Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-31-12

Episode Date: January 1, 2013

Bill rambles about Anderson Cooper, bank robber's gym and letting cult members expire.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast. The final Monday Morning Podcast for 2012, Monday, December, 31st, 2012. Happy New Year. You know, there's no New Year's songs are there other than that dumb one you sing after they do the countdown, right? You lean over with some chick who's got red wine, breath and fucking gray teeth. Are we going to go up to your suite? Right? That's how you bring in the New Year. Well, I actually wrote a New Year's song for you guys this week. This is what I do for my listeners. All right. Here it is. In the spirit of New Year's. Here it is. Happy New Year to you. Am I going to get sued? Happy New Year. I'm never getting money off this, right? To you.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year to you. Oh, fuck yourself. Hey, happy New Year, everybody. You know what the great thing about a New Year is? Is you just get to say fuck the last year, right? And act like because the sun's going down and it's coming up and it's a brand new year that somehow you're a different person. Somehow you've learned something from last year without even having to apply yourself. That's a big drunk talk, New Year's Eve. Dude, I'm so glad this fucking year is over. This year, worst year ever.

Fucking wife left me. My kids suck. I fucking cracked up my cat the other day, right? Fucking good ratings, dude. Dude, fuck this year, right? What I love, it's the year. It's not the decisions that Dushbag was making for the last 365 days. Oh, it's not that. It's something about the year. Dude, this year just doesn't like me. You know, like you're breaking up with this year and 2013 is going to be different. Even though you're going to drink just as much, you're going to hit on that chicken work, right? Still going to smoke a whole fucking, I don't know, sandwich bag of weed every night helps me sleep, dude, right? Keep telling yourself that lie. You know, people, if you want true change in your life, I'm sorry, what am I a guru? I'm not.

All right. There's a nice fucking deep groove up to my neck of me doing the exact same shit for the last 44 fucking years. So who the hell, who the hell am I to preach? I'm just saying, if somebody starts that shit with you tonight, right, dude, I'm so psyched this year's over. This was the worst fucking year at like that, that fucking philosophy. That's the same philosophy is people who go, see, there you go. Bad things come in threes. Bad things come in threes. No, they don't. Bad things happen. Bad things happen every day. The problem is the reason why your math works out is every time you get to three, you just start back over and start saying, now here's a new group of three. You could say bad things happen in 17.

If you fucking wait long enough, see, there you go. You know, that's number 17. Bad things happen in 17 morons. They're not smart like me. Yesterday, I actually played drums with a guitar player and a bass player. And I realized something is that's just a completely different ball game. And I suck so fucking frustrating, you know, when you sit there playing drums by yourself for fucking ever, you know, and just sitting there thinking like, you know, you're trying out all this difficult shit, play 60 no triplets in fucking five, no groupings. That just doesn't work. All it does is make the people around you turn around and look at you like, what the fuck are you doing? And oh, God, it was frustrating. It was really frustrating. I've been playing a lot lately.

I don't know, actually played with one of the guys I played with was Mark Maron and Mark Maron can fucking play guitar. The guy was, he was killing it was fucking killing it. So I got to step up my game. I thought I was the best instrumentalist slash podcast host. And no, there will be no tapes or video. What do you think I'm an asshole? I don't get trashed enough on Twitter. You know what happened to me on Twitter the other day? No, Bill, how would we know? What do you think that's how we build our lives around watching your fucking Twitter account? All right, relax. I was, you know, I'm not big on the social network, networking things. I don't like it. I don't like talking to people. And I certainly don't like Twitter with this whole fucking like,

this sense of entitlement people have that I have to go on there and be funny. You know, this fucking chick gave me shit. I was sending links to a couple of funny videos that I saw, you know, and then I think I tweeted about a upcoming show. God forbid, you know, I do something like that. And she wrote, I wish I fucking had it for me. She basically wrote for the love of God, write something funny in the box, hit send. No, write something in the box, hit send. Don't forget to make it funny. Thank you. Right. And dude, I swear to God, I wanted to find this fucking cunt and just choke her to death, to the brink of death. Okay, right before she was going to pass out and then ease up, let her get a nice fucking gulp of oxygen and then just

blaster in the face. And I know what you're thinking, that's violence against women. No, it isn't. It's violence against a woman. Hypothetically. All right. So why don't you, your group and your website stand the fuck down? That's what I wanted to do. I didn't do it. You know, what are you going to get me for something I was thinking of doing like that Tom Cruise movie? Every time I see a brinks truck and I see the fucking guy coming out of the back with the two bags of money and that guy sitting there with his pistol, his little pea shooter out of the holster. Don't you always think that? Well, I just punched him in the face, gave the other guy a leg sweep and just grabbed those two bags. How fast can you run with two

bags of money? You know, you think they have a bank robber gym and that's one of the things you do and they have some social personal trainer. Each one of these bags weighs 25 pounds. You are going to run with these bags up and down that hill because when it comes to the day that you're going to rob a brakes truck, you've got 8.5 seconds to get back to that little car. Okay. If your leg starts cramping up, hey, hey, hey, no talking. Your leg starts cramping up. You think the cops are going to give you a do over? They ain't. You're going to be in a fucking prison cell with sore triceps and a butthole that won't quit and everybody dropped to the floor and gave a 20. You think that exists? Anyway, so I was, so what do I do? Usually I don't respond, but this

woman so fucking pissed me off with her chop, chop. You work for me fucking cunt hair attitude that I actually wrote back. I just wrote back. I think I wrote back. I quit your whining. All right, but somehow I erased her name. So I sent that out to everybody who follows me on Twitter. Quit your whining. And then everybody starts trashing me says the guy who makes his living whining, right? And then everybody's trashing me. And I just said, I can't win for losing on this shit. You know, I'm not into this shit of getting heckled off hours. You know, I stand on the stage. That's on me. I was dumb enough to go up there and go, Hey, everybody look at me. You know, I don't give a fuck then, but this shit where I'm just sitting at home,

you know, somebody talks talking to me like that, you fucking, you know, you know what? God helped the fucking guy that ends up with that woman. Jesus Christ, what a fucking, you know what I mean? But I swear to God, that's how young people are right now. You know, they weren't raised right like me and my generation. We were raised right. We had to pay for our music. You know, if you miss something on TV, you fucking missed it. And you had to stand there at the bus stop staring down at your stride rights. As everybody talked about the space 1999 episode that you fucking missed last night, feeling like an outsider. You know, not these fucking spoiled breath. They just grabbed

their little smartphones and they just fucking look it up and they all watch it. Shaking their heads, LOLing or whatever the fuck it is they're doing. So now here's this woman who doesn't fuck like she talked, she's talking to me, talking to me like, like she's paying me some sort of salary on Twitter. Go fuck yourself. Something funny strikes me. I will tweet it out. But I'm going to give you a link to some woman diving off a cliff and knocking herself unconscious. I'll fucking do that. All right. Jesus. Dude, I'm so glad fucking 2012 is over. I had the worst year ever on Twitter. Anyways, and to everybody who's listening to this right now and then is going to write the

exact same thing on Twitter and think that that's somehow original. Just know that another 500 people already fucking did that. That's another fucking thing. You know, now that you guys have a voice, the general public, and you can insert yourself into being possibly whatever seen by millions of people, why don't you try to be a little more creative? After all your years of bitching about fucking movies and saying, oh my god, how many times can they make that movie? You wouldn't fucking believe the amount of times I write something on Twitter. And then like 30 people have the exact same clever angle laughing their fucking asses off while rolling on the floor evidently. Oh, I'm in a cunty mood.

So anyways, let's get on with the podcast here. I barely watched any football yesterday. I was too busy hacking away at a drum kit. I played all right. It's one of those deals where I played fine and I sounded good, but I just thought I was so much fucking better. Jesus, wasn't that a nice fucking ice bucket of water to the to the ego? Hey, you know what's really been bumming me out this whole fucking week? I hate when people throw out their Christmas trees like the day after Christmas or two days after Christmas, like, well, thank God that's over. It's like, well, we just going through the fucking motions. You know what I mean? You just can't wait.

It's quite the fucking body isn't even cold yet. They throw out these trees. The trees are still green. You know what I mean? It's laying on the side of the road with that shock look on their face like, oh, what'd I do? The contract said through the new year. You know, I don't know. Going back to what I was talking about last week about the whole NRA and getting rid of guns and that type of thing. And like, remember what I was saying? Like they should have some sort of like test to find out who the sociopaths are. That's kind of a red flag to me. When you throw your Christmas tree out that quickly, that means that you don't have any, you don't, you don't have any Christmas in your heart. You don't, you don't get that warm, fuzzy

feeling around the holidays going, you know what? This is what's really important. You know, take a couple of weeks off from the fucking rat race. You don't, you're just sitting there with a sweater and a pipe in your mouth and your leg up on the coffee table laughing it, laughing when the other humans laugh. They start laughing. Then you, oh, right? Just going through the fucking motions. You know, probably got bodies in your basement. Nobody knows because the fire's fucking cracking and there's the Christmas tree. And then the second it's fucking over, you close up shop. I don't know. It's just, it's, it's, it's fucking creepy to me. It's a combination of creepy. And

then I hate people don't dispose of their Christmas trees properly. All right. You dispose of it like a body. You cut that fucker up and you stick it in the green can. That's what you do. You don't just throw it out in the street, you know, and just let society deal with it. That's right. I use the word society. I don't think this cough is ever going to go away. Um, overrated, inhaling mold. I actually have another scar that I still want to smoke. That's how fucked up this is. It's really bad. Oh, by the way, my dog this week got sick. I don't know what happened. She just started like I'm telling you, if you were going to have a squirt gun fight with diarrhea, like that didn't make sense. It was shit. I don't know. I don't know. It was, you couldn't even pick it up.

It was fucking crazy. We woke up in the morning and she had shit all over the living room. Poor thing. She was whining in the night and I didn't hear it. You know, and, uh, she was trying to let me know like, dude, something bad's about to happen. Right. And I didn't hear it and fucking woke up the next day with like, uh, Lake Erie of shit on the hardwood floors. Right. So we take her out and she just has the shits for like two days. So I have to go bring her over to the vet. And by the way, what's funny is she loves going to the vet. If you walk into my house, she will try and rip your head off. But if you're at the vet, because we boarded there a couple of times, there's something about when she goes to a

place where she was taken care of, like she just loves you forever and anybody who walks in, she loves them. She fucking loves everybody at the vet. She's got like that old school, like blue collar loyalty. You know, hey, anything you need, anything you, hey, after what you did for me. No, seriously, seriously, dude, after what you did for me. Okay. Anything you fucking, no, look at me. Anything you fucking need. That's her vibe when she's over there. Anybody walks through that fucking door. Okay. They're cool with you. They're cool with me. They're not cool with you. You just say the fucking word. That's her vibe. She turns in, she goes from this hellhound. She comes, like she's literally dragging me into the

vet. Tail wagon comes in, she puts her paws up on the front desk. Everybody, hey, Clio, how you doing? You have kisses for everybody. I don't know what happened. She, if she could just fucking be that way when people came out of my house, it would be the greatest thing ever. So anyways, we fucking go over there and whatever. So now we gotta, we gotta somehow make her eat this pill. What we do is we just grind it up and we just sprinkle it on her food. So she's eating that stuff and you know, the deal. Now I got to get some sort of fucking stool sample. So they give me this little thing like you'd keep weed in those little medicine bottles. And it's just, it was the fucking one. Sometimes it really just fucking grossed me out. I pick up the shit in the, in the shit bag

there as Rappaport would say, and I just throw it in a barrel. It's no big fucking deal. But there was just something about carrying that. I'm like, I was keeping it was just fucking gross. So the play and what kills me is I get the stool sample like fucking two days ago and Nia's just like, why did you do that? I'm like, I immediately go defensive. I'm like, cause the fucking doctor said to sitting here walking around with a violent shit in my pocket. You're giving me a rough time about it. She goes, well, they're not open until Monday. I go, well, what the, what do I do with this thing? So actually on my front porch, I've had a vial of shit underneath my rocking chair for like the last two days. It's probably frozen solid. And I don't know what I'm going to do.

You know, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to have, I'm going to just tell Nia to bring it over. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pass off the fucking responsibility. You know, he also told me I need to start brushing your teeth. So I've been doing that. And I don't know if you ever try to brush a dog's teeth. It's the funniest thing. Like you'll laugh your ass off as it's happening, unless you get frustrated easily, which I do, but not with animals. You know, you can't get frustrated with a dog. They're fucking hilarious. So the second you start brushing their teeth, their tongue, they just start going, so the whole time you're trying to brush their teeth that they can't stop. It's like, if I give a dog peanut butter and they're sitting there fucking

whatever you call licking their chops for like the next 20 minutes, that's what she's doing. And I'm laughing my ass off and I can't get her fucking front teeth because her stupid tongue keeps going like in and out. And then it becomes like a, that's not a disgusting, didn't it? I really should get checked out, shouldn't I? Yeah, but that's not what guys do. We don't get checked out. Something bad happens. You just fuck, you push through it. If you came up in athletics, you know, you just pushed through the fucking paint. That's why we die earlier. You know, I think my eyes are starting to go. Am I going to go to the doctor and go look and get some glasses? How funny is that? I've been making fucking fun of nerds all this year. And then my

karma is now I might need glasses. Can somebody please photoshop some pictures of me with different glasses on? I just want to see what I'm going to look like, how bad the heckling is going to be. Because somebody said, well, why don't you just get contacts? It's like, I don't want to wear contacts. That's like having a toupee. You have that fucking thing stuck to your head. Underneath your heads all sweaty and shit. Like I don't get people who wear fucking toupees. Like why would you, it's like having a hat on forever. You know, I always wondered about people who have toupees. Like at night, do they just take it off? Like, oh, just fucking, sit there fucking scratching this skull.

The top of your head smells like hockey stuff. I know it's gross. This has been a gross podcast, but I'm just saying I don't get the fucking toupee at all. I don't get hair plugs because they look horrific, but they got this new way of doing it now where they vacuum the hair out of the back of your head and then they just parrot, troop it on to the top of your head. And that's the first thing I've ever considered where I've just been like, you know what? When they do it that way, it looks natural, but then they sent me a video of the, uh, the actual procedure dude and it's like right out of silence of the lambs. There's so much fucking blood. You wouldn't believe it. This has just been disgusting. This has just been shit, blood, violence against women. And then there was a

slight fucking bestiality thing as I'm talking about my tongue, the dog's tongue going in and out just the way I said that, whatever, whatever. I'm just getting out all the bad stuff. So 2013, one of the threesy can be the best fucking year ever for all of us. You know, that felt very cultish. Um, the fuck was I just talking about? The hell was I talking? I said, I can't even remember. My brain just goes forward. That's it. It's gone. It's over. There's nothing we could do. What happened? They just, they just whacked Tommy. Um, anyway, speaking of very cultish, I was, uh, I didn't watch any football yesterday. So, uh, you know, I didn't really have anything to talk about. So I figured I would

watch a little bit of news. So I went to the CNN one. I figured I'd do that one next week. I'll watch the Fox news just to keep it fair and balanced, you know, and, uh, they got this hilarious thing for Anderson Cooper. They go, Anderson Cooper is keeping them honest. I didn't know what it means. And he's got this fucking look on his face. It's keeping who honest. What does Anderson Cooper think he's doing with his little field trips over to like different parts of the world with his bulletproof vest on and his hair still perfect? God, I'm jealous of his fucking hair. I would take his full head of hair all white. I would take it. I would take that. I would take just that and leave the sides red. I'd do it.

I'd walk on stage looking like Jay Leno, fuck Steve Martin, right? No, wait, they both have gray hair. Let's see. Uh, you, you, you do the fucking math. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about here? Did I lose this? Oh yeah. So Anderson Cooper's keeping them honest, right? You got to watch. I got to send you the link to it. The fucking look on his goddamn face. Like he really believes he's keeping people honest. Who is he keeping honest? Like he's investing. Let's say he invests a major corporation. Do they go, Oh fuck, Anderson Cooper's here. Man, I'm not tall. The guy is, he looks like one of those five foot eight guys with small hands. Doesn't he look like that? You know, five, eight little small hands. So, you know, to make up for it, God gives him a

perfect head of hair. You know, had I been two inches smaller, you know, with the hands I had in sixth grade, he would have let me keep my hair. He would have. He would have let me do it. That's how it works. It's in the fine print of having a soul. So anyways, they got Anderson Cooper there, right? And he evidently he's keeping keeping them honest. That's about as vague as you can get who them keeping them honest. Don't lie to me. That's like when what the fuck was it there? Five hour energy had the little pink bottles. And then they said a portion of the proceed goes to fight breast cancer. Well, what percentage we don't deal in percentages portion. Got you in a little slice. So anyway, so I'm watching this shit on the F F LDS church. I have

no idea what it is. It's yet another group of people who had the audacity to start their own church and have somebody that they listened to blindly, you know, and evidently they were predicting that the end of the world was coming. And so they had their own grocery store in the center of town, this little small town. And they don't fuck they fucking closed. They closed the grocery store down. And then the authorities are going like the report is going to the authorities, the authorities going, Is this a bad sign? You think this is a bad sign? The guys like, Yes, we definitely think this is a bad sign. We feel like it's suggesting that they feel the world is ending. So there's no need to buy groceries anymore. Sorry about the coffin, guys.

First of all, on two levels, that story is fucking annoying. First of all, you could be dumb enough to follow another fucking human being that who's basically doing the ultimate dude, I called it, basically predicting not, you know, like what I'll predict that the Broncos and I was going to say the Green Bay Packers, but Verzi was like, what about Seattle's defense? But I don't like their quarterback. So I'm going to say the fucking Green Bay Packers will somehow be able to score enough fucking points against that amazing Seattle defense. And it's the revenge factor because fuck the Seattle Seahawks and Pete Carroll

and he's not doing Rick Flair. I just did Rick Flair. Pete Carroll is when they score a touch and it goes, it's really long. It's horrific. So because they have one more victory in the ledger than they actually deserve. I'm saying Green Bay goes in there, whether it's in Seattle and their artificially loud stadium, you know, with their 12th man, the douchiest thing in football, the 12th man, they need us, you know, they do everything but give their fans pompoms. Anyways, great fucking defense. So fucking great defense. By the way, they made the 49ers with their second year quarterback look like the 49ers with the second year quarterback unlike the Patriots defense. Let's score 31 points. Am I still fucking bummed about that? Yes, I am. Although I saw some

shit yesterday with our pass rush, you know, that maybe we're seeing the future that would really help out our corners. So that's what I'm calling. So anyways, back to this fucking church. So you're dumb enough as an adult to follow another fucking person that says they know what's going to happen. But then what was bugging me too was this reporter, he's walking around, nobody wants to talk to him and he's sitting there harassing him and he's like the ladies were polite, you know, unlike the men. And it's like, no, you're sexually attracted to females. So you come at them with a different vibe. You came at the guys like a cunt. And then also with guys, there's always like that. Hey, I'm going to punch you in the face vibe. This guy sitting there

talking about the difference between men and women like an 80s comic or something. Wait, did I just do it too before I trashed him for doing it? I don't fucking know. But this is the thing. They're sitting there going like, you know, watching what's going on with this church. And I guess their leader is already in jail. I don't know what he did. I have no fucking idea. But I got a big sense that a lot of it had that he had the audacity to start his own fucking church. Eventually you're just going to end in jail or they're going to burn you down. And then they go, it brings up conjures up images of Jim Jones and David Koresh. That's what I love about these things. Why don't they ever bring up mainstream religion too? Like my religion,

you know, all the murder and crap and fucking child molestation and all this shit that like my religion is horrific. The inquisitions, getting in bed with the Nazis. I mean, just write down, if you go write down the most Judas moments in history, there's going to be a rep from my church sitting right there with his little red hat on or maybe the big white one, the big steeple hat. I don't know. I don't understand why they just don't leave these fucking people alone. Just leave them alone. If people want to start a fucking church, let them start a church. And if they want to think some regular guy is Jesus, let him. And if he tells them all to go drink a bunch of poison, let him. What, what, what are you saving? You know what I mean? You know something

like our compassion in the long run is going to kill us. All right, we're fucking overpopulated. All right. And because we're so good at medicine, the fucking weak survive. If you're fucking dumb enough to drink a fucking glass of ripple or whatever the fuck you're drinking, what, what, because some guy told you that there's a spaceship coming. If you're fucking dumb enough to do that, you shouldn't be here. Not saying that. I don't have a right to say you shouldn't be here, but like it's, it's good for the herd that you exit as soon as possible. That's how I look at it. You know, polar ice caps are melting. Everything's made out of corn now. Would it really be that bad

if a bunch of fucking people who are dressed like Quakers, following a guy who says he's the Messiah, if he tells you to fucking kill yourself, if they just killed themselves, when they're like, you go in and then you save those people and then where do they go? What? All of a sudden they're smart. Do you send them through some sort of don't believe another human being the next time they say they're Jesus class? They don't. They just go in and save them and then they just let them out again to go out and do the same shit all over again. I've just let, it's like bankers. You act like you're fucking outraged and then what do you do? You give them the fucking houses back. None of them go to jail. They get the houses back again to do the same

bullshit all over again. So you know what it is people? Without reading, without even being remotely intelligent, I have the whole world figured out. You gotta admit, as much as I've been preaching on this podcast, I do realize I'm going to compliment myself for realizing that I'm a douche. Jesus Christ, what's with my ego today? You know what it is? I need a boost after embarrassing myself or just not playing well yesterday on drums. Like literally like in my head, I was to the point that I've ever went like if I ever got called to do a fucking drum and gig that I could actually pull it off like that's where my fucking ego was. I don't know. Anyway, so let's get on with the advertising for this week. Everybody we got some quickies here over the holidays. Amazon.com everybody.

If you'd like to support this podcast, all you got to do is go to billburr.com, click on the podcast page and then there's a link over to the right for Amazon. Click on that brings you right to Amazon. Everything's the exact same price. But if you buy something after you go through my website, percentage of the proceeds, they kick me something, right? And then I fucking kick a portion of that to for the Wounded Warriors project. It's been a great thing. And I want to thank everybody for doing it this entire year. And last year, it's been awesome. And was there one other one? I'm the fucking worst. I never know. Amazon.com. Was there one other one? I think I don't give a shit. Was there one?

It's the holidays. What are you gonna do? Anyways, let's plow ahead here. What else did I want to talk about? Oh, I actually I got a feeling that now that the Broncos have home field advantage, dude, they're looking like that they could possibly do it. You know, I was hoping the Giants were going to make the playoffs because I had this this football fantasy, not fantasy football, it's a football fantasy. All right, so don't get it fucking twisted. I had this football fantasy that the Patriots somehow with their defense win the championship this year. And Brady beats both Manning brothers. He beats Peyton like he always does. And then he beats fucking Eli for the first time, even though

he fucking should have beat him last year. Yeah, fucking motherfuckers. Sorry. But the Giants didn't make the playoffs. So what are you gonna fucking do? You know, what are you gonna do? But I don't, I don't know, I like that Gronk is back, but I don't like our I just don't like our fucking defense. You know, I still think we're at least a year or two away. I've said it every fucking week. And you know, when you play that fucking game, we're going to score 35 points before you do. It just doesn't work in January. There you go. I've said my piece. And speaking of Boston sports, I'm really getting into the Celtics now. This is how much I like punishment. Like what is their tapering down? Is there spiraling down? I actually,

you know what it is? I like the building of the castle, not standing back looking at it. Like I like watching the Celtics right now, because I like trying to figure out what their problem is. And as far as I can tell is we have absolutely no defensive presence. Nobody's afraid to go to the rack. We got nobody. You know, Garnett has fought enough wars for the love of God. Can you get the guy some help? We got absolutely spanked by the fucking clippers the other night. I watched that whole goddamn game. I know a lot of people shut it off or whatever, but I'm really glad I didn't go to that game, because that would have been really annoying.

To listen to all those LA fans fucking trash in the Celtics. And I would know that well, I can't say that they're right because they would just be going, you know, Celtics are bitches and that type. They wouldn't be like breaking down the game, but that's not what they do out here. They just say you're bitches. And then, you know, I don't know what three people stomp on a father with this with his two kids there. That's what that's what LA fans do. That's what they do. But for some reason, Philly fans keep getting respect like they're the craziest people ever. Anyways, but like I was just watching that game and I was our record at that point, I became like 14 and 14. And I was like, that is the exact record

that we should be because we are a middle of the pack team. And I don't know, went up to golden state. Last I saw, I was, I was working that night. We were down by like 17. It's a rough road trip for us, but I'm going to enjoy watching us try and put it back together. And Danny age did it one time. I'm hoping he can do it again. And it's going to be fucking brutal. But as long as the, you know, as long as the Lakers don't win it, I think I'm good. I think I'm good. I'm actually slowly becoming a Knicks fan because they're on TV all the fucking time. So that JR Smith watched the replay of that game, hit those two ridiculous shots, one to win it. I can't remember who the fuck they beat because I'm so not an NBA fan.

But Knicks can't beat the bulls though. So far they can. All right, I'm in way over my head. I'm just starting to watch it because evidently, there's gonna be no fucking hockey this year. You know, I got this great tradition out here every year when the Bruins come to town and they play the Kings. I go there with a bunch of buddies of mine. We just have a great time. And LA King fans are cool. They're great fans. They're not dicks or whatever. You know, and I don't go there wearing all my Boston shit, just trying to be an obnoxious ass. I cheer on the Bruins or whatever, but I'm not a cunt. I would go there and congratulate the Kings fans on their championship because, you know, they're good people. I don't have a problem with them.

So anyway, so let's, let's get on with some, some fucking questions for the week here. Bill Finland, get your show to Finland ASAP. Could use some gloves here in this freezing country. Sincerely, all the Finns. You know what, sir? Normally, I would trash you for acting as though you speak for your entire country, but the fact that you're inviting me saying that everybody there wants to go, I'll take that. I'll take that nice fucking blow to the ego in a good way. I'm actually, I came up with a great idea for how I'm going to tour that part of the world next year. And I'm going to run it by my agent on the, literally on the second. I got a great idea

of great promotional way that I'm going to try and fucking do that. And I definitely want to come over there again without a fucking doubt because I went to Anderson Cooper, who was keeping everybody honest. And I realized why I don't fucking watch the news. It was just it's, uh, what do we got here? Here's some sort of the top fucking stories, but bus skids down and bank mint kills nine. So I put that on and it was a bunch of people on a bus coming back from Las Vegas going all the way up to Vancouver. You know what I mean? And that's one of those things right there where I just, you just make sure not believe in a God, you know, or maybe God was like they've had enough, but it's like, isn't it enough that, you know, you're obviously,

but what the fuck kind of money are you making? If you got to take a bus from Vancouver all the way down to fucking Vegas, right? You didn't win enough money to buy a fucking ticket to fly back. You get back on the goddamn bus. You're sitting there. 100 bottles of beer on the wall, 100 bottles of beer going all the way fucking back with maybe a bucket full of quarters that you wanted some slots. Isn't that enough? You got to slide down a fucking embankment. And that's the thing, it killed nine people. They don't talk about all the other people probably had injuries that you know lifelong going to be nagging them. It's just brutal. They had that. They had the guy who said he's Jesus dying mom's YouTube goodbye. Right? I didn't even watch that one.

Five year old finds porn on Christmas gift. Dad delivers breach baby on side of road. There you go. They always give you one to fucking, you know, for every 10 horrific ones. Listen to pilot explain stuck in the mud. I had to watch that one. Some Southwest pilot was taxiing to go to go take off and he just fucking drove off the runway. And now the FAA is going to investigate what happened. Isn't it obvious what happened? He was texting, you know, who hasn't done that? He was texting. It's too early in the flight to talk your way into a fucking handjob. There's, you know, that's the only other thing that could be distracting you to that point.

How does that happen? You playing patty cake with the fucking co-pilot? I want to hear that black box. I bet the engineer is there still three people up there when I was a kid. There was one guy back there who just turned some knobs. The other guys just sat there with their mustaches waiting to take off. Did that other guy who turns the knobs as they were sitting there playing, you know, Eddie and Johnny sitting in a tree when they were fucking doing that shit? Is that a patty cake song? I don't know. That's got to be on the black box. Whatever song they were singing, whatever the fuck they were talking about. And then the guy in the back going guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. And then they go into the mud or maybe it was the guy who sits

behind them. Guys, guys, here's my impression. This is fucking Michael Jackson meets and they're turning around looking at it. Is there anything more pathetic than the wheels on a plane? You know what I mean? You ever see like when somebody buys like a fucking brand new pickup, but they get the most the bare bones version and they basically have like the pussiest looking tires you ever they can't even fill up the wheel. Well, you literally can see that the coils and the side of the engine, the tires so fucking small. There's nothing more like that than than the wheels on a plane. They're just sad and pathetic. And I always wondered why they didn't get bigger rims. Oh, wait a minute. Am I talking about a soul plane right now?

You know what? I think they had that right. You know what? Some nerds actually probably gonna write in actually the weight of the rims would actually affect the vector. Is that the right word? All right, let's get back to here. Finland. I'm definitely coming over there. Hopefully in the next year, my calendar is filling up. I'm just waiting for the links so I can tell you guys where I'm coming. I guess it wouldn't harm if I could tell you guys what cities I'm going to. Would you like a teaser? Here's the deal. I can tell you something that I'm definitely going to be at right now. All right. I'm going to be at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California on January 10th. I'm going to be at the Republic in Hawaii, Honolulu, Hawaii on January 26th. I'm going to be at the

Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts, February 21st and 22nd. I can't give you dates here, but just to perk your ears up in case you hear your city. This is like school cancellations. Back in the day when you're waiting to hear your town. If we're all used, all the youths who don't live in a state or a part of the world where school would get canceled because of snow, we used to listen to it on the radio, right? Or watch the news or something like that. And they would be like, the following schools have been canceled due to whatever, snowfall and they would be like Winthrop, North Reading, Reading. You just be sitting at Fall River just waiting for your, you know, and then they get to whatever, whatever your town began with, whatever letter

and you just fucking sitting there. It was the greatest thing ever. No school because of snow. You didn't have to fake sick or anything. So anyways, here we go. Here's the list of cities so far that I'm going to be at starting in March. I don't, I can't give you, I guess I can give you dates. March 7th through the 9th, I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and Grand Rapids, Michigan. March 22nd, 23rd, I'll be in Indianapolis and then Minneapolis. In April, I'll be in Atlanta, Tallahassee, Miami Beach, Austin, Texas, Dallas, and Kansas City haven't been there forever. In May, I'll be in Las Vegas at the Mirage, Red Bank, New Jersey, Baltimore, Maryland,

Easton, whatever the fuck that is, Atlantic City, is that all Jersey? I'll be in Chicago in June, also in Pittsburgh. I'm going to be in a bunch of places, Hyannis, Hampton, Newport, this is July, Montreal, Foxwoods in August, in November, Philly, New York City, and Washington DC. If your city was not called, then you have school. That's it so far. So somewhere in there, I'm going to fucking slam a European trip in there and now it's all going to be good. But back to the podcast everybody, sorry. I feel like the funny hasn't been coming here for a few minutes. Let me see if I get back to it. All right, self-deprecating, Bill. Hey, Bill, I can't keep from hating myself. I have

like obsessive self-hatred and no matter what I accomplished, some dark part of my brain is always going to shit on it. You'd think some insecurity would help push me to better myself, but this is to such a severe degree, I can hardly function because of the resulting anxiety and stress. I have a feeling you can relate to an amount of this. Yeah, you really went out on a limb there, especially since you're also a musician and shit on your playing ability as much as I do mine, and was hoping you could offer some advice in how you try to remain positive if you fucking even do. Thanks, Merry Christmas. All right, Merry Christmas. I hope you had a good Christmas. Well, you've actually, I think you've gone over the toughest hurdles. So one of the hardest hurdles,

the first one is actually addressing that you do that. One of the hardest things to do is to stand outside yourself and sort of watch your thoughts and watch how your brain is functioning, rather than just thinking a thought, taking it as law, and then letting your body go into a state of anxiety and stress and all the stuff that you're talking about. What I try to do to try to stave off those demons is I just try to just analyze my thought process when I'm starting to think negative and everything. I just kind of just almost take like a time out and just literally be like, okay, now if I actually like take that thought as law, like how is that going to make me feel and how is that going to help me? This day, whatever this day is, December 31st, 2012,

is only going to happen once. Is it going to be another one in the shit column or I can make it positive? And then I just try and I don't know, go to the gym, go play drums, do something fucking positive, try a new joke or something like that. But what I try not to do is fucking, I don't know, just let that thought grab me by the neck and just pull me down to the bottom of the lagoon. It's really like a choice unless you have, I guess some sort of clinical depression where it's literally like a chemical, at which point I'm in way over my head and you should go see a doctor. So I would, I don't know, did your parents suck? Were they assholes? Were they always shitting on everything you did? Or maybe they loved you, but like they had a

fearful way of looking at the world and they always came up with something negative. Maybe it's something like that. But at some point you kind of got to turn the bus around. I mean, that that would just be my advice. That's kind of how kind of how it works for me. But I don't know. I feel like in the middle of the night, I have my most negative thoughts. And I'm just fucking tossing and turning. And Nia told me last night said, are you okay? She woke me up, goes, are you okay? And I said, yeah, why? She goes, you were moaning. Go moaning. Like moaning to me is like, like sexual. And she's like, no, not like that. Like you were in pain. So I don't know. But then when I wake up, I always, I don't know. I'm always in

a positive mood when I wake up, you know, because I wake up next to my girl, I see her and then I see my dog, my dog wants to go out. And so I start off in a real positive thing. But there's something at night, my demons come out at night. I don't know what it is. I have like fucked up dreams. I always have dreams where I'm beating the shit out of the person, but I can't fucking get them to like, just stay down. They just keep getting up or I'm throwing punches really fucking slow. And they have a knife, and they're going to try and kill me, but they can't, they can't quite kill me. And I can't quite knock them out. I don't know. And I don't know what any of that fucking means. And I went to therapy and all that shit. And after a while, I just,

you know, I was just like, you know, you can't shine shit. Well, I'm just wasting my money here. Jesus, that was brutal. So all right, Bill, I hope that helps you a little bit. I would read books about positive thought. I'd go to therapy. I would, I would literally attack your depression like you had it, like somebody who has a weight problem starts going on a treadmill and starts eating right. I would literally, rather than just sitting there feeling the hopelessness of it, go on the attack. And I really hope you turn it around to because life doesn't give a fuck. It sucks. Like it doesn't care if you have a bad life. It's, it's all on you. You got to come up with the game plan and that can be overwhelming, but like just, you know, the whole fucking

cliched one day at a time, but life doesn't give a fuck if you don't get the girl. It doesn't give a fuck if you become homeless. It's not, you know, that whole guardian angel horseshit that this little tinkerbell on your shoulder trying to guide you. It's bullshit. It's, it's, it's on you. And I know that that can be overwhelming, but it's, it's a powerful way of looking at your life. Like you, you have the control to make it good or bad, you know, and I'll be selling my books on tape. Dental assistant, billion. I recently, I recently watched a talk show appearance you posted on your Twitter. You mentioned, yeah, I did the, the Willie Hunter show. And I think that that's what I posted when that fucking twat that I'd like to choke to death

with a garden hose sent me that tweet. Yeah, I was on the Willie Hunter show and he said, you mentioned you were a dental assistant for your father. Did you ever consider becoming a dentist? Did you ever, did your father ever have ambitions for you to become anything in particular? No, my dad, my parents were great. Like they, they wanted you to base, they didn't force anything on you. It was like, whatever you wanted to do, um, they, they supported it 100%. And I remember being working with my dad in the dental office when I told him that I was going to become a comedian. We were in like the break room. And I remember I was sitting there like going like, how is this guy going to take this when he has such a classic, like stable job here?

You know, that I'm going to tell him that I'm going to fucking basically make a living, try to make a living doing exactly what he's been yelling at me for, for the last fucking 20 years of my life, which was fucking off and acting like an idiot and screwing around all the shit that, you know, when he would give me a Christ hit the box in a town clown when he would be giving me shit, which I totally deserved because if you ever saw the grades I got in school, I mean, they, they, they are, they are horrific, fucking horrific. The high water mark for me was like a C minus or a C like I was, it was brutal. I went to head to go to summer school every fucking year of high school, except my sophomore year

because my math teacher hooked me up in my senior year. I should have gone. I just didn't give a fuck. It was like, what's the point? You know what I mean? That's like, you got the ball with 10 seconds left and what are you going to do? You just fucking, you know, you're down by 30. Yeah, I just throw up a half court shot. Did it go in? Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter, you know. So no, I mean, for half a second, you know what, you know what I did like? I liked the, I liked the pouring up models when I was in, when I was in the dental office. That was my favorite thing. I was in the back. I was isolated. I wasn't around anybody and it tapped into that little kid thing, a plane in mud. And he used to pour up the models and they had this vibrating

thing and you had to tap on it to make sure you got all the bubbles out. And I prided myself on not being able, you know, of having it without no having no bubbles. If you got bubbles, if there was bubbles on the bottom, basically, you know, when they stick that pink shit in your mouth, they got to take an impression of your teeth. Then somebody's got to take that out of your mouth, go into the back room and then you got it. You got to mix this powder with water up in those little green rubber bowls. Jesus, this is all coming back to me. And then you poured it into the fucking impression you took. And then there was this thing that sounded exactly like your cell phone vibrating on a table. And you just, you just tapped it on that to get all the

air bubbles out of it. And if you didn't do it enough, after one of the things set and you took it out, if the bubbles were at the bottom, that's where the teeth were, the most crucial thing, the exact fucking thing that trying to get a gauge on so they can, you know, whatever the hell they were trying to do, make a bridge or something. The whole thing would be fucked. And then you couldn't go and just re pour the model into that same mold because somehow like it had shrunk up a little bit and it wouldn't be accurate. And my dad used to flip out. He would, he would take him off and be like, Christ, there's air bubbles in this. You know, and it was beyond your boss yelling at you. It was also my dad. So I already had,

you know, I was going through my fucking teenage and early twenties when you're rebelling the most against you. I already had to live with the guy and then I was working with him. It was fucking hilarious. And he used to give me shit. Like, you know, like I was his kid, but we really had, we actually talked about how we had to tone that shit down because it didn't come off as professional in front of patients or whatever. But, but that was a part. I thought if I ever got into dentistry that I would, I would, I would work in the lab. I liked that part of it. Like, and not just pouring up the models, like the actual, I don't know, there was a precision to it that I liked. I didn't like the, I didn't like the,

uh, the front line shit going in the mouth with all that crap and look at people's fucking horrific teeth, just horrible fucking teeth. All my jokes were about that shit when I first started. I told you guys that story, right? I used to work totally clean when I first started stand up. And not because I wanted to be this comedy purist. I just was afraid of offending somebody in the crowd, getting heckled, not having a comeback, losing my place in my act and then bombing horrifically and, and just having my career and total fear, catastrophizing like way of looking at it. And, yeah, Jesus Christ, that really just fucking brought me back to, I was standing on stage at stitches, fucking somebody heckled me, was at the vault in Boston, somebody heckled me and I

completely lost my fucking train of thought and I had nothing. And I didn't, and it took me like basically three seconds to, to, to read, to remember what the fuck I was talking about. And, it was the longest three seconds of my life. And I didn't know enough to just say to the crowd, like, what the fuck was I talking about? Because they'll tell you, they'll remember, they're not nervous, they're listening. They're not having like this outer body experience. But anyways, I remember people would come into the dental office and their teeth would just be just, just an absolute fucking mess. And they could tell you right now, I hate coming to the dentist. And it's like, yeah, dude, I can smell it. You don't have to smile. I can tell you don't like

coming to dentists. You don't even like fucking brushing your teeth. This one guy said, this one of the first jokes I did, oh, that's right. So I would work totally fucking clean. And then my last act, my, and you just, you know, when I looked like a young Ron Howard, I looked like Richie Cunningham. And I was totally clean and I was clever. And I had these perfect talk show monologue jokes. And everyone was going like, Oh dude, you're going to do the tonight show. And this is going to be perfect and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the last joke in my act, I quoted this patient who kept having to get fillings and root canals. And he said, doc, you know, I don't understand what's going on. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day.

And then my, my snappy come back to that that I thought of that later became the last joke of my act. I said, really, do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? And that's what I would close with after working totally clean. I would say that disgusting line. Do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit having everybody in the crowd after looking at this fucking Norman Rockwell come to life fucking character wholesome as hell, right? And I really was back then as opposed to the piece of shit that I am now after 20 years on the road that I became. And I literally, they had to conjure up pictures of somebody skipping wiping their ass and just that whole and they would just literally recoil. Then I would just be like, you know, thanks a lot.

Good night, everybody. You were great. And I had another horrible one that I did where I actually brought a prop on stage. And if you'd like to see that, I tell the story on the Willie Hunter show. And Willie's an up and coming comic at the comedy store. And he's the guy who threw the hula hoop took the hula hoop from that girl and fucking threw it into the street. I tell that story to if you want to see that shit, check out his show. I tweeted about it. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Winding down here on the podcast. Fight question, Bill. So me and this kid decided that we would have a little boxing match. That's funny. How quickly before that went from the parameters that you guys said. All right, no real hitting here. Just kind of body shots. How quickly before it

turned into just complete anger. Anyways, he said he didn't know that I hated him. Oh, dude, you're evil. You're a fucking evil dude. So me and this kid decided that we'd have a little boxing match. He didn't know that I hated him. Fuck you, dude, you wanted to beat the shit out of this kid. You talked them into it. Just the fact that you said a little boxing match and you're trying to like tone down. You and this kid decided that you would have a boxing match, a little boxing match. He didn't know that I hated him. So I was determined to rock his fucking dome. But we start fighting and he's kicking the shit out of me. That's hilarious. He goes, I finally hit him right in his temple and his fat ass gets knocked the fuck out.

So about a week later, he found out that he broke his hand in my face. So he tells all the bitches that he actually won because he broke because he broke his hand and couldn't punch that hard after he broke it. Does that sound like bullshit to you? It kind of seems like you both got what you deserved. You fucking hated him. So you wanted to fight him. Evidently, he's a douche. So he got knocked out and his hand got broken. He fucked you up a little bit and then now he's walking around bragging about it. But yeah, it is bullshit. It is bullshit. You won that fight. You knocked him out. You took what you took his fucking punches, you know, and then I just realized I was being an asshole there. You weren't asking me if either

one of you guys was the bigger cunt. You're just asking who won the fight. You definitely won the fight. You definitely won the fight. And he's fat. So you went in on two different levels. So as far as I see, you went, you got two belts. You got the fighting of the boxing belts and you got the better shape than you. So congratulations. You know what you could do? You could fight him again, although you would be risking losing because it sounded like he was getting the best in the beginning. But you know, why don't you guys do that? Why don't you have your fucking your trilogy? Maybe he wins the next one, then you have the rubber match and then you put it on local cable access pay per view. Right? You charge a little bit of money. No,

you charge tickets. This is what you do. You got to become friends with that fat douche. All right. And you do just what boxes do you pretend, you know, like you have this animosity, like you don't have this deal, like there's not a big fucking. I mean, you really do have the animosity, but like there's a bunch of money at stake. So you talk a bunch of fucking shit. Right. So more people show up to the next one. All right. And you take a dive in the next one. You let the fat fuck beat you. So now everybody's choosing and you say that he cheated and you say fuck you and then you say I beat you the first time and he says fuck you. I broke my hand. I could have won you build up

to all this big fucking hissy fit. Then you have the rubber match and only you guys know that this one's real and you charge everybody a dollar. You fucking have it at the local wreck place. Do you guys even have wreck rooms anymore? Are you too busy on your fucking smartphones playing video games? Is there a place where you hang out? Then you got that kid in your grade who already has a mustache. He buys booze for everybody. Right. You charge money for the booze. Maybe that's what you do. Somehow you make a little bit of money out of it. And then out for the rest of time, when you go back to your high school reunion, it's going to be this awesome thing that you did, this fucking entertainment. You know, you might be slurring a little bit,

but I think that would be great to have your own fucking thriller in Manila. It's my two cents. All right, here we go. Hire a ref. Maybe one of your friends works at athletes' foot so you already has the fucking shirt. You know, see what I'm saying? There's a whole wonderful world out there of entertainment. If you guys get your faces out of your smartphone, go back to do what we did when we were kids. You didn't virtually punch somebody in the head. You did it for real. You know, I gotta go to a doctor. I can't even laugh without coughing anymore. I sound like a fucking minor. All right, soon to be brother-in-law douche. Okay, here's the situation. My wife has an older sister, and she's been dating the same

guy for nearly 20 years now. I was literally thinking about something else, so I don't even know what I just said. I gotta reread this. Okay, here's the situation. My wife has an older sister, and she's been dating the same guy for nearly 20 years. All right, my wife was only eight years old when this guy started to come around the house. So naturally, she becomes close to him because she was always hanging around her sister, and this guy's over for the next few years. Okay, I get it. Let's jump ahead now to where I come into the picture. When I start dating my wife, we hung out with her sister and her fiance at the time a bunch of times. But this guy is a know-it-all and a materialistic prick. So I quickly knew me and this guy would never hang out

other than if family functions and get-togethers, which is totally fine. That's totally fine. You got a good head on your shoulders. That's exactly it. All I gotta do is smile and wave with some eggnog in my hand once a fucking year, maybe at a birthday, or maybe a cookout, and then that's it. And I suggest not getting drunk at those events because your real thoughts will probably come out, at least in the car ride home. When you're sitting there, I can drive, I can drive, and then it's going to be all of that shit. Whatever, I didn't want to go anyways, because he's a fucking dick. And you're going to do that whole thing. Anyways, here we go. After a few years of dating, we buy a house and are about to get married. Okay, Bill, sorry for the boring shit so far,

but here's where the story starts. Now comes the time where you have to pick people to be in your wedding party. I have three brothers and three real close friends that I would consider brothers, and I could only pick five because that's the number that we had that we came to make things even out. We are not rich, so we couldn't afford a giant wedding. So it's pretty obvious that I have the slots filled and still have one close person left out. Where here comes the part with a douchebag sister's boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriends because they called off the wedding four years ago and got back together just recently engaged again this Christmas. She makes a giant stink about not being, oh, he makes a giant, what? The guy makes a giant stink about not being asked to

be the best man. Yeah, I said the best man. Yeah, this guy's a dick. This fucking cunt really expects me to put him as my best man at my wedding. I never even hung out with this moron in like four years, and like I've mentioned, these spots were already filled with friends being left out anyways. Oh, other people feel like they're being left out anyways. Well, his side of the story is that he treated my wife like a sister even better than his own sister, and he felt that my wife should have included him into the wedding party. Now to be fair to my wife, dude, I don't need to read the rest of this. This fucking goes on forever, by the way. It's like another two. Listen, it's your wedding. Out of a courtesy to you, I guess I got to read some of this.

There has to be a reason why this was sent to me and it's just fucking long. Do you guys want to hear the rest of it? Come on, you probably have stewed. You want to hear the rest of this? If you don't click off, I don't give a fuck. All right. What the hell was I? Now to be fair to my wife, she did tell me what he wanted her to do, and she knew it wasn't going to happen. So obviously, he was not going to be in the wedding party. Instead, we asked for him to be an usher. That's hilarious. Yeah, standing in the back of the church, stupid. Whatever the fuck you call it. When you're that guy that helps the old ladies to their seats and whatnot. Dude, I think that's even funnier than not having a minute. So anyways, well, not only did he decline,

he also refused to go to the wedding entirely. What a fucking bitch. You know what? He's got that Kobe Jean unless he's scoring 30. He doesn't want to be a part of it. Go fuck yourself. Anyways, I didn't give a fuck because the guy is to a conversation what a smelly yogurt gushing. Okay. All right. I didn't want it. I didn't want anyone in my family or any of my friends to ever know this guy exists. Okay. So basically you're like awesome wedding. Now I won't get into all the stupid shit this guy did over the next year, but he started a bunch of bullshit in the family, including two particular phone calls to my wife in which he spent two hours screaming and belittling my wife about him not being in the wedding. This guy's crazy.

Mixed with a whole lot of other held in frustrations this guy had. If you ever wonder, wondering what my wife's sister does about all this, the answer is nothing. She's a jellyfish standing idly by her man. Sad motherfuckers. But anyways, I was cool planning on never seeing this asshole again, except maybe at the inevitable funeral or something like that. So well, he just popped the question again to the jellyfish. There get, yeah, he probably asked her to get married just so he could not invite you. He goes, now this is the ball flicker of this email people. I'm in the last paragraph, by the way. The word is he's going to ask me to be his best man. Oh, he went the other way. Oh my God, dude, you realize this psycho is probably

getting married to this woman he doesn't even love. He asked her, he, oh my God, this guy is a fucking sociopath. Wow. Wow. Just a rubbing my wife's face like he's the better person of some shit. Dude, turn him down. Just, dude, you got to clear the fucking air. Be like, dude, I don't, you're not my best man because I don't like you. Anyways, he goes, it's bad enough that I wanted to capitate this dude already for the shit he said to my wife, but how the fuck am I going to handle it when he asked me to be his best man? Obviously, I'm not going to do it, but I'm just wondering how you would tell him to fuck himself in such a way that that it will bother him deep in his brain to the point where he can't sleep at night because of how badly he was punked. This guy thinks his

shit don't stink already. So it's not as simple as, no, I won't be your best man and go fuck yourself. He would win in my eyes if that happened. I need some heavy duty ammo for this fucking flaming narcissist. All right, dude, this guy is drawing you in to a trap. All right. He's drawing you into a trap. Have you ever told your wife to be that you don't like the guy? Just say, listen, I respect the fact that what he is to you, but I just don't get along with the guy. Okay. And it's in, it's your wedding. You have the right to pick the best man. And the fact that this guy throws a fucking hissy fit that he's not the best man is beyond psychotic. It's beyond psychotic behavior. Okay. And, and just tell your wife that the reason why you're declining

to be his best man is because you feel that it's not coming from the heart. He's actually using a major portion of his wedding as a way to try to get even like tit for tat and try to make you look like a bad guy. Dude, this guy's just a complete psycho. All right. You love this girl. You want to get married to her. You guys have the right to pick who you want to pick. And everybody should honor that. And the fact that this guy not only cannot handle it, he's been calling up and screaming at your wife rather than you rather than being a man. I would just ask the guy to go out and have a drink and just sit the guy down and just say, listen, you've been screaming at my wife for the last year. Okay. That alone. I don't want to be your

best man. I don't want to be your best man because you yell at my wife. That's why for me to be your best man would then be like me saying it's okay for you to yell at my wife. Okay. You shouldn't ask me to be your best man. What you should have done is you should be a man and go apologize to my wife. I would go some route like that. But the worst thing that you can do is get drawn into this thing where now you're trying to come at this guy like, oh, he's going to try and get me. I'm going to try and get him. This guy's going to win because he's drawn you into this fucking trend. This guy's out of his fucking mind. You guys have a wedding. You picked your best man. He couldn't handle it. He screamed at your wife. That didn't work. So now he's getting married and

now he's asking you to be his best man. I don't even think you talk to the guy. Just talk to your wife. Just be a listen. I don't know what this guy's deal is, but he's freaking me out. This guy freaks me out. I don't know what his deal is. Okay. I have a right to pick my best man. I did. This guy should have been a gentleman and accepted it. Instead, he called up and berated you numerous times for a couple hours on the phone. I wanted to say something to him, but I didn't want to disrupt the family. I was a gentleman and now he's asking me to be his best man and just decline him. Just say, no, I don't want to do it. Just leave it at that and then let him pout.

Just let that guy keep pouting, but don't get drawn into the emotion of it and then think that you have to have an epic. No, just say, no, I don't want to do it. All right. Jesus Christ. I want 14 minutes. This is the longest podcast ever. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Happy New Year. 2013 is going to be better than ever. If you make an effort, if you make an effort to find, I'm getting this fucking horseshit. I don't even believe it myself. All right. You are who you are. Fucking accept it and fucking settle in for another year of this bullshit. All right, go fuck yourself. I'll try to get the mold out

of my goddamn system by next week. All right. Oh, Rose Bulls tomorrow. So please do not sleep on next week's podcast. We're going all out once again, and we have to try and top the previous fucking four years. Four years. All right, go fuck yourselves.