Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-1-16

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

Bill rambles about Girl Scout Cookies, Open Carry and Superbowl Analysis.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea Last time I got hammered was out here visiting me. It was like the second or third of January.

And I didn't drink for the rest of the month. Other than the fact I had eight beers left over from the Rose Bowl. So I just drank like one a day for eight straight days. Always wanting a second. Forget about a third and a ninth beer. But I just had one. That was it. So it's not bad for me.

You know, I went like three weeks without drinking in eight straight days. I only had one beer. And then yesterday I didn't have any beer in the fridge. I might have a Guinness left, but I didn't drink it. So, you know, we were out here. It was Sunday. It was fucking raining to beat the band. Is that the fucking expression to play the band?

I don't know what it was fucking pouring out here for like legitimately the almost the entire day, which is great. We could probably use about 90 more of those days, but it was good that that was happening. So I just fucking stayed home. Didn't do shit. Last time I did Joe Rogan's podcast, he gave me some elk meat that he had. He fucking killed an elk.

He murdered it. Premeditated the man got in his car said I'm going to kill a fucking out, but he didn't know which one. So we can only get him on second degree murder and I became an accessory to the murder. When I agreed to take some of the carcass off his hands. Now he just gave me these two like giant like softball sized things of elk and they've been sitting in my freezer. So I heard the meats really lean and that it could be a little gamey. So I just looked up some recipes and there was something there for like elk chili.

And so I made that yesterday and it was fucking delicious. Of course, the lovely Nia goes out there and be like, is this done? This doesn't look done. This doesn't. I guess I'm just not used to chili with this like consistency. This looks more like a stew because it wasn't any tomato paste in the recipe. It was still delicious. It was definitely a little more watery.

So she had to go out and go fuck with the whole thing. And I'm eating the one that I made and I'm enjoying it. She just keeps in like the other room just kept going like, yeah, I don't know. I just think it needs like more salt or whatever. And then finally I was just like, will you shut up? It's fine. Fucking time I go out in the kitchen. She fucking nitpicks whatever the hell it is that I'm making.

It's fucking unbelievable. She makes something. I eat it. It's good to go out there and go to the fucking spice rack. You know, it's rude. It's rude. So we got into it, you know, as we always do, right? Get into it a little bit.

Then she laughs telling me to go fuck myself. And then she gave me her version with the tomato paste. And you know what I say? Oh yeah, I see what you're saying. I like it. You know that? Guess what I really felt. I felt the first one tasted better.

She thickened it all up with this fucking tomato paste and then made it like sweeter. And, you know, did it to the whole fucking pot. So, you know, we had a giant pot of it. So I was like, well, I can handle what the fuck she did to it. If it's just mine, I got to eat the whole pot. So I just rolled with it. Just one of those times you just sit quietly and you nod. Yeah, okay.

That's what you did over there. All right. I'll approve that. You know. Anyways, underrated, elk meat. Got to throw it out there. Fucking delicious. So then we're fucking sitting there, right?

I take my dog out. There's a little break in the weather. So I take my dog around the block and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I come back in and he is like, hey, you know what? You want to have a pot cookie? And I was like, no, I don't. I got the podcast to do. I got some bills, mail and shit I have to do.

She's like, come on. It's fucking raining. We're not going anywhere. This is a perfect day to have a pot cookie. It's like, I don't like that shit. It gets me too fucked up. I feel like I'm hallucinating. I don't want to do it.

She goes, no, these are really mild. These are really mild. I know everybody out there who fucking consumes those things right now is laughing. No, they're really mild. So I go, all right, fine. So I fucking eat this thing. Right. And it comes on really slow.

It's mellow and I'm like, all right, I can deal with this. Just sort of just be chilling out and be relaxed. And then all of a sudden just fucking to the moon Alice. Right. It was like fucking tripping. Not like literally, but it was just like, you know, I closed my eyes and my feet would feel like they were nine miles away from me, you know, and that was it. I took it in the afternoon, like around four o'clock by five o'clock.

That was it. The day was over. So now here I am. I got a bunch of shit to do and I'm trying to cram this crap in there. I really don't like it. Pod heads idea of what mild is, is not, you know, now I'm sure I'm going to get a bunch of fucking get a bunch of fucking emails from people going like this. You want this sativaed fucking Asian infused strain of weed, man.

I still give a fuck. Right. I mean, I was like just, I was watching TV, just dying, laughing at everything that fucking came on there. My wife made some cornbread with the chili and I started doing like a cornbread commercial. You know, hey guys, what's better than a, than a bowl of chili? That's right. A nice piece of cornbread.

Hi. Do you know me? Of course. Sure. We all do. I was just doing that shit and I was the funniest shit ever to me and he was looking at me like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I'm like, what do you mean what's wrong with me?

You fucking drugged me. I swear to God, you know what I think it was? I think the horror of me being around for 24 hours with that weather, she got like capped fever and she literally drugged me because she was able to handle it fine, which is making me think she took less and she was just sitting there watching TV and I'm saying all this shit that's making me laugh and she's just sitting there totally quiet. I like, I got my bombing over here. She was just like, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying.

I'm just watching the show and I'm like, how are you that fucking like I'm still a little fucked up right now at 24 hours later. I don't know. So anyway, that's why I like alcohol. It slowly comes on. I know where it's going. Isn't like you grab a beer and use. I wonder what this does.

What's the end? This is a mellow drunk and then all of a sudden you get like fucking 20 times drunker than you wanted to be. I mean, that can start that can happen, I guess with hard stuff. I don't know. I just feel like the amount of fucking edibles you have to have to start to understand what they do to you. It's just not fucking worth it.

So that was my one pot cookie for the year. But anyways, I haven't had a cigar since the eighth. So I did it. I'm trying to be two cigar a month guy and I did it in January. I had one at the Rose Bowl and I had one on the eighth and then I got a whole fucking month ahead of me. So rather than smoking on the first, you know, I'm just going to fucking chill here for like a week to 10 days.

And I think I got two. I can smoke. I'm really just taking you through my whole fucking bad habit schedule here, aren't I? I was speaking of cookies, by the way. I bought two boxes of Girl Scout cookies from this lady. You know, it's never the Girl Scout anymore knocking on the door. Thank God. Thank God with all the to catch your predators, they probably got sick of getting the door

fucking slammed in their face. Ding dong. You open the door. Hi, I'm selling Girl Scout. Get slammed on the door. Fucking yelling at your dog. You saw nothing happen. So anyways, now they're just sort of sold by adults as far as I know.

I got two boxes of these fucking things. And I just finally realized the amount of time that I've always felt like the Girl Scouts made the cookies because they were called Girl Scout cookies and just somewhere, maybe in the middle of this country, somewhere around Fort Knox, like the United League of American U.S. Girl Scouts has their headquarters and they just had these giant tubs where they stirred up cookie batter once a year and they got them out. And after finally thinking about it and looking at the professional packaging, I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to say, I don't think any Girl Scouts make any of

those fucking cookies. I think they fucking outsource it, right? It's probably made by children in Central America. They sit there crying, how hard they have to work knowing they're never going to get a bite, you know, and then one of them actually steals a cookie and there's some psychotic disciplinary action that's taken. Let's Google this shit, huh? Shall we?

This is like the new segment now. You know, back in the days, you just talked, now I'm actually going to look it up here. Who makes Girl Scout cookies? All right. Girl Scout cookies. All right. Girl Scout cookies are cookies sold by Girl Scouts. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Wikipedia. Girl Scouts of the USA or GS USA as one of its major fundraisers for local Scouts units. Members of the Girl Scouts of America have been selling cookies since 1917. Girls who participate can earn prizes for their effort. Fuck you! That's my name. Alec Baldwin comes in and screams at him. All right.

The first cookies sales was by a scouting unit in the Mistletoe Troop in Oklahoma in December 1917 at their local high school. In 1922, Girl Scout Magazine, the American Girls, suggested cookie sales as a fundraiser, blah, blah, blah, blah. From 33 to 35, country-wise, organized cookie sales grew with troops in Philadelphia and New York City using the cookie selling model. So they're cooking their own ones. World War II, they sold calendars.

In 1990, the National Council limited the bakeries providing cookies to just ABC bakeries, a division of inner-bake foods. Oh wait, I skipped over something. 553 more cookie recipes were added, shortbreads, peanut butter sandwich, and thin mints, the classic. That's like the Beatles, Zeppelin, and the who of cookies. Six types of cookies were being sold nationwide. Greater cookie sales due to the Baby Boom generation.

They needed more. The Samoa was added in 75. All right, whatever. So ABC Bakers was making it in the 1990s. And Little Brownie Bakers, Little Brownie Bakers, a division of the Kieber Company. In 1998, cookie sale awards were instituted. With the 2005 trans-fat controversy, the Girl Scouts moved to make the cookies healthier and provide nutritional information on the box.

In 2009, the number of thin mints, dosy-dose, and tag-alongs in each box was reduced. Why? And lemon chalet creams became smaller because of the increasing cost of ingredients and transportation. All right, so they try to make them with less trans fats. Here's 10 weird Girl Scout cookie facts, and then I'll get off this fucking subject. I have dry mouth from that fucking cookie last night. Hey, when they legalize, like, pot at a federal level, do you think that they'll actually have

Girl Scout like pot cookies? You know, Jesus Christ, that'll be a field day. What is happening to this country? They're selling drugs. All right, number one, these cookies are older than your grandmother. That's not weird. It's not weird. Two, you can make the original recipe at home.

You can make the original recipe of everything at home if you know the recipe. If you feel like taking a trick back in time and baking some boring stuff. Oh, this must be one of these hipster sites where they're over everything, including making fucking cookies. You can try the authentic, or they actually like making the cookies, but they're anticipating being insulted. So what they do is they make fun of themselves first, so you can't. Authentic original Girl Scout cookie recipe.

It's not in the recipe, but they taste better if you dress up as a Girl Scout when you make them. Oh, that's a little internet joke. Only two companies make the cookies. Honey Boo Boo is banned from selling them. Thin mints aren't just delicious. They're mandatory. I don't know what that means.

There is a cookie queen and she's a master saleswoman. Oh, there's a non-sanctioned Girl Scout cookies weed strain. Of course, Girl Scout cookies used to cost less than a quarter. Everything costs less. There was a cookie shortage during World War II. Of course, not every cookie made the grade. Jesus, that was disappointing. All right, can I apologize for wasting the last fucking 50 minutes of your life talking

about Girl Scout cookies? Did anybody watch the NHL wall? Fucking three on three hockey, dude. It was actually pretty entertaining, but not quite as exciting as I thought it was going to be, because no one was going to take the body, dude. But it was still cool, and obviously seeing John Scott score a couple of goals. It's fucking hilarious that the NHL didn't want him in there. After all the money that they've made on fighting and all the shit that a goon goes through,

you know, the fact that the fans liked him enough to elect him into the game, right? Then he gets fucking traded, set down to the Midas, and they told him not to show up. Then he blogged about it like a seventh grade chicken. Everybody went, dude, what the fuck? And then he was there, and then he scored two goals. It was like a Hollywood fucking movie. Hey, any non-hockey fans, did you actually sit down and watch the All-Star Game? It's everything that you would have liked, huh?

A zillion fucking goals, no fighting, nothing physical. People smiling after running into one another. Was it dumbed down enough for you there fucking hoop heads? I actually only watched the first period. It appeared like the first period was only like 10 minutes long. Is that true, or was I under the influence of a pot cookie? But anyways, oh, exciting news here. Exciting news for me.

I'm actually doing a gig in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Now, Wyoming is the last state that old fucking Billy Redface has never performed in. And at this point, I will have performed in all fucking 50 states. And that being the fact that I don't know, I have a little of that OCD, right? Is that what it is? No, I don't know what it is. I just like, you know, at first I was like, you know, I'm going to go to every baseball stadium. Then it immediately goes, I'm going to go to every fucking stadium that exists.

You know, so if I start doing stand up and then it becomes, oh, I did, I've done three states. It's immediately, I have to do every state and then it becomes, I have to do every continent, you know, except for like Antarctica or like places that don't want me, right? But anyways, I'm going to be, I'm going to be in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I'm going to be, first of all, I'm going to be in Danver, Rocky Mountain, Ha, and please don't bring me any fucking pot cookies. All right. I don't enjoy the high.

I don't. Okay. There's too much on the 12th and 13th. I believe the 12th and 13th is Wyoming and Denver or Denver, Wyoming. I don't know which one. And then the 14th is Valentine's Day. And that's of course when young people go out because they're not smart enough to realize that, that you can say, I love you on any day of the year.

You know, it's a great day to go out, go out on like the 17th, you know, the 16th or the 19th or the 21st. Don't go out right before, go out after. Go out after. I say this every fucking year. You know, look at this. The Super Bowl this year is on the seventh and the fucking Valentine's Day is on the 14th. Now those are two absolutely absolute shit show days.

Now, obviously, if your own fucking football team is playing in the Super Bowl, you know, you're going to want to watch it with a couple other fans, right? However, that doesn't mean that you're going to go to one of those shit show fucking Super Bowl parties. So like I said, as always, take the fucking game, let it go for a good 90 minutes. Then you come in, you sit down, you blow through all the commercials, you blow through the fucking halftime show, fast forward through all of that shit. And then when the game really starts getting down to it, you know, you're caught right up. You'll catch up in like the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Then you can just kind of watch it in real time. It's fucking perfect. And you don't blow your whole afternoon. Oh, fuck! Sorry, guys. No more pot cookies for me. And then on the 14th, same thing. Just wait like two, three days after.

When you can get a fucking reservation, you can go to the restaurant you want to go to, and they have inject the prices up through the fucking roof. And then you're done, right? Here's a good one, right? Because guys, we usually don't get shit on Valentine's Day. So I suggest don't get your wife shit either. Just take her out to dinner and fucking leave it at that. And if she's like, I thought you were going to get me something else,

just be like, well, did you get me something else? And when she's like, no, you look at why I paid for dinner. That's it. And that guarantees that you'll be in a fucking awful fight on Valentine's Day. How you like that? See what I'm staring you towards? For the life of me, Bill Burr coming to Cheyenne Civic Center.

211. The fuck are you talking about? I can't be right. Bill Burr will perform at the Cheyenne Civic Center in Cheyenne, Wyoming on Thursday, February 11th. All right, so then on the 12th, I must be in Denver. Is that right? Jesus Christ, Bill.

Why don't you fucking know your own goddamn schedule? Denver. I ought to go skiing when I'm out there. You know, I ski once every 10 years. I really should take a lesson because that is just the blow you fuck. Yeah, the 12th. All right, so the 11th. Thursday, I'm in Wyoming.

And February 12th, I'm in Denver. Oh, that's how it is. Very nice. So there you go. The Cheyenne Civic Center. You know, they always have fucking rodeos and shit there, right? What goes on there? Toby Keith.

Cheyenne Civic Center. Civic Center. Let's be like some old ABA building. Images. Jesus Christ, look at Cheyenne. This looks like a fucking opera plays there. An opera bill. An orchestra.

The Cheyenne Civic Center. Going to Cheyenne, Wyoming. What are some of the great things that happened in Wyoming over the years? Huh? All the thing you always hear is bad stuff. Isn't that place where they tied that poor kid because he was gay to the fence until he died? This isn't good. They don't have any sports teams.

What the fuck am I going to Wyoming for? Wyoming. This is where Ted Turner can ride his horse all over the place and be like, I own that. I own that too. Get off of there. Or I'll take you out of your basic cable package. Take my fucking TV out of here. Don't ever start any shit with Ted Turner in Wyoming.

All right? Because he's going to come and arrest you and then he's going to be the judge and he's going to throw you in. He owns the whole fucking state, doesn't he? I believe he does, right? I don't know. Anyways, let's get to the fucking reads here for this week. Oh, Billy all over the place. All right.

What do we got here? The first read. Oh, look who's back, everybody. Sherries Berries. Must be a clam day coming up. Yes, it is. Valentine's Day is next week. Finding the right gift can be tricky.

Tell a personal story relating to Valentine's Day. Well, you know, I think it's bullshit. You know, I always hated it when I was fucking younger. I think everything's overpriced and everybody just sits there looking around at everybody. You know, and then somebody gets proposed to and they're like, oh my God. And then, you know, even if you're already proposed to the one you're with, they're still kind of fucking jealous and sad. You know, then you just sit there splitting a dessert.

That's the part I hate the most, just sitting there splitting dessert, because that means I've wanted to leave for at least an hour and 10 minutes. I just feel like you're distant tonight. Oh, here's an example of the story. Why you give Valentine's Day gifts, getting the wrong gift, getting the right gift, horror stories of waiting until the last minute, etc. I don't think you should get them a gift. I don't think you should get them anything more than cherries, berries.

The fuck are they getting you? Where is the copy for what the lady is going to get the guy? This is such a fucking bullshit. This whole holiday is completely fucking sexist. You know, I'd like to hear more of a little chatter from the fucking feminist ladies there about this. You know, why are you taking me out? Why don't I take you out every other year and then I get you a gift? Come on, ladies, let's have an even playing field, right?

All right, you want to give something unique that you'll love, but you don't want to spend a zillion dollars. You know, you want to say, hey, I'm really like you. You know, I really like you, but I'm not quite in love with you yet, but I'd like you to continue fucking me. What would be a perfect gift? Cherries, berries, freshly dripped strawberries from Cherries, berries starting at only 1999. That's over 40% savings.

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They're huge and dipped in white milk and dark chocolatey goodness, topped with chocolate chips, chopped nuts and decorative swithle. Delivery is always guaranteed. Oh, we'll get them there. We just don't know when. Here's the only way to get these amazing, this amazing Valentine's Day deal. Juicy, huge and freshly dipped strawberries starting at just 1999 or double the berries, you fucking whore, for $10 more.

Visit berries.com. Please spell out the word berries, B E R R I E S dot com. Click on the microphone in the top right hand corner and type in Burr, B U R R. Go to berries.com. Click on the microphone and enter my code today. B U R R. All right. Pro flowers.

Look who's here, everybody. Little candy and flowers. You ought to buy an old school outfit to a little derby three piece vest, three piece suit I should say with the vest, little pocket watch. All right. Pro flowers. Sometimes parentheses. Okay.

All the time. It's hard for us guys to say what we feel. What if there was a gift that said, said it for you? Jesus, see how sexist this shit is? You're too fucking dumb to say what you're thinking. Why don't we handle it while the bunch of shit we ripped out of the ground. Imagine a gift that was thoughtful, easy and she'd love and that set your message perfectly all in one.

Yeah, it's a beautiful flower. They're beautiful like you. You get it? I call that a win on Valentine's Day. Tell a personal story relating to Valentine's Day. Well, I always thought it was fucking bullshit. I always thought it was a bullshit fucking holiday. You know, you pay way too much money and then halfway through some other woman gets proposed to

and even if you already proposed to your woman, she's still looking over the like, I don't feel like I'm the fucking queen of the ball. They really like these personal stories. Example, why you give Valentine's Day gifts getting the wrong gift. Jesus, the same people write this shit. Pro flowers are the flower pros that make Valentine's Day easy. Trust pro flowers and get this year done right. Pro flowers is offering my listeners plus any other podcast they advertise on.

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It's a no brainer. Here's the only way to get amazing Valentine's, the amazing Valentine's Day deal, including the free chocolates. Go to proflowers.com, click on the blue microphone in the top corner and type in burr. That's proflowers.com, click on the microphone and type in my code burr. You must order by Friday at midnight in order to get this deal. Wow, that's going to be an issue, huh? They're cutting right into sherry's berries.

Sherry's fucking berries. Well, there's only one more here, so I might as well plow through it. No, no, there's two more. All right, we'll split it up. We'll split it up. You know, I was actually debating watching the Super Bowl by myself and doing a little bit of commentating during the game. You guys seem to enjoy that.

Maybe I'll do commentating during the shittiest, most boring parts, but then I'd have to sit and watch it, like whoever's opening. And I know Sting's playing the halftime show, and as much as I want to go see him and Vinnie Caliutas on my bucket list, like, that's not the right band. If I halftime at the Super Bowl, huh? Every breath you take And every move you make He's going to have to go more uptempo shit.

What do you think Sting's going to play from his repertoire? Huh? Anything off ten summer tails? But that's not the queen of my heart. No, that's not the shape of my heart. Oh, he can't play that song. Bow down now, but double, double Bow down now, now, now.

What song was that? Bow down there, go. The fucking song was that. Then there was a song about the brothers. The one that he was a coward. None of that is going to play well. He'll probably play synchronicity. Right?

You had a football game. That stadium rock to just sit there going, Whoa! A bunch of old baby boomers singing along. A bunch of kids going, that's not dubstep. Yeah, dude. I want to fast forward through all that shit. Yeah, I'm thinking about maybe commentating on some of that stuff.

I'll just do like, maybe I'll just do like three minutes of the game. You know, because I think it'll get boring after a while. You know, at least if I'm going to get bored of myself, I would think that you guys would get bored. No. All right, let's plow through here. I don't have any booze in the fridge. So I'm just, I guess the month of,

I sort of half ass committed to this. Like not boozing. Is that a bad thing? What the fuck is the other? Oh, there it is. Sorry. Talked about everything. Pot cookie raiding out here, shine.

Oh, I haven't been on the fucking road in weeks. So I might be doing wink, wink. Oh, I am doing a show this week. That's right. Dean Del Ray, Del Ray at the L Ray. Oh, Jesus. A night of comedy and rock. Dean Del Ray's 50th birthday party.

He's going to have, you know, he's going to have Joe Rogan, Chris Delia, myself. I know there's a couple other comics. Red band is going to be down there. And I want to say, I want to say there's maybe one other comic. And then after that, Dean Del Ray is going to front a band that will include the likes of Rudy Sarzo, Dave Kushner, Dave Lombardo,

Tracy Guns, Gilby Clark, all these rock stars. And he's going to sing the entire Highway to Hell album. And Oh, Billy Redface might sit in for a song or two, but it's going to be a great night. You can get tickets at goldenvoice.com. And also, I might be doing a surprise show somewhere locally because I got to run my hour. So when I go to Cheyenne, Wyoming,

when I get out there, check out the spread. I want to make sure they're going to be on my game. I don't want people in the crowd being like, what the fuck, man? You made us wait to be number 50 for that bullshit. Walking around in the John Denver fucking sheep coats, right? Got the sheep lining. Rocky Mountain, Colorado.

Bill, we don't talk like that. We'll talk like this. That's what Wyoming's all about. I'm going to the Capitol, man. Do they have open carry in Wyoming? You know, I made such a big deal about open carry in Texas. And it turns out that they've had it in Oklahoma for years and there hasn't been a fucking problem.

So that's kind of a non-story. And then again, I think that kind of adds to the touristy vibe of going to Texas and seeing people walking around with holsters. You know, maybe you can see somebody have a fucking shootout over like a parking space, a duel, right? Draw. Yeah, worst case scenario, just a bunch of people that I don't know die, which is considering with global warming and overpopulation,

I think it's a good thing. They should have open carry. They should have everywhere. Everybody strapped. They would probably actually end up being safer when you think about it. Because I know like New York City, for as much as everybody talks about how dangerous it was, I just found on the subways where all of a sudden

you were riding in the car with fucking everybody. It's all mixed up. There was a certain level of heightened courtesy because you didn't want to have a fucking problem. It's the subway. It's New York City. You can get mugged. You can get the shit kicked out of you.

So people fucking minded their business. So I think if you had a whole state of everybody walking around with a gun on their hip, somebody cut you off in traffic, I could yell you fucking asshole, but if you start shooting at me, that's okay. Go ahead, buddy. I mean, I have a gun too, but what if I miss and you don't?

By all means, go in front of me. Like if somebody's being weird to you and you're at one of those ATMs that's on the outside of a building, yeah, it's a very nervous moment for you. But if you're in your car and that same person cuts you off, you're, you're all fucking kicked the shit out of you,

you fucking dickhead. You're all tough in your car, which can lead to road rage. Now, if you know that that guy has a gun, he could just simply, you know, point it out the side of his car and just shoot in the general direction of your car. You figure at the very least,

he's got to hit the radiator, right? You can have that steam coming up like in every fucking movie. Just a good old boy, right? You're probably going to mind your fucking business. Maybe that's the secret to ending all wars. Everybody's strapped and you have the gun out. You just walk in and every time you just walk,

you just, the gun's already pointed at somebody. How you doing? I'm doing good. How are you? All right, that's great. You know, keep the conversation short and sweet. I think I just solved all of our problems, right? Everybody's strapped with a loaded gun out, pointed at somebody,

safety off cause you'd be more relaxed, you know? Although you couldn't have safety off because then when people fell asleep, you know, it's like falling asleep while, you know, smoking, you can light your bed on fire. You might squeeze off a route, which doesn't even make sense, right? Because you got to put pressure on it,

unless you're having one of those dreams, you know, you have one of those dreams where you're falling or somebody just gives you a leg sweep, sweeps your leg force, whatever reason. And if you fucking tense up, maybe then you shoot yourself in the foot. I bet podiatrists would be off. I bet they're all for open carry, you know?

The foot doctors. All right, you want me to do some reads for this week here? Let's get into it. Where are we? Come on, Bill, for God's sakes. I was on the right one to begin with. Oh, hey, by the way, does anybody know, like, when a fucking, for whatever reason,

you download an album off of iTunes, and then for whatever reason, it just sort of disappears off of your phone and then fucking reappears because you haven't hooked it up to the computer, you know what I mean, with your phone, and that makes it legitimately on your phone rather than just going through the air

or whatever the fuck's going on, right? You know, because you got the Wi-Fi on and then the Wi-Fi shuts off and then the album disappears. So then you're old like me, so you download it again and then you got that album and then the first one comes back.

And now you got doubles. How do you get rid of the other one? I've gone into my iTunes and I've gone to delete it, but on my phone it's still in doubles. I don't know how to do it. So the song ends and then it replays again. It plays everything twice.

That happened to me with Van Halen in 1984 and that Nas album, Illmatic. As much as I love both of those albums, I don't need both songs to play twice. How do I get rid of the other one? If anybody can tell me, I would really appreciate it. All right.

Okay, Kanye's situation. Hey Bill, red-blooded American male here who heard about the Kanye situation and was scared shitless. I'm not going to disclose whether or not I enjoy what he was accused of enjoying. Parentheses, if you don't know the story, his ex Amber Rose implied on Twitter

that he enjoyed a finger in his ass. Actually, it was fingers plural. Yeah, I didn't hear about this fucking story and it made me feel good as a human being that I was somehow out of the loop of this fucking news. He said, this scared me because it doesn't matter what you're into. If an ex says shit like that,

you're going to get branded. Sir, you sound like your ex put a vase in your ass. Anyways, he goes, it's how urban myths about gerbils get started. Unless you're fearless Jim Norton and you can say something like that with a smile on your face on the airways, it's a pretty tough situation to be in.

How does a man like Kanye deal with that? I don't know. I started to read it, but if it is true, I don't give a shit. It's really none of my business. Before I could tell from the article, he was talking shit about her. Now, if she had half her hand up his fucking ass at some point,

it's probably not a smart idea if he's sensitive about that part of his sexuality to be talking shit, right? Which makes me kind of believe him that it didn't happen. Because you figure if she had that over him, if she was walking around with him like a sock puppet, right? That he wouldn't go around talking shit about her.

I don't know. I got to be honest. It's one of those things that I legitimately feel is none of my fucking business. And whether it's true or not doesn't make me look at Kanye one way or the other. I mean, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit what the guy does.

And I also think... I don't think you walk around talking shit about someone you used to go out with. Didn't work out, fucking grow up. You're already married. You found somebody else. Leave him alone, right? I don't know what happened,

but all I know if it's true that he was talking shit about her, I probably should stop saying talking shit when we're talking about a finger up your ass. You know, having said all that, it's fucking hilarious. I would think that there's a lot of rival rappers right now trying to write down words that rhyme with the phrase fingers up your ass. Lingers in the class with fingers up your ass.

I'm sorry, I don't know. There's got to be something that they're coming up with. That's an easy one too. If I was a rapper and somebody said that my ex put fingers up my ass, all I would be thinking was like, God damn it, why didn't she say rectum? At least make it difficult to rhyme something.

Rectum, check them. You checked them fingers up your rectum? No, fingers checked them. They're all clean going up your rectum. Sorry. Anyways, classes. I like that, that's 100% on him. What about her with her stinky fingers now?

Jesus Christ, you got to go with the fist bump now when you run into Amber. Give her the old elbow. You want to stay away from that? Get a fucking tetanus shot. Funny if you shook her hand and then all of a sudden you just started fucking talking shit about yourself the way Kanye does.

Alright, classes in high school. Hello, you orangutan looking motherfucker. I guarantee that this guy is the ugliest motherfucker. I really find that people who trash the way I look the most, especially on Twitter, never have their picture. I don't look like an orangutan, do I? They're fucking older. They look like old people in a house coat.

I am a senior in high school. Yeah, like a kid. Well, you're probably 18 at this point, you punk. This may seem childish to talk about, but I've been thinking about dropping one of my classes. This class is Music Theory AP. And I'm a straight B student, so I'm no genius. I talked to my teacher and guidance counselor

who both said it was fine to drop it. Music theory being a unique class. What was that appendix right there at the end there? That was all part of that sentence? Anyways, recently I came into school thinking that was this shit. I came into school thinking that this shit was over and I wouldn't have to take the class anymore.

I'm going to have the assistant principal of my school tell me that I would not be able to drop. At this point, I'm frustrated because I'm very unhappy in the class and the only one separating me from dropping the class is my prick of an assistant principal. Should I sack up and finish the rest of the year or should I stand up from my case and become a stubborn prick in the process?

The class gives me anxiety and I'm not really into music anymore. I'm thinking about picking up a second English class. If the principal doesn't let me drop the class I would probably end up skipping it every day because I hate the class that fucking much. Am I in the wrong? Any advice would be great, Bill.

Thanks and go fuck yourself. When I was a kid, when you went to high school you couldn't drop classes. That happened in college. You're a senior, it's February. Don't you get out in like the middle of May? And if you transferred, you have to make up the first two semesters or whatever the fuck it is.

September, October, November and December and January worth of shit in your second English class. I just tough it out. It's music theory. That sounds boring as shit. But whatever, just tough it out. That's what I would do. I mean, I would rather tuck up tough.

I mean, maybe I'm just speaking about myself personally, but I'd rather tough out music theory than take another fucking English class, but that's me. Yeah, dude, just fucking tough it out. What's it giving you anxiety for? It's a music theory teacher. It's not like they're going to be like,

it's like the football coach is teaching it, is he? Yeah, fuck it, tough it out. That seems like a class that even if you just halfway pay attention you can at least get a C, right? I don't know. Dude, this fucking, this fucking hangover from this goddamn cooking. I mean, I fell asleep last night at like 6 o'clock.

I slept for like 12 fucking hours. I'm still exhausted. All right, being stung by shit. Hey, Billy big freckle balls. I love how you guys think I sun my nuts. Your last podcast touched on being stung by spiders and shit, and you touched on stingrays. Those fucks that killed Steve Irving.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He fucked with them and the thing felt like it had to defend itself. All right, I'll tell you right now, the rejoicing that wildlife did overall when the crocodile hunter got killed. I mean, the level of stress that he brought, every animal that he came into contact with. See, he's hunching up, he doesn't like that.

The thing is in fear for its fucking life. And you're going up and you're fucking with the things, you know, in your little fucking booty shorts. Anyways, he goes, I'm Canadian, and I spent five minutes in an American ocean and was stung by a stingray. Well, all of your oceans are American too. You live in North America.

But I guess once you say you're Canadian, I'm United. Okay, I'm a Canadian. I spent five minutes in an American ocean and was stung by a stingray. It felt like a hot nail being driven through my foot and the pain went up and up for hours. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Let that be a lesson to all the listeners that stingrays are not something to be fucked with. Nothing can describe that pain. It was insane. Love the podcast, Fuck You in Boston because they win so fucking always. Because they win so fucking always. Yeah, well, you know,

this is the thing. We're not supposed to be in the ocean. Okay, I'm going to say that again. We're not supposed to be in the ocean. We can't breathe in there. We can't see what's beneath us. We're completely vulnerable when we go in there. We're not supposed to be in there.

That stingray has evolved to fuck up things that belong in the ocean, all of which are way bigger and way faster. Generally speaking, some giant fish goes to fucking kill the stingray. It's got to have enough juice and a shank to make a shark go away, I would think. So yeah, you come walking in.

You fucking pink feet come walking in there. If you're white, right, you go in there and you did just, yeah, it's over. I'm surprised they don't got enough juice to kill you. Because I know Steve Irving, what happened to him is he got stabbed in the fucking hide. I think it punctured his heart. What are the odds of that?

I wonder what his fucking last thoughts were. He's like, ah, really fucking stingray? Or is he just thinking, ah, let me just pull this out. I'm sure they'll be fine. Oh, that's artery blood. All right, love the podcast. You know what's funny, somebody in Australia is going to be offended that I'm actually fucking talking,

like they haven't thought about this shit. Wasn't it like 10 years ago? What is the statute of limitations when you deliberately go and fuck with a stingray and get killed by it, that you can't keep talking about it? Beer drinking contest advice. Dear Billy Beerbong.

I'm a big fan, man. I listened to your podcast for a couple of years now, and I had the chance to see you, Verzi, and Bartnick at the Chicago Theater. Great show. So I've been roped into a beer-drinking Olympics, parentheses for charity, by a buddy of mine. And being that I'm an old fuck,

not quite where you are, I'm 38, I was wondering if you have advice in terms of longevity. Back story on me. I'm a Canadian pocket-square-wearing Habs fan. I know, fuck me, right? I don't give a shit. As long as you have a sense of humor about yourself. That can really hammer them back. Beer is my first choice when I drink,

as I assume is yours. What would you do to get ready for something like this? Thanks, and go fuck yourself. Well, you got to, I would think, aren't there going to be different events? You know, there's got to be drinking beer, there's got to be drinking hard stuff. Is it all just going to be beer drinking?

Wait a second. I was wondering if you have any advice in terms of longevity. All right, as far, I thought you meant how to live long. Do you mean how to hang in there? Well, if it's a beer-drinking contest, then I would just drink hard stuff leading up to it. You know, a couple of beers and have like your shots too, you know? I don't know, build up your tolerance?

This doesn't seem like this is a responsible thing for me to be telling you to do. I would just go there and have a good time. That's what I would do, and I wouldn't try to win a medal. You don't want to be the guy that wins that. The guy that wins that's going to have like fucking rosacea on the side of his face from booze, and you know, it's going to look like fucking WC fields.

You don't want to be the guy that can win that contest. I would say just go there and have a good time, you know, and stop short of being the guy that fucking pukes all over everybody. That would be my advice. All right, let me do the last reads here really quickly and then I'll do the last question. As I'm fucking trying to shake off this goddamn yawning

from that fucking cookie, I'm like overtired here. All right, oh, hey, have you guys been watching any of the Super Bowl pregame? Why would you? Are they doing the old man versus the young man? If I'm a Denver Broncos, how do I stop Cam Newton of these Panthers of the fucking Carolina? The thing about Cam Newton is this guy

is one of those rare talents that just can hurt you on every level. He covers receivers, no problem. This guy's going to run it. You're going to rush this guy? You can't bring him down with just one guy. You're going to stand there and stare at him? He's going to pick you apart.

I'll tell you right now, I would not want to have this job as being a coach over these Denver Broncos defense. Mike, what do you think they're going to do? Well, I think the key to the game is Denver has to get the ball and they have to score early. They got to score often. Their best hope to control Cam Newton is to take the Panthers out of their game plan.

If they're playing catch-up all night, you know, with that Denver defense, and don't take, you know, I know Peyton Manning's older, but this is still Peyton Manning, okay? It's his last game. I'll tell you right now, he's a competitor. He's going to get out there. And although the Panthers have a good defense,

they still are a young defensive unit, okay? And you watch that to come into play, especially after they make their halftime adjustments. Is that about it? Something like that? They're going to try to exploit the thieves. What about special teams? What about Peyton Manning's wife taking HGH?

What are the odds of that? Dollar Shave Club, everyone. Lots of players will be sporting playoff beards now that the postseason's here. Can you imagine if Giselle was getting fucking HGH sent to the house? I'm sure that story would just disappear after a couple of moments.

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All righty. Mercifully, it has ended. All right, let's get back to... I've got one more read here, and then I've got to wrap this fucker up. It's time for me to go. All right. Dating in the workplace,

AKA, no, jeez, jeez. Billy Fuckboy Burr. Oh, hey, by the way, I finished the second season of Top Boy. I highly recommend it. All right, there's a lady in my workplace that I have a huge crush on, but I fucked everything up by drunkenly telling her best friend

at a company holiday party that I had a crush on her. I say fucked up because I know how females communicate. I might as well have just walked up to the girl I had a crush on and told her. I know from a past job that dating in the workplace fucks everything else up at work. I told myself I'd never do it again.

But for some reason, my brain couldn't say no to this girl. Anyway, I know this girl knows I like her from her best friend, and it made our work dynamic awkward just because when we interact now, both of us feel like we have to fulfill some sort of role. Well, you should have just walked up to her and said, hey, I got a little drunk.

I said some things to your girlfriend that I should have said to you. I can't say that. That's too forward. Oh, the office just makes it creepy. You can't lean on anything as you're talking to her. You might as well just be standing there rubbing your balls. Ah, that's the situation. One day I said fuck it,

and half asked her out to an art museum, but she had friends in town said she couldn't. What pisses me off is that I used to hang out with my coworkers and this girl every now and then. Now no one invites me to hang out when they do. Background on the company, it's under 100 people, and we're all in our 20s for the most part. What's the best way to pursue this girl in this situation,

and how do I mentally handle the fact that it's affected my ability to hang out with my coworkers? I really want closure to this thing, whether it be a date, whether I date her or she tells me she's not interested, I don't care at this point. I really don't like the tension at work. So yeah, which says to me,

you don't really even like this girl. Like I just want to ask around and get rid of the tension. She says yes, so she says no, I really don't give a fuck at this moment. This is what you do. This is what you do, sir. You just fucking blow it off. Just blow it off, you don't give a shit.

Just act normal around her. All right, then she'll be going like, oh, he doesn't give a fuck, and then she'll probably end up being interested in you, you don't give a fuck at work, all right? Don't hang out with the people you work with. Fuck someone you don't work with. You need to create a social circle outside of work.

The people at work should be the people you see Monday through Friday, okay? And then once Friday, see you later, guys. Take it easy. What are you doing? I'm getting the fuck away from you, all right? Then you go out, you can do your fucking black tar heroin or whatever the fuck you want to do, and then there's no awkwardness at the copier, all right?

You already said you've fucked somebody that you worked with before and how that made your last job awkward, yet here you go again, and for some reason, you're not even in a relationship yet, and it's already fucking up your, just your interaction with your coworkers, yet you want to pursue this thing?

Dude, I would just let it go. Just let it go, and listen, if you want to fuck somebody at work, don't try and fuck them, all right? Just come in with a big smile on your face on Monday, and nobody knows what the fuck you did, and they're all hanging out with each other, they're all gossiping with each other,

and eventually they're going to be gossiping about you. Hey, I wonder what he does. What's up with his exciting life, you know? And you're coming in, looking like you're out there banging away and fucking having a great time going out in the town. Eventually one of these broads is going to be fucking interested enough, and then you know what?

Fuck her, and then it's going to be awkward again. Can't do it, dude, you got to have a fucking, you're social, sir, you're fucking and you're drinking and all that, it has to be outside of work. Unless it's a guy, okay? It cannot be, you cannot fucking hang with women that you work with, you can't do it, because eventually your dick's going to make you say

something stupid, something's going to happen, well, that's going to get in the fucking way, and it's just going to be a big, be a big goddamn problem. Same thing, don't hang out with your boss either, hang out with someone that's on your fucking level. And even then, dude, I wouldn't hang out, don't hang out with people you work with. Something always ends up happening,

maybe you do something dumb, and then your buddy can't keep his fucking mouth shut, and then it gets to somebody, and then you're up for your review, you don't get as much money, you get passed over, it's fucking stupid, you're in your 20s, you're going to make a bunch of fucking mistakes, so don't do it with the people you work with.

All right, have I said that enough times? All right, having said that, you want my Super Bowl pick, I actually like the Broncos with the points, if they're getting six, and don't listen to me, because I don't know anything about the Broncos' coach, but I know Bill Belichick with Peyton Manning in that defense

could figure out a way to beat the Carolina Panthers. And I know a lot of you guys are thinking, well, that defense and that coach and Peyton Manning just beat your Patriots and Bill Belichick, and it's like, well, he didn't have the team, you know? My only concern is that Denver's defense isn't as good as it looked against the Patriots, because we had that Swiss cheese fucking offensive line,

we had injuries all that year, and Carolina looks really healthy, their offensive line looks really healthy, so I don't know. I think that bullshit that I actually said earlier where I was making fun of those analysts is actually what I think. Denver better hope they win the toss,

and I would say take the ball rather than deferring it, and hopefully you march down the field, score seven, give them a three and out. I literally think that they then need to score again. Go up 10-nothing. This is my keys to the game. Denver win the toss, they need to go out there,

and somehow get it done, and choose heads if it's going to be heads, tails if it's going to be tails. Then they got to take the fucking ball, ram it down their fucking throats. Yeah, just obvious shit. Nice time-consuming drive, and establish the run.

I think Peyton can do alright against their defense, if he has the fucking time. See, there's no way to say, really, Bill, what if he doesn't have the time? Does that make it more difficult? This is really hard. It's really hard to say something that isn't cliched. My concern as a Broncos fan

is that the Panthers get the ball, they march right down the field, and they score because what's his face? Peyton Manning is gloom and doom guy. That guy gets that look on his face, Peyton Face is what me and my family used to call it, where he just purses his lips and he starts looking down the field,

shaking his head as he takes his fucking chin strap off, after yet another three and out. That's the headspace Panthers want to get him in. If he gets into that, why isn't everybody as good as me? Mindset, it's fucking over. So in order to keep him happy, you say that they got to score early,

I'm back to that again. Jesus, maybe I'll come up with something on Thursday. There you go, everybody. I take the Broncos in the points. I take six points, fuck it, because every cunt out there is going to take the Panthers. Every cunt out there is going, dude, the Panthers are going to fucking destroy him.

That's when you want to go the other way, because whatever that means, that every fucking shit out there is going to put money on the Panthers, will keep going up, because Vegas is going to want to get money on both sides of the ball. Thank you, Bill, like we didn't know that.

Oh, fuck you. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves, and don't fuck anybody you work with. You