Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-6-21

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Bill rambles about being an adult, being a dictator, and whether or not a listener is being an asshole. as mentioned: Hidden In Plain Sight: https://mokan9997.medium.com/hidden-in-plain-sight-4761be7b8115 Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at ZipRecruiter.com/BURR Helix Sleep.com/burr for up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows. SIMPLISAFE.com/burr for 40% off your entire system Go to HelloFresh.com/BURR14 and use code BURR14 for up to 14 free meals AND 3 free gifts  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 6, 2021. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going, man? How's it going? How's your day? How was your weekend? I had a great weekend. I watched Hail to the victors' valiant hail, to the conquering heroes' hail, hail to Michigan, the champions of the west. Defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sorry, the Iowa Hawkeyes. They even took the terrible towels. Anyway, it was a great game. I don't know if you're a Michigan fan. It was just great to see you finally get by Ohio State and win the Big Ten championship. We'll see how they do. Alabama looked like fucking world beaters, unless Georgia was not ranked incorrectly as number one. They just fucking manhandled them from the second quarter on. So we shall see. We shall see what happens. But the great thing is, if you are a Michigan fan, is I feel like if they beat Ohio State again next year, all of their fucking woes are behind them, and they can start signing the same level of talent as Ohio State does, and they still got their guy, you know, Coach Harbaugh, where Ohio State has that other guy.

Not Urban Meyer. So we'll see what happens. But maybe he steps up. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? Who knows where this fucking fly just came from? Buzzing around. So it's great. You know, Jesus Christ. Fucking Washington, Michigan lose for like a goddamn decade. It was a great couple of weeks. And I think Alabama should be number one. I mean, they played a number one team and they beat the shit out of them. So that pretty much makes sense. Congratulations to the Iowa Hawkeyes. Winning the, what was it, the Big Ten West? I don't even know what the fuck these divisions are anymore, but I just like that they've had their coach since 1999. It's one of the great things about like college is everyone's, you can have like those legends. It happens so little, I feel like in the pros. Like you get somebody like a Belichick that will stay there for that long. When I was growing up, there were a few like Tom Landry, Don Shula. Even Chuck know for everything he did, that guy was was only there for like 15 years or nine. Maybe it was a little longer than it. It's like late 60s to early 80s, right? Or did he coach into the late 80s? Maybe he did. I can't remember. Let me see. Chuck. What am I doing here?

I'm just talking football because I don't want to talk F1. I'm so fucking sick of that goddamn bullshit. Jesus Christ. I swear to God. Trying to fucking watch that stupid ass sport. That's such a fucking stupid sport, what they've done to it. There's just such a ridiculous fucking advantage to be driving for Mercedes. It's like, I'm not even watching competition. It's fucking ridiculous. And then on top of that, anytime he's a fucking cunt, it's oh, it's borderline and everybody else gets a fucking penalty. He's like the hot chick. Even when he loses, he fucking wins. It's annoying. It's annoying. Every time I fucking say I'm done with that sport, I dip in again. I mean, is everybody sits there kissing Lewis Hamilton's ass? At the end of the day, if that guy drove for Renault, he's in the fucking middle of the race every week. He never drives for Renault, moves fucking up. Is Danny Ricardo still over there? I haven't watched in the last like year and a half. All of a sudden, he'd be like one of the best guys ever. It reminded me of like baseball when, you know, the Red Sox and Yankees were spending like fucking $200 million and had a bunch of roided up free agents.

It just became stupid after a while. Like, what am I watching here? So not saying that Lewis Hamilton isn't a great, I'm not saying he's not a great driver, but like, it's just that whole, I'm not watching competition. It's like I'm watching Walmart versus a bunch of fucking mom and pop fucking hardware stores. And then it's the fact that it is what it is. And then he got to see all these Lewis Hamilton fanboys. He's, oh my God, he won again. Oh my God, even when he loses, he fucking wins. You knew fucking God damn well. You knew God damn well. What was it? What was it? Big miscommunication? You know, Lewis Hamilton didn't get the information. Red Bull had the information, so he fucking slows down. He wasn't supposed to hit the brand. I don't know. The guy doesn't want to go around him because he doesn't listen to fucking slipstream, whatever the fucking is.

I don't know what it is. All I know is at the end of the day, like divorce court, they're going to side with the woman. That's just, it's just how it is. And he's the hot chick of that fucking sport. And Jesus Christ, what a waste of a fucking afternoon watching that bullshit. I'm going to stick with MotoGP. Anyway, just drives me up the fucking wall. And the other guy wins. Oh, but he gets a three second penalty and Lewis Hamilton wins again. Every fucking season. Every fucking season. How the fuck are you going to penalize a guy who's driving a fucking, he's driving a fucking car. I mean, they spent way less fucking God damn. How many more fucking advantages do you need?

Drives me fucking. Why do I give a shit? Why do I watch sports? Why do I give a fuck? Why am I so upset that I picked the fucking San Francisco 49ers? You know why? Because I didn't realize that what's his face was healthy, who I was fucking betting money on all. Russell Wilson was betting money on them all fucking year winning. And then, you know, I went to that Green Bay game. I saw, you know, his finger was still fucked up, you know, and he wasn't, I wasn't as accurate as he usually was. They figured, okay, division rivalry. They beat San Francisco one time earlier this year, you know, 49ers is starting to play well. Fuck it. I'll go with them stupid, stupid fucking move, you know.

So I'm two and one, but I got the Pats tonight against Buffalo. And I'm hoping Belichick is going to do what Belichick does when he has a team like what he does. And I think he's going to have a masterpiece of a game, which is what he's going to need because Buffalo is a great team, even though they had, they had this weird, I don't know what they were doing there. In the middle of the season, they came out like fucking gangbusters and then they kind of shit the bed for like a month. I was sitting there looking, you know, I got the kids now, so I can't watch this shit the way I used to. I was like, how the fuck are we a number one seed in the, in the AFC East at eight and four. And I just think, you know, because everybody's just sort of either started slow or it was like Buffalo was going gangbusters and then just shit the bed. Everybody kind of has like four losses already. It's really weird, but how Steelers, I don't know.

Who knows? I wasn't watching KC. Verzi was telling me they didn't look too impressive, but I don't know. I'm not buying KC isn't a good team though. Just with all the players they still have and all of that playoff experience, I think there's a chance they could throw the switch come playoff time. Do I sound like a fucking sports talking head here or what? I mean, I'm not really saying anything. Sorry, I just was, you know, my fucking F1 fandom is anybody but Mercedes. It's not even about Lewis Hamilton. I mean, how the fuck do you root for that team? It's just fucking beyond me. It's just beyond me. It's like, it's like you're rooting for an adult to slap ice cream out of some kids' hands at that point when you're spending that much more money. Alright, I'm done bitching about it, but like, that was so fucking annoying. I thought he was going to get a penalty on those two restarts for stopping at those two great restarts after the fucking caution flags.

I thought, oh, they're going to give him a fucking penalty. They have to give him a penalty. He's out in front of the Mercedes car. Isn't that like a rule? You know what it is? It just takes me back to when I was a kid and I would root for the Bruins and we'd be beating the Canadians. And there was this unfucking written rule that they just had to put them on the power plate back in the day. They don't have that carte blanche anymore. The whole mystique of the Canadians is fucking in the rear view mirror, so they don't give a fuck. And the fans of the Canadians now have grown up not knowing what a winner is, so it's just kind of gone away. And I don't think it's ever going to be what it was, but when I was growing up, like literally the crowd could intimidate, the refs were intimidated. They were going out, they were seeing the blue blanche rouge and they were going to fucking win by hook or by fucking crook and it was just one of those fucking things. And I feel like watching F1, I should have just became a Mercedes fan, but there was just something about it.

It was just like, well, I can't just be like if you became a college football fan, you just jumped on it. I like Alabama, which by the way, somebody told me recently that they were in Jerusalem and there is an Alabama Crimson Tide like memorabilia store in Jerusalem. And as a Red Sox fan, I got a kick out of that. Because having traveled the world, the two things that I see around the world, I see New York Yankee stuff and I see Manchester United shit everywhere, as far as like this seems to be fans of them everywhere. And I asked the person, who the fuck was I talking to? I was like, did they have a Yankee store there? I didn't ask about Man United. He was like, no, just Alabama. They're like yamakas, like roll tide yamakas. It's fucking hilarious. And I'm trying to think, why? What is it about there? Is that because it's a place where all the people from around the world,

I figured like religious maniacs are going to Jerusalem, right? No. I don't understand what that has to do with sports. I mean, sports fans are like fanatics, but we're not fucking maniacs. Is that a fair assessment? That religious, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I can't tell you this though. I do feel slightly uncomfortable saying that people in Jerusalem are maniacs, which once again, I'm sort of proving my point that the fact I'm going like, well, I don't want to say that because I don't want to call those maniacs maniacs because they're fucking maniacs. You know, the one time I went to Israel, I went to Tel Aviv, who's fucking amazing, beautiful people. Israeli's, Palestinians, everybody's there just fucking intermingling. Everything just seemed like fine. And I remember the promoter asked, you want to go down to Jerusalem? And I was there with Bartnick and we both were like, no. Yeah, I don't want to see the ground zero of why everybody over here doesn't get along with each other. I'd rather just see people just sort of fucking going about their lives.

If you do go over there, I'll tell you Tel Aviv's where it's at. You know, if you just want to, Jaffa was great too. I think that was what it was. Just a, oh my God. And we went to like the little 7-Eleven there right next to the fucking hotel. And I think it was the last two real Cuban cigars I've smoked. Everybody else, you know, they got the stupid bands on them. They're not fucking real. They stink. They fucking stink. I'm so fucking sick of people coming up to me telling, you know, these were actual Cubans. It's like, all right, it tastes okay. I know what a real Cuban cigar, I don't know how to tell a fake from a real one, but I do, I know it when I light it. When I light a real Cuban cigar, as I'm lighting it, I go, oh my God. That's my test for what is real and what isn't. I shouldn't be shitin' on Lewis Hamilton. It's not his fucking fault that he, I just get fucking frustrated. You know what I mean? Watching that shit. It's like you want to see somebody else fucking win for once.

You know, why do I make my life difficult? Everything I do, I make it more difficult. I should just be a fan of Lewis Hamilton and fucking Mercedes, and I would just be happy every fucking F1 weekend. You know, it's every little fucking thing in the race bugs me. When Max Verstappen was out front, and Lewis Hamilton was in second, the announcer called them the leaders. Our two leaders of the race. There's only one leader of the fucking race. Well, he said our two leaders, and then somebody said to me when I was bitchin' about it, well, maybe they're talking about the overall fucking standings for the season. It's like they don't fucking say that when Lewis is in first. The fucking golden child. Jesus Christ, the fucking starlet. Can you believe cars going around in a circle gets me this fucking, what am I really upset about?

That's what it is. I'm fucking upset about something else. I need to figure out what it is. I really don't give a shit about Lewis Hamilton and Mercedes. I'm just using that for misdirected anger. Oh, I know what it is. Oh, wow. Same people. I just figured I can't tell you what it is. I know what it is. Get one of those holiday phone calls, right? Jesus Christ. Anyway, let's plow ahead. That's great. I just figured out what I'm really mad about. So you know what? Congratulations to Mercedes and Lewis Hamilton. You know, maybe Max, he shouldn't have fucking hit the brakes so hard. I don't fucking know. I have no idea. Who gives a shit, right? What does it matter? This is the time of year, though. I will tell you that I miss booze the most.

It's the end of the year. My work is winding down, and I know it's just going to start back up again in January, but this is when I would go out and get fucked up. Oh, yeah. I'd be taking bottles down to the mat, and they would be tapping out. But before they tapped out, I would be passed out in my fucking Archie Bunker chair, and I enjoyed every goddamn second of it. Anybody go to AA meetings? I would be the worst speaker ever. I would be like, hey, I'm Bill. I'm not really an alcoholic, but, you know, I figured I'd come down here. Listen to you guys. It's pretty wild stories up here, man. I got to be honest with you, though. Don't you miss it? Why don't we all just went out just today? We all just went out and just got fucking hammered, just today.

And then we all fucking agreed, you know, all of us. Right? This is what we do. We all chain ourselves to the wall. We throw the key across the floor, and we got a bottle of bourbon. Everybody gets to finish their bottle, and we just lay here, and people bring us food for the next month or so, where we, you know, we lose the DTs, you know? That'd be an interesting thing, huh? Okay, here's a fucking scenario for you. Okay, if the people in power, whoever they are, man, whoever's really behind the they, if they had all the heroin, okay, and they said, you know, we're only going to make it available to you once a year, and you're not going to overdose, would you do it?

You know, you'd have that option. Oh, you know, I think I'm going to take this year off. I feel like it's a better high if I do it every other year, just like once. Um, yeah, that's the thing about being a fucking adult is you got to be able, you have to have the discipline to push yourself away from the shit that takes you down. It's fucking brutal. You know that euphoria, any college kids out there, when your fucking, your parents dropped you off, and you got over your home sickness and shit, then all of a sudden, everything was kind of on you, you know? Well, I guess I would compare it maybe to like, when college is over, you know, these fucking assholes, you know,

where they're actually like watching you to that level, or maybe you get like an off-campus apartment or some shit like that. I still remember that. I was old. I was like 27. You know, I finally got through college and all of that shit, and I fucking started doing stand-up. So I was living at home trying to save up money so I could go to New York. So 27, I finally moved out. I remember sitting there at the bar at the comic strip. One of my first nights in New York, and I remember just sitting there thinking like,

well, I really don't have to go home. I don't have to fucking answer anybody. I could go out and get shit-faced right now. Could beat some chick, hook up, bring her back. Fucking amazing. This is unreal. Like, fortunately back then though, but I wasn't really like a big boozer because everyone I was hanging out with, like, the generation of comics saw like what partying did to your career, you know? So we saw those guys that were in AA, you know, guys having their fucking wages garnished by the IRS.

They'd have to fucking, if they were going to Vegas, they'd have to call the IRS to make sure it was okay for them to do the gig. And then we were all like, well, yeah, hey, let's not do that. Because I gotta tell you, if I started in the 80s, and I am old enough to have started in the 80s, if I started in like, I don't know, 88 when I was like 20, 87, you know, and I fell in with the wrong group of people, I would have fucking drank my ass off. I would have got to where I ended up way fucking sooner. Yeah, if I ever even got out of Boston. But anyway, that is one of the great things about having kids, aside from having kids, is one of the great things is you're just like,

I'd really love to do this dumb shit, but they're going to be up in about fucking six hours. So I should go to bed now. You know, it's a great excuse to get out of something. Hey, we got an eight ball. You know what, I'd love to, but I got the kids got to get out of here. I got the kids. Hey, we're all thinking of going rafting, you know, I'd love to, but my kids, I got kids. Some fucking awful band you don't want to see.

What night is that? You know what, I think my kid has something that night. Fuck. Yeah, I know. Next time. Yeah, next time. All right, buddy, look good. Like the car.

Is that new? Small talk. Fucking small talk. Get yourself right out of it. That's how you do it. So anyway, I talked about, um, I don't know how it came up, but there was this, uh, on my, on the last podcast, some shit about the fucking JFK assassination. And this guy was suggesting that one, that the, the potentially fatal, definitely it

was a fatal shop. If the neck thing didn't do them in was actually done by the secret service. So I was like, oh, I, you know, I was starting to read it. I was like, oh, we know what the fuck, but I guess the people that wrote it or whatever are fans of the podcast, so they sent in a quick video from YouTube about that stuff and it's fucking wild. They are claiming that a secret service guy, you know, it was the first shot. It hit the pavement and a fragment came up and in this thing it said it hit the president

and they say that he said, I've been hit, which everything that I've ever seen said it hits the pavement and he looks around like, what the fuck was that? And then the next one got him, you know, whatever. I hate talking about this shit cause, you know, I don't know. It's just a fucking bad, terrible day for America, right? But anyway, this person is suggesting that after the one, the second shot hit him. Secret service was reacting. The guy had like an AR-15.

I don't know what the, I didn't think they had those back then, but they could be like an AR-13, you know? You know, like the F-14, F-15, F-16, it just keeps going up, right? That's, anyways, this guy had like an AR-15 type of gun and he fucking took the safety off and when he brought it around to go to where he saw the shots were being fired, he accidentally pulled the trigger and shot the president in the head. This person is claiming, which is fucking wild because that Zapruder film, like something like that never, wait a minute, I'm going to fucking watch it right now. This whole podcast, you start bringing up JFK.

How do you spell Zapruder? Is it Z-U or Z-E? Zapruder film, let's see here. Oh, it's Z-A. I'm the worst. All right, there's a Pruder film. All right, who the fuck wants to watch this? You're going to watch a president lose his life. All right, he's driving, he's waving. Neck.

Neck. What the fuck? Yeah, you don't get that from the Zapruder film. It just kind of comes out of nowhere. Okay, so there's, I don't know. I don't know where that guy allegedly was, but you guys should look into it. It's fucking wild. They're claiming they literally, and that then the Secret Service covered it all up.

And that's why the president's brain was missing and all of that type. I mean, something definitely fucking happened that day. I love the people that go like, nope, Oswald did it. They absolutely did it. And there's all that weird shit, unless that weird shit didn't happen and that's just rumors that people made up. I don't fucking know, but you should check it out. It's pretty nuts, man.

What a fucked up world, man, that you could just do that to somebody. All right, Zapruder, everybody, coming out of a fucking murder video, which for some reason is not considered that. Like, why did I just watch, like, I would never watch this because it's JFK and it's like this famous piece of film. You kind of, like, if somebody just said somebody's walking in a parking lot and somebody fucking shoots them in the head, do you want to see it? I'd say no. Why did I just watch that?

Why are kids allowed to have cell phones and like, you can just watch shit like that? But they have the parental, you know, stuff you can put on it. Yeah, then they can go on fucking Google and search how to fucking turn it off. Let me look that up because that's what fucking blows my mind about everybody fucking acting like the sky's falling when, you know, a certain topic is discussed in stand-up comedy, right? But for some reason you can give kids cell phones that every porno ever shot is on, beheading videos. Oh, but we put on the parental, can kids turn off parental controls? Let's see.

Deleting an app is one of the simplest and most effective ways your kids can bypass a parental filter. Unfortunately, many apps need to be installed individually on multiple devices. How kids get around parental controls. Let's see here. Screen time, but the leading an app is away factoring control setting. Your kids primary online access is through a mobile device. All they have to do is reset their phone to the initial factory settings to get around a filter. Accessing a non-network hotspot.

Unfortunately, you can be around your kids 24 seven and there are times in which they will be able to connect to the internet using a hotspot on a friend's device, one that is likely not managed by current parental control apps. Why are kids allowed to have cell phones? You can't drink before you fucking 18. But these kids can have these fucking cell phones and like watch all this porno and fucking horrific shit. It's unfucking believable. But Janet can't take her teddy out of the Super Bowl. I mean, figure that one out.

Figure that one out. Figure that one out. Accessing your network settings. One of the more obvious places is to access the printer. Yeah, network settings, browsing in pro private incognito mode. The challenge of monitoring your children's internet may feel a bit overwhelming, which is why there isn't a better time than now to invest in a service that will manage internet access and content in your own home on your family's mobile devices. Yeah, and then you're going to go sell all that information to the cleaner net.

This is just a fucking one of these people acting like they're trying to fucking help you out and they're not unbelievable. And then you're also at the fucking mercy of the matter how fucking well you raise your kid. All it takes is two fuckheads to fuck and make a kid around the same time you did. And that kid's in the same vicinity and that kid's in your fucking kid's grade and it's over. Somebody please explain to me why kids are allowed to have cell phones. Why they can't drink booze, but they can have a fucking cell phone. With it right there, they just had like half a dozen ways to go around the parental controls. It's just fucking beyond me.

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All right, now where's the fucking reads for this week? We got the reads. We got what you need. Oh, we got the reads. Don't start to bleed. All right, Bill, great emails, lots of responses to the dictator stuff and JFK stuff. Okay, here we go. Oh, by the way, everybody, thank you for everyone that's gone out and bought their tickets for the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit.

January 18th, New York City Center, New York City. Be there. Amazing show. Amazing show. Some of the stars of the night. Pete Davidson, Sal Volcano, Sharad Small, yours truly. And they're always wonderful. They're always brilliant.

Scratch golfer Rich Voss will be hosting. All right, dear Willie Wine Tain. As much as I love the amount of time, okay, it's Dictatorship Weekends, dear Willie Wine Tain. As much as I love the amount of time off, you would give us all under your illustrious rule. This is a problem I've worked out already. Behold, the five day week. Okay, we have our current, okay, all right, the five day week. We have our current seven day week either because God rested on the seventh day or because of the phases of the moon,

both of which are antiquated and silly reasons to live by this strange schedule. Who breaks things into sevens? I don't know, craps. I propose we eliminate Tuesday and Thursday from the week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And we all work three out of five days. Okay, I feel like you're fucking like I'm buying a car right now and you're fucking saying what I just said and I think you're agreeing with me, but I'm about ready to pay eight grand for rust proofing.

We would have 73 weeks a year instead of 52. So your paycheck would be smaller, but there would also be substantially more of them. All right, so I'm assuming we're working eight hour days. We have a 365 day a year. So if we start the year on Monday, New Year's will land on a Sunday. Maybe the year should start on Saturday to give those New Year's Eve people a Friday holiday. But what about leap year? Well, every four years we sneak this guy really our woman really thought this out the fuck out of here you fucking goddamn fucking bug.

Harvard around me for the last 10 minutes. Why did I just talk to the fucking mosquito like it spoke English? We have the 365 day year. So if we started the year on a Monday, New Year's will land on a Sunday. So maybe we should start on Saturday to give those New Year's Eve people a Friday holiday. But what about leap year? Well, every four years we sneak it in. December 31st and January 1st.

And that New Year's Eve is an epic every four year holiday. What? What about leap year? Well, every four years we sneak it in between December 31st and January 1st. Oh, that's where you put the leap year. Oh, that's pretty cool. And that's New Year's Eve. That New Year's Eve is an epic four year four year holiday.

We're really missing a fun holiday opportunity with the leap years. You know what? I agree. There are a few more problems. Thanksgiving. I think corporations would have a problem with all of this. Now there are a few but you're a dictator. There are a few more problems.

Thanksgiving couldn't be on Thursday anymore. Kind of a bummer. Your birthday would be on the same day of the week every year. Who gives a shit? 20% of us who get Saturday birthdays a little of a bummer for the Monday and Tuesday people. You call in sick, buddy. Now I got a three day weekend. These are downsides, but come on.

All things considered, these are minor flaws to a great plan. Thanks for reading. Looking forward to the Red Rock special. Go fuck yourself. That's really interesting. I never, you know something? I never knew why we were on a seven day thing. I thought it had to do with the sun going around.

I don't know what the fuck. That's all shit. I just memorized and puked out like four days later on a goddamn test and I can't remember anymore. All right. Dictator. Dear Billy Eggnog tits. I resent that. Your ideas about being a dictator got me thinking.

If giving full rule, my first order would be to get everyone who disagrees about everything in the same room and lock them in there until they figure shit out. I'm talking left wing, right wing. I'm talking Jews and Palestinians, communists and anarchists, sharks and jets, et cetera. And I'm putting a camera on all of it, streaming on the internet and bunny ears. Everyone gets to watch after the world sees how stupid everyone is and they've all killed each other. That's interesting. It's not as interesting as this fucking fly that won't leave. Won't fucking leave.

You cunt. Now he's resilient. You know what? I can't get mad. That fucking mosquito has heart. And I'm putting a camera on all of it. We can all watch how stupid everyone is as they all kill each other. Maybe that'll teach everyone else a lesson about giving too much of a shit about what they think.

I got to be honest with you. You guys really have better ideas than me. Benevolent dictator. Yeah, but you know something? I feel like if you stuck everybody in the world who disagrees about everything in the same room, who would you be left with? You'd have, is that stoics, stoicism? Are people that are just like laid back?

People that are just groovy, man? Yeah, that's fucking interesting. But here's the thing. Not all Jews and Palestinians would show up. Not all communists and anarchists. I mean, how would you do that? I mean, if you're a Sharks fan and a Jets fan or a communist anarchist Jew or a Palestinian, how would you know which ones to put in there?

I guess you just go into their fucking whatever they tweeted about. You're being canceled. You have to go argue until you die. That's crazy. All right, benevolent dictator. All right, now guess what I'm going to go do? I'm going to look up benevolent. All right, here we go.

I don't understand, like, why if you're a dictator, you have to be an asshole? Like, why wouldn't you just be a good shit and then no one would ever try to kill you? Because someone else would want to be an asshole dictator and they're an asshole and they kill you because you were too fucking nice. Benevolent definition. Well-meaning and kindly. Benevolent dictator. Hey, Billy Brewer.

You mentioned this week that you don't get why pretty much every dictator is awful. Here we go. And why none of them try very hard to help people out even though they all have, they have all the power. It's an interesting question that kind of goes under the radar in the West because we live in a democratic republic, do we? So it just seems like a given that way would be the best. But people have studied it and written books about it, so I'll fill you in.

I'll give you the really short version and link some more detailed explanations if you're interested in want more. What it really comes down to is that a dictator needs to keep the army happy or they get replaced with somebody else. There's other people. What are you talking about? It's the fucking army. You know what I mean?

You're in the army. You don't want to go fucking go to war. You can just chill out. I think everybody just wants to fucking chill out. Wouldn't that be great? I'm in the army, but you know, there's no wars and nobody's really yelling at me and shit. And you know, once you get passed wearing green clothes every day,

you know, it's pretty nice, man. There's other people they also need to pay, but the army is the most important. Any money that a dictator spends on good roads or schools is money that a rival can promise to the army as incentive for a coup. Oh, I see. It always comes down to money. And lowering taxes so people can build their own school or whatever is the same thing. One of your generals can promise to raise taxes to pay the army

if they all agree to just kick you out and replace you with him. There's a big long book I'm summarizing that you can read if you want. Dictator's Handbook Behavior. Almost politics. Well, let's see what the name of this book. Open the link. The book is called The Dictator's Handbook. Why bad behavior is almost always good politics?

And there's also a 10-minute long video based on the same book if you want something in between. All right. The name of the video is... The Rules for Rulers. Oh, that seems fucking cool. That just made me miss weed. It's fucking freaking me out, man.

All right. Have a great holiday season and bed on the Bengals. It's finally our time. Yeah, you guys seem all right. All right. You did today. Oh, you lost to the charges. Yeah, I just don't understand.

I guess that saying is true. Money is the root of all evil. I just don't understand why people just can't be nice to other people. Like, why you just can't get the momentum going in that way? You know what the nicest conversation I had today? You know, I take my old t-shirts and I bring them to these homeless encampments because I'm not taking them to Goodwill. So I was driving over.

I was doing some, you know, nieces and nephews shopping, right? So I was getting some gift cards and shit, some cool sneakers or whatever. And so I was like, all right, I'll handle that. And then I know where there's this homeless encampment. I just stomp, just drove past. There was another one because there's so many of them out here. So I pull over and I just got the bags out and I see this woman, I think. And, you know, one of those deals, right?

And I'm like, hey, I got some, you know, t-shirts here if you need some. And she just goes, oh, thank you, sir. I go, you're welcome. That was it. I felt good. This person needed something. They were appreciative. It was like the best fucking kind.

It was like literally one sentence each. And it made me, you know, feel good that I did it. And it made me look back to see the person pick them up. And then it made me hope that they were going to be okay. I don't understand why I just, I'm going to watch that video because it just fucking like, I just really don't fucking get it, you know, being in fucking show business. Why like the way business is done is just so, and that's what people say. Well, you know, this is why business is done.

It's like, how much do you have to fucking take? It's fucking nuts. It's fucking, that's really fucking. The whole thing is insane. Anyway, mortal error. Hi Bill, on your November 29th podcast, you read an email from a listener who talked about the Kennedy assassination book, Mortal Error and the theory of ballistics expert Howard Donahue.

Oh, then this is the book you want to read here, Mortal Error. Donahue's thesis is that Lee Harvey Oswald did shoot President Kennedy, but the fatal shot was accidentally fired by a secret service agent in the security car behind the president, the presidential limo, as the agent attempted to turn and return fire on Oswald. I realize this is heavy material for you, otherwise a reverent podcast. Oh, Jesus Christ, buddy, relax. Conspiracy theory about JFK is not fucking heavy reading. Good Lord, this is fucking taming your shrew there.

I didn't know what that is. I just know it's a Rodney joke. I like to tame her shrew. From time to time, it seems you discuss such matters. Oh, he was actually giving me the benefit of doubting, and I just shit on him. I'm sorry, person of writing in, whatever you are. I've listened to you on and off for years and think you're great. Oh my God, I really feel bad.

My son is an avid follower who never misses a podcast. Jesus Christ, I wish Sherry's berries was still around. In fact, it was he who told me about this email. This caught my interest because Howard Donahue, the man who developed the friendly fire theory, was my father. Yeah, the fuck out of this Star Wars shit. I'm supposed to believe this. Although the subject of the assassination has been beat to death for 50 years, Howard's theory is unique in that it is grounded in science and ballistic while all the other studies of the subject are not.

Mortal error may therefore be of some interest to your listeners. There was also a documentary on Reels, R-E-E-L-Z, TV entitled JFK, The Smoking Gun, which was produced in 2013 and is based on my father's work. It may still be running as the anniversary of JFK's assassination was November 22nd. For the short version, an article on Medium.com by Bonner, B-O-N-A-R, M-E-N-N-I-N-G-E-R called Hidden in Plain Sight, discusses the theory and the book and what's happened since. It was first published in 1992, just thought you might want to know. Thanks for doing your podcast. I wish you and your family a great Christmas.

That is really fucking interesting. So it's from the car behind. That is fucking wild. Okay. Okay. So I'm on the Hidden in Plain site. Did a Secret Service agent accidentally shoot JFK? This article was written October 8, 2017 by Bonner Manager.

Well, I'll be reading that. And if you actually are the son of the guy that wrote that, that's pretty amazing that you guys listened to this podcast. Am I a bad guy for dumping a future fatty? Dear Backdoor Billy, I need your advice. I like that name. Be my fucking blues album name. I need your advice. Hit us with the jingle.

Oh, okay. Here we go. The old jingle. Where is it? Hey. That's me. From somebody else. All right.

Let's see here. What do we got here? This person wants some advice here. Am I a bad guy for dumping a future fatty? I can already say no. You know, because if I would say you don't really love her and you're saving her a lot of heartache. If you did it after she had a couple of kids, you know, while she was taking that second bite of a Cinnabon. You know, I think that would be worse.

Dear Backdoor Billy, I need your advice. I need your advice or I hit you with the jingle. I'm 28 years old in a great financial, in a great place financially and I have my whole life ahead of me. I recently broke things off with a lady after almost three years of dating. The one part that always held me back was her diet or lack thereof and her comments for me to be comfortable with my body. Red flag. Yeah, she's going to be a house dude. She hasn't even had kids yet.

Be comfortable with your body in that sense means you don't give a fuck what you look like and you're going to eat whatever the fuck you want to eat. The worst part wasn't her subtly urging me to join her in a fatty lifestyle. I was watching her descend into a complete couch potato who was not afraid to throw down on a four course meal and complain about being bloated. Yuck. It got to the point where there was just zero effort to lose weight or be active. And I think she resented me for crushing the gym every day, even though I was supportive and cooked for her almost every day. Well, then yeah, you're not a shallow guy. You did what you had to do and she's choosing a horrible lifestyle that's going to lead to all these health fucking problems.

And she's going to break the hearts of people around her when she dies sooner than she should have. She had good qualities as isn't a fatty yet, but I have no doubt that as soon as time catches up with her, she will be in the 300 pound weight class, also known as the elephants when I used to play football. I feel like I kind of gave up on her, but it's also not my job to fix anyone. No, it is not. What are your thoughts and don't hold back. I fucking commend you, sir. And the fact that at 28 years old, you realize that other people's problems are not your fucking problems in a relationship is a tremendous asset to you.

I tip my cap to you risking a sunburn on top of my bald head. That is the way you get what the fuck you want. And it works for women too. So I want to hear you guys bitching at me. All right, if you're fucking sitting there and you're dating some fucking guy and he's more excited about playing video games every goddamn day, unless he's making money doing that because I know kids can make money doing that shit now. Yeah, you got to get a fucking winner. Tell me that's going after the goddamn brass ring.

Um, yeah, it's been my experience that, um, yeah, stuff like that is not going to get better. If, you know, the person, you can't make somebody want to get better. Like, look, I went off on Lewis Hamilton and F one and all of that shit. What little I know about the sport and all that. And I got all fucking mad and the, but I've done enough work on myself that I was able to realize it was a phone call that I got over Thanksgiving that is still fucking bugging me. That caused me to get that upset over people driving around in a fucking circle. So this is what I would say if she was doing that kind of work on herself. Um, you know, then, yeah, then you could hang in there, but if she's not doing like I've always said this, if someone's in a hole and they're reaching up, I'll try and pull them out.

But if they're face down in it, digging it deeper, then you get, you got to walk away. You got to walk away. Fuck that. You're not excavating somebody out of their fucking life. Okay. If that I'm telling you, man, you got to live that way. If somebody wants help and they're truly doing the work as a human being, you got to help them out. But like, if they're just a complete fuck up and they're just asking for money, is it going to just going to sit there and keep drinking or eating or doing whatever drug and whatever the fuck it is they're doing, you got to walk away from it.

So I think you did, uh, I think you did yourself a tremendous service. And, um, you know, you kept yourself in shape. You were cooking for her. You did things. You tried. It seems like you tried and she just said, you know, you need to be more comfortable with your body. It's just a total fucking cop out. That's just, um, you know, people like doing that stuff.

They, they, they grab onto these fucking slogans to just make an excuse for their fucking behavior. Like all of these people now, you know, oh, I'm a patriot. I'm doing what I want to do. I'm a fucking patriot. It's like, well, where the fuck are you when they started recording all our phone calls and reading our fucking emails? You know, where the fuck you been for that shit? You know, he's fucking brand new patriots. Um, so anyway, uh, yeah, I commend you.

I think I absolutely 100% think that you did the, uh, that you did the right thing. And I wish I had your wisdom when I was 28, because you know something, when you have that kind of wisdom, you know what the fuck you want. So you won't waste people's time and you know, you won't hurt anybody. So I'm sure it sucked. Um, I mean, I don't know. I mean, did you tell her that's why you were breaking up with her? I hope you didn't do that. You know, even though she probably needs to hear it.

It's that, you know, that's that, that's that double standard where if a woman's going to break up for you because of that, like, look, you just kind of gave up on yourself. You're sitting on the couch, put on 50 pounds. I'm not attracted to you anymore. And you just sitting here watching video games and I just don't see you as the father of my child, children anymore. I mean, as a man, you just got to take that like, all right. And then you got to make a choice. Right. And she walks out the door.

What's your fucking choice? You know, am I going to fill up all that part of the chest of drawers with video games and Cinnabon? Oh, am I going to turn this around and make her regret she ever walked out the fucking door? Yeah, those are the moments you're laying down on the canvas. And they're fucking going to count you out. Are you going to get the fuck up? That's what she needs to do. She needs to get up off that couch.

You know, she's not treating her body like a fucking temple rather than an illegal dumping site, which I did over the last fucking year. And I'm finally turning it around. I've been doing the elliptical two, three times a week. And then I go on hikes. I'm doing the body confusion thing, man. My body doesn't know what's happening right now, man. So I do this thing on the elliptical. I call it flipping the odometer.

You try to get 10,000 fucking steps in before an hour just to see what happens. Spoiler alert. If you want to know what happens, I'm going to say it. It ends up just going back to one zero. I thought I would get like all zeros across and then it would start with the one all the way to the right. It just went back to zero. So it looks like then it looks like you just got on the fucking elliptical. But then you look over and it's like 700 calories.

How did you burn that in eight seconds? So I've been doing that lifting weights and I've just been light weights and then just doing the stretches. I gotta tell you, man, I can actually, I'm getting to be able to do a fucking back bent. These years of fucking benching and curling and all my whole body internally rotated. My shoulders being fucked up. I'm opening up, man. Can actually push myself up off the floor and go into one of the worst back bends anybody has ever seen. But, you know, just a few weeks ago, I couldn't even do that.

So yeah, I want to be fucking walking up the hill like the chick from the ring. The back bend, dude, so underrated, especially if you fly and all of that shit. You're so as just wreaks havoc on your lower back. It gets all tight and your lower back feels like it's got to fucking pull your torso upright. It just kills you. But anyway, I'll say this right before I leave. I had so much fun last night at the comedy store Saturday night recording this Sunday night and I went up there. I just had these two stupid ideas and they both fucking killed.

I was like, I knew one was going to do all right, but the other one had no idea. And I'm just getting this stupid little fun bit out of it and really made me excited about 2022. Like, you know, I don't know, like what I'm going to be talking about next year on stage. I'm excited about it. All right. Well, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

Go patriots. All right. I love Buffalo. I love the people of Buffalo, except when playing sports against one another. So I'm hoping that you guys all dislocate your shoulders trying to break those fucking card tables. As you come in there into the stadium and you think your agony is going to end because you got to fucking, you know, some keystone lights, duct tape to your fucking shoulder. And that the bills are going to beat the Patriots. You know, remember last year you thought it was your whole like all of a sudden you guys were going to take it out.

You guys were going to fucking reclaim ownership. Like it was the late 80s and early 90s again. Well, guess what? Maybe you counted your fucking chicken wings, your buffalo wings, whatever the fuck you people eat out there a little too soon. It's right now, man. You're on the outside looking in. Are you going to man up? Okay.

And put some respect on my name. The Buffalo bills. You're plural me. Are you going to let the Patriots take a two game fucking lead? That's what's on stuff. That's what's at stake. Monday night. I think Bill Belichick is going to coach a masterpiece, but this is not going to be an easy victory.

But I took the Patriots getting three points or three and a half. I think maybe three. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.