainly, I mean, like, I mean, the Steelers are down here. But I mean, like the thing about the AFC to me is like you always either go through Pittsburgh or you got to go through the Baltimore because unless you, unless you can look James Harrison and Paula Malau in the face and say we're going to Super Bowl or you can look Uncle Ray in the face, right? Then you haven't really beaten. You haven't played man football and Houston,

Schwab, really? Schwab? You think Bill Belichick is going to let Schwab go to the Super Bowl? But the thing about the Patriots, so we put up Gotti num, I feel like we're the Patriots right now. We like how the Colts were back in the day when, when Peyton Manning, they would go 13 and three or 12 and four and then losing the first round. We don't lose in the first round, but like, like, we're not going to play the bills. We're not going to play the Jets in January. So who gives a fuck that we put up 50 fucking points, it inflates your stats and it makes everybody think that you're this juggernaut. And the best thing our secondary has going for it is our running game because it can chew up the clock and keeps them off the field as long as possible because,

dude, we fucking let up like 300 yards to that bum and fucking buffalo, whatever the fuck his name is, Patrick. Yeah, he's out there like he's fucking starback. His contract is horrible. His contract is horrible. His contract is like 10 years for all this money. Yeah, just not a good like even strength is trying to end their contract with Ryan. That goes back to that Ray Bork thing. Were you going to ask me like how I felt about it? Like you had to understand that the Bruins fan base was so loyal. It didn't matter that we weren't winning cups. They were still going to sell it out and sending in those guys were just cheap fucks. And they would never just make that extra move to get us over the top and Ray stayed with us, dude, from 1979

to June of 2000. And he went through I don't know how many rebuildings, especially in the 90s when we really started falling off. He went through he fuck. What was he supposed to do? He had one more year left. There was no fucking way we were going to win it. And that was they did him a solid. They traded them to a contender and they still had to go out and win it. The only thing I didn't like and I know his heart was in the right place. But when he finally won the cup, he brought the cup back to Boston as like a show of Hey, man, you know, here's the Stanley Cup. And it's just like, I know his heart was in the right place, but it was brutal. It's like, yeah, here's this thing. You haven't fucking won in 30 28 years at that point. Yeah, 28 years.

But but so I don't have I don't have a problem. It was cool. He went to Denver too. So it's like a new city. It wasn't like he went to like, oh, I would say the Flyers offhand, but like he went to like the Rangers or someone that's just like, Oh, look, you've hated him for 30 years now. Here's like, yeah, I don't get mad at Denver didn't even have a team like Ray Allen going to Miami. It doesn't bug me. Like people actually get like pissed. Like he was one of our guys. It's like he wasn't. He was he was a free agent. He's he's Jim Calhoun's guy. I don't you know, way more than me. Oh, well, I mean, hoop is hoop is and it's so sad. Talk about the demise of the NFL. The biggest demise is demise of the Big East. I know, huh? Big East college basketball. We were supposed to

talk about that. Oh, yeah. Oh, we still can. It's the greatest. I used to watch it all the time. Fucking Georgetown, Chris Mullin. Pete. I mean, whatever people say, Washington. I read that book. Oh, you know, NASCAR and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, you know what, you know what? Invented ESPN was the Big East because then they had no stupid programming in the afternoon. You didn't have like a Michelle Beal on in the afternoon talking, let's see what Colin Coward thinks. Like who gives a shit what that guy thinks they just ran Big East basketball games again in the afternoon. So when you're out all night in high school playing, then you just stay home from school the next day and watch the Big East all afternoon. My grandma let me stay home from school

all the time. I just watched the Big East. It was the best to go to New York to and you go to New York to see the tournaments. Yeah, absolutely. So you saw Ewing and I saw I saw two years in a row. I saw the Patrick Ewing the year that they won the Big East championship. We actually saw them in LaGuardia, their whole team and my dad still pits this day because I became a Nick's fan because I love Pat. But Ewing didn't give me an autograph. My dad won the sucker punch him. He didn't give you an autograph. No, the whole team. So Bill Martin, who was the power forward back then, gave me an autograph. But these guys were huge. And Thompson was the biggest on the wall. And Thompson goes, who wants lunch? Horace? Remember Horace Brodnacks? He'd stack $100 bills like John

Gotti. So ripping them off, giving them the players. Jesus Christ. And then two seconds later, Andre, the giant walk past. And I swear to God, I'm almost ready to call bullshit on the story. Size what I can call my dad, except he's like, you know, panicking over the Colts. Baltimore, I said Colts. That's how old school I am. I can't Ravens. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, I, you know, he's already I interrupted it once. No, he's already half into a bottle of J&B or something. He likes to mix it up. I respect that. You know, he changed it up. Some days, buddy, Mary, some, you never know, he's there. So go back to Andre. I always interrupt

your great stories. So no, so, uh, so literally, uh, just right after that, we woke up, Andre, the giant walks back and honestly, John Thompson was bigger shoulder wise than him, but he walks by. This is how big he was. He actually ducked at a sign in LaGuardia. No airport signs. Like she can see him from a mile. Yeah, he's like six, 10. No, he's like seven, four. Who is Andre the giant? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about. Oh no, John Thompson. Like, so yeah, he's backed up bill Russell. Okay. That's how he knows how to play center because he worked with Andre the giant. They had a thing in sports illustrated one time and they would, they would just, uh, they talked about, you know, all the shit he would do is a

joke. Like he would like, uh, somebody's car, he would like turn it around and face it, make it facing the other way. And they showed him like one night, he allegedly drank like a hundred beers and they showed him when he holds a 12 ounce beer can in his hand, like the top of the can is flush with like, if you hold your hand sideways, the way you would hold the beer, like from the top of his hand to the bottom of his hand is the whole beer. He could fit a 12 ounce can in there. It literally looked, it wasn't even like a pony. It looked like half a pony shot. So it's just like, yeah, this is like him doing like three swallows. He'd be done with it. Still 100 beers are still fucking respectful, but, uh, he's one of the greatest biographies on A and E ever. Cause right

when he was going to die at like four months left, he just went back to his hometown and just played cards with all of his friends until he died. Just like, just bought like a cabin just like, yeah, come on over. I got a kegger playing cards. I think it's fucking on. You know, you know, bad. I hope I go out like that. Cause you know, there's something to be said about dying peacefully, like in your, in your sleep and not realizing it, but there's also, there is something if you've lived long enough and you've done, you know, had the kids, you get, you went after your dream, you did all that stuff, been just whatever did, did shit you wanted to do and was the most recognizable human being on the face of the earth. That's the only thing that Andre accomplished

in his Wikipedia page. It was, that's unreal. Yeah. He was like bigger than Jordan, like literally bigger than, well, I mean, they still have those fucking stickers that obey thing. You see, that's his face that they have all the way around there, but I would love to go out like that and just be like, when you're like fucking 85 and they just go, all right, you have three months to live and you're like, cool and enough of your friends are left. That's the one thing dude. If you live too long, you're fucking out, live all your friends. I just saw my grandmother, God bless her. She just, she passed away just shy of her 105th birthday. Dude, she was on her third set of friends, like generation, like she outlived. I mean,

it's just unbelievable. I mean, you know, she played bridge, kept her mind sharp and she had to just keep getting new friends. She outlived my grandfather by fucking 25 years, 25 fucking, they were married for 62 years. I mean, granted, they eloped when they were like, you know, 16, 17, like way back in the day. That's the only way you could back then. You were like, I think we're going to move in together for a while and see how it goes. We're going to get a dog and then if we can do that, then you know, that's like you want to do anything, you better be married. Exactly. That was exactly it. Yes. So they, they eloped, but yes. So they made, because I remember going to their 60th anniversary and that was like in the

fucking 80s, dude. That was like 84, 85, my grandfather passed in 87. And then she lived all the way to 2012. But that's the thing, dude, is you, you actually, you end up like you, you outlet everybody. Somebody was telling me last night, I'm working with Todd Rex, who I got to get on this podcast. T Rex. Todd Rex is one of the funniest motherfuckers ever. Oh, that's that story I told on this podcast, you know, he says, Hey, what do you say to handsome? You know, he says that shit. We, we got pulled over because his windows were too tinted or something. This guy pulls us over. We're on the 101. The guy, you know, the guy's talking on the cops talking on the loud speaker. He goes, you know, get off at the next exit and that got

us onto the 110. Now we're on, we're on our way to the brain improv. So now we're on the 110. We have to drive a quarter of a mile to get to the next fucking exit. We get off. We're literally like five miles away from where the fuck we were. We pull off. And for some reason, he has to stop under the fucking overpass. It's raining, right? So I don't know what we're underneath the thing. And Todd's been silly all week. Never seen any anger. Now for the first time seen him like fucking angry, right? And this baby face cop comes walking up and he does Todd doesn't give a fuck, puts the window down as the cop comes walking up, licenses ready to go. What do you say to handsome? Dude, we just start fucking bursting out laughing. And the cops stood there and he kind of looked

to I guess he watched Comedy Central. So he recognized someone in the car and then he recognized Todd. And then he literally got on his fucking heels like, Oh, shit, you guys are comics. We just started laughing. And he actually let us go, you know, I don't want to tell too much more because he had to be like a really good shit about it. I don't want to get the guy in trouble. And, you know, but whatever, I'm working with you didn't find the heroin in the truck is what you're saying. I'm saying maybe a few weeks later, somebody, you know, had a fucking moving violation and maybe he did something to make it go away. He was a good shit. Oh, right. Oh, there's nothing like good cops. Well, thank God he was a good guy because I even if the guy was like a fucking old school,

I'm going to shoot you and plant a gun on you. Todd T rex still would have said the same shit. Well, those say they had some that's the problem in Los Angeles all in the West Coast. San Francisco has got some old school city cops. And they're cool. And they let me off the hook on a couple DUIs. But I mean, like old Pittsburgh cops were the best for DUIs. Just like, yeah, go home. Like, you all right, go get out of here. I mean, there's not black or white old school city cops are the best because they don't give a shit. They've dealt with everything. So we was like the young, like straight out of the academy, we're in desert storm, Republican kids or color or the broads. They're the worst cops. But the old school men, they don't give a shit. They're over it. I mean,

the worst was one time I just, we just did a party in our ass off of New York City. I'm coming back out of New York on like interstate 80 or 280, whatever, going through Jersey to get the Pennsylvania. And, um, you know, when you're just in that morning, the sun comes up and you're still just gagged and just like drunk. And it's like 10 lanes of traffic. I didn't know I was actually in the 11th lane in the middle. Like I know I wasn't paying. I didn't know. And I'm like, why is this cop just sitting? It stopped in the middle of the freeway here. It was the center lane. What were you in? Like the breakdown? Yeah, like I was in the middle, like whatever, like right next to the wall. You mean like the medium? Yeah, the median strip lane. Yeah, that lane. So it's

not grass. It is paved, but no, it's paved. Yeah. I'm thinking like, what's that cop doing sitting there? So then I pull over and then I'm like, I swear about the way as you drive, right, pulls you over pulls me over. And at the time, my car, my window didn't work. So I had, so like I went to open the door to get the fight kicked it in. There's, there was like, I think when I trade the car in the boot print of the New Jersey State Trooper was still in the car here. It was his first Monday back. He'd been hit by a drunk driver. He was out eight months. Oh no. But it was so early in the morning on a Monday morning in Russia. He just couldn't believe that I was drunk. Yeah. He's just like, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, Oh, I didn't see it says, you know, strong out.

And he's like, or whatever I said, they got, you know, I luckily had the pencil. Nothing like out of the state plates, like I'm the asshole. They don't have this stuff in our state. I didn't know you couldn't drive on the fucking medium strip Pennsylvania. That's legal. We only got three lanes. You're like a big city officer. I don't really know. But that's, that's why I don't drink and drive ever anymore. Cause I've been pulled up. I got literally got off. That's why not because you don't want to kill somebody is because you don't want to. Well, I mean, I don't want to waste 10 grand. That should be the thing. How much did that last shot cost me 10 grand? I mean, obviously I don't want to hurt anybody. But I got busted for that shit in 89, December of 89.

It wasn't it was a dude with a layup. It was a layup. I was so fucking drunk. I couldn't even get my shit. I wasn't even nervous. That's how drunk I was. I was like, ah, you got me. But that's, that's, that's stumbled through the, I blew a one nine. That's the problem though. I thought I had it too. That's the problem nowadays though. It's like, Hey, you know, if you're that fucked up. And like, like I said, I was like five or six times out of my mind. And then each time I left the hook, that's why I was like, you know what? That's it. I can't do it. Did you ever get busted for it or no? No, I was always, I always like knew the cop or my boss knew the cop is always in Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh. It was five times

legitimately like just off the hook. Like, ah, yeah, I know you. We're a friend of a friend. You know, one time I was, I was coming home from a Christmas party. I was working in this warehouse. We were underage and me and this other guy, Sarge was his nickname. We got, we got absolutely fucking hammered and we were driving his mother's like Pontiac grand damn. You remember those things in the 80s and what they look like with that plastic shit. They're like, they were like the Chevy celebrity. Yeah, except for Pontiac. Yeah, by Pontiac. Exactly. So we were driving right through the center of town and there was this Jeep sitting at the old school CJ seven when they made him like out of fucking steel and the guys

stopped at the red light. I got a beer between my legs, you know, drinking and the other guys fucking, he's hammered. We both see it. We see it. He starts to slow down. He just didn't press the brakes hard enough. We just sort of, oh, bam, slammed into it. Right. And this shit had all like the brand new safety on it. So the engine fucking drops down under the fucking just the whole thing just crumpled up. I've slammed my head off the visor beer just goes all over me covered in fucking beer. We're right in the center of town in my hometown fucking cops are there like and it was so funny, the whole the fucking grand am was totaled. There was like just a scratch on the back bumper of the CJ seven like I don't even think the fucking guy like he

barely noticed who was sitting in the Jeep. He got out right cops are there in like fucking two seconds. They show I'm literally covered in beer and the cop, you know, standing there. He goes, you guys been drinking like, no, no, I'm a drink it all right, dude, fucking beer shower. So we stand down. He goes, yeah, he goes, this car wreaks the alcohol, get out of the car. We're like fine. So I'm standing there on the sidewalk on the other side of the Jeep with this dude, Sarge, covered in fucking I'm so drenched in beer. I'm actually cold because it's like fucking like 30 degrees out. I'm soaking wet. And I'm sitting there like and I already been through I know I hadn't been through my shit yet. I ain't got arrested yet. So I for drinking and driving.

So I'm sitting there talking to Sarge. I'm just going, dude, I'll give a fuck. If they arrest you, I'll go to court. I'll lie under oath. I don't give a fuck. I'll say you weren't drinking. I got you back. I'm fucking alive for you said all this shit. And then when I was done, I turned and faced the street and there was a cop sitting in the cruiser staring right at me. When I thought heard the whole thing to this day, I can't believe we he didn't get fucking arrested. Yeah, he didn't get fucking. I don't know what happened. I have no fucking idea. I had the empty beer. There was beer all over the windshield all over me. Somehow we got out of it. He didn't get he didn't get busted. I remember my dad picked me up. And at that point, I was smart enough

to shut the fuck up and he picked me up. Dude, I mean, I'm like swaying in the wind. The car smashed and I get in the car just covered in beer. And he's just like, uh, are you doing you're right? I was just like, Yeah, yeah, good. I'm good. I didn't say shit. I think he wasn't mad at me because I wasn't driving and we just fucking drove home. But yeah. But that was the 80s, everybody. That's that's what happened. Yeah, that's right. And dads are so cool about that stuff in general. It's like, Oh, it wasn't it wasn't my car. It wasn't like, Yeah, shit happens. Like who like what dad hasn't been the passenger in a drunk driving incident? No, my dad, my dad was in the Navy and he was in a frat. So he has and he did that shit in the 60s. So I remember when I finally got busted

for drinking and driving. My dad was totally cool. My mother was upset and that that was their dynamic like little shit. My dad flipped out like, but big shit, you got arrested for drinking and driving. He was just like, you're all right. All right, cool. We'll fucking blah, blah, blah. My mother was the opposite. She let the little shit go and then the big stuff. I just remember to do it out on my dad woke me up, like they bailed me out of fucking jail. And take I'm still fucking hammered. They fucking takes me home by the time I get home. It's like fucking maybe like four in the morning. I go to sleep. My dad wakes me up at seven in the morning. All right, three fucking hours later, I am like still just ham I'm still going up. Yeah,

that's how drunk I was. And he goes, I think you should go downstairs and tell your mother what you did, you know, that old school shit. So I fucking stumbled downstairs. Mother already knows hammered out of my mind and like, I got arrested for drinking and driving. And she had this fucking look of pain on her face. It was brutal. It was fucking brutal. Then I went back upstairs and I probably slept to like two. And I only got 45 days though. 45 days is all you got back then. Now it's like fucking 90 days or like six months. We're not making light of this, by the way, people we realize this is a serious crime. But oh yeah, please take a cab. I mean, and that's what gets me about when these athletes like there's nothing I love better than being driven around.

I mean, like me and now magical actually have a thing like we went to where we have a race in our careers. And obviously he's way ahead. The first one to a driver on the daily show and one of the founders of this company, the podcast company, the record company that the CD salute is coming out on. Yeah, please, by the way, everybody go on Amazon down. Can they download it anywhere? Yeah, they can download it from Amazon, I believe, and buy it from Amazon. It's on everything but iTunes literally everything but I went and when Joe says these are his classic jokes, like the first time I worked with you met you was in the punchline in San Francisco. Molly had booked you and she goes, you know, I think you're gonna like this guy do within five

minutes. I was like, not only do I love his mature, I fucking love this guy. You would like every one of your jokes, especially in San Francisco, how liberal it is would totally be offensive and you'd feel the crowd pull back and then you would just keep tagging the punchline with even more offensive shit and they just had to just give in like this guy just doesn't give a fuck. It was I just remember that when you did about the chick sucking dick for something. What the hell was that one? You would run from the side of the stage going, Oh, that's sucking a dick. The difference between LA and San Francisco. That's my differences. I just remember it was so loud and it was so fucking graphic. And everybody was just like

pulling back and you just kept doing it running from side to side miming sucking a dick to get your fucking career going. And it was just it was so fucking over the top. It was it was awesome, man. It was awesome. So I really hope that people are going to do the right thing. And you know something like and speaking of doing the right thing, dude, we me and some of my friends we put together a benefit for the late great Patrice O'Neill in New York City. Tickets went on sale on Thursday. I know a lot of my podcast listeners are gonna give me shit for not announcing it on Monday. But there's a reason why I waited till Thursday Thursday was the one year anniversary of Patrice's death. And I just feel like the stuff that open Anthony did for him like they

just had like this just hours and hours of stuff for Patrice. Oh, and the show is ridiculously amazing. What's that the benefit show? Oh, the show that we're doing. Oh, yeah, yeah, that show could be held in the Astrodome. Yeah, it's that good. I mean, it's really it's so it's sold out. It's sold out in 24 hours. And you know, I was able to tell Patrice's mom and it's the happiest I've heard it since all this whole fucking awful scenario started. So I want to thank everybody, ONA fans and everybody who saw it on Twitter who went and bought tickets. You really fucking did a great thing by buying those tickets and it's going to be a fucking awesome show. So anyways, I don't know where the fuck to go with that. So do another solid here.

I know I didn't bring it up about the O'Neill ticket. So if you want to fucking do a solid, Joey B salute from the All Things Comedy Network, do an hour and seven. This has been fucking effortless. You've been a great fucking guest. Thank you. We had so much fun. We have like hours. I forgot I was holding the microphone actually. It's like we're so used to a bullshitting. Well, let's talk fucking Rose Bowl. What what do you think Stanford, Wisconsin? I was working with Nate Craig last night. One of the guys you played hockey with, he's open out there. He was he was saying Wisconsin stinks. He's like we stink. Well, they won like 1000. I mean, you know, honestly about the Rose Bowl, the least the most the thing I hate the thing I like the least about

the Rose Bowl is the game. It's like a drag. Oh, there's gonna be a game. Oh, you know, I mean, it's like, you have so much fun in the parking lot. I'm telling you, it's the best. And it's the parking lot. By the way, people is a fucking golf course. You owe it to yourself at some point in your life. If you've ever wanted to go to the Rose Bowl, I'm telling you the tailgate is better and do it up. Bring somebody who knows how to cook, bring a bunch of booze. And you just sit in there. It dude, it's it's the greatest fucking way ever to start the year. All those years of doing stand up and going on stage where they gave the noise makers out to the crowd before you go up and absolute hell. And then like the fucking clock strikes, whatever. And you got to do the

countdown. Okay, you fucking animals, 10, nine, all those years of doing that shit. And just I don't even know how the fuck we ended up talking about it. We just bought it. That's the greatest fucking we went to that. We went to that amazing Tennessee UCLA game when Tennessee was up like 20 to nothing. And we're like, we could leave it half time. This game's over. We stayed UCLA made the comeback. And we're like, we're going to go to the Rose Bowl. This place is amazing. Right. And then we had the ultimate experience the first year, second year we brought along Jason Law, Jason Law had showed up. And if you don't know Jason Law had unfortunately, he's not the trademark batting stance guy. He got he like it's like someone stole the formula and he got screwed out

of it. But lawhead can do the big red machine batting stances. Reggie Jackson, he won't let me post the Reggie Jackson, as he said, he was out of shape when he did it. Oh, he did his that Reggie Jackson thing. He does this Reggie Jackson. He goes, when do you want to see him? Do you want to see him when he's younger or when he's older? He does the hall. He does the home run he hit me fucking all star game. Dude, when he stands up there, right, I'm standing up now for people listening here, obviously, he fucking when he does that thing where he brings the bat up and then fucking adjust the glasses. Dude, the second he did that, I was like, it's fucking Reggie. The fact he can do the whole big red machine. But to me, my favorite is Pete Rose is when he

when he beat Ty Cobb, he does he does him rounding first base, the clap, the handshake. It's the anyway, he showed up all the way to crying on his son's shoulder. Yes, he does he does the whole awkwardness at first base. And how great is it when he does like I'm like him and he does like Pete Rose's stance where he's sitting there crouching down and he literally does what about when he did he did Willie McGee, he had his dying laugh and do a Willie McGee. And when he does this swing, we're on the fucking ground laughing. And then his classic quote, he goes, he loved the high fastball didn't he? I don't know, did he? It looked just like him. So so he joined the crew, then we have Andrew joined the queue. Now this is the fifth year anniversary. This is it. Yeah,

this is the fifth year anniversary. So what do you think you think Stanford's just going to come in and pound him? I think Stanford has a better team. But you never know, they take like a month off. It's like, it's like when you don't go on stage for a month, you never really know, even though you know your jokes, you don't really Stanford Stanford should burn those uniforms they played in last week, that flat black helmet that was just fucking Oh, the black on black. Was that was that designed by Jay Z? It was terrible. Because if Jay Z did it, it would have been the shit. Have you seen the fucking Barclays Center? You know, knowing that is his Celtics fan, we got 17 fucking banners. We just went down to

Home Depot bought a bunch of cinder blocks and built a fucking square. Dude, Barclays Center, the hardwood floor is supposed to be like a brownstone in Brooklyn. If you have a nice one in your redo it, right? And the luxury boxes are like mini fucking brown. Yeah, I'm just kind of the night in the cities with two teams. I just kind of like, you know what, move somewhere else, give give. I don't get how you can be a lifelong Nick fan. Go through coming this close to winning the championship with Pat Riley the finger. And cook me. Yeah, the leise, me with the clever.