Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-10-20

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Bill rambles about Oscar pre-game, nose jobs, and being a leader.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 10th, 2010. What's going on? How are you a fucking piece of fuzz in my goddamn windscreen here? Why don't I, why don't I have a windscreen, you know, inside the house case you turn on the air conditioner, huh? You're fucking warm, freckled, cunt there. Um, how's your life? How's it going? I don't have shit to talk about this week, everybody. So you know what? Why don't we let you go first? Um, I actually have a few things to plug here. Um, oh, Bill, oh, Billy, uh, Bonzo face here. Um, I'm going to be playing drums on the Dean Delray, Dean Delray's Bond Scott tribute. It's going to be March 10th at 7

PM here in Hollywood, California at the Avalon. You can go to Avalon Hollywood.com for tickets. It's going to be the usual rock star studded, uh, lineup. Um, I don't know who I can announce, who I can't announce. I don't know yet as the date gets closer. Now, the last time we did this was a couple of years ago and I got to jam with Nikki six and, uh, Michael Devin and Scotty and it all these amazing people. Dean always brings them out. Last time before that was like Rudy Sarzo, um, all kinds of amazing players and, um, you know, people always think that it's, you know, oh, they're going to do a standup show first, which we are. And then there's going to be some half-assed, like fucking rock show afterwards. It's, it's

an incredible standup show. And then the rock show afterwards just, it's just fucking unbelievable. It was, um, um, the first one was incredible. The next one was even more amazing. And then this one, uh, I talked to a few people that I think are coming down, you know, busy people, people torn and shit, trying to make it happen, but it's going to be fucking insane. Be there March 10th, 7 p.m. at the Avalon in Hollywood, Dean Delray's bond Scott tribute. It's been 40 years since one of the great front men in rock history, bond Scott unfortunately passed away prematurely. Um, so anyway, you know, plowing ahead, plowing ahead. Um, what the hell do I want? Oh, and also I got nothing to do with me. I'm all Billy promo here.

The Bill Burt podcast, episode four dropped last week. Episode five is dropping next week. As you can tell, I didn't write that copy because I don't say drops. Uh, I do say, you know, hit me back when you get a chance. I will say that, but I try not to go too fucking young person, you know, that's, that's young person shit. By the way, I posted something because I was watching some of that XFL very little, but I was watching it and, um, I've always been a big fan of new leagues and rooting for them because, um, I missed the AFL and I missed the ABA and I missed the W H L. And the only thing I got to see was the U S F L and I went to a game, the Boston breakers versus the Washington federals at

Nickerson field and, um, was sold out by the way. And, uh, but by then the NFL was just so established that there was really nothing that could fuck with it. And, um, I was looking at the XFL and I was, I, you know, as a few of them, like the Dallas renegades, their helmet is the shit. So all I do is I fucking, I try to screen grab whatever the fucking kids call it. And I just posted it onto my Twitter and the amount of shit that I got a shit, the amount of shit that I got was ridiculous. All I said, I go, they got a sick fucking logo. They stole it from the Ottawa renegades. I look at the Ottawa one. There's some similarities except their stinks and Dallas's is awesome. So if they stole it

from you, they fucking took it to another level and let's not act like Ottawa pulled that thing out of their ass. A fucking demon looking cowboy with a bandana over his fucking nose. Didn't they steal that from every spaghetti Western that Clint Eastwood was ever in? Sorry, he had to get a drink of water. Oh, I got my, I got my fucking blood going. God forbid you say you like something. It was just overwhelmingly negative. Everybody was saying was awful. And people just sitting there going like the fucking uniforms. I feel like I'm watching like, I don't know what, like any given Sunday. It's like, if you really look at the NFL, a lot of their uniforms look like something you'd see on any given Sunday, you're just

used to it. Okay, I'll start with my team. The New England Patriots, terrible uniform, terrible logo, terrible colors that silver with the blue and the red. I fucking hate it. I like it cause I associate it with winning. And when they go back to the old fucking Paul Revere, you know, bent over getting the fucking ball on the side of the helmet with the red jerseys, I look at those and I get sick to my stomach because I think the, you know, I go back like anytime Tom Brady would wear it, I'd be like, take that fucking thing off. You're going to jinx yourself. Okay. The Seattle Seahawks, terrible, terrible fucking uniform, the Denver Broncos. You tell me these all don't look like expansion franchises.

Who else? Who else has a bad one? Houston, Texans, the fucking the Titans, all of those look like just fucking like, I don't know. And then you get other ones that are just so goddamn plain, but you're used to them like the Vikings and the Packers and the bears. They have like a history behind them. But if they just came out, you'd be like, these are like the lamest, like this is like when they first got a computer and they discovered emojis and people would be shitting all over those two. So I love a random league going up and I'm not mad at watching football 12 months out of the year. You know, and then a new league always has like some cool rules. I saw this, they get kicked the fucking ball

out of bounds on the kickoff after a score and they put the ball on the team that kicked it off. They put it on their 45 yard line. So immediately it was this massive, massive fuck up. I like when they do shit like that. And they're over time is each person gets like the ball like either four or six times. Versey was telling me and you try to convert six out of six, two point conversion. Sorry. They're watching, watching the Oscars downstairs, which is the perfect time for me to do my podcast. And it is a perfect time because I won't get into a fight. Cause whenever I watch award shows, I always get into fights with Nia because I just watch shit on TV and I make fun of it. And, and she really, really

loves it. She's really into it. So I got to make sure that I don't ruin it for cause they were downstairs. My mother in law, everybody's over, right? So I was downstairs. I poked my head in, you know, and they had all the, you know, the poor fucking women, right on the red carpet, just starving themselves for weeks on end. You can see their rib cage all the way up to their fucking larynx, right? Everybody on E is dressed up like they're nominated for something. It was fucking hilarious. And, uh, yeah, I just felt bad for them because then everybody picked some apart and all that type of shit. And I was really sitting there looking at it and I finally just said, just started curiosity cause they, cause they were

shitting on this one woman's dress saying it was the color of bile, whatever color that is, right? And then another woman comes out. It's the exact same fucking fabric and they love that one. So I just said, just out of curiosity, what is the difference between that dress and the last dress other than the color? And the, you know, my mother in law left cause she's the coolest person ever, right? But the look that I got from all the, you know, chicks there, my wife's age and younger, that general, they all looked at me like, and I got, well, that's like a fucking Chanel and that up there is a fucking beer away. And it's like all, I don't know. So, um, and then the next person they showed,

some movie star guy who's wearing a tuxedo, it's like, Oh my God, now that is a bow tie. That's another great thing about being a guy. You just throw in the fucking tuxedo. They don't, they have no fucking idea whether you went down to fucking Teddy's tuxedo, or you actually bought some, I mean, I wouldn't, I wouldn't think, right? It's fucking great. Being a guy is great. And that's why women are constantly fucking bitching constantly. You know what I mean? It all comes down to, no matter what they're complaining about, just know in the back of their head, they know that if your wife knows that if you were walking on rent carpet, all you'd have to do is take a shower and shave and throw on the same fucking

tuxedo every other guy has, and you will not be judged. Just lay off the booze for fucking seven to 10 days and you're going to look like a million bucks. And the fucking 1200 miles of shit that a woman has to go through to try to look her best, seeing stars puking behind dumpsters, just to have some fucking guy, you know, fucking tear the shit out of you. It really is a thankless job. So I came up right as the, right as the, the thing started, and Jenelle Monnier was out there and she came out dressed as Mr. Rogers. And I have to say, as a white person, I was offended with that reverse cultural appropriation. Okay, Mr. Rogers was white. Okay, let's not blackwash white history.

All right, then I got upstairs and was like, wait a minute, then they make a movie about it. There was a documentary that I saw. So maybe that was a nod to that because it probably got nominated because I think it was really good. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I think it's going to be another long night of people making everything about themselves. I want to thank the Academy and as a, you know, a fucking left-handed hermaphrodite with the speech and pediment, I just want to say, you know, it's going to be all of that. It's like, you got an award. What are you? You're famous. What is the problem? You're making millions. What is the problem? What it is, is you got to say something crazy

or else you just get lost in the shuffle. I get it. Like, I don't even think half of those people are serious. It's just they're trying to get as much as they can out of that moment. They don't give a shit about the dolphins, right? They don't give a fuck about one-legged little people living under bridges, whatever the fuck their cause is. What they care about is that their speech is going to go viral. So with any luck, you were touched funny as a little person, right, as a kid, and you can go up there and you can tell that story because, you know, the band's not going to start playing if you start telling a story about getting touched. There's a strategy to this, okay? If you just go up there and just be like, man, I can't, I mean, I never would have thought a

million years I'd be up here. And the only reason why I'm up here is because of a zillion other people's hard work editing and putting music underneath me and the people who wrote the stuff that I said, God bless all of you because I'm getting the victory, but it's, you know, it's really you guys. If you just say that, then that that speech is never going to exist. You'll never see it again. You'll see it on boring.com the next day. But if you fucking go up there and talk about how you lost a toe to diabetes when you were at a rally to save fucking, uh, uh, I don't know, fucking one of those frogs, what I'm trying to think the fucking TCU, come on frogs, what are they? The horn frogs trying to save horn frogs. You lost a fucking toe. Some shit like

that. Some about global warming. Okay. Uh, being a victim of a creepy guy, um, some sort of disease, any of that shit, you got to work that into your speech or just just you're going to get lost in the zeitgeist. Did I use that word correctly? I always say that word when they talk about shit like that. So anyway, they're downstairs watching that shit. And what I'm going to do is I'm going to do my podcast, right? And then I'm going to, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to slip away, right? Play little drums and then I'm going to go out and go do a fucking spot. That's what I'm going to do in my, I'm not really slipping away. She knows that's what I'm doing. And she also knows that that's where I'm supposed to be. There's sort of an unwritten rule when that shit's going on,

when there's shit that she really likes, like when the sex and the city girls get together again and they make another fucking movie and she's renting it and her friends are downstairs watching it. I know that that is my cue to hit the fucking bricks, to beat it, right? You got to do that because you got to understand that's your wife's, you know, Super Bowl, the Super Bowl, football, watching sports, it's all fucking stupid. All right, but it's not stupid to you because you're into it. Does that make sense? I mean, how fucking dumb is it? Speaking of what, you know, there was a lot of backlash about the fucking, uh, the halftime show at the Super Bowl. You know what I mean? And what I loved was like, how come JLo's getting shit and that

fucking guy from Maroon five didn't? It's like, because she went way further. Both of them were wildly inappropriate for like a football game when there's kids there. I agree with, with, with people, um, this is one of these things where I'm oddly conservative. I don't even think conservative. Like it's fucking weird to be doing sexual shit to an audience that has children there. You know what I mean? To come out there all shirtless and grinding your fucking dick and all of that shit. Listen, in defense of Adam Levine, I didn't watch the halftime show. I fucking plowed through the shit, right? But like JLo, I mean, come on, you just sit, because there's a bunch of women going like, how come what she does that? It's like, well, if Adam Levine shaved his privates

and then put a piece of duct tape over him and started humping a strip of pole, I think that that would be, you know, you know, there's all different levels of theft, right? There's, there's, there's petty theft. There's, there's fucking grand larceny. Oh, what? I don't know. There's a whole bunch of them. I don't know what the fuck they are. Let's sit here and act like I have a goddamn law degree. But I will tell you this. The halftime show at a Super Bowl is when you, when you go sexual like that, it's fucking bizarre. Like JLo show in a middle of a football game was as fucking bizarre as if you went to Vegas to see JLo show. And then she, for 20 minutes, she went back to take a break and then all of a sudden they played football on the same fucking stage. You'd be like, the fuck

am I watching here? Having said that, I think there's bigger fish to fry out there. And I don't think that many people were offended by it. But I would never say that somebody who's sitting there with their kid, if a fucking like 89% naked woman comes out in the middle of a football game, the championship game, by the way, too, like the fucking most watch game, or like some guy comes out like shirtless and it's just sort of like, you know, all sweaty and fucking whatever the fuck he did. Yeah, that's like, you wouldn't do that. I don't know. I think it's weird because that's not your show. Okay, you're doing like, like, like, like a guest, you're doing a guest spot when the show is the football game. So you're doing a guest spot. So you know, you should fucking try

to act accordingly. Now, if all those people took their kids to your fucking rock show, or your stripper pole show, then you know, that's on them. They can go fuck themselves, right? It's like people get offended by a comedian, right? If you go to a comedy club, go fuck yourself, right? Now, if you hire me to do a private gig and you go, Hey, whatever you do, don't talk about X, Y, and Z. And then I go up and I do it. I'm a fucking asshole and you shouldn't pay me. Does that make sense? Listen, I'm not trying to say somebody shouldn't be allowed to get a Brazilian wax from their fucking asshole to their ball bag and go out there with no shirt on and fucking sing in a high pitch voice. Okay, you can do that on you do that on your tour. All right, we got

kids here. Kids like, you know, there's people in the fucking crowd that probably went to Super Bowl 12 with their dad. And now, you know, then they brought their kid to Super Bowl 25. And now there, you know, now you're a grandfather and you're going to the God, you know, and when they came up, there was just like, it was like a college band would just go out in the field, you know, what babe, babe, babe, babe, it's all it was. Anyway, plowing ahead, plowing ahead, there's nothing wrong. Okay, with football, there's nothing wrong with maroon five. There's nothing wrong with the Brazilian chick or JLo. Okay, it's just, you know, it's like there's nothing wrong with orange juice and there's nothing wrong with brushing your teeth. But if you do one right after the other,

it's not a good thing. All of a sudden, it becomes annoying. Having said that, for all the feminists out there, I hope you win the right to be able to walk around shirtless. I hope you fucking, I hope you win that one, you know, let us guys know what's up, right? Take that. There's my titties, huh? Think you're running shit? Take a look at those fucking tattoos. And I love it too, because I feel like it cuts women's power in half because it cuts their power in half because so much the power that a beautiful woman has, you know, you can't even talk when you're around them, you make dumb decisions, you know, you start fucking, you know, you say, you know, they got your house, right? And all I gotta do is show a

little bit of cleavage and smell a certain way and you're going to make some of the dumbest decisions of your life. Now, but if you're walking around looking at titties all the fucking time and then she comes in with her titties out, it's like really not that big a deal. So now what they're gonna have to show is they'd have to show like either ass or clam cleavage, you know, to get you to get rid of your house. So I think that that's a good one. I think that's good for everybody. Women can feel like, you know, they have the same freedoms as guys and then guys can feel a little more on, on, on level ground when they're dealing with a beautiful woman who's using like her beauty to try to manipulate you into doing something that, you know, if you really sat down and thought

about it, if you could rub one out real quick and then, you know, you had your little clear head there, you wouldn't do it. Am I crazy? Hey, I think me and Bert are gonna go to the opening Los Angeles Wildcats. They could have come up with a better fucking name than how many Wildcats are there? Are there any Wildcats in Los Angeles? You know what they should have done? They should, I just wish that, you know, it's a fucking expansion league. They should have just gone for it. You know what I mean? There's two ways that I would have, I would have gone either humor, I would have gone straight up ethnic. I don't, I don't know why ethnic does not mean white people, but for whatever reason it doesn't. Like I gotta make sure this is not an offensive word before

I say this, but I would just dial in to one non-white ethnicity. I'd either go black or Latino. I think I'd go Latino because I think they're underserved in, in professional sports. I'd go after that market and then they would build their whole fucking fan base around that and it would be too cool for the mainstream to fucking ignore and then you'd pull in the white people that way. Okay, here we go. All right, what is this? Cholo. Is that an offensive term? A man of indigenous or partly indigenous ancestry, a young informal, a young man belonging to a Mexican-American urban subculture associated with street gangs. Also, maybe that's a bad thing because I was saying, like the Los Angeles Cholos, right? You could fill the void of the

Raiders losing. You'd give Raider fans something to do during the off season. They would immediately have this tough fucking vibe. Instead of just going wildcats, man, have you ever, the fucking team is out there, is that right? Unless that's offensive. I don't know. I have no idea, but I would have gone that way instead of just be like the wildcats or you go the other way and you steer into white Hollywood culture. You could, oh, I can't say trophy wives because then you're kind of saying everybody on the team's a bitch. Well, what's a derogate? What's a term for a fucking guy? The Playboys? The Los Angeles Playboys and you just have some, that's just the logo, right? You got some guy, some guy of a certain age with his shirt opened down to his navel. Who should you

be really wearing a fucking turtleneck with some young broad on his fucking arm? And then you get all these fucking ejectifying women. I love how that's like objectifying women. And then you leave a woman up to her own fucking powers and she's going to shave her fucking self and put a goddamn piece of duct tape in Honpa Paul. But that was her decision. Fair enough. Something like that. Like I really thought like, you know, I really thought that the Vegas Knights, I really thought that they could have come up with something a lot better than that. The degenerates. Or what's, let me see, let me see something like for gamblers. Let me see something here.

It's so funny. They sit there and they act like they're not into gambling. You know, they're into fucking gambling. You fucking cocksuckers. All right, let's see here. Synonyms for gamblers. What do we got here? Synonym for gambling. A backer, a stacker, speculator, risk taker. The Vegas risk taker is too long. The Vegas back, the Vegas stackers. Yeah. And you got two stacks of fucking chips and some guy with a Stogie smiling. I mean, I know it's a lot. It's pretty involved in the logo. Something like that. The betters. Yeah. A plugger, a punter, the high rollers, the Vegas high rollers. Come on. You know what it is? It's no matter how new the league is, is it still

going to act like a corporation and corporations fish commercially? That's what they do. It's commercial fishing. So they're going to try to, well, you don't offend people. Like the fact that MLB doesn't call the devil raise, the devil raise anymore, because a couple of Jesus freaks didn't like that devil was in the word. I mean, in the team name, I mean, it's literally the name of a fucking stingray. Right? I mean, I have no idea. I'm one of my fucking Jacques Christel. Anyway, so I'm going to the LA Wildcats versus the Dallas renegades, whatever the fucking name there is, you know, that I guess they stole from the Ottawa renegades who really stole it from us, because we're the fucking cowboys. All right. Not you fucking Canucks up there with your goddamn

snowshoes, driving the indigenous people to the top of the fucking planet, as you for some reason have this reputation for being, you know, all these, like the super nice white people, you know? You know what? I don't buy it. Canada is like one giant Utah. You know, it's like really nice, but this is creepy underbelly and you can't quite put your finger on it. You don't, you just know something happens. And I always think of poltergeist, you know, you move the headstones, but you didn't move the bodies. Remember that? One of the great Craig T. Nelson's one of the great fucking lines in 80s cinema history. I fucking love that. I love the delivery of it. I love the whole thing. All right. All right, Bill, we get it.

You love things. You love things. I also loved, you know, what was fucking hilarious was when I, when I reposted the picture of the Dallas running gates, aside from everybody shitting on it, somebody goes, this is exactly how a boomer posts a picture, right? Which I fucking love. I love that for some fucking reason, Generation X doesn't get any shit whatsoever. We just sitting there laying in the cut, I believe as the young kids say, right? Just sitting there, right? Not getting shit for fucking anything. We're all in our 40s and 50s at this point. We got to be running some bank out there that's doing some fucking bad shit. It's all, if it's not boomers, it's millennials and they're just sitting there yelling at each other. I'm fucking, I'm loving,

I'm loving every fucking minute of that, man. Oh my God. Speaking of the 80s, loving every minute of it. Love a boy. Turn that dial all the way. Shoot me like a rocket in the space. Loving every minute of it. That was the 80s. People were too coked up to take the time to write lyrics that really meant anything, right? And that opened the door for a band called lover boy and God damn it, you know, and I've always maintained that the lead singer may or may not have been Dan Marino. I'm not sure. All right. Anyway, how about those Boston Bruins? How about your Boston Bruins? Huh? Six in a row. I think they just came up a four or five game road trip, whatever. God damn, I think they won every game since the fucking all star break. I've been keeping

up with them, but I only, I watched, I watched them against the desert dogs there, the Phoenix Coyotes, Phil Kessel, former Bruin, former Maple Leaf, two-time Stanley Cup winner in Pittsburgh has now brought his services down there to Phoenix. He's having the perfect career. He was in a cold city, went to an even colder city and then dialed it back down again. And now he's just like, you know what? I feel like I'm in, you know, second half of my career here. I'd like a little more sunshine after a nice morning skate. Happy for him. He had a nice power play goal, but I was also more happy that we won the brusque. I feel is really fucking turning into, uh, something that's going to be special for the Bruins. Jolly coil. I believe he's some way myth. Wagner's from Walpole

Mass. I'm fucking loving this team. You know, all we got to do when missing is we got to bring some enforcer up from the goddamn miners. All right. And the next time we play the fucking St. Louis blues, we got to, or the fucking Columbus bluejackets with that Claude Lemieux looking the other way and accidentally punch and took in the head. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see that. How do you accidentally give somebody a concussion? Get the fuck out of here. Um, yeah, we need somebody that's going to make people pay for, uh, taking liberties there, if you know what I mean. Um, we need somebody brave. Oh my God, it's time for advertising. Brave everybody. Uh, you are living in the surveillance economy.

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Helix Helix is offering up to $200 off mattress orders for our listeners. Get up to $200 off at helix sleep.com slash burr. B U R R all capitals. Well, there you go. There's a lot of people out there that have problems sleeping. It's probably your mattress. Cause God knows, you know, from what I've heard, you know, after a couple of years of sleeping on the same mattress, you know, there's enough fucking extra skin laying around. Oh, it's something gross. You drooled all over it. Who the fuck knows? You should probably do it. All right. All right. I want to thank everybody came out to chew mash casino up in Santa Inez. I was going to chop up there, but it's an uncontrolled airport and there's not a lot of lights and stuff like that. So I decided not to, you see that

everybody? It's what I did there. I've been having a great time getting ready for that gig though. I was doing, I was doing stand up in a bunch of random rooms. You know, I usually just go down to the comedy store and I was just kind of feeling like, you know what, I don't want to go down. There's so many, you know, every, every room is packed. I just want to go to some random rooms. I really feel like I need to lean on the microphone stand and just like, like I always do that anyways, but I mean, just really just sort of work my way through some shit. So I did three random rooms. Let's see. I did one, I think Wednesday, Thursday. No, Friday was the gig. Oh, wait, no, I did Wednesday, Thursday. And then Saturday, I went to a place I usually don't go to. And I

went to the smaller rooms and low and behold, low and behold, it was, it was fun again. And then I got to see a bunch of young comics that I'd never seen before that were fucking hilarious. I don't know. And I feel like you get better and you, you in a way, you're act stage young being around them without you even noticing it. Because I've seen those guys when they start selling tickets and they don't come around to the clubs anymore, they just sort of age out with their, with their, with their fan base. They get older, their fans get older. And then you're just up there, you know, singing fucking five foot two eyes up blue, you know, doing the fucking senior circuit. So I'm trying to avoid that, but I think I'm going to be doing a lot more of that. And then I'll

miss the comedy store and I'll go back. I'll still do the comedy store. I love the comedy store, but I'm just saying I'm trying to put together. There's a couple of things that I've been working on and want to work on. And it just sort of requires bombing. And there's just so many murderers at the store. You know what I mean? Go up after fucking Joey Diaz. I mean, you got to bring the lumber, Joe Rogan, all right, the Leah, I mean, they just, it's just one fucking murderer after another. So it was nice to kind of go down there and just try to work through some shit. They used to be a fucking, this theater that I used to go to out here and of course, some fucking rich assholes fucking rich assholes bought it and knocked it down. It just sucks, man. I used to go down there

and Mark Marin told me about it, speaking of fucking beasts. He told me about it and he goes, yeah, man, I just go down there and he goes, I don't take any money, you know, they sell it out and I just get to work out my shit. And I'm like, that's fucking brilliant. So I started doing it and thanks to him. And then you know what they did? They went to Steve Allen theater, they went ahead and they fucking knocked the goddamn thing down. Oh, dude, I got a fucking hilarious story about that one time I was, I was, I did a show down there and I was coming out and I was, as I got into my car, I was starting to back up and drive away and there was just this one lone fan left in the parking lot, like six other random cars there

and he was walking up to my car smiling and he waved and I waved back to him and I just drove away going, what the fuck was that? And in my head, I was like, you know, that kind of looked like so and so that fucking lunatic looked like so and so like this guy that I knew. And then I went home and like two days later as I checked my email and I had an email from that guy telling me he was coming down to the show, it was him. And he smiled and waved to me and I smiled and waved to him and I just fucking drove away because I thought he was just some psycho that went to my show. I didn't realize it was and it was this guy that I'm like friends with, but like I don't see him all the time. So it wasn't like he could just text me or whatever. I don't

know, it was just, it was fucking hilarious. And then I ended up emailing him back and then he never got back to me. And then I finally ran into him. He goes, oh, yeah, I saw that was no big deal. I thought he was like pissing me or something, but I just remembered that. So anyway, you might be seeing me in some random rooms over the next month working on my shit. I really been enjoying, you know, none of my acting work and shit is done. I really just fucking enjoy we're in between seasons, efforts for family, just going back to doing what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing in this business, which is just being an idiot on stage. And I've been having a lot of fucking fun. It's just it's the greatest fucking job there is whoever invented standup comedy,

I am forever in debt and all the people that fucking kept it going before me. There's no way to ever thank him. It's the greatest fucking job. So I will be fucking around in some way. You know who knows, you might be out getting a fucking cheesesteak and all the sudden a fucking show starts and my dumb ass will be up there. Anyway, speaking of that, I've been eating like shit lately. I gotta stop. I have to, you know what happened was I quit the fucking cigars, the sea guys. So now now I got nothing meant. So like, I kind of went back to like sweets and fucking eating like shit like once every other day, just like one bad meal, which still isn't that bad. But like, I got to watch it here. Hey, Billy, you got to watch it.

Okay, you ain't a spring chicken no more. All right. Okay, let's let's do a little some little questions here here. All right, bubble bath shit. Dear baby back bitch burr. Okay, I like that one. On January 27, Monday morning podcast, you said that you don't think there was anything more boring than taking a bubble bath. But on January 30, Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, you go into great detail about drawing a piping hot bath after your acting gig sounds like you really enjoyed it. What are you saying? Am I hit? You finally figured out I'm a fucking hypocrite. He goes, so which one is it? Are baths boring? Or were you able to change your opinion over the course of three days? I love the podcast.

And I love your live shows. I see you in Chicago every opportunity I get. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right, well, this is what happened to me between Monday and Thursday on Wednesday. I had an acting gig as I went into great detail. I, yeah, they had me running like TJ Hooker for an afternoon, you know, which would have been great in my twenties. And maybe even into my thirties, but at 51, yeah, I came home and I felt like I had fucking played. I wouldn't say tackle football. I felt like I played touch football in the street, you know? And so I was enjoying it is for the fact of being an old person pouring epsom salt in there. But as far as like, if I wasn't sore, so is the deal. I guess basically if my body is aching,

because I'm old and I pushed it too far, I don't mind taking an epsom salt bath. However, my wife tells me I have to stay in there for 20 minutes and I have to tell, I will tell you after eight minutes, I am like, I like this has to be 20 minutes. And I looked down on it's like eight minutes and 37 seconds and shit. So I do think it's boring. You know, and if they could somehow just make the epsom salt work a little bit quicker, I would appreciate that. So I could feel even more privileged to live in this country. So that's, that's what I would say to us. All right, sir. So judging by your, your, your question here, I would say that you are a fan of baths. And I would never want to, you know, shower shame you by telling you that baths are

boring. So by all means, these fucking goddamn computer update, not installed. What the fuck do I have to every fucking goddamn three fucking days? I use so little of my fucking computer. And what I hate is this, no, like that's what you do. You click on details and you hit off because it's like now in one hour later, fuck off. Unbelievable. It's unbelievable how they just do not get prosecuted for deliberately making shit obsolete with all the fucking environmental fucking problems. Oh, I know why it is. I know why it's not a fucking problem because, you know, because they fucking pay off the politicians. I will tell you what will never cease to fucking maze me though is regular Americans excited about

a president. It is just will never never like into think, you know, like when Obama was in all these fucking liberal idiots thinking that he was out there working for them. And then you see Trump goes in, he got all these fucking goddamn people out there don't have a fucking pot to piss in and they think that he's going to turn their fucking life around. It's just never fucking never ceases to amaze me. I don't want to be negative here, but guys, you're on your own. All right, which is why it's such a great thing as a regular fucking citizen to try and help out another fellow American, despite their fucking political views, you just help them out because that's what you should do as a decent human being. And unfortunately, politicians are they're fucked

from day one. They're just so grossly underpaid. And the only way that they're going to fucking be able to feed themselves and not die eating cat food is if they blow these fucking corporations so that they can then go on the speech tour. I'll tell you what's going to be fucking hilarious. It's going to be the Trump speech tour. That's the one I want to that's the one that I want to see. You know what I mean? The Obama one would just be annoying because he would come off like a fucking hero and it's just like you did the same filthy shit all the other ones did. I would tell you this, I do like how George W just fucking disappeared. Like fuck this, the fucking I'm out. I'm out. See you later. Just hangs out and paints

goes to a baseball game with Ellen DeGeneres like he's doing it right. Guys got to figure it out. He's probably deep sea fishing right now. That's got to be what kind of a fucking come down is that's got to be like it's got to be the day that you're looking forward to most throughout most of your presidency, especially during the difficult days, but there has to be an unbelievable fucking letdown. The day that ends, let's say you're a two term president for eight fucking years, you never fucking sat in traffic, never a TSA line you had to sit through, you just got on the fucking plane, took you wherever you wanted to go,

right? Any musician you're into would come over to your fucking house that you're living in for free and do a private concert. I call you Mr. President. I can't imagine it. AC DC came over here and called me Mr. Podcaster and it only lasts for four to eight years and then it's just fucking over. And then the rest of your life, you got to go out and give speeches to some of the most heartless, evil fucking people on the planet and you have to talk to them like they're human beings and you have to go there and fucking dance for an hour and give them a fucking private speech. So they'll give you 300 grand, right? After taxes, probably about a buck 35 within that tax bracket, I would think, right? And you know that they're just shitting it out.

They don't give a fuck. And you were the president, you were the leader of the free world and every one of them's got a bigger boat than you. They got a bigger fucking house than you. They'd probably call you by your first name. A rock, B rock, fucking it up. Don A. It's gonna say to Donald when he comes walking in. Don A. Hey little George, Billy. All right, why billionaires want to be president? Good morning, Billy. I'm too good for liquor and cigars. Oh God, I miss it. I don't think about booze too much anymore. I have to go a while with cigars. I've almost caved like I just had the great Tom Papa on my podcast this past Thursday and he said something because he's cut off his cigar smoking.

Not completely, but he's cut it down. But he said something that has stuck with me because I didn't notice I was doing about it. He said, I think about it every day. And I have to tell you I do. I actually, I watched a video on YouTube of the cigar bar that I used to go to and their entire process of picking cigars and making them and aging them. Oh God. You know, I feel like that fucking guy wearing his high school football jacket talking about glory days. All right. On the February 4th, Monday morning podcast, you asked about why billionaires want to be president. Yes. And my theory before you get into it was that they wanted to change a bunch of laws to help their businesses in the private sector. That's what I thought.

All right. He said, well, I can't speak from experience having roughly a billion dollars short of a billion dollars. I am a philosophy student. Oh, perfect. So I can pretend to know pretty well. I love it. I can hang out with this person. This person's like me. Horribly underqualified yet is now going to go, you know, pontificate. Perfect. All right. He said Plato. Oh Jesus. Not the, not the shit kids play with the, the fucking guy there. Was he Italian? There was Greek. Plato, Plato. I think he's Italian, right? Hang on a second. Let's, let's look at this fucking guy. Plato, P L A T O. Philosopher. Let's see what this guy was. Was he, they seem like they were all Greek. He was born in Greece. I thought, I thought they all had the IS and I

thought the, oh, I thought that was Italian. All right. Plato wrote in his classic work, The Republic, book eight, if you ever learned to read, I didn't know he had eight books. I guess he has more that all democratic people are consumed with unnecessary appetites. All right. Wait, let's go back. Plato wrote in his classic work, The Republic, that all democratic people are consumed with unnecessary appetites. So now consider, so consider now a person with essentially infinite, dude, see you read those books. I'm too dumb to know what that means are consumed with unnecessary appetites. Well, that would be like, uh,

I don't know. Like, I don't, I don't know what that means other than food. They're eating too many Snickers bars. Anyway, so consider now you're a person with essentially infinite money or more precisely multiple billions of dollars and what that money gives you access to. If you got anything at any time, I suspect that eventually you become bored. What is the one thing they can't buy? Democratic political power is one of the few things that isn't available to them on demand. The fuck are you talking about? You don't think democratic fucking politicians are just as paid for. They're all paid for. That is why they want to be president because money is not an object

and they desire more. They want to be elected because they're selfish asshats who like to swing their dicks around. I hate, I hate. That's that feminist stupid fucking opinion. All these feminists wrote these, these fucking theories about dicks, something they don't have, right? And they think that guys are always walking around wondering how big their dick is versus the other guy who's got the biggest dick in the room. The only person thinking about who has the biggest dick in the room is someone who wants to blow somebody. And that's mostly women and gay guys. So I imagine you guys, I don't fucking go into another room with another guy and think about his dick. I don't. All right. I'm more tuned into if this person's

trying to control me, is there any passive aggression? Is this person going to fuck me over? That's what I think about. I am not thinking about his fucking, fucking little hank down there. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, and to swing their dicks around to remind them, to remind the rest of us that they have everything because it is the only thing that makes them feel anything at all. Wishing all the best to Nia, but you bill can go fuck yourself. Now here's the thing. All right, here's the thing. Your description of a billionaire is as carton-ish, I would imagine, is his image of you, unless he's a self-made man, that they're bored and, you know, and, you know, money's no object. And then they just, they have to do this because they're blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That's just sour grapes from somebody who doesn't have a billion dollars. I'm sorry. Okay. I've met a couple of billionaires. I met one in particular, who's one of the most amazing fucking people I ever met. He was a self-made man and came from nothing. Him and his, I guess, two brothers, all were fucking dirt poor. All three of them became billionaires in different fucking industries. And I met this guy through, you know, I don't want to fucking give away who the fuck it is, but he was sports related. And, uh, was a totally normal fucking person. And after the show, asked like a bunch of great questions about standup, about how I went about it, and was a truly curious person sitting on a billion dollars and did not seem bored at all to

me. He was full of life and curiosity. And I only met him that one time and in that experience stayed with me. So it's kind of like how they look at celebrities, like, you know, people in Hollywood, they're a bunch of fucking, uh, you know, whatever, fucking egomaniacs and then this and then that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The little that I've done in this business, I can tell you that they work their fucking asses off. They're working their fucking asses off. And I know because you see the finished product, like I tell you, you know, you know, standup comedy, easy, easy gig, writing a TV show, editing it and fucking casting it. All of that thing is an endless fucking job that literally breaks people. That's all I can tell you. I know it looks like I'm

telling you, I'm fucking telling you. It's like being in the fucking NFL and now everybody knows how much you get beat up and everybody just, oh my God, this is all fun and fucking blah, blah, blah. I just look at the NBA and all those sports leagues and how you are required to sit down and do a fucking interview after every fucking game. How you have to sit down 82 fucking times and sit there and listen and sit across from some fat fuck who can't even remotely do your job. Okay. Now all you guys are, all you guys talk a good fucking game. All you guys talk a good game. I'm going to tell you this right now. There was a fucking big band, you know, super fucking famous. They parted ways with their lead singer. This fucking karaoke

dude became their lead singer. All right. Somebody literally from the audience, huge fan became their fucking lead singer. You know what that fucking pussy did? He started bitching about doing the fucking road. It's fucking hard. Yeah, it's fucking hard. It's fucking hard. It's not all just hanging out at the fucking chateau fucking doing blow. But that is a big part of it. I'm not going to lie to you. Anyway, so I'm just saying, like, if what I have learned in my life here is that successful people work their fucking balls off. And there's really no way to make it and then put your feet up unless you're old enough that you feel like you're

going to die in the next five years. Because the way the game is set up is if you stop running, you're going to get trampled. Well, what was that? What was that fucking story about that guy who caught that giant fish that took him all the way out to sea? And by the time he brought it back, all these fish had taken giant bites out of it. And he had nothing left but the fucking skeleton. That's what happens when you stop running. So I don't know. Hey, maybe this guy wants to run because he actually thinks he can help out the company company, the country, maybe he's a patriotic guy. But I think Bloomberg's going to get the nomination. And I want to see rogue billionaire versus rogue billionaire pay per view fucking debate. I want to see that because at this point,

it's all out the fucking window. It's all out the window. People that are still supporting Trump when he's so overtly fucking racist, I get that you're conservative, but that fucking guy, stay true to yourself to somebody who's retweeted all of these fucking racist things and seeing neo-Nazis and be like, well, there's two sides to the story. I mean, how you can just so I get that you don't like Democrats, but you know, you can at some level just be like, you know, I don't condone him being overtly raised. I just don't understand that part of it. And it's fucking really depressing. So I feel once again, that if the Democrats run a company man against this guy, they're going to fucking lose. But I think a better matchup like a boxing

matchup, if they're not going to go Bernie Sanders, like the people want, then I think that you got to fight fire with fire and get another fucking crazy billionaire in there. And then they can fucking who's going to stand up to the bully? Because Donald Trump is a fucking bully. It's kind of funny to watch the way he sikes them all out that scowl on his face. All right, we'll see. We'll see what happens. It's definitely a long shot though. All right, data rights and paranoia of the future. Dear Billy Big Balls. Data rights and paranoia of the future. All right. Oh boy. Why are you going to do this to me? People, I've left this shit behind. This shit does nothing for you if you fucking read up on this other than scare the shit out of you or make you do something crazy

and then you have to leave your own country. All right, dear Billy Big Balls, I know you don't care to follow early politics, but a candidate Andrew Yang talked about establishing a data bill of rights. He explained it and well, there goes his fucking campaign hopes. They're going to fucking bury that guy. It explained it in full and it went right over the audience's head. I think it's the most important policy put out there. I would say the environment is probably the number one thing. And then I, yeah, I would say, yeah, I don't think that I think you have an entire generation and a half of people that kind of grew up without privacy. I think they're kind of used to it. I don't know. Anyways, he goes, am I paranoid thinking we

will face a humanitarian crisis with corporations sharing our data? Imagine your insurance company goes up because Fitbit sold your data to Kaiser and they didn't like your resting heart rate. Well, no matter what, the numbers are going to work in their favor or lack of physical activity. If Geico learned that you drive 10 miles per hour over the speed limit on your daily commute because Samsung sold you your GPS data, or if LinkedIn got your Facebook private messages or phone text messages and a computer algorithm showed you're saying unsavory things 10 years ago so you can't get employment anywhere, or if a hacker released everyone's search results on the internet, complete chaos that would ensue. Sorry if I made you more paranoid than you already are,

but is this a concern? I've attached the data bill of rights linked on this website below. Love you. You get some sun, you pasty fuck. I've always maintained if everybody's text messages were made public, none of us could go to work on Monday. So I would think people with that shit would be afraid to do it on a widespread level because eventually it would come back to them. And there's no way to delete anything or whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea. But once everybody's shit was out there, and then there's the freedom of like, well, you know, I got no more secrets. I'm at the fuck. Think what you want to think, but shit. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what to say, sir. My

biggest thing is the fucking environment and these never ending wars and switching to a different form of energy. I don't give a shit if it's, if it's, I don't know, just as dirty as oil, just something to get us out of the business of going into other countries, fucking with their leaders and trying to take their natural resources. I just don't understand that. I, you know, you don't want to listen to my fucking point of view, because I don't fucking watch anything. I just look at shit. I think shit. And then I say shit. So I don't know anything. All right. I'm not blue or fucking red. But I am against somebody that is just, you know, there's no reason. If you're, when you lead people, you need to

bring people together. I feel that's, you know, and when you divide people, that is, it's just, it, it doesn't work out for anybody. All right. Should I get a nose job? Oh, boy. Dear Billy but lick my gooch. Before I start, I would love to hear the lovely news advice. I believe this needs a female touch. Oh, she's downstairs watching the Oscars. So I don't want to tell you. Before I start, I would love to hear the, okay, wait, good morning. This is a long one, but I believe people who hear this would like to know the full extent of my unique slash, no one gives a fuck situation. So should I get a nose job? Oh, Jesus. I just turned 18 in the past couple of months. I'm a high school senior and I've never been laid.

Now I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking, Bill. Don't get down in the dumps because I'm 18 and have time. However, in school and the school I'm in, it's like some fucking all around orgy. Pretty much everyone I know has been finger blasting or fucking someone. I've only hooked up slash made out with two girls, which I know shows that I have potential. One of these girls was a girlfriend I had for a couple of months, but broke up with her because I didn't feel as happy as I believed I should. Dude, it kind of sounds to me like, you know who you are. That's a very mature thing to do. Anyways, parentheses, I may be 18, but I know what I want in a relationship. But to be honest,

I believed I could be at least have gotten a BJ from her if I hanged on for a couple of months, but I didn't want a user like that. Yeah, buddy, you're a good person. Don't question any of this because everybody else around you is acting like a fucking chimp. Anyways, I also have a big friend group with both guys and girls. I enjoy being with them. However, most of them date each other, so it bothers the fuck out of me to not have someone for myself while they're always around tongue punching, which is fucking with my mind. Now my nose, I have a gigantic hump in the middle of my nose. It sticks out like a sore thumb and is a beacon of ugly on my face. When I was in middle school, I was bullied a lot about my nose, so I'm really sensitive about it. But after middle

school, it stopped. I guess everyone matured past bullying, or maybe you grew into your face. I mean, you know, I had a giant, my head was the same size as it is now when I was like fucking two. He said, I have a decent body and height. My face would be okay-ish if I didn't have this fat fucking nose on my face. That's just a pussy deterrent. Well, dude, I'm telling you, it's really sharpening your fucking comedic skills here, which in the long run, I'm telling you, it's going to get you a lot of ass. You're going to be fine. You don't need to fucking do this shit. You don't have to go Kardashian on this thing. This is why I want to get surgery. I believe in 2020, I could get a fine nose that doesn't look the way hair plugs did in 2003. Look up nose hump

surgery and see for yourself. All right, you know what? I'll do that in fairness to you. But I mean, I wouldn't do it at fucking 18. You're crazy. You're super fucking emotional. That's a crazy thing to do. You don't need plastic surgery at 18. All right. I ride this fucking nose out until you're 30. When you're 30, if you're still feeling that way and your brain is fully developed, which they're now showing studies that it isn't until you're like 27 to 30 or something like that, that somebody said to me that I overheard and I didn't look up to see if that's true enough, but now I'm telling it to you. All right, nose hump surgery. I spell surgery, right? Is there an E in there or is it all use a use? How much do I have to fucking pay an internet

for the fucking thing to work? Oh, it's S U R G E R Y. That looks better. Right? So what it is? Nose hump surgery will not come up. All right, maybe it will in a minute. Yeah, dude, there is no fucking reason in the world for you to be, you know, fucking with your face. Okay, you're in the prime of your life. You haven't even fully developed. All right, you're going to grow into your body and you're going to look fine. And you know something? It's like, it's the imperfect. I know this is a fucking old person thing to say, but it really is the imperfections that make people make people interesting. You know, one of those Kardashians, I don't know if she got a ton of shit or whatever, but like, she just looks like she looks like a completely different person.

So, and I gotta be honest with you, like that, that's like, when I look at that, that is like depressing to me where it's like, you gotta like, I don't know how much you must not like yourself to do something like that. So I would say, you know what, you gotta learn to love yourself, love what you look like, and there's nothing wrong with you. Okay, dude, I'll tell you right now, I had fucking orange hair. If I could get laid, you don't have a fucking, you're already in there. You're already in the game. All right, and you're funny. You're fine. You're fucking fine. Anyways, he goes, this is why I want sir. I'm still waiting for this fucking thing to load. Maybe if I did it, oh my God, damn foam. You know, much, by the way, you know,

much fucking nose hump surgery spam I'm going to get now that I fucking looked it up. Anyways, this is why I want to get surgery. I believe in 2020, I could get a fine nose above. I already already looked at all this. Okay. I'm also 100% confident in saying that multiple girls would have hooked up with me if I wasn't so damn ugly because of this elephant trunk on my nose. I used to think that chicks didn't hook up with me. I used to think going like, if I didn't have red hair, I'd have a girlfriend and I made that a truth in my head and guess what, it happened. I'll tell you, you know, what's a great way to get laid, start saying hello to people, put yourself out there and then that's it. You know, you can make a self deprecating joke about

your nose. If you're feeling that type of shit, I guarantee most women are going, man, you know, what are you talking about? I think your nose is cute. They're going to be fine with it. Anyways, however, the final problem is that I believe if I get the nose job, I'm giving in like a pussy and I'll lose a piece of my pride. Well, I agree with that. So soak in this information and help me decide if I should get one. Don't. There's very few times I'm 100% positive. I am 100% positive. You should not get a nose job at 18. Okay. Once you do that, you cannot fucking go back. And I was going to tell you something. When you do shit like that, you're going to look a lot fucking different.

Look at that chick from that fucking movie there where they were dancing around, right? She didn't. Dirty dancing. And I thought she was so fucking cute. Not saying she isn't now. I'm not trying to shit on anybody. I'm just saying there wasn't anything wrong with it. Anyway, so whatever, soak in this information and help me decide. Absolutely. The easiest decision ever. Don't. You're fine. You're fucking fine. All right. If you're 35 years old and you still want to do it, then, you know, then that's something else. All right. But at 18, you haven't even grown into your body yet. Jesus Christ. Just fucking the biggest thing you need to work on is to get out of your own head and think that

that fucking nose is going to hold you back. All right. You got to be fine. Don't do it. You hear me? Don't do it. All right. Overrated, underrated. Hey Bill, underrated. Laying out your landscape plants and trees so they can mature to their natural sizes without requiring pruning to avoid buildings and shit. That's, that's pretty, yeah, that's pretty smart. Overrated. Paying someone to cut your landscaping plants and trees any more often than necessary. Call them what you want. Landscapers, God knows whatever. The point is, what a waste, a stupid amount of money for a manufactured need. Gruesome example. But bear with me. You wouldn't keep a bunch of Rottweilers in kennels sized for pugs, then pay someone to cut parts of the dog

off to keep them apart. Right? Jesus Christ. If you needed them in kennels, you'd put them in those with adequate space. Similarity trees and plants grow to respective sizes. If you space them all accordingly, you don't have to pay anyone to cut them into place. Maybe I'm too old. No, I think, you know, I think you're thinking the right shit. You went a little serial killer there with chopping up the dogs, but I think you made a point in there. All right. That's the podcast everybody. Yeah. Fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday. Once again, thank you to everybody who came out to Casino Gig, the Chumash Casino in Santa Inez. I had a great time. Dean Delray,

murdering it as always, March 10th. Remember, come on down for the off. It's gotta be, it's gotta rhyme. The rock and fucking sock. I don't know what the fuck it is. Jokes and fucking rock and roll at the Avalon in Hollywood. All right. See you.