Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-7-20

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Bill rambles about learning French, Texas, and bad neighbors from around the world.

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Podcast from Monday, December 7th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? What's going on? I am in Houston, Texas right now. It is Sunday afternoon with 1.38 left to go. And the Indianapolis coach versus the fucking Houston, Houston, Texas. Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers, Houston Oilers, number one.

I've been on the road for about a week. Been doing two shows a night, you know, standing next to highways. I was just out in Austin, Texas. You know what's funny, I'm doing Dallas, Austin and Houston. Now Dallas and Austin, I would think are like, you know, conservative. You know, Dallas is a funny conservative, you know. Everything's bigger here in Dallas, right? And everything go fucking big with everything.

But they're conservative, it's weird. You know, you think if you're conservative, you wouldn't go so big. You'd be like, well, you know, what if we lose a little bit of money here? Maybe we don't need all four doors on that truck, on that truck. And then everything would be all like, hey man, like let's play hacky sack and celebrate Joe Biden, yeah, in Austin. And that's not the way it was. I just did Austin, Texas and it was a fucking free for all.

People were fucking lunatics in a fun way, in a fun way. But Jesus Christ, the first show I did Saturday night, that is the drunkest fucking crowd I've been in on in front of in forever. And I don't want to shit on the gig because I had a great time in the gig. They, the people who booked me there, they treated me like gold. They got me this box of cigars and everything, which I held off from smoking any of them. I'll bring them home and at some point I'm going to have one, but I just can't do it with two shows every night.

Oh, Freckles ain't as young as he used to be. So, don't let my mid-century good looks fool you. Yeah, dude, like they were fucking, dude, it's so funny because people are just so sick of being cooped up. This was like full grown adults drinking like they were pledging a frat. I mean, oh, Fumbo! Fuck! Oh, no.

The Texans just fumbled it. Goddammit. Ah, Romeo Cromel. I always root for that guy. He was so great for the Patriots. Great fucking coach. Goddammit. Look at JJ Watt shaking his fucking head.

What are you going to do? I like when JJ Watt sacks a quarterback now, he does that little cup of tea. I don't know what it means. I'm taking it to me. Let's, let's, let's, let's everybody weigh him. What do you think that means when he does a little cup of tea? I think it means like, hey, man, I'm just like chilling, me, me destroying your offensive line and tackling your quarterback and creating mayhem that you're watching.

For me, it's just like me chilling out, having a little fucking little afternoon cup of tea. I could murder a cup of tea. Um, yeah, but people are so fucking sick of being cooped up. Everybody is kind of going fucking insane. I'm so psyched. This vaccine thing is coming out. I know there's some people I ain't taking that ain't putting that shit in me or, you know, dude, dude, you know what I heard?

You know what I heard? Yeah. What did you hear, buddy? What did you hear? Do whatever the fuck you want to do. I don't give a shit. I'll be like first and why he won't be first in line. They're going to do first responders and, uh, other people, whatever, more important

people first, right? At some point when they get to bald redheads, I will be one of the first in line. I'm ready, man. If this is some sort of conspiracy, like, because there's a lot of people I know that have figured out the conspiracy, they figured it out somehow in their laptop, they figured it out. It's amazing. They don't have any friends in the CIA, but they know exactly what the fuck they're

up to. And it's incredible. Um, somehow they found the secret and, uh, the CIA hasn't fucking whacked them. So I don't know. I have no idea, but this is going to be fun. This fucking, um, what do you call it? The vaccine is going to be a fun time. It's going to be a fun time.

There's a way, because I think there might be a way to not get the vaccine if you're afraid of it is that you just keep quarantining and then you just wait till it just sort of burns out and then you just walking around, you know, like those people that never got chicken pox, they just sort of avoid people after a certain time. If you knew the podcast and you haven't figured out yet that I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about, then, uh, you know, welcome, you're not, you're not going crazy. You are thinking the exact thing. I have been doing nothing out here.

I have been, uh, other than my shows was the only people I've really been interacting with, of course, other than club soda, Kenny and Dean. And I just, uh, I stayed in the room, I'm practicing my French. I have turned a corner. I've gone a hundred, almost 145 days in a row on Duolingo. I got the fucking app and now I'm listening to French radio and now I'm, I've got, uh, I've been watching movies. The latest one that I watched, um, was called I am Jonas, which was, uh, was a good movie.

But the thing that I liked most about the movie, aside from the fact that, you know, you just watched like three of those movies, you start picking, because there's only so many fucking words, generally speaking, people use. There's like zillions of fucking words like I've noticed like, uh, you know, which gave me like hope that I can finally do this and get over the hump and become, learn another language. Right. But there's other things that made me like going, like, I'm never going to learn this

shit. Like one of the movies I watched, they had a horse in it. So they're speaking in French and then I have French subtitles. So I can't, they, they talk too fast for me, right? But the French subtitles, I can read a lot of it now, but like there was a horse in one scene and at one point it made, and that was the French word for that. And then after that, it went like, you know, and there was a word for that. It's like, there's no fucking way I'm going to learn all of this shit.

How am I going to remember that? What is the English word for, I don't even know what the fuck that is, but they got one over there. Right. But anyway, the coolest thing about that, I am Jonas movie, aside from like the way it was shot and the way they told the story was really cool, jumping around and everything for all you homophobes out there, it is about a gay couple. So I mean, I don't know if you want to watch.

I'm just giving you a heads up, you know what I mean? But at one point the two dudes go to a movie and the end of the movie that they show is a movie that I saw over 20 years ago with my buddy, unfortunately, we just passed away. And neither one of us could ever remember the name of it was one of the most fucked up movies I ever saw in my life. It didn't make any goddamn sense to me. I wasn't, you know, I wasn't too, you know, I was fresh out of the fucking living at home with my parents.

So I didn't know anything about artsy shit. I looked up the description. It was supposed to be like Beverly Hills 90210 on acid. And I think maybe I took it too literal. I'd love to watch it again, but I just remembered the movie ended, spoiler alert, like for years I talked about this movie go, dude, I saw this fucking movie. It made no goddamn sense whatsoever. And in the end, one of the characters turned into a giant bug and said, I'm out of here

and just flew out the window. And then that was the end of the movie. And I just remember I was with Wayne Previty, rest his soul. We both looked at each other like, what the fuck did we just watch? And then trying to figure it out. And I was like, dude, did they just like not have an ending to that movie? And then they just bailed. I don't I do not understand what the fuck I just watched.

But like I said, like I was at that point, I'd only watched cowboy movies, war movies, gangster movies. Like I wasn't too, I was pretty, I don't know, my mind was not exposed. I would love to watch it again, because I tried to bring it up to my wife. And the movie's called Nowhere. So I saw the movie and I called my wife and I'm like, I finally got the name of that movie. And she's like, oh, yeah, I saw that was it.

And she liked it. And there was like a trilogy of movies that this guy made, these really trippy, crazy movies that I don't think maybe I'll go back and I'll I'll watch that. So but anyway, French is coming along because you know, you know, one of the other reasons why I did this was because somebody told me it was too late. I said, you're too old, you can't learn another language. So I don't know what it is. Like if somebody said, you know what, you can do it.

He just got to apply yourself and you know, just every day, just chip away. That would make me not not do it. But then for so however the fuck I'm wired, if somebody, oh, you got to be kidding me. God damn it. I knew that was going to happen. I had like, I'm in Houston right now. So I was either going to get the fucking Eagles versus the Packers or the Patriots game. And I'm like, come on, man, come on, give me the Pats game and they're going to give

me the fucking Packers anyway. But if somebody says like, yeah, there's no way you can do that shit. I'm like, all right, well, then I'm going to fucking learn how to do it. So I don't know. I know I'm sounding crazy people, but I've literally been by myself. I've been alone for so fucking long. I learned how to whistle without using your fingers on this trip. Finally learned how to do that just like I ran out of shit to do.

I don't drink anymore. I don't watch porn. I got nothing. I can't smoke a cigar. I got all these fucking fucking shows to do. You know, I'm shredding my voice out here while having so much fun. These fucking Texas people are so much goddamn fun to perform in front of because they don't give a shit.

You know, jokes don't hurt them. So it's fun. And I really thought, but you know something when I was in, I was in a different part of Austin. I was in a different part of Austin where I was like outside, like I'll be honest with you. I actually, my view of Austin, Texas was just like, oh my God, dirty white people, food trucks and ridiculous traffic.

And of course the Texas Longhorns and that fucking tower where that guy shot everybody in Stevie Ray Vaughn and Lance Armstrong, right to me, that was fucking Austin, Texas and Matthew McConaughey. All right. I don't get it like that, right? But I never been outside of Austin and I only saw just a little bit of it and my God, was it gorgeous? It was fucking gorgeous.

And something I've always liked about Texas is all the pickup trucks out here. Obviously, I love trucks and everything like that. And there's some really nice ones out here. The amount of people, like the amount of four-door pickup trucks that are, I think I talked about this last podcast that you see out here. I swear to God, you see these things like almost more than you see cars. We drove by a couple of dealerships and the whole fucking lot was like trucks. So I guess obviously it was a truck dealership, but the sheer volume that they had, here's

a question I have. I don't understand why people don't hold onto their cars longer. Like this whole thing, like every three, four years, you've got to get a new car. What the fuck is wrong with your car? The things like get like, if you change the oil and take care of it, the fucking engine block is made out of steel. If you just maintain the thing, you're going to be fine. I guess people just like, they look at them like phones because I was kind of thinking

about my car. My car finally, the driver's seat just got broken in like my car is hilarious. Like the other seats, like the back seat is just pristine. Like no one's ever really even been back there, you know, I had a kid seat back there for a minute, right? Other than that, like nothing. And then the driver's seat is starting to finally, it's like broken in and getting started to get wrinkled in shit.

And I was driving that thing and I was just thinking like, you know what, I'm going to fucking drive this car maybe for the rest of my life. I don't know. That's how I am. Like if this phone that I had right here was the last phone I ever had, I'd be ridiculously excited. I know how it works, you know, takes video and all that. Like cause I could take video of my kids on this thing.

What kills me is like when, um, you know, like when you watch like, oh, YouTube videos and those fucking commenters are like, was this thing shot on a potato? It's like, no, it was shot on the best cell phone back then. So I'm wondering is like all of these videos that I'm taking, are they, they someday going to be all pixelated and it's like, I never did it. Do I need to get like a fucking video camera? Does anybody have any answers to these stupid questions that I'm not stupid questions, the technological questions that I am asking at this moment, um, I would appreciate it.

Um, so dude, I'm such a fucking tub of shit right now. I think I put on 15 pounds since I was in New York, but you know what, I'm going home and I'm going back on the goddamn diet for real this time rather than skipping around the diet. I'm going to the grocery store. I got one time I paid this nutritionist right, you know, to get in shape and, uh, I saved all the recipes and the grocery list for each week. So I have them all written down on a piece of paper in this little cookbook thing.

So I'm just going to grab that grocery list when I get home, bring my daughter to the grocery store and I'm buying all this stuff and then I'm just going to get back on it and it's going to take me a month and I'll be back into like hopefully acceptable shape. But, um, I wanted to go to the gym out here. I went a couple of times when I was in, um, when I was in Dallas, they had this where we were staying had like was one of those hotels where like half the building people lived there. The other half was just idiots like me coming through.

So they, um, so they had a killer gym and we would go down there in the afternoon and there would be nobody there. But when we, when we were in Austin, they had another killer gym, but like half the people like weren't wearing masks. So it's just like, all right, I get it. That's what you want to do. I don't want to be involved in that. So I didn't go, but I continued to eat like an asshole.

Um, you know, I had, what happened was I hit the crack pipe early on this tour. I went and I got that unbelievable barbecue at the pecan lodge, which if you ever go to Dallas, you got to go there and you have to get the brisket. It's not that thin cut. It's like fucking, it's like a half an inch thick. It's one of the best tasting cuts of meat. It's the best barbecue I have had. Um, and then the next night we ordered it again and it was closed.

And then, and then we got this shit barbecue that, oh, I already talked about this. I just remember I just talked about this, um, I'm watching the highlights. There it is. Did the jets lose again? Jets got 28 points and then gave up what a late touchdown. Let the fuck out of there. Was that to end the game? Oh, the poor jets.

I don't want to see them go on 16. Is this week 13 already? You got to be fucking kidding me. Is it really unbelievable? Is there anything faster than the NFL regular season? God damn it goes by so quick. Wait, but there's 17 weeks now because of the bye week. All right.

Still a month left and then the playoffs. When's hockey and basketball and all that shit going to start back up? You know, I don't know, hopefully soon. Once they get the vaccine out there, you know, they'll get the first 10 waves of people and then we'll hold down the rest of you. Anyway, you know, somebody took a picture. I got a poster for you. There was a guy.

I think he might have been going to my show. One of Dean's friends took a picture. Let me see if I can get this. There was a pickup truck and dude, this guy had this. I don't know. It looks like it's painted on the back of his truck. He had this shit painted on the back of his truck. Hang on a second.

Let me see if I can find this. All these crazy pictures I took here. Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't upload it yet. Hang on. Hang on. No, not upload. What do you say?

I didn't upload it yet. What the fuck is it? All right, I'll just paraphrase because I don't know where the hell it is. The back of his truck. It says COVID is not real. Stop bullshitting yourself. Is that what it is? No.

COVID, coronavirus is fake. On the other side of the truck, it says stop bullshitting yourself and it is absolutely gorgeous stenciled, a beautiful font, which I think he chose that font. It's incursive. I think he did that so, you know, I guess liberals would maybe hear what he was saying. If he had it in bold and black, which is, I think that's the fuck your feelings font. He went more with a gender neutral, like a gender neutral bathroom sort of, I just said the word.

We used to call it writing and printing, cursive, fucking hate that word, cursive. Who still writes in cursive? I do sometimes I go in and out of it, you know, like the way I eat in and out of being healthy and then eating like a fucking asshole. Oh, you got to be shit me. I got to watch the fucking shit ass eagles get killed by the Packers. This is what I got to watch here. Come on, Eagles.

It's a big game today. Give me a fucking game. Is that Tony Romo? Nice. Okay. So I got, I got the A team. That's one thing I've noticed about the Pats this year because we haven't been doing good. We start getting the B and C level fucking announcers and I just, I'm just seeing ounces.

I didn't even know we're fucking announcing in the NFL because we went in for 20 straight years. So it's all been like Jim Nance and Joe Buck every week. It's kind of cool to be listening to other people. I like the Eagles right out of the back, right out of the gate. That's it. Don't, don't run it out. Take a knee.

Okay. Don't do anything stupid. Carson Wentz. He's going to have a big day today. He's going to have a big, big day. It's going to be a great game because I'm not showing my Patriots. I want to see a good game. What's fucked up is I have the NFL package and I can't figure out my goddamn fucking password.

I could be watching the Pats game on my laptop right now. All right. That old stupid bill never writes down his passwords. He says he's going to, but the second he gets his password, something else distracts him and then he just continues to plow forward. Oh, there's the Eagles center where every time you watch an Eagles game, they go, he's never going to have to pay for a beer in Philadelphia, you know, which I think was true, but they've said it too many times and people live in Philadelphia.

Such cunts. They're going to probably make them pay for one just to go against the grain. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, nice. Fucking move. Um, anyway, plowing ahead here. So I got, I got four more shows, four more shows, and then I come home and I go on my

supermodel diet and then I get ready for Christmas. That's basically it. I think that's where I'm at. You know what? I just ate the last thing. I ordered a nice salad, which is a good thing, but I also ordered a pizza. All right. I don't know why the fuck I ordered pizza in Houston, Texas.

I knew it wasn't going to be good. Okay. I knew it wasn't going to be good, but I was like, you know, I can't eat it. I'm in Texas. I can't eat it anymore. Red meat out here. I've had like three burgers. I've had three barbecue.

I can't fucking do it. So I was like, let me just get a margarita pizza. The pizza was delivered to me upside down in the box. Like they flipped the car. So I opened the box and all I see is the underside of the pizza and it's just stuck to the top. And to my credit, I laughed and I, because just immediately it's just like, if I was in New York and that happened, I would be pissed in Boston, someplace where they know how to make a pizza.

I would be upset, but if you're in Houston, I mean, and you order a pizza, you deserve that thing to be sent to you upside down in the box. And I am talking this shit because I'm hoping people in Houston will be like, well, actually you should have gone here and they'll tell me the good spot to go to. So anyway, I turned the box over and then I opened the lid and I feel it slowly peel away and slam down to the bottom. And to the credit of the people that delivered it to me, they knew it sucked because they gave me a bunch of salt packets with it, you know?

It's like, yeah, yeah, I think you might need this. Put it on the cardboard box and maybe take a couple of bites of that. So anyways, I'm looking forward to doing the shows tonight. I also feel like they're going to be a little more COVID safe than fucking my last gigs out here because the show shows are at five and eight 30. So, you know, things start on time. I mean, the show is going to be done by six 36 40. I have like two hours to kill in between and we'll just, I don't know.

We'll see. We'll see how this thing goes. I am been having so much damn fun though on stage. I got a bunch of new jokes and I'm hoping, I don't know, I'm hoping that I can knock out a couple more here because as much as I'm tired, these last four shows of my last four shows, I mean, I don't have any more road dates until, I don't know, I don't know when next year or something, but I'm calling it right now. Twenty twenty one is going to be the shit. OK, the vaccine is going to work.

Nobody's going to get sick. OK, well, I can't say that. But like, you know what I mean, maybe some side effects here. OK, let's let's let's hedge our bets. See what I just did there. I just said it's going to be great. I just started to gashy up and then what I do, I took you back down again. I apologize to twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty one is going to be great if I can say the year.

All right, I'm finally going to get past this shit. We're all going to fucking move forward and hopefully help each other out. OK, and you know, hopefully, you know, with the new peace, love and liberals, we won't start another fucking war in the Middle East. I hope we don't do that. I hope we're going to convert to, you know, different energy sources. Wouldn't that be nice? I got to tell you, man, I fucking drove one of these Tesla's the other day,

one of those the fucking soccer mom SUV with the with the two motors in it. Jesus Christ. Was that thing fast? I was just sitting there going like that Tesla dude, you know, he's got to do next. He's got to make a fucking RV. I don't think you should do it. It's so goddamn fast. If you had one of those Tesla motors on both on the both the front and the back.

You couldn't I actually probably couldn't do that. Can you imagine like what? Imagine an RV being as fast as a fucking motorcycle, like zero to 60. You get yourself in trouble. Forget about what you hit. I just can't imagine all the frying pans and everything coming flying into the back of your head when you slam on the brakes or going out the back window when you took off.

So. Great drive over to from. Austin to Houston. You know, just seeing all of this shit. You know, once you get outside of the city, you know, they start seeing like all the Trump billboards and I saw this cool place where they had a bunch of old cars and then they had this red plane that they had painted Trump on the side of it.

There was a sign that had like a motorcycle in it. They just saw a lot of really like just interesting different shit out here. So I've been I've been having fun, man. So anyway, let's get into the some of the advertising here. By the way, I also the great Joe Rogan came out to one of my shows and and then I did. I may or may not have jumped on his podcast the next day. I can't quite remember.

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All right, run your theory by them. If they say that isn't fucking right, then you're not right. Okay, don't listen to me. All right. And if they say you're right, then you tell me and I'll do what you do. How about that? Cause I was talking to a nurse yesterday getting a COVID test and I was talking about some people are doing and she was just going like, I know this, they're

so fucking stupid. But I know what you guys are going to say. Some of you anyway, she's part of the conspiracy. All right, turkey fry follow up. Okay. Now this is what I talked about the other day. I know this, this broadcast might be a little bit frazzled. All right, but I have a lot of shit here.

I got to talk. I have to kind of plow through some of this stuff because I have to get to you guys questions because lately you guys with your questions, I got to, I got to tip my fucking cap to you. I get exposed, my bald, freckled head to you. You guys have been crushing it, you know, especially with the, uh, the dumb questions, um, if you work with the, uh, the, the general public, Jesus, I would love to hear from somebody who works in the medical field questions.

People have, you know, if I sneeze into the crook of my arm and then whap it on a baby, does that mean I got the antibodies? All right, turkey fry follow up. All right, over Thanksgiving, one of these years, I always wanted to do, dude, his Baker Mayfield in every fucking commercial out there. This fucking guy, he's probably making much as much money as the rock this year. Funny thing is he doesn't look like a quarterback. He looks like a little, like TV star.

He looks like a kind of like a nineties, one of those 30 something shows. Remember that guy with the beard? He does have more of the, uh, the Hitler youth fade though, that somehow came back in. Who's going to be the one to bring back the Hitler mustache? You know, it's going to be Bono from you two, right? Cause remember he was talking about how Charles Manson took a helter skelter and he's like, tonight we're going to take it back. I guess he did.

I don't know. I don't even know. I haven't heard anything about it since then. Um, maybe Bono can grow a Hitler mask mustache and bring that back. You know, for all of us who want to have that little fucking little duster on your face, what was that mustache? Yeah. Was that just like people who couldn't grow like a full one?

Sort of the, uh, the original soul patch, um, the upper Decker, Jim Florentine soul patches. That what it was? All right. Turkey fry followup. Hey, BB, uh, listen to you. I listened to your 11, 19 Thursday podcast about Turkey fries and wanted to share some tips with you as my husband and I, uh, used to do them for the holidays.

All right. For you who weren't listening, you know, the Turkey fry, right? You just stick it in there and like it's done in like 20 minutes, something crazy. And it's nice and crispy on the outside and evidently ridiculously juicy on the inside, you know, Turkey's really easy to dry out. It just really seems to be the way to go, but my issue was like, all right. And then, but then for the rest of the year, I got that stupid fryer. What am I going to do with it?

Just stick it in the fucking garage. I'm not into that. I like having a nice, clean garage. Anyway, uh, here, here's some answers here for the, uh, the Turkey fry followup. Okay. The bird is freaking delicious deep fried. Do you have to season it at all? I imagine you put like some sort of anything on it.

I know you can make fried chicken. People put like some, you know, something hot or something in the flour, whatever. I don't make fried chicken either. I know they say season the batter or something like that. Um, anyway, and it cooks very fast deep frying cooks three minutes per pound versus 20 minutes per pound roasting a bird in the oven. Do not under any circumstances. Once again, do not deep fry a frozen bird.

Yeah, it's going to blow up, right? Make sure your bird is thought out entirely. Hot oil coming in contact with a frozen bird will make a huge explosion. What kind of a fucking lunatic would stick a frozen, would try to cook anything frozen? Well, I thought it was a microwave and a deep. Why would I do the Southern accent? It would be something like me. I do.

I thought it was a fucking microwave and a, uh, and a deep fryer all at the same time, like shampoo and conditioner. Um, make sure your bird is thought through again. No huge explosion. Right. Next one, you can reuse the oil and fry all sorts of stuff. Other meats, veggies, cookies, all sorts of shit. So that's the way to get more use out of it, of all that oil.

Yeah. And get, become even fatter, man. I'm worried about that. Well, speaking of that, I remember one time I went to that, um, I went to the Red River game when I was up in Dallas at the cotton, when they still played it at the cotton bowl, the Longhorns versus, um, Oklahoma, and they had the big fair right next door. And every year they fried something different, deep fried Oreos. And then they had, um, deep fried Coca Cola.

Like, I don't even know how you would do that. I guess you would freeze the Coca Cola and then for, I don't know how to do it, but wouldn't that be an explosion? I don't know. Um, yeah, I don't want to be, I don't need to be deep frying shit at my age. Um, he said, you're spot on about it being a pain in the ass to get rid of the oil. Uh, you may be able to find a service in your area that will pick up and recycle, or you can dump it in a five gallon utility bucket with the cover,

toss that in a contractor bag and put it out with your trash. Not the most legal way of disposing oil, but it gets the job done. My husband and I had a bunch of turkey fryers over the years in our backyard in Boston and they were a blast. It was before we had kids. So we didn't, we also didn't have to worry about little ones getting near the fryer. Uh, but we were liquored up good and managed to keep things safe and you seem to have good common sense.

So have at it and enjoy. Yeah. One of my buddies, the way he does it, he just, he does it in his driveway, like in brushes away, any leaves, anything that could possibly catch on fire. And he doesn't seem to have a problem. Um, all right. Well, thank you very much for all of those tips. Uh, once I do this diet and I take off all the weight and I'm ready to put it back on

again, I'll, I'll try it out. All right. Love from Kenya. Uh, Hey Billy boy, I am a big fan from Kenya. Look at this. Look at this all around the world. People listening to this shit talking, um, and have been seeing people from Africa saying how they love the podcast and wanted to chime in, get out of here.

Started from the first episode and they've been plowing through the old podcast and I've been loving it. Um, wait, are you talking about you? All right. Hey Billy, I'm a fan from Kenya and I've been seeing people from Africa saying how they love the podcast and want, oh, saying you wanted to chime in. Started with the first episode, blub. Okay.

I thought you said you were walking around Kenya and people are listening to my podcast that didn't seem right. Okay. So I got one fan out there. I love it. That's how you build. That's how I did in America. That's how I'll do it out there.

Someday I'll go to the Kenya funny bone or Laugh Lounge, whatever you call it, out there, um, M and M and M at the point. Nia diagnosed you with ADD. You must be early on. I had to check out NFL and hockey to understand some of your references for your jokes being from Kenya. We're more into soccer and rugby. Uh, those are both great games.

Dude, rugby is fucking brutal. That is brutal, brutal sport. Also hearing you go off on the ladies over there, just cracks me up. Watch all you stand up. And I really liked the Hitler bit on walk your way out. Would love for you to come and do a show here. The podcast helped me work faster. It makes the hard times bearable as I am also a computer science student.

Keep doing pull-ups and push-ups and don't get fat on us and go fuck yourself. Yeah. You were listening to an old one. My shoulders, I'm still rehabbing and when I was doing great and I picked up my stupid suitcase and that one in the back just acted up just a little bit though. I think I'm all right. I'll ice it when I get back on Tuesday. Um, all right, from Syria, Syria.

I think that's one of the only places on the planet that doesn't have Netflix. Last I checked North Korea and Syria, I believe. Um, hi, Billy plowing ahead. Burr, I heard in the last two podcasts from the fans from Egypt and the Middle East and wanted to add another one to the list. I'm a 25 year old IT engineer from Syria. Um, Aleppo, Aleppo, I don't know, currently living in Australia. We had to move from Syria because of the war.

And during the whole process, your podcasts have always given my days a positive feel and a wholesome, energetic push. I got to read these to my wife, you know, when she goes off on me. Oh, yeah. Well, why don't you talk to the guy from Syria that now lives in Australia? He seems to see me as a ray of light. Um, the life back home was so similar to growing up in the West, I think, but it also depends on what city or country you were born in.

I grew up in a middle class family, went to a private school and spent my time between studying family church and Boy Scouts. It also surprised me how lots of people think that we mostly live in tents or there are no Christians in the Middle East, but I guess there are stereotypes for every region. Hope that one day you are able to visit and see what was once a great country to grow up in. That sucks, man.

Well, I hope they're able to rebuild. I just really, I don't understand it, man. I don't, I don't fucking get it. Um, yeah, but I will tell you this. My idea of the Middle East was it was sand and, uh, uh, mosques, people in like burkas in the, but I just didn't, I just didn't picture any green. I don't know what I thought it was.

I just, yeah, I just felt it look like the bad lands of new, uh, like New Mexico or something. Um, and then you just see those pictures and stuff where you have like, yeah, you have green trees and all of that type of shit. I just, I thought it was all desert over there. You know, operation desert storm. So you just think it's all a desert over there. I haven't, you know, I had no idea what it looked like.

Um, so, although I did go to, I went to Israel one time. I'm trying to remember what that even looked like. I only, I was only there for like a day and a half. I was in Tel Aviv. I had a great time. Such a great time. You know, and everybody, the Palestinians were cool. Israelis were cool.

It's kind of the usual shit. Everybody's cool. And then the people up top are yelling at each other. And then those cool people end up having to kill each other. Right. Uh, we are the world. Shut up Bill. Well, I mean, that's what it seems like to me.

I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I'm just a guy out here fucking doing shit jokes. Doing shit jokes. Look at the Eagles. They're up three to nothing. Carson Wentz, you know, he's got him down on the pack. It's dirty yard line, second and eight.

That guy's still got the football and can get a beer and not have to pay for it. Oh, look at that. Look what happens. Then he gets sacked. Carson Wentz goes down because I brought it up. All right. The cunt of my street segment from Latvia. Oh yeah.

There's always one cunt on every fucking street. It's like a rule. There has to be. It just has to be one. All right. So now we're in Latvia. Do you guys know where Latvia is? It's right out there near, uh, isn't it near Lithuania?

I believe I did it in Estonia. I did gigs out there one time. Hey, Billy, ginger nuts. Around the world. Just no respect for my glowing pubes. I'm a 29 year old from Latvia and heard you were looking for some stories of the cunt on my street from around the world. Yes.

This will, this will also bring people together to know that there's people around the world who also have inconsiderate assholes that they live next to. Well, here's one from the good old northern Europe. Mine's a cunt next door since since I live in an apartment building. OK, but he's a cunt nonetheless with his devil's trinity. What is devil's trinity? You asked.

That's exactly what I asked. Well, it's the three sources of disturbance that blast through the walls and into my apartment, and I'm not kidding when I say this every single day. Oh, my God, the old loud neighbor. Number one, the cunt has a baby. Oh, come on, man, have a fucking heart, huh? He says that don't get me wrong. I got nothing against babies and we like to have one or two of my own someday.

But by God, I don't know what the fuck. That dude does as a parent because his baby cries hysterically every day. Sometimes up to periods of an hour or more. Yeah, he might have a colloquially baby or he's just not doing a good job. Says I lived in an apartment for over a year now, and there hasn't been a day where I haven't heard the screeches and screams of the poor thing. I've honestly considered calling child services.

Yeah, I've kind of learned my limited, limited, limited experience as a parent. Like. Kids cry for like. If my kids crying, it either needs to be changed. It's hungry. It's tired. It needs a change of position. Or I just like bounce it up.

I sit on the exercise ball, just bounce it up and down. God knows I'm not exercising on it. I just sort of get him to go back to sleep again. Yeah, it's weird. This is a lot of people that have kids that. They're not too good at it. All right, the cunt also has a wife. And from what I hear again on the regular, they're not very thrilled with each other.

When it's not the screams of the tiny human, it's the screams of the two adults who yell at each other at convenient times, you know, around 11 p.m. And obviously more often than not, they're screaming, disturbs the baby who then joins their choir of misery. Jesus Christ, dude, you're painting the hell of a picture here. Number three. The cunt next door. Number three.

Oh, and did I mention that the cunt also has a grand fucking piano? There's no way in an apartment he has a grand piano. It's not a stand up piano. So when he's not yelling either at the baby or his wife, he's banging the piano keyboard so hard. It sounds like there's an orchestra right in my room to his credit. He doesn't suck, but he always plays around 10, 11 p.m. What a fucking asshole.

Why when I'm in bed trying to fall asleep? So there you go. A Latvian cunt. Thanks for all you do and come visit Latvia again. We miss your crimson stubble. Much love and go fuck yourself. Have you tried talking to him at least about playing the piano? And if he plays the piano, he's got to be waking the baby up.

Maybe that's why it's crying. Jesus Christ, dude, that whole thing just stressed me out. That whole fucking thing just stressed me out. All right, Japanese food, order, authentic segment. Oh, OK. Because that guy, oh, that guy sent me that how to the order the authentic Mexican food. I don't want to happen. I lost it.

I thought I saved it, but I maybe Andrew still has it. So this is the deal. How do you know everything's like Americanized? So I want to talk to the actual people of the nationality, whatever you want to call it, that make the food and they'll tell you how to order here. So this is from a Japanese person, a Billy Bukaki, that's right. You should be proud. You guys came up with the Bukaki corn, corn, corn, corn.

I'm a long time listener to your podcast and a big fan of your comedy. I'm an Englishman who's been living in Japan for the past 10 plus years. Oh, OK, so it's not it's an English guy out, Jesus Christ. You're going to tell me how to order authentically. Well, you'd know better than me. I've never been to Japan. If you're looking for Japanese food to try out, I recommend some simple Japanese air quotes, soul food like yakisoba, stir fried soba noodles with pork.

I've never even heard of that. Gidon, a Gidon, G-U-I-D-O-N, sliced beef and gravy over rice. That sounds tremendous. And taiyaki, a fish shaped doughnut with a custard filling. What? Dude, that sounds disgusting. Now, the others two sounded great. A fish shaped doughnut.

Oh, no, no, no. I thought the doughnut was made out of fish and then you had custard in it. I was just like, there's no way to make that. The Italians couldn't even make that taste good. OK, so it's shaped like a fish and it has custard in the middle. You know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, you know what, you piqued my interest. I got to Google that.

Let's see, T-A-I-K-A-Y-A. Did I spell it right? Is there anything slower than hotel internet? Oh, taiyaki, K-I. Oh, you fucking concy. Am I really going to have this kind of fucking internet? I got this goddamn fucking Zoom shit I got to do tomorrow. Oh, what is the fucking problem now?

I give up. I mean, how fucking, maybe because there's fucking nine million people using it in the hotel. All right, I'll take your word for it. It's a goddamn. I knew this was going to fucking happen. I've had killer internet, the whole goddamn fucking tour. And now, of course, tomorrow, when I got to do these Zoom fucking stupid interviews, ah.

And then you, what happens? You call downstairs. Well, the internet is not part of us. Here's a fucking number you can call and no human being will ever answer it. And then you could try and figure it out. You, look at this shit. Unbelievable. Well, if it happens every time, Bill, at some point, it has to be believable, right?

At least you could anticipate it. All right. High level question. William, your paper mache globe. Oh, William, you paper mache globe headed content. What came first? Shallow girls at surprising volume or social media? I don't even understand that question.

I just love your insult. Your insult was worth me being confused with your question. What came first? Shallow girls at surprising. So dumb women talking loud or social media? Oh, I think, well, dumb people are always loud. That's what you're listening to right now in this podcast. So I think we've always been loud and then social media gave us a voice.

Yeah, but I think it's, it's like steroid, like social media makes it on steroids, I would say that will be my guess. All right. Dumb question for employees banking. My brain is so fucking tired. I've been seeing all this shit lately about how you have to get sleep and all that type of stuff. And I just haven't been sleeping well. So I'm fucking mumbling like a jackass on this goddamn thing. Dumb question for employees banking.

Dear Bill, I know how much you hate us banker cunts. I hate the system is what I hate. You know, the fact that you just can't at some point make a certain level of money and then be like, okay, I'm done. It just seems like they're just going to have you run on the wheel until you drop. All right. I know how much you hate us banker cunts, but I still wanted to share my top five dumb questions from working with the public and their finances for the last 10 years. Well, I bet if you were doing, oh, if you've been doing it for the last 15 years, sometime around 2005 2006, people would have been like, wait, how the fuck am I qualified to buy this house? You would have heard that question.

All right. Number five, when referring to your to the feature of being able to take a picture of a check on your phone to deposit it to your account. If I take a picture of cash, will that be deposited to my account too? That's almost not a dumb question because the fact that you just take a picture on your phone, I still don't get that or trust it. Why has been Franklin on the $100 bill? He wasn't that great of a president. Okay. For those of you don't get that, he was never a president.

He says, I love the arrogance of this one because not only were they confident enough to think he was a president, but they didn't think he was a very good one at that. That's hilarious. Yeah, he's not a good president. You know, he's not a good president. They never bring him up. Whenever they talk about the great presidents or even list the presidents, all of the presidents, you never hear the guy's name? All right, number three, a guy called wanting to refinance his house. Hi, I need to buy my house again.

Yeah, maybe that guy was educated. And he was probably shitting on you guys because he realized that refinancing his house, he was going back to payment one. Where if he was like five years into his mortgage, people don't understand that they go back, you go back to payment number one and you owe 30 years again. So even though the number goes down, you know, your payment goes, you'll say your mortgage goes from 500 to 375 a month, you're still losing money and they're making more money by refinancing your house. Unless you are planning to pay it off and then you take the lower payment so you can put more money towards the interest and you're going to pay it off in the same time as when it was $500 a month. Then I think he can beat the system. But that's actually, if he's being sarcastic, then that's actually a funny question. All right, number two, will you move my investments out of this account if you get any information before the market does?

Oh, Jesus, I hate to say it, but I would probably fall into that category. I don't understand how stocks work either. So he says, sure, buddy, I'll let you know how well your money is going is doing when I call you from prison. All right, number one, a woman deposited $80 in cash at the ATM and accidentally punched in 800. This was back in the day when you had to type in how much cash you were depositing and then place it in an envelope. She ended up spending the $800 and then once we caught it and corrected her account, she came in and asking for her 800 back. I don't even understand that. That's so dumb. Wow. I mean, she should be happy that you did. That's not some sort of theft because she knew that money wasn't real.

But then again, don't you bankers know that most of the money that you're loaning out isn't real? Let's say she deposited $800. You can loan out 100% of that plus another 800 times two, can't you? So don't you guys counterfeit $1600? That's how we get in trouble. I do like the latest real estate bubble, the high end apartments or whatever, luxury apartments that you're loaning out to people with blood money from different parts of the world. At least she got the money. So I'm hoping because every city seems to be doing massive amounts of construction and nobody I know can really afford to do anything right now. And you're building all of this shit that nobody can afford.

So it kind of seems like something bad is going to happen is what I'm guessing. I don't know. Car rental. Hey, Mr. Billy worldwide, I'm a 26 year old Croatian listener from Germany who works at a rental car, who works at a rent a car front desk at the airport. It sucks ass. Sometimes I feel like I'm robbing people blind, but it pays my rent. And soon enough, I'm going to leave all that shit behind me. I'm studying web and graphic design. That's fantastic. Through these few years of working there, I've been left speechless so many times.

Can't even remember all of it, maybe for the better. And here are some of it. By the way, the last three happens a lot. All right. Guy had a fuel up. Okay. Guy had a fuel up front option on his contract, did a two week vacation, filled fuel a few times on different gas stations and didn't pay for it. Police waited for him on the car return. When asked why he didn't pay for it, he showed them up. She showed them the fuel option on the contract and said, they gave me free diesel.

Oh my God, I bet the cops were fucking dying. That's hilarious. Another guy wanted to try an Audi. Didn't know the car's name. So he asked me, can I give him the car with the Olympic circles on it? Oh Jesus, that's something I would do. You know, this is just making me, these are so funny, but I, so much of this shit is something, I would do something along the, I wouldn't say that to the guy. I would say to my wife going like, what are the, you know, they got the Olympic circles. I don't know what the fuck is that called?

Uh, when I asked for a credit card and a driver's license, people answer with why, or even worse, what is a credit card? I mean, I'm trying to rent you a car over here. Even worse, what is a credit card? Oh, sorry, I'm trying to get you a car over here. People want me to sell them plane tickets. We were at a rental car desk. One lady actually made a scene and started yelling at me like she was Adolf's nephew herself.

Like it was my fault. She can't find the Lufthana office, which by the way has its whole fucking terminal just for Lufthana. I can never say that. Lufthana. Um, and use her own eyes and read signs that are in her mother fucking language all over the place. When asked to, do they cross the border? When asked, do they cross the border? Some reply with, yeah, I'm driving to Australia. Is there anything specific I need to know?

Under Australia, they mean Austria. This is what, sorry people, I can't fucking read today. Let me do this again. When I, when I asked them, oh, you forgot to write some words here. When I asked, do they, if they're going to cross the border, some reply with, yeah, I'm driving to Australia. Is there anything specific I need to know? Under Australia, they actually mean Austria.

This one is usually heard from you Americans. How can a man not love you? Thank you so much for the podcast. Love your rants and hope to see you in Munich after all this COVID shit is over. Congrats on the baby boy. Enjoy the holidays and go fuck yourself. Oh, that guy was from Germany. Okay, no wonder I couldn't understand some of that shit.

Oh God, my Pat's fans are checking in. Dude, are you watching this shit? All right, that's the podcast, everybody. I got a huge guest for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast this week. So please be sure to tune in. I'm very, very excited to have this person on. And I had so much fun being out here in Texas.

And, you know, if I was going to gain a bunch of weight, I can't think of better food than Texas barbecue out here. I had an absolute, I had a ball performing for all of you guys. You guys were fun as shit. The women are great. Laughing at all my fucking ignorance. Instead of getting uptight like they were in New York City last summer. When I had one of my worst experiences as a comedian.

I just was fucking. That was just, I've, it was like, I got an entire career worth of groaning in one summer doing that stuff. So any hoop, that is it. And if there's any, anybody from France, anybody from France, why don't you write in with some easy French and I'll try and read it out loud and then try and translate it on the fly. En français.

Yeah, that's it. All right, everybody, let's go Pats. I'm going to try to figure out how I can watch this game online with my internet that doesn't work. Okay, go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you with a huge guest this, this Thursday. All right, I'll see you. Bye.