Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-16

Episode Date: December 6, 2016

Bill rambles about Nico Rosberg's retirement, cardio music and toupee sex.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. Monday, December 5th, 2016. What's going on? Why are you doing your holiday shopping? Is that what you're doing? Oh my God, what do I get this person? And there's just not enough time. Sleight of Bola, by the way, Sleight of Bola is still left. Yeah, you guys are in the same boat as me. You know, I handled some of the shit I needed to handle. You know, I got fucking nieces and nephews and all this shit I got to take care of. So I don't know what to do. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go on billbird.com, click on the podcast page and click on the Amazon link and go straight to Amazon and kick me a little dough rabies. Huh? Oh no, Bill, you shouldn't

have. Hey, don't worry about it. I made a little bit of fucking cashiche on this one. Oh, enjoy your remote control Lamborghini. Anyways, so I know the podcast is late. I was going to try to do it last night, but unfortunately I had to go to a memorial service for my friend who died and it was a beautiful, beautiful ceremony and also one of the saddest things I've ever seen with these young kids and everything and didn't feel too funny last night. But I learned a lot, man. I learned a lot by going to that service. I will tell you that because when they did the collage of his life in the end of it, the photos and the videos and everything like 99% of it was about him with his wife and being a dad. So it made me feel lucky that I'm going to become a father

definitely because I was thinking like, well, what if I died right now? What would the collage look like for me? And it would just be a picture of me and a bunch of different comedy clubs making weird faces. Obviously the lovely Nia, but you know what I mean? I was kind of like, what, me playing drums? Like what the fuck did I do to keep, you know, not to say that you have to have a fucking kid because definitely I think if you don't have a kid at this point, if you don't want to, that's a great fucking thing considering all the shit going on with the environment to not just have another person just to have a person. But you know, like with all of these things, the great thing was I got to see a bunch of comics that I had not seen in a while. And I will be

seeing a bunch more this Tuesday night at the laugh factory. I believe the event is sold out. So thank you to everybody that came down and bought tickets. I, or how are the fucking kids do it nowadays? I really appreciate it. It's going to be the money is going to be going to his twin boys. But anyway, so yeah, so I went there was a very, very heavy emotional night. So I did not feel remotely funny because that was the thing. Oh, typical fucking psycho comic. I'm going to go to a memorial service for a friend of mine that I've known for almost 25 years. And then I'll come home, then I'll do my podcast after that. You know, if you think some of my shit is bleak and dark. Yeah, I'm glad I did not record last night. So I had some shit to do this morning. I'm a little

bit late. We're editing the season two of f is for family and all that shit. Have I made you laugh yet? All I'm doing is telling you what I'm laying in my bed and I fucking blah, blah, blah, you know, fully clothed by the way, fully clothed this episode. The NC 17 Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast did not do well in the ratings as far as the feedback, you know, it was something that we hear at Monday morning podcast industries decided was, you know, maybe a different flavor we could throw to the podcast. Every once in a while, I could just be wearing a robe with nothing underneath it that Nia could then comment on. And, you know, it was like new coke. That's that's all I would say. I'm kidding. Actually with some of the funniest

fucking photoshop. So I don't know if you guys saw him on Twitter. The Sharon Stone was fucking yeah, that was, I don't know how you top that one. That was great. So anyways, let's, let's talk about life. Let's talk about the world. Let's talk about a, Hey, congratulations to everybody up there in the Dakotas that was fighting against the pipeline. Evidently they've been able at least able to stop it for now. You know, good Lord, some of the shit that they were saying those corporations were doing, man, they were playing for keeps. They were saying at nighttime they had drones and they were coming in and they had this pepper spray water mixture. They were spraying at the protesters. Um, that whole thing is so fucked up because I was just like, why can't they just go down to

Home Depot and buy some of those fucking things that makes the pipe make a 90 degree turn, go up the street a little bit and go around the shit. Um, evidently all the white towns, the cowboy side, I guess they tried to go through other people's towns and they were like, yeah, you're not running that shit through here. So even the white people didn't want it. I don't know. I guess what I'm saying is I should have bought a Tesla. Um, until they do the research on what those fucking batteries do, once they finally take those out, you know, I remember Michael Jordan telling me not to throw out my batteries, you know, I believe he was standing next to the children that sew together his sneakers. There's so much, you know, you can never, you can never not get mud on your shoes.

No matter what you do, like how the fuck do you just like, no matter what you're doing, I do this and I'm not hurting anybody or the planet. Just the mere fact that you're fucking here, you know, somebody is crying in a factory somewhere, right? Or the inverse, if you're the kid or the person working in the sweatshop, right? You got to be doing something. You probably taking it home with you, you know, coming home screaming at your wife. That's my part of the concrete slab to sleep on, right? There's something who the fuck knows. I don't know. Maybe I'm just an arrogant, first world country. I have no idea. But let's talk about Formula One racing here, everybody. Nico Rosberg, dude, the level of fucking drama. Like ladies, if you ever wanted to get

into a sport, but you just find, you know, the four major ones in the US, boring or you're not into soccer or whatever the fuck people watch around the world, cricket, you like drama, you like all of that shit. I highly suggest watching Formula One racing. This whole Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton thing, Nico Rosberg, right? He's the, he's the upstart guy. As I said, he finally won his first championship after being a bridesmaid the last couple of years. This is my first year watching it, so I'm sure a lot of this shit I'll have wrong. He wins his first championship. All right. And then out of fucking nowhere, out of the fucking blue, he retired.

He just said, that's it. I'm done. And somebody tweeted that to me. So I looked it up and I saw that it was true. And the only clip I saw was him just standing there and his wife was talking, the entire fucking time. So I'm just sitting there looking, going like, wait a minute, is this guy, was this her decision? You know, he's got a kid on the way. Nico, do you really have to drive again this weekend? Where? Abu, what? It's just so silly. I mean, you know, I drive a car too, you know, I don't have to put a number on it and drive around S turns. I just, it's just such a male testosterone thing. You're hurting the environment. I don't know if he got an area like the whole fucking Yoko thing,

which people always says Yoko broke up the Beatles, which I don't, I don't believe that. I think John and Paul kept bringing their work home, bitching about one another. And after a while, both Linda and Yoko were like, Hey, well, why don't you just quit? I mean, you're not happy, right? And then they just threw that out there. And then the, their ego, you know, like they were called in their bluff. They couldn't be like, well, but there, what would I do? I would have a bit. I don't know if I could write without him, right? So they just, they, they couldn't do that. So they just fucking, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's get back to the, let's get back to the race in here. So I didn't know if it was that version. And then

I read that, uh, what's his face that was a Kiki Lada or whatever. He was trash and Niko Rosberg said he made them look silly and stupid and all of that. And I'm just sitting there. Why the fuck would this guy quit 31 years old? You just won your first one. Now you're going to walk away. You know, what, why would you do that? And then I was thinking, maybe it's his wife, he's got a kid coming along. He just wanted, he was very emotional. He had the come down afterwards where then there's the little bit of a melancholy slash depression. And then he like, fuck, now I got to do this again. And you got to climb back up the mountain again. I don't think it's, you know what I think it is? I think that, um,

Lewis Hamilton was the favorite son. This is, that's just total fucking guess at Mercedes. He's sick of dealing with that dynamic, you know, and he wanted to get out of his fucking contract and the only way out was to retire. So he might leave for, I don't know how long, you know, and then he'll come back with a different team. There's no fucking way he's not coming back 31 years old. There's no fucking way he's not coming back. He's going to take a year off, get his kid up and running, you know, get the kid to be able to use the fucking shit, right? Mama Dada throttle break, right? You got to say a few fucking words and then he's going to be right back out there again. You know, I think he's going to be out

there and he's going to race for a different team, but here's the thing though, those Mercedes cars were so fucking good that all they had to do was just get to the first turn. Whoever won the first turn, right? Won the goddamn race, it seemed. So I'm going to guess, I'm going to guess he's going to go with the Red Bull team because that was the only team that seemed to fucking win anything this year. As far as the shit that I watched, but, uh, Jesus Christ. So Nico's getting fucking trashed. People like what the fuck, five reasons why he would quit. Um, Kiki Rosberg calls him a cunt or something. Uh, Nikki Lauda, sorry, Kiki, uh, Nikki Clauda. I'm like combining names here. Slam's Nico Rosberg for making Mercedes look dumb. Dude, in that last race, when Lewis Hamilton

slowed down, because if Nico Rosberg came in fourth place or worse, Lewis would have won the championship. So he deliberately slowed the fuck down to let the third and fourth place guys catch up. And, um, and then he disobeyed a direct order from his fucking pit crew. This is, I'm telling you, it's fucking top gun. You know, you two characters are going to top gun, right? He, they tell him to speed up. And Lewis was like, nah, yeah, I'm good. I can still win this race. Let's just fucking add 40 years of stress to this fucking guy. Maybe he'll, he'll spin out and I'll win. And, um, Rosberg's also talked about sometimes, you know, when they're out on the track, he doesn't know how far Lewis is going to go. He's going to push me off the track, but Rosberg's

done the same shit. He did that like twice. He has this fucking move where he goes into a turn and it's like, goes straight for way too long. And then oops, at the last second turns away and drives some guy into the gravel. Oh Jesus, Bill, you don't know anything about this sport, do you? I don't know. We'll see what the fuck happens. But that's my call. I think he's going to stay home for a year with this kid, right? He's going to go out of his fucking mind as much as he's going to love his kid as much as he's going to love his wife the entire time that Kenny Loggins song is going to be going on in the background. Fucking something, something, do, but I'm an egg or a cookie or something. Yeah, it's going to drive him up the fucking wall. And he's going to have to

go back out there again. And, you know, and then I think he's going to drive for the rest of his fucking career. That's my guess. All right, so there you go. There's a whole bunch of shit. How often do you hear a bunch of formula one talk on a fucking American podcast? You know, nothing. I go fuck yourself. Hey, how about that Patriots Rams game? You know, that's tremendous. If anybody ever had trouble sleeping, that would have been a great game to fucking watch. Jesus Christ. I actually did. I actually watched you got to watch the game live with me on Facebook. It was something the last second we decided to try at all things comedy. So thank you for the 1500 people or so that tuned in and watched me watch the game. I'm sure they'll

put together some sort of clips from that. So if you guys like it enough, if it gets enough hits, I might start doing that. I want to do it for boring fucking games because if the game matters, you're not going to want to listen to me talking, but Patriots first Rams, that's a good one. Right. And all I do is I just do the first half. So anyways, I might do it with Joe Bartnick or somebody like that, maybe with Paul Verzi at some point. We'll figure it out. So anyway, so I have to go to this memorial service last night. I was so proud of my friend that, you know, I could really see what a great husband and father he was. So I already knew the suit that I was going to wear because when you get to my age,

you know, it's fucking sucks, man. You start losing people and you have your funeral suit, you know, for a lot of people it was, I'm going to a wedding suit. And then that big, as you get older, that he comes, I'm going to a funeral fucking sucks. So you remember last year, I got into the best shape of my fucking life and I went to put on the suit that I fucking bought during that time. Jesus Christ. I could barely get the pants done and I couldn't wear a tie to the event because I couldn't get the shirt closed. And all I did, I put on like 15 fucking pounds. It's like, how skinny was I? And I was just sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror. My mother, my, uh, I don't know, my mother always told me when I, you know, I, she was always like

fucking, I don't know, she was always honest about not being fat fuck kids, which is hilarious to me because who wants a fat fuck for a kid, right? So I'm sitting there screaming at myself in the mirror, right? And, uh, my wife is just sitting there fucking laughing her ass off at me. I'm going to go, look at you. Look at you fucking disgust me. Just, just completely trashing myself because that's how I get myself back into shape. So, um, I remember I mentioned last podcast that I was going to do a half hour cardio every fucking day this month because I'm not putting on the pigs in the blanket fucking apple strudel. What's a good Christmas goose? What do you have? What do you, what do you people have? Chinese food, the Jewish people, right?

What's the shit that everybody fucking eats this month? Make sure you have fat fuck, all of the stuff, the pies, the cookies, the Christmas party, the booze, all of that shit. You end up putting on all this fucking weight. Then what happens? Everybody joins a fucking gym. Everybody joins the gym in January, right? And it's just fucking mobbed, right? And all you got to do is just hang in there until about the second week of February and everybody just starts dropping off like the baton death march or some shit, right? Such a fucked up reference, but I've been watching a lot of World War II shit. I probably even said it wrong. They say baton, like what you twirl, the baton death march. It was a bunch of high school bands that had to walk to the prom that

none of them have dates to. Oh, Bill, do you have to be that mean? You know what? I don't. But it's funny, isn't it? Isn't it? Anyways, so you know what's great? Why don't you beat the fucking new person to the gym rush? Why don't you do yourself a favor and not go into the new year, 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds of away? What say you knock that number number? What's that first number? Huh? Unless you're in triple digits. I, you know, I don't want to fucking give you too much, but if you got a double digit figure, you're trying to lose, let's say you're 20 pounds overweight. Why don't you try to get that two down to a one, you know, get that 18 down to a fucking nine, get that 20 down to a 10, just knock it down, run some fucking miles off your fucking

odometer, right? Come on. Admit it. Good. Nobody's looking. Nobody's looking at cubicle. Reach down, reach down, grab, grab a handful. I'll look at you. Huh? That's what you're going to do. You're going to add to that. Jesus Christ. Come on. Say it with me. I'm a fat cunt. Right? Just say it. One, two, three, I'm a fat cunt. All right. Then the first thing you got to do is, is, is admitting it to yourself and she's lost control over so many of those fucking Christmas cookies, but let's be honest, they don't really taste that good. A lot of them are bad shortbread with some shitty frosting and some sprinkles on it. Right? You don't need that shit. Right? Half hour, half hour every day, make a goddamn playlist. You know what's funny is I've actually, because I'm so dreading doing

cardio rather than listening to some testosterone aggressive shit. Like I actually was listening to like Paul Simon, like my cardio thing starts off with something so right by Paul Simon, which when you really listen to that song, I should look up the fucking, my internet doesn't work down here. The fucking lyrics are really annoying. He's like, when something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it. I'm the first to admit it. But the last one to know, whoa, whoa, whoa, right? So he's already said like, you know, hey, if there's something wrong, like I'll, I'm the first one to admit it. I just never know what that is. I don't know if it, yeah, fuck you Paul Simon, you cunt. I hate when people do that. You know what I mean? They just,

they know that they fucking say that they're an asshole and then they take no responsibility for it because, Hey man, I just don't, like it's hard for me. It's just like hard for me to tell when I'm being a total selfish douche. Come on Paul, you know that, okay? If you can do a fucking sound check, okay? And you can hear that the horns are too far down in the mix. You can't tell me that you can't be in a car with somebody else and not hear that you're being a fucking asshole, you know? And then the rest of it is when something goes right. Oh, it's like you lose me. It's apt to confuse me. Like he's just like, oh, oh, oh, let's all stop and help Paul Simon. You know, that's why he married that Edie Burkell. I'm telling you, you know what

I mean? No fucking broad. His age was going to put up with his horseshit. He had to, he had to find some young chick that was still fucking wide eye, you know, slightly confused. What I am is what I am and what you are or what we are, right? She didn't know what the fuck. She didn't know which way was up. All right. God damn oversized sweater. Fucking walking around. He fucking shows up. Like, you know, I mean, if something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it, but yeah, I never seemed to know. I'm like the last guy to know. Oh, Paul, you're a nice person. All right. Next thing you know, he's behind, just banging away, his fucking toothpaste, slapping off the back of his head, right? That's how the whole fucking thing went down. And in the meantime,

Edie Burkell and the new Bohemians, right? That, you know, for a pop band. I mean, those guys could play great guitars, they had a great fucking drummer. And what happened? Fucking Paul Simon comes up with his hat in hand showing up, you know, Paul Simon got, he got hair plugs right after, I think, Elton John and Elton John got the original one. So like, you know, his head was so scarred up. That's why when he was real coped up in the eighties, he was wearing like those mannequin wigs, because I don't, I don't know what I'm talking about. I think, was I at the grocery store and read a few too many us magazines? And it's all, how the fuck did I get on? Oh, we're talking about working out. Okay. I'm not here to talk about Paul Simon, Edie's fucking relationship. I think I

overstepped a few lines there, especially during this holiday month. So I apologize. All right. So I start with that. Then I go into one trick pony. Then I go 50 ways to, to, uh, to leave you lover with Steve Gad on drums. Um, oh, by the way, he's coming to town with the fucking Eric Clapton. Somebody offered me a fucking ticket. I forgot to get back to him. I gotta, I've seen Steve Gad live before, but I never saw Eric Clapton. But anyways, it goes to that. And then I go and I listened to, uh, uh, what the fuck do I do? A couple of pretenders songs. Then I get into Aerosmith's first fucking album. And then I'm done. Right? Just like that. I eased my way. Ease my way. You know, I start off really easy. Then I get to mid range. And then I just get

to Aerosmith's first fucking one. That's what I did because what I was doing before I was, I was like regretting, like not regretting, hating doing cardio. And I was starting off with like fucking Iron Maiden or Dr. Feelgood. You know what I mean? Like that's not like, if you, if you just waking up and you get not a fucking elliptical, it's all, he's just like Jesus, Vince, Vince, for fuck's sakes. At least I could start with home sweet home, right? You know, I'm a dreamer. You know, I just realized we have company upstairs. Once I put the headphones on, like I don't even fucking realize, I don't give a shit. So I was listening to that and like Iron Maiden. You know, it's just like creeps you out. Like you fucking getting on elliptical.

You have groggy because I got to go into work and shit. Starting your day off. We want information. Information. Information. Who are you? The new number two, who is number one? You are number six, right? How about Vincent Price? A lot of fucking work he got in the early 80s, man. He was fucking crushing it, huh? Whoa, do you owe earth and sea for the devil since the beef was wrapped because he knows that time is short? Let him or that understanding reckon the number of the beast for it is a human number. It's number is 666. Right? And then he was on fucking Michael Jackson's thriller, right? Fucking crazy laugh in the end. I can't remember. The funk of 40,000 years. I never really listened to Michael Jackson. Like I was one of those people

who had to like pretend to be sad when he died. You know what I'm looking at the man in the mirror, you know, she had more. Right? It just never spoke to me. I liked his shit when he was a kid. Oh baby, give me one more chance. I liked right up to off the wall and somewhere. I don't know. I guess I liked some, I liked some of, uh, like Billy Jean was okay. Thriller I thought was stupid. You know, you know, he's actually, thriller isn't stupid. You know what it is? It's fucking whenever it comes on, everybody has to start doing the thriller dance and they always start with the same thing where it's the claws up in the air on either side. Always, always, there's always somebody doing a fucking Michael Jackson impression. You know, you know what's interesting about that

guy as great as he was, the balls of me to critique this man is like, he was one of those guys. He had the sickest fucking dance moves and then he just stopped and he kept with the loafers and he kept doing the leg thing and he kept drabbing his dick and then everybody kind of caught up and went past him. Even though he was still always the greatest dancer of all time, he, he was, it was like he was doing the Charleston his whole, his whole fucking life. Here comes the moonwalk, right? Somebody can't even remotely fucking dance. Um, oh, the fucking balls I'm showing on this podcast. Oh, let's keep going. What other fucking legend can we keep? Can we trash next? Um, yeah, I never got into, uh, I never get like when I was,

that was always like Prince versus Michael Jackson. Like to me, it was, it was always Prince. It wasn't even close and, um, I don't know. Prince is funny because his bad songs always sound like songs that Molly Ringwald would have danced around to in like 16 candles. Like he's got a couple of those. We just like, Jesus, I guess everybody's got those, right? And if he has one of those, geez, Bill, can you trash any more dead geniuses? Yeah, I can't. Let's go. Let's start talking. Let's talk about Mark Twain and fucking Albert Einstein. Is it me or do they both have the same fucking barber? What was it about being a genius back then or someone who was changing the way people were thinking that you just, you had to have that

fucking, that same fucking do it was Sammy, the Sammy Hagar in Van Halen fucking do except it was white, right? Mark Twain had it. Uh, fucking, uh, Albert Einstein had it. Frederick Douglas had that with that fucking itchy beard. Everybody had that. When, when you fucking are just too goddamn smart, you know what I mean? Like shit. I don't know. Well, you just got too much shit to think about. There's something about that hairdo that just, it's just the perfect thing. I bet Sammy looks back and was like, why did, why did I cut my hair like that? It was, you know, the haircut he got was like, when he was younger, when he had the longer hair, that's like the chick you marry. And then like after she has a couple of kids and she just, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

He got like literally got that fucking haircut, you know, just short of, um, are you sad that you, you know, are you moving towards an alternative lifestyle here? Like what is going on with that thing? That was just a bad fucking period, huh? They were wearing those, those peach fucking flash dance fucking overalls. Um, I don't know. All right. Sammy Hagar, I think Sammy Hagar would have been better if he didn't join Van Halen. Oh, I'm going after, I'm fucking, I'm talking about everybody this week. I don't know what I'm doing here. I think I'm going for fucking a reality show right now. Have you heard that song, heavy metal by Sammy Hagar? I liked that better and you watch him performing with his own fucking, but I'm going to fucking tweet that, uh, I'm going to tweet that

fucking video this week. You know what I mean? You tell me that anything he did in Van Halen, not trash Van Halen, cause I fucking love those guys, but I'm just saying Sammy shouldn't jumped in there. He should have kept going. He was on a path. The man could not drive 55. All right. Tall and heavy metal, right? He was fucking great. I don't know what happened. Then all of a sudden, I got the best of both worlds. Right? I don't know what happened. I fucking voice is cracking. All right. I think I've trashed enough people that are way, way, way more talented than I'll ever be. So now it's time. Now it's time to say goodbye to all you fucking cunties. I gotta, I gotta read a little bit of advertising. Oh, and there's a lot, a lot this week, everybody

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safe. Where is it? Burr.com. All right. Let's get to some of the questions here for this week. Hey, did you guys see over in England there? They got the fucking they got some shit that we would even make snow and go. God damn. I didn't even think of that. They got some snooping thing over there where they're just going to everybody. Anything you do on your phone or on the internet or anything like any of that shit, they can just look at it. It's fucking unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Pope presidential election goes by. They never talk about any of that shit. Why the fuck do you think that is? Oh, fucking Obama, right? He was in office when all that snow and shit went through

the big fucking liberal. All you pussies who cried when Hillary didn't get in. You see what the fuck happened when Obama was in? A bunch of babies got so disappointed. Anyways, let's read some fucking shit here. Here we go. Advice on the future. Dear Bill Merfudd, first of all, congrats on the kid. New special yada yada. Thank you. I'm an 18 year old guy out of high school and need career advice. I graduated with honors. Good for you. Straight A's, Jesus, and all that crap. But I currently don't attend college and I'm working some shit job in a pasta factory. Sounds like you're burned out on the academics there. He's, oh, he said, this is because what I really want to do is sing parentheses, classical shit, take piano lessons

and be happy. My dream isn't to be famous or anything, but I love music and want to pursue it. Problem is I have zero background, can't sing, can't play anything, literally zero. There's a great place nearby where I live that gives vocal and piano lessons. And all I want to do is start training my voice and start playing. But I feel like there's no point because I have no experience. Jesus Christ, dude, you know what it is? You're one of these people. You got straight A's. You're an overachiever and you're so goddamn smart. Every time you come up with the option, you know, when the normal level of fear comes up, smarties like you can come up with like, rather than just 10 reasons not to do it, you'll come up with a thousand and you're paralyzed right

now is what's going on. He said, I spend my free, you're only 18 years old, dude. You know, nobody has any experience till they, till they start experiencing it. You're already being way too hard on yourself. He goes, all right. He goes, I spend my free time listening to countless covers of the same song, watching videos on vocal exercises and fantasizing about being a singer one day. I feel I can really do it sometimes, but other times I feel like not even try. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's okay. That first emotion where you feel like trying to do it, you need to listen to that. That second one that talks you out of it, you need to stop listening to that voice. You need to out loud tell that voice to shut the fuck up. That's what I did. I literally

were talking to the, you got to beat the fuck out of that voice. That one that goes, no, no, yeah, but what if this happens? Oh, nobody's going to like me. Sit down and shut the fuck up. All right. I don't need you on this one. I need you when I'm thinking about doing heroin, then I need you going like, well, what if you get addicted and then you die and you make everybody cry? Yeah, yeah, then I'll listen to you. But not when you're going after a dream. You don't listen to any of that negative shit because you'll talk yourself out of it. Anyways, I know you always preach about following your dream, but when it actually comes to doing it, it's very scary. Of course it is. However, I don't want to be 40 years old and think, man, what if my 99 year old aunt

always tells me to do what I want and forget about money, but my parents say that I need a real job. Well, who has more life experience? Your 99 year old aunt, and what does she say? Your parents, they're too close to you, you know, they're worried you're going to be homeless and all that shit. So they're always going to say, just get a fucking job so you can have enough money to put a roof over your head and eat a sandwich. That's all they're thinking of. Nobody dreams of that. Nobody dreams about just having a roof over their head and eating a sandwich unless you're, I don't know, unless you live in some fucking squalor, right? But even then, after a while, once you have the roof over your head, then you're going to at some point be like, I want to do something.

Right? I don't know. Anyways, I've been in between for a year. I've been in between for a year now and need help. I don't want to get massively in debt for something I don't really want. That is so fucking smart. All these poor kids coming out of fucking college, hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt at this fucking point, or at least the high 10,000s, you know, that's when you love being a fucking moron, you know, because then you go to community college doesn't cost shit. You work at Dunkin Donuts, throw a couple of coffees at people and all of a sudden you got money for your next semester. Maybe pursuing music will open doors to majoring in music in the future. I don't know. What should I do? You pale bitch. PS, give Cleo a head scratch for me.

Pit bulls are awesome. And he says, Asian need advice from Bill Burr. Oh, that's the next person. Is that it? Oh, all right. Yeah, you know what's fucked up? I was going to say, oh, you're Asian, dude, you're going to crush the piano. That's one of those stereotypes that I guess is racist, but it's like positive racism. You know what I mean? Dude, take up the cello. You'll be playing for your fucking major cities, Phil Harmonic. All right, this is what I would do. I would just start taking lessons immediately. I would sign up immediately. I would not listen to the rest of this podcast, hit stop, walk over to the phone, call the number and get a lesson as soon as you can go to the lesson. Okay. And then keep going and just see what that feels like.

Don't stop after one and be like, well, I only went to one. I can't even play chopstick yet. Fuck this. Fuck that voice. Keep going. All right. Just say I'm going to stick with this for three months. All right. That's the big thing with it with anything. You got to stick with it for three months and really work at it. Working out, learning an instrument, learning a language. God knows I always end up quitting. I can't even get fucking a hundred days together. Just stick with it and see how you feel after three months. If you feel like this isn't for me, you're not going to have that. Well, what if, what if bullshit because you tried it? So this isn't, you're not making a decision that's going to affect the rest of your life. Don't look at it like that. You're just looking

at the next three months. The next three months are going to happen. Do you want to, after 90 days, still be sitting there going, I have no experience. I don't know what to do. Working in a pasta place. You want to be in this fucking pasta place and you know how to play a couple of songs. Dude, you'll be fucking excited, man. If you actually, if this is what you really want to do, you'll be at work thinking about it. Can't wait to get home and play the fucking piano or, or, or try my singing some songs or whatever. And then once you get that, then that gets in your DNA. And when you have stuff to look forward to in life, all of a sudden shit that you don't look forward to, you start looking at it like, why the fuck am I doing this? This sucks. You know,

I don't want to do this. And then that gets you out of that. You start going down a path of what the fuck you want to do. Then the other side of that is then your whole fucking life is nothing but fun shit. Then when you actually have to do shit that you don't want to do, like go down to the fucking DMV and find the title for your goddamn Prius, right? Then you can be a big fucking baby about it. So there is, there is always a price to pay. But dude, that's what I would do. I would, I would stop listening right now and sign up for those lessons and go in there and just tell your teacher, say, this is something I've always wanted to do. I'm just nervous about it. Just fucking just say what you said to me. And they'll be like,

all right, well, let's, let's get you on that dude. You be fucking playing piano. Boom. That's how easy it is to make a change in your life. Just fucking pick up the phone, say what you want to do. And then when it's time, you show up and you do it. And then you're doing it. You know, you just got to get around all those mental blocks. So I hope you listen to me, man, because you're only 18 years old. So it's not like you're 50, 60. And even then I would still tell you to do it because who gives a fuck whether you get anywhere with it. But if you want to do that, you know, you should do it. All right. That's it for that. Okay. Asian needs advice from Bill Burr. Bill, I love your podcast and you're really awesome. Asian male, Chinese with squinty fucking

eyes and can't drive for shit. Dude, you don't got a shit on yourself. Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America. I guess I always do. I'm a bald, pasty cunt. Anyways, I need your advice. I came to America a year ago and I really love tall, slim, Irish, German girls with red hair. Jesus Christ. I just missed, I just missed being your fucking dreamboat. I think they're beautiful. Well, I'm not tall, am I? Blonde is beautiful, too. Never seen such beauty where I'm from. Holy moly. The problem is I'm not like tall and confident like white guys and I live in Texas. Jesus Christ, dude, this is a fucking reality show waiting to happen. I tried to ask this red head at the gym out and she won't take me seriously. All right, time the fuck out. Dude,

hat off to you for the fucking balls you got. You came here from China. You've learned the fucking language, right? You're in Texas. You're at the gym. You're talking shit, right? Gives a fuck. You went up to the plate. You didn't get on base. Who gives a shit? Talk to another redhead. Talk to a blunt. Talk to whatever fuck you want to keep talking to him. He said, what do I need to do to date a redhead? Oh, Jesus Christ. Wait, because I'm a redhead? Like, I know like there's some secret fucking handshake. He said they want me to be their Asian friend, but I really want to marry him, bang him and have cute kids. This is driving me nuts. I mean, am I going against nature? Is an Asian guy dating white girls frowned upon and not accepted in America?

Thanks in advance. I don't really cuss that much and don't mean to offend you, but I wanted to talk and act like you. Jimmy Chow out. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Is, is Asian guys dating white guys found upon like everything is frowned upon in every fucking country? Generally speaking, people are afraid of anything fucking new. Who gives a shit? Literally like that guy before me who said he wanted to play piano. If he told somebody he wanted to do that, you know, I think initially people would be encouraging or whatever. There's always going to be people telling you not to do shit. Is this what you want to do, sir? Yes. Then I would go out and do it. All right. So it sounds like to me from your

email that you've, uh, you know, I don't know. It's like, it's like you just got into the majors. Okay. It's the first week you haven't gotten your first hit yet. What are you going to do? You're just going to quit baseball, go back down to the miners. Fuck that. Keep, I would keep talking. Every time you hit on a woman, you get better at it. All right. And I would just, uh, I would just continue like you're doing everything you need to do. You go into the gym, you stay in in shape and you're talking shit. I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't see anything wrong with your game plan other than, you know, it hasn't happened for you yet. And, um, this is something, uh, you know, it's going to take a minute. You know, if you just walk up and talk to some

chicken at the gym and get laid, I mean, then everybody would be fucking doing it. The reason why most people don't do it is because they know that 99.9% of the time you're going to get the fucking Heisman. Hey, easy, easy. This is my elliptical over here. This is your elliptical over there. Right. Fuck off. Right. And for all the women, they're going like, can you just like not hit on us at the gym? Can you just fucking nod? Can I just have this fucking place? Hey, they make gyms for that. They make the all ladies fucking gyms. All right. The fuck you going to go there working out looking good. And then you're upset that a guy is coming up and hitting on you someday. Ladies, some days they're not going to want to talk to

you. Take it from somebody. Okay. Who the women, they don't even, they, they don't even like, you don't even like register. Like I'm, I'm like, I'm a fuck. I'm a sir. I became a sir or a mister like fucking 15 years ago and it's over. All right. Okay. Boyfriends obsessed with video games. Now I know somebody's in 70 new email. Well, I was fucking they're going to talk about some borderline sexual assault thing. Obviously that's not what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about a little playful flirtation of someone who wants to fuck you. Boyfriends obsessed with video games. How far into this podcast am I? All right. This one's going to be a little bit short. I usually go a little over an hour, but that's when I'm going to have to stop today because I got to go

into fucking, I got to go to work. Boyfriends obsessed with video games. Hey, Buffalo Bill, I love your podcast and I'm a huge fan. My boyfriend and I love both love to listen to your rents about whatever bullshit comes to mind. I myself have ADD and can find myself rambling about something completely different than whatever it was I started to ramble about. Anyway, my boyfriend has always been a huge fan of video games and he can play them all day if he could. More recently, he has been obsessed with one game in particular for the last eight plus month and has really put a strain on our relationship. He will turn on his Xbox from the second he gets home until about four hours before he has worked the next morning. Jesus. So we pretty much spend no

time together unless it's me watching him play with his friends. He talks to his friends while he plays online, in which case, even if I do say something to him, he either doesn't hear me or just ignores me. I've tried talking to him about it and he refuses to change or compromise. It's even started to affect our sex life. Well, I imagine it would because he has no time for sexy time. We're both still young and in our late twenties and I hate that I'm practically begging him to turn off the game so we can canoodle in the sheets. I've been contemplating just breaking off our relationship of five plus years because it's been this way for months and it has only gotten worse. I'd love to hear what the wise Nia has to say as well. Thanks for all the good laughs and

congratulations on both the use on the new baby birth. Thank you. Unfortunately, Nia's not here. Let me see if I can get her. Hold on one second. Okay, she's on her way down. I would say, first of all, you've been together for five plus years. Initially, my first thought when you were doing this is what I would do if what would make me pay attention is I would just start going out with your friends and just start wearing fucking sexy outfits and shit and he'll get the message immediately. If you walk out the door looking good and he's sitting there fucking playing video games and stuff and he, if he doesn't get that hint, then yeah, you got to be thinking like, well, what the this guy is just this guy's more interested in this shit than what I'm doing over here with my

fucking Christmas leggings going out to a Christmas party dressed like a fucking hot piece of ass over here. That's that's what the fuck I would do. You've already tried to talk to him. I got to be honest with you. I understand people becoming obsessed with video games. It's why I don't play them. But to me, this I'm a bit of a cunt when it comes to video games. To me, that's that's a child activity. You know what I mean? Like what is this person working towards? What do they have for a fucking job? They come home from their job and they just play a video game for the whole fucking rest of the day. It does not sound like a driven man. That's another fucking red flag. So that's what I would I would just start building a life. Initially, I would start building a life

without him to see if he notices and maybe you guys can get back to where you were. Or if he doesn't notice, then you already have a head start on getting the fuck away from this guy. So the lovely Nia is here. I'm going to hit pause and let her read this email. Or Nia, if you just want to, you can just read this while I continue to ramble here. It starts right here. My boyfriend's been a fan of the video games. Yada, yada, yada and all that shit. So that's that's basically that's what I would do. And as I mentioned a long time ago, the last video game that I played was Grand Theft Auto 3. And it literally consumed my life. I would be walking to the comedy clubs getting on a bus and I would be thinking about the game when I wasn't even

I wasn't even at home. I'd be waiting to go on stage thinking about okay, you know, I'll finish this set and I'll go home and I'll use the cheats and I'll just go on a fucking rampage and all that shit. And it just kind of took over my life. So here's the lovely Nia with her advice. First of all, can I just say that this problem really sucks. And that's really annoying. And that you're both in your 20s. And he's like addicted to playing video games. I'm sorry, but that's a lame ass. And you need to move on seriously. Five years, five plus years. It's been this way for months. It's only gotten worse. Yeah. You said you try to talk to him about and he refuses to change or compromise. Well, it's just yeah, he obviously his priorities for this video game.

I don't know if he is there's something else going on in your relationship or did he have some kind of something bad happened recently that he doesn't want to deal with or something. And that's why he's so consumed by the video games. Because I'm just trying to think like what normal, healthy, happy person just all of a sudden doesn't want to bang his broad. Yeah. And hands over his life to a video game. Like I feel like something happened. And he's not able to like, but you talk too quietly. Okay, because you're sticking it in my face. Like, because you do this, you start talking all the way over here and the people can't hear you. Oh, okay. Looking at the levels. All right. That's sorry. That's fine. Yeah, I would not necessarily say, listen, listen, it's the video

games are me. But you can just say something along those lines of like, listen, I feel like I'm not a priority in your life. And if that's the case, then we really need to talk about this relationship. Because if you're not into it, then just let me go so I can find somebody who's into me. And it's going to pay attention to me and not their Xbox. This is what I was saying. She should do. She should just fucking dress like a whore and go out that night and just see if he notices. Like just have like fucking, you know, the fucking thigh highs on and all that shit. If he doesn't get it then thigh highs. Yeah, just dress like a fucking whore. High highs. They're stockings. They go up to your thighs and then they stop and there's this glorious little fucking hint of

you're so old that you feel like women are going out and like thigh. It's like they're like saloon mistresses like on Westworld. Why? Because I came of age in the 1800s. Why are you acting like you guys don't always whore it up every fucking holiday? You'll whore it up on your birthday. You'll whore it up on Halloween. You'll whore it up on Christmas. Sex it up. It's called being sexy. Sexing it up. Sexing it up when you clam on the fucking bladder. That's what you guys do. It's different. Titties out, clam peeking out from underneath the sheet. No, no, because I don't, I don't believe in that passive aggressive shit. It's just like, listen motherfucker, are you into this or not? Because if not, then I need to move on. The thing

is though, honey, he's made his choice. That's what I think that you don't necessarily want to fully admit to. He's made his choice. He's more interested in the video game for whatever reason. He won't talk about it. He won't compromise. He's made his choice. Maybe he's not into the relationship anymore. Is that a possibility? Is it a possibility that he maybe she needs to whore it up? She's saying she's like trying to, she's trying to like beg him to, to even have sex, which is ridiculous. It could be that he is just not into the relationship anymore. And he's such a fucking pussy ass puss that he's waiting for you to be

the one to dump him. Cause a lot of people do that. A pussy has puss. I don't even know. But you know, some people are, they don't want to be the bad guy or they're just immature and cowardly. So they don't want to say, listen, I think we should break up because they feel guilty because it's been five plus years. So they do shit like this to like make you be the one to break up with them because they're cowards. You know what I mean? So it is possible. So in conclusion, what are you saying? I'd say dump his ass. Bye. There you go. All right. See that? All right. Yeah. You want to listen to me read out loud? Oh God. I know. It must be hilarious. This fucking baby realizes that I'm not good at reading. What

age do you think they're going to be fucking turning around and kind of look up at me like I feel like mommy doesn't sound like this. You'll be good at reading like children's stories. All right. I walked into that one. All right. Here's some adult advertising. Ladies, it's the holiday season and you know what that means. It's time to whore it up. Kidding. MVMT watches movement. We get it. Holiday shopping can be tough. I don't like so we get it. Like I'm already bitching. I'm not. I think it's the read is we get it. Holiday shopping can be tough. Yeah. It's more sympathy. It's not hostility, which that's your default emotion is hostility. This is more of a week. Yeah,

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