Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-11-19

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

Bill rambles about room service, positions of power and a woman named Butch.

Now at Proximus, the perfect deals with a 1 plus 11 for 0 euro at a mobile subscription. 0 euro? That doesn't make sense. I don't want to either. Amai, do you feel my heart beating? Oh, that's a good ringtone for that new 1 plus 11 for 0 euro. Information and conditions at proximus.be Proximus, think possible. February 11th, 2019. What is going on with you? How are you? I am actually recording part of this anyways.

I'll be recording here Saturday night because I'm out here touring doing a little bit of stand up. And just when I have to fly on Sunday and then I got a fucking bunch of shit I have to do Monday, I got to do this in sparts. They got to do a couple of rounds here. You know what's weird? I've been walking around today all by myself, all by my lonesome. And for some reason, I don't know why this fucking melody with the wrong lyrics has been stuck in my head. I just been walking around going, Sherry's berries, why you bugging? Makes no fucking sense whatsoever. I never had a song. I always had a song from me on these beyond these.

So if Sherry's berries keeps that they might advertise this fucking week. I have no idea. I'm doing this so early. I don't even have the advertising yet. You understand how dangerous a podcast this is right now? Anyways, any way, I guess as I've been told, I'm supposed to say anyways, anyway, I'm fucking, I did my first stand up road gig and since I came back from Europe, I ended the acting gig and I walked out on stage, got on the fucking bicycle and it was alright. Everything went great. I want to thank everybody who came out to the Borgata in Atlantic City. I had a great fucking time and now I'm sort of barnstorming around just doing some like, you know,

clubs and local areas and shit just doing the hour and trying to figure out how I'm going to put this fucking thing together. Whittle some shit down, get in, get out, take this fucking thing and then move on to my next hour. My favorite fucking thing to do, my favorite fucking thing to do is the day after the special when all that material is flushed down the fucking toilet and I get to start over again. No fucking pressure, you know, the pressure is the special. Once you get the special done, you know, if you like me, you're going to continue to like fuck up in life so the material is going to come, you know, speaking of fucking up, I was staying in this hotel about a week ago. I forgot to tell you the story.

It was the fucking, I swear to God, like the level of like hostile that corporations have got to as far as just complete lack of customer service. You can't get anybody on the fucking phone, total skeleton crew, go fuck yourself. The way this shit is now, you know what I mean? Like if you have a problem with your fucking iPhone, who the hell are you going to call? How the fuck are you going to get anybody on the phone? Or at least somebody from this fucking hemisphere, you can't do it, right? I go to call room service. How long should that take?

Two, three fucking rings, worst case scenario, they usually have an outgoing message going like hey, if you reach this message, just leave your room number and we will, we'll call you right back and we'll figure out what, whatever you want, right? So a fucking call this, the goddamn thing rings three times, puts me on hold. I put it on speaker. I'm sitting there for like 15 fucking minutes. So I hang up and like, all right, so I fucking call the front desk. And I was like, yeah, hey, I'm trying to order the Rubin, the Rubin sandwich there, right? I can't get through and nobody's picking up.

So the lady at the front desk is like, oh, that's strange. Here, let me, I'll put you right through, puts me through to the same extension. I'm back on hold again, listening to the same fucking music. Sit there again for another 10 minutes. Now about 25 minutes into trying to order a fucking sandwich. All right. So then I go, all right, fuck this. I go to the next one. I call customer service. There's a customer service button.

So many picks up after three rings. I tell them what the fucking problem is. He said, oh my God, it's terrible. I'm so sorry, Mr. Burr. You know, I'll, I'll, let me, let me get you through. I'll stay on with you, right? Same fucking extension, same fucking on hold music. And I'm sitting there for like 15 seconds and I'm like, wait, I'm like, dude, are you still there? He wasn't there. So I fucking call back customer service again. Somebody else picks up.

I said, I tell a whole fucking story. They just told you. It's like the ninth time I'm telling this story. I feel front desk, the fucking third time, right? And as I'm telling it, she goes, he didn't stay on with you. And I'm like, no, like, is that normal behavior? She goes, I'm sorry. All right, let me get you through. And she finally gets me through. Okay.

To room service. It rings in the guy on the other end picks up room service and just goes. Hello. So I'm like, yeah, is this room service? He's like, yeah. I'm like, I'd like to order some food to the room. It's like super awkward. And he goes, all right, I go, okay, can I get that Ruben sandwich?

He's like, yep. I go, all right, can I get a side salad instead of the fries? Is it all right if I get a salad instead of the fries? And he goes, no, flat out says no. Now what am I going to do complain to him? He's got my food. He's got me by the balls. So I was like, I, you know, I guess I'm eating fries.

He's like, well, what do you, what do you want to drink? I just go, let me get a water with ice. So he goes, all right. So, you know, I get in the room number and I fucking hang up. I sit there walking around with fucking hotel room muttering to myself. Going, it literally took me a fucking half hour to get through to somebody that could get me to somebody to order a fucking sandwich to my room. And then when I asked, you know, have it your way, Burger King, he basically was like, yeah,

no, go fuck you. Like I was his kid. Daddy, can we get some ice cream now? All right. I guess you're taller than me and you're driving and you're paying for everything. So I guess what you say goes, this guy's fucking talking to me like that. So now I'm in another hotel. And I wanted to find out, I don't know what there was a vending machine on this fucking

floor and I'm trying to find, there's no button on the phone that says front desk. And this is feeling like a trend where I've noticed, you know, you go into your room, if there's no menu, you call them up. If you can get somebody on the phone, where's the menu? They say it's on your TV. And then you go on the TV and you got to use, figure out your fucking remote control. It's all on you. You have to figure it out.

Right. And you got to figure this shit out and then order it without talking to anybody. Like how far are they going to take this? I feel like in the future, like you're going to be like, especially in this country with the fucking healthcare, you're going to be like dying or something. And it's going to be up to you to figure out like how to get a hold of somebody. And I don't know what, you know, if, yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I got stabbed in the abdomen. Okay. Yeah. I was wondering if I could get some room service. If you could like drive an ambulance over here, maybe like pick me up. All right. Yeah. Can you, you know, maybe bring like some bandages and stuff.

No. All right. Well, the ambulance is going to show up. Yeah. It's going to be like, like that level of shit. I don't know. My fucking pet pee though is people that hate their fucking job. You know what I mean?

And then they take it out on you. It's like, dude, it's not my fucking fault. You work here. Okay. You don't like the job. Quit. Fuck. And I destroyed, you know, the fuck are you doing?

You're going to try when you get your dream job. Go fuck yourself. You're going to suck the whole time. Oh man. Oh, I got another good one. I hope I'm assuming you enjoyed that story. Here's another travel story for you. So I'm on my way to Atlantic city, right?

And I, uh, I get on the plane and I'm sitting there. I just, as I'm sitting there, I'm looking down. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Reading a magazine or some shit. And, uh, I was reenrolling stone. And he had this guy going, Bill Burr, Bill. Hey, Bill, Bill Burr. Hey, Bill, Bill Burr.

And look up. I see it's his comic. I know. I'm like, oh shit. Hey, how you doing? He's like, you working in Philly? I was like, no, I'm landing there. And I'm going to fucking drive over to Atlantic city.

He goes, oh cool. I'll talk to you when we get off, right? So I hadn't seen him in a while. I'm not going to name any names here because I don't want to get anybody in fucking trouble, right? So we get off the fucking, I get off the plane, right? Take a leak and come out. He's fucking stand.

Hey, what's going on? So we start shooting the shit and we're walking and we get to the, uh, you know, the moving sidewalk. We hadn't seen each other a little bit. We were standing side by side, but you're not supposed to do because it's walk or stand. So this guy, as he's walking up, is going to excuse me, excuse me. Like, he only had to say it once and we immediately, we immediately got out of the way and he comes huffing by as he walks by.

Then he points up at the sign that says walk or stand. So I just was like, I go, hey buddy, relax. And he's walking away. He goes, you relax. I go, you're the one pointing at the sign. He started talking more shit. And I go, oh yeah, I get it. I get it.

Yeah. You got your earbuds in. You're important. Right. So he starts giving me shit. And I just started saying, and turn around every now and then I get a little bit something. You know, cause the song he was listening to and I made him so mad. He gave me the finger and it was like the highlight of my fucking trip.

I was already in a bad mood because the second we landed some cunt, like five rows back immediately turned on the cell phone and had like a conversation at the top of his lungs. You know, and I know there's something weird about this where in that story, the middle story, I was the cunt cause I was standing where you were supposed to be walking. But the thing is the second the guy said, excuse me, I knew what I was doing wrong and I immediately got out of the fucking way. I didn't act, you know, I immediately got out of the way. This guy's still shaking his fucking head.

I was just looking at the guy like, who the fuck are you to behave like me in that situation? You know, the nervous some people who you to walk by mad at me that I wasn't aware that you were trying. And this is the thing. He wasn't really even in a fucking hurry because he had the time to argue with me and give me the finger. He's just one of those fucking people that just has to walk fast. So they feel like they're getting somewhere. I don't know. By the way, I got to tell you something.

Those stupid little fucking little half a straw is that people have hanging out of their fucking ears. It's just, you know, that's like the Bluetooth of headphones. I think very soon people are going to that's going to become like remember like Bluetooth was cool for like a week evidently, then everybody just made fun of that stupid thing hanging out of your ear. I really think that those whatever those things are called. I have no idea. It always looks like you have a little bit little straw hanging out of your fucking ear. I'm not a fan of those.

I've always been a fan of headphones. I don't like my ears are fucked from playing drums and I don't like jamming shit into my ear. I don't know. Plus, you know, what if you ever got like right like right there? What if we got into a fight, right? Me and that guy and I fucking through a hook and I punched him right in the ear and then that thing goes into his ear. You know, and then for the rest of his life, he's listening to fucking Blondie or something in one of his ears. They can't get it out or punches his ear drum and then I get sued.

You know, all because I wanted to say hello to a comic. Okay. Do you understand that people? That's how quick it can happen. That's how quickly you can lose your hearing. By the way, you know, it's really fucking underrated old lady card games. I sat down with a relative of mine this past week. There was a deck of cards there, right?

I had like a little family union thing, right? And one of my relatives, she's a little bit older or whatever. I was just like, hey, you want to play gin rummy? And she was like, yeah, she proceeded to kick my ass for like the next hour, but we weren't on our smartphones, weren't watching TV, weren't doing anything. We were just sitting there, you know, talking about the old days, laughing, having a good time, giving each other shit, trying to remember how to keep score. And I don't know, I really got a lot. I was sitting there going like, you know, that's one of the coolest hangs I've had with this particular relative in a long fucking time. I don't know.

It made me kind of think like, you know what, I should, I need to bring that into my life. You know, my kid's going to be hilarious. She's going to be like totally of this time and then like know how to drive like a Ford F103 on the tree. She's going to know how to play old lady card games. I figure like all this shit that's fucking good from back in the day, at least what I consider good. I'm going to teach her how to do old school shit, like knowing how to cook as opposed to just doing the postmate shit. You know, you know, whether she wants to do it or whatever, she'll know how to do it. You know what I mean?

I don't know. It made me immediately think like, what if I just converted my entire garage into like a cigar bar and had friends over over. We played cards. I had a smoke eater so we could smoke inside. Then I'm like, well, I can't fucking do that because then I'll fucking die of throat and mouth cancer because it'll just be too goddamn fun. You know what I mean? It's weird. It's a really weird thing being an adult, you know, and it's also even more weird figuring it out at 50.

Because you have that thing when all of a sudden, you know, I guess you go away to college, you just move out and you're like, okay, my parents aren't here anymore. Now I can do whatever the fuck I want. And you do whatever the fuck you want for a while and then you just start paying for it. And I've kind of been learning this really at my age. There's nothing better than going to bed sober and having eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. If I do that and wake up, stretch and then go to the gym. I feel like like 15 years younger than I said, I feel like I'm in my 30s. Like it's fucking ridiculous.

Now, having said that, I plan to go back to booze, you know, at some point, but I just I got to get through tape in my special. And then there's an outside chance I have another acting gig coming up. And, you know, because you never know now, Jesus Christ, you have no fucking idea. You know, it used to be back in the day if you if you were on something this far into where I'm at with this deal, you were in there. But nowadays, you know, one fucking tweet or somebody reads some shit from fucking, you know, somebody pulls out a yearbook from the 80s. I mean, you know, you don't know what can happen. You don't know what's in there. You don't you don't know what the fuck other people have done and all it takes is one principal fucking person.

You know, there's some fucking, you know, VHS tape of him kicking a pigeon in the fucking beacon. And then the whole fucking thing goes away. So I don't know. So anyways, there is a thing that I always like, you know, I've always wanted to go an entire calendar year, January 1st through December 31st and not drink and just be like, I didn't drink that year. So I think I think this might be the year I know it's already cruising by. I'm like fucking 11 weeks in already, you know, what's the point of stopping by the time I take my special that'll be another three weeks. That's 14 weeks, 52 weeks in a year, 52 minus 14, 38 weeks to go. I'm not, I can't make it through that.

I think I can do it. But anyways, what the fuck else did I want to talk about? I'm actually sitting here now late night, just did a spot and I'm watching Showtime boxing. You know, it's weird. I didn't realize HBO like let go of the box, box, oops, sorry, boxing after all of these years. And then on top of that, Jim Lampley is gone. So they still got that Al Bernstein guy or whatever. I don't know who, but they got all these new announcers and shit.

So it's a weird transition. You know what I mean? It's like when you're a kid, like the voices of it is as big a part as, as watching it. So it just takes a while. Like, well, I got to be honest with you, like this transition of new announcers in the NFL really took me a while. And that's why I'm loving Tony Romo because he's like the greatest like, like, oh my God, this guy, like Tony Romo is still in his 30s, right? Like this guy can announce for like another 30 fucking years in the level that he knows the game. This is like, it's a great thing, you know, because Al Michaels, I mean, Al Michaels has got to be what?

Like in his 70s, you know, and just those voices that I grew. I am so old. Like I remember the end of Kurt Gowdy. There was Pat Summerall and John Madden for the longest time, Don Cricky, all of these guys and just their voices were just football. I wish I could, I should have looked up some more of them. Oh, what's his face? He just passed recently. I can see his face.

He used to host a game show. Oh my God, I'm the fucking worst. The fuck did I forget his name? I don't know. Whatever. These guys were all the voices of it. So anyway, so now I'm watching boxing here. I'm like enjoying the boxing, but I'm like, these voices, like who the fuck are these people talking?

Man, it's just, it's a weird thing. It's like when your favorite band gets like a new lead singer or something. So unless it's ACDC, somehow ACDC was able to do it. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. All I know is this is right around the time when I would start doing advertising, but I don't have any advertising yet. So let's see. What else did I want to talk about? Maybe I'll record the advertising after.

Maybe I'll do something like that. Oh, I got one for you. Oh, I'm watching the boxing, by the way. The boxing, that's how old I am. I'm watching boxing in the, uh, you know what's funny is the UFC has so fucking destroyed this sport. Fucking destroyed this sport. Well, they were destroying themselves with the corruption and people ducking fights and just bad decisions and all of that. Basically throughout my whole fucking life.

But they have so destroyed them, but you know, it's fun. I shouldn't even bring this up, but it's just funny to me. Nobody's really paying attention to it. So like when the ring girls get in the crowd, there's still all these people going and fucking whistling and shit, like a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon. The only thing they're doing is not barking like a dog and stomping their foot on the fucking floor. You know what I mean? But as I've always maintained, like when it, when it comes to this getting offended shit, it has to be something big enough that they'll waste their time, uh, attaching their wagon. Oh my God.

Is that fuck is Larry Merchant gone? Larry Merchant. I mean, Jesus Christ. He, he, that guy is like a cunts cunt. He, there was just certain fighters. You could tell he just fucking hated him. You know, and he would never say anything positive. And then he'd go in the ring and start talking tough, like he was going to fucking do something.

Um, but I'll miss that guy. You know, he had that get off my lawn vibe. But anyways, I was looking at my, uh, my travel schedule for that run that I have that starts in Iceland and ends in Israel. I have a day off between wherever the fuck I end and then flying over to Israel. And on that day, there's a MotoGP race in Spain, but I just think it's going to be too much to try and get to, but I really was going to try to catch a fucking race this year. I was going to try to go to Austin, but, um, my schedule is not working out, but I am so fucking ridiculously excited for formula one and MotoGP to start back up again. This is what gets me through. It's, you know, you got the dog days of summer with baseball.

This is like the dog days before, I guess it's really just February now because March Madness is next month. You know, football is fucking over. So March Madness is next month, but basketball and hockey, it doesn't really start fucking matter until like, you know, Jesus Christ, the beginning of April. You're figuring out who's going to be what seed or whatever. Uh, speaking of which congratulations to the Lakers on the last second shot beat my fucking Boston Celtics. Um, I don't know what's going on with the Celtics. I got the stupid fucking, what do they call it? The hardwood classic package.

And I've watched like three Bruins games this year and like half a Celtics game over Christmas. I've just been so goddamn busy. It's killing me. I don't know what's going on. All I know is we have all this talent on the Celtics and I don't know if they're underachieving or what. But like I said, I was doing that acting gig last week and one of the guys on the set said, Hey, what's up with Kyrie? Is he going to go to LA? Um, so just the fact that he was asking that made me, uh, made me a little bit nervous.

Um, hey, by the way, I'm watching this for this Davis Ruiz fight. So I hope that's how you say his fucking name. And, uh, if I have a second, I thought it was in Los Angeles. I was like, Jesus Christ, I could have fucking gone to that, but it's in Carson City, Nevada. And I was just thinking, that's one of the few cities I've never been to. You know, I've been to, I've been to all the A's, all the B's and most of the C's, C level cities, not saying that your city sucks. It's just, you know, there's no professional sports team there. You know, there's no traffic.

There's a bit of a meth problem. You know, you know the characteristics of the C city. You're downtown still, you can still, if you squint your eyes, you're surprised like Cole Younger and Jesse James aren't walking up the street. It still has that, you know, Wild West look about it. At least it does out here. Carson City, actually that is the capital of Nevada and I've never fucking been there. A lot of people, if you were to ask them, hey man, like what's the capital in Nevada? They would be like, well, I would have to say that's Las Vegas.

And if you said no, they'd be like, okay, fucking Reno. And you'd be like, all right, there's no reason to swear at me. But no, it's not Reno. And then they might even guess Laughlin before they would get it. I don't even know where the fuck it is. Oh, Carson City. Oh, it's just south. Just south of Reno.

I love Reno. I fucking love Reno. Oh, and there's Lake Tahoe. Maybe I have been in it. I've been to Lake Tahoe. Jesus Christ, did I just like pass right through Carson City and then even fucking realize it? How the fuck did Carson City end up being the capital? This has got to be like some sort of gold rush cowboy shit.

By the way, there's a movie out called The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot starring Sam Elliott. All right. If you don't fucking immediately try and find out how you can watch that movie, you are no friend of mine. It's about a guy, you know, the character, he's the guy that found Hitler and killed him in World War II. And now they're pulling him out of retirement because the Bigfoot, not Bigfoot, the Bigfoot, just like I'm watching the boxing. All right. He has to go to Canada and kill the Bigfoot because evidently Bigfoot is walking around carrying some sort of plague that could wipe out human beings. So, and evidently, I guess Bigfoot is the Hitler of like a bonnable snowman.

How do you say that fucking word? I don't know. Like what, what, I don't know, of apes? What fucking world does, I mean, look this up right now. This is why the feds will never come and pick me up. They'll never worry. No matter how much conspiracy theory I say that I might be right about, when they just check my Google searches here, they'll just be like, all right, this guy is not a threat because of this Google search right now, what kind of animal is, somebody said Bigbird, Bigfoot.

I wonder if I'm the first one to ever search that. What kind of animal Bigfoot or Scotch watch are said to be hairy, upright, walking? Is it from any sort of family? You know? It's like an ape fucked Bill Walton, as far as I can tell. In North American folklore, Bigfoot or Sasquatch are said to be hairy, upright, walking, ape-like creatures that dwell in the wilderness and leave footprints. That's the funny thing about Bigfoot. What the fuck is the thing ever really done?

You know, it walks around, okay, if you, you know, hey Sasquatch, you got to leave your footprints all over the fucking place. You know? It's always running away. It hasn't really done anything. That's why I love this movie. They've somehow found a reason for man to finally find Bigfoot and then kill the fucking thing. All right, if I was writing that screenplay, okay, Bigfoot having that fucking, you know, carrying the plague, in the end you would find out that it was all bullshit. You know?

That it wasn't really doing anything. It's just where it was walking around, there was a lot of oil underneath the land where it was walking around. So the government then demonized Bigfoot and said that it could take down this entire first world nation because it's walking around with the fucking, with scalloped fever. First of all, nobody's ever seen Bigfoot. They don't know where the fucking thing is. There's never really been a good picture of the goddamn thing, yet somehow they know it has the fucking plague. All I know is Sam Elliott's in it and I'm going to fucking watch that movie.

Is it in theaters? You know, something, can you fucking, I still can't believe Aquaman made all that money. Made, I mean God, I mean happy it did him happy, some movies making some fucking money. Made 250 fucking million dollars. I can't believe people saw that fucking movie. Aquaman, he's a superhero in the ocean. Hey, fish don't commit crimes. I know.

You want to go see it? Yeah. I didn't see that movie. What I would do is if I was right in Aquaman, Aquaman is fucking pissed off because of that swirl of trash out in the fucking Pacific Ocean. And he's fine because he's not really a person, is he? Right. That should be my next Google search. What kind of fish is Aquaman?

What did Aquaman do? You know what he is? Some pirate fucked a mermaid. Okay. And that's, and then the mermaid gave birth to Aquaman. All right. Aquaman grew up without a dad. It's probably a Viking with his blonde hair.

He used to have blonde hair anyways. I don't know. When I was a kid, he had blonde hair and an orange shirt. You know. Now he looks like the fucking undertaker. Anyways, undertaker's nephew. So anyway, I was right in that fucking movie. All right.

Some Viking banged a mermaid. Who's kid new? Historically speaking, probably raped her. Right. So he's the rape baby of a Viking and a mermaid. All right. So his dad's not around and he's a rapist. So there's no reason to look that guy up.

Plus he's on land and he has gills. He can fucking breathe underwater and he sort of speaks through like waves. So I mean, it's bad enough. He started fucking, you know, call up a rapist on father's day. Now, I mean, you don't really speak. So how can you communicate with them? And then the mom, you know, sort of shuns him because of obviously how she got pregnant. So he's just sort of fucking, you know, he has issues with his mom.

Definitely doesn't like his dad. And his dad's really the only land dweller that he knows. So he's just like, you know what? Fuck this man. I don't need anybody. I'm just going to hang in the ocean with my fish friend. Cause fish, you know, they don't fucking judge them or anything. They take them in like, you know, like the wolves with the babies that get left out in the woods.

All right. Just, just bear with me. I'm going to get somewhere with this. So then the fucking guy, you know, as he gets older and older and older, right? They just, they just sitting there. All this trash keeps getting dumped in the ocean. And finally he can't fucking take it anymore. And he just goes on land and he starts fucking taking people out like Charles Bronson and death wish.

All right. You know, and like death wish, it starts with a rape. All right. But in this one, he's, he's doing it for the environment. And the first people he kills are hoarders. Well, I guess hoarders he likes because they don't throw it in the ocean. You know what I mean? He'd go after all those people.

No, you know, he'd fucking kill. He killed those people that, that made that TV show about being minimalist. That encouraged all these people after they bought all this shit to just go down and dump it at Goodwill. And then Goodwill just throws it in the fucking ocean or whatever the fuck it is they do with it. You know what I mean? Man, all the people I thought I thought he would kill when I really think about, he wouldn't kill. I was thinking about people in storage wars. He'd kill them.

He wouldn't. Those people are taking shit that usually get thrown out and they fucking buy it and they find some stupid fuck to buy it. I think he just hangs out at a Goodwill and just as people show up at their garbage bags of shit, he just fucking takes them. And before the cops can get there, right, the cops chase them back to the fucking ocean. You know, maybe he goes to that swirl of trash and he just finds shit and he just goes through it. And he finds addresses. I don't fucking know. I'll be honest with you.

I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point. I'm just telling you how I would do movies that I never saw. I don't know. What the fuck did they do with Aquaman? And then they gave him that chicken of the sea fucking pitchfork. I didn't understand it. Is he mad that we're eating tuna? We're killing all his friends.

You know, if that's the case, he should start in Japan. They're the ones that's doing all the sushi. They started that shit, right? See, I'm trying to get it out of my country. All right, so there you go. Now, I don't know where to go from here because now I only have like a fucking half hour left. I still have to do advertising and reads. You know, read your questions.

So that's what I'll do on Monday. I'll just bang out the last 25 minutes of this. This has been the first half of the podcast, the ramblings of a lonely man. Who's in a hotel room and he wants to call the front desk, but there's no information on how exactly I'm supposed to fucking do that. But it's a good thing because I was going to order food and now I'm not fucking hungry anymore. All right, I'm going to watch this goddamn fight. And through the magic of editing and time, there'll be no delay in your podcast.

I just know the next time I talk, I don't know what it will be Sunday or Monday. I don't fucking know. What do you give a shit, right? Because it's going to be a half a second delay for you. And just like that, now I'm in Los Angeles. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing what an edit can do? To you, that was one second.

For me, that was a fucking, you know, it's Monday morning. I feel like I have to do the intro so much time has gone by. By the way, I believe the last thing I was talking about Saturday, say, don't why don't you fucking come over on say, Saturday, say, say. Another card game that I played, crazy eights or some people call it dirty eights. That's just a great fucking game. And I suddenly realized, you know, because I went over one of my relatives. Domiciles there and I'm just fucking.

I was just walking around. All wound up like I usually am brain going a mile a minute. Can't fucking shut it off. You know, the only thing that I found that can shut it off is copious amounts of alcohol or sitting down and smoking a cigar. Neither of them are good for you. But I found with cards, if I just sit down, there's something about shuffling the cards, handling the cards, gets rid of that energy.

And I fucking chill out. And then amazingly enough, when I play cards, I have to learn how to control my emotions or else people know what's in my hand. I found it very therapeutic. You know, the TV wasn't on the entire time I was there and I didn't look at my smartphone and my head felt clearer. So I think I learned some, I think I'm already a scatterbrain. And all the TV screens and phone screens do not help someone like, that doesn't help someone like me.

My brain's like, oh, what about this? What about this? Well, I'll fucking look that up. Oh, is that what that is? Oh, what is this link to? Oh, what does so and so look like now that will surprise me? You know, and then I'm just fucking, there goes two hours of my life. And then I'm laying in bed and I can't fucking get to sleep. So I'm going to try to get my wife into playing cards.

Although I don't think she's going to do it because she's inherently a chill person. And I'm worried that if she starts playing cards, she might literally not off and fall backwards out of the chair. But anyways, old Billy Freckles, old Billy Freckles, 79 days, no fucking booze. And I got to admit, I am getting shit done. I did a couple of things that I would never do. I edited two episodes of efforts for family went through the script and through in my punchlines, did it on the fucking plane and there is no way. All right. When it's not the off season, if I'm playing, if the season has started, there's no fucking way I would have gotten half of that done.

I would have sat there on the plane. I would have watched a movie. I would have had one and I'd be like, hey, I like this feeling. Can we enhance it? Yeah, so I don't know. Do they have like binge drinker AA meetings? You know, everybody there is just like bored. Like, yeah, you know, I can stop.

You know, I don't need the fucking, you know, I don't know. I just made me a place where they're playing cards or some shit. Yeah, but it's called a casino. And you don't have to drink. You can make that choice for yourself. You can be brave. You can be a warrior. You can be all of these fucking things.

All right. Hang on a second. Anyways, I need to read some of the advertising here for this week here. Bro, for the new Galaxy A54. That's not going to happen. What did you say? I don't understand you. Wait, I got those ears in.

I wasn't going to call you. Information and conditions at proximus.be Proximus. Think possible. You know, I was reading this shit. You know, the Yankees, like spring training started. And it's so fucking funny, like the Yankee mindset, which is totally George Steinbrenner.

We're like, we haven't won a world series. You know, we lost to the Red Sox. So the honeymoon is over. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's always this threat. You know, with whatever manager they have or whatever, there's always this constant pressure that like they have to somehow do the impossible, which is to win the way they used to win.

Well, actually, they would accept the way they won in the late 90s, but I do respect that out of that franchise. But it's also funny because it's an empty threat. Like, what are you going to stop watching? You know, we all know we're not going to abandon our teams. At least the real fans won't. All right, legal zoom, everybody. Legal zoom, if you're determined to start a business or secure your family's

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How the fuck do you do that? You got to take the bar exam 50 times. Legal zoom can help you navigate your legal needs. Well, Bill, once you're a lawyer, you nearly need to fill out an application. Well, Bill, they hired 50 lawyers. Maybe they did that, one from each state. I don't know. From wills and trusts to LLCs, trademarks, contract reviews, and Mua,

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I didn't procrastinate. I had my wife reach out to somebody of influence and they got us a reservation at a fucking restaurant that we wouldn't be able to get into if I just called myself. Do you know who I am? I did a half hour at Comedy Central once. Hello? We're going to McDonald's. All right. Share a personal Valentine's Day story.

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Los Angeles then and now follow up. I love that someone gave me this here because I'm going to go back to reading books. Now, like I read a lot of them, but like I really think that my brain does not do well watching a bunch of shows and screens and stuff. I just, I find, I'm going to go, I'm going to do some old people shit. I'm going to play cards. I'm going to complain to the local, my local representative about the sidewalk, having a crack in it, whatever the fuck old people do.

But you know, whatever, I'm going to read some books. We'll see. There are a lot of, one of my favorite things to do those with Reader's Digest is to read the awful jokes to my wife. And I know that that's a Jim Norton bit back from the Opie and Anthony show, but I feel like if I do it in my bedroom, I'm not stealing from him. Maybe I'll give him credit next time. He used to read that the comics was one of my favorite bits that he would do. Then the local, the newspaper daily comics.

All right. There are a lot of books on Los Angeles history. This person writes, I find the whole, the whole thing fascinating. Why am I yawning so much? Even thought it's history, even though it, even thought, even though personal thought, even though it's history isn't as long as Boston, Philly and New York. The whole thing is fascinating. Let me see.

They said I made an album. I'll just go to the page. I would like to see this. Let's see. Oh yeah. Look at the old, oh my goodness. Look at these old houses. Holy shit.

They just knocked all of this shit down, didn't they? How many times must they plow it fucking over? You know, a lot of old houses, they just had that creepy fucking look, but these are incredible. And you know what I just realized? You guys can't see them. All right. Let's get back to whatever the fuck it was I was reading. That highlights just how, okay, I'm at an album that highlights just how true Bill's

bulldoze everything is. LA destroyed an entire historic neighborhood downtown to force the poor from the city center and build more economically viable skyscrapers. One of the darkest blemishes in LA's history, and that's not the only, that's not the only one. The amount of neighborhoods destroyed and people displaced due to freeway construction is astronomical. It is estimated 300,000 people were displaced between 1940 and 1970 for the freeways, which pretty much destroyed the history, this historic city.

It explains why LA is more suburban than cities like San Francisco. Yeah, it's fascinating how they do a lot of stuff. You know, there's eminent domain, which means, well, we're building this freeway. You can take this money for your house or we'll just fucking take it from you. I try not to get too sad about it. I just look at it like, you know, when those historic neighborhoods were being built, there was Native Americans crying going, you know, we used to fucking sit there and I don't know, just getting a buffalo, whatever the fuck, I don't know what the fuck, you know, there's

always going to be somebody that, you know, you know what used to be there. So I don't know. Get a deck of cards and shut off your fucking TV and maybe you can have a nice 20 minutes to yourself. All right. Advice for Mormon at BYU. Hey there, Billy Nickname. Last week on your podcast, you read a letter from a Mormon attending BYU asking for advice

about leaving the church as a former Mormon. That's a great former Mormon. Hi, I'm Mike Mormon. I'm a former Mormon. Keep it going for the former Mormon who also grew up in Utah. I thought I could only offer a little advice for them. I thought I could offer a little advice for them. I also went through something similar when I was 19.

I told my parents I wasn't going to go on a mission, which is a huge right of passage in the Mormon religion. Oh my God, they must have been crushed. And then you got to deal with upsetting the two people that you want the most approval from. They were really upset about it and it was hard for me to do, but I couldn't lie to myself anymore and try to believe in what the church teaches. Not long after that, I moved out of my parents' house and started attending the University

of Utah in Salt Lake City. It seemed daunting at the time and I didn't think I would be able to afford it, but somehow I was able to do it. Good for you. The hardest part about leaving the church is that the other members will ask you a million questions about why you're leaving and they're always trying to convince you to come back. Obviously, you can't shut out your family completely, but if you don't believe in what the church teaches, then you're not doing yourself any favors by staying just because it's routine.

Take it from me. I left the church a long time ago and I don't regret it. The people I know who have regrets are the ones I went to high school with, stayed in the church, went on missions, got married in the temple and ended up leaving Mormonism anyway. They all say that they would do things differently if they had to do it over again. The Mormon church isn't going anywhere. It will always be there if you eventually decided to go back, decide to go back, but

you'll never get your time back if you decide to stay in the church and then end up regretting it. I hope this helps and I'm sure you'll meet people who feel the exact same way you do. I've met tons of them and they really helped me out. Anyways, as always, thanks and go hug yourself. Wow. Yeah, I imagine if you looked for some sort of support group online, you could probably find a way to do that.

I like what he said. The church is always going to be there. You can always come back or maybe you enjoy it as much as this guy does and you stay out. There you go. It's your life. You choose. All right. Advice from Mormon.

Here we go. It's another one. Dear Billy Ball. B-A-L. B-A-A-L. Look it up. All right. Was this Mormon football bag?

Let's see. B-A-A-L. Mormon word. How many times? All right. What the fuck is this? This is some deep religious shit here. Bible dictionary.

B-A-A-L. Possessor Lord, the sun god in the male or generative principle in nature. He was worshiped with different powers. Generative principle in nature. He was worshiped with different ideas and rights in different places. So it's a possessor Lord. The fuck is a possessor Lord? Is that a landlord for Jesus?

I don't even know what that means. This is why I just try to keep my life simple. Because even if I don't know a word, if I look it up, I still don't know the word. All I'm left with is more questions. Just wanted to chime in on the advice that you gave that kid at BYU. Okay, good. Because I didn't think I gave him good advice. I had no idea whatever.

I grew up Catholic on the East Coast and converted to Mormonism when I was 18. Then a year later, I left my top 20 college to serve a mission in Las Vegas. You went to Las Vegas to try and convert people? Jesus Christ, you dove in with both feet. Can I just talk to you for a second about Mormonism? Some guy sitting at a blackjack table, he's on a roll, or even worse, he's fucking losing. When I got back, my school wouldn't take me. I was in a music program for drums and hadn't practiced in two years.

So I had hoped to go to BYU for a year and build my chops back up before I could get back into my original program. Wait a minute. What do you mean? Where the fuck does your school not take you? I was a group Catholic. You converted Mormonism. You left your top 20 college to serve a mission in Las Vegas. When I got back, my school wouldn't take me.

Oh, so I had to go to BYU for a year and build my chops back up before I could get back into my original program. Oh, because you haven't played drums in two years. All right. I got married in the church, and because my parents were members, they couldn't go to the ceremony in the temple. What? We did have a separate ring ceremony for all my friends and family as the marriage in the temple is usually small with a little pomp and circumstance. I can't think of anything that has hurt my parents as much as the decision that I have made surrounding my beliefs. The long talks, the arguments, the crying, the pain of not being around their son, etc.

It was very hard on my family. Through all of that, though, they want me to be happy and want me to be me. We are closer now than we have ever been having worked through our differences. Your parents should always love and support you. Well, it depends on what you're doing. You know, if you're going to go rob a liquor store, shoot some heroin, I don't think they should love and support. Well, they could say no in a loving, supporting way. While I was at BYU, there was a student in my program that took his life because he didn't like the lifestyle of the church and was scared of what his parents would think.

Oh my God. Having spoken to his parents after his death, they would rather have their son alive and out of the church than dead and in the church. Wow. It will be hard, but don't ever feel like there is no way out and no way that, and no one that has your back. BYU can make you feel that way. Begin to talk with your parents about it now and share how you feel about yourself. They will be hurt, but still love you. Eat a dick, Bill.

Get some meat on those bones, you skinny bitch. I love on it. You know, if I'm fat, I'm fat. If I'm skinny, I'm too skinny. I just can't make you people happy. All right. What do we got here from a masculine lesbian lady? Oh, I put it out there.

You know, Valentine's Day was coming up, you know, is coming up. You know, the pressure is always on the guy and we have to show how much we love them and they really don't have to do shit other than put on something hot and bang you. And they act like they're doing you a favor when sex feels good to them too. So I don't really don't understand, you know, can you imagine if I acted like, you know, banging my wife was, was this great pleasure thing for her as I'm on top of her. Like, I'm not having a good time. And those are the noises I make during sex and you can fucking deal with that for the rest of the day. Have that in your head. That's what I do on a loop, on a loop from a masculine.

So I asked, you know, I want to talk to the man in the lesbian, the more manly woman in the lesbian relationship does. What does she have to do? You know, because there's two ladies there, right? Now do you both demand shit? Or does one, you know, the one who has to go up on the fucking roof during the rain to fix the fucking, you know, the goddamn, the fucking satellite dish, right? So anyways, hey, yo, I came Billy, Bibba City, the Bassidy. Got another word I have to look up. I have no idea.

What do you guys, what do you guys hear these fucking words? I know I can't spell. I know I'm fucking stupid. Now, Babassidy, usually uncountable, the practice or habit of drinking too much alcohol. Oh my God, I love this word. How do you pronounce it? Pronunciation. Is it Babassidy?

Come on, let me hear it. Let me hear it. Bibbassidy. Bibbassidy. How do you say it? Bibbassidy. Bibbassidy. Is that how you say it?

Bibbassidy. All right. Hey, yo, Billy Bibbassidy. Wow. There's this, this, this person to think of, although I think you are back on the wagon of late. Yes, I am. I have been a fan of yours. Wait, I gotta look that word up again.

I already forget what it means. Boozehound, right? Babassidy. The practice or habit of drinking too much alcohol. Somebody who boos is that's a great name for a band. It's a great name for a podcast. Billy Bibbassidy. I don't know if you can beat that.

That's a great wrestling character. He's drunk. He can't hear the ref. I have been a fan of yours going on a decade now. You were literally my favorite comedian all the way back to you punching the muffins at the flea market. My flippin' favorite. Ah, God bless you. You put out the call for a masculine lesbian lady to write, so here's your earful.

First off, I have no idea what it's like to be a man. All I know is that I can relate to so many of your jokes and rants about the dynamics between men and women from the man side. Isn't a refreshing to hear a woman say she actually doesn't know what it's like to be a man? So many of these fucking assholes. I know exactly what it's like. It's ether. You're a cartoon character. I've been married to my lovely wife for 21 years, the first nine illegally until same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts when we legalized our vows.

Congratulations. In our relationship, I am the breadwinner, the fixer of all broken things, the killer of scary bugs. For sure, the one who would have to climb on the roof and fix the damn antenna in the rain. Barring that, the one that's got to negotiate with the servicemen while she nudges me and says, just pay him. I'm missing my show. The one who pays for dinner, even when I'm the celebrated, the list goes on. Oh my God. Jesus Christ, could I have a beer with you?

Further, I am expected to ensure my lovely wife is wowed on Valentine's Day, our anniversary and her birthday. I make good money. Don't get me wrong. But, my gosh, I like that you already said flippin' in my, my gosh. Are you a card player? Do you play old lady cards, crazy eights? What the hell am I? I ended on my gosh.

In fairness, she puts up with my mercurial attitude, circular debating and occasional raging. Wait, is somebody trolling me right now? Is this the lesbian version of me? Still, I have no, but I don't say my gosh. Still, I have no doubt that I would be cut in half if we, we divorced. Also, no doubt she'll outlive me while being such a brave widow. LOL. Before I get all Rodney Dangerfield on you, no respect, I'll tell you, no respect at all.

In truth, we are the best of friends all the way back to our first day in high school. She understands me more than anyone in my life and has truly helped push me forward in my career in ways I never thought possible. Win-win. See, now as a man, I don't think I could ever admit that about my wife. Maybe that's the flaw. She's funny without trying and brilliantly smart and honest. She helps me be a better person. Wait, did Nia write this and she's pretending to be a lesbian?

As a woman of a certain age, 49, I came up at a time when dynamics between same-sex relationship had the male-female polarity expectation attached. I don't think it's as much that way now. So much has changed in the LGBTQ culture since we were coming up. Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer? I don't know. Fuck, I can't. It's something else I have to look up. I can never remember how that goes.

LGBTQ. Back then, Old Man Voice, back in my day, the term butch fem was hugely popular and I am definitely more butch. It's also a regional identity associated more with the East Coast than the West. We've lived out West for over a decade and don't see a whole lot of butch slash fem, I don't know. But for that matter, we're not nearly as social as we were back East, so who knows? You should totally do a study on butches. We are a good lot. Hope that helps and go fuck yourself.

Dude, do you realize how fucking hilarious it was? It would be. In a perfect world, you went into a bar after having a fight with your wife and some dude in the lesbian relationship, sort of old school chick was sitting there at the bar and you both fucking hit it off. It would be fucking hilarious. I think that's just how it is. I just think in maybe all relationships, there's just the person that's fucking pulling the wagon and then there's a person sitting in the wagon complaining.

But when you stop the wagon, they rub your back. I don't fucking know. Dilemma. Dear Billy, four in the road. Is it supposed to be fork in the road? That's F-O-R. Dear Billy, four in the road. If you had to choose between, I think it's fork in the road. If you had to choose between being president of the United States or pope of the Catholic Church,

which would you choose and why? Oh, president because I don't only would have to make evil decisions for most eight years and at the least four years. That's why I would do it. They're both absolutely horrific jobs and the amount of blood on your hands at the end of it is, I don't think it's something you ever get passed if you're a truly normal human being and I don't, but that's why I don't think normal human beings go for their job, go for those jobs. All right. And there's a lot of people, you know, especially in politics, they put on the fucking white hat and they act like they're there for you.

Some of them are, but they're always, they're always now labeled as socialists and working for, you know, ISIS or the Russians or whatever, and they just get buried. You know, I don't know. You watch, you watch that young woman there, that 29 year old woman who everybody's just flipping out about for whatever reason, because she's young and pretty. I don't know why everybody's freaking out about her. She has very little experience and everybody is freaking out like she's fucking amazing. I mean, one of the things that she wanted to do was tax certain Americans 70%.

And it's just like taxing anybody more than 50% is fucking criminal. The fact that you're doing the job, you actually get up and do the job and then somebody who didn't do the job gets more fucking money than that is fucking criminal. And watching this woman just sitting there, you know, talking to these old politicians and acting like she's sitting there with a two by four and is going to start cleaning shit up. And she's completely ignoring the $800 billion gorilla in the room. Completely fucking ignoring it. Okay, and she's gonna, you watch all her righteousness and all her fucking bullshit. I guarantee you, guess who's going to be a multimillionaire at the end of her political career? Even if she doesn't advance past the Senator House of Representative level, where she only makes six figures a year, guess who's going to be a multimillionaire?

Sign a massive book deal, totally fucking sell out and buy a big ass fucking house and maybe do an arena tour like Michelle Obama or go on a speaking tour like every other fucking president. You watch and go, they ain't going to talk to you. They're going to go out and talk to banks and corporations and everyone who financed their fucking campaigns. You fucking watch. All right. You saw what happened when Trump tried to pull the troops out of Syria, both Democrats and Republicans were 100% against that. And they act like, oh, we can't just, we've already displaced all these people, but they don't give a fuck. That's their money, that money for being in that fucking bullshit over there.

That fucking shit right there is what makes them fucking millionaires, multi, multi fucking millionaires. And all they do is sit there and blame each other and every mouth breathing fucking moron fucking just believes it, drinks the Kool-Aid and then goes on Facebook and starts arguing with each other and then starts advocating to tax a fellow American who didn't get us into those wars upwards of 70 fucking percent. That's the direction we're going to go in. And at no point are we ever going to examine the banking system or are we going to look at corporations and see how they can be reeled back into actually being less powerful than the United States government or whatever country that they're in. All right. That's the world you enter as president or Pope, Pope of the Catholic Church, Catholic fucking church. I mean, I mean, they're one of the biggest fucking terrorist organizations ever, ever, the amount of fucking people that they tortured and murdered.

I mean, they were in bed with the Nazis. They were hiding one of the Nazis in their fucking churches. One of the guys, one of the fucking people, part of the final solution that the Mossad was hunting down was found in a fucking Catholic church in the south of France. Dead Jewish people's gold. They had some of that in the church and they had to fucking give that back. I mean, it's a fucking shit show. So if you get there, that is a lifetime appointment. And if you think you're going to go in there and change that when everybody else in there previous to you has all that blood on their hands, like they're not going to view you as a threat.

Yeah, that was what was funny when Trump came in. He's like, I'm going to clean up the swamp. Let's just say he actually did have a good heart and he wasn't like the fucking Grinch. Let's just say he actually did have a good heart. That whole thing, I'm going to clean up the swamp. Like everybody there who was corrupt was going to be like, well, I guess the party's over. He's going to clean it up. No one's going to work with you.

No one's going to help you cut their own fucking head off. So I don't know. I don't want to end on a depressing note, but like that is it is a massive, massive, massive fucking problem. It's the reason why there's global warming. It's the reason of overpopulation. All of it goes back to corrupt politician and religion. And that's as far as I can tell, and I'm not a smart guy. You might know it better than me, but there is no fucking reason why we shouldn't be polluting much less.

I was just reading something where like the continent of Africa is going to feel the effects. The first, which is the worst fucking continent for that to happen to because with racism and third way people view so-called third world countries and everything, nobody's going to give a fuck until it's in their fucking backyard and it's going to be fucking too late. So there you go. There's one to grow on. And that's why I fucking have gone back to reading readers digest, looking at those dumb jokes, just playing cards and sitting on my back porch, smoking a cigar, staring at a fucking tree because we're on a runaway fucking train. And everybody, and everybody who's a passenger on the train is blaming everybody else on the other side of the aisle as if they're the ones driving the fucking train.

Oh my God, this is depressing. Anyways, that's the podcast. God bless you. It's almost baseball season. Take me out to the ball game. I just realized the volume was up super loud because I just took this mixer out of my luggage. I hope this wasn't too distorted. God bless you.

I'll check in on you on Thursday, you cunts. Now at Proximus, the perfect deals with a 1 plus 11 for 0 euro bain mobile abonnement. 0 euro? That doesn't make sense. I don't want that either. So far so good. For me, it feels like a heart attack. Oh, that's a good ringtone.

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