Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 2-13-12

Episode Date: February 13, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Valentine's Day, The Grammy's and Chicken Vents.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on bmw.be for Monday, February 13th, 2012. Holy shit, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. Yes it is, folks. It's Valentine's Day. That completely made up, horseshit holiday that you don't have to participate in.

That goes down tomorrow. Did you make reservations, everybody? Huh? You gonna go out to the little fancy steakhouse, celebrate your relationship while you pay for 100% of it? Is that what you're gonna do? It's the big bullshit holiday.

It starts tomorrow. You know what I did? Last night, I took my lady. I took her out to dinner. We decided that we're gonna celebrate it last night. And I gotta tell you, it was fucking awesome. I can't remember a Valentine's Day that I enjoyed more than this one.

It was great. We went into this fucking awesome sushi restaurant which is normally packed anyways, just for the fuck of it. Forget about on Valentine's Day, but because it was two days before Valentine's, everybody wants to come in on Tuesday. We go in there last night.

There's nobody fucking there. There's nobody there. All right? That's how you celebrate holidays, other than Christmas. Okay? Because Christmas... The difference between Christmas and Thanksgiving is you actually get those days off.

So who gives a fuck, right? The thing about all these other bullshit ones is you don't have... It's a suggestion. We think it should be the 14th. Really? I think it should be the 12th when food costs what the fuck it should cost

and I can actually get a goddamn table. All right? And I can focus on the girl I love rather than looking around the room and being distracted at all these other women and how they're dressed up. You know? Oh, look at the way she has her tits hanging out.

You know? Ooh, look at all this stuff they got. Oh, did he get a fucking goddamn... bouquet of fucking flowers like they drape around a horse and now he's putting it around his fucking woman? Does he understand that he just made her look like a fucking horse?

I don't want to deal with all of it. I don't want to deal with it! Um... I don't. So, when's the next big holiday that's coming up, people? It's fucking St. Paddy's Day. All right?

One of the most racist fucking holidays there ever was. But you don't hear Jesse Jackson bitching about that one? But he walking around with green plastic fucking hats, getting drunk, puking up their fucking corned beef sandwiches and celebration of Irish heritage? Is there any other fucking holiday like that? Where are the Native Americans?

They're all pissed off at fucking Braves fans and Redskins fans. Sit their focus and all on that as they sit on the streets in New York playing that sad the white man took our music, took our land music, I'm sorry. You ever hear those people when they get out there with those fucking...

Centaur flutes that they play? It is the saddest, most depressing, you know, everything was great until you came here, evil white man, music, I've ever heard in my life. You know? I didn't want to fuck them,

but where the fuck is there outrage about St. Patrick's Day? The green alligators and everybody just sitting there. I'm trying to think if there is another holiday out there. You know, okay, Black History Month. For the whole fucking month the white people go around and fucking have their pants hanging off their ass and do a bunch of stereotypical African-American shit that would be really fucking offensive?

No! We don't. Why the fuck on St. Patrick's Day? Oh, St. Patrick's Day lets everybody dress in the colors of the Irish flag and act like a bunch of drunk fucking idiots. Oh, I'm on my soapbox this morning. Alright, what are we going to talk about this week?

Did you guys watch the Grammys last night? You know? I watched a little bit of that shit. Bruce Springsteen came out once again and sang that song that sounded like all his other songs, like every other song. And I'm driving down that fucking highway and even though I'm a loser,

I'm still going to make it because I got my girl in five bucks for gas, eating slices and throwing rocks at dirty fucking seagulls. You know, I got it. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable that he made people care that much about New Jersey is right there. It just shows you the level of the caliber of artists

that he is that he could really make people care that much. Who else? I said Bruno Mars. I think that guy's the shit. Oh my God, you like him? What are you a fag? Fuck you. I can give it up for somebody, you know?

Going out there in his Elvis, Gold LeMaze, 50,000 Elvis fans can't be wrong. It was great. I thought he put on a hell of a fucking show. I actually watched it and I was like, you know what, if he did that for an hour, I would pay to go see him. I thought he had a great show

and everybody was all sad about Whitney Houston, right? Whitney Houston passed away. It's fucking brutal, man. Everybody dying, you know? And I was really sad that she died until that fucking girl came out from the fucking, I'm not fat anymore commercials. And she sang that song that made me want to kill myself.

I like Whitney Houston. God rest her soul. But I didn't ever need to hear that fucking How many fucking, I got it. You can sing. How about letting me fucking, you know, showbiz, rule number one, leave him wanting more. Don't keep singing to where they're like, alright.

Although she wasn't the worst at that. Like some of those fucking divas where they just go out there, those whale and whores where they just fucking hit every goddamn note. At least they stopped doing that stupid point thing where they were pointing where I'm going down and I'm going up. Yeah, we can hear you.

We know what you're doing. Do you do that when you ride a roller coaster? Fucking pointing at everything. You're fucking moron. Christina Aguilera is one of the worst just like, you know, she never sang a song. She sang a song like she was auditioning for a band. Just sing the fucking song.

Alright, and get the goddamn mud off your ass, cheeks. That's not sexy. You want to get dirty? No, I want you to take a fucking shower. Why don't you go up there and wash off that clam and sing the goddamn song the way it's supposed to go. Alright, and Chris Brown made me feel old. I was just sitting there like, you know, that isn't music.

You call that dancing? Is that really dancing? Is that what he was doing? You know, he looked like someone who like, who got healed, you know, was like a paraplegic and somebody just touched his forehead and now he was trying out his legs for the first time in like 20 years.

You know, that awful fucking auto-tune shit where you're just so obviously, you know, lip-syncing. And I was rooting for that guy. I was excited he won a Grammy, you know. When was the last time somebody slapped a shit out of a woman? Everybody knew about it and within three, four years you won the little shiny thing. That doesn't happen often.

I'm trying to think. Who's the last guy? I don't know. Yeah, that was kind of a first. But I don't know. I didn't like his, I didn't like that music and I didn't appreciate that dancing and I was annoying the shit out of Nia

as I was watching it. You know, just being the crabby old man. That's terrible. Pull up your pants. Did I watch any further after that? I think that was it. I think I could only watch so much of an award show. I thought the Civil War, the Civil Wars or whatever

when they came out, I thought that they were going to bomb and they fucking killed it. You know, so I'd like to download some of that music. I listened to some of it like, you know, a little one-minute clip but it sounded like all that real folky kind of shit that I don't like but the song that they sang was badass and I thought the guy on the guitar was killing it. I don't know.

What'd you guys think about the Beach Boy melody? I thought that melody, whatever the fuck you call it, medley. I thought they did a great job. Somebody was trashing that guy in Maroon 5 saying that what he did was, what the fuck did they say? They said it was awkward at best and what did they say, cringe-worthy at worst.

There was nothing cringe-worthy about it. They were doing a tribute to the fucking Beach Boys. What about when that guy came out, the one guy in the Beach Boys who has the on-balled-now baseball hat on and he just kept pointing to people in the crowd? I found him to be a little weird and I don't know. I think Brian Wilson, I've always said this before on the podcast,

I think he went crazy just listening to his own music. That shit would just, you know, it's like these amazing harmonies yet you feel yourself going insane when you listen to them. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Alright! I'm picking up goodbye, bridgehead Ooo! Bop, bop!

Shut the fuck, I mean it's, you know what you feel like, you feel like you're on this never-ending bus ride to camp when you're 14 and you don't want to go yet you're in your 40s listening to it I've never understood, like, I never got the Beach Boys I don't get it Alright? They got a couple of songs that, it's just like, if you listen to it

it's this really happy, poppy shit and then it's this really dark fucking lyrics underneath it and you combine the two of them and I'm telling you you're gonna go out of your fucking mind You know? You know something? Watching the Beach Boys really just makes me realize that I have to have some sort of I need to retire date

You know? I know that's a fucking mean thing to say but there's just something, now maybe that's me being shallow as a person, like the same reason why I never go to high school reunions You know? I should have gone when I was younger That's when I should have gone But I'm too old now, I didn't go when I was younger because I was a fucking loser

You know? People were married, they had kids, what do you do? I tell jokes and I sleep on a futon How many points is that worth? You're a comedian? Where do you do it? Strip malls? Strip malls across the country, yeah That's 33, 33, I'm actually older than you Yes, I stayed back in the first grade Right out of the chute, just didn't get it

Now I'm too old, I'm afraid to go to a high school reunion because I don't want to go there and meet people who are divorced and they have problems with the gallbladder I remember all my classmates the way I remembered them Young with their whole life ahead of them I don't want to go there and talk to somebody who used to make me laugh my ass off

and now they're fucking sad because they have child support payments I don't want to see that I want everybody to succeed I want to remember them the way So actually when I do shows, people come out to my shows that I went to high school with and I get to meet them like that, it's been fucking great I ran into a really good friend of mine when I was in Houston

I haven't seen this dude since fucking 8th grade This kid was so fucking funny, the 8th grade went by in like a week and a half it felt like I ran into him, it was great, he was doing great he married the right person, he was happy as fuck in hell and we just sat there telling stories laughing, fucking 30 years has gone by since 8th grade and blah blah blah, like that's the type of shit

so anyways, getting back to that other shit like you know the day I'm on stage wearing my I'm going bald fucking baseball hat and I'm pointing to people after my jokes and they're doing a tribute to my jokes laughing somebody please shoot a fucking dart into my neck

and just go, Bill, just you know you gotta do something else at this point why don't you teach a comedy class? why don't you do that? I'm really setting myself up for failure here because I don't think I ever can retire from this shit I like it too much you know

I don't know you gotta be excited though if you're in Van Halen and you saw the Beach Boys you gotta be excited when you get to a certain age you gotta be like good, there's somebody still 20 years older than me you know, like if I was in Van Halen I would show that clip of the Beach Boys

before I came out just to you know, spot yourself for another 10 years of youth um that's what I'm saying although I've heard that new album is fucking I almost said terrific for the first time I heard it's terrific have you heard that new Van Halen?

Jesus, it's terrific so anyways people believe it or not, Pro Flowers is still advertising on my podcast thanks for keeping your fucking mouth shut um it is one day it is one day

before uh what the hell's a goddamn copy it is one day before Valentine's Day everybody Valentine's Day is tomorrow so if you've not scheduled flowers to be delivered then Pro Flowers is gonna save your ass

and they really are at this point well are you like me did you not get a card until it looked like you know you know like when you wait too long to get a card and you show up at CVS and it looks like there was a ticker tape parade there like seven weeks ago

and nobody ever swept up you know and you're like oh god what is left hey there sugar tits I kind of love you you know like I like those cards are left hey you know um but uh you are a hell of a bang

happy Valentine's Day I also like the two cards that are left you know or they just have one that's just so fucking over the top you know it just you're the light in my eye every time I inhale I smell you your aura oh god really

you know then they have like some fucking picture of two people about ready to kiss like just silhouettes and it just makes your uh gives you that queasy feeling in your stomach you know you know that feeling you have when you were a little kid like the first time you

thought about fucking one of your teachers and then you walked into school and you saw him you were like what the fuck was I thinking you know it was too new you know they fucking make sense anyways let's get on with the pro flowers read here uh Valentine's days tomorrow everybody and if you still haven't

scheduled your flower flowers to be delivered then pro flowers is gonna save you they got your back you can still order and have flowers delivered tomorrow February 14th alright she'll think you ordered these far in advance it will be our little secret look at I like how

pro flowers is acting like your little dirtbag friend don't worry dude I ain't saying anything they're doing you a solid here alright you order pro flowers now you got to do it now people alright who's kidding who alright it's the 13th okay

you're out of time so this is the deal you go to proflowers.com you click on the mic in the top right hand corner and enter the code B U R R all capitals for for this amazing last minute deal you basically you're gonna get one dozen

long stem roses plus a free glass vase you get chocolates and a teddy bear don't eat the chocolates you get them from pro flowers just for just $39.99 or you can upgrade if you really like this lady you get

two dozen long stem roses with an elegant cherry red vase you hear what just happened the other one was just a free glass vase they probably got an empty beer bottle or something they stick them in so I would go with the I would upgrade for the extra 10 bucks

$9.99 you get chocolates a spa kit and teddy bear right a spa kit ladies love to be pampered I need a spa day you know what my spa day would be lady for you to walk out of the house for a good

four hours don't be mean I'm not being mean I'm being honest it hurts sometime alright so there you go people oh come on pro flowers as cool as hell as they rolled with what I did last week and you guys actually or ordered a bunch of flowers off of that could you such psychos alright so do

me a solid do them a solid do your relationship a solid go to go to proflowers.com alright click on the microphone top right hand corner type in b-u-r-r and get the little flower uh bonanza thing that you need you know that's a really good thing to do actually

to just get that out of the way you know to just take her anger down a little bit here you go his flowers teddy bear and a chocolate alright can she really be yelling at you holding those three little props that's when you know you screw up you know

when your girlfriend's holding a teddy bear that you just bought and she's still calling you a piece of shit and telling you to get a goddamn job that's when you know your life is fucked up okay so use this pro flower shit as a barometer if you can get her those three things

what is it about women and stuff and getting shit is it because they got to give it up in the bedroom that then then you know to balance it out they have to get some sort of like tangible objects you know from day one have I ever said this before

even when you have a one night stand they try to get a t-shirt out of it they just they fucking love stuff you know I hate stuff what's the deal with stuff I don't like it like

we need a a dresser in the bedroom and I've been putting it up I just don't want to have another fucking thing that I'm gonna have to move someday okay everything's fine we have closets it's not like there's clothes

pouring out of it and if there are get rid of some clothes you hoarder you hoarder you know Nia's sitting there going like a fine I actually give in we'll get a you know we'll get a dresser drawn she's like well just one

can't we get one for you and one for me no no we can't what the fuck am I gonna do that because then you're gonna fill it up or feel like you need to fill it up I'm such a douche

I should you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna get one is it chest of drawers dresser drawer fucking whatever ottoman whatever the fuck you call the damn thing I'm gonna get one of those and I'm just gonna give it to her alright there you go put all your little foofy things in there

your little dollhouse stuff I know you're into that shit there you go I'll keep all my shit in my closet I don't want to feel like I'm taking the whole just fucking take the thing gosh you're being so mean

I don't understand why you gotta be so mean I don't understand why we gotta go to Ikea every three fucking days can you explain that fine fine I'm just trying to make the house look nice you know I had this fucking hilarious conversation with Paul Verzi

the other day and you know I gotta tell this fuck you wouldn't believe this shit right I just got done with my my red neck tour through the south started off in Charlotte, North Carolina fucking place was

packed on a Tuesday night I'm definitely coming back then I went over to Hoover Alabama right by Talladega you get on that 20 you go west from Atlanta you go by Talladega and

I had a great time there I actually took some video of Talladega I finally gave in and I got the iPhone can anybody tell me how you fucking zoom in on that thing because I was trying to take footage of Talladega and all my footage is from Talladega

how the fuck do you zoom in on this thing that's all it is I'm going to try to get that shit to my web guy and have that put up this week and then I did Atlanta then I did Atlanta and I actually hung out in this bar

with a couple of friends of mine had a great time had a couple of beers and it was a dive bar it was right around the corner from the Buckhead Theater I forget the name of the place it's a little pool hall went in there had a couple of drinks

and the guy who owned the place had the sickest fucking tattoo I don't think I think I've ever seen he had on his upper arm alright well you got the classic mom tattoo you know he had a fucking portrait of Bill Murray

on his arm and I know what you're thinking you're thinking that is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life I'm telling you dude it was a fucking work of art it was incredible how much

this thing look like Bill Murray it was the antithesis of that UFC fighter who has that awful Johnny Cash that looks like Johnny Cash on some sort of medication for some thyroid disease with the heads all bloated and stretched out

this was the exact opposite and I guess he's gonna get Hunter S. Thompson on his arm and I'm telling you if it's all gonna be of the quality of this I took a picture of it it's fucking unbelievable so here's the deal here's the fight I end up getting into with Nia

right with fucking you know I just did the red neck tour I was in Charlotte I was in Hoover and then I was in Atlanta alright started medium got in real deep and then I came out a little mainstream in fucking Atlanta right

and uh I get off the plane and one of the first things out of her mouth by the way I miss my flight first flight I've missed since the late 90's I overslept and um

I couldn't get on another flight to like my flight was 8.15 in the morning I couldn't get on until the 9.45 at night and I actually got to the airport like 2 at 2 o'clock because like what am I gonna do just keep driving around Atlanta we drop off the rent a car so we don't have to pay for another day and then I spent 7 hours

in the fucking airport I had 2 meals at an airport like I started off I showed up they had this soul food thing right and uh I'm not a big soul food fan I like the mac and cheese collard greens are the saltiest

most disgusting things I've ever tasted in my life and I gotta tell you something African Americans for all the shit talk you talk about barbecue and you tell me a good place to get some because the shit that granted I'm at an airport but I'm not seeing it

it tastes like everybody else's barbecue it tastes like you finished it 20 minutes ago it's a poor cut of meat you know that's what barbecue is it's a poor cut of meat you have to slather all this other flavor on to to disguise the fact

that I'm eating a cow ankle I don't give a fuck but I do like mac and cheese so I gotta play to mac and cheese that's the first thing I had what the fuck else did I have more point I had a hot dog I had a cookie that wasn't even good

it was the size of my fucking head and it wasn't even good is there anything worse than that when you fucking get a cookie just to say that you sound like a fucking douche can I get a cookie right and you bite into it and it's one of those cookies that isn't good you know you kind of poked at it through the package

you're like oh it's still soft oh good they put that chemical in there that prevented it from getting hard when it hits you know the oxygen like there's not oxygen in the stove you know what I mean and then you go to bite into it and it tastes like shit

but do you ever throw it out nah you can't you got that little bit of sugar in you you're already hitting the smack and you fucking eat you're just sitting there eating an hour of sit ups for no fucking reason you're not even gonna join it so I did that for like seven hours then I finally get on the fucking plane

and um oh you wouldn't believe this shit I get on the goddamn planes one of the funny things I get on the plane and I'm looking at all the people sitting in first class and some woman got on and she had a toddler with her sitting in first class and the kid was already acting up

and I saw one of those selfish I'm never getting married not having kids ever people I caught him right in the moment that he was discovering that despite the fact he was in first class he was still gonna have a miserable experience

and if you saw the look of you gotta be shitting me that look on his face I burst it out laughing and he caught me looking right at him and he knew that I knew why he had that disgusted look on his face but anyways I'm telling this story like a fucking woman here

where I keep doing these offshoot stories so wait this is why we had the big fight alright I just came from Charlotte Hoover Alabama and Atlanta Georgia North Carolina Alabama Georgia get off the plane

after being delayed for 12 hours one of the first things that comes out of her mouth she's like you know my mom was saying go to New Orleans or Memphis you know and I was like I don't want to do that and then immediately

I just saw her energy change there's just something about the side of her face when she's fucking mad at me and I was sitting there going like you know is there something wrong or whatever and she's like no no I mean you just keep going

blah blah blah blah blah and they go start doing that fucking shit and then I'm in my head like you know what fuck you I kept telling her she was mad and she wouldn't fucking own up to it then we get home alright

I bought the wrong light bulbs for the kitchen a few weeks ago we have these awful fucking fluorescent light bulbs you walk in the kitchen you feel like you're standing in a fish tank that's been emptied alright did she go out and buy the light bulbs fuck no

that's too difficult I didn't get around to it you know I can tell she's pissed so she finally owns up to the fact that she's like you know you didn't have to bite my head off when I brought up going to Memphis or fucking New Orleans

and I was like I didn't bite your head off I didn't I just said I didn't want to go she goes I didn't ask you to go I just said my mom said we should go what's that saying you want to go you know how about a little empathy I just came from Charlotte, Alabama

and fucking Atlanta, Georgia do I want to go to Memphis? No do you fucking come up to somebody after they just had a Thanksgiving dinner and they're all stuffed and go hey would you like a turkey sandwich no we got into this huge fucking battle and then I got in she fucking left

to go do God knows what to go hang out with the friends right after giving me a speech about how we haven't seen enough of each other she again the ghost takes off to go hang out with the fucking friends right classic female shit so I call up Verzi and we just start venting

and I'm telling you dude like there's that that thing yet another thing you have to avoid in a fucking relationship is like do you ever just feel like you're like you stop being the boyfriend of the husband and you're just sort of the you're like this

Aaron boy like every fucking time you go to walk out the door they just add shit for you to go do hey where you going I'm gonna go do this fun shit oh can you go by the post office

can you pick up the dry cleaning um can you go restore this lamp you know the dumbest thing you can fucking do is call a woman as you're driving home don't ever do that to yourself and when they call don't pick up

then you walk in I called you like six times how come you didn't pick up I was gonna ask you to sweep the sidewalk and repaint the fucking gate before you came in no we had we had this big fucking battle I was like you talk to me like I work

for you I don't fucking work for you okay I'm not gonna go pick up light bulbs you can't fucking unscrew and screw in a light bulb I just I forgot to do it you didn't forget to do it it's a pain in the ass you didn't do it and now you're having me do it

why do I have to do all the pain in the ass shit this is a great fucking conversation for the day before Valentine's day by the way I'm back on I'm on board for that stake in a blowjob day but it has to be done right okay which gets me to the

overrated underrated of this week somebody said overrated stake in a blowjob day men's valentine's day because most chicks don't know how to cook a steak and half of them don't swallow Jesus alright

I can help you with the first half of that equation if you have any sort of cooking talent whatsoever ladies just go on youtube and you can find these youtube videos that'll show you how to cook a steak historically I thought I knew how to cook a steak I didn't there's all kinds of shit I didn't know

alright you just fucking you get the grill nice and hot you sear it right on one side move it just a little bit so you get the diamonds you put it over the other side same fucking thing and then you take it off

and you let it rest you don't cut right into the mother fucker you let it rest and let all the juices go back all the way through the meat just fucking one of the easiest thing you get to do is cook a steak it's not that hard ok so for steak in a blowjob day which I don't even know what the date is

I need the date people tell me what it is because I'm gonna be hyping that on this podcast is you gotta make sure it goes down right ok she's gotta cook that steak right ok with a couple little fixings on the side your favorite god damn beer or whatever

and then afterwards she gives you a nice fucking blowjob and then you know what that's it it's fucking over ok it's not like you start to blow me and then we have sex and then you get to have an orgasm too alright this is

fucking my day alright it's your man's day for once don't let him get anything ok for once you get the t-shirt for once they pick up the light bulbs for once you sit there and you get fucking pampered

you don't have to do shit what the fuck is she gonna do for valentine's day huh get herself all dolled up and just sit there accepting the food and the gifts to celebrate your relationship if it's truly your valentine's day you should be treated the same you just fucking lie there like they do

in the rack I'm really being an asshole right now what's that would you like to hear another commercial why here you go here's some more guy stuff that you guys that you can appreciate do you play video games sure of course you do

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what video games look like now I used to just come home you know I learned all the cheats on Grand Theft Auto and I would get all the weapons and I would just go onto the top of a roof and I would just start killing people I loved it

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you got to admit it as much as this advertising on this podcast I'm hooking you up with video games I'm hooking you up with flowers you know you think I haven't turned down some some advertisers we had some people coming on here wanted to advertise fantasy football

and I told them to go fuck themselves because I hate that shit and I've been making fun of it for the last 4 years he's on my fantasy team if I could have all my dreams come true Dante Colpepper would let me sit on his lap

he's on my fantasy team um alright let's get on with the podcast this is the Monday morning podcast everybody and I do one of these every god damn week if you're new I know we got some new listeners out there and I do it every Monday why to whore out what I'm doing

in my little career here and also to give you a little bit of a laugh I know what you're saying well Bill by the time I listen to this it wasn't Monday morning anymore really well it's before 9am my time alright Jesus Christ when your favorite artist

writes some fucking album called September wins and it comes out in January and you're like this isn't September it's fucking January it's not about you it's about me alright hey I got an email from Argentina do you guys have the internet down there

I didn't know that that's fucking awesome I'm breaking your balls isn't that where ACDC shot their latest concert video and the fans were so insane that it made me feel embarrassed for the level of participation that I had at the LA Forum

I'm gonna go out I think ACDC is bored when they tour the states if they get that kind of love in Argentina why the hell would they want to go to it's gotta be like going to the airport for them from Argentina hey Bill love your podcast I am growing

listening to your comedy mother fucker I hope one day a young fells the same for me JJ what this is definitely a sacred language you know I notice Latino people when they write haha it's J E J E

which I guess that makes oh I guess that's he he cause Jorge and Jesus start with a J that's he he you know I just figured that out I finally had to talk it out did I figure it out for my Latino I am beginning

in stand up comedy here in Buenos Aires Argentina I feel I am a funny person and I am trying to find myself on stage me problem is that I give a fuck about what people might say yeah well that's everybody's problem when we start out

this is natural progression here I am trying to don't give a fuck because I know it's not it's not worth it people suck but for one fucking reason I don't know I sometimes get nervous in front of their judgmental faces by Bill

alright let's give it up for this guy for being able to convey his thoughts in a second language cause I could never do that I would be like hello the girl drinks milk yellow adios that's all I could say

Hola El Niña de Veleche Amarillo adios fuck I wish I could stick with that shit um anyways alright what are we saying here um the fuck am I talking about

what did he ask me I just totally lost it I just maybe think about how I should start ah fuck it I'm never gonna be able to do it um I gotta start cheating on Nia with some fucking Mexican girl who only speaks Mexican and I know I just said Mexican

speaks Mexican I know it doesn't make sense but I don't know what to say what you guys speak because if you say you speak Spanish we don't speak Spanish people from Spain speak Spanish well what the fuck do you speak um anyways let's plow ahead here um yes the thing you're going through sir

is what every stand up comedian goes through and it's great that you're this new to stand up and you're actually asking these questions um not giving a fuck on stage is it's baby steps

alright every time you go on stage you have a goal when you're starting out I'm gonna do this I'm gonna try this new bit um you know walking around with the mic instead of having the mic in the mic stand makes me uncomfortable

having the mic in the mic stand I don't know what to do with my hands at that point I'm gonna face that fear and you just you know just make little rules like that little goals and then it becomes second nature we don't even have to make

rules or goals and you you will gradually progress and always be trying new material and always just keep pushing yourself and you all that shit will fall into place you should give a fuck you're new to stand up you don't quite know what you're doing yet you got a ton to learn

and you realize that which is good that's a very humble way to be there's nothing worse than the fucking supremely confident open mic you know they blow everybody else away on stage but they peak early because they just feel like they're the fucking shit

and that's not true is it gives a fuck look you like me all right you're a little timid you just keep just keep working on it you'll you'll come out of it and one day you'll be like me standing on stage telling everybody go fuck themselves even if they don't deserve it follow up from October

where do eggs come from where the eggs come out of oh yeah I asked that I asked does it come out of their ass do they have a little chicken pussy a little chicken vagina Billy boy just listen to the podcast from October and

you sort of asked where eggs come out of a chicken he says I don't fuck chickens but well okay yeah I do know where they come out of I know for a fact that the egg comes out of the hole that poop also comes out of

it's called the vent bam educated you're welcome that's disgusting well no wonder that egg has a shell on it huh that's okay I can still eat eggs and not worry that I'm eating egg shit right because it's in that little that little morc capsule

it's called the vent why doesn't a fucking a a chicken have a pussy is that because it's so small is that what it is is it like like a chicken is that what it is is it like

you know when you get a car and there's you know you get the compact so there's not enough room for the radio so they turn it sideways like in the Chevy citation is that what it is so they had to combine the asshole and the the birth canal all at the same time

so every chicken takes it in the ass is that what you're telling me where does the rooster jizz know where to go I didn't get pregnant again it went up the shitter rather than up the vent does a rooster

have to bang a chicken at a certain angle to make sure it goes up the vent that doesn't make any fucking sense is there a farmer out there that could show me a send me a a diagram it's gotta it's gotta split at some

point doesn't it they can't be some egg growing in your ass and you're also trying to take a chicken dump you'd be constantly constipated when chickens lay eggs there's not like there's a bunch of shit all over it this is the great thing about life

is you answer a question and it just introduces all these others now I realize it's like that little thing with each book I read I realize there's so much less that I know so see that so now I have

I have a hundred more questions and you know what you decided to reopen this Pandora's box now I need some follow up I got any farmers out there anybody else can tell me it's gotta split off like one of those tea splits like when you know you and a friend listen to the same

iPod eggs in one shit in the other that's like a game show hahaha it's time to play put your hand no put your face under the chicken vent what do you think it's gonna be roll the dice is it gonna be an egg or is it gonna be some

chicken shit that's disgusting Bill well go fuck yourself I had to work with what I had there alright advice hey Bill huge fan I figured if there's anyone I should ask for advice this definitely should be possibly the possibly insane guy that rants into his

basically podcast I'm not insane I'm a little nuts I pay all my bills I got a Prius you know go fuck yourself so here's a story when I was in high school I met a girl online do you guys think I'm only

qualified to answer shit about relationships why don't you say hey Bill I'm thinking about buying this or buying that what do you think I should do for the love of God I can't answer any more of these pussy questions I think I've given I'm out of advice but I'm a trooper I'm gonna continue here when I was in high school and I met a girl on

I met a girl online yes this sounds weird but I was a senior her a junior and the fact that we came across each other was absolutely random were you watching chicken vent videos I didn't know you like those two

anyways we exchanged a few messages then text messages then phone calls that's right dude you're drawing her into your world that's how you do it and two weeks later I was in my car driving the 1000 miles to see her wait a minute

wait a minute wait a minute we exchanged a few messages then text messages then phone call alright were you at least sexting were you at least doing that ensuring the fact that you can never run for president again without having

those embarrassing texts show up from that mother computer somewhere in Texas you're driving a car 1000 miles alright let's do the math here let's say you can go 70 miles an hour that's 10, 11, 12, 13, 13 to 14 hours and that's if you actually

stop if you stop and get something 15 hour fucking drive I've done a 16 hour drive one time I drove from LA to just beyond Denver one day with a TV in the passenger seat it's a long story

I had girlfriends before we're back to the letter here I had girlfriends before but something about her was different I spent the weekend in her city spent as much time with her as possible and two days later I had to say goodbye and drive back home

dude how much did that cost and gas just get a southwest flight I told her I promised to come back and I did I drove back two weeks later this should be like a car commercial then another few weeks later and again and again over the next two years or so

I drove to see her probably 20 to 30 times this girl was incredible and all I wanted was to be around her well why didn't you just move there after two years in 9,000 oil chains later later

after two years together I was sick of having to say goodbye so I packed up and moved to her city let me guess and then it all falls apart because this was all based on the romanticism of that you couldn't be next to each other and now you're going to be next to each other and this she snores or this is going to be something common

about her and you're going to get sick of her that's my prediction anyways I enrolled in school got a job and was able to see her every day I think it's safe to say that not many people are anxious at the age of 19 or at least go through it but I did

I was certain I was going to marry this girl after two years together I still wanted nobody but her alright so so far dude you've done nothing wrong even if she fucks you over and she still did nothing wrong dude you won't have to love this nothing wrong with that that's what you should be doing

after living there for about 10 months finances started catching up I was unable to find a roommate paying $8 an hour on top of that I had school full time as well I had no choice but to move back home and save money this was devastating I had been back home for about

five months I haven't seen her since I moved I'm getting ready to move back in a few weeks but here's where things get complicated she lives on campus at her college a month ago she confessed that she had sex we had been together but frustrated

because of the distance and on a break we considered ourselves to still in a relationship talked every day but we're just taking things slow she confessed to having sex with three different guys over the last month she hid it from me

yeah I know oh jeez it gets more complicated ah dude my fucking heart's getting ripped out here I thought for once this was going to work out I thought for once the thing was going to be I got to ask you when I get the tuxedo for my wedding do I go tails no tails

I'm about five foot eleven that's the middle ground I don't look like a penguin but I think I'm tall enough um it gets more complicated there was always one issue with our relationship she was a virgin when we met I was not this bothered

her and was a frequent issue for the entire relationship and I can understand why she tells me now that even after what's happened she doesn't know if she can she can be with me because she can't get over the fact that I had sex before meeting her I see this as

hypocritical considering she basically cheated on me with three guys I told her that I'm willing to forgive and I would actually like to seek a counselor together anything that can help because this is how important she is to me I would like your advice on what I what you think I should do I know this story is complicated but I still

feel that I should be with her and forgive her I know I sound like a dumb ass kid who doesn't know you're not a dumb ass kid you're 19 you're supposed to be dumb ass um alright this girl is fucking this girl is playing you

like a goddamn strativarius here okay and she's not really you're both young okay she doesn't want to be that girl who married the first guy she met she needs to play the field

that's where she is in her life right now she's not going to be happy with you because she needs to go out and date a couple of assholes to realize you know it's like if nothing bad ever happens to you

in your life you don't know what a good day is you know you can't appreciate it it's like those fucking punk ass kids who have rich parents and they have courtside seats do you ever see them they're sitting there fucking they're on their little cell phones in a way they're bored

you know if I was 8 years old and I got to sit courtside at a Celtics game my eyes would have fell out of my head and rolled across the fucking floor I wouldn't be able to conceive of it because we were always sitting up on the rafters right

so this is the same thing with her she doesn't realize what a great guy she is so let her go dude go ahead go bang those other fucking guys dude you're only 19 you ever see the fucking Bronx tail you got three great women in your life that was your first one you got

another two in the fucking shoot and maybe they won't live a thousand miles away okay they need to go jump on 12 other dicks to understand what a great guy you are alright I just read thanks bill go easy on me alright I am going easy on you I'm giving you some

fucking tough love here love here okay this ain't the time dude you're gonna move all your shit out there and they still they're gonna be that itch that she hasn't scratched yet she needs to fucking it's not even she's gonna go out bang a bunch of other guys she just

she has to figure herself out first who she is what the fuck she wants what she wants to major in you're too young you're too young alright come on dude alright you're a romantic you got a big heart you drove fucking 50,000 miles and the girl ended up breaking your heart

I mean it's it's inevitable you're too young alright so what I always do why don't you focus on yourself alright and like I said this is gonna suck and you know what just you know what just tell her

look I think that you need some time to live your life and when you're ready to come back to me you call me put the ball in her court alright let that bitch come to you alright you've been coming to her to the tune of fucking 30,000 40,000 fucking miles I think

you've come her way enough alright I don't see her fucking moving down the way you're at you keep going to where she's at dude you're setting yourself up to be a fucking slave look it I set my relationship up good and I still ended up being fucking Aaron boy this past week and I had to put my foot

down okay you know much of a piece of shit and he would be treating me if I drove a thousand fucking miles and forgive her for banging three other guys don't set yourself up for that you deserve better alright you're a good guy fuck that shit alright

I think it's time that you thought about yourself and your fucking vehicle let her come to you alright this is what you tell her just say listen I understand you got to live your life alright when you're done living your life you want to come see me you know where I live I think it's about time you came and you paid me a visit

alright maybe that's a little too harsh say something like that but not with the asshole tone that I have alright alright here we go number two Bill I'd appreciate some advice on something I've been with my girls since I was 15 and now I'm 22 guys I can't do these fucking relationship things anymore I'm sick of them

this is the last one I'm doing okay at least let's fucking try and switch them up here Bill I'm thinking about getting solar panels what do you think I'm now 22 for the past five years we've been long distance through university

and now our first jobs yeah dude this relationship's over over the five years the odds thing has happened which has made me worry that I can't trust her not full on cheating but a couple times it came out that she was being dishonest she once got drunk

and played strip poker with some of her girl friends she told me there were no guys around I found out later from one of her friends that there actually was that's it dude that's it the main shoot didn't come out pull the fucking ripcord you are going terminal velocity to fucking

splatten dick first and then your heart right into the ground dude you don't need advice okay you just need to be nudged over dump this dump her it's over she's not a bitch if she did this when she was 35 she's a bitch she's not a bitch she's doing what the fuck you do

when you're that age okay that's what you're supposed to be doing okay if we've have we learned anything this week people long distance relationships do not work they don't work okay and sir are you going to be honest and tell me that you haven't fucked around

you didn't get a little drunk and accidentally you know whoops is that ya titty I'm sorry right you haven't done any of that a little over a year ago she was on a way she was away on business and claims one of her work makes tried to kiss her dude I don't need the rest of it to

read the rest of this and I'm not torturing my fans by reading the same fucking thing okay and he ends with really sorry for the essay I appreciate any wisdom you can impart you already heard it on the first one dude it's over it's over you know what dude there's nothing the only thing that you

that's the only silver lining of when you're getting fucked over like this is when you break up with the person alright just say listen I love you to death but I can't trust you anymore alright

and when you can't trust somebody the relationship's over I can't trust you I don't hate you I wish nothing but the best for you but you know this isn't what I'm looking for in a relationship okay toodaloo and that's how you end it

okay and I guarantee you dude you're guaranteed she won't be able to handle the level of maturity and you'll probably get at least a blowjob and a half she'll get halfway through the second one and be like okay what are we doing I'm confused I gotta get out of here so just take the first one

okay as your severance package that's your gold watch out of this thing no more long distance relationships people alright and why don't you guys give me a break I can't talk about any more of this fucking relationship stuff I would still like to give advice

I am not qualified to give advice I just do this because it's fucking funny and we're doing the same subject over and over again hey Bill I bought a Rubik's Cube in 1983 and I still can't solve it you know give me some some other springboard to fucking jump I want to dive into

a different comedic pool everybody you like that that's from my syllabus of my stand up comedy class hahahaha you think I'm not going to teach one someday you think I'm not going to retire from the road and get myself a tweed sport coat with the elbow patches

and come walking in and be all serious about comedy don't dance like fucking Michael Douglas in that fucking show with those whores with the glittery pants I actually like that musical one

singular sensation I like watching those whores do that fossey thing there's something about it that's the only musical my dick has ever given a fuck about and uh for those of you out there writing musicals

okay you want to write a fucking musical that's going to be a hit where you can get all kinds of extra money is you got to make it there's got to be something in there that a heterosexual guy is going to like alright if you can make me go there

and I don't give a fuck then I'm watching a bunch of people sing and dance and there's no there's no I don't know what the fuck do I need there's no ball nobody trying to stop somebody from scoring a goal none of that shit there's got to be I'm not saying they got to whore it up

but there's got to be there's got to be something there you know there's got to be something that makes my dick go oh what what is this you know if you just do that every 10 minutes ooh you know I haven't been pay attention I have no idea what the plot is but I like

what she's doing you know I could direct one of those I would say the same thing to every dancer in it bend over at the waist I don't care if it's a rake stage you're not going to fall over okay just get your fucking

balance down huh you like that rake stage I've been around it alright overrated underrated for this week rake stage means they tilt it down they cheat it down towards the audience so they can actually so people in the

front row can see it a little bit better and uh you know I used to data dance though alright overrated underrated underrated underrated green tea uh I'm not a doctor and I certainly don't know how much

about uh healing I don't know much about healing of any type of viruses naturally but after drinking three cups of green tea a day over the past five days my head cold and heavy cough have pretty much dissipated dude if you didn't do shit after five days

the common cold is going to go away this is your little voodoo cup uh have at it he said I usually have oh typical me I don't read anything I usually have slow recoveries when I get sick too usually a two to three week process every time I catch a cold this stuff almost got rid

of it uh the last of it in three days really good stuff kind of therapeutic too well if it works for you keep doing it but I would probably try to eat some fruits and vegetables get eight hours sleep you know and listen to me I'm not a doctor uh overrated shampoo

and conditioner I just watch my hair with a Costco brand body wash and not only is it softer than it's been in a while it also smells good um that's tremendous do you know something I actually love Costco I never been there before in my life

I love it I love the Armageddon sized did I talk about this already you know a good friend of mine told me a while ago um Aisha Tyler look at me name dropping little fancy Hollywood person

she does the girl on guy podcast once again right there you see the name of that all of you out there were like I don't need to listen to another podcast what did she do she makes you dick just a little bit interested girl on guy podcast ooh your dick's like what's that

I think I will have a listen if you could just take that formula and put it into a fucking Hollywood uh Hollywood Broadway musical more straight guys would go every once in a while you just threw that in there that maybe you were gonna see a live sex act

such an idiot anyway she told me that that's the place to buy booze that's the place where you buy your booze alright and I'm gonna tell you god damn it she was fucking right I bought a redneck jug of fucking Jack Daniels

for like 30 bucks you know you just you just look at it like if I drank all of that in a bar that would cost me probably about two grand do you like how I'm talking about Costco like it's this brand new store that only exists a mile from my house yeah Bill

what are you gonna tell us that next the wonders of shopping at Walmart ah go fuck yourselves alright that's the podcast for this week I have things to do people I don't have time to sit here in my jam jams for the rest of the day in my fucking Red Sox bathrobe um did I get everything oh stamps.com

stamps.com the last one everybody stamps.com um I've been using um I've been using this um exclusively I've been in the post office in three weeks and I gotta tell you I don't miss them you know they're like that girlfriend that I'm finally over

they're in there in my rear view mirror uh anytime I need stamps I print them out right from my computer anytime I gotta send out a package they set me up with this little scale I weigh the whole thing I'm telling you I'm gonna buy one of those little visors I got my own little post office right here at home in my

pajamas once you get the supplies you're all set so basically this is how it goes um um stamps.com you can buy and print official us postage with your own with your own computer and printer you can print stamps and

shipping labels for any letter or package the instant you need it yeah because they give you the scale they give you the paper to print them out on um and then you just stick it out by your mailbox and they pick it up you don't have to go to the post office ever again alright

you know and I'm not gonna I'm not trying to act like a fancy guy but I'm a busy dude and one of the things I hate is having to go to the bank or go to the damn post office okay I can't wait till they come out with bank.com where I can stick cash in because I'm not putting my bank account number on the internet that's where I draw

the line but you know the stamps I'm all over it alright they got a special offer everybody right now if you go to stamps.com use my last name burr B U R R no risk trial plus a hundred and ten dollar bonus offer includes a digital scale

and fifty five dollars in free postage you can either do that in stamps or if you got somebody's birthday coming up and you want to go mail him a fucking wigwam or something you can just slap it right on there alright I'm telling you uh don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else

click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr B U R R at stamps.com enter B U R R I really appreciate you guys you guys have actually been doing this stuff and like the amazon.com thing has really been blowing up if you're new to my podcast if you go to the billburr.com

click on the podcast page and you click on the amazon link you know and if you know just if you're gonna buy something on amazon.com they give me a kick back and ten percent of that I send to the wounded warriors project and um you know I gotta wait three months to get

the first check but when I do I got a nice check going towards the troops so it's been an all good thing so I really appreciate you guys participating in all this advertising and not breaking my balls about it because uh look the podcast is still free right we get it bill shut your

face hype your gigs for this week this week I am gonna be in New Jersey as I always am right after New York wins a championship I'm always in New Jersey Boston wins a championship for some reason my next gig is in fucking Utah I don't know why it works out that way

but it always seems to so this is the deal this week I am I am bond storming through New Jersey Long Island and uh up into Connecticut I'm at the Bergen um actually I'm at the stress factory for the hurricane make update on the 15th I think those

shows are sold out um check with Vinnie Brandt at the stress factory and uh next I'm at the Bergen um Pac theater in Englewood New Jersey February 16th February 17th I'm at the Fox theater in uh Connecticut we added

a second show that is almost sold out um on the 18th I'm at the theater at Westbury I guess the Westbury theater in Westbury New York um all of those shows if they're not sold out they're about ready to be sold out so please for the love of god go to billbird.com

click on shows click on the link get yourself some tickets um I need you guys to come out to these shows because I'm getting ready to take my next stand up special so it really helps me when you guys uh show up and please just laugh at what you think is funny don't laugh if you don't think it's funny just

that's all I ask at you and we'll be all good um and the following week 23rd, 24th, 25th my triumphant return to the commie works in Denver why is it triumphant I don't know I just felt like saying that um that's it that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves oh I didn't even talk about

the fact that I am a bandwagon New York Knicks fan I still can't root for them to win a championship because they're a New York team but that Jeremy Lin kid I watched that Lakers Knicks game on the airplane and I gotta tell you dude flying back from Atlanta that's the most exciting NBA game I've seen in a long

time and uh when he took that charge at the end of the game I almost stood up and started hearing and uh it just has to do with the fact that that kid was almost out of basketball and also he's playing that basketball that they played when I was a kid

you know all you youngsters out there you don't understand how much Michael Jordan affected the game actually in a bad way he was so good that he actually fucked the game up because before then it really was a team sport

like in the 80s when I was growing up and you were playing basketball you know what we used to always do we used to always somebody always pretended they were DJ and then somebody was Larry Byrd you always try to do that backdoor pass that was good for fucking six points every goddamn like once a game somehow Byrd always got

free in the baseline and DJ did like the no look backdoor fucking pass that's what you wanted to do you wanted to be uh you know Magic Johnson giving the no look pass to your buddy who's pretending to be worthy and he puts the ball up like he's gonna dunk but then he's white so at the last second he's gotta lay it in and everybody

laughed everybody had that playmaker point guard that got everybody involved and that's what you wanted to be and Jordan was so good he defied every fucking rule right down to the rules

of gravity where he was just fuck my teammates this is my supporting cast I can win without a big man I don't need to pass and and he could do it because he was that good but then everybody saw that and then they tried to do that

and who's kidding who you're not fucking Jordan you know and everybody tried to be Jordan for like 10 fucking years and that kid there on the Minnesota Timberwolves if the NBA can come back to that again I will start fucking watching because there's nothing better

than watching a point guard that gets everybody involved and I love Kobe as far as what the fuck that guy does but watching the Knicks go down the court and then watching Kobe they go down in a cluster there's Kobe by himself and then everybody else is all together and if Kobe

gives up the ball the second he does he's clapping and he wants the fucking thing back and I don't give a shit if he's got three guys hanging on him and he's 10 feet behind the fucking arc and he's got two guys wide open now because he's being triple team you got an 80% chance that he's gonna fucking shoot the ball but the son

of a bitch hits it so he can't be mad at it but kids just see that shit and that's how they try to play hoop and I'm telling you watching this kid fucking getting everybody involved you had no idea what he's gonna do he could come in is he gonna split the defenders

he's gonna kick it out to somebody for the open three goes in for the old school reverse layup was fucking insane so I am a I am a bandwagon Knicks fan right now because I watch that kid every night if that's how he's gonna fucking play but I will

root like hell that they don't win a fucking championship the amount of poundings that I took this week doing morning radio in New Jersey for all my jersey gigs oh my god I took trashings I got pounded by some stay I just got pounded

there's nothing I could say I went down swinging but I got pounded and it's fucking hilarious last year they were all Jets fans they all had on their Sanchez jerseys and this year everybody's a giant fan it's unbelievable it's almost like they switch

loyalty ah bill you went so long without being a cunt all right that's it God bless you go fuck yourself I'll talk to you later you