Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-18

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

Bill sits down with comedian Kevin Shea.

All right, hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning podcast for Monday, September. Now February 12. There's a fucking comedian. I don't know whether I know where the fuck I am. February 12 2018. What's going on? How are you? Usually, usually I do these by myself. Usually I'm just sitting alone. But it's like, you know what, fuck this. My buddy called me up. He's got a podcast he wants to promote. And he's a fucking Eagles fan. So I figured why not? I got to go on because for some reason people think I actually fucking hate Philly just because I got booed there because of that video. Yeah. And it's just like, no, I got booed in Philly. If you got booed in Texas, what do you do? You

make fun of fucking pickup trucks, chicks with too much makeup? All of it. I just make fun of Texas in general. I think everyone just goes to Texas. My goal to stay is Kentucky. I like what's Kevin Shea everybody. Oh, hey, from the Kevin Shea podcast. The all I'm saying podcast. All I'm saying, that's that's easy, right? Do you know every host and it also kind of gets you off the hook or whatever you just said. Exactly. All I'm saying is there's too many people. I didn't mean to specifically pick out that group like they needed to go. But there's too many fucking people. Everyone every host fucks it up though. It's kind of funny because they go they go with your intro. All I'm saying podcast. All I'm saying I'm saying I said you can write easy. They

ask two more times before they go on stage and they go, Oh, I'm talking about what you're doing. How's it going? And so we know you didn't get all sassy. Yes. And we always bet the other all I'm saying isn't really that's that's that's pretty mainstream vernacular. I you know, I didn't I thought it was I fucking getting a title is hard like you have the best title ever. It's just doing it. Yeah, it's simple. It's so simple. That's why I did it. Remember when it would come out funny. And then people go, We still want every day of the week. It's like, Well, then it's not the Monday. You got the Thursday. I do the Thursday, but Thursday just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I love when people just they go fucking all out. Yeah,

like you show up at some of the some of these comic studios, you feel like you're doing Howard Stern. I you know what you want to be like, dude, you could really keep you overhead. Wait, look, I'm not talking about guys like Rogan, like Rogan in will have like, you know, like fucking super, super famous people. Yeah, I'm just talking just like, Oh, doesn't it jerk off like me and I'm having you over. The only reason why you're not in my house right now is because my daughter I figured that I figured because your daughter's sleeping. And then I didn't I didn't know you moved like when you texted me the dress studio, I know, but when you text me, I didn't even meet this this studio. Yeah, yeah, you when you texted me, I was like, why would he move to

Burbank? I was like, I was like, Bill, I was like, you're doing well. You got you got more bang for get more bang for my buck out here. Why would you move to Burbank? I like the valley. I like the valley. You know, you're getting better, better conversations out here. You know what I mean? You meet some guy who did something on mash way back in the day, a bunch of Trump supporters. You know, the Hillary stuff gets old man in Hollywood. It's like, I get it. I get it. You know what I mean? I want to hear it. I want to hear somebody actually think something good's going on. I love it. He's making it better every day. My brain takes better. That's taco tastes better. I don't I don't really talk to a lot of people. You know that about me. Well,

then why did you come down here? Well, for you, it's just because your team just won the Super Bowl the EA G LES. By the way, I cut my fucking huge Eagles fan. But I hate that fucking song, the fight song. I don't know fly. It has to be old, right? It's not. It's fucking not. I did a whole research. I thought it was from like 1920 or 1850. Because it's not fly Eagles fly. When I see that sounds like it was written the same week of for he's a jolly good fellow. Back when that wasn't corny to say it's it's weird because it's supposed to sound. Oh, it's got the boom, boom, boom, like the drums up front and goes, hit them high, hit them low. So looked it up as my Taz. It's 1985 or something like me. That is like 30 years ago, 32 years ago. Put it this way. If you were in 1985

right now, and that song was 32 years old, it would have been written in 1953. Oh, shit. But I gotta be honest. Hit them high, hit them low is very like still like that sounds like it's written in the 40s. It sounds very college. Very No, not not even college like high school. I would say college. You say college. Don't be too too hard. No, no, I love the song. I love his thing. It's one of those songs where I love it, but I acknowledge his corny. Oh, okay. I mean, it's cheesy, but I love it. Is it fly Eagles fly up up to the sky? Is it like a disco remake? I'm like getting uncomfortable. You're singing. I fucking sing this whole podcast, you know, the pot he's a jolly good fellow. So the egos won the fucking Super Bowl. Remember when we were

going to Brea? This is like years ago. I block all of those gigs. I hate those drives. No, I swear to God, dude, I almost like was ready to fucking just leave LA yesterday. No way. I did. I did. It was like fucking Saturday. It was a Saturday afternoon. And I was I can rush our traffic. And you want to get mad, but you're going to be like, Well, I'm also out here. And they're all just fucking nobody is fucking talking about doing something about this population problem. And I'll tell you one thing we have to get a problem of is touching the desk and hitting this. This is going to be annoying in this. We have a new podcast studio here. Oh, shit. Did you? Are we doing that? No, I just I've been hearing it. So like, we're gonna have to

put some sort of padding here. I don't know what. But anyways, I like nature, right? I enjoy like watching animals and that type of shit. But I always have my my I never take the remote out of my hand when I watch a nature show. Because right when they start talking about what's going on with them and how they're all going to die off because of us, I shut it off. Well, my daughter always, you know, takes the remote. And it's amazing. My fucking remote sucks. I can literally be pointing at the TV like change, change, change. What the fuck? I won't do anything. My daughter picks it up and is like walking away with it. And we'll somehow turn on the fucking DVD player. I still have one of those. Is it digital? The remote? Is the remote all digital with like no I have

direct TV and I love direct TV. But their remote sucks. You look at it, you have to fucking reboot the thing. It's like, it's like, it's like it was in an abusive relationship. It's oversensitive. I feel like it was recycled. Like some racist had it before me was constantly throwing it at the TV funny. And then they just like, you know, like all our old phones that you watched a bunch of porn on over there and like Thailand or the Philippines. Do you know, I do you do you have a I have a laptop that you use just for porn. Oh, yeah. That's I just thought that in there. I'm very specific is proof or something. No, it's just, it's just the hard drive so latex. It's just so old and shot. So I don't give a fuck if it gets diseases. Or maybe some like, I don't care. It

stays separate. But it's old is big. It's not that reminds me of you ever see these people that get like foster kids, and they feed their their real kids and they just take the checks for the foster kids. Damn, that's the kid will look like he's fucking eight years old and really bony. And you'll be like, how old are you? And he's like 26. I didn't know that was a thing that is a thing. Feed him like fucking paste and shit. But here's what's confusing. When I was younger, I'm adopted. I never doesn't surprise me. I didn't irritate. I don't know the difference. I didn't know the difference between foster and adopted. So you thought there was like foster a kid means you just take them for a little while, right? Yeah. But they were always like abused and I was

never abused. And I couldn't rack my brain as a kid. I called my parents mom and dad. But then my friends down the street, who were a family, but they were divorced with kids, called them by their fucking names. Well, it's right there. That's why they got a divorce. They were never committed. They weren't committed to each other. They weren't committed to having the kids. But it gets weird like when they would call their mom by their first name. Well, my my daughter learns how to speak. I'm going to be like, this is Mr. Shea. She's not going to call you Kevin. I don't like that. I don't like it either. I fucking can't stand when people do like my buddies will talk to their other parents and they say, Hey, John, Paul, it's weird. It would help if we

kind of dress like adults though. What are you talking about? I mean, you got a hat. I combed my hair. You got a hat. You're an adult. There you go. It's not you don't have a you know what it was. No, but back in the day, like, you know, people used to fucking like if you want I was I tape recorded all like they had all the NFL films, Super Bowls in a row on NFL films and I taped all 51 of them. And I'm just working my way through them. I love them. I can't get an awesome. They're awesome. So I was watching them. And first of all, like the first like 11 Super Bowls were played in like the afternoon. I know they played like Rice Stadium or Tulane. You know what I mean? And there was just like a like a like a fucking college band like what if I'm like the Michigan Marching

Band, that's so when out there and play didn't didn't the Niners. I thought you were scattin horn. I think you would start doing a band or something. Like now I'm now you're my fucking head. Okay. Didn't the Niners. Yeah, they played in Golden Gate Park. Remember for one of the championships and probably an NFL championship, but you guys sucked back then. So I don't know. I think you had like one good year in the 40s and 50s. It was one it was one in the 50s and then 1960 was the last one. And we used to we always get into this discussion about like you think it matters. What the NFL Championship NFL titles should count. They do count but they're not Super Bowls. And you know, I don't get that. I you know, there was no other league. I get it. I get it. But now there is another

league. There's no there's still there was there was still a fucking no you don't understand the AFL started in 1960. Before then there was there was only the no there was the NFL. And then the AFL came in. I'll give you a little history lesson. The first year the AFL. Okay, all the NFL owners laughed. Look at these fucking morons wasting their money. But while they laughed at them, they then they made two moves to fuck over the AFL. The first thing they did was the team with the most amount of money was was that was the Dallas Texans. They were red and white, right? They later became the Kansas City Chief. So what the NFL did was immediately or gave Dallas an NFL franchise. That's how the Cowboys started that started so that there would be a team in the same city as the wealthiest AFL

team. They're trying to cut the head off the snake here. So then basically, they're figuring both they're going to be low quality of players because they're both brand new. However, you could see Jim Brown or whoever like the superstar of the day was would come in and play the Cowboys. So you're going to go to that game rather than the Dallas Texans. And it kind of worked because the Texans ended up moving to Kansas City and became the chiefs. All right, then the other move they made was one of their franchises, the Minnesota Vikings were initially going to be an AFL team. And they came in and they said, Hey, you want to join the NFL? And then they said, Hey, fuck the AFL, let's go with this team. So that's what they did. They tried to fuck over two teams.

That's what they did. Now, the NFL continues. There's all these fucking championships being one, the Green Bay Packers, one like fucking 13 of them. And they're the New York Yankees, they're the fucking Celtics, they're the Montreal Canadians of football, but they just don't recognize their first 12. So they say the Steelers are with six Super Bowls. So in after 1969, when the Jets beat the fucking Packers, no, Colts, they beat the Colts. And there was a merger talk was already there. And the AFL was actually doing so well, and was such an exciting product that it was kind of looking like they may actually might take over the NFL. All right. And the only guy who had the balls to say fuck the new NFL merger deal was was was what's his face there? Jesus Christ,

he just spaced on his name with the Raiders. Oh, Al Davis, Al Davis was fucked that he just didn't want to beat him. He wanted to bury him. He wanted to put him out of business and everybody else was like, No, fuck that, let's join. So they joined. Okay, now that has happened in other leagues, the NHL with like the IHL with Wayne Gretzky's where the fuck he played with India, Indianapolis, like, I guess that was his first team. I used to know all of this shit. But they they've absorbed teams from other leagues. The the the NBA took in ABA teams. Yeah, but they they but they still count the Celtics championships, but they didn't change the name of the title. I think it's because of the event. Oh, changing the name of title. I will go with that. That's what it is. Maybe that's

what it is. Because it's that you're changing the name of the title. The basketball never changed the name of the title. But here's the thing, the first two Green Bay ones now with the NFL AFL championship game as was the third one, which the Jets, the Jets was an NFL title game, which is great. But you know what's funny about the whole story you heard, you just you told me, I was just thinking, Oh, my God, the Vikings still suck. But the Yeah. Do you know the Patriots now have tied? They've lost the most Super Bowls, but they also Oh, they don't have. There's also the thing is we've also been to the most. You've been a fucking 10. We're five and five. You're you've been a 10. Here's the thing. I saw it. It's not an NFL fan out there that wouldn't take that except for the

Steelers or the Steelers or the 49ers in the 49s and the Cowboys because they already have five and they've been like eight or something. Denver's been five. Denver's been five. Denver lost five and is one three. So they've been to eight. Christ. The Cowboys have won five and they see they lost to the Colts. They lost to the Steelers twice. I think that's I think they've been to eight. I saw your clip on Conan and you go, Oh, I've been through five of these losses. I'm like, How old are you? Because the first Patriots Super Bowl was 86. Okay, that makes sense. Because I am old. I'm turning 50 in June. Well, congratulations. I turned 42 on Friday in America. Yeah, you look great. Thank you. Thank you considering how much both of us drink. I mean, yeah, we're both in good shape,

too. I know. I know. This is the suck our dicks podcast. So anyways, before we get into your big win, because I really because I got to be honest with you, I actually as a boss, I'm old enough to remember when all the Boston teams sucked except for the Celtics in the 80s, but then Len bias died and Reggie Lewis died and then it was just fucking over. I remember what it felt like the first time. So I was actually when the Patriots were not looking good to me. Okay, you know, when we played the Steelers, and we had the game one, and we let up that 90 we let up 90 yards on a screen pass. And then the first year they won. No, this year, this year, this year, in December, we did that against the playoff team. And then they threw a touchdown to win the game. But the NFL

now is like, Oh, when he had the ball, did you really have the ball? So it's not a catch. But that game was a fucking loss. And that gave us home field advantage. And that helped us fucking go to the Super Bowl. Go to Super Bowl. Yeah. So here was the thing. I was kind of watching you guys. Yeah, because I was just going, All right, who am I going to root for? I was like, Oh, LA Rams would be cool if they got something. The fucking Eagles would be cool because they never won. So here's the thing. If my team isn't fucking in it, I'm going to root for the team. There you go. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. All right. So but you know, if it's Yankees, fuck the Yankees. And if it's the Canadians, fuck the eight Canadians. And if it's the Lakers,

fuck the Lakers. But other than that, I gotta ask you, why, why the Canadians? Oh, Bruins, Canadians is like a huge used to be a huge rivalry. And what happens is is one team never wins it. And then the other team always wins it. And then then what happens is then you win it. And that's the end of the movie. Then the credits are rolling like they try to make like the Red Sox Yankees thing. It's not the same. No, it's over. And it's kind of like, you know, when they make the sequel, but the star of the movie doesn't sign on to do it again. Yeah. Or back back in the day when that like a movie like Major League two without Wesley Slypes, they took one more apps slash all he was out. Okay, there you go. There you go. There you go. Well, I would say Major League without

Charlie Sheen. Yeah, okay, the third one then. Okay, the third one, or Jaws 3D Jaws two, the second Spielberg goes now I'm not doing it. It just became it became good. You like it? Was that the one? What was the one where the shark started roaring? That was the third one, right? It was going like, that's bad. Okay, that's bad. Aaron, you knew that? Yeah, that's hilarious. He just he was so immediate with the four. That's why that's so funny. Everybody looks at Sharknado like it's this worst thing ever. It's like, no, dude, the groundwork had been laid. But I like bad movies. Well, let's get back to this real quick. So I so I was going to sit there and you know, you know, I got a lot of friends yourself. Yeah, I got like a good half

dozen people that I know that are from Philly. Yeah, you know, I there's a lot of cool chicks from Philly to great chicks. Yeah, the women from Philly are cool. Yeah. So I wasn't going to be that fucking, you know, asshole. So anyway, so you guys beat us. And now you know the deal, you lose a big game like that you go on radio silence. I'm not going on fucking the internet. I mean, I kind of still have to because of the podcast, but I'm not going to watch ESPN. So I didn't get to see you guys. My favorite thing ever is is fucking grown men crying over sports. It's the funniest like that Eagles fan who called in when Carson Wentz went down. Did you hear that? I didn't see that one. He's like, what's it ever going to happen for us, man? And he was funny.

He's a sportscaster gets like freaked out. He's like, he's like, buddy, you're crying. He's like, well, we'll win it next year, man. Relax. So funny. Did you see the guy who was waiting at the fence when they won the Super Bowl and when they're landing just to watch? He was crying. He was like a 54 year old black dude just sobbing black guy. Yeah, just sobbing. He's just like, my whole fucking life, my whole fucking life. I've been waiting for this. And here's the thing. That Patriots got hurts way less now. They kind of got me. And that hurts way less now knowing that somebody an Eagles fan ended up being that fucking happy. Oh, come on, man, we fucking were drowning in rings over here. But here's the thing. Your first one, you know, you know,

at the game, I shut the fuck up, you know, people were losing it. I was at the game. No, and when I was everybody like, we were in the exact opposite end zone. And he like, kicked the field goal. And I remember I put my hands out like I was holding back the crowd on Beatlemania and my row because my brother and dad was like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. And it went through. And it just I was, I couldn't believe it when it went through. Then I saw the confetti and dude, all of a sudden next thing I knew I was on the ground. What just the whole section just tackled each other. Oh, that's fucking insane. That's fucking and then I was worried about my dad because I was there with my dad and he was like in his 60s at the time and he got up and he just he couldn't

fucking believe it. Right. And I looked over and there was one guy still standing up. Yeah. And he was just standing there. I looked over him. He was for some reason staring at me and he just had tears in his eye. And I eyes kind of locked. I had to like, oh, I had to like look away like, dude, what the fuck? And I remember walking out of the stadium, like just because I went to the one we when we lost to the Packers. So I know what that feeling feels like. And then when we won it, but that wasn't close though, that one, it was until the opening of the half. So to have to so I basically had faith through fucking 18 and a half games. So yeah, it was close. And then they kicked the fucking ball off and Tyrone leaves. No, no, no, no. Desmond Howard. Desmond Howard. I know I

know was the only kicker to win a fucking MVP in the Super Bowl. Kick return kick return. Yeah. So he ran the fucking thing back right at us. That's I might have been in the same end zone. I don't know. I both times I had I had upper deck and zone seats. So then when we won it, I was thinking like every time the Patriots go, I'm going at such a great experience. So the next time we played, I believe we were playing the Panthers. And I was going to go, but it was on Sunday, obviously. And then that Monday we were shooting the World Series of Dice sketch in the morning for a Chappelle show. Okay, so I couldn't go. And I went there. And that's the first time I met Charlie Murphy, rest his soul. And I remember being pissed that I was psyched. I had the acting

work, obviously psyched to be on the Chappelle show. But I was like, fuck, man, I really wanted to go to that game. But I remember when the game was over. Yeah. And I was in my apartment. We won. I was psyched. And I still had two grand in my pocket. I was like, Wait a minute. This is kind of fucking cool. So then I was just like, Yeah, I don't need to go. I saw the first one ever. Yeah. Why am I going to go there and use up a ticket somebody else could have? And like someday, you know, if I have a kid, now I have a kid. If she ever wants to go, I'll take her and I'll do that. But other than that, you know, I'm on the road all the time. Do you did you you obviously got the feeling I don't I don't know if I'd be like if I was at the Super Bowl, my buddies went

they lost they lost their minds, but they actually came back immediately and watched the game. Because they said they couldn't really believe it. Yeah, they could believe it one or two. They didn't really see what was going on. Well, you don't get the analysis and the breakdown and all of that. Let me ask you this when when Brady fumbles the ball and you guys recover, man, dude, what did you do, dude? But by the way, you thinking like, fuck, he's going to drive down the field. We're going to lose. No, no, no, no. I never this is just crazy. Normally, with all the Eagles teams, I'm like, ah, they don't got it. Right. That weird stomach feeling. Uh-huh. But this team, it was just this this year. And I sound destiny. They lost their fucking quarterback.

I'm getting misty. I thinking about it. But then I was like, it's not about Tom. It's about the Eagles. That's how I felt this year about this team. So I didn't like how you guys all ran out as a team and everyone's like, well, sure, you're going to win. It's like, we've been doing that. You stole our fucking thing. That was our thing. By the way, I think it's stupid. What? From the year you guys did it to now I think it's stupid. I loved the intros. I kind of miss it. It was like, I gotta tell you, dude, we went, we've gone, we've gone five and three doing it that way. We've been to eight of them. So you might want to keep doing that. You know what else was driving me nuts was Chris Collins with flick flipping out

about that trick play. It's like, don't we just ran that fucking play? But here's the thing. I saw, I saw that clip and you, uh, when you were calling, you said, oh, I wish Tom would have laid out. I wish he caught it. And the only reason because I want to get him, I wanted him to get hit. Oh, you did. Just, just to be honest with you, that guy, every fucking Super Bowl has driven us down for the win. Everyone, you know, and I actually looked at all the Super Bowls and I would say that we very easily could have been seven and one. And the one game we should have lost was the Seattle game. They should have just given it to Marshawn Lynch. Both Giants games we had. Brady Welker, boom, first down over, Asante Samuels intercepts the fucking ball to hit

some at both hands. We got that one, but that Asante Samuel, but this Eagles one I mind it. I was pretty fucking drunk by the end of it, by the end of the game. And I just, I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I never felt good about this. I'd never felt good about the team or the game going in. I said, I believe I said on my podcast, take the Eagles and the points on the points. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And I thought you guys, I thought you guys had an unbelievable defense. I'm like, these guys, this is like the fucking Giants. Dude, where was the defense in that game? It was like a fucking Pro Bowl. By the way, I watched the game four times afterwards, just to watch it. Only Tom could have done that against that defense. You know what's funny?

Only Tom, because I was watching some of those fucking passes and how, how he got out of the pocket. Only Tom could have done that well against that defense. Cause most, most line, most, I'll have to watch, I'll have to watch it again, because I didn't think you guys, dude, I thought both quarterbacks had like all day. I didn't think you really got to Brady. Fucking Nick Foles had all day. Tom got hit like 12 times, but your line was better than most. Yeah. Dude, we just didn't have a defense. I can tell you, I, I, I would never question our coaching staff or the mouth, but anytime we do that, I remember that time, Wes Welker, like made all the new, when, when, uh, uh, what's his face to find out? He had the foot fetish

Rex Ryan. So Welker does this whole interview, like sort of giving him a shake on, you know, Hey, we're just, uh, you know, you're playing the Jets, what he's like, yeah, we're going to, uh, put our best foot forward. And, uh, you know, yeah, it was funny. And then they kept them out for the first court. Anytime we do that, I don't know if we've probably done that other time, but they're just reminding me of that game. Be like, Oh, we're fucking with the chemistry here, but, but I'm a standup comedian, Kevin. I'm not a fucking offensive coordinator. So what are defensive coordinator? What do I know? But I, I watched that game four more times. Like I said, Oh, it's the best. I still have the fucking Seattle and the Atlantic. Still, still on my

fuck. I still have it. I bought and I got the thing never erased. And my wife's like, you're never going to watch. She's like, yeah, I am. You are. You are. You will. When you're bored or you want to get your fucking spirits up as she goes to bed early. Dude, I, I'm never going to watch this. I just taped the highlights of all 51 fun. There's like, there's five losses in there. Well, four losses. Now we got a fifth one. And I'm still going to watch those. No, it's, it's the best. By the way, I'm trying to supervolt 20. We were up three, nothing against the 46 defense. Tony Franklin speaking of feet is bare feet came out and kicked one. And I'm like, yeah, you know, I don't talk and all this shit. I'll do that. That was the most dominant defense

that I ever saw. Here's a good one. Super Bowl six. Super Bowl six is the Dallas Cowboys in the Miami Dolphins. What's interesting is the dolphins were Tom Landry and Don Shula, two legendary coaches. But when that game went down, they were both considered losers. And like one of them is finally going to get their monkey off the back. Dallas had the thing they could never win the big one. And they've only been around since 1960, but they lost the ice bowl up in Green Bay. I know, dude, I'm a fucking nerd. Yeah, I'm trying. And then the year before, they played the Colts, they got there again, and they fucking lost to the Colts in a really messy game. And then Don Shula, his big thing was he was what he was coaching the 69 Colts that lost

to the Jets, the first NFL team to lose to an AFL team was a major embarrassment. And that ended his career there. And then he went over to the Dolphins. Wasn't that the undefeated season? No, no, they went, they went three years in a row. One of I think two teams to ever go three years in a row and only one has ever gone four years in a row. And that's the bills. They lost to the Cowboys. And then the next year, they beat the, did they beat the Reds? Yeah, they beat the Redskins. That was the undefeated year. That was the year that they hadn't beat four. There was 14 to nothing. And they were lining up to kick a field. Well, this is how much the NFL has changed. It's like there's like two minutes left in the third quarter. And if, and if this thing goes through,

they're like, the gotten answers are going, this game's over. It's in the third quarter. Yeah. Cause no one's going to score that one. Cause dude, all they did was fucking run because they were like, greasy was four for four in the first quarter. That's funny. Do you know what's, I love, I love the fact that back then how much cocaine those guys did. Do you ever see that cocaine Cowboys and the one, isn't that a movie? It was a documentary and it was about, you know, the cocaine traffic, but what the cocaine in the Superbowl wasn't about cocaine trafficking, cocaine trafficking. Okay. They remember they were telling this story about the Steelers and the Dolphins and the FC championship game or Steelers and the Superbowl in Miami. That entire

old line went out the night before and the guy gave them all the coke they wanted up to like four and more. That's also a jailbird trying to get into a fucking documentary, right? No, no, he was the main guy. Well, here's the thing though. They also, like the medical industry, whatever you call them, said cocaine is no more addicting than coffee or caffeine. Yeah. So that's what they initially said. If you ever want to read an unbelievable book, read the Hollywood Henderson. He was basically the Lawrence Taylor before Lawrence Taylor and he got crazy on drugs. And the reason why Lawrence Taylor looks like he just fell out of the sky and no one ever played the game like that is because Hollywood Henderson

messed up his career so bad. But there's highlights of that guy. That guy was unbelievable. In fact, I believe Superbowl 10 1976 when he played when the Cowboys played the Steelers, they kicked the ball off and he's a linebacker. They had him return it and he ran it like 55 fucking yards. The only person who stopped him was Roy Gerella dove to knock him out of bounds and had his ribs exposed and Henderson's knees hit him in the ribs and it fucked him up and it caused Gerella is really interesting caused them to fuck up a couple of kicks. And so that was a big thing for the Cowboys, but they fucked up because when the second miss or something or the first or second miss, Cliff Harris from the Cowboys gets in Gerella Roy Gerella's face going like,

ah, you fucked up, buddy. And Jack Lambert was on the field and just picked fucking Cliff Harris up like a ragdoll and threw him onto the ground like basically, that's amazing. Yeah, and didn't get a penalty. There's another thing too when you watch those old highlight that back there. Hey, knock it off, fellas. Yeah, they don't give a fuck. Yeah, they weren't helmets. They bought it Sears Brian Dawkins is videos of him suplexing guys. Well, here's the thing, the Cowboys had that fucking game one, they in the first half, they call all these trick plays, they were loose, they were throwing the ball doing all that. They got in the second half, they played fucking Marty ball. And I'm telling you, man, no fucking sport fucks you more when you play not to lose

than football. I don't know what it is. That's just the Falcons are doing. Yeah, granted Tom played fucking lights out, but you know, dude, that's a that's a colossal. It's a collapse. It's a collapse. I mean, you know more about football history. I'm more recent, but I don't know shit about football. I've just watched a lot of video on it. Like I watched Super Bowl highlights the way Tom Brady actually watched his game. By the way, I don't want it. Here's the thing. I like Carson Wentz and you must love Tom Brady. I don't want to see their personal life. I don't I could give it. No, I'm not built that way. I don't like pre or post game analysis. Yeah, I don't like any of that shit. I don't want I don't want to talk about the game. No, no, but I don't want a human

moment. I don't this is how fucking I don't want to see him as human. I just want to see him as athletes is that they I think they're entitled to their privacy. I think that you should be able to go out as an NFL quarterback. And if you want to go out and do some blow and in a in a in a titty bar, yeah, here's what I can't stand about fucking people today with their phones. If they saw the local quarterback doing blow in a titty bar, rather than thinking, well, shit, I'm here too. You know what I mean? No, I will literally film the fucking guys. Oh, my God, I can't believe there's a starting quarterback. It's like, what do you do? Yeah, you work with heavy machinery. Yeah, what the fuck do you do? You're fucking you're in the titty bar too. And that's like the whole

like just let somebody go out. Have a good fucking time. Shut the fuck up. It's just like everybody telling on everybody just the just so fucking mad being Jimmy John's managers and shit. It's just like the guy you can be a Jimmy John's manager and you can have a hell of a fucking exactly that you could tell a week you could have a fucking weekend that would make Tom Brady be like get the fuck out of here. Well, Tom doesn't do that. Tom's not doing that. He's not going out and getting fucking nuts. No, I'm not saying he is. I'm saying he should be able to. I second you said that all I thought about was Ken Stabler. I heard this great story. He used to play for the Oakland Raiders before that horrific trade where they got Dan Pasterini and they switched them both

and he became an oiler and finished up at the Saints, I believe. And he was full of stats today. Yeah, yeah, no, I that's all I did was look at football cars back then. So his coach was giving him shit one time because he went out boozing the night before. Yeah. He's just like, I went to fucking going out out partying the night before you have a game. He just goes coach. He goes, how many hours sleep you need to go play a couple hours football? That's also and there's nothing to say. That's like, you're right. You're right. No, those guys used to go out there and they would just fucking sling it like I don't know. So anyways, real great. How far into this are we half hour fuck at some point, I got to read some advertising. So when they finally fucking

win it, are you with the other Eagle fans? Are you crying? Are you attacking people? You went stunned silence by yourself. No, where'd you watch the game? Do you remember that casino we played in San Diego? We flew in the helicopter north? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you were there? So we were there. The girl I'm dating, the girl I'm seeing the lady friend, she's like, I know you're not going to want to be around anyone. So I'll get your hotel. So she got us a hotel. And then she's like, I want to sit by the pool. So rent us the cabana with the TV. It was fucking awesome. We had a whole entire cabana just to ourselves. I don't put any pressure on the relationship, but you got to marry that girl. I couldn't believe it. She goes, she's a Steelers

fan. She loves football too. But she goes, I get it. She goes, this is your fucking day. Dude, she's understand. I know I could how many times you said to a woman, I get it and you were right and you made their day. No, I'm telling you what she when I said to her, I find a woman that gets it. And I totally said to her, I go, you can totally buy my love. I'm all I'm all for it. So I never daydream classic guy. She does something great. I have to say it was something sweet. And then you made it. So I hookerish maybe a little bit, a little bit. So I, I don't ever daydream. That's one of the reasons why the Rose Bowl thing is out the window because I, I'll get you see me when I'm drunk. Do you think that's why you've never been?

What do you mean? Because the reason they're actually, I'm going to come clean. Okay, we've never had you there. Well, the first couple of years. No, you've never been there. No, no, I'm saying the first couple of years, you say, hey, come, I said, I don't think I got to know you better. Yeah, I told you. And then we had a talk, me and Barton, and we're like, no, listen, we love Shea. But the year we bring Shea is the year we get kicked out in the first quarter. And I, and I admit, I told you guys that I even told Barton, I go Barton it. If you, if I come and I'm started drinking at 10, oh, it's done 10. So we say seven, we get there when it starts. How the fuck do you even go to the game? I'm

always blown away. I literally drink, pass out, wake up with a hangover and recover before the game even starts. I still can't believe it's Sunday. That's amazing. I always fall asleep when when lie had lied, always make some fucking insane, like, for the main course, I never make it to the main course. I always wake up, I always wake up, it's already over. I mean, one year I was so shitfaced, I actually had the afternoon of cigar first. And then all of a sudden he brought over like a pork shoulder. And I was smoking a cigar shit. I eat pork shoulder with my hands. And occasionally I would look up and see families walking by with children. Oh my God, I was just like, wow, man, I remember going to Sullivan Stadium back in the day and seeing guys like me.

That's amazing. Oh, real quick. So I got wasted. And by yourself, what are you drinking? James and soda all the time. James and soda and she's, are you pacing the room? The bed's still made, right? Oh, no, no, I'm pacing the cabana. Oh, the cabana. That's right. The cabana with no shirt, just shorts, no shoes, a hat, and just a drink in my left hand. And then there's other cabana next to us was all Patriots fans. They're all like big white dudes. Oh God, but they were, they were great. They were like nice guys because I became the loud one, obviously. I became nuts. So there's one guy who was like this big fat white dude with a beard. Every time he walked by the table, go pass, I go, I clean his beak. I was just so like angry. I'm like, so at the end of it.

Well, he's being a cunt. Yeah, I know he's being a cunt, but he actually came out big fat white cunt. Yeah, exactly. But he came over and he was really cool. He shook my hand and congratulated me. But by the end of the game, dude, I lost it. I started flipping over the lounge chairs. Oh God, why? Because I was just fucking excited. That's, that's how I get. So I just started flipping over the lounge chairs. Do you think, do you think that that Eagles fans are really that bad or the rep was there? So now they just try to find the guy eating horseshit. You got to admit horseshit's pretty big. It's all fucking sports fans are bad. That whole like Eagles fans are pedestrian compared to out here. Yeah, like Oakley fans. Dude, you can get killed out here.

A guy got killed at a Dodgers game. Dude, a guy, they'll throw full beers at you. They'll dump one over your head. You want to get into a fist fight. They'll do that. They'll eat farm animal shit evidently stabbed at a Raiders preseason game like Raiders 49ers cares. And I'm so sick of the fucking snowballs, Santa. Who gives a fuck? You know, I was making fun of any time you guys are in a big game, like the big, the big cheesy thing. Whenever Boston is in a big game, what they talk about is they'll talk about, you know, they'll show like fucking the Paul Revere statue or something in North and all this shit that nobody from Boston ever went to unless you went on some field trip that you probably psyched as a kid because you didn't have to go to school, the

freedom trail and the foliage and fucking some lobster fisherman tying a sailor's knot. I don't even know what I don't even know what they do. You guys, it's always Oh, God, you know what it is. What is it? Rocky statue, Philly cheesesteaks, snowballs, Santa. I'm like, did you just say Pennsylvania is a fucking dumb move? Next time I go to Philly, next time I go to Philly, I'm going to go to one of those fucking cheesesteak places. I'm going to say this. Hello. I would like a Philadelphia cream, Philadelphia cheesesteak sandwich with peppers and onions and provolone cheese, please. I'm so sick of them telling me how to give me a whiz, whiz. I'm not saying that. It's so stupid. I have legal tender. Make me a fucking sandwich. It's the only city that's

like that. Oh, in Boston, you want some clam chowry. You got to go so stupid. I'm like, I don't I love Philly cheesesteaks. I'm from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. I love but I don't love them enough to say this is what I'm about. I'm not a fucking hokey. Can I tell you something, dude? Oh, God, I hate clam chowder. Clam chowder tastes like it was in, you know what it tastes like? No, it isn't. You know what it is? It's that shit that cows chew when they're in between their three stomachs and they just yak and a bowl. That's what the fuck it tastes like. You took it to another level. I like clam chowder. Fish cheesesteak to me still seems like it'd be clear. Or else every part of the ocean would be foggy. Their eggs are clear. They got clear cheese. I like clam chowder

and I don't even like milky shit. I'm like lactose intolerant. I like clam chowder. But it's not a big deal. Like Philly cheesesteaks, it's just so fucking nuts and they show it cooking like they're cooking it every football game. It's a really poor cut of meat. I really like cheesesteaks but I just hate that whole fucking thing. You got to say it this way. I know. I haven't played Philly in so fucking long. I've never eaten at any of those places. Oh, all right. Yeah, I stay away from it. Oh, I got it. I got to tell you something. I had a fucking, you know, I got this old truck so I listened to fucking AM radio. So it's just either sports talk, somebody speaking some sort of Korean or like political shit, right? Right wing stuff. So I'm listening to the sports talk

and they were talking about that whatever that fuck whatever our coordinator's name is. Josh or some shit he interviewed Daniels. Yeah, he interviewed for the Colts job. All of that all of that shit. And then he walks away the last second and then they're talking about it. And this one guy's going like, look, you know, there's nothing, not an illegal bar. I don't like the way it went down with blah, blah, blah. And this other guy on the show, he goes, this is just indicative of the Patriots once again, bending the rules. It's like, you've got to be shitting me. It's like the level that people didn't pay attention to deflate gate. It's like what that guy did to us. If that's all we do back to him, let's just say that was a conspiracy. Yeah. Okay, Josh,

you're going to go in there and even though we're preparing for the Super Bowl, fuck all of that. We're going to have this big conspiracy. We're going to just waste their fucking time. If that's all we did to them, he got off easy. He cost us a million dollars and two draft picks over some bullshit. You guys deserve that. Why? I'm fucking with you. Yeah. All right. But here's the thing. I was hoping you had a point that could actually become the piece. My favorite thing with cherry on top of that story, the cherry on top of that story is not that the fucking idiot found deflated balls on the cold side too. It's that the fucking guy in the Colts that caught the ball, the initial one that started all that bullshit allegedly. Listen to this. Yeah. That guy, you

know what he did the next year, the two years within that he tested positive for steroids. Where was the ESPN there? You still are mad. You won the Super Bowl that year. Like that. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. No, he didn't. He did. Because the one he got, the one he got, he doesn't even remember. We did for four years. We talked about the suspension or the flaked it happened. And then and then the next year, like he got fucking suspended, then they went to court, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then they got a fan. Then he got fucking suspended. It got laughed out of court. The judge was mad. You're wasting a fucking time. Then the NFL was blood hurt that we beat them. And then they fucking come back and they go, All right, is the NFL

Corporation? Yes, it's Tom Brady employee of does a corporation right to suspended employee. That's how they suspended. They found a loophole. Then he got suspended. All right, three years of shit. Fair enough. But we wasted fucking a week of that guy's life and fucked them over the season. Fuck that guy. All right, fair enough. I don't like that. I don't like the Colts. I agree with you. But you got a super I don't mind fans. Well, fans, I don't really do we want to work. We would have got the fucking Super Bowl anyways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We know we did do. No, no, no, you know what? No, you know what? And then the 49ers went ahead to spend all that money on a guy who's played five games. Oh, Garoppolo. Jesus Christ. That what are they doing? It's gonna

be good. You know, he's gonna be good. Garoppolo. Okay, he looks like he's gonna be good. Dude, this Ben's I'm not saying he's not going to be good. But dude, that guy's making more money than like Aaron Rogers. I do disagree with you. Tom Brady would not have played as well if he gets suspended those first four games two years ago. I listen, I will say this, I liked a 39, four year old guy getting four games off. I like that. But I don't think it added anymore. He's like psycho driven. Anyways, my only thing about him is I don't want him to go out like Brett Farve. I don't because this whole fucking thing Tom versus time, if he plays these 45, you know, as long as he's still competitive, I just don't want to see him like on the Rams like Joe Namath,

fucking Johnny Unite is wearing a fucking Chargers uniform. He's too proud. He's too proud. He won't I hope he doesn't do that. Why the fuck is he doing this weird reality show? I don't get it. What is it? I'm not going to pay attention to him. But that makes me fucking nervous because he never did shit. I mean, Peyton Manning did like 400 commercials a year. I thought that helped us. Well, yeah, because Peyton is kind of like the every guy, like he comes off like a dumb farmer. I mean, people like that in the fucking Midwest. I fucking hate. I can't. I don't like the Colts in general. I don't have to beat the Chargers. That's what I would have sunk. Somebody asked me today like, Hey, you know, where does where does it's this is just gonna be all football talk? Where

does where does, you know, Tom Brady having the greatest coach of all time in the in the Brady versus Peyton Manning argument? And that's a fair point. But I be honest with you, I actually liked Eli. I would rather have had Eli in January. Yeah, Eli's a better playoff quarterback than Eli. His brother can stink in September, October. But then when, you know, you need him to turn it on, he turns it on. Dan Marino, wouldn't you say Peyton Manning's the greatest regular season quarterback of all time? First of all, Dan Marino gets an unbelievable bad rap. Okay, Peyton Manning was part of a three headed fucking monster. Already won that Super Bowl. No, just like Edger and James and what's his face there wide

receiver just forgot his fucking name. Marvin, Marvin Harrison. I never had his football card, so I'll never remember. All right, shot two people. No, he didn't. He allegedly allegedly allegedly. Well, maybe they maybe they ate his horse shit. He was upset. They fucking Dan Marino had no running game and no defense. His entire career. What was he supposed to do? I'll tell you about Tom Brady would not have won a fucking Super Bowl with with fucking and Don Shula. Everybody stole all those tricks by the time that do Dan Marino would have thrown easily for 6000 yards in today's NFL. Yeah, well today's NFL. Do you like it? No, no, I'm I don't like it. They went too far. And what I'm liking about watching these first Super Bowls is I like more

the running. I like the deep defenses had nicknames and stuff. It was it was a meaner game. And it was a more strategic game. And to Paul verse, he said the funniest fucking shit about that Eagles Patriots Super Bowl. He's like, dude, he goes, that's the kind that's the kind of game your girlfriend likes. Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean, like if soccer had that much scoring, I'd be like, dude, that was a great fucking game. And then all those English guys would be like, well, I made it fucking, but they would be able to break down the game as to why everyone keeps telling me what a great game. Congratulations. I'm happy because the Eagles won. I'm happy. But it wasn't a great it was a shit show. It wasn't a great game. It was no

fucking defense. And I said it was viewer friendly. Yeah, but and I have to be honest with you, that is all those rule changes. I always blame Jim Erase because I'm a cunt. But it's all of them. It's because they're trying to expand the game. And you know that they've done studies and you know that offense sells the game. That's why I think MLB looked the other way when everyone was all roided up and they actually act surprised all the owners get to act surprised. Like, oh, we had no fucking idea. Really? Like we don't know the comic set of partying. Yeah, the MLB doesn't paint a guy a zillion dollars a fucking year. You don't know what he's doing. But it's like NBA like that game was fucked that when they had the strike and they didn't have the

World Series and all of that shit. They needed something to come back. By the way, that was a fucking awesome year, though. It was like fucking it was fucking amazing. I remember watching in college, every lunch, every year in the cafeteria, we'd watch the fucking highlights like who I went to. I never I went to the game when Mark McGuire hit his 27th or 28th home run. It was down in San Diego when they're still playing in Qualcomm Stadium. I went there with this Boston Comic Dan Smith and we were sat in the upper deck and went fucking McGuire to the place was packed for his for his when he would take batting practice and the whole place he came up to the plate for batting practice, standing ovation. It was like three quarters full for batting practice. Everybody's

going, that's the funniest shit ever. The first pitch in he laid down a bun and everybody booed and then he laughed and everybody laughed because it was kind of a cool way to get rid of the stress here. Let me uh and I gotta read a couple of uh advertisements here uh and then I want to talk about what's going on with mailboxes. What? All right, I'm gonna talk to you about it. All right, The Black Tux, everybody. Kevin, this is The Black Tux. The Black Tux. Like The Ohio State, you heard of that? The Greg Wilson. The Greg Wilson. I love the Greg Wilson. Greg's a nut bag. Yeah, he's the best. Uh, everyone wants

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I don't have a printer. Then you use. You don't have a printer. I don't have a printer. All right. You know, you went negative on all the ads. No, I like them all. You're not getting to talk. You don't need a home security system and every day you don't mail shit. Do you mail shit? I don't mail shit. I return. The only time I ever mail shit, I have to return a fucking. How do you pay bills online? You pay online. Yeah. And do you use like your banking online? Yeah. Do you not do that? No. Do you do not fucking mail checks all the time? You're fucking with me. No. Do you know, do you so you need so wait, hold on. I'm one of the last ones because what I was going to say is no fucking just starting to get rid of mailboxes.

They're starting to weld them shut. You go up to one you're like, Oh, good. And then you can't get it in there. What? Yeah. They're going away. Like remember those those those phone booths the big red phone booths that they had in England? Yes. And now for some reason they sold all of them over here because we're weird. And we want to so they turn those into new mailboxes. I think I think a bunch of people in England are going to buy our old post office boxes and so much stick them in their man caves. So I'm just bought the LA Times. So how the fuck are we going to get the LA Times? If there's mailboxes don't work. Don't you have a paper boy? Oh, there's no paper boys. I do see I see Mexican moms driving their kids around in the mornings when I went in the

mornings and they fill their fucking paper and God bless them. My dad used to do this with us. That's why I have the work ethic. I had a I had a paper from third grade till the point it got weird. Yeah, my voice was starting to change. I couldn't walk away from the money. All my friends were always broke. I did add no overhead football cards and candy with my biggest fucking expenses. That was it. I wish life be great if we could just I used to ride my bike up to the bowling alley go bowling. I paid for the whole fucking thing. No. Yeah. Never had to go to my parents hanging and a kilo me a couple of bucks. Man, never had to do that. I was fucking independent. Where you going, Bill? Going on a bike ride. All right, get the fuck out of here. They didn't

give a shit. We were bowling and you were but you were exhausted at school. Guarantee I wasn't. You were up at like four in the morning. I wrote a bike. I didn't go boozing. Plus I was a kid. My but my body was brand new. All right. Premier League football. People write in they ask questions and all this shit. All right. Oh, nice. I like this. Premier League football. Premier League. If I swear to God, the level of excitement like whenever I put these games on every time when I watch them, like, you know, they love it. I can get into it. And then it's always it's always like nighttime and shit. No, it makes you want to booze. You wish it was cold.

You stuck on. I gotta buy a scarf. I gotta start singing some song. I hate to be the cliche American, but I don't. I don't like it. I don't get soccer. Sir William of albinoville. That's actually pretty. That's a great one. They usually just go, Hey, Billy red tidd, say you freckled cunt. You know, it's usual. I like that sir. Albinoville. That's almost begging for a picture. I think I got to dress up in a legal way. I got to make sure we wrap this up because I'm going to go see Todd Rex's Rex. Yep. And he sold out both of his shows oversold them. So thank you to everybody listened to Todd on this show and bought a ticket. All right, there is only one team you can support

in the English Premier League. And that is Liverpool. I'm just going to pause and wait for everybody in England. Listen, oh, fuck you fucking cunts beetle man. It is deeply working class with a long Irish history. All right, I'm in the city itself doesn't consider itself English, but a separate entity from the rest of the country. Oh, grow the fuck up. What are you the south? You're going to secede from the union. Liverpool football club is currently owned by Fenway Sports Group. Oh, that's the Red Sox. Is it? Yeah, up until recently, we were the most successful team in England, but a baron spell due to tragedy and mismanagement finally seems to be coming to an end, much like the Red Sox during their winless run. So what a fuck do I want to jump on the

bandwagon? No, we have the most exciting attacking line in the league, possibly Europe. Our manager is an utter lunatic, a very rich history. Okay, I'm kind of in right now. Not all of it is good, including 18 league titles and five European Cups. The best team in the whole of Europe is the European Cup. We've been targeted by the press, the media and even the government. Oh, this is like the Patriots. What is he? I'm a fucking Liverpool fan. This isn't a franchise bill. Once you pick your team or once your team picks you, that's it for life. No changing, no moving cities through good and bad. Up the Reds, Billy boy. Hey, I don't switch teams. Don't even fucking suggest that I do that. You're fucking cunt. But yeah, I was going to pick Liverpool just because I like the Beatles.

Who's just trying to get you to switch to Liverpool? My favorite Beatles song of all time. He didn't hear me. All right, views. Do you get into soccer at all? A little bit. World Cup. World Cup's kind of fun, except that one year, that one year in Africa when they had those fucking horns. What were those things? I don't know. I didn't watch much of that. That instrument is like a kazoo fucked a bagpipe. And Yoko Ono played it. All right, views on public speaking fees. Hey, Bill, longtime fan and listener. And I always enjoy your point of view on things. Look at that. He just

went straight ahead. Yeah, there you go. Anyways, was listening to the most recent Money Morning podcast and I was surprised to hear your point of view on speaking fees considering that you are in essence a public speaker. I guess that you have some understanding how much more money this is relative to other named acts. I would be curious to see how much money other famous people get to talk if you knew those without naming names. Apparently, Obama gets 400 grand per speech. No, I'm not a public speaker. I'm a comedian. Yeah. I mean, at that point, like somebody going like, you know, extra extra read all about it. I don't like the ones that I don't like motivational speakers. Yeah, that there's a reason that someone's called a public

speaker. What do you mean? Why? Because they're boring and they're not funny. You're called a comedian. You're actually entertaining. It's like Ted Talk. Yeah. No, my problem that I had with these guys say like Obama, where everybody's looking at this guy like he's a fucking saint. Yeah, is he's doing what all of these guys do. They all go into public office. They say they're there for the people. And by the by the end of his like administration, he was already worth $80 million when he was making like 4500 grand a year. But you got to make some I mean, everyone wants to make money. No, yeah, but I mean, they should give the president fuck you money. I'm not upset that he's making it's the fact that I don't have the money to be like, hey, Obama, hey, Trump,

when you get an office, make sure the comedy club always has fresh calamari his fucking 10 million bucks. You know what I mean? Yeah, like they do. Except they do it on a fucking global level. Is he asking how much performers get paid? I don't know what he's I don't know what the fuck he's asking on the flip side. Should we even care how much money they get after they're out of office? Sir, yes, all you have to do. How does the president get into office? How does he afford to get into office? He needs people to make campaign donations. All right. And when these fucking rich people make the donations, and then after after that done, and he does everything that they want to, then they go on the tour, that's them washing their bribe money. Yeah.

Hey, I'm going to give you a four in a grand to give an hour long speech. Yeah, the whole this whole system is rigged. Yeah, it's it's it's so fucking out. That's what it is. I'm not I'm not upset this guy. I'm not upset that anyone can go out and make money. It's just the fact that you got these guys, they need $100 million to get a job that pays for 500 grand a year. And before the G they're making 500 grand a year by the end of it, they are they're already worth like 80 million bucks. Like how the fuck did that happen? How does that happen? How does that happen? Someone should get to the bottom up. How the fuck does that happen? Because it's all fucking corrupt. That's my problem, sir. And I think that the the only true like really decent,

like truly public servant that I've seen as a as a president in my lifetime was Jimmy Carter. I'm not saying he didn't go out and do public speeches. I didn't even look up to that. But the guy has spent his fucking his golden years where he could just be sitting there painting like fucking George Bush, you know, he could be out there tagging broads like Clinton. He's he's fucking building homes for the home isn't he shaking hands on an airplane too? He's a fucking great dude. Is that the guy? Yeah. Yeah, you know what's funny? You know what's funny? He was the most human he most humane guy I've seen. And he was considered to be an absolute pussy. But we know that's the truth. That's how it works. You can't be nice and not be considered a pussy.

No, you can be you can be you can be a decent you can be decent. The thing about it is, is he was nice enough when that whole fucking Iran shit with the hostages went down. He settled that without getting dragged into a war. So he's considered a pussy because big business could have gone in there and made that money. You know, yeah, that's kind of not have to wait for another event to go in there and try to get a bunch of fucking oil. Yeah. All right, cheating with a boyfriend. I like these. I like these. Here we go. Hey, Billy Burr, it's cold. So we fuck. No, no, no, that's making fun of my last thing. Oh, okay. That takes me back to like grade school. All right, I'm a female. I got a lady right in it. By the way, dude, you're a fucking great guest, man. And you're a fucking great

comedian. Kevin, you gotta see Kevin Shea and listen to the old fuck. Don't wait, wait, wait, wait. All's I'm saying. All I'm saying. Oh, no, no, no, that's pretty good. All I'm saying. And what are you performing next? Oh, I'm at the Ice House Tuesday. Give me a fucking paid gig, man. Oh, shit. West Palm Beach this weekend. But that's I'm with Ken Jeong. Ken Jeong. All right, the guy from Hangover. There you go. There you go. The improv. Yeah, West Palm Beach, improv improv. There you go. They go to Kevin Shea.com. Go to Kevin Shea.tv some fucking white guy in upper upstate New York has Kevin Shea. Kevin Shea.tv. Yes, and go down check him out. He's fucking hilarious. All right. Bill, I'm a female. The story isn't about me. It's about my friend.

That's a lie. I know my friend wants to fuck around on her husband. We're in our early 20s and have been friends since high school. We've always been there for each other. And even though our friendship has been long, it has been long distance since then. However, now we have a slight problem. She's been dating a guy for a year, and they've been butting heads lately. One night she got high with her roommate who's a guy and they started to kiss and then of course one thing led to another. Apparently her roommate has been having feelings for her for a long time and wants to be in a relationship with her instead of just banging her. She broke up with her boyfriend using their conflicts as the reason instead of saying she cheated. We've all done that. Yeah,

we lie. All three of them have been have a bunch of mutual friends. So she wants to lay low on the fact that she cheated. She also wants to give her now ex boyfriend time to heal before he finds out. She's dating a roommate. This is called being a class act. Why bring extra hurt, right? Yeah, but why not? I mean, at this point, if she's feeling guilty, just fucking say it. That's easy to say at our age. But when you're young, when you're young, yeah, okay, when you're younger, you don't know how to do it. She doesn't even have to she doesn't even know that it's obviously her. Let's keep going. I keep trying to tell her that it would be better to come clean about what she's done now than to wait it out. I know whatever their whatever their gender. I know people

know whatever their gender have the ability to cheat growing up. I've seen how being cheating on has affected people around me, including myself. I never thought that she would be the person to cheat. So my question is, I hate people cheat whatever and then like now she's judging her. So my question is how can I get it through her head? And she needs to handle this situation better, but also be a good friend to her at the same time. If he is there and has any advice, it would be great. Thanks to go fucking just fuck yourself. Second date problem. Oh, this is a different one. You know, I think you need to butt out. Yeah, what Okay, if we if we actually think this isn't about her, which I don't, I think it's about her and someone's saying that to her. Yeah,

yeah. So if it's if it's you if this is actually I don't think she would have worded it that way. I believe it. Okay, if we believe it, it says none of your fucking business. You know, people make mistakes. We're all human. You're in. So if she if you're a good, this is the actual if you're a real fucking friend, you wouldn't judge her. Can I tell you something? Yeah. What once you get past the pain, she did you a favor. Yeah, because, you know, you weren't married, didn't have any fucking kids. You didn't have a house together and all that. So who gives a fucking then she you know, they were already butting heads. They weren't getting along with the end. Like it and there were 22 that it's already over relationship and you go fuck somebody. I mean, it's not girls.

You know what? That's like an empty net goal. You know what I mean? I'll applaud it. But I mean, you know, you didn't fake out a goal. It's garbage time. They got all the starters on the bench. It's garbage time. It's garbage time fucking. I you know what you have you ever that's how I've done it. I've done it. I found out later that she did me. I got mad. I was just like, it gives a fuck. It was over. It was over. It's more than not whatever time you're in a relationship is it was over a half like you're in four years. It's been done for two years. That makes sense. Relate. I would say a year and a half year and a half breakups just don't happen overnight. You don't wake up like you know, I'm fucking out of here. You draw it out. You start to get distance.

You start fucking there should be a fucking course in how to break up in high school. In high school, they should teach young people how to do it. It would be so much better, I think, just so you don't fucking drag something along or you don't get dragged along. All you had to do is you just got to sit down. I remember one time I had to get out of a relationship and I remember Steve Byrne had just got out of one. This was like fucking years ago, 20, 25 years ago, right? And not 25, like 20 years ago. And I literally asked him, I was like, what did you say? He goes, I just sat down and said, I just said, I'm not happy. That's what he started with. And I've given that advice on here because I used that I never told him that I just

fucking used it. I don't I don't like that. We need to I'm just not like, yeah, I just, you know, it's just not working. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. Yeah. And this is the thing. This is the thing. You have to get it all out. Yeah. And I think we should break up and you got it. Like, I think you just go boom, boom, it's like monkey bars, boom, boom, boom, get across it. And then you say we gotta break up. She's gonna drag you through it like 50 fucking times. It's like lying to the cops. You just stick to your fucking story. Yeah, it's but that whole I'm not happy. I've heard it and I've said it. It usually drags out for seven more months. No, it does. No, but that's you. It's no, we're not happy. It's not working out. We need to break up.

You know, I want to break up. What the fuck? It's done. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. But it never works that way. Usually the other person's like, no, we can work this out. Then that's when you have to go Al Madrigal. Listen, if you're living together, yeah, if you're living together, it's hard, then it's hard. But if you're not living together, you have to go Al Madrigal. What now and now? I'll never told you that. No, I want to know. Dude, Al had a breakup one time. The chick had some shit at his house. He knew he was going to break up with her before he broke out. He said he told her, Hey, I'm going to come over tonight. I think we need to talk about some things. So she's like, Oh, okay. He fucking got a box, packed all her shit up. That was at

his apartment, walked over, set the box down and said, we got to break up. It's not working. It was fucking clean. Yeah, over. That's that's easy for Al because Al's a fucking maniac. Like he does he when he has learned from maniacs. No, I love maniacs. I'm kind of a maniac. I am kind of a maniac. I'm a psycho. Well, when it comes to breaking up, they've never been good. No, never good. That's why you got to get through it. If you live with them, it's harder. If you don't live with them, it's easy. And that's why people fucking hang in and then they start cheating and they're doing all of this fucking shit because they're basically mentally broken up. So that woman there, essentially didn't even like, as far as like, and on an emotional level, didn't fucking on a physical

level, she cheated, but an emotional level, she didn't because she already fucking broke up with the guy. She was done. Yeah, I find that when women are done, they're done. His one his his one when you know, the other person was already fucking other people. Okay, when you someone breaks up with you and they're not even crying. Like that means they already cried it out with their fucking friends. They got no tears left. And it's just like, wow, man, this how long is this shit? Yeah, you know, I've never cried at a breakup. I can't and they guys don't cry. They get all the girl, all my ex girlfriend, all my ex girlfriends, ex boyfriend, they're like, they cry, they cry. I was like, because they're fucking I was gonna say the other word. So I'm glad I did

it. But this is how I know. This is how I know when it's done, when they don't kiss you goodbye in the morning. Like, because I don't get up for work. This is how I know it's done. Yeah, when when they're mad at you and you don't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, yeah. And then they come in and they start doing the cold shoulder. Yeah, you're like, and they're not fucking you. It's just like, and you're like, good, good. You're right. You're right. Because then you start getting more productive. Because you got so much mental time. Oh, there's nothing worse than getting dumped. But if you're the one breaking up with some dude, I've been on both sides. I've broken hearts have had my heart broken. It's brutal. It's brutal. I think that's why I'm so numb to it all

now. Yeah, just fucking numb. Oh, no, I already know if my marriage never worked out, I would never get married again. And I would just give my wife fucking everything. And then I would just go I'll go live in a fucking trailer. My buddy, I'm not doing it again. I'm not getting on the fucking ride again. Yeah, that's it. Now just fucking wherever she lives, I'll just drive the trailer down the street so I can still see my kid. You can send in one of those AirPods. You ever see those things? I would get a fucking I buy one of those VW buses. No, I get a studio. I get all the sports packages. That'd be it. I don't electronic drum kit. I just go back to what the fuck I had. I'm actually shocked that you got married to be honest with you. Best thing I ever did.

Money is great, but it's weird. I don't know. I don't know if I'm ever yet married to be honest. It's like I want to get married, but I don't know if I'm too. You'll do it when you're ready. Yeah, 42. I wasn't married. I got married at 45. I got three more years. I mean, it's great. And then all of a sudden I'm like five years in, I'm already going to turn 50. What the fuck am I going? Actually, where am I going? What am I going to go back to the club? Hey ladies, you're looking for a bald redhead? Oh God, it's so sad. I see comics like that. I don't want to mention any names, but when you see them. Oh, believe me, dude, that was a motivation. I'm not going to be the cliche. Yeah, it's so fucking sad. I was like,

oh God, I don't. Oh, it's so sad. I don't like dating. I can't tell you. I haven't dated since I started doing stand-up, really, if that makes any sense. I meet girls and then we just start hanging out and then I send in a picking them. That sounds weird. You start what? We start hanging out and then I just picked them. I was like, oh, this is the one I'm going to hang out with this one for a while. Do they know that's what you're doing? I don't know if they do. Yeah, you need to just, listen, the best thing I have fucking learned is you just got to fucking say what you're thinking. Yeah, yeah, you know, that's one of the reasons most of the women that I date like me because I pretty much say what I'm thinking. That's all. How happy would you be if a woman did that?

It'd be fucking amazing. I'm not saying like, hey, you look ugly today. I'm not saying that, but I mean, like, you know, don't be mean, but like, just say, dude, I'm on one time, watershed moment, my relationship was, Mia had one of her friends was having a fucking birthday party, right? The same night, the Celtics and Lakers were playing like game six of the NBA finals. Okay, she's like, what are you doing Tuesday? All right, she doesn't talk like that. That's just how it sounds in my head. So she's like, what are you doing Tuesday? So I'm like, I'm watching the game. She's like, does the pouty face, you know, manipulation starts sexy voice and then the pout, right? So she's already tried to fucking tactics.

And not only is a friend having a birthday party, it's like some fucking 1920s themed birthday party. So I have to buy a fucking costume like a flapper. Yeah, I get addressed like I'm in the purple gang or some shit, right? So she goes, do you want to go? And I just, I said, no. I like that. I like that. Yeah. What do you mean? No. She goes, why not? I go, that sounds horrific. She goes, she laughs. She goes, what do you mean? She goes, she's a friend to you as I go, no, she isn't. I go, she's your friend. I've become friendly with her because you know her. Yeah, but she's not my friend. I was sick this week. She didn't know she didn't call. She's not my friend. I just kept I just kept saying no. And the more I said no, the more

she thought it was funny. She got frustrated and then she just started laughing. I go, I'm not going fucking down there dressed like Charlie Chaplin. I want to watch this game. I don't want to fucking do this. So then she was, she goes, can't you just she goes, well, what time does the game start? I go, you're such a asshole. So now I got to go to this fucking party and then raise back. So then I just made a compromise. I said, all right, the game fucking starts. Are you wet? Whatever. I said, here's the deal. I go, I will drive you there. I will make an appearance. I'm not dressing up and I'm leaving with plenty of fucking time to get back. Yeah. So the before the game starts. Yeah. All right. And I don't want to hear you go, really? I don't want to hear that. Once again,

that's not how she sounds. That's how she sounds when she says shit like that. So she said fine. So I fucking show up. I dropped this thing off and I show up and there's all these fucking guys there dressed like fucking Charlie Chaplin and Al Capone and shit. And I come walking in with like a fucking Celtic shirt on dressed all regular. They're just like, Hey, you didn't dress up. I said, no, no, I'm getting out of here in like 10 minutes. And they go, where you going? I go, I'm going to watch the Celtics game and it's the finals. That's fucking hilarious. And I remember the look on their faces. And I was thinking, yeah, I felt awesome. I bet they were so jealous. Dude, you know what? I do. I've you know, how many times have been the guy in the fucking

Chaplin outfit? You know, I've always been pretty hard about saying no. Like I'll just say no. I mean, but then I'm pretty good about compromise, though, if they want to do something important to them. So as long as I get to do what I want. And then if they have something, I know, I have a bunch of compromises. I have the okay, but you're driving and I'm drinking. I'm going to brunch if you drive and I can drink. That's the thing. You know, that is the I still don't I still don't I don't do brunch. Yeah, that's the one thing I fucking every time they want. There's a line and then they walk in, they come on, they go, it's going to be 40 minutes. Is that all right, dude? No, it's not all right. This is my fucking day two. And it's

the sun. What the fuck? It's actually going to get pissed. Dude, what the fuck do we take them to on a weekend where we walk out and be like, if they said it's going to be 40 minutes, they would lose their shit. They would they would they would lose their fucking shit. They would pow. They would pop. All right. Do I have time to read what how far into this are we fuck? All right, hour and 20. We got to wrap this up. I'll read the rest of these some other time. Kevin, this was effortless. Oh, thank you. You're fucking. This is obviously funny and everybody should go out to the improv and West Palm West Palm Beach. More importantly, listen to the podcast and listen to the podcast. All I'm saying all I'm saying podcast with Kevin Shay, one of the funniest

dudes for the longest fucking time. All right, everybody, go fuck yourselves. And I'll check on Thursday. In good cop saying for we insnari tsander snagd of hout van klassikers. Oh, yeah, so was a spaghetti bolognese with liquor veal ghaakt download the my the leise app and cook me. Yeah, the leise.