Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-14

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

Bill rambles about training for the iron cross, ADD and Olympic Hockey.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Yes, I know, I realize the podcast is actually air quote on time this week.

Okay, don't even start that shit, it's never late. Alright? I always tape on Monday mornings. That's why I call it the Monday morning podcast. You fucking myopic cunts. Alright, the only reason why you're getting at this early on Monday is because I'm taping it on Sunday. The only reason why I'm taping it on Sunday, which I shouldn't even be doing because it's a day of rest. Alright?

It's a day to sit back after a week of farming. Give you fucking oxen, some oats, whatever you feed them. Hey, is that what you feed them? I don't want to fuck you feed them. Alright? All I know is they're fucking jacked and then you never see them fucking drinking a protein shake, do you? People who drink protein shakes, you know something? Years later, when you get the powder cancer, I don't want to hear about it.

Okay, you're drinking a goddamn powdered shake. What are you, on the fucking Jetsons? Sit down and have a pork chop like the rest of us. These fucking idiots, they're these goddamn workout people. First you go out there and you dress like the Green Lantern. Then you take out your little fucking powdered thing, your little thing and you shake the thing up. Then you suck it down. Just have a fucking salad.

Dude, you know, pissed off those people who were selling the twat of nature were at me. They were actually upset. So they won't be on my podcast anymore. They were mad. They were mad. Is this selling that box full of lies? Yeah, you get hungry in the afternoon. Yeah, gee, what do I do?

You can have a fucking banana. You can have an apple. You're going to be fine. Watch the pounds melt off. I don't need you to come over with your tray of snacks. Cigarettes, cigarettes, cigarettes. Now fuck out of here. Okay, and shame on you for going in order in that shit, you lazy fucking tub of shit.

I'm sorry. Now I know you're not supposed to fat shame, but you know, it's time we start fucking some point, you got to tell them to like, look, I know you can't see your bootstraps, but you still should try to reach down and find them and pull them up over your fucking meaty, fat, flabby shoulders. All right. You ate your way into this situation. You can eat your way out.

Just do everything that you were doing the opposite way. It's like playing a record backwards, except now you're playing it the right way. You've been listening to it backwards. Right? You got to have it going the other way. Oh, this has some broccoli and Brussels sprouts. Isn't that a nice song? Oh fuck.

I hate taping on Sundays. I'm not funny on fucking Sundays. There, I admit it. Just like God, I need a rest. I don't have time for this shit. I don't have time to be silly on a fucking Sunday. Okay. I worked all goddamn week.

Do you not have any microphones? I had to fucking take out of a mic stand this week. Do you understand how sore my wrist is for fucking, hey, how you guys doing? All right. All right. Keep it going forever. The fuck was just on the front of me. All right.

How's it go? Oh, look at this guy. Huh? This guy's got snaps on his shirt. Oh, the button's too hard for you. I'm the smartest guy ever. Fuck his job. Look at me.

I'm amazing. I got to do that every fucking night. On Sunday, I give it a rest. I don't say funny things on Sundays. So you're probably asking yourself, well, Bill, then why don't you just do it on fucking Monday? I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because my wife is actually sick. She's got a 24-hour virus, which I did not think was contagious.

I thought she had food poisoning. It was what I thought was. So I was laying next to her in bed. We're using the same fucking bathroom. So basically, I'm probably going to get sick in the next 24 hours. So what I'm trying to do is get this podcast out before shit starts coming out of me on both ends, if you know what I mean. All right.

I got the wife upstairs. I'm downstairs. I feel like my wife got bit by a zombie, you know, and I have her upstairs chained to the Devon point there, and I'm just waiting to see if she's going to turn. All we need is Brad Pitt in here, telling us what to do. We got ourselves a goddamn movie. Yeah. So that's why this thing's actually out early.

And once again, fuck all you guys. It'll be like, I hope she gets sick every week so it can be on time and fucking. I wish the twat of nature on anybody who says that. All right. Sorry, that was me. It was all mean. So anyways, this is the podcast for this week. Has anybody been watching the Olympics?

Olympics, Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing. I actually, I really enjoy watching the Olympics. I like just watching the games. I don't like all the other horseshit, you know, all the journalists complaining that the

water isn't running and all that type of shit. I mean, am I the only guy who watched all those Cold War movies coming up? When I was growing up, you know what it's like over there? You got the haves and you got to have nots. There's like 20 people who have some shit over there and everybody else is getting fucked. It's, it's unbelievably corrupt. You know what's going on over there? You know, I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck's going on over there. I just want to watch the fucking games. You know, I get it. I get it. I don't see gay people the way that they should. I mean, why would they? They don't even have running water over there. I'm surprised they're not clubbing women over their head and dragging them down the street

by their fucking hair. Have you read some of the shit that they've said about gay people? I mean, it's like, is this from the 1800s? Some guy in the Russian government, this is what he said. He also told gay visitors to not touch the kids. Like he's confusing pedophiles with gay people. I'm fucking real. No wonder the water's not running over there.

Now listen, I don't want to take a bunch of pot shots at Russia. I don't want to do this because for some fucking reason, I actually like them. I miss them. They were fun. It's like when the Red Sox are good and the Yankees suck. It's no fun. And for like the last, I don't know, 20-something years, they've been, they're in a rut right now.

They're like the Michigan Wolverine football program. Like what the fuck happened? What are you going to get good again? And it's starting to get to the point like fuck, are they going to turn this around? So I don't know. I don't even know what to tell you. I don't understand how you can have the technology to blow up the world and then you still not understand humanity at that point, right?

Don't they get Will and Grace like translated over there? Can't they see that there's nothing to worry about? Have you guys watched any of the games? I actually watched some of the cross-country skiing. And I don't know if I'm in some of the speed skating. Like I watched the snowboarding. I think it's fucking amazing. But after a while, it just looks like they're all doing the same trick.

Okay. And I don't need a bunch of shit from people in their teens and 20s with half your head shaved and the rest of it looking like a comb over. I get it. I'm old. I can't tell the difference. I'm a backside, fakey and a fucking Gumby Twizzler with 360, whatever the fuck. I don't know.

I'm amazed. I don't know how they do it, but I can only watch like four runs that, you know, it just all looks the same. I don't know what they're doing. You fucking, you go down the hill, you jump on the railing or the banister, whatever it is, you do a little grindy thing. And then you land and then you come in and then you fucking do a little whoopty doopty do.

You grab it. You grab the board with the hands. That's a big move. This is me trying to explain it. And I also learned that when you go to land, you're actually looking up the hill. You have your head looking up there. I've seen my, I would have looked down the hill. He's supposed to look up the hill.

All right. I've learned that. And I don't know. Then you do a lot of high fiving and hugging of other, other people that you're trying to beat for some reason. There's a lot of camaraderie in that sport. Other than that, I don't know shit about it, but the speed skating I like and cross country screen, go figure.

I like that shit because it makes me want to go work out. Like I was watching the women doing it and I'm like, they are burning so many calories. I don't even have titties anymore. Can you imagine? I could get rid of the giant titty that's right above my pubes. If I started cross country, country skiing, that's what I'm getting out of it. Dude, these women were flying. Okay.

Up the goddamn hill and then downhill. They actually, they said this year they might actually hit speeds of 50 miles an hour and they are so fucking exhausted by the end of it. You cross the finish line. They, they, all of them collapse and just fall in this snow like they were going to make a snow angel and then they just passed out from too much booze or something and then they're laying on the fucking ground doing that shit. I'm just like, I don't know.

There's something about it. You know what it is? I'm not fast. So I like endurance shit, you know, gymnastics and that type of shit. Try having a hang from some doing iron cross. Like I look at that stuff and I actually think like, you know, if I tried to do that long enough, I could do it. I couldn't do it at an Olympic level, but I could do it.

All right. I can watch a guy run a 440 all day long dunk of basketball. I hit a fucking home run in a major league stadium. I'm never going to be able to do that shit. Did I just say I could do an iron cross? Maybe I'm already getting sick right now. Maybe I'm a fuck you. I could do it.

All I need is some rings and an old tree to hang them from. Oh my God. Can you imagine? What is the muscle you tear trying to fucking do that? Let your lats. I wonder how long that takes a bit of strength. All right. So all you would do, you'd fucking hang them from the tree.

You know, once your wife is like, don't hurt yourself. Once you get through that, you know, you people with kids, I'm just putting it up for the kids. Don't worry. I'll put some mats down and we'll put some leaves here. They'll be fine. I figure what you got to do, you have things hanging down and you got to get into the dip position first.

And then what you do is you gradually start bringing it out. And then when you start feeling the fire under your armpits, you bring it back real quick. And just every day you go out there or every other day and you try to go a little bit farther. Is that how you do it? Anybody? Can anybody who listens to this podcast do an iron cross? Do I have to be wearing like those pants, like the feet pajama grape smuggling fucking lower pants, lower pants, lower leotard section of the pants there?

Why do I try to do this on Sunday? This is why I don't go to church. It's just Sunday. So, you know, I don't fucking I'm always coming back from the road. I'm always traveling. You know, I fly back and then I'm just, I just lay here catatonic. This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing here trying to be fucking funny. Anyways, I had a great show this weekend.

I was actually out in Minneapolis, Minnesota at this casino. I believe it was called Treasure Island. I was there so fucking quick. I flew in, I did the show and I came right back out. It was like minus two degrees the entire fucking time I was there. And that is a level of cold. You know, like I love the winter. I don't give a shit until it gets down.

Once it gets into the teens, that's when I give a fuck. That's when I'm like, all right, enough already. But I don't even mind if it's in the teens and Christmas is coming. It's when it's in the teens and it's just February or January. That's when it's fucking miserable. And it was so fucking cold out there. Even people from Minnesota were saying that it was like cold. But anyways, I went out there and had a great time.

Thank you to everybody who showed up. I'm still on the wagon. You know, it's funny after the show, I was hanging. It was me and the other wreck that was out there, Jade Caterpreda. Hope I said that right. I've never known how to say the last name. I came fucking read who fucking killed it in front of me, by the way. Had a great set.

So afterwards we're hanging and we're hanging with the promoter. And I'm sitting at the bar and I'm not drinking and I'm fucking drinking odules. And like, how many odules are you literally going to have? So I get one odules and I'm just sitting there like, all right, I'll sip on this fucking thing and smoke a goddamn cigar or whatever. And so people after the show are going, hey, can I get you a drink? Can I get you a drink? I'm like, no, I really appreciate it.

Thank you for coming out, but I'm not drinking. Sorry, you know, you know, whatever. Get Jade one if she wants one of blah, blah, blah. So then people started buying me rounds. They were buying me odules. So then I'm like, well, I got to drink it. Somebody gave it to me. So like an asshole, all the weight that I've been losing because I haven't boozed in like two weeks.

Like now I'm just sitting here pounding odules, pounding, pounding odules. The dumbest fucking, like the emptiest of all empty calories, just sitting there slamming things. I got to tell you something for a non-alcohol beer, it ain't that fucking bad. And if you have to be at a bar, you know, it's, I don't know. I think I found it. I think I found, see, I never yawn on Monday mornings. I think I found, I think I could go on a nice little run here. If I can just still have my cigars.

I have to have some sort of vice. Well, that'd be bad. If I go back upstairs, right? And my poor wife, she's up there right now in Gatorade, Saltine Cracker, hell right now. And she's cool too. She's cool about it. She's cool with me being down here. You know, a lot of women would be like, well, I can't comfort me.

You can at least sit in the chair near me. I can't believe this. You know, and then you get sick and they're fucking, they don't give a shit, right? Anyways, I didn't tell you guys this. I actually bought off of eBay. I bought a fucking, I bought a drum kit. And, you know, the one thing that sucks about drums is you cannot play them in, unless you get it soundproofed in your fucking house. So I actually, I got some drum cases and I'm going to bring these fucking things over.

I can't wait to play these goddamn things. I got an old Ludwig kit. I know what you guys are saying. Send me a picture. I'm not sending you a picture. Just know that there, it's an old Ludwig kit. Undo time, I will. Undo time.

Let me get my drumming up to a certain fucking level. Because I know I've promised you guys that I was going to start doing drum covers. I'll fucking do one. I just got to get somebody to videotape these fucking things and edit it and all that shit. I just don't know how to do that. And furthermore, I don't want to learn how to do it. I don't need another goddamn hobby. I just, I don't know.

You know what it is? I have like computer phobia. That's basically what, earlier when I was trashing everybody with the new phones and all that, part of that was true. Like I really think you should pay down your debt before you get another flat screen TV, before you get another fucking phone. If I could just get anything, just get something through to the listeners on this goddamn podcast. Other than to go after what you want in life as soon as you can. It would be, you know, to just pay down your credit cards. Don't start a fucking life of death, death, life of debt.

Before you even get married and start having kids and then come out of it, you know, 40, 50 fucking years later. When you're in your 60s or 70s. I'm telling you, just live within your means. And you will have the gift of free time. You'll actually get a good night's fucking sleep. But anyways, yeah, so, but that generally speaking, like I have, I have major. I don't know, I learned a lot about myself in the last week, like my wife finally convinced me that I have ADD. And I know a lot of you guys who listen to this shit are probably just laughing.

Like, yeah, how the fuck didn't you know that? You know why? Because I'm the one trapped in this fucking skull. Okay. I'm sure you guys have problems too. Don't fucking come at me like that. Trying to open up here. I have the yellow windscreen on the mic this week. Okay.

Trying to come from my hat here. I got a little sunshine on the mic here. And I didn't think, I didn't think she was right. She was like, no, she goes, I went on a website and I looked up ADD and you have every fucking symptom. And I always just thought ADD was just a crutch. Like people, I'm sorry, I have ADD. I'm sorry, I have ADD. Oh, I got, I have ADD.

You know, I drove into the back of your car. Sorry, I have ADD. Like it just seemed like this fucking excuse. It seemed something like for just something that weak people said. So I was just like, no, I'm, I'm, I'm stupid. And I need to read more. That's basically how I looked at it, which still might be the case. But I finally understood what she was saying because she, she read some of the symptoms.

And then I was sitting on the couch and I was talking to her about the Patrice O'Neill benefit coming up. And I was saying how happy I was that, you know, we're doing it two years in a row. We're helping out all the people that he loved. We're helping out people that, you know, you know, diabetes, stroke and that type of thing. We're giving some money to them. And I'm really talking about how psyched I am that everybody, you know, bought the tickets and open Anthony helped out and all the comics. Like, I mean, I have more than enough comedians on the show this year. It's just that everybody loved Patrice wanted to be on it.

So I'm in the middle of this heartfelt conversation with my wife and I'm sitting on one end of the couch. She's on the end and I sit there and I kind of lean my head back and I look up at the ceiling and I'm in the middle is talking about how much I love Patrice and how much I miss them. And I looked up and I went, oh, a spider. Look at that. There's a spider up there. I just started talking about the spider and then I hear her. She starts laughing and I look at her like, what? And it was one of those things. She didn't even have to say it.

She just had this look in her eye like that shit we were talking about earlier. And she literally buried her face in the pillow and just started laughing at me. And I was like, and I actually, you know, typical guy thing. I had to try to defend myself. I'm like, no, I mean, there's a spider. How do you not address the spider? And then I really thought about it later, like the level of emotional shit that I was talking about and then just one stupid fucking spider. Oh, there's a spider.

And another thing that when I go to leave the fucking house, I don't know, maybe I'm trying to help out other people who might have this fucking problem. All right, is like, and she told me she should go talk to somebody about it. So I don't want to talk fucking talk to somebody about it. They're going to give me a goddamn drug that they pushed through the FDA that's going to fuck up my liver and do something else to me. But I can really focus when the doctor tells me I have this new kind of fucking cancer. Whatever happened to just toughen it out. You know, you fucking Rogaine pussies just go bald like me. Anyways, how many times do I say this?

What the fuck was I talking about? Same goddamn thing. This is it. I have major fucking problems. So she wanted me to go talk to somebody about it. I'm like, I'm not fucking doing that. But I've just really noticed like the amount of times like take something simple. I'll have like a grocery list or something.

If I ever made a grocery list in my life, let's just say for shits and giggles, I do. I'll have that. Or my or my phone or something like that. I have my phone and I'm going to leave the house and I go, oh fuck, where are my keys? I need my keys. So then I walk over and I go over and I pick up my keys. All right, see you later, honey. And I walk out of the house.

I sit in the car. I turn on the fucking car and then I look around. Where's my phone with a fuck I left in the fucking house. How did I do that? I had the phone. I knew I needed the phone. I needed the keys. And it's just like I walk up there and my brain is thinking about 90 other fucking things.

Other in somewhere in there is I need the keys. And I walk over to get the fucking keys. I guess with the same hand and I set down the phone. It's like almost like, you know, like when you, when you black out drunk, it's like technically you passed out, but somebody is still awake in your body walking around talking to people that you're later going to have to apologize for. It's kind of the sober version of that for those of you who aren't afflicted with this, whatever the hell I have.

Maybe that's why I suck at reading. I don't know what it is because I really want to sit her and say that I'm not a dumb guy, but fucking everything. And I always talk about how much I sucked in high school. I remember one time like we had to do a book report and I got this book. It was about this German shepherd in World War II that fought alongside this guy. It was a great fucking book. And I remember the first night I sat down to read it and it took me like four hours.

It was like three hours to read 30 pages, two and a half hours to read 30 fucking pages. And the next day I went into school. I still remember the kid I said this to. I said, yeah, man, it took me fucking. I was reading the book for two and a half hours and they were like, how many pages? He goes like, wow, how many pages into you? And I said 30 and he just started laughing at me. And I said to him, he goes, I go, what?

He goes, it took you two and a half hours to read 30 pages. And I was like, what? I said, I read to understand. And he just started laughing at me. Thought that was the funny thing. He thought I was trying to be funny. And what I was really was trying to convey to him was I had to, I kept reading paragraphs and my brain would be thinking about other shit. And I had to go back and reread it over and over and over and over again.

So I had to go that slowly so I could understand it. It was basically my naive way of, I guess, explaining. Look, all I'm saying is if I don't have ADD, I am surprisingly stupid. But whatever. It's helped me in life. Maybe that's why I can't write a fucking script, but I can write bits because there's short, right? You know what I like about this ADD shit? I can explain away all my problems.

This is phenomenal. Hey, Cleo. Cleo. Guess what? I have ADD. All right. Does that mean anything to? She's looking at me right now.

She was laying down. She just picked up her head. She was awake, by the way. It's one of those deals where she's got one ear down and one ear up. You know, can you get any fucking, I challenge you right now to tell me something cuter in the animal kingdom than a fucking jacked animal that could rip your fucking face off. Any time it decides to, waking up from a nap with one ear down and one ear up. Come here, Cleo. Come here, buddy.

Come here. Oh, big stretch. Big stretch. Come here. Let me fix your ear. I'm not saying jump up on the bed. There you go. That's her saying hello.

Sniffing the microphone. What's up, buddy? Look, even your head has muscles. Huh? This is what I do every day. Because even, I don't know how to express love. This is what I do every day with Cleo. I grab her by both ears.

Not hard. No, she's walking away. I grab her by both ears and I just make her look up at me. And when she looks up at me, I just go, I fucking love you. That's how it is. I love that dog so much. I want to fucking tackle it every time I see it. Isn't that right, Cleo?

Huh? You're helping me live longer. Because I got to take you out every day. Fucking shit's like a horse. Anyways. Oh, you know what? We got to take a break for some advertising that I haven't even gotten yet. So I'm going to have to drop these in.

So through the magic of radio, not of editing, I should say. Hey, don't wipe your ass on the rug. She rarely does that. Still like the fucking thing. Anyways, just making sure. There you go. Cool. Lay down through the magic of editing.

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Well, those things awesome or what? I have no idea. I hope they went well. Oh, you know, the one that I always forget to bring up is amazon.com, everyone. If you shop through amazon.com like I do, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, here's a wonderful thing you can do.

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You got shit to do. All right, let's move on here. Hey, how fucking weird and awful is right after the Super Bowl, that first Sunday without football? I don't know about you guys, but it's always so goddamn jarring. Because you're so watching the playoffs

and you're so getting into it, you're so trying to guess who's going to win. The Super Bowl and fucking get your bets going and all of that shit that you don't even contemplate that the second that game's over, football is now done. Done until September. Fuck that bullshit in August.

All right, it's done until September. What in God's name are we going to do now? I'd say turn on the fucking hockey, but it's the Olympics. So, oh, I actually can actually watch women's hockey because the men's hockey doesn't start for a minute. Please, everybody do me a favor, watch some of that Olympic hockey.

Sit down and enjoy it. It's going to be phenomenal. And when you do enjoy it, don't say that dumb shit like everybody says. I actually tweeted about this, you know, every four years during the Winter Olympics, people who don't watch hockey get to lie and say that if NHL,

if the NHL was like Olympic hockey, that they would actually watch Olympic hockey. You wouldn't. You would. You're either a basketball person or a hockey person. There's very few people who have the time to watch both. All right. Another thing that always happens during the Olympics

is when people praise the Olympic game, they start talking about the NHL like it's still 1975. I heard Mike Wilbon who I love and one of the few shows that actually like PTI on ESPN. He even hinted like that. He goes, it's great. I love the Olympic hockey. You know, if the NHL would get the fighting

and all this stick work, all this. What does that mean? All this stick work? What the fuck? What does that mean? The guys are just clubbing each other the fucking head? You know why they say that?

Because once every four or five years goes by somebody does that shit, actually clubs somebody in the face with a goddamn stick. And then that's the thing that gets on Sports Center. And then all these people who don't watch hockey at all or watch it in passing then start going like, see, this is the kind of thing. They're here to get this out of the game.

And they always go in the fighting. Dude, I've been saying this for years. I said this in 2010 during the Olympics. There's barely any fighting left in NHL hockey compared to the way it used to be. Okay. Back in the day, you used to have like at least two, if not three guys on every team who were on your team

to beat the shit out of the other two to three guys that were on that team to try to beat the shit out of your guys. Like when I was growing up, when I first started watching the Bruins, they had John Wensick and Stan Jonathan. And one of our all-star players, the heart of the team was Terry O'Reilly. And he fought just as much as he scored.

Back then he was known as a complete player. He could do whatever he wanted to do. He got the puck in the net. I don't know how good he was at defense, but whatever. He gave it his all. You want to drop the gloves? He could fucking do everything. Wayne Cashman was another guy.

I mean, he was like a goal scorer, that guy. And he, I just remember Fred Q's like, oh, Cashman with the left. He had this left hook. And then I caught the tail end of those guys. And then it was Jay Miller, Lyndon Byers. Along the way, we'd pick up guys like Willie Plett. And then the Islanders.

The Islanders had all these guys. Great, Hall of Fame, tough guys. Chris Nyland, John Kordick. Everybody. And they were on the same fucking team. Okay? Now, like, I don't even know how many, like, actual goons straight up fucking fighters.

I'm not going to say goons, are still in the goddamn league. But right now the Bruins have won. Sean Thornton, and he can actually play the game. I know a lot of you guys are going to say, well, what about what he did against the Penguins? That's going to happen. Okay? Especially when you give somebody a couple of love taps

and they actually somehow get knocked out. I don't want to be a dick, but I think I could have taken those punches. Oh, where come the emails from the Penguin fans? And I know what they're going to be saying is they're actually going to say, well, why is there fighting? Why is there fighting in hockey?

Which is the dumbest fucking question ever. It's like, you're going to address that and say, well, why is there fighting, period? Why is there fighting in boxing? Why is there fighting in the UFC? Why is that okay? But if every once in a while it happens in hockey, it's the most just, you know,

deplorable fucking thing that ever happened. Do you want to make comments on society and the direction that it's going in? Dude, the Bruins played the fucking Canadians a couple of weeks ago, and I'm pretty sure there wasn't even a fight in it. Those things by halfway through the first period, once a year they'd have that game.

Halfway through the first period, there would be like nine guys in the penalty box and like fucking, I don't even know if that's even possible. They would be standing room only in the fucking penalty box. And now they'll play each other and they just play the fucking game

without having any fights. But the fights are part of the goddamn game. And so I understand if you don't like hockey because of the fighting, but for the love of God, please quit complaining about it because they're ruining the game, because they're going to take fighting out of it

and you're not going to watch it. You're not going to watch it. You're going to watch it the way I watch curling. I watch it once every four years and I really enjoy it. And I think like, wow, I could actually watch this sport like I'm really going to go out

and get the curling package and start watching it religiously every fucking year. I'm not going to do it, all right? So for the love of God, please enjoy the Olympic hockey and watch it. But keep you fucking uninformed comments

about the NHL to yourself because it's an unbelievable game. It's a great league. And one of the reasons why it is so great is because not as many people watch it as the other three fucking leagues. You know, I just love that people fucking still bitch about hockey

and like the fucking NBA had a mobbed up ref, literally shoeless Joe Jackson kind of shit. And they just glossed it over. I mean, it was a story, but it was like, well, we had one bad apple, one bad apple. The fucking guy prevented the Sacramento Kings from going to the finals.

The Lakers got another ring or an opportunity. I'm not taking away the fact that they won in the finals. But this fucking guy admitted that he fixed the goddamn series. So they have a championship just like when the White Sox

threw the World Series. You have the same thing going on except it was done by someone on an officiating crew. And you hear more shit about the fighting in hockey than you heard about that. It's unfucking believable.

I actually got a friend of mine who will remain nameless and he claims this. I don't know why he would lie. He was working for, oh, this is tough. I got to watch out. I'm going to get sued.

He was working for a basketball team that I'm not particularly fond of. That I may or may not have made fun of on numerous times and may have already made fun of them on this podcast about championship claims. But I'm not going to say who they are. They are way uniforms.

Remind me of Barney the Dinosaur. All right. That's for anybody who doesn't watch sports. You can't figure it out. All right. They worked at the arena and there was one game left and this team was playing another team

that was up north where it rains a lot but they didn't lose their basketball team. And there was one game left in the series and the guy who just stepped down told the people for the Barney the Dinosaur team to fucking order all the craft service or something like that to fucking

get the seats set up for the media and all that but he only set it for the Barney the Dinosaur team not for the rained out fucking team. And the Barney the Dinosaur team like before the game even happened he was claiming that there's no fuck because he knew somebody who was in the

the fucking the other team's front office and they were not given instructions to get prepared for the next playoff series so it wasn't like we need to be prepared just in case he only told one team to fucking do it and it ended up being the team that won. Now I know that that sounds fucking crazy

I'm not saying it's true I'm not saying it's not true but all I know is for fucking years I was saying the NBA is fixed I'm vindicated when they have a fucking mobbed up ref and it's like a fucking goddamn like it was maybe a 10 day story

it was really hard for a couple days and then that was it it just went away we just had one fucking guy one mobbed up ref fucking a team out of a championship a chance to win a championship that's all but the fighting oh and and the stick work

the Tom Fullery it just has to stop you don't even have to watch hockey at this point to criticize it so many people have criticized the fucking thing you can just say what they say alright I'm done I'm done I got my fucking I got my panties

in a bunch here alright let's let's let's read some let's read some of the the shit here for the week some of the what do you call these things here see this is another thing too that's my ADD I can't remember things I'm sorry

why'd you take your dick out in public bill I'm sorry I got ADD alright yo Billy D Williams my chick is a die-hard nine a fan and after five years dating her I've gotten into my I've gotten into

football myself others consider me a conspiracy theorist oh Jesus now we're going right into conspiracy here right after 9 11 I called it that the Patriots would win to symbolize the phoenix style rebirth of American patriotism sure enough

the Patriots won alright I'm going to go with you on that one dude I called it alright he said this year I made another prediction that I was really hoping would be wrong I had a feeling that Seattle

the team icon which resembles the America's bald eagle will beat America's horse team which represents China's year of the horse this to symbolize the west's domination over the east

to further support my previously stated theory they were there were a ton of pro-soldier and patriotic commercials I'm very curious to see what political events are to come in 2014 thoughts yeah dude you're

way too far down the fucking rabbit hole I've never understood that thing like like the symbols on TV thing that's always to me seem like paranoid thought and fuck everybody right now who thinks my NBA shit is

paranoia they had a mobbed up ref go fuck yourself it was fixed I'm not saying straight across the board but it was fixed on a certain fucking level this shit here like first of all alright Seattle's

team which resembles an American bald eagle it doesn't it doesn't will beat the horse I gotta tell you I didn't know it was the year of the horse and I think I pretty much represent the average Joe and

a seagull does a seagull does not look like what's on the side of the seahawks and a seagull fucking seahawk I'm an asshole I didn't realize I was saying that a seahawk does not look like a fucking a bald eagle

it doesn't a real one doesn't the one that they showed looks nothing like the cartoon version that they have on the side of their fucking head and even if it does okay the average shit head the way you have to spell

stuff out I mean the average shit head is ordering the twat from nature there and having a box of American chocolate covered peanuts delivered to their desk they're gonna stick those in their mouth and then wonder why they don't have abs do you think they're gonna be able to figure out the American

bald eagle and the Denver's horse I'm a Patriots fan alright like I don't think I just never made the connection I think you're looking so you're saying the Illuminati is still running a football league

now what if the Falcons what would that what would that have meant the Green Bay Packers what would you know do all of them symbolize something like every year somebody who won last year who the fuck won last year I don't even remember

here's a good about that shit two years ago the Giants won I remember that talking Patriots what does that mean that Giants are for the Taliban yeah dude I think that you're unlike if the 49ers win it that means like we're coming back to slave labor you load 16

tons and what do you get big jump big jump big bad jump yeah dude I think that I think you're kind of going beautiful mind there

you're reading the daily paper you're trying to see stuff that isn't there yeah to symbolize what the west domination over the east I gotta be honest with you I don't understand

you know as far as I'm concerned China is west of where I'm at so how are they in the east I mean when I fly to China if I ever go to China I'm gonna go west they're gonna fly me up to Alaska make a left and then go right by fucking South Korea

hopefully you don't get shot down as we go by Russia and then I'm in China I'm not gonna go east how did they decide that is that because that's where we were populated like if everybody came from Africa like Nas and all the rappers say you know because they've done their research

in between blunts if we actually all came from there then why doesn't the day start right there because I understand we're living on this here that the world is round who's to say where the day starts why does it start in Japan

alright sorry there you go there was a nice little fucking minute and a half to make you feel better about yourself intellectually moving on alright championships in Seattle Billy Bullface not sure if you heard about this but Seattle has a few championships

in women's basketball obviously no one gives a fuck but this is what's great I imagine the women who play on the team give a shit and those 37 people who are related to them in the crowd I'm sure they do oh fuck that's too close to a Joe Bartnick joke

imagine they give a shit let's see he says there's a great picture going on around around of a headline Seattle's first championship from a Seattle newspaper below the headline is a picture of a player from the

Seattle's women's basketball team as she's looking up at a bunch of banners for championships that they've won well don't they mean like the Seahawks first championship because even if they are sexist when they realize that the supersonics won a championship do you

wait a minute do you like not count that one now because the sonics moved to Oklahoma City and became the thunder I don't understand that like you know it was cool this weekend I saw somebody in the crowd at a Minneapolis

Lakers t-shirt I thought it was great and I was telling them I go there's five championships you know as far as fans go you guys claim those the franchise you know has the trophies but the fans those are your championships

right has to be has to fucking be if the Lakers moved to fucking Las Vegas and won again next next year what would Los Angeles fans do if they started going yeah we got 17

bitch you'd be like well wait a minute no 16 of those who won in LA and then Minneapolis fans now five of those 11 championships won in LA five won in Minneapolis one of them was in the fucking

BAA oh jesus bill let it go I go fuck yourself I like being a cunt so yeah I mean women's championships don't count as much because women it's their fault

it's their fault because guys don't sit around watching the WNBA we keep supporting the NBA what women need to do is say fuck the NBA and just start watching the WNBA and what they should be doing

is they should be selling out those arenas cheering on the women there that's who needs to do it right then they should all get together with all their alimony money and they should buy out the men that started the WNBA and they should run it themselves

and then no longer do you need the NFL to be wearing pink in October you could fucking be wearing it all year in your league Jesus Christ I don't know if I just solved some problems or offended everybody from cancer survivors to people with the veg over there

I don't give a fuck take the podcast seriously that's been happening lately a couple of Native Americans sent me some angry tweets remember a few weeks ago when I was making fun of white ignorance when I said that Hawaii was not part of the United States

because no white people look right out in Hawaii but you look fine on the mainland like leaning up against an oak tree I look fine and I'm like I'm so sick of Native America I'm so sick of arguing with the patches I literally said that it wasn't absurd enough

for someone to get the joke people were like doing that you know that Jim Norton character literal Jim they were doing that like the reason why you look normal is because you killed all of us like I don't know that

like I'm somehow for that anyways but whatever continue to take it seriously I had actually somebody wrote me last week I said fighting like a pit bull really you fucked hard and she went on and on and on and on and I wanted to write back

well like okay I rescued a pit bull pit bulls were bred to fight I'm not saying it's right okay and lastly fucked hard is a play on retard so it's okay to make fun of people who are mentally challenged

but not dogs you twisted cunt but I don't because you know what on twitter they don't give me enough letters alright the art of baking dear billiam dear billiam

as of late I've been baking I have never know how to say this scones sconces are the things that are on the walls and the only reason why I know that is because I had to say that one time in an audition scones he said alright I'll just say scones I don't give a fuck

as of lately I've been baking scones and he writes in oh Jesus are they good I got the idea from you and your lovely pumpkin loaves you sound so pumped talking about your baking and it made me want to try it it certainly adds another dimension

to my game with the ladies oh absolutely dude let me tell you something one thing about women other than the fact that they do not support other women playing basketball at least they don't do it enough the other thing about women is they like fucking sweets

okay they love a guy that can cook if you can actually fucking make something sugary it's great on two levels one it makes you seem like you're going to be a good husband and father even if you're not it just makes it seem that way and they're more apt to bang you

don't ask me why I don't pretend to understand them okay and then secondly if you actually marry that woman when she starts getting all fucking crampy you know getting all bitchy when she gets the cramped toast over there what you can do is just whip up a little

pumpkin bread a little sugar okay you go here you go honey you fucking mush it in her face and then you know she's not as irritable it's an understandable irritability don't get me wrong but believe me I know there's a lot of female comics that say

if you started bleeding from your dick once a month you're gonna start slain it too yeah and if I did and you didn't you'd be bitching about my mood so go fuck yourself alright so anyways he says nothing twinkle toes about baking to impress a girl

yeah it is it's still very effeminate baking is effeminate I don't care how you look at it there's nothing wrong with it you're getting in touch with your feminine side I'm so proud of you here's another thing you can do somebody sent me an email about this too you want to you want to really start slain it if you have

no fucking game and you need to do something to make your franchise look a little more attractive so maybe you can make one or two big signings during this off season alright learn how to bake and by all means take a fuck start taking yoga

classes yoga classes are 98% women alright and I don't know what it is most of them are fucking hot now a lot of granted I've taken yoga classes in New York City in Los Angeles so there's that so knock that down

by about 30% um and also a lot of them are career driven so there's not a lot of moms in there there's a lot of single women in there very limber fucked in the head women you know what fuck that scratch all that

learn how to bake no matter where you are but take yoga and like Miami take yoga classes where there's gonna be a lot women there you go there's my stupid advice for the week anyways let's continue here he said the ladies get turned on by a guy who can cook slash bake because A it exemplifies

our capability to follow instructions parenthesis recipe and B they can tell by the texture that you're good with your hands needing what are you gonna need our titties hahaha just fucking grabbing her ass

cheeks you know semolina um anyways he says thanks for letting us in on that little secret hey dude it's all you buddy you fucking took it and you ran with it um yeah that's all that shit I'm telling you right now if you fucking

if you want to upgrade the level of ass in your life and you just look at yourself in the mirror and you're like no matter what I do when I look at myself you know I'm like I'm like a six a five if you I'm telling you if you learn how to fucking bake okay

just shit you know what you do you learn how to make shit that they like to eat what's that what's those it looks like lasagna it looks like a pie but it has eggs in it quiche that was it called I can never fucking remember the only way I remember

what that's called is I remember the actor Stacy quiche so that's the nickname for that shit whenever I see it with Nia like we'll come walking in and I'll look at the breakfast options and then whenever I see it I just go Stacy and she laughs for whatever fucking reason because she gets my sense of humor

so you've learned how to do that here's another one alright learn how to make red velvet pancakes I swear to god I'm not saying every woman likes this but you just increased by two percent your chances of someday banging a model

if you know how to make red velvet pancakes okay some tall woman will come into your life I'm guaranteeing it right now you got a two percent chance more she'll come into your life she'll eat those red velvet pancakes okay she will quickly go to the bathroom she will puke them up and then jump on your dick

and you're not even gonna give a fuck okay because she's hot sorry that was disgusting on so many levels anyways he says I'm looking forward to seeing you in Ottawa hopefully you get a chance to skate on the canal

Jesus Christ that doesn't sound like the most effeminate thing ever I'll fucking do that in a second he said you're always welcome to come play hockey with us after the show get the fuck out of here where I wanna play I got two shows there I think

dude fuck that if there's a game after the show in Ottawa I want in don't fuck me because I'm gonna check my hockey shit are you gonna be mad at me if I play I have to play pond hockey with all my hockey gear on because I'm in the middle of a tour can I crack my skull my knee or my elbow

there dude come on let's do it and fight me can I come over your house I feel like the kid with no friends oh dude that'll be a great fucking youtube video all you Canadian guys out there like no hats on street clothes

skating all around me as I'm out there looking like robo-cop let's fucking do it verzi not knowing how to skate sitting there with a stogie standing on a frozen pond I'm all over it alright here we go here's one from about one of my favorite comedians of all time

Doug Stanhope he said Bill heard you got a shout out on Doug Stanhope's podcast what a great guy I'll tell you that Doug Stanhope you know what biggest heart in the fucking business he's just a great fucking guy

you know what I love about Stanhope he's one of the best comics of all fucking time and he's still a fan of stand up like actually we'll sit there and enjoy watching you say that's a fucking thrill anytime that guy he's giving me way too many compliments top shelf

that's the Johnny blue of compliments right there getting that from Stanhope he says anytime I hear people talk about your podcast they say it's cool that you do it by yourself and you can somehow keep it funny love that you don't have guests except it'd be cool if you have Stanhope on sometime yes I know we have to make that

happen I promise you that will happen in fact I will text him at the end of this podcast unless I forget and if I forget it's not my fault because I have ADD oh man you know what I gotta use that on my wife that'll be the funniest fucking shit ever

I'm just gonna start using that as an excuse and you know what she's gonna laugh because she has a great sense of humor but I'm gonna do it until maybe five days after it's already become annoying just because those last five days will be fun for me and I'm selfish

all right Vermont this one's talking about Vermont Bill I see you're coming to Vermont fucking finally no one ever comes up here yeah well why would you think that is how about the fact you don't have a comedy club unless it's part of a it's like a function

room in a hotel the only time I ever performed in Vermont I performed in a comedy zone in Burlington a long long time ago like literally yeah coming up on like 18 years ago like 18 holy fuck

am I old I'm getting like scary old that was 18 fucking years ago holy shit holy shit yeah well you guys don't have a comedy club at that what do you want from me man your syrup your foliage

um it's not like I haven't come to Albany why don't you get in a car and come down to civilization I gotta go up there to your fucking moonshine still and he goes he goes so how are you gonna pass the time I don't see you as someone who fantasizes about shooting a moose

I know you're you're drinking but Vermont has what's considered I guess you meant not drinking but Vermont has considered what's considered the best beer in the world right now it's called heady topper holy shit bill it's good stores get their shipment

Tuesday and sell out by Wednesday it's fucking awesome here's an article I'll give you guys the link so they can sell out the same day also what what are you what are your experiences with Vermont um I love Vermont I'm a

New England guy I grew up out there I go to Vermont and I think I would love to own the house up here sorry if I could somehow survive in this business um you know I would live in a I would live

in a place like that I think I would go a little bit crazy because I definitely need a little bit of action I definitely like the city I mean I'm a suburb guy I'm not a country guy so um I don't know dude that actually sounds great if I can get a fucking

log cabin I know you don't live in log cabins out there but uh I don't you know this fucking business you know I'm tired man I did a lot of road work and the more road you do just the more you need a fucking vacation but once you start selling

tickets on the road you get afraid if I take a fucking week off they're gonna move on to the next guy um you know I actually had somebody uh some email I was reading and

they were complimenting my act and they said hey Bill do you ever think some young whippersnappers gonna come along and pass you and replace you absolutely absolutely it always happens if Jordan can get too old for the

NBA I can't get too old for stand up you know at some point no matter how much you stay informed you know you're gonna be doing those matinee shows with whoever is still alive from your fucking fan base I don't mind it it's supposed to happen

what I'm supposed to do is pick up the comedy torch and run with it as far as I can and when I collapse I fucking hold it up like the dude trying not to spill his white Russian we got a beverage here man and then the next person comes along

they grab it and they run with it and you fucking cheer them on tell them to take it to the next level and you know why that is sir because stand up does not belong to me it's not mine it's an art form it's a privilege to be able to do it and make a living at it

so I try to respect that and I'll do it as long as I can but like you know I mean shit it fucking happens to everybody which is why I don't have the new cell phone it's why I drive a 7 year old hybrid I only have one fucking TV you hear echo echo

in my fucking house because all my money goes to paying this fucking thing down so uh because I know that day is gonna come that fucking day is gonna come where I'm gonna be sitting there like you don't want me anymore but what about the show I did in 96 in Vermont

yeah it happens to everybody alright I guess that's why you're supposed to have kids someday so you can watch them pass it on to them that is one of my goals though I never want to become some bitter person I always want to be cheering on

whoever's coming next you know that's the way you should be you shouldn't be a fucking dick about it you know and then also knowing that they're coming that drives you like let's see how long I can keep these fucking plates spinning before they and eventually my arms are gonna get tired

I'm gonna be done be finished ah Jesus that's depressing whatever what are you gonna do alright swimming hey Billy white thighs ah shit that one actually hurt it's fucking true fucking wallpaper paste there you ever think about installing a lap pool

yes I have before we bought this house I looked at another house and they had it there I didn't like the house but I love that I think that that would be great not like a lap pool you mean like the thing where you basically it's like long enough

for you to lay down unless you're a basketball player and just start swimming and you're swimming against this current one of those ones what do you mean literally a pool he says anyways or maybe joining a gym that has a pool it's a full body workout anytime I see old dude swimming

I imagine they're really healthy I knew swimmers in college and they ate and drank like animals but they were always really cut because they swam miles every day I think the hardest part of getting into the gym into a gym pool routine is having to see other people also the first few times

when you're inevitably tired after half a lap plus there's no shucks in the water I love how you guys even write it in the Boston accent now he said so we don't have to hear you cry about your inner fears my inner fear is getting

old and weak so I started swimming and it's great see how we brought that back around very nice very nice yeah no dude you're doing yourself a service you really are I am a firm belief that you

should work out your entire life you should always do it I mean I'm not saying go out and play full court basketball I mean that in your even your 30s and 50s just get shin splints and fucking up your feet I think that you should do some form of

exercising I love swimming I I am concerned about I guess Olympic swimmers haven't died of any cancer so the chlorine I guess isn't that bad but that is the one thing when you jump into a pool you're jumping into a bunch of chemicals but I

guess that's better than jumping into you know what the chemicals are killing so we'll leave it at that yeah you know what you know I'm gonna look that up right now let's look up what one of those little stationary lap things are see what this is

for the person who has everything and then I'm gonna do my the final advertising for this fucking week all right what do we got here let's see here lap pool let me just look this up oh there it is

custom lap pools what fuck you get the fuck out of here this says 17 foot swim spa is $23,900 they call it an endless pool

are you fucking kidding me ah Jesus Christ all this shit just popped up when I went on this website now you know I'm gonna get all these fucking spam emails about endless pool fucking yeah well let's see this the 17 foot

endless pool spa features a large exercise area that is ideal for swimming aquatic exercise and fun with easy access full depth stairs and up to two jets and with over 20 jets

you can exercise relax and enjoy increased family time you ever wanna piss with your whole family let's get a lap pool improve your health and well being on an endless pool here's the dimensions

17 feet by well I guess now they're doing inches 204 inches which comes out to 17 feet by 91 and a half inches by 54 and a half inches

I guess that's how deep it is I ain't what the fuck I didn't want to say 54 is that 5 feet deep is it what is that 4 feet 4 and a half I love this shit here this thing is $23,000 and they have a little button here that says add to the cart

like there's other shit that you're gonna be getting with this alright they have a 10 foot one oh my god oh shit that's just you might as well just use that place to take a dump how much is this one add to cart

$15,000 fuck you I'm going jumping a goddamn dirty pond I guess it is amazing that you're literally swimming against a current that doesn't exist alright now you're getting some cheaper ones here

here's the fucking the Hyundai version for $10,000 oh that thing is a joke what is that is that a hot tub go fuck yourself well yeah you know I guess I thought about it I've definitely thought about now that I know how much it costs

holy shit I have to take a fucking second mortgage out of my house to get one of those they are cool as shit though images for lap pools dude why did you do this now I'm gonna sit here look at that one that looks like a real pool

oh that is a real pool who the fuck lives here mock spits keeping fit with home lap pool now you don't give a fuck about your kids if you got one of those you get this skinny pool

that nobody can jump into without breaking that goddamn next and it's for you when you have fucking gray chest hair oh whatever you guys really want to sit here and listen to me fucking reading about lap pools wow those things are cool as hell though yeah I thought about getting one until I saw how much they were now that I know how much they are

I am not I am no longer interested I need a friend I need a rich friend with a fucking lap pool good lord just a pool in general how fucking cool is that fucking indoor pool

indoor lap pool who's this fucking banker who has this shit indoor lap pool you know what's funny with me I would do I would get one of those okay let's just say I could afford that I'd get one of those fucking things and then within

a month I'd be bored and I would go and do something else I'm the worst I'd still owe all that money tranquil lap pool Jesus Christ you know what I'm going to look at these fucking things anybody out there sell lap pools how many of these do you sell a month

Jesus Christ I'm going to get on one of those fucking home makeover shows alright I'm going to have them redo the wiring in my house and fucking put in a lap pool and then I'll go there and I'll fucking act oh my god a lap pool

jump around and hug everybody that fucking did it you know get on pimp my pool whatever the fuck the show is alright who gives a fuck anyways that's the podcast for this week everybody

I hope you enjoyed it I hope you learned something I hope it was funny even though I did it on a Sunday and if you didn't learn anything it's not my fault because I got ADD over there that's it that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves

please watch the olympic hockey speed skate and curling and all that shit enjoy the olympics even though the water doesn't run even though they don't like gay people over there god damn it these athletes they work their whole fucking lives for this shit

give them a listen whatever the hell you gotta do alright I'm out go fuck yourselves nice, easy and cheap for those of you who like something else or like classical oh yeah like spaghetti bolognese download the mythe leise app

and buy with it yes, great the leise, along with the life