Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-5-22

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

Bill rambles about sneaker shopping, rituals, and testosterone.   MeUndies:  Get 20% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee by going to www.MeUndies.com/BURR

We Bring It Here Recordings and biography. As long as youMA4 pandemic with whom you talk races. Enjoy Christmasと yearning in the video with the amazing and diverse assortment of Albert Heijn special seasons and also look for the 2nd episode on De Wereld in hetCleijn.be That's an Encore for Albert Heijn Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 5th, 2022. What's going on? How are ya?

Holy shit, the fucking year's almost over dude. Let me shut off the heat here. I got it cranking and it's fucking making too much noise in my ears over here. Anyway, yeah, another fucking year. Almost over. Am I shutting this fucking thing off? No, you gotta go over here, you hit off. And then it goes for another fucking 3 minutes and then it finally shuts off. Holy shit, what a weekend of football that I missed. I was being daddy daycare this whole weekend, which I mean if you're gonna miss a bunch of great football, which I did.

Shocking upsets in the NCAA. Unbelievable results. I was hanging with my kids. My son's going through this, I don't know, this euphoric period of loving his dad. And I am enjoying every minute of it, so I mean if he's gonna be this excited to see me, you know, something's gotta give. And that was the watching the football. But right now I got on the Raiders vs. the Chargers. I took the Chargers. What a fucking beautiful stadium that is. I went to a game there like last year or something like that.

I'm gonna be there for Raiders vs. Pats right the day after my tour. And speaking of the end of the year, things are winding down. The film is finally gonna be finished. That's gonna be wrapped here in about December 13th. My tour wraps on December 16th. And then I'm gonna have a bunch of free time to spend with my wife and family, which is gonna be fucking awesome. I cannot wait. I missed the games, but I did see, you know, the results of what happened. USC inexplicably loses to the Utah Jazz.

I don't even know who they are. The Utah something or others. The Utah BYUers. Congratulations to them. Knocking off USC. USC, Jesus Christ. Fucking blew it. They're in the playoff. And then TCU loses. TCU, come on frogs.

TCU like fucking wins. When they need to win, they win. That is the first time in a long fucking time I've seen them fuck up a game. Even though I didn't see it, I saw the friggin highlights. The old analytics, let's go forward or whatever, which I've given up on because the analytics are proving me wrong every week. I guess that's how you play basketball is you just shoot fucking three pointers from half court the whole game. And you know, even though you missed 90% of them, if you take 6,000 of them, you'll score 120 points and win. I believe that's how the math works.

Makes for an exciting game. Makes for an exciting game. Fuck pick and rolls. Just bring it over to the Senate court and then launch it with nobody underneath. Anyway, it feels good to have a fucking game on though. So it's the first 10 days. Oh, let me finish talking about college football. So then all of a sudden, like I wake up Saturday morning and USC lost.

What the fuck? And I'm not thinking anything about that, that that knocks them out of the playoffs playoffs because, you know, I'm busy, right? I'm not really thinking anything. And then fucking TCU loses. And I didn't know where they were ranked. And then all of a sudden people are talking like Alabama or Ohio State might get in and I'm like, what the fuck? Ohio State's gonna, I mean, Alabama gets in with two losses. But then again, they play in the SEC. Is that Fred Bolitnikov with the worst fucking haircut I've ever seen in my life?

Look at this guy with a pageboy fucking haircut. 1450 to go in the third quarter if you're watching at home. Is that the new owner? Is that Al Davis Jr. Bolitnikov Hendricks. Fumble. Come on. Get on that fucking thing.

You fucking son of a bitch. See, this is why I don't watch the games in front of my kids. Dude, how can the Raiders suck every year and have a uniform that good? It just doesn't make any sense. Maybe because I grew up when they were great. When I see that uniform, I see victory. I see Ken Stabler. I see Jim Plunkett.

I see Kenny King. Was his knee down? Was his knee down? No, it wasn't. By the way, what the fuck are the Chargers wearing? You know, they have those great uniforms. What are they doing with these fucking yellow pants? They look like some new superhero from the 70s, like Shazam.

It's the kind of pants he would fucking wear on a date trying to impress somebody. Yeah, there you go, buddy. That's okay. It's okay. You just fucked us 13 to 10. Yeah, I know. I know. I know.

I know. I'm sorry. Guy in the fucking hood is sweatshirt. He's just not even paying attention. Anyway, come on, Tief. Oh, and I think I'm in the short field. Derek Carr. Derek Carr, standing tall in the pocket, goes to the corner of the end zone.

Touchdown. There it is. Just like that. Go fuck yourself, freckles. I might go 0 and 4 this week. Anyway, plowing your head here. So then all of a sudden I'm watching, I watched Michigan versus Purdue, which was a great game through the half.

And then I ended up having to do a spot at the store. So I caught most of the second half when Michigan was starting to pull away with that number seven kid just stepping in. I know he was sharing running back duties. He's now just established himself as a presence, especially in the second half, was just running through Purdue's defense, making that first guy miss Jesus Christ. When they overloaded that one side, I'm like, okay, I think they're going to the left side. And there was that one guy.

You had one job, contain him. He fucking shook him. Had him leaning right. He went back left and then that was fucking all she wrote, making that guy look like me out there. So anyway, all of a sudden I'm seeing at halftime, Nick Saban lobbying as to why Alabama is a two loss team. I mean, two losses in fucking the SEC is at least three in any other fucking.

I mean, come on, the amount of powerhouse teams they have down there. I know you other divisions don't want to fucking hear it, but it is the best football in college. It's been that way for a long fucking time and they have the titles to prove it. All right, Alabama won like 90% of the titles. LSU got one. Who else got? I don't know who the fuck else got one. Jim Tebow.

Um, anyway, and not even, I'm not even thinking OSU was even in the fucking equation. Ohio State, ladies and gentlemen, somehow I don't know what the amount of money that that fan base has to bring in when you stick them in the playoff that they picked fucking OSU who played nobody of significance this year other than Michigan and got the shit kicked out of them, got trounced both sides of the ball, got out coached, the whole fucking thing. So now they're in it. They backed in as first with the horseshoe hanging out of their ass.

They are now in the playoffs, which I got to tell you as a fan is a lot of fun because they kind of stink when it comes to the top, probably seven teams in the country. I would think that they're not worthy of being in there. I'm just pissing them off in fucking Columbus right now. I don't think they're worthy of being in there, but somehow they got in there. So now you got to be thinking to yourself, is this a team of destiny? What if all of a sudden they turn it on? You know, because who's kidding who?

Everybody knows what's going to happen when Georgia fucking lines up against fucking Ohio State. It's not even going to be a game. That's going to be a game you're going to shut off at fucking halftime. That's what should happen. That's what everybody thinks is going to happen. That's where the money's going to go. And that's what's going to make you nervous.

Yeah. I'm sorry, I've been watching a lot of Macho Man Ready Savage. Didn't need them then. Don't need them now. Yeah. I'm going to start arguing with my wife and after I make points go, yeah. I did the dishes. I made the breakfast.

I brought in the trash pills. Yeah. I work on that impression. I know it's brutal. The beat goes on and the beat goes on. Anyway, so it's the first 10 days of the month. I think I had bronchitis. I think that's what I had.

I kept calling it Bill and Kitis. Rest is Soul, the great center and dentist of the New England Patriots number 67, one of my first football cards I ever got. I think I had bronchitis. I think that I'm going to say that that's what it is because as an artist, I don't have a primary care physician. I try to have it, but my insurance doesn't cover anything. I don't even take the card out anymore.

I just go, how much is it? I don't want to go through the extra fucking 90 seconds that you and then shaking your fucking head. The only thing more frustrating than trying to use my insurance is, this is going to be a hold. This is going to be a holding call. Jason, look at this guy. Even with vertical stripes, you can tell he needs to lose fucking 40 pounds.

I would not want to get in front of that guy with a head of steam. There's something about him. There's something about his fucking profile. I'm talking about the ref. Oh, this might be a hold on the defense. The old stretch in the jersey. The only thing more frustrating than trying to use my health insurance card, and I feel bad I made fun of that ref.

He looks like a good father. I only cough now when I laugh. That's sad. That's going to be the name of my next comedy album, or maybe my autobiography, which by the way, I love when people write an autobiography midway through their life. I always wonder what that means. Do you plan on checking out soon? Or do you think that you live such an exciting life that only hearing about half of it is

enough? Are you planning to tap out? And that's a first dad and more. I didn't like that awkward fall. Yeah, you know what I mean? Even Keith Richards, all this shit he did, that guy could write 4,000 fucking books. He waited until his 70s before he wrote one. I mean, granted, it was 700 pages long.

Or maybe you just get an offer. They make you an offer you can't refuse. Anyway, Detroit Lions. I had the Lions this week, I believe. I believed in the Lions. I did not go fucking. Come on, man. The fucking Chargers win.

I go two and two. They cover. Right? I think they were, I think they were given three. These fucking Raiders defense looks good, though. Anyway, the only thing more frustrating, at some point I'm going to get through this fucking idea, the only thing more frustrating than, I mean, look at the fucking San Francisco 49ers, they're up 17 to 10 against Miami and Jimmy Garoppolo is out of the game.

Figure that one out. The only more frustrating than me trying to finish this idea, and you guys listening to it, is trying to buy, the only more frustrating people than me trying to use my health insurance card is me trying to go out and buy sneakers. You know, I'm a size 12. They never have it, which is fine. I don't know why they don't, they don't order enough of them. I go out there, right?

I fucking ask the guy, you got these in a 12 and they always come back and do the same thing. I got it in a 10. Oh, great. Great. I'll cut the back off. I'll turn them into fucking flip flops. Like, what does that even fucking mean?

It's two sizes too small. When do you ever come out with a smaller size? I could see if I was 14 years old with my first little fuzzy mustache on my upper lip and I was still growing, and you came out with a sneaker two sizes too big, and I could be like, oh, maybe I can wear that in my junior year, right? My puberty voice. You know, I'm a grown man, I'm 40, I'm 54 years old, I'm a fucking 12. The guy comes out, I got him in a 10 and I'm looking at him and he's looking at me like

I'm gonna like, well, maybe I could scrunch my old fucking toes up. So the guy goes, I go, do you have any in the other stores? He goes, nah, I don't. He goes, you know what, just take a picture of the number on there or the sneaker and just Google it and it'll come right up. So I Google it and lo and behold, it comes right up. See, I'm so old, I still go to the mall, everybody. I like going to the mall.

You know, going down there, getting a fucking malt, you know, buying a flexible flyer to go sledding. Try to think of old school shit you did at the mall back in the day. What in the fuck is Herbert doing? I think he's hearing footsteps. Herbert, that doesn't sound like a great quarterback's last name. He is a great quarterback. He's going to bring Herbert back.

When was the last time somebody named a kid Herbert, Herbie? All those H ones went away, huh, Hal, Hugh, Herbert, Hanscombe. It's going to be funny when this generation gets old and all those J names become old man names, Justin, Josh, Apollonia, San Francisco adds another three points. Justin Herbert just fucking throwing the ball in the general direction of number 13. That was the game plan on this drive. It failed once. It failed twice.

It's now fourth and five. Bring on the punting unit. Yeah, so I go online and I go to order these fucking sneakers. They show right up. I had my pick of websites. There was a bunch of fucking assholes on eBay, you know, those cunts that stand in line, these sneaker heads, I believe they are, and they go in and they buy every fucking sneaker in there so it sells out.

They go in an old fucking, you fucking cunt. Fucking wide right. Why do I gamble? Anyway, I just realized I'm older than most of the coaches in the NFL. Anyway, so I find this website. I go to a website, you know, I just feel like if I just buy him off some dude and he takes my money and then disappears, what happens? eBay is going to investigate what online they're going to do an investigation and what shut

down his account that he can create another one. I remember one time I bought a vinyl of this Prince album because I follow Questlove. He was talking about this Prince album and I went on eBay and lo and behold, there was some guy in Japan had it and I paid top dollar for it. I came back. You know what it was? It wasn't the right album and he had my fucking money and he lived in Japan and that was it. So I figured at least if it's a fucking store, you know, maybe I had a shot.

So I ordered these fucking sneakers and I don't know if I read it wrong. They took my money and I don't even know if they have it in stock. I don't even, I don't even know why I even bought the fucking things. I have more sneakers than I have space on my, I just have like three little shells. My wife has the other 52. That's how it works. Okay. And she has shoes up there like, you know, like you have, like she hasn't won in years.

They all do. It's what they do. It's just, it's, it's what the fuck they do. All right. I have more screwdrivers than I need. You know, I just bought a ratchet set that had metric and standard. I was very excited about that. Speaking of which, I wanted to fly so bad yesterday.

It was literally the perfect day. It just rained on Friday, but I had to shoot something for a buddy of mine and it was just right in the middle of the day. So I went up there and I did one of my favorite things to do other than fly is I go up and I pre-flight the helicopter. So it's all ready to go, you know, the next time. All I got to do is, you know, I do, you know, I was doing a quick once over, but I do the main, the main shit.

I get it out of the way and then I can just kind of go and fly. And last night when I went up there, there was these amazing cloud formations and the sun was going down and I swear, if I had more experience flying at night, I would fly at civil twilight. Seems to be the time to go, but I was thinking the other day, all I got to do is just find out when the sun sets, that information is on the internet. And all I do is just make sure my flight ends a half an hour before that. And that'll be fun.

So those are the kinds of things I plan to do. Old Freckles plans to do. Look at the Rams. Look at the Rams covering with a quarter to go. Down four points. I believe they're covering. That's what I want to do when I have this time off. I'm taking a couple months off.

Oh, for fuck's sakes. Is that even defense? Is that even deal with the liquid death being held up? I love it. What was that liquid death or was that one of those morta bellows? No, that's the meat. I don't know. I don't booze anymore.

Um, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. These are not the beginning of the season Raiders. This is such a classic matchup. These were great games when I was a kid. Dan Fouts versus Jim Plunkett. The fucking Chargers would score a zillion points and just couldn't just their defense. They had Chuck Muncie at running back for a second. They had Fred Dean on defense and then I believe he went to the 49ers.

How I remember that. I have no fucking idea. But anyway, it's the first 10 days of the month and I told you this is my new thing. I detox from everything. I hadn't had a cigar since the end of October, but I actually smoked one yesterday, which I wasn't supposed to do, but I was in a scene and it required me to do it. It was either I smoked a cigar or I did hedge clippers, but the other guy was a plumber and I felt like those were two sort of working with your hands things that I felt the cigar

was funnier. But also, you know, at the end when we were wrapped, one of the people there that worked on it, Izzy was his name. I remember that because of Guns N' Roses said, you know, you want me to take that cigar? And I was like, no, I'll finish it. Does that cough my brains out? All right, sorry. I had to go take care of that, you know, because somebody wrote in and said their grandmother

was like 90 and she never swallowed bad spit as gross as that is. I now live by that much to my wife's chagrin here. So anyway, yeah, I ended up taking the cigar and I smoked it in my car. What's funny when you smoke a cigar in the car, you know, you have it hanging out the window so you don't stink up your car too much. And what's funny is you drive down the street and it actually ashes the cigar and simultaneously keeps it lit because with all that air getting pushed through the cigar, it's like you're taking a draw on it.

But what's funny is if you get down to the nub, it actually starts to heat up your fingers. You're going to pull it back in the car. So that's what I did, right? And I stopped at a red light and it also ashes the cigar too, right? So but I stopped at a red light and it took too many pups or the light was long. One of those ones I had to sit there through like two and there was, I didn't notice I had a little bit of an ash there and I started driving and I had the sunroof open and it all blew back in my face all into my fucking car.

And I was like, all right, well, I'll get the little handheld out when I get home and the handheld little shop vac thing that me and my wife have had for fucking years, we've said we need to get a new one. This thing sucks. This, no, this thing doesn't suck. That's the fucking problem. And you turn it on and it just goes like, and there's no suction and I don't for the life of me.

No, we haven't gotten a new one. So once again, I turn it on and it's like, so I mean, you can get the stuff off the seats, but the stuff on the console, it just, you know, it just tapped out. So I got to get a new one. But anyway, let's talk about something a little more exciting was I, Jesus, this fucking defense is just, it's just non-existent for the charges here. I did three spots this week and I did two at the store and one down at the improv. And I have to mention, I have to say rest in peace to bud Freeman.

One of the legends of the standup comedy history, the boom of the eighties, you know, his comedy club was the site of, um, evening at the improv that classic Robin Williams special. I remember watching that and, um, was shot right at the improv and Melrose and on Melrose. And, uh, I remember watching that as a kid, not getting a lot of the jokes and shit and being like, wow, what is this? This is like LA and Hollywood. He shot this right in Hollywood. This is really fascinating for somebody, there's something about it.

And I remember Robin said something about bud and bud was standing in the back. He was always in the back and, uh, at least they always made, made a mention of him on touchdown dolphins, um, you know, he always had the monocle, whatever you call it. But he was a great guy, was always great to me and, um, I was really sad to hear that news. It's crazy too. Cause like, I sit down and I think like Mitzi shore has gone, bud Freeman's gone, Lucian Holt's gone, or Lucian Holt, I wouldn't have known it was Holder Holt, um, and, uh, Manny

Dwarmen. And I was just thinking to all of those fucking giants that are no longer, um, a fucking weird thing, man. It's a weird thing life, as you get older, people just start dropping, you know, like I've told you this a bunch of times, one of my, my grandmother lived to be almost 105 and she went through three sets of friends. She had her original set of friends and then she outlived like two more generations because most people drop, you know, start dropping in their 60s and 70s.

I just remember every time I go over a house to be a new old lady playing bridge there. Um, so anyway, um, rest in peace to the great bud Freeman. Thank you for all the stage time. Thank you for creating the improv. They created that whole chain and all the great stage time I got, um, speaking of great stage time. Last night I went up at the comedy store and there's this new chunk I've been working on and you know, there was some bumps or whatever, but I've been having like some of the best

sets of my standup career. I don't know why, but, um, I just think it's cause my schedule's starting to free up. So I don't have to like dedicate so much brain power to other shit, um, like watching the chargers not fucking play defense here in the second half. It's not really their fault. It's, it's the fucking offense. Okay. Get a goddamn first down.

So they're like, I wear my Keynes's old number, 22, what do you know? All right. Sorry. This is like extra distracted this week. All right. Let me do, uh, let me do some of the reads here for the, for the week here. Who are we? Oh, look who we got here.

But up, but me on these me on these smoke a fucking cigar, but do, do, do me on these me on these finish it in your car. The ashes go right in your fucking face. You used to be white now. They don't know your race cause you burned your face with the fucking end of the cigar, and it's not going to stop you from smoking. The charges can't tackle, um, all right, me on these, everybody, who doesn't love getting new undies for the holidays?

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All right. Um, and with that, I think we're going to move on to the content here before I start having a fucking coughing fit. Um, there we go. There we go. I just had to get that one out. Wait, does Brad Pitt have a new fucking movie?

I'm going to watch this. The visionary, the dreamer. All right, I'm in. Mind blowing. I'm already in. I'm already at Brad Pitt. I got it. I'm in Babylon December 23rd.

I miss going to fucking movies. What by the movie theater the other day? All they had was stuff for kids and those fucking superhero movies. It's like, what happened to all the other shit? The cinema's not the way I remembered it. You know, I was saying that the other day, like the job of the old, of older people is to tell younger people that it's not as good as it used to be, that everything used to be better, which is so fucking stupid, right?

What you're really saying is I used to be younger and I enjoyed my life more before certain decisions brought me to this moment. Um, why does 60 minutes always have some guest in a suit with his legs crossed pointing while he's talking? I always feel like you're guilty. Whatever the fuck he's saying, I don't buy it. I don't buy it.

They didn't buy it. They didn't buy it now. Yeah. Um, anyway, um, I just completely lost my train of thought. Oh, I know. I saw this, this meme or whatever the fuck you kids call them. And it said, it was this beautiful young woman and it just says, hi, I'm a new

artist and then underneath it was a picture of kiss and somebody being like, all new music sucks. No music was good unless it was recorded when I was in high school. My wife left me. Ah, made me laugh my ass off. And I was like, you know what, I'm kind of guilty. I know I would never say all music sucks nowadays. Um,

I just don't know where to find the good shit, but people, when they show me, I listen to it and I'm like, I do like that. Um, but you know, you got to, you know, in, in, in defense, of old people, I mean, mumble rap, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what the fuck am I? Let me, come on. Is that just to annoy people? I liked how it got to the point where I guess one guy was like high on something

and he did it and then people thought it was cool or funny. And then people actually started going into the studio pretending they were high and mumbling. That's what I heard. Anyway, oh, Jesus Christ, all the time in the fucking world. Touchdown. Good. Okay.

Knocked it out last second. Jesus fucking Christ. So, um, anyway, let me, uh, let me stop being, it'll fuck you. I'm going to be the old guy that I am. All right. Let me read some of the, uh, this old guy give you some fucking advice here. Oh, also another, another one. Rest in peace.

The legendary Pat from Munaki. If you're not familiar with him, if you have a fucking soft, uh, you know, if you get queasy, easy, queasy, easy, um, don't go to this clip, uh, Google OPI and Anthony, the baby bird. Um, they had this, this classic, uh, contest during the holidays. It was the egg nog drinking contest. And you had to do a double shot of egg nog, like every 30 seconds. Last one to not puke was the winner.

And he was the year I went there. He was the defending champ having already lost a toe to diabetes. Um, the man played the game and he won. He was a champion. He was funny as hell. He was a great guy and also an ACDC fan. So rest in peace to a opiate Anthony, uh, legendary listener, uh, Pat from Munaki.

All right. Let's get into it here. Monday morning, park tasks, content, uh, pulsic injury. All right. If you're going to talk about football for fuck's sake, do a tiny bit of reading. Um, why? Uh, Christian Paul, Pulisic suffered a pelvic contortion from a goalkeeper knee, not exactly flopping a word you cunts made up and used without any

knowledge, stick to hockey. Okay. So a soccer player finally actually got hurt. You know what I mean? I mean, first of all, don't even fucking act. We call it flopping over here. I don't know what you guys call it, giving your team a rest. I mean, it's literally pretending your hurt is literally part of soccer.

Don't even fuck. So I mean, how many times are you going to cry wolf before I'm going to be like, even when you actually get fucking hurt, I'm not going to believe that it happened. Um, all right. If you're going to talk about football for fuck's sake, let's do a tiny bit of reading. I don't do a tiny bit of reading about anything. Everything on this, you just give a fuck.

You give a fuck about it. All right. Jesus Christ. Every fucking six minutes, there's somebody rolling around on the fucking pitch in agony, agony. And then five seconds later, you see the same guy running down the, it's like when Paul Pierce got carried off the court. Oh no, like a, I don't know what the fucking final in two seconds later, he

came walking back. I was like, what the fuck was that? That's my team I'm making fun of. They'll get the rate of fans, bunch of animals. Um, I'll tell you this, sir, the women play a manlier game of soccer than the men do. There's way less flopping, way less flopping. They get hit.

They bounce back up. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on with the guy. So I guess this guy actually got hurt. So my apologies. All right. But you can't get mad at me. What do you mean do a little bit of reading?

I got to read about every fucking injury. If I did a little bit of reading about that, sir, I would find out that 90% of the people were actually okay. Listen, I saw most salad one time on a fucking breakaway, whatever the fuck you call it, a freebie, a friendly, he's running down the fucking field there or the pitch or the hedgerow is Robert plant might call it. And this guy behind him, just fucking just like a fucking, I don't know what got the one of the most cowardly moves ever.

He just took his cleat and just fucking stomped on the back of his fucking calf. All right. All right. And the guy kept going and he went down and scored a goal. You know what, if it was hockey after he did that, he could have turned around and beat the fuck out of that guy. So that guy wouldn't do it again. That's what's missing in soccer.

All right. Why don't you watch a little bit of hockey and see how a man's game played. All right. Instead of watching a bunch of men fucking rolling around in agony in their goddamn shorts every fucking three minutes. Jesus Christ. If I wanted to watch that, I'd watch Sex in the City. He didn't call me back.

I know soccer is a beautiful game. I'm just being a cunt. I wish I had time to watch more of the World Cup. I mean, it's actually the only true world championship I feel. You can't even say that about the Olympics. Look at the fucking Rams. The Rams are going to win this goddamn game. You can't even say that about the Olympics because there's all of these,

all of these, you know, PEDs and all of that shit. They always just seems to be, or even like back in the day when we didn't let professional athletes play in the Olympics and then we would go against Russia and it was their pro athletes versus our fucking amateurs. There's always, there's just too much fucking, I'm not a big Olympics guy. All right. Coffee hobbyist. Hey, Bill, I got really into coffee during the first months of the pandemic.

I mean, really into it. I spent over $400 on equipment. Oh my God. Electric grinder, Sheemix, Chemex, temperature controlled goose neck kettle, Aeropress, French press. I haven't bought an espresso, espresso machine yet. Dude, those things are like, you can buy a fucking engine for your car for the amount of money those things are.

They're like two or three grand. I haven't bought an espresso machine yet to get into milk drinks yet though. Once you learn more about coffee, you discover that it's very similar to other hobbies like craft beer. It's interesting, fun and enjoyable. Yeah. And also highly addictive. The ritual of making a good pour over in the morning is cathartic and like meditation.

I mean, I can't argue with that. I mean, I got to be honest with you, sitting down with a cigar, you know, when you have your right drink, you know, the proper ashtray, the right group of people, you know, what kind of, you know, there's people actually know whether you go straight cut or a V cut on different styles or whatever. How you light the thing. I love a ritual. That's making me want to have a nice cup of coffee right now.

Anyway, grinding the beans, boiling the water. It's a peaceful process. You should take up a career in writing about coffee because I got relaxed just reading that ever since then. I only grind and buy fresh roasted beans from the local roasters in my city and state to support small businesses. Jesus Christ. Is this who did Santa Claus write this?

This is incredible. I also don't go to Starbucks anymore. Dude, fuck Starbucks. Starbucks could make a fucking espresso with their goddamn life dependent on it. They goddamn burnt beans. That is the McDonald's. They're probably owned by McDonald's. That's the McDonald's of fucking coffee.

Fuck Starbucks. I only go to smaller local coffee shops and maybe smaller local small local chains. You should explore more about coffee outside of a cappuccino. You might really enjoy it. Thanks and go love yourself. Look at this person. Just this person here has figured out life. Why don't you help me out?

I just love a cappuccino so much. I've never tried anything else. No Americano or whatever. I've never done that. I like an espresso or a cappuccino. I'm sort of parked there until I get sick of it. You know, I did find a. I was in a part of Hollywood.

I'm never in and I found this this coffee shop that was. It was made from an old gas station. And they made a great espresso and cappuccino. I don't know, dude. Do I really do? I really need another thing to get into. You know, because then I'm going to go out and then I'm going to buy this stupid espresso machine and then I'm going to buy the beans and I'm going to do all of that.

You know what? I actually I looked into it and what I actually thought was, you know what? I'm going to let somebody else who figured this out, make this shit for me. And I'll give them my money. Having said that, I learned how to make a French omelet this week, which is. Not saying I do it well, but I actually finally understand the ins and outs of it. And I made three of them this week. I'm getting a little sick of eating omelets, but practice makes perfect.

All right. Morning intake. You get a drink here. Jesus Christ, we're just just pulling away here. Kansas City covering. Look at this. I could possibly, if the fucking goddamn chargers, I could go two and two. I could go one and three.

I could go three and one. If somehow somebody gets hurt on the Raiders and they stop playing Max Crosby. That guy looks like a fucking lunatic. If I just saw that, I wouldn't if I just saw what they just showed me of him, I would not have bet on the chargers this week. All right, here we go. You know what? I was going to say, maybe the Raiders go into the prevent.

I could get the fucking back door cover, but they got a 14 point lead here. I need the goddamn chargers to go down and score a touchdown right now. And then the Raiders to start playing more conservatively, which they shouldn't do, but they probably will. All right. Morning intake. Dear Bill, I'm an MD and a nutritionist. I'm writing to say that while some of the numbers the listeners gave you last week

about protein intake are universally true, are not universally true. These figures can vary depending on a lot of things. Okay, great. So that guy last week, who thought he knew all the fucking information. Now here's a guy who's saying he's an MD and I have no way of proving that. Proteins and healthy salts are great in the morning because they power the brain and provide longer lasting energy than say bagels or muffins. I don't fuck with bagels or muffins.

Of course, this isn't good for everyone and they should consult professionals. On the topic of testosterone, this can be a strange topic because there are different reasons people get into tea replacement therapy. I'm already going to say this might be one of the smarter people that's ever written in on the podcast. The average male starts producing less testosterone around the age of 35. This is a general stat that gets thrown around and advertising for snake oil, but it's fairly accurate.

Current food and lifestyle conditions of the modern man are creating huge deficiencies, which leads to lots of mental health problems, including mental illness. Doing it in this manner is just as simple as taking vitamins and supplements. But because tea has a taboo associated with bodybuilding, steroids and male rage, people sometimes get weary of the idea. Thanks for the laughs. Well, please write in again and tell me about it. I think that person was mistaken that every morning I had an orange and a cup

of coffee. It's just when I was on the road, because it was a quick health healthier solution than to order, you know, whatever crap that they had, like for the hotel breakfast, it's usually the most healthy thing that you can do is get the steel cut oats, but they fucking make them in a giant vat three hours before you order them and it tastes like paste. Um, and then also 20% of the time, even though you say put the brown, I don't want brown sugar or put it on the side, they always dump it in.

Um, all right. Power washing, video progression. I wish that guy could recommend some testosterone. I don't know, dude. I think I'm, I'm enough of a fucking psycho. Um, I don't know if I need more testosterone or am I also making it taboo? All right. Power washing, video progression.

Oh my God. I love a power washing video. Um, honestly, it's one of my, I've, I've, I've gone down rabbit holes and just watch those things for fucking hours showing up. Somebody's walk that they've let the entire thing just grow over. Um, all right, Bill, I've gone down the power washing rabbit hole. I have favorite methods and strokes. I enjoy a good left to right, then a top down finish.

Dude, I watched those guys that, that they find those fucking cars and fields. Touchdown. There you go, baby. Oh, he's telling all the rate of fans that talking a little too much. Keenan Allen. Touchdown. Is that his name? Yo, he's saying you're talking, talking, talking.

I don't think he realizes he's still down by fucking eight points. I love it. That was not an easy catch. I like how quickly he scored that touchdown and then immediately started acting like he had a sock puppet in his hand. Right to the ground. Emily stands up up, up, up, up with all your fucking yapping. I like it.

I like it. He's pissed off. This is what we need. This guy looks like he's going to miss it. Um, anyway, power washing videos led, uh, led me to septic tank cleaning. Ugh. There's a dude on Instagram, my follow, who posts all his calls to

clean sepmit tanks. Most people don't clean them frequently enough. So they form a crust on the top. Oh, dude, I'm going to start gagging. After he breaks that gross, you watch this. What are you fucking German? Trashing my own people there and he makes the field goal. 27, 20, come on, charges.

Um, they're actually favored. I'm fucked in this bet. Um, most people don't clean them frequently enough. So they form a crust on top. After he breaks that, he gets water flowing again to create a healthy shit smoothie. I'm almost done with these and waiting for the algorithm to suggest something else, masonry work or something.

Dude, I don't know how you went from power washing to that shit stuff. Oh my God. That's fucking disgusting. Oh God, I'm going to take a break from that one. Who the fuck would watch that or film it? All right. Religion is cock-blocking relationships.

All right. I like a nice big statement. That's a good one. That would, that shuts the crowd up. Now they're going to listen. Hello, uh, belignorant burr. Well, that's, that's a nice, I don't know if that's funny, but it's definitely true.

Uh, love the podcast and the stand up. Hopefully I can see you perform live one day. So here's the situation. I recently bumped into one of my old co-workers sisters and was hit with a bomb. She asked if her brother ever mentioned. Uh, she, she asked if her brother ever mentioned that she found me handsome and cute.

Wait, I bumped into an old co-worker's sister. Okay. We've met only like twice before and she seems like a really sweet and reserved girl. Being a 22 year old virgin, I nearly fainted, but I stayed in the pocket dinking and dunking my way through a two minute conversation. She was all smiles and generally seem interested in me,

in me bill. Well, why wouldn't she be? Come on, man, you got to build yourself up there. Here's the problem. My religion only allows people to date other people inside of the church. Well, it's time you left the church. I don't even need to read the rest of this.

Who the fuck are they to say who you should be with? The thing is I've wanted to leave for a year, but I lack the funds to do so. I'm a struggling entrepreneur still living at home. Most of my family is in this religion and who isn't in is trying to get back in. They aren't too kind to people who leave. So being in a house will be very toxic, especially with the

type of people my parents are. My question to you is, should I still pursue this relationship? Yes. And I would leave your relationship and stay in your fucking house and let your parents be grumpy. Who gives a fuck? It's your, it's your life. It's now or never.

And Jesus won't cry you a river. Sorry. If it's, if it gets serious, I don't have to be in a situation where you have to be secretive or risk being found out and be dragged through the mud. I don't want to be possibly, to possibly break a girl's heart by being selfish. Should I just leave it alone until I can save up enough

money and move out? No. You know what you do? You live your life. You go out on a date. All right. You lose your virginity. Not say it on the first date.

I'm not judging her, but whatever you get out there, you get in the goddamn game and you tell your parents, listen, I'm banging this broad and I'm leaving the religion. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? Well, who's that? There's a guy, uh, oh, the NHL. What are you going to do?

Oh, you got to go in there. I'm going to have to do another bad macho man, Randy Savage. I'm going to go bang Miss Elizabeth and I'm leaving this religion. Yeah. Fuck, fuck them. Let me out. What's the worst thing they're going to do? They're going to get mad.

Fuck them. They chest your parents. You know, that's all it is. I mean, so basically what are your options? Can you fucking cover somebody? Um, all right, I'm done emotionally with this game. I know I lost this bet. Anyway, um, what are they going to do?

They're going to get mad at you? Here's the thing. When they get mad, you don't get mad. Just be like, yeah, I understand it. I understand that you want me to stay in this religion. I don't want to be in this religion. Um, you know, and I'm not going to be in this religion. And someday when I have a kid, he can pick whatever religion he wants.

That's what I learned from this experience. Look at me. I'm 22 years old. I'm still wrapped in cellophane. You know, I'm like a Star Wars action figure still in the box. What are we doing here? And I want to, I want to stick my dick in a box there. Parents, sorry.

Yeah. 100% go out with this woman. Have a good time. 100% leave your religion. And yeah, do it now. Saving up the money because you're going to have to move out. You're, you're an adult. All right.

You make your own decisions now. You get with this lady, right? And then you leave that religion, whatever it is. I would guess, but I don't want to start any fucking problems. Um, anyway, that's great. That's great. Just give him a first down. These idiots celebrating after everything that they fucking do.

Literally caught like a five yard fucking pass. Um, he starts doing this. These, it's, he's reigning money at a strip club. He literally sat down in the zone, turned around and dove three yards. And now he, oh, I'm sorry. He's got the guns going. Um, when I was a kid, they only celebrated when they scored a touchdown. They actually did.

Um, all right. Oh, Bill, it used to be better when you were younger. You're not young anymore. Let the young kids have a good time. You're right. All right. And speaking of young kids having a good time, I want you to go out there. I want you to have a good time.

And you know, if the opportunity arises, you should bang this broad. And, uh, you know, if you don't feel like doing anything else, that's it. That's it. But I can tell you this, just be totally honest with her. Just be like, I'm 22. I'm a virgin. My parents are in this crazy relationship, uh, with, uh, crazy religion. I don't want to be a part of it and I'm going to live my life.

So yeah, I want to go out on a date with you. Maybe you don't open up that much. That actually sounded a little fucked up, um, you know, whatever. But I don't think that you should be like, uh, in that situation. I actually generally feel bad for you. So, um, you know, whatever, go out with this woman and have a good fucking time. Maybe she doesn't need to know your whole life story, but, uh, you should fucking just leave the religion.

You know, what do you guys meet once a week? Do you meet on Sunday? Just start this week. Yeah, I'm not going because I don't want to because I don't believe in it. What am I saying? I'm saying I'm out. I still love you guys. I don't love that you've shoved this religion down my throat,

but I mean, it seems to be working for you. It's not working for me. All right. I think I fucking made that point. Um, anyways, I taped the Bruins fucking avalanche game. I don't even know who won that. Um, I was very excited about that because of the level of respect that I have for the, uh, the avalanche.

I mean, they're fucking unbelievable. God damn it. The fucking, why did I bet Kansas City? I love Joe Burrow. Why did I do that? This is what it's like late Sunday. Why did I take this team? Why did I take that team?

Why did I do this? Why did I do that? Let's see if you get, no, I didn't get both feet in. Um, so I think that guy, you know, doing the yep, yep, yep with the sock puppet thing for the charges. I never think that's a good idea. You should score a touchdown and just give the ball back to the ref and just let them sit in their failure.

You start doing that, yep, yep, yep thing. They get pissed off. They're like, all right, motherfucker, now we're coming. You know, all that vigorous head nodding. I always think that's funny when people in the crowd do it too. Like they're actually playing the game. Bill, didn't you talk about that last week? I believe I did.

I believe I did. All right. That is the podcast for this week. Sorry, I know I usually do like an hour, but like, uh, I got to do fucking, I get, my tour starts back up the last two weekends and I got to get past this whole, uh, bronky old fucking whatever. Oh, it's another good movie. What the fuck is this one?

Oh man, this is the George, Tammy and George. George and Tammy. New episode, I'm fucking watching that. Step right up. Come on in. If you'd like to take the grand tour of a lonely home that once was home, sweet home. I love George Jones. Him and Tammy, uh, golden ring.

Um, I like that old school country. All right. That's it. Um, all right. This old guy that still goes to the mall and doesn't understand why people celebrate first downs when there's still eight minutes to go in a fucking game. Uh, doesn't understand why OSU seems to OSU is like that, that's a fucking rich kid whose parents buy him a brand new car in two weekends later.

He's hammered and wraps it around a tree and then you're like, yeah, good. Fuck him. And then, you know, next weekend he's got another new car. Hasn't learned a lesson or nothing. I don't understand why they're in the playoff, but as a fan, I'm actually, I, I can't wait to watch that Georgia King. Cause what if they win? What if they win the whole fucking thing?

This bum ass team that's been overrated the whole fucking year. What if they actually go in and win? Um, all right. We playing the horseshoe, even though it ain't shape-lagging. All right. I just had to get a little bit of shit there. All right. That's it.

What if it's Michigan, Ohio state in the final? I think that Michigan TCU game is going to be a great game. I'm worried about that as a Michigan fan because I don't think TCU fucks up a lot and they fucked up that last game. Um, they also didn't pay the price, right? How come they lost their championship game and they're still in the fucking playoff? Like, how does that work? Um, by the way, who did Nick Saban's makeup?

By the way, his fucking nose was already looked like WC Fields. You know what? Because the second he thought he had a chance, he probably had his kids out there fucking practicing up in Tuscalooska. Um, all right. That is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Uh, another wonderful year in my life of getting to live my dream as a stand-up comedian.

So thank you to everybody that came out to my shows this year. I have six left. I got a brand new chunk. I feel like, um, the best comedian that I've been since I started, uh, I don't know why, but these fucking bits are just coming to me and I cannot fucking wait this weekend to be in Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Utah, and Colorado Springs, Colorado. Um, I'm going to be there. And then, uh, what do I got after that?

I got like New Orleans, San Antonio and someplace else that just escapes me. I can't fucking wait, um, to get out there and, uh, see how these new jokes go. I'm very excited where my act is right now. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday.