Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-8-14

Episode Date: December 9, 2014

Bill rambles about Sound Cloud, virgins and his new stand up special.

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Monday, December 8th, 2014. What's going on everybody? How are you? Oh Jesus Christ. All freckles, all freckles has been fucking smoking too many cigars and the fucking booze. I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it. You know what it is? I'm ready for my fucking year to be over. I'm ready to be on vacation. I'm burned out. I am burned out from all the crap I've been doing.

I don't work this hard. I'm a comedian. I sit around on the couch all day. I take up the ukulele. Just killing a day, waiting for my show at 8 o'clock at night. That's what I was supposed to be doing. But you know, I got a couple things going on. I had to promote my special everybody. For those of you who didn't hear, my new stand-up special just came out Friday. It's on Netflix exclusively, it's exclusively on Netflix.

It's called I'm Sorry You Feel That Way. And got to admit, people really seem to be liking it. Thank Christ. I want to thank everybody, you know, Netflix, New Wave, J.Karris for directing it. Giving me the special, the look that I wanted and people seem to like it. So that's all good. It's all fucking good. As far as you were wondering, well, when can I, when can I see, can I buy it? Netflix has it for a year.

One year from now, when anybody who wanted to see it already has seen it, then I'm allowed to sell it on DVD, Blu-ray or whatever the fuck I want to do. You know, you know the deal. So that's one, and that's when I'll have it available. That's just the deal. That's just how it is, you know. Considering the current climate on the internet, this is the way you have to do the deals because, you know, people fucking steal them. So if somebody's willing to put the money up for the special, what the fuck are you going to do?

Plus, Netflix works great for me because I like to try to travel as far as I can internationally speaking. And, you know, Netflix seems to be getting more international as we go along. So it's been, it's really been a nice marriage between the two of us. But seriously, I got a ton of great feedback on my special, and I feel it's my best work, you know. And now that I've said that, you guys can be cunts and be, well, actually, I saw you in premium blend and I felt the material combined with your fucking velour shirt was much better. The fuck did I wear on that? I think I had on it. I think it was a crush velvet fucking green button up shirt or something like that and black pants. I can't remember.

It was one of those ones where it became dated, I think before the end of my set. But, you know, if you once in a while you take a chance and it doesn't work out, I basically look like I'm in Robin Hood's like if Robin Hood had an agent, like that's how you would dress. Whatever, nobody gave me shit that night. So everyone I watched was also guilty. All right, let's plow ahead here. So anyway, so I have to take my fucking laptop over to this place here in my, my part of Los Angeles and I take it over there and the guy figures out what I need is, I needed a new hard drive. So he puts the new fucking hard drive in. So this morning I go to, you know, download all the information I get all your questions and whatnot and then make my list

of subjects that I might talk about or might not talk about. So I go to open up this fucking is it program app? I don't know what the fuck you call it. It's one of the things where you can actually write, you know, you can type some shit on and save it later in like a document. And I open the fucking thing up and immediately it's just steering me towards this sound cloud shit. Yeah, we can save it and then you can have it on all your devices. You know, have you ever thought about how fucking dumb you are if you're using sound cloud? I'm not even talking about as convenience. The fact that you're just giving access to your goddamn life to God knows who. You know what? And then you're going to sit around and

I can't believe somebody stole my identity on that picture of my dick end up on the fucking internet. It's like, what are you doing? Don't give people access to your photos and your files and all of that shit because of some fucking little kid mentality. Well, what if I lose them? What do you got a fucking balloon tied around your wrist? That's what you got the backup hard drive for. Put them on there at once a week. Just fucking send a few over there. And then if something catastrophic happens to your laptop, you still have 98% of your shit. You're going to survive. So having said that, does anybody know how to disable that fucking goddamn cloud? Fucking weirdo, man. Fucking creep. That's just like some nerd.

Like if you looked over and there's just some nerds standing in your window with his black framed glasses, trying to look at all your pictures, trying to see what the fuck you're writing about, trying to see what websites you're on. The whole thing is fucking creepy. You know, it's really creeping me out is somebody recently is trying to suggest that the camera that's on your fucking laptop is on all the time and potentially somebody could be watching you or it's recording you or whatever. What the fuck are they going to save all of that? You know what I mean? Although it does kind of freak me out. I just I just had a bad week with the technology, everybody. I am so fucking anti all of this shit. And I know is I just feel

like it's convenient as it makes your life. The amount of fucking money it costs and shit crashing and then you got to upload it and then try to figure out how to use the new shit. And then and then then just just more and more trying to figure out just spy on you. They're fucking spying on you for whatever reason to try to sell you more toothpaste or to just make sure they got enough dirt on anybody who ever decides to run for political office for the rest of fucking time. Do you realize right now that the next president, right, not the next president, some president in the future, say some president in 2040 or whatever right now is probably getting videotaped jerking off to something, right?

And they're going to have all of that fucking information. All the fucking creepy shit you did, all your weird little thoughts, all your insecurities, all every fucking thing they need to know about you to keep you in line. I know everybody thinks this is like paranoid thought. I know it's not this word Jay Edgar. You know how much Jay Edgar Hoover would fucking love the cloud? That fucking weirdo. He used to sit there going around Washington trying to just have dirt on everybody. So he could walk up and talk to you and just know shit about you, who you will fuck in, what you were doing, if you were secretly gay or anything,

and he probably sat there talking to you, right? The weird look on his face. He'd be like, this guy's just giving me the creeps. Why is he, why is this guy giving me the fucking creeps? It's because he knows about your life and he's so excited about it. He's probably, his fucking dick is probably at half mass as he's talking to you. You know, Jay Edgar Hoover. You know, and then they try to say that that guy actually was used to walk around in a dress all day. You know, I don't understand this. I don't understand why you would want to walk around in a fucking dress as a man or a woman. Not really the dress. I can understand the dress. That's like having

a bathrobe that doesn't open, right? Wear one of those fucking things, you know? You're having on a smock. I just don't get the shoes. Why the fuck would you want to wear? I mean, they look good. They look good when the lady's prance around them, but what the fuck would you, anybody in their right fucking mind would want to walk around in your tippy toes the whole goddamn day, fucking up your back is beyond me. And you would think that if you're a dude, you're like, oh good, I don't have to wear that shit to go out of your way to actually wear it. You know, why would you do that to yourself? You know, I'm gonna go and dress up like a woman, but wear some flats. Jay Edgar, you know, you're gonna fucking slip at disc. You're not,

you're not exactly in shape. Anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I'm so fucking busy. I got one more acting gig here. We're shooting the FXX pilot this week. I'm doing it this week with the always sunny guys. And I wrap next week on Wednesday. All right, I wrap next week, Wednesday when I wrap next Wednesday, actually Tuesday night, so Wednesday's gonna be my first just back to being a comedian again. All right. Back to my fucking playing drums. Back to my whatever the fuck it else I used to do, going hikes with my dog. I cannot fucking wait. And I got two, three weeks, where I'm just gonna chill out. And by chill out, I mean, probably do stand up 80% of the nights

because I got to come up with a new act because I got my big, my big tours coming up of Australia, New Zealand, and parts of Asia, parts of Asia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Saigon did not work out. We're gonna have to do that on the next one. But and then I'm going to some fucking place in India. I don't know what it is. I think it used, it's the place that used to be called Bombay. Let me look it up. I think it's there. I shouldn't be saying that shit. Let's see Bombay, India. Let's see what it says here. Yeah, Mumbai. I think that's where I'm going. Jesus Christ. Look at these fucking pictures. Feast of famine. Yeah, so I'm going to be doing that. I'm actually a little creeped out to be flying around Asia and that type

of shit just because I don't read up on fucking aviation and that type of thing. Just I'm just hoping I have the whatever plane I'm on the copilot when he sees we're running out of gas, doesn't give a fuck about embarrassing the captain and says, Hey, dude, I'm not trying to be a dick here. I'm not trying to get out of out of line, but we're going to fucking be on the ground at 10 minutes unless you fucking pull over at a station. We're running out of gas over here. Look, I'm not even looking at you. I'm not even looking at your captain not trying to disrespect your authority or suggest that you're fucking up right now, but you're kind of fucking up right now. All right. I'm nervous about that other than

that, that and getting caned in Singapore. I've been told that you can just kind of do whatever you want on stage. It just doesn't make sense to me that if I'm in a fucking country that you can get arrested for spitting gum on the sidewalk that I can actually go on stage and talk the way that I want to talk. I don't know about that. Oh, Billy butt cheeks is going to find out though. No, I'm really looking forward to it. It always, you know, it's always cool. I'm hoping to actually be able to hang out with the locals, drink a couple of beers, shoot the shit, hear what the fuck they have to say and meet some comics abroad. Yada, yada, yada, see what the fuck goes on over there. That's going to start up. I don't even know. Why don't I go to my own website

and figure it out for you? I actually did yesterday. I did four hours of phoneers right in the middle of the football. So I missed a ton of football, but I have to promote these. I got to promote these shows and call some places in New Zealand and Australia. Dude, Australians are fucking hilarious. I'm calling them up and almost every reporter was going so you're touring all of Australia. And I'm like, yeah, pretty much going across sitting just about every major city except that one city that begins with an A that I'm getting a bunch of shit for for not going to Adelaide or whatever the hell it's called. It just didn't work out. But anyways, they all had the exact same question. They were just going like, yeah,

I see, you know, you're touring over here. Why? He's kept asking me why. And I was like, I don't know. It kind of seemed like, why not? Like, why wouldn't I? I don't know. They're like, have you read up on anything that's going on down here? Do you know what's going on in the news? And I'm like, no. Yes, because your accent is really American. I'm fucking American. It's going to be fine. Stop getting in my fucking head. I went to Melbourne and I've been to Sydney and it went fine. The fuck am I supposed to read up on wombats? Just going down there talking about my life. I guess it's going to be hot as fucking bulls

when I get there. My first one is January 27th. I'm going to be at Perth, Australia. And I guess it's going to be, could get upwards of 40 degrees Celsius. Now for you, those of you in the land of America is the easiest way to learn Celsius. All right. Water freezes at zero Celsius and boils at 100 degrees Celsius. It's really simple. All right. So, you know, water boils at what was it? 212 degrees or some shit like that. So, all right. So, 100 Celsius is 212. That means 50 Celsius is like about 106 degrees. You just do it that way. You just keep cutting it in half. He can roughly guess whatever the fuck it is. So, they said it gets up to about 40 Celsius. So, they're talking over 100 fucking degrees.

Old Freckles is, I wasn't counting on that. I thought it was going to be nice and balmy because I've been there in October and it was a little bit chilly, sort of fall type of weather. And I guess they were coming out of there. Well, I don't know, but I'm looking forward to going to Perth. I'm going to, Bon Scott is buried there for my favorite band ever, ACDC. So, I'm going to go pay my respects there. They got a statue of them there. I'm going to walk around Perth for a day or so, get acclimated to, you know, the time over there, which is fucking brutal. That would actually be the furthest, oh no, that actually wouldn't be. That would actually be a better time zone for me, right? Because Sydney and Melbourne are further to the

international dateline. That's closer to it. So, I'm actually moving further away. So, I actually pick up a couple hours. That's not bad. Sorry, doing the math there. And then, okay, so on January 27th, I'll be at the Perth Convention and Exhibition Center. On the 29th, I'll be in Melbourne Arts Center, fucking thing. January 31st, I'm in Brisbane, Brisbane, however the fuck you say it, Brisbane City Hall. On February 1st, I got two shows at the Sydney Opera House. And then February 3rd, in New Zealand, February, Auckland Town Hall, and then I'm doing the Opera House in Wellington, New Zealand. So, you know, I've heard nothing but great things about New Zealand, too. Unless you go to Australia, and then they always make fun of them. But it's just

like you're just doing that because you got nobody else to make fun of down there. It's the closest fucking country, right? They're right there. So, you get to act like all the fucking yahoo's live in New Zealand. You know, I've driven a little bit of Australia. I drove from fucking Melbourne over to the fucking 12 Apostles, whatever the hell they were. And, you know, it got a little hairy there as we were driving around. Yeah, I'm gonna tell them saying, you know, you get out there, there's a lot of surfers and that type of shit. But I mean, you know, I don't know, Australia's fucking insane. Do you realize like the top 10 most poisonous snakes on the planet are all in fucking Australia? Every last fucking one of them. Like, the inland tie pan has like enough venom.

I mean, it would fucking just drop a goddamn elephant, right? It'd bite the elephant, and the elephant would be like, ah, what the fuck was that? And then just bam down on the ground, fucking over. And then that thing would dislocate its jaws and it could swallow that elephant whole. I'm fucking with you. It couldn't, but it could fuck it up, kill it. And evidently, the reason why they have that much venom is because food is so scarce. So, they have to be even if they just wing it. You know what I mean? It'd be like if a sniper shot you with a bazooka and just sort of grazed you, that would be it for you. You'd be done. You'd be finished. So, I'll be wearing boots the whole time I'm over there. I'm gonna wear some thigh high Timberlands snakeproof shit.

I don't know. And I'm sure all the locals would be actually might they're actually fucking scared of you. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. So, and I'm trying, I'm actually going to travel really, really, really, really, really light. Okay. So, for all you cunts who are already going to give me shit going bill, you wore the same two shirts, the whole fucking tour. That's right. I did. All right. Jim Morrison wore those smelly brown leather pants for an entire fucking tour. All right. I can't go over there with two shirts. Oh, Billy, two shirts. One shirt, two shirt, red fish, blue fish. That's what the fuck I'm doing. I'm gonna have two pairs of pants, two shirts. And then I'm dressing like I'm on the Sopranos when I'm on a plane, which

means I'm wearing a little fucking tracksuit. And that's it. I'm gonna have my fucking toilet tries with me. And I am not bringing. I'm not checking any fucking bags. But here's the problem. I'm traveling with my lady. And you know how women travel, you know, they fucking, you know, they fucking, they bring a lot of shit. Why women be bringing all that shit? Sorry. I wanted to early 90s def jam there. All right, let's get to the inbox here. What do we got here? Let's, let's get to some live reads for this week. Oh my goodness, everybody. Hey, by the way, I've actually figured out that I am dyslexic a little bit. I'm not like really bad, but I've really started to pay attention to it and the way words get

jumbled up as I'm fucking reading them. And then I look at a word and I think it says life, but it's actually file. It's not like the bill, like a debilitating kind of fucking thing, but I I got a little, you know, you know, a little bit, a little bit. All right, man great, attention, grill masters. The holiday season there is only this holiday season there is only one gift that is an absolute must have. It's the man great, great, great, great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's a man great? You ask. I'm so psyched. You pretend I pretended you just asked that because I got information on what it is. A man great, man greats are American made, America, high quality, 100% cast iron grill grades that sit right on top of your existing grill grates, just holding them down.

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last night here in downtown LA. And I was just, I'm pretty sure it's this apartment complex that I've been driving by drove by a lot this year. I mean, those of you who watched that Seinfeld thing, you guys know that I learned how to fly a helicopter this year. And so I would get up early in the morning. And as I was driving down, you know, for my lessons, I would fucking drive by this apartment building that was going up in like two seconds, you know, and as I'm sitting there getting construction downstairs, and that's taken all fucking goddamn year, and I'm watching this thing just flying up. But granted, they got a fucking hundred person crew or whatever. This thing burned to the goddamn ground. And these firefighters talking about it was hilarious,

was saying how big the fire was, was saying that they actually call it like this was a career fire. You know, like a quarterback had a career day, you know, going 35 or 38 for 460, you had a career day. These firefighters have like a career fire. How fucking great an expression that is that. Are there any firefighters who listen to this? I want to hear about your career fire. You know, I want to hear some from some firefighters. I want to hear what's the most fucked up thing you've seen in a fire. I don't mean anything disgusting about death. I mean, afterwards, as you're going through the fucking rubble, trying to find like what caused the fire. Have you ever just found like a safe at the bottom of it and nobody's claiming it?

You know, and then you try to get the fat fuck from the firehouse. The guy who makes the chili to come over there and try to pick it up and put it in the back of your fucking Dodge Ram. You know, it sounds like a fucking movie with Billy Bob Thornton. All right, and we don't tell anybody. Ends up being some fucking, come on, man, you can't tell me every once in a while. You went in there, you risked your life. I mean, fucking burning the deaths got to be one of the worst deaths ever. And you face that every fucking day. You can't tell me that when you're rummaging through that, you find you don't find a couple of trinkets and be like, you know what, I earned this. You stick it in the front fucking lapel pocket of your heavy duty rubber raincoat there.

It's not made out of rubber, right? It would melt. I don't know. I want to hear some fire stories, but I want to hear about people getting burned up. I don't want to hear about that shit, but I just like, you know, is the logo, are you the low guy in the totem pole as a firefighter where after the big boys put the fire out, you're the guy who's got to sit there pissing on it for like the next three days, just standing up there, going back and first got to be the shittiest job ever. There's no fucking excitement whatsoever. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, you got the fucking maniac who writes the book, he gets to drink whiskey, be suicidal and fuck bitches, right? Then you got the guy who's the proof reader in the end. Gotta make sure the past

part is both does up with the fucking advert, whatever the fuck they do. That's what that's what that guy is. That guy's the firefighter equivalent of like a proof reader, you know, or that guy in the locker room who picks up all the towels after all the players fucking rub their balls with them. That's what that is. That has to, there's no way. There's no way you're in the starting lineup at your fucking firehouse and you got to do that shit. You're not doing that. You're there when there's the flames. All right. Come on, you guys break that guy's balls when he's up there. Hey, make sure you spray over there. I think I saw a fucking spark or two. Anyways, all right, let's talk sports. You know what? I watched very little football this week

because I was wrapping up watching, I was binge watching as the children say, I was watching that show The Killing. I watched the first two seasons about a year ago and I started to watch season three, the first episode. I don't know what happened. I just got busy and what was cool is during the time it took me to jump back on, season four was shot and was uploaded. So I got to watch the whole series. So I, you know, season four only had like seven episodes. So I just kind of was blowing through those things. So I missed a lot of games. I did watch the Seahawks Eagles game and oh my God, fucking Paul Verzi is so goddamn funny, man. Years ago, right? He said that he said that, you know, after three games, he said, Marc Sanchez was a star. All right?

And I said, Paul, it's been three fucking games. He's a rookie. You don't think he's going to have that four game, you know, four picks in a game, that pick six or whatever. He's a rookie, blah, blah, blah, blah, classic Paul Verzi. He sees a guy out of the gate playing well and then goes, this guy's going to be the greatest fucking ever, right? So anyways, so the guy, you know, he, it didn't work out for him. I'm not saying, and I'm not bad. He means saying that the guy is a bad quarterback. He is, he's not a bad fucking quarterback, but, but like, you know, I mean, people acting like, calling him Sanchez, like he was a franchise quarterback, right? So anyways, um, so yesterday he's cubing for the Eagles and he's having a, he's having a good game

and fucking Verzi writes, and he finally admitted that he was wrong about Sanchez. So now this Eagles game, he's playing good against Seattle and he says, he goes, dude, I may have been right about Sanchez dude can ball, maybe not a star, but good for sure. And it's just like, you see how he tries to worm out of it. He goes, I may have been right when, when you said the guy was a star, Sanchez and all that. And then he goes, maybe not a star, but good for sure. And it's just like, dude, that's not what you said. I never said Sanchez wasn't a, wasn't a good quarterback. So of course I went back. You're the worst. You said he was a star. All right. I don't want to fucking get involved in this. We,

we, me and Verzi went round and round because you know, I did this week and I actually test drove some fucking cars and I took out that Mercedes Benz station wagon AMG, the biggest fucking sleeper on the planet. Dude, this car was the shit. I'm going to upload some video, right? The car, like when you go to park the fucking car, the steering wheel moves itself like it has sensors all around the car. So you put it in reverse and it cuts the wheel automatically. And gets you to a certain point and you just control the pedals, the gas or the brake. And then you put it in drive and then it turns it the other way. You got to see this fucking, this fucking video. I went over there with a buddy of mine and test drove a couple of

fucking cars. Dude, this car was so fucking badass. I'm driving down the hill and there was this fucking smoke show, as they say on bar stool sports, walking this dog. And the last time I drove I drove by in a car and a woman locked eyes with me the entire fucking way before looking away in horror. I can't even remember. I think I was in my college years. I fucking came down in a fucking station wagon. She should be running the other way. This car was so fucking badass looking. She fucking locked eyes with me the whole, I couldn't believe it. It's like I went back in time. I took out one of those and then I took a different one that was like a four door coop. And dude, that's the fucking car. That is the car because that is like, it's a supercar and you

can put a bunch of people in it. Either you get the sedan or you get the station wagon. And Paul Verzi just kept, I kept telling Paul how fucking sick the car was. And he just kept going, it's just a station wagon. I just can't get by. I'm like, Paul, that's what makes it fucking cool. It's the fact that it is a station wagon and you'd think the person's a nerd and that they got their groceries and a bunch of pacifiers in there and then all of a sudden he fucking takes off from the line and his groceries and babies are flying out the back fucking window. That's what makes it fucking cool. I just can't, I can't get past that. It's a wagon. I mean, it's a fucking way. It's like Verzi, that's it right there. Okay. You got no style. Anybody can go out and like

a Porsche. Anybody can like a Corvette. Anybody can like a Ferrari. There's no thought process. You know, that's why I like watching shows like Gas Monkey Garage, right? Fast and loud, whatever the fuck is called. Gas Monkey Garage. Oh, I love watching that show. Now when they take a fucking car that's known to be fast, I like when they take a fucking, you know, two-door fucking sedan. Like that time they bought a KC's fucking 55 Ford and sold it to my Cuban. That fucking car was so goddamn cool. They did that. They did a 1950s Oldsmobile. Like, I don't know. To me that, that's, I don't know. Those other cars, right? The Ferraris and all that. That's like going on stage as a comedian and telling a dick joke.

It's a fucking layup. You know, people are going to laugh. You know, I got a lot of German blood meat and what I love about Germans is what's funny to me about them is they're really bad about getting along with other people. But you give those motherfuckers a station wagon and somehow that thing will go zero to 60 in 3.6 seconds. Dude, it's a fucking race car. You know, station wagons usually have that seat in the back where people face the other way. This car doesn't have that. That's how fast they're trying to get this thing to go because it's a weight issue. So they got that thing the fuck out of there. And that is the first time I ever drove a car. Both cars that I drove and they have a dual clutch. And I never thought I would say this, but it just

eliminates like back in the day, if you got a sports car and it was an automatic, you were the biggest fucking pussy. The whole car was ruined. You know what I mean? Like you bought a Corvette and it was an automatic. You're just a douchebag. Like why would you do that? The stick shift is so much faster. You can slow down by downshifting as you fucking dive into the goddamn turns, right? Scaring the shit out of your passengers, right? But now, I mean, I didn't even understand the whole concept of it until like a week ago. I started reading up on how that, I was talking about like a week ago, that whole dual clutch system. Basically, this is how fucking psychotic in a good way these guys out who designed these cars. And I guess a dual clutch system has been

around since the fucking early 80s. I just heard about it, which is not surprising because I'm a moron. But basically, you know, when you're driving a car, right? You're going down the street and you're hearing it going through the gears, that wham, wham, wham, right? That little part, you know, so you're going wham, you're in your seat, exam, you come off the seat, wham, you're back in off the seat, wham, you're coming off the seat because the clutch is basically disengaging with the engine. And the engine's still working like a motherfucker. But for that split second, when you push in the clutch and it's in neutral, the engine's working for nothing right now. That little sliver of that little split second, when you go to shift, you're losing that torque

from the engine. So the dual clutch system eliminates you coming off your seat by, it puts the odd gears on one side of the tranny and the even on the other. And I don't know how to fuck it switches off the way it does. But I was driving that car and I'm listening and going through the gears and I never came off my seat. And the guy says you can use the paddle shifters if you want, but you'll never be able to shift faster than the dual clutch. Dude, you just step on the gas and it's like, just fucking going through the gears. It's fun. It's, it's so completely unnecessary to have when you're driving down the street. It's so fucking unnecessary to have when you're just driving around civilians that you got to have one. Does that make any sense? I am

completely sold on those cars and I'm glad I went shopping around and all of that type of shit. So now I just got it. I got to save up to get one, which is why I'm touring all through Australia, New Zealand, into Asia before. Dude, I'm so fucking psyched for that tour. I am going to lay waste to that land down there. I am so chomping at the fucking bit to fucking do stand up right now. And I got all these goddamn ideas that I want to work out. Dude, I got to, I can't, I don't know how to tell this story without giving away the joke that I'm doing, but I'm going to tell you why Joe Rogan is the greatest fucking dude ever. I got this bit that I want to do and it adds like a physicality thing, like possibly even like a prat fault and a lot of stand up comics,

whatever, look at it like, oh, the prat fault, that's fucking hacky or whatever. I'm just looking at it like, wait a minute, that's, that's part of comedy, man. Like you got to learn how to do that shit. So I have this idea for a fucking joke that would possibly involve something like that. I'm just kind of playing with it. And Rogan's going like, dude, we're at the comedy store and he's going, dude, you could totally do that. He goes, come out of my house. I'll show you how to do it. I got the fucking, I got, you know, he's got like an octagon in his goddamn garage with all the mats and shit. He goes, I'll show you how to do it. And this fucking maniac loves comedy so much. She's such a good dude. We're backstage at the comedy store and he's doing these fucking roles

from a standing position onto the fucking floor. And I'm just, I'm fucking laughing going, this guy, like, who the fuck else would do that? Fucking from my, not even his own joke. He's showing me how to do it. Oh, he goes easy. You can just fucking do it like this. It looks like you fall, but you're kind of rolling into it. He did it so well. It's like, dude, you ought to do the fucking joke. But anyway, so in my next special, you see me flopping around on the fucking stage. Know that it's because Joe Rogan took the time to show me how to do that backstage at the comedy store. And by the way, Rogan is back at the comedy store, which is the greatest thing ever. They, you know, they had a little, a little riff there. And right, right as I moved to LA.

And I remember when I first lived in LA in the late nineties, one of the highlights is going down to the comedy store was seeing Rogan, you know, back in the day. So I last night I was down there and actually I was late. So I didn't get to say what's up to him, but I actually saw him on stage. That's the first time I saw him in the, the OR also called the original room since the late nineties. When I think I made a couple of trips in the 2000s to LA, but I just don't ever remember running into him. So he was doing fear factor. Anyways, what else? What else? Yeah. So I, I hoarded myself out this week, promoting my special. I did Conan O'Brien this week. And once again, I always have a good time on that show.

Thank you to Conan and Andy and all those guys for laughing when I say something funny and helping me out when it bombs. And I think that's, I think that's about all I got this week. Oh, the Bruins. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. We had a rough fucking road trip. I thought that was a rough one, you know, we lost a couple of close ones to the ducks in the Kings and them just got fucking hammered by the San Jose sharks. I don't know what the fuck. I mean, I actually went back and watched it, but I, uh, it was two to nothing when I left to go do some spots and I came back and I just saw it was like seven to four. We lost, we gave up seven fucking goals in two periods, but you know, you always, you have one of those every year. You have a regular season game where

it just gets away from you. Then we beat the coyotes a couple of nights later. So we went one and three on the road trip. So we're coming back. We got the Chicago Blackhawks. I'll tell you, it doesn't get any easier. We got the Blackhawks at home. I think the wild or something like that coming up. That's another thing I'm looking forward to over the break. I haven't skated since like September. Um, yeah, I gotta get back into all my fucking hobbies and all that shit. So anyways, let's, uh, in the, uh, I gotta read some questions here because I have another busy fucking day here. All right, wife and labor. Hey, Billy, black and white face. My wife and I watched a new special on Netflix last night and then at six AM this morning, her water broke. Coincidence?

Probably not. She did not want to watch it because she was having contraction, contractions and was in pain. And I don't think she laughed once. I cackled like a maniac while she glared at me for enjoying myself so much. I think the hour and 15 minutes of glaring caused her to go into labor two weeks early. Is that a thing? Thanks for the entertainment and go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ, dude. Your wife's in pain and you still sat there and watched it. Why didn't you fucking, uh, bring her back into the bedroom, give her a nice book and, uh, whatever, peanut butter, banana sandwich, whatever the hell she's craving. Um, I don't know. I hope you had a nice healthy baby boy or girl, whatever you had. And, um, I hope your wife hates you would not make.

But, um, for those of you who haven't seen my newest special, yes, we did. We shot it in, uh, with the latest cameras you can have when we shot it in black and white. I always wanted to do a special in black and white because I just think it looks fucking cool as shit. And, uh, and also I plan to do a bunch of specials and, uh, you know, each one to have like its own kind of unique look. You know, so just imagine I got, you know, some color ones and then boom, I got this black and white one. I shoot this other one this way or that way or whatever. Um, I don't love, I don't know. I don't like HD, the level of HD TV right now. It's so fucking clear. It doesn't look real. It's like, it looks like a tropical fish tank. Half of these shows you're sitting there watching a car

chase and you waste, you're like waiting for a clown fish to swim by the, uh, past the screen. I don't know. I'm not in it. I'm not into it. I'm an old man. Look at me. I'm releasing fucking vinyl records and black and white specials. I am regressing. All right. Last week's 24 year old version version virgin bill. I wanted to weigh in on the 24 year old virgin question with the female perspective. Oh, well, I love when the women write in. I always get it from the fellas. This one's from a lady. She said, this kid is potentially sitting on a golden ticket. If he plays it right, there are girls that get really turned on by the idea of fucking a virgin myself included. Is that true? Uh, she said myself included when I was still in

the game. It's sweet when you don't know what you're doing. Tina, I never would have known that cause as a guy, you feel like there's that pressure that you're supposed to lead and you're supposed to know what the fuck you're doing from the get go. Um, so anyways, she goes on to say, and sweet will get you laid. Oh, it's sweet when you don't know what you're doing and sweet will get you laid. Uh, we'll knock your fucking brains out because we take, cause we get to take charge and we want to give you a great time. I've been with guys who think they know what they are doing and it was far worse than fucking a virgin. A few words of advice. Don't act all greasy and pretend you know what's going on. What does greasy mean? Cool. Is this for the virgin? Yeah.

Just just saying fucking throw your cards on the table. Stand there with the fucking rock hard dick going, I don't know what to do with it. What's happening? Um, anyways, she said, that's not a fucking turn on when you act all greasy, pretend what you're doing and it will reflect poorly on your abilities. Also, don't get too fucking wasted. Yeah. A little liquid courage isn't a bad thing, but too much booze in your system will make you sloppy. If you pick a decent enough girl for your first fuck, she might tell her girlfriends, but your buddies will never know. Um, p s bill got to see you in Ottawa and you fucking killed it. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ. It's fucking right there. That's

the fucking blunt force trauma. Truth of it all. Um, I appreciate you being so goddamn honest. You know, is that the way women talk when we're not around? You guys sound like truckers too. Lodge much. All right. Adoption. And I'm not shitting on you either because I know I sound like a trucker. I don't sound like a trucker. All I do is just add the Southern accent because everybody knows every truck is from down south, right? Speaking of down south, everybody, um, I am going to be doing another fucking tour of the south, the dirty south, and we're going to get extra dirty this time. I'm telling you right now, I'm putting it together. All right, we're not going to be doing the main fucking ones that I've done in the past. Nashville, Atlanta,

fuck that. All right, fuck that all fucking day. All right, we're going to Talladega. We're going to Mobile, Alabama. We're going to go into Mississippi. I want to, I want to go into, I want to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I want to go to like fucking some of these off the beaten fucking path. Southern ones do a, do a bus tour. I'm going to, I'm putting the fucking team back together again, just like the Blues Brothers. All right, that's something else in 2015 that's going to happen. We're getting the fucking bus back. We're getting Steve, the bus driver. All right, Verzi, Lawhead, and the coach. And that's it. It's going to happen again. I'm actually right after I'm done with this fucking podcast. I'm

calling my agent. I'm going to pick a goddamn time. We're going to, we're going to put it together. I love the fucking self. I love it. All right. Adoption. Serber, just finish your new special. Amazing as always. Thank you very much. I very much liked your bit about adoption. And as someone who grew up in a family, oh, as someone who grew up in a family through adoption, it's my honest opinion that it's the best and most socially responsible thing someone can do. My sister, brother, and myself were adopted by folks, my folks after my dad made the choice back when he was a kid in the seventies and met an adopted schoolmate who had been through some shit in Korea and expressed his true gratitude for being able to live a completely new life. My mom has made it clear

that they could have had their own and it wasn't a question of possibility, pain, or timing. Uh, my dad just always felt the need to do it. I don't know where I'd be without people like my parents and adoption should really be how our new generation in privileged countries like Arone acquire their children. Though I understand acquiring children sounds like the to-do list for an African dictator. Either way, thanks for the thousands of laughs. I hope you and me find tremendous joy in whatever you decide to do. Any kid would be fortunate for you guys to have. Oh, any kid would be fortunate to have you guys as a mom or dad. Ah, what a fucking great guy. I gotta be honest with you, dude, with the fucking world population problem the way it is,

you know what I mean? And then all the kids out there that, for whatever reason, you know, I can't imagine over in Iraq how many kids don't have fucking moms or dads at this point through that fucking shit show over the last 10 years. Anytime a war just fucking pulls everybody apart. And over here, you know, well, I don't know if they allow, do they allow husbands and wives in the United States military to both go over there? I wouldn't think so. They seem to not do that after that. I think after they had that one, uh, that ship that went down a World War II when there was like five brothers from the same family were all on the same ship. And the thing got torpedoed and some poor parents lost all five of their kids. Man, fucking brutal. I think the US military does

try to avoid that. So, um, no, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I should probably do it. I'm fucking 46, right? Then I talk about that in my act. I need to head, I need to fucking get like a 10 year old. So I'll still be alive when it graduates college. Um, no, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think it's a great thing to do. And also, you know, not only is it great for the kid, it is great for, I hate using the word society, mankind in general, because if you don't have any sort of parental guidance and you're growing up in some sort of foster home, you know, it's just like, you're just going to grow up, you know, with a bunch of other fucked up kids and you just end up doing what they're doing, uh, when the person could actually,

you know, if you have parental guidance, you go to school, you got a good job, you mean that, you know, you mean a nice lady or whatever, you get fucking married or what do you, you chill. If you're all fucking angry from your child and all that God knows what you go out and go do, right? Um, yes, you know what, you reconvince me. All right, underrated, doing dishes at spouses family, at spouses family event is underrated. All right. I was at my sister-in-law's graduation party and decided to help clean up by doing the dishes. I was able to skip out on boring, in-law conversations while picking up some credit by offering to do the dishes. On top of it all, I was able to catch the Patriots Packers game on the kitchen TV while everyone else was having,

was having to make small talk. Dude, that's fucking genius. I hate small talk. I can't stand going to those fucking parties. Dude, I'm going to steal that. Whoever, man or woman, whoever wrote this in, hermafordite. I don't know who the fuck you are. God bless you. I got a nice crowd. Uh, I got a nice crowd going in the kitchen and most of the men at the event wanted to see the game. We were rooting for the Patriots to win so the Lions would have the NFC North. Next time you get a chance, volunteer to do some easy cleanup, non-stop thanks and an easy out from boring conversations. Wow, man. I got to tell you, that might be the best one in a while. That's, that's goddamn genius. A musical mutt, a dancing dog. Um,

so anyways, what do we got here, man? Look at this. 53 fucking minutes in, 53 minutes in and I'm out of shit to talk about. I'm a little talked out people. I apologize. You know, pouring myself out, hyping this fucking special and doing the radio, the radio goddamn tour. Let's, you know, this is what I'm going to do. I'm just going to select some right now from my email account. Where are we? Where are we? Here we go. Click here. And then I click here, signing into my account. Isn't this exciting? I have no idea what these questions are going to be. Advice been out of the game. It's changed. All right. What do we see? Oh my God, this fucking email is long. Oh fuck. All right. Hey, Billy badass. I got a situation here and I can't make heads

of tails of where I'm at with this girl. A modern day Casanova, such as yourself, should be able to figure out how to read this girl, read this girl and it advised me as the next, as of the next step to take if there is one. So here's my problem. Your problem is fucking spelling and punctuation so far, my friend. So here's my problem. I'm 24 years old and was in a relationship with a girl for five years from the ages of 14 to 19. When it ended, it was drawn out and she strung me along until she was comfortable enough with her next guy to cut it off for good. Yeah, that's what you're doing. You're young. I wouldn't take it personal. She's only fucking 19. She doesn't know how to get out of relationships. You know,

you guys start dating at 14. Anyways, well, she goes, well, I live in a small town and the guy she went to was a little sissy girl Jean wearing pissant. Oh, easy, easy, easy. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. I'm not, I'm like, dude, you sound like a fucking bully. I know. All right, you know what? You're mad at him. All right, I'm going to give you Jesus Christ, dude. Thank God I pulled up on that one. I would have to make an apology. They can't take an ass whooping without calling the cops. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I'm giving her advice. Let's just read this to hear how fucked up this guy is. By the way, big reason why I country is our country. The reason why I country is going to hell in a hand

basket is because the guy's like this. I get because they can't take an ass kicking without calling the cops. All right, this guy's old school. Nobody is getting their ass beat anymore because of cop calling. Oh, Jesus, which assault is practically a prison sentence right away. I digress. Dude, you're a fucking mouth breathing moron. Good Lord. I'm actually happy that she's fucking away from you. See, this is why we try to screen these goddamn things. All right, where are we? Where are we? Come on. Somebody asked for men's room, studio tour, etc. All right, let's see what this one is. Hi, Bill. Let's hope this one doesn't have homophobic shit all over it. All right. Hi, Bill. I heard your podcast yesterday. I was dying

laughing when you talked about the men's rooms and all the smelly shenanigans that happen in there. I'm a woman who's never been in a men's public restroom. So that was a shockingly funny revelation. My husband never tells me it's disgusting in there. Perhaps he's used to it. Oh, I mean, it's a public restroom. By the way, I've been in plenty of ladies rooms. I shouldn't say plenty. I don't mean to say it that way. I've been in there because I used to be a busboy at a restaurant and in the morning I came in and I had to clean up both bathrooms. And I was not surprised at how filthy the men's room was, but the fucking ladies room. First of all, there's fucking toilet paper all over the place. I don't know what's going on

in there. I think because they have to sit down to pee, they just build a nest. I have no idea. And I'll spare you the fucking details. All right, but it looks like, you know, just imagine a ticker tape parade combined with bodily fluids. That's disgusting. I'm sorry, but that's what it looked like. He goes, on the other hand, the woman's restrooms are quite the opposite. God forbid you make a sound in there. It's like an unspoken rule that women can't fart loudly in stalls. If you ask me, this is so unfair that we ladies have to hold it in. Well, you guys are doing it to yourself. That's the ladies room. Please don't blame the guys for that one. Well, you know, in society, it's not acceptable for us to fart in public. If a guy does it,

it's funny. Oh, fucking grow a dick. Stop playing the goddamn victim. All right, let one rip and have your dress fly up like Marilyn Monroe. I don't give a fuck. Anyways, I had the privilege to use the woman's restroom in a South Korea airport, and each stall had a device that lets you play classical music or nature sounds to mask the posterior trumpet blasting that's about to shoot out of my dainty butt. It was the best bathroom trip of my life. Anywho, I don't know if you got my email months before. My offer still stands. You're welcome. Oh, to stop by our animation studio. Jesus Christ, I was getting nervous there. Oh, all right. All right. Okay, cool. All right.

Where do we go here? Where do we go? Do I dare to read? I'm sorry you feel that way. Feedback. I got one more minute to do here. Loved every minute of it, man. Like the black and white. Absolutely awesome special. Keep them coming, please. Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. I can't even tell you guys how psyched I am that you guys like this, this special. And for those of you who are wondering why we shot it the way we do is because I love stand up comedy and I just feel like it should be shot like a movie. You know what I mean? Like stand up comedy has this weird sort of thing where it has this a ton of respect where people are like, dude, I don't know how you get up there. I could

never do that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yet it's also looked at like you're the guy with the lampshade on your head. And I'll never forget when I did a half hour for Comedy Central. I know I've told this story before and they did the promos for it and they basically shot you sitting on a stool sort of making weird faces that the camera, at least is what they were asking you to do, asking you to do. And they just played this trumpet like the promo. It's like, you know, Bill Burr is half hour special. And then they just had me sitting there like shrugging my shoulders like, this is my half hour special. And this trumpet was playing in the background. I went swear to God. I remember I watched it on I was sitting at home. This is my first half hour

special. I was all excited. And that fucking muted trumpet came it sounded like it was heckling me. Like that's the soundtrack to what the fuck I just did. You know what I just, I just, I don't, I don't fucking know. But that's the greatest thing about this age of specials is that comedians have so much control that you can actually shoot the fucking thing the way you want to which we did. And that is all that is the podcast for this week, everybody. I know I only did an hour this week. I just let me get through this next fucking acting gig and then I'll be back flapping my fucking gums again next week. Come back a little stronger. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Oh, I didn't even bring

it up. The Patriots beat the fucking charges. Looked to be a great game. I was actually punching up this fucking script. So I've yet to watch the game. And I did see that play that, you know, we intercepted it and brought it back. And there was that great hit. And, you know, those guys, they got to just because someone gets fucking laid out now doesn't mean it was like helmet to helmet. That was like a great hit. But I actually, I do like, you know, as much as everybody's saying that the NFL, oh, it's, you know, they're turning it to this pussy league. I like that there is an helmet to helmet hits. I like that they're trying to get that out of the game because I've got to be honest with you, you know, if you're younger, I can see why you don't like it because

you haven't seen any of the guys that you liked when you were a kid be 50, 60 years old and, you know, dealing with the effects of it. Like, you know, the latest one, the latest ones that shocked me was Tony Dorsett, the great Tony Dorsett watching him struggle with like, you know, anger issues and all that type of thing due to the hits he took in his career. I like that they have a lead with the shoulder. And even then, I mean, you still, your head can snap back. It's always going to be a violent game. But I think it's great that they are getting it out of there because it's still a fucking awesome game. I don't think that guys have to be like suffering the way these players are suffering for it to still be a great

game. So I don't have a problem with it. Having said all that, that was a bullshit call. That was a fucking hell of a play and a touchdown. And I was nervous about that game because I respect the Chargers and fucking Phillip Rivers. So anyways, I don't know what to tell you. Patriots are 10 and three tied with the Broncos. Thank God we beat them. So we are, you know, provider. We went, we win the rest of the way out of the Broncos lose one. We will have home field advantage once again. And we're looking good, but I don't know, man. I still think the Broncos would be tough to beat them twice. It'd be tough to beat the Colts twice. It'd be tough to beat the Chargers twice. It just is. I don't by any means think that it would be, you know,

all these Pats fans like, dude, we're going to the ball dode. I don't by any means think it would be a cakewalk, but obviously home field advantage will be a huge thing. So I just figured I'd end the podcast by saying a bunch of obvious shit. I hope you enjoyed this week's podcast. Thanks once again to everybody who's watching my special. And if you haven't watched it yet, if you could carve out some time to watch it, it really helps me because, you know, Netflix is a ratings thing just like any other network. So if you've already seen it, thank you so much. Please tell your friends if you haven't seen it yet and you get a chance. I know you're busy. I really appreciate you be helping me out. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck

yourselves and I will talk to you next Monday. See you.