Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-11-13

Episode Date: February 11, 2013

Bill rambles about snow, fixing his truck and answers questions.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, February 11th, 2013. How are you? How's it going? How's your week going so far? You know, I just looked across my room and I saw an object that reminded me of one of my many failures this week. I was in a rush to leave my house and I was taking my truck because I was finally going to get the brakes done. I bought a kit to switch my fucking. I got drum brakes on my old truck and as much as I wanted to keep the truck as original as possible just the way people text and drive out here and there's so many people. I just know that if I ever hit somebody with the front end of that beautiful truck that, you know, I'm never going to be

able to replace the parts. So I'm like, I got to do this shit. All right. So Christopher Titus, very talented Christopher Titus is into all of that shit. So he tells me go out and go buy a kit. We'll drive it over to my place and we'll fucking slap this thing on. It's going to take no more than four hours. Bing bang, boom, everything's fucking done, right? So I'm all excited. I bought this kit, by the way, in July of last year and it's just been sitting in my office. I've been using it like just, you know, put my legs up on it because because life goes by that fast when you're as old as I am. Next week, yeah, next week, next week, next, you know, you fucking had the thing for like six months. So finally we set a date. We're like, all right, let's fucking, let's do

it. Was it Wednesday? We were going to do it. And, you know, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know what I'm doing. So anyways, I got to move the Prius out of the way. So I moved that out of the fucking way and I got the hazard lights on, you know, because it's the day where the cunts come around, they give people parking tickets. So I bring the truck up, right? I got the fucking choke out, bring it up the fucking thing, right? And in my haste, bringing the fucking car back, I left the hazard lights on. So after we were done with the job, I came home and my fucking the fucking car was dead. And I'm like, no big deal. I know how to jumpstart this fucking hybrid. I know how to do it. I watched the triple A guy do it. I went out and I bought one of those

self contained battery packed fucking things. Open the hood, cute little hood that it is. I opened the little battery pack. I took the little red thing off and I can't fucking figure out how to clip it on. I tried to clip it on the bolt rather than that metal tab. It didn't matter anyways, because my thing wasn't fucking charged. And I had to call triple A to have my car jumped. Do you realize the level of like how emasculating that is? Have somebody come over, you know, have somebody teach you how to convert your brakes. Okay, that that's understandable. Alright, that's that's some next level shit, right? It's fucking jumper cables. I was the worst. When the guy showed up, I should have come out of the house and address just defeated fucking man.

But I bit the bullet. I was like, yeah, I can't figure out how to do it. And he explained it. My thing didn't work anyways. And now I can't find the cord to charge the fucking thing. So there it sits. There it sits. Actually, I just kind of slam that whole thing together reality is is it took us two and a half days to get the fucking brakes on because the back plates that you stick the rotors on ones mark left the other ones mark right and we put them on. We know the difference between left and right and Titus kept going is it me or does it look like it's kind of like torquing in like it's bent what the you know, and I'm looking at it like I know what's going on. You know, it looks pretty good to me, right? You know, put the fucking things on it's rubbing

if you turn too far to the left or the right, you know, the calipers are going to hit the springs, the fucking brake lines weren't long enough the whole goddamn kit. So finally we get these people on the phone. I'm not going to say who they were. Whatever finally get them on the phone. And they were like, oh, yeah, we had a batch of them went out and they weren't labeled right. And I got to tell you something Titus and one of the most eloquent fucking ass rippings you've ever seen in your life never raised his voice, never cursed. I think he said one F bomb, but it was a throwaway because he was like, you know, I've been, I've been fucking here for three days like one of those things not saying you're a fucking asshole,

but other than that never cursed. And he just basically went right down the line like it. So you knew these were labeled wrong and he didn't call anybody. This is a safety issue. And the guy at first would not admit any wrongdoing to the point it was hilarious. He wouldn't admit any wrongdoing at one point. I swear to God, he goes, well, did you look at the picture? Now, in defense of them, the picture was right, but the picture was like the size of maybe three postage stamps and it was in black and white. And it was very confusing because you couldn't quite see it, but you kind of could, but it was written clear as day left and right. So what are you going to go with what I can barely see or what I can clearly read? That's what we

went with. And, uh, oh my God. And then we finally got that out of him. And then we fucking switched him and then it worked like a dream. But the great thing was, was trying to figure it out. We put them on and take, took them off like, I think at least three times. So I kind of got three, like, um, it's almost like I did three, three break jobs. I got like that level of experience. And I gotta tell you, it was the fucking coolest thing ever to finally do something like that and see how it all goes together. It was absolutely, uh, fascinating. And, um, I don't know, Titus is the shit because he would not, he could have just slapped it on and be like, go take it to your mechanic. I don't know what the fuck's going on. He was determined

to get this thing on correctly. And he did. And when he found out it was messed up, he went to bat for me and he so eloquently reamed these guys that they actually gave me a credit on the kit. So it didn't cost me a fucking dime. How great is that? And then we said, Oh, you guys are all right. Now we're going to send him some DVDs and it's all a wash. So I finally, that was was so three, two and a half days of that fucking shit. And then I finally, dude, I went to auto zone like fucking nine times. And every time I came into auto zone, I was a little more tired and a little more dirty. Nothing. I was thinking how enjoyable it would have been had the whole thing gone together. I would probably want to learn nearly as much, but just

you know, like when you watch those YouTube videos like Eric the car guy and he's just fucking, it's just this goes here and this goes here, you take that off, put this on and put this thing back on and just it just goes so fucking smoothly. And that was not the case on this thing. But when we finally got it all together, it was tremendous. And I'm psyched now, but there's so much of a sentimental fool I am. I'm keeping the old drum brakes. And I bought the tools to be able to put it back together just because I don't want to leave it. I want to learn how to do it. And I also don't want to just leave all the springs and shit laying around in the garage, you know, kicking them around and shit, you know, how long can you really leave that shit around before

something fucking happens and then you lose it forever. So there you go. How'd you like that? That was my fixing the brake story. So I now have I now have disc brakes. And I put one of the rotors on with the caliper and all of that. And I was beyond, beyond psyched, although it does have a friend, it does help to have a friend who's basically a master fucking mechanic who has all the goddamn tools. Who's getting who I should have been over there with a fucking nurses outfit on. I was just handing them shit. Whatever I got dirty. So anyways, I have no idea what is going on in the world right now. Because for some reason, I've decided to do like 10 do it yourself fucking projects. And I'm painting my living room. So I

and I don't know, it's a it's a motherfucker. It's a pain in the ass. It's easy, but it's a pain in the ass. And I had to tape everything up. And I haven't watched TV for like the last two days. So I know it snowed in Boston. That Blizzard with the fuck are they calling it Nokia? Nardia? What the hell is it here? Nemo, Nemoi, Nemo. Blizzard Nemo. I guess they're going to name snowstorms now. You know, I don't even need to get into that enough comedians have made fun of how much they overhyped these things. This looks like it was actually a decent amount of snow. But in the end, even if you have like, you know, fucking, let's say there's three feet of snow. You know, I mean, what is what is that up to? Let's say two feet of snow, two feet of snow. Is

that even up to your knees? If you're an average size adult? Like what is going to you can go 30 days? I think I've said this before in the podcast, you can go 30 fucking days without food, maybe more than that. The big thing is water. All right, snow right there. The nice fucking handful of cold water stick in your mouth. Just relax, let it melt. You're going to be fine. You're not going to die. Some guy on YouTube made this hilarious video of just screaming I have to get. I have to get bread and milk. I think it's already got two million hits. It's the funniest fucking thing. Why do you have to get bread and milk? I don't know. I guess if I was old, I would be nervous. But only if like, you know,

if the heat went out, then that's the only way I would be nervous. Other than that, it's just fucking snow. You're going to get the day off. You can go sledding, build a snowman. Put on a fucking scarf, you pussies. It's easy for me to say, right? I'm out here in fucking Los Angeles. I got to tell you though, you know, it's been a while since I've been in snow and I saw some of the pictures. My buddy sent me this going, look at what the fuck I'm dealing with. And that actually looked awesome to me. You know, snow's fun to visit, but you don't want to live in it. When it first comes down, it's beautiful. And then once it starts being dirty and all that fucking shit, you just get tired. There's less parking spots. Everybody down in Southeast,

shoveling out their cars, putting a fucking trash barrel there. Some yuppie doesn't know the rules, pulls in his little fucking Pujo, and he never sees it again. At least that's how I heard it works there. This is the Monday morning podcast. What am I going to do here? Well, you know what else I missed today? I didn't realize the Bruins. I know that their game against Tampa Bay got canceled, and I didn't realize that they played the Buffalo Sabres, which has become a big rivalry. And I know a lot of you guys don't like hockey, especially the douche who had to write me on Twitter to let me know that he tried to watch hockey, hockey, didn't enjoy it and literally wrote yawn. What a fucking cunt. You know, I just said, you know, if it's a great sport,

watch Bruins Montreal if you want to try to get into, do I really need your fucking, like, do you think the NHL get, well, maybe they give a fuck, maybe they want your money? You know, write them, why are you writing me like I'm the goddamn commissioner? Anyways, why do I read them? I don't know why I read, I should just not read them. Um, so anyways, people hate fucking, the Sabres, they hate Lucic, because he ran over their goalie last year and hurt the guy. Granted, it was a douche move, but you know, he was frustrated, he had a breakout, he couldn't settle down the puck, and old fucking, old big eyes came out of the net, came out a little too far.

You know, when he ran him over, you're right, you're right to be mad at him. But can you please stop asking why Lucic won't fight John Scott? Why do you get, John Scott is like six, eight, two 70. He's a fucking goon. He can barely skate. Why, why would you have an all star fight that guy risk getting hurt and then sit in the box? That's why he's not fighting him. There's no way ownership is going to let that guy fight. All right. And all Lucic is, is a fucking million dollar piece of meat to the ownership. You know what I mean? So they're not going to have him go out there and go fight that big fucking Sasquatch. He shouldn't even go out there and skates. He should just walk out there with like work boots on.

I don't know, he probably can play. They don't allow him to. But I hate when people say that shit. They pick like the best guy in your team and they're like, yeah, he's too much of a pussy to fight our toothless moron. Yeah, that's a good switch off. That's a good trade off. Let's have one of our best guys sit down for five minutes and all you lose is some fucking goddamn gorilla. I get it Buffalo. You're upset. Okay, you want to see Lucic get pounded. I understand. You're probably logic as well. Fucking what about saucer eyes there? He wasn't exactly a tough target. Maybe deserves it. I don't know. I feel bad for people in Buffalo. You know what I mean? That's just that's I've been there as a sports fan. Fortunately, they let me up off the mat

over the last 10 years. You know, I'm rooting for you guys. You know, I know what people say to you. I know exactly what the fuck I dealt with that Bucky Den 1918 all that fucking horseshit. The fucking curse with the Canadians back when they dominated us 25 fucking years ago, whatever the hell it was. Unless you're Dan Shaughnessy. Every time we lose to him, he starts the curses back noodle headed cunt. I know what you're going through. I know people say wide right. They say bread hull. They say why do you play sports? Why don't you just stick to making appetizers? You already came up with Buffalo wings. Is there something else you guys can come up with that we can enjoy eating while we watch our teams win championships? I realize they say holy cunt

you shit today and it eats away at you after a while. It's awful. You know, I don't I don't have any animosity towards any fans who go through shit like that. I haven't gone through it myself. I only wish it on you know, I wish it on. I don't need to get into that shit anymore. Hey, I take a Kobe stop passing the ball. You guys are losing again. Huh? Did you figure it out Laker fans? Or did you just figured out a new way to compliment Kobe Bryant? Unbelievable. Do you know like last week out here, Kobe for like three games in a row actually passed the ball for the first time in his career. He actually was passing the ball on a regular basis. And I know a lot of people are going to say because they wrote to me that he's got 5000 career

assists. Mugsy Bogues has over 6000 in like three less seasons. Okay. The motherfucker is not passing the ball. Everybody who plays with them is not lying. They're not making up shit. All right. Guy finally passes the ball and plays the team game. Fucking the Lakers night and day. All of a sudden there's this team that's winning and the Laker fans think, Oh, Oh, that was the problem. Kobe was the fucking problem. No, they immediately dropped to their knees and blow them again. It's a new facet to escape. They started calling them Magic Bryant, Kobe Johnson. I just, I've never seen, I just don't understand. I'm not seeing the guy individually.

Once again, this is the Peyton Manning thing all over again. Individually phenomenal. It's not even Peyton Manning. I can't even bring him up. Oh Christ, I'm rambling. Let's do, can you tell I got a zillion fucking things in my mind? This podcast is more fucking retarded than usual. All right. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Let's, what's today? The 11th? Oh my God. Valentine's Day is only three days away. What are you going to do? How many guys out there are actually sitting around and you haven't, you haven't, you haven't stepped up yet. You don't know what you're going to do. You want, you want to step in the right direction, proflowers.com. All right. Impress your friends.

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includes the digital scale and up to $55 in free postage. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R that stamps.com enter Burr, B-U-R-R. Alrighty, moving on. Yeah, so I missed the game. Yeah, I missed the game today and I saw Campbell jump that guy in the Sabres. He didn't come out too well in that one. I love the guy in the Sabres is like looking the ref like, I don't want to fight. All right. What does what does. Um, all right, enough with the sports talk. Okay, I need to appease the ladies and the nerds out there. Oh, here's one for you. Um, this weekend, I actually took a night off from stand-up comedy and I went out to, uh, Indio, California. I can't even remember the name of the casino.

I saw Don Rickles. I had to do it, man. I was like, I always see these guys underrated, going to a casino and seeing a legend. He was amazing and Tony Orlando, tie a yellow ribbon. He destroyed in front of him. I didn't realize how many hits that guy had. You know, I went with Bartnick and I was just going like, I think this guy's going to open with tie a yellow ribbon. He's going to close with it and he's going to, uh, he's going to play it again in the middle. And he came right out of the gate, tie a yellow ribbon. And in my world, I'm like, this guy's out of hit. He's out of hits. Then all of a sudden he goes to the next time. I'm like, wait a minute, I know this song, knock three times on the ceiling. If you want me,

twice on the pipe, right? Everybody going nuts. Then he had another hit after that. I'm like, God damn, this guy's got a lot of hits. Then he got into a drum battle, this drummer. I'd have to give the nod to Tony and then Rickles comes out. It was just amazing. Just seeing an icon, you know, tuxedo, the whole old school thing guy opened up for Sinatra underrated, going to go into a casino to see a legend. This is what I realized. Uh, this is a very blanket statement, but I'm sort of the king of this. Legends play casinos, hacks go to cruise ships. Is that bad? I'm just saying, you know, they give you a certain amount of time to make it in this business. And if you don't, they just, they just put you out to sea. You know, that's not 100% true. There's some,

there's some good guys doing, uh, but you know what I'm fucking talking about. I told you this story. I did a cruise ship one time. I worked with like a juggler and, uh, and the guy hosting it, I swear to God was like a real life guy, smiley. That was that story. I told you why they told me it was going to be a young crowd because I was like, I don't think my acts going to work on a cruise ship. This is like 10, 11 years ago. They're like, no, no, no, it's this young, this young, with a young hip cruise liner thing. Right. So I show up. It's a bunch of old people and the guy, smiley guy goes out there. This is how old they were. He went out and he opens with, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands and they did it. And at that point I was like, oh my God, I am going to

fucking eat my balls. And I did. It wasn't easy because we were rolling over the waves. It's kind of tricky to get that second ball in my mouth, but I did seven minutes into my set, fucking munched them both. Captain wrote a letter to the agency. Oh God, why didn't I ever get a copy of that? Said I was offensive to all races, the handicapped. I forget what else he said. I don't know. Nothing I said was as offensive as the fucking food they were serving on that goddamn boat. Oh my God, you never saw so many fat fucks in your life. I swear to God, if one of those cruise ships ever goes down, you know, has there ever been like an obese shark? They eat whales too. You know what? Fat people must be for sharks just

because they don't, you know, we're not part of their diet. We just sort of accidentally like, we got to be like, remember those big pink snowballs? Those mushrooms, they had mushrooms in the middle and then they had, I don't know what the fuck was, I never had the balls to eat one. Only reason why is because it was marshmallow. I always thought marshmallow was disgusting. I remember fluff, peanut butter and fluff and other that toxic horseshit. I actually grew up right at the tail end of just feeding kids absolute poison. Like now they feed poison, but it's sort of disguised. You have no idea because they'll write, Oh, packed with protein or, you know, nutritious shit, you know, there's somehow they'll put put like those words in there.

They try and camouflage it, but back then it was just straight up like, you know, it was just poison, fluff another. The fuck is that? I don't know. It's a bunch of white shit with a bunch of sugar in. You mix it up with peanut butter. All right. Well, that shut them up. All right. What am I talking about? Oh, yeah, we're talking about fat people going overboard. Any fat listeners? You're going on a cruise and just think like, Wow, if this goes, Oh, well, wait a minute, would you float more? If you're fat, the big thing is you'd have to relax. But the problem is, is like, you know, if you're wearing like a fat person, like, uh, like wetsuit, you know, you just covering yourself all up when

you're laying on your back in the ocean, you know, the water that's been absorbed in your bathing suit is going to be coming down in your face. So you're going to sort of be like waterboarding yourself. You know, so maybe you got to roll over on your stomach. No, but then the roles in your neck are kind of holding your face in the water. It's, it's a rough deal. Um, is there ever been a fat Navy seal? I don't, I don't think there has. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, people. I, this is why I do these Monday morning when the brain is fresh. I'm just attacking fucking people who can't defend themselves or stop eating. Um, all right. Here's something for you. Oh, this is just choppy as hell. I got to recommend something.

Somebody recommended to me told me to go see that Dave Grohl documentary on sound city. You can actually go to his website. I wish I had that up there. Just look up Dave Grohl sound city. You can download it for 12 bucks and it's worth every goddamn penny. It's about this studio sound city. Well, basically I would say maybe 40%. It seemed of every fucking awesome album you've ever downloaded or ever wanted to get over the last 40 years was made, um, in this studio and, Dave Grohl actually bought the soundboard when it was going out of business. He bought the soundboard. So that kind of starts it off. And when you watch it, this isn't really a spoiler alert the whole time they're interviewing him. He's sitting in this old school van

and I was sitting there going, is that a one of those old Ford vans? That the original, like the, the, uh, Eco liner, is that how you say it? The early 60s. I hate how like pedophiles ruined vans. You know what I mean? I know it was pedophiles or date rapists, but like vans in the, in the 60s, if you look at them, they're not that bad. They're actually kind of adorable. I'll bring a picture up there. Like, you know, the Ford Eco liner, look at your big, big fucking eyes. Looks like it needed some sleep, you know, and they were so tiny. You could just see it. You, you couldn't do anything in them. People could just see, you could see almost right through the fucking thing. Um, in the 70s, they became creepy.

That's when they, they started, you know, putting carpet on the floors and the ceiling of them and they had these crazy sort of acid murals on the side of them. Guys with hairy chests and mustaches started driving them around and just some, somewhere it just became the big jizz mobile, you know, and the skanks liked them. I wish I was around when vans were cool. You know, actually I was when I was a kid. I used to think custom vans were the shit. I used to think, why don't my parents have a custom van? Remember that when you wanted your parents to be cool? Why can't he get a Corvette? Oh, I don't know. Cause there's fucking six kids. What the hell am I going to stick you? That's when you know your dad's fucking around and your mom

comes home with a two-seater. Fuck the family. I'm going out tonight. Um, all right, Bill, how do you tell a girl she sucks in bed? Oh Jesus. Um, hey Bill, how do you tell a girl she sucks in bed without hurting her feelings or making her embarrassed? Is it okay to give pointers in the bedroom or would you make, or would it make that make me look like a dick? Help me out, Bill. Go fuck yourself. Um, all right, the first half, there's no way to tell a girl she sucks in bed. There's no way for a woman to tell a guy he sucks in bed without hurting the feelings. All right, let's be politically correct. There's no way for a guy to tell another guy if they live in an alternative lifestyle. 2013. No one wants to hear that. Um,

well, this is what I would do. You can't just make somebody good in bed. The potential has to be there. There has to be a certain God given talent. You know what I mean? I mean, some women, they, they reach for your package like they're grabbing something out of the cupboard. You know what I mean? There's just no, it's, you know, what's funny about women being bad in bed is there's not a lot of, um, there's not a lot of stories. I think guys not knowing what they're doing is, is pretty well documented and guilty is charged. Guilty is charged, you know, but, um, it's, it's definitely a two way street. What I would do is if you feel she has potential, uh, rather than give her pointers, like, Hey, listen, you're doing a great job in there. He's a

couple of things like make some halftime adjustments. Maybe you could do that, like stop halfway through fucking, you know, have her run into the bathroom. And as you run in, somebody interviews you, you know, well, you know, the first half hour was pretty good. There's definitely some things we could do better. Uh, you know, my balls are kind of lonely and, uh, you know, she's kind of, she doesn't have a good rhythm. We're going to try to work on our rhythm in the, uh, second half. Right. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. You know, runs back in. Um, I would suggest rather than, okay, definitely don't tell her she sucks. Do not give pointers. I would, uh, the key word here is guiding, guiding and, um, informative moaning. I would say would be the, uh, the most user-friendly

way to protect this girl's feelings. That's what you have to do. Um, I need more information. Do you feel she's aware? How does she suck in bed? Like I said, she grabbed me a dick like she's, you know, reaching into a mailbox to see what the fuck's in there or is she just shy? You got to help me out here. I don't, I don't know. Um, you know, that, that's what I would do. I would, I would guide her and by guide her, I don't mean pushing her head down, guiding, no forcing, none of that type of stuff. And, uh, and then what you got to be Simon Cowell is, um, don't give her any, um, sympathetic moans. Once she starts picking up the moans, you know, you know, don't give her any sympathy once. If it ain't doing it for you, don't give her a, uh, yeah, no, don't do that.

Just dead silence. Okay. She has to know it. She, it's, it's not working. I don't, I don't have to tell you dude. I know I told this story before I hooked up with this girl one time and we were having sex doggie style. And you know, when I come forward, you're supposed to back in, you know, like we're clapping, uh, with crotches. Is that a, uh, was that a fucking, isn't that one of those dances with wolves names, clapping with crotches? Sorry, hacky joke. Yeah. No, what she was doing when I went back, she went back when I went forward, she went forward. So I was in her, but there was no friction. So I was starting to have a performance problem before I ever so gently put one hand on her hip and the other on the back

of her neck and just sort of stopped her, went back and then pulled her, but it still didn't work. It was like, not only does she not know how to do it. She was, I think almost as tall as I was, you know, so doggie style, you know, they got to have the kind of like, you know, you can get a little too high there, you know, without getting too graphic. So I was already dealing with that, you know, um, I don't know. Beautiful girl though. All right. Um, um, unexpected pregnancy. Oh Jesus, these are rough this week. Unexpected pregnancy bill. Absolutely love the podcast and the stand up. You like a skinny Louis CK or conversely, Louis CK is like a fat bill, but I really wish I didn't

read that. Uh, um, anyway, not sure. Now I get dragged into it. Um, and I'm not exactly skinny anymore. I've been having, I've been enjoying the high life lately. Miller. Um, anyway, to business, I'm a 24 year old guy from Sydney, Australia, who's run up against a big problem. Last November, I lost a well-paying job due to an anxiety disorder I've developed over the years. I've sought out treatment, been through therapy, had all sorts of diets and breathing exercises. And although recently it's been much more manageable, it's unfortunate. It unfortunately wasn't enough to hold onto my high pressure job. You know what dude? It was probably the job. Granted, I have no medical background whatsoever,

but I really don't, you know, when you have to like eat a cum quad and start going, just so you can fucking go to work. Hello. Oh, Nia, how are you? Sorry. Just saw the door open. Um, the lovely Nia, everybody. Oh, you're busy. Okay. Um, Oh, okay. Alrighty. I'll see you. Okay. Um, yeah, dude, when you have to fucking do shit like that, just to go to work, it's probably the job. And considering you developed it over the years, let me guess, was it as you got this fucking high pressure job? I don't know. So anyways, I'm, uh, currently I'm looking for a more low key job. Anyways, three days after I'm let go, I get a call from a friend I'd had drunken,

unprotected sex with. The only reason why I went back to our house was that our house was within walking distance from the pub. We share a bed and nature takes its course. Oh my God. It was a core. It was, of course, a risk. And like any idiot male, I just assume nothing would happen. Turns out I'm going to be a dad come August after a mere one sexual indiscretion. I've known this woman for over three years. She's successful, smart, witty, and we get on really well. Oh, we get on really well. Uh, she is sorry. There was a big space in a new paragraph. I'm not that dumb people. Please, please still believe in me. She's been up, up until now, childless. And you can understand

her reasonings for wanting to keep the spawn. She expects me to play an active role in the parenting game. And to be honest, that's something I am wholeheartedly prepared to do. That's so fucked up. They like make the decision. I mean, because it is their body, they have to go through the procedure, but it's just really, you're really just, uh, you're just a fucking jizz hose. That's really all we are. We were both responsible. We should both have to pick up the pieces and work shit out. Here's the problem. She wants me to move in with her. Fuck that. Fuck that. Before I read any more of this, fuck that. Anyways, in fact, she's demanded I moved in with her double fuck that she's making demands.

Go fuck yourself. All right. I wish you did that earlier. I wouldn't have been the situation. I can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into mutual resentment and unhappiness and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid. Apps of fucking loot. I'd live with friends in the past. And if a dirty kitchen can cause irritation, I don't know how shitting, drooling, a shitting, drooling, screaming baby will fly under the radar. I want to move somewhere close by so I can share their parenting duties, but I don't see how moving in is a better solution. She is also asking for financial support to the tune of half, which the shit I've spelt out above surely makes this impossible.

She's tipped deep in an already blossomed career and I'm doing my best to stay away from the dole, or as Americans say, welfare. So I'm asking advice on two things. How do I really, how do I relay my moving in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting her feelings or making her feel like she has to go, go at it alone? And how can I spell it out to her that I won't be able to be there for the baby financially in the way she wants? Jesus Christ, dude. What else? And how do you fucking jump to the moon? By the way, when she told me about the pregnancy and oh, Jesus arrived fully formed in my mouth, go fuck yourself, cunt. You just have to have an adult conversation with her.

Just be like, look, who's kidding? Who? We're not in love with one another. You're not my soulmate. I'm not your soulmate, but we're both adults and we did this. So we have to take responsibility. Okay. Um, I would still like to meet my soulmate and I imagine you would too. And we're not going to be able to do that if we're, if we're basically pretending to be a couple, which we're not, we're not. Okay. Just look at the baby like we both, it's like a timeshare condo. Sorry. Um, no, just tell you, you're not going to move in. I'm not moving in with you. I'm going to support you 100% with the baby 100%. But I'm not moving in. And when she says, why just be like, because I'm not in love with you.

We're not, we're not getting married. We screwed up and now we're doing the right thing. But, um, yeah, I'm not moving in. And what's she going to do? Grab you by the throat, make you move in? No, fuck this. And the fact that she's making these demands, she wants half of your money. Well, this is the deal, dude. You knocked a girl up and now you got to fucking, you got a kid coming. So you got to go make some money. All right. And you do have to support the kid. This is one of these fucked up things. If she's got a great career, why does she need half of your salary? You know what I mean? If you had a great career, she wouldn't even fucking work. Why don't you say this? All right. How about this? Why don't I be Mr. Mom? I'll stay

home with the kid and you go out and work and you support me. I'll wear a fucking apron. Have at it, lady. Go put on your Nancy Reagan power suit and fucking have at it. Yeah, dude. Look, what, what, what do you? I know you got the double whammy here. I wouldn't, I wouldn't do a double header here. Although the conversation might go in that direction, but I would definitely not tell her that I'm moving in with her. There's no fucking way. There's no way that that's happening. All right. There's no way that that's happening because I'm not in love with you. And let her hem, let her haul, let her cry, let her scream, let her throw shit, let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do. You're not moving in with her, sir. All right. Don't do it.

Don't go to bed with the brass on your head. No, don't do it. Sorry, Beretta. Don't fucking do it. All right. And then as far as like, uh, you know, supporting your kid, you got to do it. You got to give her the money. You can't have this kid is in an unbelievably unfortunate situation. You have to make the best of it. And you guys have to be friends. And that's another reason for not moving in, you know, what are you going to sleep in the same bed? Like you're married, like you love each other. You can't fucking do it. So, um, I don't know, but as far as the money thing, yeah, you got to go out and start making some money. And if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever, believe me,

that's going to be better than having, you know, some 18 year old kid someday who had a shit childhood because of you. And then you got to deal with that and then try and put the pieces together when you're on your fucking death bed. You don't want to do that either. But as far as moving in, fuck that, move close by. And uh, that's it. It's not up for discussion. Okay. And she can make all the fucking demands she wants to demands fucking dope. You made a, you, she made a mistake too. The fuck she'd make it demands out of you for furthermore, why the fuck you, why, why you worry about it? All right. She can't force you to move in. So fuck her. All right. With a condom next time, sir. All right. Legal

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what? Uh, it's national start your business month. So start your business right now at legal zoom.com. Um, legal zoom is not a law form and provides self-help services at your specific direction. So if you have questions, ask them and they will answer them. Um, but there's so much more. Now every LLC and incorporation package includes easy to use business accounting software, a $269 value for absolutely free. Be sure to enter burr, b, u, r, r in the referral box at checkout. Start your business, protect your family and safeguard your assets at legal zoom.com today. Um, is that it? Is that it for the, I think that's it for the ad stuff. Here's something I saw. I was trying to get something to talk about on the podcast here. Um, so I looked up the drudge

report because I would say this is like something that people look at and they were talking about newt newt gingrich's ex-wife on loads on camera. Network debates the ethics of airing what she said about her former husband before the South Carolina primary. Okay. And you guys know, like when I talk about hockey and you have no idea what I'm talking about, this, this is my version of it. South Carolina primary for what? What is newt gingrich running for? Mayor of South Carolina or senator? Is that what it'd be? I don't pay attention to this shit. Um, so anyways, I guess his, his Marlene gingrich has said she could end her ex-husband's career with a single interview. Oh, hell half no fury. Just take the fucking alimony. What did he, oh, didn't he, didn't he do

something? Wasn't she sick in the hospital and he kind of tagged somebody else? Why do you think he could get away with it with that giant head of his? Um, anyways, earlier this week, she sat before ABC news cameras. She spoke to ABC news reporter Brian Ross for two hours and her explosive revelations are set to rock the trial. What trial? I don't fucking know. It's just another ex-wife just going absolutely. Why, why would you do that? Aren't you biting the hand that feeds as much as you hate this guy and he was probably a piece of shit to you? I mean, you're really going to affect his ability. If he doesn't win that political office, how can he pay for your Mercedes with all that fucking hush money, all the bribe money he's

going to get, you know, how, how, how are you going to afford to get your hair and nails did every fucking two weeks? You know, if he doesn't have a job where he gets to look the other way, is people pour shit in the water supply for God's sakes woman. Have you thought this through? I don't fucking know. All right. What are we doing here? Is that all the advertising? I gotta make sure I didn't miss any of the fucking advertising. They always end up flipping out at me. Oh, you're really supposed to read it. You didn't read it. You know, what's going on with that? Couldn't you read it earlier? I think that was it. All right. That was it for the other than the Amazon stuff. And I say that every week. So you know, what, where am I in the podcast right now?

46 fucking minutes in. Look at me wheezing across the fucking finish line this week. You know what? I actually had a great week. Really built. Well, it hasn't translated into a great podcast. You unfunny cunt. All right, I know, I know it's been a little lackluster, little fucking lackluster. Dear William, I know this is last minute. I didn't even tell you guys why I had a great week. I went out and I did a bunch of stand up and this was like four things that I've been working on meticulously crafting in front of tourists down at the comedy store. And I suddenly, I figured out a through line where it all connected. I give you that shit when people say, you know, you don't know how to write a script, just start writing a bunch of themes.

Just write little vignettes and then somehow they all stick together, which never fucking works. That's like you're trying to build a house. Just start hammering shit. But it actually worked out with the stand up thing. I have a nice through line. I have a new chunk of shit that I've strung together like some cheesy thing with a bunch of beads. That's some native person that was supplanted through genocide is now sitting on the fucking curb out now. Was it Honolulu? Is that what I saw them supplanted? Is that a word relocated? Valentine's Day advice. Billy boy, dearest, billion. I know this is last minute. I had a question about Valentine's Day. I am a single guy in my mid twenties rejoice.

Dude, I'm going to tell you right now. If you're a single guy in your mid twenties and you live in America and you're living on your own, please drop to your knees and thank whatever God you pray to every day because you're never going to be freer in your life. I know you probably got student loans and blah, blah, blah, the stress and all that bullshit. Fuck that. Okay. You're never going to be freer in your life. Go get three years supplies of condoms. Okay. And bang away, my friend. Maybe you don't need to do it for three years. Maybe you're one of those guys for only three weeks, but you need to get it out of your system. All right. He says, I never really had a girlfriend for whatever reason. Oh Jesus,

Christ. All right, we're going the whole other other way. Truth be told, my friends could name numerous reasons why I don't have a girlfriend, but that's an entirely different issue. Well, Jesus Christ, there's a fucking can of worms. They couldn't, you don't seem defensive or argumentative. So I don't know if it's an anger issue. Ah, look, I'm so sick of trying to be fucking Hannibal Lecter here, trying to guess what your shoes look like with the way you write, you know? All right, I'm just going to read the rest of this shit. As of right now, I am currently sleeping with three girls off. Oh, so you're fucking, you're knocking it out. I thought you'd like never had a

girlfriend like, and you'd like never banged anybody. All right, my fault. All right. Dude, go fuck yourself. You're a guy in your mid twenties and you're fucking three girls right now. And I want this, you need advice. Keep doing what you're doing. Anyways, depending on what day of the week it is and how much I've drank. Okay, that depends on how many girls he's banging. I've never lied to any of them about where our relationship is going. And although they never met each other, each of them has an idea that I'm seeing other girls. It's kind of a don't ask, don't tell policy. Yeah, dude. And you got to come with that, you know, you can open with that. You know, what are you doing? I'm dating. I'm playing the field.

How many people you date right now? A couple of people kind of seeing just having a good time. Well, I don't do stuff like that. Well, there's the door, sweetheart. Then they'll respect like that. The honesty of that. Some won't. Some will actually have self esteem and walked out, but a lot of them they'll hang around. Eventually they get tired, their neck gets weak, and they'll fall right in your fucking dick. Birthdays and Christmas are always a piece of cake because all that requires a quick text or a phone call. Or at the very most drinks at the bar. But Valentine's Day is tricky. Our dates consist of bar hopping and drunk sex. So flowers and a nice dinner would

completely send the wrong message. Dude, you selfish cunt. Are you asking me how to keep banging these three chicks while getting through Valentine's Day? Why don't you just look at the Valentine's Day like that's your pussy getting all star break. Just take three days off the day before the day after in the day of just say, uh, what are you doing for Valentine's Day? I'm, uh, I'm going to be, uh, Jesus, where are you going to be? I don't know. I don't have a good one for that one. All right. You know what? I just put myself in your shoes and I understand your problem now. He said, I got to a little bit of trouble last year when one of the girls texted me and said, you know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. He said, I knew my response

couldn't be, yeah, but if I get you flowers, then I have to get flowers for all the other girls. So I just pushed out and responded, yeah, well, oh dude, you shouldn't have responded at all. You know, every girl likes to get flowers on Valentine's Day. Isn't that funny? And that has nothing to do with most likely her having any sort of feelings towards you. It's just the bitch next to her in the other cubicle probably got some, you know, or the girl on their fucking, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Some guy broke my balls this week. It was fucking hilarious. He was trotching. We say, come off as a pompous ass because I always talk about anybody who doesn't do comedy works in a

cubicle, you know, and for some reason he decided to take that seriously and tell me that he actually works at the UN and travels all around the world. If that's actually true, sir, how why don't you just get on with doing that? You work at the UN and you travel all over the world. Why would you give a fuck what some absolute jackass is saying on a fucking podcast? How insecure are you? Your insecurity is probably a great thing because that's probably the thing that drove you to be at the UN where you travel all around the world. You know what, sir? Good for you. That's awesome. I hope working at the UN and traveling all around the world fills you up some point where it fills you up high enough where you don't have to respond to a silly joke on some dumb ass podcast.

I travel all around the world. You know what? That's actually a great fucking job. Do you feel like you get anything done? Do you sit there wearing that headpiece next to that guy who's wearing the water buffalo hat? Doing that shit and you're sitting there trying to talk to him about how you can sell your rich crackers to their country. Is that what you're doing? When you're traveling all around the world, I travel all around the world. I can just see you on the plane with your fucking dress socks on. You have a dash cunt. Oh, just sitting there. What movies am I going to watch on this flight as I travel all around the world? Anyways, you know something, sir? You had the James Bond job and then you

fucking you played yourself. I don't know why you did that. Why would you fucking? That's like me responding to people on Twitter. Why would I do it? I should pretend like I have better things to do. Anyways, I want to keep seeing all these girls back to this guy, but at the same time, I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Oh, dude, you know what? I don't understand. What is your problem here? Dude, are you like a Gemini? It's like you're this fucking lady killer. Then also, you're kind of like, you know, you wouldn't hurt anybody. Should I get her some jam jams? I can't even talk to the fucking UN guy. What the hell was going on here again?

Valentine's Day. Got a little trouble last year. Well, listen, you're anticipating trouble. Didn't you learn anything from last year? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. What would I write back? I know what my response would be the second I read that if it was just some girl, I was banging and then they wrote that I would get this awful feeling in my stomach and I would, I would read it and as I got that awful feeling, I'd go, yes, I'd make that noise. You know that thing like when you're just banging a girl and then all of a sudden she just fucking makes that comment. You know, you think she's on the same page as you

when she just makes that comment. You know, I was thinking about you today. You just feel that feeling in your stomach. Oh yeah, well, don't. It's the fucking worst. Oh, you got to be one and done, but one and done is scary. You just got to be honest. I don't know if some girls, what would I say? You know, every girl likes flowers on Valentine's Day. What would I text back? Yeah, you know, that's what I heard. You know what? I don't, you know what? I shouldn't give you shit. I don't have a good response to that. Well, maybe someday you'll meet a guy who wants to give you some. You want to get drunk and fuck.

Yeah, I got nothing and you can't ignore it. You know what I would have done? I would have ignored the text and I would have called her. But a good three hours later, three, four hours, three hours later. That's a good one. You call her. You ignore that text and you call and she goes, hello. And they're like, Hey, what's going on? What are you doing tonight? I got no plans. Valentine's day. What are you doing? And you just start it with that. And then she, well, what do you want to do? And she'll be seen if you're going to take it in some romantic, you know, direction and you don't, you just keep it in the fuck buddy. I figure we go down to meet hammers or whatever the fuck

we go down to take it in the face, have a couple of pictures of beer and see what happens. Dude, you know what? You're, you're, it seems to me you're not just fucking these girls. You're actually having like these mini relationships with them. You know, the key to having a fuck buddy is, is the time between fucking them. And I don't give a shit how much a woman says that she can handle it. Most of them can't. Most of them can't. If you're fucking coming over there and you, and just eventually they're going to get feelings. They're more, I don't know if they're more mature or if it's a defect. It's just, I just respect the fact that that's how they're wired. So you, if you have a fuck buddy, okay, let's, let's just do the math. Okay. Now, now February is a

very short month here. So let's just say right out of the gate, you fuck around February 2nd. All right. You shouldn't come around again till at least the 17th and grant you fuck and you leave F and L you fuck them and then you leave. You don't banger on the second, you banger on the second and then you banger on the seventh. You're in a fucking relationship in their world. You know, unless you literally the second you have an orgasm as you're coming, you're scooping up your clothes and you walk out like half naked, then you're just bizarre. Just another good way to keep them at bay. And why don't I just read the rest of this and see what it, what his question is here. He says, I want to keep seeing all these girls, but at the same time, I don't want to break,

I don't want any broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Yeah, you want to keep fucking all of them. No dude, what you have to have, you have to have a revolving door. You have to have a stable of women if you're going to live this life, or you have to give in to fucking rubbing one out. All right. But you can't be a relationship guy with three different women because you are going to end up hurting them. So what you have to constantly be doing, you got to be like a college coach. All right. Every year you lose some top prospects, but you're out there recruiting. Okay. So you, so you maintain, but it's never ending. It's fucking exhausting. But if that's the game you want to play, that's what you have to do. So that girl who says, you know, every girl

likes flowers on Valentine's Day, right there you put on waivers. Okay. For a, for a fucking piece of ass to be named later, you got, you got to get rid of her. Okay. And you got to look, go back and analyze what the fuck you did wrong that she felt it was okay for her to text you, because you fucked up that right there shows that you fucked up that she felt that she could that she felt that she could send that to you if you think you're just fuck buddies. All right. So anyways, he continues, he says, I know that like it or not, this shit is important to women. If I take one girl out on playing favorites and setting a bad precedent, plus if she does that check in shit on Facebook, I'm completely fucked. Yeah, dude, you're doing

dirtbag shit. If you're a single guy and something could happen that fucks you on Facebook, you're leading these girls on anyways, he says, if I take none of them out or do nothing, I have three irritable ladies on my hand. Dude, are you going to marry any of them? No, well, then let them go. Why don't you have the balls to do that? You know, when a team halfway through the season, just realized it went in this shit. Just pull a fucking Marlins. Just get rid of everybody. And then your fan base is your dick. And they're going to be, he's going to be pissed for a while. But then you build it back up again. Build it back up again. You know, I don't know. Look, dude, if you want to be in a fucking relationship,

you know, there's other ways about going about than doing this, but you're trying to have your cake and eat it. Dude, you got three women right now. You're banging three different women. Where's your confidence? You know what you're doing. All right. Dump two, keep one at bay, and then get two more. Then dump the other one and get the other one. You don't even dump them. You just phase them out. Phase them out. But the new recruits that you get in, you got to be straight up honest with them. You know, unless you actually feel feelings, if you're feeling no feelings, you know, don't keep coming back fucking them unless, you know, you get that 15 day. You fuck them on the second, you fuck them on the 17th.

Then you're into March and then banger on like the 11th. All right. And even then they can't catch feelings doing that. But before you know it, you know, that's like 14, 15 days out of the year taken up where you where you got to bang somebody. This is such this is this is really should be eye opening to women that I'm actually saying this is really, this is really awful. Now that I'm speaking this out loud. He says in a perfect world, I'll take all of them out at once and have the force and I've been chasing after my entire life, but we don't always get what we want. Any advice from the lovely Nia would be much appreciated as well. Love the podcast. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, she probably wouldn't have been as understanding as I was, even though I gave you

a lot of shit. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I don't have any I'm fucking tapped out. I'm tapped out I spent fucking three days under a truck. Not really doing anything. Just watching Titus do the whole fucking thing. Anyways, thanks to Christopher Titus for helping me with the brakes on my truck. Thanks everybody who's been continuing to download my special, which is tremendous. And if you want to help out somebody or just check out something great, please check out Sound City, the new Dave Grohl documentary. I cannot recommend it highly enough. It's 12 bucks off his website, money well spent. And when that fucker comes out on DVD, I'm going to buy it. I like having the gold behind my money. I don't like downloading shit and then

just, you know, then it's just on this thing. And then this thing dies and then that thing fucking crashes and then I don't have it anymore. You know what I mean? I don't like that shit. All right, I'm rambling. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. And oh, I know why there's nothing to talk about. Football's over. It's fucking over. It's fucking over, man. Me with the cleaver.