Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-15

Episode Date: February 11, 2015

Bill rambles about his trip to Asia, leather pants and women named Mercedes.

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This is my podcast for Monday, February 10th, 2015. How's it going? How are ya? Um, I'm back in the USA. I just landed at JFK a couple of hours ago. And I've been trying to get this fucking thing done. My Olympus LS10 that I bought like six, seven fucking years ago, it finally died. I think it finally died after a trip around the world.

The old girl couldn't take it. Now, she went quietly, quietly in the night. Um, anyways, I'm psyched to be back. I had a great time. I'm just a whirlwind tour around the world. I don't even know where the fuck I am right now and I don't even know what time it is. Um, yeah, I do. It's 5.53 p.m. east coast time.

According to my, um, my little fucking little iPad thing here. Ah, shit. I don't know what to tell you guys. What the fuck do you want from me? You know, all you cunts out there who gave me shit because the podcast is so late this week. All right. You didn't even have the fucking decency. Did you?

To go onto my website and maybe have a little bit of empathy and be like, oh, oh, that's why. That's why it's late. He's flying back from Mumbai, India fucking three hours to Dubai. Another fucking 13 hours on the goddamn plane. And some douche missed their connection when we were in Dubai and their plane was on their plane, their bag was on the plane. So they don't let the cunt on the plane yet. They spend 15 minutes trying to find or 20 minutes trying to find the fucking bag and they take it off the plane. It's like, at that point, why don't you let's just let the asshole on the plane so we can all get out of here.

Right. And that's what I was doing. You know, when I used to run an airline, that's how I did it. So I don't know what's going on with United Arab Emirates, Emirates, whatever the fuck the airline is that I flew. Anyways, first of all, before I get going, thank you to everybody who came out to my shows in India, China, Singapore, whatever the fuck I was this week. It was my first trip to fucking Asia. And I had a great time. I did not get caned in Singapore.

I didn't have any secret police in China and no religious crazy people got me when I was in India. You know, so I survived it. Singapore was great. China was great. I don't fucking know what to tell you. Let's just talk about India. All right. First and foremost, the second you get to India, this is what you're going to see.

Mumbai, India. You are going to see the greatest drivers and jaywalkers you've ever seen in your fucking life. I've never seen just complete fucking chaos when it comes to driving like, like I saw in India. And even like the old people were good at jaywalking, what killed me, they never changed their gate. I guess gate is that running, whatever, whatever fucking speed they were walking. When they stepped down in traffic, they just stepped out and just kept walking at the same pace. The traffic never sped up, never slowed down. Nobody got hit.

It was unreal. I've never been in the back of a cab so many times going, watch it, watch it, watch it. And just nobody slows down. Nobody speeds up. Everybody just keeps doing what they're doing. It's like, it was like, it's like watching Chevy Chase and Caddy Jack when he's fucking putting barefoot. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's how they fucking do it.

Definitely the most insane, craziest, coolest country I've ever been to was definitely at least that city, man. That was something else. The people were really cool. You know, at first you freak out, you know, when you show up and we landed there at like midnight and, you know, we showed up to the hotel. And there's a guy with like a machine gun and somebody checking for bombs underneath the fucking car, you know, which creeped me out at first. And there was like a metal detector going into the fucking hotel. But then I was just like, all right, now that I'm in here, I got a guy with a machine gun standing up front. This is way better than a red roof in.

So I guess it's just a big, I guess maybe back in 2008, they had a terrorist attack. Whoever since then in the hotel, I was in get attacked or whatever. So now they just have a guard there all the time. But other than that, I didn't see anybody with the gun. It's a really safe city. The food was fucking tremendous. And I did the show, the last show of the tour. Sorry guys, there's going to be a lot of fucking mental brain farts here this week.

I'm just trying to take in everything that I saw. It was awesome. And I got to hang out afterwards. I went out and got dinner with me and like 20 Indian comics and just sat there talking comedy for a good half hour, 45 minutes before I had to go to the airport, which was one of the highlights of my career, to be honest with you, to be able to talk to people on the other side of the world that do what I do, you know. And these guys, I'm going to send you a link to this, although maybe I shouldn't because I know they're trying to lay low. But for those of you who listen to the podcast I did over there, those same guys got in trouble because they just did a fucking roast, right? And according to them, it was way tamer than anything in the U.S.

But they haven't had, I guess, a lot of roasts. That might have been the first one. And they did it. They roasted a couple of Bollywood guys and everything was fine. Everybody laughed. Everybody had a good time. And then for whatever reason, either they posted it online or somebody else did. And the second went online, you know, you know what happens?

The second something goes online, everybody starts going, oh my God, what about the children? What about the fucking religious thing that I believe in? What will this comedy do to that? You know what I mean? It's a fucking roast. Everybody's laughing, having a good time. So whatever. So everybody freaked out.

And it got like eight million hits. And they're like sort of in trouble, but not in trouble, but they're in trouble. Like they could spend eight years in courts with, I don't know what, lawsuits or whatever. I was reading some of the comments and someone was just going like, you know, what does this say? What is this going to do to society? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, have you fucking looked out your window over there? Jesus Christ.

They got like in New Delhi, they have like a major problem with rapes. Is a roast going to make that any worse? You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. I mean, I'm not even going to fucking say some of the shit that I saw over there. I saw a stray cow. A stray cow. It's just, it's fucking, it's awesome.

See, I don't want to say a half of this shit because I don't want to scare people from going over there because it's one of the coolest fucking places I ever went to. But yeah, you'll see like a stray cow eating garbage next to her like a Mercedes Benz driving by. Okay, so you got, you got the entire fucking colors of the rainbow there. It was, it was awesome. And the, the food was insane. Can't say enough about that. And other than that, what else did I get a chance to see? I didn't get a chance to see anything.

Oh, this was the scary thing was I went into the country and because we fuck with, with Indian people when they come to the US, I guess, because we're trying to make sure that they don't illegally emigrate, emigrate, whatever, to our fucking country. Immigrate, right? Immigrate? Yeah, emigrate. That's how it is. Emigrate, you leave, emigrate, you come in. There you go, Bill. Yeah, you worked that out yourself, didn't you?

Um, anyway, so we fuck with them. So this is tit for tat thing. So then they fuck with us, specifically Americans from the West Coast. So they don't fuck with anybody from the East Coast, I guess. Um, as far as like you come to the country and then once you get to the country, you, you need another piece of paper stamped by the government so you can fucking leave. You know, or it's some Bronx tail shit, like now you can't leave until you get this fucking thing. And then it's, you know, it's just some big pain in the ass thing that took like two and a half hours for me to get. But, um, I guess they've had problems with artists on the West Coast, but not on the East Coast, which means to me that maybe somebody, a governor or a senator of a state on the West Coast, like maybe Schwarzenegger said something.

I have no idea what, but somebody said something, somebody pissed off somebody. So you know, old freckles has got to get up in the fucking morning and I go down to, I don't know what the hell it was, but I had this, this big like envelope of shit with my passport, my working visa, the fucking contract for the show, all of that stuff. I go inside the building and the promoters not allowed to go with me. So now I'm in there. I mean, this was like one of the biggest like touristy things that I got to do, like really experience being an Indian. And I fucking go up to the third floor and this is big long line of people all from different countries trying to get this piece of paper so they can fucking leave. And the line moved quickly, but then they just got you into another room. And it was like being at the fucking DMV.

And you know how that goes. You're going to show up with a stack of papers like the goddamn phone book. And when you get up there, you just see the look on their face. You're like, oh fuck you. What else do I need? And there's always something else. So whatever. I kind of charmed the lady I was talking to like, I couldn't understand her.

She couldn't really understand me. And I finally was able to convey it to her that I was a comedian. And she kind of, you know, gave me this look like really, you think you're funny. And I forget what the fuck I said, but I was able to make her smile, which was good because eventually I needed the promoter to come up there to help me get over the last leg of it. But what's funny about Indian people is they got this thing they do. When you ask them a question, they don't shake their head no or nod. Yes, they do like this bobblehead thing. And I was sitting there like this white dude in Hong Kong told me that they're going to do that.

And it actually means yes. You're going to think that they're being assholes, but it actually means yes. So this lady kept doing it. I kept going, does that mean yes? Long story short, one of the comics told me later on that it doesn't mean yes. It doesn't mean no. It means that they're, how did he put it? They're politely accepting your existence or something like that.

Yeah, what it was. But everybody that I asked a question to there, I was like, so if I give them all this stuff, like I'm going to be able to get to piece of paper, I'll be fine. And then they do like that bobblehead, like, you know, maybe you will, maybe you won't, you know, maybe you'll be on that plane back to the U.S. Maybe you'll be in that, you'll be in the garbage next to the cow tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know how, I don't, I don't know what to tell you. So I'm just going to do this fucking thing with my head. So I got a big kick out of that.

And there's a thing too, like I've really been working on my temper. I stayed up there for two hours and 45 minutes. I never lost my temper once. At one point I sat there and I looked over at the lady and I was just like, I looked down at the floor. I was like, how fucking long is this going to fucking? That's the worst I got. Sort of whispered that. Then I just looked around the room and I saw this family of four from the Philippines and they were in front of me.

And I'm like, all right, they're still here. The guy was behind me. He's still here. So everybody's waiting the same amount of time, you know, for love of God, Bill, fucking relax. So whatever. But I just, oh my God, I saw so much shit over there so quickly went down to this. They're having like this street fair thing and they had all this, you know, brought my wife down there. They had all this amazing clothing and all that type of shit and artwork and all that type of stuff.

It's just one of those things. You just walk around like I'm in fucking India right now. I couldn't believe it. And then what's funny is you go out to go do the show and you feel like you're in the United States. It's the exact same thing. People laugh at the same shit. It's just that when Singapore, Hong Kong and India, they had like these, you know, don't talk about the government, don't talk about religion, don't talk about race. And then you go to the show and the comic in front of you is talking about all of that shit and basically how it works for you to really get in trouble with that.

You'd have to be basically living in the country, build up a reputation for doing it all the time. And then eventually one of those governments would be like, all right, let's send, let's send somebody down there. And then they'd go down, they'd watch you. And in all you get is like a fine, either they find the promoter, the venue or possibly the performer. I don't know. It's not really like, you know, harshly enforced, which is actually was a pleasant surprise with the way everybody's taken everything. So goddamn seriously lately, like every fucking thing that you say now is just like, I mean, it's fucking ridiculous. And I really think comics have to hold the fucking line here and not apologize or else.

I mean, I don't know where it goes from there unless you want comedians just up there talking about widgets. And what kills me about the so called outrage is such a small percentage of the population. First of all, you realize how many people could just give a fuck about stand up comedy. Like if you look down to the amount of people, the small percentage of people who've actually been to a live show. You know, it doesn't even fucking appeal to like 80% of the population as far as I know. You know what I mean? They're doing other things. They may be into music or they just watch sports, but like, you know, it's fucked up.

Like I love stand up comedy before I became a comedian. I only went to one show ever. And I was almost 24 by the time I started. So I could legally could have gone to stand up shows for like six years, 18 plus. And then once I was 21, I could go to anything and I never went. I only went one time and I wanted to do it for a living. So I don't know. All right. And of course, this stupid thing just crapped out on me.

Really having a rough go here with the technology on this trip. I apologize to everybody. Anyways, what was I saying? I guess I was just talking about how few people actually even give a shit enough to even go to a stand up show. So if a comic says something, it's really not affecting that much of the population. Who the fuck lives their life by what a fucking comedian says in a goddamn joke? It's so ridiculous. It's just got to be, I don't know.

I'm really hoping this is just a fad to be taking comedians seriously. But anyways, that's the end of the whole world tour thing. It was really insane. After five countries in three weeks, I did 11 shows in nine different cities, five different countries. I don't know how many different time zones. And it's the first time I ever was in Asia. And it's just a part of the world I never, I always wanted to go. And I just never, you just don't think you're ever going to get to do something like that.

So thanks to everybody who listens to this podcast, watches my specials and all that type of shit. I actually learned something. People downloading my specials illegally isn't always a bad thing. I mean, it kills me monetarily. But had they not done that overseas, then they wouldn't have seen me. So I don't know. I'm starting to rethink some of that shit. Although I do stand hard as far as, I got a hard line on the fucking, I stand hard.

I got a hard line when it comes to fucking taping me in a club when I'm trying out new shit. That's, that's fucking brutal. Because then I go to town and my new shit is already old shit. And it's just, you can't write fast enough. So can all you fucking teeny boppers just take that into consideration? I know it's all about you and your fucking Facebook pages now. And oh my God, look at me with my selfie and all of that shit. This was fucking hilarious now is it's like the crowd wants to be famous.

Back in the day, the crowd was cool when they would just sat there. All right, monkey boy, you want to be famous? Let's see if you're good enough to be famous. Now it's like half of them aren't even paying attention to you. They're literally like, really Bill, is it half of them? Or is it like three, four people a show? All right, three or four people a show are like already on their Twitter accounts or Facebook or whatever the fuck they use. Talking about themselves.

Trying to put myself in their position, but I just can't picture myself any show I ever went to when I was a kid. You know, if I paid to go see it, I would watch it. Wouldn't you? You got all fucking data, do your duck face into the phone, don't you? All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here. Sherries, berries, everybody. Time is running out. That is the theme, everybody.

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B-U-R-R. All right. So where do we go here? Where do we go here? Let me go back to the fucking... the questions here. Ah, God, there's got to be a better way to do this fucking podcast,

something a little more professional. Well, how far into this are we? 15-11. What's that? 26 minutes. Okay, let's continue talking. Oh, by the way, I bet you're all one. And hey, Bill, did you finally have a chance

to watch the Super Bowl? You know? That big football game that's played every year? That's your home team won? Yes, I did. Not only did I watch it once, not only did I watch it twice, I watched it three fucking times.

Sorry, I got to plug in the ch- Yeah, I had you. I watched it three times, and it's just a hell of a fucking game. And I actually think Edelman should have got a co-MVP, because not only did he have a big game, he knocked his defensive back out of the fucking game, you know, broke the guy's goddamn wrist

on a wonderful fucking tackle. And we exploited whoever the fuck they put in for the guy that broke his wrist that I don't know his name either, because I was traveling around the fucking world and I don't collect football cards anymore because they fucked up the whole way you did it. You know, back in the day,

you could just go out and buy a whole stack of them and eventually you'd get all of them. You know? Now they try to make them deliberately rare and they have like pieces of game-worn jerseys. It's just not what it used to be. I just wish Tops would put out a set of 390 like they used to back in the fucking day,

and someone like me could ride his bicycle down old freckle facebill, you know, and eat your awful gum that was in there that fucked up one football card in every pack. Why can't I go back to doing that so I'd know? Back then, I swear to God, I could have announced a fucking game. I knew everybody's name.

I knew the offensive linemen, defensive linemen. I knew fucking everybody. Now the only way to do that is you got to play fantasy football with a bunch of fucking jerk-offs. You got to go to somebody's living room and have a fucking draft. As you sit there with adults acting like your CEOs

of a fucking league that doesn't even exist, it's one of the saddest, most pathetic fucking things. Anyway, so let's talk about the game, even though it's way over. Obviously the excitement wasn't there because I already knew the end result, but I was anticipating how I would feel throughout the game. I would say that when Brady threw the pick

in the beginning, I guess with the broken wrist, I guess that would have made me feel like they kind of offset, but I always get nervous. Once there's a turnover, and I'm thinking, that's going to be the first of many, definitely when we were down by 10,

I definitely would have been like, it's over, we're not coming back from this shit. And that ridiculous catch, I would have completely freaked out. I'll tell you, everybody's given Pete Carroll shit. I had a great stat that I saw. I'm usually not a big stat guy, but that play that Pete Carroll called,

that was run a little over 100 times during the regular season. It resulted in like 65 touchdowns, or low 60s touchdowns, like 40 incompletions and like no interceptions. Something like that. It was like 64, no, like 65, 66, something like that touchdowns in 45. It was a little over 100 times.

They tried it, but there was never an interception until that play. So it's just one of those fucking things. And God, if anybody knows, it's just one of those fucking things. It's a Patriots fan with like the helmet catch, you know, that fucking ridiculous pass that Eli threw after Brady to Welker shit the bed.

But you know, it was fucking hilarious with seeing Tom Brady's face after that ridiculous catch that that guy in the Seahawks made. He just, he just had the silk on his face like, like really like how many times do I have to win the Super Bowl before I actually, and the defense will just fucking get a goddamn freeing out and let me ice the fucking game.

How many fucking times do I got to drive down the fucking field for the go ahead touchdown? I did it in both fucking Giants games and you guys are out there letting people catch it between their taint and their fucking ankle for the love of fucking God. You know, whoever that Patriot was that jumped up and over, that's the result of those fucking don't hit a defenseless receiver

because back in the day, even though Malcolm Butler tipped that ball up, that safety coming over the top, he would have gone right into that guy's jaw. He wouldn't have hurled and like, oh, don't step on the receiver. It would have knocked the ball out. So thank God.

And I loved seeing a drunk Robert Kraft and I loved that he demanded an apology and that fucking Jim Ursay. What a bunch of horseshit. Did you guys see that thing ESPN did where they had the science guy actually investigated the advantages or disadvantages of a deflated ball

and they actually found out that it was actually a disadvantage. But there's an article that came out that I retweeted. Now, Grant, it was from like CBS Sports Boston that really debunked a lot of the shit. Of course, you guys won't believe it, but I don't know what. I hope that they pursue that. They should pursue that the way the Colts complained

throughout the years. Just keep complaining right through the fucking draft. All I know is if fucking Bill Belichick sat on the rules committee and changed rules to make the game easier for his offense, I mean, he would have to go on in front of the Senate defending himself. Jim Ursay does it.

Nobody gives a fuck. So that's my message. Fuck Jim Ursay. What are you going to cry about this year, Jimmy? Anyways, what else? I'm trying to look at my list of shit here. Anything else that I wanted to talk about? Oh, and I lost my list.

Well, I guess that. Well, there goes that. Anyways, I'm in New York City for the Patrice O'Neill event benefit, I should say. The third annual time is flying by, and this is such a wonderful event. It's the most positive thing I do every year, and we got a hell of a lineup this year.

As always, we got some new faces. We got some new blood. This is the first year we actually met. We got a couple guys on that were, you know, I think got to see Patrice before they were even comics, I'm guessing, by their age, Michael Chey and Hannibal Burr. So that's pretty cool to have that sort of element,

like watching people who were influenced by Patrice's comedy before they started, or at least very early on in their career, they were able to see him. So I'm really looking forward to that. And once again, it's just such a great benefit. And all you guys who've gone out throughout the years and have bought tickets, it's really,

you know, had such a positive effect on the people that Patrice loved, because, you know, unlike a lot of fucking charities where there's an infrastructure and there's people getting paid, nobody gets paid, like I said, the only money we have to spend is the money to rent out the venue,

and then the rest of it goes to his loved one. So it's really just like direct. Like, you know, when you want to help wounded warriors and veterans, like you just wish you could just be like, give me the name of the person and where they live, and can I just fucking write a check to this person directly?

Then of course, then they would just put it in the bank and then it would be considered income, and then they get taxed on it, right? Is that what it is? Ah, these fucking cunts. I don't know how to do it. But I think the way we're doing it is about the best way you can do it. And by the way, did you see all that shit on fucking no more? That they don't really do anything

other than just raise awareness? It's the biggest fuck any... I'm telling you right now, I am done with any charity that says they're there to raise awareness. Fuck no more. Fuck that pink shit in October. All of them. It's a bunch... They're the modern day, flimflam,

snake oil salesman. They're all getting rich of people dying of diseases or getting beaten up, spousal abuse, all of that. They're literally going out buying fancy cars and nice houses because regular people feel like

they're doing something. I don't know. Of course, I haven't investigated any of it. I think they're all full of shit, and... I'm done with it now. I'm done with... I think I'm pretty much done with just about every one of them other than...

What's that one that Danny Thomas started? That one has just straighted like a five-star rating. Is it St. Jude's Hospital? That one, and then the thing I talked about a few weeks ago, which I still haven't done because I've been overseas, where you'd see if you're a match

for the bone marrow transplant. You think you can literally save somebody's life. Those types of charities that are transparent, it's just a handful of them, you know? But isn't that... Isn't that the truth with everything? I mean, there's a lot of people that play music, but how many are really good?

Charities are no different to everybody. All right, let's get on with... Oh, is this a bad thing? Is it bad to think someone's a bad mother because they still wear leather pants?

That's probably a bad thing, right? I'm here in New York, and I was sitting down eating yet another bad slice of pizza in New York City, you know? New York City is just like Chicago where it's known for its pizza, so there's so many fucking places that are living off that reputation

that, like, you have to talk to somebody that lives in Chicago and they'll tell you where to go, and pretty much there's like five fucking places, maybe, in each city that people will recommend, and everything else is bullshit, so this place across the street, of course, is bullshit.

And I'm sitting there, I'm eating my slice of pizza, and they got some sort of Latino Judge Judy thing going on, and which is just at a total different level where, on this show, the defendants can actually

put their hands on each other. I guess once one's a, the prosecution, once the defendants, whatever, whatever the fucking legal term is, the person bitching and the person getting bitched at, they can actually, like, one, this guy, he actually ran up to this woman and ripped her shirt open and pulled out

like, I don't know, if he was bitching that her bra was stuffed, and that's what he was suing her over, some sort of false advertising. I have no idea, the sound was down and even it was up, it was in a different language, and I was the only one

watching it other than the guy making pizza, so when he ripped her shirt open, I screamed out, what? And his pizza place, and everyone's looking at me like, what am I talking about? By the time they looked up, they'd cut away, so, I don't know, maybe they thought I was some sort of

Latino guy and I could read lips or some shit, I don't know what, but anyway, so this woman walks in, this lady walks in with the two kids, she's got on leather pants and high-heeled shoes, and just right there, I just immediately judged her like, she's too fucking self-involved to be a good mom.

Then I was like, oh, because of what, her pants and her shoes? Am I wrong for saying that? Ladies, I would love to hear from you. And is there the male equivalent to that? Wouldn't that be like the guy, if you saw a guy, he's a dad of two and he comes in

and he's got his hair highlighted and his fucking eyebrows shaped up, looking like he's trying to do the book of role for the Ricky Martin story, maybe wearing some cologne. Aren't the both of them still kind of

whoring it up? Are you still trying to find a mate? Like, what's going on here? Probably everything. You know what, somebody's probably going to take an excerpt of that and then put it on there and then it'll be like, oh, sexist rats on the Monday morning broadcast. Fucking morons.

Anyways, yeah, there you go. I'm just being honest, like, I feel like if I see a woman with kids and she's wearing leather pants, I'm going to say that, I don't know, somebody might fall in a swimming pool

and it's going to take you a minute to get there. Oh, shit. Anyways, Hong Kong, H-O-N-K, Hong Kong. By the way, people who live in Hong Kong are known as honkies.

How funny is that? Well, I think it's funny. Hang on. Ahem. Ahem. Yeah, all right. Hong Kong. Oh, by the way, India, there's so many fucking people there. It takes you a minute to be able to breathe that fucking air.

I definitely felt like I've done a couple times living in Los Angeles. I've gone on a hike, you know, in my leather pants, but I don't have any children, so it's okay. My leather hiking shorts, and if I

am jogging a little bit and I'm, you know, breathing hard or whatever, I felt a burning in my chest on, like, really smoggy days. But I was not jogging when I was in India, and there was definitely this this, like,

you know, it takes a second for your body to get used to, oh, it's going to be this level. You know? Haven't said all of that, and as much as a pain in the ass as it was to get the fucking slip and all that, I can't wait to go back. Ahem.

All right, Hong Kong. Bill, you probably already talked about this, but can you speak about the pollution and the constant tickle in your throat caused by the air over there, if you haven't already? Oh, that's what somebody experienced that in Hong Kong. I didn't feel that. I felt that in India. I felt there was

that tickle in your throat. Ahem. There was definitely it was definitely hazy, but LA gets hazy. Ahem. But I would think a lot of that was, yeah, there's just a zillion people over there.

Ahem. Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to start saying a bunch of negative shit. There's already enough negative shit about a lot of places over there. They're fucking amazing cities to go to. I highly recommend it, but yeah, there's definitely a zillion people

and you see the effects on the environment, which is why it's funny when people deny global warming and that we're having any sort of an effect on the environment or any of that type of shit. And for years, that was at the beginning of time the fucking earth is

heated up and cooled down. Jesus fucking Christ. I am not a scientist, but they seem to be very alarmed at the rate that it is heating up this time. And this time of year, people always point at snowstorms and go, you see

it's snowing in February. This one scientist guy was saying that both the summers and the winters are going to have are going to be really erratic and all I can say about it is I hope that the people who say it isn't true

are right because if we're having an effect on it and we're not fucking with the population other than to keep adding to it oh my god, I almost said the worst joke ever forecast calls for a shitstorm oh, I'm such a gemini sorry, sorry

to anybody who ever remotely even liked or enjoyed comedy because I just ruined it a part of it, you know what I mean? What I just did to comedy with that awful joke was like during a war when a city gets bombed and

a really old historic building gets blown up. That's what I just did. Really Billy? I think you just told a bad joke I think comedy will be fine you fucking jerk off. Alright, foreign music Billy, have you developed a love for any music you've heard while traveling?

I traveled so much I didn't have a chance to take in too too much of anything I will tell you that when I was in Singapore

I think I was in Singapore I walked into that hotel that has the infinity pool at the top that you're not allowed to go into I discovered unless you were a guest I just wanted to walk out and go see it and they were like, ah no I'm sorry I can't do that and then the lady was like

well he's doing a show here in town and they were like, yeah well have fun at the show, you still can't look at the pool when I was in the lobby of that hotel there was there was these women playing I don't know these instruments from Asia basically as far as I can

tell you know that one that has the strings but you hit it with little hammers they have it in every karate movie that I've ever watched not during a fight scene it's usually when the person comes, the hero comes to town and the hot girl in the village

that the douchebag that the hero is going to have to fight notices the hero when he comes to town and then that guy immediately hates the hero and then they have to fight over her vagina basically you know that instrument that's played in the background

that one and I like the music I like the mood that that creates by the way I'll tell you right now, Chinese girls are fucking hot good lord, beautiful fucking stunning same thing with the women in Singapore they all got some cutie pies

you know, every goddamn country I went to every country has cutie pies, I'll tell you that I'll tell you that right now and as far as music I didn't fucking listen to anything other than I heard that shit in a lobby that was it you know what's funny with the hotel we were staying at

in Hong Kong they had all these beautiful fucking women working there all these Chinese women right and they all had names like Susan and Ethel Meg and then you'd walk out and go to a store across the street

and everybody would have like Chinese names just like Jesus Christ what are you doing here I know your name isn't Helen fuck, I forgot to do that joke you know what I wanted to open with in India I was just so fucking tired I forgot I wanted to open with

you know what it's nice to be here in India and I know I've already probably talked to most of you on the phone and by the way everybody in America knows your name isn't Scott you know when you do that is there anything else I can help you with

what is your name? Scott no it isn't my name is Dakota that's going to be funny when they update it to those fucking awful celebrity names people name their kids now what the fuck do they name them

you name a kid like carburetor or some dumb shit like that you help my wife give birth the fuck out of here the fuck out of here well if she heard that joke I did a few minutes ago she'd have a miscarriage you help me with my wife give birth

dear Billy boy I am writing to you from my lovely wife's hospital room and she gave birth to our beautiful and thankfully not redheaded little lady oh fuck you my wife was a complete champ going through

29 long hours of labor holy shit no wonder they can bitch longer than we can if they're fucking built to take 29 hours of labor do you think you're going to beat them in a fight about whether you can watch the game or not fucking it's over before it starts one round lost

and now I have a huge respect for mothers everywhere after seeing what an intense process that is firsthand anyways that's hilarious it took 29 hours of labor at what point did your opinion start to change you know I gotta say

these mothers they got something that's funny that I'm judging that lady wearing the fucking leather pants she probably went through 29 hours too right at least between the two kids and the fact that she can still fit into leather pants you know I don't know maybe that's my insecurity

but I think she's still trolling for cock anyways let's take that out of context let's just shove that somewhere put that on the news anyways my reason for writing is while she was in labor I tried to play some music to help distract her

from the contractions after about three songs and a few contractions she said to me and I quote this music isn't helping I need something else put on bill burr's podcast bullshit

jesus christ I pushed it out she wanted to fucking stop hearing my dumb voice obviously I obliged the woman giving birth to my child and we sat there listening to old freckles distract her from the pains of labor I am sure the nurses were a bit confused

when they heard a litany of shits fucks and cunts coming from the phone but we didn't care because it was helping thanks for all you do and for helping distract my wife for a while from her uterus trying to push a little wrecking ball through her birth canal thanks and go fuck yourself

well there you go see that my podcast can be used for things that are good right? isn't that lovely alright go on to the next one co-worker dear william

there's a woman or as I like to say a fucking lady at my workplace who I am in love with for a project and I was handpicked oh fuck I just forgot you know something that I love about traveling is

the random shit that you see somebody bought me a cigar when I was in New Zealand thank you by the way and they had a cutter and matches and all that shit not everybody heard that and I said thank you please don't do that nobody else do that because I am really trying

to cut down my habit but I appreciate the gesture so anyways he gets me that and by the way if you're gonna pick out a fucking cigar you gotta pinch the end where you put your mouth and it's supposed to be spongy supposed to go in and then when it comes it's supposed to immediately come back

and then it's gonna have a nice draw the rest of the cigar it doesn't fucking matter alright cause if it's hard where you put your mouth it's like you ever have like a straw in a milkshake that's too thick and you can't even fucking enjoy it

that's when it ends up happening but having said that that's another reason why I don't want to fucking cigar from someone in the crowd because if you're actually pinching it I don't know where your fingers have been and it just gets gross so anyways but I'm smoking the cigar anyways and

I'm in Auckland, New Zealand right had a great show played this unbelievable theater and they had this organ there that it was one of the top five or six organs in the world and you know you see an organ with those giant pipes you just think they're playing and that's

the pipes that you're seeing is you know where all that music's coming from it isn't it's actually those pipes are just for shelf for the most part and you go in the back I mean this lady took me in the back there was three floors

of inner workings to this organ and I'm telling you like giant rooms of things that you know opened and contracted like a goddamn accordion and then all these different size pipes all the way down to these little things you could

smoke crack out of that all were part of that sound and I guess these old guys would come in every uh like month to retune it I don't even know if I need to retune that many times but I guess they love the fucking organ so much they used to joke it was like

their train set but um anyway so it's just as far as like random shit that you see so I'm smoking this cigar and it's like one in the morning I mean fucking New Zealand other side of the world all the way down near fucking Antarctica it feels like

and all of a sudden somebody walks by I swear to God with like a Mitchell and Ness art monk jersey a Washington Redskins jersey I'm looking like is that a fucking Redskins jersey in Auckland New Zealand and then look in the back and it's art monk

not only is it a jersey a fucking great jersey who the fuck has an art monk jersey great choice what the hell has that that's one of my I hated him when he played because I was a big time Cowboys fan back then before uh

old Jimmy Facelift came in there and Jerry Jerry Facelift came in Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson I was never able to keep those too straight uh so anyways I like that's the type of shit I like it's just the randomness of that

I saw and there's a bunch of bootleg Yankee shit because wearing like a Yankees hat or anything New York it's just like you know it's like the fucking chick who wears the Paris shirt that's never been there little Eiffel towers someday but they're not like

Yankee fans I actually heard a funny story of some Mets fan I guess living overseas and couldn't stand that because none of them because he wanted like shit on the Yankees as a Mets fan like I don't know doesn't really have a leg to stand on but uh he'd find out that they were just wearing them to wear them and uh

oh the other thing too is when you go into a country that doesn't really speak English I've told you this shit and I saw this in France where like like the shit that they have in English never makes any sense or it doesn't you know it doesn't mean what they thought it meant

like when I was in Hong Kong I was reading their t-shirts the way they read our tattoos you know we get the Chinese characters where you think like this means like brotherhood this means serenity and it really just means like uh you know take a left on fuckhead street or whatever the hell it means

um somebody had uh ah Christ I knew I should have written down I can't remember somebody actually had a football jersey with the number 69 on it and where the name went it's it's it said

all night hahahaha all night 69 there you go this guy's wants to get some and give some all at the same time good for him uh anyways co-worker there's a lady at my workplace

who I am in love with there was a project and I was handpicked to help out in her department not sure why but there were plenty of other people who could have done it well maybe it was fake maybe it was cupid maybe it was I don't know what something bringing it together

anyways this person says because of this we have worked together on numerous occasions when I'm doing something on the computer and she's sitting beside me helping out I can't help but notice she's looking directly at me Jesus buddy how many more fucking signs do you need

here sometimes she will be one aisle over bent over a desk talking to someone and adjusting her tight jeans where she knows I can see it okay this took a left turn I ain't seeing relationship here buddy I'm seeing uh

I'm seeing a fun time for about six weeks and then I'm seeing you losing your job that's what I'm seeing now alright let's keep reading here we work in a large building and she is all the way on the other side so we correspond by text messaging oh that's always good good move

get it in writing write something lewd to her believe me she'll keep every one of these and when it goes south she'll fucking show it to your boss who probably also wants to bang her we work in a large building often times

when I text her about work or have questions she doesn't respond I'm guessing if she was into me she would reply back immediately but sometimes I get nothing or is she playing hard to get I really want to make a move but there is a fear of hostile

work environment or worse I get fired for sexual harassment if she doesn't have the same feelings towards me it's killing me not knowing what to do because all I do is think about her thanks and go fuck yourself p.s. I'm married and have kids and so does she oh fuck you that was

a big waste of time ah Jesus Christ alright I think that's a podcast for this week right that was a pretty decent effort wouldn't you say decent effort all the way around that's a podcast I want to thank everybody um who came out to my shows

as I toured the south of Asia I still can't believe I got to do that you know as fucked up I was in two countries that had one of the wonders of the world and I saw neither one of them I didn't go to the great wall and I didn't go to the Taj Mahal uh

so yeah what are you gonna fucking do I tried you know I did my thing um anyway so I am in New York City right now and I'm doing the patricio patricio Neil benefit tomorrow night and

uh I don't know I'm on different time zone I might go out to the clubs tonight who knows who knows that's the Monday morning podcast go fuck yourselves thanks for listening and I will talk to each and every one of you next week alright thank you for your patience I know it's coming out late

see ya