Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-12

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

Bill rambles about proper murder in war, traveling in Europe and chocolate covered berries.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December 9th, 2013. How are you doing? How are you? How's your weekend? How's your Christmas shopping? Oh my god, there's so many people to buy for. There's not enough time. What am I going to do? You know what you're going to do? Just bake them a fucking cake. Alright? You walk right up and you mush it right in their fucking cunt. Happy holidays. Fuck all of you. You know, that's the only reason why you like me. You're going to judge me on my goddamn gifts? Well, I got a gift for you. It's right there. You got frosting in your pubes. Alright? Who else does that for you? Nobody.

And now you know. Now you know who really cares about you. Um, sorry. I'm in a grumpy fucking mood. I'm having a great time over here. Still in Europe. I'm in the Emerald Isle. Ireland. I'm in Dublin, Ireland tonight. I just landed this morning. I already called the Open Anthony guys to announce the second annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. All the proceeds goes to his wonderful family, his loving family, and we're also going to give some money for victims of strokes. It's just a great, great benefit that we're doing again this year because so many people wanted to come last year. We only did one show, so people still want to come out and also a bunch of other comics. We're like, what the fuck, Bill? How come you didn't ask me to be on it?

And I was like, well, listen, you know, I tried. I did my goddamn best. Alright, so we're doing it again this year and I'm just going to keep fucking doing it, hopefully as long as we can. Because that's what Patrice was doing. He was taking care of his family, so we're his friends and we're stepping up. And goddamn it, why don't you just help us step up by buying a fucking ticket? Well, we will, Bill. But first, why don't you tell us about all the wonderful talent that's on the show? Well, goddamn it, I'm going to. Alright, we have the wonderful Jimmy Norton, Nick DePaolo, David Tell, Colin Quinn, Dane Cook, Talent, myself, Rich Voss, Bonnie McFarlane, Keith Robinson, Robert Kelly, Big J, Orgerson, and Harris Stanton. Okay, you think there's a better show out there? Well, then goddamn it, you go to it.

Well, come on down Tuesday, February 18th, 2014. Tickets are on sale right now. We'll have the link if you follow me on Twitter. I got that up there already and it's for a wonderful, wonderful cause and it's becoming this great thing now where we're just going to be celebrating just our great friend and how funny he was and his unbelievable work and it's now also becoming kind of like a reunion thing. It's really become a great thing. So we'd love you to come down and share the experience with us while raising money for a wonderful cause. There you go. And some of you have bitched to me going like, dude, why is it on a fucking Tuesday? You know, I got school the next day. I understand that. I apologize. But, you know, if you want a great lineup of comedians, you know, to do a benefit, Tuesday is the night when the most guys are in town. Most people have gigs on Saturday nights and that type of shit. So most people are out of town. So Tuesday night is the night I picked because, you know, as much as you want to go to this thing, stand up comics want to be on the show because we all love the guy.

So that's why it's Tuesday night. I know it's a bit of a pain in the ass, but hey, it's a goddamn charity. You're going to bitch about charity. All the comics are working for free. Okay, so go fuck yourself one person who complained about that, but it annoyed me so much that I felt like I needed to address it. All right, there we are. Now onto the podcast. Oh my God, the place is that bad and the things I say. I can't remember if I if I just did this on open Anthony, but even if I told you about it last week, I need to warn you guys. I went and I saw the Sistine Chapel and it is the Sistine Chapel. I thought it was the 16 as in one six. And I was sitting there with the lovely Mia as we were standing in fucking line. That wasn't even that bad, that bad because it was the wintertime. And basically this is the deal when you go into the the Vatican, I guess the the ass end of the Vatican.

Okay, and I'm going to I'm going to really sidestep the easy joke there. Okay. With all due respect to all the victims. When you go into the anus of the Vatican, you have two options when you go into the Sistine Sistine Chapel, either go left, you go right. Okay, if you're wired like me, go to the right, you'll go right into the Sistine Chapel. All right. But if you're an unlucky dumb cunt like myself, you go right, left, right, fuck it, I'm going left and I went left. And you go through the whole Vatican Museum. And within there, they have every vestment, every fucking spatula, every light bulb, every fucking priest ever used. And you're walking through it and it just keeps saying Sistine Chapel, Sistine, even though I still thought it was 16 because I'm a fucking idiot.

Right. So, in every other room, the ceiling is painted. So you walk in, you're like, is this it? Is this, is this the Sistine? No, no, keep going, keep going. Basically, by the time you get through all this shit, you don't even care anymore. And then you walk in there, and it's ridiculously small. It's not nearly as big as they make it look on TV. You know, they make it look like it's, you know, would like take up the whole ceiling of your living room, just that one picture of God sort of gingerly touching the other guy's finger. It isn't. It's just this little fucking thing that you could cut out of the ceiling and put under your arm, bring it to all your friend's house one weekend.

Is that from the 16 Chapel, dude? Yeah, it is. So, you know what's worse is once you get in there and then you're looking and you start going, my God, it's not even that big of a thing, you know, what the fuck. All the guards who are standing there just sit there shushing people. The whole time you're in there, and that's when the standup comic in me slash control free kicks in, you're like, all right, you know what, fuck you, fuck this stupid picture, and your silly outfits from 300 fucking years ago. All right, you got every goddamn thing in this museum. You got every fucking shoe, every gold plated whatever you got everything about the Catholic Church in here, except for the rape, murder, and the fucking pedophilia. I didn't have the balls to say that because they're their own country.

They're a sovereign state, as they say, so as much as I wanted to say that aside from who's can do I didn't have the balls to say that or the wherewithal to think of that in that moment when I was being shushed. I didn't know what happens like what happens if you say something like that when you're on the Vatican grounds. Do they just kick you back into Italy? You know what I mean? Or do they take you down into some dungeon and basically treat you like they treated a lot of little boys. I couldn't resist. Sorry. Great. No bunch of fucking Jesus freaks. Now, if you're a Jesus freak and you still listen to this, you're an asshole. All right. You're an asshole. You know what? You know what I think. Anyway, so let's plow ahead. So, so I mentioned, I said 16 Chapel Tania. What did I say to I said, you know what this fucking line is so long already. Forget about in the summertime.

So, you know, we should do, we should open a bar across the street and I go, we should call it the 17 Chapel. You know, and she's looking at me like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you know, 16 Chapel in the cross street, 17 Chapel, you know, you get fucked up because your feet are swollen from standing in the line for so goddamn long. She just sort of cocked her head. She's like, Bill, you realize it's a 16 Chapel. And I just smiled at her and then she just started laughing at me, just realizing what a fucking idiot that she's decided to spend her life with. And I'd love to tell you guys that that was just a joke, that that's just a silly fucking anecdote. It isn't. It's 100% fucking true. I kind of knew it was 16, but it just became 16 in my head. I have that same disease my dad has where for John Elway's entire career, he called him John Onway.

And you'd be like, dad, Elway, Elway, you'd be like, what is it, Onway? Anyways, this John Onway, I'm telling you this guy, he can run, he can pass dad, it's Elway. Let me finish. Let me finish this guy. You know, so I think I inherited that from him. I don't know if I don't hear well, or I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts as Nia would suggest. But either way, somewhere along the line, it became the 16 Chapel to me. That doesn't even make sense to be the 16th. Every time I think I've hit like the bedrock of my stupidity, right? Something else comes along. Anyways, but since then, I have left Italy. Sadly, I left Italy. The food was fucking unreal.

And you don't kill me though. Sorry about moving this around here. Oh, is that my shirt making all that fucking noise? I thought that was just in my ear. God damn it. How about now? Is that better? Now you can move around. There we go. I'm literally laying here with a fucking pad of paper under my recorder. This is so stupid. I don't know. I'm not funny sitting down. I gotta be laying down or standing up. I'm not walking around for an hour and a half in a fucking hotel room. I can't believe all of that had that scratch underneath it. I thought it was in the headphones. I thought there was a bug in there like in Star Trek when they crawled into that guy's fucking ear. Remember they dropped those little maggots in there? That was terrifying.

Anyways, plowing ahead. So I leave Italy and I fly up to... I'm on my way to Glasgow so I have to connect in Amsterdam. And as you fly up, I saw the entire west coast of Italy. It was insane. And I just watched that World War II documentary and I was thinking of all that stuff. You know, the soft underbelly of the Nazi Europe when they came in here. And rather than going in at this one part, they came in the southern part and they had to fight through the fucking mountains. And that's all I'm thinking. And you look down from the air, so much of it. It's really impressive. Even though I'm sure there's a zillion people over there, how much of it is still those green fields. So when you look down, it looks like World War II footage, except now it's in full color.

Like I half expected us to start dive bombing and strafing some poor bastard trying to run into the fucking tree line. And you fly over the Swiss Alps and then right on up and it was just fucking incredible. I have a goddamn face pressed up against the glass like some eight-year-old on his first trip. I really have a geek for this travel stuff, man. It's awesome. So landed in Amsterdam, get all the way up to Glasgow, connected, no fucking problems, no nothing. And people in Scotland, they're cool as hell. You show up, the fucking lady checking me in was going to my show that night. Well, there was a guy checking me in, but the other lady who was working there, you know, most countries you go into,

they're looking at you like you're a fucking terrorist, you know, even though you look like Ron Howard. They always go, where are you staying? I don't fucking know. What are you going to call me? Where am I staying in a fucking hotel? How long are you here? I'm here for a day. Oh, really? What are you only here for a day for? Oh, because I'm going to blow the whole fucking place out. What do you think? What do you think I'm here for? Can't you see the sad clown in front of you? What do you think I'm doing here? I'm just as pasty as you, you dumb fuck. Let me in your country, right? They're not like that. They're not like that at all up in Scotland. They don't give a fuck.

They're like, oh, that's that freckled cut I'm going to see today at the fucking, the shit shack down the street. So anyways, went down. Did the did the show work with this hilarious guy? Gary Little opened up for me. The guy was a fucking riot. Great guy. And afterwards I hung out with him and Kevin Bridges had a bunch of fucking, you know, drank whiskey, Scotch, whatever the fuck we were drinking, just had a great night talking comedy and all that type of thing. So I want to thank everyone who came out to that show. It was just great, man. It was amazing. Like, seriously, when I was on stage in like Scotland, I didn't, I didn't feel like I was outside of the United States. Except a couple of times I said a couple of dumb things, but, you know, I thought they would get whatever,

making fucking baseball references. Stupid, right? So that one went great. Next day kind of had a little bit of a delayed flight flew down to Amsterdam. That one was awesome. Had a bunch of people came in from Germany and Belgium telling me I should do shows there. So maybe I'll add those the next time. It was just awesome. And actually spent an extra day in Amsterdam. And I was trying to be mature enough to not go down. Sorry, I got to move this fucking thing. I was trying to be mature enough not to go down to the Red Lake District. You know, right across the street where I was staying from was the Vincent Van Gogh Museum. So I'm like, all right, I'm going to give another museum another chance.

Because I get anxiety when I go into museums because I go in there and it's all this smart shit in there. And I could give a fuck after the first exhibit. Like I literally just want to run through the place and get out of there. But I went to the Vincent Van Gogh one and I absolutely loved it. I loved it. And for the first time, I think I actually appreciated art. And I hate to say this. I think half of the reason was I went by myself. There was nobody else there. So I didn't have to, I'm always like 20 miles ahead of anybody who I go to a museum with. You know, those fucking people you go to a museum with and they actually get the fucking, the headphones and the recorder.

And they just go from exhibit to fucking exhibit. They got to watch every goddamn film. And I don't, I should respect people like that, but I don't. I hate them. So anyways, I went to the Vincent Van Gogh Museum. It's insane. They just have his paintings hanging on the fucking wall. Did that just sound dumb? I don't know. It was always a zillion miles away to me, right? So I'm looking at them and as amazing as they were, I was still in and out of there in 35 minutes. And that includes going to the gift shop.

I walked in and the first thing I saw was he drew a picture of like, he was taking this art class and he had to draw like a picture of like the skeleton or something like that, a painting. Draw a picture. Paint the fucking human skeleton. So he painted it and in the end he put a cigarette in its mouth as like a fuck you to his teacher. So immediately I like this guy. I like this guy. He's not some goody two shoes, right? You forget to say in his homework. He's not that guy, right? He's the guy who's going to have the fake ID and go get you some booze in the fucking late 1880s. So I looked at all of his shit and I really liked it. There you go. That's as deep as I can say. I didn't really like his chalk period.

He's painting with chalk or whatever. The black and white shit I wasn't into, but the thick paint with the lines, I was into that. It was great. The further you step back, the more it looked like what the fuck he was painting. Then when you got up close, it looked like a bunch of lines. How do you do that? You know, he can't stand 40 yards away with a long paintbrush. They didn't have that technology back in the 1880s. They didn't. Don't even tell me they did. You know, they looked closely at his paint. He had a bunch of sand and leaves in it. The guy was out of his mind. The only thing I don't like is he cut his ear off. I don't like that part. You know, it's a dumb thing to cut your ear off for.

Although some people would say love is the most important thing in life, but you know what? It's not worth turning yourself into Marvin Nash. You like Mr. Blonde and Marvin Nash all at the same time. Jesus Christ, it's fucking horrific. All right, 17 minutes in. Let's do a little bit of advertising here. All right. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. You know, I got a decent review on a show I did over here in Europe, and someone was trying to say that I pretend to be stupid. And I just started laughing. I was like, if that person ever heard me try to read out loud, they would really retract that statement. I'm not saying I'm a moron, but you know, come on, 16 shovel.

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How the fuck did that take three minutes? Alright, back to the podcast here. What else did I want to talk about? Oh, when I was over in England, I really saw this crazy story. When I went to London, yeah. They had a Marine over there, a guy named Alexander Blackman, and he just got jailed for life for murder of an Afghani insurgent. It's unreal. Basically what happened was, I guess they shot this insurgent guy and this guy Alexander Blackman walked up to him. Let me get the quote here. What exactly did he say? Oh, he just walked up to the insurgent as the guy was laying there, I guess, wounded.

And he shot him in the chest and said, shuffle off this mortal coil. Sorry, shuffle off this mortal coil, you cunt. It's nothing you wouldn't do to us. And for some reason, the fucking jerk off behind him had a camera in his helmet and they filmed it. Now, Britain has to act like they don't care that he did that. Now they have to act like they give a shit and that that's conduct unbecoming of a good fucking soldier. If anybody can find a four second moment in any war in history where that doesn't happen, you know, they're talking about all on the other side when they catch these guys. When they catch our guys, they skin them alive and cut their fucking heads off. So as far as I'm concerned, that guy got off easy. Fuck him. Am I the only guy that's saving Private Ryan? What happened when they let that guy go? He came right back and started killing their guys.

You sent him over there to kill the other guys. And evidently, he didn't do it in the proper fucking way. He saved the British people money. You don't have to feed that guy porridge anymore. Right? It's war. You train these guys to murder people. He goes out. He does his fucking job. He murders this guy. And now what? Now you got to act like you're outraged because it was filmed. That guy got fucked over. He got fucked over the same way the 49ers did when they played the Saints. Look, I am not pro-war. I'm not. But I'm also not a fucking moron. You can't train people to do some shit like that and stick them in those hellacious fucking environments where there really are no fucking rules, regardless of whatever convention, Geneva convention or whatever bullshit that you signed.

Give me a fucking break. All right? I don't think what that guy did was... I don't even think within the context of war. I mean, morally, is it right or wrong? Morally, war isn't right. I don't understand. If he's actually was pinned down and he fucking shot that guy in the head, they give him metal. I don't know. That whole thing is fucking stupid. So the guy has to do at least 10 years. And personally speaking, I hope they send them to... I was saying this on Opie and Anthony this morning. I hope they send that guy to the Goodfellas jail. You know? Don't put too many onions in the sauce. All right? Okay. Now we can eat. All right. You know what would be great if everybody around the world just quit every army.

That would be perfect. And then you just let these fucking nerds with their ties, right? And their beards and shit. Just let them have it out, right? There's a fucking hacky thought. Am I writing the lyrics to a hippie song? All the leaves are brown. Sorry. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God, this fucking tour. This tour is going to be the death of me, man. I swear to God. No, it isn't. I'm going to tough my way through it because I just read the fucking new Bobby Orr book. Highly recommend it. Highly recommend it.

I'm thinking of everything he said in that book and it's keeping me going. I'm just focusing on tonight's game here in Dublin. I'm not thinking about how I have to fucking connect in AFREL one more fucking time all the way over to goddamn Helsinki. I'm not thinking about that shit. That fucking flight might as well be 20 years in the future. That's bullshit. I wish I could. I wish I believed in that. Anyways, what else? Well, I guess I just brought up NFL football. I did not watch a second of it yesterday. I'm on the other side of the planet and I don't know what I was doing. I was trying not to get sick, I guess. I've been eating like shit. And although I did get some, I got some friendly emails from some Cleveland Brown fans notifying me that the Patriots won.

Here's one. Hey, you red-haired fuck. Haven't you guys exhausted the red-haired angle? There's so many other things about me that are stupid looking that you could make fun of, you know? Jesus Christ, enough with the fuck. I get it. Hey there, red balls. I'm only fucking times. You know, I got a gigantic forehead, you know? I'm not going to help you guys out. You figure it out. You're one-trick ponies. All right. Hey, you red-haired fuck. I hope you're proud of the Patriots win. Nothing like cheating all day to get what you want. Tom Brady's a sissy piece of shit.

Oh, God. I don't understand how people watch NFL football every week and they don't see what's going on. And they start blaming the other team. You know, didn't you see when the Patriots played the fucking... Who the hell did we play there? The end of the game. I can't even remember. We played that fucking game in the end of the game. They didn't call the interference. I mean, how is everybody? Oh, the fucking league loves Tom Brady. Fucking, these patient interference calls are fucking bullshit. It's happening to everybody. All right, you stupid fuck, Browns fan.

Did you notice that the NFL settled out of court? Did you notice that? That they settled out of fucking court. To those fucking, those hits. Do you understand that? Do you understand that they're all about making money? Okay. If Drew Brees is out, if Tom Brady is out, if Peyton Manning is out, they lose fucking money. So they are ridiculously protecting all of those quarterbacks. And like in all sports, the stars will get even more calls. All right, you dumb brown cunt.

Okay, and as far as the past interference calls, if you're mad at that, don't get mad at the Patriots. Get mad at Jim Ursay and Peyton Manning, who bitch-moaned and complained, and fucking Ursay spearheaded, changing the rules of coverage. You combine that with the fact that the NFL has hit their saturation point where there's no more sports fans left to watch the NFL. And now they have to get people the casual fan, the person who doesn't give a fuck, okay? If you don't give a fuck about the sports, the sport that is on in the background, the way to get people's heads to turn is scoring. So everything is about scoring now, okay? That past interference call, when I was growing up, was called coverage. That was great coverage two years ago, or a year ago.

Maybe two and a half years ago, that was great coverage. Now that's considered past interference. It's absolutely fucking ridiculous. It's a travesty, I've said every week on this fucking podcast, that it used to be the hardest thing to do in professional sports in America anyways, is to hit the curveball. Now it is trying to cover a fucking receiver, all right? You can't hit him anymore, you can't touch him, you can basically run next to him, but I think you have to hold your breath because you're not even allowed to breathe on with this fucking point. And now they got this thing, you know, you can't know helmet to helmet, so now they hit low. And now guys like Gronkowski just got his knee blown out because the other guy on Cleveland, like two years ago, that would have been a dirty hit.

Why did he hit him so low? Now, because of that settled out of suit thing, you can't, you know, helmet to helmet, settle on a court thing, I can't even fucking talk, I'm so jet lagged. They got to go low. And all you fucking cunts on the internet who's sitting there saying that Gronkowski's made out of glass, that's just so, really? You could take a defensive back, going full speed into the side of your knee, you could handle that? You fat fucking cunts, I'm glad your dreams didn't come true. How do you like that? That's right.

I came with no gloves. No gloves on. Go fuck yourselves. I can't even speak this fucking week. What else did I see? Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend, an awesome fucking comedian, Joe Bartnick asked me if I saw the Bruins-Penguins game, so I actually watched some of the highlights of that. And, you know, that was very out of the, out of character by Sean Thornton. I obviously don't condone that.

I don't think he does either. I don't know why he did that. You know, I know Marchand just got hit. Marchand, however the fuck he's supposed to say it now. But yeah, I don't condone that either. Although I did find it funny, all the Penguins fans, not Joe, but the other ones, talking about dirty hits, you know, as they look the other way with the absolute fucking, just some of the filthiest fucking people ever have played for the Penguins. And they just look the other way. You know, Matt Cook, Ulf Samuelson, all of those guys, the amount of fucking careers those cunts ended.

And none of the Penguins fans had any problem with it. They got Ulf Samuelson in their ring of honor. Now they're gonna bitch about Sean Thornton, you know, the fuck. But having said that, I don't condone whether it happens to my team or my team's doing it. That's dirty play, you know, and he should be punished. But I mean, that's the only time I've ever seen him do something like that. Now, if he does it again, then he's a dirty piece of shit, which I know he's not gonna. All right.

All right. With that, what else can I talk about? What should I do here? Overseas sports? I went to a premier game, premier football league game yesterday. I went to Arsenal. First Everton, and I guess Arsenal was heavily favored. And it was an incredible experience.

It really was. The, I guess the club itself, I guess you would call it. I don't like naming names on the podcast, but they hooked me up with tickets through the promoter. And we sat basically in the best seats in the house, like the club seats, the leather seats. They gave me a little blankie for when I went out there in case I got cold. I took a picture of it with the hashtag cozy smug cunt. And I went out there and it was, it was great. Listen to everybody singing the songs and shit.

But if I lived in England, I would definitely pick a team. And I would go to the pub and learn all the songs and then I would go sit in the upper deck. Because who wouldn't want to get shit faced standing up the whole game singing songs. It looked great. So anyways, it was zero zero or nil nil. The exact fucking reason why Americans do not watch soccer or football, whatever the fuck you want to call it. And then finally, but it was still beautiful fucking game to watch. It really is.

It's a lot like hockey, to be honest with you, except it's, you know, it's on grass. Long story short, Arsenal finally fucking scores. And the whole stadium breaks into this song about Arsenal. I don't know. I don't know. It is back in the day. They used to always win one to nothing. They go, they score one goal and then like a bunch of cunts, they just would all go back on defense and you couldn't score on him.

As the whole crowd would sing this song, you know, one, nothing, Arsenal and you, you know, you're going to fucking lose and all this shit. So anyways, so they go up one nothing with like two minutes left and they all start singing the song, the whole fucking stadium. Except for this one little corner that was for Everton. And they get there into the second verse, the whole place is singing. They got their scarves out, holding up, going nuts, big glowing fish and chips, looks on their faces, having a hell of a fucking time. And when they're in the middle of the second verse, Everton scored. Oh, did it take the wind out of their fucking sales? They went to the Everton people are going fucking insane.

Somebody lit off like a little smoke bomb that had this blue smoke that was the cover of Everton, I guess you're not supposed to do it. The cops all came running over. And I don't know, they just told them to knock it off. In America, they would drag like two rows out beaten in with clubs. But and then all the blue smoke just kind of went all over this one part of the stadium. And that's how it ended one to one. And I had a great fucking time and I highly suggest it. If you highly recommend it, if you come over to England, you definitely got to go.

You got to go to one of those one of those games, Premier League games. It was fucking tremendous. And I plan on going to many more and hopefully in the future. But this is something that I found out that was interesting was all the maniacs go to the soccer games and the rich cunts go to rugby. Who would have thought, right? Or the posh cunts as they call them go to rugby, I guess in England, that makes no sense to me. Who would think that rugby would be like? Is it like an elitist sport?

I was even talking to the cab driver this morning was I'm going in Ireland. He was going, yeah, a lot of people, they go on to become doctors and something like that. It's like those guys do. I don't fucking know. Is this even remotely fucking entertaining? I have no idea. I've been on a plane every fucking day for the last four days, so I don't know. What else?

How far into this podcast are we? Is it time for the, yeah, we got not yet, not yet. Oh, Jesus Christ. Robinson, no. Robinson Cano got traded. He traded. He signed with the Seattle fucking Mariners for more money. Why would you do that?

Why would you go for playing second base with the New York Yankees? He's going to get $190 million. No, $240 million. I'm going to go play for the Seattle fucking Mariners. And what the fuck are the Seattle Mariners thinking? Giving up all that goddamn money. Didn't they learn anything from the Texas Rangers? Giving a $200 million contract to a fucking shortstop.

You're going to give a $240 million contract to a second baseman. You know, I didn't rub it in with Paul Verzi. I know he's fucking devastated. He was trying to say, I'm not mad at him. You know, he's got to take the money. It's a difference of $50 million. I get it. I get it.

Maybe you get it. That is a total slap in the face of the New York Yankees. That's not supposed to happen to the Yankees. You know, I don't know. Go to the Yankees to fuck him. Don't pay him all that fucking $190 million and he leaves. Go ahead, leave. Go out to Seattle.

Have a good time losing Robbie. Yeah, I don't think he's going to do shit out there. Although Seattle's talking a bunch of shit. You know, they say, well, we're not done yet. We're going to overpay for even more people. See what the Yankees created and then the Red Sox supported. Oh, by the way, big congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks fans for once again screaming mindlessly at a crowd screamer meter.

Whatever the fuck you're doing out there. Congratulations on the plaque that was awarded to you that you'll probably have for like another two weeks before somebody else decides they're going to break the record. Has any crowd failed yet? Well, they've set their minds to screaming for the sake of fucking screaming. You know, some a lot of Seahawks fans think that I'm shitting on their team. I'm not.

I have money on you cunts to win the Super Bowl. In fact, if you guys do not win the Super Bowl this year, I feel it's a monumental failure because I don't see anybody else in your way. Who's in your way? Nobody. It's yours to fucking lose. You got the best goddamn defense in the NFL. Defense wins championships. You think you can't handle Peyton Manning?

Huh? And that fucking hat box head of his. Actually, you'd have to be wearing a top hat. You could put a top hat on his head and it would like that. You could just pull it all the way down the brim would be resting on his shoulders. So what does that mean? Billy's not a good quarterback. No, it doesn't.

It doesn't mean he's not a good court. That's a hell of a point you just made. Can I really just for one week just not shit on Peyton Manning? Um, anyways, I think you guys are going to win it, but that stupid loudest crowd thing. I swear to God. And in my heart of hearts, I know this, that real Seattle Seahawks fans, when they're at the game,

they don't participate. I know they don't. The same way when I go to a Red Sox game, I don't sing sweet Caroline. I don't buy the pink hats. I don't buy any of that horseshit. I don't even wear Red Sox shit now when I go to a fucking game. It's gotten so ridiculous.

So that stupid loudest crowd record, what it should be done is secretly, they should be recording crowds. If you really want to figure out which one is the loudest, if you're going to throw out the acoustics of the building inside versus outside versus stadiums deliberately designed to be louder. Um, because if you tell everybody, they're coming down there with those fucking bullhorns.

All right. Hey Seattle fans, fucking grow up. Okay, keep your eye on the price. Don't blow out your voices. You got to win the Super Bowl this year. Okay, then you can scream and yell. Then what are you going to do? Try to break your own record and give yourself another fucking plaque.

Oh, everybody gets a ribbon. Um, all right. That's my little cunt-y fucking bullshit for this week. Uh, what do we got here? Let's continue on with some, uh, some emails for this week. Ah, fuck, am I getting cold? Jesus Christ. Uh, little fact for the podcast.

Hello, Bill. How are you doing? Uh, I was at your show in Amsterdam last week, and it was a great show. Hope you enjoyed your time in Holland. I did. I had a great time. Oh, I didn't mention it.

I, I tried not to go down to the red light district, but I had to do it. You know, how do you not look at hookers and windows? It's unreal. So I went down there by myself like a total fucking creep. And, uh, I looked at him and it's, uh, it's fascinating and sad and all of that. And I actually saw one guy walking out when I was across the street and shit. It's just like, that guy just fucked a woman,

paid money and fucked her. It's just the most bizarre thing ever, but they're, uh, they're really good looking. You know, as far as like a woman you got, there was one unbelievable fucking gorgeous woman and she was so good looking. She wasn't even looking out her window. She was just sitting at her little desk, you know, just like, look, you know, you want to fuck me, take your money out, knock on the door,

but I'm not going to stand here at the fucking window. All right. This fucking recorder keeps moving around here. Um, and I also saw a skating rink when I was out there and they were playing this fucking insane music and they were skating around almost like this polka music. I got to upload the video. I swear to God, all of that shit just sounds like Hitler Youth music to me. I don't know why.

Let me see if I can play some of this for you. I'm trying to find this video. I sent it to everybody I knew called it Hitler on ice. I hope you can hear this. So this shit's going on as people are skating around. I just came upon this walking by myself in Amsterdam. Oh God. Sorry.

Anyways, let's get on with this thing. Since where are we anyhow? I wasn't sure if you being sarcastic when you stated Holland didn't have slavery. I wasn't. I didn't think you had. I didn't think you guys had slavery and a bunch of people corrected me. Oh, that's right. Because I was in.

All right. Let me set this up right before I read this email. Basically, I was in Holland on December 5th. And that was, uh, I guess that's Santa Claus's birthday. Not in Holland. I guess just officially. That is Santa Claus's birthday. Santa Claus was a legend.

Allegedly. Jesus Bill. Allegedly a real person. They don't know when he lived and all that. It's very Jesus like, but allegedly he's a real fucking guy. December 5th is when he was born and they celebrate by dressing up like Santa Claus and essentially putting on blackface. But it's supposed to represent he's gone down every chimney in the city.

So he's got soot all over his face. You know, and as Nia was saying, so wouldn't it be sort of streaked rather than put all over their fucking face? It's blackface. So I was asking them about it, going, well, you guys not doing it in like an offensive way. I mean, you guys didn't have slavery, right? And they had this, they had this big laugh.

And I thought that. Oh, no, they, they all went like, no, no, no, no. And I thought they meant like, no, no, no, we're so against slavery. Don't put that shit on me. I guess, I guess I was wrong. So here we go. Here are the facts. I go, since you are like me most of the time pretty informed, it could be that nobody told

you that ships from Holland transported about half a million slaves during the transatlantic slave trade in the 17th century. I checked this shit out at Wikipedia. So it must be valid. That's hilarious. He goes, actually, the slave trade was one of the reasons that Holland flourished in the golden age, as we call it. So yeah, we did play a role in this, not really part of our history.

We're proud of. You might ask yourself why I wrote to tell you this. It's because I'm a cunt that likes to tell people they are wrong. I don't think you're a cunt. I think that's great that you informed me of that. So, so there you go. Alrighty then. Well, why would they go up like that?

Well, I guess because they couldn't make it diagonally across from Africa, right? Although, if you go straight across, you kind of, where are you at this point? If you went straight across, you'd be like in Aruba, maybe north of that. I don't fucking know. Carzamel? Well, Bill, you know, do you have to reinforce every three minutes how dumb you are on this podcast? Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you with your brain. Oh, this is a reply to that 22 dating 16 year old. Oh, no, it isn't. Is it? No, it's a reply to it. Anyways, a few weeks ago, somebody wrote in was saying that my same way he was 22 or whatever. I forget how fucking old he was. All I know is his 16 year old sister was dating a 22 year old.

What should he do? So I think somebody's responding to that, I'm guessing because it says re 22 dating 16. Okay, my dad started dating my mom when he was 22 and she was 15. Gross. His dad told him he could get in trouble and advised him to stop. My dad told him, no, it is legal as the age of consent is 14 or something here. Yeah, you know, when you're fucking somebody that young, you probably want to be a little more specific.

No, it isn't. The legal age is like 14 or something 14, 16, whatever split the difference. She's 15 and then you're fucking arrested. He said, anyways, he said they ended agreeing. They ended up agreeing to go ask a lawyer. Whoever was wrong had to pay my grandpa paid the lawyer fees and my parents have now been married for almost 30 years. But if some 22 year old wanted to date my 15 year old daughter, I wouldn't have it.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that that's a great thing that your parents stayed together like that. Did your mom even get to see what was out there before she ended up with your dad? Jesus Christ. First restaurant she walks into, she's just like, this is the best food ever. It's never going to get any better than this. I guess that's good for you, right?

So you don't feel like your mom's a whore. But why would she be a whore? Why can't she go out and do what guys do? I'll tell you why. Because when we do it, it takes skill. I mentioned that before this podcast. A guy getting laid, that's a skill. All right.

A woman getting laid. It's just gluttonous behavior. It's not even this, you know, where is the challenge? There is none. You can go down the fucking bar right now and have an entire bar on one if you wanted to. Right? Like, what is impressive as a woman? You know, for a guy, if you get a 2 on 1, that's like, you know, the fucking brass ring.

What is impressive for a woman? What are you going to have, like, a 15 on one? And what is impressive about it, that you could fucking physically take it? Oh, Jesus, Bill. That was just, wow, that was a whole other level of ignorance. All right, let's just plow ahead after that. Fucking one. 48 minutes in.

A Billy Red Coppola. Francis Ford Coppola. Billy Red Coppola. All right, I'll go with that. Are you going to check out any foreign films while you're overseas? Dude, I can't even read advertising. Do you think I want to fucking watch a film having to look up and down like I'm fucking texting while driving? Do you really think I want to do that?

Listening to my stuttering voice in my head? Are you going to check out any foreign films while overseas? I suggest you do. It's a trip seeing the cultural differences. I lived in London and France and would check them out from time to time. In case you don't make it, here's what you're missing. Tits. Derivative Benny Hill style slapstick.

Derivative Monty Python dryness. Derivative theater drama. The occasional dick and more tits. Some of it's great though, so maybe you'll get lucky. I don't know what any of that means. I guess there's a lot of tits occasionally show somebody's dick and they do a lot of Monty Python, Benny Hill type humor. Well, I've already seen the originals. You know why the fuck would I want to go see that?

They've got to have something better than that, don't they? One of those fancy films that comes out at cans. Is it Cannes Film Festival? Wrath of Cannes. All right, Bill, where's Lenny Bruce? Bill, I'm not a stand-up comic. I'm not even a huge comic geek. I am, however, a freedom of speech geek.

And comedians are the most important people when it comes to this. So why aren't comics, who for the most part operate independently, louder about what's going on? I just read about a blog by a girl bashing Kurt Metzger. I don't, oh, he's fucking hilarious. He goes, I didn't know who he was, but I looked him up and he's really funny. He makes good points about that stuff. The blogger just completely labels him, completely labels him things.

He's not just because she can't understand his context. You are outspoken about this and have been honest when asked, but why aren't people louder? Dude, you're speaking very vaguely. Louder about what? Bloggers bitching about comedy or bitching about social issues? He goes, I don't mean to single out so-and-so or so-and-so, but there are big positions to speak out against the stifling of the art.

Doesn't anyone want to go down as the guy who stepped up and articulated what they believe? It doesn't have to be malicious, but with some charts and graphs, you could explain it to people like that blogger, Jim Norton, debated. I was just going to bring Jim Norton up, yeah, that they're missing the point. Well, you know, there is also, you kind of hope it just goes away. If you talk about it, then they get like more hits. It's really just like lazy reporting. I saw when Jim debated that blogger on Kamau Show,

what the hell was it called? They're totally biased. And, you know, I thought she was, you know, for all the ignorance that she was talking about, like the general terms with which she defined stand-up comedy and comedians and all that, like, and especially talking about how angry comics were. I thought it was really ironic that she was sort of the epitome of all of that. She seemed very angry.

She spoke very generally about stand-up and really had no idea what she was talking about. And I thought I said that. Didn't I say that on the fucking podcast? I don't give a fuck about... Look, if somebody wants to go to a comedy club, I've said this before, if they want to go to a comedy club and take a comedian seriously, they are well within their right to do that. But just because they decide to take a comic seriously,

does not mean that that comic now, like, meant what they said in the joke. It doesn't make the joke not a joke anymore, just because someone decided to take it seriously. So I can only speak for myself, the only reason why I don't talk about it, because I think it's silly, considering all the other shit that's going on, and then also to sit there and act like...

I can't remember the last time I heard a rape joke, like, to sit there and act like that's what's going on. I mean, I don't fuck it. I've already talked about this, so... You know, where's Lenny Bruce? That's the name you think that's a Lenny Bruce moment to fucking say that? I mean, I guess what you're saying with the freedom of speech, but the bloggers have freedom of speech,

they have the freedom to get pissed off about it, and, I don't know, if anything, they're probably helping comedy. Maybe a lot of rapists wouldn't come down to the comedy clubs, because they didn't think that there'd be any humor for them. You know, and it's just nice to know that there's enough comics out there that have the brilliance to understand that rapists, before they're caught, you know, they like to laugh, too. So there you go, everybody makes out.

All right, accidentally dating a high school chick. Dear Bill. Wait a minute, accidentally dating a high school chick. All right, it can happen. She's super hot, you're so psyched, she's just going to blow you, you know? She looks older than her years. I'm already making excuses for this guy. I'm a 24-year-old expatriate Australian that now lives in Europe.

It's every bit the sexual buffet that teen titty comedies of the 80s promised. All right, this is already getting creepy, dating a high school chick, and you just used the word teen. Okay, that doesn't seem so accidental. One sentence in. Please don't be creepy, and continuing. However, I've recently started dating a certain lady, and she's that in every sense of the word.

Smart as a whip, caustic as hell, and yet warm when you're both alone together. So here's the backstory. Here are a few weeks. I arrive at this at this house party. I don't even make it past the front hall and I meet this girl. Everything goes great. We hook up and we've been dating for a few weeks. Fast forward a bit and she breaks off plans,

casually mentioning that she has to study for her. He writes it in this other language. The rough equivalent to the American SAT. SATs. Now, don't get me wrong. The subject of school has come up. Example, what subject was she interested in, et cetera, et cetera. However, this is where the language barrier can be a bit of a bitch.

The Germans and the French can also refer to university as school. And I naturally assumed she meant university. Back home, we graduated 16 to 17 years old. Uh-oh. Oh, jeez. So to bring this thing full circle, I'm wondering what, I'm wondering, do I bring it off, break it off with this chick? Wait dude, you didn't even say how old she was.

The Germans and the French also refer to university as school. And I naturally assumed she meant university. Back home, we graduated 16 to 17 years old. So how old is she? Uh, what are you doing dude? You don't tell me how old she is? All right, I'll continue. So to bring in things full circle, I'm wondering,

do I break it off with this chick? Which I think can be a dick move, given that we've already had enough explorative sex to make HBO look like door to the explorer. And to leave her now would look like I've been leading her on slash using her. Or do I stay with her and risk our relationship becoming strained by the different cultural gap, for example.

For example, she's dealing with the high school shit that I've long since resolved myself. The essentials. I like this girl a lot. We've got a lot in common, literature, art, sports, booze, and she doesn't find the fact that I collect pre-70s playboys creepy. A huge fucking plus given the woman I've dated.

Uh oh, dude. When did I start attracting like sex offenders? So you have this weird collection of porn. You're not telling me how old she is. The cons, she's in high school, still lives with their parents and is French. They can be temperamental as fuck. Dude, how old are you?

Oh, he's 24. What is the age of consent and how old is she? I don't know what you're saying here, sir. How old is she? I'm not commenting on that, dude. I need numbers. Uh, right back, dude. Right back.

Let me know how old you are, because I don't know what the fuck you're asking me there. Um, anyways, is that, oh, I gotta do the other half of the fucking goddamn reeds here. Maybe I'll tell you a quick little story or something for your bedtime there. All right. Evoise, everyone, the holidays are coming.

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You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's stamps.com, enter Burr. And last but not least, this might be my favorite name of anything I've ever advertised here, other than one white Charlie's. Sherry's Berries.

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What the fuck am I selling? Did I approve this? This is fucking ridiculous. Who the fuck is gonna buy this shit? This is the funniest shit I've ever seen in my fucking life. Christmas cake pops, cheesecakes and dipped pretzels. Call 866-FRUIT, everybody. Call 866-FRUIT, 0-2.

Or even better, visit berries.com. Oh, punch truck. Oh, please spell out the words. Oh, by all means, berries, B-E-R-R-I-E-S. Berries, click on the microphone in the top right corner and type in Burr. You gotta see these enormous berries for yourself. I swear to God, this is the copy.

Go to berries.com, click on the microphone and type in Burr. Dip your balls and dip your berries in that. Don't wait now. Order. Order some chocolate berries for the fucking person in your life. Oh, shit, I needed that. That was wonderful. I'm sure I'll get some complaints on that one.

We need a conference call. Can't do it. I'm in Helsinki. All right, wrap it up. Here we go. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows,

anytime, anywhere, on your TV, PC, smart phone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to the podcast page at billburr.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner, or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com. Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. That's huluplus.com slash bill.

That's huluplus.com slash bill. Hey, you cunts better buy some Cherries berries because I'm going to get in trouble with that fucking read and I'm not changing it because that was hilarious. Wiping tears away here. What was I going to say? So anyways, the tour continues tonight. I'm in Dublin and I got this show at the Vic Theater.

And then where do I go? The whole rest of the week and just traveling here. I got Helsinki Tuesday, Copenhagen on... Ah shit, Copenhagen Wednesday. Is that right? Helsinki, Copenhagen, then Oslo Thursday and then Stockholm Friday and then I fly to Iceland for the last one.

And I've been having some unbelievable shows. I got to tell you something, man. That London thing, you know, I already know I already gave Glasgow and... Jesus Christ. Amsterdam. Fucking punch drunk here. But it was amazing.

Great crowds and everything. And then London, just as far as... Just all the American comics that have come over and gotten their breaks in London. You know, from the Bill Hicks's to Patrice O'Neill. And I don't know. That was really definitely a special... That was one of those weekends as I was doing it.

I was like really nervous before the shows and shit. Like I did not... I'm not taking any of this trip lightly and this has been an amazing... Just an amazing thing, man, to be able to go all through Europe here. I know I'm only here for like a day and that type of stuff. But this is the beginning of many, many, many tours

for me over here. And I'm hopefully going to be saying the same thing about Australia. I know I got Canada coming up in March. And I just want to thank everybody who's been coming up to the shows. And I've had a bunch of stand-up comics overseas coming up to me.

And that's like the biggest compliment you can get. Comics coming up to your shows and coming up and saying that they actually like what you do. So it's really cool. I had a couple of people. What the hell was I? One night in London, somebody actually got me a cigar, which is great.

Please don't bring me any more cigars because I'm trying to cut down on that habit. But I got to thank this dude, Jimmy, came and gave me a cigar. It's just been great meeting the fans and that type of stuff and people getting the DVDs and shit. So really nothing funny.

I'm only halfway through this. Halfway tonight, I just want to thank everybody who came out and it's been great. And that's it. There you go. Ended up nicely. And my apologies to Berries.com. I didn't look at the copy before I read that.

I'm too fucking immature to read shit like that. I'm sure you have wonderful chocolate-covered Berries. All right? All right, you cunts. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. The Lijse presents Kokme with your My The Lijse app.

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The Lijse.