Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-19

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Bill rambles about the weekend in sports, dangerous Christmas toys, and pheromones.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, December 9th, 2019. What is going on? How are you? How are you? How's it going? How are you doing? I know people in Kansas City are happy. You fucking molasses, barbeque eating motherfuckers. How sticky are your fucking faces right now? We finally beat them. Oh my god. Congratulations to you long suffering cunts in the fucking western part of Missouri. I know you fucking probably got an extra fucking order of fucking baby back ribs. The only reason why I'm doing this to you guys with the food thing is for some reason that's just what you have to do in sports. Like they always think, you know, everybody in Boston's eating

fucking clam chowder or some fucking stupid seafood dish, you know, baked beans, you know, every time fucking Phillies in some sort of fucking big time game, what are they always got to teach the rest of the world how to order a cheese steak? You go to your guys, give me a whiz, whiz. Hey, you fucking go fuck you. Give me a Philadelphia cheese steak. I can't wait to fucking go there again and just say the whole fucking order. Just make the fucking thing you can't. You got to say, give me one with one without Oh, do I? Is that what I have? I have my fucking money's green. Anyway, yeah. This is what I was talking about early in the fucking season. I kind of saw this second half coming. Just grunkowski not

being there. And we do not have a legit number two threat. And these guys are just not stepping up and they're fucking doubling Edelman. And then we get threes and outs and then our defense gets tired. And you can't do that against the elite teams in the NFL. Just making, I don't know, dropping balls and fucking not picking up that there's a blitz and breaking off your router, at least looking back at Brady, they're just not doing it. And our offense is fucking anemic. Now I know there was some questionable calls, but they make fucked up calls on both sides. I fucking hate blaming the refs. So, you know, fuck, you know, I talked to Verzi. I wish I brought that up because he was the guy he told me early in the season goes, Pats

are going to do it again. The fucking defense is unbelievable. It's like, dude, we're playing the dregs of the NFL. I think I would hedge my bet until we, you know, we see, you know, where we're at, you know, we had Antonio Brown for like a fucking week. And, you know, then that all went to shit. And we still have a gaping fucking hole. There's just, you know, Edelman is our threat. Everybody knows it. And then they double them up. And then that's kind of been fucking it. So I am still sticking with my Super Bowl picks that I don't, I don't do until November. I don't like get these fucking people who try to do it at the beginning of the year. I mean, why don't you go out and go try to hit a full court shot? You don't

know what the fuck anybody's going to do. You really don't. Oh, they picked up this guy. They lost that guy. You know, fuck, you got to watch him play for a couple months. So I still think it's going to be the Ravens against the Seahawks. Although the Seahawks made me a little nervous tonight. They did not have a good game or even look good against the, uh, the LA Rams. Huge win for the Rams and a fucking big, huge fucking loss for the Seattle Seahawks. They were in the driver's seat to have fucking home field. They already beat the 49ers in San Francisco, and then they were going to have to come to their fucking loud ass stadium. And now they fucked that up. So that last game of the year is going

to be huge. So now if Seattle and 49ers both win the rest of the way out, they play each other the last game of the year, I believe, and that's going to be in Seattle. Oh, that's going to be a big fucking game. That is going to be a big game, but I just think, uh, I don't know. The only reason why I'm picking Seattle over the 49ers. This is my logic is I just feel like they both have incredible teams with talent, both sides of the ball. And I always think that when that is the deal, it's going to come down to the coach. And I just think Pete Carroll is the best coach is a better coach at this point. I mean, I might be wrong. I don't know shit about the 49ers guys, but Pete has been there. So I

just think he's going to come up with a game plan. And as long as everybody stays healthy, I think he can get him. Uh, but if they go on the road again in the playoffs and have to go back there to San Francisco, who knows, who knows what the fucking happened, but, uh, Patriots are on the outside looking at me. We're at the point where the fucking Buffalo Bills could win the division. So, um, it's been a long time since, you know, I've just seen like, you know, people usually play above their level. And, and I would think, I don't know what the Pats, that's kind of what we need with everybody else in the receiving core that is an Edelman. You kind of got, you got to give this guy, you got to give

them a reason to put him in single coverage or, uh, it's, it's, I don't know, it's been a fucking, you know, it's, it's been uphill for them. That's just how it's been. But Kansas City, they came into Foxboro and they fucking beat the Pats even after we went up seven to nothing. They came back. So you got to give it to them and, uh, my home's fighting through that fucking hand injury. So no fucking sour grapes here, um, with that one. All right. Raider fans still crying about the fucking tuck rule. This is how a man takes a loss. They're fucking referee. Um, anyway, I've been tough fucking sports weekend here for me. I watched the fucking avalanche comment. Jesus Christ went up one, nothing. What a fucking

team they got big, fast and some snipers on that team. I think they got, you know, they got that cat on anyone's fucking name is been so damn busy since I became a dad. But, uh, I know it's either that kid who was on a avalanche or McDavid on Edmonton, as far as the best guy in the league, a lot of people are saying, but, uh, I was very impressed with them. They kind of reminded me of those great LA King teams earlier in this decade where they would just, just really big and really fucking fast. I don't, I still don't think they had, I don't think the Kings teams had the speeds of what I saw with the avalanche, the replay of the game as much as I watched it. But, um, all right. So what are you going to do? Let's

get back to NFL football here. The 49ers win 48 to 46 against the fucking New Orleans Saints. And for some reason, everybody's all excited about the 49ers. I would not be excited as a 49er fan that you let up 46 fucking points to a team that you could possibly see in the playoffs. I would not be excited. You should never be excited when, when you fucking possibly the game of the year for what on one side of the ball, other than that, it was a fucking shit show. They let up 90, the defense has combined, let up 94 fucking points. I don't know, uh, I don't know who's excited about that, but hey, how about LSU? When the SEC championship, the championship, they beat Georgia 37 to 10. Ohio State wins the big 10 by beating

Wisconsin 34 21. Now, as far as I can tell, the way the NCAA works here, considering LSU won easily, manhandled Georgia by 27 fucking points. And the fact that OSU only won by 13 points, then does LSU now become number one? Because I remember when they beat number one Alabama in Alabama, but fucking OSU put up 70 points on that powerhouse, Maryland, they somehow became, I will never understand the fucking NCAA, how they decide. Cause there's a thing, I'm not saying LSU could beat Ohio State. The only way you can figure that out is if they play each other, but I just don't understand how I, how state beating Penn State, you know, LSU, they beaten like fucking three or four teams in the top 10 had a way,

way harder schedule. I don't understand it, but that's just how college football is. And you know what? They have a playoff system. Thank fucking God. Cause back in the day OSU would have just won the national championship. I guess they still would have to win their bowl game. At least LSU and OSU will play each other. I have no idea how that'll go down. I don't watch enough college ball to even predict it. So who knows, maybe they're right. Maybe OSU is better than LSU. I have no idea. But if LSU wins with, that would be pretty great for Joe Burroughs, the team that wouldn't, couldn't give him any fucking time. But I mean, he can't get mad at OSU. I mean, they're, they're loaded with fucking talent. The fact

that the guy that couldn't even get on the fucking field is now going to win a Heisman trophy, possibly for somebody else's, I'll tell you, that's pretty fucking amazing. Um, so what are you guys been doing? I feel like I'm doing all the talking here. Tell me about you guys. What are you been doing? I, you go to, you've been going to your Christmas parties. Isn't that an amazing thing when you get older, you know, you get to the end of the fucking year and there's all these Christmas parties when you're young, they're fun. Go there, get shitfaced. Maybe you get laid, get a fucking Hama as they used to say back in bean town. Dude, he gave him a fucking Hama. Dude, she gave him a Hama. What am I

talking about here? Um, maybe that was progressive way to say it. Dude, she gave him a fucking Hama in the backseat of his fucking Christ the Cordoba. Um, now when you get older, it's like you get the, you got kids, you fucking show up. You're already tired fucking Christmas party. But it's like playing the Thursday night game in the NFL. Well, you, you're still fucking sore from four days ago. Um, but it's been fun, man. It's Christmas parties out here in LA are fun. You run into all these fucking people that are, uh, you don't see because they're, they're road dog and you're road dog. And so I got to run to a bunch of comics that I don't get to hang out with that much. And we get a couple more coming

up. So, um, it's been good so far. I gotta get my fucking Christmas shopping going. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to get. No fucking idea. You know, do I do what all you guys do? Do I just order it on the internet? All right, let's, let's look this shit up. Let's, let's, let's help myself out and possibly you guys out. Let's look at a top Christmas gifts of 2019 for her. You know what's funny? Let me, let me go back here for, let's see, for teens, for kids, for her, for girls, for men. There it is. One, two, three, four, five, we'll rank fifth. We're out of the playoff. We, you, you can go home, sir. After your bowl game, then it's toddlers, then teen boys, young adults, wife. We already said her, didn't

we? And then mom. Okay. That's the top one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. That's the NCAA top 10 fucking gifts. All right. What do I go for? Wives. So your wives are her. Let's go her first. Let's see what, what hers are getting for fucking Christmas. All right. Aqua marine necklace. I don't even know what that is, but women do not want some seafaring horseshit. Don't buy that. You know, this is all fucking money thrown out. Okay. Gifts for her. 37 best gift ideas for ladies in 2019. This is just going to be all click bait. Let's see what's beneath this. 54 best gifts for men, the men in your life, 25 super thoughtful gifts, not gifts for foodies. This might be legitimate.

Walmart's ultimate hot holiday. Toilet for 29. What the fuck? Do they send it out selling a Walmart a sh a jacket? Do they make those for toddlers? These are just all creepy dolls. They got shit toys at Walmart. What are these people fucking people trampling themselves? Trampling other fucking Americans to go get XOXO friends, multi-pack surprise. You can have a fucking herniated disc over that shit. You know, I just swear to God, I don't know. You know what's funny? You shop at Walmart. That's literally like going to the bad part of town and you get mugged. I mean, I feel bad for you, but it went what, you know, at some point, it's like, what are you going down there at two o'clock in the morning

for? What did you think was going to happen? All right, here we go. 37 gift ideas for every woman in your life. A leather pocket wallet. 16 99. All right, I got to get out of there. What the fuck are we doing here? What are you in seventh grade? You can't buy a $17 gift for a woman. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, you know them. It's all about fucking you buy it. It costs a lot of money and then they wear it in front of their friends. Look at my pussy. You got me. I'm sorry. Come on, Bill. All right. Top 2019 gifts. All right. What are we doing? This is just all shit. Aquamarine necklace again. I'm starting to believe this. Here you go, honey. I bought you a aquamarine necklace because I know how

much you love to fucking see. All right. Jesus Christ. This is fucking bad, man. Are we in a recession? What's going on here? $5 credit. No, thanks. I need a $5 credit on a $17 necklace. Long-distance touch bracelet set. Vesper massage necklace. Wine cork states. You know, boy, these are fucking terrible. I wouldn't even put these in a stocking. You don't think about a stocking stuff or that gift. You're like ashamed of let's just stick this in a fucking sock. Nobody will see it. You know, you get the big gift. Sort of the big gift is like a fucking eases person into the fucking horseshit they gave you. A hair care holder. All right. I am in the wrong part of the internet here. Top 10 Christmas gifts. Do they have a list worth that she's going to like?

Top Christmas gifts for expensive. Let's say expensive. Top expensive Christmas gift. Let's just keep it unisex, shall we? Most, I don't want to do this. 40 best luxury gifts for him. Jesus Christ. Let's see what this is. I don't even know what this is. Calvaceus lingoto caviar. It's 99 bucks. I mean, it's a lot of money for some fish eggs, right? Tupelo honey gold reserve. What am I a fucking chef? What do they really get? Way tap beer dispenser. It's 119 bucks. National Park dog bed. This is for guys. What if when he's an asshole, you make him go sleep

on the dog bed and be print silk twill pocket square. 145 bucks. All right. That's okay. All right. We see the wheelhouse still keeping it on the 200 bucks for the ladies. Let's see what we got for the guy. Top expensive gifts for her. That aquamarine fucking necklace. Staying strong. All right. Sheek expensive gifts for the lady in your life. All right. Cross over wide ring with diamonds. 875 bucks. Baisy sentil, scented candle, $36. They're all over the map here. Chocolate truffles, 99 bucks. These are fucking terrible gifts, by the way, in rich body scrub. Hey, I want you to put this on your stinky fucking whore. Faux fur throw blanket. Petite marmal leather wallet on a chain. 895 bucks.

You can get her some flats for $120. Lecreme main hand creams, 50 bucks. 18 karat gold pave diamond initial necklace. What is she? A rapper? Why the fuck would you get her that? That's 500 bucks. Jesus Christ. Siren wire earrings. All right. I am no closer to knowing what to get my, I don't fucking, I don't fucking know. I thought that they were going to have all those, you know, Jesus. This is such a stupid fucking goddamn time of the year. It really is. Put on an itchy sweater and try and go buy me some shit. You know what the greatest gift you can tell? So what do you want for Christmas? Nothing. Why don't we watch a movie? We'll get some of that

blockbuster popcorn if they still fucking make it, right? We'll just sit here and we'll fucking eat that next to where, you know, get the heater going, maybe get a fireplace where you live. Why don't we do that and fuck all this other shit? Just, just buy shit for your fucking kids. Right. Let's see. Let's let, let's see what I can get a kid. Top 10 dangerous toys for kids 2019. All right. 10 dangerous toys of 2019. Shoppers checklist twice. All right. What do we got here? I don't know what this is, but the kids holding it up to his eye. How can a nerf thing be nerf ultra one, the blaster that fires up to 120 feet has the potential for eye injuries. No, it doesn't.

It's made out of nerf. Nerf is soft, right? Spike, the fine motor hedgehog, hard plastic, removable quills have the potential for ingestion injuries and choking bunchums, bunch and build plastic, connective pieces may get entangled in hair and may cause choking. I can see the choking, but entangled in hair. What the fuck are you kind of reaching for shit there? Yeti, the stuffed animals, long hair may come out and be ingested or cause aspiration. Nickelodeon's frozen treats slime. I need to read that one. I already know that's, well, why would you, it's not even food, right? They look like a smoothie, soft serve ice cream or a snow cone, but the package warns that they're not real food and shouldn't be eaten.

Dicast school bus, the rubber tires are removal and could cause choking. If your kid's old enough to play with a fucking bus, he's going to stick the tires in him or maybe he's got a younger sibling. I don't fucking know. Do you guys see that Ruiz fight? Am I saying it right? Ruiz, Ruiz, I watched that thing and came on it like fucking 10 in the god damn morning. That's one of those annoying fights where you know that the former champ did what he was supposed to do. You know, if this guy's a brawler, you're a boxer, so he just kind of pointed him to death. I thought you had to knock out the champ to get it or he had to like beat him. I guess he pointed him. He never really hurt the guy

and then the fucking guy you're watching, this is exactly what he needs to do. Got to score some points and then get the fuck out of there. I know fight fans aren't enjoying this. Yeah, we want to see a fight. You want to see somebody get knocked the fuck out. That's what you want to fucking see. I know that the former champ, now the champ did what the fucking he's supposed to be doing, but Jesus, fucking Christ, he fought a smart fight. Jesus, I mean, I gotta tell you something right now. Somebody who's never been in the ring before, I'm going to tell you why I didn't like that fight. Sorry. All right, it's time for the advertising here. By the way, I'm recording this thing fucking

super late at night. I went out and I did some stand up and I came back. My wife was already asleep and I actually tried to get back quick because I wanted to watch TV with her and stuff, but she was already asleep. So what are you going to do? I'm not going to wake her up, you know, so I'll fuck it. I'll come down here. But I did some stand up and done stand up in like fucking eight days because I've been studying for this goddamn test. And I went down and my buddy was saying, Jeff Ross has this fucking room down on Ventura Avenue. I was like, oh, shit, all right, let's get a room. So I went down there and I drive by and it says the roast master something outside this venue. I'm like, holy shit, he bought a fucking comedy club.

And I walked in, turned out it was just an empty store. And he just, he just had it for like 48 hours. And he had like a food truck and it was like a free show and all that. It was a fucking great time. You know, standing room only and all of that shit. And I went on stage and he had a mic and we were kind of on stage sort of together doing kind of the David Tell, Jeff Ross bumping mic thing. I've never done that with them. I had like the best fucking time. I felt like that was most of the set. And I kind of shook off some cobwebs because I got the Vegas show coming up on the 21st. So I'm doing stand up every night until then. So I don't fucking, you know, lay an egg and when I go out to Vegas, speaking of which, I got some,

I got some tour dates to announce here, upcoming dates all on sale. New Orleans tickets almost sold out for the Mahalia Jackson Theater on January 9th. I got the Patrice O'Neill benefit is January 27th at the New York City Center Theater. And here's some new ones that we just added. Oh, fuck, I'm fucking yawning. Sorry, Santa Ynez, Santa Inez, California, the Chumash Casino Resort on February 7th. Then I'm doing the Vancouver and Vancouver and we'll be at the Queen Elizabeth Theater February 21st doing two shows. And then I'm in Nashville, Tennessee at the Grand Ole Opry House legendary Grand Ole Opry House on April 13th cannot wait for those gigs. That's going to be fun. I can't wait to get back out on the road. Guys, I've been fucking. Oh my

God, guys, did I just say guys, I can't get way to get back out on the road guys. You guys have been so patient just waiting for my dick and shit jokes to be coming your way. Yeah, I didn't work a lot this this fall. I kind of been building the act back up. And I think it's where it needs to be. But at some point, you got to go back out on the road and just start doing fucking hour long sets and everything. And I'd started to do that. But then, you know, the holidays, I like to try to be around and all that shit. So we got our Christmas tree. We haven't put the lights up yet, which is bugging me because it's already the ninth. So we got to get the fucking lights on tomorrow. We got all of this shit going on. And but you don't care about that, right? I got to,

you know, I've been doing lately though, I've been taking my daughter everywhere I go, when I leave the house, I was so fucking afraid to do it for so long. And I was talking to a buddy money said he had a son and he's like, you know, he's a great kid. Now he's like 30 years old. He goes, I just take my son everywhere I went. It's like, I got to do that more often. So Larry, so I took her to the grocery store today, because we were all out of eggnog. I fucking love eggnog. I know that's a very, it's a hot button issue. People either love it, or they hate it. Like eggnog is like the Trump spirit of fucking the holidays. I love that shit. I mean, I don't know pour a giant glass of it, but I know. Oh, I used to love it with brandy. Oh, we get the fireplace

going. It's fucking delicious. It's like spiked ice cream. So I was going down there to get more eggnog. And then we needed some more other shit, right? And the thing too was when you buy eggnog, you can only buy one container of it because you don't know how it's going to go. Because it's also something you get real sick of real quickly, because it's fucking super sweet. So I went down there and I was like, I'm going to bring my lovely daughter. So we go down there. And she's at that age now where you take it down the aisles and she's seeing all the food she likes. You know, I want I'm died to I want goldfish, you know, and then they're so smart. They put like toy story. She knows that, you know, she knows Woody and all those guys now. You know, Lightman McQueen,

she's seeing all those Pixar movies, Disney movies and all of that shit. So they just put them on the food and you just fucked. You fucked you're going down the aisle and you're trying to be like, we already have goldfish at home. I want I want toy toy. I want goldfish for Woody. Like, all right, buddy, all right, buddy, I'm not going to be like, and then you can't put it in the cart. They got to hold on to it. It's hilarious. They hold on to it like they want an Emmy or something. So I learned that I brought it down to the grocery store. It's like, all right, let's go down her aisle. Let's get her a little bag of that's something that she wants. And she'll hold on to that. And then I can go get all this other stuff. Dude, I'm so sorry. I'm fucking young like this.

But I got her early morning tomorrow. So this is the only time I could do this shit. So we went to, she's just the best man. She's the best. And she's so fucking funny. Like she actually understands humor already. You know, like I was trying to put a close on today and she was deliberately making it difficult. And she just kept laughing. And I was like, can you just stop? Can you stop doing that? She kept, you know, moving her legs. Like she does a thing, you know, she puts her foot straight up so it won't go down the fucking pant leg. And she sees me get frustrated. She just sits there laughing at me. And she did it so much this morning that I finally just quit and I just made like a pout face or whatever, hoping that that would work. And then

she just goes, Dada, I want you be happy. It's like, all right, well, can you help me out here? And she just laughed and she kind of let me do it. But like the fact that she knew and then, and then she fucked with me again, it was like, this is like a comedian being like, all right, all right, I'll leave you alone. Whatever they're doing that was bugging you. She just like keeps doing it. It's like funny as shit ever. And I don't know. I don't know. I can't keep a fucking straight. And then the worst thing is then she starts making me laugh while she's annoying the hell out of me, because I can't get her stupid, you know, sweatpants on or whatever cute, cutest little frigging sweatpants ever. But

I don't know, she's the best man. She's the best. So it's been great to be home all of this time. But I, you know, I do need to get back out on the road. So anyways, let's do some reads here. I'm thinking like if I yawn really aggressively, that the tiredness is going to go away. It's also like fucking 20 after 12 here. All right. Oh, here we go. But do do do me on these me on these. Oh, I like fucking eggnog. Do you do do me on these me on these if it rains, you get soggy socks. I fucked it all up. Nothing rhymes with Nog. Puttin some what do you put it? What do you put it in eggnog? What's that brown shit? Nutmeg. Oh man, that's just a bad road. Nothing rhymes. Nutmeg. Put some fucking,

get some eggnog with nutmeg. Aren't you really glad you don't have a wooden leg? Drink it up. Put a little brandy in there and then yell at people who don't deserve it next to a fire. Me on these by this time of year, the plan is at Virgos of the world have checked off everything on their list. I don't know what any of that means. While the rest of us last minute, people are running around like psychos, trying to figure out what to get everyone. Well, that is me. Oh, a Virgos planners. Is this like astrology? I thought that was some fucking super rich family, like the asters or the Rothschilds, the Virgos. Anyway, let's go. Don't fear, fellow last minute gifters. Is it already last minute? Me on these has every everyone on your

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that last one. I'm gonna have to take that out. And if he did take it out, now you listen to saying what did you say? I made a fucking zip recruiter comment about, you know, this certain ride service app should have used zip recruiter because then they could screen it for fucking rapist. Right. That's the way I'll say it. I don't feel like it in the suit here. All right, the Irishman. Bill, love your work and I typically think you are hilarious. Okay, I'll take that. It's 545 a.m. And I am on my morning walk and you just told everyone how amazing the the Irishman I think you meant to say is it is amazing. Goodfellas is my favorite movie. All is my favorite all time movie. All capital letters. I cannot believe you like that boring garbage movie.

My word, it makes me question everything about you. Parentheses mostly kidding. All right, you didn't like it. Oh, just fucking people who didn't like good fellas. I mean, it didn't win an Oscar that year. That's how it is. It's art is, you know, it's in the fucking alley. Behold her. He goes, I thought only reason that that I thought only reason Jesus Christ, dude, if you're gonna fucking shit on a Scorsese fucking movie that was as great as this one, you can't even spell check. I thought only reason people like that movie is to kiss ass to the elderly director, director and woke cast. Okay, a woke cast. I don't even know what that means, but you generally seem to like it. How

is that possible? Well, I you know, I'm sure there's movies that you like that I don't like. Compare that to good felt good fellas or even casino and tell me that movie is in the same fucking universe. Bill, just checking in on you, please leave LA before it's too late. I love, I love people's fucking. I was so many people's perception on what LA is, is what people have told them what it is. And none of them know what the fuck it is. All right, LA is a fucking incredible goddamn city. All right, so enough already. And you just think it's everybody out here with Botox and fake tits, just fucking fucking walking around. Just being a phony fucking jackass. That's that's not what it is. That's, you know, I mean, does everybody go to Chicago? Does everybody

have a fucking mustache going add to bears and fucking sticking their face in a deep dish pizza? Hey, we're in Boston. Hey, let's go get some chow down. So dumb. I absolutely fucking love that movie. I just watched it again. And I love it even more. It's fucking incredible. I mean, I don't know what movie you watched. So I don't know, I agree to disagree. I mean, you really didn't bring you really didn't criticize it. Boring garbage movie. Wow, that's that's a little fucking harsh. All right. Okay, you did say you like good fellas. So you're not one of those superhero, because I know the superhero people really got upset when Scorsese was saying that that's not cinema, which I would agree with. They they're movies. I think cinema is like, you know, it's

like, you know, night train is a wine, right? I guess they're all wines, you know what to mean. But then this, you know, there's this, this, this top shelf booze, then there's shit that'll get you drunk for fucking $5. That's all he's saying. And some people like it, you know, to get drunk on the cheap shit. So you're entitled to Hey, I fucking like eggnog. You know what I mean? I absolutely loved that fucking movie. And I am. I will watch that movie for the rest of my life. That's how I feel about it. And if you don't like it, that that's fine. But I think it's a little harsh to say it's a garbage movie. I wouldn't say all superhero movies are garbage. I don't know why am I bringing superhero movies

into it? You didn't bring that up. All right, whatever, let's continue. All right, agree to disagree, sir. You didn't like I said, you didn't really critique. Yeah, call me nuts. I enjoy watching Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in doing scenes together finally in heat. They were only at the table for fucking 10 seconds. I think it's one of Joe Pesci's greatest, if not his greatest fucking work of all time and whoever that actor is that played Tony Pro. I mean, that's it's instant fucking classic scenes. I don't know what the fuck you were watching. If I was a younger man, and I had energy and it wasn't so sleepy, I'd actually get upset with you right now. But you know what? Good. You go watch how to fucking build an American Quilter, whatever that fucking movie

is. All right, temper advice. All right, hi, Billy. Sorry, I can't think of anything clever as a greeting. I appreciate it. You know, whatever you tapped out, we all do that. I'm a 39 year old lady who was a redhead like yourself. Oh, I love it. I love it. A fellow redhead. We got another meeting on Tuesday. I hope you make it. I feel like I have a horrible temper. I have an extremely short fuse and I think I am pretty, pretty easily irritated by a lot of things. I bet it's how many times in your life have people blamed your hair in a redhead. They got a short fuse. They got that hot hair on top of their head. Well, my head shaved down. I'm still just as angry. My husband always tells me to calm down, which makes me even more annoyed. That's fucking hilarious.

I'm not sure why I'm always so easily pissed off. Well, I think that that's the mystery when you're an angry person. You have to figure out how you got that way. Because babies don't come out angry. You become it's shit happens to you. Anyways, my immediate family is so calm and laid back. And they don't have red hair. Oh, God, are you going with this fucking old wives tale? I know that there are stereotypes that redheads have worse tempers than others. Yeah, and that came about back when they were like drowning people because they thought they were witches. I don't know what just happened. I just totally lost this fucking. Oh, there it is. I fucking just hit a button and the whole thing went away.

Anyways, I know there are stereotypes that redheads have worse tempers than others. However, I'm not sure if it's just me or if it's a redhead thing. Now, I think when a redhead gets mad, there's the red hair and then our face turns red and everything becomes red and red's considered an angry color. So I just think it's more obvious than somebody with, you know, pigment and brown here when they flip out. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm always so easily pissed off my immediately. I just read this. Okay, I sometimes worry about my attitude and find myself apologizing for my temper quite often. Well, okay, well, if you're apologizing, at least you're aware of it. I'm not sure if it's my personality or if it's actually a ginger issue. I'm not a raging cunt 24 seven,

yet I feel like I lose my cool more than most people. I really do have a good heart and it is there the majority of the time, yet I'm so easily easy to anger. It makes me wonder sometimes, you know, sometimes if you're a good person, you have a good heart and you're generous, you actually can be really angry because you expect that other people and out of other people and it doesn't happen, you know what I mean? I'm not saying that's my excuse, but I do know that's part of my anger is the lack of common courtesy and I might be living in a bubble walking around thinking that I am a courteous fucking person. And I might be getting mad at drivers who are doing the exact same fucking thing that I just did and I can't hear the person

behind me yelling. I don't know. I haven't figured out what my problem is yet. Anyways, he goes, she says, I would love to know your thoughts on regular people versus the dickheads that us gingers can be. I know you've been trying to work on your temper. Have you had any success? Yes, I have. I've had a lot of success. If so, can you give a bitch some advice? I hope you and your lovely family have a great Christmas. I love hearing stories about your sweet little girl best wishes and please do go fuck yourself. You know, it's a great thing to do. Take time out of your life to go talk to somebody about it. I started doing that before I did the movie this summer and I haven't been back and it's

affected me. So I'm going to that's one of my goals in 2020 is to get back to talking about that. You kind of got to figure out, you know, what was a major epiphany to me was when my body started breaking down and I had to start getting massages to work all the, you know, 40 years of knots and gristle and all this shit from repeated movements and flying on planes and all of that and my shoulders were like fucking up all the time and forward and all of that from, you know, years of getting the shit kicked out of me and also not doing enough back exercises and too much shit in the front, you know, benching. That's all people did in the fucking eighties. What can you bench? What can you bench and not enough people said, you know,

what are you doing for your back? So when I got all that worked out and my shoulders came down and I wasn't all like folded in towards the front. My chest opened up. I felt like a lot of my shit just the way I was holding myself in a defensive sort of posture was causing me to be it was weird. It was like what happened to me psychologically cycle, the psychological abuse. I think as a kid fucked with my brain, which was telling my bought was my body that something bad was going to happen. So then my body got locked into this defensive position, which then fed my brain and was this fucking circle going. So when my body opened up, like a lot of the fucking anger kind of went away and I had this epiphany that I realized that I'm not really an angry guy. I just react with

anger and there is a difference. Like cause I was an angry person before and I was just walking around angry and I realized that I had left that guy behind a long time ago without really noticing, but my default emotion was anger. So you might just have like, and this is really hard to like when you have a default emotion to try to reprogram yourself. And that's kind of where I'm at. You might have more success than I have by going to talk to somebody, but I found going to talk to somebody and then if you have like a lot of guilt over how you react to shit, kind of forgiving yourself for that and seeing a lot of the good shit that you do can kind of help you be like, all right, well, this is just like, you know, it's like no different than, okay, I put on 20

pounds. I got to take it off. It's like, all right, I'm acting like an angry little boy. It's like, all right, I'm acting like an angry lunatic. I really need to fucking, you know, and then I talk to your husband just say, this is something I really want to work on. So I know I'm going to have to do 90% of the work, but if you can kind of just give me a shout out like, Hey, you're doing that thing again. I got a bit my act right now that how my daughter has been helping me because what's great is she's not afraid of me, which is awesome. I've kind of broken that sort of thing in my family tree. And so she can just kind of just talk to me and if I start acting like a lunatic, like she kind of puts me in check and I'll just be like, you're right, you're right,

buddy, sorry about that. And she's always like, it's okay. So I don't know if he can do that for you, you know, that could possibly work out who knows. Oh, shit, I got to write something down because that just reminded me of something that I forgot my fucking joke that I put in there. I'll hit pause, you don't have to fucking sit through this shit. Did I hit pause? Come on, Bill, for God's sake, so you're going to all right, all right, I'm back. Okay. Yeah, if maybe husband couldn't help you out. But the thing is, is you really like, when you go to talk to somebody therapy or all that, you really, it's really not what goes on in therapy is in the beginning it is, but it's really in between

therapy. You know what I mean? It's like getting a personal trainer, right? You get a personal trainer and they're showing you all these fucking exercises, you're not going to get the abs that you want if you then go out and you're acting like a fucking idiot between workouts and eating bad food. So when you go to talk to somebody really, you know, you got, it's in between sessions. If you're not working on yourself, then it's just a big fucking waste of time. And then some poor other human beings going to just listen to you dumping your life on them every fucking week. It's a brutal fucking job with those therapists to have. All right, here we go. My vanity ruined my love life. Hey, billion burrito. Oh, I love a burrito. Bill Burrito. Oh, I love a fucking

burrito. I had a fucking great one the other day. God damn it. Fucking delicious. All right, to preface this, I'm a straight white white male. So I'm going to sound pretty arrogant and I personally have hard standards on loyalty. I think you meant high standards, right? I consider even lusting over someone else while in a relationship cheating. Okay. All right, that's okay. All right. So to start, I grew up ugly, but I kept working at it until I was undeniably hot. Parenthesis, I was oozing with vanity. All right. Do you want to hear the secret? Whoever has the best pheromones in the room is the most attractive. Is that a fucking word?

P-H-E-R? I don't even... Come on, people, you know I'm dumb. Why would you do this? Now I got to fucking look this. This is us. This is something. What is that? How do you say it? How do you say it? Let's turn it up so everybody knows how to use say this word. Here we go. Pheromone. Okay. A chemical substance produced and released into the environment by an animal, especially a mammal or an insect affecting the behavior or the psychology of others of its species. How do pheromones work in people? They are secreted outside the body and they have influence, the behavior on another individual. I don't get what is this? Is this like a fucking...

Is this airborne Spanish fly here? Fuck is this... Are you roofing people with your cologne or your natural scent? I don't... Okay. Anyway, there are men with the... Okay. I guess he was going to explain it. Where the fuck... This is a whole thing on pheromones. All right. Straight away. Male person. I have the best... Whoever has the best pheromones in the room is the most attractive. Because you can't control it, pheromones really do make us go primal. It overrides your logical thinking and brings you back to the caveman days. It took between 17, 18 and 19 to get it right. It was honestly because I started doing LSD. If you understand, you understand. I don't understand, but this is like a file. I want

to see the movie of this fucking whatever the hell you write me here. There was this one day I realized there is no such thing as loyalty in a relationship. It's only pheromones. It's honestly started to bother me about women. It doesn't matter who the woman was, how strong her relationship was, or how loyal she claims to be. They are all still tried to actively pursue me. What? It doesn't matter who the woman was, how strong her relationship was, or how loyal she claimed to be. They all tried to attractively, to actively pursue me. This is because you're a pheromones. Don't forget that men want to fuck your girlfriend all the time too. Growing up ugly is a curse because you still carry the broken confidence too.

What are you talking about, dude? You're fucking, I thought you were crushing it here. This is fucking nuts. No matter how good I look, I'm still insecure about it. I thought, so you're an ugly guy, but you have these pheromones so that makes you good looking? I don't get this. I'm also insecure about men pursuing my girlfriend. It made me insecure, insecurely think I'm good looking, but I'm not the best looking man in the world. There are men with the same level of pheromones as me or better. This means it doesn't matter how strong my bond is with the woman. Honestly, this always makes me so uncomfortable hanging out with women in relationships already. Probably because I don't want her to assume I'm going to

try to pursue her. And the other part, there's at least a 50-50 chance she's going to pursue me too. Oh boy. Did Ron Burgundy write this? I don't know if this makes me sound insecure or not, but the only time I can hang out with the woman in relationship, I have to make sure their significant other is standing right between us. Well, why don't you not fucking pursue them? All that has to happen is a man with the same level of pheromones or better to walk by my girlfriend and she'll start pursuing him. Dude, you know what this reminds me of? You ever hear that Hitler used astrology to make decisions when he was fighting his fucking war? I don't know what this pheromone shit is, but you have fucking, you've gone down the rabbit hole here, buddy.

Anyway, let alone lusting over him, parentheses, hard loyalty rules. Oh, saying that you don't, I don't know. But it also goes both ways too. I've done my fault. I've done my fault to only become, what? I've done my fault. I think you mean done my part. I have done my fault to only because of pheromones. So from what I consider, there is no such thing as loyalty in a relationship, which sucks for me because I do consider loyalty as the most important part of relationship. And I just find out it's all cake. It's a lie. I really need to find a way to be okay with that in order to move on from my love life. Do you have any advice yet that fucking you should be single,

dude? You should be single for a fucking while. And whatever this pheromone fucking shit is that you're talking about, I would try and work this out because you're not going to be a fun person to be in a relationship with. Whatever the fuck that was about how, you know, you have these great pheromones and you walk in there and you fucking, you know, I think you're putting out a vibe. All right, you're a good looking guy. You're putting out a vibe and women are fucking responding to it. And, uh, you know, I don't know. I don't know what world you're in. If you're in a bar, how old you are, I don't know what's going on here. But, uh, you know, I learned a new word. I don't have any advice for you. I don't really understand what you're

talking about. You're saying that basically it's all based on sense and because you have this incredible fucking scent that Calvin Klein would love to put in a fucking bottle. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I would say, uh, yeah, I don't even know what you were talking about. Um, good luck. I don't know. I don't know enough about it, sir. You're, you're, uh, you're talking some sort of fucking science, DNA shit. And, you know, you for, and I don't feel bad that I can't give you advice because you've heard me try to read out loud. So you knew what you were getting involved in. Okay. That's the deal. All right. All right. Underrated everybody. Hey there, Rudolph, the red nut reindeer. That's a good one. About a year and a half ago,

I found out my cunt, now ex-wife had cheated on me a lot. Three different guys. Oh boy. Well, she earned the fucking C word. So all right, two at the same time. Like I said, cunt, but now that I'm over, although it's the sadness. So I don't know, buddy. You're fucking still thrown the C. Okay. Maybe you're over the sadness. You still got the anger though. But now that I'm over all the sadness and insecurity, I realized I'd been missing out on so many things. I have a good job and now I travel alone for vacation and on my most recent trip. I even met a lady. That's great. Good for you. You turned it around as I'm typing this. I'm at the mall buying candles and eating frozen yogurt alone and I love it. Ah, that's great. Enjoy being single.

It's going to be a very small part of your life. So enjoy it. I'm even going to treat myself to a trip to New Orleans, to New Orleans. I'm from Detroit to see you in January. Good for you. Being able to laugh about my situation when I heard you ran about cheating whores, help me get through some really hard times. Thanks and go fuck yourself. No worries. No, what are you going to do? Hey, you know, being in relationships, a tough thing. Everybody makes mistakes. I've fucking made with every goddamn mistake you could possibly make. You know, so when you're single and you're fucking out there, you know, enjoy it because I'm telling you, it's going to be the fucking, it's going to be a very short time in your life because when you meet the person

you're supposed to get married to, you're not going to want to leave them. But then, you know, you're in that and the relationship keeps changing. You know, your boyfriend, girlfriend, it's the new thing. Now it's getting a little old and you move in together and you get fucking married and you have a kid. It just keeps fucking changing. And, you know, there's definitely, I don't think like this much, but there was definitely times, I think early on where you look back to those days when you were single and it was just like, God, that was fucking great. But fortunately, I don't think that, I think a lot of times I did think that because I was so afraid to get married and I had met this person that I knew I was never going to get, I was never going to break up with. So

I was like, fuck, you know, like one of my, this is, I hate to say this, one of the best thanksgivings I ever had was the last Thanksgiving I was single. And I actually hung out with this other comic and we bought like a fucking, we bought like a fucking, I think a case of Budweiser cans and we were sitting in my apartment and we ordered food and we watched the football game and we just laughed our fucking asses off and got fucking hammered and then went out and continued to drink. It was perfect. We were both in the same place in our life. He wasn't in a relationship. I was in a relationship and we were just talking about how we fucked up every relationship we'd ever been in and how fucking

relieved that we were, that we weren't in relationships about ready to ruin some poor woman's fucking life as they were spending yet another fucking holiday with that dumb asses. And we just got shit-faced and just laughed and just told all these fucking stories about what fucking morons we were. We drank the whole fucking day. I don't even know if I maybe had a turkey sandwich, but I wouldn't trade that obviously for what I have now, but I will tell you that there's something to be said about that. And if you're not happy in a relationship, get out of it. And when you are single, do not rush into another one because you're lonely. Enjoy being fucking single because I'll tell you right now, there is a whole bunch of fucking people

right now in relationships that they don't want to be in. And this time of year, it's fucking brutal. You're going out there having to buy a gift for someone that you're trying to think when the fucking, I can't break up with them now because it's a holiday. Then you got that fucking short window between the holidays and then Valentine's Day. March is a good time to break up with somebody. It's right before spring. All you got is St. Patrick's Day. Here we go. I'm going to end the podcast. Top months to break up with somebody. All right. Top three months to do it. Top three months not to do it. All right. March, provided the person's birthday isn't in March. March is a great one.

September is a great time to pull the ripcord. It's before the holidays start. You know, you're cleaning house to begin the end of the year. These are my top three. You give me your top three and I'll give you mine. Are my top three? March, September, March is fucking great. All right. Because that means you took them out for fucking Valentine's Day. You weren't fucking feeling it or they took you out and you just, how the fuck do I get out of this? And you're going to break up with them. They're going to be out of your fucking life and you're going to get through the sadness. And right when you do the fucking springs, springs here, right? Get out your roller blades and start fucking skating around.

September, I already told you why it's before the fucking holidays. You're never going to see that person's fucking parents again, right? Just fucking get out of it with a stupid roommate or whatever the fuck it is that's, but I mean, this isn't really my experience because I actually dated some really great people and I fucked all of those up. I'm just saying, all right. And then last one, oh God, this is a tough one. The third one's a tough one. I don't think summertime is a good time to break up with somebody right before the summer. Oh, March and September were easy. I don't know. I would say, uh, you know, I'm just gonna throw, I'm just gonna say, I'm gonna go May. I'm just gonna throw May out there. You know, fuck it. You got the NHL and NBA playoffs,

you want to fucking watch that shit. You know, she already ruined March Madness for you. Get the fuck out May. Those are my three, March, September, and then May. May's a week. That's a week one. Maybe there's only those. Maybe there's just two. All right, worst months to break up with somebody. Uh, I'm going to say the worst month to break up with somebody December, right before Christmas. That's also a great time though, because then you don't have to fucking go to the other person's place. Jesus, I really talked myself into a corner here. I don't think there's a bad month to break up with somebody. I guess it's, that's, you know, something I just learned something. It's never bad when you break up with somebody.

Just get the, if you're not happy, there's nothing, just get the fuck out. It's never worse. It's never worse than staying in. I can't flag days coming up. Get out. Get the fuck out. There you go. You know, I just get the last thing. I keep saying this last thing. This is the fucking last thing. And then I'm going to have a shot of egg nog and then try to go to bed with all that sugar course and through all my fucking brains, have the fucking egg nog dreams, the fucking elves attacking me and shit. The fuck was I just going to talk about breaking up with somebody that I forget. Am I now thinking about egg nog? That's how my brain works. I fucking left that thing. It's like, it's like a fucking train. It just keeps going.

That was back at the last station. You know, that's it. You never get it back. You leave, you left your pocket bar. It's a fucking train. I can't back up. The fuck was I thinking about? Oh, I get such a kick out of this time of year, because I hated when I was on the fucking fence, you know, I wanted to get married, but I was afraid to get married this time of fucking year when they start doing that shit about the engagement rings, those motherfuckers of the advertising agencies, they know, they know to drop those fucking goddamn, they know when to do it, when she's going to be sitting next to you and you're just like, oh, God, I mean, if you don't do it now, I didn't say we should go. You're such a fucking guy.

I am so fucking relieved that I am past that part in my fucking life. All right. That is it. That is the podcast, everybody. So there you go. So who do you like in the Super Bowl? I want to hear, do you think the Kansas City Chiefs? I don't know. I'm still questioning their defense. You know, I'm not questioning their fucking offense. That was a huge fucking win for that franchise to go into Foxboro, because we have definitely been a fucking spur under this saddle or whatever that fucking thing is a goddamn pebble in there rocking their shoe for the last couple of fucking years. So congratulations to them. Do you think that they have what it takes to get past the Baltimore Ravens, aka the Cleveland Browns? I don't know.

I'm a little nervous about my Seattle pick, but I'm still staying with it. Seattle Seahawks winning. Pete Carroll gets ring number two. All right, I'm sticking with it. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.