Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-24
Episode Date: December 9, 2024Bill rambles about corporate scams, sucking on a chili dog, and the price of a men's haircut. SimpliSafe:  SimpliSafe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for my listeners. This week only, you... can get 50% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Gametime:  Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BURR for $20 off your first purchase.
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So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right?
So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home
That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently
I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado
And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs
We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a
yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more
enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour
in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know
just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money.
And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb.
It's really just as simple as listing your place
and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away.
So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles
while you're out there exploring the world.
Turn your home into an Airbnb.
Give it a shot.
You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much
at Airbnb.ca slash host.
Hey, what's going on? It's how's it going man how was your weekend man
I actually had a great weekend I really did look at me sounding surprised I
actually had you know I had a weekend and I enjoyed it. God damn it.
I didn't do much of anything. I took a drum lesson, finally. I haven't taken a drum lesson in forever.
I've sort of been revisiting some Alex Van Halen stuff
that always confused me.
And I'm still confused because he's a beast, but
all of a sudden, you know,
a lot more of it makes sense as far as I can understand it or whatever.
Um, so I played my drums there and, um,
I'm trying to have like Billy chill days, which I don't know how to do.
You know, I just fucking try to just sit down and do nothing during the course of a day. And what happens is then my demons catch up with me. So, you know,
if you have somebody in your life and they just cannot fucking sit still and
they're always moving around, you know, what did they used to call people like
that? Oh, he's always fidgety. He's always fussing about and blah, blah.
It's like, no, he had,
he or she had a lot of fucked up shit that happened to him when they were kids like if there's somebody that
you live with and they move about the house like a moth or a bat yeah that
means something I look well I don't have any background in psychology all right
obviously but like I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that some fucking shit I don't have any background in psychology, obviously.
But I'm gonna go out on a limb and say
that some fucking shit happened to them
and they're trying to avoid it.
In other words, what I do must be what everybody else does.
That's a classic human point of view.
Like these idiots, I just meet on the road, like wherever they're from, that's their worldview,
which is understandable, but there's no other worldview other than their worldview.
That was a big thing when I was growing up too.
When I grew up outside of Boston, I was like, this is how the world is. And anything that goes against that
is either stupid, wrong or gay.
Which has gotta be the dumbest way
you could ever go through life.
And I did that for the first like,
I can't say, well, the first 10 years of your life,
all you're doing, the first 10 years of your life all you're doing,
the first 10 years of your life you're like gathering information from people who think
anything different is stupid, whatever the fuck I just said.
Stupid dumb or gay or whatever, whatever the fuck, they put all of that shit into your
head and then in your teen, you start to apply it.
And then in your 20s, you begin your journey
as a fucked up adult. And hopefully, you
start to turn the ship around in your 30s.
If you're open to it.
If you're open to it.
I don't know. If you're open to new information
and maybe the way you look at the world
isn't the way it should be.
You know what's annoying me about this kid
who killed this CEO is none of these news programs
are talking about the incredible lack of empathy
from the general public about this
because of how these insurance companies treat people
when they are at their most vulnerable after we've all given them our money every fucking month and
now we finally need you and all you do is deny us and then these pussies and all of these things
are taking the pictures of their CEOs off their websites you know I gotta be honest with you okay
I love that the fucking CEOs are fucking afraid right now.
You should be.
By and large, you're all a bunch of selfish, greedy fucking pieces of shit,
and a lot of you are mass murderers.
You just don't pull the trigger.
That's why it looks clean.
That's why these people look, oh my God, oh, he was just, you know, walking into a hotel.
It's like, okay, but what was his job? What did he do? What was the results of it?
Did I tell you like out here in 2026, like they're going to not have a sell-by date on food anymore,
and they're trying to make it like they're trying to save regular people money?
It's like, no, they're going to let grocery stores sell food past the
fucking sell-by date because they weren't legally allowed to sell it. And
then, I don't know, they probably have to eat that. They have to eat, you know, no
pun intended. They have to eat the cost of that. So now they're going to pass it
on to us. Okay? And that thing went through with Democrats and Republicans once again selling us all out.
They don't give a fuck.
I saw this thing on the internet that was allegedly, it was Al Capone that came up with
the sell-by date.
I refuse to believe that that's true.
I feel like that lives in the world of Fred Rogers.
You remember Mr. Rogers?
And then all of a sudden there was this rumor that he had sleeve tattoos and he was in Vietnam
and he fucking killed a bunch of people. That rumor got out there. Maybe this one's true. I have no idea.
All right. But you know, I will tell you that this country was way better when the Italians ran it,
you that this country was way better when the Italians ran it, meaning the mob.
It was much better because they were, because what they were doing was illegal. So they were just through the fact that it was illegal.
They were sort of, um, um, I can never remember the what's,
what's the proper terminology in business? Not governed. They were
regulated just by the simple fact that what they were doing wasn't legal.
And then the problem was they got rid of the mob and then all the corporations took all of the
mob scams, both the government and these corporations, they're running the same scams.
Running the same scams. You know, the fucking, I've talked about this before, like they used to have the,
then they used to run the numbers, which they stole from black people.
That became the lottery. Um, loan sharking,
ridiculous interest rates is what banks are doing. Um, and I always love people.
Oh, well, you know, uh, you know,
what's the difference between a bank and a loan shark? What's the difference?
And they're like, well, a bank doesn't have to break your legs.
Yeah, because they have the law on their side.
Make no mistake, if they didn't, they'd be breaking your fucking legs.
They don't give a fuck.
And then all of these corporations profiting off a fucking war, they're they're murderers.
The people that fucking poisoned our food supply and giving people cancer,
those are they're fucking murderers.
They're just not standing there with the gun, you know,
shoot you into it in the back when you go into the grocery store.
So it doesn't look that way. It's it's fucking unreal.
And I tell you, it's it's really annoying
how hard they're trying to find this kid that shot that guy.
Okay? How much they're trying to solve that fucking crime,
where if it was just some regular fucking jerk-off walking in there, are they trying that hard?
I know they're trying to solve it. I'm not shitting on the cops here,
but I'm saying that the political pressure would not be there.
Um... I don't know. the political pressure would not be there.
I don't know.
I guess one fucking healthcare person, you know, company, like they didn't cover, they only covered anesthesia for a certain amount of time.
Do you realize how fucking evil that is?
Like they sit in meetings and have that.
And now they're like, no, no, we'll cover it for the whole.
Oh, you're going to cover the whole operation? Is that what it is? I don't have to wake up
halfway through a fucking appendix removal appendectomy. Anyway, so I feel like if the motive is what they're saying, it was inevitable.
There's only so long that you can go around doing that and treating people
that way in the evil way that they treat people before somebody's gonna retaliate
and get the right person or the wrong person because I don't know anything
about that guy. I'm just saying. And it's amazing that that story, it isn't amazing,
it's expected that it's not going into mainstream media.
They're just treating it like, oh my God, it was a cold-blooded murder and that's fucking it, and they're ignoring the general public's reaction to it.
That's what I think is going on, even though I don't watch the news at all.
You know, why don't you watch the news, Bill?
I guess because I was disappointed so many times by it
I'm making a joke, but it's the truth
All right
Guess what? I did this week on the anything better podcast. I was just like, you know what?
I'm just gonna bet dumb shit
Because I don't recognize the game anymore
If I watch one more fucking game where some team is up by 25 points and then all of a sudden it's time with a minute to go.
What a fucking game. I mean how many times it happens like every fucking weekend. Every fucking weekend that happens.
I don't know if they changed the fucking rule. I don't know because there's so much other shit to watch out there that they just have to make this is a most
Incredible fucking game since since the one o'clock game. Oh
My god, it's the Sunday game gonna be even crazier. I
Just it's not how football was games were over in the third fucking quarter they were done and they were done and that was it
It wasn't it wasn't like a fucking rocky fight every fucking weekend so anyway I was just like you know what I'm just gonna bet
all dumb shit I'm gonna bet everything that doesn't fucking make sense and
guess what I out of the four games I bet the Monday night game I'm 3-0.
Fucking 3-0.
I bet the Panthers, I didn't remember who they were playing.
They're supposed to get the shit kicked out of them. I'm like, yeah, you know, that won't happen.
Right? That won't fucking happen.
They played the Eagles.
I had the Panthers getting like fucking 12 and a half or something.
I'm like, yeah, that's not gonna happen. For some reason, the Panthers will like fucking 12 and a half or something. I'm like, yeah, that's not going to happen.
For some reason, the Panthers will probably even win this fucking game.
And they came damn close to doing it, but the guy dropped the ball.
I didn't watch a second of it. I don't watch NFL anymore.
I don't, okay.
It's just like, it's kind of like music. Music has passed me by.
You know, I don't understand. I don't understand.
I, I, I, I, I don't understand. I don't understand. I, I, I, I, I, there's so many people out there with beautiful voices.
Why am I listening to it like I'm getting serenaded by a robot?
I hate that auto-tune sound.
I just, it fucking drives me insane and then just knowing that it's probably somebody who can't even
fucking sing and then they're singing into this auto tune thing as if they can sing like
going on these these runs or whatever so I don't fuck with that now I took the Panthers
and then I took the Rams because they're playing the Bills and the Bills should kick the shit out of them, right?
Three and a half points spread.
Why is it so fucking low?
Why? Because the Rams end up winning the fucking game.
And then I took the Buccaneers.
I don't remember who they were playing, but I just believe in Baker Mayfield.
And, you know, when Colin Cowherd went after him
and then he went on his show and he was still just sitting there
completely unathletic, not getting picked in gym class, telling this pro athlete
that he's a complete waste of a pick, fucking with his money.
Or, or, or, you know.
And then he's done all these great things that I've yet to see that guy be like,
all right, I was wrong about this guy.
This guy's a fucking winner.
Um, I was like, fuck it.
I'm going to bet on Baker Mayfield and they won and they covered.
So tonight.
I don't even know who's playing, but it's the Dallas Cowboys that has
my third cousin under center.
Then all the redhead coach and they have a redheaded quarterback now.
But you notice that they're sort of ginger friendly.
I feel like they're allies over there.
I don't even know if he's a redhead.
Anyway so I'm taking them.
I forget who they're playing but they're playing some team that should kick the shit out of
them.
So that's my new way of going.
Oh by the way, I shouldn't say that people can't play anymore.
That is bullshit.
It's just sort of like what is happening in all facets of art is the people that are rising
to the top are not the most talented people.
It's the people that are best at the internet. Because I'll tell you, I'll tell you this,
old man Billy threw my wife,
and wife likes watching those tiny desks on YouTube,
the NPR channel, hang on a second.
Tiny desks sort of like the,
I would say the liberal Austin city limits, you know, where like
Austin City, I just assumed it was a conservative show because it was in
Texas. I've never bought this shit that Austin is liberal. I think they're liberal
for Texas. So anyway, I'm probably to mess up all of these names.
So Nia goes, can we watch this tiny desk thing?
And I was like, absolutely, because, you know, the bands always play live and they, I've
just watched enough of these and they have killer fucking bands.
So there was this artist who came on, Dochi, I think is how you say the name, and she comes on
with one of the best bands I've seen in fucking years. Like everybody was
destroying it and she was like just this supernova of talent. Like one
of these people that makes me question like, how am I also in show business?
You know, I'm sort of a one trick pony, right?
I tell jokes, I act like an asshole, I don't apologize.
And then I leave, you know, that's kind of, that's, that's, that's the,
that's, that's playing at the level that
she was performing at.
And I've been trying to get the names of the people in the band because everyone was killing.
All I got so far is the bass player because I hate how bands, like nobody knows the players
anymore.
And I've gone to these fucking concerts with my wife
and it's like the star is out on the stage.
Like I went to go see Lady Gaga one time,
which by the way, that was the last concert
my wife has ever gone with me,
because I, you know, she didn't like my behavior at it.
Ha ha ha.
Let's stay.
What happened was, some of you who listen to this podcast remember this story.
I was watching the Patriots during the day and they lost the playoff game.
They got smoked by the Ravens.
So I was like a six pack in and a couple of whiskeys.
It's back when old Billy Boo's face, right?
And then I was going to go see Lady Gaga.
And I went down there, you know, she's great.
She can sing great.
Hold on, I'm not fucking shitting on her or anything.
But like, I go there and like, she has a live band,
but they were like in like this castle behind her.
And like, they basically put a fucking house
in front of the band.
It was a castle, this facade.
And there was like these little windows
so I could see sort
of the drummer's head and he was killing it and I couldn't watch him fucking play.
Then she's out there riding on a horse and all of this shit and she's going like, I don't
give a fuck.
You give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
She kept saying that, right?
And then she goes to her backup dancer like fucking so and so, do you give a fuck?
He's like, I don't give a fuck.
And they just kept doing that. I understand why, what do you mean you don you give a fuck he's like I don't give a fuck and they just kept doing that I understand what do you mean you don't give a fuck I paid for a
fucking ticket you better give a fuck give me a goddamn show everybody but the
horse was telling me that they didn't give a fuck on stage and then I just
couldn't take it anymore and writers and it was just bad time and writers the
crowd wasn't screaming and it got quiet, I went,
Jesus fucking Christ.
So anyway, the rest of the concert happens and then we go home the next morning. I can feel my wife.
She's giving me the cold shoulder there and I knew she heard what I said. So I said, I'm sorry.
And she goes, yeah, all right, whatever.
And I was like, come on.
Yeah, I said it once.
She goes, you said it like six times.
I didn't remember, because I was drunk.
So anyway, but that's been my thing.
Like I went to go see Madonna and she's singing the tracks.
She doesn't even have a fucking band there.
You know, I go, I just, where is the fucking band there. You know I go yeah I just where is the fucking
band? So anyway now there is a band so I'm trying to track down the names
because these players like the trumpet player, the bass player, the drummer,
everybody, the saxophone player, the backup singers, her hype woman, whatever
the hell you're supposed to call them. The only name I tracked down was the bass player who was unfucking believable.
I'm not going to say the name right.
Zuri.
Oh, here we go.
A, P, P, L, Y, B, Y.
All right. Look that name up.
Zuri, Z U R I.
And I'm not going to disrespect her by attempting to say her name, because
she played so amazing.
It's like apply by B-Y, A-P-P-L-Y-B-Y.
It's only 25 minutes long.
There's so much shit out there.
If you just want to see.
A bunch of artists performing at the highest level, I highly, I highly recommend that.
And like I said, this isn't me. Like I, my wife told me about it, all right.
And I was just sitting there and I was like, I'll watch this.
And I was immediately.
Within two seconds, I was like, oh my God, this is, this is a whole
other level.
And that's where it started.
And it just, it just kept going up and it was probably the fastest 25 minutes I
can remember in a long time.
So I'm hoping, uh, that this woman is on tour and she's bringing that band.
That's what I'm hoping.
I'm hoping that that's what's happening because I don't want to go to any more shows where I'm watching somebody and there's no fucking band.
You know?
Or they're in a house for whatever fucking reason.
I love that.
Oh yeah, I'm thinking like this castle theme.
It's like a castle theme.
No, it isn't.
It's you're putting a fucking wall between
the band and yourself. I know a guy did a big tour for this artist and they played underneath
the stage. All eyes must be on me all the time
Anyway
Anyway check that fucking one out. It's the tiny desk scene check out that whole series the tiny desk series man. It's it's it's
Amazing and what's funny is my stupid generation is always talking about how nobody can play instruments anymore And the reality is is million, not a million, there's a whole bunch of
people in this generation that are unbelievable players.
You just have to find them, um, which is hard because like I said, there's like,
you know, there's being good at what you do and then there's being good at the
internet.
And, um, you know, the problem I think female artists have right now is there's so many who was walking
around in their fucking underwear on Instagram, like getting a zillion clicks, like how do you,
how do you push, how do you get your shit, you know, in front of that?
in front of that. I don't know. All I know is I just picked three fucking games this week because I was so sick of trying to like predict what I thought was going to happen.
I finally realized that whatever I thought was going to happen wasn't going to happen
and I am now into this total conspiracy theory that they have manipulated the game with the
rules,
the officiating, and got in bed with gambling now
that like most games now are gonna come down to the wire
on purpose, not because it's better for the game,
it's because it's better for their wallets,
because you're gonna watch until the end,
you're not gonna change the channel,
and they're gonna get money for all the advertising.
All right.
All right, So anyway, I had a great weekend here with the
kiddos. I hung with my son. Like Saturday, I hang with my son. And then on Sunday, I
hang with my daughter. That's how I do the weekends, right? Whatever the daddy daughter
day and then I hang with my son the previous day. So he just wakes up and told me that he wanted to go to the drum store because I
was asking him, hey you want to go out you know into the garage and go play
drums. He goes I want to go to the drum store. I said alright let's go. So I took
him over to the best drum store in LA, professional drum shop on Vine just south of Willoughby. Oh, Willoughby! And I go in there and my
son, he always has to play like all the drum kits that are on the floor. And what
I absolutely love about my son and I am like so proud of him.
He is not shy at all.
Like little Billy Burr would have been like, you know, playing like quietly and all that
stuff.
He doesn't give a shit.
He goes in and just plays.
And the only problem I have in that store is that once I get him in the store I can't get
him to leave and then it becomes like a sad thing because he's leaving right and
you know what's funny is you know Jerry and Stan the brothers that own it
they're starting to get to know him.
And I just love that.
And I just go, you know, one of these days,
he's gonna be coming in there,
buying drumsticks or a cymbal or something like that.
And they're gonna be going,
I remember when you were this high, you know?
And they've been doing that forever.
And that, if you ever come out to LA and you play drums,
you have to go to that store.
And you have to understand that everyone from Max Roach, John Bonham,
Tony Williams, oh God, Steve Jordan, Vinnie Calliuta, all the guys, Steve Gad, all of
these guys, since way back when they first came around, have been going to that shop.
And some of the bass drum heads that they have on the wall,
hanging up, it's unbelievable.
It's like a working museum,
and it's also at the same time, totally up to date.
And it's everything that Guitar Center isn't.
Like it's personable.
If you have like, if your gear's messed up,
they can repair it in the back.
They have all these relationships with all these
drum companies and everything. It's why I prefer to go to privately owned businesses
because the service is just always better, always better. And that's a way to get back at these
CEOs. You don't have to shoot them in the back as they go into a hotel to get a Grand Slam breakfast.
You can just start going to mom-and-pop places and deal with a little more, you know, inconvenience.
You know, I know you like going into the big box stores, but, you know, whatever.
Why don't you try to do both? Start with that and just compare your experiences as you just sit there
You're like a fucking orphan in a Best Buy walking around trying to find somebody to help you
Or you walk into a mom and pop, hey how are you? Can I help you? They're like right there for you
So anyway, so he's in the drum shop and I'm trying to get him out
You know, we're in there 40, 45 minutes and I'm like, all right, buddy, you know,
he's like, no, I want to play, you know, and then he has to go over to the high
hats and hit all the high hats.
And it's so hard for me to get him out of it.
He has this ear to ear grin the entire time he's in there.
He just thinks it's the greatest place on earth.
But you know, eventually, you know, it comes, it's like, I got to get them home.
I got to get them out of there for nap time.
Or I'm just old and I'm tired of standing up, you know?
So I had to bribe him to get them out of there.
He was like, dad, I want to play this one.
And I finally just look at him.
I go, Hey buddy, I say, buddy, I go, you want to get a donut? And then he looks immediately right over me.
And he goes, a donut?
I almost burst it out laughing and I go like, yeah, you want to get a donut?
And he just goes, yeah, like super enthusiastic.
You know, like the same energy of Will as Will Farrell in Elf, like Santa, you know, he like, he immediately like jumped off the stool.
And then I just love me just says goodbye to everybody shakes hands with everybody's a little
fucking man, right? And then we got in the car and we went to go get a donut.
So drums and donuts, that's what works with my son, right?
And then yesterday with my daughter, I've discovered this new activity
because I always take her to the playground and stuff.
She likes that ninja climbing stuff and all of that.
And she's really good at it. But she also likes going to the mall and just,
when I was thinking, oh God,
I'm gonna buy more shit we don't need.
She's totally content to just look at stuff
and not buy anything and then go get something to eat.
So that's what we ended up doing.
And like, I swear, it felt like nine times
she said to me going like, dad, this is really fun.
This is really fun.
It's of course she likes the fucking Apple store, which kills me.
But you know, they just grow up with these goddamn computers and they just,
they just, they relate to them.
Um, so I was like, all right, you know, she went to the Apple store twice.
Um,
I don't know.
Those fucking people, geniuses.
So dumb.
My cell phones all fucking crack. So I was asking, how long does it take you to change out a screen?
And they go, well, what phone do you have?
It's just like, dude, just generally speaking,
before you go to the fucking iPad and try to find my retina or whatever the
hell you have on that fucking thing. He goes about two hours. I go, great.
I don't have that time today, but that's good to know. Thank you.
And then I get the fuck out of there. Um,
so anyway, I had like two great days with that.
I discovered all these great new musicians on that, that Doche tiny desk.
You know, it's been a while since I've just, I've seen a band playing at that fucking
level.
I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
So I'm really hoping that I can see that band live.
That would be incredible.
But if I can't, that's all right.
I can follow each musician and see when they're playing.
So I can at least go see the individual bands.
All right.
Now, where am I here?
Oh, my God, 29 minutes in.
Oh, Billy Babbleface here.
Oh, so the Van Halen song I'm working on is that song I'm the One,
which I always was like my favorite
cut on that album because they played everything else to death. They runnin' with the devil, eruption, you really got me.
And whatever that next song was,
they always played that one.
And I always think like, I like, I'm the one.
Like I think Eddie's playing on that is just fucking crazy.
And then Alex, that double bass triplet shuffle.
And then he got the Diamond Dave lounge liger breakdown,
ba ba da shoo be breakdown, for no fucking reason.
I just felt like that song out of everything encapsulated sort of like the recipe of that
band and Michael Anthony's amazing bass playing and high harmonies on it.
So anyway, I've been working on that and I was leading with my left foot because it made sense to
me to come down with the right foot.
And then I went to my drum teacher, Dave Elitch, and he goes, you know what, for whatever fucking
reason it's easy for people to lead with the right and play the downbeat with the left.
And we were trying to figure out why that is.
And it's like, oh, that's because, you know, a lot of times you're tapping the downbeat
with your left foot on the hi-hat.
Now it's just on the bass drum.
And it's not weird to play an offbeat with your right foot, but it's way more weird to
play the offbeat, the upbeat, the offbeat or whatever with your left foot.
Because you don't do that a lot with the hi-hat, but with the bass drum, you know, it's all
... You know, you do that all the fucking time while you're tapping one, two, three, four,
one and two and three and four with your left foot.
So that was kind of cool.
But like, I don't know, I'm kind of getting it up to speed.
And it's exciting because I never thought I'd be able to even attempt that song.
And then secondly, by learning that song, I don't have to deal with my fucking
demons. So it's all working for me. All right, with that, let's do some of
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So I travel a lot.
I mean, a lot.
Perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right?
So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes, if I bring the big
boy, and I want all the comforts of home.
That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible.
Recently, I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado,
and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff.
And before we got to the gigs, we were like, let's just get an Airbnb.
And it is just a more comforting existence.
You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know, it's communal living.
It's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience.
So when I go on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months, I always
am like, well, could my place be an Airbnb?
You know, just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little
bit of money.
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And with that, and we're back, let's do.
Oh, we got a controversy here. We got some reads here. So anyway, somebody, you know,
somehow I brought up John Cougar or John Mellencamp or John Cougar Mellencamp. I mean, tell me that guy shouldn't be investigated going by all those aliases.
You know, I think what it was is he was John Mellencamp and then the label said you should go by John Cougar.
They were big on fucking last names that were animals.
You know, Eddie Horowitz became Eddie Rabbit. He
wasn't Horowitz. I don't know what his last name was but Eddie, there was Eddie
Rabbit. There was John Cougar. You know, Freddy Fesson. I don't know there must be
another one. You always have to have three though for people to believe. As
long as you have three, you know. If you have three, if you have three examples people
believe you.
Two, they're like, this guy's full of shit.
Four, they're like, shut the fuck up already.
But three, three is a magic number.
Yes it is.
When you bullshit people, I'll give you the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
We believe in one God.
People like fucking parrots just just just repeating the shit.
On the third day he rose again right. He said on the second day he came. Get the fuck out of here.
He didn't come back in two days. On the fourth day what the fuck was he waiting for? The third day.
Oh my god. I believe I can fly. Um, so anyway,
I was talking about that, um,
that John Cougar, John Mellencamp, John Cougar, Mellencamp song, uh, Jack and Diane.
And he goes, Suckin' on chili dog outside the shady tree.
Take out my fucking dick.
And then I start to pee, whatever the fuck he says, right?
Jack is gonna be, oh, football, does he, you gotta sing the whole song, it's a hit.
Even if you don't know the lyrics.
So anyways, I was saying sucking on Chili Dog, I always thought that was a fucking disgusting reference for, you know,
him getting blown out there in the fields of Indiana.
You know, one night in the field, there's corn there. The next night there's a cross burning.
And the next night, John Cougar, Mellencamp, fucking pheasant face is getting his dick sucked.
That's what I thought it meant.
So somebody goes, no, chili dog was a, it's like a slush puppy.
But that's what there was a, there was a chain of restaurants called chili dog.
And I guess that was what the drink was called.
That's what somebody claimed last week.
But this week, somebody's saying, no.
No!
That is not what happened.
Sucking on Chili Dog dash correction.
Bill, last week, that guy was wrong about this.
It's about chili dogs at Tasty Freeze.
Diane sits on Jack's lap eating a dog.
Here's the video where she's eating it on John's lap.
Alright.
I mean, I don't know.
Can we just say that it's a fucking really weird lyric?
You know? You eat a chili dog, you don't suck on it.
Right?
And to use that as sort of a sexual innuendo, which I know
he had to have been, when chili looks like shit, I mean,
he's got to have some German blood in him, no?
Is it a song about scat?
I don't know. But I can tell you right now, it's Monday, I have a bunch of shit to do and the last
thing I need to do is fucking spend my time trying to figure out what that lyric means.
I have no idea.
All right?
You know what?
It's art.
It means, it means whatever you want it to mean. Do you know what? It's art. It means it means whatever you want it to mean.
Do you know what I mean? I'm just looking for a reaction. Alright, the price of a
haircut in Boston. Men vs. Women. Alright, well I can tell you right now, there's a
lot of things I don't know how much they cost and a haircut is one of them. Oh my
god, I have not had to pay for a haircut.
Woo, I'm going on like a decade.
It's like I bought an electric car
and I have no idea how much gas costs.
You know what's funny, those fucking electric cars,
I was so into those things.
Yeah, fuck these other companies.
It's all the same shit.
You're just going into a new kind of evil, a new kind of waste, a new shit that's all the same shit. You're just going into a new different, a new kind of evil,
a new kind of waste, a new shit that's bad for the environment. And now people are saying like,
drive around electric cars like you're riding around on a fucking cell phone. And you know,
your cell phone, you keep in your pocket, it's starting to do studies that can cause cancer or
the balls there. You're sitting on that giant fucking battery. I don't know. I'm telling you.
Oh, Billy's having a sale on his vehicles. Everything must go't know I'm telling you Oh Billy's
having a sale on his vehicles everything must go and I'm gonna try I'm gonna
drive a fucking analog car gas combustion engine five-speed okay I'm
starting off maybe looking at a BMW but I'm not gonna buy a car until I know like...
Until I don't know. It really gets me excited. I haven't found one yet.
But I'm gonna start with an older German car.
Because I still remember I rented a BMW 3 Series in the 2000s and it was one of the most fun cars I ever drove.
I love the size of it and it was just an automatic and it was so much fucking fun and it was tight as a drum.
This is before they started like, you know, trying to lease their cars out to college-age kids and they weren't making them right.
Like there's a period in the, I think it was last decade where they weren't making them right. Like there's a period in the, I think it was last
decade where they weren't making them right. I guess they're making them right again, but they
got a little American car in the 80s type of deal, which was really bad for the brand.
Like speaking of which, what about Jaguar with their new logo?
which what about Jaguar with their new logo?
Like talk about like, in what fucking world
are we bringing all of that shit into buying a car?
And like, you're a corporation.
You give a, your ally is money. All right, so I don't give a fuck what your bullshit,
oh, the leaves are brown and our sign is pink. You don't give a fuck what your bullshit, all the leaves are brown and our sign is pink.
You don't give a fuck.
Alright, you give a fuck about
fucking British racing green cash.
Um, fuck out of here.
Trying to be fucking socially active with a new car label.
All I hear is your cars aren't selling well so now you got to like brand yourself.
Anyway, where the fuck are all the goddamn... this always happens to me.
I touch my phone and it goes back to the top.
I touch my phone when I think about you. Alright, the price of a haircut in
Boston. Men vs. Women. Dear Billy Balderdash. I've heard that word before
Balderdash. Is that an insult? Is it a character in a classic tale? I don't
know. Alright, I, a man, recently instigated a fight against nine women about the cost of haircuts.
Oh, really? I like this. That's great instinct.
My hwaf, he says, had a bunch of female friends over and they were all talking about how expensive it is to get a haircut.
We're all drinking wine. I'm being quiet.
We live in Boston, USA USA where things are very expensive. I sat
there listening to them complaining about how much it costs to get a haircut.
My wife said she paid $450 for her last haircut. My wife's hair is
about halfway down her back and it's blonde and beautiful. Her friends all
agreed on the price and they have a variety of hair.
Black women with different styles, white women with short hair, native women with long black hair
down to their butt. While they all bemoan the cost of hair, I was doing mental math. I'm a regular
white male with boring brown hair. Don't say that about
yourself. You're a special white guy and your brown hair isn't boring. It's all
how you wear it honey. I get a haircut about every four weeks. A haircut in
Boston including a tip cost anywhere between 40 and 65. So the average price
is 52.50. But let's round that down to $50. Sir, what you're doing
right now is you're presenting a rational argument. Now this is going to make sense to all the men out
there. This is not going to make sense to them. And a lot of times both men and women, when they're
complaining, they just want to get it out. out okay and everybody feels that whatever is happening to them generally speaking is
the worst fucking thing happening and the most important thing right now but
what are you gonna do you're sitting there six against one and you're gonna
come at them with logic gee you've gotten to an argument with them anyways
50 bucks 52 weeks a year
times a haircut every four weeks equals 13 haircuts a year. 50 dollars per cut times 13 is 650 bucks.
I'm a hairy Irish potato guy, so toss in a few times where I need to pay 10 dollars to get my
neck cleaned up for a wedding or an event and even as a conservative estimate
I'm spending close to 700 a year on haircuts as a basic man. Okay so rather than just keeping
that information to yourself and then calling one of your guy friends and laughing about it
which is what the the uh an older guy does if they're mature,
because I'll be honest with you,
I would do the same fucking thing.
But there's a 20% chance now that I wouldn't,
where before it was 100% I was all in,
boots on the ground, as they say in military.
The military.
I finally spoke up and made this point to all the women and they all
berated me. Oh what a surprise! They said there's no way I spend that much. I
presented my math and explained it. Then they switched their argument. Oh yeah,
there you go. From you don't spend that much to we would get haircuts more
frequently if they were affordable. I said maybe if you went in and just got the ends cut
a few times a year, you wouldn't have to spend $450
to get a full cut color, champagne,
and all of that bullshit.
They hated that.
I sat back knowing that $700 is more than 450
while they all hollered about how expensive women's hair care.
Oh dude, I love what you did.
You fucking threw a rock at the hornet's nest and then just sat back in your
beekeeper outfit and watched them all buzz around the room. That's entertainment
where I come from. So I sat back knowing that $700 is more than 450 while they all
hollered about how expensive women's hair care is and acted like men don't
spend a dime on haircuts. Well I would also say this, my wife doesn't just get her hair done once a year. She's going in
there quite frequently so I have no idea what she spends but I know
depending on what hairstyle you have, you know, and then how you want to keep it or whatever,
like they're not just going in once a year, all right?
So you can't treat them all like they're Crystal Gale, like they're just fucking hair down to their ankles,
just not getting it cut for years and years.
I wonder what Crystal Gale has spent
on haircuts over the years.
You know what's funny?
All the money she spent, she saved in not getting a haircut.
She then spent in time washing her fucking hair.
All right.
Anyways, while they all hollered
how expensive women haircut is
and acted like men don't spend a dime on haircuts. my conclusion is, oh but black guys go to the fucking barber
like once a week it seems.
So it all, you know, it all depends on where you are.
That's actually a fascinating fucking argument.
Which could have been, you could have presented it in a more fun way. But what's more fun if you're just sitting there listening to six women bitching
to throw logic in the middle of it just to piss them all off?
That's also, there's a lot of fun to be having this.
To be having this.
My conclusion was that I spend more than women in Boston on haircuts.
They don't believe me. They hate it.
They think they're victims getting swindled even though they spend less than me a regular looking guy with blonde boring
Hair on haircuts. Well, I can also tell you this there's a lot of men paying for those women's haircuts
There's not a lot of women paying for like a guy goes to the barbershop. There's not some fucking
What is it? Not a sugar daddy sugar mama paying for the fucking thing. I
What is it? Not a sugar daddy. Sugar mama paying for the fucking thing.
I just want you to fly off about this because it's an example of women defying logic because they've already made up their minds about something. Well sir, I would also say so of you.
Because you're acting, by your math, a woman goes to the beauty salon once a year.
And that is not fucking true.
A woman goes to the beauty salon once a year and that is not fucking true.
I would think that they go in there every like three to four months.
White women and then I don't know. I don't know what black women do. I'm just basing on my wife. My wife goes more than that and I know in it's a fucking not only that it's a fucking all-day event.
And I know, and it's a fucking, not only that, it's a fucking all-day event.
But then if you want to shore up your argument, you then have to, you then have to
ask black guys how many times they go.
You know, as far as my experience, black dudes go there
on average once every 10 days. I would guess. Oh, you know what? Why do I need to guess? I have listeners.
You know what? What the fuck?
Let's open this up to everybody.
Alright ladies, how many times? And don't be honest.
So we can get a good fucking answer. Stop trying to fucking win.
I just want to know how often you go
I don't want to listen to you fucking talking about how much it costs because how much it costs also depends on where you go
All right, you're getting your hair highlighted in Beverly Hills. So if you're getting it fucking
Highlighted at the South Shore Plaza. That's the same procedure. It's two different prices
All right. So just tell me how often you go. White guys, how often you go?
Once a month, once every six weeks.
It all depends.
Then there's other people, they buy those fucking clippers
with a guide, and then they don't go at all.
I don't know.
That's interesting.
But it's also interesting too, if
out of all those six women there, I would be willing to bet that one of them doesn't pay for their beauty visits.
One of them, at least one of them has a man that is paying for their, if they're married, a hundred fucking percent, they're not paying for it.
The guy's paying for it.
All right.
And you can call that sexist or you can call that the God's truth. I don't give a fuck. I'm just saying my reality.
I love when my wife goes to the beauty salon. She comes home, she's fucking happy. You know?
And then I'm psyched to see her. She was gone for most of the day, absent makes the heart grow fonder and she comes in, she
looks even more gorgeous than she did when she left.
I don't give a fuck.
All right, shitty sequel idea.
Oh yeah, here we go.
This was the thing that I was talking about when I was on Thanksgiving.
We were joking about like doing sequels to movies that didn't need sequels and then just making them the worst fucking movie ever.
So we came up with one flu over the cuckoo's nest.
We came up with two flu over the cuckoo's nest.
This time he's keeping the sink.
All right.
And the whole movie was about the Indian after he threw the sink through the fucking window.
You know, whatever happened to the sink. And it turns out the Indian is emotionally connected to the sink and he runs away with it like a football. And then Tommy Lee Jones,
like in The Fugitive, is chasing him around the country.
You know, I mean, who doesn't want to see that movie? Anyway, shitty sequel idea.
Hey Billy Bats, got stoned with some good old Puerto Rican premium ganja and got a plot
for you.
I present Dooffellas.
In Dooffellas, the wacky sequel to Goodfellas, oh my God, can you imagine doing that?
Like Johnny Dangerously meets Goodfellas.
An older washed up noodles with ketchup eating Henry Hill watches in horror
as his inept son Jimmy tries to rebuild the family's mob legacy despite having no
skills.
Wasn't this the Sammy the Bull story?
Connections or common sense,
teaming up with his two equally clueless friends, Tony, two left feet, and
Vinny the vegan. Ha ha!
Vinny the vegan is amazing.
There's a question.
Have you ever met a full-blooded Italian that was ever a vegan?
How could you walk away from the mastery that is Italian cooking?
Jimmy embarks on a series of ridiculously low stakes crimes,
from robbing porch packages to attempting a heist on a truck full of Black Friday toasters.
Henry reluctantly steps in to help, only to make things worse.
In a chaotic comedy of errors, the
Hills must navigate their way out of the mess proving that sometimes the only
thing more dangerous than crime is sheer incompetence." He said, how about it?
Complete shit, right? I'm gonna get the papers, get the papers. Go fuck yourself, I love that! Oh god. Shitty sequel idea. Schindler's Wrist.
A sequel to Schindler's List about a man's struggle with carpal tunnel syndrome after writing a list.
Oh my god! That's better than any of the shit I came up with.
Dude, I have this theory that regular people are becoming funnier than fucking comedians.
The comments section on Instagram is second to none.
It's funnier than the Dave Letterman top ten list.
And that was professional writers back in the day.
Alright, letting go.
Hey, ol Billy Green shirt.
Writing from Canberra, the unknown capital of Australia.
Probably even said it wrong.
Need some advice.
That's the capital of Australia, I would have guessed Sydney or Melbourne.
Need some advice.
All is well in my life, but one thing that kills me on a daily basis is not letting things
go.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah, that's...
Oh yeah.
I'm sitting here.
Roasted.
Baking.
Boiling.
It's like a sauna.
Without going into details, I just struggle to forget old arguments or how I've acted
in certain situations. I find myself reliving these arguments or how I've acted in certain situations.
I find myself reliving these arguments or situations to the point where these people
are in my dreams.
It kills me.
How do you let shit go from your past?
As always, go fuck yourself.
Get some hobbies, brother.
Learn how to play some Van Halen on drums.
You'll be preoccupied. Now, how do you let go of things in your past?
I would talk to somebody about it.
I think the thing you wanna do first is to figure out
why you're still holding onto that stuff.
Like basically where that comes from.
Um, because a lot of things like you gotta let go of it.
Just breathe in, breathe out, right?
Write it down on a piece of paper and then you just crumple it up and
throw it into the wastebasket.
And it's like, that doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
So, um, the best thing you got going for yourself
right now is that you are aware that you're doing this and you're aware that
that's a problem and that is a major step to solving any problem, believe it
or not, because a lot of times you're in denial or whatever the problem is, it's so encompassing
that you don't even know you have it.
So I would talk to a therapist, dude.
If it's to the point that they're in your dreams, I would definitely go talk to a therapist.
And therapists are just like comedians.
Not all of them are good.
Prime example, the one you're listening to right now. So you got to make sure that you get the day of a tell of therapists as
close, as closely as you can.
Right.
So, um, that stuff is, is, um, that's a really important thing to do for your
quality of life, cause that shit will affect the one life you have.
And it also, you know, that can lead to like health problems and stuff, carrying stuff like that.
I used to do that.
I don't anymore.
And I went to years of therapy and that type of stuff, but I don't really carry a lot of shit.
I will say, you know, the times I've had problems with people is, you know, I used to do that, you're dead to me.
And I can tell you, when you do that, when you say somebody's dead to you, they're gonna live on in you.
That's what happens with that. You're dead to me. Fuck that guy. He's fucking dead to me.
Fuck her. She's dead to me. It's like, they're not.
What you need to do is, you know, what I find is, you know, if I run into them, I squash it, you know, and I just say,
listen, man, you know, I'm sorry this didn't work out anything.
And then you shake hands and it's over and it really helps you, you know.
So if you have all of these people that, you know, did something to you and like,
if you're of that ilk, which I, you know, I kind of, you know, always have vibed with
people from Australia because they have, you know, there's an anger down there.
They deal with their problems physically a lot.
You know, they get into fights and shit like that. And that like Massachusetts, like Australia is very Massachusetts.
You know, a bunch of fucking hilarious people,
a lot of them drinking too much and a lot of them solving their problems
physically and, you know.
You know, there's a lot of fucking trauma down there.
I mean, you think that the kinds of people that they brought down there to settle, you know, all these people that were like, I guess, you know, there's a lot of fucking trauma down there. I mean, you think that the kinds of people that they brought down there to settle, you
know, all these people that were like, I guess, you know, from the prisons in England, they'd
already gone through that and then they came there and then there was already people there
and then, you know, the usual fucking white guy shit happens with the fucking genocide.
You know, there's a lot of a lot of stuff going on there. So you live in a country like that.
Like there's a lot, usually a lot of repressive solutions to problems.
So, um, you know, I find I've, I learned this in like my thirties or if I ran
into an ex-girlfriend, I used to just like totally ghost them and not talk to them.
And the energy that that took, and then afterward,
you know, when they reacted to me not talking to them,
then they would do something like I was being a dick,
and then they would be cunty,
and then it just got it going again.
And then I would be walking down the street
out of the bar talking to myself.
Do you fucking think I give a fuck? I don't give a...
You know, I'd be saying that. You think I give a fuck.
As I'm walking down the street, still talking to this person who's not even there
so I
Would make like an effort
Even if you're not gonna run into him to just in your head forgive him and like
think about like alright, so they did this to me and
like think about like, all right, so they did this to me and empathize. Like, you know, I've done shit like that or I've done something like that or,
you know, what they did to me or said to me really had nothing to do with me.
It's the shit that they're going through and then say a prayer for them.
Like, I hope they get, you know, whatever it is that's going on in their life.
I know none of that fucking makes sense.
I'm not fucking praying for that fucking asshole.
I'm telling you, you're gonna carry it forever.
And then they end up having this grip on your life.
And you know what's amazing is none of them
are thinking about you.
They're moving on, you know,
unless you had like a real thing.
But a lot of times they don't even like, like I remember those
shows where they had these talk shows and these people would
confront their high school bully.
And it was just I could see it was just so not satisfying for
the person that got bullied, because they would go there and
the bully was just sitting there with this fucking look on his
face. And they would say, and I was in class,
and you said this about me,
and the bully would start laughing and just being like,
oh, I said, I don't remember saying that.
And then they're laughing like, oh, that's a good joke.
And then they still don't realize
that it hurt you or whatever.
And it's like,
like the person that got bullied just walks around
and carries it for fucking decades.
And the bully doesn't even remember they even did it like that's how much it
didn't mean to him which ends up making the victim even madder like how could
you walk around doing shit like that and it's just like you're not gonna get what
you want from this person it's a it's an internal thing which is a good thing for you because you can work all of this out by yourself.
And I don't know, that's kind of like what I was able to do.
And I'm actually proud to say like I still get into it with people,
but I don't like, I don't carry it and I don't have like this, you know, now I just look at it like going like,
all right, that was probably half me or maybe the way I joke this person doesn't joke that way, you know.
That person's a mess, I'm a mess, it didn't work out, but God bless them.
I hope everything that they want in life comes true.
And I'm telling you, it's a light feeling as opposed to being like,
no, no, fuck that guy. I hope that fucking guy, he can die a fucking ass cancer, that fucking guy.
Yeah, that shit, you're the one who's going to get ass cancer.
And that's one of the funny things about life.
All right. Okay, that's one of the funny things about life. All right.
Okay, that's the podcast.
I will check in on you on Thursday.
Go fuck yourselves.
And that's it.
That's all I got.
So I travel a lot.
I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right?
So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy.
And I want all the comforts of home.
That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible.
Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado and I was with my friends and we
were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs we were like let's just get an
Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence.
You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know, it's communal
living, it's just a less stressful place, more enjoyable experience. So when I go
on tour, you know, like I'll be going on tour in a couple months, I always am like
well could my place be an Airbnb? You know, just to have someone watching your
place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to
that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb
It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away
So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world
Turn your home into an Airbnb Give it a shot
You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be your home might be worth more than you think find out how much at
airbnb.ca
slash host