Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-18

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Bill rambles about being lonely in NYC, combat pilot H.W. Bush, and the cars of F is For Family.

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Oh, I hope you're doing better than I'm doing Jesus Christ, I'm in New York City right now I don't think I've ever been lonelier in my fucking life Good Lord, it's just like, you know I don't know anybody in this city anyway I used to fucking know everybody, I don't fucking know anybody Looking for a familiar face, it's crazy I'll tell you, this city, when you're 50 versus when you're 25

Is completely different, so if there's anybody in their 20s Living in New York, and I know you got a shitty fucking living situation Like most people, but that's your time, dude It's your city, so fucking enjoy it Jesus Christ First of all, it's December 3rd, and I'm like, oh, Christmas in New York is exciting You know, I love the holidays and shit, you know And I come here and it's fucking, it's colder in LA than it is in New York

You know, this whole new fucking post-Me Too-Error weather You know, I'm gonna blame the Me Too movement on global warming That's my next fucking brilliant move in my career So I went down, I did a set tonight at the cellar I did see Gary Goldman, I was like, oh my god Somebody I know, and I went up, I had a good time And then I left, and I'm walking in the rain by myself Thinking of, like, when I used to walk up that 6th Avenue

I used to walk up with fucking, you know Fucking Bobby Kelly and all of those guys way back in the day And I'm just fucking like, Jesus Christ, where the fuck did the time go? And then I was like, oh my god, now I'm getting depressed I can't do this, so I called my wife, you know, I FaceTime with my kid And that was all good, and then I got in a cab And I'm just like, I'm not gonna fucking I'm not gonna, you know, whatever

You know, you have like a fucking sad thought And then you fucking just cling to it It's like I'm not fucking doing that I'm gonna get myself in a better goddamn mood So I came home, I watched a little bit of football You know, I watched the end of the fucking Steelers and the Charges We got the Charges, the Steelers, the Shacks and more Anybody in Boston remember that?

MVP sports when they had the fucking employee do the commercial? Come on down to MVP sports, we got all the jerseys We got the Shacks, the Steelers, the Charges and more I watched that game And right as they go to show it off, shut it off It's that fucking, fucking infuriating slash depressing fucking commercial Where it's the dad with his daughter You know, she's getting older and he has his favorite fucking song

Which is the most depressing thing ever It's just a song of regret I wish that I knew what I knew then When I was younger What I know now, whatever the fuck I'm like fucking mentally dyslexic So I don't know how the exact thing fucking goes And then in the end, she fucking goes away, right?

So that's the whole song of fucking regret You know what I mean? Like, I'm looking back Jesus Christ, I wish I fucking, you know I don't need to hear that, that's the soundtrack Of my whole fucking walk home You know? And I'm sitting here and that stupid commercial comes on And as if that commercial isn't depressing enough

Especially on a Sunday night They should not be allowed to play that song On a fucking Sunday night And when someone's sitting there in their fucking loneliness I'm about ready to start another work week I wish that I knew what I knew then Now what? I wish I knew what I Wish that I knew what I know now

That's it When I was younger Whatever the fucking song is Then the end of the goddamn commercial Is the daughter's all grown up now The guy takes her to college, she's fucking heartbroken And then she goes into her dorm room And she's got one of those fucking things

You know, you know Hey, Cunty, play that song me and my dad like And it's sitting over in the corner Trying to just listen to her I don't like that I don't like how they fucking sit in there They're trying to make all of this shit Bugging your own house

Hanging out with a robot And taking a picture with it And those sprint commercials Making us all seem like Yeah, hey, this is all like a great, fun fucking time Or maybe I'm just lonely And I'm looking at through it Like, you know what to do

Is I'm not fucking drinking either And I swear to God If I was drinking right now I would go to a bar by myself And that's how you do it That's the most healthiest way I ever figured out How to combat loneliness on the road

Is to go out, drink alone, get shit-faced And then come home and pass out And then you don't come home sober To an empty room But I feel like when I'm podcasting I have all of you here with me I feel like for me, podcasting is like Giving a part of the world a hug

What do you guys do if I really legit I fell off a bike or something And that was the result of my head injury And I started talking like that And I started wearing, you know those fucking You know those fragile chicks Who wear those sweaters that go over their hands And they're always picking up

Like a cup of coffee Because they're always cold And they have to hold it with both hands Because they're fucking so weak But I became that person Well Bill, it's simple We would listen for a few weeks And then we'd be like

Alright this sucks now And then we wouldn't listen Hey what happened over in England With the London Derby Which I thought was like a fucking horse race This team that I'd never even heard of I guess was up 2-1 against Arsenal Arsenal, Arsenal

1-0 Arsenal, right They're fucking up on them And then they somehow ended up 2-1 Somehow they lost 4-2 Everybody was losing their fucking minds Pictures look incredible I wish I watched the game Having said that

Knowing nothing about the Premier League You know, if you just look at both their uniforms You know who you're putting the money on You know, one of them looks like a professional uniform The other, the people who lost That looked like a kid drew it Anyways So I just sat around all day

Fucking, I don't know what Watching football and shit I watched the Giants Very entertaining game Against some other team That I can't remember Because I'm fucking old What the hell were they playing?

It was fucking unbelievable I watched the whole game I don't, well I was also cleaning the fucking kitchen I don't know It was an exciting game Whatever they fucking played I will say this

That's Saquon Barthley It's good that they're telling him Not to run so wide open Because he's kind of doing A little Earl Campbell shit Where it's like You don't need to take that Much punishment on every play

Especially when you're on a bad team That would be a shame If they finally, you know Became good and then That guy was all banged up Fucking leaping over guys and shit It's amazing to watch, you know Then I watched the Patriots

For us the Vikings I was watching Who the fuck is that guy? Number 19 on the Vikings Phenomenal player I wish he played in our team But on that fourth and short Went Belichick through the challenge flag

Or whatever And he's talking to the refs And somehow that wide receiver Got involved You know what I mean? To the point You literally see fucking Bill Belichick

That guy, I gotta commend Number 19 on the Vikings He actually got an emotional response Out of Belichick Belichick's going, he goes Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up He said it twice

And you know what? I don't know what was said In defense at number 19 But you know Just sitting at home Yeah, shut the fuck up You weren't even in the play I can see if the running back

Said something You didn't touch the ball You barely blocked on the play What the fuck are you jumping in for? Anyways But the Chiefs won again So as much as the Patriots are winning The Patriots what they're doing

This year is amazing Cause we lost two of our top receivers We lost our left tackle We lost a running back And we lost one of our top cornerbacks So this is like a fucking You know, I feel like the last rebuild In the Brady Belichick era

Hopefully we'll get under the wire again But I do not feel good about playing The Chiefs again in Kansas City Come play off time But they are the fucking Chiefs So until they get over the fucking hump But I don't know We shall see

We should definitely see And I just watched the end Of the Chargers Steelers game The Chargers The quietest 9-3 in the NFL Nobody's talking about them You know what I mean Cause there's fucking

The Rams are doing so well Right? They're like Eddie Van Halen The Rams And Alex Van Halen Meanwhile is killing it Right behind them And nobody seems to be noticing

Except for Charger fans Right? With Alex Van Halen It's always seemed like Other drummers like Is it me or is this guy fucking unbelievable And in his own right Kind of on Eddie's level

Anybody else, you know Maybe he's a couple of fucking games behind Actually, you know something I was getting ready to do the podcast And I saw I went to NFL.com So I could see a couple of stats So I wouldn't sound even dumber than usual

And I saw there was five minutes left And the Steelers were down by seven I was like, all right Well, they got big Ben They're definitely coming back And you're not allowed to play defense in the NFL So why don't I watch this video game here Score to Steelers

Go right fucking down And bang bang boom They fucking score And you know You're not allowed to play defense And there's a good minute 50 left And then the fucking charges Are right down the fucking field

You know, it's not Are they gonna score Are they gonna get a touchdown or a field goal I've never seen a game end As far as like Offside three times in the defense I love that guy number 25 He's like, fuck you

I don't give a shit Keep calling a penalty I thought it was kind of brilliant That he just kept doing that Because he knew he had to make a play And then what if On that last one He jumped past the ball

What if he actually blocked it They called him offside again And then the next time He didn't jump offside And then the dude fucking misses it Then it makes sense I know I didn't explain that correctly But I think it makes sense

Whatever, I'm just a fucking lonely guy But tomorrow night I'll be at Gotham And I've got a bunch of my buddies down there So we'll be hanging out But Jesus Christ Jesus Alone, stone sober in New York City

Is not, you know That's not what Frank was singing about When he sang about New York, you know My kind of town New York City is Anyways Rest in peace 41st President of the United States

George Herbert Walker Bush You know, I was amazed At the amount of people that like fucking I wasn't amazed But I wanted to see it People being like, The guy's a war criminal, right? Somebody said that, right?

And then somebody else goes Show a little respect The guy's a veteran He was on the ground Fighting with the troops Or something like that It's like, you guys are both fucking morons He was a pilot

He wasn't on the ground I have something for you right now Okay, for all of you, you know And first of all, in a I don't even know what they're referring to Because he was a pilot in World War II So war crimes They talking about in Iraq and Kuwait

I mean, I don't know what's going on there I know Saddam was our draft pick And then he went fucking crazy Like a goddamn NFL wide receiver So we had to cut him, right? In a military way, I guess I don't understand how all of that shit works But I'll tell you something right now

Read this book called Flags Flags of Our Fathers Jesus Christ If you, you know Especially if you have a pilot's license I just remember how fucking scared I was The first time I had to solo Well, it was really the second one I had to do

The first one was like roundtrip It was like an hour And it was straight up and straight back I just followed this highway right up And I literally just did it with my instructor And came back I think it might even been a half an hour The second time, you had to put three hours

On the Hobbs meter Which is basically the odometer Of the fucking helicopter And that is honestly the most scared I've ever been in my fucking life And I was flying a helicopter on a sunny day And just to give you a bridged version I hope I picked the right book

At the same time I read this book also about Iwo Jima But I think Flags of Our Fathers was the book And they were basically They had this mission They interviewed George Herbert Walker Bush And he was talking about how he was like a 19 year old kid And how like you're young So you just have that thing that you just think

You're not going to die And he said you just would always think The other guy's going to get it It's not going to be me And just the fact that you know And he flew all these missions And these guys he'd be talking to He'd come back and then just they didn't make it

And you had to fucking block that out You know they said they're talking about Ice in a field go kicker Think about this shit The fucking 19 years old He's going through this shit right So anyways they have this mission They got to take out some sort of radio

You know control center of the Japanese on this island And the island shaped like an old school football state And like a horseshoe Like where Ohio State plays Before they closed it off And the crazy thing which didn't make sense to me Maybe it didn't make sense It was radio that would be down lower

But whatever the fuck the target they had to hit Was down low right at like If you basically picture if you're flying into the horseshoe Right so you're flying into the open end of the stadiums And you want to go bomb the people Right behind the fucking opposing touchdown End zone I should say And what was crazy was the Japanese anti-aircraft guns

Were actually you know the way the island was set up They were higher up than the altitude These guys had to fly in it So they were actually shooting down at them And anybody who's ever gotten into a fight At a football or baseball stadium You know if you're fighting a guy a row behind you How much more of an advantage that person has

Punching down Now imagine this person shooting a fucking A goddamn gun at a fucking airplane You know what I mean So they basically were flying in there Oh I skipped one part of it Where former president Bush was talking about How you would come back from a mission

You know and he said you were so fucking in shock That you got out of the plane Like you couldn't even talk And you remembered one time getting out of his plane After being shot at and shit And seeing other people getting shot out of the sky And making it back He got out and one of the higher ups on the

You know Admiral or whatever came up to him He said how you doing son And he said he opened his mouth And no sound came out And he said and then the guy goes Alright just go down to sickbay son you'll be fine And he said you'd go down to sickbay And they give you like two or three fingers

Of fucking whiskey And you do just do a shot And he said the funny thing was that it worked You know that's just like old fucking old school shit Oh you're just in a plane that people were shooting at And you're scared shitless Yeah go downstairs and go take a belt of whiskey And then tomorrow you can go do it again

You know I mean I don't know how the fuck they slept You know all I can compare it to Was just flying on a sunny day by myself And I just remember afterwards when I landed And not even after I rolled down Because you roll down from a hundred percent down to like Seventy-five percent just to you know You don't want to shut it off immediately

Because it fucks up the engine I just remember the greatest sound I ever heard in my life Was when I pulled the mixture in the engine shut off And I was just pulling you know the brake To slow down the main rotor And I just remember thinking like thank god I didn't kill myself right And that was just flying in sunny California

And so anyways so he goes into on this mission And they're taking ridiculous anti-aircraft fire Because it was a really important strategic location And he ends up getting hit And he was flying with two other people And he was losing control of it And he tells the guys in the back to bail out So when they bail out he has to hang on

And stay in the fucking thing So they have a chance So they fucking bail out And he's heading down towards the water And somehow he regains control of it Now the little I know about Avi I don't know how he did it I don't know if them

The weight of them jumping out He probably was easily a couple hundred pounds Three hundred pounds just left the back I don't know if that gave him enough And he was able to get over the island to the other side And then crash in the water over there And all the pilots were warned That the Japanese hated pilots

They thought that they were cowards I mean you gotta think you know Aviation where it was This was like a new thing I mean in World War II They had like the biplanes and shit But this new shit coming in And with the machine guns and bombing people

And all that They were considered fucking cowards So I'm not even gonna tell Read the book The shit that they do to the pilots Is fucking nuts Long story short He crash lands over there

He sees the Japanese boat coming out To pick him up He's in the water He's 19 He's fucking crying He's taking in you know Sea water and shit And he said like a fucking movie

As this thing's coming out Like a periscope comes up And American subsurfaces Takes out the Japanese boat And brings him onto the fucking boat And he survives His two buddies got caught And endured like ridiculous torture

Before they were killed And Bush ends the story saying There's not a day goes by I don't think about those guys Like what I could have possibly done A fucking something like that Right So now had I not read that fucking book

I would have been another idiot Weighing in On this fucking guy So I don't know what they're talking about When they say that shit All I know Is that's one of the craziest fucking stories You know

You guys heard me read advertising I'm not a big fucking reader But I was reading that book I was like Jesus fucking Christ I gotta be honest Had I read that book Before I got my pilot's license I don't know if I would have done it

Because I'm one of those guys I saw Jaws Not right when it came back They brought it back I remember they brought it back Because Jaws 2 was coming out And I want to say they brought it back And I saw it

And I have never been able to be comfortable With the ocean after that So I'm one of those fucking people You know Like I'll freak myself out My mind fucks with me in a pool And I love swimming But there is time

Especially out in LA Where they got all these fucking critters And reptiles and shit That I'm not fucking used to And I always think like What if some fucking rattlesnake Just came in you know And it's freaking out

Because you know It's trying to get from once You know it fell in And it's trying to get to the other It's already you know Dangerous as fuck It's not going to be in a good mood You know

It sees me come You know Fucking swimming like an old man Coming at it And it doesn't want to die Like it's going to bite me Right in the top of my fucking Charlie Brown head Anyways

So I did you know Something one thing I did Get out of all of that Because I don't follow politics and shit The one thing that they were Complimenting them on The fact that when they brought down

The Berlin Wall That he was smart enough Not to rub it in people's The Russian spaces or whatever You know what I mean Because we easily could Have lost the whole thing Who knows

You know there was two big boys Going at it Two heavyweights Especially now With the internet And it's all like Fuck it Maybe next time

I literally watched I fucking pulled up a video Right I was trying to poach salmon tonight Right I don't mean steal it And How to poach salmon

In the name of the video Is you're doing it all wrong And it's just like Why the fuck would you Come at it that way You know Just be like Hey this is how I make salmon

Some people do it this way I feel like if you do it this way That you know this happens It's just like Everything has to be like Hey maybe next time Don't put the fucking Dill on until you fucking

Whatever It's like Jesus There's even hostility In fucking cooking videos Like I remember this Freckled cunt Showed me how to make a pie crust One time

I just realized What a hypocrite I was being Anyways Guess what Guess who has a new podcast Everybody The great Conan O'Brien He has a new podcast

And he was nice enough To ask me to be a guest on it And you can listen to it today I'm gonna be on it And you're probably like Well Jesus Christ Bill where the hell is it I don't have the information

In front of me Wait a minute Hang on Now I have to go find it Hold on a second God damn it Bill How many fucking times Conan O'Brien

I mean you could do this too Right O'Brien Podcast Conan needs a friend Podcast On earwolf.com Jesus Christ I'm promoting a different

Podcast network Anyways I'll be on that I had a great time On his podcast And obviously He's one of One of my

Most favorite people In this business Like I've always said One of my favorite things Ever is somebody Who's super smart And they're silly And that's why

I've always loved him and Andy Because they're both obviously Really smart people And they're silly as hell And I had a great time On his podcast So please listen to it It's actually really cool

Because I learned more About Conan than I ever knew Just shooting the shit With them in that hour So if you're into Conan O'Brien Like you should be Check it out There we go

Also It's the first of the month The beginning of the month So my Patreon page Patreon.com We got a bunch of New behind the scenes stuff That we put up there

We got Bill Burr Three arenas And it's backstage From all the arena shows I did in 2018 Me getting ready to go on stage Me coming off stage Me jamming

With Conan O'Brien At the forum Dean Del Ray Michael Devin And a bunch of other people That's what I do before I do those shows I always get together

With some friends Play some music in the empty arena So I'm not too freaked out When I go out there later Two new episodes Of Uninformed With the Teen Idol sensation From the Opian Anthony program

Mr. Joe DeRosa And we also have I did a live podcast At Stand Up Live In Phoenix, Arizona We have the whole show up there So there you go You get all of that

For five bucks And I swear to God At some point I'm just going to start Also making random videos For that I've just been I've just been really busy

But anyways Check it out if you would like All right Okay Now how long have I done here 25 minutes I think it's time to read A little bit of advertising here

Did I even upload the advertising Onto here? I probably didn't Oh, Bill I mean, how long do you Have to do a podcast Before you're a little bit More of a pro

And you're just A little bit more prepared All right Here we go Oh my God Kona needs a friend That just made me depressed And then that

I wish that I knew what I knew now When we're younger That's depressing me I gotta get out of this You know? Oh my God Should I go fat person on this?

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Lead singer of Did I say poison? I mean poison Of fucking the Scorpions We all know Brett Michaels I mean, that's a nice fucking Straight-head American name there Klaus Mein?

All right, here we go Klaus He had to become a rock singer How the fuck did he get married? How did he get fucking laid With a fucking name? I've been married so long Fucking

I just went to that All right, wait a second Rock you like a hurricane lyrics All right It's early morning The sun comes out Oh, the other reverse snare Whoosh

Late at night Well, it's shaking And pretty loud My cat is purring It scratches my skin So what is wrong with another sin? The bitch is hungry She needs to tell

So give her inches And feed her well Oh, Jesus More days to come New places to go I've got to leave It's time for a show Here I am

Rock you like a hurricane Here I am Rock you like a hurricane They don't even know Oh, he says, are you ready, baby? He says more than that Here I am Rock you like a hurricane

Are you fucking ready, baby? He's got to say fucking in there He said something else All right, let's get back to the read Sorry All right No, that's not where they are They're over here

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The fucking reads are over Imagine I get a little blowback for that fucking tipsy elves one So please buy some of those ugly sweaters, okay For fuck's sakes Whatever, I'm lonely, you know What are you gonna do sometimes The copy comes out a different way I'll tell you right now, I can't believe the amount of fucking people

You know That walk around in New York with their nose and their phone Especially when you're waiting for a subway Jesus Christ, like back in the day You know, it's I mean, push people, push people in front of those fucking trains New Yorkers, can you please get You know, what do they have

That situational awareness Good Lord, they just fucking Trains coming in They're leaning against the post just staring at their fucking phone Anyways LA Chargers, quite as 93 I already talked about that What else, Seth Meyers, I'm doing that on Tuesday

I'm doing the gym and Sam's show Um Today, Monday, when you're hearing this And uh Yeah, I gotta buy a shirt for that too Yo, this is the weirdest thing You can wear the same fucking pants Every time you ever do fucking

Um A talk show But you always have to have a new Shirt You know, that's why George Another way George Carlin was A fucking genius, because he always wore The black and black, you know

The black sweater with the black But that was just his fucking look This is what I'm wearing, you don't have to think You know, going Einstein with it, so then he just shows up And it's just like, oh, people just getting the benefit of the doubt It's probably a new black sweater Yours fucked up, Mike The time on my laptop

Is uh, LA time So I'm thinking, why am I this tired at 916 And then I just looked at the fucking TV And it's 1217 Oh, Jesus I gotta be up early tomorrow Um, all right, let's read some of these Questions here for this week

Uh, fantastic cars And uh, oh, second shows Will be added this week to the European Tour, I'm not sure what Day yet, just check on twitter And billbird.com for dates I can't believe, you know, all these Places I've never been to before, all these people

Showing up, um It's one of the reasons why I'm not drinking Right now, it's because I want to be in great shape When I get over there And give you guys your money worth, all right I'm not flying halfway across the fucking globe To have a mediocre set Um, halfway across the country, yeah, I'll drink

You know, I'll be a little under the weather All right, but you know, I feel like When I go overseas I am an ambassador For shit and dick jokes from my country Uh, fantastic cars in Efforts for family Oh, by the way, getting back to that

Criticism of George Herbert Walker Bush and stuff, if you see like Um, just read that Book And I think sometimes, you know, people Tend to, you know Just see the evil on one side Where there's just like

If you're overly patriotic, you only see Your enemies evil And if you're overly fucking like liberal You only see your own country's evil And it's, you know I think the theme of this is depressing Because I read that book and it's just like I just cannot fucking believe human beings

Could do that to other human beings And I know we're guilty of it I know everybody else is guilty of it It's just like, it always goes back To that fucking thing I saw on the Discovery Channel That time that monkey could have just killed The other monkey and it didn't It was a smaller monkey and this one

They first realized that chimpanzees ate other monkeys And he just was fucking keeping The other monkey alive And it was getting off on the things pain And I ever since that Every fucking time I see Something on fucking TV About human beings doing something

Horrible to other human beings For some reason that plays in my head And I'm like, we're just fucking hairless monkeys Which is something Rogan might have said or something I don't know, I'm fucking tired Anyways Not that clip, he might have used that reference But anyways, fantastic cars

And efforts for family Hi Bill, I've just attended My 50th car show this year Wow That's more than one a week I don't think I've ever been to a car show I've gone, I used to go to the car shows Showing the latest, you know

The brand new cars I used to go to that car show But I would like to go to the I'd like to go to a vintage one Anyways, I've just attended my 50th car show this year So I'm starting to get pretty good At identifying makes and models of cars From all around the world

I post all my photos On my public facebook page Classic and modern ShowcarsAU I gotta check that out I'm enjoying the third Season of efforts for family Thank you very much

And I am struck by what By the way that all of the cars Have been lovingly drawn In such painstakingly detail That it's possible for a car Fanatic like me to identify Every single car on the show My question is, whose artistic vision

Was it to make such A conscious effort to depict all of the cars So realistically Not just the ones in the center Of the action, but all of the cars In the background as well I know that you're a car guy So I wonder if you had any influence

Of the production Thanks and love to you and Nia And the kiddo Yeah, that was an important thing With everybody, certainly people Who were into cars on the show Because back then also Cars really looked unique

Back then and they Had a lot more personality to them Just because I guess I learned when I did Seinfeld's Comedians and Cars it was basically Regulations, which is great because less people die Unless you're an environmentalist Then that's not a good thing

But less people fucking die But because of the parameters Of the safety regulations The area where The artists could create Became a lot smaller So stuff started looking more similar But back then, especially if you watch me TV

Like one of the big things back in the day Was You know The star of the show If he was a badass or whatever Like it was really like It was a big thing What fucking car he drove

What car Jack Lord drove On Hawaii 5.0 You know Like Jim Rockford On the Rockford Files He drove a Firebird It was like the top of the line Firebird But he didn't have a Trans Am

And I always heard that James Garnes said Jim Rockford wouldn't drive A Trans Am He'd have the money to get the really good one But not the great one And I used to always watch The Rockford Files When I was a kid and I didn't realize how much that guy Was struggling in his personal life

Literally living in a trailer on the fucking beach Never married And knowing that now And being old and all of that stuff And is It's like it's the perfect car So The reason why

And all the cars are loosely based On cars that were around back then One of my dream cars That I always wanted was a When I got older and I really got into cars Was a 65 Ford Galaxy And I always loved the Ford, the Wimbledon White

And if you could get that With that Ford blue interior And I mean That's just That's just a fucking man's car You know, I'm not into the muscle cars I like the muscle cars, I respect them I liked them when I was a kid

And I always feel like, you know, when you're a kid You know, you like the frosting better than the cake And when you get older, you're more into the cake Than the frosting Or maybe just so many I watched enough of those meekum And it's just like one Shelby, one Hemi after another I like those fucking cars

But At this point, if I was going to go like Sports cars and shit I just like ran, I really like Random weird shit And I always, you know I think I watched every fucking episode Online before Jay Leno had a show

Of that Jay's garage And one of my favorite cars That he had was that I think it was a Datsun 510 And It's a four door Like Basically, you know

Sports car that Datsun put out It's really boxy The lines of the car are fucking so cool And I remember One of my friends when I was a kid Had an 81 Toyota Tercel And it was to this day It was the smoothest shifting car

I mean, it wasn't fast, it was goofy It was front wheel drive and it sat up really high It was like an 81 or something like that An ugly car But I just remember shifting it It was a four speed When it went from one gear to another It was like butter

And it was this awful time Where American cars Had embraced What they did with the light bulb from day one Rather than, you know, they had the technology To make it last for a long time And they decided to not, you know Make it, you know, design

Obsolescence, whatever they call it We were doing that with cars That would shit the bed around 60,000 miles It was fucking brutal And the Japanese cars Were trying to establish themselves You know In America, you know

And so they They went the other route And were really focusing on quality And that fucking I'll never forget that I would love to drive one of those One of these days I also like a lot of small cars

You know I like those bigger cars But I always felt like If you drove like a big American car Like you had to be a big guy You know, kind of a guys guy Going to a bar and everybody kind of clears a path Or fucking respect you

You know, I just didn't feel like You know, it barely 5, 10 Like I was one of those guys So I always thought I looked better in a smaller car But I've also always been Like a truck guy and all that type of stuff So, having said that I'm one of those weird guys

Where I'm a Ford guy but I also love Chevy's And I don't know how you can be a truck guy Not like an F-150, F-250 And then look at a Silverado And not like that, or a Dodge Ram Especially back in the day Because I think all the trucks, the internationals

And then the random Dodge ones that you see Those are always cool because you don't see those a lot So anyways, each character You know, the car that Vic drives Um The car that Pogo drives That he's a, you know He's like a caddy guy

You know, Frank's a Ford guy Vic's got the, you know He's got the Corvette, we made it gold You know, like the color of Vic's hair And just, you know Because Vic is basically As far as It's kind of Frank looks at Vic

Like That's how my life could have been If I didn't get married, you know He knocked up his wife is basically what happened He was gonna marry her, so but he ended up having to get married Sooner than he wanted to So he had to put some dreams on hold So when he looks across

You know, right out his bay window He just sees this guy live in this life You know, and the funny thing is Is Frank wouldn't have lived that life Because Frank wasn't A Vic type of guy He wasn't a lady killer He was a fucking relationship guy

Because their fantasy Is that they could have been a lady killer Rather than just accepting their role You know what I mean? Like you're on a team and you, you know Accepting your fucking role Instead you want more minutes Instead of coming off the bench

Where if you come off the bench, the team wins But if you don't, you want more Who's that? Who's that? Coach Riley The disease and more So anyways, I'm fucking Yeah, when the kids There's a 65 in Paula

That Bolo and Lex have And I always love The round headlights on that thing And I always love, I mean, in Paula's late 60s In Paula's, mid to late 60s In Paula's, I love those things I know a lot of people like, especially The West Coast guys, the rappers and stuff

They like the early 60s ones, which I really like I like the one, what is it? The 61, the one that Lily had A jet on the side of it That's the one that I like And what are the ones? I don't know, so basically, yeah We try to make sure if there's a

Like a And the reason why This is a great question Because I haven't really thought about this The reason why Sue Frank's wife Drives the Ford Country Squire You know what the wood down the side Is

Because my best friend When I was a kid across the street His mom, who was cool as hell She had one And I was just thinking about the early 70s And that type of stuff, where my life was at There's a lot of real subtle stuff in there There's a guy

From last season, last name Linahan, that was the last name It's funny, in the show the guy was a jerk But on my paper It was a great house Like they were really cool people And they always tip me well And we just needed a name

And that was the first thing that I thought of So yeah, by the way If you guys keep watching the show Whatever questions you ask I'm not going to give away anything As far as story or anything like that But just as far as some of the details But we really, when we went to make the show

I never thought the 70s were sort of Accurately portrayed after the 70s However It always seemed to be more Of the way they did it on that 70s Show where it was like Making fun of the crazy clothes And the lava lamps

Which definitely was going on then But like If you look at like I love that movie Dazed and confused But the high school parking lot Is fucking ridiculous Those are high school kids and they were driving cars from the 70s

If I remember correctly And the reality is Most people like The average person I think with their car would be 3-4 years old And when I was younger A lot of them were a lot older Because people just I don't know

They weren't living the lifestyle people live now Or like something's considered old 3 years in You know a fucking 2 year lease Every 2 years I got a new fucking car So like in the early 70s There was a ton of cars left over from the 60s And they were only like 5 to

Whatever 15 years old 14 years old So you saw a bunch of those and then like Cars from the 50s those were considered really old Because also the style looked really different So occasionally we try to throw a car in for the 1950s Like if you looked at Sanford and Sun The truck they had

Which I believe was a 1950 Or 51 Ford F100 Where the radiator was out front Just totally exposed And there was no grill Or anything on it And that was to show that they didn't have any money That they were driving that thing

And now what's funny about that now Is if you saw that coming down the street You'd be like oh fuck all original Patina and all of that shit But back then It was just like no they're in a junkyard These guys aren't making a lot of money Alright that's one of the longest answers I ever gave

But I love my show And I love cars alright There's a really raffle prize Dear Billy Private Pants I know what that means Anyways The company I work at recently Had an outing where everyone from the company

Was invited At the outing there was a raffle that was set up Where you could win a prize And that's in quotes The prize was a small statue of yourself That you could get for free from a different company That was hired for this purpose I have to read that sentence again

The prize was a small statue of yourself That you could get for free From a different company That was hired for this purpose Okay They do this by scanning your entire body Oh my god Sending that data to their servers

3D printing your body As a 3 inch tall statue And they send the statue To your house Dude I swear to god I swear To fucking god If you ever bugged one of those

Bilderberg meetings They are planning a worldwide Thinning of the fucking herd Replacing you with a fucking robot Anyways So in total this company would receive The following information about you Your full name

Your email address Your phone number The company you work at Your home address And a 3D scan of your entire body It's nice to know there's another thinking Human being out there There were hundreds of people lined up for this prize

As I was standing there looking at people in that line They were all indistinguishable From cattle exactly What do you think about it You know what I actually think about He said what do you Would you stand on an hour long line For the chance to give away your soul

Thanks for all you the laughs I hope this message gets to you Dude He said sincerely None of your business Sincerely not your business Exactly you know what What if that's the test

What if the fact That you were smart enough Not to get in that line Was the test Well wait a minute Then the test would be well this guy's the problem I don't want to do what we say So maybe if you don't get in the line you get whacked

I don't know there's so many ways to look at it I have no idea But I just want to thank you On this lonely depressing night that I'm having here That you gave me hope that somebody else views stuff like that The way I do Anyways Female warriors

And the worst people when you bring that up The worst point people I mean it doesn't matter they're gonna fucking get it anyway Those people Mister Burr I'm a huge fan of your comedy And a bigger fan of F is for family The third season they had me rolling on the floor

Laughing so hard my sides were hurting I feel like you're setting them up Having said that I think you're a cunt Which is a compliment to your genius in comedy I am graduating December With my second degree in English literature The first being in history Oh look at you you smarty

I bet you know all the words there I'm writing you Not to show bias at all I'm just hoping to peak your interest In history a bit Oh boy To get to the point Throughout history females have indeed participated

In wars dating back To the stone age Some examples include Boudica a queen who led a barbarian Rebellion In Britain The first century AD After she and her daughters were tortured

Had their lands ceased By Roman forces Though she failed She in the end led over 50,000 Barbarians on a rampage Against Rome and killed possibly Two million citizens Sources vary but you get the picture

Joan of Arc needs no explanation Yeah it does I thought she was in a whale's mouth Wasn't she? Another example I think you would find interesting Is a woman from the USSR World War II A woman named Lydium

Lydium Moe Pavlychinko Pavlychinko Russians have a cool last name Pavlychinko Onto the blue line Pavlychinko She would tease cars She got shot in the jaw

And yet still killed the enemy sniper And walked away like it was nothing I just find it interesting that women can be quite deadly When the time calls for it I find it interesting I watch the first 48 What you take on women who took combative roles In history

Just hoping for funny yet enlightening responses And knowing you never failed Hope to see more of your work And looking forward to season 4 Um I don't know dude I am I am

Fascinated and have nothing but respect For anyone that fights in a fucking war But it It blows my fucking mind That you can get in trouble now for a joke But war is still legal War is still like an option To solve

A difference of opinion Between two nations That it's like alright Basically we're gonna kill more of your people Than you can kill of ours And then that means we're gonna be right Um You know

I mean having said that all those stories that you said Were amazing I love that you thought I was smart enough to know what Joan of Arc did I have no fucking idea Is she the sister of that guy who betrayed Jesus? Didn't she end up in a whale Whales mouth or something Isn't that like the female Pinocchio story or something

Joan of Arc Alright Joan of Arc Nicknamed the maid of Orleans Oh a saints fan Is considered a heroine of France For her role during the Lucastrian phase of the Hundred Years War

Was canonized as a Roman Catholic saint Oh they shot her ashes into the air She was born Dude I don't give a fuck What did she do? Alright on May 23rd She was Oh my god

You know why I don't know anything about this Because I hate this part of history I can never read the fucking names Charles the 7th In a recovery of France In the Hundred Years War King Charles the 7th Sent Joan

To the seas of Orleans As part of a relief mission She gained prominence after the seas Several additional swift victories Led to Charles 7th's Coronation at Realms Like what does that even mean And I have to look up coronation

This long awaited event She did something In a war Who was the one that ended up in the Didn't she get like crucified or something Captured trial Cross-dressing charge Execution

Jesus Christ Why did that just make me think of Bruce Jenner? A truce with England Trial There's a trial for heresy What is heresy? Saying bad shit about the king I was saying bad shit about Christianity

It always goes back to religion You know It's weird how religion affects people Some people make some stop drinking Other people make some go to an island And get shot with arrows It's very dangerous Like some people can handle alcohol

Other people can't I'll have to read up on her Is there a movie about it? I don't want to read What is my take on it? They say hell hath no fury Like a woman scorned I would hate to see women

Acting like men As far as Going to war and all that shit And them having to deal with the nightmares And suicidal thoughts and all of that shit It's just really It's just weird time right now Where it's like the support

Of the troops and all that is to the point that you can't Really like talk About How bad it is that these kids have to go over And do shit like that and then somehow Emotionally try to get fucking through it And then the striking Lack of

Support They get when they come back I don't know all of that shit's A lot of depressing shit here Alright father's will Somebody pull me out of the fucking Lagoon here Hey Billy Bulldog

After trouble convincing my 47 year old father to sort out His will in the event that he passes away For some unforeseen circumstances Well I got to be honest with you If I was only 47 years old and my kid was going Like hey dad you finished that will yet I think I'd start sleeping with one eye open

If such a tragedy were to occur Now his assets would automatically go To my so called step mother Oh now I see your motivation Who he has only been with for a few years Yeah man Yeah you can't do that As I'm sure you would agree

It would be unwise to give this much Trust to a woman who has nothing Stopping her from simply taking my father's Assets for his self and leaving me His only child empty handed Is there any piece of advice You could give my father Or I could

I to help persuade him to wisen up And get this will Sort it out As always many thanks for the great work You put in and go fuck yourself I got to tell you That's an uphill battle On two levels

One you're talking to a guy Asking him to deal with his own Mortality which men do not handle well And then also You know that's his chick You know it is With somebody that's hard for them To fucking see what you're talking about

So Jesus Christ I'm fucking tired I'm fucking bombing on these questions I don't know I would start playing Catch with your dad Alright Maybe while You can slip in the points you want to make

While doing a fun activity like that And just be like that You know I know you love her I'm not saying leave everything to me You know what How about this how about fuck all of that And you make your own money

You know what I mean I know what you're saying because it would be difficult To see some fucking broad who only banged your dad For two years get your house You know You haven't said she's an asshole though But The way to go

Is to make your own way in life That's the way to do it Just don't take over the family business Unless you fucking want to And who gives a shit dude Look if your dad's only 47 years old Even if he had you At like fucking

25 you're only 22 years old So I mean I don't think you gotta be eyeballing The fucking will at this point But I understand what you're saying But That's a weird one to bring up though That would definitely weird me out But if you're gonna do it that's what I would do

I would go fishing with them I'd play catch with them I would do something where we were doing a different activity But the bottom line is Trying to get a fucking man To go out and get a will done Is about as easy as trying to get a drunk to get sober It's like they have to want to go fucking do it

So I would use this as motivation For you to not to get yourself into a position That you don't give a shit That your dad passes other than the fact that you're sad That he's gone forget about you know You getting his fucking bowling bag And the house and shit

Alright boss's wife wants Wants to fuck me Do I really have to read this dude You know Don't do it Alright hey Billy badass I'm a big fan of the podcast Here's my question

I work in a grocery store in Brooklyn Heights I'm sorry I'm so tired I normally don't say where you're at I'm 21 years old and in college I work at the corner store for some extra cash My boss is a great guy and he really likes me Obviously I can't work for him every day Since I've got college and stuff

But he always wants me to be the supervisor Of the other guys who've been working there Much longer than me and work longer hours Here's the issue My boss's wife Is a fine looking lady of about 35 I'd say she's a nine and a half Even if she got 14 years on me

Is really into me At first I thought she was just being friendly But she's become a lot less subtle about it Hey chicks in their 30's they know what they want They don't beat around the bush there On days when she knows I'll be working She wears many many skirts

And sometimes a crop top She stared at my crotch All the time and laughs at my jokes I'm not a funny guy Jesus Christ She invited me up to their house last week When the boss was out of town I made some excuse

So I wouldn't have to go up there But I don't know what to do here You know what's funny This is a Classic example of sexual harassment That will never be fucking reported Because now She's abusing her position of power

Where it's like now if you don't Bang her Then she'll fucking maybe say something bad To her husband Maybe even say that you grabbed her ass God knows what the fuck she's gonna do She's smoking hot but she's a married woman Exactly

Not only that but my boss is a great guy Who's been really great to me I don't know what my options are Here are You know exactly what your options are If I tell my boss about his wife He's probably going to fire me And I really need this job

Don't fucking do that On the other hand if I don't tell him I'm probably going to end up giving it Giving into her I only have so much control Thanks to go fuck yourself This is what you need So

God Here's the thing Just don't fuck her That's it Rub one out before you go to work Give fucking 21 Rub it out twice And just fucking go to work

Put your head down and just I don't know That's it Too far down Go up a fucking skirt I would just High in buyer That's it

She'll quit after I imagine she will quit after a while Although if she's a nine and a half Okay That gets dangerous because You know hot women age As well as former athletes do Where it's just

One day they're the bell of the ball And then all of a sudden the cheering stops And nobody gives a shit anymore And then they kind of have to develop A fucking personality So by you not giving Into her Might trigger some fucked up shit with her

But here's the thing dude Under no circumstances can you fucking Bang this woman You can't do it So what I would do Is I would continue to fucking Rub one out twice before you Go to work if you're feeling weak

And then I would just I would be friendly to her and then that's it And just wait until It's like you're playing poker here Eventually As long as you're nice to her She can't get mad at you All she can do is get frustrated

And eventually She might get so frustrated that she just Gives up Or she puts her cards on the table When she puts her cards on the table You just say How much you like First of all she's married

And then just talk about how much You like her husband And how much you respect him and what a great guy he is You know And then this is the big thing Don't judge her either Okay Like how George Bush didn't

Rub it in the fucking noses of the Russians When they come down The big thing in something like that Is to give her A dignified out Not saying she deserves one I'm saying this for you If you give her a dignified out

Where she can feel she can walk away And not be embarrassed to say I'm totally Flattered if you weren't married I absolutely would not to mention I think your husband's a great guy And he's been great to me so I can't Okay Yeah

And I would just And then just Hopefully it fucking goes away But I do find it funny with all of this Abusive power and all of this shit You know And I don't think Your situation is fucking unique

It's just That nobody cares to hear it So I'm glad you put it on this podcast Because You know Good luck buddy That's a tough one Alright, that's the podcast

Go fuck yourselves Please listen to Jim and Sam today Or listen to the replay If you missed it Check me out on Seth Meyers tomorrow And you can also listen to me on Conan O'Brien Needs a friend podcast on Earwolf And

And by the way I think this is the last couple of days You can stream Paul Verzi special Dot com for free So uh Definitely check it out and Paul Broke all their streaming records I'm so proud of him and

He's got some dates coming up So check that out Check out his new hour It's fucking killer man Alright, that's it I'll check in on you on Thursday Oh yeah, that was a spaghetti bolognese With a lot of meat

Download the Maide Leise app and cook me Yeah, top!