Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-19

Episode Date: December 30, 2019

Bill rambles about the end of the decade, male lactation, and how to break up with someone.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 30th 2019, what's going on? How are ya? Oh My god, it's the fucking last Monday of the decade. I Don't I feel I don't know I think maybe because there's a million channels now There's a thousand fucking video games and all this shit to watch It used to be a bigger deal back in the day when like a decade was ending They would do the whole retrospective of what happened this decade the biggest movie is the top, you know fucking pop songs What went on internationally? We had so-and-so as president and then this person went in his you know came fucking

They did what do all of that shit and what to look forward to in the next next decade Applying refrigerated, you know, there was some stupid invention that was allegedly gonna make your life easier. It doesn't It doesn't none of it makes it easier makes it more expensive Then the short run it makes it easier, but in the long run it makes you have to work more hours It makes you retire with less and it makes you eat cat food Sitting above a fucking overpass when you're fucking 80 years old You know maybe camped out of the house you used to own and you're just looking at the house going you know what I

Owned that house for 40 years and I bought 37 flat-screen TVs. I should only I should have stuck with my square TV. Oh Bill You've been alone all day. Haven't you know believe it or not. I've had a big family day Doesn't take much doesn't take much for me to go over the fucking falls of Niagara Mentally, it doesn't take much. Well, why would you be so depressed? I don't know maybe because my team lost in a fucking Miami Dolphins Jesus Christ You know when I knew the Patriots were in trouble when Paul Versey told me that they were gonna win the Super Bowl in

Fucking week three. I know it. He came down like the fucking mush In the Bronxdale He actually said congratulations, that's how Unbelievable but you know, whatever let's look at it in a positive way we We're still in the playoffs We don't have to deal with having a week off and being all rusty I mean, you know, I don't think we have a bunch of old guys anymore. We lost somebody fucking guys to free agency It's a whole different team this year

So we're still in there, you know, and we only lost four games this year All right, three of which were to the Texans the chiefs and the Ravens Who are all in the playoffs playoffs? Miami Dolphins is the only team I believe that we lost to that we fucking That aren't gonna be in the playoffs so we get a chance to get revenge All right, and I know that Bill Belichick can come up with the fucking Game plan to beat any one of those teams and I know that Tom Brady can execute it And I know that Edelman can catch those fucking balls is the thing if the other fucking we need the other people

To step up not everybody, but I'm just saying this there's some new Components into the fucking who's him or what's there? It just need to fucking Elevate your goddamn game or it's not good. It's not gonna be good It's not it's not gonna be good. I am still you know, I'm right now. I'm actually recording this Sunday afternoon, it's almost half time in my pick to win the Super Bowl the Seattle Seahawks Are looking like they didn't even know this game was gonna happen today You know The 49ers whose defense has looked like absolute shit for the last fucking month

Letting up 30 points here 40 fucking points there I don't know what's going on now. They're looking like lights out but I Don't know it's still all right. I'm still I'm still picking sneaky Pete to fucking win the thing. I don't know why either that or the reds gonna be them in the Ravens That's that's what I think. I just don't think KC has the fucking defense. I Think Jackson's gonna fucking drive them up the goddamn wall. They're not their defense isn't gonna be good enough I just don't think that they're gonna come up with a game plan

To stop that fucking guy and that team and that defense the Ravens have a good defense. I don't know shit I got a kid. I this is as much as I've been able to pay attention All right, I Think all the fat people in Houston are probably very excited that their team has an 18th game of the year Giving them an excuse to go out and turn on the smoker once again And slather it with some barbecue sauce, you know And try to squeeze in one more heart attack before the end of the decade. I'm sure that's going on in Houston Okay, I'm sure the people of Baltimore are very excited. They are they are they are writing signs most of them misspelled

you know because of the lack of I don't know whatever I learned on the wire that They weren't taking care of their youth You know who else kind of shit on here Get around about your new way. Oh, then you got Kansas City Kansas City, you know, what are you gonna do? I mean, I don't know. I don't know They're just one of those franchises like they have the offense to do it. I don't think they have the defense All right, and there's my pick and then the Buffalo pills. I mean, I don't know why they're in it, you know

It's like, you know, I can't believe that There is a professional sports franchise in that town of like 1800 people. It's ridiculous. It's like, what is this to 1940s? Can the Buffalo bills, please move? To me even Rochester has more people than I think Buffalo. Nobody was I'm kidding. Good luck to all of you guys And then you got the Green Bay Packers you got Aaron Who knows it's kind of up for grabs this year

We shall see And the Saints You know, hey Jameson Winston They said the first quarterback ever to throw for 30 touchdowns in three and 30 interceptions 30 touchdowns 30 interceptions In a year. I gotta be honest with you. I think that's actually a fucking cool stat The man is not afraid to sling it You know, how many fucking interceptions did Brett Farve have? I can't believe it. You know, what did he do 40 and 41 year?

Gives a fuck You know He's playing for Tampa Bay. He's got to do what he's got to do. He's he's he's uh, he's a victim of the uh, the system over there I love when that happens. It was just like a fucking right before the half ends Seattle tackles They're running back in the 49ers. He's clearly on the ground. It's not a fumble, but you still got to pick the fucking thing up And fucking running all the way down to the end zone even though they blew the whistle to coaches That's one of the few things that NFL football players actually follow through one

Oh, by the way They showed this oh, that's Seattle's calling the time out Sneaky pink thinks it's a fumble. He's showing his gun Pete Carroll looks like a state senator. He's the most non coaching looking guy I've ever seen in my life He's already on the ground. It's not a fucking fumble. Let's go. Let's fucking move on here Now where exactly was his uh, the back of his jersey does it touch the the grass that isn't grass? Before the ball starts to move we have to go to new york and find out Do you guys watch the fucking college playoffs? I didn't do shit this weekend

All I did was fucking watch sports and hang out with my kid. I had a great time. I did some spots, too I wish I'm in the best time ever since I've been on the other side of that fucking test I've just been chilling You know not reading Not bettering myself as a human being Fighting off this fucking cold Hey, come on in the lovely Nia everybody Ever since we had a kid Nia your your your

Guest spots on this podcast have dropped off drastically Hey, somebody sent can I read this thing about that about the fucking impossible burger? Oh god, I know right because we were like going this is greatest thing ever My thing was how do they make it so fucking red? I know I know Yeah, it does look like it's bleeding and it's not meat. So why does it look like that? Yeah, so let's find this out if I typed in my password, right? Yes, I did Yeah, I think that's but I mean I make like lentil burgers and like

The way you make it red is you uh, you have beets in there But I mean that's also a part of the recipe, right? Just the beets. I don't think it's meant to be like Make it look like real meat like impossible is even though impassable Impassable no when when I the person said if you want to have it look like meat a little bit you can put beets in it Oh, okay All right. So here we go. Don't eat the impossible burger

All right Did you really have to ruin it person who's writing in to give us facts? I know ruining it. I know but they got to do it. Here we go. It says gluten morgan Uh, billy vitals, um Hey, unless you want You want lactating bitch tits don't that's offensive to me Why because I at one point had lactating bitch tits and there's nothing wrong with that and they fed you Whoever this is gluten morgan with some some german fucker. Yeah, but you as a guy, you know

Would you want me to lactate neah? I wouldn't you're not going to lack I don't care with where this letter is going. Okay. Don't eat that impossible whopper Oh, that's the impossible whopper. I'm talking about I get the shit at the store anyway That soy burger has 44 milligrams of estrogen according to a study It seems like an extraordinary claim, but this study was performed by a reputable lab And got consistently Respectable results repeatable. Oh repeatable. Sorry my eyes are going not only is that 44 milligrams of estrogen

uh Asturus 18 million times higher than a normal whopper which contains 2.5 it also It is also full of ladle. I'm a little lowland the shit that makes it red Well, I'm not eating the fucking impossible whopper They're just talking about the meat though Listen, no, no, they're talking about them. But listen produced by splicing bacterial genes into a strain of yeast Making it a gmo product. Yeah, it's not organic by any means the makers of the impossible burger claim it has 25 grams of protein

Which isn't technically a lie what they do fail to mention However, is that it lacks any of the nine essential amino acids Meaning you barely get any of the nutrition a complete protein has the doctor who ran the study notes four of these a day is enough To grow tits on a man and cause lactation to boot You're not going to have lactation unless you're growing a child inside of you. That doesn't make any fucking sense Why would you lactate and you don't even have a that's what it's for Your body knows that you're growing a baby and so it's providing milk for the baby You're not going to be lactating because you ate the impossible burger. Can I ask you a question? Are you a doctor?

No, but i'm a woman who's had a child and I have common fucking sense. Why do people lactate bill? Why do you like you like that? Uh, are you that mother that tells it like it is? I am Why do animals lactate? Why to feed their babies? You're not going to be lactating. You might grow boobies All right, i'm just playing devil's advocate. Please don't do animals eat the impossible whopper No What if they ate four in one day? No one's going to eat four in one day like what if it's a hungry male wolf and he eats four in a day Is he going to go? Oh, oh, oh

And the fucking have milk coming out of its non-existent tits We know that the impossible burger is junk food Okay, but this idea that you're going to start lactating as a man doesn't make any fucking sense You're not growing a child. You're not going to lactate. I'll tell you who's going to find out not america Because we'll fucking down four of anything that you got in one fucking day to break it down a regular whopper has 2.5 nanograms of estrogen the impossible whopper has 44 milligrams of estrogen female birth control has 0.05 milligrams of estrogen aside from the obvious feminizing effects

That much estrogen has on a male And also it's also carcinogenic soy and other estrogens are linked to testicular and prostate cancer in men and breast cancer in women There's a link always of the podcast and don't give up on the polar bears Okay, if i'm not saying like The yes the you don't know what you're talking about. Please keep talking the impossible meat is is uh junk food But you're not going to start lactating. That's ridiculous. That's a ridiculous claim ridiculous Can I ask you a question that he's what he's suggesting?

Is like I didn't think I had the plumbing for that You don't like I thought like my you know like in a in a kitchen where there's a false drawer Like I thought that's what male nipples were like Like like there's no milk behind that counter. It's never gonna happen. It's never gonna happen. How do you why? You don't have any white lab coats. What do you know and this fucking guy does Well, he's keep throughout you throughout this weird fucking sexist language. No, I'm not into it Can you fucking ladies get over yourselves? No It's about you and not testicular cancer

I am offended. I'm so glad you didn't say this in november when I had a mustache I don't want you to get testicular cancer too much estrogen is bad for everybody including women So but you're not gonna start lactating. That's absurd. I don't understand how you turn this into A male female argument. This guy is arguing for humanity fucking thing. I've ever heard and it's just like a dumb fucking stupid Male to the dude you gotta fucking have so much estrogen You're gonna grow bitch tits and fucking start lactating dude Like you don't want that the feminization with the impossible burger like you shut the fuck up. Okay. He didn't say that Yeah, he did. No, you he didn't basically

Basically because I read it in a bro voice being silly But like this idea that you're gonna lactate eating that like stop it already But yes, you are correct. The impossible burger is junk food. Everybody knows that All right, it's not it's not good for you. Dr. James Stangle, all right. I'm leaving now. What do you mean you're leaving after you just fucking because I'm cooking dinner And I got to get back to it. Oh good get back to the kitchen where you belong What do you mean this thing this little hobby this little I don't know I was gonna do part of it now and just fucking I'm trying to knock it out because I know tomorrow morning

I gotta watch the kiddo. All right. Well dinner's gonna be ready What are you making? What you're gonna eat You bumped you hadn't fell down You did Go rub some dirt on it. You're good All right, I love when she says I'm okay. I'm fine Hey, we're not having impossible meat. Are we?

All right, I bought some real beef there Yeah, well, what would that do to our daughter? I'll follow it be you know I think this is a showtime series a guy eats too many burgers. He starts lactating. I'll be the same asshole Unbelievable See what happens, sir when you try to make a point to a woman and you in the first sentence you say bitch tits She couldn't hear your message. All right, it's for the rest of you still listening Um, all right stangle impossible burgers are made of what? All right, the impossible whopper now to be fair to all the other impossible things out there

Hey, did they call it impossible so you can't sue them? So when there's fucking milk coming out of your titties They're like, well, we said it was impossible The fuck do you want from us? What were we supposed to call it the fucking lactating bitch tit burger? um All right, the impossible whopper is being advertised by burger king as a plant-based alternative to the whopper When food manufacturers started talking about making artificial meat I too thought it would be impossible to make a hamburger cheaply enough to make it competitive You see I assumed that they would have to buy

The individual amino acids the building blocks for protein and chemically string them together in the proper order then remove the regents reagents Regan gents. I don't know what that is chemicals needed to cause the chain reaction And then add something to give it the right texture. The reality is people just eat the right natural foods All right, my I'm talking to myself too, you know, just go get some fucking green veggies that you know Maybe weren't cross-pollinated with something else, which is very hard to do

You know Why why do politicians make so such little money? Why is that? It's so fucking cunts who make shit like this Can get it on the market for free And all those fucking assholes you saw the obamas they bought like some zillion dollar house You know the clintons are always buying shit the bushes are buying up half a fucking south america, you know, they were public servants Where's all that money come all they give speeches to the impossible burger people all right The impossible whopper made by impossible foods

Bypassed all of those steps the ones that I was just Mentioned yeah, let's compare the two the impossible whopper patty is made from 24 ingredients. The most important ingredient is soy protein The whopper patty has just one ingredient. Uh, that would be beef That's pretty respectable for burger king. I mean back in the day. I mean, you didn't know what the fuck it was Remember mcdonald's came out. They were there's like, you know, we got a new burger now with 100 percent real beef And the obvious question was what the fuck was it before? Uh, the impossible whopper has 630 calories most from the added oils the whopper has

660 calories So about five percent less calories. This is not a huge improvement Jesus christ the fucking whopper is taking a fucking beating in this the impossible whopper. I should say the impossible whopper has 25 grams of protein The whopper has 28 grams seems pretty equal only 11 percent less protein in the impossible whopper However, not all proteins are created equal There are 20 amino acids nine of which are essential meaning your body cannot make them So they are required in the diet Each of those essential amino acids must meet a certain level. You want to read the rest of this everybody?

I'm kind of interested. Well, I wasn't I had no intention All right, this person writes back wrong Please read this blog from impossible foods about why the impossible burger uses soy Well, why would you listen to the person on fucking trial? I want to I'd rather listen to a doctor I mean possible foods they they got a dog in this fight that fucking doctor unless they were hired by the people that make the big mac you know This is going to be i'm calling this right now. This is going to be an oscar winning movie someday Right when half the male population has fucking milk coming out of their titties

And burger king finally admits. All right We knew right Now they've depended on one fucking pimpled kid on the fryer later He'd take the fall. He'd be the ollie north of the fucking burger king It's all the same. It's all the same fucking game okay, and the game is Press record and talk for an hour. That's what the game is on this podcast I don't know what game you guys showed up to watch but that right there is what the fuck is going on

All right, well guess what guess we went to the farmers market today and got some beats and all of that shit now before any you fucking cunts Okay, wake up on the wrong side of the haystack and then gotta start fucking sending me emails telling me that a lot of the fucking food At the farmers market is also not healthy because these corporate run farms have figured out a way how to sneak their food in there I realize that all right I'm doing the best I can't you know, it's hilarious. We went to this farmers market, right? And my lovely wife neah who I gotta tell you right now, you know, you go through ups and downs in your marriage

I don't think I've ever loved him more We just had the best holidays. She's she's fucking awesome Having said that see that I established credibility. I said a bunch of wonderful things about my wife. So now i'm gonna trash her All right, i'm not saying she's dumb. She's just not smart No kidding. So we're gonna go to the farmers market And you know, you know how people are it's fucking monkey see monkey do So we're going down there and and I go all right. Well, let's bring the stroller My daughter's too big for a stroller at this point

But like the stroller we can use it underneath part to put all the you know the vegetables and shit that we get That are allegedly organic and you know where the celery was allowed to walk around before they picked it Whatever the fuck they talk about down there with their fucking bargain stocks So I go, why don't we just bring you know bring the big stroller, right and she's just like, you know She goes, okay, and she's like, why don't we get one of those like wagon things Why don't we want those wagon things that we always see everybody down there? They put their kids in them and they're they're collapsible and they're photoball I'm like because we don't need it. We don't need it. We have a fucking stroller

You know see I make it a good point, but then I say fuck and I ruin it I go we got a fucking stroller. We can just stick the thing underneath it And she's just like no it just seems like easier I'm like we haven't been in the farmers market since before I went to new york to do that movie that was like in may That's not true. Is it? Yes, it's true. We don't need it. We don't need it because then it's just going to be this fucking thing That's just sitting in the garage I don't know if you guys know anything about me, but I I'm not into clutter All right

I'm not into clutter. I'm not into women with ideas. There's a lot of things. I'm Fuck it with you. Um This is what I notice when I go over people's houses All right The fucking clutter the problem areas. All right the laundry room Okay, you have dirty and clean clothes Just down there. You don't know what's going on, right? Who's in the holding cell? Who's down here to bail them out? You don't know who's a good guy. Who's a bad guy? What? They're just just a fucking

shit show You do your laundry you fucking fold it and you put it away You finish the job You freak wait You go to Baghdad you take them out You finish the jump kidding Oh There's that then there's like

Um behind doors that's another place people like to my wife likes to just stick shit behind doors And I take it out and I just put it on her side of the room. She goes. What are you doing? I go, I you know What am I doing? What are you doing? Why is that there? Why don't you put it in the closet because there's no more room? Well, then guess what you got too much shit Stop buying shit What what do we need? We got clothes. We got a fucking house that we need to pay off for fuck sakes All we need is food go out and buy food Stop buying all this other fucking shit and then garage is the last area

I fucking hate a garage that you can't put a car in that's what the fuck it's for it's not to fucking House all of the shit that you didn't need in the first place, but now you have an emotional connection to And you can't let go of it. So then you just fucking stick it out there It's a fucking shit show um So that's what now that's what I do. I just fucking You know my wife. Oh my god, I love this chair. Was she got another one for another for the other room? No, no We have it. You want to fucking be on this chair sit in the chair in this room

It's a fucking chair. It's not speakers. What do you need two for? sorry Whatever we all have our fucking role in a relationship and that's my role My role is to make sure in the imma tell you something right now Guys, especially stay on your fucking woman about buying shit because you know what they'll do They'll fucking buy so much fucking shit. They'll start going. We need more space. We need a bigger fucking house Then you got to buy a bigger house. You have not increased the amount of people in the fucking house You just bought too much shit and then you don't even want to cause a space fucking get rid of it

You know what the fuck I got I got a fucking zillion of those goddamn You know those bags because you're not supposed to have plastic bags or brown bags anymore You know, I we got we have like fucking 40 million of them You know, so you know what I'm gonna fucking do I'm gonna just fucking throw 10 in her car five in mine And then I'm taking all the rest of them and I'm going down to fucking skid row Where all those homeless people got all the plastic bags and shit. They always need bags They need they need bags. I'm just gonna fucking give them to them

That's it free up that fucking cupboard That's my shit All right, I am not living in that fucking house with that chair with all this shit on top of it You can't fucking sit down. You can't put your car in the fucking garage I'm also not gonna keep buying shit and then dumping it off down at the fucking Goodwill either. I'm not doing that shit either. I'm just gonna fucking I'm done with shit I don't need any more shit. Okay until I have holes in my fucking socks Like you should see the fucking socks that underwear I'm finally replacing

I've had these things since before like Obama was elected I know I have with the socks I have socks that I had when I was still in my 30s. I'm gonna be 51 next year You know, they I don't know they just they're fine. They're faded but they they don't have holes in them I can't kill them So anyway, whatever that's just my fucking philosophy. But anyway, I uh I told you I'm recording this here on sunday And I am celebrating 400 days of no booze

Unless you count the shots on nightquill I did the other night when I had a fucking cold But I mean, you can't taste the booze It's not a funny to have a party had on, you know, I had the sniffles so, um Is seattle gonna fucking show up and fucking play It make me look like I know something about football. Are they just gonna fucking sit here? I'll tell you what annoyed me when they was talking about the noise in that stadium And they never bring up the that fucking cheat and ass shit that they've been in the fucking stadium

To make those people sound louder than they are the fucking patriots ever did that if they ever fucking did that Or the game today when I was watching the field goal kicker just dragging the football on on the turf Extremely aggressive the pats that what is this about? What is what is he doing to the ball? Did he doctor the ball somehow so we could go a little further or stay away from their best returner? um All right, Seattle gets a three it out. Nice. Nice There's a nice return. All right, there you go Anyway

I think the Bruins went three to two they went three to two with like three minutes left Home and home with the sabers Um They're back to their winning ways. That's always nice. But anyway four hundred days without booze. So The next big milestone for me will be 500 days in like april Which at this point I can do no problem But I'm really just trying to get to my 51st birthday 52nd. I'll be 52 next year. What am I talking about? um

And I can say for the rest of my life at 51 I didn't have one drop of fucking booze um No, I don't I don't know if I'm gonna go back I miss it. I ain't gonna lie to you Missed the way it makes me fail um No, I'm gonna wait till my kids grown up You know when she turns 21 or something like that

Hey, you know Fucking freak around just immediately start slamming shots Where was this guy my entire childhood? Uh, he was he was on the bench So you wouldn't be a fucking You know, you gotta be a fucking productive member of society. You're not gonna have that with a shit-faced dad Shit-faced. All right Well, we've been talking about Impossible burgers. Let's talk about delicious fucking meat. Well, they don't have to split atoms and all of this fucking crap

butcher box everybody All right, talk about what you're most looking forward to in 2020. Oh, I'll tell you new year's day When I bring my bundle of butcher box meats To the golf course right outside the rose bowl to go to the grand daddy of them all celebrating my third decade Of spending new year's day. It all started way back in 2009 With the usc trojans against the the the the penn state nittany lions You know Fucking uh, what was that guy's name there?

The pedophile he was on the field that day for the fucking penn state guys Sandusky Joe paa, right Was coaching the team sneaky p carol about ready to run out the door and they had the butt fumble guy's quarterback That's where it all started, you know, now we're back or again against wisconsin. I've already seen this match up about 10 years ago I want to say, uh, what's his face? Marcus mariotto is one of those fucking guys with quarterback or something. Um, anyway, that's what i'm looking forward to What are some new year's resolutions you're making? Uh

To find out if the information about the impossible burger that i just received is is correct This year i'm going to eat better and spend less time and money at the grocery store. Thanks to butcher box Are they writing this for me to say this? Listen this year i'm gonna i'm not gonna buy anything other than food I don't fucking need anything. I don't fucking want anything I want a clutter free house I want to fucking rather than buying shit. I want to take that money and put it towards my fucking mortgage pay the thing off All right, and then just sit on the back porch and stare at the tree line smoking a cigar

Oh, that sounds good you know Slowly ease my way back into abusing alcohol. Maybe this is why they write copy for me. Sorry this year I'm gonna eat better and spend less time and money at the grocery store. Thanks to butcher box. I actually fucking want to eat better Um Each month they sent a box of the highest quality meat for a better price than the grocery store Which gives you more time to spend cooking and sharing delicious meals with family and friends Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat enough for 24 individual meals or a snack in houston texas

packed fresh and It's slipped frozen You got to respect houston. They don't give a fuck. They were the fattest city Two years in a row. I mean, that's a fucking dynasty in the fat world You know We all know they're too fat and out of shape anybody to get up for that third year you know Fucking drinking a sundae out of the Stanley Cup at that point

Sorry packed fresh and ship frozen the vacuum sealed so it stays that way. I can customize my box I'll go with one of theirs either way You're going to get exactly what you want options like 100 grass fed and finished beef free range organic chicken heritage breed pork Wild caught alaskan salmon and sugar slash nitrate free bacon. It's the way meat meat should be You know something with all this controversy with the impossible meat. I before I can figure that out I got him. I got to get from this, you know There's a fucking cow. We didn't slap it around at eight grass

It's fucking delicious with butcher box You get the highest quality meat for just around six dollars a meal and they even have free shipping nationwide except alaska and why The appendixes appendicitis of the united states right now you get two pounds of salmon absolutely free Imagine if you got killed as a salmon and then they don't even charge for it You must be like what the fuck

You know if fish can like you know those little flippers they have on the side if they can lift them up You know if they had shoulders to shrug. That's what they'd be doing plus 20 dollars off your first box Just go to butcher box.com slash burr or use the promo code burr at checkout. That's butcher box.com slash burr Or use the promo code burr at checkout All right simply save everybody on average a burglary happens once every 23 seconds in the united states How is that fucking possible? Approximately 2 million burglaries are reported A year in the us

You know something's funny is it takes every 23 seconds as a burglary So i'll say those three of them are going to happen the amount of time it takes me to read this copy um Not because burglaries are increasing it's because of my lack of ability go march on lynch march on lynch Is he going to come back? Is he going to make it happen? um Oh look at this the seattle seahawks are driving Russell wilson such a great quarterback so underrated he's up there in seattle nobody cares touch

There's a flag on the fucking play Well, it's the nfl. So, you know, it's going to be against the defense Don't you dare call holding they're not going to call a push-off Holding offense. Oh you fucking zebra cunt you Oh peak carol there's no flavor left in that gum and he just keeps chewing it gotta love him But let's see did he hold him. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Jesus christ his fucking armor on his neck um

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What are we having? What are we having? I am on air. What are we having? We're having we're having a vegetarian night. So we've got some greens. We've got Some mushrooms. We've got any impossible greens. Nope And we have roasted vegetables Oh, I love it Roasted rutabaga. All right, let me uh, I'll hit pause on this and uh, I'm gonna have a nice dinner here And then I'll be back in a half a second because of you know the technology. I'll edit this together. Look at Seattle with the first

I picked them to win the Super Bowl. Nia. Are you impressed? Nope. Let's go. Okay All right, and I'm back and you know what the 49ers just answered back with the touchdown What are they doing here? They're going for fucking two points with three fucking minutes left to do What what the fuck kind of world is this now? What why would you do that? You basically say well, we know they're gonna score another couple of touchdowns. Why would you do that? Fucking stupid Jesus fucking christ, I don't even I don't even understand sports anymore

What the fuck was wrong with being up 20 to 7? Because you know, they scored too much touchdowns. It'd be 21 fucking 20 in what world? You you live it in the hypotheticals at this point. Well, what the fuck maybe maybe they just get a field goal A field goal makes it fucking uh, it would have been 20 to 10 then they score another touchdown All right, then it's what it's fucking 20 to 17 I don't know what they did touchdown their head field. I don't fucking get it. You just leaving points I get it in the end of the game. I understand towards the end of the game was fucking three minutes left That's why I find you take the fucking points

All these fucking times they go forward on fourth down. That's the shit you used to get fired for I watch NBA hoop you guys some guys seven foot five taken a three-pointer with nobody underneath And they don't put them on the bench. It's uh, you know nice attempt you hit the rim there Fucking transylvanian east european fucking frankenstein looking white dude What happened to the american white male in the nba? We just we just suck. We can't fucking get in anymore. It's all it's it's the fucking It's all fucking the behind the iron curtain white guys It's really weird how like shit goes through like cycles. You know what I mean I think as you go to eastern europe and those people don't even have cell phones left

You know what I mean? So they're just out there. They're just hooping it up all day And you know our kids are eating, you know Shit that's going to make them lactate. We're a bunch of fat fucks and I don't I don't think we're not bringing it We're not bringing it Wasn't michelle obama gonna fix that? Wasn't she she was the one who was about the kids Um, I need a cause to wrap to to define my identity I'm sorry. I know I make fun of all these fucking people and who am I? Huh? Who am I?

I'm just a guy that ain't an impossible fucking burger who might be fucking Able to nurse a child at some point. I don't know Is this the fucking world we're living in? Is this the kind of technology you were looking for? Um All right, what else? Oh, we didn't talk we didn't talk I started and began I brought it up Was the uh round one of the ncaa college? football playoff Your lsu tigers. Why?

I didn't know they gave out the heisman trophy. I've been so fucking busy joe burrow congratulations And uh, I think the matchup everyone was talking about was lsu against ohio state and then you know this guy who couldn't even make the fucking team Um Could possibly go and win a championship But another you know against the team that wouldn't start him or get many playing time. I thought that was interesting Oh, now they're gonna review the fucking two-point conversion Fucking ridiculous. I don't understand how they got that view either when they don't have a fucking dome

They don't have a fucking roof on that stadium. Somehow they're directly above it You know, and you're telling me there's no big brother um, sorry Anyway, the lsu game was a uh, it was a game for like fucking I don't know six minutes and then they just jesus christ joe burrow seven touchdown passes In the first half over 400 yards in the first half Jefferson their receiver had like 180 plus yards in the first half

Okay I'll tell you right now that fucking Chuck wagon that came out. I think it had a bunch of impossible burgers on it and the oklahoma sooners ate it Because that was Not a good game on the other hand The uh Clemson tigers against the

Ohio state university was an amazing game unfortunately, uh It was a couple of shit calls, but um, I don't feel bad for Ohio state Just because they've been on the other side of of shit calls that went their way. So You know, somebody on twitter said Ohio state fans wake up complaining about the officiating Everybody's fan base bitches about them, but like I gotta be honest with you. I I thought You know, all right, that was helmet to helmet, but that didn't seem like it should have been the injection kind and

Also that looked like a catch to me But I don't know what it catches It was because it was away from his body and then he has to pull it in I mean he caught it and he took like two and a half three steps at what point is he in possession of the ball The ball's not moving. It's in his hands. Both of his hands are on either side of the ball Oh, it's not a catch until he brings it in and the tip of the ball touches The left number on the front side of his jersey I don't know

Ohio state you got fucked on that one, but you know what? You had a fucking coming to you That's how it works. Just like the Oakland Raiders. They the Patriots got fucked In the late 70s and then the Raiders had that fucking coming to him and it was the tuck rule That's what happens what goes around comes around. So quit your crying there columbus Um All right, so there you go. You got Clemson verse lsu. Who do you like? um I don't know. I I got to tell you I was really impressed with Clemson's

Adjustments because in the beginning it just looked like Ohio State Was clearly the better team and was just going to dominate them and all of a sudden they started blitzing them and I don't know I don't know enough about football, but Uh, I remember on the blitz and all of a sudden the kid had to throw it away. They sacked him I'd be like, oh, that's interesting if they start doing this and this is effective How does this fuck with ohio state and it kind of shut him down there for a minute and Clemson got back into the game Ah who watched the game So

We'll see what happens. We shall see What happens? Um And you remember back in the day I was complaining that Ohio State became the number one team in the country Because they beat Penn State and meanwhile lsu beat like fucking four top 10 teams three top 10 teams had a way tougher schedule and uh, I think My complaining was right because there's only two teams left and lsu was one of them and Ohio State is not Okay Columbus, I know you're hurting right now, but I just want you to know you never at any point in this season ever deserved

the number one Next to your fucking name My buddy law had actually was tweeting how the fuck is Clemson? They won 29 games in a row or something. How Are they not The favorite in this game You know Which I actually got a laugh out of that because I know goddamn well

Buckeye fans shit all over Clemson as far as like they play in the acc. There's no competition yadda yadda yadda That's what makes college football fun. All right. Oh look at this. We got a letter here. We got a letter Um, this is from a lady This is from a lady. Do da do da. All right Lady defending bill burr Hi bill parentheses insert clever name here. Ah, you tapped out Anyway, I have been listening to your podcast for years ever since I saw your special on netflix

Not sure which one it was It was the one where I screamed and yelled and never really made a point uh, but it had But it had how to block an incoming slap from a woman And how normal men have never been tempted at the level that famous men have to deal with Um, oh with extracurricular activity. Yes. Anyway I just listened to the m m podcast from monday before christmas 2019 and heard the letter from the lady That started out praising and then turned nasty. I have to say that she is dead wrong

You might be misogynistic, but you're not wrong mostly on a lot of the things you say You know something I would not I I agree with that whole sentence Um I'm misogynistic. I get I think towards women as a group individually I I root for But when they all get together and they start screaming and yelling it's just it's kind of difficult to hear them Listen, this is my deal. I just like fucking with people. All right, I don't give a fuck what women do I don't give a shit. I hope whatever the fuck I did just hope you're happy

I hope you're happy and then you go easy on the guy in your life. How about that? That's that's all I hope You know good. Good. Go go be president. You want dead babies on your conscience. Is that what the fuck you want? Um, anyway, all right, uh, you might be misogynistic Okay, I've I've heard you tell many men slash boys who wrote in for advice to run from a crazy woman and do not fuck her Because it's going to have consequences. I actually think most of your advice Two men and women is pretty damn good. Um, definitely. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You know what that means If you're talking advice, you know, we got to play my jingle What a fuck is it?

Did I lose it? Oh, that was so anticlimactic. What the fuck is it? It's There it is Hey No producer Yeah, no, I have a producer. It was just nobody here when I do this. Yes, but we know we've been listening for a while Oh, a little zz top for you I'm a white guy and this is my blues. All right. Sorry

All right. What the fuck am I? I have a lady defending me. Um, I'm definitely a chick, but I am able to see some of my issues Uh, and it breaks my heart how dumb a lot of young girls are I was too though. Yeah, I was a stupid guy. I still am a stupid guy Anyways, and I for one appreciate your honesty and your ability to also look at yourself. Well, thank you This is actually a very nice letter First down Seattle Will it come back to haunt them that they went for fucking two? We shall see. All right. Um

I'm also sober and have been and have been for a long time and I really do miss it But I know I am totally romanticizing what drink drinking would be like if I attempted to control it now Not gonna happen You're not 100 romanticizing it is fun It is fun being a fat fuck and being shit-faced when you have a kid upstairs. That's not fun but, um That first one though. Oh that first one Is hearing that booze going over that fucking ice cube. Sorry

Good luck and be happy with whatever way you you go with that Uh, kiss nia and cutie pie for me. Oh, and then nice. Look at that. That was just like a glowing sort of review you know Little that's how you do it ladies that right there Man meant that's how you do it that you you're fucking, you know You be a gentleman or a lady about it and I can actually hear what you're saying um All right, where the fuck am I financial advice for a young adult? Oh Jesus. You're asking me

Um All right Let's see what we got here. All right. Okay financial advice for a young adult. Hello red beard dr. Phil I've been listening to the podcast since I've been up been 15 and just turned 24 Jesus Christ You've been listening for nine years But enough of that. I truly need some help. All right recently my father passed out. Sorry to hear that And left me a lot of money. There you go Not a lot jesus. This is the ups and downs of this first sentence

But it's about enough to live in new york without a job for about seven years. What the fuck are you talking about? That's that's a ton of money Wait, what part of new york? What are we where are we talking here? Are we talking like north of albany or are we talking new york city? Anyways, not that i'm going to do such a thing, but it's just an example. Uh, not to make this a super long email Um, I just want some type of advice Uh from anyone older and more knowledgeable on the matter I grew up without my dad. So I was never taught what you should do with money. Oh, so he wasn't in the picture

Okay I've been waking up every other morning with severe anxiety and stress because of the fear that everything will be gone And I won't be able to take care of myself. All right, that's not going to happen. Neither one of those things is going to happen Most people go out in the world and they don't have seven years worth of cash That they could live off of so you're way ahead of the game. All right Even now thinking about it and writing this to you gives me a sharp pain in my gut full of fear Yeah, see this is the thing. This is the other side of of you know, there's not having money There's that stress and then there's the stress of having it because yeah

All right, this is an easy one here. He goes, I truly hope you see this over the decade long time I've been listening to your podcast. This is the one and only time I've tried to email Thank you either way for the last even if you don't get this. All right Okay, but this very polite email you seem like a really good person um There are plenty of places where you can learn about money And you don't have to learn it all by tomorrow so

Take a deep breath exhale Fuck all of those fears and you're gonna be the person who doesn't blow the money You're gonna go out and learn what to do with the money Okay, and um It's kind of hard for me to give you advice on what to do with the money um

What I would do is if I had enough money To live for seven years I would maybe buy a place if I could if I don't know how much money that is or how you live But if you could afford to buy a property um Rental or a place where you're gonna live You know in those seven years as you build up your career

You could have a lot of equity built up in the house buy something where you can be knocking down the mortgage I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I what the fuck do I know? But I I do know that like I remember seeing this thing on duff mckagan guns and roses, right Yeah bass player when when the band hit he would get these these spreadsheets Or whatever the fuck they are their financial statements and like most people he didn't know how to read them And he actually went back to school. I believe in seattle And got like a a degree in finance or something like that. So

I mean, there's a person that was playing Was a musician playing in a successful band touring around the world and Took time off constructively to go do that You know and he was able to do it And understand money. So if he can do it, you can do it, you know, you don't have a world tour You know taking up all your time you can just go figure this shit out. So, um, I think you're doing the right thing

You know, it's good that you're Nerve it's actually good that you're nervous that you're gonna blow it means you respect this money that you've been given so, um I don't think you can be going out buying a bunch of shiny shit and fur coats and dumb shit You know There's just basic shit that can lead you down the road, you know How rich people buy assets and poor people buy liabilities like simple sort of You know, I mean, that's you know, there's a million

Arguments within that but it just as far as like a building block. Well, there's fucking pass interference right there. Jesus christ You fucking tackle the guy. Sorry, um Anyway, uh There's there's a million ways to do this. All right, but I one advice that we'll give you is do not put it in the stock market That is the stupidest fucking thing you could ever do that is just a completely rigged fucking game And uh, I don't think it's really policed either and they just Rich people pump it up and then they pull their money out right before they know it's gonna fucking crash

It crashes and then they buy a bunch when everybody else is hurting and then they build it back up again It's just one fucking bubble after another um Yeah, I would do that and then you know Don't go out and buy a grill you know Stupid shit like that don't don't go out and buy a A chain that has like a pendant on it, which is your face all in diamonds

I mean, that's the type of shit. That's how you go broke Don't have uh, you know endangered species In your backyard that you have to feed You know, just live within your means. This is what I would do over the next seven years. I would you know I I would learn how to invest the money and I would continue to work And I would live off the money that I make from my job not from what's in the uh You know, or I would I would buy something that with the job that I have I can make the mortgage payment You know something like that or you know, I don't know. There's a million different ways to go

You can buy a rental property. There's all kinds of stuff that you can do with it. Um, you know, just don't go out and go You know Do the dumb shit your friends would do Marsh on Lynch for a touchdown over the top. Is that what just happened? Yeah, you go welcome back All right Okay, so good luck with that, but you're you're you're you're fine. You're gonna be fine Don't listen negative voices like that. Okay. If you're fucking nervous about something You open up to somebody and then you try and find out where the help is and then you go to it

Um, all right online girl. All right. Hey, billy. I got an audition. I got a situation. Sorry that I'd love your opinion on Uh, I'm 18 and I've met this girl online. Oh Yes Is it really a bearded russian guy Trying to get yourself a security number. Who knows I met this girl online. We video chat and all that So I know she's fucking real lol We are getting pretty close and I want to visit but the thing is i'm not sure if she is talking to someone else Or is just talking to me because she's bored or no one is talking to her

So she talks to me for the fuck of it Maybe I'm being a paranoid idiot, but it's I feel it's a possibility I try not to keep hassling About it, but because I fear it will push her away at the same time I keep my own distance and try not to get too attached So I don't get my heart ripped to fucking shreds if she is talking to someone else Also, I'm just starting my life and as an adult. I'm almost done with school and I need to get a job I know I need to save money for my for my adult stuff like a car and rent etc

But I really want to meet her and make sure this is all legit. Am I being an idiot? By letting my dick make the decisions Well, it sounds like you're between your ears right now thinking about all this shit I would just anytime you meet somebody that you met online don't ever meet them at their apartment Or I would meet them during the day in a public place with a bunch of fucking people Especially women meeting guys, this is I don't need I don't know anything about this Don't take my advice talk to somebody who fucking has done this Anyway, I just need advice because the more I think about it the more I start thinking about how there might be another guy

I think I'm just a fucking maniac, but any advice would be amazing much appreciated and go fuck yourself I don't know dude. First of all, there wasn't one Period in the whole last paragraph. So I really think your thoughts were getting away from you You're flipping out. All right, and uh Here's the thing about this shit is you know when you fucking Somebody's from a distance you can really romanticize them And everything's fucking perfect and you're not arguing because they're really not in your life So if you want to find out what this is is all about I like I said, I would go meet her in a very public place during the fucking day

all right You may or may not Want to bring mace you have no idea what's gonna. But follow you. You know, I'll be you know, I'm fucking paranoid as I am I'm like, how do I know this fucking heart? He's talking to me Try to get my dumb ass to come over there and meet her and then I'm gonna get jumped by her friends so I'd meet her in one of those frozen frozen yogurt places. Nobody ever gets beat down in those do they? Oh, Jesus. No, I gotta search that. Let me see here

Frozen yogurt beat down The life and death of a tart frozen yogurt The fuck is that Best fro yo shops fro yo Oh boy the life and death Of tart frozen yogurt Never forget red mango pinkberry and 16 handles. I don't know what this is talking about flavors, right? all right

I thought some kid got killed in a street name was tart Uh, sorry about that Okay, 19 to 14 Seattle. I mean sorry 49ers Seattle's on their way back. I'm telling you I told you they're gonna win the super bowl You have to listen to me because I played organized football In third grade All right, don't love girlfriend anymore. Oh boy. Here we go. Are we ending on this? Oh, we got an overrated underrated coming up next. All right Don't love my girlfriend anymore

Well, I'm sad to hear that All right, dear billy ginger tits Pretty soon to be dear billy lactating tits. Uh, I'm 18 and in high school I've known this girl since fourth grade and we've been friends throughout our school life a year ago I discovered that I had feelings for her and told her about it. She did too She was she's my first girlfriend first ever girlfriend for the first few months. It was amazing I couldn't get enough of her. I started thinking that I loved her and maybe I still do but lately it's been pretty plain Uh, welcome, sir. Welcome to being in a relationship. I still like her a lot

But I don't feel the spark anymore on the other hand I know for sure that she loves me to death and can't even imagine being away from me She even talks about how we would get married. Oh god Oh, these things are so tough Anyway, when we first got together, I was also obsessed with her and talked About our marriage and kids and all that All right, he goes but now it all seems so stupid. All right, you got it. You know, you're fucking young. You don't know what it is You know that young love is is crazy. It's like it's like a fucking baby poisonous snake

They you fucking you empty both fangs even though you don't need to Um, she's a lovely girl beautiful human being she has never Hurt me so I don't want to hurt her by saying anything that would do that I still show the same interest in her like I did before but I don't think it's genuine anymore I asked her once what if things were to go south and we were to break up She started crying and she said she cannot imagine living without me Oh my god Oh god, I'm so glad I'm married. I don't have to go through this shit anymore

I don't know what to do now I can never gather the courage to break up With her because I know how badly she would be affected having said all those things about our future It made all those promises if I break up with her she would think of me as a treacherous person I don't want her to lose faith in all men because that happened to another friend of mine. Oh, give me a fucking break You don't have all men on your shoulders here. All right. You're learning a tough lesson here, sir All right, you really are you know

sometimes What you want is not what the other person wants and somebody gets hurt. It just sucks It's it's like anything. It's like playing a fucking football game. Somebody's gonna win somebody's gonna lose That's not a good metaphor because sometimes, you know, I guess I guess if you're a fucking teen Man, you know what that was a bad metaphor and it just fucking threw me off. I thought I had a point I don't think I do Anyway, she has also said that if we were going to if we were to separate that she would go out and date any piece of shit with a dick

That's kind of weird. I've also Uh, I've known her for so long and I really care about her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her if we break up I don't know dude. Why is she telling you that? I think she's I think she just said that just so you wouldn't break up with her Help me Bill. How can I break up with this lovely human being without saddening her to the point of depression and without becoming a bad person Myself any advice would be greatly appreciated love from india eat a bag of shit and go fuck yourself. All right I love from india. You know, that's one of my favorite places. I ever went to Fucking people were cool as shit. They were ball breakers too, man. Really funny people Let's see here. All right, buddy. Well

For all men and women out there part of becoming adult an adult is learning Out of break up with somebody and also part of being an adult is Taking care of yourself and what you want Okay, and not giving into the fact. Oh, this is gonna hurt somebody else now I'm not talking about pouring shit into the drinking water because that's what you want to do I'm just talking about In relationships. All right If you really want to find love and you really want to you know

Live this fucking, you know, happy life you have to be selfish And if you're not into it anymore, you got to tell them and you got to tell them sooner rather than later touched out 49ers Fuck I was feeling so right. What is with the choreographed the entire team celebrations now Everybody foot loose The white guy talking shit to the camera. You don't see that much Do they just give a sideline reporter a helmet? Um, sorry, uh, let's see here um

Just sit her down say we got to talk and just say this is the worst thing I've ever had to do but The only thing worse than this would be lying to you Which I don't want to do And just say I am not feeling the same feelings that I felt earlier And um I need to be single and figure out why that is Geez, that's pretty good, man. I mean what the fuck I mean there it is. That's it right there And you know

I wouldn't say please don't judge all other men because of me because then you come off like this fucking Self-involved person. Just keep it about yourself. You don't have to drag all other men Down with you. You just say What it is that you're feeling and then you say what it is that you want and then she's gonna cry It's gonna suck, but it's gonna be over You know That's it. All right, and then You know when you break up then you need some time apart

Okay, because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and I'll tell you like I learned Very quickly that when you break up with someone you get out of their life um Because women they they do like they're into vengeance and getting even and shit like that and like When they get real fucking emotional like, you know Yeah, the fucking you're gonna have a pet is gonna end up in some stew is all I'm saying so I always just like

I don't want to know what they're doing. I don't want to know who they're dating. I don't give a fuck and um And who knows years later you can come back together. You could have a cordial fucking conversation But I do know immediately right after the whole fucking thing Goes down that uh, you know, it's usually good to kind of keep your distance or whatever So whatever. All right, so there you go. I don't need to get into all of that shit. You'll figure it out. You'll figure it out um And for the rest of your life whenever you're feeling that fucking feeling

You know, you have to address it sometimes you just address it because there's uh Sometimes it is because you're with the wrong person and other times it's just the ups and downs of the fucking thing but um I don't know when you get to the point where you just feel like you're being phony. Yeah, you do have to go address it All right, that's it enough on that. All right overrated underrated Underrated spending january and february by yourself Oh, all right. I like that new year's eve

Just you and some food in movies super bowl. Just you beers food in the game Valentine's day just use some food and whatever the hell you want I'll get to socializing in march It's all right the little serial killer Or maybe you're the next great novelist um Spending time by yourself is underrated. I am a uh I'm a recovered loner

now that I have a wife and a kid but I I Never had a problem being alone I don't know why But I so I agree with that sir. All right, I'll tell you what's overrated Overrated is fucking picking the fucking seattle seahawks in november and they're not gonna fucking beat the 49ers Overrated making a fucking super bowl prediction in november. Come on rustle Make make me right left fuck it says there's this fucking six minutes to go They're down by i'm gonna be down by

Ah, jesus christ now the 49ers are gonna give up the middle of the field to try to fucking burn the clock Does this work any football fans anybody out there actually coaches football does this work? Don't get beat deep don't let him out of bounds So they just get fucking one ten twelve yard pass after another rustle wilson goes back dumps it off a nice pass brush there all right Anyways, I'm not richard shermanfields coming back to that building. That's got to be fucking weird I know it's his second season with the 49ers But uh, what do you guys think they're in seattle? Do they let him go too soon?

Achilles is a major injury, but he's pretty much shutting down that side of the field, isn't he? He's still a young guy Um, all right. That's the podcast everybody Happy new year everybody and I hope you guys all have a wonderful amazing successful next decade and uh everything that you want comes true. Don't be a cunt go fuck yourselves And uh, I will check in on you on new year's day In a whole new decade. Oh, Jesus