Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-17

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Bill rambles about la-z-boys, college playoffs and nosy neighbors.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until the 15th of April, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Yeah, there we go. I just realized I just gave Dean Delray a check and I wrote December 5th on it. I thought tomorrow was December 5th. Well, it is by the time you hear this, but I did this Sunday night. Ah, fuck. I gotta tell him not to deposit the check.

Well, he can still deposit it, right? And then they don't fuck in. Whatever. Dean Delray opened for me this weekend. Holy shit, we got the levels up too high here. They're too high. I can't hear myself thinking here. For God's sakes, could you just shut it down, please? Thank you. Dude, I'm fucking sitting there.

Dude, I'm sitting there, minding my own business, in my house, my fucking house. Fuck you, bankers. It's mine now until I die and then you get it back. Don't you get cunts. They just sit there waiting. If you ever pay off your house, look out your window. There'll be a banker sitting out there like a fucking, like a goddamn vulture waiting for you to fucking look at them.

Look at me and bacon. I guess bacon's good for you now. I don't know what the fuck. I don't know what the, I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyways, I wonder what room I'm going to die in in this house. You ever think about that? When you just get the house, like, I'm not fucking leaving. I'm staying here, right?

And then you just, when you, once you make that decision, you're like, well, then I'm going to fucking die in here. What room is it going to be? I think a lot of people die at breakfast nooks. You know, just sitting down having some toast, reading the morning paper. That wouldn't be a bad way to go. Just go face down until like fucking half piece of grapefruit.

Honey. What room would you want to die in? You don't want to do it in the shower, right? That's fucking awful and you're all waterlogged. You know, bang your head on the fucking, a lot of people die in the shower. They slip and fall, you know, and they can't get up, right? And that's why they came out with that fucking,

that thing there for all the old people. But what a lot of people don't realize is a lot of them fall in the fucking shower and then they go to use their little, I've fallen and I can't get up thing and then they get electrocuted. I don't think that happens, but I would be worried about that. Trying to drag my old pruned ass out of the fucking tub. Oh my God. That's got to be the worst.

When you get so old, you're afraid to take a shower. You got to bring like a fucking lazy boy in there. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. That just fucking struck me. It's funny. You just got a giant lazy. You got a recliner in your shower.

So it's waterproof. I don't know the fuck. I like, I love that flashlight that just came out that runs on water. I mean, give me, what are we doing? What the fuck are we doing in the Middle East? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Just put that in a fucking car.

Stick 20 of those flashlights in the car. I'll drive slower. Let's just get out of there already. All right. The fuck we think we're doing. You know what the Middle East is like? Middle East is like you're a civilian and you get in the middle of like a domestic violence fucking incident, you know, and you try to break it up.

You know, in the second you go to break it up, the woman starts beating on you and get off my abusive husband. That's what it's like over there. Just fucking get those water flashlights. This is what you do. You get those water flashlights and you put them into fucking scooters that everybody has to ride a scooter, whether you're fat or old or whatever, you got to ride one and cars are illegal.

All right. The amount of people wiping out and dying, right? Freeze up the fucking traffic. We're not using much oil and then they go bankrupt over there. How about that? There. Did I solve the Middle Easter promise? I'm going to do that every week.

Every week I'm going to have a new fucking solution for the Middle East. Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I just, can you imagine just having a giant fucking recliner, you know, and then you have like that little grabby thing and you just turn on the fucking water. What are those grabby things? You know, you fucking, you pull the handle and then you got an extra, like the fucking groceries. They always grab like a can of soup or some shit.

What? What do you want? Beef or broccoli? Whatever. They go up there and they fucking yank it down. I don't know. That doesn't happen anymore. There's no, there's no regular person running a fucking grocery store anymore.

Is there? Grocery stores are fucking weird, man. They kind of like the food version of a casino. Like you just feel like there's somebody up in the ceiling watching you buying like a two-way mirror when you go in there. There's really nothing stopped. But yeah, one time I walked to this grocery store at Patrice and we acted like fucking children.

He got me going like he was so fucking silly. I remember one time he just goes, we were going and he was staying at my apartment for pilot season. Both of us creeps trying to get on must see TV. Yeah. How do you think that worked out? So we were in like Ralph's or some shit. And he just kept going, hey, Bill, you want some of these?

And when he would go to point at it, he would like, he'd have his hand way too close to the bag and he was like bread or something. He goes, Bill, you need some of this? And he was, he would just push his finger into like fucking three slices of bread through the wrapper and he just started doing that around the grocery store. And I was fucking crying, laughing. He did it to cookies. He was doing it to fruit and these giant fucking fingers.

Hey, Bill, you want one of these? He just like all the way through the fucking thing. And I'm immature as fuck. And it was just making me fucking cry, laughing. He's a comedian. So he just kept doing it. And I was trying to do it. I couldn't even, you know, my fingers weren't, I don't know.

I was laughing too hard. I couldn't fucking do it as good as him. Anyways, Jesus, I hadn't thought about that for fucking ever. And I want to apologize. Maybe it wasn't Ralph's. What the fuck were we? I always hated Ralph's. You know, just a fucking pain in the ass.

The one that was down the street. I used to live off a sunset and there was a Ralph's. It used to be called rock and roll Ralph's. Everything was rock and roll Denny's rock and roll Ralph's subs back, like leftover from the hair metal shit. You know, the rock and roll Hyatt right next to fucking the comedy store. John Bonham used to ride motorcycles. There's some shit into the fucking thing.

I don't know what. I have no idea what the fuck it was. I even know where we were at. Jesus Christ. I haven't thought of that in forever. What the fuck was they talking about? I was talking about being an old man with a recliner and a goddamn shower. Whatever.

That moment's come and gone. That's what happens on the podcast. I just fucking talk and whatever happens, it happens. By the way, I would like to thank everybody that came out to Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had a great fucking time at Route 66 casino. That's the second time I played there. I fucking love that place. The crowd was awesome.

And then the next, the next last night I played in Tucson, Arizona, another great town. Just fucking great people. Great parts of the country. And fun fucking crowds. And I got to tell you, I'm acting like a fucking idiot on stage. I think it's my reaction to this fucking, this weird fog that is starting to roll in, slowly rolling in over the last five years on stand-up comedy where all of a sudden I sit there on stage and sometimes I think after I say something like, did somebody record

that? Am I going to get into trouble? I never thought that the first fucking 20 years of my career in the last five years, I'm creeping into my head. And in order to beat it down, I, I don't know, I think I'm going a little harder. Somebody's got, there's got to be some sort of pushback on this fucking vibe that's out there that everything is so goddamn serious now. Jesus fucking Christ.

A couple of guys want to be women. A couple of guys take their dicks out at work. And then all of a sudden everybody's got a little, how did he mean that joke? Is that a joke or is that legislation for a new law? Like this whole fucking vibe that's out there, it's, it's, it's really weird. And fucking young people are acting like old people, you know? And I think that's cause they're on social media and all that shit and they're just watching this stuff 24 seven.

It's like fucking, I don't know, it's fucking up their brains. I mean, come on millennials. You got to do something that's, you're supposed to make me uncomfortable. That is a music. Christ, what are they doing? You know, I guess they have that new documentary meth town on fucking HBO. Dean Delray told me to watch that. I can't fucking watch that shit.

I'm not going to watch a bunch of toothless fucking people. Those goddamn people, I swear to God, they look like they're from the 1800s. That's how bad they fuck their faces up with that meth shit. I'll tell you, once you lose your fucking teeth, you look like you're 80. I don't care how old you are. You could take one of those gorgeous Victoria's secret models. If they don't have any fucking teeth and they didn't get a partial or a fucking implant, whatever the fuck you call them.

Dentures are some, if you just walk around toothless, you immediately look, you look like Homer Simpson's fucking that guy that falls asleep as dad. Is it his dad? That grandfather, right? I don't know. Yeah. So I had that on. I was talking to someone on the phone and Dean kept telling me, you got to see it, dude.

You got to see it. And even Dean said, man, I fucking shut this thing off like three times because it's fucking brutal. So I just had the sound down and I was watching all these toothless fucking people with these crazed looks on their faces. And I was on the phone and at one point I just saw somebody kicking dog shit. Like piles of dog shit, different piles all around the house, like hoarding dog shit out of the way in this person's house with newspaper all over it and stuff. And that's when I turned the channel.

I don't know about you guys, but I drew the line at the, I drew the line at the dog shit. There's a few things that make me turn the channel. Okay, drug addicts with dog shit in their house and, and strong female characters make me turn the channel. And not because I have anything against a strong female character. It's just that they don't develop them. I think everybody in Hollywood is so afraid of getting yelled at by these women's groups that they just throw in these strong female characters, but they don't, they don't make

a three dimensional character. They just have a woman yelling at guys and grabbing them by their fucking lapels of their suit and throwing them over couches and shit. It's like they took like leftover Steven Seagal shit and they're like, well, give it to the woman here. See, she's strong. All of a sudden every fucking show. Hey, fuck you with your dick and balls.

Just like, who is this fucking person? This guy outweighs everybody like a fucking hundred pounds. What am I watching? I watched that recently. I'm not even going to say the fucking show, but I'm watching this guy. This guy's like 40 fucking years old. He's talking to a 19 year old redneck woman who lives next to a fucking lake in the middle of Arkansas.

She's having a battle of wits with them and she's winning. Mike Jesus fucking Christ. The fuck, what kind of a fucking 19 year old can beat a fucking 50 year old guy in a battle of wits? What's it talking about? Fucking Nintendo, whatever the fucking kids playing Nintendo. Sorry, whatever you guys play. I'm not a gamer.

All right. I used to be a boo sound. I'm still not drinking. The fuck is it? It's one of my hundred and something days in at this point. It's 105 days, three days in. It's 108, 109 by the time you listen to this thing. But I got to tell you, I'm fucking, I'm getting weak.

I'm getting weak. Oh, the holidays are rolling in. I think I'll be good through December, but I'm going to the fucking Rose Bowl again this year. This is my 10th Rose Bowl. All right. It's the 10 anniversary for me and Joe Bartnick, the originals, the original fucking drunk maniacs at that game.

And what's so fucking awesome now about the college football playoff is that every three years now the Rose Bowl is a playoff game. Last time it was Florida State in Oregon, I believe, Jameson Winston and the guy from fucking the Tennessee Ticens. I can't remember his name. Mariota is at the coach. I don't know what the fuck the guy from Oregon, he's great, right? And this year it's going to be the Oklahoma Sooners versus the fucking, who else got in?

Let's see. It's Clemson versus Alabama. And then we got the fucking Oklahoma is playing who? We in the big 10 got in TCU got their fucking asses kicked. And whenever I watched TCU, they went, I can't believe I fucking missed that. Who the fuck is Oklahoma playing wasn't Wisconsin Clemson is Alabama. I got to hit pause here. This is going to fuck that.

You guys can listen how dumb I am. I know this USC didn't get in. It's got to be a conference fucking champion Miami lost to Clemson, Auburn didn't get in. Who the fuck is it? I got to hit pause. I don't know the fuck it is. I'm an asshole, Georgia.

I actually didn't look it up. I just sat there and I fucking started thinking, like, who the fuck else is in there? Miami, Central Florida, Florida State, South Carolina, Gators, Georgia, that's how I did it. Started down. I always start down in Miami and I fucking worked my way up the Georgia, damn Georgia bulldogs. And I know there's a lot of people were upset.

A lot of people were upset that it's such a flawed fucking system. I know Jay Lawhead was telling me that fucking Alabama didn't play anybody. He's like, they didn't fucking play anybody. And then I'm thinking like, well, the Big 10 wasn't as fucking, you know, Wisconsin being undefeated is amazing until you fucking look at the, you know, the Western side of the fucking Big 10. Nebraska Stinks, Illinois was pathetic, Indiana Stakes, Minnesota Stakes, Northwestern was decent.

They were seven and two, but I mean, if you, they won the last seven games, but they played nobody. Um, and I was sitting there going like, so I'm like, what the fuck is he talking about? You know, it's like you guys lost the fucking Iowa. Iowa was, it was halfway deep and Penn State was overrated. What the fuck are you talking about? So you know what I did? I actually listened to Jay Lawhead and I looked up the fucking Alabama Crimson Tides fucking

schedule and I got to tell you, I think I could have got them five fucking wins. Jay Lawhead. Sorry. Jay Lawhead, I owe an apology to, this is who they play Florida State, who stinks. Then they played Colorado State. I don't even know what they, those fucking people should be selling insurance out there. Get rid of that football team, Mississippi. They stink this year, Arkansas stunk this year, LSU, you know, they came on late, but

they stink. I love them. Mercer, is that a woman's college? I don't even know who the fuck that is. Fresno State. I went to that game, Fresno State. You know, I'd say they stink, but I've watched too many of those behind the scenes things about Fresno.

I'm not going to say shit about Fresno. I'm just saying, you know, they could have been a little better, Vanderbilt, they're too fucking smart to be good. Mississippi State, they stunk, Tennessee fucking stinks. Mississippi State was decent, then they played Auburn, who was a good fucking team. And they lost. However, they did beat the shit out of people. They won 24, 7, 41, 23, 66 to 3, 41 to 9.

They did beat the fuck out of people, 56 to nothing against the woman's college, 41 to 10, 59 to nothing against Vanderbilt. No, they played a bunch of fucking architects. Nate Barghatsi was starting at fucking punter, 27, 19 against Texas A&M, 45, 7. Hey, by the way, all those students that fucked that guy out of that fucking head coaching job at Tennessee, were those signs that they wrote, was that true? And now, because they really fucking, I don't know, man, I hope they did some research, this whole fucking trial by internet.

I'll have to look that up, man, because that just, that was like fucking, and some of the shit that people wrote on signs, he was at Penn State, I don't know, during the whole time or part of the time when that Sandusky guy was there. But it's just like, you know, it's, I don't understand this, I love how the, like one guy does some shit, then all of a sudden, like the most horrific fucking thing you could do, basically, and then all of a sudden, everybody fucking knew and nobody said anything. Everybody? Everybody.

I'm not saying there weren't a few people like, oh, Jesus, we got to fucking protect the university, but just anybody who was there is automatically fucking guilty. Some of these fucking kids, man, you know, this whole trial by fucking social media is a little out of control there. But anyways, I'm going off the rails here. So I don't know, we'll see, we'll see what the fuck happens. I know Jay was upset that Ohio State didn't get in, you got to say, Ohio State had a tougher schedule than fucking Alabama easily, easily had a tougher fucking schedule, but what about,

what about Auburn? What about Auburn, man? They beat Georgia when they were number one, then they beat Alabama, they beat two fucking number ones, then they had to go back and beat fucking Georgia again. They couldn't do it. You know what happened with that? The fucking Auburn's coach opened his big fat fucking mouth. We kicked a dog crap out of him, didn't we?

We don't kick the dog crap out of him, didn't we? You know what I mean? I hope every fucking person who's in sports journalism, I hope they watch that. They see that fucking clip and then you see the fucking Georgia Bulldogs showing up the next game with flames coming out of their fucking nostrils. The next time you're going to sit there and trash Bill Belichick and say he's quote unquote so boring at his press conferences, that's because the man is a genius. Bill Belichick is never going to be like, we kicked a dog crap out of him, didn't we?

We don't kick the fucking dog crap out of him. Why the fuck would you say that? You know who says that? The kind of guy who wears a fucking golfing hat when he's coaching a football team. What a dumb fucking thing that that is the stupidest fucking thing you can do. Remember when the fucking Cowboys were fucking kicking the shit out of the Steelers and like Super Bowl nine or 10, I don't know about 40 years ago, you ever look at those highlights and fucking Roy Jarrella missed that field goal and stupid ass Cliff Harris got in his

face padded him on the fucking helmet and then Lambert came over and just body slam Cliff Harris back when you could do that and there wasn't a fucking, you know, a bunch of fines and you had to go fucking sing a cappella to some fucking woman's group, whatever the fucking punishment is now, right? You could do that. That turned the tide of the game. Keep your fucking mouth shut until you're holding the championship trophy and then you don't need to talk shit because you want it.

You're fucking we don't kick the dog crap out of him. What happens? You play him a few weeks later. He's all right there, Fred, don't you? So anyways, there was a lot of, there was a lot of, I was 100% wrong. I thought Jay Lawhead was just being a fucking homer. He was absolutely fucking right. Alabama didn't play anybody, but they scored a lot of fucking points.

Who knows? We'll see. We'll see. Now, if Alabama goes in and wins the whole fucking thing, then what does that do? I actually like how vague this is and how many arguments that it creates. Just a whole fuck, you know, and at the end of the day, you can't, you can't open this up to some giant fucking March madness. The game is just simply too fucking violent.

I love that it's four teams and I love that people get left out. You know, the same way I love seeing a little kid crying because his mother wouldn't get him the toy that he wanted. That just warms my heart whenever I see that. I hate seeing little spoiled bread. It's like, yeah, fuck you. I gave you Cheerios this morning, didn't you? Didn't I?

You know, meanwhile, I'm going to spoil the shit out of my daughter. I'm all over the map here. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So that's what I did all day. All day on Friday, Friday and Saturday, I just watched fucking college football other than when I was traveling, going out to the fuck that I fly out to Albuquerque, New Mexico. And you know what's funny? It was a six hour drive from Albuquerque to Tucson.

I should have done that. I wasn't paying attention. I actually flew down and rather than getting a direct flight, I had to connect through Phoenix. So it was the fight. I could have flown from LA to the goddamn Columbus, Ohio. You know, and speaking of Buckeyes, right? And that the amount of time that took me in this, the fucking person who flew us from

Phoenix from, from, uh, Albuquerque to Phoenix, okay? We're taxing out to get to the, uh, I don't know, on our way out to the runway, right? And the guy bangs a left and then quickly goes back to the right. And I was just like, well, what the fuck? And I was like, well, you know, maybe it was the tower. Maybe they said make a left on, uh, Bravo, I mean, right, sorry, right, correction. Go right on Bravo, right? So I got this app where I can listen to the tower.

So I put it on to hear, to try and listen to see if I could hear anything, which I couldn't. So we take off. Flight's great. Flying. Everything's fine. No fucking problems. You come in, land, land, landing was nice and everything. And then we're going in, we're taxing again.

We go in to get into the, uh, where you park the plane, whatever the fuck you call that, the gate and this fucking guy, he literally did a donut. He did a 360 with the airplane. He once again went left when he was supposed to go right and we fucking did an entire three, not a, maybe not an entire 360. I think he just missed the gate and he just drove by it. And then he couldn't go right into it because he would have hit the other plane. So he had to, because it was on the right hand side, he had a bang left and we did like

a fucking donut and everybody's in the plane like, what the fuck are we doing? Guy had a bad day. He or she, whoever the fuck was up front, um, it was hilarious. Everybody was getting off the plane like, dude, what the fuck was that? The hell just happened? Hey, you know what happens, you know, you drive down the street, sometimes you miss the home depot. You're like, ah, fuck, I got to go back around again.

I don't feel like doing it legally and you just fucking bang a Yui, right? Well, the same thing happens in aviation, evidently, have a fucking deadly, the same thing happens. Jesus, what the fuck is going on in Kansas City, by the way? They lost to the New York Jets. Jets are decent. Good Lord. This is why, you know, coaching in the NFL has got to be a bitch.

Can you imagine Andy Reed after September starts the year they, they fucking beat the dog that the, we beat the dog crap out of them fucking Patriots, right? Not really. They just dominated the fourth quarter and ran away with it at that point, right? And he's all excited. Holy shit. Now all of a sudden Tom Brady's fucking old and the fucking water goes down the drain the different way.

Black is white, white is black. You don't know what the fuck's going on all the way through September. I bet he, we started to build an addition under his fucking house, you know, getting ready to put that fucking trophy in there. And after these last two fucking months, the last eight goddamn weeks, I would say that they've stopped the construction. He probably has a tarp over the top of it. I like Andy Reed.

I hope they turn it around. I haven't been able to watch the game, but Jesus fucking Christ, they can't get a goddamn win. They cannot get a fucking win. So I actually watched a bunch of football today too. When I, when I landed, I watched the Patriots first, the bills. I thought that was going to be a lot closer game. I thought Tyrod Taylor was going to give us headaches.

All right. Tyrod Taylor, I like that guy, but I'll tell you right now, he is no Russell Wilson. And after watching the fucking Seattle Seahawks tonight, I'm going to go on on a limb. I think I could block for Russell Wilson. I could just have a guy in about eight seconds run around me and then just watch him fucking be like this modern day Fran Tarkington. That guy is fucking unbelievable. I don't even know how good Seattle's offensive line is.

I don't even know if they're decent. All I know is at the end of every game, they should be giving, they should be fucking making it rain at Russell Wilson's locker because they're all going to get a big contract because I guarantee you, he probably got sacked probably, I don't know what, three times, four times less than he should have. The fucking Eagles were in the backfield. It was like every time he went back for the pass, the guy had run like an extra 40 yards until somebody got opened.

They got him like, I don't know, I felt like they got him maybe two or three times that game. Maybe. But Jesus Christ is that guy fun to watch and Seattle look, they look really strong man. I was actually kind of like rooting for the Eagles because I don't know what the Patriots are going to do. You never know when you're playing the AFC East.

That's our fucking schedules like the Alabama Crimson Tide. You don't dolphin stink, bill stink, the jet stink. This year they're all fucking average. You know what I mean? There's literally six wins right there. So I really don't know how good we are, but that was a huge game tonight. This really feels like a sports podcast. I did start off talking about fucking old people in lazy boys, right?

Didn't I? And I also believe I solved the Middle Eastern crisis. I just watched, I'm sorry, I just watched a ton of fucking football and well, at this point you got to be into football if you're still listening. So I'm not going to apologize. I should apologize like fucking 10 minutes ago, but I don't know that defense look fucking great. Richard Sherman isn't even in there.

Can I ask you guys a fucking question about the Achilles tendon? Why do you rupture your Achilles tendon, but you tear your ACL? Why is that? Why don't you rupture your ACL and tear your fucking Achilles tendon? Why is that? Is it because your Achilles tendon goes up your back of your leg like a fucking window shade? Is that what it is?

You know, I'm actually going to look that up. I'm going to look that up. I'm going to put this fucking urban myth. Is it an urban myth? No, it's not. It's a, I don't know. It's a fucking question I have. Why do you rupture, that's not going to come out, right?

Your Achilles, okay, wait a minute, because it'll be like, because you fucking didn't stretch. That's the wrong way to search. It's about rupture versus tear Achilles. All right, let's see what we got here. What do we got here? Achilles tendon rupture is an injury that affects the back of your lower leg. Oh, is that where it is?

Jesus Christ. All right. It mainly occurs in people playing recreational sports. That means white guys playing pick up hoop. You fucking white dude, I know over the age of 40, 35, 40 who still plays hoops, every one of them gets the Kobe injury, but it can happen to anyone. That's why before you get out of bed, if you're a fucking old person, especially an old white guy.

All right. I don't know the main black guys other than fucking Richard Sherman and Kobe Bryant, like superstar black guys do it, right? But average white people just all the fucking time. I'm just making up shit here. Before you get out of bed in the morning, I'm telling you, if you run a little tight, okay? I'm telling you, I've said this before, you fucking take your toes, point them at your

knees slowly. All right? And if you get a fucking charlie horse in your fucking calves, immediately point your toes in the other direction and we'll release. Okay? But if you don't, just point in your fucking, do it right now, your desk. What the fuck are you doing? Shit, right?

What were you sitting down, right? Don't do it. Wait till you're fucking laying down. Don't listen to me, but I'm still going to talk here, right? Point your toes at your knees and your kneecaps. That's all you do. And you just do that for a good, I don't know, 15, 20 seconds, right? Then you point them in the other direction at the fucking wall or whatever is in front

of you. All right? Your dog that's laying on the end of your bed. Okay? Then once you do that for 15 seconds, then you roll your fucking feet clockwise a couple times, then counterclockwise, then you get out of bed. Don't just lay there for fucking eight hours sleeping with your goddamn apnea and then just pop out of bed and take that first step because you're going to get, you're going to be fucked.

Plant the fish, you're right. It's all that bullshit. All right, let's, let's continue. The Achilles tendon is a strong fibrous cord that connects the muscles in the back of your calf to your heel bone. If you overstretch your Achilles tendon, it can tear. Fuck. Wait a minute.

I thought it was because you didn't tear slash rupture completely or just partially. If your Achilles tendon ruptures, you might hear a pop followed by an immediate bitch-like scream that appears to come from your mouth area. Now, followed by an immediate sharp pain in the back of your ankle and lower leg that is likely to affect your ability to walk properly. Surgery is often performed to repair the rupture for many people, however, non-surgical treatment works just as well. This is not answering my fucking question.

Why do they say rupture for Achilles? I can't believe I know how to spell Achilles. It's not a fucking Zeppelin fan. I am. I spelled it wrong. Achilles tendon rupture, Surgery. What to do if you tear? You know what?

I don't even give a fuck anymore. She's got to be a goddamn doctor, or a first responder who could fucking tell me what Ikea. Ikea. Ikea. Ikea. Ikea. Ikea.

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They've got super simple gift memberships and e-gift cards. Dollar Shave Club's high quality products will have you covered from face cheeks to butt cheeks. There's no better time to try the club. You know what's cool is that Ken Burns, the war, they had a North Vietnamese soldier. I swear to God, his first name was Boo. And he wrote a book about his experiences. And I got to read that fucking thing.

It's always great to hear what the other side was thinking. You know what I mean? They're fucking scared. They missed their family. You know what I mean? Wow. That never works in sports. You go to somebody else's stadium.

He's still like, I don't like these fucking cuts. All right, 38 fucking minutes in here. Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about? Oh, you know what? I ordered this old modern drummer because it was right around the time John Bonham died. And they had this little John Bonham retrospective. I thought they were going to be a little more shocked that he was gone. They just kind of said, you know, he's one of the great drummers of all time.

And he has all his beats and all that shit, you know? It's really cool. And like, what's his face? It's on the cover. Let me see who's on the cover. I don't even know who's on the cover. It's so long ago. It's 1981.

Hang on a second. Hang on a second. As I walk across the room to try and find it, it's, uh, oh shit, it's Peter Criss. Peter Criss. And he's sitting, I swear to God, he is playing a pearl drum kit with concert toms, but you novices out there. That means there's no bottom heads. If you ever watch Phil Collins, that's what he had, right?

And, uh, or still has, he has a kick and a snare. And then he has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven rack toms and two floor toms. So he has an 11 piece kit to play. I want to rock and roll all night in party every day. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, but in a crash. Um, that's what I like about these old fucking people. That fucking kid is this shit.

And then they got like, back then, they had all of these, uh, they got these fucking drum kits. Do you guys remember when they'd have the on the bass drum, they'd have the, they? Mount two toms. And then they would have a third one there. When I opened this up, Ludwig, they've always had the inside front cover. They actually, this guy from Ardeo Speedwagon, Alan Grazer. He has four fucking toms.

How the fuck could you even reach those ones up top? Unbelievable. Anyways, I love looking at this shit. You look at like the bass drum pedals that they had, and this was like the eighties. This was like 15 years after John Bonham did good times, bad times. So I can't, I mean, I know he was like the Ludwig speaking. Look at Peter Chris's kid. Fucking British racing green.

He looks good, man. He looks good without the makeup back in 1981. Anyways, I don't know, I'm into that old shit. Um, sorry. I don't know what the fuck I brought that up. I just wanted to bore you guys to tear, all right, tears, all right, 41 minutes and I can start reading it. God knows the way I fucking read.

Does anybody know how you fucking remember your iCloud password or your Instagram password? I just fucking, I just, once I lose them and then I just, I can't, it's like I can't get into my own house. All right. Girlfriend's friend's boyfriend demands an apology. Girlfriend's friend's boyfriend. All right. So you have a girlfriend who has a friend who has a boyfriend and they want an apology

from you. Dear Burbank, bad boy, brain, red bird, red burr, whatever the fuck that means. Bill Burbank, that's going to be my fucking alias. I've got an interesting one for you, a little bit of context. I am 24 and two years out of school. I live with my girlfriend of almost five years, roughly two years ago on a sorority trip with my girlfriend, her friend and her friend's boyfriend. I gave the girl one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run.

No sexual intent whatsoever. Just to thank you. Evidently, the boyfriend felt otherwise and flew into a rage shortly thereafter insulting the girl and my girlfriend. I didn't learn about this until well after and since I have no relationship with the guy was content to let it be. Now wait a minute. Did the guy see the side hug?

All right, wait, what the fuck happened? I gave the girl of one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run. No sexual intent, whatever, just to thank you. Evidently, the boyfriend felt otherwise and flew into a rage shortly after. I guess he waited till you leave. Well, this guy's a pussy that what are you worried about? If he was fucking there, would she call him up on me fucking touched this opposite side shoulder of mine?

All right, flash forward for two years later, the two of them have just gotten engaged. My girlfriend will be a bridesmaid and learn from the other girl. I will not be invited to the wedding unless I apologize to the boyfriend. Now go fuck yourself. This fucking pussy. Why doesn't he call you up? You can't go to my wedding unless you apologize me. Why is this woman marrying this guy?

Two years later, he's still mad about a side hug. Jesus Christ, how possessive is this fucking maniac? I feel bad for the woman that's marrying this lunatic. All right, for inappropriately touching his girl. Well, dude, by the way, I'm just here on your side of the story. You know, did you do one of those awkward side hugs and then your hand came off her shoulder accidentally went across her ass? If it was just an awkward side hug, I say fuck this guy out of respect for my girlfriend.

I'm tempted to apologize, but since an apology is a mission of guilt and I didn't do anything wrong, my pride is holding me back. You know what? Because you just said that I actually believe in you. I should believe you. I'm surprised that he's been too cowardly to approach me and it's having to work through two people to get what he wants. What would you do?

You know what I would do? I would, I would go fucking find out what sports is playing in that area. Tell my girlfriend to have a good time at the fucking wedding. Love the podcast. Love to stand up. Thanks. This is what I would say. I would just say I did nothing wrong, so I'm not apologizing and tell that groom to be

congratulations on getting married. And at some point he might want to grow a dick if he wants to be the man of the house or get some fucking balls to fuck that guy. I would go to a fucking tractor pole before I would go to that fucking wedding of Jesus Christ. You don't be fucking hilarious. Go to the wedding anyways. And then after they fucking exchange their goddamn vows, go up and give her a side hug.

Yeah, dude, fuck that. Fuck that. I don't feel, I don't see any, your, your letter that there's any pressure from your now girlfriend, um, you know, however, if you don't go, she, you know, she might be like, what the fuck? They've been going out less than us and they're getting married and we flexed my ring. You might have to go down that road. But I got to tell you, you know, this might be a two for you've already even dating this

woman for five fucking years. You're not giving her a ring. So what the fuck did I say you dump your current girlfriend and tell that guy to go fuck himself? That, uh, you know, I dump everybody in this fucking story. Sorry, I'm a little grumpy. Don't listen to me, but I definitely wouldn't apologize to that guy and I wouldn't go to the wedding. I mean, you're a guy who the fuck wants to go to a wedding.

This is great. You got it out. All right. And just stay with that. I just can't do it because I feel it's an admission of guilt. And during this sensitive time, this climate, I'm worried that this, if I, if I say I'm sorry that then this was somehow going to my Instagram, which is tied to my Facebook and overdue my Twitter and I might not get a job.

Just call that fucking room. Or you could just be a man and just say, I'm not apologizing to that guy. Fuck him. All right. And then you, you're fucking girlfriend. I would love to go, but I'm not going under those circumstances and I'll tell you right now, if you didn't do shit and the fucking bride wanted you to apologize and you didn't want to, I would back you.

So I'm not going. If you want to go, you can go if you're not going, get over here and blow me and let's go to the game. There you go. That's what you say. All right. Boyfriend rides motocross. Dear Bill, I love all your work in your comedy.

Thank you. You're so inspired. Oh Jesus Christ. Okay. Where'd I like, where I'd like your input. Here we go. I'm seriously dating someone who loves to ride in race motocross. That's fucking awesome.

I bet, I bet this isn't the same woman from the last one. You know, I bet this isn't the guy that's getting married. The motocross guy, this guy's fucking cool. This guy doesn't like a fucking side hug. He's just going to fucking punch you in the face with his motorcycle glove still on. Right. We've been together for over a year. So I'm starting to think about marriage and a family with this person because we're both

25. Well, that's, that makes sense. He's awesome in every way. And the person I know I want to be with forever, well, there you go. But he loves to ride in race motocross. It's not on the professional level. It's a hobby. Oh, sweetheart.

You're going to do this to, you're going to take away his fucking hobby. We had a talk recently where I asked him how long he wants to keep riding and he said forever. I know someone who has two children who husband had an accident riding a dirt bike. He's paralyzed and doesn't remember who his kids are. Oh, Jesus Christ. There's people who get in cars. I mean, come on, man. What are you doing?

This is, come on. I'll tell you right now, if you, if this guy who you want to marry, if you want to make him fucking miserable, after explaining this to my boyfriend, he said, if something's going to happen to me, it will, whether I'm riding motocross or not, I'm not going to change what I love doing because of fear of what could happen. I got to tell you this. I understand why you love this guy. I'm starting to develop feelings for this guy.

He's holding his ground. He's holding motorcycles. I mean, you date the fucking Marlboro man here. I think, I think that's a selfish response when it involves your children. I hate to try and, well, you get, you don't have any kids yet, all right? You said, I hate to try to convince him to stop something he loves doing so much, but I can't imagine being with someone who participates in an extreme sport as a hobby when I have children with him.

Is it wrong of me to ask him to promise to stop when we have kids or am I being controlling? Well, first of all, the fact that you asked that, you're a cool person, all right? If you're actually questioning your behavior, this is the thing. I think you're a little further ahead emotionally in this relationship than when he's at, where most women are, all right? And this is the thing. When you become a dad, you do change, all right? So that rather than fucking nag him about this shit, just let the guy ride.

And if you get married, okay, I'm telling you right now, when you get married and you have a fucking kid, this guy is going to be so fucking sleep deprived and so goddamn tired. He's not going to have time to ride, okay, as much as he used to, which will then make it safer because he's not riding as much, but I think there's a big thing you can't, when you love somebody, you have to let them do what they love, unless it's heroin, okay? Or being a pedophile, obvious fucking things, all right? But other, you know, if my laugh, like all of a sudden wanted to be one of those roller derby queens, as much as it would fucking destroy me, watching her taking those bumps

as their elbow and them as they're skating around, if she really loved doing it, you know, I wouldn't tell her not to fucking do it. I really would be worried about concussions and shit like that. I would be, I'm not going to lie to you, but you got to let people do what they do. It sounds like you got a really cool guy that you're dating, by the way, so congratulations. And I think you're going to be a great mom, because you're doing what a mom does. A mom's already looking way into the future, trying to figure out where the danger is and try to eliminate it, all right?

So I think you're both lucky to have each other. Just fucking relax, get yourself a goddamn glass of wine, let the guy ride his bike, you know, you guys get married someday, I'm telling you, when you get fucking knocked up and all of a sudden he's got to go to 7-Eleven, you know, because you want beef jerky and a fucking, a fucking, I don't know, it's some goddamn ice cream, whatever your craving is, you know, believe me, like I have had to make adjustments in my life. I think you'll be fine, but you definitely really, you know, you know, they always say a good man's hard to find, a good woman is also hard to find.

And the fact that you're cool enough to actually be considering, am I being a douche here? I think you guys are going to be all right. All right, there you go. All right, neighbor invasion, dear Billy Mango tits, I don't know what that means. Bizarre. And I like it. All right, I am an older lady who just moved into a sweet cottage in the boondocks last month.

All right, I met my next door neighbor before I moved in and I liked her instantly as she seemed warm and funny. As it turned out, she's a Kramer in the first week she came knocking on my door numerous times for social calls. Oh no, and she will stay for long periods of time, even if I tell her I'm busy and she won't sit down. So I feel like a captive audience to her monologues. I'm a solitary person and I don't like people people coming over unannounced unless it's

an emergency. This ain't this ain't little house. What little house in the prayer? I have told her firmly on numerous occasions to fucking stop it. Oh, good for you. You're a strong person. I like it. And that would appreciate her emailing me and waiting for a response or leaving a note

if she wants to hang out. I'm not sure how much more clear I can be that I am uncomfortable with the situation, especially when I see her face in my kitchen window at night, waving me down. It scares the shit out of me. Yeah, that made me uncomfortable. She's even knocked on my bathroom window when I didn't answer the door. I don't wish to be mean. Oh no, you got to be mean.

You have to be mean. Since I live next to her, I know she's lonely and well, yeah, because she's a fucking lunatic. What kind of, can you, that's look what she's doing to you and you don't even live with there. Can you imagine living with this woman? It should be like that thing in alien that's on those fucking people's faces. I know she is lonely in it and I'd like to be friends with her, but she, but she just no comprendo of your podcasts and advice and thanks.

You ginger moose knuckle for not being a sex offender because all my heroes are going down. Well, you know, it's still early in this game, you know, someone could accuse me of something. God knows it doesn't matter what the fuck I mean, I don't know. Nobody really innocent. Nobody who seemed innocent has fucking seemed to have been called out yet. You know, there's a couple of people have been like, I've never met that one in my life and then it fucking goes away.

So I think it's all right, right? Still makes you nervous as a guy going, Jesus Christ, you know, this whole trial by social media is kind of scary over there. All right, let's stay with the, the topic here. I don't, I don't know what I would just be all, look, all like, I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I would do. All right.

I would do what you already did. And all right, you want to know what I would do when she knocks on the door? I'd be like, get out of here. Fuck off. I would do that. When she knocked on my window and scared the shit out of me, I'd be like, dude, are you out of your fucking mind? You're scaring the shit out of me.

I want to be friends with you, but you suffocate me. You asshole. All right. Do you want to be friends with me? Yes or no? Yes. Great. Then stop being a fucking jerk off.

Stop knocking on my fucking door in my window. Stop crying. All right. All right. Come on in. Come in. I'm sorry. Let me make you some lemonade.

She's one of those people. I don't know. I would, I would, I don't, I don't know what, I don't know what I would do. I get a BB gun, maybe shoot her in the fucking knee as she comes over. Maybe she'll think it's a beehive or some shit. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what the fuck I would do if you've actually told her that. She sounds like a crazy person.

Why would you want to be friends with a crazy person? I think he just got, he just got to ignore her. Like the next time she knocks on your window like that, I would just knock back on the same, on the other side of the window. I'd knock back and then give her the finger to see how she handles that. That's one way to do it. The other way to do it is to start talking about shit that freaks her out. She's really religious.

Just talk about how much you love Satan and you've given yourself over to him. I don't know what else you could do. Partner presence. I don't know. I don't have no idea. I don't know what to do. I feel bad for you. For some reason it reminded me of misery.

I just keep picturing that woman walking up to your window, the cock of duty, whatever fucking come up to your window. It's a very American horror story. Wife cries at least, so I hope that helps you out. I would just be more firm. Write her a letter. Dear neighbor. Fuck off.

Sincerely. A solitary woman in college, cottage next to you, right? All right. Wife cries at least three times a week. Dear Bill Burr Baggins. Big fan of your FU attitude towards life. I don't have a fuck you attitude towards life, okay? I think it's very precious.

And know that I am taking notes by telling people to go fuck yourself. All right. Anyways. Anyways, I have an issue with my wife to be because she cries all the time. All right, that's a deal breaker for me. I already have my advice. Next time she cries, just gently put your hands on her shoulders and be like, honey, honey, honey, grow up.

No, you can't do it. We've known each other since January 2017 and our marriage was arranged, not forced but arranged. All right, this is like tear and rupture. What the fuck does that mean? We both chose to marry each other after our parents allowed us to talk on the phone for a few months. What the fuck is this?

What in God? Well, of course you did. If they didn't allow you to talk on the fucking phone the first time you poke your head out of the ground, yeah, you're going to marry whatever you do just to get away from those controlling maniacs. Anyways, since we've been together and she's cried more times than I've cried in my life, including the times I've cried during my childhood, everything she's crying because she doesn't want to marry you.

That's what I'd be worried about. She cries for various different reasons, like her little sister annoys her, feels like she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I don't even know what to do with this person. But you know that you seem like you're from a different part of the world, a different culture. So, but you, you do seem annoyed, but oh my God, Jesus fucking Christ, I think I would

start crying. I just, if you don't stop fucking crying, I swear to God, I'm going to kill myself. And that would make her cry even more and just be like, what do I have to do? Okay. Anyways, we are definitely getting married. Because that line has been crossed. So cutting it off isn't a possibility. To where the fuck are you in the world?

I love her more than you love the freckles on your face, but this is crying is wearing me down. Well, it seems like you still have a sense of humor about it. Because I have to comfort her every time and just stare at her on FaceTime as she cries. At times it just gets super annoying because she does cry over small shit. I got to tell you something. I don't know this woman and she's already, she's annoying the shit out of me. Anyway, she has a busy schedule because she's training to be a teacher.

Oh God, hope she doesn't fucking teach some underprivileged kids. She'll have a goddamn nervous breakdown. When she starts crying and shows weakness, it's going to be over anyways, getting a post grad, organizing Islamic events, parentheses, no ISIS jokes, please. And she does an Islamic course at night. So I understand that she has shitloads on her plate. She's underconfident and she feels like she's not the model woman you see on Instagram. So I assure her that she is beautiful and I love her just the way she is.

I really don't know how to deal with this or even approach the situation. Sometimes I find that I am avoiding her because I know it will lead to crying and what have you. What do you suggest? Your podcast is sex to my ears. Nia is awesome. And I hope Lola is not giving Nia too many sleepless nights. Thank you for listening, old bright bulb bag, Billy.

Jesus fucking Christ, Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know what to tell you, dude. I really don't know what the fuck to tell you. I don't know how to solve this. This is like, how do you tell a woman to stop crying in a way that doesn't make them cry more? All right. Okay.

You know what I do when my wife is going to cry and I don't think it's that big a deal or I just don't want to deal with it. When she starts to cry, I just look at her and I jut out my bottom lip and I make the saddest, most pathetic, let's just picture like a sad clown. I make the saddest, stupid face, stupidest face and I look down while still looking up at her. Just imagine that look and it always makes her laugh and she gets fucking mad at me because she can't continue crying because I look so fucking ridiculous.

And another way you can do it is right before you make that face, you take a big inhale and you go, oh, and you just make that face and I'm telling you, if she has a sense of fucking humor, that's what I would do. I think that's what I would do. I would just joke my way out of it. Any time she was crying over nothing, I would start crying with her. Like I just don't feel that I'm going to be a good enough husband for you and I would just be like, I worry about that too.

Now you have to know this, I am a dick, all right, but that's what I would do. I would just start doing that and what's going to happen is hopefully she'll toughen up a little bit. Jesus Christ. Do you know how fucking nervous that would make me if a woman was crying because she loved me that much and was worried that she wouldn't be a good fucking, I would break up with her. I'd be like, I can't handle that pressure.

Jesus Christ. What is going to happen when she finds out I can't fucking read out loud? Mom's comment on pizza. Good luck to you, sir. That's what I would do. I would use humor. I would use humor. You know, next time she go, honey, can I talk to you about something?

I would have like 40 fucking boxes of Kleenex and just fucking run over with like five boxes of Kleenex. So I would just do something to make it silly and ridiculous and then she might get upset that you do that. I guess I would then say the fuck what I say. I would just be honest. Just say, listen, I love you to death, but to let the amount that you cry, I don't know how to deal with it.

Oh fuck, that made you cry. Jesus Christ. What do you guys say? What do you Islamic guys say when you curse? What do you say instead of Jesus Christ? What do you say? Do you say something? Do you take Mohammed's name in vain?

Do you do something like that? I don't know. Whatever the fuck it is you say, I would, I would be really, that would really, I mean, that's a lot. These fucking letters are a lot this week. Okay. The fucking neighbor, the goddamn fucking douchebag who needs an apology for a fucking side hug through two different women.

He needs to get his apology. That guy is such a pussy. What kind of fucking guy uninvites another guy to a fucking wedding is if that's some sort of punishment. He just made his day. You asshole. If you really didn't like the side hug, you should make him fucking go there. And then there's the one cool check who fucking boyfriend rides motocross.

All right. Not saying the other people weren't cool, but good Lord, wife cries at least three times a week. I read that is three times a day, three times a week. That's still a lot. It's 156 times a year. That's what I would do. All right.

365 minus 156. Oh, Jesus. 256, 250. That's 194. 194 days. You're not crying. 156. You are.

Okay. That's like Marty Schottenheimer's lifetime record. That's the way you're crying. Days you cry versus days you don't. And that's not enough to make it in this league. Okay. So I'm going to need you to toughen it up at least two thirds more. Why don't you tell us she's allowed to cry once a week unless something really bad happens.

Okay. You know what you can do? You can go to the pet store and get one of those shocker callers and every time she starts to cry, just fucking zapper. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. All right. Mom's comment on pizza leads to breakup.

I have no idea where this is going. All right. Hey Bill, weekly listener here. Love efforts for family and all your standup stuff. Keep up the good work. My question is, what experiences, Ania? Oh, good to see you. Come on in.

Come on in. Ania, this guy's fucking wife cries three times a week. Why? That's hilarious. Did you guys hear that? She goes, why are you going to cry? She cries because she loves him so much. She just did a spit take.

I swear to God. No, she doesn't. Yes, she does. Nobody loves somebody that much. They cry three times a week. Well, this is the thing, they're Islamic and their parents allowed them, I love you so much. Like, knock it off.

Exactly. I was telling them what I do when you cry, remember that time when you cried, I just kept making that face, I go, which was not helpful, by the way, it helped me because I just didn't want to deal. It's not about you. It's about me. If I'm crying, I'm having an emotion about something. Can I tell you something?

Your job isn't to like, check out and figure out how to wait for you to deal with it. Your job is to like, check in and figure out how I can deal with it. Your job is to make me feel better, not cope for yourself. God. Yeah, but sometimes you just don't want to deal with like, like, you know, when I, you know, when I occasionally just don't want to deal, just fucking deal, be a nice person, be emotionally open, don't be a fucking vast wasteland of non emotion, man. Are you high?

Yes, you are. I reserve the right not to answer that question. Okay. Nobody cry. She's lying because she's not crying that much because she loves him. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Do you know, like, do you know, occasionally I'll get upset and I go on a rant.

Wouldn't it be great if you knew how to, well, your version of that is when you cry. No. It is. No. It is. No. Don't tell me how I feel. Don't tell me how I react to things.

I don't cry like, don't respond to my, don't tell me with your, don't tell me. I'm angry. I'm angry if I'm emotional. I'm fucking emotional. Hey, can I finish this? These people are Islamic. This is an arranged marriage. It's, it's not forced.

Just listen for fuck's sakes. Can we get over by the mic? All right. They actually were allowed to talk on the fucking phone for a few months. Okay. Okay. So yeah, these are, these are fucking, you know, this is very secluded life here. Okay.

I get it. So, you know, she's, her emotions are at the surface. So she cries if her little sister annoys her. If she, she feels she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife. Oh, so whenever she's having emotions, basically. Right. What's a good way to be like, honey, I love you to death, but could you fucking knock

it off? Cause you're driving me crazy. How do you say that to a woman without making a crime war? I mean, yeah, she seems like she would cry if you told him, if you told her, like, you know, you know, the tea was not sweet enough. So she's definitely sensitive. I told him to start crying too. Oh God.

Like she's just like, I'm just worried. And I was like, me too. And I was thinking that she would get mad though. Probably because if she did it like that, cause that's, well then she stops crying. Hey, hang in here for this last one. He's happy. No, I don't know. Honestly, I have no idea.

I can tell you as a man, when a woman cries, all we want you to do is to stop crying. We don't give a fuck. We are aware of that. Yes. You're completely fucking selfish when it comes to our emotions. Yeah, we know. Well, you're selfish when I yell. That's an emotion.

You want me to stop yelling. Yelling, like hearing somebody yell constantly is like traumatic. Okay. Hearing somebody cry all the time is also traumatic. It's like you're watching this sad movie that never ends. It is. No, that would be a real. She sounds like a real drip.

No, Jesus. All right. Come on. That looks good. Well, what can he do? I don't know. Oh boy. Oh boy, buddy.

Yeah, I don't. It sounds like that's just kind of how she is. I mean, listen, I don't know if your religion allows you to do this, but I would get some Bose wireless headphones. The noise canceling ones. Whenever she starts crying, I just put them on and put on your favorite fucking music. Can you ask her dad or her mom or whatever? Like just, I just feel like she's very sensitive.

She cries easily. You know, is that so? Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't do that. If they finally let her talk on the fucking phone and then you're going to come and be like, yeah, you know, can you tweak her a little bit this way? Um, anyway, mom, mom's comment on pizza leads to break up. Hey, Bill, weekly listener, love f is for family and all your standup stuff.

Keep up the good work. All right. My question is what experiences have you had with dating while going through a rough, a rough time with your professional career? Bill has never dated anyone besides me. I'm the only woman in his life that matters. And I really don't appreciate you asking about the people that came before me. I gotta tell you something.

I dated a lot of great women, a lot of hotties that were absolute animals in the rack. My girlfriend and I dated for three years and recently decided to go on a break. Yeah. All right. You're breaking up. We met in law school, both graduated with good grades and each passed the bar exam. The big difference between us is that she got a job right after graduation with a high salary and sane benefits and located in a wealthy suburb.

This was largely due to a family connection, which she openly admits. Yeah, good for her. Use your connection. Meanwhile, I hope to get hired by a firm. I worked at during my final year of law school, but was told at the last minute that none of the interns would be hired. You fucking cunts. Oh my God.

After you sat there going through their card catalog, one of the fuckers you guys do as a result. I have been living with my parents for the past three months, making money, teaching tennis lessons, while sending resumes and traveling for interviews all over the state. The decision for a break came when my girlfriend was visiting me at my parents house. She and I went out for pizza and came back with some leftovers. My girlfriend put the pizza in the fridge, but my mom, who has a heavy Russian accent, told her that putting the pizza in the fridge destroys the flavor.

I did not even bat an eye at the interaction and went to the couch to watch a hockey game. These guys live in the life. He's living at home. He's teaching tennis. He's watching hockey. He's eating pizza. I love this guy's life. After an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong.

According to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom to not speak to her that way. Well, in defense of her, my girlfriend, not to put the pizza in the fridge. Yeah, but in defense of her, though, the Russian accent is a little harsh. They can't help it. Even when they're being happy and friendly towards each other, they sound like they're screaming at each other. They want to murder each other.

Yeah, that they're going to send you to the fucking gulag. Don't get mad at me. You know that shit is true. And think about your grandparents and your aunts and your uncles when you went in the room. Nobody gets mad at anything on this podcast, Nia. I have curated some of the dumbest people on this planet, and we all just sit in our fucking bubble of stupidity enjoying all of this. All right.

After an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong. Okay. According to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom to not speak to her that way. I know my mom can sound a little harsh with her accent. Yeah, there you go. And sometimes uses incorrect words. Use your imagination when speaking English, but the two have always had a good relationship.

So there was no reason to think she would be upset by the comment. This started an argument about how I've become a mama's boy. Oh boy. Oh, she went there. And that I'm not really pissed about that whole pizza situation. And that I'm not desperate enough to move out of the house. Someone's going to throw a chair soon. These comments really pissed me off because she has personally seen the amount of hard

work and long hours I've put into my schoolwork internship, passing the bar exam. Yeah, not to mention she got a hookup and sending out resume. Additionally, this came a day after I was informed that I was close, a close second for a job. I was excited about potentially receiving. Yes. So this is it. Yeah. You see in branches, you know, land is coming.

You like Christopher Columbus. This is gross. Nia was commenting on this all natural ginger ale. I actually like it. Oh my God. Hey, really, really quickly. Can I just ask you a quick question? Do you consider ginger ale soda?

I thought you asked me, do I consider ginger ale offensive, an offensive name? Do you consider ginger ale soda? Yes. You do? Yes. Yeah. People that follow me on Twitter will know what I'm talking about. I did a poll on Twitter because I realized that I don't consider ginger ale soda.

Well, it's because you only drink it when your stomach's not... Everybody was saying to me, but you know I'm obsessed with ginger ale. I drink it all the time, but people seem to... Yeah. Why don't you consider it soda? I don't know. I have no idea. I consider soda like coke and orange...

Do you consider an apple a fruit? No. Why not? I don't know. I know. It's super obvious, but I just never made the connection that it would be soda. If you said that on a first date, there would be no second date. This is the fucking bimbo.

Jesus. I thought I was dumb. You didn't think I was a bimbo? Yeah. That reminds me of... Let's talk about the story of the podcast that girl one time. Okay, you want to go out? You want to go grab some sushi or something?

Oh my God, I love sushi. But one time I ate it every day for like a month. What do you call the white part of your eye? I'm like, the white part of your eye? She goes, it turned all yellow. And I was like, hey... That bitch had jaundice. Yes.

And I conveniently had another call coming in that I had to take. Well, but even if you thought I was a bimbo... I still try to go out with her. I feel like part of bimbo still means like you are attracted to me. I still try to go out with her though. Of course you did. You know why? She was an underwear model.

She modeled me undies, me undies. No, she didn't. So anyway, pizza, sorry to interrupt. Okay. Additionally... Okay. So the guy was excited. I suspect the real situation is my girlfriend has an image of who her partner is and saw

a potential in me meeting that image someday. But right now I'm not living up to that image. It's like she's an NFL GM and I am the potential franchise quarterback who still needs to work on his arm strength before becoming the starter. In her eyes, I'm boozing it up like Johnny football instead of hitting the gym. I got to tell you something, dude. I'd let this girl go. And I have to say something too.

Do not fall in love with potential. It is a trap. No, no. Well, she's falling... No, that's what I'm saying. For her to like fall in love with potential is it's not a good idea. So it's really about... That's the end of the question?

Yeah, he kind of knocked it off there. You know, I got to be honest with you. I actually thought this guy was going to do better with the question. Yeah. I believe in his potential for this question more. Yeah. I don't know where. Yeah.

She's your girl. I think your girl... Couch. Oh. I was going to say, I think your girl for me made a point here. Yeah. So clearly it's not about the pizza. It's about like the bigger picture for him and where he's at in her life.

And she's not... She's a spoiled brat who just got a job gifted to her. So she doesn't understand why... But she's still like good at it though, right? Like it's not as if she just got it and she sucks at it. I know. He didn't say that he brought that up because I would have brought that up. I'm sorry.

I don't fucking come from the goddamn Waltons. What were the... Who's the big lawyer family on TV? Were the Waltons lawyers? Cliff Hustable was a lawyer. Did you ever watch the Waltons? No, no, sorry. Claire Hustable was a lawyer.

The Waltons was the Cosby show for white people. What is the Waltons? It's just a bunch of fucking rednecks living in an old farmhouse. There's like 90 of them. They all have fucking overalls. Sounds terrible. What do you have against white people and overalls? And fucking dilapidated buildings.

Good night, John Boy. That's that show? Yeah. Good night, whoever. Good night, so-and-so. Good night, Mary Sue. All right, Bob and Joe. Good night, John Boy.

John Boy. Who's John Boy? John Boy was like the fucking oldest dude on. He was like a man. He was like a young man. But he was a boy. John Boy. It's his dad, John, too.

And he's John Man. He's John Man. John Boy. We're not answering this guy's question. What is the question? There is no question. But I think he just wants me to comment on the situation. I have no idea.

But I would just say that I would- You should be like, bitch, why don't you support me when I'm down? How about you? How about your potential to be a loving and supportive spouse? Like, why are you kicking me when I'm down? Like, don't you think that I'm trying to make it happen? Don't you think I want to impress you? Don't you think I want to be the man that is everything that you've ever dreamed of?

I'm having a hard time right now. Why have that fucking four-hour debate when you can just break up with somebody? I see too many red flags here. Too many fucking red flags. First of all, they're both lawyers. And just argue it out all night long. They're going to be competitive. They're in the same fucking field.

And then she gets fucking pregnant and like, who the fuck puts their fucking practice on hold, you know? She would have to, obviously, if she's carrying a baby. Like, that's kind of how it goes. Yeah, like, she should be loving it. So she's like, so get your shit together. Because eventually when we have a family, I'm going to have to take time off. Fuck that. She seems like the alpha male here in this.

And I think that she's going to want to keep working. She's an alpha. And then this guy can just fucking chill out with the kids teaching tennis. Yeah, I mean, it's not like he doesn't have a job. He's looking for a job. He almost got one. Okay, well, keep at it. Keep your chin up.

I don't know. Both of these people sound annoying. Why? How is he annoying? They're just both annoying. He's like, I'm playing tennis. I'm doing my best. And she's like, get it together.

He's teaching tennis. Oh, whatever. He's trying. He's making money. Yeah, but she has to play it to teach it. You're like killing in your own head right now. I don't know what's going on with you. You find yourself very amusing.

All right. I do. I really do. All right. You know something? All right. I almost started crying like that guy's fucking potential fucking wife is wha. All right.

That is the podcast. I don't know if I helped anybody. I don't even know what I talked about. I want to thank everybody who came out Albuquerque and people who came out in Tucson, Arizona and fucking Dean del Rey. Jesus Christ. He's been fucking murdering in front of me. Yeah, like people is like an audible like no when he's when his fucking sets over.

It's annoying. He's making me work out there. Dean. He's crushing it. Dean's the best. And I will be with Dean next Sunday night. Santa fucking Barbara. I want to go.

I want to go and go out and spend the money that you're earning and go look at stuff. Fuck you. Fuck you. Right. Has nothing to do with what do you want to do in Santa Barbara? I want to go and hang out and see Santa Barbara is how much does that cost. Hey with you. It doesn't cost anything for me to like see.

Yeah, because I'm paying for it. Paying for what exactly? The trip to Santa Barbara. You are working in Santa Barbara and I'm tagging along with you. Like what is the problem? You just don't want you don't want me to cramp your style. What are you and Dean going to go do like skipping to the vineyards together? We're going to go to a fucking brothel.

What do you think we're going to do again? You're going to be there being like I hope you wear a condom. I don't need that shit. Listen, if you're going to try to with that fucking second grade manipulation to try to turn the conversation into that goddamn direction. I'm just going to steer into it. Yeah. Why wouldn't I be able to come to Santa Barbara?

It's a beautiful place. I haven't been there in years. Like what is the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is because fuck you. Because fuck me why? Because you only because you only support me when I go to fun places. You're never there when I need you. When I go to Sacramento, you never want to tag along.

I would potentially go to Sacramento. I mean, it is the capital. Of what? California. I'm not that high. Okay. Why would I go to a not fun city? Like why would I do that?

Why would I need you to come along to a fun city? I'm already having fun. You love when I come on the road with you. That's why I traveled so much with you before. These are things I say to keep the relationship going. You're fronting on your podcast. You don't enjoy me being there with you when you're on the road. I'm always rolling the road.

Oh, I miss you. Oh, I miss the baby. You're so tough and you're so in control. And you're just like the man of the family. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Love when I'm there with you on the road. So knock it off.

Time out. Time out. Yes. You're talking a lot of shit. I didn't get lonely on the road like this until I had a daughter. Oh my God. Are you are you see? Yeah, but I did a three week fucking run.

Are you suggesting that you were not lonely on the road before we had a daughter? Are you saying that for the most part? Yeah. Are you saying you didn't miss me when you're on the road? For the most part? Yeah. Oh, so then who are you lying to? You.

You. So you feel better. That's completely untrue. Yeah. Have you ever seen what I do on the road? I go to steams. I go to games. I'm hanging out with my friends.

I'm riding on a bus. It's fucking tremendous. The whole game thing is you got to make your wife feel like you're not having a good time out there. She's going to get upset. Are you serious? A lot of the times. Yeah.

Oh my God. No, but now that I have a kid, it's different. You're fucking. So you never miss me when you were on the road? All those nights, as you called me, and since you were lonely, and you said I was here, and you saw something funny, and you're sending me pictures. A lot of those times. You're sending me pictures all day, and text messages all day.

Like, I miss you. Check this out. Isn't this funny? And like you. That was a lot of those times. That was all bullshit. A lot of the times it's bullshit. I've been with you almost 15 years.

It's all been bullshit. Not all, but a lot of it is bullshit. I don't believe you. That's how you do the road as a guy. I don't believe you. I will never trust you again if this is true. Nia, you're going to say, I'm going to Milwaukee. I'm seeing the Henry Winkler statue.

Who? I'm going to Fonsi. I'm going to the fucking Harley Davidson Museum. Wait, wait, wait. They have a statue of him. Why? What did he do? Because Happy Days was filmed in front of a live audience, to the audience there.

But it's not like it's Rocky. Do they really have a statue of him? Yeah. Hmm. It seemed like a waste of a statue. Why? It's like the funniest thing ever. A waste of a statue.

Like the statue could have been something else. They wouldn't even have chopped the head off and put fucking Murph Griffin's head on there. Wait a minute. Is that character that iconic that it deserves its own statue? Hey, that guy. That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee.

Because it's a city, but it's small town. Oh my God, Milwaukee, you got to do better. Oh, Nia, so mean. That's one of my favorite fucking cities. I love Milwaukee. You know what, Milwaukee, you're okay with me. All right, Nia, this is the, of course I miss you on the road. I love you.

I love our daughter. But there's times where I'm really having a good fucking time out there. Yes, I know. So you have to text, hey, honey, I'm thinking about you. I'm not thinking about you. I'm watching SCC football. I sometimes forget I'm married when I'm at those games. Okay, I get it.

You don't have to keep like, you know, No, because you went so hard the other day going like, I missed you. Like I was some fucking pansy. It wasn't panning about like a pansy. Man, you were like, you, like you love me and you miss me. No, I get it. So it's self-serving.

Obviously you're having fun on the road. Like you went, you know, text me pictures of you and Paul Verzi and Joe Barton, like arms length, you know, skipping into an arena of some sort. Like, so I get it. I understand. That's our tradition. We always skipping. Yeah, I fucking ran a helicopter.

I fly myself to Vegas. It's fucking, it's a good time. It's a good goddamn time. All right. This podcast is way too fucking long. It's an hour and a half long. All right. I, okay.

Can we apologize to the city of Milwaukee? I will on behalf before we start a social media controversy here. All right. I'm done with this shit. That's it, everybody. Happy holidays, man. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah.

Merry Christmas. All that shit's coming up. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you on Thursday. Stupid. Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual, but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk. Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A&E. And though woolly mammoths are extinct, in the metaverse, students will go back to the

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